Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman - Work Spouse: Office Joke or Relationship Threat?

Episode Date: March 18, 2025

The "work spouse" dilemma – why is this modern trend causing so much tension in relationships? You’ve likely heard the term before… It's that coworker who knows your partner’s schedule better than you do, the one who grabs a meal with your partner before a big meeting, or the person your partner vents to when work gets overwhelming.  In this episode of Language of Love Session , I dive into a listener’s question about this emotionally charged topic: the concept of a "work wife" or "work husband." Heather, one of our listeners, shares her discomfort with her husband calling a female coworker his "work wife," even though their relationship appears purely professional. Heather finds herself torn between feeling overly sensitive and wanting to protect the trust and boundaries in her marriage. Here’s what we’ll dive into: Why titles like "work wife" can carry ah emotional weight—and why they can actually be a threat to your relationship. How to validate feelings of jealousy or insecurity without letting them take over. The importance of open, honest communication when addressing sensitive topics. Practical strategies for expressing your feelings without placing blame or creating defensiveness. The emotional risks of developing close workplace friendships—and how to maintain healthy boundaries. Why emotional intimacy with colleagues can sometimes overshadow your primary relationship—and how to prevent it. Also, don't miss out on the 7 Days to Better Sex program and my free quiz, What Do You Want Out of Love? — both designed to guide you on your journey to deeper connection and fulfillment. Happy exploring! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, I'm sex, love, and relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, and for the last 30 years, I've been helping people learn to love and be loved better. Welcome to the Language of Love Sessions. This is where I get to work with you one-on-one, on air. You, my listeners, my goal in these sessions is to empower you to enjoy better relationships, both with others and with yourself, and to help you embrace how precious and sacred your body, your love life, and your sexuality really is. It's time we all become fluent in the language of love. Welcome to Language of Love Sessions, where I'm diving into the answers to the questions and the

support that you, my beautiful listeners, are asking for. So you can always call into the show, but you can also email into the show both ways to contact us. You go to languageoflovepod at gmail.com or languageoflovepod.com. You can also find it at drlauraberman.com under the podcast section. But here is an email question that I think is really good and applies probably to a lot of folks, certainly something I hear a lot from people. This is from Heather. She says, Dr. Berman, my husband has what he calls a work wife and it drives me insane. They obviously work very closely together and are on the same team. I'm obviously okay with him being friendly with other women, but really calling her the work wife? She also calls him her work husband. She's also

married. Am I being too sensitive about this? Should I just let it go? He brings her up a lot when telling me about his day and has told me multiple times that she's his work wife. I've met her a few times and she's been nothing but nice and I don't see them being at all inappropriate, but the title of work wife and husband just really rubs me the wrong way. Listen, Heather, I don't think you need to come up

with a reason to be entitled to feel the way you feel. Some people may be totally fine. I think the term work wife or work husband has become so common and a cutesy little way to bond with your coworkers, especially those that you work closely with that everybody just kind of assumes it's a cute fun thing to do and my guess is your husband doesn't understand how much it bothers you I think it would probably bother my husband I don't know how much it would bother me but to him and I guess to

you too and to lots of folks the title of wife or husband no matter how it's being joked about or referred to is really meaningful and I think that's the place you start because my guess is he has no idea this bothers you and you can own it. You can say, listen, honey, I know like maybe I'm being a little too sensitive here, but this is really important to me. And I know if the roles were reversed and something that I was inadvertently or accidentally doing was kind of bothering you a little bit or making you feel a little uncomfortable, I would want to know and attend to it. So I just want to tell you, I have no problem with so-and-so, whoever's co-worker is. I love that you have such a great working relationship.

And I know you're saying it totally innocently, but when you call her your work wife, I just notice I get a little feeling of, and then fill in the blanks. My stomach gets tight. My chest gets tight. I feel a little nauseous or anxious. You fill in the blanks, Heather, with how you feel. But I find talking to your partner, any partner, but especially talking to a man, if you're not like accusing him but you're really owning your own feelings all he wants is for you to feel

good and to be your knight in shining armor so if you aren't blaming him and making him defensive but you're owning your own reaction to it he should be respond positively so you say when I hear you say that I just notice I have these feelings and I know it doesn't make sense and it's totally innocent and she's been nothing but nice to me but it would mean a lot to me if you would stop calling her that. I want to be your only wife, whatever title it is. I know work wife is like funny, silly little title, but I want to be the only one that you ever call wife. Hey, it's Dr. Laura Berman. I've been a sex, love and relationship therapist for over 30 years. And the main question I always get asked is how the heck do we spice it up in a long-term monogamous

relationship well if you want to take your love life your sex life to the next level whether you're in a relationship or not check out my free course on quantum sex it's going to teach you how to take your sexual response to the next level capable of full body orgasms how to use sex magic to manifest your dreams and how to connect on an even deeper level sexually with your partner Just go to Dr. Laura Berman dot com and you'll find it right there on the home page. The quantum sex free course. Check it out. Let me know what you think.

And so if it's not too much to ask, would you mind stopping referring to her as your work wife? I think that's totally reasonable and he should be totally fine. Now, is he going to stop saying that at work or joking around with his colleagues? Who knows? I think it may be a lot to ask. I don't ever want you to call her your work wife, but you can say, look, I don't really feel comfortable with it.

And hopefully he'll listen to that. You can't control whether she calls him her work husband or not. But I think that's the important piece of it. Now, it also brings up, and I don't think this is relevant specifically to your question, Heather, but it's relevant to the question in general and probably to folks listening, that we see a lot of relationships of work husbands or wives that kind of thing where it's totally innocent as in this case it seems but then sometimes it's so close they still aren't like fooling around with each other your relationship isn't necessarily at risk per se

but they are so close because we're spending more often than not these days more time at work than we are at home or with our partners. So what I see happen often with work husbands and wives is that they become really close friends, which is great. But then they start confiding each other in each other to the exclusion or sometimes before they confide in their partner. So if you are in a relationship with a work husband or wife where you got it, something great happened at work or you got a promotion or something exciting is going on and the first person you want to tell is your work husband or wife and you're telling your partner second you know i'm not saying like a project you worked on you celebrate in the moment because it was well received i mean like really important

things that you would want to tell your partner first right if you find yourself confiding about personal things or things that are really meaningful to you or things that you're really excited about or even things that you're really upset about, first and foremost to your work husband or wife and then to your partner or maybe never to your partner, because I see that a lot too, that people start emotionally connecting and depending on their work husband or wife more than their actual husband or wife. That's when we have a problem, right? So that's the only caveat I want to give. It's like, it's cute. You can use these little names, but just be aware of like names and words have meaning and have power and that you are really holding your

relationship paramount, that you are really investing there more than in your work, wife or husband, because it can become a bit of a slippery slope when you're working really closely together and you're having all of this high pressure or high winds or whatever else is going on, but it's really bonding and it can easily become a slippery slope that turns into something that you didn't intend. So you always want to be conscious of not investing more in your work, husband or wife, than in your real one. I hope that gives you some guidance and also some comfort, Heather, and a place to start in your conversation with your husband. You can always email me or let You know, if you have a question, you can even call in live.

Just reach out to me at languageoflovepod at gmail.com. I'll see you next time on the Language of Love.