Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Why Their Phone Gets More Attention Than You (and How to Change That)

Episode Date: February 17, 2025

Are you beginning to feel like your partner’s phone is becoming the third wheel in your relationship? Are you tired of being "phubbed"—that unsettling mix of phone and snubbed? You’re not alone. In this Language of Love Bite, we explore how to reclaim connection in your relationship without starting World War III. In this episode, I delve into the science of disconnection, revealing how our phones trigger dopamine responses similar to addictive substances. But this isn’t just about the tech—it’s about finding solutions that strengthen intimacy and foster connection. Discover small but powerful ways to unplug, reconnect, and bring joy back to your shared moments. Plus, I share some proven practical tips and daily rituals that foster intimacy. Here’s what I cover: Understanding the neurological impact of constant screen use. How to identify tech’s impact on your relationship, from decreased eye contact to “parallel play.” Simple, actionable strategies to combat tech addiction If you’re ready to create meaningful change in your relationship, tune in to this episode of The Language of Love. And don’t forget to check out my free course, 7 Days to Better Sex, and  Quantum Sex, which offers tools to enhance intimacy and connection even further. Subscribe to the podcast and start reclaiming the love you deserve. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people just like you learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Bites, where I tackle your most asked questions and requested topics. These episodes are designed to be fun, quick, and to the point. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. why your partner prefers their phone over you, and how to fix it. Are you feeling like your phone is the third wheel in your relationship? Are you feeling fubbed, as it's called,

which is a mixture of phone and snubbed. It's new vocabulary in our world because it's so common. Well, in this episode, we're going to talk about how to reclaim your connection without starting World War III. And stick around till the end to learn a surprising trick that just takes 30 seconds a day to reignite intimacy and make your partner choose you over that screen. Now, first, let's talk about the science of disconnection. Research has shown again and again, and we're now really understanding this, that when we're on our phones, it causes a release of dopamine. That's the same neurotransmitter that gets

released when we use cocaine, for instance. It's associated with pleasure and addiction. That's why the phones are so hard to put down, especially when social media is involved. So how do you deal with this piece of it? Well, you start by recognizing the problem as neurological rather than personal. And maybe share this perspective with your partner to create an understanding instead of pointing the finger of blame. And use moments of tech-free engagement, like walks or meals together, or naturally wean off the constant stimulation of screens. One of the things my husband and I did together as we noticed we were fubbing each other is we had so little time together without kids or work or other distractions that any time

we could actually spend time together, we put our phones away, put them far away so we couldn't unconsciously grab them. And that helped tremendously. Now, if you have a lot of time together, maybe that's unrealistic. Maybe you create pockets of technology-free time together, even if it's 10 to 30 minutes at a time. Now, how do you know if technology is hurting your relationship? Well, common signs you'll see are decreased eye contact between you,

shorter conversations, or what we call in kids, parallel play. You know, when little kids are small before they start engaging with each other socially, they'll sit side by side and play with toys individually. So it's sort of the same thing, parallel play, where you're always sitting next to each other, but you aren't looking at each other,

talking to each other, but only engaging with your devices. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous relationship?

Well, if you want to take your love life, your sex life to the next level, whether you're in a relationship or not, check out my free course on quantum sex it's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner just go to drlauraberman.com and you'll find it right there on the homepage. The quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think. The other sign is your partner or you will make a bid for connection.

Hey, I heard about this wild thing that happened in the news, or you won't believe what happened at work today, or guess what happened with my friend, Sarah or whatever. And your partner barely listens or doesn't look up or doesn't respond, or if they do, they're looking at their phone while you're talking to them about something that's important to you. These are all signs that technology is probably getting in the way of your connection. So it's really important to create what I call a tech audit. Observe and note how often these devices are interrupting your quality time, and maybe set a realistic shared goal to track bone-free hours and celebrate your progress. Make a little progress chart like parents do for kids and say, you know, today or this week,

we're going to spend 15 minutes a day together without technology or whatever it is and work your way up and celebrate the wins. It's the simple fixes that really make a difference. So even if you designate technology-free zones in your home or specific times for unplugging, that goes a long way. So maybe the bedroom is technology-free or maybe the dining table when you're eating meals together. Maybe there's even a physical box with a top or a drawer to put the devices in. And plan daily connection check-ins, 15-minute blocks where you and your partner

have your phones put away, and you're sharing the highlights of your day without interruption. It's also really helpful to recognize the power of micro moments. Those micro moments are small, meaningful interactions that foster intimacy. It could be a quick laugh or a touch, a momentary touch. So build those rituals like morning hugs or bedtime hand-holding. Try the 60-second eye gaze where you hold eye contact in silence and breathe together while you rekindle connection. 60 seconds feels like a long time when you're eye gazing, and it may feel a little funny. You can giggle a little at first, but it goes a long way to rebuilding connection. So there you have it. Hopefully that gives you some guidance to disengage a little from technology and re-engage

in your relationship. If you like this episode of The Language of Love, make sure to follow on your favorite platform. Thanks for watching!