Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - What is Sexual Healing?

Episode Date: September 16, 2021

On today’s episode of “The Language of Love,” Dr. Laura Berman talks about ‘sexual healing,’ and what that term means to her. How can you use sexual intercourse to elevate your energetic consciousness and use sexual pleasure as a tool to help you heal your life? Then, Dr. Berman talks about another kind of sexual healing: Healing physical issues in the bedroom which prevent people from enjoying intimacy. From lack of desire to erection issues to painful sex to an inability to reach orgasm, there are many common sexual complaints that can complicate your experience in the bedroom. However, there are also many tools that can help you overcome these issues and create the sex life you desire. Dr. Berman also addresses how you can heal from past sexual trauma. In many cases, people with a history of sexual abuse may struggle to feel safe in the bedroom and avoid sex altogether, or they might use sex in a self-destructive way and have unsafe sex or make promiscuous choices even if they really aren’t wanting to do so. As Dr. Berman explains, being ‘sex positive’ doesn’t have to mean that you have to be ready to have threesomes or be ready to swing from the chandeliers: You can still be conservative about your fantasies or desires, but you are nonjudgmental and realize that sex is an important and healthy part of being human. And, if you are single, how can you initiate sexual healing when you don’t currently have a partner? Dr. Berman talks about how you can use self-stimulation as a tool for healing.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's what we're doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer calls and emails from people just like you. My goal with The Language of Love is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy. and to help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexuality really is. Be sure to email me or reach out with your very own love-sex relationship questions, and I might just answer them live on the air. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love.

Hi. Hello, hello, Dr. Berman. My question to you is simply this, what is sexual healing? It's interesting because you mentioned sexual healing, which it absolutely is. Sexuality can heal, right? And that's one form of sexual healing is tapping into the highest frequency energy, which is sexual energy, and using that to manifest things, to heal your life, to move your life forward. And then sexual healing also means, at least to me, healing things that are standing in the way, roadblocks or other barriers to maximizing your pleasure and fulfillment. Because as I'm always saying, you know, sex is only one part of life, but it's one of the most beautiful parts of life. And it's such a fundamental part of our health and well-being. And when it's not working, there's certainly help available for both men and women. And so we can talk about sexual challenges and sexual healing from that standpoint. And we can talk about the ways that our sexual energy can assist with healing our lives and

creating the lives that we want. So let's talk about the challenges first. So curious, what are some of those challenges and how do we overcome them? Well, the most common challenges and the way that, you know, they're sort of categorized diagnostically would be issues with desire. So thoughts, fantasies, motivation to be sexual, that would be the diagnosis for that. The fancy diagnosis is hypoactive sexual desire disorder, is the name of it. Then there are arousal, and I don't even like the word disorder, just like I don't like the word dis-ease, but these are the formal terms for them because,

you know, both of those things have pejorative elements, I think, and words have power. And also So all of us go through ebbs and flows. So you don't necessarily, you know, I don't like the idea of calling it a disorder if you're going through a phase in your life for any variety of reasons where you're struggling in any of these areas. But just for the sake of clarity, I'll use the professional terms. So then there's arousal disorders, which for men is difficulty achieving and maintaining an erection, difficulty sort of getting aroused. And for women, it would be dryness, lack of sensation, difficulty getting aroused. And there's orgasmic disorder, which would be either the inability to reach orgasm, reaching it too soon, you know, which would be early ejaculation. Usually it's men who have that problem, not women. Although I have met with some women who have something associated not with early orgasm, but something which is, you know, you would think would be a blessing, but it's really not called persistent sexual arousal disorder where they're walking around physiologically aroused all the time. And then there are pain disorders, right, where people either have pain with someone touching their genitals, you know, or pain with arousal or pain with orgasm. So those are kind of the categories of sexual function complaints and sexual life complaints, you know, that I see around me and in my practice. And I would say it's estimated that about 43 percent of people under the age of 59 struggle with some kind of sexual function complaint.

And obviously that can get more frequent as we age and face some of those hormonal changes. What's interesting to me, we know that these challenges exist, and they exist so frequently in the lives of people all around the world. Yet as a society, we place so many boundaries on talking about it. So it kind of perpetuates an existing problem. As part of the healing process, it would make sense to me that by virtue of having a healthy, consensual sex life and those challenges thereby going away or dissipating in some way, there's a healing and a therapeutic result. But beyond that, even if those problems didn't exist

and we weren't overcoming the challenges, there's also a ton of science that backs up the therapeutic benefits of sex. Even if you didn't have all those existing challenges, there's immense therapeutic benefits of having a healthy sex life. Can you talk a little bit about the science and some of the things that you've uncovered as far as how sex could be good for our lives? Yeah, absolutely. There's so much data out there that sex is actually good for your blood pressure. It helps promote heart health. It staves off depression. It helps cure migraines. It's really good for your immune system. It's good for your circulation. Lots and lots of benefits. It even for men, if they have regular sex with ejaculation, it prevents helps prevent prostate cancer. So

there are lots of health benefits and emotional benefits to a healthy sex life. And in relationship, if you're in a love relationship, sex, you know, isn't the end all be all of your relationship, hopefully not the only thing that holds you together. But it's an extremely important part of the fiber that connects you, I think, and have found, you know, in my work that it's super important, especially you see how important it is when it's not working, right? More than when it's working. But I just posted a video this morning, actually, about this whole term, sex positive, you know, you and you're kind of referring to this, Billy, when you talk about how there are all these taboos, and nobody talks about it. And yet, it's such an important and

fundamental part of life. And there's this whole movement of, you know, let's be sex positive, but people don't really fully understand, you know, what that means. And that's why I did the video today, because you see that hashtag out there. And people think that to be sex pot, if you're sex positive, that means you think absolutely everything is amazing. And you agree with every decision anyone makes about sex. And you're ready to have threesomes with, you know, swinging from the chandeliers in public, you know, and whatever. And that's not, you know, you can be as conservative with your personal sexual behaviors and attitudes as you want. Someone who is sex positive just has a positive meaning, nonjudgmental approach to their own

sexuality, whatever decisions they make. And, you know, they live and let live. They don't pass judgment on other people's sexual expression or gender identity. That's really, and so in my opinion, you know, our society is fundamentally sex negative. We have to make a conscientious effort to be sex positive. I think there are so many ways for the healing, and if you have any other ideas, That's how I'm very curious to hear them. Okay. And when you say, do you mean ideas about healing sexual issues or ideas about using? Exactly.

Because I'm living here in Germany since five years, divorced from my wife, and I'm living alone. And is there any other possible ways for sexual healing? So you're single right now, you're saying? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And that, you know, and obviously, you know, this as well as I do, that sexual energy, you know, obviously is fun and important in a relationship and it's useful and helpful in connecting to people or in expressing yourself with someone. But you certainly can cultivate and grow your sex life with yourself as well through self-stimulation. And I think men understand this or come to this conclusion much more easily than women historically have, although that's changing, thankfully. But for the over 35 years, you know, women were not it was not normalized or talked about female self-stimulation.

And I can't tell you how many 50-year-olds I've had in my office and even younger who have never self-stimulated or were taught it was bad, wrong, dirty or whatever and never explored themselves. Not that some men haven't too, but it's certainly more common in women. And I think it's super important. Your most important relationship, period, but especially your most important sexual relationship has to be with yourself and really understanding how your body works, what feels good, cultivating your own arousal. Even just from a maintenance perspective in between relationships or before you get into your next relationship, keeping the blood flow strong, keeping the plumbing clean, keeping the equipment working, self-stimulation plays a huge role in that. And you also get to benefit from the energetic advantages of sex. So if you are someone who eventually wants to get into another love relationship, but wants to work on healing yourself and creating your own unique relationship with your own sexuality, then I would say absolutely not only explore self-stimulation, but start exploring some tantric or what I also like to call quantum sex, which is a little bit wider than tantric sex. But to start practicing those things on your own, because then when you eventually get with a partner, you'll be well-primed to teach them all your new skills. And also when you learn tantra, which involves a lot of breath and muscle control, for men especially, you can have multiple orgasms, which typically men can't have.

It's women who tend to have them more easily, but using some tantric techniques because of the way that it actually causes you not to ejaculate. I can get into the specifics if you want me to, but I don't have to. It actually allows men to have multiple orgasms in the same way women can. But it can also get into addiction. You know what I mean? Well, I don't know that it can get. think the reason that addiction starts to happen is out of boredom, stress, or overexposure to porn, where you kind of get dependent on that. So if you are someone who is, you know, trying to live

a conscious life, you are dealing with your shadows and healing emotionally from the breakups and from the stories you have about your worthiness, and, you know, you're doing your own emotional work, you're not likely to use sex. The reason I see people move into that addiction frame is because sexual release or sex itself is a tool that they're using to not be with themselves or be with their feelings. So they may just say, I'm doing it because I'm bored. But really, boredom is a form of anger and resentment. It's just a different flavor of it. So if you aren't dealing with those underlying issues and you just want to distract yourself from your pain or your boredom or your stress or your feelings of unworthiness that you don't want

to look at, and you're using sexual release as a way to distract from that, then yes, that's where you see kind of addictive behaviors. Similarly, if you're only using porn, I mean, this is what I say to my teen boys all the time, not only my own, but the ones that I teach who are, you know, watching tons of porn, especially compared to what prior generations have, that it really does start to change your brain chemistry a little bit. And so it's very important, not that porn is bad, wrong, evil, and you should never use it, but to use it in moderation and to always make sure to also use your imagination and fantasy so that you are not someone who can only get aroused or has somehow conditioned yourself to only get aroused through pornographic images.

Thank you. That was good. I'm glad. Okay, good luck on your sexual healing. First of all, I'm from Egypt. I love this. I love all these international interesting people. What if me and her get bored? What about the break?

Will it be okay or that will be bad for us? If you got a break from your relationship, you mean? Yeah, yeah. And why would you have a break? Tell me again. I didn't understand. We are feeling bored and nowadays it's not okay with us. You're feeling bored?

Yeah. Is that what you're saying? Bored? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I think, so it makes sense, right? You're saying basically you've been having a lot of sex, you've sort of gotten into a routine and you're kind of bored because you've been there, done that. It feels sort of the novelty has worn off. And you're thinking that maybe if we stop having sex for a while, then when we come back together, it will feel new again, right? Is that what you're asking?

Yeah, you're right. Okay. And how often have you been having sex up until now? To be honest, I don't remember, but once a week. Okay. Well, so, you know, that's not, and how long have you been together? Maybe from one to two years. Yeah.

So once a week over one to two years is not really typical. It's not as typical. Not every week. Yeah. So it's not as typical. It's interesting to me that you've reached a point of boredom so early in your, you know, if you guys were together every night and having sex, you know, five to seven days a week, then maybe it would make more sense. But, but I'm wondering what constitutes boredom. Is she bored too? Or is it just you? Both of us. Both of you. And have you tried different things? Have you read any books or tried any toys or new positions? Not yet, but I'm reading books, yeah. You're reading books, yeah. I think that's a super important part of it, because if neither of you were very sexual experienced to start with, and you didn't really have a strong sex education, which, let's face it, most people in this country don't have. And I can imagine in your country as well, then you kind of just have your basic sexual experience. And then once the excitement of seeing each other naked and having your first sexual experiences wear off, then you kind of can potentially get bored if you don't know what's possible.

But sex is a form of communication, just like you would hopefully with someone who you were choosing to be in a deep relationship with or spend your life with. Yeah, but excuse me, Dr. Laura, here in Egypt, it's complicated somehow. Yeah, I can imagine. It's not that easy to let go of inhibitions or to what? Of course, of course. Yes, yes. Yeah, no, that's so it's not. So that's what I guess I'm trying to say is that it's not boredom.

I don't think that is getting in your way. It is lack of education and inhibitions. You know what I mean by inhibitions? Like, you know, just messages you grew up with that taught you that sex was bad or wrong or dirty or having sex without being married was bad or wrong or dirty. And then you start to kind of shut down from that or you adopt stories that only one form of sex is okay. Yeah. It's all about shutting down. It's all about shutting down. Yes. And so I do think that if both of you are on the same page about wanting to shift out of that, then that's really beautiful, right? If one of you were feeling that way and the other one wasn't, then we would have more of a problem, but that this is something that the two of you can explore together. And it

doesn't mean that you have to be willing to try absolutely everything or do things that don't feel in alignment with your own personal values. But it does mean that you can explore. And if you want to have a rich and exciting sex life, it's going to be, you know, just like you want to be with someone who you can always have interesting conversations with, talking, right? You want to be with someone who is willing to grow and explore a little bit sexually with you. That doesn't mean, like I said, they have to be willing to try absolutely everything under the sun, but you do want to be able to explore. You know, it's the same thing with food. You learn to cook, right? And you learn to make, I don't know, in your country, what's one of the first dishes

that a young person learns to make for themselves? Maybe the eggs. Eggs? Yeah. Okay. So you learn how to make eggs and you're really good at making eggs and you're making yourself eggs every night for dinner.

Eventually, you're going to get a little tired of eggs, right? You need to broaden your cooking skills and learn other dishes and try other ingredients or maybe even just add new ingredients into the eggs, you know? So it's the same thing with sex. It's about exploring different, you know, broadening your diet, exploring different ingredients in your sex life. And I understand culturally, the ingredients may be limited, but there are still ingredients to choose from. And the more broadly you can push yourselves, the more ingredients you'll have to work with. Yeah, I got it. Okay, good. Thank you.

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Go to Uquora.com slash love and get 20% off your order. That's U-Q-O-R-A dot com slash love. That's a great question. So if you can't get aroused except by thinking about specific things, is that a problem or is that normal? Really good question. And I think it fundamentally depends to some extent. So the easy answer is yes. There's nothing, you know, fantasy is fantasy. And a lot of people, especially in a longer term relationship with someone, you know, like we were talking before, who you've been with for a while, and the novelty has worn off. But even sometimes with someone new, thinking about specific things that turn you on or specific scenarios is not at all uncommon. And there's nothing wrong with that. Yes, I think it's worth asking the question if you cannot get aroused without thinking about that thing. And then the question is, what is that thing? And I'll give you an example of why that matters. if the thing you must think about, you know, is let's say, you know, being raped, right? Which is a common one. I see that a lot in women who have in fact been sexually victimized and raped and or raped. Now, does that mean it's bad or something wrong with them or that they wanted

to be raped because they're fantasizing about being raped? Absolutely not. It does not mean that, it more likely means that this is a way for them to really stay present and claim the power back. And it's a really common phenomenon I see with trauma victims and something I really often have to normalize for them. But it also may mean that there's some healing that needs to be done. It doesn't mean it's something you have to fix, but it is a symptom of a larger healing that would probably make lots of areas in your life more flexible and more enjoyable and more fulfilling if you were willing to do that healing. So if you're feeling stuck, whatever that thing is that you must think about in order to get aroused, it's usually because you haven't yet

been able to fully integrate that thing into your regular life in a healthy way. There's one thing to have a kink and then when it becomes a fetish, which is once again, neither good nor bad. It's just a definition. A fetish is something, a kink or a object or something else that someone is dependent on in order to get aroused. A kink would be something, usually, would be something that you enjoy, that you find really arousing and sexy, but that you don't require in order to get aroused. When I see people repeatedly and only being able to get aroused because they're fantasizing about that kink, as this person says, it's either because you're with a partner who isn't willing to really integrate or play with you in this space. And this is the only way you can

explore your kink and enjoy it is in your own mind, or that it's something that you don't feel comfortable sharing. And in that case, I would say it's really important to share those preferences with your partner. And if they're super important or in the fetish category where you really need them to get aroused, then you want to find a partner who is going to be aligned with that. Dr. Laura, because you have so much experience, I just wanted to ask about something that came up between myself and a recent partner, which was new for me, but I try to be super open. I had a partner recently make a request that was new for photos of my soiled panties, be they like either though, like that they were wet or that they were even dry and crusty. And this is something that was new to me and I went with it, but you probably have more experience. Like, what is this? And is it more common than I think? And I can't ask any of my friends. So I'm in here with like 42 of my best friends saying this. Anyway, thank you.

Oh, no. Listen, it's it's probably just a fetish that he has. You'd be surprised at how many men it seems more than women. In fact, there was even an episode. I don't know if you ever watched that show. Orange is the new black. Yes, there was an you know, they they started the women work in the prison, worked in a lingerie factory, you know, making lingerie for some company, you know, like a Victoria's Secret type thing where they were factory workers, basically, like often happens in prisons. But in this episode, a couple of the women started wearing the underwear and getting them all worn and stinky and everything else and sending them out and making tons of money to men who wanted used crusty underwear. I mean, it is a pretty common fetish that some men have. It's hard for us to relate to who don't have the fetish. I mean, for me personally, that's not a turn on. But for those who have the fetish, it definitely is. And, you know, he kind of took an emotional risk asking you, how did he respond when you

sent it to him or when you gave it to him? So he loved it. And then, um, and I think I'd seen this, like make fun of it or sort of make it look weird on those kinds of shows. I just never intersected with somebody in that way. And so I guess, yeah, like I, I'm hoping that in the future, whenever somebody does request other things that are kind of out, like, do you just say yes and, or cause you can't ask, I don't want to ask my friends cause I don't want to out my partners either.

Well, I mean, I think you'd be shocked at all the different, they're called paraphilias, sort of unusual fetishes and kinks that people really find arousing. I just was looking up the name because I couldn't remember that there's so many interesting names. But the name specifically for this paraphilia that you're talking about, you ready, is bromidrophilia, bromidrophilia. Great. And evidently Napoleon Bonaparte was a big bromidrophile. Yeah. Yeah. So and and a lot of celebrities, you know, some bromidrophiles collect natural body odors of famous people or attractive people. They're always you know, you'll always hear about celebrities having people asking for their underwear or unwashed bras or other things. So I think the main thing to remember is that there's all kinds of iterations.

And usually what they've been able to figure out, and it's fascinating to me, is that, you know, we all have this kind of love map, which is an internal neurologic and psychological map of what turns us on and arouses us, what we're physiologically and sexually attracted to. And most experts that really study this longitudinally believe that that love map is pretty well cemented by age seven or eight. So very often when you see these paraphilias, it's related to, and this is also why we see, you know, it makes sense to me why we see so many men with, more men with them than women, is because something somewhere along the way created an experiential and brain wiring connection between this atypical or unusual or thing or object or smell and sexual arousal. you know like the classic example is the guy that really loves being you know wearing diapers or being spanked and when he was little he was repeatedly you know thrown over his mother's lap or babysitter's lap and was spanked and on some of those occasions his penis was rubbed and he got aroused and he started to associate the arousal with the pain and that's how his kind of love map shifted to that. So you were dating someone whose love map included vermidrophilia.

Thank you so much. I appreciate it. You are welcome. So after divorcing from a mentally and emotionally abusive marriage that was sexless for at least for the last three years, how does a woman begin the journey of becoming comfortable with her sexuality? She's never been totally comfortable with it because of the values taught while growing up. But I need to let go of teachings that no longer serve me, she says. I think that's a great question. And I'm so glad you asked it. And it's one that so many people share. And it's, my guess is, you know, thank goodness you got out of that abusive

relationship. But if you are, you know, an adult in an abusive, having been in an abusive relationship for three years, chances are this was not your first traumatic relationship. I'm not saying that you had other abusive boyfriends or girlfriends, but maybe in your home, you know, your family of origin or growing up there, you know, I think there was probably some trauma there, probably also some sexual trauma there, and a lot of shame and criticism and judgment around your body, around your developing sexuality, a lot of negative stories. And I love that you are ready and wanting to shift out of that. And what I would say to you is that there are two facets, really huge, beautiful and important facets for you to explore in your healing before you

even think about dating again. And my prescription for you, if I can give you one, is to commit to staying single for a year and a half, half the time you are in this abusive relationship and to commit to fully falling in love with yourself, probably for the first time, discovering yourself, healing with the help of a really good clinician or healer. I've talked about this before on the show, but anyone who's been in an abusive relationship or experienced trauma, I feel somatic experiencing that form of therapy is so unbelievably helpful. It's called somatic experiencing. And if you Google that in your area, you can find practitioners who do this. And it's a really beautiful form of trauma work that kind of goes beyond the thinking brain and

helps you really connect with your emotions and releasing them so that they're not in the way anymore. And it's being used for all sorts of trauma now. So that's one facet is that I would really want you to take this time to do some work to heal from the abusive relationship, but also the abuses that came from way before and all the ways you accidentally adopted the belief that you are not worthy enough of love, of the love you deserve and desire and that you don't deserve it. And until you really work through that, it's going to be hard to call in, be attracted to or attract in someone of the caliber that you really want to attract in.

The second facet is the sexual healing piece. And I would say that for the first six months of this year and a half, I wouldn't even really bother with the sexual piece because the sexual piece is going to grow out of your love for yourself that you're going to start diving into. And then eventually, as you're really doing this emotional work that hopefully about six months in, then you start self-exploration. Once again, no sex with anyone else, only with yourself. Maybe even starting with just taking a bath and creating a ritual of sensually rubbing oil or cream all over your body, taking a moment to be with your body and to massage the cream into your limbs and your arms

and you know not I'm not talking about your genitals or breasts I'm just talking about loving your body and then moving toward ultimately you know self-stimulation and self-love but I think for you the next year and a half should be a period of healing and then self-discovery and then you're going to come out the back end of that ready for love and ready to attract in and be attracted to the kind of love that you really want and feel like you're not capable of creating i would like to ask about the the porn porn is it yeah yeah is it is it really harmful mentally and physically i think it depends on how much you're watching i think there is a role for porn in a health a healthy role for porn in a healthy relationship and sex life the slippery

slope of it, no pun intended, is, sorry, I can't help myself, is that, you know, it can become something that you, it's so easy, right? It's so much easier to just take care of yourself while watching and fantasizing and, you know, and having the fantasy spoon fed to you. You don't really have to think. You don't have to take care of anyone else. It doesn't take too long. You don't have to worry about performing. You can get totally into the fantasy. The fantasy is being handed to you on a silver platter, bada boom, bada bing, easy peasy, right? And so I understand the attractiveness of that. And for many, many, many men who are either having, you know, in a lot of stress or struggling with different kinds of addictions or emotional issues, or are in a

relationship where things are really tense, or it's difficult to bridge the gaps sexually, They can start to depend more and more on porn for not only arousal and release, but for stress relief or distraction from boredom. And that's when it becomes a problem. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, sure. So is there any process that anyone can take to start healing from it? Yeah, I think the main thing, there's two pieces. One is, you know, kind of through a systematic slowing down, right? So if you're someone that was, you know, I talked to people that are watching it all night long, you know, and they're just compulsively doing it, then you want to start cutting back, you know, whatever you've been doing, start to cut back and start to really focus. even if you don't cut back on the self-stimulation piece use your imagination even if you're imagining something you just watched several hours before on porn you're still using a different part of your brain you know you're not just watching it and letting and it's not being processed through

your brain that way it's through your imagination so that is activating different neurotransmitters and synapse connection and helping. So the more you can use your imagination and fantasy, the better. And if you have been using it for distraction or self-soothing, because there are these other things going on in your life, ways that you're feeling really stressed

or depressed or anxious or down on yourself, the best thing you can do is address those things with a therapist. And as you do start to heal and move beyond those things, the urge and the compulsion to release that way will not be as strong. This is a question from someone in the audience. She says, I've been married 32 years. Our sex life has been horrible the entire 32 years.

We just go through the motions. Yes, for 32 years. There's so many issues in our relationship. at this point, I need to learn how to self-satisfy myself. Like you said, many women over 50 have never learned how to self-satisfy. Well, I'm one of those women, but I'm ready to learn. I've tried, but I can't reach orgasm. Can you give me some simple tips as a newbie? Thank you. I love that. And I think it's so important. First of all, I would really get to know your genitals, because if you've never self-stimulated, you've always tried to, you know,

and you're certainly not alone. Like I was saying, so many women just like, I just have to be with the right partner. And I find that most men, especially nowadays, you know, and we've been talking about it during this, are getting their sex education from porn, which is not at all what really works to arouse a woman physiologically. You know, they just like put their penis on her face and she reaches an orgasm screaming on the top of her lungs. So it's not a good sex education despite how many men use it for that. So I think it's really important for you as a woman to learn about your own body. I wrote a book that was a bestseller. I love this book called Real Sex for Real Women. And there is a whole chapter in there about getting to know your body and

self-stimulation for newbies, you know, really learning about it. And lots of other great information that I think for someone like you, that would be perfect. Real sex for real women. The other thing I, cause then you're sure, you know, where your clitoris is, how it all works, how to self-stimulate mechanically and so forth. And the other thing I would say, and I do talk about this in the book, but I talk about it all the time is especially if you're over 40 is to embrace the sex toy during self-stimulation. So there are all sorts of small external, you know, someone like you would probably start with a smaller external vibrator. I have one. If you go to my website, to the shop, it'll link you to all sorts of places where you

can get them. But I have a line of sexual aids and devices. And the one that I often recommend as a starter is called the Athena. It's a small little powerful external vibrator for clitoral stimulation. And then once you kind of can have an orgasm through clitoral stimulation, which is the easiest kind of orgasm for a woman to have, then you can start practicing and learning how to have a vaginal or G-spot orgasm. But the easiest low-hanging fruit and the one that most women have, only 30% of women have vaginal or G-spot orgasms. So the easiest one to have is always the clitoral one. And a lot of women over 40 need that added stimulation just because of changes in blood flow and nerve function. And since you've never really experienced arousal and it's not

happening manually, I would say explore the sex toy. This is such a great point and a perfect lead into another question and so this individual it's a man he's blind and he said he's never been able to find the clit because he can't see diaphragms and when i've been with women i'm too scared to ask them to describe where it is and how to find it so you talked about clitoral and so this is a perfect segue into this question oh we should make a braille wouldn't that be cool to make braille, you know, anatomical drawings. That's a really good idea. Maybe you could make that. This question asker could do that eventually. But what I would do in the meantime is to ask a partner to guide, you know, because it's hard to describe where it is,

but they could absolutely guide your hand there. You can say something like, show me how you like to be touched let me put my hand over yours while you touch yourself and then you're feeling you know and this is something i recommend to couples all the time blind or not if he's really not getting how she likes to be touched or manually stimulated i'll have him put his hands gently resting over hers or have her put her hand over his and move his hand like it's hers so that you can literally feel you're not going to see you in this case you would feel where the clitoris is in relation to everything else and to describe it if this helps if you imagine so the way it works is there's the opening to the vagina a woman has technically

three holes she has her rectum or butthole basically her vagina where the baby comes out or a penis or something else can go in right and she has the urethral opening which is teeny tiny hard to see with the naked eye but it's there right above the vaginal opening and then above that is a little hood it's like a little hood of skin that covers like a hood of a cape almost that covers the clitoris. And the clitoris is full of nerve endings. It's equivalent, it has as many nerves as in the entire tip of a man's penis is in that little part of a woman's anatomy. And it actually, it doesn't seem this way because it's so small, but internally it's up to 12 to 13 centimeters in length. It's just externally, it's this small little nub.

My question is, I've been dating a person for about three years. We even got engaged. And the situation has been that the lady opened up about her exes very slowly. And that kind of probably was there in my subconscious. And after a while, she told me about her divorce and it was not quite until a while, which I understand. But what it has come by is we try to move on that. And I have some personal choices when she's too physical with her friends and who are men and other people around who have been in her life for a longer time. So she comes out telling that I'm very insecure. And this kind of has affected the original thought process of sex itself. I'm not sure if it's completely my fault or is it okay to expect some sort of change because I'm a new person with a set of experience and mindset.

And basically, we don't have any real sex at all recently because we go back and forth of this insecurity mindset is what she says. Yeah. Well, before we get into her friendships with her past relationships, are you talking about just telling you about her past relationships or telling you about her past sexual relationships, like the sex that happened? she has done both and once they started dating and when she told me about this there was a time when she wanted to get a doctor's checkup or something or so and she said hey you know what you know they might check me for anything and you know I want you to know that you know I've had six with xyz and I was married so I did not challenge I know I mean everybody has a past but Yeah. But she didn't say, oh, my ex-boyfriend and I used to do X, Y, and Z, and he used to do ABC to me in a way that left you feeling, you know, because it often happens with new relationships

that as they start to talk about the sex they had, I'm not saying I've had six partners and I'm getting tested for STDs. I'm saying, you know, my partner used to have sex with me in this position or one time we did this, that, and the other. And I do find that that very often can create insecurities about how one measures up to past lovers. So I guess that's why I was asking about that piece because you mentioned it. You mentioned that she has talked about her ex lovers. So if that was something that you were comparing yourself to or worrying about measuring up to, then that would be important to know. A. B, the next question I wanted to ask is with her affection, with her friends, I'm assuming these are male friends, right? That you're talking about.

And what are we talking? Are we talking about like a hug, hello, or goodbye, or like sitting on their laps and nuzzling their necks? What are we talking about? Not to that extreme, but definitely, yes, there are hugs and, you know, like flying kisses and, you know, more often than not a little more than I'm used to. I acknowledge the fact that I can be a little more open, but it's not even the fact that she acknowledges saying, Hey, okay, I get it. She doesn't even do that. The first thing that she would say is, is like, you're not mad enough. You know what I mean? You're always thinking about this. So even if there's a chance for me to correct, it looks like a slap on the face in the first sentence. Yeah. So she doesn't take, she doesn't take

feedback. Well, it sounds like. Yeah. And this has affected everything. And obviously sex life too because sometimes there is uh for example we're living together for a while and you know uh because of the intimacy we do make out we do have sex uh you know in gaps but it's not that she's excited uh to have sex with me or you know off the chart and when we do have many of the times you know she she comes back giving me validation like it sounds very fake and i don't know if i tied back too much in my head or you know with the with the comments that she had made very, very aggressively that that's affecting my mind. I know I cannot change her. I just wanted to take your advice on, is it really fundamentally an issue that I'm thinking, or is it something

that the other person can also walk halfway? I think the other person can walk halfway. And it sounds to me like more than anything else, this is a communication issue that, you know, you want to be in a relationship with someone, of course, who you're attracted to and who you can have good sex with and all of that. But most important in your longevity together and in your ability to be happy together is your ability to talk about sticky stuff, you know, difficult things. And when you come to her feeling, you know, an insecurity or a discomfort and she shames you or tells you you're not a man, you know, that's not healthy communication. And it sounds to me like on a certain level, you don't emotionally trust her. You don't trust that what she's saying

she feels is really how she feels. You don't trust that she respects you from the things that she's said. And you don't have the best communication and ability to work through, you know, a couple who has healthy communication could talk about this. And even if she felt like you were being a little bit, you know, too much or a little bit too controlling, she wouldn't have to say it in such an aggressive and shaming way. She could say, you know, listen, honey, I totally understand what you're saying, but these are my friends for 20 years and this is how they are. And I'm just wondering, you know, I get that you're not used to this, but I'm wondering, you know, what it is that I've ever done that has given you the, you know, like she could have a more mature and loving

communication and it doesn't sound like that's a strong suit for her no um it doesn't i totally agree with what you say somebody says something to me sometimes i totally get it that i'm not a perfect person but if the first comment is like no your thought process is shitty uh you think very very bad i said no it's i don't think of anything about you but you obviously see an attraction in a person when there's an opposite sex right i mean we see a lot of people on the day but there is one within the first circle uh that's more evident and sometimes i don't even go about talking and she sees my reaction you won't even believe yeah i just take my face off a little bit and she's like i know exactly what you're thinking i know you're thinking bad about me i'm like i did

not even say anything and then you know guess what will happen with sex or even just everything else So I would say that you guys have some issues in the communication department. And if you're going to really make it as a relationship and have a healthy relationship, you're going to need some help with your communication. And that's not unusual. Most of us were not raised in ways where we had healthy communication modeled for us. And she's someone who is really worried about having control taken away from her or somebody controlling her

or somebody demeaning her or whatever it is. So that's why she gets so quick and defensive and like, you know, you're sexist, you're controlling, you know, because that's a thorn in her side from her own childhood probably. And those are the kinds of things that you can work out in couples therapy. Thank you, Laura.

I'll definitely try that. Okay, good luck. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode of Language of Love. I love all these questions from you. And you remember that you can keep them coming. You just go to drlauraberman.com

right there on the homepage. You can either leave a voicemail question or an email question. You can also go to speakpipe.com backslash languageoflove directly and leave a voicemail question as well. But it's sometimes easier just to click on the link. I will meet you back here.

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