Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - "I Don't Think So, Honey! 14" (Part 1)

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

Listen to Part 1 of the 14th installment of I Don't Think So, Honey! LIVE from the Bell House!MERCH! MERCH! GET YOUR LAS CULTURISTAS MERCH!https://www.teepublic.com/stores/las-culturistasSUBSCRIBE ON APPLE PODCASTS TODAY!CONNECT W/ LAS CULTURISTAS ON FACEBOOK & TWITTER for the best in "I Don't Think So, Honey" action, updates on live shows, conversations with the Las Culturistas community, and behind-the scenes photos/videos:www.facebook.com/lasculturistastwitter.com/lasculturistasLAS CULTURISTAS IS A FOREVER DOG PODCAST. LAS CULTURISTAS IS PRODUCED BY EMMA FOLEY.http://foreverdogproductions.com/fdpn/podcasts/las-culturistas/ Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Where? Oh, I see. Wow. Bowen, look over there. Wow, is that culture? Yes. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Bowen, look over there. Wow, is that culture? Yes. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

Las Culturistas. Welcome to the stage. Las Culturistas. Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. Ding dong. Las Culturistas calling. Oh, my God. This is wild!

New York, how are we doing? Hey! Wow, it's good to be home. We have before any other word gets spoken. I just want to say something big has happened and there's someone sitting next to me right now who has made history. Oh my god no

sit down no no no no no no no no no no no no no no wow oh my god he's the first white bitch on SNL there's been a lot of white women

but there's been no white bitch actually no no no Victoria Jackson was a quarter white bitch Victoria Jackson Victoria Jackson her mom was half white bitch her mom was half white bitch oh my god

this is gonna be so goddamn fun. I like this blue light on. I fucking, very much, it's very Pisces lighting. I could cry any minute. I did almost cry just there. Just there. I'm in a very Pisces mood tonight. I'm also exhausted.

Okay, let's check in. So Matt just flew back in today from... Vegas, bitch. Las Vegas. Where he performed a show, a game show. It was fantastic. It was fun, but the real event, the experience that I had

of watching Christina Aguilera in Las Vegas. Wow. Okay, let's talk. I can report to the I Don't Think So Honey audience that the vocals are intact! Now, there is a heartbeat! Now, I have, you told me a little tidbit, which is that she was, she had to cut some numbers

because she was 45 minutes late. The woman took to the stage at, it was supposed to go on at nine, 9.45. As if she was Billie Eilish herself. I said like she was Billie Eilish herself. A new pop star coming up that she knew everyone would wait. I'm telling you, it was so good. The production value.

Yeah, it looked very showgirls. It looked very Vegas specific. I loved that. And it was Vegas specific. The show was in Vegas. So it's great that it felt that way. Talk about your state

at the show and after the show. So as you guys... Who listens to the podcast? So you may be well-versed in my famous self-control. I got absolutely tanked at Christina Aguilera.

I turned to Dave Mazzoni afterwards and I said, I wish she had sang Candyman. And he goes, it was a huge set piece. She did Candyman and it was like there was a costume change for Candyman. She was

trotting out on on a whole new set. But I do wish I had remembered her doing it. I do love that number. And then afterwards, well, this morning, we were getting off the plane from the airport, and I was looking at pictures I had taken, and I saw us at some sort of restaurant. We went to P.F. Chang's, and I didn't remember it at all.

Apparently, I ordered two hot and sour soups. Which has never been done before. It's what the natives do. It's what I used to do. Wow. I mean, growing up as a white bitch, I would drink hot and sour soup. What a time for people to have

a podcast with a co-host named Matt to be honest this is weird you legally can't go there anymore I can't go there

but I can oh my god no no no but I did I was fully gagged when I saw their podcast charting higher than ours

is that true? Yes, bitch. Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they have a closed subreddit if you guys want to check that out. We will never subject you guys to a sub. Go off. Go off.

I don't know. People are aching for more of this story. They want to talk about it more. I want to talk about it. I will be talking about it. This is about it. I will be talking about it. This is the thing. I will be asked about this. I'm sorry to go all like, oh, woe is me, my fame, but

I will be asked about this for the rest of my life and I fucking hate that. I fucking hate that. Anyway, I had a great vacation. Yeah. Tell them about your vacation or I will

okay I went to Turks and Caicos and great an Amanyara it's an it's an Amman resort they're very fun

it was a great time yeah yeah what would you like to add how much it costs oh I will not be no I'm just kidding Bowling Young doesn't want the wealth shamed.

Yeah. He says stop shaming wealth. As Cola Skola said, we need to stop stigmatizing wealth. I agree. I absolutely agree. Stop stigmatizing wealth. Stop it. Oh, my God.

With what's going on today. Oh, my God. Okay, what other current events are happening as we speak? Current events are happening as we speak. Yeah. Honestly, what the fuck is going on? What is going on? I guess politics, but who needs it, right?

Who needs it? Wake me up in 12 months when we've chosen the person. Wait, oh my god, 12 months, it's going to be like the election. Yeah. I'm realizing this now in real time. Ooh, I mean... Oh my god. Did you watch the LGBTQ forum

last night? I did not watch the forum. Did they talk about the issues pertinent to me? How are Kelly Clarkson's ratings?

Kelly Clarkson's ratings for her daytime show is an LGBTQ issue. It is. It's actually Rural Culture number seven. Kelly Clarkson's ratings for her daytime show is an LGBTQ issue. It is. It's actually Roller Culture number seven. Kelly Clarkson's reviews for her daytime show is an

LGBTQ issue. Okay, we've talked about this for so long. What is the ideal setting circumstance for you to actually meet her and talk to her? Like, walk us through this. It's literally so scary that you do this, like, she could walk in.

This would be so that, like, soldier comes back from war moment for me. If she would have trot herself in here right now. And you'd be a German fucking shepherd running up to her. Like the gayest, dumbest German shepherd.

Um, no, I mean, where would I meet her? I don't know. Yeah. Like, it's now become a thing of like, I know it'll be like so stupid. No. Because I'm going to cry so much. Like, I'm going to turn into someone that is not a person.

And that's going to scare her. And she's going to, it's not going to be cute. Like, wow, that was amazing to meet a fan. It's going to be like, that is not a person. And that's going to scare her. It's not going to be cute like, wow, that was amazing to meet a fan. It's going to be like, that person has a sick disease. Yeah. Wow. Did you see on her show? Guaranteed none of you did. That they brought back the three original American Idol judges.

And Justin Guarini. So you guys are acting like they're still competing. Like, she won. judges and Justin Guarini. You guys are acting like they're still competing. It's fine between them. 17 years later, they all got together and they spent at least six minutes on his audition for the Dr. Pepper Little Sweet Guy. I was like, is this the most interesting thing we could talk about? Is like how you nailed that audition? Did he audition for it before the show?

Or wait, I'm not familiar with that. You don't know Little Sweet? No. Okay, so this is culture. This is culture. This is great. It's great to have a teaching moment at the Bell House.

So Little Sweet, Justin Gortney does those Dr. Pepper commercials where he goes, Little Sweet. When? That was actually a pretty healthy bro. That was good. Not for nothing. Or not for bro, falsetto. Sorry, I do know. When was this? This was fucking Evermore presents.

Like, now. Evermore. Continuing? This was Evermore. It was Evermore. This was recent. I It was evermore. Okay. This was recent. Tired. No, he's been on TV. If you watch, I don't know, NBC,

which I do, I support. You'll see commercials with Justin Guarini in a sort of sexy prince costume. And he goes, little sweet sort of like sexy like prince costume. And he goes, little sweet. And he's like the Dr. Pepper guy. And I don't get it, but a lot of people do. And it gets him a check. It's not for us.

It's not for us, I don't think. No commercial is for me. Matt famously can't be marketed to. No. Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. Not since I've been friends with Bowen Yang,

the smartest person who opened my eyes. No. Not since Matt Rogers has been, has not read, but has been told about Trick Mirror

by Gia Tolentino. Has he, has his, have his eyes been opened? Wow. Wow. It's like not enough that I finally read less.

It's like, there's always another, I'm so sorry. No, there's always another fucking book. Oh. It's like not enough that I finally read less. I'm so sorry. No, there's always another fucking book. Oh. No, it's like this. It's like this. You know what? There can never be too many books. Don't touch me.

Get your hands off of me. Remember in Beauty and the Beast when Belle opens up the library and she's like sober. Yeah. The best scene. I was like, that ain't enough. I want more. I want more books. No, Matt, tell everyone what you thought of Less. Pulitzer Prize winning novel Less. Have you guys read Less?

What did you think of Less? I thought it was good. I thought the ending was kind of whack. I thought the ending was, well, spoiler alert. Don't spoil it! It's a happy ending. It's a happy ending and It's a happy ending, and it's like, really? Because as Sudi Green said at 20 years old

when we were watching Mad Men, human life is suffering, and this show gets that. 20 years old, someone was capable of that emotion. Watching Mad Men and saying, you know, this show gets that human life is suffering. I turned to her, I was like, you have your life ahead of you.

She wasn't wrong. She wasn't wrong. She wasn't wrong. Human life, who's suffering? I know someone who isn't suffering. No, I know someone who isn't suffering too, and it's our guest. And it's our guest, and she's been here since the beginning,

and we can't wait to bring her out. She is an acclaimed actress. Yeah, she's an Academy Award-nominated actress who continually makes time to come do I Don't Think So, Honey, and just chat with us for a few minutes up top before we get into the real festivities. By the way, can you give it up for Chelsea Piers?

Give it up for Chelsea! Good job! If you can even believe it, there's going to be another performance later from another one of New York's finest queens. We're excited about that. We're excited. But speaking of queens,

we have this acclaimed actress that's about to join us. Acclaimed actress. You've seen her in such movies as 20th Century Women. No, I was going to say Grifters. Yeah, well, go on. First Wives Club. No, bitch.

Oh. Wasn't she in that? No. You are one of the stupidest people. And it's crazy that the entertainment industry continues to lift you up. Yes. Trouble! She was...

The Trouble attacked me. It's from NBC. It's from NBC? Lauren put the Trouble here to attack me. It's crazy. Every day I go home now and there's Lauren's spies. Oh my God. He's like, you can keep doing the podcast,

but you shut the fuck up. He's like, my new star. Um, we... We hug her. You laugh, but he will kill me. No. You laugh but I will die at his old white hands. This is getting cut.

I'm gonna cut that out. We're gonna cut that out. I'm gonna cut that out. Yeah, okay. We're gonna cut that out. We can't comment on his age. We're legally not allowed to do these things. But we are gonna be able to talk to a true iconoclast.

She was robbed of an Oscar for the seminal movie that- First Wives Club, of course, which she wasn't even in. It's crazy to be robbed for something you weren't in. A movie that's aged so well, American Beauty. And now please welcome to the stage, Annette Bessie! Annette? Thank you. Annette, hi. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Hi. Oh, God. Are you just in town for... Oh, God. Are you just in town for... This is amazing, what you've built here. It's community. Yeah, this is really community. So, just to clarify,

you were not in the First Wives Club. You were not in First Wives Club. No, I was not. Yeah, right. That was Bette Midler. Yeah, Bette Midler, Diane Keaton, Goldie Hawn. There you go. Maggie Smith.

Maggie Smith. Stockard Channing. Stockard Channing. Stockard Channing. And then we got Sarah Jessica Parker in a really role. Thank you for reminding me. Of course. Yeah, of course.

And now you're sleeping on Diet Coke? I would have taken you for like a no soda, no carbonated beverage. Well, you're wrong, Bowen. Okay. And then where are you in town for? Is there a farmer's market happening? There was. There was.

Yeah, there was a big one on like 68th and West Street. It was beautiful. Was it a successful outing to the farmer's market? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, because I come for the apples. I really do. I live in Los Angeles.

Hi, how are you? Good to see you. And I live there. And there's no apples in California. There's no apples in California. You know what? There's a lot of oranges in California. Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's the Sunshine State. Yeah, of course. So, does Warren travel with you? Does Warren come out to New York with you? For the folks at home listening, my husband's name is Warren Beatty. Yeah, a lot of these young girls might not know. Well, yeah, I mean, kind of an institution in Hollywood.

Absolutely. Hollywood. Hollywood. So he does not come with you? No, no, no, he can't walk. Oh. We have a little grape tree In the backyard with lemons And other fruit on it

And he just kind of walks out and picks stuff But no apples at all We've tried none It's a tree that grows grapes, lemons Other fruits It's a giving tree It's a giving tree. It's beautiful. Yeah, it's a giving tree. Giving tree. Really giving tree. So I was

wondering, we always love to ask you to take the temperature of what's going on. So we just want to know in terms of what's going on right now in America, what would you say to everyone who really looks to you primarily for your wisdom? America.

Yeah. Yeah, all that's going on. Yeah. Right. The big major buttons that are being pushed left and right. Yeah. By you-know-who. Well, you know.

You-know-who is pushing these buttons. Absolutely. We've all been there. I mean, the debates, right? Right. Yeah, the debates. Yeah, you know, the climate march was yesterday, right? Right. Yeah, the debates. No, you know, the climate march was yesterday, right?

Yeah. Yeah, big walk everyone took. It was big. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just wondering if you could name, like,

maybe two other things that are going on. Right. And, yeah, could you take it Well, I'm kind of known for that. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, I'm kind of known for walking around Hollywood, kind of, you know, what's the scoop? What's up? Yeah. You know, I'm kind of known for walking around Hollywood, kind of, you know, what's the scoop? What's up?

Yeah. You know, I'm inquisitive. I have that. I'm an actor, so I ask questions. You are the neighbor of Hollywood. You are the neighbor of Hollywood.

Yeah, yeah, you know, I am, but what's up? Yeah. Yeah. Who are your neighbors in that? Kathy Griffin, who's been dealt

a hard hand. Yeah. I mean, as another redhead in show business. It's kind of crazy. You would consider yourself a redhead? Yes, I would. Okay. Okay.

All right. I think Annette's... A lot of people don't. I think Annette's... I picture Annette as a blonde. I think you're more of a blonde. Well, you know, I can shift. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've had a career. That's what makes you so great at acting, the way you can shift with a wig. I have one of those blonde. Well, you know, I can shift. Yeah. I've had a career. That's what makes you so great at acting, the way you can shift with a wig. I have one of those faces. Yeah, you have one of those faces for wigs. Kathy Griffin. You're my neighbors. Kathy Griffin is living in Marlon Brando's old house.

Which is cool because my husband, Warren Beatty, had kind of a... You know, him and Marlon would fuck sometimes. So, you know, that's cool. Yeah. Can I ask you a question? I've always wanted to know.

I really have always wanted to know what happened to Natalie Wood. Oh, my God. Does her... Should we not tell the matter? Don't give me chance to hear that. You can't.

She's not allowed to talk about it. No, I can't. I'm not at liberty to say. Right, but you do know. Well, sure. I mean, Christopher Walken, dear friend. Right, of course.

Right? Oh, of course. Of course. Yeah, I'm not really at liberty to say. Yeah. You know, Jack Nicholson. You know, those'm really at liberty to say. Yeah. You know, Jack Nicholson,

you know, those guys. One of those guys. Yeah. There's no statute of limitations on murder. You know, it's a very sensitive...

Oh, murder. Well, that's kind of, you know, presumptuous. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's presumptuous.

To insinuate that I had anything to do. No, not you. Not you. Just your husband. No, I sneeze. I'm allergic to apples. No, not you. Not you. Just your husband's press. I'm allergic to apples. Yeah.

Yes. And I've just been munch, munch, munching all day. It's great that you don't live in a state where they grow. I know. We say that. California, arid. All the almonds taking up all the water. It's crazy.

The almond milk. The almond milk is crazy. Everywhere nowadays. They're ruining it for everyone. They really are. They are. Almond lovers. Thoughts on oat milk?'re ruining it for everyone. They really are. They are. Almond lovers. Thoughts on oat milk?

Oh, well, you know, I'm from... We actually have big oat milk in the house. We have big oat milk. Yeah. A super pack. A super pack. A super pack in the house. You know who they're supporting?

Buddha Judge. Big oat milk is supporting Buddha Judge. Well, he's, you know... What do you think of him? Buttigieg, that's the gay boy, right? Yeah. He's a good little gay boy, right? Yeah.

So far, so good, so gay. It's kind of a salute your shorts, kind of gay boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, can definitely tie a knot. He's kind of got a little rascal energy. Yeah, sure. You know. But the original, the 1920,

1910 Nickelodeon. You're saying there's a bunch of kids in a trench coat under him? Yep, yep, yep. He's got a lot of little boys underneath his big head.

Yeah. Holding him up. Yeah. You think that's his big political secret? Yeah. Yeah, okay. You know,

big pharmaceutical companies will put a baby in there to hold him up. Yeah. Big Oat has a baby in there to hold him up. So, you know big pharmaceutical companies will put a baby in there to hold him up yeah Big Oat has a baby in there to hold him up so you know

while you're here talking about politics I think it's important to bring up your upcoming project which of course I know that you know you're in this film

you're in a film called The Report where you play Senator Dianne Feinstein and you my dear are garnering some Oscar buzz I put my shit up

blast are you excited I just want to say is this year Dianne Feinstein, and you, my dear, are garnering some Oscar buzz. I put my shirt up. Blast. Are you excited? I just want to say, is this year the year? You playing Senator Dianne Feinstein. I want to know three things. Have you met her? What's she like? And are you excited for the Oscars? Haven't met her. What's she like? I kind of made that up.

Oh, the character you mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do kind of a... And what was the third question? I'm so sorry. Are you excited about the Oscars? We almost fell off. Everyone wants to know.

If I'm going to get an Oscar? Yeah. For The Report, where you play Dianne Feinstein. Well, I have... There have been... I've had a lot of years where it might have been mine and ends up

kind of going somewhere else, you know, to some other girl, to some other woman. Right. So I can't really say if it's mine

because who knows who's going to come out of nowhere. You seem angry. You seem like this is something that gives you a great deal of angst. You're taking up less space.

In Shakespeare, okay, we're in Shakespeare, right? Okay, yeah, of course. So the people down here are really who, they're the voters, right? Yeah. They're the rabble, they're the... The groundlings?

The groundlings. Exactly, you've studied Shakespeare. Oh, NYU, NYU. NYU, NYU. NYU, Tisch. Not Tisch, but... I was in Tisch. You were, Bowen wasn't in Tisch.

Interesting. No, I wasn't. Well, rags to riches, you know how these things work. Yeah. Not really at all. Well, I mean,

it's you and the early, the early front runners are you and Renee Zellweger from Judy. For Judy, you know, I am afraid for that flip film. Afraid?

What do you mean? Why are you afraid for Judy, the film? Well, someone, I'm mostly afraid, someone's paying for Renee's press. A lot of it. And I think

it might be Big Oat. I think Big Oat Milk would support Renee Zellweger and people to judge. That feels right to me. Judy was a big smoker, too, so I think tobacco probably is having its little greedy pause. Now I just want to ask

in case I'm voting for Marianne Williamson. I don't think she has much longer. She's not pulling very long. Well she lives by me.

She's one of your neighbors? She's one of your neighbors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you ever take one of her spiritual courses?

Pills, yes. Oh. I took no well in the early 90s for sure. What is happening? my wig is falling off are you doing research for a wig

my wig's falling off your wig's falling off so this is a wig yeah you know underneath this I've shaved my head completely wow

for a different project which I can't really well James Cameron okay that's all I can really say is it Avatar 6? Rise of the Sexy Ponytails.

Yeah. That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a, I glue a ponytail to the top of my bald head. Yeah, yeah. And they put a wire in it

so it kind of goes up like a curl. Yeah. Are you with me there? Yes. Curl on top of the head, hair braid. Of course.

Yeah. And then I have a line of green down my whole naked body wow well we're looking out for that and we always love

to have you thank you so much for coming and I hope you pick lots of damn apples thank you I'll put it back yeah you just

put it right back I don't know I'm actors equity so I don't know if I can touch the wires she can't touch equipment but give it up for Annette Bening.

Thank you. One more time. So I'm happy that we sort of have touched on some culture because right now what we're going to do is I Don't Think So Honey Live. Do people know? Do people know what an I Don't Think So Honey is? People know?

Who's first time at I Don't Think So Honey is it? First timers? Great. Now why don't you explain what an I Don't Think So Honey is? So basically an I Don't Think So Honey is it? First timers? Great. Now, why don't you explain what an I Don't Think So Honey is? So basically an I Don't Think So Honey is we take 60 seconds to rail against something in culture that we do not like, we think should be addressed fiercely and loudly. And so basically we have 50 comedians that are backstage right now. They're all going to take to the stage in groups of five, one after the other, and they're all going to rants against culture.

But in order to show you how that is done, I'm going to now ask my friend, Bowen Yang, take to the stage. For he is going to do the very first I Don't Think So Honey of the evening. Oh, did you have your phone? Great. Okay.

So there's two types of I Don't Think So Honeys. Well, I'll get to that after, bitch, okay? Okay. Turn to face them. Okay. They're your audience. Wow. And now, everyone, this is Bowen Yang's pre-prepared I don't think so, honey.

It's very hard for me to use a phone. And his time will start now. I don't think so, honey, the Hollywood reporter. For confusing me and Joel Kimbooster. And for blaming it. For blaming it on a photo error. Just tell the truth. Get some journalistic integrity and say that it was the fault of a social media intern named Trilby or something.

Who loved me on Silicon Valley. Here's what's going on. Joel and I were on Fire Island this summer. A group of Asians went up to him and said, are you Bowen Yang? And Joel said, no, Bowen Yang is over there. And then these Asians went, no, you're Bowen Yang. This is crazy.

Gay Asians are all UX designers. They should have spatial awareness to know that it's not me. Okay? The only way I will forgive the Hollywood reporters if they host a roundtable with me, Joel, Nico Santos, BD Wong, and George Takai. And we

get to talk about skin care and anal, okay? Here's the thing. And that's one minute. No. Watch Sunnyside on NBC on Thursdays at 9.30. And that's one minute. Starring Joel Kim Booster. And watch SNL starring me, Rob Schneider.

Bowen Yang, everyone. I had to get off. I think it's only fair that I moderate that panel. Yes, absolutely. I think I should moderate the panel. Oh, yes. They normally have that one lady, like... Now she's gotta go. Now she's gotta go.

That was a pre-prepared, I don't think so, honey. You'll see a lot of those tonight. You'll also see something else. Bowen, tell them what they're gonna see. So the second option for our performance tonight is to draw from the troll bowl right here. So the troll bowl has a lot of topics on it that are normally universally beloved things. So you have...

I'm, like, trying to shake it, but this is literally me being so hung up on Christina. It has topics like, oh, Princess Diana. JonBenet Ramsey. Subsidized childcare. I one time pulled from the Trill Bowl the word diversity. Things that are hard to go negative on but our performers

have to go negative on them no matter what. They can't find some workaround like, oh, ooh. No, you gotta be a real bitch. And I'm gonna be

a bitch right now because I'm gonna do the Trill Bowl. So give it up for Matt Rogers, my very good friend, Matt Rogers. Wow. Wow. Okay, Matt.

So... I don't like doing this! You're very good at this. Okay, Matt. I don't like doing this! There it is. Okay, Matt, this is something that I think you can find an angle on, but it's a public service that we all rely on here in New York. Your troll bowl topic is public transportation. And I think your time starts now. First of all, I don't think so, honey, Bo and Yang,

for putting public transportation in the fucking troll bowl. We all fucking hate it. You're fucking losing it. You get a little bit of fame and you lose your edge. You know what? Be a fucking brave ass bitch and put Laura Dern in the fucking bowl. I was ready to tear someone the fuck apart.

You give me the MTA? Okay, yeah, it's slow. It never comes. It's crowded. What the fuck? It's too cold when it's cold. It's too, yeah, it's slow. It never comes. It's crowded. What the fuck? It's too cold when it's cold. It's too fucking hot when it's hot. It sucks. We've all literally talked about it.

I've had a conversation with every person in this room about the empty fucking A. I fucking hate it. It's why I'm leaving the city. I don't think so, honey, New York City. I'm out. This is my last fucking night here. I'm serious. And no one mentioned it.

No one mentioned it. It's been all about Bowen. I don't think so, honey, Bowen. He puts MTA in the fucking troll bowl. Suck my dick, MTA. I'm gonna give you five seconds. You know what, MTA? It should be called Mass Transit Authority.

I don't think so, honey. And that's one minute. The topic was public transportation as a concept. Didn't specify the MTA. Didn't specify New York City. We all know what you meant. Also, I have been

mourning the true loss of all losses. I am bereft. Matt Rogers is leaving New York City for Los Angeles. I can't. This is not about that. It am bereft. Matt Rodgers is leaving New York City for Los Angeles. This is not about that. It is about that. And I haven't lived in New York without Matt Rodgers in it. And I don't know what that's gonna be like.

You'll be busy. I don't have like a vital part of my support system here. It's crazy. I'm gonna follow up. Oh no. Shut up. In your ivory tower? Shut up. I'm so sad. Which. It's crazy. I'm gonna follow him. Oh no! Shut up. In your ivory tower?

Shut up. I'm so sad. Which matters the color of your skin! Wow, are we ready to see some I Don't Think So Honeys tonight? Yes! We're gonna bring people up in groups of five. We're gonna call them up one by one

and they're each gonna do their I Don't Think So Honeys. Each group has a name. Matt, what's this group called? We did name every group and this group is called the did name every group and this group is called the name of what you're going to hear on Oscar morning. It's called Jennifer Lopez Hustlers.

Give it up for Marie Fountain. Give it up for George Severus. Yedoye Travis. Give it up for Peter Smith. And for Alex Smith. And for

Alex English. Alex English. Okay, first up to the microphone, welcome Marie Faustin. It's time for Marie. God damn. God damn. Marie, what is

good? What is very good? Yes. Damn! Marie, what is good? What is very good? Yes! Now, let me ask you this very ultimately very important question. Will you be doing a pre-sled to topic or the troll ball, babe? Okay, when I tell you I am fully unprepared to do anything selected,

I am fully unprepared to do anything. I didn't pick anything, so I guess... You guess it's going to be the ball! But now, but now, what happens if it's something that I don't know? Then you drown in front of this audience. Okay, she can't swim, but look at her pooping. Let's see, let's see, let's see.

Okay. I think you're familiar with this, Marie. Marie, your trouble topic is blue checks or being verified. Oh, I'm verified. Yeah, and your time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Blue checks or being verified. I thought I was going to start getting free stocks.

Okay? I thought I was going to start getting flat tummy tees and Malaysian wigs from India and virgin lashes from Black China shop. Look, I'm not getting nothing, okay? Nothing. Not a waist trainer,

not a granola bar from Nutri-Grain Valley. Nothing. Listen, people aren't even sliding to my DMs because they intimidated by my sexy blue check. 30. I don't by my sexy blue check. 30 seconds. 30. I don't think so.

Blue check, black in my dick, blessings. Trying to get my host and Daniel on, and I feel like, what, like, what are we? Okay, I have nothing else to say. I'm too high for this right now. And that's 54 seconds. 54 seconds. The replay is done. Roasted Blue Chats.

Roasted Blue Chats. Giving it up for her. A standing ovation for Nile Singlish. For her community. And now welcome to the microphone, George Severus. Yes, George. Hello, George.

Hi, George. Hi, my darling. George, what's it gonna be? Preselected or troll bowl? You know what? This is my fourth time doing this. You have done this four times. And it's going to be my first troll bowl.

Oh my God. It's time. Great, it's time. All right, I'm picking it out. Okay. Okay. Okay. So this is a concept.

George, Severus, your I don't think so, honey topic is the concept of inclusivity. And your time starts now. I don't think so, honey. The concept of inclusivity. This is America. Okay? This isn't some Scandinavian faggoty country. This is America. Okay? This isn't some Scandinavian faggoty country.

Bernie, get the fuck out of here. D.S.A. No. We live in a tiered society. 30 seconds. And I'm proud of the fact that I don't have a lot of rights that other people do.

And I think that's a sign of character. And if you don't, you're soft. 15 seconds. So guess what? Inclusivity. Real men. Go off, go off. I've never even considered that concept.

Five seconds. I don't... Bye. Bye. Inclusivity roasted. It's over as of tonight. Found dead in a ditch. This will be the last I Don't Think So Honey. Because of that, I Don't Think So Honey. Because of that, I don't think so honey.

We're done. Just kidding. Welcome to the microphone, Yedoye Travis! Yedoye Travis, everyone! Yedoye. We are pleased. Oh, man.

So, go on. What are you saying? Look, I don't, I got, I got a prepared one. Okay, good. And I like that. Okay. You came prepared to the event, Marie. I came prepared. Something that's been on my chest for a prepared one. Okay, good. And I like that. Okay, prepare to the event, Marie.

Okay, prepared. Something that's been on my chest for a long time. I don't think so. White men who think anime is for you. Who the fuck are you, bro? Like, imagine the audacity, the cop-cacity to think that you own an entire fandom just because you jacked off to Akira in 1988.

Well, fuck you. I jacked off to Sailor Moon in 98. What is the difference? I swear to God, if one more of y'all tells me the age of consent in Japan, I will lose my shit. Everybody knows anime was given to black people and lesbians in exchange, in exchange for streetwear culture and break dancing.

Think about that. 15 seconds. That is theirs now. I'm sorry, I don't think so. White men in general, but those who think anime is for them. And that's one minute, Yodoya and Travis! We're having more rule of culture.

Yodoya, he's given us a new rule of culture. It's rule of culture number 78. Anime culture was given to black people and lesbians. Please put it in the rule book. Absolutely. Put it in. And now, welcome to the microphone, Peter Smith!

A.K.A. Annette Bening! Oh my word, a chameleon! Hi, good to see you. Great to see you for the first time this eve. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm new up here. What will it be? Preselected or I'm gonna do a recently preselected. Okay, recently preselected.

This is Peter Smith's I Don't Think So Honey. Their time starts now. I don't think so honey. Oh, bitch. A long hit of the vape being taken. This vape ban. What are we supposed to do? People have been sticking things in their mouths

to calm down for thousands of millions of years. And we finally got, oh, batteries. That'll be good. Everyone's happy with sucking on a battery. And now we can't do this anymore, but we can't smoke cigarettes. We're not allowed to do that. So we have to just hold these things all the time.

All the time. I can't fuck you or huff you or lick you or light you on fire. I can only just keep my hands tied behind my back whilst everyone else is fine. None of you smoke. Five seconds. I don't think so, honey. Vaping ban. We gotta do something.

We gotta do something. Thank you, Peter Smith. That's an LGBTQ issue as well. A queer issue. Thank you. It's a queer issue. And now, please welcome to close out this group, it's Alex English! Yes, hello, sir.

Hi, sir. Hello. Hello. Hello. It is wonderful to see you. Wonderful to see you, too, as well. Thank you. Okay, now tell us this answer to this question. Pre-selected or trouble? What are we thinking? Pre-selected. I love that. This is Alex English's I Don't Think So, Honey. Can you give him applause? His time starts now.

Alright. I don't think so, honey. Jussie Smollett. Current events. I will say with complete confidence that Jussie Smollett is an embarrassment to gay black liars everywhere. And I say that because I am a gay black boy.

30 seconds. I actually appreciate him. Because we needed representation. Everybody else had representation. White women had Megyn Kelly. Black women have Omarosa. White men have everyone.

So fuck you, but also thank you, Jussie Smollett. Five seconds left. And that's why I'm here! Give it up for Jussie Smollett Roastin! Please give it up for Jennifer Lopez Hustlers, Marie Fustler, Marie Fuston.

George Tavares, DeJoy and Travis, Peter Smith, and Alex English. Wow. Marie, George, DeJoy, and Peter and Alex just killed it.

This fall on Bravo. It's time to turn up. Think you've seen it all? I don't think you've been a good friend to me lately. We're friends like that. Who needs enemies? You ain't seen nothing yet.

Cheers to being Germanic. With the Real Housewives of Potomac. Oh my gosh, can I take this in? It's gonna be amazing. New York City. Everyone is a gossip. No one gets a happier life. Salt Lake City.

We don't wear costumes, we wear fashion. And below deck sailing out. You broke the rules and now you're here getting upset. Watch all new seasons on Bravo or stream it on City TV+. Let i'm julian edelman i'm rob grankowski guess what folks we're teammates again and we're gonna welcome you guys all to dudes on dudes i'm a dude you're a dude and dudes on dudes is our brand new show we're gonna highlight players peers guys that we played against legends from the past and we're just gonna sit here and talk about them and we'll get into the types of dudes what kind of types of dudes are there grunts we got studs wizards

we got freaks or dudes dude we got dogs dog we'll break down their games we'll share some insider stories and determine what kind of dude each of these dudes are. Is Randy Moss a stud or a freak? Is Tom Brady a dog or a dude's dude? We're going to find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, a five-year-old boy floated alone in the ocean. He had lost his mother trying to reach Florida from Cuba. He looked like a little angel. I mean, he looked so fresh. And his name, Elian Gonzalez, will make headlines everywhere. Elian Gonzalez.

Elian. Elian Gonzalez. Elian. Elian. Elian Gonzalez. At the heart of the story is a young boy and the question of who he belongs with. His father in Cuba. Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or his relatives in Miami. Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. At the heart of it all is still this painful family separation.

Something that as a Cuban, I know all too well. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story, as part of the My Cultura podcast network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll. This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had.

We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. We talk about guilt, shame, body image, and huge life transformations. I was a desperate, delusional dreamer, and the desperate part got me in a lot of trouble. I encourage delusional dreamers. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate, delusional dreamer. I just had such an anger. I was just so mad at life. Everything that wasn't right was everybody's fault but mine. I had such a victim mentality. I took zero accountability for anything in my life.

I was the kid that if you asked what happened, I immediately started with everything but me. It took years for me to break that, like years of work. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. Now give it up for this next group. They're called Hot Toast. Give it up for Megan

Stolter! Give it up for Ava Victor! Maria Kahn! Give it up for Yudora Peterson! And for Celestium! Let's go, everybody! Let's go! Oh my god. Here we go, everybody. Let's go. Let's go. Oh, my God.

Here we go, all. Get on those damn chairs. And now, welcome to the microphone, Megan Stalter. Here we go. Megan told me backstage. You let us know it is a pre-selected topic. It's a pre-selected topic. This is Megan Stalter's I Don't Think So Honey.

Her time starts now. I don't think so, honey. I don't think so, honey. My teeth bleeding every time I brush them. What are you doing, honey? Why are you bleeding, honey? Are we having to go to the ICU, sweetheart? Or what?

Did you just get ran over? Honey, don't you think how awkward it is when my teeth do this and I don't even know it? And I know you guys don't believe me, but it really does happen. And how awkward, sweet my honey, to be

going in for a little interview and you don't realize your teeth have been bleeding forever. Or how awkward when I'm making love to my beautiful brother and then all of a sudden he looks up at me and he says, give me that smile little girl.

And then I'm smiling at him and then there's, and he says, give me that smile, little girl. And then I smile at him. And then there's, and he goes, get off, this is awkward now, sweetie. I don't think so, honey. Five seconds. I don't, and look at my ass. Man's father. Megan Stalter! Wow, Megan Stalter. A star, a fucking star.

Oh, my God. Holy fuck. Unreal. Holy fuck. Unreal. Very good. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. A star is born.

That was the shallow of the night. That was the shallow of the night. Ha! Now welcome to the microphone, Ava Vickston! Ava! Ava. Oh my god, the gang. Absolutely, absolutely. Thank god!

What's it gonna be, pre-selected or troll? Oh, for sure pre-selected. For sure, this is Ava Victor's I Don't Think So Honey, our time starts now. I Don't Think So Honey, those of us who underestimate the power and value of Merit Weaver. Make some noise if you know who Merritt Weaver. Make some noise if you know who Merritt Weaver is. Come on. Shut up. Shut up. It's too few of you.

While you guys have been busy, I don't know, scrolling through photos of Timothee Chalamet, I don't know, licking some girl on a canoe, Merritt Weaver is proving time and time again that acting is, say it with me, reacting. While you guys are talking about how fucking stupid Joe Biden is, which he is, Mary Weaver is convincing us again that it's less powerful to be like, fuck you,

and more powerful to be like, fuck you. Yes. 15 seconds. She's the best part of New Girl. Everybody raise your right hand. Repeat after me. I will not underestimate Merritt Weaver. I will not underestimate Merritt Weaver.

I will go home tonight and watch Godless. I will go home tonight and watch Godless. Five seconds. Merritt Weaver has an undeniable queer energy. Merritt Weaver has an undeniable queer energy. I don't think so. You guys still underestimated Merit Weaver. And that's it.

Ava Victor. Unbelievable. I think many more of us know who she is now than before. Many more of us. Thank you, Ava, for that service.

I think at least six more people know about Merit. Six more. And now, welcome to the microphone, Faria Khan. Thank you so much. Hey, guys.

Hello. Welcome back. Thank you so much for having me. You guys look gorgeous, just so you know. Up close. Oh, thank you. You guys look amazing. Okay, Faria, what's it going to be?

Pre-selected or trouble? Okay, what's up? I'll do, I have a pre-selected. Okay. Okay. This is Faria Khan's I Don't Think So Honey. Our time starts now. I Don't Think So Honey, the I pre-selected. Okay. I don't think so, honey. Our time starts now. I don't think so, honey.

The ires of late capitalism. So here's sort of what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that all of our problems, both societally, environmentally, and my personal problems, actually all stem from late capitalism. Okay. So I'll go ahead and attempt to explain that now.

So sort of what's going on is, um... So capitalism does exploit labor, okay? That's a fact. There's people profiting from exploiting us, okay? We already exploited... Okay, holy shit. So... Okay, so what I'm saying

is, if it was not of capitalistic gain to destroy the environment, then we wouldn't do it, but that's why we have to do it. Okay? And then if we didn't have to use our personalities as capitalistic gain as well, then no one would ever feel competitive and I'd feel a lot less anxious. Good point. Five seconds.

Okay, it extends to dating, it extends to your personal life, perhaps even your relationship with your mother. So, let's just think about it in the eyes of late. Capitalism have done us wrong and perhaps we should

think of something else. Thank you so much. And that's why I'm here, Faria Khan! You know what? It's actually rule of culture number 100.

Capitalism has done us wrong and we should think of something else. Thank you, Maria. Thank you for that lesson. And now welcome to the microphone, Eudora Peterson! Oh, looking absolutely runway ready.

Oh, we love to see it. We love to see it. Oh! Oh! Just, just, excellence. Here we go. Now, I would ask this question.

I would ask this. Sure. Troll ball, or preselected? I came in a matching skirt suit. I did the work. This is Eudora P. I don't think so. Her time starts now.

I don't think so, honey. Trying to kill me. You want to try to kill me, honey? I don't think so. I prefer to be alive. Instead of trying to kill me, why don't you drink a glass of water, honey? 30 seconds.

I don't think so. 30 seconds, honey. Trying to give me the time. Trying to kill me is like trying to give me the light when I'm doing my comedy. No, no, no. But let me be clear, let me be clear, let me be clear. Killing me is fine. Stab, stab, I'm dead.

But trying to kill me is mortifying to remove. 15 seconds. Putting poison in my beverage but forgetting which glass you put the poison in Honey, you're disorganized Five seconds Uh-uh Trying to push me off a cliff

But you trip and accidentally fall yourself Congratulations, honey You just killed yourself And that's one minute Yudara P. is in Do not try to kill her Don't kill her you just killed yourself. And that's one minute. You don't have the answer. Do not try to kill her. Don't kill her. That would be uncool.

Don't try. Just do it. Genius. There is no try. Genius. Don't try to kill her. Just do it if you're going to do it. Just do it, for goodness sakes.

And now, welcome to the microphone, the one, the only, Celeste. Celeste! Celeste. She's chewing her gum. Why are you trying to fuck us? Listen. What?

Who do you think looks more like Joel Kim Boosie? You are in Joel Kim drag right now. The fanny across the chest, everything. Wow. Okay, Celeste. What? What would you like to do?

What do you want to do? Oh my God, you are Joel Kim. You're so rude. Rude bitch. What? What would you like to do? Pre-selected or troll bowl? Oh my God.

I don't. Okay, I'm going to do? Pre-selected or troll bowl? Oh my God. I don't. Okay, I'm going to do a pre-selected. I'm going to look at my notes though. Okay, that's fine. It's pretty academic, so. Yeah. Okay. Listen up, everyone.

Listen up. If I miss a word, it's like none of it will work, you know? Yeah. So this is Celestia's academic. I don't think so, honey. Her time starts now. I do not think so, honey. Anyone who falls in love with me.

This isn't a brag. I'm genuinely trying to help. The only things I know for sure about love, one, you need it to survive. Two, it does not last. That means that when it ends, you're supposed to die. Falling in love is murder.

Specifically, if you fall in love with me, I think you're wrong. The two things I'm inconsistent at are texting and being a nice person. My best friends will literally never be outranked by anyone. My parents clearly got divorced at a very formative age. I have a crush on everyone. 15 seconds.

The girl I dated this summer taught me that literally if you're in love with someone, you're allowed to look at their phone at any time for any reason and get mad about anything on it. Five seconds. I don't have a passcode on my phone

because I'm 23 and I don't know anything good. If you fall in love with me, I can't help you. Leave me alone. If you fall in love with me, I can't help you. Leave me alone. Fuck you. Give it up for Mandy Moore, everyone. Don't fall in love with me.

Megan Stalter, Ava Victor, Freya Khan, Eudora Peterson, and Z Celestium. Joakim Booster herself. Wow. Oh my God.

Unbelievable. Hot Toast really was very existential. Very existential. And with a name like Hot Toast. You gotta be. You gotta be. That toast is dead. It was once bread and now it's burnt. That's the life cycle of toast. Once it fell in love. Now welcome to this next group. What are they called?

School for Girls. School for Girls. Welcome to the stage, Dave Mazzoni for Girls. Welcome to the stage Dave Mazzoni. Welcome to the stage Ashley Masula. Gail Panasolo. Rachel P. Graham. And Sarah Dooley. Oh, a good group.

A great group. Hello everyone. Everyone. Dave is feeling maybe even worse than me He should take to the mic right now We saw Christina Aguilera last night Give it up for him The lotus rises The lotus rose

Dave what's going to be preselected or trollable I'm going to do a preselected Okay this is Dave Mazzoni's I Don't Think So Any As Time starts now I don't think so honey My friend's telling me that like I can't get So Any As. Time starts now. I don't think so, honey. My friend's telling me that, like, I can't get Botox right now on my face if I want to. I would like to start to fuck with my face, please.

It is my right. The other day on the train, someone came up to me, and they were like, you look like somebody who maybe could have been on Glee. And I was like, oh, but in this fake scenario, I'm not even positive if I booked it were like, you look like somebody who maybe could have been on Glee. And I was like, oh, but in this fake scenario, I'm not even positive if I booked it or not. I feel like

there was a moment where I was like, you are on Glee and now it's like, maybe you could have. I just feel like if this is Parent Trap, I'm feeling kind of Chessie. And I want to get to my Meredith moment. I want to look of Chessie, you know? And I want to get to my Meredith moment. 15. I want to

look like Cameron Diaz in 2006, you know? And Matt and I are moving to LA tomorrow, so as soon as we get off the plane, the first thing I'm doing is going to Dr. Jacobson. And I'm getting my fucking tits done. Five seconds. I'm going to Aubrey O'Day this face and there's nothing you bitches can do to stop me.

I don't think so, honey. Give it up for Aubrey O'Day, everyone! Dave Aubrey O'Day this face and there's nothing you bitches can do to stop me. I don't think so, honey. Give it up for Aubrey O'Day, everyone. Dave Aubrey O'Day Mazzoni. Future fillers queen, Dave Mazzoni. Get a look at that face. It's the last time you'll see it. And now, welcome to the microphone, Ashley Mazzola. The suit.

The suit. The suit moment. Ashley. CEO of a picnic. CEO of a picnic, honey. All right, so talk to me, Ash. We have a bowl here. It's full of troll.

And we also, I'm sure, have a gorgeous brain full of gorgeous pre-selected topics. What is the tea? I've been thinking about this and seething about it for 11 years. Tonight's the night. Tonight's the night. 11 years in the making. Ashley, Miss Uless, I don't think so, honey. Our time starts now.

I don't think so, honey. Tourists who have the audacity to sit down on the train before I do. Okay, excuse me. I pay federal, state, and local taxes. I think I actually own this subway bench. Yeah, uh, your six-year-old looks super exhausted from an afternoon at the M&M's store.

I understand that. But he's going to have to hold on to the pole from 42nd to 14th Street. Boy, honey. Your 63 bags full of Century 21 clothes look really, really heavy to carry. But you know what's a little heavier to carry? The fact that I've worked two to three jobs at a time for the last seven years to try and make my dreams come true.

50 seconds. 50 seconds. I don't think so, honey. I'm exhausted. I need a seat. Five seconds. Okay, there are exceptions. If you're pregnant, if you're not able-bodied,

if you're older, I'll always get my chair up for you, but I will make sure I look like a fucking murder as I do it! That's what it is! Ashley Masula! Pregnant women, you can sit. The elderly, you can sit. And of course, able-bodied.

Those who are not, you may sit. And now, welcome to the microphone, Hannah Solo! Hannah Solo! Yes, Hannah. Hi, Hannah. Hi. Now, hi.

First of all, hello. Hi, okay, we're here. Now, talk to me about the Trumbull versus preselected question. Do you have an answer to that? I have an answer to it. I left my Invisalign in by accident and we are fucking going with it. So this means preselected?

This is preselected. Preselected. This is Hannah Sellers. I don't think so any of her time starts now. I don't think so, honey. All of my grandparents are dead. Excuse me? Uh, what?

Um, okay, when my grandma died, I was dating someone who worked part-time at Guitar Center. She died being like, damn, I hope Hannah's boyfriend gets some more hours. Okay? She didn't even get to see me get married to someone who shops at guitars and does! 30 seconds!

Yes! Okay, listen, I don't think so, honey. One of my grandpas is actually alive. He just does not speak to my family. He's handsome. Okay, so, you know, I would love to meet him because he sounds like a petty bitch. 15 seconds! I act as if he's dead Okay, so, you know, I would love to meet him because he sounds like a petty bitch.

15 seconds. I act as if he's dead because he acts as if I am dead. Okay, and I think we would get along. Five seconds. Okay, let's just say, ultimately, my grandparents would kill on TikTok. That's all I'm going to do. That's one minute.

Hannah Solo, we're so sorry to hear that. We're so Solo. We're so sorry to hear about your grandparent. We're so sorry. We're so sorry to hear about that. Bless. Wow. A grandparent who kills on TikTok. That's what we need. That's what we need today.

That's the voice we need now. Absolutely. Oh my God. This next person coming to the mic has won our show at Culture Fest. What was it called? Cluster Fest? Cluster Fest, Culture War. No, not Culture War. It was called the Gauntlet Dugag. Gauntlet Dugag, yes.

We don't remember anything about what we've done. She's an Icon Award winner. Please give it up for Rachel P. Graham! Rachel, hi. Thank you. Hi. It is very good to see you here in your element. You know, yes. Yes, you know, yes.

Now talk to me about troll bowl or preselected. What is going on? You know, there's been a lot of thoughts going through my brain. Okay. And it's been, is it preselect? Is it troll? Do I throw it all away? Do I troll?

And I'm going to go with a preselect. There we go. Ultimately preselect. This is go. Ultimately pre-select. This is Rachel Pegram's I Don't Think So Honey or Time Starts Now. I don't think so, honey. One way streets?

I can't go both ways down the street? What is this, 1804? We have the technology to make streets go two ways. Why are you wasting our time with just one direction? This is not horse and buggy town.

We got cars, bikes, people, dogs, other animals. 30 seconds. Insects. We need to be able to travel both ways down the street. I think that one-way streets are in remedial classes. One-way streets are stupid as fuck, and I'm sorry if you were in a remedial class. Ten seconds. But you're a fucking one-way ass street.

Only go in one direction and that direction ain't up. Oh, five seconds. Five. Yeah, one way streets can eat my clit. And that's one minute. Wow, Rachel Kudrow with the rule of culture. It's rule of culture number 20. One way streets can eat my clit. Give it up for Sarah Dooley.

Yeah, yeah. Ooh, a little number. A little number even. Give it up for Sarah Dooley! Yeah! Ooh, a little number. A little number, even. Nice socks. Yes! Magic socks. We love, we love. Socks match.

Sarah, what's it gonna be? Pre-selected or troll bowl? I'm gonna have to go a little P.S. A little P.S.? P.S. is pre-selected. P.S. I love you, yeah. Okay, this is Sarah Dooley's I don't think...

Ooh! Oh, controversial. Pre-selected, I don't think so. Sarah Dooley's pre-select. P.S. I love you. A little controversial. Oh, controversial. Pre-select, I don't think so. Sarah Dooley's time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Maya in Lady Marmalade from the Marmalade soundtrack. Because let me get this straight, honey. We've got Christina Aguilera,

obvious choice. She's like... Oh, she makes it dirty as she's want to do. Then next, of course, we have pink powerhouse vocalist. She's like, Lady, I'm alive. Raise your motherfucking glass, bitch.

Okay, and then next, of course, we have Lil' Kim who does stay in her lane, but she still fucking brings it. She's like, glass, bitch. Okay. And then next, of course, we have Lil' Kim who does stay in her lane, but she still fucking brings it. She's like, eh, eh. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. 15 seconds. Then we get to Maya.

Okay. The producer's like, this is the finale of the song, Maya. Give it all you got. She's like, uh, uh, yeah. I it all you got. She's like, uh-uh. I don't think it's funny. Five seconds.

Because it's like, Mariah Carey could have done that. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, Alicia Keys would have done better. And that's really saying something. That's what I'm saying. I think that that was the worst thing that happened in 2001. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my God. I don't no, no, no, no.

I don't know the truth. Sarah Dooley. Sarah Dooley. The School for Girls is now dismissed. Thank you, School for Girls. Dave Mazzoni. Ashley Mazzola. Hannah Stolo.

Rachel P. Graham. And Sarah Dooley. Oh, my God. Making us not forget. Not forget. Let's get a couple more groups in for this first round. This next group is called Dam Bird. Welcome to the stage, Joe Firestone.

Please welcome to the stage, Dylan Barrett. Dylan Barrett. And welcome to the stage, Dathman Pierce. Please welcome to the stage, Chloe Fineman. Chloe Fineman. No, she's not here. She's not here. And welcome to the stage, Chloe Fineman Chloe Fineman? No, she's not here She's not here And welcome to the stage, Chrissy Shackleford

Chrissy! Wow Chloe, you couldn't be here I think she's in Los Angeles, California She's in Los Angeles, I think Well, you know, I respect that I respect that a lot, we love Chloe We give her the best to wherever she is

And now, please welcome to the microphone, Joe Firestone! Joe. Joe, what's it going to be, pre-selected or trollable? I love this environment so much. Yes. And I just wanted to say that I did pre-select it. Okay. That's good.

That's good that you said that, because we had the question about it. Yes, this is Joan Firestone's I don't think so honey her time starts now. Okay. I don't think so honey somersaults All right, they hurt your neck and they don't look cute real gymnasts use beams Uh-huh. Okay. If you're still doing somersaults, you need to grow up and start doing cartwheels. Mm-hmm. Somersault, summer's over. 30 seconds.

All right? Somersault is the ugliest roll there is. You know what's the cuter roll? Philadelphia roll, and that's the sushi with cream cheese. 15 seconds, Joe. If you see someone doing a somersault, I want you to pick them up and throw them through a basketball hoop,

because that's what they're trying to be, a little basketball. Five seconds. Yeah, don't do it, okay? And that's one minute for Joe Dyer's song. We've got our rule of culture number 55. Summer's over. Summer's over.

Don't do it, okay. Don't do it, okay. And now welcome to the microphone, our good friend. Can you welcome Dylan Maron! Dylan Maron. Dylan Maron. Hello, stud. Hello, my beautiful girls.

Hi, stud. It's so beautiful to see you. So, thank you. Do you like my straight drag? Yeah! Yeah, that's what I was thinking. You look so straight. Thank you.

I am now. Yeah, that's what I was thinking when I saw you. Is it going to be preselected or trollable? I don't want to brag, but it's going to be preselected. Okay. And I'm going to be, everyone cheer when I say this,

reading from my phone. Okay, it's the reader starring Kate Winslet, Dylan Maron. Dylan Maron's I Don't Think So when his time starts now. I Don't Think So and his time starts now. I Don't Think So, Honey, 4,000 word essays about how

Pete Buttigieg is not gay enough to be president. Honey, you are so deep in the echo chamber that the reverberations have made you lose your goddamn mind. Just because you possess the cognitive ability to form complex sentences doesn't mean you have anything complex to say.

Policing someone on how they practice their faggotry, honey, you are just a remix version of the I'm not like the other girls girls. If my gay president isn't into leather and bondage, that's okay. Keeping kids out of cages and making healthcare accessible is good enough for me. Yeah! That's okay, keeping kids out of cages and making healthcare accessible is good enough for me. Honey, I just want to be clear, I support your radical politics. Run for office and I will knock on doors for you. Criticism is not a crime, but please do not turn your draft of a tweet into a dissertation.

That is a crime. I don't think so, honey. 4,000 word essays about how Pete Buttigieg isn't gay enough to be your president. Warren 2020. Yeah! In that one minute! Sayonara! Warren 2020.

It's actually rule of culture number three. Warren 2020. Yeah, welcome to the microphone, Jasmine Pierce! Jasmine Pierce! Hello! Hello! Jasmine, tell us, Busta Rhymes featuring Janet Jackson, what's it gonna be? I think it's gonna be a very scandalous pre-select.

Oh! This is Jasmine Pierce's I Don't Think So when her time starts now. I don't think so, honey. People that ask me how I survive without coffee. I know, thank you. Thank you three people in here that also don't drink coffee. This is like a crackhead asking me how I survive without crack.

I don't wanna hear it anymore, okay? How do I wake up in the morning? I wake up with the twinkling of dawn. I fuck whoever is in my bed and I move on with my day. I don't want to hear it anymore. Do you know how you wake up in the morning? All the rest of you like this. 30 seconds. I swear, if some of you woke up without a coffee machine in your house, you'd kill your kids that morning.

I'm fine. I don't need to drink beam diarrhea. 15 seconds. Oh, shit. I know it comes out as diarrhea, but it starts as diarrhea, too. I don't want to hear it anymore. It doesn't smell good. Someone got murdered outside of my Starbucks recently. Five seconds. That's why.

Rolled up in a carpet, rolled up in plastic, extremely murdered. They were trying to get a cup of coffee in the morning, so that's all. You don't need that. You don't need that to survive. How do I survive without coffee? I don't get murdered. On the corner. I don't have my body left for all the world to see.

Harlem doesn't need any more of that Okay How much more does it need I honestly just wanted to hear more I just needed to know Jackson Pierce everybody Honestly it's true I don't need coffee but I drink it everyday

And it fucks me up And it's a sick disease and we all have it We all have it. And now welcome to the microphone, Chrissy Chappell-Byrd! Come on, Chrissy! Wow. Thank you.

I love to be introduced after an Instagram celebrity does not show up. I love to be that consolation prize. Oh no, stop it. Chrissy, you're the star. Chrissy, what's it gonna be? We have two options here, right Bowen? Yes, pre-selected, stop it. Chrissy, you're the star. Chrissy, what's it going to be? We have two options here, right Bowen? Yes, pre-selected or trollable, Chrissy.

I'm very nervous, but I'm going to troll. Yeah! Okay, Chrissy. She famously did one of the best trollables to Julie Andrews, but tonight, Chrissy, you will not be trollballing a person. Rather,

a concept. Okay. Is it air? It's not. It is, however, unionization. And your time starts now. I don't think so, honey.

Unionization. I don't have an agent right now. Okay, I have to do say I do love me union. It gives me the health insurance. But I can't get any work

because I don't have my agent because my union told me to fire them, which I did! In an email! And you know how they wanted me to fire them? in a form letter that they wrote and I said no honey you don't need to write that

for me I'll write my own dang agent a dang firing letter I don't think so honey unionization what the fuck is labor day am I supposed to swim In the unionization, what the fuck is Labor Day? 52. Am I supposed to swim? Am I supposed to barbecue because of workers' rights?

I think we fucked Labor Day a little bit. I don't think so. In the unionization. And that's what happened! Wow, all unions canceled. All unions canceled. I don't think so. And the union is here. And that's what's up. Wow. All unions cancel. And all unions cancel. Danford, give it up for Joe Firestone.

Dylan Marriott. Jasmine Pierce. And Chrissy Shackleford. We've got one more group in this first half. Stick around. This is all the drag queens and the straight men. Are you ready? Please give it up for Chelsea Pierce. It's called the Liberation World Tour.

The Liberation World Tour. I'm so sorry. Give it up for Chelsea Pierce. It's called the Liberation World Tour. The Liberation World Tour. I'm so sorry. Give it up for Chelsea Pierce. Chelsea Pierce. You know her. You love her. Give it up for Joe Rubrell. Give it up for Micah Brucie. For Diego Lopez. And give it up for Britta Felder.

Britta Felder. Wow. And first up to the microphone is You know where you love her. She entertained you earlier tonight. Chelsea Beers. Chelsea. Absolutely. Chelsea.

What are you thinking? Are we doing a pre-select? Are we doing a trouble? What's the tea? This is pre-selected. It's been in my soul for a long time and I need to get it off my chest. Here we go.

Chelsea Pierce says, I don't think so, honey. Our time starts now. I don't think so, honey. DJs in clothing stores. Come on. Come on. This is an H&M, not a circuit party, okay?

I came here to get a clearance tank top, not take Molly and make out with someone who I'm going to ignore in Hell's Kitchen for the rest of my life. I already get funny enough looks from women while I'm shopping in the bra department, and I would tell them that gender is a construct, Linda, but I can't hear my own thoughts over the goddamn music.

30 seconds! Turn down Post Malone and let me shop. It's actually rule of culture number 43. Say it with me. Turn down Post Malone and let me shop It's actually rule of culture number 43 Say it with me Turn down Post Malone and let me shop Don't think for a moment That I won't take this fucking wig off And put on a Kate Gosselin pixie cut soccer mask

For 15 seconds And ask to speak to the fucking manager In the world of Matthew Rogers himself I don't think so Hawny And that's why In the world of Matthew Rogers himself, I don't think so, horny. And that's why we have something to trust in here, everyone. Unbelievable.

Let's see what these straight men have to say. Give it up for Joe Rogers. I'm Joe, sweetheart. What a sweetie. My sweetheart. Hi. Hi. Oh, my God. Wow. a sweetie. Hi. Hi. Oh, my God. Wow, so here you are on stage.

I don't think so. And you're confronted with a question. That question, troll bowl or pre-selected topic? Oh, my goodness. You know I love reaching into bowls and picking out a bunch of things, but... Oh! I'm going to reach into my pocket because I jotted down something I'm gonna do a pre-slide

you tricky boy I'm so sorry Joe Rubberles I don't think so honey his time starts now I don't think so honey Rube Goldberg machines I mean have you seen these things Rube I love ya I mean, have you seen these things?

Rube, I love ya. Rube, I love ya. But why's everything gotta be a damn contraption with you? I mean, have you seen these things? Honey, get to the fucking point. 30 seconds. Yeah, I want the marble to go into the cup, but I'm not trying to sit through an entire set of an OK Go music video.

15 seconds. Oh, all I have to do is wait for a candle's flame to burn through a taut wire? Bitch, I have places to be. Five seconds. With this, you could be curing diseases. You could be, you know, fixing climate change. No, but you're rigging pulley systems for a boxing glove to punch a chicken so that it lays an egg.

And that egg travels down a hamster tube. It hits a boot with a nail on the toe. And it pops a balloon. And then that spells out a message in glitter. Hey, you know what that message better spell? You've wasted your life. And that's why I'm in a terrible room. Take that, Rube.

Rube, I love you, bud. But come on. Oh, my God. Can you give it up, please, for Mike Abruzzi? Mike! Long Island Doll and my sister. Hello. Listen, hi.

Hi. Hi. What's going to be preselected or troll pulled? Oh, I have zero improvisational comedy training, so we will be going very written. And this is very written. This is my conversation. I don't think so.

I mean, time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Hot guys reading books on the train. Hot guys reading books on the train. Do you think you're better than me twice? You can be hotter than me or smarter than me, but if you're both, it hurts my feelings. And I'm not saying that I'm not hot. I'm just hot to a very specific type of person,

which is women that are attracted to Tony Soprano and men that are attracted to Tony Soprano. It's 2019. Paper is a finite resource. 15 seconds. We're doing audiobooks now, and audiobooks are just podcasts without commercials, so they fucking suck!

Five seconds. If I don't know what kind of mattress my favorite podcaster sleeps on, I want to fucking kill myself! If you need to buy a paper book, do like the rest of us with civility do. Buy a book, put it in your New Yorker or Outdoor Voices tote bag, and let it fucking rot until you buy a new book

and put the old one on a pile of shit you'll never read! Thank you, Mike! Mike of Rozzi! Mike Abruzzi! Mike Abruzzi with the take down, and we just want to say thank you to Helix Sleep. Fill out a short sleep quiz with Helix Sleep and get the perfect sleep for you.

Brush your teeth with Quip Toothbrush. The built-in 30-second vibration. Yeah, the guiding sensitive pulses. Now welcome to the microphone, Diego Lopez. Diego! Oh boy. Hello boys. I love it. Hi.

What's up? How are you? What's up is here you are, and here we are asking you, do you want to do preselected topic or the troll bowl? I'm a pre-boy, you know I'm ready to go. He's a pre-boy. I'm ready to go now. Yes.

Okay, Diego Lopez's I Don't Think So When He Has Time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Guys, I tried to ruin how cool squirting is by telling me that it's pee. That's still cool. I don't know what to tell you. Grow up. Oh, it's gross. You know what happens when men cum? Cum.

That's much harder to rinse off. Grow up. Why are you being queasy about sex? It's insane. I made a woman pee with my mouth? What am I, fucking David Blaine? Are you kidding me? I don't care what it is.

I care why it is, okay? Someone's enjoying my company and that feels nice. It's like, hey, you won the lottery. Great. It's a Canadian lottery. Still great. I'll take whatever it is. You fucking coward. Put a napkin into your shirt

and eat up, motherfucker. And that is one minute Diego Lopez with a call to action. Eat pussy. We love it. Speaking of pussy, everyone give it up for Peretta Felt. Yes, bitch.

What's up, bitch? Come on, speaking of pussy. All right, let me ask you this question. Yeah, girl. Which has to do with, I don't think so, honey. It's pre-selected or trouble. What do we feel? What do we think?

Oh, girl, I got a topic, girl. Oh, she's got a topic. I got a topic. I've been sitting on this topic for a while. Here we go. That's right. Listen, I don't think so, honey. When someone's Instagram story is the size of a fucking grain of salt.

Bitch, I cannot sit. How obsessed are you with your motherfucking self that is the size of a grain of salt? Your ass in the shower, your ass going to the train. Especially when a bitch is a fucking drag queen and she's posting every fucking angle of herself doing the same number she does every single day. Bitch, you ain't Christina Aguilera.

You can't be posting this shit. 30 seconds. Listen, I understand, I understand if you're having a momentous occasion, like a wedding, or you have a cute little toddler, niece, that you wanna show off to the world. Very cute, very cute. But bitch, if I see that

number one more fucking time from every single motherfucking angle, I'ma come for you, and I'ma cut your wig up, bitch. Ten seconds. I don't think so, honey. There we go. And that's one minute for the filter.

Give it up for the Liberation World Tour. Chelsea Pierce. Joe Rumroll. Micah Bruce. Diego Lopez. And Britta Filter. Stay up here. And Miss Britta Filter will remain on stage because fucking you are in for a treat, everyone, right now.

This is one of the best drag queens in this fucking country. Her name is Britta Filter. And we're going to take a 15 15 minute intermission right after her performance. Britta, here we go. Take it away, bitch. Yes, this is my favorite overdone number. Make sure you put it on Instagram. And I'll redo, I'll repost it 7,000 fucking times.

Yeah! Give it up for Britta, y'all. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh This will be an everlasting love This will be the one I've waited for This will be the first time anyone has loved me Hello, my name is Debbie. This is my first attempt at an eHarmony video. This is my first time at online dating.

So I'm nervous but I'm excited at the same time. So I'm just going to start talking about what I like and hope I get some replies. I'm so glad that I'm in town And I'm so glad that you've been to ride my mind This will be an everlasting love for me Yeah, whoa So I am a recent MBA grad. I love cats. I just, sorry I'm getting emotional I really love cats.

And I just want to hug all of them, but I can't because that's crazy. I can't hug every cat. But I just want to, I want to. I want to. I'm sorry, I just, I get, anytime I hear cat, I just, I love Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy I wanna see your pussy, everybody says it's nice Can I come and visit, I'll be at your house tonight

They tell me it's soft to touch and really smooth I can hardly wait to feel that pussy too you want to play with pussy all the time you say your pussy's clever and so slick but i think that your pussy's kind of sick. So anyway, I am a cat lover. And I love to run. I'm sorry, I'm thinking about cats again. I just, I think about how many don't have a home and how I should have them and how cute they are and their ears and the whiskers and the nose. Show it to me Let it be a foray Show it to me

Show me your ass Show it to me I wanna fetch your foray Show it to me I love every kind of cat I just love them and I want them and I want them in a basket

and I want little bow ties A train basket and one little bow tie. So if you touch me, I'll be smiling more happily than soon. And you'll be there all the time. I want them to be on a rainbow and just in my bed and I just want a house full of them and I just want to still roll around

I can't I just, I can't. I can't. This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram, at Forever Dog Team, and liking our page on Facebook. I'm Julian Edelman.

I'm Rob Gronkowski. And we are super excited to tell you about our new show, Dudes on Dudes. We're spilling all the behind-the-scenes stories, crazy details, and honestly, just having a blast talking football. Every week, we're discussing our favorite players of all times, from legends to our buddies to current stars. We're finally answering the age-old question, what kind of dudes are these dudes? We're going to find out, Jules.

New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll. This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13

to being one of today's biggest artists. I was a desperate delusional dreamer. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate delusional dreamer. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez was found off the coast of Florida. And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba? Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or stay with his relatives in Miami?

Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Cheryl Swoops. And I'm Tarika Foster-Brasby. And on our new podcast, we're talking about the real obstacles

women face day to day. Because no matter who you are, there are levels to what we experience as women. And T and I have no problem going there. Listen to Levels to This with Cheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster-Brasby, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.