Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - "Babadooking" (w/ Michelle Collins)

Episode Date: June 14, 2017

BAB-A-DOOK! We got an EP for you today, bitch! TOUR DE FORCE Michelle Collins (The View, Fresh Batch) joins Matt & Bowen in studio for a MEETING OF THE CULTURAL MINDS! They GET INTO Babadook, Bachelorette, growing up in Miami, forging permission slips to watch Schindler’s List, a racist/criminal driving instructor named “Lil Jeffie,” OSS vs. ISS, and so much more! And to answer your question, yes! Jacques-Louis David’s “The Death of Marat” IS referenced in this episode! AND Don’t forget to subscribe to Michelle’s NEW laugh-out-loud TV roundup podcast on the Forever Dog Podcast Network, “Fresh Batch.” First four episodes available now on iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher, & Soundcloud!LAS CULTURISTAS HAS A PATREON! For $5/month, you get exclusive access to WEEKLY Patreon-ONLY Las Culturistas content!!https://www.patreon.com/lasculturistasCONNECT W/ LAS CULTURISTAS ON FACEBOOK & TWITTER for the best in "I Don't Think So, Honey" action, updates on live shows, conversations with the Las Culturistas community, and behind-the scenes photos/videos:www.facebook.com/lasculturistastwitter.com/lasculturistasLAS CULTURISTAS IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttp://foreverdogproductions.com/fdpn/podcasts/las-culturistas/ Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez was found off the coast of Florida. And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba?

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have a little bit of a show we want to invite you to. It's called Night Soap. It's part of Ars Nova's Ant Fest, and it's at Ars Nova on June 22nd, babe. At 7pm. It's an amazing show. Matt and I are so proud of it. We are both in full drag.

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Hey, everybody. Today's show is brought to you by Casper.com. Receive $50 towards any mattress purchase at www.caspertrial.com forward slash Las Culturistas. And by warbyparker.com. Get a free five-day home try-on at www.warbyparkertrial.com forward slash Las Culturistas. Five pairs, five days, 100% free.

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All right. Enjoy the show. Come on. My grandma and your grandma were sitting by the fire. My grandma told your grandma were sitting by the fire My grandma told your grandma I'm gonna set your flag on fire

You're talking about henna, henna, henna Aiko, aiko, ande Jagamofino, anane Jagamofinane Ding dong, Las Culturistas calling And Bowen, I think I'm really falling for our guest. Going into tonight, I think our guest and I are going to have a really good connection. And I think I'm going to get the first impression, bro.

And I had a lot of concerns about you personally, about whether you were here for our guest or not. For the right reasons. Because sometimes I think that you're doing this podcast to get more Twitter followers and to, you know, build your brand. And for me, I'm here for Michelle. I'm sorry. And I I'm here for Michelle. I'm sorry. And I've been here for Michelle. I don't want you to pejoratively attack my catchphrase on my shirt that I'm wearing right now. And it's not like, and the listeners at home can't see this, but I'm wearing a shirt.

And it does say Waboom. And I'm just very concerned because I feel like you stole that. Okay. And I don't have anything to back it up. All right. Besides what I've seen. I can't back up my intentions except to say that my intentions are good guys our guest is phenomenal

oh my goodness like what again what again what again let's go through the credits i mean come on you've seen her on the view you're hearing her now oh yeah on her new podcast on forever dog podcast network honey it's our podcast sister, and it's called Fresh Batch. It's so fun. I've listened to every episode. And thematically, might it have something to do with what we just discussed? Perhaps. I think absolutely 100%.

We'll get into it. It does. And then maybe before the podcast, you might have seen her work, her editorial hand at bestweekever.tv. She's won. It's an award-winning. Absolutely. She was an award-winning editor. Come on. Yeah, and now the host of award winning. Absolutely. She was an award winning editor. Come on.

Now the host of After Paradise. Yes. Oh my god. We have to say now the host of After Paradise. Now the host of After Paradise, the Batch and Pair After Show. Batch and Pair After S. After S. Guys, please welcome Michelle Collins. Yes. Thank you. I have been sitting. I'm

here like little mermaiding voice box out. I've been dying to talk this whole time and I can't and it's frustrating you know what jump in jump in I couldn't jump in I'm waiting for the host to

introduce me to the beautiful job thank you thank you for having me this the shell necklace Ursula shell broke shattered your voices with you now Michelle welcome to the world

and here I am how you doing God I just feel great I'm in a kimono I don't know what that means But I just love it I like the breeze under the arms So I'm feeling very good And also a very serious makeup story tonight

And I think it's because I mean it is It's Babadook levels I said it when I came in Yep absolutely thank you I'm basically in Babadook cosplay Please But you know

Living the theme of the day Living the theme of the day. Obsessed. Obsessed. Okay, we were talking about this before we went on air. Breaking news. The Babadook is the official Pride mascot. No one knows why, but I've been making Babadook jokes about the Babadook being gay.

You know this. For many years. Really? Yeah. I do a character named Alexander. I do. Named Alexander. He does Alexander Wang.

I do an Alexander Wang impression slash character And he introduces himself as a prestige Babadook Which is basically what you I'm not saying this pejoratively You look like a beautiful Babadook That is honestly What an honor I'm so happy I took the A-Train tier

For that compliment alone And then swept out of the A-Train And you said gave us Van Helsing realness on the way here, which thank God. When I have a quick stride cooking in this city, I go full Van Helsing. And I'm in an ankle boot, much like the character Van. What's funny is that I've never seen the Babadook because I think that I'm afraid of horror movies. But it's like, I'm like, I don't like ones that have like weird eyes and like, there's another one. I don't know. They're all scary. I don't like ones that have like weird eyes and like, like, um, there's another one. I don't know.

They're all scary. I don't like it. But then after I saw that it was a queer icon, I was like, well, I got to keep up with like, you know, you know, my fans, the people, the children. So I was like, so I watched today before I had a great day. This is what I did today. Ready? I woke up.

I saw the Babadook was trending. No, I watched, I watched. Let's make a deal. Hold on. Let's rewind. Price was right. Right. Price. Right. Then I saw Babadook trending. I No, I watched, I watched Let's Make a Deal. Hold on. Let's rewind. Okay. Price was right. Right. Price was right.

Then I saw Babadook trending. I said, gasp. I must know. So I went, I found a YouTube video because I like spoil all horror movies for myself. So remember when that movie VHS came out? Yeah. It was that weird movie. And then everyone was like, scariest horror movie.

It's so horrible. And I was like, Wikipedia. Like, okay, so what are all the scary parts in VHS in case I'm ever subjected to watching it? So I found a 40-minute video about all the Baba Duke appearances on YouTube. So it's like a Clifton Notes Baba Duke. It's the movie. And I watched 40 minutes of it. And I was on the edge of my bed.

I was like, this is... I got to see Baba Duke now. Because also, let me just say, I know I'm saying a lot it's australian and i feel like actually it's like less scary and then i read it was about grief and i was like oh i'll see the whole thing yeah i hope it's about grief because it's allowed to have like emotional real undertones that internationally those horror movies are like prestige films oh yeah and then they come to america and then they become trash but especially like the japanese ones like the one one that the ring is based on. All those movies are like beloved movies internationally and in their home countries.

And they come here and they have like, they get Naomi Watson. Although, did you know some Babadook trivia for you? Okay, come on, come on. That it was actually a bomb when it first opened in Australia. And then it came here and was a hit and they re-released it and it was a hit in Australia. Wow. See, I'm telling you guys, it's like Rain Man but for pointless, needless information, but I've got it. No, this is

the culturista. This is the culturista. This is the point of the show, Michelle. I get it. Okay, relax. No, but Michelle, you literally were running this celebrity site before we were fucking dilettantes and started gabbing into a microphone. You're a true pioneer're a true pioneer i think that's nice of you to say that actually and uh i know you're half kidding i'm not like no they cut back to me i have like a tear in my eye saving

private ryan on the beach i'm like oh my god and it's a thick black mascara tear like lauren conrad no these this is waterproof i went to a wedding this weekend in the rain which sounds romantic until you cut back to me and it's like, uh, Jan hooks is Tammy Faye. I was like, Oh God. So it's not a good look for me. But anyways, thank you for saying those things. Yes. I was there for six years of my youth.

I was so beautiful back then. I didn't even know. I look back at pictures now. I'm like, Oh my God, I had it all. Oh my God. Anyways, HPV free. We talked about it. We did.

Congrats. I want the world to know. HPV free this one. Michelle Collins. And you know, famously, most people have it. I know. You douched the bullet. we talked about it we did go on congratulations yeah hpv free this one michelle collins and you know famously most people have it i know you you dashed the bullet i sure did yeah i'm really excited about it anyways i mean that's the thing about being std free bitch it can always go away so i have other things oh yeah okay it's just that is the one thing yes but that's the one that everyone else has so in a way it just sort of feels more have you seen the commercials for it where it's like um like adults being like i have it and it's

like then slowly it's like kind of amazing it's actually it's baba duke-esque yeah i don't know what that means that's anything we're then worthy of international praise yeah yeah then slowly it rewinds and time and then they found like similar younger actors to be like i wish my dad would have told me that it was important to get and when they say the last word they found like similar younger actors to be like I wish my dad would have told me that it was important to get and when they say the last word they're like seven and like blowing birthday candles out so great I mean I have to have kids

so I can get vaccinated I need it I need them vaccinated yeah vaccinated I didn't know you were best week ever for six years straight out of Barnard no no I know this about you because I listen to the pod Fresh Batch you guys listen to it it's great

oh wait I know and it's spelled Batchelor Cookies not Bach some people think it's a Batchelor but it's not technically a Bachelorette

it's not technically a Bachelorette or a Bachelor podcast we talk about it because it's on right now of course because it's a TV podcast so in the off season

what are we planning on talking about well we're still talking about Housewives which of course I could just talk about until I drop dead um i love below deck i'm do you guys watch that what's below deck sorry what i'm not she looks to our producer like what the fuck show am i on i'm like hot producer joe we are not hpj free i'll tell you i'm not a bravo gay i i will

out myself what channel gay are you? We are logo VH1 drag race gays Well that's the same diff Do you watch drag race? Of course Can I have some wine please? I think I need to take the edge off HPJ is going to get the cup Michelle walked in here

We offered her the wine she said no I've got my San Pellegrino I'm flavorless I think it's important to know not the sugary wine I'm very happy we cracked you open And now you're going to pour the wine. She said, no, I've got my San Pellegrino. Yeah, but guess what? A flavorless. I think it's important to know not the sugary wine. I'm very happy we cracked you open, and now you're going to pour the wine. I'm doing it now. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I'm not driving anywhere. I'm going out after this.

No, it's New York, baby. That's why I have the eye makeup. All right, let's talk anything else. We have a question that we start. We have a question we start this all off. Yes, yes, yes. All right, so Michelle, this is the question that we ask all of our guests. It's really a centerpiece of,

might I have some more wine? Thank you so much. He snatched that bottle so fast. He was like, bye, bitch. Hot producer Joe, can I get some more too? Thank you so much. This is gearing up to be quite the ep. So what is the culture that from a young age

you saw and really influenced you? We're talking about films, music, television, like something that changed the way you lived your life and made you want to say, I'm going to step in a cultural direction. It could even mean like, some people answer this with like geography. They're like, I grew up in the suburbs

of Cranston, Rhode Island. Wow, that's such a beautiful question. What made you step? I like that. Culture was for you, you decided. Well, you know what's funny? So here's, this is for sure, we're going to have like a Barbara Walters,

like I'm going to be sobbing in the next five minutes no look i grew up i was tall i obviously had very crazy parents but very funny my father was a stand-up comedian funny enough no way but like in a waiting for guffman sense of like old age homes and like jewish humor and it was very i mean it's very sad he would write parody songs so So it wasn't The Wanderer. It was The Handler, which sounds funny. I would listen to that. By the 900th time, I was like Death of Marat, like the painting, like bathtub, suicide note. Death of Marat! Never again.

I was in Marat Saad in college. Anyway. Were you an art history major in college? No, I was. Well, it's a whole drama. I was in dramatic writing, but somehow got into a tish drama main stage, and it was the talk of the town.

He was the Zach Efron of NYU. Wait, really? I could see that. I was the Marquis de Sade in Marat Saad, and we did a punk rock version of it. Wow. I would have loved to have seen that. It was...

Oh, my God. Too much. Too much. I saw it, and I was like, I don't know what the fuck is going on here. Are you guys, like, 22? I just need to know. So before I I was like, I don't know what the fuck is going on here. Are you guys like 22? I just need to know. So before I say like about the talkies that inspired me, I need to know what makes you

tick. We are 27 and 26. Oh, I can deal with that. We have our wits about us. Okay. Okay. I feel young. I know.

I forget that. I know. I know. Okay. Everyone just relax. We're zygotes. Okay. So your dad was a stand-up comedian.

Right, right. No, but so, but I grew up. I was tall. I was definitely mocked just for a number of reasons. And I used... Well, why am I bringing that up? Just to get the sympathy vote right now and to encourage your listeners to listen to my podcast to know that I'm a very sensitive animal.

I'm a cancer with a Libra moon. Need I say more? Yeah. Wow. Wow. Need I say more? It depends. No.

But anyways, as far as the culture. So I actually immersed myself in culture because I had nothing else. I mean, we're talking for like three years of my life. So what did I watch? I mean, I used to stay up until 4.30 in the morning to watch reruns of Perfect Strangers when I was like in high school. But I mean, at that point, I did have friends. But to me, OK, it was like Conan was huge for me we're talking high school now yeah younger than that I mean I would say that

when I was like 12 or 13 I fell in with a group of my mother would call them like Italian sluts and I was in the um yes thank you they were the best god bless they were my rocks and where'd you go Miami Beach yeah come on yeah kind of funny so it was a very Jewish school. And I say this as a Jewish person, like, hated almost everybody. I mean, you know, very snobby, jappy, blah, blah, blah. But then I fell in with these girls who were, like, cool. They all smoked. We would go on field trips. And my mother, who's a crazy Israeli woman, would, like, let them smoke.

She would, like, give them cigarettes. I was like, I mean, forget it. So this is who, this is my background. But when I was, like, 13, but I was dorky. I wasn't cool like the girls thought my mom was cool as shit they were like oh my god your mom's the fucking best and then I would still be like left alone but um but I was like big into I really got into like dark movies when I was young far too young I remember buying tickets to see Pulp Fiction

this was I was 12 or 13 wow and for all because I looked 40 you know because I was like I was like six feet so I used I would buy tickets to all the rated r movies and I remember seeing train spotting you know all the Tarantino movies forget it like all these fucked up movies that no kid if I found out my nieces were watching it today I'd be like seriously I remember begging my parents to see natural born killers I was like please I'm begging like I have to see it I have to see it. I have to see it. And why? Because you, what attracted you to that stuff? You know what? I think that, like, I knew it was cool.

I felt like, oh, this shit is cool. It makes me feel smart that I even get it now. But I don't even think I was that, like, self-conscious about it. I just knew that it was, like, something. It made me feel things. I was like, oh, this is, is like really just awesome shit like I liked watching these people I remember I mean I'm trying to think of what else I had every movie poster up in my room and I used to go to Israel with my mom over the summer to visit my grandparents and

there was one store that sold all the movie posters in Italian which I thought was like beyond cool so I would buy all but it's like it is dorky it's pretty cool whatever now I'm like embarrassed no I did the same thing with movie posters it was like that's what you put up because like what's my personality but that's it but that really is it until I figured out that I could like use humor to like be that but you know yeah I mean I was always listen

I was doing Shirley Bassey impressions at five like this is not a joke I was singing Goldfinger for company at five and killing it like not with not like is that a sweet little thing. It was like, you know, earth shattering performance.

Goldfinger. George Carlin was big for me. You know, I'm thinking like what I got into Ellen's comedy was big. Like, you know, we're talking about the eighties. Like I knew all of George Carlin's routines back to front.

I don't know. There's a lot. I mean, I babysitters club. No, but I'm thinking like adult things that actually people still yeah think about talk about like um I used to listen I remember that I would watch tough comedy jam my mother there was a big thing in my house where my mom was like

you cannot see Eddie Murphy raw I could watch anything I mean truly there and I had a tv in my room so I remember watching like kids on mute like being like but like as a kid I was like okay but um didn't even matter that it was on mute no I know you got it or like even Welcome to the Dollhouse that was a fucked up movie like there were a lot of like really dark things I miss the 90s a lot I mean there was like a lot of good stuff that came out then but

um but I remember my mom was like you cannot watch Eddie Murphy Raw and I remember thinking or listen to Andrew Dice Clay's tape that was the other big thing. But in the meantime, I would sit with my parents in the living room, watching deaf comedy, jam,

pussy jokes, dick jokes, everything. And like, no issue. Like never like mish mish, like get out of the room. It was like,

Oh shit. His dick's so small. Like, I mean, Adele Givens, I think, Oh my God, forget it.

Like, Oh my God, we used to die laughing. And then, but raw was off the table. And then one day, I remember I was like old at that point and i remember thinking it was like you know so sacrilegious and i watched it and i was like this is less dirty than the shit that i was watching with my parents wow that's how it went a lot like they wouldn't my parents

wouldn't let me watch uh south park i think because the because the mainstream was telling them this is bad this is something you don't let your kids watch. And they very much fell into that. But at night, remember when Howard Stern was on E? They had televised the show. I'd be watching that all the time. He'd be having women come in like, all right, show me this, this, this. And it was so much worse.

And I had the television in my room. Yeah. Oh, you had to go in on that. You had to use it in your room. No. Anna Nicole Smith show and then Howard Stern. I would watch it every single night. Anna Nicole, my idol.

Your idol. Who inspired my looks tonight. I'm not even joking. Look at this. Remember my favorite thing ever. But yeah, I don't know. That all makes sense. That all sort of...

But what is that about kids wanting to... Just like there's this calling, there's this pull towards things that are not appropriate for your age. Because you're looking for the next thrill I guess like that's what happens when you're in like a little box it's like it's like when you're eating lunch when I was in elementary school we'd eat lunch and they wouldn't let us get up to talk to each

other really in elementary school public school yeah public school they would they would keep us at our tables and they say you can get up to go buy a snack at the end and then you have to sit right back down And it's like It's like the keepers I'm watching as we speak

But the thing is like I didn't want to get up I was with people I wanted to talk to But then like when they're telling you you can't get up All you want to do is run the fuck around Hello that is why I had behavioral problems Because I never shut the fuck up Growing up i mean it makes sense now that you see how i turned out that this is like who i am but i mean i would get in trouble to the point that i got in so much

trouble in the first grade that my parents called the principal and they skipped me a grade oh my i skipped a grade because you were so talking I talked, you know what it was? My kindergarten, and I was also very tall. My joke being this bitch too big, like move her out. But no, my parents, I remember that in kindergarten, I had a teacher, Miss Eileen, shout out. She was wonderful. Miss Eileen. Come on, Eileen.

She used to- Common, it was beyond. That's funny. She used to pull me aside and teach me separately from the other kids because she saw a spark within me. Love those teachers. Who doesn't? Yeah.

And so when I got to the first grade, it was like how many hammers in the box or whatever i remember this question specifically and i was like three like this is so dumb how dare they and a weekend they tested me and they want i know this is like such a bragging show i'm like not this person but it's fun to remember no do it i am this person um they they were like oh we want to move her to the third grade. Wow. Instead of, not second even. And my mom was like, no, we don't want to make a freak. Meanwhile, they moved me to second and it did not even matter because it was like, already I didn't know anyone.

You know, it was like brand new. Yeah. Why did I bring up? You were already writing in script. No, please. Torah scrolls of poetry. You don't even know me back then. I was, I had everything.

I had everything. I was a big, I was very verbal as well. Did you curse a lot when you were little? Oh my god, of course. They sent a note home with my parents in kindergarten. Go on. It was math, and they were just like, this is a note that says you're doing really well in class. Give it to your mother. Really? And I was like, hell yeah.

Where are you from? Long Island. We're in Long Island. Suffolk County, so I slip. Oh, I love I slip. I know the train station. Yes, very much. We're right in the middle of Long Island, so we're on the So I slip. Oh, I love I slip. I know the train station. Yes, very much. We're right in the middle of Long Island. So we're on the weather map. It is our little claim to fame. How about that?

So great. So one second. One second. He's so full of himself. No, I'm joking. We were on the weather map. You know us. You've heard.

But they I was using three words, damn, hell and ass. And I was giving the finger. Wow. I don't think I knew much more. But they sent a note home, and they were like, this is what he's doing, and he won't stop. The punitive thing was the note. For me, they sent me home early because I said the word ass one day. How old?

Fourth grade. Wow, that's not even that bad. I was five, six. I think literally I just didn't know what it was that I was saying. Right, right, right. I got in trouble once. This is so fun. I could talk about it.

Is this what the podcast is? Basically, yes. I got in trouble once because someone passed me a note. I don't remember what grade. I was also like five or six, I remember. And I passed it back and my teacher called my mom or whatever and apparently someone called me a bitch. And my mom was like, did you call someone a bitch?

And I said, no. She called me a bitch and she didn't even spell it right. So I had to fix it. And my mom was like, did you call someone a bitch? And I said, no. She called me a bitch. And she didn't even spell it right. So I had to fix it. And I was so annoyed. I was like a grand monopsy. I was so gifted. I was very gifted.

You spelled it wrong, bitch. I can't help it. I cannot help my gift. So anyway, so yeah. No, this is real. This is not an elementary school. But for real, I was suspended for five days freshman year of high school. ISS or OSS?

Huh? Out of school suspension? Out of school suspension. Here's what happened. The big one. Freshman year. It's May. School's about to end.

Yearbooks come out. Oh, shit. I go up to my friend Ashley and I'm like, let me sign your yearbook. And at this point, I wasn't out yet, but I was absolutely that horrid oh yeah poisonously faggish like like like a guy who's just like yeah that's the name of this podcast right yeah i just want to make sure yeah poisonously yeah so um if it's the title i'm not mad good good luck with your conscience typing that out though so i take her yearbook and then i write pf janks wait was that what you said i just said that i'm sorry i just thought at pf okay um so then i write in her yearbook hey ashley can't wait to fuck all summer long bye

and then so i go so then that night that night i go to my violin lesson no you and i i played it too violin yes oh my god clarinet don't touch us wait go on i'm sorry woodwinds no um I come home from my violin lesson I'm practically a prodigy um but I come home and then there's 20 there's 20 missed calls from the same number so then finally we call this number back and it's this

just like just think of like the mother the what no the whitest state senator you could possibly just imagine just imagine that timbre of voice i'm picturing someone like hot no no like a real hot asshole old old old asshole who's like right exactly he goes is this bowen yang and i go yes and he goes well i've been sitting here by the phone all night because there are a lot of yangs in the phone book wow and then he goes and then he proceeds to say then he proceeds to say this is ashley's stepfather oh i read what

you wrote in her yearbook this is sexual harassment i will have you expelled and i was terrified couldn't really explain this to my mom. To your parents, yeah. And then finally, like, the next day, like, the dean fucking calls me into her office, is like, okay, well, what we can do, like, what we have to do, because he's, like, putting, like, some heat on us, is we have to suspend you for five days out of school

for sexual harassment. Wow. And so I had to write about this in my college applications senior year. Oh, my God. So anyway. Wait, like, meaning you had to let the college. Yeah.

I had to be like, this is what happened. Did you go to NYU also? Went to NYU too. It was fine. I filled my statistics class and I almost didn't get in. They almost didn't let me. Might as well have been a failed statistic. That's like the blemish on my thing.

But anyway. So then like the dean calls up my mom to like tell her like I've been suspended for five days. And my mom is just and my mom was just like, OK, yeah. And then maybe she didn't fully understand it. And so the dean just goes, yes, it's very serious. Like she like she could tell that my mom wasn't fully getting what was happening. And then my mom picks me up from school and she was surprised.

Like my parents were both surprisingly like super cool about it and just like laughed at how stupid this was that's kind of amazing that's insane because that's not like that's not what the vibe is otherwise with his parents absolutely did they know at the time who you were no that and thank you for phrasing it that way but no they did not and but it was just like for them it must have been this

like relief that I was attracted to girls which is so funny they were probably so excited right right right so then kind of a dark twist I was like happy and I'm like that was like relief that I was attracted to girls which is so funny so excited right right right so then kind of a dark twist I was like happy and I'm like that was like the cover I was hiding behind but guys if that happened today I would have called the presses I've been like this homophobia must stop it's an attack on humor five days off school and it was fine and it was I like laughed like even then I was just like laughing at how ridiculous it was but I was worried about colleges it's funny because there was OSS and ISS like I like laughed like even then I was just like laughing at how ridiculous it was but I was worried about colleges

it's funny because there was OSS and ISS like I said out of school suspension and in school suspension and in school suspension was like the one that was not as bad it was like all day detention yeah it was like all day detention which who wants that bullshit but if you're OSS you can like it's why it rhymes with ISIS

yeah it's why it rhymes with ISIS they were planting it even then. But like out of school suspension, you can go to the cinema, honey. You can go get a drink. My school in Miami, North Miami Beach High School, which is now a public school. I would call it inner city back then. And now it's like a W Hotel. It's full.

No, opposite. It's like very segregated. Miami high schools are very segregated, like the world, let It's full. No opposite. It's like very segregated. Miami high schools are very segregated. Like, like the world. Let's be honest. Yeah.

Come on. They like redrew the lines. So now like all the white kids who went to school there are now at like this other high school. And it's just interesting how that worked out. But why did I bring it up? Because we were across from the black mall and I used to, I loved them all.

There was a Marshall's there. Forget it. Every day. I was like, Auntie Anne's Marshall's every day at noon. I was was like Auntie Anne's Marshall's until I got a car my senior year because again I was so young because I S to G um the point is uh wait I had I got in trouble too though a lot in school but like for talking and just yeah like for I forged a signature on a Schindler's List permission form. Did that end up?

You decided to. Can we talk about the ad on my thing? No. Okay. Okay, great. Do we want to save it? No. I'll tell it.

We can talk about it. Great. I mean, I may tell it at my show also on Wednesday, but. That's hilarious. Oh, I also have a live show Wednesday. Yes, yes. June 14th. June 14th at UCB Chelsea. Yes.

$7. MagicMeshXXL. Yeah. Same day this episode is going to come out, you guys. Oh, really? So today, as you're listening to this, you can go see Michelle tonight. In Chelsea tonight. Yeah, it's a really fun show.

I do a reading of certain Sarah Jessica Parker emails. I can't get into it, but it's real and it's amazing. That she sent to you? Can't get into it. Yeah, you won't get into it. Guys, go to the show. This fall on Bravo. It's time to turn up.

Think you've seen it all? I don't think you've been a good friend to me lately. We're friends like that. Who needs enemies? You ain't seen nothing yet. Cheers to being Germanic. With the Real Housewives of Potomac. Oh my gosh, can I take this in?

It's gonna be amazing. New York City. Everyone is a gossip. No one gets a happier life. Salt Lake City. We don't wear costumes, we wear fashion. And below deck sailing out. You broke the rules and now you're here getting upset.

Watch all new seasons on Bravo or stream it on on city tv plus i'm julian edelman i'm rob grankowski guess what folks we're teammates again and we're gonna welcome you guys all to dudes on dudes i'm a dude you're a dude and dudes on dudes is our brand new show. We're going to highlight players, peers, guys that we played against, legends from the past, and we're just going to sit here and talk about them. And we'll get into the types of dudes. What kind of types of dudes are there, Gronk? We got studs, wizards. We got freaks.

Or dudes, dude. We got dogs. Dogs. We'll break down their games. We'll share some insider stories and determine what kind of dude each of these dudes are. Is Randy Moss a stud or a freak? Is Tom Brady a dog or a dude's dude? We're going to find out, Jules.

New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, a five-year-old boy floated alone in the ocean. He had lost his mother trying to reach Florida from Cuba. He looked like a little angel. I mean, he looked so fresh. And his name, Elian Gonzalez, will make headlines everywhere. Elian Gonzalez. Elian.

Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian Gonzalez. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian Gonzalez. At the heart of the story is a young boy and the question of who he belongs with. His father in Cuba. Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him.

Or his relatives in Miami. Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. At the heart of it all is still this painful family separation. Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. At the heart of it all is still this painful family separation. Something that as a Cuban, I know all too well. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story, as part of the My Cultura podcast network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll.

This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. We talk about guilt, shame, body image, and huge life transformations. I was a desperate, delusional dreamer, and the desperate part got me in a lot of trouble.

I encourage delusional dreamers. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate, delusional dreamer. I just had such an anger. I was just so mad at life. Everything that wasn't right was everybody's fault, but mine, I had such a victim mentality. I took zero accountability for anything in my life.

I was the kid that if you asked what happened, I immediately started with everything but me. It took years for me to break that, like years of work. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. Go to the shower. No, but anyways, it happened to me once in school

where we were going to watch Schindler's List. Now, obviously, not only am I Jewish, I come from the loins of survivors of the Holocaust. All for every loin that helped inseminate me survived the camps. That's no lie. And some didn't,

like from the other things. But anyways. So of course I had seen Schindler's List. It's the kind of movie, it's like Babadook style. Like once is enough. I don't need to sit through the Babadook again. Or even the 40 minute like primer that I watched today. But no, so it's like when you see Schindler's List once, it's like, oh my God, Red Coat, The Ring.

It's like, I can't do it again. And I was in the eighth grade. So I had this teacher named Mrs. Morris. Don't know if she's living or dead.'t want to know we don't care she was my cousin supposedly which was surprising because she looked like the tootsie roll owl you know the one who's like how many licks mrs morris okay so anyway she was very cruel to me i have no issues talking shit about her now but she's for sure listening to this by the way i'm sure she's like always been very supportive of my career and i'm like and she can fuck off and you know what she's for sure listening to this. I'm sure she's like always been very supportive of my career. And I'm like, and she can fuck off. And you know what?

She's family and we still hear this. I don't know how she's family. We look zero alike. But wait. I see no owl before me. Do I look like an owl? No. So anyway, so she, I look like I do have bird-like qualities, but not an owl. Like Van Helsing. I'm very

attracted to men who look like birds. My actually my best friend has noticed this about me. Small men. Small bird like men. No, like tall, like Sam the Eagle, like eagle headed. Oh, Sam the Eagle. Okay. I took Sam the Eagle.

In a minute. Hottest, hottest Muppet. Hottest Muppet. I'm high fiving you. Don't leave my wing hanging. Probably a beast in bed. Probably pins you down. Sam the Eagle would peck the shit out of you.

Are you kidding me? It would be like in like Tales from the Crypt, like bloodied eyes. Yes. Like hollowed out skull. I would love every second. Anyway, so back to me. I'd fuck Fozzie. No.

I'd fuck Beaker. I'd fuck Fozzie. You want to know why? Because sometimes, sometimes those guys have a freaky side those guys I bet you Fawzi I bet you Fawzi

has a big dick for real though for sure he's like Seth Rogen although I don't think Seth Rogen does necessarily but there's something about Fawzi the confidence there

the tiny bowler hat means I'd fuck the scientist too you'd fuck the scientist no which one because you know Beaker is like his little slave

Beaker's hot the scientist I do love bald guys with glasses. So that's where I call them Bs and Gs. So it's kind of funny. I feel like the scientist like knows the human body. No, but the scientist had like no eyeballs. He just had glasses. I think he was Asian.

If he took his glasses. I think he was Asian. Is that true? He wasn't. He had like jaundiced skin. No, he was Asian. Oh, he was green. Practically jaundiced.

Do you know that I once called Kesha Dr. Teeth to her face? No! I can't get into it. She's had a tough week. Can I get some more wine? Has she had a tough week because of Jerry Seinfeld? Yeah. Okay, can I tell you something? I've said on this podcast, Jerry Seinfeld has also refused to shake my hand.

Well, let me tell you something. I will be a supporter and defender of Jerry Seinfeld until they bury my skull. And also, I'm obsessed with his wife, Jessica Seinfeld. Jessica Seinfeld. I love her. She's my Gwyneth. I'm like, Gwyneth is like an imitator.

Don't go there with me. I love Jessica Seinfeld. I think she's super funny. She's real. She gets it. But she's also healthy. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever.

Gwyneth is the Gentile Jessica. Who is? Gwyneth is the gentile jessica anyway you don't even like humorless to me i don't know maybe not okay okay i'm sorry i would be friends with literally anybody you know that all right if gwyneth was like mish let's get drinks i'd be like i am so lucky like absolutely wants to be my friend so i'm lying to everyone right now absolutely anywho okay i have a good gwyneth drink story after this oh i like that oh how long are we here for I'll be here all night oh we have so much time so listen so Schindler yes yeah so she goes she goes oh um you need to get we were gonna watch it in Mrs. Morris the Owls class and she goes you need to

get this permission slip signed and I was like oh so she gives it to me I never got shit signed I used to get progress reports my parents were like yeah my mother used to have to come in for meetings about my conduct once a month because I did not shut up. Yeah. And actually I remember that in, in Mrs. Morris's class,

I got an a in my subject, a one in effort and an F in conduct. And my mom was like, how can I be mad at you? If you're talking through the class and you still got an a, she's like, keep it up girl. Like,

you know, how can she discipline me over that? But also my, I am my mother's daughter. The point is we get this permission slip. I, I forget up, girl. Like, you know, how can she discipline me over that? But also, I am my mother's daughter. The point is, we get this permission slip. I forget. I don't even, it's like my parents give a fucking shit that I'm going to watch Schindler's List. Yeah, me too. So anyway, so I have it in my backpack.

And so I forget. So Mrs. Cone, who is Mrs. Morris's like kind of lousy teacher's assistant. Oh yeah, 100%. Like a lot of turquoise, st shaved blonde hair basically came in and was like um literally how she said it oh wow mrs morris needs her slip and i was like oh my god my slip so i took it out all crumbled for my bag scrawled like robert de niro in awakenings like scrawled fucking lying down in plain sight literally i I mean, I'm broad shouldered. So I cranked around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I jeopardy walled it with my body. And then I gave it to Mrs. Cone. Not five minutes past. Mrs. Cone's like, oh, Michelle, I was like, oh, here we go. Oh, no.

She goes, Michelle, I was comparing this Schindler's List permission slip to your progress report and the signatures do not even match. Did you forge this? And I went, I did. Like, why does it matter? She goes, you know what, Michelle? I know that you've probably seen Schindler's List already, but as punishment, I'm not going to allow you to watch

Schindler's List. I was like, this is the best. There's some loop there that does not there's some weird like so I went to the she was like go to the library I had to like write some paper about like the liberation I you know how it is I was like as the boots marched across Europe

I start every speech with every essay it didn't matter if it was about geometry I'd be like as the boots stomped across the European plain anyway so I turned it in and then it was such a great paper apparently that i got extra credit and i got an a that semester and i wasn't a good student i'm not bragging i was not an a student i got into barnard because i was a speech and debater there you go national i used to get second to josh gad that's my claim

to fame so josh gad was the best speech and debater? And I was second, yeah. Oh, fuck Josh Gad. You beat, no. Come on, I'm not afraid to say this. He was better than me in speech and debate, I will say. Did you ever debate him directly? It wasn't debate.

It was like acting. I knew him. We used to go to camp together. And then, well, whatever. That's a whole other story. But yeah, but he was nice. But anyways, the point is he would always get first. And then my senior year, I panicked because I needed the big trophy.

So I changed events completely. And then my senior year, I panicked because I needed the big trophy. So I changed events completely. And I won. I did extemporaneous for a hot second and I sucked at it. Did you? I could see you being good. No, I was so bad at it. I just did not want to fucking clip newspaper articles for five hours a week. You didn't have to.

I did it once and I quoted the same quote from a Jeep ad on the back of Time magazine, which was Oliver Wendell Holmes often said, it is not so much the speed in which you are going, but the direction. And in the case of America, the direction is directly down the toilet. I ended every speech that way. I made it to nationals. You're a natural at this. That's amazing. Guys, we're going to take a little break.

What? We have to take a short break? But my childhood. Oh, no. Is that what this is about? No, do your thing. Do your thing. It's fine.

We're going to be right back with Michelle Collins. What a rollicking ride. We love this. We'll be right back after a brief message. Bitch, I hope that you're sitting down at this moment. Yes. Because I'm about to give you something. It's a little bit of an offer.

It's a little offer. And you're going to want to take advantage of this yeah okay for you the listeners of lost culture recess and thank you so much for listening casper is offering 50 towards any mattress purchase at casper.com you gotta take advantage of this yes the casper mattress is an obsessively engineered mattress bitch at a shockingly fair price okay Okay. It's got the right sink. It's got the right bounce because it's made up of two technologies. It's latex foam and memory foam. It's now the most awarded mattress of the decade.

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Such a good deal. And they have a frame called Bowen and it comes in many colors. Oh my god. I love it so much. Do you have the Bowen glasses? I don't, but I should, right? I mean, you should at least get them to try them on for five days for free. Thank you. Get opinions on them. Great idea. They make buying glasses online easy and risk-free because

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This is obviously an amazing company. Get Katrina to try on some glasses. I told my mom about this deal today, and she could not believe it. She couldn't? This is obviously an amazing company. Get Katrina to try on some glasses. I will, I think. I think she could slay in some frames, honey. She does, on the daily. On the daily, honey. All you moms out there that listen to Las Culturistas, get yourself a pair of Warby Park.

And hey, once the surge in the market just goes crazy towards moms, Warby Parker will have us to thank. To get your free home try on today go to warbyparkertrial.com forward slash las culturistas again write this down bitch that's www.warbyparkertrial.com forward slash las culturistas for your free five-day home try on all right that's enough of. Let's go back to the show. Come on. Hi.

Hi. How's it going? We're here with Michelle Collins. You were just treated to a little bit of an offer. Yes. What's the offer? Casper mattress. Oh, I sleep on one. And you like it. Love it. Yeah, it's only the finest. It's like a big kitchen sponge. It's the best. With support. I fucks with that. Two kinds of foam.

Memory foam and what's the other one? Latex. Latex foam. Am I going to make money for saying that I sleep in a castle? Absolutely. We're sending you a check for $1,000. I hope that's true. No, but go on.

Yes, I do like mine. Okay, so listen. Here's the deal, guys. I actually, and Bowen, really, this is true for you as well. We had never seen an episode. I had never seen an episode of The Bachelor or Bachelorette ever. Wow. Never, Michelle.

Now, let me, can I ask you a question? Is that because, because I find sometimes with certain shows, I'm so out of the loop on it that the idea of like, it's like double dutch. The idea of getting in the ropes of it intimidates me. Is that how you were? It was a little bit that because I've heard about the world being so expansive and the way people commit to it is so crazy that I know it takes a piece of you. It does.

And it's a long show. Yes. Two hours a week. And I also, I have a lot of other shows that I do that with. But the thing is, like, I think what it was to me was I was like, I'm not going to allow myself to actually enjoy that because I know it's quote unquote fake or because I know it's quote unquote like basic or whatever. Like I had judgments on it.

I get it. But now after watching it, oh my God, I'm obsessed. It's working unquote like basic or whatever. Like I had judgments on it. I get it. But now after watching it, oh my God, I'm obsessed. It's really good. Because all those things aren't, they're not untrue, but it's also part of it. It's like, you know that it, I go into it knowing a lot of it is set up and actually it's hard for me sometimes to separate, you know, I don't know how that show is made at all. I'm a fan.

Like I, well, why would I know? I mean, I, I worked on, you know, the after show last summer, but it was as really just a lover of the franchise. And so, and a comedian and a host, I got very lucky. It was like probably the best job I've ever had. It's going to be honest. It was awesome. But I don't know any more about the production.

It's just watching it through like a lens of like, okay, like how did they not know this person was this way? Or like certain things that are, I think that even very savvy viewers know is fake. They do on purpose because they, the people who make that show are very smart and very savvy and they really get what America wants as crazy as that sounds. Yeah,

no, a hundred percent. And the thing with this season is Rachel's a fucking star. She's a star. Yeah. And that's the thing is actually when, when it was announced that she was the thing with this season is Rachel's a fucking star. She's a star. And that's the thing is actually when it was announced that she was The Bachelorette and I kind of like, I'll peek into like whatever people are saying about the show every now and then just so I know like what's up. Because sometimes it would just totally dominate the conversation on like Facebook or whatever

or whatever on the late night shows. Like it felt like it was all they were talking about. And I was like, this is something I'm really not in tune with. It's a blind spot really not in the blind spot yeah so i watched a few interviews with rachel whatever i thought she was so cool i thought it was very cool that she was the first black bachelorette i wanted to support that and then honestly watching the show today like she's really something else like she's a star she knows when to turn certain things on and when to like, just the whole her going into the locker room after DeMario was like such a beautiful moment. I think that's such a thing about the show that I've never really gotten on board with

is like, I'm supposed to believe that all these people fall head over heels for this one person. And sometimes I feel like I'll see The Bachelor and I'll be like, that guy's a fucking dud. But with her, it's like, I think the reason why this season is working and I think it is working is because I buy that everyone wants to marry that girl. Yeah. Well, she's like razor sharp. Yeah.

When she gets angry, I'm scared for myself. I'm like, oh, my God. Like she's so smart and like just has her facts in order and comes for you. And it's like very impressive to me. I got to say she laughs a lot, which is my one. I love her laugh. I do think she laughs a lot.

She's a bit generous with it. It's generous with it, which is fine. But I actually, she's so charming without that. Like I just feel like she doesn't need to rely on her laughing all the time or maybe that's just how they put the show together too but you know there it comes

to a point where I'm like oh my God I just thought she would laugh like a little less and I love and I literally thrive off of laughter yeah yeah yeah that's interesting that's my only literally the one quirk that I found with her but I love her I think she's beautiful she's the guys adore her the guys I also have to say though

as a woman with a Y the guys are probably the hottest group of guys that that show has assembled maybe ever it's pretty amazing pretty wild yeah like today when they were I was watching it today I just watched the third episode and they were all mud wrestling

and I was like not not a dud in this bunch. No, no, no. Kenny is hot as shit. Well, Peter is hot as... Peter is... Number one. My number one. Peter, number one.

Let's class around. Let me look at Peter. Now, Peter, picture Viggo Mortensen like somehow hotter. Oh, gap tooth guy. That little fucked up nose. I love it. And I love that conversation.

His body, his height. I'm literally like, what the fuck is going on here? I get upset's so hot you know someone's so handsome guys you know what i mean frustrated you know when someone's so hot yeah that's what it is if it's so hot then i'm like how how could he yeah now see what i love about peter though is his face is a little fuck his nose is just a little fuck he's so gorgeous we like this so beautiful and also i'll tell you who else I like. Go on. Brian, the Colombian guy who made out with her straight away.

Wow, I am really upset with you. Really? I thought his sexual energy was so overpowering. That's sad. You need to go first. The Brian kiss in the first episode. It was a sloppy kiss. I'll say that. Viscerally made me want to vomit.

It was assault. It was assault. The Keepers 2. The Keepers 2. I love it. I'm only bringing up The Keepers because I literally spent all day watching it. And it's in my mind. While we're talking about all this bullshit, I'm like, oh my God. The Keepers. The Keepers 2. The Keepers 2. I'm only bringing up The Keepers because I literally spent all day watching it. And it's in my mind. While we're talking about all this bullshit, I'm like, oh my God.

The Keepers. The Keepers. When can I get home? What? Truly. But anyways. Brian, here's my issue with Brian. Let me just say quickly.

Go, go, go, go. And I said this on Fresh Batch, my podcast. What days will those come out? Tuesday. They come out Tuesdays. And sometimes Wednesdays. Also, my live shows are part of it. There's only three out at the moment. You really should listen to it. And it's, oh my God, it's free.

But anyways, the point is this. Now, I have said on my podcast that Brian, he's from Miami Beach, born and raised in Miami. He's hyper Miami to me, which to me is like, it's like getting sprayed in the face with raid. I'm just like, I don't want it. But then also, let me add that he has had so much work done he he's have you not noticed that i'm sorry maybe i'm

pretty awful at noticing the cheek the cheek okay now that i'm thinking about the cheekbones yeah and to me and he also does his eyebrows in a serious way and it reads very feminine to me and it's just he's got listen he's got a killer body he's a handsome he's tall he's confident when he goes in for those kisses i mean she like i read it i read a comment online it's like she's wet and i'm like it's something i would never say because i'm educated and i'm very classy but every time he makes out with her i'm like she is like i can't not think that because it's true like she melts with him but i have to tell you that I really, really do not like him. He really not Another deal breaker about him? He's a chiropractor.

Why is that a deal breaker? Because most of them are quacks. You mean cracks. Quack your back. But anyways, quack your back is a great chiropractor practice name. I'll quack your back.

I love that. 100%. Okay like a duck with this thing. I love that. A hundred percent. Okay. So those two I like, I think Kenny will go far, but I don't think that Kenny will win because I think that it will be a late in series kind of reveal and struggle for her that she's not ready for the kid. Well, also I think, and I'm going to say the kid.

That's right. And the kid is old. She's so cute. No, but here's the thing. She's his height And she's Basically developed And she's 10 years old Well that's kids today I'll tell you something

I was a very developed Young girl And I mean I used to get hit on In the clearance aisle At Barnes and Noble When I was 9 But anyway

Thank God for the clearance aisle Can't wait to get back To the keepers Let me just put that out No I'm kidding By the way let me warn people Listening It is a And I Thank God for that Was never touched inappropriately Although I did once in tile. Can't wait to get back to the keepers. Let me just put that out there. I'm kidding. By the way, let me warn people listening. And I thank God for that. It was never touched

inappropriately. Although I did once. I was thinking about it watching the show. Let's get back to my childhood. Please. My driver's ed teacher, whose name I'm forgetting. Oh my God. I won't even describe him, but Bill Cosby wearing Kazal frames. He one time held

my hand and went for a walk with me. That's like the closest I was like 15. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. Well, it's fine. But I mean, it's also like,

I mean, but isn't that horrible? And he had like dinosaur hands. They were like hard and scaly, but I was, and I was thinking, and I held it. I didn't pull it away.

I mean, now I'd be like, the fuck are you doing? But then I was like, I don't know. Like, what do I do? Yeah.

My driver's ed teacher was named Jeff. He made us call him Lil Jeffy. That's hot. I like that. In his glove compartment, he was four foot six and upwards of three. Yeah, yeah. So he was a... Lil Jeffy.

Lil Jeffy. And he had a voice like this Lil Jeffy yes and then he took out of his glove compartment a picture of like porn stars and he said

that's my girlfriend right there that's my girlfriend then we were on driving on Sunrise Highway he made us drive over 100 miles per hour wow what

and you're a high school teacher or like a private school place this was a separate place where you had to take drivers out of the island it's St. Anthony's place where you had to take drivers out of St. Anthony's and I'm going to put them on blast at St.

Anthony's at least in 2007 2008. This was happening when I was taking my drive. No 2006. So he had us go over 100 miles per hour. He's like you need to

know what's wrong so you can do what I'm wet for a little Jeffy. I'm as wet as Rachel for Brian. You are not a little Jeffy. And then he would say racial slurs as we were driving.

He's a Lee. He did everything wrong. He's not a Lee. What do you think about this Lee is racist stuff? I have thought that Lee has racist eyes since the day I locked in on him. Lee has a racist face. I'm sorry. He looks racist.

He looks like a fucking racist. He's got a drunk face Here's my beef with the show Those people are all so fucked up You think at all times You know who I do like is Dean Dean's so hot Dean's very much my type

You're like a fucking seal You know what my type is like hot as shit That's why I'm alone They like don't look at me I'll tell you that I'm like I like hot as shit but's why i'm alone they like don't look at me i'll tell you that i mean i'm like i like hot as shit but let's talk about i mean that man because i'm gonna be married you know what here's the deal with dean dean dean hot i love dean eyes slippery like a seal and he also redeemed himself when he kissed her he made love to her yeah let me say something

touch my finger et style gross yes he was really kissing her he went for it okay you know who wasn't a good kisser who's also hot who meanwhile i get up and it's like just like the russian yes yeah alex alex is fucking hot he's hot and he but he and his moves oh like this does this mean have joints? Or is it just loose bones? They stripped on Ellen. Bowen hasn't seen this yet. I haven't seen episode three yet, but yeah. Okay, they stripped on Ellen, and he was going for it, like, Magic Mike style.

Love it. And literally, literally, though. He made a grandmother come. He did. It was too much. For me, it was a little Zac Efron in Baywatch, where his body's a little too a little too roided out it's too much but then did you notice and this is what I thought was so interesting is that when she kissed him he didn't give her the Brian because I have to hand it to you that Brian took a running start oh no no no no I find him physically but like I

admit that the guy went and his kissing that first episode truly made. Aggressive. I was like bodies exhibit watching it. I was like, my skin went away. I was all eyeballs and veins. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Embalmed in China. Apparently they're all Chinese people. But anyways. No.

Apparently. It's true. It's true. No, but I have to say. But no, Alex is a bad kisser. Bad. He was really stiff in that make out. And I have to say it but no, Alex is a bad kisser. Bad. He was really stiff in that make out. And I have to say, it ruined him for me a little bit.

He's too much. He's not going to win. No, but I do like him still. If Alex looked at me like, you know that my whole, my fetish is walking the streets of New York and like staring at people. And if Alex passed me and like looked at me, I would have to take the train home if you follow me. Like, I get you. I get you.

What do we think of... She spent a whole date with this guy Anthony. I thought there was nothing there. First of all, I didn't like his short sleeve button down shirt. I never liked that look. I'm sorry. I made sure that no one here is wearing it. You actually have one on, but it's different.

Can I say something? It's not great. I love you. You're so handsome. He is hot. I like that shirt. I don't like a vertical stripe. I don't like a vertical stripe. I just don't like short sleeve button downs on men.

I would prefer, I don't mind a polo. There's a difference. He's mad at me now. Like he never edits my show again. No, Joe's not mad. Joe, you know that I will cradle you forever, okay? I'm just saying, but a polo or do a full button down with a rolled sleeve. Yeah. That is like pornography. But straight guys think that's too gay. They think that's too gay. you forever okay i'm just saying but a polo or do a full button down with a rolled sleeve yeah

that is like pornography but straight guys think that's too gay they think that's too gay straight to me it's as straight as it gets the rolled up sleeve ah yes the extra effort makes it look too gay and they know that because they still hate themselves to me it's very obama it's very like i'm gonna roll these up i'm gonna get into work no let me tell you something that when anthony showed up in that short sleeve button, I actually know gay guys who wear that and who think it's cool. It's not though. I don't like it.

Am I wrong? Am I an asshole? I don't dress great. Well, Anthony did and I still thought he looked weird. Let me say something that makes me laugh if I may, just so you know where I come from. I'm like, I don't like short sleeve button down shirt meanwhile I dress literally every day in the same husky skinny jean from Asa's like

men do not think I dress well so like I'm an asshole is what I'm saying like I will walk up like sixth avenue and see how to shoot guys in their suits and be like oh my god like where are they going after work like I want to go to these bars meanwhile i'm in like a long t-shirt dress with jeans and like sneaks no socks being like is this how the guys like me to look like i should be in a pencil skirt like crop top belly out no no no no you know it's not that prescribed i have this in housing right now of what is attractive my van housing look you like guys do not think this is a good looking look and i love it I think it's good. It's chic as hell.

It's clean. It is chic. I don't know. I guess I've never thought about that. It's sheer here. Yes, I love it. Looking through the eyes of straight men, what do they think is attractive? They want women.

I know because of my guru in life, Patti Stanger. Straight men want like a bandage dress and heels. And the problem with me is I'm six foot one. If I put heels on, I also can't roller blade for the record. If I put heels on, I'm six foot one if I put heels on I also can't roller blade for the record if I put heels on it's I'm six foot six yeah and then if and also I'm not like stick skinny or skinny or slim or normal right so the problem is I can't be in a bandage dress because literally it looks like I mean I look like I'm working the corner I don't even know it's not like a good look on me I look like a hooker is a pimps up hose down you like, I mean, I look like I'm working the corn. I don't even know. It's not like a good look on me. I look like a hooker is a pimps up,

hose down. You know what I mean? So I like whatever. I'm just saying a lot of stuff. Yeah. And if I'm in an airline, then I look like a little boat peep. Like,

cause you know, a tall girl has different things. If I was skinny, forget it. I wouldn't even be here right now. I'd be in my penthouse apartment. If I was fit for, Oh please.

I'm telling you, I'm like 50 pounds away from being so rich and successful and i something in me refuses to let that happen i'm i'm i feel the same way about like getting bigger me i feel the same i feel like a scrawny bitch but like what what is it about us that but then i think that people who are like that are like not normal either so i'm like well it's because we'd rather put win it's because you know what michelle we're putting effort into the work let me tell you something putting our hours my brain is my brain works out every day and i memorize things i the steps there the steps my brain is logging bitch you were my brain sjp emails oh you don't even know about those sjp

emails if you want to know about this is like a great plug. Seriously. And I, you know that I love her. It all comes from a good place, but just know this is an advance. They are so chic. You would Pellegrino burp die. Um, you need to come to my UCB show. I have emails from her.

I actually was like trying not to put it out there because I mean, I, I've done it a couple of times in the show, but I didn't want to like say it like in a public forum because there's so chic that I was like, she's going to get mad. I don't know her. Chic is not pejorative. Chic is great.

We expect chic from SGP. I'm on the record as saying that, love her to death, but Laura Dern's role in Big Little Lies should have gone to Sarah Jessica Parker. I think it would have been way more interesting. You know, can I tell you something? I think Reese should have gone to Sarah Jessica. That would have been great wow but I think about it

I think Reese nailed it though not a Reese you're not a Reese I don't mind her she's fine okay cool I love Laura Dern that's why I'm like I love Laura Dern Laura Dern is like my number one so that's why I'm like I'm not gonna if I have to recast someone it's not gonna be Zoe Kravitz it's not gonna be I liked

Shailene on it I thought she was great okay I actually thought she was I like Shailene too on the show the shade toward Shailene is not something I really like you've gone so back and forth on this I haven't I don't think that Shailene Woodley is deserving of any shade for her performance on Big Little Lies I thought she was good that she was naturalistic it was so

natural my one qualm with her was I thought she looked a little too young I agree and but however I thought she looked a little too young. Young, I agree. And, but, however, I mean... She did look young. She is 26 years old. It was a character. They should have cast me in it.

I would have been great. You would have. Me? Mm-hmm. As Shailene? The hot new housewife. Can you imagine? I roll in.

I want you running down the beach in a dress. Can you imagine Reese wanting to be my friend? LOL. That's a hilarious, that's a hilarious that's a hilarious like mind fuck for the day her instagram captivates me her stories are like so funny it's

like i'm in a good dress going to another event reese reese every instagram is like out of her purse remember when she like was like live gramming from her bag that was my favorite story ever hi rebecca i love you too she's not busy phillips like there's no busy phillips she's no busy Phillips like she's no busy Phillips she's no busy Phillips I aspire to be busy Phillips but we aspire to be busy Phillips I aspire to be busy have a best friend that takes me to all the Oscars

Michelle are you kidding me would you not love that I would love that the day that I'm invited to the real Oscars yes I will bring my best friend

not you guys no that's right you would kill the Oscars for a second in my mind I was like she's not gonna say she's gonna bring us no I just met you oh my god we have miles to go. You would kill the Oscars. For a second in my mind, I was like, she's not gonna say she's gonna bring us. No.

I just met you. Oh my god. If I ever host the Oscars, you can be my guest. Yes, thank you. Can we do a bit on the show? What would it be? What would our bit be? We'd have to present the makeup award and come up in some goofy makeup. You'd be like... Like Ben Stiller.

Came out as an avatar. Recently. By the way, that was funny. And recently single. Oh my gosh. Ben Stiller single? They an avatar. Recently. By the way, that was funny. And recently single. Oh, my gosh. Ben Stiller single? They're getting divorced. Oh, no. Oh, wow. You didn't know?

Really? What? I didn't know that. Christine Taylor from Hey, Dude. I love Christine. I love Christine Taylor. Wait, did you guys watch Nickelodeon? Yeah, 100%.

Because we're different ages. No, yeah, I watched Nickelodeon. I just didn't have cable. I watched 15, which was a Canadian show. I watched Hey Dude. Oh, my God. I'm like the oldest person in this room, and I'm not old. I don't think.

You're not. See, when I was younger, like the Nickelodeon shows were, honestly, it was like all that. And like Kenan and Kel. Never watched all that. See, that was like what was on. No, I never watched. Take me to my home, the hospital. If people are like, oh, like, why can we hear sirens?

It's because I am a very hot running Jew and I'm like I need the window open so that's why I like to give a little easter egg

for the people who listen this long is the window even open it doesn't matter it truly doesn't it truly doesn't wait anything else wait hold on

here's the thing so with Bachelorette oh go on now there's the question of this guy Josiah Josiah who I think is way extra thirsty thirsty boy So with Bachelorette Now there's the question of This guy Josiah

Who I think is way extra Thirsty boy I can't say anything about him I just feel bad for him I know that his backstory Is dark as can be And there's just something about him I agree with you

You think there might be something else I agree with you I know nothing I don't I know nothing literally like I don't talk to anyone everybody hates me okay no I'm joking but like no I um I don't know I can't a guy who has that kind of a backstory I can't say anything bad about I don't know okay no I'm actually very sensitive and nice no so I really am no no people don't think that about me but I am I'm very established what the guy this guy had he suffered a loss in his life of a family

member, correct? He cut his brother down from a tree. That was horrifying. Are you kidding me? I actually wouldn't say it on Fresh Batch, my new podcast, but. But on our podcast, you'll say it. I will, because it's not my own. Yeah.

But yeah, his backstory was about as dark. I mean, there was last season, on Nick's season, there was a girl, Russian girl, Christina, a very sweet girl, whose backstory was that she grew up starving in Russia and used to eat lipstick. And I was like, well, as long as it wasn't attached to a dog, I'll let it go. But I just feel, I mean, that was so horrible and gross. Edit that out. I'm serious.

That was horrible. No, genuinely do that. But no, but I mean, that was sad. But this is like two. It was actually, I was shocked they put it on the show because it's like a fun show. And then to have that, I'm like, if you're exploiting that, I want to just die. So I'm just going to assume that it's real.

It didn't seem, it didn't come off as exploitative to me. Why don't you like him? I don't like him because I think he's E X T R A extra. I think he's just wants it too bad. You see him sweating for it he's just like he's like i'm getting this this is mine i'm this is i'm this is 100 me me me me me i'm just like it just it feels like you know he was on the very first day he was one that pulled her over in the corner but i mean maybe that's just like sort of maybe i'm not being sensitive he's that's just

how he's programmed given his upbringing 100 that's what it is. Very happy to see Lucas gone. Come on. Oh, God. He was awful. And do you think the Blake E and Lucas thing, that was staged? No. Were they roommates? I'm running late for my wine date.

Oh, my God. Okay. Great. No, it's not a date. So do I think it was staged? No. You know who was weird also? It was Bryce, is his name?

Bryce. He's still in, though. Yeah. The guy, he's, what does he do? He's like an ambulance worker. He is a the fire. He's still in though. Yeah. The guy he's, what does he do? He's like an ambulance worker. He's a firefighter. Yeah. Or not an EMT,

right? No, no, no. He's a firefighter. Cause they made him dance on the bus. Yeah. Um,

great body, but there's something off about him too. I don't know what it is. I love firefighters. You know, when I see a fire, I risk life or death to watch the firefighters. I'm like,

Oh, I don't care if I'm sweating. Ooh, baby. They're wearing too much for me. I live right by a fire station. I can't be at. Which one?

In the Westville? No, Boreham Hill, Brooklyn. Oh, when I was in, I'm just like one quick thing is that there's a fire station to all the ladies and G's listening in the West village next to Anderson Cooper's.

Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Right. I think it's on West 10th or something. And their door is always open. And they're always in warmer weather. They're always outside. And I was walking by once with friends of mine who have a dog.

And they were all outside. So we like walked by. And they go, oh, hey, does your dog want a little meat treat? And I went, no, but I want a little meat treat. I said that to them. Did they give one to you? No. And then they were like, you know, we call a little meat treat. I said that to them. Did they give one to you? No. And then they were like, you know, we call him little meat treat.

And there was like a hot as shit short firefighter there. I was like, I'm engaged. That's the animation, right? It just made me laugh. Little meat treat always makes me laugh. Little meat treat. Anyways, that's it. That's my nickname.

Little meat treat. Guys, this was fun. Guys, this was really fun. Now, we have to do one more segment. We have to do one more thing. All right. And because I know you're running late for your wine date, but listen, it's not going to come at the expense

of the big segment at the end of the show. Oh my God. Okay, well let's get to it. Let's hurry the fuck up. We're going to hurry the fuck up. Go ahead, Bowen. It's called I Don't Think So, Honey. This is our centerpiece

that comes at the end of the show. Oh, good. It's a one minute screed against anything in culture. You just use the words I Don't Think So, Honey. No no no We'll do it first separately and then we'll go to you

You take one minute to fucking rant about something that's pissing you off In pop culture? In anything Like for example watch what I do Here this is Matt Rodgers I don't think so honey time starts now I don't think so honey fucking adults that order off the kids menu You're in your fucking 20s you're in your 30s you're in your 40s I don't care how fucking old you are,

you're not under 12, therefore you shouldn't get a fucking chicken tender off the meal and it says it on the goddamn thing. You know, I don't really care. I don't know if it's a financial thing for you. It's not because everyone that I serve in my restaurant,

bitch Brooklyn Crab, I deal with you. Do you own it? Go on. Sorry. No, but I have to talk about who owns it. Tell me later. So listen, here's the thing.

When I am fucking serving you and you look at me and you say you want chicken tenders, I don't take you seriously as a person. So then if I run into you out on the street, you are going to be to me the chicken tenders girl. To me, it's like, did your palate never expand? Did you never grow up? Or are you just cheap? Are you just ordering because it's like it's like did your palate never expand did you never grow up or are you just cheap are you just ordering because it's six dollars because either way you're really bumming down my guest average and my tip is going to be very low five seconds so when you come to a restaurant order something age appropriate i don't think so honey and that's one minute fabulous okay

so it's just a one minute screed let's just move right along to me yeah go i'm i'm by the way i'm running i have so many things oh my god oh my god i'm angry no you go here we go here we go okay so all right we're ready for me i'd rather go this fast i don't think so honey bow and yang starts now i don't think so honey aspca canvassers or whatever the fuck you're called i don't know what your job is you're working a corner okay not to denigrate uh you know sex work that's lovely but you are literally standing on a street trying to wave me down while i'm clearly glued to my fucking phone i don't think so honey i'm already i already got roped into signing up for your 30 a month donation are you are you fucking kidding me i don't have that

kind of money i'm still trying to pay off my fucking credit card for uh an orlando trip that happened two years ago i don't think so wow 30 seconds i don't think so honey you aspca people i love you to death you You do great work, but you need to cool it with these phone calls, with these mailers. I got a mailer the other day after I explicitly asked to be taken off the mailing list. I don't think so, honey. ASPCA,

you need to respect my wishes. This feels like, I'm going to say, a non-consensual attack on my attention, okay? It's an attack. That is exactly what it is. I don't think so, honey.

ASPCA, or just Canvers in general, Planned Parenthood, you guys are doing good work. We need you more than ever, but ASPCA, I don't think so, honey. Wow. Two things. You were targeted at ASPCA mostly. Yes. And another thing is, I didn't know that our landlord should put your wallet so hard. Well, I just put it on my card, and it just grew.

We gotta be more frugal next time. How can you hate the... I know you're talking about those people, but it's not just ASPCA. It's not just them. It's everyone. It's everyone. It's so hard. Well, I just put it on my card and it just How can you hate the, I know you're talking about those people, but it's not just ASPCA, it's everyone. It's everyone. It's environment. That was something

underneath, under the surface that Bowen was coming for the ASPCA. It's not dogs. It's not dogs. He said ASPCA, I literally was like

eyes sweating. He doesn't want them to live. It's, it's, okay, guys. I don't have one, but okay. But you're gonna do it anyway and it's gonna be

fabulous. It's gonna be fabulous. Just whatever. By the way, this is rude to not warn me in advance we should we should have no we should have come on okay this is Michelle Collins I don't have anything I have so many things in my here we go do anything you want I don't think so honey Michelle Collins time starts now okay I guess I'm just okay I don't think so honey because appropriate my thing is I'm gonna appropriate

um I'm an audience Nazi if you come to see a show if you're in an audience to see stand up a movie keep your phones off and also don't twitch I spent a lot of money once to see Book of Mormon by myself and I sent this old grandma who was so nice and I was like oh you know she's so nice you're chatting the entire show she was petting her arm hair

if you think I heard one word of Book of Mormon I have no idea what is it about Mormons I don't know. Where were they? Africa? I was watching this woman obsessively stroke her arm. And then in the intermission, I went up to the, you know, what do you call it? The guy who seats you. What do you call that?

Usher. Usher. You know. I went to Usher. And I was like, yeah, I need a new seat. And he was like, oh, you can just stand here with me because it was sold out, obviously. I said, okay. So then I was watching the second act of Book of Mormon.

And every two minutes, he minutes he goes you liking the show how's the show going during the show but i also will call you out if you're instagramming or i'm the one who will long arm it very long go-go arms and i will tap your ass nine rows ahead to say turn your and that's one minute it's not a good one though i feel like no no it was really good but i feel like i also really want to come for enterprise rentals who i really encourage are they a sponsor? Hilarious. Go to Hertz.

I don't care if OJ wants to work with them. Go to Hertz. We'll have to have Michelle back, and she'll have to come for Enterprise Records. I'll be here every week. I loved. You can see Michelle on June 14th. It's a Wednesday night. Well, it's today.

It's a monthly show. Yes, at UCB. Monthly show, Magic Mish XXL. Come on. And then the pod. It's my new podcast. Just subscribe. You don't even listen like don't listen if you listen to

missing Richard Simmons I think honestly I like that one I think it's better yeah I'm like why at that agreed trended agreed we know where I am yeah I mean let's just you know where you can find spread

the love people fresh subscribe get the download get get her up to 5000 downloads per week at least in the next week don't give numbers It's like Netflix Just download it

Just download it You know what Who fucking cares about numbers You enjoy yourself That's what life's about Hey guys You know what My name is Matt Rogers

My name is Bowen Yang That's Michelle Collins Bye Bye Forever Dog This has been A Forever Dog production

Executive produced by Joe Cilio Alex Ramseysey, and Brett Boehm. For more podcasts, please visit foreverdogproductions.com. Dog. I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. And we are super excited to tell you about our new show, Dudes on Dudes. We're spilling all the behind-the-scenes stories, crazy details, and honestly, just having a blast talking football.

Every week, we're discussing our favorite players of all times, from legends to our buddies to current stars. We're finally answering the age-old question. What kind of dudes are these dudes? We're going to find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll.

This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. I was a desperate delusional dreamer. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate delusional dreamer. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez

was found off the coast of Florida. And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba? Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or stay with his relatives in Miami. Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Cheryl Swoops. And I'm Tarika Foster-Brasby. And on our new podcast, we're talking about the real obstacles women face day to day. Because no matter who you are, there are levels to what we experience as women.

And T and I have no problem going there. Listen to Levels to This with Cheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster-Brasby, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports.