Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - "I Don't Think So, Honey! 10" (Part 1)

Episode Date: January 16, 2019

The 10th installment of “I Don’t Think So, Honey!” Live is here! Part One featuring: Lauren Holt, Alexis G. Zall, Candice Thompson, Big Dipper, Alaska Thunderfuck, Lucia Aniello, Gabe Liedman, Paul W. Downs, Max Silvestri, Sabrina Jalees, Jess McKenna, Zach Reino, Andrew Ti, Kyle Ayers, Tawny Newsome, Price Peterson, Dan Robert, Michael Benjamin, Allen Strickland Williams, Zach Noe Towers, Mike Castle, Mary Holland, Daniel Franzese, Erin Whitehead, and Lauren Lapkus.Hosted by Matt Rogers & special guest co-host Joel Kim Booster!---MERCH! MERCH! GET YOUR LAS CULTURISTAS MERCH!https://www.teepublic.com/stores/las-culturistasSUBSCRIBE ON APPLE PODCASTS TODAY!LAS CULTURISTAS IS A FOREVER DOG PODCAST. LAS CULTURISTAS IS PRODUCED BY EMMA FOLEY.http://foreverdogproductions.com/fdpn/podcasts/las-culturistas/ Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City are back. I love that. I love that. Oh my gosh. Welcome. And last season's drama was just the tip of the iceberg. You're recording us? I am disgusted.

Never in a million years after everything we've been through did I think that you would reach out to our sworn enemy. We were friends. How could you do this to me? I don't trust her. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Wednesdays at 9 on Bravo, or stream it on City TV+. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez was found off the coast of Florida. And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba?

Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home, and he wanted to take his son with him. Or back to his father in Cuba? Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or stay with his relatives in Miami? Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. And we are super excited to tell you about our new show, Dudes on Dudes. We're spilling all the behind-scenes stories, crazy details,

and honestly, just having a blast talking football. Every week, we're discussing our favorite players of all times, from legends to our buddies to current stars. We're finally answering the age-old question, what kind of dudes are these dudes? We're going to find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Sheryl Swoops. And I'm Tarika Foster-Brasby. And on our new podcast, we're talking about the real obstacles women face day to day. Because no matter who you are, there are levels to what we experience as women. And T and I have no problem going there. Listen to Levels to This with Sheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster-Brasby, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Forever. Dog. Look, Matt. There. Oh, I see. Wow. Bowen, look over there. Wow, is that? Forever Dog Matt Rogers and Joel Kim Booster. Hello, everybody. Hello. Or should I say ding dong, Las Culturistas calling.

But without Bowen Yang you guys I'm furious I just realized this outfit's gonna be hidden behind a fucking fold out table for the whole night

but they can see your crown they can see my crown that is true you guys Matt had the audacity to email everybody on the show tonight

and tell them explicitly turn a look and then he comes looking like a Kohl's catalog I'm wearing basics, and basics are in for gay men, I hear.

Sure, sure, sure. I was told by cast member on the show tonight, Greta Teitelman, that I looked like a hot LA gay in this. Sure, sure, sure, sure. But these people literally risked their lives coming here in the rain. Can I say, if you bought a ticket

to this event, and you didn't show up because of the rain, I don't think so, honey. I have to tell you, this is the one thing about LA. I've lived here for a year and I still cannot get over how fucking insane this city goes when it rains. Everyone has to talk about it. I haven't lived here long enough that rain is a good predication for a conversation.

I'm told that it does so less than five days a year. Is this true? Is this a real figure? We got a lot of meteorologists here, Joey. It's rained like five times in the last seven days. It's crazy. Is this as cold as it gets? This is about as cold as it gets. And it's miserable.

I didn't move here for this shit. Oh, fuck. I certainly didn't come here for six days time for this shit. For imperfection? Can I say really quickly about the ensemble? You can say as quickly or as long as you want. This is exactly what Bowen Yang wore to the last live show that he was at. He literally wore this to Queers Live at Joe's Pub in New York.

Yeah, because I wanted to make it easier for you guys, you know, like, I didn't want to shock you with a new co-host, you know, like, I wanted to make it as easy as possible. We're both Asian. We're both wearing the same thing. Waiting patiently for someone to come up

and be like, I love your guys' podcast, so I can hit you. Yeah. Please don't confuse us. This outfit is a trap. We should say this is Joel Kimbooster and I am Matt Rogers.

Hi! And this is so funny. This is I Don't Think So Honey Live. That's so funny to me. Our second ever in Los Angeles, Jolie. Does anybody here not know what I Don't think so honey live means spiritually

so you guys who yeah spiritually logistically you know what it is you're here they're all ashamed they're raising their hand like they're in a sociology class right now let's do this who listens to the podcast I live for

people who raise their hands. You raise your hand. Like a good class. A little Hufflepuffs or a little Ravenclaws. It's actually rule of culture number four. All fans of Las Culturistas are Hufflepuffs. Proudly.

Hufflepuffs, Leather and Rising. You gotta be. Wow. To make it in this biz, you gotta be one or the other. Nobody cares if you're fucking brave when you're going to an audition, bitch, okay? Well, wait, what is it? Does it make me a Slytherin if I

talk about frequently how I'm a Gryffindor? Is that like Slytherin? I think it's like one of those things where like you're theing Hat is like, you're bi. Yeah, right, right, right. You choose. Yeah, okay.

Harry, you're bi. When you find out that the Sorting Hat was really there just as like, what would you call it? Like sort of, he was just kind of there. Like he really let you decide. It's like, why the fuck do we even have him? Yeah, just let people tell you what they want to be in. And you know, you go to the Wizarding World, you can't even put the hat on.

That's my big criticism of the Wizarding World. Is that I want to go to Harry Potter and find out where I truly belong. And they do not do that. They let you pick your own scarf for $44. And you know I have one of each. For however I'm feeling during that day. Have you made it to any

of the parks this trip? No, I wanted to go. Remember we walked, we were driving like this. He's from New York. He doesn't know. So we were driving down the road and there was one sign for Wizarding World of Harry Potter Universal and there was one

sign for Disneyland and I was like, we have to go and it's impossible to go this trip. We're just too tightly scheduled. But I said, for next time we must go and then he revealed he had never been. Never been to a park. Never been to a Disney. Never been to a Harry Potter. He's a Six Flags queen. I'm a Six Flags

queen. I'm trash and I have a death wish. Oh, the odds of you dying at a Six Flags are extraordinarily high. Can I say some beef with you really quickly? With me personally? Yeah, with you. I want to reveal it to everyone in front of you. You guys, you and Bowen, when you do these shows, you always start with a song. You do like a dance, a song, something like that.

And I'm really sad that you didn't ask me to sing, especially because I famously have a much better voice than Bowen. Perfect pitch. Pitch is relative. It's subjective. Good singing is subjective. And in my world, I have a much better voice than Bowen, and everybody knows that, and I want to get this. Do not cut this out.

First of all, you can deal with his wrath when he hears that you believe. I'll never see him again. I'll never see him again. He only exists in my ears. What song would we have sang? Because I thought about it. I thought we could have done Suddenly Seymour, but that would have just been for you because I don't fucking know that song.

I have a cultural blind set for, what's that, Little Shop. Well, literally, I don't fucking know that song. I have a cultural blind set for, what's that? Little Shop. Yeah. Well, literally, I don't know. I was in Little Shop in high school. Famously. And you know who Audrey 2,

the voice of Audrey 2 in my high school reaction of Little Shop was? Shea Coulee. Winner of RuPaul's Drag Race season nine. Yeah. Did you say the winner? Did I? I think you had a Freudian moment and you said the winner of RuPaul's Drag Race.

I must have had a stroke. All Stars 10! Yeah, here we go. Oh God, I'm so sorry. And here's why, Joel, you would have had to show up on time to rehearse a number. Bitch, you're in LA.

Nobody shows up on time in LA. I said if I could get here on a plane, y'all can get here in the rain. It's true. But wait, here're in LA. Nobody shows up on time in LA. I said, if I could get here on a plane, y'all can get here in the rain. It's true. But wait, here's the thing. I know some of you who may follow me on Twitter know that there's been a great mystery surrounding me for the past several days.

And that is, which West Hollywood gay bar did I take a shit in? And quite frankly, when he told me, I was shocked. I was rocked to my core because it is a disgusting place. So take a shit. Now I'm raising the stakes. Wait, where's the music, people? The West Hollywood gay bar

where I took a shit on Sunday fully blacked out at 6pm was chapel 6 p.m. Was Chapel. Mind you, we were at three separate bars with single occupancy bathrooms that he could have done this in.

It is just one strip of bars. He could have waltzed back over to Beaches and took a shit in Beaches. But no, you said, I want to do it in front of the people. No, there was a door. Although I will say this. Chapel has those kind of urinals.

And this is one of my I don't think so honeys. Chapel has those kind of urinals where you just line up and everyone's in full view. A trough, if you will. A trough, if you will. Thank you for that. That cultural knowledge and know-how.

But in a gay bar, that's just like everyone showing each other their dicks, right? The guy next to me whipped his dick out two feet away from the urinal. It's a beautiful part of our culture. Set it into place. And then we all verbally commented on it.

We were all like, healthy cock. He got exactly what he asked for. He's so clinical. So listen. How else are you faring with LA? Do you like it? Oh, I like LA. I like LA. Can I give you a little piece of advice?

I'll be here for pilot C's. Oh, thank God. So say goodbye to all your roles. I'm here to scoop them up. Can't wait to see that under five on mom. I think I'd be good on mom. Actually.

I think you'd be great on mom as well. Here's my thing. because I'm not grounded you are going to meet so many people and this is my beef this would have been my I don't think so honey tonight if I were doing a pre-select but don't you are going to meet so many people

the people who feel the need to be like oh no we've already met before fuck off how dare you I am 30 years old the people who feel the need to be like, oh no, we've already met before. Fuck off. How dare you? I am 30 years old. I've lived half the life that I plan on living. Okay. That's half my lifespan.

I've met so many goddamn people. And if you want me to remember you, be more memorable. Yeah, that's the thing. But here's, here's my advice for you is that what I started to do to avoid this trap is I never say nice to meet you anymore.

I only ever say good to see you. And to continue the conversation, I also always go, how long have you been out here now? I always say nice to see you. This all can backfire though. How long have you been out here now? Well, it's working for me this year

because I'm new. And so like anybody I've met has probably only I met in Chicago or New York and so it's been working swimmingly, honestly. Do you ever do this? Do you ever do like, do you guys know each other? Oh, all the time. And they go, I think so. Kayla.

And she goes, Alexa. And they're like and then you know who they are. A useful tool for everyone. It's really dicey to do that around groups of gay men, though, because there are, not a lot of people know this, there are only 16 gay men in LA. And they're all named Chris. Yeah, and it's tough.

It's tough, because they all have met in the back room of Aspinoff. So it is rough. That was a shout-out for five people who go. All the cool people. You guys, current events are happening as we speak. I just wanted to address,

I wanted to address my favorite news item of today, which will be irrelevant in three weeks when we release this, but I feel we must speak on it. Natalie Portman and Jessica Simpson

are feuding. And must speak on it. Natalie Portman and Jessica Simpson are feuding. And we gotta address it. I would feel irresponsible as a La Culturista if I didn't sit here and say, Team Jessica. No, you stupid bitch. And that's exactly who you are. Go to school, bitch. You would be Team Natalie, you fucking bitch.

Go to school, you fucking bitch. Go to school, you fucking bitch. You are dumb. You are dumb. You are dumbest person I have ever met. You are dumb. You are dumb. You are fucking so stupid. No, you are the dumbest person.

And I would never talk to Bone like this. And he would never speak to me like this. How dare you come for Queen Amidala? She was... She gave you everything. She was god awful enough. She put her life on the line for the Republic. Honey, that actress needs

a good director. If she doesn't have a good director, she's at sea. Oh, at sea. She's at sea. She's like all those fucking sea chickens that Jessica Simpson, honest to God. You know what? It's a billion dollars. You say the name Jessica Simpson,

she somehow makes a billion dollars. Natalie Portman was not talking shit or judging Jessica Simpson in that quote. Natalie Portman was very rightly saying that the messaging in that era was confused. That we were expecting women to be both virgins and sexual. That is what she meant. And why attack Jessica? You read a book. Read a book.

Read a different book. Read a fucking book. You read a different book than the ones that you read. Read one single book. I have read upwards of 14 books. I will sit below you. I have read upwards of 14 books. All the Harry Potters.

In Cold Blood. And all the, like, six of the lady comedy autobiographies. Bossy Pants? I loved it. Fuck you. Fuck you. I can't, you would be Team Natalie. And also this.

Because she's great. I have to say something. Natalie was not done for anybody in that book. I feel irresponsible if I don't say this. When we saw the trailer for A Star Is Born, Joel said in a group chat called Twink Corers, which is the name of our group chat,

although it's not as good as the one with your LA gaze, which is called Destroyer in theaters on December 21st. That's very good. I said that A Star is Born looked phenom. And then Joel said he was going to be

contrarian no matter what. That is not what I said. Yes, he did. That is not what I said. It was implied. Well, thank God the movie was dog shit and I was right. You are here to create enemies. And I'm here to say,

is Natalie Portman playing, yeah, fix your crown, is Natalie Portman playing Lady Gaga? Oh, she's absolutely playing Lady Gaga. She's doing full Gaga. There's a literal moment, I think, in the trailer for Vox Lux, where she says, put your paws up.

Like, I'm almost, I don't think so, honey, calling it Vox Lux when we have an A on Flux right? Vox Lux is hard to say I don't like it I want to go down to the corner store and get a Vox Lux and everything Babel with a Vox Lux

you know sounds good this is a good dialect work I'm doing so here's the real deal we're here tonight to do I Don't Think So Honey live. It's not just going to be me screaming at Matt to read for three hours. Although I think he... Joel thinks that he's the fucking shit because he was a competitive Bible quizzer.

So whatever the fuck that means. I'm going to memorize a lot of shit. Okay. So what we're going to do tonight is do I Don't Think So Honey, which is 60 seconds of rants from everyone coming up on the stage. 50 comedians, people,

are going to come up here and they're going to do 60 second rants on something in pop culture that just may have something to say about. And so I guess we should demonstrate how that will go. Wouldn't you say, Joel? I think that's a good idea.

So let me break out my phone, which will act as a timer which I shattered on the street of West Hollywood on Sunday night. We should use mine. That's fully protected by a case. Okay, yeah. He's sociopath. I ordered a case from our merch store on Tee Public And so can you

Alright so I'm going to go first with a pre-prepared I don't think so honey topic There are two options tonight So I'm going to show you what it's like to rehearse and prepare Here we go Okay Are you guys ready for this? Matt okay he's there

Matt Your I don't think so honey Okay, are you guys ready for this? Matt, okay, he's there. Matt. Yes. Your I don't think so, honey. You're going to not like this one. Time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Balloons. Balloons.

You are fucking loud when you pop. I don't fucking think so. Every time I'm around you, I look at you and my instinct is to be afraid. And yet you parade around saying we are for fun. In fact, oftentimes you say fun things such as happy birthday. But guess what? It doesn't fucking matter when I'm cowering in the corner because of pop sound.

Also balloons, you take a long time to blow up. I don't think so, honey. I could be taking that time mixing drinks, creating cocktails in my mind. I'm a very creative person. I don't think so, honey balloons. You are rubber. Plastic and rubber, correct?

So oftentimes what happens when you do pop is you become much smaller and you get eaten by dogs. Or kids that travel on the ground like a dog. I don't think so, honey. Balloons? The air should be in my lungs. And that's one minute.

Matt Rogers, everybody. That was good. I don't know why you thought I would be against that. I hate balloons as well. You famously say that you don't like I don't think so, honey's dad or not about specific pop cultural topics. I don't like latex. I don't like rubber. I don't do it. He only likes latex with strangers.

Alright, wait. Do you want to explain what I'm about to do here? So you go over there and stand over there so they can see your outfit because I know that's what you want. A little tucked. This is the Troll Bowl, everyone. The Troll Bowl is filled with topics that are difficult to go negative on, but you absolutely must.

Prior I Don't Think So Honey Troll Bowl topics have included Princess Diana, Jean Benet Ramsey, Julie Andrews, and the like. But we are going to see what Joel's going to get here. I fucking hate this. And he must go negative on it. Okay. Wow, bitch.

All right. Joel Kim Booster, your I Don't Think So Honey topic is the pop singer Ariana Grande. Oh, goodness. And your time starts now. I Don't Think So Honey, Ariana Grande. You are anti-queer, apparently. Yes, I saw your video for Thank U, Next, and I have one word to say to that. No.

You used three very basic pop culture touchstones. How dare you use Mean Girls for most of the video, but not bring back Lindsay Lohan. She needed that. She needed a win, honey, and you didn't give it to her, but you gave it to Aaron Samuels, who is maybe a cycling instructor in West Hollywood right now. He already has the world, okay? And I will tell you another thing, Ariana Grande. You should have used video movie references from Nancy Meyers films

because the message of every Nancy Meyers film is thank you next, okay? So in conclusion, Ariana Grande. Five seconds. I would like to say if you're going to use pop culture references in the future, please make sure you check with the editors-in-chief

at Into Magazine. And that's one minute. Joke and booster, everybody. Not my best, not my best. I thought it was fabulous. Not my worst. I will say this, at the Bell House the other night, we did a New York show

I did an I Don't Think So Honey Thank You Next and that was the day it was released and the audience tried to kill me They tried to kill me but here's the thing, we've seen those movies we know I will say the best performance in the video it's not who you think, it is of course

the Jennifer Garner wig I do love that she did randomly, she put 13 going on 30 performance in the video. It's not who you think. It is, of course, the Jennifer Garner wig. I do love that she did, randomly, she put 13 Going on 30 on the same level as Bring It On, Me and Girls, and whatever that was. It was a choice. And it's amazing. It's an amazing movie. It proves that Jennifer Garner is a star, but that wig.

Yes, but here's the thing. If you're going to do 13 Going on 30, and you're doing the classic scenes from all these movies, you do the best scene from 13 Going on 30, which is... The Thriller dance! The one where they dance to Thriller! Not the end of the movie

where she's sad at someone else's wedding. And if you're going to do that, bring in Mark Ruffalo. No. Oh my God. Who I famously let break my arm in bed. It is insane too. Jennifer Coolidge's scene

in that video is an atrocity. Like, it is crazy. It is like they spent 10 years working on those looks and then Jennifer Coolidge

showed up to set and she was like, where are the sides? Where's the script? There's no script. Oh no. I'm sorry. I was supposed to write it

but I was tracking down a Jennifer Garner wig. All right. So that's a full, thorough, I don't think so, honey, on thank you next. And now, are we ready to get started with the show? Wait, Matt, we have one last thing we need to do. I guess we have. Before we announce the names, I have a little. One final ritual, which is, I never see.

Shout out to our sponsors, Double Scorpio, Poppers. You took a big one. Yeah. You took a big one. Yeah, this is a big one. It is big. Oh, God. Okay. They're artisanal. It's a cute bottle. It is a cute bottle.

Everyone, this first group coming to the stage is called I Want a Divorce. Everyone, please give it up for Lauren Holt. Please give it up for Alexis Giselle. And give it up for Candice Thompson. Do me a favor and start respecting Big Dipper. And finally, honey,

I want you to turn your attention from Planet Glamtron. I hope you douche, bitch. It is Alaska Thunderfuck! Help her! Help her! icons amongst us a standing ovation we gotta go lauren holt has to get to mod night everyone please welcome lauren Please welcome Lauren Holt. Yes. Lauren Holt, my friend, let me ask you, are we doing a trollable or are we doing a prepared I don't think so, honey? Honey, we're doing a prepared I don't think so, honey.

Someone did homework. Classic. Lauren Holt, it's time for your I don't think so, honey, and your time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Fucking motorcycles, okay? Yes. If you live in LA, then you know my pain, all right? Motorcycles are the straight white men of vehicles. They think they can go wherever the fuck they want. They can park on the fucking sidewalk, I guess. That's so fun. They can also just go between cars on the highway. What's happening? Am I crazy? No, I'm not.

I'm a responsible driver. 30 seconds. Learn how to drive a car. It shall protect you. It is not our fault if you get hit. Okay? So I'm sorry. Do not give me the finger as I give you one when you go through my lane.

Okay? 15 seconds. You can wait. You can wait as we all have to in this traffic hole of a place. Am I right? I don't think so, honey. Motorcycles. Five seconds. See you at your funerals. And that's one minute.

That was Lauren Holt. Venom. Venom. That's what I like to see. Those motorcycles, they go vroom, vroom, vroom whenever they want. I will say, I do think that crotch rockets, I've always identified as Asian males, not white males, but. And that conversation will continue.

This fall on Bravo. It's time to turn up. Think you've seen it all? I don't think you've been a good friend to me lately. We're friends like that. Who needs enemies? You ain't seen nothing yet. Cheers to being Germanic.

With the Real Housewives of Potomac. Oh my gosh, can I take this in? It's gonna be amazing. New York City. Everyone is a gossip. No one gets a happier life. Salt Lake City. We don't wear pastels, we wear fashion.

And below deck sailing out. You broke the rules and now you're here getting upset. Watch all new seasons on Bravo or stream it on City TV+. Let's have a real fun time. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, a five-year-old boy floated alone in the ocean. He had lost his mother trying to reach Florida from Cuba. He looked like a little angel. I mean, he looked so fresh. And his name, Elian Gonzalez, will make headlines everywhere.

Elian Gonzalez. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian Gonzalez. At the heart of the story is a young boy and the question of who he belongs with. His father in Cuba.

Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or his relatives in Miami. Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. At the heart of it all is still this painful family separation. Something that as a Cuban, I know all too well. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story, as part of the My Cultura podcast network, available on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. Guess what, folks? We're teammates again, and we're going to welcome you guys all to Dudes on Dudes. I'm a dude, you're a dude, and Dudes on Dudes

is our brand new show. We're going to highlight players, peers, guys that we played against, legends from the past, and we're just going to sit here and talk about them. And we'll get into the types of dudes. What kind of types of dudes are there, Grunks? We got studs, wizards. We got freaks. Or dudes dudes.

We got dogs. Dogs. We'll break down their games. We'll share some insider stories and determine what kind of dude each of these dudes are. Is Randy Moss a stud or a freak? Is Tom Brady a dog or a dude's dude? We're gonna find out, Jules.

New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, friends. I'm Jessica Capshaw. And this is Camilla Luddington. And we have a new podcast, Call It What It Is.

You may know us from Graceland Memorial, but did you know that we are actually besties in real life? And as all besties do, we navigate the highs and lows of life together. And what does that look like? A thousand pep talks. A million I've got yous. Some very urgent I'm coming overs. Because, I don't know, let's face it, life can get even crazier than a season finale of Grey's Anatomy.

And now here we are, opening up the friendship circle. To you. Someone's cheating? We've got you on that. In-laws are in-lying? Let's get into it. Toxic friendship? Air it out.

We're on your side to help you with your concerns. Talk about ours. And every once in a while, bring on an awesome guest to get their take on the things that you bring us. While we may be unlicensed to advise, we're going to do it anyway. Listen to Call It What It Is on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Everyone welcome Alexis Chizal! Hello, darling. Hi.

Hi. So talk to me about Troll Bowl, which is very much here, versus pre-prepared I Don't Think So Honey. I'm gonna do a little something I've been steaming about. Okay, you steam and let's hear it. This is Alexis Chizal, her I Don't Think So Honey is Alexis Giselle. I don't think so, honey. Her time begins now.

I don't think so, honey. Apple Store employees who tell me to call Apple support while I'm standing at the Genius Bar. Bitch, I am trying to talk to Apple. If I am paying

$3,000 for a computer, I want to walk into the Apple store, have someone drop to their knees and suck my dick. Not wait two hours for a text message with a later appointment time.

I am a writer performer. I need my laptop 12 hours a day. I need a laptop that can handle me opening a final draft screenplay document, quickly minimizing it, and then scrolling through Tumblr. 15 seconds. But now Tumblr's banned porn, so what the fuck am I supposed to look at all day? Steve Jobs did not work his way through pancreatic cancer and neglect his entire family for this! And that's one minute!

And that's a street song! Let me tell you something, we got a rule of culture, it's rule of culture number 33 When I go to the Apple store, suck my dick! I was told by AppleCare that I can walk in and get the parts. And be orally serviced. Everyone, welcome Candice Thompson! Hello, Candice.

Hi, guys. So here's the thing. We got the troll bolts right here on the table. And we also got a beautiful mind full of ideas, I'm sure. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna go with my Yeah. I'm going to go with my mind. You do it. Go with your mind. Candace Thompson, your I Don't Think So Honey.

Time starts now. I Don't Think So Honey 40-Year-Old Fuck Boys. If you are a 40-year-old man and you have ever uttered the phrase, I'm not ready to settle down, stop it. You a fuck boy. If you are a 40-year-old man and you've ever posted a pic on Instagram of you holding a friend's baby with the caption underneath that says, this will be me, dot, dot, dot, one day. Stop it.

You a fuck boy. If you are a 40-year-old man that has ever said, does this fedora go with these shoes? Stop it. You are a fuck boy. All right? What the fuck are you waiting on? Just admit that the only thing that you have to offer is dick. Because if anybody got too close to you and found out your real personality, they would find out you suck and they would dump your ass.

15 seconds. And stop trying to fuck me. If I wanted to have sex without commitment, I would be a gay man. Five seconds. Last but not least, honey, I don't think so, ladies that enable that shit. Some of us want real relationships like Jennifer Aniston. That's what I'm saying. Candace.

Candace Thompson, everybody. That was it. Yes. I love it when you get Jen Aniston right there in the end scooping in Jen Aniston one of the best I don't think so honeys ever had nothing to do with Lena Dunham

and at the end they were like fuck Lena Dunham there's always time there's always time to speak one in and we love Lena now everyone let's take a dip into the Big Dipper. Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip. That felt like a personal attack.

That's all I've got to say. Okay, fuck boy. Yeah. Are we going to fuck this troll bowl or are we going to talk about our own thoughts? It's a tempting hole but i'm gonna go with the pre-prepared it's all orange and red too pre-prepared yes okay this is the big dippers i don't think so honey this time starts now i don't think so honey guys who want to have a conversation with me after i suck them off i found you on an app that was specifically made for hooking up,

not for finding a friend. So I don't think so, honey. I don't care what your real name is. And I'm not going to tell you like what part of LA I live in, because that would reveal that I drove 35 minutes at 11 o'clock at night to suck you off in your garage while your entire family was asleep inside the house.

I don't think so, honey. If you want to know about my sibling or if I watch The Handmaid's Tale, our messaging on the app was essentially a contract of intended services. I intended to come to the house, drop to my knees, and open my mouth.

And you intended to hold my head and fuck my throat like a butt. That's one minute. Thank you. Big dipper, everyone. It's true. What is there left to say after we've completed our task? I'm through. I don't even want

to look them in the eyes. Everyone, please to cap off this group, please fucking welcome Alaska Thunderfuck! Oh, my word. So listen, you are famous for your dives into the troll bowl. But I know you probably have ideas.

I'm going to keep it up to you. What do you want to do here tonight, Alasky? No, I would like to do a pre-prepare. I love that. I want to hear. I didn't prepare it, but someone else did. Okay. I have all the faith in the world in your interpretation of this. Alaska Thunderfuck, your time starts now.

I don't think so, honey, the world. I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work, scared of losing their job. Shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street.

And there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat. We sit watching while some local newscaster tells us that today we had 16 homicides and 53 violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be.

We know things are bad, worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy. So we don't go out anymore. We sit in the house and slowly the world we're living in is getting smaller. And all we do is say, please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster, my TV and my steel belted radios that I won't say anything. Just leave us alone. Well, I'm not going to leave you alone. I want you to get mad. I want you to say I'm a human being. God damn it. I want you to get up right now, stick your head out the window and yell,

I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore. Five seconds. I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore. I do think so, honey. Yes! Alaska Thunderfuck

has thunderfucked us all with the truth of the world. Unbelievable. And we raise our poppers to you. Give it up for our amazing contestants. I want a divorce. We have Lauren Holtz. This is

Eureka and Aquaria all over again. This is really what that is. Alexis Chazal, Candace Thompson, Big Dipper, and Alaska Thunderfuck. Hey, you know what I'm looking for, Bowen? Some style? I'm looking for some style, yes. I'm looking for

my new favorite piece of clothing. Ooh, I think I have just the service to help. Can you tell me this service? This service is called Stitch Fix. Actually, I love Stitch Fix. It's this online personal styling service. It finds and delivers clothes, shoes, accessories to fit your body, budget, and lifestyle for all genders. Yes, each and every gender.

So here's what you have to do. You have to. Go to stitchfix.com slash ding dong and tell them your sizes, what styles you like, and how much you want to spend on each item. And it's a little bit of a collaborative process here. Because you get paired with your very own personal stylist, a real person who will hand pick items to send right to your door. This is really cool. And then you try them on, you pay only for what you love, and you return the rest.

Shipping exchanges and returns are always, you guessed it, F-e-e-e-e-e that spells free that is think of that i think you f-r-e-e-e-e-e that smells free to be a gwen stefani song absolutely there's no subscription required you can sign up to receive scheduled shipments or get your fix whenever you want. Yeah, the styling fee at Stitch Fix is only $20, which is applied toward anything you keep from your shipment. So get started now at stitchfix.com

slash ding dong, and you'll get an extra 25% off when you keep all items in your box. That's stitchfix.com forward slash ding dong D-I-N-G-D-O-N-G to get started today. Stitchfix.com forward slash ding dong. D-I-N-G-D-O-N-G to get started today. Stitchfix.com forward slash ding dong. Yeah.

Ooh. F-R-E-E-E-E-E. That feels free. Gwen Stefani is in the studio quaking. Everyone, we are going to move on to our next group it's called there could be a hundred people in a room we got lucian yellow we got gay bleed man we got paul w downs we got We got Max Silvestri and Sabrina Jalise. All stars, all stars. It's an all-star group. All right.

Lucia. Here we go, Lucia. It's your time to the mic. Hi. Hi. So talk to me about this, because there is a troll bowl, in fact, on the table. And then, you know, you got it up here. That's for sure.

I think I'm going to do one off the dome. I love that. Off the dome. Love that. All right, Lucia Ainello, your time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Coal miners. Whoa.

Come for them. Okay. We get it. You lost your jobs raping and pillaging Mother Earth, and boy, are you pissed. Go off. You know who else lost their jobs due to the unending march of time? Travel agents.

Blockbuster employees. Quill pen manufacturers. 30 seconds. The Pony Express Okay And do you know What these people did They didn't whine

On CNN Over and over They got a new job And they moved on Okay 15 seconds Oh yeah Okay so basically

Cole's not coming back honey And if you think so honey I don't think so honey There you go. Five seconds. Is there anything else? Love you guys. Love you, babe.

Lucia Ainello. Vote for her in 2020. Vote for her in 2020. She's running. And you know what? You don't hear a fucking peep from Blockbuster employees. They're out there trying to get new work. I bet they all work at Netflix now.

Honestly, yeah. Gabe Liedman, you're up, babe. Gabe! Hey, Gabe. What's it gonna be? You like this bowl? You like that? I like a lot of things about the bowl.

But there's something else I'd rather talk about. I get it but I'm gonna be so happy for someone who chooses from the bowl and later on we will celebrate we will celebrate the person later that chooses it but in the meantime this is Gabe Liebman's

I Don't Think So Honey and his time starts now I Don't Think So Honey actors who choose to eat an apple like with a little knife. And pop each little piece of apple in their mouth so fucking confidently. Because they think it's so seductive. How many times are you going to cut your fucking thumb

before you choose to eat an apple like a human being? 30 seconds. I would honestly rather watch someone eat an apple like fucking Mr. Peepers or fucking Abu from Aladdin. Just machine gun it. Get it everywhere. That is better than the neatness that this bullshit implies. What do you have? Syphilis? Where are we? The Moulin Rouge?

I don't think so, honey. That's how Huck Finn would eat an apple, and he's fake. Was that my time? That's one minute. Thank you. Game lead man. Game lead man, everyone. What are we in? The Moulin Rouge? That's legendary minute. Thank you. Game lead man. Game lead man, everyone. What are we in the Moulin Rouge?

That's legendary. Let me ask you a question. What are we in the Moulin Rouge? While you ponder that, everyone please welcome Paul W. Downs. Oh, what a honk. What a honk.

I fucking love this man. All right, Paul. Always have, always will. I think we talked about this a little backstage. I have a prepared thing, but no one's done the trollk. I fucking love this man. All right, Paul. Always have, always will. I think we talked about this a little backstage. I have a prepared thing, but no one's done the troll bowl. It's up to you. But I want you to follow your heart. Somebody really loves the bowl.

Okay, okay. Troll bowl. Okay, okay, okay. Here I go, Paul. Here I fucking go. All right. Okay. What if I don't know the person?

You know it. You know it, and if you don't, there's a serious issue. This is a one, I wrote it out as one name. All I wrote was, Mariah. And I think I meant Mariah Carey,

knowing myself. So, Paul W. Downs, your troll bull, Mariah Carey, your time starts now. I don't think so, honey, Mariah Carey. Do you have a left ear? Where the hell's your left ear, Mariah? Why are we always going to see this? Why is the hair always in front of that ear? What, do you

got Bluetooth in there so your assistant's always on call? Come on, Mariah. I don't think so, honey. Hey, Mariah, you have children. They're not props. Okay? Thank you. Leave them home and don't make them accompany your singing. Also, Mariah,

you're singing in the tub. You're singing in the shower. You're singing in the foyer. You're singing in a cab. You're singing. Also, Mariah, you're singing in the tub. You're singing in the shower. You're singing in the foyer. You're singing in a cab. You're singing. We get it. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, Mariah. I don't think so, honey. And if you're too lazy to stand up when you do a concert,

I'm not going to pay $400 again. Take an Adderall and get off your ass. Five seconds. And show me the goddamn left ear. I don't think so. Yes! Paul W. Downs!

One of the best troll balls we've ever seen. That was one of the best. The pull of where is her left ear? Does she have a left ear? We raise our poppers to you. All right.

Paul W. Downs, everyone. All right. Another icon coming up. Max Silvestri. Come on, Max Silvestri. Two hunks. Two hunks. A blonde and a brunette.

What is this? Riverdale? What is this? Riverdale? What are we in the Moulin Rouge? All right. Listen, Max. We had chatted prior.

I know that the troll boat was on the table as it is right now. Sure. It's right there. Right there. I'm looking at it. It's figuratively on the table as it is right now. It's right there. It's literally and figuratively on the table. And I will say that I'm a little mad that Paul Downs just stole that cherry pop from the audience.

But I had two grain bowls today. Lunch and dinner. So I'm going to do a third bowl right now. I'd love to do the troll bowl. I'd love to do the troll bowl. He would love to do the troll bowl. And I would love to see it. I have something.

Okay. This is a special one. This is a direct attack on me. Okay. Max Silvestri. Your I don't think so honey troll ball topic is quote 30 under 30. Oh my god.

And your time... Now, please remember. Yeah, please remember. And my co-host not present was also 30 under 30. And I still have a year to be 30 under 30. Don't hurt me. Don't hurt my friend. And don't hurt my co-host.

But your show ball, 30 under 30, your time begins now. I don't think so, 30 under 30. It is bullshit to think it's cool that you were precocious and an asshole in high school and college and now it's paying off in your medium field.

Cool. Blow it now. Get big before you know anything. Why create art when you have an experience when you can just be the loudest person who constantly asks for what you want i don't think so 30 under 30 i think pretty much every person i've ever respected in any media throughout history has made art later because it is boring to blow your wad that fucking early

i don't think so 30 under 30 give me 50 over 50 fucking marinate on it i do not want your point to you about how texting is crazy i don't think so honey 30 under 30 you have nothing to share with the world five seconds five seconds five seconds i love joel and that's one minute. Max Silvestri. You've been attacked, Jolie, and I agree with every word. He's dropped his poppers. Everyone now, welcome Sabrina Jolie. There she is, the queen. The queen.

The true. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. Now tell me. You want a sniff? Do you want some? I've never in my life.

Cover one. I'm on stage. Here she goes. Too much, too much. It's just like a chemical. But why does your face look so yummy after? He's hot. I'm gay.

It only works on gay men. Here's the thing, Sabrina. We have the troll bowl. We also have the opportunity to do a pre-prepared I Don't Think So Honey topic. We did two trolls. Let's do a pre-prep. We got to go pre-pre. She's got a child to get home to.

Oh, now I'm feeling a little warm. Yeah, that's what happens. And a little open probably too. Her name? Sabrina Jalise. Her game? I Don't Think So Honey. And her time starts now.

I Don't Think So Honey, if my wife is breastfeeding and you look at her weird. I don't think so, honey, at all. Daddy's watching you and daddy's not impressed. I don't think so, honey, that you think that my wife's nipple showing is fucking offensive to you, motherfucker.

No, I don't think so, so honey because her nipples are making like such good watered down condensed milk style delicious titty unlimited beverage motherfucker i don't even think so that we have to cover our nipples at all i know that the feminist movement has to do rape and everything. All the others before the nipple, but fuck you for the nipple. Fuck you, motherfucker. If you tell me to cover my nipple at the Saguaro in Palm Springs and white league, my friends used to ask,

my father's Pakistani. You're going to give me an extra time. Five seconds. It's just a titty hijab. And that's one minute. It's just a titty hijab. And that's one minute. It's just a titty hijab. Sabrina Jalise, everyone. Can you give it up for this group?

There could be a hundred people in a room. Lucia Anello, Gabe Liebman, Paul W. Downs, Max Silvestri, and Sabrina Jalise. Yes. Sylvester and Sabrina Jolies. I was jealous of you. I was amazed. You guys, come on. Can we even? This next group is called, Oh, gosh.

Oh, gosh. Please give it up for Jess McKenna. Give it up for Zach Reno! Andrew T! Kyle Ayers! And Queen Tawny Newsome! Somebody came prepared with a look. I said kindly turn to look.

Kindly looks were turned. And many looks were turned. Here we go. Bring that jacket to the mic. Jess McKenna. Yes. That is literally, if I ever get nominated for a Golden Globe, I said I'm always going to wear a canary tux.

Canary. Is that canary? Yeah. You're giving me, and this is a compliment, you're giving me Paula Poundstone for Urban Outfitters, and I love it. I love it. Thank you. I love it. Thank you. I see that as a compliment, but thank you.

So let's pound a stone, if you will. That didn't work. Are we doing the troll bowl, or are we doing a pre-prepared I Don't Think So Honey topic? We're going to do a pre-prepared. I love that. I love that. Jess McKenna, your time starts now. I don't think so, honey. That moment when they say, have a nice flight, and I say, you too.

I'm sorry that you have a terrible, thankless job where people are literally garbage to you for hours, even though you're trying to keep us safe, and I remind you that I'm going on vacation. I don't think so, honey, Jessica, that you're on such autopilot while you go through the world that you don't recognize that's a human in front of you? I don't think so. It's even worse if I'm going somewhere

where they have to look at a passport. That's right. I can travel internationally. Enjoy your thankless job, person I forgot mattered. I don't think so, honey. When I do the same thing at the movies. When they say enjoy your show and I say you too.

Although that's not as bad because they can definitely see the movies. Five seconds. I don't think so, honey. Jessica, open your eyes. It's a human. And that's one minute. Jess McKenna, everyone. I felt that.

And please welcome Zach Reno. The other half of Orfbook. Love that. All right, Zachy, what's it going to be? It is going to be pre-prepared. I love a pre-prepared. Zach Reno, your time begins now. I don't think so, Johnny Depp, Wizard Hitler.

Agree. What the fuck are we doing with this beloved franchise that we are going to allow an abuser to portray a fictional abuser that should have gone to a much better actor? I go to Harry Potter, I expect so very, very little from the Fantastic Beasts franchise. I want to Harry Potter I expect so very very little from the Fantastic Beasts franchise. I want a bird made of lightning.

I want the tiny platypus that loves gold so very very much. 30 seconds. I want that rhinoceros that's very horny and very glowy a lot of the time. You could replace Johnny Depp in that movie with literally anyone and it would be better. Guy Fieri would Depp in that movie with literally anyone, and it would be better.

Guy Fieri would be better in that movie as Grindelwald than literally Johnny Depp. We don't need it. The world is dark. That world is magical. I don't think so, honey. Five seconds. Johnny motherfucking Depp.

And that's one minute. Zach Reno. Oh, boy. I wanted so badly to like even one thing in the Grindelwald. Yeah. I really didn't need to know

that the Holocaust exists in the Harry Potter universe. Are you crazy? I don't think so, honey. I could have died not knowing that. That's fucking wild. It's really upsetting. Okay, Andrew T.

It did so well. Andrew T., everyone. Love to bring him up to Holocaust. Oh, here we go. What's up? What are we doing today? I love this jacket. Oh, thank you. Someone said I look like Nightwing. Is that a comic book man? You do look like Nightwing.

I'm here to kill people then. Cool, cool, cool. I believe Nightwing, he's dangerous. Save it for the I don't think so. I love that rage. Okay, so listen. We have a bowl here and it's full of topics. You got a head full of topics, I'm sure. I it for the I don't think so, honey. Okay, cool, cool. I love that rage. Okay, so listen. We have a bowl here, and it's full of topics. And you know, you got a head full of topics, I'm sure. I have some stuff that I'm going to say for the last time in front of white people. Okay.

Okay, so. Now's the time. You're welcome. And your tea. Your time begins now. Oh, man. I don't think so, honey. Crazy rich Asians.

Oh! Is that? Not the movie. Not the movie. Not the movie. Although, I love Henry Golding and Michelle Yeoh. Are you supposed to have that much sexual chemistry with your mother?

Is that like a normal thing? Crazy rich Asians in real life are the worst fucking people on the planet. Crazy rich Asians enslave crazy poor Asians to make phones for white people. What is wrong with you fucking people? Crazy rich Asians are out here fucking Mitch McConnell. They're out here fucking Les Moonves and then attacking other women. They're the worst

people. They're fucking crazy. That's all I got. Peace. With nine seconds to go, Andrew T has made his point. That is true. Listen, I would like to use that nine seconds to say Julie Chan history will remember you. Yes, it will. Make it a rule of culture.

Rule of culture number 13 even. Julie Chen, history will remember you. And also another rule of culture. Rule of culture number 16. Crazy rich Asians are out here fucking Mitch McConnell. Two in one. I don't think so, honey.

That's groundbreaking. And for more groundbreaking, I don't think so, honey. Please welcome Kyle Ayers one of my faves oh I am so nervous wow you guys got my email thank you just wanted to say PSA okay all right

Kyle are you doing troll bowl or are you doing pre-select well since Andrew took mine I guess I'm gonna do doing troll bowl or are you doing pre-select well since Andrew took mine I guess I'm going to do the troll bowl I'm very nervous I'm so nervous oh my god this whole group actually

we love but I got the sign I am fourth ooh bitch what if I don't know who it bitch what if I don't know what it is oh this is good this is good

what if I don't know what it is no you'll know you'll know bitch Kyle Ayers we discussed this the other day we're gonna be doing

and I don't think so honey on Amy Adams that's why it's a trobo baby it's not easy bitch okay so your time begins now I don't think so honey Amy Adams stand up for yourself It's not easy, bitch, okay? So your time begins now.

I don't think so, honey Amy Adams. Stand up for yourself because you deserve an Oscar. Yes. Tweet that you deserve an Oscar. Get angry that you didn't win for Arrival. It was incredible. I was moved and I hate movies about time travel. I don't think so, honey Amy Adams.

Don't phone it in like everyone else in American Hustle. That movie trailer gave me a boner. I thought I was going to love it and I hated that movie so much. I don't think so, honey. Amy Adams, I need you to have award ceremony self-worth. You deserve to win the Oscar

for almost everything. I don't think so, honey. Amy Adams. You gave a handjob to Philip Seymour Hoffman in a movie. You deserve two awards for that because you don't have a hand to hold one in. I don't think so, honey, Amy Adams. I just want what's best for you. Five seconds.

Five seconds. I want what's best. I do think so, honey, Amy Adams, as a human, though. And that's one minute. And that's one minute. We ended positive. Kyle Ay so, honey. Amy Adams as a human, though. And that's one minute. We ended positive. Kyle Ayers, everybody. I just want to say I saw Vice. She's pretty good in Vice. Playing

Lynn Chaney, though? I don't think so, honey. Not for Lynn. I don't think so, honey. Winning an Oscar for playing Lynn Chaney, we can't. Alright. You guys give it up for a true queen, Tawny Newsome. Tawny. Thank you.

Tawny, what's it gonna be? What are we thinking? We have the troll bowl, and you know, we have probably beautiful ideas. You know a bitch is too overextended to pre-plan. Oh! So can I please get that bowl? You may.

I love when the bowl comes twice in a row. I love when people do the bowl. All right. Okay. I think you're going to like this. Oh, no. Your I don't think so, honey troll bowl topic is the expression work hard, play hard. The expression work hard, play hard. And timey your time starts now i don't think so honey this

expression work hard play hard what are you a fucking viking i don't think so honey you don't get to work hard like you're sawing logs all week and then go shoot foxes on the weekend or whatever this is some shit meant for a different era. Right now, your job is to work in a tech startup where you remote in four hours a week selling a fake Korean skin cream to white people. So that's not working hard, and you're playing hard is you just going to a private karaoke room

with all your dumbass white friends who can't sing? Neither of those things are hard. They're both soft as fuck. So you know what? You better start saying work soft, play soft, because at least then I would respect you. 15 seconds. You dumbass bitch with a fake skincare company. And I don't think so, honey.

People who have real jobs, because I never learned to type, and I feel judged when I see you in your Brooks Brothers motherfucking suit. You Jose Bank motherfucker. And that's one minute. Unbelievable. One of the three. LA, you are showing up tonight. LA is here. Give it up for this group.

Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Jess McKenna. Zach Reno. Andrew T. Kyle Ayers, and Tawny Newsome. Oh, I'm so excited for this next group. Oh, this next group is stacked with the boys. Everyone, this next group is called Hi, Allie. I'm Gail.

Please welcome Bryce Peterson Dan Roberts Michael Benjamin Alan Strickland-Williams And Zach Noe Towers Hi boys, hi boys, hi boys Hi Allies Hi Allie, I'm Gail Alright, Bryce Peterson, you're up babe

Bryce Peterson Icon Icon ICAWM all right price peterson you're up babe price peterson icon icon icon icon i c a w n fixture price peterson i love when comedians go like this all right so yeah they're just putting it over there you know it's starting early that's a little mini i don't think so honey uh price what are we doing we know you're a prolific writer so we know you can write handy but are you going to go for the trouble something i have close to my heart okay i'm thinking a lotific writer, so we know you can write handy, but are you going to go for the trouble? Something I have close to my heart that I've been thinking a lot about. We love that. We love that. Okay, Price Peterson,

your time begins now. I don't think so, honey. Acid that is too strong. Everyone in here loves it. LSD is the best. Everyone knows this. Sometimes you want to go to a cabin in the woods with your friends and just laugh a lot and maybe look at pretty colors, but otherwise it's

a gentle experience. But then your bonehead asshole friend goes on the dark web and gets some real strong shit and suddenly you're all doing double doses in your cactus cooler. Suddenly this gentle cabin in the woods looks like Tron Legacy. You're standing on a patterned carpet and you're trapped there for 12,000 years.

Meanwhile, your friend, you've got one friend over on the Papa's on just sort of screaming about fractals. Other friend naked, trying to tongue kiss an outlet. 15 seconds. Meanwhile,

Brenda's out on the lawn trying to eject her own skeleton. Only person who's ever been on a trip. This heart is in the kitchen, boiling some soup and the secret is his own hands. The only person who's ever been on a trip this hard is in the kitchen boiling some soup and the secret ingredient is his own hands. Don't do it, guys. Stick to paper tabs. That's what I meant. A word of warning from Price Peterson.

Don't you get your ass from the dark web, you idiots. But I would like to know where you get that stuff. Get that on the light web like the rest of us sane folks. This is my recommendation. This is a person that I turned my chair around and I said he is going to lead my team to victory tonight. I don't mean to put a lot of pressure on you Dan but don't fuck it up. This is Dan Robert

everyone give it up. So Dan here we go. I mean there's a perfectly good bowl here and there's a perfectly good pre prepared topic I'm sure. What are we doing? I selected pre. I love we doing? I selected pre. I love pre. I love a pre.

Now, Dan. Dan Robert. Here we go. Your time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Both of my grandmas being dead. I am not a math genius, but that is about 100% of my grandmas who are now deceased.

I miss you, honeys. I truly miss you both so much, honeys. My nana and my bocce have died. You know who was laid to rest? George H. Bush. You know what he is? Homophobic, racist, a warmonger. Honeys!

30 seconds. Oh, my grandmas are a little racist, but guess what I can't even fix that anymore because they are dead and since I started my lexapro my dreams have been insane

guess what honey I have a recurring dream that my nana is spoon feeding me a ring a wedding ring from her mouth into my mouth

like a little bird and it's haunting honeys I do not think so honey bad dreams I do not think so why did she have to die of stomach cancer honey she was not ready to die i miss them both so much honey and that's one minute my condolences to you dan robert really adding salt to the wound that neither of them will be able to hear that wonderful tribute. They'll never know you said that.

They'll never know you said that. They're dead. All right, coming up next is Michael Benjamin. Up here. Hop, hop, hop to the mic. I love that hop, Michael. Listen, there's a lot of topics in here. I can't wait for the next people to choose those.

Oh, he threw it to someone else. So, Michael, I'm assuming pre-prepared. And here we go. Michael Benjamin, your time starts now. Shark Week. Who the fuck cares? Dolphins are just thirst trap sharks. These sharks, just because these sharks go to the ocean,

are we still finding more? Here's my thing. It's straight culture. All of these sharks are thirst trap dolphins i was watching shark week and there's a straight man talking about what to do if you get attacked by a shark does anybody know what you're supposed to do what yell it out punch it that's what he said let's talk about that i've never won a fight on land and this straight man's telling me biting me i'm supposed to go he on the sharkyah, and the shark's going to be like, oh, my bad.

No. And second thing, stop asking straight people for advice. They're just going to tell you to punch it. Oh, my car's out of gas. Punch it. My phone's out of battery. Punch it.

I'm being bitten by a shark. Punch it. 15 seconds. The shark's just going to get more pissed. And how are we still finding sharks to fill? Are we like holding auditions? Are like hammerheads like, oh, I'm not represented enough. Next season's Hammerhead sharks.

No, they're me. Stop giving them a spotlight. Shark Week. I don't think so, honey. Oh, that's one minute. Succinct. And this is what I loved about it. Revolutionary.

Not one I don't think so until the end and it was the button. I love it. Playing with the form. It was like the punch on the nose of the shark. And crowd work too.

I don't think I've ever seen crowd work in it. I don't think so, honey. There has been, but never like this. Okay. Next up, Alan Strickland-Williams. Alan Strickland-Williams. Alan Strickland-Williams. Hello, baby boy.

Good to be here, guys. Great to have you. Now, listen. We've got, there's a bowl here. It's the troll bowl. I pre-prepared about 10 minutes ago. Okay. I freaking love that.

All right, so Alan Strickland-Williams, your time starts now. Honey, I don't think so. Mr. Rogers having a moment in 2018. I know that me and Mr. Rogers used to be best friends and I used to hang out with him every day, but sometimes in life you have to cut an old friend. This is not

the land of make-believe. This is Hollywood, California. And I am on a live podcast where I'm trying to make a splash so whenever this airs, I can get five new followers. 30 seconds. I don't think so, honey, Mr. Rogers.

Because we need you now to be alive more than ever and you are gone. I don't know if you've heard this, but adulting is hard. 15 seconds. You love me just the way I am? Well, I fucking hate myself.

Five seconds. Won't you be my neighbor? We're on the brink of a civil war in this country. Isn't it a good feeling being alive? Everyone in this room wants to die. That's one minute. Alan Strickland Williams. Alan Strickland Williams.

Continuing death as a theme. And closing out this group. Zach Noe Towers we love the sweatshirt is embellished I live Zach what's it gonna be we have the bowl

mine's important it's like Alaska's we have an important I don't think So Honey from Zach Noe Towers and his time will start right now. I Don't Think So Honey New York Comedian. I'm sorry, but taking three trains and a bus to get to an

open mic isn't making you funny. It's making you sad. It makes you depressed. It makes you old. New York you depressed. It makes you old. New York comics age twice as fast as LA comics. I did comedy in New York for one week. When I got there, I was 18 to play

younger. When I left, I looked like Matt Rogers. 30 seconds. And you guys hate LA audiences? Maybe it's the material. Maybe save your bits about bedbugs and bodegas for Brooklyn and other third world countries. And wait, did I

miss something? Is singing funny? I don't think so, honey. 15 seconds. Oh my God. I don't think so, honey. I want to give you feedback. I'm your peer. But what do I say? Your opener was strong, but your closer was sharp. And why Pippin?

The queer comedy scene in New York should just be renamed Shit Broadway Didn't Want. That's one minute. That's one minute. You get that fuck out of here and Zach and I was out. That's one minute.

Wow. I love it when they come to burn bridges. I love it when they come to burn bridges. Never come to New York. Or should I say, never come to burn bridges. I love it when they come to burn bridges. Never come to New York. Or should I say, never come to New York. It's weird because I've been wildly successful on both coasts. Give it up for Hi Allie. I'm Gail.

Bryce Peterson. Dan Robert. Michael Benjamin. Alan Strickland-Williams. And Zach Noe Towers. That stupid bitch. All right. Last group of the first half, you guys.

Please give it up for the Pat Benatars. Mike Castle. Mary Holland. Daniel Franzese. Aaron Whitehead. And Lauren Lapkus. Okay. I do think so.

I do think so. I do think so, honey. A reveal. A reveal. Will we stand a reveal? And first to the mic, Mike Castle. Come on. Get up there.

Thank you so much, you guys. Hi, Mike Castle. What's it going to be? Troll Bowl. Troll? He said, you know what, we're diving right in. And so I take direction. And look, I'm picking something out.

And okay. This is a really, this could go either way. We've been through a lot already this year. It's tough. But it is. Your I Don't Think, honey topic is Mississippi. The state of Mississippi is what you must discuss in this I don't think so, honey. Okay.

And your time begins now. I guess I don't think so, honey. The fact that I know how to spell Mississippi is where I want to start. I feel that I believed that information was going to be very useful, and I used to do it very pridefully as a kid. I would dance around my house and sing M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I, and my parents would clap and my brother would look jealous. But it didn't, no one gives a shit.

And then I remember I would play basketball with some friends growing up. And they would be like, do you want to play horse? And I'd be like, no, let's play Mississippi. And then we would all laugh. And then I would proudly spell it. And then they would all be like, that's amazing. And I'd be like, it's fucking crazy. It's so long.

And then we would play a little bit. They would be like, it's too long. And then from the complication of making it a game, I would forget how to spell it. So we'd be playing and I'd be like, I have M-I... No, wait. I have M... Five seconds. So that sucked. But also, I assume

Mississippi fucking sucks. That's one minute. A difficult topic and an expertly done I don't think so honey troll ball, I think, from Mike Castle. That's what I would have done, too. That's the only thing I know about Mississippi is how to spell it. It's how you spell it, right?

Exactly. And also, there's famously a river. Mary Holland, get to the mic, please. Please, with this performance, please. Hello, Mary Holland. Hello. Now, we know you are a celebrated improviser, but also a celebrated writer, too.

So what's it going to be, Mary? It could go either way, truly. I'm going to do pre-planned. Okay. I love that. Here we go, Mary Holland. Okay. Your I Don't Think So, Honey time starts now.

I don't think so, honey, when a person suddenly gets hit by a bus or a car in a movie. Yes. Because guess what? Because guess what? I mean, what's up with it? Because, and listen to me. Also, because why not have, look, you don't got to show me.

Just, hey, if you want that to happen to her, go in the next scene, have people at a cafe, and one of them says, oh, crazy, she got hit by a bus. 30 seconds. I don't need to see it. I don't need to see that. Because also, guess what? You're traumatizing me. I am a paying audience member. I did not come to jump and be scared. I came to

sit. I came to sit and watch a movie. And hey, what's up with it? And also, because I have so much to say about it. I know. I mean, there's just not time. But listen, I don't think so, honey. Talk okay. And that's one

minute. Mary Holland. And now I have to say the segue is truly brilliant. Someone who famously was in a movie with someone getting fucking nailed by a bus. Oh my God. Here comes Daniel Francesi. And that's how Regina George died. I love that synergy. Just kidding.

She got hurt. Now, Daniel, what's it got? Oh my God. I can't. The fringe. I can't. You said Turner LeCain. And she did. Oh, I mean, I said that synergy. Just kidding. She got hurt. Now, Daniel, what's it got? Oh, my God. I can't. The fringe. I can't. You said turn a look, Amy. And she did.

Oh, I mean, I said kindly turn a look, and you kindly turned a look. So, Daniel, what do you think? We got the troll bowl here. We got pre-prepared, I'm sure. Give me the troll bowl. I'm mad at everything. Yes! First queer troll bowl of the night.

Thank you, Daniel. Gay trolls. Okay. This is good. This is good. Your I don't think so, honey troll bowl of the night. Thank you, Daniel. Okay, this is good. This is good. Your I don't think so, honey troll bowl topic is from the greatest showman, the song This Is Me. It's me right where it hurts. Another direct attack on me and my brand.

And your time begins now. I don't think so, honey. Greatest showman song, This Is Me. I didn't see that syrupy ass shit so i don't know who you is okay and i don't think so why they always gotta give it to the fat girl with a hairy face i don't think so honey why can't this be me just be a normal person why you gotta call out the fact she got a hairy face and i don't think so honey i'm not gonna sit here for this whole time and then every single every single drag queen that i see across america gonna lip sync that

shit i already know who you are i don't think so honey they did it once before and it was called la kasha fall i don't think so honey i'm not here for this okay you know what i want to see i want to see who you really are okay you're a girl that's getting paid big money to sing a big song in a big movie. Not shedding a tear for you. I don't think so, honey. 10 seconds. 10 more seconds? Yes.

Bitch, I'm bearded and fat too. You don't see me singing up here. I don't think so, honey. That's one minute. That is one minute. Woo. Shake of the poppers. Daniel, yes. That's my most That is one minute Shake of the poppers Daniel yes

That's my most played song of 2018 Mine is Rewrite the Stars Am I bad? We both are we both deserve to go to hell Okay listen Aaron Whitehead Let's go Jacket

Love this grease homage Now here's the thing. We have a trouble here. Celebrated improviser right up on stage. But the thing is, I'm sure you got stuff to say. What's up? Well, I don't know any references or people, so I had to go pre-plan. And that makes sense to me.

Yeah. And that makes sense to me. Smart, strategic move for you. Here we go. Erin, your I don't think so anytime starts now. I don't think so honey time starts now. I don't think so honey that in the Pixar film Inside Out, that little girl had an imaginary friend who was a middle-aged man elephant. Little tiny girls would have an imaginary friend that's a unicorn named Sparkle or Amber.

Bing bong. More like that little girl saw a creepy neighbor's ding dong. Can we talk about the imaginary elephant in the room? Because that little girl got molested. 30 seconds. Okay? That really tragic scene where Bing Bong is down in the canyon, and they're waving goodbye, and he's fading away,

that's repressing a horrible trauma oh my god pixar you made a movie about a child getting molested and of course you made it about a white girl really we needed another one of those separate ranch five seconds five seconds bing bong i don't think so, honey. And that's one minute. Erin Whitehead. Oh my God. I did steal a bunch of Oxycontin from Richard Kind's medicine cabinet one time. Separate story, separate story.

You truly are not afraid to tarnish this brand. I know. Everyone, to close out act one of the evening, please welcome Lauren Lapkus! I'm loving this plaid. I'm loving this plaid on you. Loving the plaid? Thank you.

What's another celebrated improviser on our stage tonight? But what's it going to be tonight? I was on the fence, and I wasn't able to decide until right now, and I'm doing Troll Bowl, bitch! Okay. Troll Bowl. Okay. Now I'm self-conscious every time I sing a goddamn note. All right.

Okay, I like this for you. I hope so. Your I don't think so, honey troll ball topic, Lauren Lapkus, is Margot Robbie. Your time begins now! I don't think so, honey, Margot Robbie. You say you're 25. I don't think so, honey. Margot Robbie, you say you're 25. I don't think so, honey.

You're fucking 42, bitch. I don't think so, honey. You're from another country and you get all the good American roles, bitch. I don't think so, honey. What is that, five seconds? I don't think so, honey, Margot Robbie, because everybody thinks you're so fucking sexy and you don't have to work or try at anything, Margot Robbie. I don't think so, honey, Margot Robbie.

You didn't have to get a personality because you got Jamie whatever the fuck's face. What's her name, right? Jamie Presley. Thank you, you're twins. Be her daughter slash sister because you're the same age. You're not 25.

I hate when people lie about their age. If you lie about your age in this room, you're a coward. Fuck you. That's all I have to say. I don't think so, honey. Lauren Lapkus delivering us a rule of culture.

It's rule of culture number 10. Margot Robbie has Jamie Presley's face. Give it up for the Pat Benatars. Mike Castle. Mary Holland. Daniel Francesi. Aaron Whitehead.

And Lauren Lapkus. I'm sorry, but are you on fire or what? I'm having a very good time, Joel. And are you? I've like damn well lost my voice already Well we have a whole other half of this Motherfucking stuff So everyone let's take a 10 to 15 minute

Intermission roughly Get a drink We'll come back and we'll be back with more I don't think so honey Forever Dog This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey.

For more original podcasts, please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team and liking our page on Facebook. On Thanksgiving Day 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez was found off the coast of Florida. And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba? Mr. Gonzales wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him.

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We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. I was a desperate delusional dreamer. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate delusional dreamer. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate delusional dreamer. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one.