Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - When a Narcissist Wants Back In: What to Consider

Episode Date: December 11, 2024

They swept you off your feet, showered you with affection, and made you feel like the center of their world—until they didn’t. Now, just when you thought you were done, they’re back, promising that they’ve changed and insisting that this time will be different. But can someone who left you feeling confused and used really transform that quickly? That’s exactly what Sarah, one of our listeners, is dealing with in this Language of Love Session. She broke up with her toxic ex, only for him to return with flowers, apologies, and promises of change. It’s hard not to get pulled back in, right? One minute he’s manipulative and unsupportive, and the next he’s sending heartfelt letters. So, what’s really going on here? Is change possible, or is this just another round of love-bombing? In this Session, we dig into: How to recognize signs of narcissistic and emotionally abusive behavior What are the signs they’ve really changed? The toxic cycle of abuse, and why it can create “trauma bonds” that are hard to break Stockholm syndrome and its effects on relationships Why real change takes time—and how to spot real commitment to growth The importance of therapy for both partners in a healthy relationship Setting boundaries to protect yourself and move forward Send your questions to [e-mail] or visit my website to join the conversation—I’d love to have you on the show! Plus, check out my free Quantum Sex Course to elevate your sexual response. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions, where I get to answer your questions,

either live on the line or email questions, which is what we're getting to today. And you remember, if you either want to come on the show, I love talking to you live because we can really go deep and have a back and forth. Or if you want to email me a question, you can go to languageoflovepod at gmail.com, languageoflovepod at gmail.com. Here is a question from Sarah. She says, Dr. Berman, I just broke up with my toxic ex. He is a narcissist and wasn't supportive of my career aspirations. I realized we had a lot of different values and I finally broke up with him since then. He has completely changed. He sends me flowers, writes me love letters, say he will be whatever I need him to be and that he can't imagine spending his life with anyone

else. I hate this, but I'm feeling like I miss him. I know he's probably manipulating me and love bombing me, but I can't help but feel like maybe I should give him another chance. Can people really change? And can they change fast? And should I give him another chance? Okay. I don't know, you're saying he's a narcissist. I don't know if that's a formal diagnosis, but I'm assuming that the reason you're saying he is a narcissist is because he was critical and controlling. He flew into rages. He's not open to learning. He can easily feel criticized. He gaslights you, meaning you're upset about something. And by the end of it, you're apologizing to him. He turns everything around on you. He's unwilling to kind of take his hundred percent responsibility.

If that is true, then absolutely. That is a form of emotional abuse. So with an emotional abuser or a physical abuser, what they will often do, at first they'll demonize you and go crazy on you and get really mean to you and do really destructive things to you. The other thing they will sometimes do is what you're describing, especially a physical abuser. This is the cycle of abuse, it's called. So let's just talk about physical abuse because that's easier for people to understand. The physical abuser does something violent to you. You leave him and you move out or you kick him out or whatever. And then he comes back hat in hand. Oh my gosh, I can't believe I did that to you. I love you so much. I've seen the error of my ways. He brings you flowers. He shows up. He does all the things that you always asked him to do, but he's just doing everything he can to win you back. And then you take him back. And then within

a few months, he starts the whole cycle again. This is a cycle of abuse. The same thing happens in emotional abuse. Now, do we know? I don't know because we're not doing this live if he really fits what I'm describing in terms of the way a typical narcissist behaves or if he's just someone who is slightly emotionally immature and wasn't really supportive of you and now has woken up. But either way, to answer your question, people don't change quickly. People don't change, period, until they want to change. Now, for the sake of argument, this may have been indeed a wake-up call for him, and he may, in fact, want to change. But he sure as poop hasn't changed overnight. He may, in the short term, be able to sustain those behaviors that look like he's

changed. But the core issues don't just shift overnight. The core issues that led him to behave like a narcissist are not gone. They are going to resurface as soon as he feels safe and connected and like you're back in the fold again. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up

in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams, and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the Quantum Sex free course. Check it out and let me know what you think.

If you really want to give him a chance, and this is assuming that he's not a narcissist because narcissists are really hard to fix or to treat, and they have to be really willing to acknowledge their diagnosis and take a deep dive into treatment. But either way, what I would encourage you, if you're my friend or client or kid or whatever, I would be saying to you, listen, if you really love this guy, it's not just that you're lonely and this isn't just a trauma bond, which I'll explain in a second. So put a pin in that. And you really want this relationship to work. And he's showing you that he's remorseful and he wants to change. Do not think he has changed, but say to him, look, I do still have feelings for you. I'm scared. I'm not sure this

will work. I like what you're showing me, but there's no way that anyone changes overnight. night. However, I am willing to give this a chance, but this is crucial. The only way that I am willing to give this a chance is if we go to couples therapy together and you go to individual therapy as well to work on the issues. And you list all those issues that were coming up in your behavior in our relationship and to really understand them and start healing them so that this never happens again, because I am not willing to be in a relationship like this. And we need to do couples therapy to work on our communication and to heal the rifts that have happened. Now that will give you a lot of information because if he says, Oh no, I don't

need therapy, or he refuses to go to therapy, or he goes to one session or two sessions and then says, Oh no, this therapist isn't good. She doesn't, or he doesn't really know what they're doing. I don't really need therapy. You know, that kind of thing. Then that's really clear that he's not willing to take his 100% and to take responsibility. I would not just like let him 100% back in your life until you have gone to three months of weekly sessions together and apart

so that he has shown you that he's not just gonna start therapy to get back into your bedroom or house, but that he's going to stay in therapy, that he's that committed to changing and that committed to the relationship that he is willing to do the work it takes. Now, if he does that, then excellent.

I feel really good about you getting back together. If he doesn't, then he's not going to change. And you will very quickly find yourself in a similar situation that led you to break up with him in the first place. So back to the trauma bond. If you are someone, and chances are, if you're in a relationship with a narcissistic person,

you have trauma. You were raised by a narcissist, most likely. or an addict or an abuser of some sort. And that is the core of the trauma bond. That means that your core root bonds, two things it typically means. One is that your initial early development bonds were around this kind of traumatic connection. So someone loves you and then pushes you away. Someone is all over you and then abandons you. Someone is praising you and then criticizing you, kind of like the rat in the maze being sometimes given a treat and sometimes not given a treat.

If that was an aspect of your childhood, then you have a tendency, if you haven't healed that, and this is going to be really important for you to do so you don't keep being a match for this, you need to do your own healing work from your childhood so that you aren't attracted to and caught up in these kinds of relationships. The other aspect of a trauma bond is along the lines of what therapists have coined the Stockholm syndrome, because there was this kidnapping. I don't remember when this was, like in the 70s. And I guess it was in Stockholm. I'm sorry, I don't remember the details right now. But basically, it's this whole idea of being the victim and identifying and bonding with your captor because and this happened in the concentration camps. This happened in prison or war situations.

This happens in hostage, you know, in kidnapping situations. When you are totally dependent on someone for your emotional or physical survival, you start to idealize, you start to bond to them because they're the only ones there. And then when they took in the Stockholm syndrome situation, when they rescued these people that had been kidnapped, they wanted to go back, you know, or like Charles Manson is another example. They want to go back to him. They still have that bond with him.

it's a dysfunctional bond born from trauma, which is why it's a trauma bond. And so that can happen in a love relationship. If you formed a trauma bond with him around the push me, pull me, love me, hate me, cherish me, abuse me, that bond still may be intact. But usually I find that that bond has to be rooted in early childhood trauma and abandonment and abuse and or abuse as well. So I hope that gives you some guidance. I know you want him. I know love doesn't just turn off, but change does not happen overnight. And it only happens if we really want it and we're willing to do the work and we sustain the work. You give me a call if you want to talk more about that. You can always go to languageoflovepod at gmail.com if you want to email me a question or

just tell me. I want to get on the show and talk to you live. I'm always here to help you love and be loved better.