Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Why Being "Low-Maintenance" May Be Ruining Your Relationship with Laura Berman

Episode Date: July 16, 2026

Are you the "chill one"? The one who says yes to keep the peace? The one who goes along to get along... until you can't anymore? You pride yourself on being easygoing. Low-maintenance. The one who never makes a fuss. Until the resentment builds. Until your body is screaming inside. Until you finally explode over something small, and suddenly you're the bad guy. Sound familiar? You're not broken. You're not "too much." And you're definitely not alone. In this session, I answer Kayla's question about what happens when being the "pleasant one" backfires. She's stuck in the classic people-pleaser cycle: say yes to keep the peace, feel used, then blow up in passive-aggressive frustration. Sound like anyone you know? We unpack why so many of us- especially those who grew up in homes where love was conditional on being agreeable- learn to disconnect from ourselves just to stay connected to others. And why that strategy always backfires. In this episode, you’ll learn: The win-win mindset that saved my marriage (and can save yours too)- showing you how to stop resenting your partner and start actually getting your needs met The massive difference between being easygoing and being highly accommodating (and why one is a superpower and the other is a ticking time bomb) Why your body knows the truth before you do- and how to catch the early signals before you're emotionally flooded The "Full Body Yes" practice that completely changed my own life (and why saying no can actually feel like expansion, not contraction) How to set boundaries calmly and early- without the over-explaining, over-apologizing, or guilt that usually follows Why people who benefit from your lack of boundaries will push back... and why that means you're finally doing something right If you've ever felt like you're abandoning yourself just to keep everyone else comfortable- if you're tired of the resentment, the explosions, and the silent internal screaming- this episode will give you the language, the tools, and the permission to start setting boundaries without feeling like a monster. If this hits home, you can email me at [e-mail] or leave a voicemail at languageoflovepod.com to have your own question answered in a future session. And if you want to go even deeper, check out Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm Dr. Laura Berman, and for more than 30 years, I've worked with individuals and couples to help them build deeper, healthier relationships with one another and with themselves. Welcome to Language of Love Sessions. This is where I work one-on-one with you, my listeners, in real time. These sessions are intimate, personal, and grounded in what's actually happening in your life and relationships. tips. Let's get started and get fluent in the language of love. It's time for language of love sessions. I love these because I get to dive into your questions, your concerns, what's on your

mind. And I love it, not only because I get to help you directly and I'm addressing things that I know are important to you, but also because I know and you should know that when you ask your question. You're not just asking for yourself. I guarantee you there are millions of other people that are going to see, listen, hear this, who have the same question. So when you're asking your question, you're also helping others who have the same question. Believe me, none of these are so far questions I haven't heard a million times before. So I'm really excited to dive into this with you. I got an email question from Kayla who says, Dr. Berman, I'm the, quote, easygoing one until I'm not. I say yes to keep the peace. Then I end up feeling used and I explode.

I don't want to be passive aggressive, but setting boundaries make me feel selfish or mean. How do you learn to set boundaries early, calmly, and clearly when you've been conditioned to be the pleasant one, right? Or the people pleaser, I think you're talking about here, Kayla. Oh, this is such a common pattern, especially for those of us. I mean, I was this way too, until I went into recovery 15 years ago, I guess it was at this point, maybe longer for codependency. But it's really common in people who learned early that the only thing that made us lovable was, or the only way we experienced love, usually approval that we confused with love that made us, you know, we weren't safe emotionally or didn't get any love

unless we were easy, agreeable, helpful, low maintenance, emotionally convenient for everyone else. And a lot of quote unquote, easygoing people are not actually that easygoing. We are highly accommodating. That is a big difference. There's a big difference between being easygoing and being accommodating. Accommodation says, I'm going to disconnect from myself in order to maintain connection with you. Problem is that every time you say yes and your body means no, you are creating internal conflict, internal resentment. So at first it may look like patience, then it moves to irritation, then to emotional exhaustion, and eventually the explosion comes out sideways. So the passive aggression you're talking about is often what

happens when somebody does not feel safe expressing disappointment directly in real time. And boundaries are hard. They're hard for everyone, but especially for those of us who are conditioned to prioritize harmony over honesty, you know, and I think so many of us are, if you grew up with an addict, if you grew up with a narcissist, if you grew up with an abuser, if you grew up with someone who was also a codependent, if you experienced trauma in your history, or if you're just a woman in the world, most of us were conditioned to be people pleasers, you know, somewhere along the line, you learned, if I disappoint people, I risk rejection, conflict, guilt, or withdrawal. So the nervous system starts treating boundary settings like danger instead of self-respect,

which is what it is. So one of the biggest mindset shifts is understanding that when you set a boundary. It is not punishment. It is not cruelty. It's communication. A healthy boundary is not saying you're bad, you're selfish, you're wrong, you can't have needs. It simply says, you know what, this doesn't work for me, or this is, I'm at capacity, or this is what I can genuinely offer you without resentment. The goal is not to be hard or selfish. You can still be a very giving, kind person and still set boundaries. The goal is to stop abandoning yourself to keep other people comfortable. One reason people struggle to set boundaries early is because they wait until they're already emotionally flooded. And then the boundary comes out sharp or explosive, right?

And then that's when it feels bad. So you want to pay attention to the earlier signals. You may not even realize at first. If you do realize at first, oh boy, I don't really want to say yes to this, but I'm going to say yes to this because I want to be nice. That's really helpful. A lot of us don't even realize until further down the line in such an automatic mode of yes, I'm misaccommodation.

Everybody's going to love me. I'm going to do everything for everyone. I'm going to be the best. You know, it's just like the way we're conditioned. You want to pay attention to like those early signals, like a tightening in your chest, or you say yes, and then you immediately feel a sense of dread, or you notice just some resentment is building, some hesitation in your body. And I'm going to talk to you in a minute about the full body yes, which has been one of my

greatest, greatest tools in my own life. but all of those are boundary cues and important to pay attention to them. So you may want to practice smaller boundaries first that are lower stakes, right? So you don't have to be radically boundaried overnight. You can start with, okay, let me think about that. Or I actually can't do that tonight. Or I don't have the bandwidth for that right now. I'm so sorry. Or I really want to help, but I need to be honest about my capacity. Boundaries delivered calmly often feel uncomfortable at first because your nervous system is not used to surviving any kind of disappointment or conflict without over-explaining, over-apologizing, or people-pleasing, right?

Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years, And the main question I always get asked is, how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship? Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level, capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams. and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the Quantum Sex free course. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Here's the key, key, key, number one thing. I just want to scream from the rooftops to you. I say to myself all the time to anyone struggling with this, you don't need a reason to want what you want, period. You can want whatever you want and you don't need to have a million explanations or justifications for it. You are allowed to want what you want, period. And you are allowed to ask for what you want, period. And remember that people who benefited from your lack of boundaries, they may initially experience this kind of growth as inconvenience, or they may push back. That does not mean you're doing something wrong. The healthiest relationships actually become

safer when boundaries are clear because nobody has to guess where that resentment line is. there are no blow-ups or explosions everything is clear everyone knows where everyone stands and that's when you can start to find the win-win my husband and i get into this all the time because you know our whole motto we've been married for almost 25 years you know is finding the win-win we are so different in so many ways and until about 15 years ago i was severely codependent and was doing exactly what you're doing. Then when I went into recovery, which I did through therapy and also through really working, you can go to CODA meetings, Codependence Anonymous. A great book out there is called Codependent No More. That's a classic by Melody

Beatty. We'll put it in the show notes. I started to really focus, and this didn't happen, I would say, so for that was first for the first 10 years, but, and I'll talk about the full body. Yes. I keep promising that, but I'm getting to that. So what we started to do is instead of me getting resentment and saying yes to things that I didn't really want to say yes to, we started or him doing that or me expecting him to do that. We started finding the win-win. Okay. So he, for instance, He tends to be a lot less social than I am. He finds big crowds or lots of socializing, even with like a party of 30 people to be a lot of stimulation.

And so he'll go, but like he would always want to leave, you know, hours before I was ready to go. I'd be having a great time talking to someone, enjoying the party, enjoying the situation, and he'd be ready to go. And then I would say yes to accommodate him and resent him. or he would stay longer and be pissed off by the time I, you know, or pushing me to leave. So we just started taking two cars or I would just get a ride to or from with someone else. It was the win-win. It was fine for him to leave when he wanted to leave. I wasn't going to,

you know, take that personally or feel like I needed to explain to the hostess, you know, or it's his responsibility to do that or to not do that. and I could stay as long as I wanted. And both of us understood that. So once you start getting clear about your needs, you can start to find the win-win. Now, to the full body, yes. This is so, so valuable for codependence,

like you, like me, like many of us. We don't tend to listen to our bodies. We tend to bypass our bodies so that, and we learn to do that very early. And your body is not only your greatest source of wisdom, It's the source of your intuition and it's the source of your sensual power, but most of us aren't even attuned to that. So I want you to just kind of start exploring what yes and no feels like in your body, right?

So even if right now, wherever you are listening to this, you just say the word, yes, yes. like you're saying yes to something you are so excited to do. Yes. Just notice. Notice what that feels like, especially in your belly, your back, your chest, maybe in your head too, your neck, your throat. Yes. Say it out loud. Yes. just notice that now say no n-o no something you really don't want to do no whoop you'll notice like that's the sound effect I get but it's like a clenching a tightening in those areas nope

tightening and then say yes again and notice the expansion yes yes right so start playing with that and maybe even what do i want to eat for dinner chicken or fish or chicken or steak chicken does that feel like a yes or a no now i know what yes and no feels like in my body is chicken a yes or is steak more of a yes, right? You can start to ask yourself what you really want. Because by the way, Coda Benz don't always even know what they want. Knowing what you want and following your body's yes,

only saying yes to things your body says yes to and only saying no to things your body says no to can change your whole life. I know it has mine. But the truth is true kindness is not endless self-sacrifice. True kindness includes honesty and boundaries because when you stop pretending that you're okay

with things that hurt or deplete you, your relationships can become more authentic, more sustainable, and far less emotionally explosive. So I hope that gives you some direction. make sure to let us know how it goes because just know it's going to be scary at first to do any of this, but you're going to be fine. It just takes practice and support. And you give us a shout out if you have a question you want me to tackle on Language of Love sessions, you can email me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com or you can go to languageoflovepod.com and leave a voicemail as

well and we'll answer your question. And you can also on email or voicemail, let me know you want to come on live on the show and we'll try to work it out one-on-one together. I love doing that too. I'll see you next time on the Language of Love. I'm crazy for your love.