Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - When One Partner Wants More, What Do You Do?

Episode Date: November 26, 2025

Are you worried and feeling tension in your bedroom because of very different sex drives? You want to address it, but the last thing you want is for either of you to feel rejected or pressured. How do you solve uneven desire?  In this Language of Love session, I answer a question from Ashley, who writes in about her and her partner’s very different sex drives. It’s one of the most common struggles I see in couples, and one that can actually bring you closer when you understand what’s really going on. We talk about why sex drive naturally changes over time, how the early infatuation stage gives way to the sweeter (but calmer) attachment phase, and what it takes to keep intimacy alive when spontaneous horniness disappears. Because it’s not about waiting for fireworks, it’s about choosing connection. We explore:  Why almost every couple experiences uneven desire at some point What really happens when the infatuation phase fades How to source desire from connection, not just horniness Why scheduling sex doesn’t make it mechanical, it makes it happen How hormones, stress, and medical issues can quietly affect libido Why quickies count (and how to make them meaningful) When to see a sex therapist and why earlier is always better How to rebuild closeness before addressing the “sex part” Why trauma changes the approach to intimacy and how to honor that The simple truth: sex is the glue that keeps romantic love feeling alive If you’ve ever wondered how to keep desire alive when you and your partner aren’t on the same page, this episode is your gentle reminder that it’s not about doing more. It’s about being more open, more aware, and more intentional. Remember to visit my website to explore resources and take the quiz “What Do You Really Want in Love?” I’m always here to help you love and be loved better. You can send your questions or join a future Language of Love session at [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome to Language of Love Sessions, where I answer your calls, emails, questions,

struggles around life love grief connections dating whatever's on your mind I want to hear from you you can always email me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com if you want to come on the show and talk live or you want to email a question that is what Ashley did she's saying Dr. Berman, my partner and I have very different sex drives and it's starting to cause tension in our relationship. I don't want either of us to feel rejected or pressured. How can we approach this lovingly and find balance? Yeah, Ashley, that's almost a universal issue. I would say 90% of the couples I meet go through at least some phase, if not a long phase, where their natural desire, their thoughts, fantasies, motivation to be sexual is uneven.

It's the most common complaint that I hear about love relationships is uneven desire. Now, what does that look like in action? It can be complicated. So let's just assume you don't have a history of trauma, especially sexual trauma, because then it's a little trickier to do what I'm going to prescribe here. and may bring up some trauma. So we want to make sure to kind of approach it differently if you have a trauma history,

because what's going to be important if either of you have a trauma history, but especially if the low desire person does, because what's going to be important is looking at sex as the cement that binds your romantic connection. Of course, you can have a lovely relationship if you're more like roommates than lovers, right?

You can be good co-parents, you could be good roommates, But there is something that when the sexual relationship starts to disappear, that frays the fiber of your connection. And it's really what sets your love relationship apart from a friendship or a roommate situation. And it's really a big part of what will sustain your relationship as well. Not to mention it's a beautiful part of love, but so many of us assume that we're supposed to have spontaneous horniness all the time. That doesn't usually happen once the quote unquote infatuation stage of the relationship ends and you move into what scientists call the attachment phase. So the infatuation phase is where you're horny as hell and you're going at it all the time. And that lasts three months to three years, depending on how much time you're spending together, how quickly you become committed and how quickly you kind of show your true selves, your authentic selves to one another.

But once you're really committed and you're consistent and there's safety in the relationship and there's not a lot of novelty because you really kind of understand each other and know a lot about each other, then that natural dopamine hit that kicks in in the infatuation stage starts to decline and those attachment chemicals kick in, which really builds a more sustainable kind of love that is much sweeter and more romantic, but it's less sexually driven. So what I see happen in a lot of couples is that they're expecting their sex drive to come from spontaneous horniness. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level, capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to Dr. Laura Berman dot com and you'll find it right there on the home page.

The quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think. For the one with lower desire for anyone, really, your sexual desire has to come from a place of wanting to connect with your partner in a way that really lands from wanting to feel close and connected to your partner, from wanting to nurture the relationship and the connection between the two of you. And so what that means is, and this is what I hear especially from women, but really from both partners who have low desire. And let's face it, it's usually the

woman who has low desire, although one in five men, about 30% of women have low desire, but one in five men do. So it's not just women who quote unquote have the headache, but anyone who has low Desire, what I find is that you may not feel like it. You might wish you could be watching Bridgerton or some show or doing something else on your to-do list or scrolling through social media or taking a nap. But once you get going sexually, you really enjoy it and you have a great time and you feel closer and more connected and you think, oh, we should do this more often. So what does that mean? It means you source your desire from a place other than horniness.

And if you're having trouble making it happen, please, please, please embrace scheduling it. I find that that is one of the most helpful and powerful things a couple can do. And yes, the movies make it seem like it's supposed to happen spontaneously. If you are waiting for it to happen spontaneously when one of you has low desire and or if you have children, you are going to be waiting a long time. So make those weekly sex dates. It doesn't have to be on the same time of day or on the same day of the week, every

week, but commit to it. Keep the sex dates, okay? And it doesn't have to be a five-hour event every time. It can be a quickie if you want, right? I mean, don't make everyone a quickie, but make sure you're keeping that sexual connection going. Now, if you are having pain during sex or dryness, you want to attend to that because obviously that's going to affect your drive and your enjoyment. So you want to see a doctor,

especially one that specializes in sexual medicine, whether you're male, female, or somewhere in between, you want to make sure to do that. Get your hormone levels checked, especially if you're in your late mid to late thirties or beyond either of you, you could be having hormonal changes that can affect your desire, your comfort with sex, physical comfort with sex, and your ability to get sexually aroused. So you want to make sure to attend to any medical or physiologic issues. And certainly if one or both of you have sexual trauma, you can imagine that kind of pushing yourself to have sex when you don't really feel like it might bring up some other old traumas. So we want to make sure that you are working with someone. If this strategy doesn't work for you,

Ashley, then I would say work with a sex therapist because if you have a good connection or even if you don't, but certainly if you do, the sooner you see a sex therapist for uneven desire or anything else that's happening in your sex life, the easier it is to fix. It used to be that couples would come to me when they were on the verge of divorce and the issues have been going on for so long. And then we'd have to do so much work to get them back on the same page, feeling trust and connection again to even want to have sex before we could address the sexual issues. I've noticed a beautiful trend where couples are coming to see me sooner in the process, which I love because when there's still a lot of connection, affection, goodwill between the two of

you, it's so much easier and quicker to address the sexual issues. So I hope that helps. You keep us posted on how you're doing. And remember, I am always here to help you love and be loved better. We'll see you next time.