Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - "American Idol: The Finale" (w/ Anna Drezen)

Episode Date: April 14, 2016

Las Culturistas are joined by the brilliant Anna Drezen (Cracked, Reductress) to talk about American Idol and how it influenced the trio growing up. Other topics include the ethos of Long Island, the myth of the metrosexual, the ethics of tickling, and the Las Culturistas Lifetime Achievement Award.LAS CULTURISTAS HAS A PATREON! For $5/month, you get exclusive access to WEEKLY Patreon-ONLY Las Culturistas content!!https://www.patreon.com/lasculturistasCONNECT W/ LAS CULTURISTAS ON FACEBOOK & TWITTER for the best in "I Don't Think So, Honey" action, updates on live shows, conversations with the Las Culturistas community, and behind-the scenes photos/videos:www.facebook.com/lasculturistastwitter.com/lasculturistasLAS CULTURISTAS IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttp://foreverdogproductions.com/fdpn/podcasts/las-culturistas/ Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. And we are super excited to tell you about our new show, Dudes on Dudes. We're spilling all the behind-the-scenes stories, crazy details, and honestly, just having a blast talking football. Every week, we're discussing our favorite players of all times, from legends to our buddies to current stars. We're finally answering the age-old question. What kind of dudes are these dudes? We're going to find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season.

Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On Thanksgiving Day 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez was found off the coast of Florida. And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba? Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or stay with his relatives in Miami?

Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Cheryl Swoops. And I'm Tarika Foster-Brasby. And on our new podcast, we're talking about the real obstacles women face day to day. Because no matter who you are, there are levels to what we experience as women. And T and I have no problem going there. Listen to Levels to This with Cheryl Swoops and Tariqa Foster-Brasby,

an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll. This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. I was a desperate, delusional dreamer.

Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate, delusional dreamer. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. My grandma and your grandma were sitting by the fire my grandma told your grandma i'm gonna set your flag on fire you're talking about here now here now here now i go i go one day well hello ding dong last culturistas calling, this is Las Culturistas podcast. This is Matt Rogers.

This is Bowen Yang. I just said that like Las Culturistas because I just finished eating a Tic Tac. And that's some product placement for you right here on Las Culturistas. You know what? I'm going to have a Tic Tac. Why don't I get a Tic Tac? Oh, and then explain how it feels when it hits your taste buds and how it makes your mouth feel. All right.

So this is, of course, the wintergreen flavor. Here we go. A blast of fresh air, like some culture, like good culture. And less than two calories per mint, too. We should say that. This is amazing. It's something that makes your breath feel better. It makes you feel good.

It makes you feel like you're ready to take on the world and almost no calories. So there you go. Tic Tacs. Guys, today we are joined by a great friend. Look at this list of credits. Let's go through them, honey. Let's go through them, bitch. She's an editor at Cracked.

She's an editor at Cracked. She formerly worked over at Reductress and really helped to make Reductress the amazing, amazing, amazing place for comedy that it is i think you read reductress headlines you're reading anna dresden's voice yeah you sure are um what else has she done honey oh she's a member of the sketch group gentleman party well known over at the pit they travel everywhere she hosts open michelle at ucb east open mic for women ladies open mic we love it and my favorite she's the co-host with good friend of ours jill kim booster over at videology every second friday of the month she hosts fuck that movie which is really one of my favorite shows one of the best shows in new york and i love it and her name is anna dresden hi anna

she's here and i'd say she really does like a little piece of poopy because we put her in this crazy fucking hat it's a turd hat it's a little turd they wore it back in the 30s it's a fucking the 1930s the 1930s it looks like a note on a scandal notes on a scandal gone wrong don't get the reference I feel like I'm in a BBC miniseries that's it I mean about like women who bleed out after botched abortion that's no time so basically no no no notes on a scandal you must know now you must well even if you don't know now you must know for future so notes on the scandal judy dench and kate blanchett judy dench and kate blanchett it's about when kate blanchett she fucks a teenager they take notes okay and so judy dench is like he took notes yeah he no actually the No, actually, the old teacher, Judy Dench...

She said, this is a scandal. You should take notes. And then it's just his notebook. She took notes on the scandal that was happening because she's like an old lesbian who wants Cate Blanchett all for herself. Yeah. And then at the end, there's a great scene

where they're living in a home together because the press is hounding them because they found out that Cate Blanchett fucks kids. Yeah. And Cate Blanchett... The actress. The actress. Cate Blanchett like fucks kids yeah and she does blanchett the actress the actress we know we know she of blue jasmine fame she fucks kids no but the character was fucking teens okay and she's like putting on all this makeup because she's like really depressed in the house and she's like trying on trying on all the clothes in the house she's so bored and she stumbles upon judy dench's diary and it's like an obsessive diary of her.

And there's an amazing... And there's an amazing scene where she runs out into the street and she says, You wanna fuck me, Barbara? And that to me is... That's Anna Dresden's brand. That's literally me. You wanna fuck me, Barbara? Things have gotten

so bad. No. You don't leave the house and then you run into the street and aggressively scream for people to fuck you. Most of them are named Barbara. And I don't like taking notes. Fuck me, Barbara! What a great scene. She lost the Oscar to

Jennifer Hudson. Wow. You know what? That was her family died. Her whole family died. I know. We give her the Oscar. They killed her family. That's what it was for. They. I know. We give her the Oscar. They killed her family. That's what it was for. They were like, we'll give you an Oscar. But we got to kill your family.

And she was like, that's fine. Four years later, we got to kill you. I'm fine. She was like, honestly, is that it? Right. Honestly. Do I have to pay something? They're like, no.

Would you accept an Oscar if it meant one or more of your family? Bye-bye, family. You got to go. Who's Oscar? Your very own Oscar with your name engraved on it. You would get an Oscar for a musical. I would win Best Musical? You would win Best Supporting Actress.

If I won Best Musical, I would do it myself. I would kill my family. That's the price of fame. That's basically an EGOT. That is an EGOT. Yeah, I think. I would kill my family. That's the price of fame. That's basically an EGOT. That is an EGOT. Yeah, I think. Because it's on TV. The Oscars has never been nominated for an Emmy, which is insane to me.

That's crazy. Is that true? The Emmy Awards has never been nominated for the Emmy. You're right. You'd think that they would figure it out that they should award themselves. That would be a big deal. Why not? But you're saying a Best musical oscar is the equivalent to

an ego because it's on tv it's on tv music there's music and um it's it's a musical it's a and it's a musical wow it's an ego and it's not i'm not following the logic because how do you win the oscar for it you get it because it's already an oscar you get it i guess you're right you get it matt would you would you would you accept accept an Oscar if it meant your family members dying? No. I would take a Golden Globe. Get him out of here. I want a Globey.

Wouldn't it be nice to win an award that was paid for by your representatives? Oh, absolutely. Wouldn't that be nice? Okay. No shade. I'd love a weinstein emmy turn back anna says turn back i thought you're saying i want a weinstein i want a wine throw your weight wine on me i want one guys speaking of jennifer hudson oh the reason why uh why las culturistas gathers bi-weekly is to talk about the big

cultural events that have been happening and i wanted to discuss the end of american idol because i feel like it's uh you know culture.com that's american idol i mean it's crazy that it ended like that's big time it's right but then i heard from bowen that he actually he said quote shockingly i don't i've never watched that much American Idol. I don't know much about singing TV shows. And then Anna says she doesn't know about it either. So what are we going to do about this? I've seen so many clips of it.

You've seen a lot of clips. I've probably seen the entire series, but in a series of like YouTube clips that I watch on my phone at like 7 in the morning when I'm not quite ready to wake up. Right. And that is a a great um summary and assessment of the whole series i think i would agree it's something that you would watch that ended up sort of fragmenting culture in a way wouldn't you say so we've said in the past on this show in our very first episode that american idol invented common culture we do we do think that like people being so confident in judging each other.

I think started like when everyone was like, look how funny it is for that to happen to all these people. And like on a mass level, I think like American Idol did have a lot to do with that. That's really interesting. Yeah. Because you're watching people watching something. Exactly.

You're watching people watch something and then say what they do and do not like about it, which is in no way natural. But that is YouTube now. But must be. Yeah. And three people who probably shouldn't have ever been asked to give. To give feedback, professional feedback.

How did the three of them. Well, what was the elimination process like? I think that is. I mean, we take it. It's such a it's such a meme. The three of them. but like yeah you know well it's kind of interesting because i think they were trying to come at it from like three different perspectives which is like a producer an executive and an artist but what they got was like this producer who to be honest with you like simon cowell i think he

was peripherally involved with the spice girls but he never really broke huge music artists. It wasn't like they had like L.A. Reid on the show or Clive Davis. It wasn't like he was this pioneer in creating artists. So they got kind of a B-level executive in that regard who had a great personality for television, I guess. Randy Jackson, I mean, sure, I guess he was involved in the music music industry but he was definitely like the least exciting personality of the three of them right and paula abdul sure you got a musical artist i guess but she can she competently judge singing vocal ability no no she wasn't she was never a good vocalist not known for that and like you know whatever i also know a lot of really shitty comedians who but and like they

the thing about them is like they are around comedy all the time so it's like even if paul abdul is not a good singer like she's around a lot of singers i guess yeah or she sees a lot of performance i'm like playing devil's advocate with myself which is i think yeah i mean she she definitely you could say she had an insider's point of view and i get it like but then years later you know they did have like the singer of all singers mariah carey judged the show years later and she i guess was also an awful judge probably worse than paul abdul so i guess it doesn't really matter i feel like none of the judges after the original three were good. But anyway, let's... Should we start from the very beginnings of the show?

I mean, I guess that's... Well, I basically just wanted to talk about the fact that it's over. It's over. And now to do a post-mortem on the show. I remember, and I do agree with you. I think that it's something that everyone's at least familiar with in some way. There was a time when it was inescapable, and I do think everybody legitimately watched it,

I guess when we were in fucking middle school or something, when it was just on the television. But isn't it funny that that kind of thing, like watching people get judged, became the number one thing for americans to do like that's kind of funny to me that's kind of interesting i think it says a lot we also love putting numbers on the fronts of people's bodies yeah that's true cattle that's such an american thing yeah marathons beauty page pageants, American Idol. Of course, marathons started in America. Yes.

They ran the marathon in New York City. Yeah. And that was how running started. And then they said, good. Yeah, they said,

good. This is good. Let's keep doing this every year, they said. I like this. Let's do this for music. There's actually a rule. If you finish a marathon

and you don't say, I like this, it doesn't count. You have to disqualify. You're disqualified. You have to disqualify. It's disqualified. And most people aren't told that. So their first marathon is sort of like a test run.

Yeah. And they don't stop the clock until they said, I like this. Yeah. So that's why people's times are so high. That's why. And they'll never reveal. Really, everyone finishes the marathon in like 12 to 15 minutes. It's not far.

They just forget to say. They forget. They like that. They say, I like this. And then five hours later, they're like wrapped in a tinfoil blanket, drinking a beer. And someone's like, what? Can I go a tangent on tinfoil blankets really quick? One time they wrapped me in a tinfoil blanket because I had a panic attack at track camp.

And they wrapped me in a tinfoil blanket. And this is actually kind of tangential to the running thing and the tinfoil blanket because i was at track camp i may bravely share this story so brave what i had an anxiety attack at track camp because i got very sick one day and i was like a sophomore in high school and i was really very closeted and i all my friends kind of bailed on the track camp so i went alone and it was a week like in upstate new york and i all my friends kind of bailed on the track camp so i went alone and it was a week like in upstate new york and i was really kind of kind of irritated because i was going to be by myself and i was very nervous because i didn't like really making new friends stuff like that

sleep away camp really freaked me out really really hard everyone's dicks are waggling around yeah it's tough yeah and there was this one girl from like a neighboring town i think that kind of got a crush on me and i actually recognized her because I had seen her across the stadium at an OAR concert. Oh. All right. So this is. Oh, my God. To start from the beginning, I was at an OAR concert with all my friends.

Oh, my God. On August 12th, 2005. 2006. 2006. And we all went to go see OAR with opening act Jack's mannequin. Wow. Which is the most Long Island thing I've ever heard. I think it was August 12th,

2006. I think that's, um, I think that's the day I got fingered for the first time. Oh yeah. So, so milestones. Big day.

Big day. That was the day that, you know that because you scrawled it in it with your own nail on your arm. He was upset. Yeah. He said, don't do that. What are you doing what are you doing never mind i was like no it's on a scandal it's on a scandal that was the day that uh i was in china and my my cousin said for the first time but when you talk like a girl wow so that that's that was a big day for me too oh god but go on so anyway i i saw this girl across like we were like in the slight mezzanine she was like in

the end of the ground floor and so my friend my friends were like yo those girls are like so whatever straight men say about women that's it yeah those girls i'm that's it and so they turn around and we're like and we were just like and it was just like that idiocy so like i remember um like i clocked what she looked like and then like months later no actually like weeks weeks later you clocked the look weeks later i went to track camp and i clocked the face and i was like oh my god that's that girl from the oar concert and she was she was just as surprised to see me and it was like basically sandy and danny but a hell scape yeah so it was like i was like in hell absolute

hell because i was like i had like flirted with her across the stadium because you can't do anything sexual across a stadium that's perfect for gay men that's so true i see you hundreds of yards away this is the most it'll ever get right Right, right. I probably honestly did like the gross like pussy thing. Really? Actually, the story gets really dark. I'll keep telling you. Oh my God. How old were you?

I was 16. Oh, okay. So very, very Long Island closet. And it's from Long Island too. I am. Sorry. Sorry. So basically like she gets to the track camp,

we see each other, and I freak out. And I start to really panic but we kind of start to become friends i but her friends come over to our like bunk a lot to talk to us this is a different girl no the same girl girls and the very same girls and boys bun oh yeah they broke all the rules so basically three days in was like the big track camp dance where they were gonna where they were gonna to serve milkshakes. And it was like a social, but there'd also be a DJ.

What kind of camp is this? It was ridiculous. So basically- You mean milkshakes at a running camp? We would have warm chocolate milk at the end of the summer. I don't know. But I remember it was such a big deal. We were getting milkshakes.

That's insane. So we were all at the camp and we're at the camp dance and like they i'm in my bunk because i'm not leaving the bunk i'm like i'm sick and they were like no you have to come out and i had been making up that i was sick so i got i got to the dance and i like danced with her or whatever and we like grinded the whole thing to the point where i was able to grind with her but like and it was like non-sexual enough where i could like convince everyone i was enjoying it and one of the camp counselors came over and shine a flashlight on us which means you had to back up so i was like oh i guess we have to stop and i went back to my bunk and it was like convinced them so basically the

next day i wake up in like with like 103 fever horrible horrible like my like in stitches like from something so i go to the infirmary which they had set up and the nurse practitioner was there like all right let's do this this this and she took my temperature and i miraculously somehow didn't have a fever but i felt horrible so i went back to my bunk was miserable back and forth and back and forth because i can't run so i'm just like literally doubled over in pain i go to the nurse practitioner like a fourth time and she says to me she looks me in the eyes and she goes is this the first time you've been away from home and literally the second she said that i hit the ground and i had full body convulsing when i lost complete control

of my body i had to rip all my clothes off on the spot i started sweating through my skin i started shaking uncontrollably and proceeded to not stop shaking for an hour and a half and they had to wrap me in a metal sheet and i was like in front of all these kids that were just having like um you know like they were like cramping up or something i fucked a bee and i'm literally somebody who had like fucked a bee and so i'm literally there like having a complete what i think is mental breakdown asking the woman if i'm gonna die because i because i really didn't know what was going on i didn't know and the worst thing they could have done they did to me which was as it was happening they looked at

me dead in the eyes and like held my shoulders back and went you're having an anxiety attack oh god and i was like oh my god and they're like and then basically once i finally stopped freaking out they were like yeah basically we think that you're sick because you're very anxious about being away from home and your mind is creating all this stuff and i was like well all i know is one thing which is call my parents to come get me because they had repeatedly up until that point said no no no because they didn't want me to ask for my money back i was like i'm not gonna ask my money back i just want to go home so they came and get me and they took me home the leader of the track camp who was like this track sensei goes to me before i left what are you gonna do in college how will you last oh my god you can't make it

one week i was like i'm sick and my parents had such a fight in the car home because i guess my mom was like upset that my dad hadn't said something but i think we were all in just such shock that he was doing this so oh my god this ended up being such a longer thing but i have to tell this last part of the story because i think it's insane so the girl is crying as i'm leaving like it's like it's like oh my god it's it's as, it's like, it's like. Oh, my God. It's as if. It's a breakup. It's as if, you know. It's as if she was, like, discovering, like, superpowers.

Right. It's as if, like, we had been really in love all summer. And this was, like, me being taken away. It was like when you're a kid and you move away to a new town. It's the way your best friend acts. She's crying. Crying. So, I gave her my phone number at some point.

Because we had just all gotten cell phones. So, I got back to Long Island. And a a few weeks go by and she's texting me a lot so at the time i had this friend ryan who was like a year older than me he had a car so we were like and he was really interested in like going on a date with girls at the time so i was like this girl really wants to hang out uh maybe we should go do it so we went to go hang out and we went to the ground round what's that good it's like a friday's ask restaurant i've been there i'm sure it was the same ground it was like the one in like bay shore when you're yeah near the mall yep near the mall good god so basically like we went to ground round we drove around for a little bit we dropped them

off and ryan says to me after uh honestly i did not like hanging out with them and i was like why and he was like nothing happened and i was like okay and then i think he also had a problem with the fact that i think she was like mixed i think she was like a mixed race like black white and of course this is long island so everyone's a fucking idiot just like an open racist so like basically like oh was she black i don't even know and i was like oh my god and like the the voice inside me that would become like who i am now was like what the fuck is this what get like get out of this stupid fucking town but me i was like oh yeah i don't know maybe it was weird whatever and then two days later it was still the weekend because we had like a long

weekend they texted again and said do you guys want to hang out with us and ryan literally said to me oh he literally said to me tell them that i'll hang out with them if they suck our dicks jesus and i was like i am not going to tell her that and he was like honestly i don't know why you won't say it they probably will be down to do it so 16 year old me so brainwashed by long island ended up doing that i was like we'll hang out with you if you suck our dicks and they didn't respond for a while and then they finally did respond and the only thing they said was when and i was like and i literally when they said that because it was so sad i could just feel how sad it was i was like i'm so sorry ryan took my phone and sent that like that is that was just a joke

that's not the way it is blah blah blah blah blah and i felt so shitty that i sent that text and i was like goodbye so um and then i remember uh like weeks later they were texting me again to hang out and i was like these girls have no idea like what it means to be like they were we just like here's the thing it sucks if you send your daughters to the ground round they're gonna come out a bunch of painted harlots who are hungry for medium grade steaks yes and 16 year old and below average 16 year old absolutely but can you believe that no i mean yeah i'm from long island yeah yeah like all of my friends sort of dated the same guy with like really dark roots and like orange tips and who's like just always greasy and had like bars

in all of his um parts of his face oh my god and he just sort of fucked all of them yeah or like they blowed they i don't know if they fuck but they blow do you know what a lot of straight dudes did you ever experience this phenomenon like probably later on in high school a lot of the guys were getting thigh tattoos no what the fuck i got a lot of bicep tats i mean there was a guy in all my classes who had a sublime tat that took up his whole bicep. There was a guy... Bicep tattoos make sense, but thigh tattoos, like inner thigh or outer? Like tattoos on their thighs.

I've heard of guys getting tattoos on a ring around their thighs, which must be an entrance into being gay, I think. Yeah. Yeah. And then I also knew a guy that got the word beer tattooed on his upper thigh. That is the most trashy i think it's five one six i mean yeah it was six three one but like yeah i mean those the like those stories of tattoos don't surprise me about long island but that story that that long story you just told us

just is riddled with like every it's disgusting it's riddled with no it's not no it's not even that it's everything that's wrong and oppressive about society. It's just, yeah, it's like teenage angst at that specific time. Yeah. And that story has every example of every form of that, which I think is linked back to American Idol. Honestly, it's like... I went to summer camp also on Long Island, and American Idol was huge when I was there. And I was in love with a British counselor named Ben uh who was later an extra in sweeney todd and i was pretty sure he was like maybe a pedophile

like we could probably work it out um like really in love like crazy in love with him and uh i was i wrote a sketch called counselor idol that we're gonna do at council fire at the end of the week and i was gonna play ben and uh i stole his shirt like me and my counselor like hatched a plan to steal his shirt because he was playing uh shirts v skins soccer um i'm just like leaving a slime trail behind me like so excited um and i wore it and it was great and then afterwards he said keep it oh what uh i just like slime no no not at all he was very. Not a pedo, which was like a bummer at the time, but I guess now I'm like, cool. Thank you. Probably good.

Probably good. But my counselor who helped me steal it was like, I don't think that's appropriate. I think you should give it back. She helped you steal it? Yeah, I know. And I found a hair in the shirt and it's still in a plastic container um container in my house wow wow that's brave good work so american idol is a part of teenage genitals everywhere but i do think i do think like it's along the same path of like you why do you do and say these things because you're told

that that's what's fine to do so like with comment culture and like the way we all tear each other down, like, and like with the way we talk shit about each other, like it's only because like on a, on a big macro scale, we're shown that it's fine. As long as the people do actually suck, you should,

you can, you're able to say they're bad, which sucks. I guess. Wow. On Thanksgiving day, 1999, a five-year-old boy floated alone in the ocean. He had lost his mother trying to reach Florida from Cuba.

He looked like a little angel. I mean, he looked so fresh. And his name, Elian Gonzalez, will make headlines everywhere. Elian Gonzalez. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian.

Elian Gonzalez. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian Gonzalez. At the heart of the story is a young boy and the question of who he belongs with. His father in Cuba. Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or his relatives in Miami. Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. At the heart of it all is still this painful family separation. Something that as a Cuban, I know all too well.

Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story, as part of the My Cultura podcast network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll. This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. We talk about guilt, shame,

body image, and huge life transformations. I was a desperate, delusional dreamer, and the desperate part got me in a lot of trouble. I encourage delusional dreamers. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate, delusional dreamer. I just had such an anger. I was just so mad at life. Everything that wasn't right was everybody's fault but mine. I had such a victim mentality. I took zero accountability for anything in my life. I was the kid that if you asked what happened, I immediately started with everything but me. It took years for me to break that, like years of work.

Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. Guess what, folks? We're teammates again. And we're going to welcome you guys all to Dudes on Dudes.

I'm a dude, you're a dude, and Dudes on Dudes is our brand new show. We're going to highlight players, peers, guys that we played against, legends from the past, and we're just going to sit here and talk about them. And we'll get into the types of dudes. What kind of types of dudes are there, Gronk? We got studs, wizards.

We got freaks. Or dudes dude. We got dogs. Dogs. We'll break down their games. We'll share some insider stories and determine what kind of dude each of these dudes are. Is Randy Moss a stud or a freak?

Is Tom Brady a dog or a dude's dude? We're going to find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Cheryl Swoops, WNBA champ, three-time Olympian, and basketball Hall of Famer. I'm a mom and I'm a woman.

I'm Tarika Foster-Brasby, journalist, sports reporter, basketball analyst, a wife, and I'm also a woman. And on our new podcast, we're talking about the real obstacles women face day to day. See, athlete or not, we all know it takes a lot as women to be at the top of our game. We want to share those stories about balancing work and relationships, motherhood, career shifts. You know, just all the s*** we go through. Because no matter who you are, there are levels to what we experience as women. And T and I, well, we have no problem going there. Listen to Levels to This with shro swoops and tarika

foster brasby and i heart women's sports production in partnership with deep blue sports and entertainment you can find us on the i heart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast presented by elf beauty founding partner of i heart women's sports that's i mean remember um like william hung we were just talking about william hung off the record before you came here we were just talking about how it was like like i dressed up as william hung 2000 like my sophomore year uh homecoming like celebrity like there's a celebrity day where people just dressed up as well you won homecoming king didn't you uh that was the same year I won Homecoming King.

And that's probably why. As a sophomore? You give a little, you get a little. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. That was not the year. No. But they remembered it the next year when it came to voting.

But two years later, I did. I did win Homecoming King. That's insane. I had won Homecoming Lord, which is the freshman royalty. Homecoming Lord? Our entire court was as such. Freshmen were Lord and Lady.

Sophomores were Duke and Duchess. Then juniors were lord and lady. Sophomores were duke and duchess. Then juniors were prince and princess. We're fuck dick. They were both just called fuck dick. King and queen fuck dick. I did win prom king in my high school and I wanted it so bad. Are you fucking kidding? Both of you were kings?

I hated being homecoming king. He was homecoming king. What is this? Who are you? I hated it. I no longer relate to either of you. Well, no. Can you relate to this because i thought i was convinced that my homecoming king one was a total joke it was like oh like this is i was a joke candidate and like people just like even

still even even still i'm like 60 sure it was a joke i don't think so but i think that they voted for you then again i don't know what your high school experience was like but you're so wonderful i mean you were there yeah everyone's both of you are gaslighting i want i want to guess at you gaslight no and i said gaslight yeah i want to guess at you people have been using the term gaslight you a fuck ton yes because it's it's been appropriate 24 year old man named brian just learned what it means right and they love that couldn't be more dead on it's it's been appropriate 24 year old man named brian just learned what it means that couldn't be more dead on it's in the culture it's in the culture yeah rule rule number hey we haven't we haven't named any rules yet this episode rule number 67 gaslight culture yes um i just wanted to tag, uh, the idea of like it being sad that we criticize people. I think a part of that is you got to look at it from the other side too.

Cause like, I think it's not just about criticizing, but like our, this like new emerging need that we have, uh, in our generation, especially to be evaluated and to be constantly like sized up and told whether or not we're doing well and

like we'd rather hear that we're not doing well than like i don't know if that's true but like i think like we need to be monitored and viewed and like seen individually yeah uh so i think it's yeah it's like definitely the like john ronson side of it of like shaming people i need to read that book yeah i hear it's great yeah i mean i it ignores a lot of like issues of like shaming people i need to read that book yeah i hear it's great yeah i mean i it ignores a lot of like issues of like racism and stuff oh but um but yeah it's still like that concept is really interesting so it's not just that it's like also that we need to be seen yeah i think that came out came about too and i think that's so interesting what you said and i totally agree and i think it also came about like as we were able to get more

things like like when you were able to just get whatever music you want like the fact that we can just play any song we want to listen to right now like like you can get anything like tangible so then it becomes like well what are the intangible things that we can't get i want those now i have everything else so it becomes this thing of like what do you think about me like what everyone's just very self-centered and so this is like a very kind of heady thing but like I agree that it's just moving forward from like all these tangible things that we're satisfied on now because we're so kind of saturated with all of it now we're like what else can i get that i need oh i need

affirmation i need love i need respect i need this so i need to get it from you at whatever means necessary it doesn't mean it doesn't matter if i'm humiliated in the process exactly we'll hang out with you if you suck our dicks exactly that's what it is that is so sad wow i that's really tragic i bet you guys had great dicks though i've always had a large dick i can't speak on his dick i know anna knows i know i know do you know look there's this need in society to like um always like talk about your dick size and have that be evaluated and judged and commented on and i think it needs to stop well how far away from me how far away from like america's biggest dick are we not very far i think like who has it does guinness track that i mean i feel like

guinness has to be pretty pretty they've got everything else because their whole market is like 12 year olds who are allergic to outside i used to get the guinness book of world records every year for Christmas. Same. I got that for my brother this year. I fucking hate the Guinness Book of World Records. He medium liked it and it was $30. Medium liked. It is expensive.

It's big to its extent. I have hated the Guinness Book of World Records ever since they showed the man with the longest fingernails. And I was like, Oh my God, that was a classic. I was like, no fucking way. This book sucks.

I don't want to see this. Yo, those fingernails were insane. That was a rude thing they did to us. It was very rude. Those little snail shells. So guys, we've now talked about American Idol a little bit. And we're talking about a little bit. We've talked about America, for sure.

We sure have. But I think we've talked about American Idol as much as we possibly can. We haven't even said the words, like, Carrie Underwood. But, like, who needs it? So we get what it is. So, like, some people have surely gone on to success. Most we haven't even said the words like carry underwood but like who needs it so we get what it is so like some people have surely gone on to success most people haven't like yeah it pretty much sucks but it is the end of a big era now i ask you guys what era do you wish would end next what is going on right now in the macro or in the landscape and the culture that you're like, fuck skateboards.

I almost got hit by a guy just before who was on a skateboard going the wrong way down a one way street when I had the light and he almost hit me. And he was like a male blonde, which I take issue with. And he like fell off his board. He like looked back and then like stumbled off his board. I was like, you Oh, good. And then like stumbled off his board. I was like, you're not a victim here. Yeah, no.

You're not also a victim after the fact. Right, right. And I went, oh! How long have skateboards been a thing? Too long. Too long. Like in the early 80s? Too long.

Late 70s? Before the 50s and 60s. It was surfer culture. Oh, right, right. Oh, yeah. Those little short plastic ones. That was like apparently what they were like back then. I don't know what I'm talking about.

It's kind of like hoverboard culture now. I thought he was on a hoverboard at first. I was so confused. I don't know what happened. There's always going to be a fucking board for people to be on. Get off a board. My little cousin who's like going to grow marijuana basically, he's just waiting for it to get legalized.

He's like in school for bot, not botany, whatever it's called, agriculture. I dim. And he, when he was like 15, I was like, do you know what you want to do? He's in school for botany, whatever it's called, agriculture. I did him. And when he was 15, I was like, do you know what you want to do? And he said, for a job after school, I said, what do you want to go to school for? And he said, longboarding. I was like, that is barely a form of transportation, much less a career. Could any of you ever do it, though? Because I could never could skateboard my other cousin

had a skateboard and it didn't work out for me that that was like a big like huge that was a huge thing that made me feel insecure about being a boy oh right i have to tell you one time every year my cousin would have like these skateboard birthday parties oh and my cousin like had had a they had a lot of money and they were able to like make a half pipe my cousin owned a half pipe what and yeah such a fucking producer alex just giggled into his fist he wants it it's a giggle fist just started building a half pipe you guys can't see this but let me tell you i have never felt worse or more or less included than like at those birthday parties where it was like all of us that can do this like like fringe athletic thing no like

everyone else wait i'm so sorry to i want to hear no but um this guy in my first grade class matt barnathan who we all wanted to kiss uh yeah um he uh was forced by his mom in first grade to invite his whole class to his laser tag birthday party. And he was so mad about it. And he told us that. And he put all the kids he didn't like, which was mostly girls on one team and then all of his friends on the other.

And they just like shot us for an hour. And you guys were like, oh. I was like, Len's pizza. I was like, I love this. Shoot me. Were you on the A team or the B team? What do you think? I don't know.

You could have been like a cool tomboy girl. Are you fucking kidding me? What were you like in elementary school? Quiet, smart, weird. I like to giggle. That makes sense. Hot as shit. Hot kid.

Cate Blanchett was like, get out of here. Get out. Get out. You get get out i'm not old enough i'm taking notes yeah i don't get what were you like in elementary school bowen but here's the thing okay before i answer that i don't think i i don't understand the concept of there being hot kids like oh i did well look like i i moved to the u.s as a fourth grader and then like there was just this thing that wasn't that didn't exist exist in Canada or maybe even in the third grade where it was like,

Oh, like things are starting to stratify a bit. Like these are the cool kids and these are like the lame ones. But I was like, but wait, aren't we all like, all of us like are fucking idiots. Like there's no,

like there's like, what are the markers of status? You probably knew that because you're very smart. And like, I think it's that hive mind thing that happens which is the second you're old enough to be sexually aware you can look around and see what's desirable and what's not as desirable in the moment and you do make calls and hierarchical decisions get made based on that shit sure i mean a lot of tape ups i just want to

say that i i went into the fourth grade like hot as fuck hot as fuck but i was like fucking beat i went into fourth the fourth grade being like okay i'm just gonna be really smart and try to be funny yeah because you have to choose the qualities that you're gonna have exactly it's so dumb and so i would like fucking there was this girl laura henderson who she sounds really complex she was redhead Redhead? No, she was Australian. Pasty fucking Australian girl. Who was like... Not hot.

Well, she was pretty, but she was like the overachieving girl in class. And like, you could tell that everyone in the class was like a little intimidated by her. And they were like, we need someone to like strike her down. And so I came in and I was the first person to beat her at spelling bee oh my

god that was such a thing too and power play was to win and that was such a watershed moment in the in the politics of that class where it was like oh my god someone's someone's defeated laura strike well no for me no for like that was like a that was like a power thing for me they were like wow bowen oh oh bowen's good because he's and that was after you had moved from a different school from canada from a different country and so i had a similar experience when i moved schools because i think maybe some schools just do things at a different rate like in terms of what you learn or how you learn because i moved to a new school and then all of a sudden i was the smartest kid in class and they were like you're the smartest person ever and it was just

so weird and it was based on the spelling bee it was the spelling that's like the big like that's the big like sink or swim moment yeah i just think it's like when a new kind of intelligence or a new kind of aesthetic comes in like everyone's gonna be like oh what's this because i remember when i was in third grade or fourth grade i i had we had a new kid move into the class and he was like a totally average looking kid but then all the girls i think because they were like their their sexual button had just gotten pushed they were like oh i want to fuck justin like that's what they were all saying and i was like and i was like this kid's a dump those kids are this kid's a job this kid's a dump i started this podcast called this kid's a dump those kids are this kid's a job this kid's a dump let's start this podcast called this kid's

a dump but he was and i was like really upset because again i had chosen my two qualities and they were like cute and smart that's so funny and then the hot the hot fourth graders ended up growing up into being horrible well no they grew up into also being hot high schoolers i was like oh then i guess you can but back then i couldn't tell but everyone else couldn't i's like wait what do you guys think that i'm not but anyway well it's funny because from elementary school to high school yeah the hot kids stayed hot but then after high school by god did they take a dive yeah but there's always the ones who don't and then that's a bummer or they do and then they get married and their wives take their names which like if i were a guy i would like cum buckets if she did that that's like incredible and then they get married and their wives take their names which like if i were a guy i would like cum buckets if she did that that's like incredible and then they'd like buy a house and

the house looks incredible and they have a baby girl and then they just put the giantest flower headband on her head and it's bigger than her body yeah and then like they have a dog named bentley who's like a cockapoo and you're like fuck they're still winning so fast you want that stuff they're still winning like okay you want that still they're still winning like okay fine you stopped playing football you started balding you put on weight you still have a wife who has your literal name i know that's incredible i know yep yep yep it's just different the way we look at things too in the way like that they like people that remained uh with traditional lives look at things like and then sometimes i think to myself like maybe we're the

fucked up ones because we want all these like complicated things and want to have all these complicated ideas about like what to do and what to not do and then i'm like no everyone's oppressed never mind yeah but are they all just like yeah are those are those like are the people who are still winning like i don't know if they're even oppressed anymore they've i feel like they've been enlightened all because that's not a part of what they're thinking about like you're you're never gonna know that you're oppressed if you don't know what that means like that's like why women in the 50s and 60s didn't work because they didn't know they could right like and if they once they found out it was like almost too late because it was too late to compete with everyone who had educations

in those things and stuff like that that's what the whole fucked up like wound in society is is the fact that like we lied to everyone about the American dream I sound like so insane but this is true I think you sound so insane we lied to everyone about the American dream and everyone bought it and it wasn't fair to people

bought it lock stock and barrel but the thing is like I don't know I went to a wedding with a friend of mine as a favor because uh she didn't know anyone but it was a close friend and it was on long island yeah thank you um and it was literally everyone that i wouldn't have um ever talked to in high school not my actual high school it was all of the bright friends from when they worked at pathmark as teenagers wow and they got shit-faced and were like grinding on me on the dance floor and i was like oh no no no absolutely not no no no no and

this guy like shoved me into the dance floor i was like oh no no no and then we had to take the shuttle back with everyone and they were like oh table four shut the fuck up i was like oh my god we're on a bus yeah and we're like and we're being known as table four, shut the fuck up. I was like, oh my God, we're on a bus. Yeah. And we're being known as table four. Yeah. Yeah. And table six, this guy said like, oh, did you see what Paul did? He went up to the bartender at the end of the night. He's relieving.

And he said, hey, how much? And then they all laughed. And I was like, oh, you all have wives. So you degraded someone. Who took your last names. Yeah. And you're happier than me. Because the thing is, in high school, I would have said, you know what?

I'm going to be so much better than you like you're just gonna be unhappy after graduation but the thing is like i had a panic attack next to a bird wing last night and like like listening to the comedy bang bang like theme song um so it's like you know and he's got azalea bushes that look fucking right so like yeah but you know those you know those homes are prisons no they're not what if they're happier they are happier have you seen american beauty yeah yeah there are roses well not as i will say i was actually pretty grateful in high school because i did have like a nice group of friends that that knew that everything was bullshit so that was kind of nice and i think

that they've like we've all really kind of remained like sort of sort of cool but the thing is like i wonder like if i had really fallen into a like a group of people in high school that took themselves very seriously if like it really happens that early like if people just like if people make decisions big decisions like as early as high school i think they did because i feel like i'm behind i feel like i slowly forgot to become an adult and like i guess part of it is i'm like working at like a more like a company now like a corporate that like they are functioning oh well you'll pick that up very quickly entity but it's like i just feel like i'm such an unwashed like street brat and i like have no idea no i'm not worried about you you know it's interesting that

we're like talking about our upbringing a lot because I think it is very connected to American Idol because it was like, yeah, it started when we were pretty young. Oh, big time. At a very critical point. It's like a, it's like a shelter dog that lives 18 years. Well, I have to say I would, I would tune in occasionally to it this season, like really occasionally while I was on the road with the show I was, I was doing, I watched the episode that was, um, they had Kelly Clarkson returned to the show I was doing, I watched the episode that was,

they had Kelly Clarkson return to the show as a judge, of course. And she performed at the end of the show. She performed this like super emotional song that she wrote about being abandoned by her father and how she didn't trust men until she was much older. And now she's married to a man that respects her and they have children together. And she knows that men can be real fathers yeah so it's actually a beautifully written really powerfully performed song that happened on american idol and i found myself watching it like and i was like i just rose off

my chair because i was like wow this show actually did create something for me which was like i did look i did really idolize her yeah at that when she when she won that show i remember being in sixth grade and like like maybe going into seventh grade and then feeling really stressed because i just realized i was gay like a couple years ago and what i liked about her which is totally something i bought i understand but i still like i think it's um valuable is that she was very herself is that she had like a weird sense of humor and she was like down to earth and very talented and everyone fell in love with her and so i said to myself in my in my mind like wow like if you be

yourself maybe people will like you and then i would and then that actually was a positive thing that i carried with me wait you know when you just said that you know then i would and then that actually was a positive thing that i carried with me wait you know when you just said that you know what i just realized i used the way i used american idol was after season two when clay and almond was runner up yeah and he came out with his album measure of a man uh-huh my sister and i would listen to it in the car and i would use american idol as the way to mask my closeted status. I was like, oh, well, this is a popular thing that I can latch on to. And people don't have to get that suspicious because it's popular.

Everyone likes it. Like it's definitely gay. It's so gay. But like at least you can hide behind the mask of it being this like thing that everyone can be on board with yeah and so i was like great this is like something i could i can take cover behind for like at least a year it was really like in clay i can and then yeah well it was the birth of metrosexual it was because we had to justify what the fuck ryan seacrest was exactly god right i was like forget that he's involved with that show oh he has been since oh no i like forget that he's involved with that show. Oh, he has been since the jump. Oh, no. I forget that that's why he came out of the sea.

Yeah. Right. He's from the sea. Literally, them trying to masculinize men that seemed pretty gay or gay at all was like, well, they're metrosexual. It just means that they're concerned with their appearance and habits, but they're straight. They love women. Please don't believe that they don't.

But it's like they live in the city. Yeah. concerned with their appearance and habits but they're straight they love women like please don't believe that they don't remember how they remember how during clay aiken season they tried to like spin some bullshit narrative about him and kimberly lock no him and carmen carmen raspusin carmen was was her name and she was like this like really kind of an average like singer but they did they they tried to push some romance between kimberly lock and someone else yeah they did they they constantly tried to be like oh there's something going on with clay and a woman and you were just like watching it and he's like creating her hair there's no way what's crazy is how many american out contestants have come out since the show it's a ton like in the first season like there was five men in the top five and i think four of them were gay

everyone but justin guarini with the with the throw is not gay he's not gay he's got the kids i believe it um sanjaya is sanjaya gay he has to be gay well he wasn't the one i was thinking about like clay's been coming out as gay i mean it's weird and he killed that senator killed him that's true that is a funny fucking story wow wow i love the clay we live in a world now like it's been long enough the clay and came to us that he like was denying murder allegations during a political campaign right right right like what there's nothing churned out that response okay it'll be clay aiken running for senator denying murder allegations and you live in a shack that's so real what happened i love it oh man that is so funny

but he definitely didn't get a seat in congress right no that didn't so that did not happen i think it was they were in the same party but i don't know then because one of them was an incumbent i think i don't know it might have been a primary i remember I think it was, they were in the same party. But I don't know then, because one of them was an incumbent, I think. I don't know. It might have been a primary. I remember, I think it was post the election. The person that won. It was like the seat elect. I don't remember.

They died. Because I thought it was before. I thought it was before the election. That's why. Oh, that could also be true. I know that he did not rightfully win a seat. But also, weird that even in, I think it was like 2008 like when adam lambert was on the show they weren't saying he was good and he couldn't have been more gay what a weird it was

so recent that the whole country was like what gay yeah like are you fucking kidding me and now like neil patrick harrison his gorgeous family are like posing as the joker and robin and batman like in people magazine and no one bats a fucking eyelash yeah it's it's so funny because so rapidly yeah and that actually gets me like hot and bothered i said this on facebook once but like when when people post that that clip of hillary clinton saying i don't believe in gay marriage yeah fucking everyone else was saying that too until three minutes ago so shut up yeah yeah yeah yeah that's what i just don't like it like we like we pretend like we've always been cool with gay people and like that stuff that we said didn't matter i remember like sitting on the couch with my mom in high school like my mom and my sister would be in the room and we'd turn on

gray's anatomy and like callie and arizona would kiss and they would freak out like we were watching the twin towers come down i was like and they would act like we needed to turn the channel I was like this is crazy when I was like lesbian kisses don't melt steel they can't they don't burn hot enough but almost you guys you guys you guys have a conspiracy theory we're Grey's Anatomy lesbian truth it melted my steel beam if you know wow what I mean. Wow. Melt it up. Uh-oh. I just couldn't... I wish it were an inside job. I'm sorry.

Nice. I couldn't believe like... It's been about a month and a half. Okay. Oh, that's good. It's shorter than me. Wait, what do you mean? Since sex?

Yeah. Oh. I made out with someone. That's great. When did you make out with someone? I'm not yes you can i told bohan wait do i know him no you told me already yeah i went right on saturday yeah okay because i love when people make out people that i know i love making out people forget about making this is a it's a really i love i love making you can just make out with someone it's great yeah it's actually one of my one of my favorite things to do um great this is a funny story we'll talk about this later okay it's a really funny story

well oh yeah no i can't i'm like the most mentally fragile i've ever been and like the thought of like having a podcast come back to bite me in the ass is just not i need to be married before that happens to me um so guys speaking of um being married let's talk about someone who's been married several times and is involved with american idol um jennifer lopez jennifer lopez so we wait by the way what did we decide on that we want oh skateboarding we want that era to end for me i want wedding like the current wedding culture oh please god we don't have to talk about this it's weird that much just have a party no i agree with you that the whole the whole era of like we're having a wedding it needs to end i i literally just want the city hall the city hall

thing for you it's after all this fucking nonsense of yeah yeah modern of modernity and in wedding culture like It's just no. It makes no sense. Yeah, I agree with both of you guys about those eras. What era needs to go for you, man? Oh, man, what era needs to go for me? I'm going to say... You know what?

I'm going to keep thinking about it because I just don't know. All right. But I do know about this next topic. This next topic is we talk about American Idol. Let's talk about the queen of it right now, Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez. What's your favorite Jennifer Lopez era?

All right. I'll start. And this is a very unconventional answer. Okay. Go ahead. Her last album promotion cycle when she was promoting. was it called the the on the floor was it called love question mark i think no no no this is it's the oh aka aka yeah that's what it was um only we know the titles of her albums us and her us and her and she came out with a song called

i love you pop i love you poppy i love you i love you poppy i love you i love you poppy i love you, Poppy. I love you, Poppy. I love you, Poppy. I love you, Poppy. I love you, Poppy. I love you, Poppy. But the song is really good, and the video is really cute and funny. I like the video, too. She's with her friends, and they're talking to this music video producer. They're writing a treatment for the music video, and they're like, what if J-Lo falls and hits her head and has a dream about a boy?

And her and all her friends are like, excuse me, we can't do that. They're like, I don't think so. She needs to be fierce. I need to watch this. It's really good. It's really good. And then the video. So you like JLo dripping swagoo.

Well, because she didn't give a fuck. She was like, you know what? I'm never going to be seen as a Beyonce anymore. I think for a while she was trying to be like before beyonce became beyonce she was trying to be that figure like that untouchable like i mean she's physically flawless but like that physical like pillar of perfection like yeah but but then like i think this the last album cycle she was just like you know what i'm just gonna have fun and that's what she i will say that my favorite j-lo is romantic comedy j-lo oh you like i love rom-com j-lo i just watched made in manhattan you know what holds up no it does not it's the most batshit crazy thing i've ever seen it's

definitely crazy but isn't she charming she takes a woman's clothes and wears them and her son's like go go go get fucked mom no and he's like mom you have to go get fucked and then all of her friends are just there and they're like you gotta get fucked and then he comes in and they're all like he's white and then everyone's like you're hispanic and then they like go for a walk and she's just wearing someone else's clothes and he and it's like his wife or something yeah he's wearing her wife's clothes it's insane it is the most it feels like it would you know like art created by serial killers yeah like it felt like oh this was created by a death row inmate that is not it's like fried meatloaf that is not my favorite one can i tell you what my favorite one is my favorite drayla rom-com is wedding planner because it has this moment at the end okay wedding planner is with it's with her and matthew mcconaughey

and matthew mcconaughey is getting married and she's the wedding planner and during the preparations for the wedding they fall in love so basically like there's nightmare there's it's horrible what a fucking nightmare can you imagine there's nothing worse than this did she give them their deposit back i mean so well let me get there so basically like it gets to the point later on where oh and this is so funny this is a great little comedic gem so they're in the car riding back from like seeing the venue and and the white the wife was like so thin and so blonde like so severe and i think she definitely is like pete sampras's wife and that actress she's like that she's like sweetheart um we don't have a song and we need to pick a song right now so i'm

gonna flick through the wedding song cd and you tell me which one you like and earlier in the movie um jlo's having a talk with her like friends about how she can tell how long a marriage is gonna last and she goes i always know a marriage is doomed when they pick the wedding song and they choose I Honestly Love You by Olivia Newton-John. And they're flicking through, and the woman goes, like, no, not this song, not this song, not this song. And then I Honestly Love You by Olivia Newton-John comes on, and she goes, oh, Olivia Newton-John, I love this song.

And Matthew McConaughey's like, I like it too. And Jennifer Lopez is like, I think it's perfect. And that's how you know that she's gonna win. But then there's a crushing moment where it looks like it's not gonna work out. And J.Lo's like packing up her shit to leave the venue. And this song is playing. And this is the words to the song.

How can I plan on forever when i never planned on you so it's like works because she's a wedding plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan plan Wanda and her. And at the end, when JLo like gives a speech that says like, she gives her final speech to Jane Fonda and Wanda Sykes. Wanda Sykes goes, man, that girl can give a good little speech. Oh my God. Poor Wanda.

Wanda Sykes. She deserves better than us. That girl can give a good little speech. Oh my God. And then Wanda will come in and compliment the person. And then that's a wrap on Wanda. Honestly, it was like that. She plays like Jane Fonda's best friend, which like, sure.

No, never. But also she is like her employee. People who wear leotards are always racists. J-Lo era, your favorite Anna Dresden. Oh, that's a good question i loved selena i mean yeah i love truly good i love her natural nose i thought it was really cute i like knowing that she's like a girl from the block you know yeah yeah like i like knowing that she's like was the pretty girl in high school who's like famous right and now she just looks like she you know came out of the seafoam again um but i i like

i like that um my grandma we watched the was it the vmas when she wore the dress or the mtv i think it was the grammys the grammys the versace dress yeah um my grandma lost her mind because uh ellen degeneres was doing the red carpet interviews and she was gay and she, uh, kept yelling, you're gay, you're gay and you're gay and disgusting and you're gay. And then Jennifer Lopez came out and she kept saying,

pig, you're a pig. And then Ellen interviewed JLo and she was like, pig, gay, gay, gay, pig,

gay, pig. Um, I'd say that's my favorite oh my god because i love david dukovny and i love when he's like i'm horny like cool did i ever tell you oh my god this is so funny we were i was at dojo which is like now right next door from where we are right now um when it was old dojo and we were there and i was like waiting around with my friend lorianne from high school and we were watching like david ducovny sat there with his kids and he was so upset and then taylor only walks in and they said no words to each other and like he left and they did like a child handoff and i said later to my expense um and yeah david ducovny looked miserable

the whole time mike goes well that's because he probably wanted to fuck his food all night because david ducovny is such an insane sex addict right i want it i would he's such a man i do think he's hot oh my god i would break his sobriety for sure you watch uh Californication? Not yet. I could. There's some good like you know, celebrity skin type websites that'll just give you just what you need to see.

Yeah. I'll get, you know what? I'm going to buy some rubber sheets and a couple of tarps. Do they sell that? Lay down the tarps. I'm just going to let it gush.

I know they sell tarps. They sell rubber sheets? I'm hydrated. She gushes. She gonna rubber hydrated. She gushes. She don't go. She goes. Cool. Jennifer Lopez.

Yeah, that was that. I feel like she's so incredibly beautiful right now. Like her hair and her makeup. Her and Boy Next Door was like, oh, you saw the boy next door in theaters. Yeah. But yeah, she just looks incredible in every scene, which is distracting because she's supposed to be like, oh, I'm going through a divorce. She's like, oh, I'm like a homely wife. I'm just like a teacher wife.

I'm just like a teacher wife. I just, I'm sorry. I can't talk right now. Like I'm a teacher wife. I'm busy. I'm a teacher wife. I have to do these papers and this wife. And he got me a copy

of the odyssey yeah first edition first edition that was the part i could be a thousand years old and also and also her acting in that scene was just so classic her acting in general is curious because she like just sort of doesn't open her jaw at all just like wow like oh like she very her acting technique is small mouth do you know what i can't believe is like this whole time we're talking about her and she's literally on that nbc show shades of blue or whatever it's called oh yeah and like it's a thing my thing is like how did she work it out that she could do a fox show at an nbc show at the same time because she's fucking jennifer i think probably yeah right wow he's incredible lawyers that's probably true she also i saw her say on a eat your hollywood

story that she loves love um which confused me even though i was i just love enough to buy that the snake is starting to eat its own tail she loves love guys with that being said i want to at this time i want to present our lifetime achievement awards to jennifer lopez bowen you have the floor please present your lifetime achievementetime Achievement Award to J-Lo, who's truly deserved it at this point. Great. Visionary, artist, innovator, body image disruptor. These are just some of the words that I have used

to describe the recipient of the Las Culturistas Lifetime Achievement Award to myself in the silence of my own room. Jennifer Lopez is such an inspiration to me and to millions across the world, and I hope she comes to my next birthday party at an outdoor bar thank you anna present your lifetime achievement award to jennifer lopez when a human being is born they exit a female body sometimes they themselves are female bodies sometimes they're not the answer of course is left up to the toy cost of chance jennifer lopez is a woman but more than that she came from a woman as did we all i was just applauding.

Okay. That's it. That's it. Matt, your turn. Jennifer, girl, what a road. What a path. What a day. It's 3 p.m.

I stand before you humbly as your friend as your collaborator as your ex-husband my name is Chris Judd I want to thank you girl for putting me on the map for putting so many of us on the map

you put Mark Anthony on the map. You. Put Mark Anthony on the map. No me ames porque pienses. Comer tu tomasana para llanzas. Wow. No me ames. Codas que toron. En la sur en la bura.

La bura, la bura, la bura. Oh, this is not Spanish. Besos y amores. Jennifer. That's what I have to say. I feel like she'd be so judgmental if she heard this at all. I think she would crack her ass up. I don't think she would.

I think she'd think it's fucking funny. You do? Yeah, I do. I don't think she would. I think she's got a good sense of humor. I think if she had a good sense of humor, her makeup would not have been as good in The Boy Next Door. Right.

Because it looked incredible in every scene. You don't think she has a good sense of humor for doing The Boy Next Door? Absolutely not. No. Because that could have been an amazing piece of camp. And instead, they tried to make it like fucking What Lies Beneath. Well, that might not have been her problem. What Lies Beneath. What Lies Beneath. She was an EP on it. She was an EP? It's her vehicle. Oh, shoot. Well, that's not her. That might not have been her problem. What lies beneath?

She was an EP on it. She was an EP. It's her vehicle. Oh, shoot. Oh, wow. There's no way someone wrote that movie not for Jennifer Lopez.

No one was like, I want to write this movie. Yeah. I don't care who's in it. So now it comes. We have a couple things that we have to do before we wrap. Okay. And this first segment is called,

I don't think so, honey, which is you have 60 seconds on the clock to rail against something using the words I don't think so honey and you can get as upset as you want.

You have 60 seconds and it's anything in culture anything in your life. Oh my God. As long as you present a case and you complete the case. Okay. 60 seconds.

So man I think I think either one of us should start first so that Anna can see how this is done. Yeah please. I think that Bowen should go first. Okay. All i don't i haven't thought of one okay but let's let's do one well that's part of part of what makes this amazing is it's off the cuff great

because we find out what's truly bothering you love it i don't think so honey with bowen yang starting right now you know what i don't think so honey strep throat i've been having i've been in a i've been mid-bout with strep throat for the last four days and it has immobilized me it has paralyzed my mind i haven't been able to function at all in the workplace with my collaborators with um with my projects and it's really just ground everything to a screeching halt i don't think so honey strep throat you know what this is this is not a-day sickness anymore. It is an old perennial bacterial infection that, you know, at this point— Yeah, talk about what it is. —should be cured, honey.

And listen, you know what? I've dealt with the strep throat, but now I'm out of that whole fever body zone, and I'm into this canker sore at the back of my throat zone, and it is really still just lingering with me. And, honey, it is truly a crippling crippling condition that i i think we just get angry 10 seconds i don't even think that we it has a place in society anymore or in culture honey so at this point i want to i want to get back on my feet no throat cultures honey yes i need a throat culture now so i'm gonna get back

on my feet without strap that is 60 seconds that is i don't think so i don't think so honey oh my word. That was hard because you know what? It's still hard for me to talk. It's hard. Yeah. Sometimes the things

that we don't think so honey are the things that are keeping us back from talking about. That's true. And I've known this for a while. Okay Matt, you're next.

I'm ready. Right. I don't think so honey and the time starts now. I don't think so honey. People that don't want to get tickled. If I feel like I want to tickle you,

it's because I like you and because I love you even. And if I want to come over to you and get a little If I feel like I want to tickle you, it's because I like you and because I love you even. And if I want to come over to you and get a little bit of affection because I want to tickle you, it doesn't mean you have to get so touchy about it. No pun intended. I don't think so, honey.

Especially my boyfriend. If I want to tickle him all over and he doesn't like being tickled because he's sensitive to it, that's fine. I want to do it. And you know what? All my friends,

if I want to tickle them, I don't think they should Have a problem with it I think that that's my way Of showing affection And you stifle me I don't think so honey So when I come up to you With my fingers

First of all Don't assume I'm going to tickle you Maybe I don't even like you that much But if I do start to tickle you You take it For the 10-15 seconds It's going to be Until I'm done

And you let me tickle you The take it for the 10 15 seconds it's gonna be until i'm done and you let me tickle you the way you you need it because sometimes you need it to laugh and you needed some joy and i see that and i read that when i go in the room so bitch if i'm gonna tickle you i don't think so honey you say no i think you say yes take me take me take me giggle giggle that's a minute wow um man this might be the first time i disagree with you i don't think so honey yeah i don't think so honey you i think that no one i think that's an invasion of personal literally an indefensible position to take i think that you guys are crazy there's nothing more heinous than what you just said wow it's just tickling all right okay well anna so you want you want to you want to go into one yeah start the clock okay and and you start now wait

do i i'm sorry do i have permission to speak in sort of a gay accent? Please. Yes. Absolutely. I didn't... I wanted to say something that wasn't gay, but I couldn't. No, you don't have to. Okay.

Say it. Okay. Ready? Time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Being upright. Fuck that. No, no, no.

I have a bed. You can... I work in my bed. I sleep in my bed. I think in my bed. I look at my phone in my bed. And you know what? Even when I'm not in my bed, I can be in my bed i sleep in my bed i think in my bed i look at my phone in my bed and you know what even when i'm not in my bed i can be on my couch okay i can be on my couch and i can lie down when i'm upright that means that my head has to balance on the rest of my fucking

body are you kidding me what am i jenga no no no no i am not a tower humans were once crawling when we were babies and when we were monkeys and when we were sea slugs because we were sea slugs and i am not having this argument right now inside of i don't think so honey interior i don't think so many people who said we're not sea slugs because we are back to the regular i don't think so honey being upright i don't want to stand i don't want to sit i don't want to kneel i don't want to lean i don't want to tippy toe i don't want to jump i want to lie down i want to lean i want to be on the ground and when i visit my parents they have carpet because they're old and i can lie on the carpet and it's like a big bed for my whole

house and fuck being upright i don't think so honey that's one minute i don't think so honey i agree i want to be lying down i like being on on my belly, on my back, on my side. You know I'm a belly girl. Everyone who looks at me says, she's a belly girl. She's a belly girl. Can I tell you, I think I might have thrown my back out last night,

like partaking in some like, semi-sexual activities. Good for you. I think I might have pulled the side of my ass. We're not evolved yet to do that stuff. Upright. Okay, man. Let's move on to some other stuff. All right.

So now we've got all of our negativity out of the way. It's time to award the culture of the week we gotta do this really quickly we don't necessarily have things up we're gonna get there okay all right so my culture of the week um and this is to the best culture of this week is to the institution that i think did culture the best um it's gonna go to walt disney world yet again um walt Disney World, I think that they had an American Idol attraction. I think that they're doing everything right. We discussed how happy it makes everyone to judge people. Well, guess what? At American Idol, the experience in Disney Hollywood Studios, it's since closed.

But for many years, they were able to provide people with the opportunity to judge people live while on a family vacation. So I think that's amazing. And I recently met someone who played the simon in the show and um she seemed lovely and i think that she had a really good time tearing people down while they were paying um good money to be on a family vacation and i want to thank disney for creating that experience and for creating that culture now even you and your family can go rip each other apart absolutely and the family units of others so thank you disney world for that thank you disney what do you think bowen okay um well it's so funny i'm because i was going to go into my culture of the week but my culture of the week

was also going to be well disney world for the second week in a row well um and again for i their commendable uh take on the american idol experience. Right, yeah. How do you gamify? How do you create a theme park experience for such a specific show with such a specific tight format? And that is to open up the judgment process to the entire public and the entire theme park patrons,

all those patrons. And so I don't personally know anyone who's ever worked on that ride. So I can't speak to that on a personal level, but I am sure that everyone who's been a part of that experience has enjoyed it. Yeah. I've enjoyed creating that singular experience for Walt Disney World park goers from all over the world. Great. Yeah.

So Anna, what's your culture of the week? My culture of the week is um hair things that are flat uh flat ones because i didn't know and i went to a wet that wedding and um they had a really well stocked basket in the ladies room like they had a fucking pregnancy test in there wow it was like very tricked out it was tricked out it had everything in it and they had hair things. I mean, my friend were just like going through

and taking things and I took one of their flat hair things and it's changing my life. Wow. That's great. Because normally it's round. Yeah.

But your pony, when it flat. It flat. It flat. It flat. It flat. When your pony, it flat.

So I love that. I agree. So now, fulcher of the week it's our failed culture of the week we talk about the worst culture okay okay i'm gonna say um roll on deodorant because it gets very clumpy uh when you put it in your armpit especially when you have hair um you when you roll on the deodorant especially if you're really trying to get it good um good luck uh going returning to your armpit, you know, six, seven hours later and not seeing what are clumps of deodorant. Yeah. Very hard when you make love.

When you make love. Well, my Folterer of the Week, and this is nowhere near as cultured or as affecting as Matt's. Deodorant. Yeah. I'm sorry? Deodorant. Deodorant, yeah. But my Fulcher of the Week, Failed Culture, is the holistic works of Haruki Murakami.

You know what? Everyone loves The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. It's a fantastic book. What a beautiful piece of modern magic realist storytelling. But as a whole, he does not write women. Well, they are always objects of desire and sexual,

sexual intercourse. They are not characters with depth. They are never characters with complex emotions. But all of his male protagonists are these repressed, reticent Japanese men who need sex to complete them. And you know what? It's a tired narrative, Haruki.

I think you should change that. So my little wag of the finger to Haruki Murakami. Sure. I'm sure he felt it. What's your vulture? I guess I'm sort of behind enemy lines here because my vulture is Walt Disney World.

It is an expensive sunburn. It's a fight with your family that you'll remember forever. It's reductive. And every girl who shoplifted in high school gets married there. All right. So it's worthless. It's culturally bankrupt. It's forced joy it's the commodification

of enjoyment even though there's nothing there that's inherently enjoyable at all besides alcohol all joy these days is commodifiable well you know what actually I think we're about out of time yeah we're out of time so with that don't push me

stop tickling me get her out out at a time yeah we're out of time so um with that with that uh don't push the answer stop tickling me throw her out the get take her out the way get her out get her out thank you we want we do like a little sound because very light very light no hard feelings against anna we love her talking about walt disney world but we do want to say uh we didn't say why we looked like little poops um it's because we're wearing these wide brim hats this is large culture races we're coming at you with culture with uh with capped culture we have little hats we're all wearing hats we're going to take a beautiful instagram for you and what's the piece of merch that they can get from this episode well man i think the piece of merch in this episode is um uh what was that what was our little thing that we talked about uh as

the culture tip what was that uh don't get a gaslight culture gaslight culture we're gonna we're gonna make a little napkin a stack of napkins paper napkins that that's a gaslight culture uh yeah don't gaslight me bro don't gaslight me bro that's gonna be a little stack of napkins. And you, yes, you, the Last Culture Recess listener, can own this stack of napkins. There's only going to be one. All right. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, Anna Dresden.

Thank you, guys. Please look up Anna Dresden online at Anna Dresden. She is like a Twitter goddess. Buy my book. Buy her book. She's a former director, a member of Gentleman Party, a host of Open Michelle. You should be used to and fuck that movie

every second Friday of the month of ideology. And you're going to need to buy her book. How may we hate you? How may we hate you? Pre-order it on amazon pre-order on amazon guys bye bye this has been a forever dog production executive produced by joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Bohm. For more podcasts, please visit foreverdogproductions.com. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez was found off the coast of Florida. And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba?

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