Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - What it Takes to Build and Maintain Trust in Relationships

Episode Date: September 30, 2024

Trust issues are the sneaky villains behind many relationship troubles. Those past betrayals and broken promises make it hard to open up again. But here’s the bright side: rebuilding trust isn’t just about fixing what’s broken; it’s about turning old wounds into a fresh start. In this Language of Love Bite, I give my advice on how to build trust in relationships, especially for those dealing with past betrayals or trust issues from their upbringing. Remember to visit my website where you can explore my diverse collection of books and courses on love, sex, and relationships. Don't forget to tune in regularly to the Language of Love podcast for insightful discussions and expert advice designed to help you love more deeply and be loved more fully. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick, and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. let's face it for some of us feeling and being trusting can be difficult in love especially if you never grew up being able to trust the word and actions of people around you

or you've been really betrayed in love then you are going to have trouble trusting so I wanted to get into a little bit some of the key elements and how to build trust in a relationship because you want to try these things if you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you. But at a certain point, if they are still unwilling to take that leap of faith with you and you're showing up in the ways I'm going to describe, I'm going to tell you what to do at the end of this video. So number one, you want to build trust? You got to be honest. And sometimes unnecessarily so, like even about those white lies. Be so unbelievably impeccable with your word that no one can accuse you of hiding the truth. So that means that you show up time and time again

and fess up when you've messed up and you acknowledge the truth and you don't fudge at all. The second, which is kind of related to the first when it comes to being honest, is to be true to your word. Now, it's slightly different because there is an element of honesty in that. But what this means is that your word is your bond. If you say you're going to be somewhere, you show up. If you promise to do something, you deliver. And if you can't, you take responsibility, you reschedule it, you do what you need to do to get it done. But you are dependable and your word is your bond. The honesty thing is important because it's not always easy, especially with those white lies, or it would be so much easier to just tell her I was still at work than I'm

stopping off for a drink with my friends or just things that maybe your partner doesn't really need to know. And it also can be a habit to white lie because we're taught to be people pleasers. We're taught not to rock the boat, especially if we lived in a family where there were real consequences. when you didn't mirror back what your key caretakers needed and expected. And it's also really common to do really silly and unnecessary white lies when you have attention deficit disorder. There's a correlation between kind of compulsive white lies and ADD. So if you are someone who has ADD or who kind of compulsively white lies,

I'm not talking about big lies. If you're someone who compulsively lie lies, you definitely want to get some help because something else is going on and is probably trauma-related and is probably affecting all areas of your life. If this is just about the white lies to avoid maybe insulting someone or disappointing someone, what I would recommend is that you start with a log. And you just keep a log for yourself. You're not going to show it to anyone of how many white lies you tell a day or maybe even a week. And if you are telling more than three to five white lies a week to anyone, I don't mean just your partner, there is a real

problem there. And it's something that I would talk to a therapist or a counselor about because what it means is that it's not only going to affect your ability to be honest, but it's also going to affect your ability to be vulnerable because it means that you don't trust yourself and the people around you and or your partner to still care about you, to still be there for you, that the sky won't fall on you if you are your authentic, true self. If you say no when you mean no, if you do what you need to do within reason, you should be able to be honest about that. And if you can't be, then there's probably something else going on.

Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams, and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the quantum sex free course.

Check it out. Let me know what you think. The third thing is that you want to be consistent. So that means that when it comes to these behaviors and even just your actions day to day, you are someone who you can be spontaneous and playful, but in the important things, you are consistent. You consistently show up. You consistently tell the truth, right? And the fourth, you are consistently kind. Now that doesn't mean you don't have bad days, but kindness and empathy show your partner that you care about them and that creates trust. When they see you being kind and empathetic to others, that builds a feeling

of trust inside them. And finally, be vulnerable because nothing bonds and builds trust like our own willingness to trust others with our most authentic selves. You want to be honest. You want to be true to your word. You want to be kind. You want to be consistent in all those things. You want to be vulnerable. You do this consistently. If after three to six months of consistently showing up this way and being really clear and really honest and really dependable and your partner is still unequivocally unwilling to trust you, now there is something else going on, right? Now this isn't a relationship dynamic or just a little bit of insecurity. This is someone who either has enough trauma in their history that's

unresolved that they are unwilling and unable to trust, or they just are unwilling and unable to trust because of their own personality. Either way, it's going to be almost impossible to have a relationship with someone who is unwilling to trust you because they're always suspicious. They're always second guessing you. They're unable to and unwilling to open up to you. They're accusing you. They're maybe even throwing temper tantrums. So what I always say is that if you follow these recommendations and if consistently doing it and after six months, your partner has not moved the needle at all, then you want to have a conversation either about getting into that person getting into some individual and maybe the two of you into some couples therapy

or it might be time to move on if you enjoyed this podcast make sure to follow and if there are other topics you want me to cover on the language of love I'm always here for you helping you learn to love and be loved better I went to the doctor said I'm crazy for your love wrote me a prescription but there's no cure for