Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - "Hogbook" (w/ Maria Bamford)
Episode Date: June 26, 2018Yex of courx you’re going to LOVE this ep!! The legendary, inspirational, fantastique Maria Bamford is in-studio and we are oh so happy. I hope you’ve physically, emotionally, and spiritually pre...pared yourself because this episode covers a lot of cultural ground in 1 hr 13 mins: Working at Disney, music videos that are getting cooler and cooler (because of the money), the impact of Maroon 5’s “Girls Like You” music video, Unicorns in saunas, Pug ranches, raccoons with IBS, Three’s Company, Pepé Le Pew, luxury (in general), and of course, HOGBOOK!---LAS CULTURISTAS HAS A PATREON! For $5/month, you get exclusive access to WEEKLY Patreon-ONLY Las Culturistas content!!https://www.patreon.com/lasculturistasSUBSCRIBE ON APPLE PODCASTS TODAY!CONNECT W/ LAS CULTURISTAS ON FACEBOOK & TWITTER for the best in "I Don't Think So, Honey" action, updates on live shows, conversations with the Las Culturistas community, and behind-the scenes photos/videos:twitter.com/lasculturistasLAS CULTURISTAS IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASTforeverdogpodcasts.com/las-culturistas Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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The Real Housewives of New York City are back for another bite of the Big Apple.
Look who it is.
Joined by elite new friends.
Rebecca Minkoff.
Have you ever heard of her?
But things could change in a New York Minute.
She had this wild night and ended up getting pregnant by some other guy.
What?
You told her?
Not today, Satan.
Not today.
The Real Housewives of New York City.
All new Tuesdays at 9 on Bravo or stream it on City TV+.
I'm Joe Gatto.
I'm Steve Byrne.
Together we do the Two Cool Moms podcast,
which is a podcast where we help dispense advice to our loyal listeners.
Everybody has an issue.
Everybody has something that they need help with.
Right.
And that's where we come in.
Because our moms, we're cool moms. We like to think that we need help with. Right. And that's where we come in. Because our moms were cool moms.
We like to think that we have inherited their maternal advice.
And we try to just do some good.
Besides being comedians, we love to help.
Guys, bring us your queries.
They could be personal questions.
They could be serious.
They could be lighthearted.
Yeah.
But know this.
We are here for you.
Yeah.
You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts or on the iHeartRadio app.
Hey there. I'm Dr. Maya Shunker, and I'm a scientist who studies human behavior. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts or on the iHeartRadio app. I talk to people about navigating these moments. Their stories are full of candor and hard-won wisdom.
And you'll hear from scientists who teach us how we can be more resilient in the face of change.
Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey, I'm Gianna Pradenti.
And I'm Jemay Jackson-Gadsden.
We're the hosts of Let's Talk Offline from LinkedIn News and iHeart Podcasts.
There's a lot to figure out when you're just starting your career. That's where we come in. Think of us as your work besties you can turn to for advice. And if we don't know the answer, we bring in people who do, like negotiation expert
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it sort of eases us a little bit. Listen to Let's Talk Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Forever.
Dog.
Look, man.
Where?
Oh, I see.
My, oh, my.
Bowen, look over there.
Wow, is that culture?
Yes.
Oh, my goodness.
Wow.
Las Culturistas.
Ding dong, Las Culturistas calling.
Let's have a check-in on our new phrase that we've created
yeks
of corks
so
just a fun new way
and fun new take on
a common phrase
yes of course
is out
yeks
of corks
is in
or you know
you can really just
sub in the X sound
you know
that fricative
maybe
I'm not a linguistic expert
but I love fricative
but I don't know
if that's a fricative sound.
But anyway,
you can sub the X out
for other sounds as well.
Like I tried out today
on a text at least.
I said,
oh my gocks.
I liked when you did that.
Which sounds fun.
Yeah.
I really like it.
Yeah.
And our guest is into it.
I believe our guest is into it.
Maybe she's giving you,
maybe she's going to fake us out
and say I hate it.
We'll see.
But that's fine.
I have a feeling this guest is going like it our guest um wow this is this is this is really special
this is a moment yeah this is a moment i just to like we'll bring her in but i you know i just
embarrass her i will embarrass her no i mean her specials her albums incredible how to win
unwanted thought syndrome old baby, just such good stuff.
The special, special, special.
Like, truly, what a, like a preeminent mind, I think.
Really, really such an admirer of hers for a long time.
Many of our finest comedians, favorite comedians.
There you go.
And of course, Lady Dynamite.
Just an incredible, incredible show.
And so we're so happy to have with us today
Maria Bamford
I feeks
so
great
great folks
yes
great folks
great folks
great folks
you know
it could
it could mean something else
but we know
what it means
in context
it works
the way you guys
have used it
it's so good
it's so hip
yeah
what really takes it
to the next level
is the of corks
of corks
of corks
and you think maybe
you know wine corks
cork board
it's of corks
and people have
been tweeting
yes
yikes of corks
and back to us
after we announced it
at our live show
at the Echo
we announced it as a new
thing in the cultural canon, which is how
things catch on. You have to force
that. I'm going to take
that home and I'm going to at least say it to
17 people. Yeah, you could.
Say it to 17 people. And you know what? Five of them,
I think. Five of them. We'll continue on.
You know what stayed with me? One of your phrases that stayed
with me is, I don't know if you remember this,
hog book? Oh yes, hog book. Hog book. Two words What stayed with me, one of your phrases that stayed with me is, I don't know if you remember this, Hog Book?
Oh, yes, Hog Book.
Hog Book.
Two words together that are delightful to say.
It was my screen name for my OkCupid profile.
Right, which is how you met your husband.
How I met my husband.
One guy responded to Hog Book.
And it was the right guy.
And it was the right guy.
Oh, my God.
Because you put something vague on there, on your profile.
Like I put thoughtful, funny or something.
And ah, too wide a net.
No, no, no.
You can't cast that.
Everyone wants thoughtful and funny, but not everyone wants hog book.
And if you do want hog book, like that's.
You know.
That's really what you have to connect with people who like the same words as you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And love or yeah, love the words in the same way that you love words.
And he was like, hog book.
What the?
Who is this lady?
Right.
Which is where some people wrote me and said, hog book.
Did you know that's the word for a log book that a pilot keeps in the cockpit?
Yeah.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I like how it sounds, babe. Okay. It's about the cockpit. Yeah, I don't care. I don't care. I like how it sounds, babe.
Okay?
It's about the ear.
It's about the ear.
The oral, A-U-R-A-L experience.
Thank you.
Or you're not trying to bag a pilot, are you?
Yeah, no.
No.
Can I tell you my favorite word,
but it is a Spanish word?
Mochila.
It means backpack.
Yes.
Mochila. Mochila. Mochila it means backpack yes mochila mochila when i've heard
about la mochila i was like that's it for me was it was it a settle down with it was it a door the
explorer thing no oh you know what maybe it was mochila mochila she she often says mochila because
she has a mochila she goes me mochila i believe it's a tiene mochila she has a tiene
tiene
tiene una mochila
tiene una mochila
one backpack
short
por favor
short
que lastima
que lastima
what a shame
what a shame
that's another good one
I guess I have to give the credit though
to again
she's gonna make it on the podcast again
senorita ford
senorita ford
your sixth grade Spanish teacher
that was ninth grade
ninth grade but I love that she was senorita ford that's Ford you were 6th grade Spanish teacher that was 9th grade 9th grade
but I love that she was
Senorita Ford
that's another
that's like a
hog book situation
where it's like
two words that just
you know
you don't think
they would go together
but then they comically
they work
there's a comic dissonance
to it
wouldn't you say
oh yeah
sure
grew up in California
Maria
no
no you were born here
Midwest
I was born here
I grew up in Minnesota,
but my dad was in the Navy,
so I grew up,
or was born in the Naval Hospital.
Oh, shit.
That's what it is.
Yes, yes, yes.
My God.
No, you shouldn't.
Nobody should know any of these things
about anyone.
No, absolutely not.
Maybe my spouse.
Maybe she's my spouse.
Maybe your spouse.
Maybe.
This feels invasive now.
This feels invasive.
Now it's like too much.
Now I know too much. Now I know too much.
Now we know too much.
The mystery is gone.
Mystery is gone.
We have a friend who has the silhouette of Long Island tattooed on his bicep.
Oh my.
And we said, when did you get that?
He said, last year.
I was like, okay.
And for what reason?
Pride.
Long Island pride.
Not even gay pride.
Just Long Island pride.
Did he grow up there?
Yes. Okay. So it wasn't because of certain uh seminal experience you had later in life he said he said right i had i went to long
island and i thought this is a beautiful country um no but i honestly if i could have a state
or a region yeah tattooed on me i guess it would have to be florida okay but that is that is because
you have had seminal experiences there.
I'm a Disney person.
How does that make you feel?
Well, mixed, I did
work for Disney as a
secretary in the very boring part
of the show. I was in the show that's very
quiet and grim. There's a lot
of getting coffee and hustling.
No, that's not the Disney experience.
No, it's not fun.
Yeah.
But you're still a part of the show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're a cast member.
Oh, that's so, when they tell you you're a cast member, that has to feel exhilarating in some way, even if you know the reality is a lot of sitting and.
It's administrative work.
Administrative.
Administrating.
And answering the phones when somebody says, yeah, there's a lot of legal where people can't use anything that has.
I worked in the legal department where it's like anything that looks like Mickey.
So like some poor lady in Guatemala who's just making like Mickey Mouse, you know, quilts just for funsies out of her.
And they came for her?
Oh, yeah.
No, no, no.
Everybody goes down.
Oh, shoot.
So wait, here's a question.
Working for Disney, even in the legal department, do you still have to be like this?
Well, I mean, I tried.
I tried my best.
I certainly, I did almost get, I didn't get fired.
This is one of the worst things that I ever did at Disney.
Oh, I can't wait.
I was a receptionist, and I was substituting for another woman who had left a half-eaten chocolate rabbit from Easter on her desk.
Now, albeit, I need to bring my own snacks, okay?
But I cannot bear when someone leaves something delicious.
You're going to just – you're eating that slowly.
I ate it up.
Yeah, okay. eating that slowly I ate it up yeah okay she tracked me down within the mail system
at Disney
called me
and said
what the hell
you ate my chocolate rabbit
and um
and I was
I was very ashamed
it has not stopped me
from stealing other people's food
no no no
and it shouldn't
and it shouldn't
you have to keep being you
and who you are
and this is what I
and you steal
you thief
this is what I have to say.
And not to put this in a victim-blaming situation,
she left that on display.
Wait, also, what?
She left the rabbit on display.
You're not going to not eat it.
Enough or nothing,
but you don't just leave chocolate out
because, honey,
it's rule of culture number 44.
After Easter,
don't leave the chocolate out.
And I was going to,
in addition,
it's rule of culture number 45,
chocolate will melt.
Absolutely.
She didn't think of that.
That's wild.
She didn't think of that.
But it's chilled.
It's chilled inside the Mauchwitz.
It's like very,
it's very nice air conditioning system.
But not inside those suits.
Those poor people in those suits
who have to live in the tunnels.
Are they air conditioned though?
The suits?
Because I,
and also I never understood this.
There's some ventilation in there.
Like whenever they say,
well don't worry,
those suits,
because you see them
and they are in Orlando, Florida
which is a tropical climate
decided.
Yes.
And they say,
don't worry,
the suits are air conditioned
and I'm like,
how could that be?
Do you have intel?
I don't have intel.
I have been inside
one of a suit like that.
Gedney the Minnesota Pickle.
Thank you.
Oh, fab.
But it was hot and awful.
Yeah.
It gets to be like 120, 130 degrees.
You don't know which way you're walking.
Kids are kicking you.
It's not.
No.
Yeah.
Okay.
Does that rank as one of the worst odd jobs you had?
Well, I just auditioned, and then I heard the war stories of other former pickles in the audition room.
And they're like, yeah, I mean, sometimes I was at the Iowa State Fair, and I just started running.
I started running.
And I was like, and these were grown men.
And I was just like, you know what?
I'm a tiny, tiny lady.
I'm not going to drive down to Iowa and do that kind of nonsense.
Right.
Take a tour like that.
Yeah.
I'd rather do it without the suit.
You know, like if you're going to chase me out of town, I want to be known for who I am.
So you had to audition in the suit?
Yes.
You had to put on the suit.
So that was the one time you had it on? Yeah. I had it on. Yeah. had to audition in the suit? Yes, you had to put on the suit. So that was the one time
you had it on?
Yeah,
I just imagined
all the horrors.
But I have been
a costumed character
in a park.
I was a Bajoran
in the Star Trek
Deep Space Nine franchise.
Yes.
Very briefly
was being showcased
I believe for a number of years,
a few years
and I came out to Los Angeles
was one of the reasons
I got to move out here.
They're paying 600 bucks a week for you to walk around with a Vulcan and a Klingon.
I just had to wear a tight space outfit with some false, false breasts because that's part
of my culture and do Jack in the Box openings.
And it was a delight.
I mean, it is a pretty good gig.
And you bring people joy.
I guess that's my thing with the Disney employees and people that do that is always like, I
don't understand how you maintain a level of almost manic positivity and joy, even when
people, and you know, look, the people that go to Disney, especially the Magic Kingdom,
it's a lot of families with tired kids.
It's stressful.
So I don't understand how you can have guest interactions, which most of the time, like, probably are frustrating.
But keep up that level of Disney happiness.
Well, aren't they, they're silent, right?
Nobody says anything.
Well, the people in the suits, but on a customer service level.
Yeah, yeah. says anything. The people in the suits? But on a customer service level, you can walk up
to a hostess
and just be in
the worst mood,
be the biggest jerk
and be like,
I want a table now!
And then they just
have to smile through it.
Yeah.
Well, I did sense
some passive aggression.
We went to Avatar Land
because now they have,
I don't know,
Animal Kingdom has
the world of Avatar,
Pandora.
Okay.
And there was a very long line
for the state-of-the-art
attraction there
and one person came up to a cast member who's like smiling through it dealing with people who don't
want to wait and the guy's like is this seriously the line um can can i have my drink in there she
goes actually no you can't bring an alcoholic beverage in um and like or something like that
like some beverage but she was like and he was like what are you talking about like that's not
the policy and she was just like that's always been our policy.
And you saw that little glimpse of like, I don't like this.
But she had the smile.
And as far as anyone could tell or report, she was happy when she said it.
Yeah.
Man, I mean.
She has her finger on the button if anything goes down.
If any woman starts to get aggro, like she just.
You're getting taken out.
The chute opens up and you're taken out of the magic kingdom.
Yeah, that's what it is.
Then I also heard about the underpaid people at the parks.
It's like a little bit culty.
Yeah, and people are living in their cars to work there.
And I thought to myself, that's not happy.
Yeah, that can't be happy.
Yeah, oh my my god for sure for sure well they've the new york times has done a series about it so it has to be true it has to be do you
consider yourself an adventurous theme park type or are you kind of when you have a vacation you
like the silence and the quiet and the books. Oh, I do like a book. Unfortunately.
Unfortunately?
Well, I mean, for you guys,
I mean, it's not,
that's not super fun. You don't have to be a skydiver.
We embrace it.
Okay, okay.
This last weekend,
we went to see Yola Tango in the desert.
I love Yola Tango.
And that was fun.
Great.
And I don't know anything about music,
so I brought my scrapbooking supplies.
Oh, perfect.
Where I sat in the back,
it was at Pappy and Harriet's, this desert outbooking supplies where I sat in the back when it was at Papian
Harriet's this desert outpost place and I sat there and then the man came you know people who
were sick or taken out by security sat by me on the bench I got vomited by and I got and uh
center for outcasts yeah yeah center for outcasts andcasts. Anyways, my version of scrapbooking is I cut out pictures from magazines
and then paste them inside of used books
and then give them to my friends for Christmas.
That's lovely.
I love it.
Now, what is a visually compelling thing in an image
that will make you want to say,
I'm cutting that out, that goes in the scrapbook?
Well, because my friends are middle-aged ladies,
it's always something like an adult diaper
or like a not-your-daughter's jeans.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
So it's not like Nick Jonas.
It's not Charlie Puth.
I cut out pictures of hot boys.
Oh, Charlie Puth. No, no, although he's very... They're very cute boys. That's not Charlie Puth. I cut out pictures of hot boys. Oh, Charlie Puth.
No, no.
Although he's very.
They're very cute boys.
That song Attention is very.
Attention is good.
Do you have a favorite hot young new star?
Well, I really loved watching I'm the One video with Justin Bieber and all of his pals.
And Khaled.
DJ Khaled.
And just the discomfort they had as they were kind of like standing around casually as this gorgeous woman.
Hanging out on a horse.
It was so bizarre.
And really, it was very sweet.
I thought it was just very sweet. You found a sweetness in the discomfort.
Yeah.
They were definitely looking at the camera really hard. It was very sweet. I thought it was just very sweet. You found a sweetness in the discomfort. Yeah, I just, they did not look,
they were definitely looking at the camera really hard,
like, this looks cool, right?
Yeah, we're pulling it off.
The music videos these days,
they're getting pretty cool.
Yeah.
Did you, they just get cooler and cooler.
They just get cooler and cooler,
I believe, because of the money.
The money.
They get money to do it.
Wait a minute.
Yeah, and I tell you what,
what music video just made me cry.
Which one?
Maroon 5.
They have a new music video
called Girls Like You.
And they have,
it's like Adam Levine is like singing
and being handsome Adam Levine.
Hi, hi.
And that's very good Adam Levine.
Famous impressionist.
Clearly.
Clearly.
But the camera's circling around him
and as it does
you see like
another like
with every revolution
there's a new
sort of famous
celebrity woman
and you know
it's just kind of like
it's kind of like
a name dropping
music video
but I believe
the intent is like
all types of
like all types of
what did we just say
beauty
all types of beauty
yes and the inner beauty
and they're just dancing
and being themselves
and celebrating
different individuality
and wonderful
and then the last shot
is him with Bihari,
his gorgeous wife
and their baby
and he gives a hug
and it's,
you can,
it's his girl like him.
There you go.
A girl like you.
Sure.
I cried,
it got me.
It got you.
Wow.
Okay.
I don't know
if I love that about myself
that I cried at a Maroon 5 video.
No, there's nothing wrong with that.
I watched Maroon 5's video with Cardi B.
I love Miss Cardi B.
Miss Cardi.
Wait, this is the one.
Oh, is that the one?
Yes, the one.
And Cardi B comes in.
I just watched part of it.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you watched the Cardi part.
Yes.
Which is kind of the best part for me.
Are you a Cardi fan?
I'm a Cardi fan.
Because I think I saw it on her Instagram feed.
She comes in and she has a lovely
verse. She rhymes her own name with
Harley Harley. Cardi Cardi
like a Harley
Harley. That's a good rhyme.
Would we call that a slant rhyme?
It's not a slant rhyme. Well, yeah, it is a slant rhyme.
It doesn't have the exact same syllabic
you know, analogousness.
I'm just pulling words out of it
analogous I believe
wait one more thing about the
I'm the one video I think out of all of them
and let me know if you agree with me Maria
I think Chance the Rapper is the least comfortable
to be there
is he the guy with the elaborate teeth work
not the elaborate teeth work he's the guy in the baseball cap
and the facial hair and he's just kind of an adorable guy
just like kind of dancing around he's just like I don't really this is awkward this is. He's the guy in the baseball cap and the facial hair. He's just kind of an adorable guy, just like kind of dancing around.
Yes, yes.
He's just like, I don't really, this is awkward.
This is strange.
He's the most like, he's winking at the audience the most.
But anyway.
Did you happen to see the new Jennifer Lopez video?
It's called Dinero.
And let me tell you, that's another good word.
Dinero.
Dinero.
Yo quiero mas.
That's basically the chorus. Yes, it is. Yo quiero, yo quiero mas That's basically the chorus
Yes it is
Yo quiero, yo quiero dinero
I want money
And then she goes
Dinero, dinero, dinero
Which is of course money
Three times
Now
Jennifer Lopez is
Absolutely a fabulously wealthy woman
And she shows that off in the video
And in the last shot
The very last shot
She's in a sauna And next to her is a unicorn.
Because of course she's wealthy.
We're to believe that she has so rich that she has a unicorn.
And Maria, you look confused.
Do you look confused, perturbed?
I bet she thought unicorns didn't exist.
It's just that everyone has different definitions of what luxury means.
Having a unicorn in a sauna with me, that's not my go-to.
But when you're Jennifer Lopez, I guess when you have everything,
what's the one thing you don't have?
Something that doesn't exist on this plane of reality.
This is a fun little...
In a hot, enclosed area.
In a hot, enclosed area and with an animal.
Where you could get impetigo.
Let's put it somewhere it can't live.
Now, this opens up a good discussion.
I say we each go around and talk about
what our idea of luxury and wealth means
in one setting.
So I'll start.
I'll say I've got,
on one hand, a diet Sprite, another an iced coffee, a little bit of half and half.
Cold brew or iced coffee?
Iced coffee, cold brew.
I can't deal with just the –
It's too much.
It makes me crazy.
It's too concentrated.
It's too hard.
It's an iced coffee, but it's not a watered-down hot coffee either.
Okay. So, and then I'm just, you know, I'm just at home playing a great video game.
And then just eating a gorgeous, gorgeous pasta meal.
All right.
What about you, Matt?
Let's go this way.
So I have a disease where every night I dream about theme parks.
I can't explain it, but every single night of my life, there's a theme park in my dream.
Have you been to the other theme parks abroad?
I sometimes do travel around.
Like one time I was in Ohio and I wanted to go to Cedar Point.
Have you known Cedar Point?
Yes, I know what it is.
Yeah, so it's like the roller coaster palace of the world,
but it was too far.
So I went to Paramount Kings Island by myself
and I was being a nerd,
riding these wooden roller coasters
I had always wanted to do my whole life
and actually behind me in line
were other coaster people.
And I got into a discussion with them
that I couldn't believe I was having
about the angles of the track.
It's really-
The torsion.
It goes very deep.
Like it's,
I,
it was coaster talk.
It was 99.
Sure.
And it was of course in 2016.
But I think that my idea of fabulous wealth would be to be able to,
after the,
after a theme park closes,
be able to rent it out.
Like,
you know,
these,
I,
whenever I'm leaving a theme park and like, you see them setting up buffet tables.
Yeah.
I'm like, who is it for?
I want to be invited to that.
To that wedding.
And to be able to do whatever you want in the theme park.
Yeah.
That's good.
Like, even a major one.
Sure.
Being like, I have it for the night.
You want to rent out all of the Universal CityWalk.
Yes.
Here.
Just for me.
Here in LA.
And honestly, by making it just for me,
it would also be about hundreds of my closest friends.
Hundreds.
And then being able to walk down from ride to ride
and be like, Stacy, Mark, Giovanni.
You know, like everyone's there.
Have you met Stacy, Mark, and Giovanni yet?
Can I tell you something?
I don't know one person named any of those things.
You know a Mark.
You must know a mark.
I don't think I've ever met a mark.
Well, just know that when you do,
it's a sign of luxury.
I'm going to be like,
DeNiro, DeNiro, DeNiro,
you're all coming with me to the buffet tables
setting up at CityWalk.
There you go.
What I mean by that is,
I'll just,
it'll be all my people
and you know my senior trip, we went to Hershey Park. Okay. My senior high school trip and I was by that is, I'll just, it'll be all my people and, you know, my senior trip, we went to Hershey Park.
Okay.
My senior high school trip.
And I was like, yes.
But then it got very dark because the bus broke down on the way home.
And I'm from Long Island.
So it was from Pennsylvania to Long Island.
And the bus broke down on the side of the road and we had to walk to another bus, which didn't get there for two and a half hours.
Oh, jeez.
So we were just like, it was very like,
this is how a horror movie starts.
Yeah.
And horror movies don't end well.
Is it a memory, though, that everyone connects with in your class?
I think that we all have that shared experience, yes.
Except the people that didn't go that day
because they missed the bus.
And you really, you can never miss a bus.
Wow.
And they really missed the bus. Yeah, they really missed the bus. It you really, you can never miss a bus. Wow. And they really miss the bus.
Yeah, they really miss the bus.
It's actually
rule of culture number 91.
You can never miss the bus.
Now, Maria,
what is your idea
of fabulous wealth?
Well, I was going to say
something really...
Shallow?
I mean, don't worry about that.
No, no, no.
I was going to say something
that is the opposite of shallow so that I look like a nice person.
Like affordable housing.
That would be the real luxury for Los Angeles.
There are 100,000 people living on the street, which there are.
But okay, luxury.
You know, I think it would be, you don't want to be, it would be having tons of energy.
I would love to be someone who has a shit ton of energy.
I'm on a number of medications.
One, which is an antipsychotic, which I love.
We love.
And it clocks me out at the end of the day.
But the problem is, is I'm a little tie-tie
all the time.
Yeah.
I would not mind
having the go-go chihuahua energy
Yeah.
of what I've seen
of many people
on the planet.
Sure.
I mean,
energy is the currency.
That is,
that's the well.
We are very tired right now.
We promised each other
we wouldn't bring this out
we were saying
we're not gonna bring it out
it's Maria
we can't bring this to end
oh my god
talk about
we are so tired
so we're from New York
we're only here for two weeks
so basically like
we just
well we were
we did a live show on Tuesday
and so
you gotta meet with the industry
after you do the big show
they wanna get to know you
they wanna
go through the motions
and what's your story yeah and we were happy to tell them our story but in the process of doing so to meet with the industry after you do the big show. They want to get to know you. They want to go through the motions.
What's your story?
And we were happy to tell them our story.
But in the process of doing so,
mentally, you're just... No, exhausted.
And then you get a free bottle of water
and then you go, what's happened?
Do you feel that when they offer you a bottle of water
in the beginning of the meeting,
obligated to say yes?
Because the other day I said no
and the girl looked at me like,
you don't want water?
And I was like, I mean, I'll take it. Oh, shit day I said no and the girl looked at me like you don't want water and I was like
I mean I'll take it
oh shit
I've always taken the water
so I don't know
what it feels like
to not take the water
right
I always want something
I want whatever
I can get out of that thing
I took two Dolly Ranchers
out of your cup out there
yeah
but aren't they grape
no
there's a grape
and a cherry
and grapes are my fave
I like grapes too I am not a grape girl okay cherry. And grapes are my fave. I like grape too.
I am not a grape girl.
Okay, all right.
You know what?
I'm not a sour apple girl.
Me neither.
I'm very specific with this.
I eat cherry, cherry, cherry.
Okay.
Across the board.
I may have not eaten all the cherries.
Okay.
I hope so.
But also, I'm colorblind, so they all look the same to me.
I looked in the thing and I'm like, nope, those are all grape.
But anyway, we understand being tired yeah but
my tiredness does manifest in doing more oh like I'm a I'm a person who's on a lot and then when
I go home like I have to be by myself like it's the whole day of extrovert and then like really
like now let me conk out sure the real housewives of New York City are back for another bite of the Big Apple.
Look who it is.
Joined by elite new friends.
Rebecca Minkoff.
Have you ever heard of her?
But things could change in a New York Minute.
She had this wild night and ended up getting pregnant by some other guy.
What?
You've told her?
Not today, Satan. Not today.
The Real Housewives of New York City, all new Tuesdays at 9 on Bravo or stream it on City TV+.
Hey, it's Mike and Ian. We're the hosts of How to Do Everything from NPR's Wait, Wait,
Don't Tell Me. Each week, we take your questions and find someone much smarter than us to answer
them. Questions like, how do you survive the Bermuda Triangle? How do you find a date inside the Bermuda Triangle?
We can't help you, but we will find someone who can. Listen to the How to Do Everything podcast
on iHeartRadio. I felt too seen, um, dragged. I'm NK and this is basket case so i basically had what back in the day they
would call a nervous breakdown i was crying and i was inconsolable it was just very big sudden
swaps of different meds what is wrong wrong with me? Oh, look at you giving me therapy, girl.
Finally, a show for the mentally ill girlies.
On Basket Case, I talk to people about what happens when what we call mental health
is shaped by the conditions of the world we live in.
Because if you haven't noticed,
we are experiencing some kind of conditions
that are pretty hard to live with.
But if you struggle to cope,
the society that created the conditions in the first place will tell you there's something wrong with you.
And it will call you a basket case.
Listen to Basket Case every Tuesday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey, I'm Bruce Bozzi. On my podcast, Table for Two, we have unforgettable lunch after unforgettable lunch with the best guest you could possibly ask for.
People like Matt Bomer.
Thank you for that introduction. I'm going to slip you a couple of 20s under the table for that.
Emma Roberts.
When it came into my email inbox, I was like, okay, I know I'm going to love this so much that I don't even want to read it.
Because if I can't be in it, I'm going to be bummed.
And Colin Jost.
You know, your wife was the first
guest on Table for Two.
It's come full circle. As long as I do
better than her, I'm happy.
Table for Two is a bit different from other
interview shows. We sit down at a
great restaurant for a meal,
maybe a glass of rosé, and the stories
start flowing. Our second
season is airing right now, so you can
catch up on our conversations that are intimate, surprising, I mean, what is something,
how do you even combat that moment to moment?
That's what my struggle is.
I can't combat it.
I see my friend, Amy, who has – she has a small business.
She wakes up at 5.
She feeds all of her 25 million animals.
Oh, my gosh.
And then she goes to her small business, talks with people all freaking day. Then she goes out to a ranch where she volunteers and cleans horses and goes on horse rides.
And then she finally gets home at around 9 o'clock at night and she tips over.
But if I can do – I'm going to do this podcast.
I'm going to go home and take a nap.
Good.
Yes.
That's it for today.
I sometimes feel exhausted. Like and take a nap. Good. Yes. That's it for today. I sometimes feel exhausted.
Like we were talking about those meetings.
We leave the meetings and we're like, oh my God, I'm out of breath.
Because they are a performance.
Yes.
Yes.
They are.
For sure.
And podcasting is a performance.
Oh, sure.
We're all performing now.
Yes.
It's actually rule of culture number 94.
Podcasting is a performance.
Yes.
I missed some of the syllables there.
But that's okay because they got it.
They understood.
Well, and some people miss.
I've been on some podcasts where it is more just chit-chat.
You go, okay, we got to step it up a notch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because who really wants to just hear chit-chat?
No.
No.
You want to hear something that has been rehearsed.
And can serve you the extravagance. You want to listen to something that's been rehearsed. And can serve you
the extravagance.
You want to listen to something that's been rehearsed.
I don't want to hear any improv podcast
or any off-the-cuff conversation.
And a good sign.
Essentially this.
Don't tune out.
Don't tune out.
To have a producer just laughing
and rocking in his chair.
We love that he laughs. Look at his little shoulder shaking.
He's on his phone now.
That's so sweet.
He's got to take care of some stuff.
This is Brett.
This is who we lovingly refer to as HPB, Hot Producer Brett.
And he's in all our, you haven't met them,
but we have lovely producers out in New York named Joe and Alex
who are referred to as HPJ and HPA.
Hot Producer Joe and hot producer Alex.
How do you feel about us objectifying them in this way?
Should we pump the brakes?
Well, my husband and I were just talking about this last night,
about how women are sometimes predators.
You know, from the Me Too movement,
there haven't been as many talks about how, like,
this woman, we were dating and she pressured me for sex.
And that happens too.
So I just, I want to say, Brett, this is your opportunity to speak up
if you feel unsafe.
Yes, please.
And also, yeah, I mean, I just know that with everyone talking about that,
it does make me, I know what made me think about some of the things I did in the past as a young lady.
Yes.
Yes, yes.
But let's just, I guess, scope in on just me and Matt as two gay men just sort of playfully preying on these poor, unsuspecting straight boys.
What's flirtation and what's intimidation?
Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Well, and that's, I think,
I was at a comedy club in Houston.
Addison, anybody listening?
Hey, Addison.
And the club owner led me up to the stage
by the small of my back.
No, that's a no.
Hey, I know where it is, buddy.
Yeah, that's a never.
No touching at work.
Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no.
But I think, oh, this is the definition of flirting that my friend Jackie Cajun heard.
Jackie Cajun.
In order, flirting is when you've succeeded in making the other person feel attractive.
So if the person doesn't feel attractive, then you have not succeeded in flirting.
Jackie Cajun's 81-year-old father is a great flirter.
Like, he's not a creepy flirt.
For some reason, I just feel like a hot, hot babe around him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he's just saying how pretty I look and where'd you get that blouse.
But it does make me feel good.
So perhaps, you know, that's the thing you need to ask them.
Brett, are you feeling attractive? Are you feeling attractive? Brett. Okay, good. Okay perhaps, you know, that's the thing you need to ask them. Do, Brett,
are you feeling attractive?
Are you feeling attractive?
Brett.
Okay, good.
Okay, we're in the clear.
And I know, I knew it.
I knew it.
And you know what?
I see a little half smile erupt on that face
every time.
There's a little bit
of jealousy that's being
sort of drummed up
between the hot producers.
The producer,
the other producer, Joe, has texted us and said, well, well, well, it looks like I've been replaced.
And I'm saying, listen, there's a room.
There's two of us.
Yeah.
There's room for everybody.
There's love enough for everyone.
There's love enough for everyone.
And of course, you are engaged to a lady that we love.
She proposed on the Amalfi Coast.
I mean,
Brett.
Big reveal.
Big reveal.
It's going to be
a long engagement.
Oh, really?
We had a whole discussion
about it late 2019.
Oh, interesting.
I offered to perform
the service.
I don't know.
Like, I have any
thoughts about it.
I didn't get married
until I was 45.
And my husband and I,
I had never had anything
last over a year.
He had never had anything over over a year he had never had
anything last
anything over three years
we are now at
four and a half years
longer than one
and longer than three
new record
yes
new record
yes
new record
because I'm
I'm working with like
my longest thing's been
like three months
and me being like
oh is there any hope
but
I mean look
it just takes a guy
who looks at your screen name, Hogbook, and says yes.
Yeah.
You have to lead with you're weird.
Yeah.
You know, that's the thing too about like dating is like,
that's amazing that you guys met on OkCupid.
Yes.
But OkCupid like didn't really work for me.
And then I met my ex-boyfriend who I was with for over two years.
I met doing a show
and being very insanely weird on stage.
Oh, nice.
And I kind of was like,
oh, fuchs, now I don't have to let them know
that I'm a performer.
Was that like a weird, did like...
No, he had already, he watched comedy.
So he knew that I was a comedian anyways.
And he's an artist
and he works for some famous
painter artists
who are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
I mean, just in terms of
a wonderful creative people.
So he had no problem with it.
Right, okay.
And he loves comedians.
He says the comedy world
is just so much more friendly,
which is true.
It's a lot more accepting
than we went to, we've gone to some art parties,
and the art parties are, it's hard.
Like, they're just, it's a little stressful.
I think because there's so much money involved,
comedy, we're all getting 20 bucks maybe after the show.
It's not, it's very democratic.
You get two drink tickets and don't lose them,
because if you lose them,
they're not gonna to believe you.
But you know what I do is I pick up – usually no one wants both.
So I'll just take them all.
Drink tickets and cash.
And cash.
Yeah.
In comedy, it's so always humbling.
Like I can bomb – well, I just did.
Like the other night in a small bar in Los Feliz, like people
weren't on board and I just kept talking.
Well, you just, you do your time.
You fill the time and people have seen a lot of famous performers here and you got to be
something real special to get anybody's attention in Los Angeles.
Do you let the bombing,
if that,
first of all,
I can't really picture you bomb,
but I know it's being,
having done it for these years. We believe that anybody can bomb
at whatever stage,
but I mean,
what were we gonna ask?
We're just always tickled.
But what I was going to ask was,
is there,
do you let the bombing like roll off your back
or do you kind of like really sit in it?
Does it affect you?
I question my abilities and what the point is, existentialism, nihilism.
What is the function?
What is the function?
And feeling guilty.
Like I put these people through some,
they'd gone out to have a good time
and here they were trapped for 15 to 20 minutes
with my nonsense.
And, but I, I don't know,
but that's also part of the machismo of doing comedy.
We're a little attracted to it, aren't we?
The danger.
Roll the show.
But no, actually, I actually actually there's nothing attractive to me about
bombing like my friend just told me they bombed and she was like i bombed and you know what it
felt good i felt knocked down i'm now i'm hungry again i was like see that's not how i am i'd like
to be loved all the time that's and that's usually what i create for myself is I create like a small
cocoon where I can just
be in a black box theater and
everyone's like it's amazing that you're alive
you're a legend
yeah good for you
do you feel that like now that people
have known who you are for a very long time
you get that like you're an icon
you're a legend and thank you
does that ever does
that fall at your feet a lot i don't i don't know i i don't think i've got that but i would um i
can't wait um i we bring out a huge trophy well i think it's just get you just realize and how
lucky you are yeah just still be in it it and how unbelievably talented people are starting out now.
People are just so good, and that's very inspiring.
I mean, I feel like – I don't feel like I'm better at it really on some level
than I was when I started in terms of like just uh I probably had
more passion when I started which probably helped things and now I'm like yeah I've got a pool
we paid for the pool so uh maybe we can slow down yeah we got, we got the pool. We got the pool. We have the luxury, so. Yeah, no, I've got the pool,
so,
yeah,
now,
like,
well,
now,
my husband and I,
we're going to do,
we're trying to build a cooperative of our house.
Yeah,
so,
we've got one comic in,
Carmen Morales lives with us,
and then,
maybe get a second one,
and maybe get another old pug.
If we get three old pugs, like a little pug old ranch, a little pug ranch.
Oh, I love pugs.
I think pug ranch is your wealth setting.
I think that's what it is.
And that's $1,500 a month.
I mean, just for eye drops.
I mean, seriously.
They are dying from birth to death.
It's not a good situation for them.
Those are the eye.
And tell me if you agree with me.
The thing to admire and love about pugs is that they are constantly suffering.
Just constantly.
Like they can't breathe and they're just like confused adult.
They're like, what's going on?
That's like and you are.
But yet you keep going and you keep going.
Am I am I misstating anything? No, that is that's like looking in the mirror to me you know like
oh it's i'm struggling i don't know if i'm gonna make it like i'm the person like you know when
they have those survivor stories on the sea or something it's like i'm the person who eats all
the chocolate and goes i'm so sorry and then dives and is eaten by sharks.
Like I just,
oh.
I'm not a survivor
on some level.
I understand that.
I watch Life of Pi
and stuff
and I'm like,
no, not me.
I saw like,
you see like a zombie movie
and people are like,
what character would you be?
I was like,
I'm not in it.
The second I hear
the zombie apocalypse
is happening,
I guarantee I have a heart attack right away, I'm not in it. The second I hear the zombie apocalypse is happening, I guarantee I have
a heart attack right away
and I'm gone.
Like, shark movie?
No.
I see a shark
and I'm gone.
I don't do anything heroic.
Or, yeah,
it's been a good run.
Yeah, right.
A good run.
Like, you just gotta
hang it up.
Let it come.
Like, yeah,
here I am.
I probably would just walk out.
Yeah, no.
Like, zombies,
it has to happen now. Yeah, like, just take me early. I'm an early adopter. Zombies, it has to happen now.
Just take me early.
I'm an early adopter.
Are you guys hungry?
That's it.
Pugs, though.
Pugs are emblematic of survival, maybe.
Is that what it is?
Yeah, where they're struggling and they're adorable.
And they're also super accepting and loving.
Most of them.
I'm sure there are some growly pugs, but I don't know them.
And I, yeah, and I feel weird about, that's why we get old pugs.
Yeah.
Because I don't want to bring any more babies into the world unless, because I think it
is a little odd that we breed.
Honestly, it feels weird.
It's weird.
We had golden retrievers all growing up.
And they are the best.
But watching what happens to
their hips as they get older,
I mean, it's like a very hard...
You know,
it's really sad. Maggie.
I know, Maggie, my dog just passed away
last year. But that wasn't even a hip
thing. It was stomach cancer.
And literally within
within weeks and it's just like yeah it's just so sad and then it's hard to you know of course the
um suggestion is well you know get in get another dog like you know but then it's like you're signing
up for that again again and yeah this is after we had lost our first dog they got maggie and now
this is the second gold retriever they've lost. And I can tell my parents, like, we're not going to get another one.
It's too hard.
It's too hard.
Yeah.
Well, maybe it's like when people have babies.
Like my parents, they knew there's tons of mental illness and addiction on both sides of our family.
Why'd they bring more suffering into the world?
Why did you do this?
Yeah.
Why'd you do it?
Or just adopt.
Like at least somebody who's already here
but then you don't know what you're getting but then you don't know what you're getting yeah yeah
well but then at least you've you've done somebody else uh a solid by uh being there for them and
i don't know though i don't know if my parents i i i thought for a long time i got very obsessed
about becoming a foster parent so much so that so that I listened to 40 episodes of the Foster Parenting Podcast, which is recorded here in Los Angeles by a lovely Christian couple.
But they don't talk too much about Christ, for which I'm grateful.
But it turns out being a foster parent is a shit ton of work.
It's a lot.
And you have to be very stable and patient and show up to court dates.
A lot of emotional energy.
Yeah.
Keep a relationship with the biological family.
It's on. Oh, really?
Oh, yeah.
That's the rules or the law in L.A. anyways.
It's open adoption for their whole lives unless the parents sever the –
which is good for the kids, I think, so they know.
But it's intense.
Like you're signing up for a lot of hard work.
But I did listen to 40 episodes.
Yeah.
So you're prepared if need be.
Or to encourage someone else to do it.
Yeah.
Encourage them.
Let's do it.
You know what?
Oh, gosh.
Someone sent me that New York Times piece about,
or was it in the New Yorker?
Anyway.
One of the New Yorks.
But it was this whole piece about this mother
who is in this open adoption sort of relationship where she visits her biological child like every twice a year or once a year.
And it's just, I mean, it's a beautiful setup.
It's wonderful.
But like, gosh, like just a gut punch like to your emotions.
To mine as a reader, I was was like yeah oh this is so complicated and so
and so generous and beautiful for the adults to sort of opt into this so anyway yeah it makes
you feel horrible about complaining about being tired interesting interesting have you guys tried
cold brew oh all right wait one more thing about cold brew. When I have cold brew,
I become a killing machine.
You're on it.
You're on it. You know the movie Lucy with Scarlett Johansson?
That's me.
I have not seen that movie.
Can you act it out?
Well, the tagline of it is,
you're only using,
human beings only use 10% of their brains.
And this is a situation where someone is using 100% of their brain.
So that's like me for 15 minutes when like a cold brew sits in.
I'm like, well, we're going to do this.
And I would love to take that meeting.
And look at that.
There's the treatment or whatever I'm doing.
And also I scheduled a vacation and my flights.
Landing.
And then it's like, boosh.
I've completed the paperwork for a 529 plan.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there's
the whole bathroom experience that follows a cold
brew. Oh. And good.
Okay, okay. You get a
stomach disaster.
Now, as a person, I'm embarrassed to say
I have two massive
cold brews per day. Oh my
gosh. Again, I'm on Seroquil's,
which is the non-generic antipsychotic
that is very powerful.
So is that, so those are,
that's you combating that?
Yeah, I'm combating the sleepy, sleepy time.
Oh, I see, that's how you even it out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I still, I do have that same experience
of like having a boat of ideas all at once.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A glorious moment.
And do you look back at the ideas and say, oh, those are cold brew ideas. A glorious moment. And do you look back at the ideas and say,
oh, those are cold brew ideas.
My husband sometimes has to stop me
and go,
why did you invite 12 people
over tonight?
Well, how else are we going to
network?
Yeah, I want to meet people.
I want to get into community.
Well, this is my new.
Get into community.
I'm so, we get AARP magazine, and one of the things they say is the more relationships you have, the longer you'll live.
So Sun Life started seeing human beings as life extenders.
Let me tell you something.
How many days are you getting out of us?
I don't know.
Well, I guess we'll find out.
We'll find out someday.
I think I'm getting a year out of you, Maria Bamford.
I live to 29.
Oh, boy.
It's so creepy, though, because my, yeah, Carmen Morales, who lives with us now, says,
how much time do you think you're getting out of me right now?
Well, if we make eye contact for three to five seconds,
maybe another week?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
You know, this is what you do, Maria.
You invite over 12 people.
You ask those New York Times 36 questions or whatever it is.
Oh, you all fall in love.
To make you fall in love with someone.
Or is that, no, that's not the function,
but it's like 36 questions to get to know someone
as completely as you can in a structured setting.
Wait, is that something different than the Vogue 76 questions?
Yes, well, those are videos.
Okay.
But the 36 questions, like, should we look them up?
Well, no, we can't do this on the podcast.
No.
Because podcasts famously, not a visual medium.
Do we remember what's on there, Brad?
Yeah, like, one of them is, like, the worst moment from your childhood.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you want to do with your life in the next five years?
Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Yeah.
But these are things that are deeply intimate,
and I might not want to share in a given moment.
I can never answer any of those questions.
Do you believe in God?
Yeah.
Do we believe in God?
I believe we're a table of all atheists.
Okay, but yeah.
How is this happening?
All atheists all the time.
The 36 questions that lead to love.
Oh, gosh.
Okay.
Given the choice of anyone in the world,
whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Oh, the dinner guest question.
It's one person.
One person.
Oh, I'd want somebody like my grandmother
who died in a fire of her own making
while drinking and smoking.
Definitely gonna talk to her.
Yeah, and you could buy her dinner
because she needs a break.
All right.
Would you like to be famous in what way?
I mean, I like to be universally beloved.
I believe I said this before.
I want to be beloved by enough people.
This is a hard question.
This is tough.
These are like a little too soul-bearing in a way.
Do you want to be famous?
Oh, yes. In the sense that Do you want to be famous? Oh, yes.
In the sense that
I want everyone to be
because I can't
I have sometimes
difficult saying hi to people.
Right.
And so
if everyone can say hi to me
that would really break the ice.
There you go.
That's why I've been
interested in show business.
It's social efficiency.
And this is a good
that's a good lead into this one.
Before making a telephone call
do you ever rehearse
what you're going to say?
Why? Oh, never for me. They what you're going to say? Why?
Oh, never for me.
They get you with the why there.
And the answer is for me is like,
yes, always because I'm anxious.
Yeah.
It depends on what the phone call would be.
If it's a phone call to like a girlfriend who's mad at me.
Well, then of course.
You got to have a plan.
Yeah, you got to work it all out and go,
but maybe I guess I try got to have a plan. You got to work it all out and go. But maybe I guess I try not to have a plan.
And then then I just you're supposed to just listen.
Yeah.
Honestly, it's about listening and reacting.
And I think that's how a conversation.
I just going to center on me and what I'm saying.
Jumping around here.
Here's a good one.
OK.
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
The concrete truth about one thing.
About yourself.
About yourself, your life, the future, or anything else.
Now, this is like a broad question.
If I don't know the truth about myself, I don't know.
That just seems like a gimme.
Sure.
Or it just seems like I think I know I'm selfish.
Yeah.
I'm self-absorbed.
I mean, I think those are the two main ones.
Do you consider yourself vain?
Vain in a different way, though, in a way where it's like, I don't want to look vain.
Yeah.
You know, like, yeah, I'm just, I don't wear makeup because it doesn't matter to me,
but check it out.
Yeah, but don't you, but really inside you're like,
I'm coming off really naturally grounded.
Right.
I am relatable.
Check it, the check it out.
Hashtag relatable queen.
I would say, I would want to know
how much longer we have on this planet.
Oh, well that's morbid.
It is morbid, but that's the truth
I want. If I'm being told that a crystal
ball, I don't know if you heard about this
crystal ball, but the crystal ball
famously knows and famously doesn't
lie. So I probably just want to
know, like, okay, like, what's the
gig here? What's the grand scheme? Because it
feels like every day, like,
deep, deep, deep, deep, deep. We're getting closer to
you know what's headlines I hate the most?
The doomsday clock took one more second
towards the end of the world.
Fuck that.
I don't want to hear about the doomsday clock.
Yeah, well,
and that sounds like,
you know,
AV Science Club telling us,
I mean,
not that it's not true,
but like,
you know,
wake up.
Sure, sure.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I just think,
I don't think I'd want to know anything, actually.
Okay.
From the ball at all.
Ignorance is bliss.
I would rather be surprised.
Sure.
Like, oh, you're going to die on the way home today.
Or, you know, whatever, your husband leaves you.
It's like, oh, that's weird.
Like, I want to know.
I like a surprise. You would have rather not known that. I wouldn't have thought that's how it would wrap up but all right yeah
cool make three true we statements each for instance we are both in this room feeling
this is this is tough hot it's a little hot we are all hot we are all tied we're all tied and we're all
admitting that oh we're all admitting that yeah we're being honest with each other ourselves
brad and we're all ignoring oh and we all spoke for brad wow interesting but you are a piece of
meat and that's it hope you feel attractive hearing that
pick one more
and then we'll ask
the question
we'll do the last one
this is number 36
what if they stole
our question
what if number 36
was what is the culture
that made you say
culture is free
I would sue
I would sue
I would file a lawsuit
no that's hashtag
no no that's trademark
TM
TM
little TM
in the corner
in the print
community
TM
trademark it go share a personal TM little TM in the corner in the pram community TM no
trademark it
go
share a personal
problem
and ask your
partner's advice
on how
he or she
or they
might handle it
also ask your
partner
to reflect back
to you
how you would
see
how you seem
to be feeling
about the problem
you have chosen
this is a crazy one
this is a lot
but I'll do it do it I have a ladies night where all the ladies to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. Oh, this is a crazy one. This is a lot.
But I'll do it.
Do it.
I have a ladies night where all the ladies are coming over to my house.
I don't know how many ladies that's going to be.
It could be two.
It could be nine.
It is people from all parts of my life.
So it's people who don't know each other,
and it could get weird.
And so I, I feel,
and I'm also, I already have social anxiety, uh, in terms of, I, I, I love controlled communication. I love the podcast. I love a standup. I love a 12 step program. I love a list of questions.
Yeah. You like the parameters. Oh God. You know, when do we stop? When do we start?
Thank you.
I don't like like a, you know, just chit chat in the street with my neighbor.
There you go. When is, when's the hard out on this?
Right, right.
So, yeah.
So I don't know what to do to prepare myself for tonight.
Okay.
Well, first I would say that you seem when you i because you knew what you wanted to say
right away yes i think you are actually on top of this more on top of this than you think okay and i
think that being conscious of the fact that you're going to have many different sort of like
temperatures in the room potentially i think that you are going to be a solid base for everyone
and they'll come to you at your level.
And to add to that, that's how I feel.
I think it's going to go well.
Am I like the Ralph's grocery store roast chicken
in the middle of the room?
I was going to say exactly that.
Yeah.
Who's like, yeah, that's good.
That's the level we're going to be eating at tonight.
You know, if somebody wanted to bring something fancy, that's up to you.
Right.
But we're going with roast chicken.
We're going with the Ralph's roast chicken.
We know what it is.
There are no false pretences about it being a home roasted chicken.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will add to that that yes, the fact that you are aware
of your sort of
your grip on control,
what am I saying?
It just means that you have
the awareness of the concept
which means that you will
have control
in some way.
Maybe not in the ways
that you think you will
but in some way
you'll have control.
But I identify with that
because last night
I was going to meet up
with some new friends
and while I was getting ready and before I was going to get in the lift, I was so panicked.
And I was just like, and there really wasn't any reason to be nervous.
But when I got in the room, I could, and even just seeing what the room looked like and looking at people in the face, I was like, I'm okay now because now I know what the rules are.
You know what I mean?
Like the spatial rules.
There's like the idea of interacting sometimes will terrify me.
And then I don't think anyone would think that about me when they're interacting with me
because I'm pretty good at either faking it or doing it, whatever.
But beforehand, I do get very nervous.
And I start forcing.
Sometimes I do this at a party that I've hosted.
I'll start forcing people to do certain
things like um you guys let's just let's do a um a game yeah yeah yeah just because i'm so freaked
out that i don't know the conversations died or or somebody's yeah and i i want to not do that
like just let it let it be boring. Sure. Right.
The game is a parameter.
The game is a controlled environment.
Yeah.
And I don't even like games.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Interesting.
Because that game means competition,
and you don't know how everyone's going to handle that.
Yeah.
And it might be just fun to chit chat.
I love to chit chat.
And can I tell you what I really don't like the most? When someone says, hold on, you need to see this video.
I don't like to gather.
I don't think so, honey.
When people gather around a computer, we're forced to gather around a computer unless we all are emphatically, enthusiastically consenting to the video.
But when you're out to dinner with someone and they hand you a phone and they say, watch this video.
It's like, eh, I'm not going to be able to hear it the way that it was intended maybe this isn't the moment maybe i've already seen it you know yeah no rack
a raccoon on ibs later we'll watch it later yeah that's something i can do on my downtime right
there you go a raccoon with ibs would be fun yeah honestly no no it was uh it was up this uh what
skyscraper that it was. It was an international sensation.
Oh, wait, yes, you don't remember this?
No.
A raccoon crawling like 50 stories up to the top of a skyscraper in St. Paul.
And pooping?
No, not, I think the tower is called the IBS Tower.
Oh, my God.
Can I tell you what my minds I saw?
A raccoon running up a building having the shits the whole tower. Oh my God. Can I tell you what my minds I saw? A raccoon running up a building
having the shits the whole time.
Trickle down.
Leaving a cascade or waterfall
for those that don't know the word cascade
of raccoon shit.
Which I would imagine is watery for some reason.
Wow.
Well, look at what they eat.
They don't have good diets.
They don't.
They need to get on keto.
But wait a minute.
Did we just admit to ourselves that maybe we don't dislike chitchat after all?
It has its moments.
It has its moments.
But I know that it's not my strong suit.
Sure.
That I sometimes will, yeah, I'll try to connect.
Yeah, I'll either, I've gotten into monologuing a little bit as I've grown older, which is super embarrassing.
No.
When I was shyer, I never did it.
And now I'll hold court.
Do you believe you've become more outgoing over the years?
Outgoing or have the idea that what I'm saying is interesting?
Yes.
Oh, that's the worst. have the idea that what I'm saying is interesting?
That's the worst.
You just gotta get the yes men out of your life and just have people be like
Maria, this is
too much. This story
about the raccoon?
I don't know. Stop right
there. Stop right there.
We didn't know what the IBS was.
No, no, no.
If I can't describe it,
you know, just let it go.
Let it go.
I think it's time to ask the question.
We must ask the question.
Okay, okay, great.
And this question is what we ask all of our guests.
And it's a question of culture.
Okay.
Maria Bamford,
when did you decide that culture was for you?
Like growing up,
like you saw a movie
or were influenced in some way by music
or a particular television show or something like that.
Something in pop culture that you feel sort of steered you in your cultural direction.
Maybe even changed your life.
This is the first thing that came to mind when I heard that question.
The show Three's Company.
Wow, good one.
I just, I love the camaraderie of the show Three's Company. Wow, good one. I just, I love the camaraderie of the show.
And then it had a little bit of sexiness.
Yeah, it was very sexy.
And then the physical comedy
and that he would keep falling over the couch
and that it was in California.
And I knew California was an interesting, dangerous place.
So it was that element of there's something unknown here.
It's an edgy show for its time.
We've gotten some flack in the past on this show
for mis-summarizing.
Oh, yeah.
I thought I knew what the...
It's been a very long time.
I used to watch it on Nick at Night.
Yeah, yeah.
And I thought I knew what the plot of's been a very long time. I used to watch it on Nick at Night. Yeah, yeah. And I thought I knew what the plot of the show was.
And you said.
I was like, he pretend that he's gay so he can live with the two hot girls.
Is that right?
No.
No, it's that the guy, they won't rent to him if he's a straight dude with two hot girls.
So he has to say that he's gay
so that he's not hooking up with the two straight girls.
Oh.
So it's this really weird moral window in our culture
where it's like, I don't ever remember that being a thing.
Yeah, I don't know.
At least that's what I remember what it was.
But I don't remember that being,
except for, yeah, the goofy upstairs-downstairs thing
where people would be switching places because he had to be gone and they had different beds different places.
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was one fierce physical comedian.
Oh, my goodness.
Yeah.
Yeah, so good.
But I never thought I could be on a show like that, but I just thought, oh, that's interesting. I mean, I had listened to stand-ups like Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy with my dad.
And that was heartening.
But I never, I guess I didn't really think.
And I watched Carol Burnett.
But anyways, I just remember I loved Three's Company for some bizarre reason.
And it was Anne Pepe Le Pew.
Do you remember?
Oh, sure. That was my sexual awakening. Oh,, and Pepe Le Pew, do you remember Pepe Le Pew? Oh, sure.
That was my sexual awakening.
Oh, wow, Pepe.
I was like,
what is this feeling that I feel?
I mean, you feel attractive.
He's flirting with you through the screen.
Yeah, he was painting that cat
to look like a skunk
and she was trying to get away from him
because she wasn't a skunk.
And then like somehow,
I mean, it's the weird.
It was his bravado it was his
pursuit confidence and the pursuit confidence and and yeah no he knowing that he she loved him even
though anyways and a bit i'm sure it's a bit of that romance novel rape fantasy thing yeah yeah
not the greatest no not the i don't know in this social
climate how peppy lepew is holding up sure peppy lepew is on a list but i mean who's to say that
the cat didn't feel attractive wasn't didn't we don't know but that's the that's the thing is
it's not for us to say and we never heard it and therefore maybe it doesn't matter. The look on her face though
was of confusion and shock.
Of course.
It wasn't of delight.
It wasn't of delight.
Right, right.
I don't know if there was
enthusiastic consent.
So we always say on the show
podcast or visual media
we have to make the visual emphatic
that we're all confused
and shocked and upset
in this moment.
We're very stirred.
Very stirred. By Pepe Le yeah. In this moment. We're very stirred. Very stirred.
Bye Pepe, love you.
I honestly, Three's Company,
I'm very grateful that I was growing up
in a time when that was on Nick at Night.
Because I actually,
people that are even a little bit younger than us
don't have any idea what that is,
what I Love Lucy is.
I can't believe that people don't know
what I Love Lucy is, but where would they have i can't believe that people don't know what i love lucy
is but where would they have access to it if they're if television just isn't showing it
um or people don't watch tv anymore they watch youtube right right or they have to like opt in
through several filters to be like okay i'm gonna go on netflix and then i'm gonna and then i'm
gonna decide on what to watch where it's like you just turn on the tv and then it would come to you
yeah i try to think of what i would watch if I were a baby today.
And I think if I were a baby today, I would just watch Swedish murder shows.
Right.
Honestly, you know what's funny is like the old shows now they're showing.
I did air quotes, y'all.
The quote unquote old shows are like friends.
And I mean,
you know,
the old will and grace.
They've aged.
Sure.
Right.
But it's so funny to think about those as like the classic shows that we're
showing you.
Yeah.
And not like even the facts of life.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Not even like cheers.
Like,
right.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
Where?
And like,
they have to be seen.
Sure.
I love Lucy has to be seen.
Everyone has to know Vita by the Vegeman.
Yeah. Yeah. I Love Lucy has to be seen. Everyone has to know Vida Vida Vegeman. Yeah, yeah.
I Love Lucy is very good.
The only thing is I compare myself with her
because I'm a lady, the comedian.
I go, oh, again, she has the kind of energy
that I will never have.
Sure.
It's okay.
I'm a one podcast day lady,
and I'm not even hosting it.
But hey, you're not wearing yourself out with cigarettes.
Like you're not chain smoking like Lucille did.
Right?
Was she a chain smoker?
Oh yeah.
And then her voice got all sort of raspy
and gorgeous by the end.
Yeah, Joan Rivers too,
to the very last day was
gotta keep the weight down.
Grinding.
I saw her.
Was she important for you? Joan?
Joan Rivers. Yes.
I didn't relate as much to her because she was so
different. Yeah, she's so
balls out or whatever.
I am much more
demure, passive
aggressive.
She was aggressive. Yeah, yeah.
Which is awesome.
I think that's more genuine sometimes.
My husband's from Philadelphia originally
and I'm trying to learn from him, you know,
like just say it.
Hey, that sucks.
Well, you did it.
You're an idiot.
Can I tell you something?
You're going to get a chance to do that literally right now.
What?
Because this is the time for our segment, I Don't Think So, Honey,
which is our segment that we do on every episode,
which is you take one minute to rant, or if you don't want to rant,
to emphatically state or plainly state something in culture
or something in life that bugs you like nothing else
you say
I don't think so honey
this thing
Bowen and I will demonstrate
we do this every episode
it's our one minute
to rant about something
in culture
and I have something
you have something
from years of experience
I have something
okay so
we'll demonstrate
this is Matt Rogers
I don't think so honey
his time starts now
I don't think so honey
couples who give PDA
in restaurants oh I don't think so honey because as starts now i don't think so honey couples who give pda in restaurants
i don't think so honey because as a server it's very difficult for me in my 10 years serving to
engage with you while you are doing this and also i don't think so honey if you tell me that you
didn't get good service but you were clearly engaged in pda the whole time when i was trying
to do my job and i i think so, honey, myself as a server.
For many years, I was very good.
Towards the end, do we care less?
Yeah.
But I don't think so, honey.
30 seconds.
Also, people are eating and like it's distracting.
Not that affection is disgusting, but I don't think so, honey, in a mixed company setting,
you come out to be in public.
And also, I don't think't think so honey when people sit on
the same side of the booth when couples are sitting on the same side of the booth i'm always just like
i don't know because now i feel like interacting with you both is is strange maybe i'm i'm thinking
too inside the box in terms of restaurant interaction but i don't think so honey these
couples who make it about them in restaurants let Let people die. And that's one minute.
Wonderful.
Gosh.
That to me feels...
Good to know.
Selfish.
Yes, so when I see you and the hubby out there...
Oh God, and our tongues out.
Yeah, your tongue's wagging.
Put them back in the mouth.
Eyes flapping.
My husband's peen is peeking out.
His peen's peeking out.
Peen's poking.
Everything.
I'm sloshing in my pants. Boob on a head. Boob on a head. His peen's peeking out. Peen's poking. Everything. I'm sloshing in my head.
Boob on a head.
Boob's on his head.
His butt's on the plate.
I don't think so.
Your foot's in his mouth.
Oh, that's fun.
Listen, nothing like a prune feed.
That's what we do.
I feed him prunes.
That's an old Christian, teen Christian church game.
A prune feed.
Oh, a prune feeding.
Yeah, it's just something fun.
You put a plastic baggy on your foot
and then you feed the guys prunes.
That is fun.
And see who can eat the most.
What did you do at the lockout?
We did prune feeds.
I used to try to bite Henry's toe
and he really didn't like it.
Oh, your ex-boyfriend.
Yeah.
Anyway, that's a little sharing.
No, no, this is awesome.
I just thought sometimes,
well, this is,
sometimes when he didn't like,
he didn't like to be tickled.
And I would say that most people don't,
will not.
You don't like to be tickled?
I don't like it.
It's a good thing you're not in a relationship with me.
Matt, this is an issue of,
I will say there's some element of consent in tickling
where the tickled party,
if they don't like it, you gotta stop.
Well, he would laugh.
But that's the thing about getting tickled.
That's what's crazy about tickling.
It's a physiological response to laugh.
Yes, even though you're laughing, you're not liking.
Exactly.
Well, we're all learning more.
And more and more each day.
I have one, I have one.
This is Bowen Yang's I Don't Think So Honey,
and he has one, people.
And his time starts now.
I Don't Think So Honey,
these small-ass headphones.
I Don't Think So Honey,
normative head sizes, even.
I can't pull off baseball caps for my life.
And now I gotta deal with these headphones all week
that are just constricting my blood flow to my head.
My most important part of my body, shall we say.
Yes.
I will go out on a limb and say my head is the most important part of my body.
And to have these small headphones that press up against my ear, that jam my glasses into my skull.
I haven't thought about that.
You know, the pain is insidious it's not
painful but over time
it can really
drive you to
madness shall we say
because the headwear
in general for me
I've always had to walk through this life
and navigate spaces with nothing
on my head and sometimes I want
an extra layer of protection
that I can't have because the market is working against me.
And that's one minute.
And that's one minute.
And you know what?
We are all privileged to have tiny heads.
Absolutely.
You all are.
And mine is too big.
Oh, no, I have a giant head too.
You do?
I got an extra large graduation cap.
They had to order it specially.
See?
What?
I had to do the same for me and
my whole life it's been this thing that
I've had to accept but no longer.
I think my head is also big and look
at how the back of my skull juts out.
Oh, yes. You see it, right?
It's not normal. That's a fucked up pillow
your mom put you on as a child, maybe.
Are you saying my mother didn't raise
me perfect? I might.
You'll have to answer to her.
She's a listener of the pod. She's a listener of the pod.
She's lovely.
Oh, she loves the pod.
What's her name?
Her name is Katrina.
Katrina.
Hello, Katrina.
Oh, she will love that.
You've done such a lovely job of raising your son.
Thank you so much.
At least Maria thinks so.
Yeah.
Fine.
And now we're going to find out what else Maria thinks.
Because it's time for your I Don't Think So Honey.
Okay.
And Maria Bamford.
This is my first one. Yes, first one. First of many, we hope. Okay.'s time for your I don't think so, honey. Okay. And Maria Bamford. This is my first one.
Yes, first one.
First of many, we hope.
Okay.
Your time starts now.
Okay.
I don't think so, honey.
Every time I go for cold brew
at Starbucks
and they are out.
Oh.
They're out at 10 a.m.
That is unkind, unfair.
You have this big poster. This floor-to-ceiling poster that says cold brew.
It has a beautiful picture of a foaming cold brew with foam on the top.
I've grown addicted.
You've given me the substance that I have to have.
30 seconds.
Otherwise, I'm going to feel really depressed all day.
And I'm genuinely depressed.
I've tried to have an iced coffee.
It's not good.
Oh, an iced Americano.
Do you want an iced Americano?
Do you want a cup of spit?
15 seconds.
I bet they don't.
No, it's not fair.
I do appreciate that you create the pint-sized bottles that take to go.
Thank you.
Five seconds.
If you could have that at every Starbucks in every airport that I'm at, I'd really appreciate it.
Thank you, Starbucks.
Wow.
That's one minute.
I bet every listener is nodding their head emphatically because I don't think so, honey, when people advertise things that they do not have.
If you have a sign, it should be there at all times.
And I've been a terrible restaurant employee.
I respect what you did.
We are the elite.
But I was not good at it.
And there were times when I didn't do a good job,
where I'd say, oh, we're out of Diet Coke.
That happens a lot, too.
Hey, isn't there a thing where you bring it up from
the basement and then hook it up to the machine oh i guess i could do that yeah yeah yeah for sure
anyways i i think it's it's just me being irritated with my past self looking myself
in and you know in real time and going you're out of cold brew? I know you could make it.
Yeah, that's the thing.
It's like you are a coffee place.
I don't think it's acceptable
to be out of what is essentially coffee.
And yet, are they being fairly paid?
Probably not.
Probably not.
I don't know.
I think the Starbucks people are pretty good.
A living wage is $25 an hour
in New York and Los Angeles
if you want to live in a, I think it's a share one bedroom apartment.
You know what?
I think you're, that's definitely,
and it's definitely, that's definitely not what they're going to pay.
No.
Yeah.
I will say you contending with your own service past,
food service past, is about, it's not about inventory,
like it might be at Starbucks where they might just be out of cold brew
and they have to brew more and it'll take however many hours.
That is just them just sort of not having their inventory straight.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, no, no, no.
Their stock or whatever.
I can't stand when they're not on top of refilling supplies.
And it's also like 10 in the morning.
It wasn't like, you know, 1.
Yeah, no, it wasn't like 5 p.m it's like i and and i think as
an addict um i it's it doesn't feel fair right um you've set me up to meet this and then uh the bar
doesn't open till four yeah yeah that's not right this isn't okay this isn't okay so i want to
congratulate you on being very aggressive.
Thank you.
You were incredibly aggressive.
I complained.
Yes.
And I'm not, I was worried that I wouldn't be as good.
Thank you so much.
No, you did it.
You were a pro.
That was a good one.
You were a pro. Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
And a pro through and through.
And also, it's truly our honor to have you on this podcast.
Las Culturistas. Thank you.
I'm grateful to be a part of the
Las Culturistas.
Yes, my dad can't say it either.
And some people said the other day,
Culturistas. I was like, I think you might be
doing too much. You're trilling a little bit too much
on that. It's just Culturistas.
There you go. Culturistas.
Marina Bamford did an impression of me.
I'm honored.
Me gusta.
Dinero, dinero, dinero.
We finished every episode with a little song, Bowen.
Yes.
And what will that song be?
Oh, that song will be.
Here we go.
When a girl like you go when a girl
like you
when a girl
like you
listen
the music video
is good
we don't know
the words
maybe that's a comment
on the song itself
but the music video
made me cry.
Love you, Maroon 5.
Love you, Adam Levine.
Thank you so much, Maria Bamford.
Thank you for having me.
Bye.
Bye.
Forever.
Dog.
This has been a Forever Dog production.
Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey.
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I'm Joe Gatto.
I'm Steve Byrne.
Together we do the Two Cool Moms podcast,
which is a podcast where we help dispense advice
to our loyal listeners.
Everybody has an issue.
Everybody has something that they need help with.
Right.
And that's where we come in.
Because our moms, we're cool moms,
we like to think that we have inherited their maternal advice,
and we try to just do some good.
Besides being comedians, we love to help. Guys, bring us your queries. They could be
personal questions. They could be serious. They could be lighthearted. But know this,
we are here for you. Yeah, you can find us wherever you listen to your podcast or on the
iHeartRadio app. Hey, I'm Gianna Pradenti. And I'm Jermaine Jackson-Gadsden. We're the
hosts of Let's Talk Offline from LinkedIn News and iHeart Podcasts.
There's a lot to figure out when you're just starting your career.
That's where we come in.
Think of us as your work besties you can turn to for advice.
And if we don't know the answer, we bring in people who do,
like negotiation expert Maury Tahiripour.
If you start thinking about negotiations as just a conversation,
then I think it sort of eases us a little bit.
Listen to Let's Talk Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey there, I'm Dr. Maya Shankar, and I'm a scientist who studies human behavior.
Many of us have experienced a moment in our lives that changes everything,
that instantly divides our life into a before and an after. On my podcast, A Slight Change of Plans,
I talk to people about navigating these moments.
Their stories are full of candor and hard-won wisdom.
And you'll hear from scientists who teach us
how we can be more resilient in the face of change.
Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey, y'all. Nimany here.
I'm the host of a brand-new history podcast
for kids and families called Historical Records.
Executive produced by Questlove, The Story Pirates, and John Glickman, Historical Records brings history to life through hip-hop.
Get the kids in your life excited about history by tuning in to Historical Records.
Listen to Historical Records on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.