Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Valentine's Day Blues

Episode Date: February 10, 2021

In today’s episode, Dr. Berman helps a husband who says his sex life has totally tanked due to the pandemic—between kids and online school and constant togetherness, he says intimacy has fallen by the wayside and his wife feels more like his roommate than his sexual partner.  But, first: Dr. Berman gets a voicemail from a woman who is scared that her adult daughter is being pressured into sex by her online boyfriend before she is ready. Dr. Berman explains how to gauge when it is the ‘right’ time to have sex, and how people can navigate physical intimacy when we live in a world of masks and social distancing.  And what to do about the Valentine’s Day blues? Dr. Berman helps a woman who says she is dreading Valentine’s Day because her partner always disappoints her on this day of romance. Listen in for all of Dr. Berman’s advice and write [e-mail] with your own questions, or leave a voice message for the sex therapist here. Shy? Don’t worry! You can be anonymous.  *Please note: this episode was recorded before the heartbreaking death of Sammy Chapman, Dr. Berman’s son. For resources to help you talk to your kids about the dangers of prescription pills and synthetic drugs, click here.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for more than two decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. And now I am so excited to introduce my new podcast, The Language of Love, a safe and inspiring space where I'm going to be answering all your calls and email questions from people just like you. My goal with the Language of Love? To give you all the wisdom you need to create more meaningful intimacy and lasting sexual pleasure. It's time we all become fluent in the Language of Love. Hey, welcome to the Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman.

I am so excited to be with you, especially talking about my favorite topic, or one of them anyway. Valentine's Day. I like to say like my Super Bowl time, Valentine's Day. I get so busy the first two weeks in February. It's really intense, but it's really nice as well because I get to talk about love and sex and relationships nonstop, which you know I love to do on this podcast as well. So make sure that you reach out to me if you have something on your mind. We got lots of emails and voicemails to get to about Valentine's Day tonight, but definitely give me a call if you have a question about anything on your mind, no question off limits, just reach out to me at languageoflovepod.com or you can go to drlauraberman.com backslash languageoflove

and the links are right there to take you to leave a voicemail or an email question. You know, be nice if every day was Valentine's Day, right? If we celebrated love every day. But this time of year is really exciting to a lot of people and really stressful to a lot of people. And there's a lot of new relationships evolving to new levels. And sometimes Valentine's Day is the beginning of the end or the final straw in the end of a relationship. So we'll see what questions we have tonight. And we'll keep this conversation going, helping us all learn to love and be loved better. Let's start with a voicemail question. Why not? Right. Let's see. Hi, Dr. Merman. My question for you is how can today's younger generation figure out when is

the right time to be physically intimate when so much of their relationship happens online? For example, my daughter, who's 27 years old, has been dating this new guy for a few months and they've been talking on FaceTime, they've been texting and messaging back and forth on social media, but they've only gotten to be in person together a handful of times and now he's ready to be physically intimate with her and she's feeling pretty hesitant. So how can today's generation know when it's time to take things to the next level when most of their conversations and interactions are happening entirely online? Yeah, I think that's a great question. And, you know, especially these days with social distancing

and COVID risks and everything else going on, you know, it's much harder to be face to face. and it's harder to kind of build up. But at the same time, I almost feel like this is a great opportunity as well to take her time getting to know someone, right? Because it's not just the concern about, obviously it's the biggest concern, doing something sexually that she doesn't want,

feel ready or feels pressured to do. But there's also the safety risks with COVID and everything else, you know? And I don't know if you guys are distancing or what, but that's something that's up for a lot of people. Here, just let's talk in general terms, okay? Putting COVID or anything else aside. I feel really strongly about this.

And you know, I've been working with individuals and couples helping them learn to love and be loved better for decades. So I'm telling you, I know this to be true. If you are a woman and you want a monogamous relationship, do not have sex with that person until you are both clear that that's the direction you're going. So how do you operationalize that? you say to the guy, you know, he's making all these sexual comments and, you know, asking you

what you would do and what you wouldn't do and saying how he wants to get with you. I mean, that's what I see happening, right? Online or remotely and sometimes in person when you're dating in person. And as soon as that happens, or if you're dating in person, as soon as you make out for the first time, you know, whenever that conversation starts, either directly or indirectly. You say to him, listen, I just want to tell you something. I am really into spending time with you. I'm really liking where this is going. I find you really attractive, but I need you to know something about me, and that is I don't have sex with anyone until we are both sure that neither one of us wants to date anyone else

and nor will be dating anyone else. And we're going to try to make a go of a monogamous relationship. And it doesn't mean we have to be ready to walk down the aisle, but we can see that there's potential there and we really want to give it a try. And I'm not saying we need to rush to get to that point,

but I just need you to know where I stand. There, you've said it. You've made clear that it's not that you're not attracted. It's not that you're not into him, but that this is a boundary that you're holding very clearly. And by the way, it will weed out a lot of the guys that are just looking for sex and not interested in a relationship.

And it will weed in, if that's a term, it's not really a term, but it will keep in the guys that are really looking for a relationship. And that in and of itself is a really valuable litmus test. So hopefully that gives you a starting point. Let's go to an email question. We have one here from Sarah.

She says, Dr. Berman, I'm so happy to get to ask you this question. I'm a big believer in the importance of physical chemistry and those sparks that fly when you meet someone you totally vibe with. And when I met my ex-husband, we had such powerful attraction. Unfortunately, that relationship ended. I'm single, happily dating again, except for one thing. When we go on dates now, we have to wear a mask and socially distance. and this messes up my ability to vibe with someone

and discover if I'm attracted to them. I can only see half their face. I have a big date with a guy planned for Valentine's Day. Normally I would go all out, dress up, bold red lip, and it would be so exciting to wonder what the night would hold, but now I'm honestly just feeling depressed. You won't be able to see my face.

We won't be able to kiss or cuddle. So how can I feel whether we have sparks with this person when I'm six feet away and can't even touch them? I almost feel like dating isn't even worth it anymore. Oh, Sarah. Well, I wouldn't say that's true. You know, it is a complicated time and, you know, it sucks that we have to deal with dating this way, that we have to deal with a lot of things this way.

But here's the thing. It would be one thing like if he lived far away and you weren't able to assess the chemistry and there were other guys closer to home that you were interested in that you could assess the chemistry with and that you could move forward with, then we might be having a different conversation. But like, this is just, no matter who you date right now, this is going to be the situation. So what I would say to you is that if you really dig this guy and you're really into him and you've been seeing him for a while, sure, you're not going to be able to fully

assess the chemistry until you can make out, until you can smell him, until you can see his smile and feel, you know, the impact of that and smile back at him. You know, the seduction is going to be more limited. but just because you can't do that doesn't mean you can't continue to build a connection and what I have found and literally was just talking about with the last question if you're looking for a monogamous relationship it actually will serve you to move more slowly for two reasons one you're making sure that he deserves the gift of your sexuality which is a gift you get to share not only the first time, but every time you choose to have sex with someone. But also, when you are

able to make out, kiss, cuddle, have sex eventually, it's going to be so much richer and better and more fulfilling if you have taken this time to build an emotional connection and a personal connection and an honest connection beyond sex during this time. Because I can tell you that having sex too soon you know there's nothing wrong with it but it kind of ironically puts you behind the eight ball with the relationship development for two reasons one anyone who's only interested in sex probably will disappear after that that's not the end of the world but the guys who are really looking for a relationship and you have sex with them on the first night you know sometimes they lose interest not because they think you're some slut but because they think she probably does

this with everyone and I'm not that special. And, you know, it just, especially at this phase in the relationship, they want to feel like there's something really exciting between the two of you. So that's one reason. The other reason is that when you have sex, especially if it's good sex too soon, you know, it's just human nature. You don't see as clearly, it's chemistry also, you don't see as clearly red flags or communication issues. It kind of derails the direction of the relationship a little bit and makes things a little foggier so you can't see as clearly. There's a lot to be said to taking your time, not for any moral reason per se, although it certainly could be, but more for practicality and the potential of a much more fulfilling

sexual connection when you create it. So don't be in too much of a hurry. Paint a red lip on your mask, you know, like flirt, have some fun with it, take your time, use some toys at home, do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself but take your time letting things unfold with this guy i think you'll be happy you did calculating route to avoid seeing poverty turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away then take the next exit let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty your donations help the united way fight poverty in thousands of ways, like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention. Donate today

at unitedwaygt.org. All right, voicemail question. Let's see. Oh, we have some anonymous ones. All right, here's one. Hi, Dr. Berman. My question's kind of centered around Valentine's disappointment, and I don't know if I'm the one that's being wrong about this and if I'm thinking wrongly in the sense that I'm always disappointed on Valentine's Day by my partner. He never actually does any of the romantic things I want him to do even when I kind of hint at it even when I say oh you know if we did this it'd be great or you know even the sweet things of flowers and chocolate I never really get that on Valentine's Day and And honestly, it feels like sometimes I just have to remind him all the time that it's

Valentine's Day. How can I get my partner to kind of step up when it comes to recognizing a day just to celebrate our love and kind of become, I don't know if I'm asking, if I'm being too selfish and I don't. Oh, cut off. Okay. Well, I heard the question. So good question.

And boy, are you not alone with that one? I mean, I can't tell you how often I hear this. I mean, frankly, more from women than men, but sometimes from men too. You know, there are lots of reasons why a guy just may not be showing, especially, I mean, it sounds like you're in a long-term relationship. So talking about that, why a husband or a long-term partner may not be as responding to your requests, right? A lot of guys will say, oh, it's a hallmark holiday.

You know, why should it be just one day? I think that's stupid. but honestly, I think that's a cop-out. I think it's more a kind of cluelessness and self-absorption and not fully understanding the impact he's having. My guess is when he really understands not only what's important to you, but how to deliver it, and I find this primarily true with most men, then he's much more likely to give it. For instance, I can't tell you how many guys have complained to me, my wife or my girlfriend keep telling me I need to be more romantic, I need to be more romantic.

Well, I am romantic. I take her car to be washed and get it cleaned and fill it with gas. I bring her coffee in bed every day. You know, like what's more romantic than that? And then you talk to the wife and I get her to spell out what romance means to her. Well, it has nothing to do. It's wonderful that he fills up her car. But what really makes her feel loved and cherished and desired and romanced is when he spontaneously

twirls her around the room and plays with her. or when he brings her flowers, right? And another woman may feel totally different. And for her, there's nothing sexier than someone getting her car washed and filled up with gas. So everyone is different. And understanding what makes you feel loved, what makes you feel romance,

and coming up with like a list of 10 things your partner could do, in this case on Valentine's Day, but it could be in general, that really make you feel cherished, loved, celebrated, all of those things that if you have a decent halfway decent relationship your partner wants you to feel so the time to bring this up and the way to bring this up is important first of all if you have time after listening to this before valentine's day then you certainly can bring this up to him beforehand and say listen you know or you can bring it up afterwards but you don't want

to do it in a critical way you want to say listen you know i just want to share something with you I love our life together. I love you so much. I know you love me. And we have so many strengths in our relationship. But I got to tell you, you know, I find myself feeling sad on Valentine's Day. And I don't want to feel that. And I know you don't want me to feel that.

And that's not your intention. But, you know, I've noticed that we seem to cross purposes. Like it's not really clear. And I end up disappointed. And I know that you always want to love me in the way that lands. So what I thought I would do is make a list of 10 things that you could do on Valentine's Day that don't cost a lot of money, that don't even require that we go out some of them, but that would mean so much to me and would make me feel so loved and so cherished by

you. I just really wanted you to have this list and to understand what this means to me. and then he has specifics because anytime you ask you know this is true whether you're talking to a male or female in a relationship it has to you can't just complain you have to have a request and the request especially with men needs to be specific and it needs to be lovingly and appreciatively delivered with the assumption that that person is your ally right because he's your partner. Maybe for you, flowers, chocolates, cards are going to be some of the things on your list. For someone else, it might be making a sexy scavenger hunt all over the apartment or

whatever. It doesn't matter, but you give him a list to choose from so he can choose one or two things that he knows are going to land. Because I find a lot of guys, so here's the thing you got to know about guys. Took me a while to figure this out. When they don't do something, they are doing something there is a reason for it and yeah maybe sometimes it's just that they're lazy and they forgot but more often than not when a guy forgets valentine's day i mean you got to live in a bubble like you got to be in a under a rock to not be bombarded by valentine's day from all sides on social media on tv and on outside with your friends whatever they don't forget that it's valentine's day they just block it from their mind because they feel overwhelmed and they don't

know what to do for it and they feel kind of helpless I guess a lot of them or like they don't want to disappoint you and they might so having a really clear picture of what would work I think I mean I do that with my husband not to that extent but like he loves to buy little trinkets and things for me and whenever I see something that I really like that isn't too expensive I just forward it to him with a little heart or a wink and you know not so he'll buy it for me right then But so for the next occasion, he has a collection of things, you know, you know, I'm still surprised because, you know, by the time that occasion comes, he probably has who knows how many little pictures and links to things that I like.

And he also is getting to know my taste and he also knows what I'm interested in. And it's also a way for us to communicate. And, you know, just like I, to that extent that I would do with my girlfriends, but he has now ideas. So when my birthday comes or Valentine's Day comes or Christmas or whatever, he has a selection to choose from it helps okay unless your partner has amazing taste that is just like yours and loves buying presents and knows exactly what to do to romance you which is maybe 0.001 of the population of men out there god bless you you got to give them some direction calculating route to

avoid seeing poverty turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away then take the next exit let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty your donations help the united way fight poverty in thousands of ways like providing food shelter and crisis prevention donate today at unitedwaygt.org let's go to another email question oh this is a good one Dr. Berman I am 45 year old father of two girls we live in a small two-bedroom apartment my wife and I have been working from home since the pandemic started and juggling child care and online school for our kids as well our sex life has totally tanked and I'm already

feeling distant and disconnected from my wife what can I do to add some intimacy and excitement back to our relationship on valentine's day we can't go out due to the virus and not having a sitter but how can you have passion if you can't ever have sex well i mean yeah it's a big part of passion right really any relationship or a love relationship so there are a couple of things here first of all it sounds like you're more interested in sex than she is which is not uncommon because we know that chronic stress negatively affects a woman's libido much more significantly than men's libido. And this is a time of tremendous stress. You're stuck at home with you're worrying about money, probably life, COVID. The kids are probably homeschooling.

You don't have a sitter. You're both exhausted. You're falling into bed at the end of the day. You're stressed. You're tired. Her libido is low. And there's also just the basic truth. and I really want you to listen to me here. If you are a parent and have children at home with you, if you are waiting for sex to happen spontaneously, you are going to be waiting a damn long time because it doesn't happen. And people think because of all those stupid romance movies and because of what happens in the beginning of the relationship when things are brand new, you know, we imagine that we're like giving something up if sex, you know, that it's just sex is supposed to be spontaneous like it is in the movies or like it was when we

first got together. But that doesn't happen once you have kids and you're exhausted and you're stressed. So what do you do? Well, the first thing you do is make a commitment to creating a stronger sexual connection with a sex date. Embrace the sex date for a couple of reasons. First, you know, it doesn't have to be at the same time and day every time you have, you know, every Sunday at 2 p.m., you know. It could be, but it could change week to week. You plug the kids into a cartoon, you know, it could take five minutes. You could have a quickie in the shower. But once a week, and you both know when, you can both wrap your heads around it. You can prepare for it. You can get a cartoon teed up for your kids. You know it's coming, and it's something you can count on.

and sex when it's not working in a relationship is a really big deal and it starts to fray the fiber of your connection so it's really important to invest in that and it begins to be something that you look forward to the rest of the week in the short term when you aren't having sex i really want you to focus so both of you know that sex is off the table so then you can focus on connecting spending time together and what i would say to you for valentine's day is that if If you really haven't had sex and she seems to have no desire, if you can wait past Valentine's Day, honestly, that would be advisable because the best thing you can do to help her libido is one, take some stuff off her plate, which I'm sure you're already doing so that her

stress levels are lower and she feels like you're her ally and her support because that's a big part, believe it or not, of a woman's sexual interests if she feels supported and understood and seen by her partner. so you want to kind of maybe bring that up later but on valentine's day i would really focus on doing something like really beautiful and romantic and wonderful for her and often for an overstressed harried mother an afternoon being able to do whatever she wants take a bath watch a movie go for a walk you know whatever get together with a friend in her bubble whatever it is something that will recharge her batteries because a huge part of a woman's libido especially a woman

who has children and is balancing a lot is feeling reconnecting to who she is as a woman you know spending just a little bit of time outside of her roles as mother wife daughter sister whatever that's why when a woman goes out with her girlfriends and has a great fun silly time she comes home sort of charged up and energized and maybe even aroused that's because she's reconnecting to who she really is and more often than not mothers lose track of that so you are actually doing yourself a favor if you give her that time it's a loving act it's a supportive act and it allows her to recharge her batteries and in fact that would be a beautiful Valentine's Day that doesn't cost any money if you gave her a little coupon book or card that said you know

for the next year once a week I'm going to take the kids away from the house or you go away from the house for an afternoon that is just yours. Or it could be once a month, whatever you can handle. But I think giving her those breaks are important. Scheduling sex is important. And on Valentine's Day and ongoing, creating what I call relationship resolutions. I'm not a big fan of New Year's resolutions, but I'm a really big fan of relationship resolutions on Valentine's Day, which means what do you both want to work on positively on your relationship for the year to come. So ordering a beautiful meal, set the table really nicely, open a bottle of wine when the kids are asleep. Each of you write down five things that your partner could do more of that make you

feel loved. So you're not saying, I would feel more loved if you stopped nagging me. You say, I feel loved when you tell me I did a good job, or I feel loved when you trust that I'm going to do something I say I'm going to do, even if I don't do it right away. That really makes me feel loved. So you each write down five things, and then those become your 10 relationship intentions to really work on and build on over the next year. And sex, cultivating a consistent sexual connection makes you feel loved and that's natural and normal. So that can be something that you really want to build in with a sex date over the next year. Hopefully that gives you a little bit of a starting point. I know this is a big topic. If you have any more questions on that

or you run into any problems, there's a lot more to low desire than what I just said. Sometimes it's hormonal medications, disconnect, relationship issues. So I'm happy to talk about any or all of those. And remember that if you have a question, you can, of course, always ask it. Just reach out to me at the Language of Love. You can reach me at drlauraberman.com backslash languageoflove or go to languageoflovepod.com and you can ask a voicemail or an email question. Boy, there are so many questions. Great questions. I wish I could get to them all tonight, but we have time. I'm going to be here every week with a brand new language of love episode so i'm going to keep answering these questions and doing my best to help you learn how to love and be loved better

and you just remember you can keep those calls coming anytime day or night just reach out to me at drlauraberman.com backslash language of love or go to languageoflovepod.com and you can ask a voicemail or email question right there. You'll see the links. You can also follow me for daily tips on how to love and be loved better on all social media platforms at Dr. Laura Berman. In the meantime, I wish you a beautiful, magical, wonderful Valentine's Day. It doesn't matter whether you're in a relationship or not. You deserve all the love in the world. And even if you're just loving yourself this year, that's a beautiful place to start. I'll meet you back here next week for a brand new episode of The Language of Love.

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