Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - When You’re Not Fighting, But You’re Drifting Apart

Episode Date: January 21, 2026

Sometimes relationships don’t fall apart, they just grow quiet. You’re still together, still functioning, still sharing a life, but something feels off. The conversations are. The connection feels thinner. And even though nothing is “wrong,” you miss the closeness you used to feel. In this Language of Love Session, I answer a question from a listener who feels disconnected from her partner. They don’t fight, but they don’t really talk anymore either. Conversations feel polite and surface-level, and when she tries to go deeper, he shuts down or changes the subject. I talk about why this kind of emotional distance is so common, especially in long-term relationships, and why trying harder to have the big conversation can sometimes create more distance instead of closeness. I also share what I’ve learned, both professionally and from raising boys, about how many men experience closeness, conversation, and emotional safety differently than women do. In this session, I share: Why emotional distance can happen even when there’s no conflict How technology and distraction quietly interfere with connection Why face-to-face deep talks can feel overwhelming for some partners How side-by-side connection can open the door to better conversations The role play, lightness, and silliness can play in rebuilding closeness Why sex can sometimes lead to emotional intimacy, not the other way around How to rebuild connection before tackling the bigger relationship questions This session is a reminder that connection often returns when there’s less pressure and more room to just be together again. Don’t forget to visit my website and explore the resources there. They’re all designed to help you create deeper, more fulfilling love in your life. You can also take the free quiz, “What Do You Really Want in Love?” It’s a great way to get clear on what your heart’s truly looking for. And if you have a question or want to be part of a future Language of Love session, just email me at [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. So this is a language of love session where I get to answer your calls, questions, emails,

anything to do with love, relationships, sex, dating, mating, whatever's on your mind. And I got an email from Maya. She says, Dr. Berman, my partner and I don't really fight, but we don't really talk anymore. Our conversations are polite and surface level, like we're co-workers who share a house. We're not angry, just disconnected. I miss feeling emotionally close, but every time I try to go deeper, my partner gets quiet or changes the subject. How do you rebuild emotional intimacy when there isn't a big crisis, just this slow fade into romance energy? You know, Maya, that's such a good question. And there's so many reasons this could be happening. One of the most common reasons I see, especially in younger couples, is just technology. There's so many distractions. So

you're like together, but you're not really together. You're side by side on your devices, sitting next to each other, but not really engaging. However, one of the things that I find really relatively true across the board for men is when they're not doing something, they're actually doing something. So in this case, you say that your partner is actually not engaging. And in fact, making a significant effort, not significant, but an effort not to engage in that when you start to go deeper, he changes the subject or gets quiet. Okay. So what that tells me is that for some reason, and I'm assuming this wasn't always the case, but for some reason, your partner is not wanting to have these deeper conversations with you. And usually when that's

the case. Either your idea of a deeper conversation is what's wrong with our relationship. This is what's missing in our relationship. Why don't we do this anymore? You know, so it's basically you're trying to kind of get to the meat of the issue, but it feels like a minefield to him or a dangerous conversation or a conflict-ridden conversation, and he wants to avoid conflict. if you were trying to have a deeper conversation about philosophy or about the meaning of life or something like that, it may feel less threatening than if you're trying to have a conversation about the nature of your relationship or what's wrong with your relationship or what's missing in your relationship or what's wrong with him. He may not feel safe. The other reason I find that men and

everyone in particular, men though, avoid conversation is that you're not necessarily intending this, but they're experiencing you as critical, nagging, harping on them, complaining. And for you, you may just be pointing out something out of love that because you care and because you want to go deeper, you're calling it to consciousness. But for him, it's experienced as criticism or control. So if he's not someone who avoided any kind of deep conversation at all costs, then my guess is it's the nature of the conversation. And in fact, I'll share with you something that I learned raising boys that I definitely have applied to my relationship and I often advise women around. So a couple of things. One, boys, men,

they don't feel as comfortable, especially if they don't have a lot of experience with it, with face-to-face deep conversation. Like when they look at little boys and little girls and they leave them alone in a room, boys together, girls together, the girls will immediately turn their chairs toward each other, start talking, blah, blah, blah. The boys will sit next to each other on their chair side by side, right? This is why when I wanted my boys to have a real conversation with me, I would trap them in the car. So I would have those conversations when they're sitting next to me in the car, when we were sitting side by side doing Legos or building something, when we were fishing. And this is when most men talk, sitting next to each other,

watching sports, although they don't talk while the big plays are happening, but during the commercial breaks. So it's in there. We could get into the whole hunter-gatherer thing and what's in our DNA history, our evolutionary history, but the bottom line is it may be the content of the conversation. It may be that a face-to-face deep conversation feels overwhelming. So try to have a conversation with him when you're in the car or when you're get some sort of puzzle or interesting Lego set and build that and try to have a conversation while it's less threatening. It feels less intimidating. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years, and the main question I always get asked is, how the heck do we spice it up in a

long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level, capable of full-body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams, and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the Quantum Sex Free course. Check it out and let me know what you think. and the other thing that I learned with my boys that I often apply to my relationship is play if you are always trying to have the serious conversations or the big conversations

when was the last time you just started jumping on the bed or doing some sort of practical joke or going to a comedy club or dancing around the living room, right? There might be ways because you've been feeling so disconnected and kind of downtrodden about the relationship that he's feeling kind of inhibited and intimidated and like things feel heavy around the house.

And what I found is the men in my life, the boys in my life would open up very quickly if I got silly. Now, I wouldn't necessarily be trying to have a serious conversation, when I was getting silly, but it was a way to bond, to engage, to increase kind of the energy between us, to create positive connection between us. And that's really what you're looking for, is more positive connection. Now, there is another thing you can do that has nothing to

do with what you're talking about or the setting you set up for your conversations. But please keep in mind that for most heterosexual couples, we're talking about a man and a woman, which is what your situation is, men achieve a sense of closeness and connection, the kind that you're getting, most women get, through deeper conversations, cuddling, quality time. They often get through the physical act of sex. And the irony is women are in large part inspired to be sexual in a long-term relationship when they feel that emotional closeness. However, if you are craving more emotional closeness, I encourage you to have more sex. Because if you do that, what you will find is that he will just naturally feel drawn to you and more emotionally connected to you.

And then that will probably make him open up more, whether he intended to or not. So that is another variable that I would encourage you to bring into this dynamic. More play, more lightheartedness, more silliness, more sex, less pressure on the one-to-one, face-to-face conversation. Have that distraction or side-by-side element. And maybe think about the content of your conversation and lay off the big, deep conversations about the future of your relationship and what's wrong with it for a while. I'm not saying to brush it under the rug altogether, but leave it for a while until you get things back on track a little bit. And then not only may those issues not be an issue anymore, but if they are,

you'll have much more solid ground and much more coins in the connection bank in order to have those conversations. I hope that helps. You let us know how it goes, Maya. And you can reach out anytime if you have a question, you want some guidance, you can go to languageoflovepod at gmail.com and reach out anytime. And if there's a topic you want to hear about, you can let me know about that too. I'll see you next time on The Language of Love.