Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - "I Don't Think So, Honey! 13" (Part 1)

Episode Date: May 29, 2019

The 13th installment of IDTSH is here, live from The Bell House! Part One featuring Peter Smith, Kady Ruth Ashcraft, Amy Zimmer, Christi Chiello, Sydnee Washington, Sudi Green, Eli Coyote Mandel, Ego Nwodim, Gary Richardson, Will Stephen, Tim Girrbach, Lane Kwederis , Neil D’Astolfo, Ann Marie Yoo, Josh Sharp, Cole Escola, Max WIttert, Joe Castle Baker, George Civeris, Catherine Cohen, Marie Faustin, Melissa Stokoski, Rosebud Baker, Christine Buckholtz, Eva Victor, Solange Azor, Sabrina Wu, Chris Murphy, and Natalie Walker!---MERCH! MERCH! GET YOUR LAS CULTURISTAS MERCH!https://www.teepublic.com/stores/las-culturistasSUBSCRIBE ON APPLE PODCASTS TODAY!CONNECT W/ LAS CULTURISTAS ON FACEBOOK & TWITTER for the best in "I Don't Think So, Honey" action, updates on live shows, conversations with the Las Culturistas community, and behind-the scenes photos/videos:www.facebook.com/lasculturistastwitter.com/lasculturistasLAS CULTURISTAS IS A FOREVER DOG PODCAST. LAS CULTURISTAS IS PRODUCED BY EMMA FOLEY.http://foreverdogproductions.com/fdpn/podcasts/las-culturistas/ Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. Forever. Dog. Look, man. Where? Oh, I see. Wow. Bowen, look over there.

Wow, is that culture? Yes. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Bowen, look over there. Wow, is that culture? Yes. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Las Culturistas. How we doing, Bell House? Ah! Okay, hold on.

We gotta sit down. We gotta sit down. Wait for it. We gotta sit down. Hold on. We gotta sit down. Hold on. Ding dong!

Las Culturistas calling! Oh. Wow, that was fine. Yeah. That was so fine. We wanted to sing a Taylor song that mentioned God. Yep.

And then mentioned God as a cisgender male. Yep. It's actually rule of culture number six. God is a cisgender male. But God, because, you know, it's Passover, it's Easter. Can't forget. Can't forget.

Except I fully did forget. And my dad on Friday called me and said, hey, Matt, try not to eat meat. And I was like, too late, bitch. And I said those exact words. Wow. We have an amazing relationship. Where I can call my dad a bitch.

Wait. I think we will probably get sued for talking about this. Sued for what? The tailor of it all. Okay, so you... No, hold on, hold on. Hi. Everyone knows... First of all, there's a tailor of it all.

There's a tailor of it all. But are people aware that Taylor is counting down to something? Oh, we know of the countdown. Everyone thinks that the countdown is for new music, but the countdown... Okay, do we want to do this? We risk a lawsuit. We risk a lawsuit if we continue.

I think she would actually benefit from this. God damn it, that bitch! She would! The scuttlebutt is she's actually counting down to coming out of the closet. I found out about this

seconds ago. And I am intrigued, but have my suspicions. I think, would she really do that? Probably not. She wouldn't count down to it. Well, right.

That's insane. It would be insane for anyone to come out as a libertarian and to count down to it. To come out as anything and have a countdown. But there's a question to ask once we engage in this kind of logic. And it's, does she want us to think that and then do it and we think, well, there are no rules. Or are there currently no rules? Oh, wow. You know, did everyone watch the Zizek-Peterson debate

the other night? You know, I don't know what was said, but I think the moral was there are no rules. Well, there are no rules. But here's the thing. If Taylor comes out as queer, I don't know. Because then we will literally have Apple presents all

gay things. Yeah. Then we're out. What then? At least then we get Buttigieg. We definitely get Buttigieg if Taylor is gay. We definitely get Buttigieg. We get him.

Okay. He wins? I think that mean? We get him. Okay. He wins? I think that's what I mean. And I think you know that's what I mean. Great. I would love that. I would love for not only Taylor to come out as clear, but for Pete Buttigieg to win as a result. Got tracks. Got tracks.

I feel like if I'm her brand manager and she's political now and she says I'm queer, I then say, okay, queer plus I'm political now, we're thumping for Buttigieg, baby. Her and Chastain would get along truly so well. Tell me that Taylor and Chasten, that wouldn't be like a full thing. Yeah.

I think Chasten's edging for a talk show. I think like there's a conflict of interest that's unfolding right before our eyes, America. And it's that Chasten Buttigieg wants to be a something. He wants to be a first gent,

which I hate calling it that. I thought Chasten's whole thing was he wants to be called a first lady, but will present as male. He refers to himself currently, and I can only say what... And current events are happening as we speak. As we speak.

First lady of South Bend. Current events are happening as we speak. It's actually rule of culture number three. Current events are happening as we speak. It's actually rule of culture number three. Current events are happening as we speak. And I can only speak to what's current. I can only speak to what's current. And he is currently on his Twitter claiming to be the first gent of South Bend.

And you have to think that would translate to the White House. That he'd continue calling himself first gent. Which I guess that's what it would be, right? Gentleman, lady, would you be first man? First gentleman. First gentleman. That's what the whole conversation was around Bill. Yeah.

How dare you bring that up? I know. I think I would actually be a really good political husband in the new era this is where you emphatically agree well okay talk about what does the White House look like at Christmas

you went right to decorating shit? And I would obviously get someone for that. But I would have, like, say I, say I like, I don't know.

Oh, wait. Wouldn't it be iconic, though? Because you, this is just you and I'm thinking about you decorating the White House. An Ikea Christmas.

Yeah, and that would actually be inspiring to the nation. Yeah. Sorry, I cut you off. Because it brings everyone down. It unifies people. To have everyone have Ikea furniture, that would be a unifier. I'm very good at this. Truly already.

Already. But I would be good at my message. Because you know how every first person has to have a message? My message would be bullying to troll Melania. And I would truly get nothing done. It would just entirely be about saying I was trolling Melania. And we would not tackle bullying because you can't pitch. You can't tackle an amorphous thing. It's like people are going to bully, okay? Yeah.

Wow. And aren't we all happy we went to adversity? Maybe. Brooklyn, how are we doing tonight? Are we doing okay? Can I tell you? You said Brooklyn, how are you doing tonight? And my instinct was that Brooklyn Heights,

the drag queen was here. Because I can't stop thinking about her after that episode. That was good. It was good. It was good. A lot of fun moments. What's that?

The face? You got to speak up, bitch. You have everyone's attention now. Okay, no, it's fine. What? Okay, no, it's fine. It's fine, no, it's fine, it's fine. There's a hand prison happening. It's okay.

Are you a Brooklyn Heights fan or no? Yes. Yes. Okay, did you guys watch Drag Race? Yes! Shocking. Who likes Brooklyn? Who likes Silky? I like Silky. Who likes Brooklyn? Who likes Silky?

I like Silky. Who likes Evie? Akira? Who doesn't care? End of an era. Drag race is dead. Here and now tonight. Well, what, bitch? They just did it.

They did it not us. No one declared anything. Okay. I'd like to declare something. Yes. Did you guys notice my jersey? It was $90. Yeah. You know,

when you stare at the $90 jersey, the $90 jersey stares back. And you buy it. I wanted a tacky shirt that said LA on it for the show. And I went to go buy it and they said it's $90 and I didn't want... I don't know, something very insane

happened to me where it meant more to me to be cool to the person at the desk than not spend $90. And I was like... What is... That's exactly right. That's too low, actually.

Here's my whole wallet. Wow, you really, really showed them that you were cool. What's up with you, bitch? Not much. I had a little staycation here, which, what is this, 2015?

But I had a staycation and I got I had a little staycation here, which, what is this, 2015? But I had a staycation. And I got myself a nice little room. I heard. At a hotel in Williamsburg. And what happened when you went to check in? Oh, don't. No, I did. I already did.

Can't happen enough. The person who checked in was this lovely person named Owen. Hot name, can we say. He said, he said, he said, wow, I listen to the pods, plural. What other pods do you have? Well, no, he said, he said, he was like, I listen to you guys. I listen to Kat and Pat.

He was very nice. And then he, yeah, give it up for Captain Pat. Cat's here. Pat is not. Does not. Pat made a choice to... Actually, no, it's a legitimate choice. It's his last weekend. It's his family's last weekend in his childhood home.

So... I don't care. I thought he should have done the show, bitch. Ashes to ashes. It's a fucking house. You don't miss your old house? No, not at all. Where? To see where I was very sad? I was very sad

in my childhood home growing up. Because I'm gay. If you didn't get that from everything about me. And he's gay too. Bowen's gay. Oh, actually, can we talk about this? We said we were going to address this. Yes.

So Matt is this just beautiful Rube Goldberg PR machine right now. And he's trying to push this narrative. My three things. That I would, that I am. He's trying to push this story that I am white. Bowen's white. Okay.

Bowen Yang is white. And not only is he white, buten's white. Okay. Bowen Yang is white. And not only is he white, but he's a white bitch. You say unpack this. It's plain. It's plain. Bowen's white. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He admits it. What's, I mean, is there... What are we going off of? What is the... That you, you have tricked us, and you're a betrayal. There's nothing more to this bit.

That's truly just the bit. And you as an audience have to embrace the simplicity and the flatness of it. I mean... You have to, and you have. Who bought something with the words Taylor Swift on it? You bought it. Can I say I just lost mine in high tops at West Hollywood?

I lost my Taylor Swift sweatshirt. I have to pay $45, which is too much, again, for another sweatshirt. Of my own. Yeah, people should know that we spend our own money out of pocket to buy our own merch, and that is not good. Okay, let's

just get to it. Egomaniacs. Let's just get to it. This show is called I Don't Think So Honey. Now, yeah, who here knows what an I Don't Think So Honey. Now, yeah, who here knows what an I Don't Think So Honey is? Do you guys even know what I Don't Think So Honey is?

For those that don't. For those that do not. I Don't Think So Honey is a unit of time. It is one minute for someone to go off on a unit of culture that is getting their goats, that is pushing their buttons. Something they hate in pop culture.

Something they hate. It's got to be addressed. I mean, listen, you're going to see truly a bunch of catharsis on the stage. Yes. And it will feel good for you. Now, before we start the I Don't Think So Honey proceedings, we do have a friend that joins us for most of our live shows. She is a very famous actress.

I know, very exciting. Wait. What? Yes. No, she's not coming. Annette's not coming? No. She's not coming.

She's not coming. Our friend of course. Whoa, wait. You are seeing a live... Emma, can you edit that out? Yeah. Happened right before your eyes. We're talking, of course,

about our friend, the famous actress, the Troll Bull. Yes. The Troll Bull. Now, the Troll Bull... No, I feel like we owe it to them to explain. Okay. Okay.

So every time we do this show, we have Annette Bening come out here. And it's Peter Smith playing Annette Bening. But Peter doesn't have the costume tonight, so Annette's not coming out. But I wasn't told that. And so this is an edit that out moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're going to proceed. We're going to proceed.

Who's high? It would really help me. Thanks. It really matters. Dust to dust. We're going to proceed. Who's high? It would really help me. Thanks. It really matters. Dust to dust. We're on a big rock in the sky. Oh, so we skip ashes to ashes. We go straight to dust to dust.

I had to get to rock on the sky early. So there are two types of I don't think so honeys. There's two options for all of our guests tonight. They can do a pre-selected I don't think so honey. It's a topic that they've chosen ahead of time that they've probably beat out, as they say in the industry. Or they can pick from the troll bowl, which is right here.

The troll bowl. So the troll bowl is filled with a bunch of topics to go negative on that would ordinarily be difficult to talk badly about. So, for example, past troll bowl topics have been Princess Diana. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Jean Benet Ramsey.

We don't care at all. We don't care at all. We don't care at all. If they're dead, it's better. Yeah. But on token, Brittany Murphy. Hasn't been in there, but that's what I'm looking for. You know what I mean?

So they have to go negative on this topic. It can be conceptual. Past conceptual topics have included diversity. Yes. Affirmative action. Yes. And so they have to shit on it. They can't do a workaround where they're like,

oh, I don't think so, honey, this person. Why don't you work more? No. You have to shit on it. They can't do a workaround where they're like, oh, I don't think so, honey, this person. Why don't you work more? No. You have to shit on the very essence of that thing. And so, to exemplify a pre-prepared I don't think so, honey, please welcome Bowen Yang to the mic. Bowen Yang.

So, you've prepared an I Don't Think So Honey topic? Mm-hmm. Okay. Well, in that case, your time will begin now. I Don't Think So Honey toilet paper. You want to get in my asshole, but I have to do all the work? No, thank you. I Don't Think So Honey.

I see you every day, and yet you're trying to get all bougie on me by being, like, two-ply, quilted, tufted, Charmin. No, bitch. Your job is to wipe the shit out of my asshole. You don't get to be fancy, okay? Look, other cultures have advanced to bidets. The future is bidets. Bidet culture.

I don't care that plumbing is hard to hack. I want water in my asshole. That is the only way that I will feel at least anally stimulated while I'm pooping. So I don't think so many toilet paper. You're done. You're busted. You're dry as hell. I don't care.

The Charmin Bears are fascists. And... Five seconds. if they represent something that is fascist to begin with, I don't think so. And that's one minute. Bowen Yang on toilet paper.

It was like a nice, plain, cool one. Don't note yourself. It was fantastic. Reading my own. It was the best of the night. Thank you very much. And now to exemplify it. No, wait, but I want to talk about toilet paper for a second. Okay.

Because I agree. I don't think so, honey. The shitty toilet paper hurts, but cleans your ass better. Yeah. The good toilet paper feels like a dream, and it stays in your butthole for two to four years. It's like gum. It's four years. It's like gum. It's like gum. It's like gum.

In that way. You're right. You're so right. I am so right. Oh my God. What a fun paradox. Now please welcome to this microphone Matt Rodders to exemplify a troll bowl.

I don't think so, honey. Okay. This is never my favorite thing to do okay because one time I got diversity and that was a display and that was a display Matt Rogers your I don't think so honey troll bowl topic is the actress Julianne

Moore and your time starts now I don't think so honey Julianne Moore you weren't good enough for Nicole Holofcener for can you ever forgive me you're't good enough for Nicole Holofcener for Can You Ever Forgive Me? You're not good enough for me. You wouldn't even be able to touch Melissa McCarthy's performance in that film.

I don't think so, honey, Julianne Moore. I was gonna say something about your freckles, but that's mean in a real way. All right. I saw the movie Gloria Bell. You were good. It was no Olivia Colman in the face, right? Julianne Moore.

Now that you've won an Oscar, I expect that every time. I expect an Oscar-winning performance every time. You danced around in Gloria Bell and looked kind of sad. Who here's seen Gloria Bell? More than I thought. Wow. I don't think so, honey. You all get more shit to do.

We all could have done better things than see Gloria Bell, though I was happy to be there not seeing Captain Marvel. I don't think so any Captain Marvel. You looked vague. Anyway, Julianne Moore, you were amazing in Boogie Nights. You were not good in that movie where you were

blind. I think it's called Freedom. I'm gonna walk off the stage. And that's one minute. Do we have anyone from A24 in the audience? Gloria Bell?

Distributed by A24. I love Gloria Bell. I live for Gloria Bell. Is it like a comedy where Truly no. I was gonna ask, I live for Gloria Bell yeah it was fun is it like a comedy where truly no truly no I was gonna ask is it like

could it pass as a comedy because someone smiles in it because oh is it a comedy in the transparent way of like oh someone smiled

and now it's a comedy at the Emmys like yes yeah yeah yeah and like in Orange is the New Black way oh someone's smiling right right right actually the first perpetrator

of that was I think Weeds Weeds was the and I think Jenji Cohen ruined television. Ruined television. She should be put forth in a television tribunal. How dare you conflate genres? How dare you

put us in this position now to call Orange is the New Black a comedy? I know they shifted genres recently at the Emmys, but... It's actually a real show for number 12. Jenji Cohen, ruined. How dare you. Alright, so we're ready to start I Don't Think So Honey Live. Uh-oh. I am too.

We've named all the groups. And we're bringing them up in groups of five. Groups of five. As you can see, there are five chairs. There's going to be five people in them. Everyone, please welcome to the stage this group More Like Booty Judge. Welcome Peter Smith. Welcome Katie Ruth

Ashcraft. Amy Zimmer. Welcome Christy Chillo. And Sydney Washington. Oh, wow. What a beautiful group. And the very first to the mic, otherwise known as Annette Bening, but not What a beautiful group. What a beautiful group. And the very first to the mic, otherwise known as Annette Bening,

but not tonight, Peter Smith! Oh, my. Oh, my word. Peter, did you have... Howdy, boys. Hi. Did you have Annette...

Were you in the Annette costume before this or no? I think we were very unclear with you about what you were supposed to do tonight, and I believe the last thing we Ended on was that you were not going to do Annette Because you have somewhere to go You have a theater to go to

Wow put my shit on blast Listen I don't know I'm happy to hear from Peter instead of Annette In fact Annette Bening I don't think so honey but I do She pays my bills sometimes Peter Smith Are you going to be doing And I don't think? Peter Smith, are you going to be doing,

and I don't think so, honey, Trouble, or are you gonna have something in that beautiful brain? Oh, wow, the beautiful brain. The beautiful brain. Okay, we love that. This is Peter Smith's I Don't Think So, Honey, Their Time Starts Now. I Don't Think So, Honey, Going First.

Okay, the seal has been broken. Here I am, thrown out on top. The lamb, the martyr. Interesting tomorrow. Pretty timely, don't you think? Yeah. Here I am, ready to be nailed to that cross of comedy. Hey, hey.

Oh, what time is it? 30 seconds. I just need to get everyone ready for the rest of the show. Two hours of people screaming at you. I'm keeping it pretty low to start because I don't want to blast everyone's eardrums out. By the time I get to the end of this 30 seconds,

we're going to be louder and louder and louder. 50 seconds. For the folks at home, I'm wearing a t-shirt that has my. 15 seconds. For the folks at home, I'm wearing a t-shirt that has my name on it. For the folks here, yeah, hi. 10 seconds. 10 seconds, I'm gonna get louder and louder

and louder and louder. You get louder too. Louder, louder, louder. That's one minute! Peter Smith warming up the crowd! I don't think so, honey. I'm the person in position to warm up the crowd. Oh, Peter, Peter, Peter. I love that, Peter.

That was beautiful. You have to! And now you have to! Katie Ruth Ashcraft! Katie Ruth! Oh, Katie Ruth. Katie Ruth. We're so good, Katie Ruth. Katie Ruth. Hi, we're doing fine. We're so good, in fact.

What would you like to do? I'm going to go from my brain. From the beautiful brain. Oh, and I preached to the troll bowl. I don't know why. And this is Katie Ruth Ashcraft. Katie Shush. I like Katie Shush.

Katie Shush Ashcraft? I don't think so, honey. Her time starts now. Her time starts now. I don't think so, honey. People time starts now. Her time starts now. I don't think so, honey. People who mistake my optimism as naivete. Okay? All right.

I have but one life to live, and you're going to tell me to not get my hope up? Bitch, it's up. And it's rising, okay? My hope is renewable. Get it in the Green New Deal. Okay? All right?

Yeah, I believe in love. And if that makes me childlike, then goo-goo-ga-ga, bitch. I'm a baby. And I'm a baby that fucks people she loves. Okay? All right? And I don't want you maybe mistakenly thinking

that it's a response to instead of... Sorry, let me start over that. Actually, I'm going to calm down for a second and in my true, whimsical, optimistic self, I'm going to end with a poem, okay? Or I'm going to say, I'm going to recite Ross Gay's Sorrow Is Not My Name, which is a response to, okay, but look,

remember my niece, she's running through the field, calling my name, my angel's voice of a singer. Oh, fuck. Gone! Yes, one minute! We got the poem. We get it. It's about being positive. I was gonna let her

finish. Can you finish? This is the end of the poem, okay? It's about being positive. I was going to let her finish. Can you finish? This is the end of the poem. It's Ross Gay's Sorrow Is Not My Name. And the end of it goes, But look, my niece is running through the field calling my name. My neighbor has a voice like an angel. At the end of my block is a basketball court. And I remember

my color is green. I am spring. Katie Ruth Ashcraft. That poem was Ashcraft. Poet laureate, Katie Ruth Ashcraft. Beautiful. Please welcome

to the microphone now, Amy Zimmer. More poetry! More sports! Amy Zimmer! Hi, Amy. Oh, no! And you come... No! She's done. She needs water.

Thank you. Oh, so hydrated. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Oh, Peter's got it. Wow. Hi. Hi, Amy. Oh, Peter's got it. Wow. Hi, Peter. Hi, Amy. What a nice friend. Listen, here's the thing. We have two options for you.

They are the Trouble, which is here, and then of course, Preselected, I don't think so on any topics. Thank you, Peter. Thank you, Peter. Thank you, Peter. I'm gonna go Preselected. Preselected is where she's gonna go.

This is Amy's Day, but I don't think so on Amy's Time Starts Now. I don't think so, honey. The past. Okay. Hate to break it to you honey, but that happened. Okay.

I'm right here right now in the present honey. You hear me? Okay. I'm not thinking about what happened before. I'm here right now. I'm trying to guide us into the future here, honey. And how can I do that thinking about that old thing, okay?

I can't. I'm all for history, but the past, my therapist says I have to go back into that. 30 seconds. And learn more about covert narcissists, honey.

I already learned that, honey. I won't go back there. It's Passover. 50? Okay? And it's 420. And may I just say, free everyone incarcerated for drug offender. Five seconds.

I'll leave it at that. I don't think so, honey. That's one minute. That's one minute. Amy Zimmer, everybody. Thank you, Amy Zimmer. And thank you, Christy Ciello, for being next. Christy.

How you doing, baby? Hi, you guys. Hi, Les Culturista. I'm excited. I love this show. We love you. Now here's the thing. There's a bowl here. It's the troll bowl. And you can

do that or you can do a pre-sliced topic. And let me tell you something. I've seen you do both, baby. And I know that whichever one you choose you'll excel. Yeah. You want to know something crazy? Yes. I'm doing the troll bowl. That's troll bowl of the night.

Get away. Don't you dare touch it. What's it going to be? Yes, yes, yes. Christy, your troll bowl topic is the city of Paris, France. And your time starts now. I don't think so, honey, the city of Paris, France.

Bonjour, more like no. Paris, France, I just don't, you know, I don't really get what the big deal is. Croissants? I don't think so, honey, Paris, France, because it's so far away. I don't think so, honey, Paris, France, I can't afford you. 30 seconds. I don't think so, Paris, France, Eiffel Tower is tacky. I don't think so. Paris, France.

Because, you know, you're not New York, which is the greatest city in the world. Start spreading the news. I'm leaving today. I'm gonna be a part of it. I don't think so, honey. Paris, France. Because you can kiss my butt.

That's what we did. Christian, shout out, everyone. Paris, France, you can kiss my butt. Kiss my butt. Good of you to not mention the Notre Dame, or did you just forget it was even there? I don't think so. Elephant in the room.

Notre Dame, pretty forgettable. Also, I mean, try not to be a cathedral, a gothic cathedral made of wood. Yeah. Yeah. Stupid ass. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Try not to. Try not to do that.

As you lay in ashes on the ground, try not to be a cathedral made of wood. See you in 15 years. See you in 15 years, Notre Dame. Yeah. When you're made of metal and are a museum that costs $800 to get into.

I don't think that's true. Fuck you. Now, please welcome to the microphone our friend Sidney Washington. Sidney! Hey, baby. Hey, baby. L. baby! Hey, baby! You're a star, baby!

LA Matt, yes! He's back! OK, hi, boy! Sydney, hi. What's it going to be, preselected or troll ball? Oh, you know, I got my notes here. I got my notes. You got notes.

Preselected, baby. This is Sydney Washington's I Don't Think So Honey, Her I Don't Think So Honey starts now. I Don't Think So Honey, Destination Wedding. Oh! OK, bitch! I don't think so, honey. Her, I don't think so. Honey starts now. I don't think so, honey. Destination wedding. Okay, bitch. I don't care if it's in Aruba, Jamaica, or Cancun. Wait, is it Spring Break?

I don't care. Listen, I don't care. Stop telling me it's a vacation. It's not a vacation if your mother, your sister, and your annoying friend from middle school is there. It is not a vacay. Stop telling me that I have a whole year to save. Bitch, you don't know my finances. My debit card just got declined at Dunkin' Donuts.

No, I can't go to your destination wedding. Okay? I am not going to your destination wedding that costs $2,000 to watch you and a man named Ted that wears Crocs on date night tell your drawn-out vows, okay? Listen, listen, I don't think so, honey. My edges can't take it, all right? Five seconds.

Wait, and stop asking me to be a bridesmaid on top of your destination wedding, all right? Listen, I don't want to be stuck with your six friends that all y'all got in common is pina grigio. Honey, I don't think so. I don't think so. Destination wedding. Yes, Sydney. Sydney doesn't want to go nowhere

except L.A. Everyone, give it up for this first group. More like Booty Judge, Kirsten, Katie Ruth Lashon, Amy Zimmer, Kristy Cello, and Sydney Washington. Whoa, what a beautiful start. Unbelievable.

Wow. Wow, truly we're off to an amazing start. I say we get our next group out there. What do you think? Please give it up for this group, Friday Night Lights. Sudie Green. Eli Coyote-Mandele. Aka Wodham.

Gary Richardson. And Will Stevens. Yes, Friday Night Lights. Oh my god, Friday Night Lights. Friday Night Lights. Now welcome to the microphone our friend Sudie Green. Hello. Hi.

I heard a rumor at brunch today with just you about what you were doing. Has that stayed true? First of all, I just want to say that tonight on stage we are all family. Yes. Oh, no.

It's a tight-knit group here tonight. We're all cousins. And I'm going to be vulnerable, and for the first time ever, I'm going to do the troll bowl. Oh! Wow. Thank you. Thank you for being here. I feel confident.

I'm so nervous. I feel confident for you. I'm so nervous. I feel confident. Sudie, your I Don't Think So honey trollable topic is Chrissy Teigen. And your time starts now. I don't think so Chrissy Teigen. You will lay out for literally any brand.

Honey, you and John, okay? Pampers, Target, fucking your skin bronzer. Fucking even John Legend's sponsoring Christmas now. Okay? Pampers, Target, fucking your skin bronzer, fucking, even John Legend's sponsoring Christmas now. The two of them on Christmas. Also, she's not eating all that food. No way. Every night,

tonight we have chicken, we have pasta with garlic and cheese. Babe, are you excited? Babe, what do you think, Luna? I do watch every single Instagram story. Also, girl, you funny, but like, you're funny for a model.

Okay? You're funny like a guy on my improv team's girlfriend is funny. Like, good job! Yeah, that technically is a joke. Five seconds. It's just coming out of somebody with the most symmetrical face you've ever seen,

so you're like, whoo! That's one minute! Seriously! Chrissy Teigen and her OVA party! Chrissy Teigen and her OVA party! Yeah, Chrissy Teigen and her OVA party. 50 Tickets OVA Party! 50 Tickets OVA Party, and now welcome to the stage, the man responsible single-handedly for Weezer's revival, Eli Coyote!

Yeah! Eli, what's up? Thank you! My beautiful friend has done more for me than I ever could. That's not true. That's not true. Eli, okay, you have two options. Pre-selected or troll book. I'll say this. I did something kind of wacky and outrageous. Oh, good.

Which means? I wrote out a statement, but I would love any topic that I could say it on. Oh, so you want to pick something out of here and your top, your written I am confident that my pre-written statement will match.

Can I pick something? We'll see. We'll see. We'll see. This is an interesting one. Because... This is the star of Roma, Yalitza Aparicio. Yalitza Aparicio. Your time, Yalitza Aparicio. She was nominated for Best Actress. Her first name is Yalisa Aparicio. Yalisa Aparicio. Yalisa Aparicio. She was nominated for Best Actress.

Her first name is Yalisa. Yalisa Aparicio. And you like how you demand until the time starts now. I don't think so, honey, Yalisa Aparicio. You know, some might call it or them a

coward's endeavor. Are you freaking kidding me with this crud? Not only does that thing or person suck ass for reasons I think we all understand. But the people who enjoy it are fools, cowards, and quite frankly, racist. I mean, this topic as if... If I were stuck on a boat with this person, thing, or idea, and also Hitler was also on the boat, and I had a gun and the gun had two bullets inside of it I popped two in my own head so Hitler had to be with this thing for

five minutes I yield my time You really roasted her. Now. That's a question. That's a question. Except or whatever. Rule of culture number 702. If you like Yalitza Aparicio, you are racist. And now. The Real Housewives of New York City are back for another bite of the Big Apple. Look who it is. Joined by elite new friends. Rebecca Minkoff.

Have you ever heard of her? But things could change in a New York Minute. She had this wild night and ended up getting pregnant by some other guy. What? You've told her? Not today, Satan. Not today.

The Real Housewives of New York City. All new Tuesdays at 9 on Bravo or stream it on City TV+. I'm Cheryl Swoops, WNBA champ, three-time Olympian, and basketball Hall of Famer. I'm a mom and I'm a woman. I'm Tarika Foster-Brasby, journalist, sports reporter, basketball analyst, a wife, and I'm also a woman. And on our new podcast podcast we're talking about the real obstacles women face day to day see athlete or not we all know it takes a lot as

women to be at the top of our game we want to share those stories about balancing work and relationships motherhood career shifts you know just all the shit we go through. Because no matter who you are, there are levels to what we experience as women. And T and I, well, we have no problem going there. Listen to Levels to This with Cheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster-Brasby, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, a five-year-old boy floated alone in the ocean.

He had lost his mother trying to reach Florida from Cuba. He looked like a little angel. I mean, he looked so fresh. And his name, Elian Gonzalez, will make headlines everywhere. Elian Gonzalez. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian.

Elian. Elian Gonzalez. At the heart of the story is a young boy and the question of who he belongs with. His father in Cuba. Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or his relatives in Miami. Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. At the heart of it all is still this painful family separation.

Something that as a Cuban, I know all too well. Listen to Chess Piece, the Elian Gonzalez story, as part of the My Cultura podcast network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll. This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had.

We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story, from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. We talk about guilt, shame, body image, and huge life transformations. I was a desperate, delusional dreamer, and the desperate part got me in a lot of trouble. I encourage delusional dreamers. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate, delusional dreamer. I just had such an anger. I was just so mad at life. Everything that wasn't right was everybody's fault but mine.

I had such a victim mentality. I took zero accountability for anything in my life. I was the kid that if you asked what happened, I immediately started with everything but me. It took years for me to break that, like years of work. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast trust me you won't want to miss this one are you ready for hey yo hi felon you invented the high waisted jean I just saw.

I invented it in my basement in Baltimore. Yeah! So Eggo, hello. Hi Matt. We have a troll bowl here that is full of topics or we have a whole probably mine full of ideas that you can spew on. I have some shit to talk about. This is Eggo Wodems. I don't think so. I don't think so, honey.

Motherfucking dating apps, okay? Okay, I know this might not be an original idea, but I'm sick of this shit, okay? Men are now cowards, alright? So I don't think so, honey. Men. Men.

You need to talk to me in real life, okay? I don't need a pen pal. I don't need a man to text for a few days at a time who then falls off and reappears months later. Bitch, I thought you were dead. 30 seconds. I have friends to text. And if you see me in real life, come up and talk to a bitch, okay?

Because I'm looking for some dick. It's been a damn drought, okay? And this is the one time I have to tell people in a public place that I need dick. So fuck your dating app and talk to me in person. Yeah! Thank you, I love you. Step to that in person, y'all.

Wow. I am very excited to welcome Gary Richardson. Gary! Gary. Ooh, Gary. I'm very excited to welcome Gary Richardson! G'day! Gary. Ooh, Gary. Always looks right, the beautiful one.

Always looks exactly right. Looks right. You're too kind. Come on. You're too kind, you're too kind. What's it gonna be, preselect or troll? You know, I live above a bodega, so today I was thinking about this. So I'm gonna go preselect.

It sounds preselect. Yes. All right, this is Gary Richardson's I Don't Think So Honey. And his time starts now. Okay, I don't think so honey, honeydew melon. Okay? For real, let's keep it a buck right now, okay?

If I get a fruit salad, the kid want grapes. The kid want watermelon. Okay, but I'm staring at the fucking Wizard of Eyes with this fucking green nothing that is honeydew melon, okay? Alright, plain and simple, okay? Honeydew melon is the produce

equivalent of going to the bathroom, taking like a tiny shit, but you're wiping for days. That's what it is. It's like, hold on. Like, wait. How the fuck did this pop off? Why is this going down like this? This ain't how shit should be.

I've lived my whole life living one way, and then you're going to blast me with this, like, chunk of nothing taking up 40% of the fucking space. It's crazy. It's out of control. And then I'm talking to my guy at the bodega, like, yo, why are we doing this? And he's like, hey, I don't make it.

You gotta live with it. And I'm just like, I don't know, don't suck my dick. You know, just like. Gary, listen to this. Suck my dick, Arthur Bowen. How you doing, man? Get out of here.

Get out of here. Get out of here. And now, who do we got bowing? We have the prince in my heart. Please welcome to the microphone, Will Demon! Yes! Oh Will! I genuinely believe you are in love with him.

I can tell the way you look at him, it's special. I love Bo. I love Bo. We should be together. I think it would work. I love Will very much. Will, what's it going to be? Preselected or troll by?

You know I'm going to go with the troll bowl. I knew she was a brave bitch! She's a brave bitch. Let's do it. Okay! Your I don't think so, honey troll bowl topic, Will Steven, is Serena Williams. And your time starts now. I don't think so, honey Serena Williams.

And I'm going to tread real lightly here. I don't think so, honey Serena Williams, because guess what? You're too good at your sport and you make cool Instagrams that I like. Look, Serena Williams, she's the best at what she does. She might be the best athlete of all time, and how fucking boring is that? I don't think so, honey, being the best of your field. 2019 is not about perfection. 2019 is about struggle.

It's about wrestling with what's going on in this country. Serena Williams does not contribute to that. Serena Williams is a scourge on 2019. Oh! Five seconds! And I yield my time! Ah, that's one minute! We'll see then!

Oh, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I love it. Give it up for Friday Night Lights. Judy Green. Sheila Haley, my man. Ego Wodham. Gary Richardson. And Will Steven.

We love those Friday Night Lights. We love those Friday Night Lights. Wow, Serena Williams is a scourge on 2019. She does not represent struggle. No. Not at all. Everyone, please welcome our next group. Glamapusa.

Tim Gerbach. Lane Quetterman. Neil DeStralfer. Mark McGann. And Anne-Marie Yu. Wow, Anne-Marie, come on. Where is Anne-Marie right now? Where is Anneory right now? Where's Emory?

There's Emory. Bob Mackie's fantasy. Oh my god. Whoa. You may be seated. Did you wait on purpose? You can all be seated. Did you wait on purpose, bitch, for your moment?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Please welcome to the Langer phone, Tim Gerbach! Hi, Tim! Hi! Whichever.

Tim? Hi. What would you like to do, pre-selected or trolled mode? I am gonna do pre-salucted. We respect. This is Tim Gerbox. I don't think so. I don't think so, honey. Matt Rogers on Tinder four years ago.

That's right. This beautiful bitch and I matched. Oh, my God. the possibilities are endless. The first thing he messages me is, I didn't know you were gay. Guess what? Neither did most of my friends or my family because I was steeping in a sea of self-loathing.

I then reply to him. I say, that is way harsh. He says, I think the line, honey, is that's way harsh Thai. Don't you try to out-quote clueless bitch. I was fucking 10 years old and saw that movie in the theater with my best friend, her older sister, and her older sister's hunky-ass boyfriend who was wearing a cable-knit sweater that I could not stop watching. And I was only 10 years old.

It was a confusing time for my body and my mind. And in conclusion, may I please remind you, honey, that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty. And that's wonderful. That's nice. That's nice. That's great. Oh my God. Oh God.

I was wondering why it would come up. What just happened was Larry Owens level. Wow, wow, wow. Oh my god. Mwah. Mwah, Tim. Oh my god. Please welcome to the stage, the fucking dressed for the occasion, Leigh Platteras! Pick it up, Leigh.

Thank you. Oh, wow, Thank you. Thank you. What's this gonna be? Pre-select your troll goal. I prepare and I pre-select. Oh! It follows. This is quite a recent event. I don't think so. Now!

I don't think so, honey. The holiday for 20! I don't care if your little celebration is today, I am coming for you! No! Oh, you were started by a bunch of privileged white boys who could just cut class whenever they wanted and call themselves the Waldos? Oh! No. And I don't think so, honey, edibles.

Because anytime I eat you, I either feel absolutely nothing or everything. I do not want to eat a Rice Krispie Treat and be playing Russian Roulette with a Rice Krispie Treat that tastes like grass. And CBD. CBD is a lie! Mandy Moore, do not tell me about how when you put on CBD lotion and wear stilettos that your feet don't hurt. Bitch, the reason your feet don't hurt is because your shoes cost more than my laptop! FAT DUCKER! Anyway, happy high holidays, you potheads. Oh no, wait! That phrase doesn't belong to you. You stole it from the Jews!

And last one minute, Lane Quaternary! Wow, everyone is sobered up here tonight. Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you, Lane. Thank you, Lane. Please welcome Neil DeStelva! Neil DeStalfa! Oh, bitch. Hi, baby.

Hi! Neil? Listen, we got a bowl here, we got a gorgeous mind. What? Truly, the world is your oyster right now. What do you wanna do? Troll bowl! Wow.

You guys go to the bottom for the good ones? Okay. New singer taking the the bottom for the good ones. Okay. New singer taking the world by storm. Tell me. Tell me? Okay. Her name? Billie Eilish. I knew it, bitch!

I fucking knew it! I don't think so, honey. Billie Eilish. Speak the fuck up. What are you saying? I am 33 years old. You are 17. If that's how you speak to your friends,

I'm sorry because you clearly don't have anything important enough to say. I cannot hear it. P.S. I follow you on Instagram. I don't understand the references to The Office. You're with Rainn Wilson. I really don't get it, and that's a part of millennial culture I don't get. If 17-year-olds were alive in the references to The Office, you're with Rainn Wilson, like, I really don't get it, and that's a part of millennial culture I don't get.

If 17 year olds were alive in the mid-90s, you would all be closeted and sad like I was. Okay. 20 seconds. I also don't understand Billie Eilish, but my mother does, and that's really upsetting because she did an episode of Ellen, and then my mom was like, do you know this girl, Billie Eilish? was like yes I do how do you understand so I

guess just I don't think so Billy Eilish but if you're 17 and you want to explain it to me I'll be out there Any 17 year old, Neil's asking for you. Neil, I for you. Neil is available. And please welcome to the mic, Mark McGinn. Mark McGinn. We have a nice, oh. He prefer a seat be there.

And Mark is about to strap. Oh. Oh. Oh. Of course this is Spice Girls. We love it. This is the Spice Girls tour singing naked. If only Mark was nude.

This is the assless man in the Spice World movie. Right, yes, yes. This is me, fifth grade, choreographing everything to Chicago. Yes, of course. We all see it? We were all there. We're all on board.

Mark, what's it going to be? I'm going to do pre-planned. Pre-planned? Pre-selected? Another way to say that in another language, pre-planned. This isplanned? Pre-selected? Another way to say that in another language. Pre-planned. This is Mark again's I Don't Think So Honey and it's time starts now. I Don't Think So Honey cutting the gay sex scenes from Rocketman, the biopic for Elton John.

Yep! If you're gonna do that, you might as well just rewrite the entire tale and bring in a white blonde woman named Mary and tell us that that was the love life of his entire life. Because that was a delish choice when we did that with Bohemian Rhapsody. We were all absuised. I just think so, honey, if you're going to do so, like, I will go see this movie

and I will start having sex in the theaters. I will go to every AMC in Midtown and I will have sex and I will recruit other men to do so because that is what sex is. It's more than one person. Look, I absolutely understand. 20 seconds! Or two or three and if you want four just call me after the show.

I understand the... 15 seconds. 15. Great. I understand the logic behind it because you do want money. The cleaner it is the better but think about this. You have history to make. You could by chance do...

Anyways, who's obsessed with my outfit? That's why I'm going to close this. That's one minute. Mark McGinn, everyone. Honestly, his I Don't Think So Honey was a feature-length film and couldn't fit into the one minute. And we

ended on the outfit. And we love. And now please welcome to the stage Anne-Marie. Anne-Marie! I am get. Oh my god. Nothing more to say. You said fashion so I came fashion. Is there also a blowout

happening? Yes. Yes. All of it. A bold lip, a blowout, fashion, all of it. And I'm going to be pre-selected or troll ball. She's a pre. She's a pre. And Marie, I don't think so. One of your times starts now.

I don't think so, honey. All Asians look alike. No. I don't think so. Okay. Front desk Becky, who pulls up a Jed and Kim account when I'm trying to check in, and then I give you side eye and go, that's not me. You double down and go, oh, that's crazy because you look just like her.

No, I don't think so! I don't think so. Okay, I don't think so, honey. Old white man who says, oh my God, that girl and you must be sisters. And I'm like, no, guess what? Not only are we not related, my parents are from Korea. Hers are from China. So no. And then, no, old man, you double down and go, that's crazy. Cause I was watching you both talk the other day and the similarities are just so uncanny. I'm telling you, you must be sisters. You're telling me that I have a sister. Oh my god, thank you so much, old white man. I'm sorry.

You're not apologizing, you fucking racist fuck. And you're staring at me talking to someone, you fucking creeper. I don't think so, honey, okay? Bowen and I are not related, although I wish we were. Welcome back! I'm a radio

give it up for Glamour Puss Tim Kermit Lane Quaternary Mark McGann kisses all kisses all love you miss you

17 year old you know who to find his name is Neil and now welcome to the stage the next group called Foolish Men to Pray On. Josh Sharp!

Pola Scola! Josh Sharp! Yes! Madhouse Pola Scola! Go do it! Max Witter! Joe Castlemaker! And George Tavares!

Come on! Look at these foolish boys to pray on. They were dumb enough to come on stage. And now we'll pray. We will pray on our first charge. Josh Sharp! Josh Sharp, we're going to pray on you. Come on!

Josh Sharp and Adam Selman. prey on you. Come on! Josh Sharp and Adam Selman. Yes. In designer pajamas tonight, honey. We love it. Okay, so listen, Josh. There's a bowl here. It's been rarely used. It's got full of troll bowl topics.

Well, it's for trolls, that bowl. Of course. Are you feeling trollish tonight or are you pre-selected? No, I'm pre-selected. Okay. Josh, I don't think so, honey. It's time to start today. I don't think so, honey. Remembering any of your names.

I'm sorry. I can't. It's a deficiency. It's a mental illness. It's a handicap. And yet it makes me rude? No. The burden you have put on me is crazy.

You've given me a full matrix of words I have to memorize. And because you've described deep personal meeting, if I slip up once on an asshole, no, that's on you. You know? Because most of them aren't even words. They're sounds. Like Peter, sure, that's a word, I guess. I'm giving it a go.

But like Megan, that's a sound. Megan, that's a sound. I don't use that anywhere else in my life. I'm not going to remember it. You know? I can try. Imagine if I came up to you and I said, you met me, and I said, for the rest of my life, remember this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, a full year and a half later, in a dim-lit bar, I said, what was my sound? And you went, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I went, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, you asshole. That'd be crazy. Is that a problem? Steeped in white supremacies? Are non-Anglo names harder for me?

Yes, I hate my white brain. Whiteness is a cancer. But I'm not an asshole. I'm just stupid. And that's one minute! Josh Hart! It's rule of culture number 18. I'm not an asshole.

I'm just stupid. And now, welcome to the microphone, Cole Eskola! Number 18, I'm not an asshole, I'm just stupid. And now welcome to the microphone, Cole Escola! It's Cole! Cole. Cole and Lace in Reeboks. I was so excited to touch him. Cole, what's it gonna be now? Little tease. Cole, what's it going to be now? A little tease?

Cole, what's it going to be? I've pre-selected. We love that. We love that. Cole, I don't think so, honey. Time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Standing up to pee.

I don't care. I don't care how good your aim is. There's always backsplash. There is always backsplash. If I wanted to get piss all over my legs and feet, I'd be going out with Matt and Bowen to bubble tea after this show tonight.

You're not coming? No! My Uber is three minutes away. And another thing, I work so fucking hard at everything I do. I go to therapy with a list of things in order of which they are causing me pain. Okay?

I pay $30 a month for Tinder gold so I can match with people in other countries so I can choose my vacations based on hot guys I match with. Okay? So if I wanna take five seconds to sit my fat white ass down and take a breath, I will, I deserve it. I don't think so. If that's what it is! I'm mad you're not going to the bubble seat.

I sit down every time I pee. Each and every time. Think about that. Every time I pee, I'm sitting. Are you standing? I'm standing, but the more I think about it, a way to queer peeing is to sit down while you pee. Take back peeing. Now welcome to the

microphone, our good friend, Max Witter! Max! Max! Okay, Max. Wrench it out. I'm sorry, I'm so stressed out. My stepmom just called me backstage sobbing, and I was like, somebody just died.

But my little brother just won his volleyball game. Isn't that great? So they're coming to visit next week! Anyway, so it's not... She was doing sobbing. Sobbing. She should know better. Should I just say I don't think so?

Are you lame right now? No, no, no. Okay, sorry. Whatever it is you want to do. If it is a lame, you can do a lame. No, uh... Okay, well, is it preselected or troll ball? Um, I want to do preselected, but it is a lane, you can do a lane. No, uh... Okay, well, is it pre-selected or troll bowl? Um, I want to do pre-selected, but I don't have anything, so can I do troll bowl?

Yeah! Absolutely. He wanted to do pre-selected, however, he had nothing. Okay, Max. Max, I feel very confident in you. No! Your troll bowl topic, I don't think so, honey, springtime. Springtime. And your time starts now. I don't think so honey, springtime. Springtime, and your time starts now.

I don't think so honey, springtime! Oh, everyone's like, oh I love just like a light jacket, I love light layers, and it's like, you don't know what you're doing with your layering, nobody, you don't know how to layer. Like, what you think is layering, no you just like to cover up as much as you can

because you're going to have shame. No, you know? Oh, I don't think so. I think springtime, all the flowers are like, ding dong, I'm here, you know? That's a little ding dong for you too. Ding dong, I'm here.

And it's like, okay, but then you leave two weeks later. And it's like, okay, so you're just giving me a little taste of the floral arrangement around the city and now I just have to say goodbye to it and then I'm just boiling the lie for the rest of the season? Are you fucking kidding me? I don't think that I need spring time. Spring showers give me flowers, my ass says no to any flowers that get me.

What? Fifteen. I don't even think that I need it. And you can see it's been able to sound pretty good. And honestly this whole thing, I was like, where are you? And just trying to like... So we did it! Great points all around from Max Witter. Great points.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Everyone please welcome Joe Castlebaker! Whoa. Where are those pants from? Um, I stole them from a rockabilly couple. Yes!

Ooh, okay. A rockabilly couple that had a flattering inseam on you. Joe, what's it going to be? Preselected or total? Um, okay. I'll do preselected. All right, all right. I'm a coward.

No, no, you're very brave. I don't think so, honey, as time starts're very brave. I don't think so, honey, as time starts now. Okay. I don't think so, honey. People that don't wanna hear about the dreams you had last night. Oh, I'm sorry that you actually are a fucking bitch. How about you learn about the internal world of your friend

instead of pretending like, I'd rather watch Game of Thrones than hear about my friend's boring dreams. Those are her fucking dreams. That's her unconscious mind saying, hey, put down the fucking booze and I'm going to show it to you in a fucking butterfly. 30 seconds. You listen to your friend

instead of thinking that you're so fucking burnt out that you can't listen to dreams anymore. Okay? Now it's a TED talk. Alright? Listen. Dreams, people have realized that dreams are actually really real.

And whether we like it or not, dreams are actually real. Is that it? 5 seconds. Okay, cool. Bye. Bye. 5 seconds. Five seconds. Is that it? Five seconds. Okay, cool. Bye. That's it.

Five seconds. Joe Castle Baker. Wow. Beautiful TED Talk for Joe Castle Baker. My word. My word. Everyone please welcome George Severus. George.

George. The shirt. George we love. Beautiful. Hey, Matt, do you remember the last time you were on the show? I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. Everyone please welcome George Severus! George!

George, the shirt. George we love. Beautiful. Hey Matt, do you remember earlier when you asked if the movie where Julianne Moore was blind was called Freedom? It is in fact called Blindness! And blindness is freedom in a sense. Well I'm happy I'm not as first thought as the executive producers of that movie.

I'm just gonna say that I'm not as first thought as the executive producers of that movie. I'm just gonna say that I'm not as first thought as the executive producers of that movie. I'm just gonna say that I'm not as first thought as the executive producers of that movie. I'm just gonna say that I'm not as first thought as the executive producers of that movie. I'm just gonna say that I'm not as first thought as the executive producers of that movie. I'm just gonna say that I'm not as first thought as the executive producers of that movie. I'm just gonna say that I'm not as first thought as the executive producers of that movie. I'm just gonna say that I'm not as first thought as the executive producers of that movie. I'm just gonna say that I'm not as first thought as the executive producers of that movie. I'm just gonna say that I'm not as first thought as the executive producers of that movie. I'm just gonna say that I'm not as first thought as the executive producers of that movie. I'm just gonna say that I'm not as first thought as the executive producers of that movie. And blindness is freedom.

Well, I'm happy I'm not as first thought as the executive producers of that movie. Wow. I don't think so, honey. George, is it going to be pre-selected or full? It's going to have to be pre-for-she. Pre-for-she. Pre-for-she.

Thank you. This is George Severus. I don't think so, honey. It's time to start the new. I don't think so, honey. People who say, just let people enjoy things. Guess what, bitch?

Do you know what I enjoy? Feeling morally superior to people who have bad taste. Oh, how dare I be dismissive of the Marvel, DC, Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, West Wing cinematic universe. Guess what? 30. All of those movies are funded by the military and big oil. And that's a fact, in my opinion.

Oh, I'm sorry I criticized your favorite live action board game. I can't wait for the movie adaptation of Settlers of Catan. Starring Chris Pratt as a racist log. And guess what? Five! Enjoying things is straight and not enjoying things is queer. And that's one minute.

George Severus. And we also have a rule of culture. Rule of culture number 15. And that's a fact in my opinion. Give it up for Josh Sharp. Cola Scola. Jack Switter. Joe Castlebaker. George Severus. They are our foolish men to prey on.

Now our next group. Our next group is called Something Inside Me Said Yes. And the first to the stage is Catherine Cohen! Catherine Cohen! And Walter Marie Fountain! Melissa Sikowski!

Rosebud Baker! And Kristen Buckles! Come on up, Buckles! Yes! What a group. What a group. Come on! And first in the microphone is...

The very shy Catherine Cohen! She's so shy! Oh my god. Stop it. Stop. Wait. She says stop. She says stop. She says stop. Kathryn, what's it gonna be? Preselected or trollable? Presele. Oh, presele.

Uh oh, my tits out. This is Kathryn. My tits out, Cohen. I don't think so. One of your times Coen. I don't think so. When your time starts now. I don't think so, honey. The moon. Why you always make me in a bad mood, the moon. Why you always make me feel like a bitch and act like a bitch even though my life is very easy, the moon. Why have you thrust me into the deepest, deepest depths of a spring, spring, spring depression, the moon? Absolutely the moon, I don't think so honey, the moon, the moon, the moon, I don't think so honey, the moon!

Why, why, why, why, why did you make me this morning wake up and say, Hey, today's a good day to text the person who asked me to be his girlfriend and then unasked me four days later if he wanted to go to the Guggenheim to see Hilda of Klint. I don't think so, honey, the moon. Why you make me buy a $65 candle, the moon? You swing your little ass around all day, the moon. You make the ocean go boom, the moon.

I don't know. I don't think so, honey, the moon. You go up, you go down, whatever you like. No. Five seconds. No, the moon. No, the moon, grow up. Stop making me fall in love, the moon. You stupid, stupid bitch. I seconds. No the moon. No the moon. Grow up, stop making me fall in love the moon.

You stupid, stupid bitch. I don't think so honey. And that's what's next! And we have a new World of Culture number 75. You make the ocean go boom the moon. And everyone should go to the Guggenheim to check out Hilma Hoppe. But in the meantime, please welcome

Marie Faustin! Marie. And she's got her phone out. My word. You know, she came out here and she's unprepared. No. So she was like, she's gonna do the phone but then she had an epiphany.

Oh! I cannot wait to find out what this epiphany had been. This is Marie Faustin's I Don't Think So, Honey, Your Time Starts Now. I Don't Think So, Honey, people who watched Beyonce's Homecoming and then said it inspired them. World! Where?

Inspired you how? You gonna give up meat and carbs and fish and alcohol and greens, beans, tomatoes, potatoes? I don't believe you, because I looked in your cart at Trader Joe's and I saw cookies, okay? I don't think so, honey.

People who watched it and said, it changed my life. Okay, so you want to call your two friends? The one that can't dance that well? The one that dance how you dance? And you want to bring them out at Coachella? Where you going to do that at? You going to fake a pregnancy?

Okay? You going to fake a pregnancy? And then get pregnant for real with twins and take all the photos like you just got pregnant for the first time because you weren't pregnant the first time? I don't think so, honey. She's a queen and we get it, and y'all are shocked

that black women are goddesses, but we already knew that. And that's what we did! Marie Faustin! Marie Faustin, conspiracy theorist. Blue Ivy was not pregnant with Blue Ivy. The conspiracy theorist was born here tonight. Everyone please welcome Melissa Sikowsky to the mic!

Come on, Melissa! Wait, turn around. Okay, yes! And the metallic on the boot. Come on. It's everything and more. Everything. And here's the question.

We gotta ask. It's the bull or it's pre-selected? What are we thinking? It is pre-selected. It is pre-selected. It is pre-selected. This is Melissa Stokowski's I Don't Think So Honey.

Our time starts now. I don't think so honey. Grocery stores in my neighborhood who do not sell Miracle Whip. Absolutely not. Do you think I am proud of this purchase? Do you think I am proud I went to leave my neighborhood, go to a different borough, the fancy borough, to buy a Midwestern delicacy? No, I do not. I don't think so, honey. You sell 19 different types of artisanal mayonnaise. 19 different types. Extra virgin olive oil mayonnaise. Vegan mayonnaise. That is not a thing.

That is not possible. Does not exist. Truffle mayonnaise. We are over truffle. Nobody likes truffle anymore. Rosemary. I don't think so, honey. Miracle Whip is the

Cher of condiments. It is iconic. It lasts for 72 years. It is the Mamma Mia. Here we go again. Two. It arrives in a helicopter. It is Cher. Are you too good for Cher? Williamsburg? Are you too good for

Moonstruck? For Witches of Egypt? Absolutely not. I don't think so, honey. Every grocery store in my neighborhood. And that's one minute. Melissa Stokowski, how dare you, these grocery stores. Unreal. I mean, Miracle Whip is the share of condiments, and that's actually real culture number seven.

Miracle Whip is the share of condiments. Now, welcome to the microphone microphone our friend Rosebud Baker! Rosebud! Ooh, I like this look. Okay. I love Rosebud. Um, I think I'm just gonna go with my heart. Yeah, you gotta go with your heart.

We just preselected her heart. I know for a fact. Yes, this is Rosebud Baker's I Don't Think So on your text list now. I don't think so, honey, making new friends. I can't do it. I was told tonight was a fashion event. There's cat hair

on my sweater. And I put my cat down three months ago. I don't think so, honey. Being funny. I don't think so, honey. Being charming. I am't think so, honey, being charming. I am single for the first time and I can't fucking do it.

Oh, no. I don't want to meet new people. I don't want to meet new... I don't want to learn your personality. You don't want to learn mine. Trust me. 50 seconds. I can't enjoy a massage unless it sends me

to a women's shelter thank you so much I don't need somebody and that's what finished Rose Todd Baker does not need don't get to know her

and now welcome to the microphone Kristen Buckels hello Buckels it's honestly Cher and Clueless but today Welcome to the microphone. Kristen Buckles! Hello, Buckles! It's honestly Cher and Clueless. But today... Have you ever heard of it? Ever heard of it?

Ever heard of it? Alright, so listen. Here's the deal. We got a pre-selected option, and what else do we have, Bowen? We got Trouble. So there's two. No. Pre-selected? I'm so sorry. I make up my own decisions.

Thank you. Oh! Yeah. This is Kristen Buckles. I don't think so, honey. Okay, I don't think so, honey. I am going to use notes. Yeah, use notes.

I'm so sorry. I've had four eight hours of no sleep, so I'm going to be with an Adderall, unrelated. Come on. It's a drug holiday. We all are here. Yeah. And her time starts now.

Okay, I don't think so, honey. People who think they're better than me because they're not on their phone. I'm so sorry. If your phone is on grayscale right now, I feel fucking bad for you. I'm so sorry, Becky, but deleting your Facebook and your Instagram

off of your homepage, it's not an accolade, it's a handicap. I'm sorry, I don't think so, honey. I have to work harder now to start a conversation with you. My friendship with you is now a fucking burden. I fucking think so, honey. I'm so sorry. So, you know, this is the girl who doesn't watch Game of Thrones

and you're fucking proud of that? I'm so sorry. You're not special. You're the same girl who didn't watch Titanic in 5th grade fuck you yeah I did masturbate to Leonardo DiCaprio

for the first time and I'm so sorry you didn't get to do that here's the thing 5 no keep going I'm so sorry

absolutely I'm just saying that my phone is a personality trait. Look at this dude. What's happening here? Yes, slut. Okay. And that's it.

I don't fucking think so, honey. Sit down. And that's one minute. My phone, Kristen Bell, and honestly, it's rule of culture number 30. My phone is a personality trait. And that's that. Give it up for this group! Something inside me said yes!

Catherine Cullen! Pete Faustin! Melissa Kowalski! Rosebud Baker! And Kristen Buckles! And now please welcome... Our final group for this half. First half, please welcome to the stage... Kelly Ripa

Kudneva! Eva Victor. Solange Azor. Sabrina Wu. Chris Murphy. And Natalie Walker. Yes! And welcome to my group of firsts, Eva Victor.

Eva Victor! Oh my gosh. Is it latex? This is simply latex. Wow! Okay, Ava, what's it going to be? Pre-selected. Pre-selected, you know the game.

Yes, this is Ava Victor. I don't think so many of your time starts now. I don't think so many Vanessa Carlton's a thousand miles. Bitch, you can't fall into the sky. Second, nobody in the history of the world is worth more than a 20-minute walk or a $7 lift. I don't think so on even as a Carlton's 1,000 miles, bitch. Okay?

Also, did you know 1,000 miles would take five days to walk? When I say 1,000 miles, you say, that's unrealistic, Vanessa. 1,000 miles. That's unrealistic, Vanessa. 1,000 miles. 30 say, that's unrealistic, Vanessa. A thousand miles. That's unrealistic, Vanessa. A thousand miles. 30 seconds. That's unrealistic, Vanessa.

Also, bitch, you know what the truth is? You know what the truth is? What? A thousand miles. That's unrealistic, Vanessa. Also, if you walk a thousand miles, he better make you come one billion times once you get there. I know what you're thinking

maybe it's not a he well it is because if it was a she she would say that doesn't make any sense let's meet in the middle five seconds five so vanessa get out of the truck let me help you carry your piano back to your apartment and let's think this through like adults i don't think so i didn, Vanessa Carlton's 1,000 miles. And now, next to our winner, Ava Victor! Oh, shit. That's unrealistic, Vanessa. That's real kill shot number 100. That's unrealistic, Vanessa.

Now, welcome to the microphone, Solange Azon! Solange! Yes, Solange. Oh, Solange. This love. Oh, man. Look at that. Yes, Solange. We, Solange! Oh, my! Yes, Solange! We have a trouble here.

We have pre-selected topics up there, maybe? What do you say? Pre-selected topics? This is Solange Resorts. I don't think so, honey. Our time starts now. Okay, um, I don't think so, honey. Anti-abortion propaganda! Yeah! Okay, okay!

Conservatives? Gonna tell me what I can do with my body when y'all don't even know how to fuck good? I don't think so, honey! Your information is bad. Your logic is weird. Read a tweet. I don't think so, honey! Also, you have whack-ass confusing branding.

Y'all heard of Mike Moon? Okay, he is a- 30 seconds. State representative of Missouri who went on Facebook Live and was like, this is what an abortion is. And beheaded a chicken. I don't think so honey!

No! And also, I don't think so science? I will say that, okay, and also yes, if I had seen that video before I had my abortion, I would have walked into that clinic and been like, yes, the guillotine option, please. Okay, but that's only because I love drama, okay? A fetus is a cluster of cells, and abortion is healthcare, folks.

Thank you. And that's one minute. Come on. Rule of culture zero. A fetus is a closet for cells, and abortion is healthcare. Bitch. Now welcome to the microphone, Sabrina Wu! Sabrina Wu! Sabrina!

Hello. What's good, honey? We got preselected, we got trouble, it's up to you. Preselected. This is trouble, it's up to you. Preselected. This is Sabrina Lazar. I think someone in your text starts now. I don't think so, honey. Widely taught, critically acclaimed children's book,

Tiki Tiki Tembo. For those of you who don't remember, the first sentence is, there once was a Chinese boy named Tiki Tiki Tembo. No saw, rainbow. Cherry berry, ruchi, fairy pembo. What a slur. 30 seconds. I once knew a real Chinese man. Want to know what his name was? It was Li.

And the author, in response to criticism, said, I'm sorry, I don't speak Chinese. I just wrote down what I heard my neighbor say. 15 seconds. So I'm going to say real Chinese, and then I'm going to switch to not quite Chinese. But I won't tell you when. You tell me when.

Oh, my God. 我的名 Wu Junyi, I love watermelon, and have you heard of this book called Tiki Tiki Tamba? That's my favorite book. Chip and Barry Gucci, Chip and Barry fucking Cucumber. And last but not least. Oh my god. Amazing! Oh my god. Amazing. Please welcome Chris Murphy to the mic.

Okay, Pam. Come on. Okay. Listen, talk to us about what we're doing here. Talk to follow. Yeah. There are two options for you. Yeah, I have a song in my heart, so I have to get it out.

You have a song in his heart? This is Chris Murphy get it out. I have a song in his heart! This is Chris Curtis. I don't think Sonya's time starts now. I don't think so, honey. William H. Macy? You overrated piece of shit! Letting your wife, Felicity Huffman, drown in the court of public opinion over Operation Varsity Blues? I'm sorry Felicity Huffman loves your idiot daughter

more than you do. The only reason you weren't indicted in this case is because you weren't engaged in your daughter's educational future.

And I'm so sorry. Alright? You're nothing but a deadbeat fucking dad just like the wet fart of a dead dad, deadbeat fucking dad, that you play on Shameless. Okay? Alright, and Beanie, maybe if you were a real A-list actor and not a C-list character actor,

you'd have enough money to sort of get your daughter into school the normal rich person way by buying a fucking billiard. Five seconds! Also, apparently he's on Raya and like, guess what WayVace Spacey, no one wants to fuck you. You look like Yertle the turtle. I'm the one who's on Raya! You think Spacey is on Raya?

He's on Raya. Yeah! You didn't hear it from me. Wow. You did. It's bleak. Absolute self-awareness. Chris Murphy, everyone. Chris Murphy. You did. It's bleak. How self-aware.

Chris Murphy. Chris Murphy. And now to close out act one. Who is it, Bowen? It's Natalie Walker. Natalie. Yes, thank you. Thank you, Natalie. Natalie Walker.

Natalie, this look, thank you. And what's it going to be? Dressed truly as the Oscar Glenn Close loss. Oh! It's a visual medium, I'm dressed in gold sequins and I look magnificent. Yes you do. What's gonna be preselected for Trollball? It's gonna be preselected that I thought of 30 minutes before the show, but I feel it in my heart. We love that. It's fresh. And here is Natalie Walker.

I don't think so many of her time starts now. I don't think so. I don't think so, Tavi Jevonson. Thank you. For those of you in the audience whose minds don't desire hell and therefore are not on Twitter, Tavi Jevonson had a very successful

fashion magazine that she then ditched for a very successful acting career in two Broadway shows that she has now abandoned to do Twitter's front-facing camera videos? Having this pivot to video, just like the pivots to video of Mike, of BuzzFeed, of MTV News,

it's hurting hundreds of people. Including, bitch, me! I love a front-facing video, and if I had been in two Broadway shows, which I did go to school and train for, I would not be doing my front-facing videos, Tommy! You are hurting me, You are hurting the masses. And I won't endure your Snapchat filter comedy.

I don't think so. And that's why I made it. Natalie Walker, give it up for everybody in this group. Ava Victor, Sabrina Wu, and Natalie Walker. We're going to take a very quick break.

It's going to be a shorter second half. Please stick around. We love you so much. Forever Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey.

For more original podcasts, please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team and liking our page on Facebook. I'm Cheryl Swoops. And I'm Tarika Foster-Brasby.

And on our new podcast, we're talking about the real obstacles women face day to day. Because no matter who you are, there are levels to what we experience as women. And T and I have no problem going there. Listen to Levels to This with Cheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster-Brasby, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez was found off the coast of Florida.

And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba? Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or stay with his relatives in Miami? Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story,

on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. I was a desperate, delusional dreamer. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate, delusional dreamer. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. And we are super excited to tell you about our new show, Dudes on Dudes. We're spilling all the behind-the-scenes stories, crazy details, and honestly, just having a blast talking football. Every week, we're discussing our favorite players of all times,

from legends to our buddies to current stars. We're finally answering the age-old question, what kind of dudes are these dudes? We're going to find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.