Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - What’s Your Number? To Tell or Not to Tell?

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, I'm sex, love and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman. And for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. should you or shouldn't you discuss your sexual history with your partner your past

Starting point is 00:00:33 sexual escapades and in particular your number that's the question that i get asked so often by people should you or shouldn't you share your number with people or with potential partners or with current partners you know where they ask i'm going to give you my take on it first of all In terms of your sexual history, the only thing that is important to share are any sexually transmitted infections that you have. Currently, I'm not saying that you had chlamydia when you were 10 years ago and it got treated unless that was traumatizing for you and affects your life today. But otherwise, unless it, you know, if it's a chronic sexually transmitted infection like herpes or even HPV or HIV or hepatitis, then you do want to tell your partner. And there is an art to telling your partner, ideally, the sooner the better, right? But basically what you want to do is as soon as you know you're going to get sexual with them,

Starting point is 00:01:38 like as soon as you know you're attracted to them, you say that. So maybe you've made out or you know that there's some attraction there, you've gone on your second, third date, you say, listen, I just want you to know that my policy is that when I'm dating someone and I'm really attracted to them. And I would put you in that category. I think it's important to talk about our sexual histories in particular, any sexually transmitted infections. So I'm happy to share mine with you, but I'm wondering, you know, if you'd be willing to share yours with me. Boom. And you tell them, well, I have this condition or this infection or whatever it is, this is how I'm managing it. This is how it's kept under control. This is what we need to pay

Starting point is 00:02:20 attention for because you're doing a couple of things. One, you're not getting your heart too far in. I think with none of these things that I mentioned, is it something to be ashamed of? But you're also not getting your heart to invest it if someone's going to react negatively to that. That's their problem. Screw them if they do. But at least you will know sooner rather than later if they aren't someone that you want to invest your time in and you'll know that before you get attached, but you're also now getting ahead of it. So there isn't any miscommunication and you're sharing it with them in a very empowered way, how you're managing it, how you're managing the symptoms, how you're managing the risk of transmission, and you're both understanding

Starting point is 00:03:00 where you're coming from. Okay. I mentioned that here only because I think it is related to the number and the history. Hey, don't forget to go to drlauraberman.com. You can find so much great information there and sign up for my newsletter. So you get weekly updates on how to love and be loved better. And also on my website, you can get my brand new ebook. You're not crazy. You're just ascending. It's a practical guide to spiritual awakening that many of us are going through right now. And it's enough to make you feel crazy. So check it out. I'm here for you. Always helping you learn to love and be loved better. So from that standpoint, obviously you want to share your history with a potential partner or partner in general. I do not think it is necessary to

Starting point is 00:03:45 share your number. The number is irrelevant. And by the way, most people lie. Let's just face it, whether we like it or not, a lot of guys will up their number and a lot of women will lower their number. Do not worry about the number. And quite frankly, I do not think it is a good idea to share the details of your past sexual escapades with your partner. Because like it or not, those are images that are really hard to get out of your mind. So you told them about this amazing sexual experience or this wild sexual experience or whatever it was that you had with this past partner. And then when they're having sex with you, that's what they're thinking about, or they're fearful you're comparing them or they're, they just can't, those images are really hard to get

Starting point is 00:04:32 out of your mind, and they serve no purpose. If it would enhance your relationship or your intimacy or your sexual connection, then it's worth sharing. So in those things in your past, maybe if you had sexual trauma or sexual abuse or a sexual experience that was traumatic, you want to share that with your current partner. Because that's part of the fiber of who you are as a sexual person. If you discovered something that you loved that was unexpected with a past sexual partner, you want to share that. You don't have to say, oh, when I was doing XYZ with so-and-so in 2017, it was amazing, and I want to do that with you. You don't have to give them all the details, but you can share things from your past which you have found really arousing, really

Starting point is 00:05:25 exciting or really repelling, those things are helpful to share. But the number and the details of your past sexual life, I say don't share. You let me know what you think though. I am always here for you, giving you my best advice from my over 30 years of experience, helping people like you learn to love and be loved better, which is what I'm here for. I went to the doctor Said I'm crazy for your love Wrote me a prescription But there's no cure for crying

Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - What’s Your Number? To Tell or Not to Tell?

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