Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - When They Are “Checking All The Boxes” but You’re Still Not Sure

Episode Date: October 1, 2025

What happens when everything looks good on paper, yet your heart keeps whispering that something’s missing? You love your partner. Nothing’s really wrong. And still, you can’t shake the feeling that maybe you’re settling, or maybe you’re expecting too much. In this Language of Love session, I respond to an anonymous listener who’s been with their partner for several years. The relationship checks all the boxes, but a nagging sense of absence lingers. Is it a red flag, or just fear keeping them from leaning all the way in? In this session, we talk through: Why “something missing” can mean very different things, and how to tell which applies to you The hidden danger of making excuses for a partner’s shortcomings How unhealed wounds, depression, or anxiety can disguise themselves as relationship doubts Why the only way to experience real love is to risk heartbreak If you’ve ever second-guessed your relationship and wondered whether it was intuition or insecurity talking, this conversation will speak directly to your heart. And if this resonates with your own story, I’d love to hear from you. Email me at [e-mail], your experience could help others feel less alone.Want more tools for navigating love and intimacy? Visit my website and check out my latest book, Sex Magic, for a deeper dive into building authentic, lasting connection. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions, where I get to tackle your questions, concerns,

struggles in life, love, dating, grief, repair, infidelity, whatever it is, I am here for you. Anything about life, love, sex, dating, mating, ovulating, no question off limits here. So you know that if you ever want to ask a question, you go to languageoflovepod at gmail.com and you can ask me any questions you want. Here's an anonymous one that says, Dr. Berman, I've been in a relationship for several years. And while nothing is quote unquote wrong, I constantly feel like something is missing. How do I know if I'm just expecting too much or if I'm settling for less than I deserve? I hear this from people often. Usually it's one of two things. Either there is literally something missing and usually you're pretty clear on that or on what that thing is,

or you are just someone who doesn't really trust yourself or love for many different reasons we can get into. So let's just talk about the tangibles, right? So something is missing is really abstract. If you are not really attracted to this person, you know, they check quote unquote all your boxes, but you don't really feel that chemistry with them, that could be kind of a reason. If there are qualities about them that kind of feel like deal breakers, but you're second guessing yourself, like maybe, you know, they don't really hold down a job, but they have potential. So you're making excuses for them. Or maybe they're really moody and shut down a lot, but they had a hard childhood.

So you're making excuses for them. So if there are things missing in the relationship that are pretty significant around how they regulate themselves, how they communicate, how they hold their own in the relationship, how they show up for you and for the relationship, if there are things missing there and you are quote unquote making excuses for them, oh, well, it's just because that's fine. And obviously we need to give our partners grace, but that's not carte blanche for them not to do anything about it. If there are major issues in your relationship that you're just kind of making excuses for and therefore putting into the category of something is missing, what's missing is them taking

accountability and getting the support they need to heal or to shift or to step up differently. And maybe that's couple support. Very often it's individual support. So that may be what's going on. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship well if you want to take your love life your sex life to the next level whether you're in a relationship or not check out my free course on quantum sex it's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner

Just go to Dr. Laura Berman dot com and you'll find it right there on the home page. The quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think. If it's just this feeling of life isn't really what I envisioned with this person, then I would do some real soul searching, especially if you can't really put your finger on anything specific that about your partner or about the relationship that isn't working for you. In that case, it's usually something internally within you, either a mood issue where you're

struggling with low grade depression or high grade depression or kind of sort of unweave kind of a lack of general well-being, which a lot of people are feeling in the world right now. Maybe you're feeling some anxiety and you're projecting it onto the relationship. Or maybe you are someone who has a hard time trusting love for any number of reasons that usually have to do with your earlier life. You learned that love can't be trusted. So you hold a piece back and you're waiting for the other shoe to drop or you convince yourself that, quote unquote, something is missing so you can keep one foot out the door and not imagine yourself not really getting as hurt if the relationship implodes. Now, that is rarely the case. We always get hurt. Even when we hold

a piece back from love, we think we're protecting ourselves. But what we're really doing is holding ourselves back from the love that we really can create and the love we deserve, which is to me equally harmful, right? One, you're in an anticipatory way causing yourself harm. And the other, you are harmed by the heartbreak of the loss. So what I always say is the only way you can be guaranteed to have good love in your life is if you're willing to get your heart broken, period, because the heart is involved in love. And I can guarantee you, you're going to get your heart broken if you're loving in this life. Sometimes, somehow, you're going to get your heartbroken. And knowing that that's going to be the case and that you can survive it and you can

get through it and you can even thrive through it is really, really crucial for finding and sustaining healthy love. So I would do some real soul searching if you kind of fall into that category and maybe even get some support. And if you can, perhaps with support, really leap into this. If there's nothing major missing and this partner really is technically a good match for you and you're just like, not really fully in it, go into it. Jump in with both feet. Give it a chance. You can't really give a relationship a chance unless you really jump into it with both feet and open heart. And then see after a few months of that, if something is missing, let me know what happens. Okay. And you can always weigh in here. Always ask your questions at

languageoflovepod at gmail.com. I went to the doctor, said I'm crazy for your love I wrote me a prescription, but there's no cure for crying.