Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - When Sex is in the Way of Love

Episode Date: May 5, 2021

On today’s unique episode of “The Language of Love,” Dr. Berman talks about what to do when sex gets in the way of love. Yes, while normally Dr. Berman addresses issues like lack of libido or lack of sexual pleasure, today she is talking about what happens when TOO much sexual pleasure gets in the way of the love you want. First, Dr. Berman helps a woman who says that she is tired of men who seem to only view her as a sexual object. While she dates a lot and has no problem meeting men, she says that she is constantly dealing with guys who are too overtly sexual at first and don’t seem interested in her beyond sexual gratification. How can she attract a man who is actually interested in a relationship and not just hooking up? How can you create a dating profile that is flirty and fun, while still making it clear that you are only looking for monogamy and serious relationships, not casual sex? Next, Dr. Berman helps a man who is dating a woman 20 years his junior. While their sex life is fantastic and he is having a great time, he is tired of his friends and family assuming that he is just her sugar daddy and that this isn’t a real relationship. How can he get people to take their relationship seriously, and what should he do about the fact that she is currently in financial distress and could use his monetary support? Is it ever possible for May-December relationships to last, especially when there is a power imbalance and one person has all the money, while the other has the youth and beauty? And what do you if your friends aren’t respectful of your romantic choices or don’t take your younger partner seriously?  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist. And for the past three decades, I've been helping people learn how to love and be loved better. That's just what I'm doing here on The Language of Love, where I get to answer your calls and emails and your most important questions. Because my goal here is to help you discover more meaningful emotional and physical intimacy and to also help you build more awareness of how precious and sacred your sexual life really is. So be sure to email or reach out with your very own love, sex, and relationship questions.

And I might just answer them live on the air. Whether you're single, married, gay, straight, cis, transgender, I am here for you. And this is a safe space to ask all the questions you've always wanted to ask your doctor or your friends, but maybe have just been too embarrassed to bring up. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Hey, I'm excited to spend some time with you talking about a really important topic. And this is kind of ironic, but it's when sex is getting in the way of the love you want. We're going to talk about that on this week's Language of Love.

I have a lot of questions on this that we're going to get to in this episode, starting with Nicole's voicemail. Hi, Dr. Berman. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to let us submit our questions. I really value your advice, so thank you in advance. I'm calling in regards to just a pattern that I'm seeing in my dating life. I feel as if I only attract men who are just so overtly sexual at first. I do get taken out on dates and I do feel like men try to get to know me, but it just always turns to something sexual.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't think I present myself in any overt way. I just I need to know what to do to just prevent this from happening because it gets really draining and I just feel burnt out with dating. Oh, yeah, I can imagine. And, you know, I get this question a lot. Women especially seem to have this, like, I'm on these dating apps and I'm making clear that I'm looking for love. That's what I want, that I want a relationship.

And yet the only guys that I seem to be attracting in are people who are not interested in more and mostly just sexually interested in me. And, you know, I think that's a big issue. So let's just talk nuts and bolts first, and then we'll kind of talk in the more energetic, psychological way, right? So from a nuts and bolts perspective, if we're talking about online dating apps, I have obviously spent a lot of time thinking about this, not as a single woman, because I'm not single, but working with as many single people as I have. And I do a lot of kind of rehab on people's dating profiles and talk to a lot of dating experts who specialize in profiles. And the bottom line is that you have to be really careful, especially if you're a woman looking for men, because men biologically and from a DNA perspective are very visual. That doesn't mean that women aren't visual, too.

I don't mean to pigeonhole people. But in general, men really are focused on visual stimulation, and they've even done studies that have shown that on these dating apps, men will look at the pictures. they won't even read the profile as much unless they really want to get to know you or they want to go on, you know, they've gone on a few dates with you. Maybe then they'll read it, but usually they go primarily by the pictures. Now, why is that important? Well, first of all, general rule of thumb is that we all want to put our most realistic and attractive picture up. So not one from five years ago and not one when you were 30 pounds thinner, you know, a real picture of you. and you want to have like a headshot.

It doesn't have to be a professional headshot. In fact, I recommend against that, but a headshot so they can really see your face and your eyes and also a full body shot. And the full body shot should be, you know, something that you'd wear out on a date. You don't want to have other people with you in the pictures if possible.

Maybe a pet, but you know, not other people. Those are the general rules of thumb. Now, if you are a woman who's getting this kind of attention only, then usually that means, just from the nuts and bolts perspective, that perhaps your pictures are not only attractive, but, you know, kind of sexy, right? Now, that doesn't mean that you don't want to find a man who thinks you're sexy. Of course you do. But what the studies have also shown is that heterosexual men are looking for a woman who looks like the girl next door. So you want to take a picture of yourself and something you wear on a date, but not

necessarily something you'd wear out to the club, you know, with your cleavage showing and a tight fitting teeny weeny skirt. You know, you certainly don't have to sit there and sweats. It should be something nice, but it should be something that quote unquote, the girl next door would wear. That doesn't mean that the girl next door doesn't like to have sex because of course she does. I'm not saying you make yourself look like you're not a sexual person or that you're

not attractive. But just because what happens is if those guys who are only looking for sex are scrolling through the pictures looking for pictures of women who look sexy, okay? Now, and they're not thinking girl next door is sexy. They're thinking sexual sexy, girls they'd pick up in the club, okay? So that's just a simple initial kind of easy thing you can do. Also in the profile where you describe yourself. Stay away from terms like, I love to have a good time. Of course you love to have a good time, but that is code with these guys who are just looking for sex. You're going to be one of the ones that they're going to reach out to because to them that's code for, I like to have a good time, you know? So in the profile, make very clear what you're looking

for. I am looking for someone who, you know, really wants to have a relationship, who is looking for a long-term love, you know, and then say the other things about yourself, but stay away from, I like to have a good time, I'm a party girl, you know, I just want to have fun. Like, obviously those things are true for you, but you can make that clear in the larger description. So that's the nuts and bolts part. From a kind of interactive part, here's the thing. There's a very wide net being cast by everyone now on these dating apps. There's so many options. And a lot of people, and I'm sure you've experienced this, Nicole, sort of run away. They're dipping their toes in lots of different things and then they blow you off or they keep you stringing along for a

long time. If you are looking for love, then that guy who you've connected with online should be making specific plans to get together with you in person, or if you can't get together because of a shutdown or a pandemic or whatever else, then virtually. He should be making a concrete plan with you within a couple of weeks. If he's just texting you and schmoozing with you and backing and forthing and not really, hey, let's meet, then that's a sign for you right there that he's casting his net really wide. He's stringing lots of women along. And who needs that? Who wants to waste their time with that. So you really want to focus on the guys that are really showing up and making clear that they want to move forward and see what happens with you. The other thing

is that on your first date or your second date, or as soon as things seem a little chemistry, maybe you give each other a kiss or you're kind of flirting with each other virtually or whatever, you just put it on the table and you say, listen, I just want to make clear to you, I find you really attractive. I'm really enjoying getting to know you, but I don't have sex with anyone until I and the other person are both clear that neither one of us wanna date anyone else

for the foreseeable future. We wanna see what happens and neither one of us are gonna be having sex with anyone else for the foreseeable future. That doesn't mean we have to be ready for a committed relationship or walking down the aisle together, but you know, that's how I roll.

And you just make that clear. I guarantee you, you will weed out the majority of men who are only looking for a good time. And as soon as they send you a picture of themselves or make one of those sexual comments, that is someone who is just looking for sex. Cut that person off. Because a guy who really wants a relationship will treat you like someone he wants a relationship with, not just to have sex with. And that brings me to my final point with you, Nicole, is that I want you to really

focused on what you feel you deserve and the energy with which you're walking around in the world. So if you can, I want you to read my book, Quantum Love, which will teach you so much about the unconscious ways we are attracting in and being attracted to what we really don't want, but we're unconsciously attracting that in with our thoughts and feelings that we're unconsciously projecting out there, you know, because like will attract like. And so if you are only attracting men who are overtly sexual and not interested in more, my story is that there is a part of you, I'm not saying it's a conscious part of you, but probably a little girl part of you from way back when who feels unworthy of more, who feels like she's discardable, who feels like she's been used

or manipulated or mistreated, and that's what she deserves. And if you can start working with that part of you and doing some healing there, I guarantee you, you will attract in a different caliber of guy. So try those things out. Let me know how it goes and keep me posted. Let's go to an email question. Here is an email from Ben who says, Dr. Berman, my name is Ben. I recently started seeing a girl I'm crazy about. She's the sexiest woman I've ever met, having so much fun spending time with her. There's just one problem. She's 20 years younger than me, not to mention gorgeous. And my mom and some of my friends keep implying that she's after my money and nothing more. This is pretty hurtful. I don't even make that much money to begin with.

But I can't see why they don't see how real our connection is. Worst of all, it's making me doubt her and the way she feels about me, despite the fact that she's sworn up and down how much she cares about me. To make matters worse, she lost her job during the pandemic and she's having a really hard time. She's never asked for money, but I know she needs it. Yet if I give it to her, I don't know what that means about us and whether that's going to set up some sugar daddy situation, which is the last thing I want. What should I do? Would it be a red flag if I gave her money and she takes it? No, I wouldn't say it's a red flag, but like if you're 40 and she's 20, we got a problem. If you're 60 and she's 40, I'm less concerned, right? So if she's over 30,

35 and you're 20 years older, you know, that's not the end of the world in terms of my suspicions. Okay. And not only my suspicions of her, but my suspicions of the two of you making it. The other thing I want to make really clear, Ben, is the sexiest woman I've ever met and having so much fun with her, right, is you don't want to become sex blind. And I see so many men have this happened to them, especially if you've never been with someone who you're really super attracted to and who's really comfortable in her own body and with her sexuality and is really fun to be with sexually. You can get blinded by that. And I have seen so many guys get quickly into committed relationships with women like that. And then they find out that that's all they have in common.

So I want you to make sure that beyond the bedroom and beyond your sexual attraction to her, that you have a lot in common, that you enjoy doing the same things together, you enjoy conversation together, you have a lot in common beyond the bedroom. If that is the case, then, and you really want to pursue a committed relationship with her, and she is showing up and being committed and being monogamous and doing what she says she's going to do and being where she says she's going to be, then, you know, you certainly can help her out, just like you would help out anyone you're in a relationship with. I don't think you need to go into this being paranoid that she's a gold digger, especially since she hasn't asked you for money or expected

you to treat her to a lot of expensive things or whatever else, right? But before you offer her money, just make sure that you really have a lot in common and it's going to work in the long term to have a relationship with her. Here's another email from, oh, it's anonymous. Okay. They say, hi, Dr. Berman. I don't want to disclose my name because what I have to admit is terrible. I've been talking to my husband's best friend on Facebook, like a lot. At first, it was totally innocent. I was planning my husband's surprise birthday party.

But over the last several months, I've just been going crazy, trapped inside and feeling like my husband doesn't even see me as more than an annoying roommate. But his friend was always online, complimenting my pictures, sending me funny videos, trying to make me smile and feel good. And over time, you guessed it, it turned into a flirting thing, sexual conversations about the stuff I like in bed. He's never sent me actual nudes. I haven't sent him any either, but he has sent me porn. And then later asked me if I watched it and touched myself. I didn't, but I didn't tell him to F off either. I know I should stop chatting with him and tell my husband his friend is a creep. And the thing is, I'm not attracted to this man. I am in

love with my husband a hundred percent, but I'm just sort of addicted to how his friend makes me feel in this attention? What should I do? I think that's a great question. And it's one that so often people face. And you're very clear on this, that you're missing something. And this is why most of us cheat. You're missing something in your relationship. And very often it has nothing to do with sex. What it sounds like to me is that you are missing the attention, feeling sexy, feeling desired, feeling delightful. And with being together all the time and the stress of everything with the pandemic, you guys have gotten complacent and maybe your husband has gotten complacent and lazy in the relationship and taking each other for granted. And what I

would say to you is that if you want more romance and excitement in your relationship, stop this with the friend completely and reinvest in your relationship. How do you do that? the first way you do it is by making a proclamation. Now, you don't have to tell him about his friend, although you might want to because he probably will eventually find out. But another way to do it is just to say to him, I am noticing that I'm feeling really tempted and wanting to flirt with other men online. And I get really excited when they like my pictures and when they ask me questions. And I don't want to be with anyone else but you, but I am noticing through this that I am really missing that sexual energy. Now, here's the important part for you to

recognize is that this isn't just your husband. This is you too. So you go on to say, so what I'm realizing is that there are ways, you know, because you can only take your 100% for your stuff, right? It's not all about him. So you say, there are ways in which we just aren't connecting in that way anymore. And I've been feeling like you don't see me or that I'm just an annoying roommate. And I know I must have a role to play in that, right? This is a two-way street. It's not all you.

And so I am going to make a commitment to really invest in flirting with you and creating some excitement and, you know, making things more fun and playful and flirtatious between the two of us because I have no interest. I really don't want to go outside for that. I want to get that in my marriage. And I hope that you will join me there. That's the way you present it to him because then this isn't about you saying, you know, you suck and you're not, you treat me like a roommate. So I want to go flirt with other people because this is what I always say to people, if you want more romance in your relationship, what are you doing to be romantic? What initiative are you taking? If you want to be treated like you're desirable and delightful,

what are you doing to create that? You know, are you sitting around in sweats and your hair unbrushed? Or are you trying to make yourself look good and be a little sexy, not just for a picture on social media, but in your living room while you're watching a movie? You know, are you making any effort to be seductive, to be delightful. If you are, then yeah, we can blame your husband. But my guess is this is something that the two of you are participating in and you can let him know what your intention is and invite him to join you there. Now, the question of whether to tell him about his friend, that could muddy the waters. But, you know, I also am a big fan of honesty. So only you know how your husband is going to take that. You haven't done anything other than talk

about what you like in bed, which my guess is your husband isn't going to like, but you haven't taken it much further. And, you know, if it were me, I have to be 100% honest. I can't hide things very well. Like my husband likes to say I'm the world's worst bank robber. But if, you know, if you feel like you can withhold that, then go ahead. But I do think eventually you're going to want to tell your husband the truth because these withholds often even if they're long you know if they're done especially with his best friend you know it's going to come back up in one way or another I hope that helps and hey listen if you have a question about love sex relationships whatever is on your mind I'm always here for you you can always reach out to me on the language of love

and I would love to answer your questions, just go to speakpipe.com backslash languageoflove or go to languageoflovepod at gmail.com. You can email me there. And of course, if you go to my website, drlauraberman.com, you can find the links to do all of that, to ask me questions verbally, to email me questions, blogs, videos, all sorts of content to help you love

and be loved better because that's what I am here for. I will see you next time on the Language of Love. Thank you.