Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - When You’re Lonely in a “Good” Relationship

Episode Date: February 4, 2026

What happens when your partner is kind, loyal, and on paper seems like everything you should want, yet deep down, you feel unseen? In this Language of Love session, I connect with Elena, a listener who reached out because she feels exhausted in her relationship. She is the one holding everything together, remembering birthdays, checking in emotionally, making plans, and keeping the balance steady. She does not want to villainize her partner, but she is tired of feeling loved for what she does instead of who she is. In this session, I help Elena unpack why this dynamic is so common in long-term relationships and how it often is not about a lack of love, but a disconnect in how love is expressed and received. We explore how love languages shape our expectations, why resentment can quietly build over time, and how to ask for emotional support without turning the conversation into an argument about chores or who does more. In this session, I dive into: Why feeling unseen can slowly erode intimacy Why this dynamic often emerges over time, especially after major life changes like having children. How love languages influence what makes us feel cherished Why loving your partner the way you want to be loved can miss the mark How to clearly articulate your needs and desires Practical ways to ask for support, romance, and appreciation in ways that actually land When it might be time to consider short-term couples therapy to reset your relationship's trajectory positively. If Elena’s story resonates, if you feel like the emotional anchor in your relationship or long to feel more deeply known, I want to hear from you. Your story could help someone else feel less alone. You can email me at [e-mail] to share your question for a future episode. For additional support, I encourage you to explore other helpful resources, including The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, which offers insight into how we give and receive love differently. You can also visit my website, where you will find expert-approved resources and my free Quantum Sex course designed to help you deepen connection with your body, your partner, and your pleasure. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome to Language of Love Sessions, where I get to answer your calls, questions,

whatever's on your mind. I love hearing from you. And so many of you email in at languageoflovepod at gmail you dm me messages on instagram and i love answering your questions on the air not only because i hopefully i'm helping you but i guarantee you i know from experience that when you ask your question there are millions of other people who have the same question so we're helping all of them you by asking your question are helping others who have a similar one and elena wrote and she has a question that I think I hear certainly from a lot of women. She says, Dr. Berman, my partner is kind, loyal, and on paper, I should be happy, but I feel unseen. Like I'm loved for what I do, not who I am. I'm always the one remembering birthdays, checking in, making

plans, keeping the emotional tone stable. I don't want to villainize him, but I'm tired. How do you communicate, I need to be known and cherished without it turning into an argument about chores and who's doing more. You know, Elena, it feels to me, my guess is, and this is what I see in relationships all the time, is that in the beginning of your relationship, this is probably who your partner has always been, okay? Loyal and not necessarily the one that is taking the initiative or doing the thoughtful gestures of remembering birthdays and, you know, things like that. And what starts to happen over time, especially once you have kids, there's more things to juggle. There's more things to think about. There's more things to be thoughtful about.

That starts to become an issue that you didn't even really realize would be an issue in the beginning of the relationship. But I mentioned that because it's important to say that unless your partner has changed over the course of the relationship, and then that can be due to relationship dynamics or something emotionally going on in their own lives, I get the sense from your question that this is just who he's always been. And that's really important because you're not going to necessarily change someone's basic character or personality. That said, if they want two, they can train themselves to be more conscious about, and this is what it comes down to, loving you in a language that really lands. Because the truth is, all of us tend to love

our partners the way we like to be loved. This is where you get into love languages, right? So Gary Chapman wrote a book called Love Languages. There's quizzes out there, which is your love language, but basically there are five love languages. Let me see if I can remember them. There's touch, physical affection, quality time, gifts, words of affirmation. And I always forget the fifth one, but you know, for you, it sounds like quality time, maybe certainly appreciation and maybe words of affirmation are important to you. We usually have like one main one and a secondary one. It's worth checking that out and figuring out which each of you have as your primary and secondary languages of love. And then you can start getting really conscious about

loving each other in a way that lands because it's very possible that if I were to interview him, he would say something different but similar that he's not really feeling loved. Like, for instance, It's my husband who I adore. In the beginning of our relationship, he's a words of affirmation person. I'm not. So it does not come naturally to me at all. I might think an appreciative thought, but it doesn't wouldn't even occur to me that all the time once in a while, but not all the time or as often as he would have liked to articulate it out loud. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman.

I've been a sex, love and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is, how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level, capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams. and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the Quantum Sex free course. Check it out and let me know what you think.

So I started putting reminders in my phone that would go off and I would look at my phone, it would say appreciation. And then I would think, okay, like what's something that my husband has done recently or maybe right now I'm looking at him and that shirt looks great on him, right? Or maybe a few hours ago, he gave the kids a bath. Whatever it was, I would in that moment, reach out to him in text or in person or whatever and say, hey, I just want to tell you how much I appreciate blah, blah, blah, right?

So you could train yourself, but the two of you have to understand what your language of love is. And the other thing that I find, and this is one of the most common complaints that I get from men in long-term relationships is, you know, my partner is telling me she wants these things. She wants me to help more. She wants me to be more romantic. You know, I feel like I'm already doing that. So one of the things that can be really helpful, especially if a lot of this is around, you know, what you're doing and you want more support, write down all the chores, tasks, tools, things that you're responsible for doing and taking care of, right? And maybe all of the

ones that your partner takes care of, assuming they take care of some, right? And then go through the list and say, okay, which of these would I really like some support around? And sit down with them and say, hey, here's the list of everything I do on a daily or weekly or monthly basis. Here are the ones that I've highlighted or marked that I would really like some help with. Either you help me with them or maybe we can talk about hiring some part time help, a student, you know, who needs a little extra cash, whatever. Maybe we'll start getting the kids involved more. But how can we work together so that this feels because this is feeling really overwhelming. And I am asking, you know, I would really like some more support.

You're not complaining. You're not saying I do so much and nobody helps. You are just saying this is what I want. that is the key. Saying how you feel, I'm overwhelmed, you know, what the issue is, how you feel and what you want. That is the thing that I find is a really common complaint from guys like, is she saying she wants, but I don't understand what that means. What does she really want? They want to be your knight in shining armor. You have to just articulate what that looks like in action. So if you want more romance, just saying be more romantic, he'll be like, well,

I bring you flowers once a week. And to you, that's not romantic. To you, what's romantic is maybe him planning a date, right? Or maybe him spontaneously dancing you around the living room. I don't know. But you have to articulate, maybe even give him a list. Hey, these are 10 things that to me feel really romantic. If you did any or all of these on a regular basis, I would be thrilled, right? You're giving them a roadmap. They like that. So try that. And if that doesn't work, I would say, you know, because it feels like a lot of this is around communication, I would encourage you to get a little couples therapy because if you go for couples therapy before you can't stand each other and you're on the verge of divorce, it only takes like three

to five sessions to get things on track and it can change the whole trajectory of your relationship in a really positive way. So I hope that helps, Elena. Keep us posted on how you're doing. All right. And if you have a question, you can always reach out at languageoflovepod at gmail.com. Let me know what's on your mind and I'll see you next time on Language of Love Sessions. I'll see you next time.