Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - When You Fear Success: Getting Out Of Your Own Way

Episode Date: July 13, 2022

It’s time for another one of our ‘sessions’ on “The Language of Love”! On today’s episode of “The Language of Love,” I am doing a session with a caller named Martha. Martha shares with me a story that I think will sound very familiar to many of you: Whenever she sets a goal, she has lots of energy and motivation at first, but then she quickly finds herself getting ‘stuck’ and not having anymore forward momentum. I talk to Martha about how she can un-stuck and achieve her goals, particularly from an energetic standpoint. How can you align your energy so that you are attracting the success and abundance you desire? And why is it that we find ourselves winding up in dead-end situations where we can’t accomplish our dreams no matter how much we try? In speaking with Martha, I also find that she tends to choose men who don’t support her dreams and actively desire her success. I believe this is one of her primary wounds: Not that she has a fear of failure, but a fear of success! Does this sound familiar? Tune in and listen to my advice for Martha and join us as I do a grounding exercise that helps her to unlock the secret pain that is keeping her stuck in these dead-end relationships and unable to get her business up and flourishing. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. All right, Martha. So tell me what's going on and how I can help.

Sometimes I just feel stuck. Like I set goals, I start them, and I get to a certain point. And I guess I was saying not able to execute. Okay. Yeah. And I don't know how to get out that mode, that cycle. Yeah. Is this in all areas of your life or is it specifically around work or around relationships? How does it show up? Work. I started a business last year. I actually, I'm proud of myself. The only thing I just need my equipment to get started. So, but anything else I haven't done it. So I will say work relationship. I haven't been in a relationship in six years. I got divorced. So I took some of your advice, you know, give yourself a couple of years time to heal and recalibrate. And I did, but I'm out six years now. So I'm like, oh, that's too long.

Well, so when I do say that it's important to take some time, but only if you're actually, you need a little bit of time, just like sticking your head in the sand and recovering, but it's also important to take some of that time to do real healing, not only from what went wrong in the relationship, but those older things, you know, older wounds that may be played out in the relationship. You know, did you do any of that kind of healing work during these six years? I did. I did. Went through therapy for about a year and a half, and I did some other things to get myself in a good place. So it feels to me, and this is just literally a feeling, and I go a lot by my feelings when I'm helping people because they're usually

tuned in if I set that intention. So I'm just going to share with you what I'm feeling. And I think you probably will agree that whatever it is that's standing in the way of you kind of finishing projects that are coming to the finish line with projects or in work is whatever's standing in the way there is also standing in the way of you taking that next step in your dating life. What is this thing that's bothering you that you're not finishing? I don't know. Sometimes I think I get fearful. You know, you step out in a certain way and then clam up. Is it going to work? So it's the fear of failure. And what would happen if it didn't work? Nothing. I guess I would have to just start all over again, recalibrate, you know, rethink things or something, because I've even thought about it.

I said, well, you you felt that some other things, you know, what what's the difference in that? And that is just I don't know. I think at this season in my life, I want to make sure that I don't fail. Why? I don't know. Maybe that's too much pressure on myself. Well, it's not only is it too much pressure, you're going to be disappointed because that's an unrealistic goal. I can guarantee you you're going to fail at something because I hope you're going to live a very long time. And so we got lots of time for you to fail. And every single one of us, I mean, I think the only way that any of us can succeed at anything in life is if we're willing to fail because otherwise we do what you're doing. We stay frozen, right? If you're not

willing to fail, you're never going to take the leap. And it all comes down to being willing to fail. Even Oprah talks about that all the time. I can't think of her exact phrasing, but she's always saying that the best thing you can do is be willing to fail. That's where that saying no risk, no reward comes, right? I'm not saying that you take huge risks that are going to at this point in your life, screw your life over, right? But putting things out there that just may be a failure or may make you have to start recalibrate, as you say, is required if you're going to be successful. Okay. So I'm just getting, what would you say your relationship is with spirit these days? Spirit, God, whatever you want to call it. I used to be real in tune and connected

just lately. I would say the last couple of months, honestly, just nonexistent. I'll pray here, there, and not like I used to. What happened? What changed? I don't know. But what's your feeling about spirit right now as we sit here? What do you call that entity? God, Jesus? What have you always called it? God or Jesus. Okay. So what is your current opinion of your relationship and of God, Jesus in general? Well, I know that I should be doing better and spending more time praying, meditating. I don't know.

I can't describe it. Are you mad? Are you guilty? Are you angry? Are you shut down? How would you describe it? I guess shut down. Yeah.

And did anything happen recently? Because what I'm feeling in you is a real absent, and this is related to taking the risks, right? is a real absence of faith that even just that which is right is unfolding that you can faith that you, you really can't make a mistake because even your failures are ultimately leading you where you're supposed to go. That's basically what faith is in this context of taking those risks. Faith is I am held. I'm supported. I don't know what's happening. And even if I fail, that will suck. And I may be embarrassed and I may be inconvenienced, but I know it just wasn't

meant to be. And it's all in service to what is going to be next. And the destination is in the GPS. I may make detours, right? But I'm always going to end up on the right course to get to my destination, right? So there's something missing for you. And there's no should in what I'm saying. I hear in what you were saying that you feel like in some level, God or Jesus is waiting for you to start praying again and disappointed in you or that you're somehow doing something wrong. I'm not saying that. But what I am saying is that I definitely sense in you a lack of feeling held. And I also think that that's been missing fundamentally in your spiritual practice for maybe all of your life, but certainly for the past couple of decades

so that your relationship with God is what you should be doing for God, right? But your relationship with God is a two-way relationship. Yes. You know that, right? Yes. That support is there. You're being supported right now, whether you feel it or have the faith or not. But that two-way relationship where you are fully worthy of all the miracles and all the

support in the world simply because you are here right now and that sperm got together with that egg and grew for nine months and created the miracle that you are in the world. Right. Just by virtue of the fact that you exist, it has nothing to do with you even praying or meditating or accomplishing anything or doing anything or not doing anything simply because you are exist, you have infinite love and support available to you. I agree. So how much have you throughout your spiritual practice cultivated that relationship, that two way relationship, not just let me praise you, let me love you, let me pray to you. But listen, God, I need some help

here. Listen, I'm about to take this leap. Hold me if it's in service for the highest good. Support it. Help see it through to the perfect place or the perfect person's hands or help call in the perfect customer for this service that I want to give or this thing I want to do for the world. How much of that have you done? Recently, not a lot. Yeah. Especially after I had someone that was helping me with the business entity. I did everything, the structure, everything. I even did some things that, you know, after I got to a certain point,

I got certified in some areas. And he was like, you did what? And he just kind of went away. And I was like, I thought I did a good thing. Was that something he was certified in? He's not certified at all. New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine

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Discover Coffee Plus on Nespresso.com. So this is interesting. You keep attracting men and partners in work and in life that don't want you to grow. And that's my brother. Okay. That was my brother. But now we're getting to the wound. I was wondering what it was.

Yeah, that was hurtful. Yeah. So you've had your brother, then your ex, and now this partner, and even a date the other day, all with men who not only have no interest in supporting your dreams and hearing you on as you fly, but abandon you when you do. So why would you fly? I don't know. Why would you put that thing out if every experience you've had is that people abandon you when you do that? This may not be a fear of failure as much of a fear of success. So how do I fix that?

Will you just do an exercise with me? Yes. Okay. So just close your eyes and we're going to take a few grounding breaths. So just take a deep breath in. We're just going to bring you into your body and I'm going to ask you a few questions. Okay. So just take a few deep breaths.

And as you breathe in, imagine a beautiful light shining in through the top of your head. And as you continue to breathe in, it flows through every part of your body. And then as you breathe out, it shoots out your tailbone deep, deep, deep into the earth, grounding you there. So just take a couple of breaths like that. Okay, so I want you just to think back to maybe a scenario with your brother where he abandoned you, got angry at you, was emotionally abusive to you or abusive otherwise when you succeeded, when you thrived,

when you achieved? Can you think of a scenario? You don't even have to describe it. Yes. Okay. So if you're willing to just close your eyes, stay with yourself now. We're not going to go all the way into it, right? But I want you to go back to that scene in your mind. you don't even have to be in the scene. In this case, you can be for now watching the scene. Okay. But I want you to just really tune into that scenario. You have it in your mind? Yes. Okay. Now I want you to tell me what you feel in your body, where you feel that and what it feels like. Nervous and hurt. What are you feeling sensation wise, tightness, achiness, density pain any particular place in your body tune into the center of your chest and above your

belly button and tell me what you feel start right here just tight tight real tight right yeah it kind of feels almost like you could choke you know it's sort of like um it's like a punch right not the pain of a punch but the way your body would respond to a punch yeah so you're feeling that right now okay you're not going to feel this way for long i promise i know this is uncomfortable but if you're willing to stay with me just put all of your conscious awareness all this sensation is if this is not your brother hurting you this is the one in you who is hurt okay so just be with her that's all this is and put your attention on that spot, on that tightness. I could do a big belt right now

because I'm feeling you too. I'm feeling it with you, but just put all of your conscious awareness on that tightness and that like pressure on the diaphragm. Now I'm going to ask you a question. Just be with it. Put all your attention there. Let it just be what it's going to be. Okay. And just open your heart and mind and ears to this question. What is the earliest memory you have of feeling these bodily sensations, this intensity? It goes from almost from front to back. It's really intense. What's the first memory you have from earlier in life that you remember feeling this way? I would say late teens, early twenties. I'm feeling it even earlier. I'm feeling it as early as like 12, 13, but that doesn't mean just tune into that for a second.

I could be totally wrong and or the most relevant piece of this is feeling it around 2021. I'm assuming when your parents died, right? When your mom died, probably felt this way, this same sensation. But can you think of a time when you were 12, 13? Just ask yourself, ask that 12 or 13 year old that's hanging out in you. Is there a time that we felt this way, these sensations? And just see if anything, any image pops into your mind. Yes, there is an image. What's the image? My father drinking.

Right. Unsafe. Men, my guess is he would get, would he get emotionally abusive and or physically abusive or just emotionally abusive when he drank? Just emotionally abusive. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

And my guess is, because I'm seeing a scene right now. Oh, this makes total. Oh my God. Sorry. but this is just like, I just got truth chills because I just saw the whole picture. Okay. You ready? Yeah. So when you were 12 or 13, that was when you were coming into your womanhood. You were going through adolescence and you were blossoming and you were about to start entering the world of relationships and dating, even if you weren't practically entering it

emotionally and intellectually, you were entering it just like every girl. and you are also doing well in school and other things. But all of that was happening at once. And so it was supposed to be a time of thriving and of really stepping into your own feminine power. Yeah. New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine

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Let your morning change you. Discover Coffee Plus on Nespresso.com. Okay. And in that scene, my guess is, you can tell me if I'm right, your father in his drunken, unconscious, emotionally abusive, lashing out, which is what he would do when he got drunk, said horrible, hurtful things to you. You were

walking by or in the room, shining your light, just being you. And he made you feel shame about it. Yeah. Is that the scene that you were seeing? Yeah. Okay. Can you tell me a little bit about just briefly what was happening? It was like a everyday thing. When he drinks, he just busts, just, you know, all the time. Right. And not anything in particular. Nothing was right. Nothing was perfect. Yeah. So here's the thing. My guess is when you're about to press send or whatever that thing is on birthing that new thing that you're really excited to birth into the world. If you tune into your body when you freeze and don't do it, you are going to feel exactly what you've been feeling when you thought about your brother and when you went back to that time when

you were 12 or 13 and when that guy ghosted you. Okay. It's all the same thing. It's the one in you who's still there, that sweet little, I'm seeing 12 or 13. She may also be even younger than that. But what I immediately saw, and I love how these things just come through me that are like the perfect thing that are to me that come, that are the perfect thing for your situation, right? It could have been many other earlier times in your life that this sort of thing happened to you and you were immediately squelched with shame and humiliation and criticism as soon as you were in ease and flow and shining, right? Right. Because of their own addiction, couldn't be with that and would energetically or verbally slap you down, right? Thing that happened when you were 12

or 13, that period in your life when you should have been supported and celebrated and stepping into your divine feminine power, like every little girl should be. And like, unfortunately, most little girls, you were not supported. In fact, you were squelched. And so there is that little tween girl who's just on the cusp of it. She is a big part of what is holding you back from fulfilling your dreams and holding you back from calling in, being attracted to and attracting in a man who is going to inspire you to fly and support you in flying and do a happy dance when you fly. And it's so excited for you and so proud of you, right? But you can't call that in or be attracted to someone even like that yet until you become friends with this part of

yourself and do some healing. Okay. So what I'm going to suggest you do, and this is really cool because I can see the issue so clearly, and I think you understand what I'm saying. I can see it clearly too. No? Yes. Okay. So what I want you to do is look for someone who does somatic experiencing and work with someone because those people do inner child work. Oh, or the other thing that would be really good for you is someone who does imago therapy, I-M-A-G-O, imago therapy, that would be really good for you too. But both of these forms and somatic experiencing, you can find someone through traumahealing.org or the Hakomi Institute, but all of this will help you really get in touch with and heal and become friends with and integrate those

younger parts of you that are still kind of stuck in that story that I'm not allowed to shine, that if I'm too successful, I'll be rejected and I'll be alone. And there are no men out there that want me to shine. And I want a man. Those parts of you, we want to heal. And those are younger parts of you that adopted that lesson and made those agreements, right? And then the other part of this, which I do think is related to everything, is really connecting to God as your greatest, greatest cheerleader and shining. And you know this, right? Because you are an aspect of God. You are God in human form, just like I am, just like we all are. We're all these miraculous threads of light. So when you are in your genius and you are flying and thriving,

God is thrilled, right? Like that's the best thing that can happen. So he is not going to be disappointed when you thrive and fly, right? There you can turn, right? For that relationship of support and cheering you on and buffering you in this journey, right? But also in the things you want to achieve. So I really want to encourage you, not because there's a should attached to it or that you have to, or that God's going to somehow be disappointed in you if you don't, not because of any of those reasons, because none of those are true, but because you want to really get your body used to feeling how much support is there and get it used to, get you used to calling in that support all day, every day, as much as you

want it or need it. Okay. Does that make sense? It makes a lot of sense. it really does those are some of the things that i thought about and i was like well and you know you saying it is like confirmation good i'm so glad and i think you have a path now so will you call us up back in a month or two let us know how you're doing i will okay we are cheering you on and so is god you are going to be covered you just need to do a new layer of the

healing, a new layer of the onion to explore. Okay. Okay. All right. Much love to you. Bye. Thank you. Okay. And it was good meeting you. There is no cure for a crush All I wanna do, I wanna do is take you home with me I wanna make a move, I wanna make a move