Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - When You Want to Want Sex… But Don’t

Episode Date: March 18, 2026

What if mentally you want sex, you love your partner, you are attracted to them, but your body just will not respond? Arousal takes forever or does not happen at all. And the more pressure you feel, the harder it becomes. In this Language of Love Session, I respond to Sabrina, who is sitting with a question so many women carry in silence. She loves her partner. She wants sex. But her body is not responding. She misses feeling turned on. She misses that spark. Now sex feels confusing instead of natural. She asks what most women are afraid to say out loud. How do you reconnect with sex and pleasure when your body is not cooperating, without turning intimacy into pressure or performance? The truth is, this is more common than you think. And it is not about trying harder. It is about understanding your hormones, strengthening your pelvic floor, deepening emotional safety, and removing the pressure that shuts desire down in the first place. We dive into:  The hormonal shifts that can start as early as your mid-30s How testosterone, not just estrogen, plays a critical role in desire Why childbirth, perimenopause, and aging change your response How pelvic floor strength, including Kegels, affects arousal and orgasm How hormonal birth control and SSRIs like Zoloft and Prozac can sabotage desire How stress, anxiety, overwhelm, and body image issues shut down desire Why emotional connection is foundational to long-term sexual attraction How to tell if it is a relationship issue or a general stress response Why added stimulation, lubrication, and sexual aids are not cheating, they are smart What changes after 40 and how to work with your body instead of against it How vibrant, connected sex is possible your whole life Remember, you are not meant to navigate your relationship or your sexuality alone. If you would like to be featured on the show or have a question you want me to answer, email me at [e-mail]. I would love to hear from you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, and for more than 30 years, I've worked with individuals and couples to help them build deeper, healthier relationships with one another and with themselves. Welcome to Language of Love Sessions. This is where I work one-on-one with you, my listeners, in real time. These sessions are intimate, personal, and grounded in what's actually happening in your life and relationships. Let's get started and get fluent in the language of love. Welcome to Language of Love Sessions, where I get to answer your questions, whatever's

on your mind. You can actually come on the show and talk to me one-on-one or even with your partner. You can also email me questions, languageoflovepod at gmail.com is where you go to do that. And I get so many messages also on my DMs, on social media, at Dr. Laura Berman or Language of Love pod. Here's an email from Sabrina. She says, hey, Dr. Berman, mentally, I want sex. I love my partner.

I'm attracted to them. I miss feeling sexual, but my body does not respond the way it used to. Arousal takes forever or doesn't happen. And when I feel pressure, it becomes even harder. I am worried that something is wrong with me. How do you connect with desire and pleasure when your body feels offline without turning sex into a stressful performance? Sabrina, this is such a good question and it's one that so many women struggle with for so many reasons. But what I hear underneath what you're saying is that there was a time where your response was good and arousal

happened and orgasms were strong. And now for whatever reason, and we'll get into why that could be happening, you are not having the same response. So let's talk about what changes in a woman's response or what can cause those changes. It can be relationship issues, personal, emotional stuff, and or medical stuff, physical stuff. Okay. So from the physical side, which to me is the side least talked about, we're talking about hormones and pelvic floor muscles, right? So even if you're on the younger side, childbirth, especially multiple childbirths, can do a number on your hormones, on your pelvic floor, those muscles that hold up all your reproductive organs, but also play a huge role in arousal and intensity of orgasm, okay? And ability to get there. Hormones, not only

estrogen, but also testosterone is a hormone of desire and also plays a role in nipple and genital sensation. So you have the hormones that can play a role in desire and response and ability to get aroused quickly. You have the pelvic floor muscles that play a role in arousal and response as well. Then on the emotional side. So let me just say that it's childbirth. It can be by the time you reach your mid to late 30s, you may be finding that your desire is lower. That's because our testosterone is slowly declining throughout a woman's lifespan. So a woman in her 60s has half the testosterone that a woman in her 20s has. But by the time you reach your mid to late 30s, very often the testosterone is getting low enough that your response and your interest in sex has

started to decline. So it's really important to pay attention to that and to recognize, especially if you're on hormonal contraceptives and or taking any SSRIs like Zoloft or Prozac antidepressants, those can make the symptoms worse. So you want to go to your doctor and make sure that you are hormonally okay and that there are no medications you're taking that may be playing a role here. And then on the emotional side, you have stress, which actually also has a negative hormonal effect, but stress will make it really hard to be interested, overwhelm, exhaustion, body image issues, depression, anxiety, and the whole world is feeling depression and anxiety right now. So I feel like that's coming up a lot for people. And then in the relationship,

a big part of a woman's desire in a long-term relationship has everything to do with her sense of emotional connection to the person she's going to be having sex with. So if you aren't feeling that emotional closeness and connection, and especially if you don't have the hormonal infrastructure for horniness, you are not necessarily going to be interested in sex in general or with that person. So it's really important. Now, if you're having, this is one of the clues, if you're having sexual desire for other people, even if you wouldn't act on it, but you're having fantasies, you're getting a little buzz off thinking about someone else, even just in the fantasy realm, and that generates some desire, then it's very possible that this is

more of a relationship issue, not a general exhaustion, overwhelm, stress issue. But more often than not, I find if a woman who's otherwise healthy makes sure she has her hormonal balance, she is not on any medications that inhibit desire, and she is in connection with her partner and attending and seeding that connection, both of them are, then there's no reason to think that you can't have a vibrant and connected sex life forever. Now, a woman over 40 often will need added stimulation in order to get to orgasm just because of the changes in our sensation and arousal and orgasm intensity. So I feel like it's really important to embrace sexual aids and devices. That means lubricants for the dryness piece that may be coming up. I'm a huge fan of

organic coconut oil. If you aren't allergic to coconuts, the same stuff you cook with is great as a lubricant. So lubrication and also make sure that you have maybe a sexual aid or device, a small little vibrator that you can use together that can fit in between you and provide clitoral stimulation during sex that will help you get over the hump, so to speak. So it's not at all uncommon for a woman who is certainly in her 40s or beyond to need that added stimulation and a lot more foreplay. So I hope this gives you some guidance. Hormones, pelvic floor strengthening is another one. And that means doing those key goals, making sure you're attending to any medications that are inhibiting arousal or desire, attending to your connection in your relationship

and your own stress levels, and adding in extra lubrication and genital sensation. All of that will help see you through your perimenopausal and menopausal years with flying colors and give you the right that you deserve to an amazing sex life. It's good for your body. It's good for your heart. It's good for your mind. It's good for your relationship. It's good for you. Everybody deserves a beautiful, active, fulfilling sex life for as long as you live. Certainly as the edict is, as long as you can walk up two flights of stairs without chest pains or shortness of breath, You can have sex until the day you die. So there you go.

I hope that gives you some guidance. Keep us posted on how you're doing. Thank you.