Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - What Men Want in the Bedroom (And What They Don't)

Episode Date: November 17, 2021

On today’s episode of “The Language of Love,” Dr. Laura Berman talks about what men really want in the bedroom, and why men seem to have higher desire than women when it comes to intimacy. Dr. Berman reveals that the most common issue that she sees in her clients is the fact that men want more sex than their partners, and how those mismatched libidos can wreak havoc on your relationship. When sex falls by the wayside, it can lead to less affection, less physical touch, and less romance in general. When a woman doesn’t want sex, she may brush off her partner if he tries to cuddle her or kiss her, because she thinks “Oh no, he is just going to want sex, and I don’t even want to go there right now.” Or maybe she even feels guilty accepting affectionate touch since she isn’t ‘keeping up her end of the bargain’ and being the passionate, hands-on partner that she knows her partner wants her to be. Yet the more these things disappear (the cuddling, the hand-holding, the pet names, the snuggling under the sheets) in a relationship, the more her desire will continue to plummet as well because she needs these forms of affection to help fuel her libido. So, it becomes a vicious cycle in which less sex means less romance, and less romance means less sex, and in the end, both partners end up feeling very isolated and disconnected. Dr. Berman’s advice for couples is simple: Start by being honest about the fact that you each have different levels of desire, but make room for the possibility that this can change in the future. Every sex life has ebbs and flows, so even if you are not currently where you want to be in the bedroom, make room for the possibility that this can change and that you and your partner have the power to create the passion, fulfilling sex lives you both desire and deserve. Listen to today’s episode of “The Language of Love” to hear Dr. Berman’s best sex tips for couples struggling with mismatched libidos. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's what we're doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer calls and emails from people just like you. My goal with The Language of Love is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy and to help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexuality really is. Be sure to email me or reach out with your very own love sex relationship

questions. And I might just answer them live on the air. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Hello. There was a study I came across. Now I'm having a brain freeze, But I can find it if we want to, if anybody really wants to know, I'll look it up while we're talking. But it was just a lot of numbers about how men really want to hear verbal affirmation, to have their partner initiate physical touch, the kinds of things that women with low desire sort of complain that their partner does. Right. Especially, you know, if you're talking about your average heterosexual relationship, certainly the average. Obviously, there are men who struggle with low desire. And if anyone has a question about that, we can certainly talk about that. But on average, you know, there's sort of this stereotype, which doesn't really, you know, that is sort of reflective of what the norm is, that more men than women have high desire. men naturally have more testosterone, the hormone of desire than we do. They're socialized to be more sexually, physically focused that way. It's in their evolutionary history to be

procreating, spreading their seed as far and wide. So on average, a guy typically does have more desire than a female partner if they're in a relationship. And since 30% of women you know, struggle, at least who report it, struggle with sexual function complaints, specifically low desire, not being interested. You know, I would say that's the most common thing I hear about, the most common complaint, the most common issue that comes up sexually in relationships that one partner wants is significantly more than the other. And it is most typically the guy in a heterosexual relationship that wants it more than the woman. And so we just sort of all assume that and the woman has the headache and whatever.

And that's, you know, that's we can talk about that, too, what goes into women's desire. But what I really wanted to focus on in this blog and, you know, and what we're talking about here is this idea of even separate from the physical act of sex, which definitely plays a role in our health and our wellness and our connection and the language of love that we speak to each other and what separates us from roommates. it's also just separate from sex, just feeling like your partner wants you and you're desirable. And I think everyone wants to feel that way. But we do see with women who have really low desire, they're almost like, no, don't give me that attention because either I feel pressure or I feel guilty or I feel like, you know, you're not understanding. So they don't even want that feedback from their partner. But we all forget that guys really want that they want, you know,

it's not just that they want sex, they want to feel like they're in a relationship with someone who thinks they're attractive and desirable and wants them. And it is true that most of the time guys in a really in a heterosexual relationship will do the bulk of the initiating. And I think part of it, at least from all the women that I talked to, who maybe even have a healthy desire, It's just still, even though they know intellectually that, of course, a woman can initiate sex and, you know, there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's encouraged. There's still this hesitation or awkwardness or inhibition around, you know, feeling like they're in too much of like a pursuer role or it's too self-conscious or it's too awkward or they're embarrassed. So they don't do it. And then it all falls on their partner. I think that speaks so highly of men. One of the things that has happened, and it's natural on the tail of the shrapnel, some of the shrapnel from the Me Too movement, which I wholly embrace and support and am part of and cheer on, is that an unfortunate accidental side effect that sometimes happens and that I've seen happening more and more is male bashing.

And all men are not rapists, misogynists, you know, all of that. But I think women, you know, people, women like to think that sometimes like, OK, it's true. But then there's also the suspicion that, you know, at their core, men really just care about sex and that's it. And they don't really care about the other stuff. and what I love. Like, I don't think we would have seen that in the 50s and 40s. If a group of men were surveyed, we would not see that 90 plus percent of them, you know, in order to really enjoy sex, want to feel like their partner is into it. Like the fact that they want that and that it's not satisfying if he's cajoling her or forcing her or saying, asking her until she says yes or whatever the things used to be, you know, where women laid back and thought of England, which is what most mothers advise their daughters back then, I don't know that it would have occurred to them to care, much less would they have cared, oh, she's just not really, she's not that into it

because they just assumed that was normal. And what I love is that today's men really want a partner who's into it and they want to be wanted and it's not fun for them to coerce. And I think that's how most healthy men are, unless they're role-playing or something. I mean, that's a different story. You pose this question in your blog, which is how can women make their male partner feel more desired? Yeah, there's so many ways. I think what happens, especially if she's not really wanting sex and feeling really horny or feeling really in the mood, which let's face it, for most women, once they've been in a relationship for a while and are multitasking and goodness forbid, have kids and jobs and whatever else, it doesn't occur to them.

But it's partially thinking about what we would want with a little twist, what women would want. You know, we want to feel beautiful, right? He wants to feel attractive, handsome. He wants to have you, there's this, you know, image of the guy walking by the woman and kissing the back of her neck or giving her a hug or whatever, you know, when they're in the kitchen, right? But you never hear about her coming up and really giving, not that women don't do this, but that's not really part of the vernacular of the images. And I think guys really love that when a woman just takes the initiative to give physical affection or to give sexualized physical affection, you know, grabbing his package or squeezing

his butt or making some comment that's loving and playful, but also letting him know that you're noticing and seeing him that way. And I think most women don't do that naturally, at least most of the time. Let's talk about initiative. Why does that matter when you think about how things play out in the bedroom? It's the same thing, right? It's about feeling desired. And it's also, we forget as women, it's a lot to, you know, all of this, even just being

the mother of three boys as I've been watching them navigate, telling a girl that they like her or making the first move. Like there's, there's so much, it's so hard. All of us are afraid of rejection. Right. And then when it comes to long-term relationships, especially, you know, if you know, you're not going to be waved in, you know, and a lot of the time she, you get a no or a later or I'm too tired or whatever. It's even scarier to ask because, you know, especially certainly with our hearts, but especially with our sexuality is very vulnerable for people. And when you ask for it or try to make some move or try to initiate and then you're and then you're rejected, it's on a certain level, even if you intellectually understand it, it's humiliating

and devastating. And for the most part, men have to do all of that. I know there are exceptions and I know things are evening out slightly, but it's still largely on the shoulders of men to make not only the first move, but most moves throughout the relationship. Let's talk about words and maybe give some examples of words that would help make a man and give that man the feeling that they're desired. Yeah, well, when we're talking about physical sexual desire, you know, there's two things. It's interesting because I have always said,

and this is just from my anecdotal clinical experience of talking to as many thousands of men in different contexts, you know, and about the intricacies and intimacies of what they want. I love that this study sort of backs this up, but I've always said that it's so fascinating to me that men, if you're talking really any man, it doesn't even have to be heterosexual men,

but the majority of men just want two things and that to be thrilled in a relationship. And that is to feel wanted, desired, like they're with a partner who's into them, attracted to them, wants to have sex with them, does have sex with them on a regular basis, right? All of that wants to be wanted and desired and wants to feel like he's doing a really good job. And with both of those, it all comes in terms of the daily living of those two basic needs. It all comes down to a lot of appreciation. So if we're talking about the sexual one and physically and sexually and desired that way, it's about verbally, not just thinking his ass looks good in those jeans, but verbally saying it, you know, even better giving it a

little squeeze and, you know, whispering it in his ear, but like complimenting his physical body, but also his, how attracted you are to it, you know, and how it makes you feel and how it affects you. And I don't think, I think a lot of women who are happy in their relationships and still have a healthy libido and do find their partners attractive, think that a great deal, but they rarely say it out loud or make any gesture. And I think that's where a really cool shift is available to us, most of us. Overall enthusiasm and excitement for sex. Why is that so important when we think about this overall desire that we want men, that men should feel from their partner? Well, I think we all want to feel it. You know, sex is as much of a receiving as a giving, right,

for all of us, hopefully. And, you know, if you think about a man in a relationship, especially with someone he cares about, you know, the last thing he wants to feel is if this very intimate, very vulnerable, very unique and special thing that if he's in a monogamous relationship, he only gets to do with her is something she's dreading or putting up with or, you know, doing because she has to, you know, and some guys do get that hungry. Like, you know, she's his only sexual outlet and he hasn't gotten it for a really long time. Like a lot of guys will just say, okay, I worked with a couple. I'm just thinking about them now. A long time, it was a while back. I think they may have even been part of my show on own in the bedroom with

Dr. Laura Berman. But I remember being so struck because they had evolved to the point, this poor guy was so hungry at sex, just starving and, you know, was monogamous with this woman who was completely shutting him down. And so she would just say, she would go to sleep and say, go ahead, you know, do what you're going to do. You have my permission. Just don't leave me in the wet spot. Like to me, that's the epitome of the opposite of what we're talking about that men really need and want and deserve. Right. Can you imagine? Oh man. No, it's yeah. A hundred percent agree with you. And it's, it's, it's, uh, it's a great story, but I'm sure not unique to that specific couple. No. And it's not unique. I mean, that's an extreme, but it's not unique to a lot of people

where they're sort of like, okay, there's this energy of no, no, no. And then he gets frustrated. She's like, okay, fine. And she's kind of into it, but she's not really present and not really into it. And it's obvious, you know, that's disappointing. So the, the idea, you know, part of feeling desired is having your partner anticipate being with you. I mean, there's nothing more seductive, especially, you know, if you imagine like a partner that's got busy lives, or even when you were first dating and you were, you know, you couldn't wait to be together and you would often make comments like, I can't wait to have you alone later. Like we stopped doing that in long-term relationships. And it doesn't mean it has to have the same frenzy as it did in

the first months of your love. But, you know, to let your partner know that you're looking forward, that you're thinking about them, to send them those sexy texts that like, I can't wait to get you alone later. I can't wait until all the kids go to sleep or really makes a difference. How does one then reignite the fire? Because to your point, I think all too often we are in relationships that lose the sizzle. And what would be some very tactical tips that someone listening right now could implement into their own love life and avoid having the common pitfall of having a sleepy relationship from the sex standpoint? Well, I think it's in order. There's two goals. One is not to have, I should say, there's two kind of people that struggle with this, you know, with creating that kind of energy coming from toward a male partner. Right. One is the group that has really low desire. And so the last thing they want to do is make him think she wants it because she's spending most of her time trying to avoid that because she doesn't want it. Right. And we can address that. And the other is the group that just either because of inhibitions or because they've never thought about this before or that's not the way they were raised or they're not really sure how, you know, that's much easier to fix because that's really just about a decision and experimenting with it and read the blog and the post on social media. You'll see all sorts, you know, there's a lot of different suggestions on there beyond what I'm even talking about now, but it comes down to making a conscientious effort to, even if you just say to your, like, make a commitment to yourself that you're going to give your partner five genuine expressions of, you know, sexual and or literal global appreciation a day, right? So the sexual appreciation would be physical and, you know, thinking about wanting to be with, you know, anticipating all of those things and the emotional appreciation or the global appreciation would be about, you know, things they do for you or for the family or in the relationship or in life.

But try that for two weeks to give your partner five genuine expressions of appreciation verbally every day. And so much will change for the better in your relationship. But, you know, there's lots of ways once you make the decision that you can start fueling this. The population that I see struggle with it most are women who struggle with low desire. You know, there's that subpopulation, not as many under the age of 35 anymore, who, you know, have a lot of inhibitions and stories that nice girls never talk about sex or have sex. But most women in a long term relationship don't have like major inhibitions. It's more that they're not wanting it either because there's some medical hormonal medication reason or there is trauma history or depression or anxiety or significant body image issues or the relationship and the emotional connection between the two of you is so discordant and disconnected that it's hard to imagine wanting to be physically intimate with that person. Those are sort of the main categories I see of women with low desire. Don't you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life? You know, the same way you can skip an ad? I get it.

I'm Siaya and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned. And today I'm still figuring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll. So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. So what's the guy's role in all of this? If I'm thinking about this and being super blunt about it,

there's a lot of women perhaps that aren't being proactive. They're not seeking out advice on how to make a man feel more desired. So is there something that the man could be doing to kind of plant that seed? Hey, I want to be... I love how you're asking for a friend. Yeah, just asking for a friend. Yeah, I'm just asking for a friend. And I also love how, what were we talking about last week or last time we were on?

Self-love? Yeah, we were talking about self-love last week. And people were asking, I mean, I think we went two and a half hours or something. And we could have gone longer. There were so many people with questions talking about this. You know, people are shy. So I love that you're asking all these questions because they're the same questions that every single person has.

And if you're in a long-term relationship, you're going to go through those ebbs and flows. But when your partner has consistently shown no interest, lack of thoughts, fantasies, motivation to be sexual, the question is, there are those sort of three overlapping categories, emotional, relationship, medical, physical, right? Those are the three buckets that you want to kind of address at the same time. So, you know, if she's never been a high desire person, then that usually is something deeper, more in the emotional standpoint, trauma, depression, body image kind of stuff, fear of intimacy, fear of vulnerability. So if you're with a partner who's never really been that into it. And then as the relationship progressed, it's gotten even worse. In that group of people, you're definitely going to want to, and I'll tell you how to bring all this up in a second, but the treatment would be more from a sex therapy, trauma therapy kind of standpoint, what you would be doing more, you know, and then if she was really

into it and things were good and she has when she was maybe younger or before children or before she started an antidepressant, or before menopause, you know, she was into it, and now she's not, then very often there's a medical issue, either a hormonal issue at play, because a lot of women, especially over 38, their hormone, especially their testosterone levels lower enough where they may have low desire, and just not enjoy it as much and not be interested in much and tired, you know, those are all symptoms of low testosterone. If she's on hormonal contraceptives or SSRIs, you know, Prozac, Zoloft, those can negatively affect desire. If she has pain or something's happening during sex and it's really uncomfortable, that could affect desire. If she's

exhausted and has young children and is burning the candle at both ends, you know, that may be it too, right? And then there's sort of, and in those cases, you're wanting to work with a medical, clinical person, right? It doesn't mean there aren't also emotional issues going on or relationship issues going on. But it's really about, that's why I sort of like to look at people as a picture puzzle, because there are always, even if it didn't, even if it started with a medical issue, let's say she started Prozac or Zoloft, and she lost her desire and sexual response and then she withdrew from sex and wasn't as available, that has an emotional and a relationship outgrowth to it, right? Because it affects the dynamics between

her and her partner. Her partner feels rejected and then just unconsciously, emotionally withdraws from the relationship. Because especially if it's a guy, his usual way of feeling that emotional closeness is physical. That's one of the reasons it's so important to them. And so if he doesn't have that means to connect with you physically doesn't mean he's intentionally trying to punish you. It just means he's not as tuned in and as romantic and as connected, right? So now, because she doesn't feel close to him, she's that much less interested in having sex. So it's really about looking at all the factors all at once. And it starts with a conversation about helping her understand that this isn't just a physical, you could masturbate if it was just

about a physical release. It's really about, you know, and especially if we're talking about your average guy, the way that they achieve that emotional closeness that the average woman gets through sharing, cuddling, quality time, connecting emotionally, he gets through the physical act of sex. And so helping her understand that, you know, this is more than just getting off, which a lot of women with low desire, you know, they just see it as this nuisance, this fly buzzing of either a partner's sexual needs, like a fly buzzing in their ear, you know, but not understanding that it's a true soulful, emotional, sex, body, soul need. And I also try to help women understand that if you are in a monogamous relationship and you, that's your agreement and that's what you

want. It's really, I'm not saying it's okay for him to cheat on you if you have low desire, but it's also unfair for you to hold him sexually hostage. Like you're his only outlet and you're refusing. And just because you have low desire doesn't mean you can't source your desire from another place, assuming you're not in pain or it's like you're in the middle of your trauma and getting triggered. I mean, for your average woman who just would rather be doing the laundry, right? Once you get started, most of those women say they enjoyed it.

It was just like the hassle of getting started. So it becomes a thing where once women understand how important it is and how her withholding sex from him would be the equivalent in his heart as him refusing to hold her hand or listen to her when she talked, you know, it's like that. So once they understand that, then they can start to source sexual energy from places other than horniness, which they no longer have for any number of reasons. At this point, you know, approaching age 62 and young at heart and young in spirit and young physically, I've found often that I'm distracted by other females. On the other hand, that doesn't diminish attraction to my wife of 30 years. But I also have noticed that, I'd say more recently, I haven't been as sexually motivated, I'd say, really in the last year, you know, so let's call it from, you know, 61 to 62. And my wife is nine years younger. So I'm sure a lot of men feel this, what do I do next? Do I need to take something I have to help to perform? But what else do I do to keep my mindset on my partner for all these years who I love, respect and cherish? And but at the same time, I also, you know, realize that the intimacy isn't what it once was as deep as it was. Right. Yeah. And yet I can easily be attracted without doing anything that would jeopardize my my my marriage to, you know, to a visual, an image of rotation. So I'm wondering, how would you advise me to approach this going forward? Yeah. OK, so let me just make sure I understand, because there's a really interesting element to your story, if I'm understanding you correctly.

And you're saying that, you know, previously you had you felt a lot of sexual energy toward your wife, you know, and toward attractive women or whatever. And now but you were very into your wife. And now it's not that you're not intellectually into her. And physically, you know, objectively, but just you don't have the drive that you had before and the desire that you had before. But you are noticing that you still have desire to strangers or images or that sort of thing. Exactly. Where some see heroes and others see egos. Bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes. A fad to some, the future of money to others.

we see crypto's trillion dollar swings the end of jobs or the end of human struggle we see the endless funds fueling the ai hype while others follow the noise we follow the money learn more at bloomberg.com okay yeah so so what i love about your question is that it depicts an action, something scientists, I guess it was about 10 years now, maybe 15, had discovered. I remember learning this from Helen Fisher, who's one of my heroes. She's an evolutionary anthropologist. She studies evolutionary history and evolutionary psychology, but she looks at sex through that lens. And one of the things that she told me, which I thought was so interesting, is that when people have, women and men, when they have affairs, their testosterone

peaks, right? So you may have, you know, in this context, she was talking about women who were in long-term relationships, low desire, you know, just like I was talking about before. But then a flirtation, now their partner is checked out, or flirtation starts at work or whatever. And all of a sudden, she's wanting sex all the time with this other person. And of course, there are cognitive or neurologic reasons for that. When you have someone new, when you see a stranger who's a clean slate and you would be a clean slate to them, there's some novelty there and that stimulates the dopamine production in the brain, which, you know, is a lot of what's going on with sexual attraction and sexual excitement and courtship and new love. The

dopamine centers of the brain are firing like crazy. So when you see a stranger and imagine being with them, or in some cases, if you're cheating, I know you're not, you know, actually are with them, the dopamine centers of your brain are triggered. So it kind of makes sense that your testosterone would give a little spike and your dopamine might spike a little when you see something novel. That doesn't mean you want to act on it. That doesn't mean something's wrong with your wife. It's just that you're dealing with a smaller deck, so to speak, of testosterone cards because you're now in your... Now, let me just preface this by saying I'm a PhD. I'm not an MD. I'm just speaking to you from my decades of experience helping to shepherd people, men and

women, through the medical aspects of their sexual function issues. And I've worked with a lot of physicians that do this work, but I by no means am a physician. So let me just say that. But what I would guess is going on with you from what you're describing and your age is that your testosterone levels have declined. So it's usually men in their late 50s, early 60s who see the symptoms of lowering testosterone, which is low energy, not as much joy for life, difficulty sexually responding with erections, maintaining erections, lower sensation, and lower desire. The desire is there. The erections are less. The joy for life is there. I look great. I feel sexy. I remind myself every day, that's all there. Do you think that I, you know, and exercising more

is there? Do you think I need to do something with a hormone? Do you think I, what do you think? Well, I mean, like I said, I'm not the expert. It wouldn't hurt to have it assessed. You know, the one thing I can say for men and sexual medicine is that, you know, they're 20 years ahead still in men, you know, men are ahead of women in terms of what sexual medicine has available, testing, evaluating, diagnosing, and treating. And so if you go to any urologist, you are O-L-O-G-I-S-T, urologist who specializes in sexual medicine, there are a lot of them in every city, they would be able to assess your hormone levels. Just don't let them slap some, you know, say, don't worry about it. Here's some Viagra, Cialis or whatever the pharmaceutical rep

left them last. You know, don't just leave it at that because it's worth knowing where your testosterone is, even for your health and your prostate health and everything else. So it's worth getting tested, I believe. I'll do that. And there's so many treatment available of treatments available. And since you were at that place and your relationship is still really good, and now there's kind of like a neurologic and maybe physical shift. To me, that smells of hormones. Yes, I see. So urologist that specializes in? Sexual medicine. Good. Solid. Really great. I'm glad I joined. Thanks. Thanks for having me on.

All right. Good luck. Thank you. What haven't we explored? Maybe it's physical components, but what else haven't we explored on this specific topic of what men really want in the bedroom beyond the desire, because we know that exists. What else do they want in the bedroom? You know, I think they want someone who's comfortable with their body, who's open to, you know, you don't have to be open to trying anything and everything and whatever they want, but who isn't completely shut down, who's willing to push the envelope a little bit, to push their comfort levels a little bit, you know,

who's flexible, who's not judgmental. I think obviously most men really, you know, the biggest complaints I get from both from women or that nobody, you know, their partner stops making out with them, kissing them without it being part of foreplay. The biggest complaint I get from men, and this is assuming that the couple is still really regularly sexually active, not that there's a desire issue. The biggest complaint that I get from guys is that oral sex goes out the window. So those are the making out for women, not that they don't want and enjoy oral sex. Of course, they do. But the making out, you know, is the biggest complaint. And the oral sex is the biggest complaint for guys. So by virtue of that, we can say that that's very important for their

satisfaction too. Most men miss that in long-term relationships. They don't get as much of that. So then the natural question, and I'm just asking for a friend, is how can a man or even a woman create the desire on their end to want to do those things? Or how can a man plant the seed or suggest that, hey, these are some things that I would actually love to have as part of our sexual relationship. You just say that. First of all, this is so great because now you can play your partner this pot, maybe Billy can't because he's the one asking all the questions, but the rest of you, because he's asking for a friend and his partner will probably know it's not a friend, but the rest of you, you can play this for your partner and it'll kind of make all the points for

you. But the main thing is to help your partner understand and also ask them like, what are the kinds of things that you really love sexually, that you would want more of, you know, that you really enjoy. And I think I always say relationships in general, in terms of the maintenance of them, you have to give them as much attention as you would a business, right? So you have little quick meetings every day where you're talking about the logistics of your lives. You have maybe family meetings every week where you're talking about the layout of the week and the weeks to come. You know, you have every quarter, you should have sort of a general meeting about things that are working and what you want more of and what you're excited to try out, you know. And I think that the

sexual needs and wants are a fundamental part of your relationship's health and also shift and change over time, you know, so to really check in on how things are going in the emotional and physical connection department is really helpful. And then that gives you an opportunity to bring some of these things up. And, you know, I can tell you that if your partner has really low desire, she's probably not as into foreplay, because she's just kind of not into it. And she just is kind of going through the motions. And then that often means an absence of oral sex as well. And often she doesn't even want you to do her. She just wants to get down to business. And men feel that and feel like, OK, you know, she's doing me a solid, but she's not that into it, which is exactly what we've been talking about. So the way you would resolve that is by everything we've talked about in terms of addressing low desire. But I think it starts with the conversation of what you really want and what turns you on and what you'd love more of. And, you know, hopefully them listening and honoring that and understanding the importance of that as we've been discussing and why it's important.

What are some do's and don'ts that we should be aware of and mindful of as we think about how to best communicate and how to avoid communicating the wrong way? Right. Well, you definitely don't want to have these conversations about your sex life during a sexual exchange. So either during one of your relationship meetings or just in general, but not during sex. And you want to really focus on the positive. I remember my husband and I, and I started kind of quoting the AY, American Youth Soccer Organization. My husband was a coach for 10 years. And so he knew that coach training thing that was mandatory every year backwards and forwards. But one of the things they would always say that I that I, you know, that we said was the same for relationships and for sexual feedback is they would say to the coaches for every piece of constructive criticism you give a kid, make sure you give them five compliments first. You know, like you pass the ball so well and you were so enthusiastic and ran so fast. But next, you know, so it's sort of the same thing where you're like, I love our connection.

It felt so good to be with you. I love being, you know, having that physical time with you. And I was thinking that what I would really love to try is this or, you know, it really turns me on when you do that to me. And so you're framing it in the positive. You're not complaining. You're not criticizing. You're doing it in the positive. And I always say, and I have to check myself too, in all communication with my husband, you know, I have to sort of say to myself, turn your complaint into a request. Like that's my mantra to myself. So if there's something that's, you know, even if it's something about the house, right, that's, oh, the roof won't stop leaking, we have to call. I really try to be like, you know what, I'm realizing we really need to call the plumber. And would you be willing to call him tomorrow instead of, you know, instead of Saturday or whatever, you know, just turning it into a request. And it's the same thing for sex or for whatever it is that you want to get across in your relationship.

So there is an art to finessing, but I think it comes down to learning how to inspire people, right, versus shame them or criticize them. And most of us weren't raised that way. So it's an art we have to learn. if there are topics that you want to learn more about in the categories of love relationships challenges ways to build what you you know what's already working ways to approach love from a metaphysical level tantric sex whatever it is dating mating ovulating we can talk about any or all of that and i look forward to talking to y'all next time when we gather again thank you so much for joining me on this episode of language of love i love all these questions from you and

you remember that you can keep them coming you just go to drlauraberman.com right there on the home page you can either leave a voicemail question or an email question you can also go to speakpipe.com backslash language of love directly and leave a voicemail question as well but it's sometimes easier just to click on the link. I will meet you back here. A brand new podcast is coming out next Wednesday. So look for that. Make sure to subscribe if you like it

and I'll see you next time on the Language of Love. Bye.