Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Why Some Breakups Hurt So Much More Than Others

Episode Date: December 24, 2025

Have you ever gone through a breakup so painful it made you question who you even are? The kind that leaves you replaying every moment, wondering what went wrong, and feeling like a stranger in your own skin? When love ends and your identity goes with it, how do you start again? In this Language of Love session, I answer a heartfelt question from Heather, who writes in after a devastating breakup that shattered her sense of self. She’s stuck in a loop of rumination and regret, trying to figure out how to stop looking back and begin moving forward. We talk about how some breakups don’t just end relationships; they awaken old pain that’s been waiting beneath the surface. I explain why trauma “loves an open door,” how grief and loss can resurface long after we think we’ve healed, and why true recovery starts with rediscovering who you are beyond anyone else. We dive into:  How old trauma gets triggered by new loss The difference between self-esteem and self-worth Why your sense of self must come from within, not from your partner The power of trauma-informed therapy in heartbreak recovery What the Runaway Bride movie can teach us about self-discovery How to figure out “what kind of eggs you like,” literally and metaphorically Why being centered in your worth changes who and what you attract How heartbreak can become the doorway to your most authentic self If you’ve ever lost yourself in love, this episode will remind you that healing isn’t about finding someone new; it’s about finding you. Don’t forget to visit my website and explore the resources there. They’re all designed to help you create deeper, more fulfilling love in your life. You can also take the free quiz, “What Do You Really Want in Love?” It’s a great way to get clear on what your heart’s truly looking for. And if you have a question or want to be part of a future Language of Love session, just email me at [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome to Language of Love Sessions, where I get to your questions, your concerns,

your struggles. If you want to come on and talk one-to-one, or you want to leave me an email, you can reach out at languageoflovepod at gmail.com, languageoflovepod at gmail.com. I love getting your questions. I love meeting you face-to-face, even if it's remotely on Zoom. And I love diving into what you want to hear about and learn about. So Heather reached out and she says, Dr. Berman, I went through a really painful breakup that shattered my sense of self. I want to heal and grow from it, but I'm stuck in a loop of rumination and regret. How do I stop looking back and start moving forward? Well, Heather, if this breakup shattered your sense of self, as you say, two things must

be the case. One, it must have been an extremely traumatic kind of breakup where you felt really gobsmacked and or it was a really painful, prolonged, angry, abusive, perhaps, kind of process, okay? And the other reason that I tend to see that people describe a breakup this way, and this is, I feel is true for you, Heather, I just feel this by your words, is that you have a history of trauma. So if you have a history of traumatic loss, abandonment, neglect, abuse, when you are neglected, abandoned, betrayed by a partner, not only are you dealing with that trauma, but trauma loves an open door. So when we experience a trauma, even if it's 20 years after the last trauma,

Even if we've done healing from that last trauma, all that is left to heal will come barreling through. Same thing is with grief, by the way. Grief loves an open door, too. So you're watching a commercial that is about loss, maybe a puppy dying or a grandfather dying, and it's just a sweet commercial. And you're bawling like a baby and you're feeling so much pain because it's like our nervous system and our unconscious minds want to process this. So when there's an invitation and

we're feeling a little trauma or a lot of trauma, all the other trauma that hasn't been processed is like, woohoo, we're ready too, which is a lot. So shattering your sense of self, the shattering is what's getting me. And the other thing is that your sense of self, I don't want ever for any person listening or any person on the planet, I don't want your relationship ever or another person, whoever they are, to ever define your sense of self. The only way you can have a healthy love relationship, the only way you can sustain a healthy connection, the only way you can be fully content and in your power in your life is if you understand that your sense of self is not dependent to anyone outside of yourself. It is not attached to anyone or anything.

It is an inside job. It is not an outside job. course on quantum sex. It's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms, how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner. Just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage, the quantum sex free course. Check it out and let me know what you think so my guess is you identified as this person's partner you allowed them to be your sense of self and then they betrayed you or gobsmacked you or hurt you in a major way and now you don't have a reference point for who you are. So that is how you heal and grow from it, as you say.

That is how you move out of staying stuck in that loop of rumination and regret. So what I want for you, and I feel like this is really important, is that you work with a trauma-informed therapist who is not only going to help you process some of the trauma that came through the breakup, but all the trauma triggered from the past, but who can also help you start discovering maybe for the first time who Heather is without anyone else. There is a movie, gosh, it must've been maybe back in the nineties. It was with Julia Roberts and it was called Runaway Bride. Your homework, Heather, in addition to getting support from a trauma-informed therapist is watch this movie, Runaway Bride, because she would got engaged to several different

people and she would be about to walk down the aisle and would run. She just couldn't bring herself to do it. I know it's a different dynamic than what you're talking about, but bear with me. Finally, she realizes that she has been defining her sense of self through all of these partners and her system was just resisting it because she was bending herself into pretzels to fit their lives, their likes, their style. If he was really preppy and spent his time at the country club, then she became someone like that. If he was like a hipster musician, then she picked up an instrument, right? And I get it. We definitely want to be inspired by our partners and explore their interests. There's nothing wrong with that, but we have to have our own sense of self. And so

she decides to take a hiatus from all relationships and figure out who she really is. And there's this beautiful scene where she says, I need to figure out what kind of eggs I like because this partner liked eggs Benedict. So that's what I like. This partner liked them scrambled. So that's what I liked. I don't even know what kind of eggs I like. And there's this hilarious scene where she makes like seven different kinds of eggs and she figures out what kind of eggs do I like, which is literal, but also a metaphor for what I want you to do, Heather, which is to figure out what kind of eggs you like. Who are you, okay? What's important to you? What are your values? What do you like? What do you dislike? Where do you find and source your self-worth, which is different than self-esteem.

Self-esteem is, I love myself because I'm kind, I'm good at sports, whatever those things are. self-worth is understanding that you are worthy of love simply because you exist every single one of us is and learning to access that and learning to build that and if you can do that not only will you stop looking back and start moving forward but you will attract in and be attracted to such a higher caliber person the more centered you are in who you truly are the more self-worth you build, the more attractive you are to partners who are really going to meet you there. Not partners that are broken, not partners that don't know who they are, not partners that need to control or minimize or belittle or abuse or abandon or gaslight you

into thinking everything's your fault. Okay. So hopefully that gives you some guidance. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. And you can email too, if you want to give me an update or ask a question or come on the show at languageoflovepod at gmail.com. I'll see you next time on the Language of Love. There is no.