Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - "I Don't Think So, Honey! 3" LIVE (Part One)
Episode Date: December 20, 2017The 3rd installment of "I Don't Think So, Honey!" Live is here! 50 comedians take one minute each to go off on culture. Part One featuring Peggy O'Leary, Mary Beth Barone, George Civeris, Marie Fausti...n, Sydnee Washington, Anna Roisman, Jon Braylock, Molly Gaebe, Sam Reece, Kelsey Bailey, Lulu Krause, Ben Kling, Taryn Engelhardt, Jen Keefe, Dewayne Perkins, Gaby Hornig, Emily Olcott, Gaya Rajagopolan, Ali Gordon, Josh Daniel, Ryan Haney, Yoni Lotan, Brendan Scannell, Joel Kim Booster, and two-time Icon Award recipient, Pat Regan. With Peter Smith as Annette Bening.Recorded Live 11/18/17at The Bell House for the Brooklyn Podcast Festival.Sound Engineering and Mixing by William SmithCONNECT W/ LAS CULTURISTAS ON FACEBOOK & TWITTER for the best in "I Don't Think So, Honey" action, updates on live shows, conversations with the Las Culturistas community, and behind-the scenes photos/videos:www.facebook.com/lasculturistas/twitter.com/lasculturistasLAS CULTURISTAS IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASTforeverdogpodcasts.com/las-culturistas Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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This fall on Bravo.
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Look, man.
Oh, I see.
Wow.
Bowen, look over there.
Wow.
Is that culture?
Yes.
Wow.
Las Culturistas.
Ding dong, Las Culturistas calling. Hello.
Hi.
Can you believe the fog?
We came out of the abyss.
Hey. Hi, guys. We have a shirt. Can you believe the fog? It came out of the abyss. Hey!
Hi, guys.
We have a shirt.
Okay, you guys,
give it up for our straight male producers
for thinking of the fog machine.
Yes.
Throwing out the production value.
They understand us fundamentally as...
Wait, hold on.
Model this shirt.
We have someone who's rocking the
I don't think so honey lost culture is this tee. God have someone who's rocking the I Don't Think So Honey Lost Culture East
this tee. God bless.
Are they on sale? Are we selling them?
I think we're selling them today through Square.
Get your own for how much?
Okay.
We did not set that price.
Anyway, no, they're super cheap.
Guys, thank you so much
for coming.
Thanks for coming. this is so exciting
this is part of the Brooklyn Podcast Festival
you gotta
podcasts who knew
they happen in Brooklyn
I have a crush on another podcast
yeah you were telling me about this
I developed a crush today
on Pod Save America voice
he's so late to this
you're so late to this
literally before we did this podcast,
I never listen to any podcasts.
But so today I was like,
I actually fell into a wormhole.
I fell into like one of those
like Harvey Weinstein wormholes
where I just, I honestly was watching
a lot of Ronan Farrow vids.
Yeah.
And I have developed a crush on Ronan Farrow.
What a lovely little elf. This is tickling me. And I have developed a crush on Ronan Farrow What a lovely little elf
This is tickling me
And I love him
And so I told Bowen I love him
And then this vlog is
Hi
Hello
This is insane
I kind of love
I feel like I'm like
On the Jungle Cruise at Walt Disney World
So Ronan Anyway so Ronan on the Jungle Cruise at Walt Disney World.
So Ronan. Anyway, so Ronan.
I love Ronan,
and so I approached Bone with that information.
And I said, yeah, you better rock the hat.
Yeah, and what about you?
And then what did you say to me?
So I said, I think I love Ronan Farrow.
I think I will marry him.
I was like, his long-term BF
is one of the hosts of Posse of America,
John Lovett.
And I said, that won't do at all.
And then I thought, I didn't know
that Ronan Farrow was gay.
Yeah.
But I don't think he's out, though.
Okay, so is he one of those gays,
one of the journalist gays,
that's like Anderson Cooper, that's like,
I can't be the story, so I can't, you know, come out.
I have to have, like, integrity.
What is this impression? Who are you?
It actually
is kind of like a Ryan Murphy thing.
Yeah. Journalist
Ryan Murphy.
We're gonna cast Sarah Jessica Parker as
a giraffe and
something.
So you love, love it and Ronan.
I love them both. Now it's
I'm fully in love with a couple.
And also the other Pod Save America guys
are fucking hot too. Favreau.
Favreau. The other John.
No, who's the hot, the V2?
Tommy Vito. Tommy Vito.
Oh, shit.
So guys. The three of them.
I mean, welcome Matt to the Pod Save America train.
Hasn't been a thing for a long time.
There was another iteration of it called Keeping It 1600.
Well, they should have kept it.
That's their first mistake.
They were on a different network,
and then they developed their own called Crooked Media.
It's rule of culture number four.
You gotta keep the same name.
Who here listens to the podcast?
By the way.
Thank you. This is so exciting.
We're doing another iteration of our
classic 50
comedian I Don't Think So Honey show.
Now, we've just come off of a very tumultuous
acrimonious time.
For you, it was tumultuous.
For me, it was fucking great
because I actually won culture
so applause for me
so what we did was we pitted 10
of our own comedian teams
against each other in their own I don't think so
honeys
I was roundly
ridiculed
even
with my narrative that I pushed,
which was, I am an immigrant.
I've come so far.
America didn't respond to that.
No, I think America will always respond to talent.
Yeah.
America will always respond to talent.
That's rule of culture number 64.
America will always respond to talent. That's rule of culture number 64. America will always respond to talent.
Kelly Clarkson.
But you know, I conceded.
I wore purple.
Taylor Hicks.
You wore purple?
No, I'm kidding.
I'm making a Hillary joke.
Oh, okay.
So you guys...
I famously wore purple.
We're just going to talk about a few pertinent pop culture-y things up top.
Why not?
Why not?
I love this year's Oscar race already.
It's so fun.
It's the year of the steadfast mother.
Huge year for moms.
You've got fucking, what's her face?
Frances.
Oh, yes.
Frances McDormand.
Three billboards. The three billboards. In Ebbing, outside Ebbing, Missouri. Frances. Oh, yes. Frances McDormand. Three billboards.
The three billboards.
In Ebbing,
outside Ebbing, Missouri.
Yes, yes, yes.
Also, Lady Bird Mom.
Lady Bird Mom.
Laurie Metcalf.
Laurie Metcalf.
Queen Laurie Metcalf.
You've got Alice and Janie.
The children have forgotten.
Alice and Janie,
another steadfast mom
with a parrot on her shoulder.
What is the,
what is her character's name?
LaVonna?
LaVonna.
Right?
And it's a gag
because the whole, like for a large portion of the movie,
she's in an oxygen mask with a parrot on her shoulder.
And she's chain smoking.
And she's for real.
That's really Tonya Harding's mom.
Had a parrot on the shoulder, oxygen mask, and a cigarette.
Yeah.
Can't make that up.
That's a bad bitch.
A steadfast mother.
Guys, Hollywood, huge, huge, huge Hollywood moment. Moms are having a hugefast mother. Guys, Hollywood, huge, huge, huge
Hollywood moment. Moms are having a huge
Hollywood moment. It's all about moms this year.
Syntactically, that made no sense.
Well, I don't know.
I never get to really see
the films because they cost
money. But if there was one
film I had to see, what would it be?
Lady Bird? Lady Bird is great.
Lady Bird's so good.
And, you know,
like, I guess there's, like,
not a single person of color
in Sacramento, but, um,
like, it's a great
movie. It's a great fucking movie.
Even, like, you know, like,
I like Greta. I like Greta just fine.
I don't remember a single fucking thing
from Mistress America at all. It was black and white. No like Greta just fine. I don't remember a single fucking thing from Mistress America at all.
It was black and white. No, that
was Frances Ha.
Fucking no.
I've seen 0.00 of her movies.
But can't wait for this one.
It's so good. It's so good. I cried twice.
You cried two times? I cried two times and they
both times had to do with Laurie.
Oh. Madcap. Laurie Madcap. Oh my god.
She'll win an Oscar maybe. The car scene.
The drive,
the car scene.
We know.
They know.
Well,
now it's a spoiler.
No,
it comes out of nowhere.
There's a car scene
that's gonna make you cry.
This guy's devastated.
Don't worry.
Hands in the air,
mouth open,
devastation.
One time at a show,
I spoiled the ending
of Up in the Air.
Oh,
out of, this was crazy.
It was at an improv show.
In college, he just ran out in his improv scene
and fucking spoiled Up in the Air.
And the whole, yeah, what did you say?
Spoiler alert for Up in the Air.
Vera Farmiga has a family at the end.
She's married, yeah.
Also, it's rule of culture number 50.
Vera Farmiga. She's not casting it. That's all's rule of culture number 50. Vera Farmiga.
She's not cast now.
That's all.
Oh my God.
What else?
Yeah, you fucking ruined that movie.
Wait.
We're about to ruin something else for everybody in the room.
And he's so classic.
Okay, so we got into a real fucking fight.
We both cried on the phone
because I ruined the song that they were
lip syncing to in the RuPaul's
Drag Race season 9 finale.
We cried
on the phone fighting. Because
you... Stop.
You... Also, I have
this. You
literally spoiled that
so emotional.
No, I didn't. I didn't even spoil
the good one. I spoiled,
bitch, the other song,
which was... It's not right, but it's okay.
Yes, I almost said, nobody's supposed to
be here, which was not right.
So anyway...
What? What?
He lied.
That's Joel. Is that Joel Kim Booster being a bitch?
I did not lie.
We have to break something to everybody.
We have to break something to everybody.
This is breaking culture news.
Joel told us this too.
Lost Culture East can now exclusively report
that
Hailee
Steinfeld
voted for Trump.
It's true.
I don't think so, honey.
Hailee Steinfeld
talking openly
on the set of
Pitch Perfect 3
about how she voted for Trump.
Isn't that...
Yeah.
And you know why?
You know why?
One word.
Calabasas.
She's a fucking
California fucking Republican.
But I will say this.
You know what song I fully get my life to still?
No, you can't anymore.
No.
Separate the...
I love myself when I don't need anybody else.
Separate yourself from the artist.
No, but also, why wouldn't she come out and say that song was about masturbation?
Because she's a fucking idiot.
Yeah, she's dumb.
Because she voted for Trump.
Look, Trump's masturbate too.
That's actually rule of culture number 46.
Trumps masturbate too.
Just for everybody,
everybody for clarity,
when Matt is saying plural Trumps,
he means Trump voters.
Trumps.
It's his shorthand that's very confusing.
I was just in Wisconsin
and I came face to face with a Trump.
But he was nice! It was so
crazy! So some Trumps are
actually really nice. They can intersect
at the same... So, okay.
Let's get into this. Let's get into politics.
This pod,
Save America. Yeah, okay, what's up?
What's up?
A lot of Trumps also hate Paul
Ryan.
I'm not that far, you guys.
Some of this is news to me.
Because Trump is doing his whole dick measuring thing with Paul and with Mitch.
Yeah, well, you know.
Those guys.
Well, anyway, that surprised me.
So, yeah, lots going on in the world.
Thrilling for you guys?
This is good for you?
Okay, I will continue to do this.
I don't think so, Honey Live.
That means if I don't like what I see,
you'll get sprayed.
No, you guys.
We are living in this new age of... I did not think about this this way.
Consent.
Different.
If the audience consents
to being sprayed with a fucking water gun,
like...
He's got his mouth open.
He wants to catch it in his mouth.
Stop, stop, stop.
Okay, make some noise
if you're okay with being
sprayed with water.
Yes!
Okay, now make some noise.
Splash Mountain in the bitch.
Make some noise if you're not okay
with being sprayed with water.
Woo!
But you know what? That means're going to get it real bad.
All right, so listen, guys.
I don't think so, honey, live.
Let's explain what the hell is happening.
So 50 comics are about to get up here on the stage.
50 fucking amazing comics.
This is going to be so cool.
They're all going to take one minute to rail against culture.
I don't think so, honey, is a part of our podcast we love.
It's where you find that thing that's pissing you off
in the pop culture lexicon,
and you just go for it.
Yes.
Wow.
That was eloquent.
It was eloquent.
And we're going to bring up 50 people in groups of five.
They're going to bring up 50 people in groups of five. Yes. They're going to be amazing.
We're going to be awarding our famous Las Culturistas icon award to a very special recipient.
You will all be very, very pleased to know who it is.
Yeah, we're going to have that person come to the stage.
But before we get going with the show, we just want to talk to our old friend.
She's been on the show every time we've done this live just to catch up with us. We can't believe she's here.
She's so generous with her time. It's insane that
whenever we have this show, she just ends up
being in town. She's in town and she's
bi-coastal and God bless her.
Yeah. Please welcome
Oscar nominated actress.
Unbelievable. What do you know her from, Matt?
Oh.
The kids are alright.
The kids are alright.
I'm not going to say what I was about to say.
No, I have to say it now.
So.
What?
Today on the, the other day on the porns.
Oh no.
There was this scene from The Kids Are All Right when Mark Ruffalo and Julianne Moore
are doing it.
And I think so, honey, Mark Ruffalo.
I think we're going to talk about how when Annette Bening
and Julianne Moore watched gay porn together.
I love that scene.
Ruffalo, baby.
Okay, all right.
But guys, she's a Hollywood legend.
Please welcome to the stage, Annette Bening!
Annette, you look amazing.
Oh, no, I'm just wrapped.
You're just wrapped.
I'm just wrapped.
What's this you have on?
Well, this is radio, right?
So I don't really have to get gussied up,
which is great.
Right, right, right.
You know, it's audio.
There's people, but, you know,
no cameras, right?
No, there's no cameras.
Annette, are you...
You're not averse to cameras, are you?
I mean, this is part of the business
for you, being photographed, being seen
being on display
absolutely, you have to get comfortable
because a camera, right
is that, it's a mirror
yes, in a way
so if you're not comfortable with
what's in the mirror
good luck, right?
Hollywood.
Right, Hollywood.
What are you in town for, Annette?
Oh.
It's kind of funny.
This is a sweater, right?
Yeah, uh-huh.
Is that a sweater?
I thought it was a skirt.
It's a J. Crew sweater.
Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
And we have someone who does the wash, right?
So they put this in and they shouldn't have.
So it's kind of balled up.
But I use those kind of ruined cashmere scarves.
So I'm here replacing this ruined sweater.
Because there's a week, right, with J.Crew.
There's a week we do a sale.
And if you can get in there right before Thanksgiving,
I mean, it's really kind of amazing.
They do their sale before Thanksgiving.
Oh, yeah, it's sort of secret.
You know, there's some buyers I know,
and they tell you just for discounted prices.
So you know people just incorporate at J.Crew,
like buyers who are buying.
I've had an amazing career.
Yeah, you've had an amazing career.
You really have. So, you know, I don't want to have you out here. I've had an amazing career. Yeah, you've had an amazing career.
I don't want to have you out here. This is so amazing and rare
that we get you.
It's special.
You mentioned your career. You've been
in this business a long time.
Bowen mentioned,
we alluded to before, things that have been going
on. I just wondered
if we could get some reaction from you,
obviously a respected
veteran of the
Hollywood film industry. Just some
reaction from you on what's going on and what we
can do in the future.
It's a better industry.
For the future, a plan for that.
Well,
so many
this year, stories from women
yes
female driven stories
who's in charge
men
well yeah right
so that should change
that's actually
a diplomatic answer that's a really good answer
wow
oh that's sweet to clap.
I believe you've worked
with Harvey before.
I have.
I think you've done some Miramax
pictures. A lot of people have worked
with Harvey, for sure.
What was your experience working for him?
You know, he is the
money man, and I'm an
artist, so I try to keep my distance from,
you know, the money.
I just...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I do the work.
Yes.
You know, because I show up on time.
I do...
Yes, it should be about the work.
Right.
It always should be about the work.
And then when, you know,
you have terrible, really bad stuff happening.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Right.
Talk about the stuff.
Talk about...
Elaborate on the stuff.
Hollywood.
I mean, there's a definite...
Have you been to Los Angeles in the last maybe two months?
32 months?
No, two.
Two months.
Oh, in the last...
Two.
Two months.
No, we haven't.
No.
No, I can't say that we haven't.
There's a definite kind of palpable thing in the air.
Yeah.
Something's different.
It's kind of thick, sort of, you know,
people are kind of tenuous to, you know, tiptoe.
Wow.
Everyone's tiptoeing everywhere.
You go down...
You go down Santa Monica Boulevard
and everyone's just tiptoeing.
Yeah.
I understand what you're saying.
Yeah, and the drought, so no one's driving.
Right, and the drought, so no one's driving.
Right.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
Okay, well, Annette, thank you so much for...
You're holding the mic up as you...
I forget I have it.
Oh, this is crazy.
Because I did Shakespeare a few years ago.
And they do the lav here.
Oh, they do the lav here.
I'm used to talking up at my forehead.
You're talking up.
What play was that you did?
What Shakespeare play?
King Lear.
With the inimitable John Lithgow.
John, we love John Lithgow.
Yes.
I played Goneril
you played what?
Goneril
Goneril
to Lithgow's Lear
to Lithgow's Lear
it's really a dream
now
and I
this has been very edifying
and
oh my god
Annette
Annette what's your favorite wine?
I'm so dehydrated
the winter here is dry
it's a coast
but it's still dry yes what's your favorite wine? I'm so dehydrated. The winter here is dry. It's a coast, but it's still dry.
Yes.
What's your favorite wine, if you could say?
Oh, I've been really into these wines from Portugal.
I know you're laughing because it's like Portugal.
What?
Why?
Wine there?
No.
But if you think about it, the Loire Valley, right, in France.
I don't know if you've been.
The Loire Valley, yes.
I haven't been. To the Loire. Yes, the Loire Valley in France, I don't know if you've been. The Loire Valley, yes. I haven't been.
To the Loire.
The great wines there.
It's kind of in the same parallel.
Oh, great.
So Loire's there and then Portugal's over there.
Well, depending on where.
I'm looking this way, but the audience would be that way.
So it's over there.
Right, right, right.
Do you know what? This is thrilling.
But I feel that
while you're here,
we should actually
have you do
what we had you do
the last two times,
which is,
would you perform
the national anthem
of I Don't Think So, Honey?
Yes.
This is a really
amazing performer,
so I just don't want
to lose that opportunity.
It's the national anthem of Las Culturistas.
We are not a nation, but we have an anthem.
Can I put this on?
It's just so cute.
You sure can, Annette.
Just there.
All right, so I guess we should ask everyone to rise.
Please rise.
Please rise for the anthem.
Good to see you.
Remove all hats.
When you feel there are things in this world that you hate
When you feel there are things
you don't like
When you need to speak out
And you need to shout
You must say whatever you like
Exactly. I don't think so like exactly I don't think so honey I don't
think so child I don't think so turn to the beat bitch yes I don't think so
honey I don't think so child I don't think so what Bitch! Thank you. Annette Manning, everybody.
Please have some respect.
Annette. Annette.
Stunning. Is there, I wonder,
is there anything else
Annette that you
wanted to say
or do?
Oh, oh my god.
Just in terms of recent events
and my career and where it's been
versus where it is now versus who's been
kind of along the train.
Just have a word
for a former co-star.
Wow.
I will sell this house today.
Oh, baby.
Wow! She will sell this house today!
You did, Kevin Spacey! She will sell this house today! You did, Kevin Spacey!
She will sell this house today!
Give it up for Annette Bening, everybody!
Wow.
All right.
So I believe it's time to get started here with I Don't Think So, Honey Love.
Are you guys ready?
All right.
So listen, I think as the winner of Kultwar, I get to determine who goes first out of the two of us, Bowen.
And I have to tell you, your ass is going to go first.
Okay, great.
Bowen Yang, did you prepare something or am I going to dive into this here bowl that we carved?
Yes.
This is the troll bowl. Yes.
Everyone has the option of preparing an I Don't Think
It's Funny topic or diving into this troll bowl
bitch and this is
randomly selected topics
here. What do you want to do? Do you want to demo this?
So troll bowl has
topics that are hard to go negative on.
They're universally beloved things,
institutions, people, concepts
but... Designed to humiliate our performers.
You have to go negative, and so I think
to demo the troll bowl, I will
pick from the troll bowl. Alright, bitch!
Go take your space!
Do you have a timer ready?
Do your phone.
Alright, so I'm picking.
I'm picking one. I wrote
all these, and I'm very happy
to... Okay, I have a good topic for you Bowen
Bowen Yang's
I Don't Think So Honey
The Ladies of Broadway
Your time starts now
I Don't Think So Honey
The Ladies of Broadway
There are enough of you
There's no fucking shortage
of roles. Fuck.
Barbara Cook's death was
the best thing that ever happened
to theater,
bitch. Look, I don't want the
Philippa Suess of the world
just walking in,
being like, yes, I'll do this role in
Hamilton, and then this role in Amelie,
and then just cash out and spend the rest of my life
in the fucking Maldives
where the fuck Broadway people go.
I don't think so, honey, the ladies of Broadway.
Look, stop invading spaces that were meant for queer people.
Fuck you.
I don't need to see another ingenue
walk it in
the second time I've
used that phrasing.
God, there was a reason
why in Shakespeare's day, all the
roles were played by men.
Fuck y'all.
I don't think so many of the ladies of Broadway
are down here.
Fuck you.
Bo and Yang arguing
for less women
on the stage.
I meant none of that.
I meant none of that.
Oh my God.
You're a piece of shit.
Okay.
Now this is Matt Rogers' I don't think.
Tony, what are you going to do?
You have one.
This is preselected.
You know what?
I had a preselected one
and it would be on theme of that.
So should I do it?
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it.
Do it anyway.
This is Matt Rogers' I Don't Think So, Honey,
and his time starts now.
I don't think so, honey.
People who say they don't like Lea Michele.
Fuck yourself.
I watched her interview on Chelsea today,
Chelsea Handler,
and I fucking like her.
She's a real ass bitch.
You know what she said
Which I cannot do
She said she doesn't like Thanksgiving
She didn't like the food
Fucking
I don't think so honey
Thanksgiving
I don't think so honey
Any meat that I have to
Put gravy on
In order to literally swallow
I don't think so honey
I think so honey
Lea Michele
Forgiving that
I don't think so honey
People who don't like
Lea Michele
You fucked up your chance
With John Groff
You queer If you are trying your chance with John Groff, you queer.
If you are trying to
get to John Groff, you have to be able
to go to the beach with Lea Michele.
Honestly,
if you can't sit next to Lea Michele on the beach
and listen to her talk about herself for 15
fucking minutes, just relax.
Fuck you. Lea Michele can
sound like a motherfucker. I fucking threw
my back out on the B61 listening to Lea Michele's pop album. Five seconds. Lea Michele can sound like a motherfucker. I fucking threw my back out on the B61 listening to Lea Michele's pop album.
Five seconds.
Lea Michele is fierce.
You all love Glee.
Fuck you, people who don't like Lea Michele.
I don't think so, honey.
That's one minute.
Wow.
Biting, biting specificity.
I love it.
She's a talented girl.
She's a talented girl.
Cannonball.
Love that song.
Somebody said to me one time,
somebody goes,
I was at a party with Lea Michele
and she was asking people for drugs.
I was like, yeah, fuck yeah.
Yeah, it's fine.
Let her ask for drugs.
Let's do drugs at a party.
Cool.
Yeah.
Fucking burn the wish
you wanted to do drugs at a party?
Get the fuck out of my life.
I don't think so, honey.
No.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
And Thanksgiving's my favorite holiday, but...
Fuck you!
I was going to agree and say
some conventions of it are
not necessary.
Turkey? You like turkey?
Okay, everyone relax.
Turkey's fine
and gravy is a necessary lubricant and it's delicious.
It's actually rule of culture number seven.
Turkey gravy is a necessary lubricant.
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City are back.
I love that.
Oh my gosh.
Welcome.
And last season's drama was just the tip of the iceberg.
You're recording us?
I am disgusted.
Never in a million years after everything we've been through did I think that you would reach out to our sworn enemy.
We were friends.
How could you do this to me?
I don't trust her.
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Wednesdays at 9 on Bravo or stream it on City TV Plus. This week, Charlemagne Tha God sits down with Vice
President Kamala Harris for a conversation you don't want to miss. The things that we want and
are prepared to fight for won't happen if we're not active and if we don't participate. They
tackle the big questions, politics, policy, and what's next for the country. Doesn't the Biden
administration have to take some blame for the border, though? Charlemagne, first thing we dropped was a bill to fix the broken immigration system,
which, by the way, Trump did not fix when he was president.
Don't miss this in-depth interview with Charlemagne the God and Vice President Kamala Harris,
only on The Breakfast Club. Catch the full interview now on the Black Effect Podcast
Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey, everybody, you get your podcasts. gets sick, loses a family member or their housing. That's giving relief.
So when you or someone you know is in crisis,
tell them to ask for help from Giving Kitchen by visiting givingkitchen.org slash help.
That's givingkitchen.org slash H-E-L-P.
Together, we are Giving Kitchen.
We help food service workers.
Hey there, my little creeps. It's your favorite ghost host, Teresa. And guess what? We help food service workers. We'll see you next time. the one time I'm actually on trend. So grab your pumpkin spice, dust off that Ouija board, just don't call me unless it's
urgent, and tune in for new episodes every week.
Remember, October 22nd, the veils are thin, the stories are spooky, and your favorite
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Listen to Haunting, starting on October 22nd on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
All right, let's get this shit started.
Shall we?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
This is group one.
Everyone, please welcome to the stage Peggy O'Leary.
Mary Beth Barone.
Yes.
Oh, Mary Beth.
What? What?
You come out as you're being called!
George Severus!
Marie Faustin!
And Sydney Washington!
Oh my god!
Fucking icons!
This is the hot group!
Come on, I mean, they're all hot, let's not...
Stop!
Enough!
Peggy, Peggy's up first, bitch. Enough. Peggy.
Peggy's up first.
Give it up for Peggy O'Leary, everybody.
Put the hat on if you wish.
Peggy, is this going to be a pre-selected?
I don't think so, honey.
Do you want to draw from the troll bowl?
Look, I'm not going to take down a loved person.
I'm going to do my own thing.
All right.
This is Peggy O'Leary's I Don't Think So, Honey.
Time starts now.
I don't think so honey, girls who only like tall men.
Go fuck yourself.
What are you, a roller coaster?
You have a height minimum?
Get outta here.
Have you ever fucked this short guy?
He is in it to win it, bitches.
I'm a tall ass bitch.
He comes right here,
I don't even like to kiss his
fucking face.
Because all you men don't brush your teeth
enough. Suck the titties.
That's all I want.
Also, when you're out in public with him,
when you're out in public with him, you just stand like this.
This is him.
He is loving it.
Okay? Listen, I like to be a dominant
bitch outside the bedroom. So I like a short guy around. And then in the bedroom, okay? Listen, I like to be a dominant bitch outside the bedroom,
so I like a short guy around.
And then in the bedroom, those short men,
they get in deep.
15 seconds.
They fucking get excited, ladies.
You like to talk.
He's boring as fuck.
What is he, like missionary?
Oh, is he into sports?
Go fuck yourself.
Ladies and gentlemen,
fucking love me some short men.
I'll be over by the bar. You can buy me a shot.
Yeah, that's one minute.
Peggy O'Leary coming to
the stage. Mary Beth Barone.
This look. This look is
the look. This is the look.
All right. Mary Beth. What are we doing?
I'm doing pre-selected. Pre-selected.
Here we go. Mary Beth Barin, your time starts now.
I don't think so, honey.
People tell me who I have resting bitch face.
I don't have resting bitch face because I'm never resting, bitch.
Why do you think I'm always wearing workout clothes?
It's because I am always on.
I burn calories just by being me, honey.
Should you have the honor,
nay the privilege,
to catch me sitting still
between working out,
writing, performing,
and posting to my Instagram story?
I want nothing but admiration
from you, honey.
30 seconds.
This week,
for the very third time,
I was sitting in a show
waiting for my turn
and the comic on stage
stopped in the middle of their set to tell me that I looked pissed off.
Shame on you if you think I was just sitting there looking pissed off when I was actually mentally crafting the perfect text to send to the guy who is currently ghosting me.
Okay, honey?
Because I waste no time.
As I said, I am always on.
And much like gender, sexuality, and time,
resting bitch face is a construct, honey.
Yes!
That's one minute!
Oh, struck the landing.
I love that.
Come on, George Severus!
George Severus!
Come on, what is the deal?
It will be pre-selected.
Come on, pre-selected.
Okay, come on, pre-selected.
This is George Siverus's
I Don't Think So, Honey as time starts now.
I Don't Think So, Honey, the Moth
Live Storytelling Event.
What are we doing?
Live storytelling
is not a genre.
Okay? Oh, you think
your story about losing your virginity
at prom in the back of a Honda Civic
fits into some larger narrative about the human condition?
Then why am I bored?
I don't think so, honey.
Why are you reading your diary in front of an audience
in the back of an independent bookstore?
I don't think so, Hannah Horvath.
Dropping out of the
Iowa Writers Workshop
to go to the Moth in the
television show Girls, created by Lena Dunham,
who I do not have the time to get
into.
Doesn't deserve it.
Have fun living in upstate New York with your
son, Grover, bitch.
Five seconds!
Oh, and that's one minute.
Unbelievable.
I don't think so, honey.
Your son, Grover, bitch.
Wow.
Everyone, get fucking ready.
Marie Faustin, let's go.
Yes.
Yes.
You better tie it around your waist.
Around my waist.
Yes.
Marie, what do we think about this bowl?
What do we think?
What are we doing?
You have you putting salads in there?
No.
No.
I am going to do something preselected because I feel like you guys need to hear this.
Okay.
Marie Faustins, I don't think so, honey.
Time starts now.
I don't think so, Anne Hathaway.
You boring, bland, beige, huh?
They gave you Catwoman?
If missionary style was a person, it would be Anne Hathaway.
Oh my God.
How we go from Michelle Pfeiffer's crazy ass
to Halle Berry can't keep a man ass to Pan Atheway.
30 seconds to Pan Atheway.
Princess Diary was cute.
I don't have anything bad to say about that.
But, the devil wears Prada didn't need you, Anne Hathaway.
Stanley Tucci gave you a makeover
and you still look the same.
Oh my God. 15 seconds. the way. Stanley Tucci gave you a makeover and you still look the same. Ain't enough bang in the
world to make you interested.
She got a pixie cut and she still looked terrible.
Five seconds.
I feel like, and then she was
in La Miserable. Yeah, she
sung that little sad song, but
she died. She got like chlamydia
and died in like the first eight minutes.
I don't think so, honey.
Marion Fountain.
Wow.
Now closing out this group, the amazing
Sydney Washington.
Good luck. Good luck.
Come on. Come on.
Let us know.
People are bringing the looks tonight. Come on. Come on, let us know.
People are bringing the looks tonight.
She was hating on all of this.
All right.
Sydney.
Wait, hold on.
Get into the pants real quick.
In the shoes. Get into the pants.
Get into the pants.
I came here.
I came here for y'all.
Yes.
All right.
Is it going to be pre-selected or from the troll bowl?
Pre-selected.
Okay, this is Sydney Washington's I Don't Think So Honey.
Her time starts now.
I don't think so, honey.
Leonardo DiCaprio.
We don't owe you shit for Titanic.
You not all that.
Your face is all right and your body is blah.
God worked
on your face, but he was real lazy on that
body.
You telling me everybody in
Hollywood has abs except you?
That's
why they put you in the reverend. They're like, put a coat
on this dude.
Wow. 30 seconds. Who the hell does he
think he is being on yachts with models
who are tens?
Meanwhile, he's a two.
He's a fucking two.
You know what he looks like?
He looks like Lunchables.
That's what he looks like.
15 seconds.
I don't even care if he is an Oscar.
Who cares?
His acting ability, it's all right.
You know who's amazing?
Viola Davis. Viola Davis.
Viola Davis.
Five seconds.
You know,
Meryl Streep.
You know what those bitches have?
Abs.
Yeah,
that's what it is.
I don't think so, honey.
Leonardo DiCaprio.
Yeah. Yes.
Give it up for everybody
in this group.
Peggy O'Leary.
Mary Beth Barone.
George Syverus.
Marie Fawson., and Sydney Washington.
Leo is a two.
Leo is a two.
No abs.
Insight.
Guys, let's welcome the next group.
Yes, everyone, please welcome Anna Roisman.
Yes.
John Braylock.
Come on, Molly Gaby.
Come on, Sam Reese.
And Miss Kelsey Bailey.
Yes.
First up is Anna Roisman.
Anna Roisman, come on.
Yes.
Can I wear the hat?
Are we doing trollable or are we doing a preselected topic?
I'm going to do a preselected.
Come on.
Okay.
In your time, Anna Roisman.
Can I wear?
Can I wear?
The first to wear of the night.
Give it a break.
Yes, looking good. Thank break. It's looking good.
It's so good.
Ready?
It looks so good.
It looks amazing.
And now time starts now.
Okay.
I don't think so, honey.
Pig tails on adult women.
Okay?
Hear me out.
Okay?
First of all,
if you're over the age of eight,
you're done.
Okay?
You don't need to wear pigtails anymore.
Unless you're being Dorothy
for Halloween, right?
Or if you're like, I don't know, fucking
Pippi Longstocking, okay?
Other than that, adult women should not
wear pigtails. What do we want? Men to think
like, it's okay to fuck a
six-year-old?
We have enough of those
guys already. Why give them
more, okay? I'm all for the
ponytail. Wear as many fucking ponytails
as you want in your life. But if you're over eight,
stop wearing pigtails. Now here's
the thing. Miley Cyrus made what?
Those like buns kind of cute?
The pigtail buns? They're fine.
They're okay.
She's Miley Cyrus. That's fine.
But honestly, like Harley Quinn was a fucking character.
Okay?
She's not a real woman.
And that's one minute.
No pigtails.
And her voice is dead, everybody.
Coming to the mic, Mr. John Braylock.
John Braylock.
Hi, John.
John. Hello. Hi, John!
John. Hello. Handsome. Hi. Hi, handsome.
What do we think about? When we think about
I Don't Think So Honey, we think trouble?
I have a preselect. Okay.
People came prepared. This is John Braylock's
I Don't Think So Honey. This is my truth.
This is his truth. His time starts now.
I Don't Think So Honey
Atheist!
Oh my god! You're damn right!
I'm coming for you at the comedy
show! That's right!
Oh, oh, I'm so sorry that
I believe in a higher power!
Oh my god! Excuse me
for believing in love?
I don't think so,
honey. People who want to call the
god the universe?
Get the hell out of here.
The universe doesn't care about you.
It is a void. There are
asteroids flying out through space.
Black holes sucking up
light.
The only thing that cares about you is a
higher being, baby.
I don't think so,
honey. People who want to bring everybody
down and think that they're so intellectual and smart.
Hello, you have no idea how things work.
So it's not too hard to say I believe in a God.
Thank you, baby.
And listen, all of you agnostics, I'm okay with you,
but just know that if you turn atheist,
I'm coming for you.
And I'm coming for you. John Freylock, he's okay with you, but just know that if you turn atheist, I'm coming for you. And I'm Dwayne.
John Freylock.
He's coming for you, atheist.
Atheist.
Everyone, it is time for Molly Gaby.
You better fucking get ready.
Molly.
Hi.
What's it going to be, pre-selected or troll ball?
I'm going for the troll ball, baby.
Oh, my gosh.
I'll pick.
I'll pick.
I'll pick.
I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick. I'll pick, I'll pick, I'll pick, I'll pick, I'll pick.
Here we go.
Oh yeah! Here we go.
Molly Gaby. Hell yeah.
Your troll ball topic
is the Marvel Cinematic
Universe. Oh hell yeah!
And time starts now!
I don't think so, Marvel
Cinematic Universe!
Guess what? I don't like the Marvel Cinematic Universe, guess what?
I don't like the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
You know what I don't feel positively about?
The Marvel Cinematic Universe.
I'm assuming that's somehow different from the DC people.
I'm going to say Batman is bad
and Justice League is confusing.
Cause guess what?
30 seconds.
Oh shit, yeah, now it's just gonna get really real.
Woo!
Hey, I've never seen a cartoon in my life.
That's right.
15 seconds
I'm sorry I was popular in high school
I don't know how I became a comedian
5 seconds
Fuck
I was literally prom queen
That's one minute
Molly Gaby That's one minute.
Molly gave me.
Queen Molly gave me.
Oh, God.
The hat.
That's symbolic.
And now, Sam Rees.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
Come on.
Yes.
There you go.
Now, Sam, are we doing a preselected topic or are we going into the troll bowl?
We're going TSA pre-select.
TSA pre-select.
TSA pre-select.
Right through, right through.
Pre-select and personal.
There you go.
All right.
Wear your shoes.
This is Sam Reese's I Don't Think So Honey.
Time starts now.
I don't think so, honey boy walking down the sidewalk
reading a big-ass book.
What are you doing?
Put the book away.
Who do you think you are?
Belle?
No, honey.
You are not odd.
You're rude.
Okay, put the book down. There are
37,000 of us walking down the
fucking sidewalk every day.
Our assholes are literally touching.
And you're reading a fucking book?
Put it down.
30 seconds.
I saw what you did.
You knocked into a lady.
And you gave her elbow a little paper cut.
And you know what you did?
You whisper apologized and kept reading.
Oh, no.
Okay?
And I have to tell you that whisper apolog Apologizing is reserved for women in the
sales section of an anthropology.
That's what we
do when we bump into each other.
I'm sorry.
Bitch, if you don't
put that book away, Harry Potter and the
Chamber of My Asshole are coming for you.
That's one minute.
Sam Reese.
You're not odd. You're Sam Reese You're not odd
You're rude
You're rude
Oh my god
You're not Belle
Everyone give it up
Kelsey Bailey
Kelsey
Kelsey's wearing it
Kelsey is it gonna be pre-selected or troll ball?
I will be doing pre-selected
Thank you very much
Pre-selected
Thank you very much
Kelsey Bailey's I Don't Think So Honey
Time starts now I Don't Think So Honey. Time starts now.
I don't think so honey two in one
shampoo.
That's right. I'm up here.
I'm taking down big shampoo.
Okay. Who do you
think you are? I have spent 30 years
trying to figure this shit out
and you're trying to come up when we have a dollop
of fucking Frederick Ficai cum and tell
me that I know what I'm doing?
Okay, listen.
What are you trying to do, save me time?
I'm trying to be a professional improviser as a career.
30 seconds.
I have all the time in the fucking world.
I don't have people knocking down my door telling me I have to take a shower in one minute because I booked.
Okay? I have to take a shower in one minute because I booked.
Ask any gay man or straight woman who only hangs out with gay men in a year.
We all have a process.
I am serving you Italian,
Irish, Pennsylvania, Dutch
realness on this head.
Okay?
And who are you to erase my narrative?
Okay?
I think two-in-one shampoo is part of the
patriarchy, and I will not stand for it
on my head. And that's one minute!
Everyone give it up for this
group! Anna Roisman! John Braylock!
Molly Gaby!
Dan Reed! And Kelsey Bailey!
Have some respect.
Unbelievable. Oh my god. You can't do two-in-one.
We're booked. We're booked.
Trying to be professional liberalizers out here.
Guys, welcome the next group.
Lulu Krauss.
Yes.
It's Ben Kling.
Come on.
It's Taryn Englehart.
Come on.
Jen Keefe.
And Dwayne Perkins.
Yes, coach.
Yes, coach.
Yes, decadence from all legends all. It's PJ, everyone. Coming in hot with the beers. Yes, Coates. Yes, decadence from all.
Legends all.
HPJ, everyone.
Coming in hot with the beers.
Okay.
All right, so it is time for Lulu Kraus.
Let's go.
Yes.
Look at this look.
I love it.
I love it.
Lulu, is it going to be pre-selected or troll ball?
Pre-selected.
Pre-selected.
There you go.
This is Lulu Kraus's I Don't Think So Honey.
Her time starts now.
I don't think so, honey, about savory combinations of yogurt.
I don't ever want to be faced with the option of pairing plain Greek yogurt with savory condiments like balsamic vinegar or olive oil or heirloom tomatoes or basil or za'atar or dukkah. I am not walking into a flagship Chobani location
for anything other than a fucking sweet treat of yogurt
with delectable mangoes and chocolate flakes
and tender drizzles of honey.
And to every single person who's ordered a plain yogurt
mixed with sun-dried tomatoes and chickpea spread,
fuck you.
And ma'am, I see that you've ordered an XL of yogurt
and that's only to make your hand look
smaller for your picture with it. No one's
eating an XL portion of yogurt. No one
should be eating an XL portion of yogurt. No one
should be eating an XL portion of yogurt that's
mixed with olive tapenade. I don't
think so, honey. Savor combinations of yogurt.
And that's what happened.
Oh my god.
There was something so
gracefully restrained about that.
It was so, I'm gonna stand and don't live her.
I was just like, captivated.
Lulacross, guys, welcome to the stage, Ben Kling!
Come on, Ben!
Hi, Ben!
Hi, Ben!
How's it going?
Hi.
Hi.
How are you?
Ben, is it gonna be pre-selected or troll ball?
Pre-selected.
Okay, yeah, I like that. This is Ben Kling's I Don't Think So, Honey. His time starts now. I don't? Ben, is it going to be pre-selected or troll ball? Pre-selected. Okay, yeah, I like that.
This is Ben Klings.
I don't think so, honey.
His time starts now.
I don't think so, honey.
People who say, I'm a little bit OCD.
I don't like it when the teacher doesn't erase the whole board.
I'm a little bit OCD.
Oh, I organize my apps by color.
I'm a little bit OCD.
Oh, I absolutely have to wash my hands after I take a shit.
I'm kind of OCD.
You know, obsessive and compulsive are already words.
You don't have to say, I'm a little bit OCD.
The D is a superlative.
That's like sticking your finger in lukewarm water and saying,
it's a little bit boiling.
30 seconds.
You need to earn your D.
There's the you know,
the hand-washing merit badge, sure,
but then there's also
the can't-keep-a-roommate merit badge
and the literally-can't-skip-any-songs-unshuffle
because you've personified songs
and feel like if you skip them,
you're sending them to song hell merit badge.
Oh, my God!
15 seconds!
And, you know, while we're up here,
I don't think so, honey,
people who say,
oh, small spaces make me claustrophobic,
they make you anxious.
Claustrophobia is what that's called.
Five seconds! Five seconds.
Five seconds.
I don't think so, honey.
Also, people who...
I don't know.
I don't have anything left.
I literally have OCD,
and that's all I thought of.
And that's one minute.
He literally has OCD.
You have to earn your D.
You have to earn your D.
Rule number seven of culture.
You have to earn your D.
You have to earn your D.
Guys, please welcome to the stage
Taryn Englehart.
Yes, Taryn!
Okay.
Oh my god, here we go with the Reductress sweatshirt.
Yes. Come on. Shout out Reductress.
Yeah. Okay.
What do we think? Are we doing the ball?
Are we doing pre-selected? Pre-selected.
I'm gonna do pre-selected.
This is Taryn Englehart's I Don't Think So Honey.
Her time starts now. Yeah, I Don't Think So Honey cruises.
I don't think so.
I hate them so much.
I've never been on one.
But they make me so mad because they're just big sea jails with Wi-Fi.
And you can't just get off a cruise whenever you want.
You literally can't leave.
It's a nightmare.
And it's supposed to be a vacation
it's like saying oh i want all the family friendly fun of disneyland but i want it in the middle of
the ocean where the only way i can leave is if i kill myself i don't think so cruises no thank you
also they're too expensive i don't want to pay eight thousand dollars to ride a form of transport
that we have technologically advanced beyond.
People shouldn't still be riding ships.
It's like paying $200 to take a shit in a wheelbarrow.
No, thank you, honey.
Also, 100% of women die on cruises.
Even if you're single and on land, your husband will throw you overboard and say you went missing.
No, thank you.
I'm not dying.
You can't make me.
Fuck you, cruises.
That's one minute.
Oh, my God.
I'm not dying.
You can't make me.
That's real.
That's real.
Everyone, it's time for Jen Keefe.
Come on, Jen.
Yes, Jen.
Jen.
The winner of last I Don't Think So Honey raffle.
And here she is making her amazing return.
Come on.
Jen, is it going to be pre-selected or troll ball?
Pre-selected.
Okay.
Pre-selected, she said.
This is Jen Keefe's I Don't Think So Honey.
Her time starts now.
I Don't Think So Honey.
Where are the lesbians on the Lost Cultureistas podcast? Oh!
I don't think so, honey.
In the time that is taken to have every alum that is Hammercats adjacent.
We've had, I don't know, maybe three.
Maybe three.
Have you heard of Sidney Washington?
Emma Willman?
Morgan Miller?
I don't know.
Ellen DeGeneres?
Ellen!
Call her!
Reggie Rocket?
Francine Frensky?
These are all options, guys.
15 seconds.
I'm just going to keep rattling off.
I don't know
Kendall Jenner
We're waiting Kendall
We are waiting
Bowen and Matt
I could give you some tips
About where to find them
And that's one minute
Oh my god
Should we throw shade?
I don't think so
I think we have to accept that because
we were taking a task. We will address
this on the podcast. No, guys, give
it up for Jen Keefe. Jen Keefe. And welcome
Dwayne Perkins.
Dwayne Perkins.
Dwayne, oh my god.
Yes.
Fashion.
Fashion. Guys, let's just take
it in, bitch. Come on. Fashion. Guys, let's just take it in, bitch.
Come on.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
When the hood pops up.
Is it going to be pre-selected or troll ball?
Pre-selected.
Okay.
This is Dwayne Perkins' I Don't Think So, Honey.
His time starts now.
I Don't Think So, Honey. White gays.
You're trash. Trash. Trash.
Trash. Trash. The culture.
Trash. The clubs.
Offbeat.
The oppression.
Barely, bitch.
White gays are like straight white men just wrapped in sassy tweets,
RuPaul, Drag Race,
and glittery gentrification.
30 seconds.
Oh my God.
It's as if an entire group of people
thought that a witty reference
about Carrie Coon was a personality.
15 seconds. Bears. Trash. a personality. 15 seconds.
Bears, trash, twinks, trash, otters, trash,
Republicans, your parents.
Five seconds.
White gays are trash and belong in garbage bags
which are black like the culture that they appropriate
in an unseasoned fashion.
Oh, that's one minute! Dwayne Perkins!
You know what?
Loved it, loved it.
Oh my God, and you have to accept that.
Oh, see, that was also the curse of Anne Hathaway, who has a gay brother.
She has a white gay brother,
and she is haunting this space.
And guys, give it up for this group!
Lulu Krauss!
Ben Kling! Taryn Englehart! Jen Keefe and Dwayne Perkins! And guys, give it up for this group. Lulu Krauss. Ben Klain.
Taryn Englehart.
Jen Keefe.
And Dwayne Perkins.
Unbelievable.
Let's get this next group up here.
Everyone, please welcome Gabby Hornig.
Emily Alcott.
Gaia Rajagoblan.
Allie Gordon.
And Josh Daniel.
Can I tell you?
This is the group we call
the vocalistas.
Because these are all singers.
These are all singers.
Guys, alright, first up.
They got the notes.
Gabby Hornig.
Yes, okay, Sean Bray.
Yeah, put it on.
Put it on, put it on.
Important cultural moment when the Spice Girls said that.
Gabby.
Yes.
Is it going to be pre-selected or trollable?
Pre-selected.
Okay.
Pre-selected.
And here we go.
Gabby Hornix, I don't think so, honey.
His time starts now.
I don't think so, honey.
People who disrespect Michelle Williams from Destiny's Child.
Yes!
I just don't think so, honey. Okay, she is one-third of the iconic girl group Destiny's Child. Yes! I just don't think so, honey.
Okay? She is one-third of the iconic
girl group Destiny's Child, and she deserves
our respect. Every last one of us.
Okay. Is she perfect?
No. Did she bounce out of that
Super Bowl trap door and, like, teeter around?
Yes. Did she fall on stage and
Kelly and Michelle kept going?
Maybe. Yes, she did. There's video footage.
But that's okay.
She's an icon, okay?
And when will your fave do what she's done?
When will your fave go head-to-head in a riff battle with Beyonce
in the Bridge of Survivor?
You know what I'm talking about.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, your fave could never.
And honestly, she is...
You know what?
I don't want to hear it with your hashtag, poor Michelle.
I don't think so, honey.
Poor Michelle.
15 seconds.
Rich Michelle.
Multi-faceted Michelle.
Versatile Michelle.
I don't think so, honey, if you don't appreciate Michelle Williams, the one and only Michelle
Williams.
You ask me.
I don't think so, honey.
And that's one minute.
Oh, my God.
I felt the spirit.
When Jesus say yes, nobody can say no.
When Jesus say yes, nobody can say no.
Oh, my God.
Guys, please give it up for Emily Olcott.
Oh, my God.
Emily.
Did you guys see me bash my tooth on the mic?
Ow.
Yes.
Poor thing.
Emily.
Okay, Emily.
Yes.
Pre-selected or the bowl?
Pre-selected.
Okay, they came prepared.
Is Emily Olcott's I Don't Think So Honey
her time starts now?
I don't think so, honey.
Soup?
That's right.
I said it.
I'm sorry.
This bowl of mush is supposed to be a full meal?
I don't fucking think so, honey.
Last I checked, soup was a liquid.
It's like a worse water, okay?
It's like mud after a rainstorm.
It's like jizz, man.
And just like jizz, it's completely fucking useless to me.
Oh, 30 seconds.
I don't fucking think so, honey.
And I don't want to hear it with those people that,
oh, but soup warms me in the colder months. First of all, call it winter. Winter is an okay term that has worked for
centuries.
Fifteen seconds.
And I don't want to even hear it about cold soups. Okay, gazpacho can suck my dick. Okay?
And I can say that because I know her.
Five seconds.
I know her.
Soup is not exciting.
Soup is dull, and I hate it.
I don't think so, honey.
Soup!
That's one minute.
That's Emily Olcott.
And I have to reveal, soup is in the troll bowl.
Soup is in the troll bowl as well. Prescient.
Guys.
Unbelievable.
Give it up for Gaia Rajakobala.
Yes, Gaia.
Come on, Gaia.
Gaia.
Gaia, tell us.
Yes, fashion.
Yes.
Thank you.
Tell us about
whether you're going to do
a pre-selected topic
or the troll bowl.
I am going to do
a pre-selected topic.
Yes.
Okay.
This is Gaia
I don't think so honey
her time starts now
I don't think so honey
people who don't spend every day
being sad about the cancellation of Cash Cab
let me tell you
the things that make up a great TV show
okay
a quirky but lovable central character
a backdrop of New York City
you know
someone to root for
without having to hear some fucking sob story
about how they had to drop out of college
to help their dying mother or something.
Whatever, Ashley.
Everybody's life is hard.
Anyway, okay.
I'm also not just talking about Cash Cab New York.
Also Cash Cab Chicago, because you know what that has?
A woman cab driver.
And it's really important
to have representation on TV.
You're telling me
you'd rather watch
Game of Thrones?
Like, what did you ever
learn from that show?
How to touch butts
with your brother?
15 seconds.
Cash Cab was canceled
in 2012
and you know what happened
in 2012?
Obama was elected president
and you know what happened
after that?
Everybody got stupid.
I don't think so.
And that's one minute!
Guy, a round of applause!
Oh my god! That was like
when your best friend tells you a
crushing secret.
I didn't realize it got cancelled. Oh my god, I didn't
even know. This guy was gagged.
It's such a good show.
He broke, his heart broke. I watched it break.
Poor thing. Okay, guys.
Welcome to the stage,
Ali Gordon.
This is the look, too.
This is fashion.
The boots.
The boots.
Show the boots.
Show the boots.
Show the boots.
The embroidery, honey.
All right.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Oh, they're new.
I'm really,
thank you so much for noticing.
Ali, tell us.
What do we think?
I don't think so, honey.
Not people noticing your boots. No, that's not it. That's not it. What is it? Pre-selected or troll ball? I don't think so, honey. Not people noticing
your boots.
No, that's not it.
That's not it.
What is it?
Pre-selected or troll ball?
It is pre-selected.
Okay.
Allie Gordon's
I Don't Think So, Honey.
Her time starts now.
Okay.
I Don't Think So, Honey.
Real little kids
playing kid roles
in Broadway musicals.
If I pay $250
for a premium
Broadway ticket
and I get to my seat
and I sit down
and I open the playbill and I see
the headshot of a little fucking kid
I'm gonna lose my fucking
mind
Firstly, because the only difference
between a little kid and somebody like me in a
Broadway musical is they're allowed to pay me less money
so why don't they do it?
Secondly, is because
if there's a kid who has a lead in a Broadway musical
it's not really one kid, it's like three or four kids all sharing the role and there there's a kid who has a lead in a Broadway musical, it's not really one kid.
It's like three or four kids all sharing the role.
And there's always one kid who's really fucking good.
And a lot of the kids all really suck.
But you're not allowed to say it because they're kids and that would be rude?
I don't think so, honey.
15 seconds.
Also, every little kid who knows how to sing, even the best kid who knows how to sing,
knows that they are a little kid who knows how to sing.
And they all sing with the same smug look
of self-satisfaction on their face.
Much like the woman at your office
who was always bragging about being good at karaoke.
I don't think so.
Yeah, that's one minute.
Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, that was...
That was amongst the best.
Amongst the best.
Oh, wow.
I'm breathless.
Guys, please give it up.
Josh Daniel.
Welcome, Josh.
Look at this jacket.
This jacket will give me life for the rest of my days.
Oh, my God.
This is the only thing that I didn't buy for this podcast taping.
Everything else is purchased for you, the viewing audience.
Yes, because podcasts are a visual medium.
Podcasts are a visual medium.
It's a visual medium.
Okay, so Josh.
Joshy, are we doing a pre-selected topic or are we doing a troll ball topic?
We're doing pre-selected.
Okay.
This is Josh Daniel.
I don't think so, honey.
His time starts now.
I don't think so, honey.
Artisanal singing.
Yes, artisanal singing.
What?
You know what I'm talking about?
I'm looking at you, you indie Zooey Deschanel bitches
with your amorphous vowels and your vocal fry,
and you're like, to compellingly play Jack in Into the Woods, and win a Laurie Beachman Award for vocal excellence,
to listen to your bitch-ass nebulous schwa.
30 seconds!
I don't think so, honey!
And as always, women of color are underrepresented in this community,
but this is the one community in which they're underrepresented for a good reason,
because they give me a full belt.
That's right, white girls, I'm looking at us,
it's 2017 and everyone's on trial.
So, release your
dia, sing from your pussay,
lift your soft palate
like you're S-ing my gargantuan D,
and fuck artisanal
singing? Fuck it, I don't think
so.
In the third minute!
Oh my god, Grace Vanderwall.
Fuck Grace
Vanderwall. Oh my God. You guys,
fucking this group. Give it up for them right now.
Gabby Horton.
Emily Olcott.
Dalia Roja Copeland.
Ali Gordon and Josh Daniel.
Oh my God, the vocalistas.
Vocalistas. They came for it.
Guys, this is going to be the last group of the first half.
So, give it up for
Ryan Haney.
Give it up for Yoni Lotan!
Give it up for
Brandon Scannell!
And Joel Kim
Booster!
Yes! Oh my god, the fashions!
These boys, I fucking love them all.
Alright, so it's time.
Ryan, yes, connect with each other!
Connect! Connect! Connect! connect connect connect connect oh my god
we're all family here this is fun oh my god podcast our visual guys i'm gonna say half the
group is gay half the group is straight you guys figure it out okay all right ryan you go up to
ryan haney here we go all right so ryan talk to me about whether we're doing a pre-sliced topic or a troll bowl topic.
Matt, we tonight, we, all of us here, you know, we're going to do a troll bowl.
Wow.
I love it.
The long winded.
I love that it feels special.
It's very special.
Okay, here we go.
I'm picking it out. Ryan Haney. Oh, my God. No, it can't be this. It's very special. Okay, here we go. I'm picking it out.
Ryan Haney.
No, it can't be this.
It's literally soup.
It can't be that because we already had soup.
And I love soup too much.
I know, it's so good.
I made a soup that turned into a pasta.
Have you ever had that?
No.
I did it.
That's amazing.
That sounds good, right?
It was really good. I want to talk about that at the inter No. I did it. That's amazing. That sounds good, right? It was really good.
I want to talk about that at the intermission.
Ryan Haney, your I Don't Think So Honey topic is, and this is good, Little League.
And your time starts now.
I Don't Think So Honey Little League.
I Don't Think So giving boys real hope about making it in the big leagues.
It's not a baseball game.
You got some drunk-ass dad up there throwing softballs,
and you're cranking him out of the park,
and all of a sudden, you think you own the world.
I don't think so, honey.
That's leading to what we call toxic masculinity.
30 seconds. 30 seconds.
I don't think so, honey.
Letting some 16-year-old get up on the mound
and smoke a bunch of 8-year-olds with a fastball.
We don't need to see that.
I don't think so, honey.
Little League on ESPN.
15 seconds.
There are real sports we could be watching.
There are grown-ass people
who are at the top of their athletic game
currently competing.
And I don't need to see Bobby
like bobbling an infield fly.
That's one minute.
That was Ryan Haney.
Ryan Haney.
I don't think so.
Fucking cruddle league.
Okay.
And now it is time
for Yoni Luton.
Come on, Yoni.
Yes.
Hi, Yoni.
Matt and Bowen,
I just want to say
I'm such big fans
that I made my own hat.
That is culture.
Put it on.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
I tried to make the feather
as big as possible.
Yeah, baby.
Yoni, this is beautiful.
Thank you.
Do you like my hat?
Yes, it's literally such a gag.
It's so good.
All right, so...
Are we doing...
I love that it has a fucking strap.
All right, are we doing...
I have a wild jaw.
Are we doing a pre-selected topic or a troll bowl topic?
You know what?
I want the people to decide.
You know what they'll say.
Troll bowl.
Troll bowl.
Oh, the den of the bowl.
Betsy Kenny also did the same thing in the first show.
But shout out Betsy Kenny.
And they also said troll bowl.
All right.
Here we go.
Not ready. We're also said troll bowl. Here we go. Not ready.
We're going to dive in and
your topic is
Oh God.
Okay. Your I don't think so honey topic is
the word sassy.
Okay. And Yoni's I don't think so
honey on the word sassy starts now.
I don't think so honey.
The word sassy.
That's like homophobic, right?
Yes, it is.
It's like, what the fuck are you trying to imply?
Just say, like, mean?
I don't know what the fuck sassy is.
I don't even know what the fuck sassy is.
I honestly do not know what the fuck sassy is.
What does it mean, having attitude?
Fuck shaming that. you should have attitude yes
you should defend what the fuck you want to defend and if that correlates to being sassy
then you know what be sassy own it fucks fuck making you know what fuck words representing
things you know what describing words just 15 seconds. Just be it.
Don't be fucking words.
Be it.
That's what I have to say.
Live your life.
Do what you want to do.
Don't let a word describe.
Five seconds.
What the fuck you are.
I honestly don't know what sexy is.
That's one minute.
You've been sexy.
Wow.
The only way to be woke Is to not know what words mean
That's what we've learned
Yoni, God bless you
Alright, so here we go
Straight from LA, it's Brendan Scannell
Brendan
Yes, yes
The nails
Hello
Come on nails Nails.
Gorgeous.
Brendan.
Hi.
Hi.
Is it going to be pre-selected or trollable?
Pre-selected.
Okay.
This is Brendan Skinnell's I Don't Think So, Honey.
His time starts now.
So I live in LA and New Yorker's traveling.
I don't think so, honey.
Okay.
All of you, I'm coming for you.
First of all, stop complaining about driving, okay?
Everybody fucking does it.
The subway is not that great.
I got a push notification about it today
that it's breaking down, okay?
At least in a car, if you sit and shit,
it's yours and you're sad, but it's fine, okay?
Second, who cares about pizza, all right?
I'm from LA.
I haven't had gluten in five fucking years.
30 seconds. Okay, if I eat't had gluten in five fucking years. 30 seconds.
Okay, if I eat cheese, my insides will explode.
Today, I woke up, I had a scoop of collagen powder,
a little bit of chia seeds,
and three and a half grams of cocaine.
All right?
Fuck you, New York.
Oh, and also, here's something.
Stop saying, I'll move to L.A. when my career demands it.
Fuck you.
We don't care if you're there or not!
You know what?
Nobody wants to read your script about a girl who moves from Bushwick to Flatbush.
Five seconds.
Fucking move to L.A., make a script about somebody who moves from West Hollywood to Silver Lake.
And that's one minute.
Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Beautiful.
God bless.
Ignore this.
Brendan Scannell.
Brendan Scannell.
Guys, that is... Okay, and now... Oh my God, amazing. Yes. Beautiful. God bless. Ignore this. Brendan Scannell.
Guys, that is... Oh my god, amazing.
And now the Simon Cowell of culture.
Please welcome Joel Kim Booster!
Oh my god.
Yes, yes, yes.
Okay, jumpsuit.
Hey guys.
And it's Doc Martens in his jumpsuit.
What's it going to be?
What do we think?
Okay, I'm scared, but I'm a student of the form,
and I think to be really good,
you've got to go with the troll ball.
To be really good, you've got to go troll ball.
But I, like Yoni, don't know a lot of words,
so we'll see.
Also, Matt Foley did spoil the drag race finale for me as well.
Thank you.
I won't accept.
All right, here we go.
Okay, Joel, your I Don't accept. Alright, here we go. Okay, Joel.
Your I don't think so honey topic
is the incredible
Cate Blanchett.
And Joel Kimboosters,
I don't think so honey time starts now.
I don't think so honey Cate Blanchett.
Bring some color
to that goddamn pale ass face.
I don't think so, honey.
You are a low-rent Meryl Streep at best.
Showing up in a Marvel movie?
I don't think so, honey.
Who is that for?
The nerds who grew up loving notes on a scandal?
I don't think so, honey.
We didn't need you there.
Go back to prestige dramas where you belong.
30 seconds.
Okay, honey?
30 seconds.
I don't think so.
Galadriel showing up in a Lord of the Rings movie
to talk down to those hobbits
like they don't know that the ring is already a big deal.
Okay?
Honey, you better.
15 seconds.
I could resist the ring.
You with your flowing blonde locks.
I don't think so, honey.
With your Aryan looks and your amazing acting style.
Five seconds.
I don't think so, honey.
Kate Blanchett, you're done.
That's one minute.
Master of the form, Joel Kim Booster.
If you're really good, you've got to go for it.
Everyone, give it up for this group.
Ryan Haney, Yoni Luton,
Brandon Scannell, and Joel Kim Booster.
Now, all right.
Before, yes, come on.
Before we close out this first half,
we are pleased to award
our Lost Culturistas Icon Award.
Yes, the winner of CULTUR.
I mean, he just won't go away, bitch.
So he's already a two-time recipient of this award,
but for a third time tonight...
What? Oh, my God.
For a third time tonight,
we are honoring his contributions to the forum.
Please welcome to the stage and rise for Mr. Pat Regan. All right, sit down.
Sit down, sit your ass down.
I just want to say awards are so silly.
Shut up.
Titles are so silly.
Words are silly. Microphones, stages, all of this so silly. Words are silly.
Microphones, stages,
all of this is silly.
I don't need fame or want it.
Okay, and with that,
Pat,
do you have a pre-slept later?
This smoke is out of control.
You look unbelievable.
Do I?
Because I want to say that
this is the first time
I've ever worn chambray.
It can't be the first.
No, but I'm having an experience on it where I thought I looked amazing, and then I took
a pic, and I was like, didn't love the way it hung.
No, I love, I was specifically talking about you in this mist.
Oh, no, I know, but I'm talking about me in the chambray.
It is the last thing I ever want to see.
Okay.
Wait, I feel like this might affect kind of my ability
to connect with.
Yeah, okay.
So, all right.
So let's just banter
for a bit as the
smoke clears out.
We don't have to,
but like...
Can everybody see
Pat okay?
Okay, great.
He looks amazing.
He looks incredible.
Do I look amazing?
Can someone cheer
if I look amazing?
Pat, it's time.
Pat, is it going
to be pre-selected
or trollable?
I know that I've never done trollable,
and so I'm going to decide to continue having never done trollable.
Yes, yes.
And I'm going to do a pre-selected topic.
Perfect.
If you would please, just to lead by example,
as an Icon Award winner and wear the hat.
Absolutely.
You're the only person we're going to specifically request to wear.
No, and I didn't mean to not wear it.
What a good choice to put it on the way you did.
Backwards.
First of all, thank you for acknowledging
that everything I do on stage is a choice.
A lot of people forget that.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
So, Pat,
you're the Icon Award winner
for a third time,
the winner of Coach War.
And by the way,
we're going to get you
that $100 Venmo cash prize real soon.
Whenever you're ready.
Whenever you're ready.
It's just going to come in two installments
because that's the way it works.
Totally.
It's how it contractually.
Well, I don't care because I'm rich,
but whenever you can.
Money's no object to Pat Regan.
And his I don't think so, honey.
Time starts now.
Okay.
I don't think so, honey,
people who when you tell them you're tired
but you feel like
you got sleep,
they say,
well, maybe you're
getting too much sleep.
Like, I don't think so, honey.
I don't think so, bitch.
Like, who's getting
too much sleep?
It's 2017.
This is a world of horrors.
You can sleep for
24 hours straight
and nap in between
and you will not be
getting too much sleep
and I'm coming to you
in a moment of vulnerability
and you are giving me
this gaslighting bullshit.
Like, yeah, I'm feeling
very, very tired. Maybe I should
sleep less. Thank you.
You're a victim blamer
and you're an asshole and you're making me
feel fucking crazy.
So what, you can have a little like iota of
superiority with your goddamn pseudo-medicine
bullshit? That's not a thing.
Like, if you sleep, then you become
less tired. That's how sleep works.
And I know everyone's tired.
I have made the choice to come to you because
I'm specifically tired and I'm trying to connect
with you over that and you're going to make me feel like a
goddamn lunatic
villain.
I don't think so, honey. I don't think so, honey.
People who, when you say, I'm tired
but I've been getting sleep, they say,
well, maybe you're getting too much
sleep. That's one minute.
Give it up for Pat.
Give it up for Pat. He is the icon of one minute
for a third consecutive time. Guys, we are now
going to take a brief five-minute intermission
and we'll see you back. Get a drink and tip your
tenders. Bye.
Woo!
Forever Dog. This has been Bye! And subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram,
at Forever Dog Team, and liking our page on Facebook.
I'm Cheryl Swoops.
And I'm Tarika Foster-Brasby.
And on our new podcast, we're talking about the real obstacles women face day to day.
Because no matter who you are, there are levels to what we experience as women.
And T and I have no problem going there.
Listen to Levels to This with Sheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster-Brasby,
an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports & Entertainment.
You can find us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports.
On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez was found off the coast
of Florida.
And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba?
Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home
and he wanted to take his son with him.
Or stay with his relatives in Miami?
Imagine that your mother died
trying to get you to freedom.
Listen to Chess Peace,
the Elian Gonzalez story,
on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey, I'm Jay Shetty and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll.
This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly
Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest I was a desperate delusional dreamer.
Be a delusional dreamer.
Just don't be a desperate delusional dreamer.
Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Trust me, you won't want to miss this one.
I'm Julian Edelman.
I'm Rob Gronkowski.
And we are super excited to tell you about our new show, Dudes on Dudes.
We're spilling all the behind-the-scenes stories, crazy details,
and honestly, just having a blast talking football.
Every week, we're discussing our favorite players of all times,
from legends to our buddies to current stars.
We're finally answering the age-old question,
what kind of dudes are these dudes?
We're going to find out, Jules.
New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season.
Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.