Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - "I Don't Think So, Honey! 7" (Part Two)

Episode Date: October 19, 2018

The 7th installment of "I Don't Think So, Honey!" Live is here! 45 comedians take one minute each to go off on culture. Part Two featuring: Ana Fabrega, Alyssa Stonoha, Sandy Honig, Julio Torres, Peter Smith, Catherine Cohen, Anna Suzuki, Milly Tamarez, Dewayne Perkins, Pat Regan, Mo Fry Pasic, Kiko Soiree, Katie Hartman, Natalie Walker, Larry Owens, Dave Mizzoni, Sam Taggart, Max Wittert, Gabe Gonzales, Joe Castle Baker, Sarah Tollemache, Rebecca O'Neal, Rachel Pegram, Rachel Joravsky, Liza Treyger, Shenovia Large, X Mayo, Alex Song, Michael Hartney and finishing it off... the one and only HPJ. Recorded Live at The Brooklyn Comedy Festival---MERCH! MERCH! GET YOUR LAS CULTURISTAS MERCH!https://www.teepublic.com/stores/las-culturistasLAS CULTURISTAS HAS A PATREON! For $5/month, you get exclusive access to WEEKLY Patreon-ONLY Las Culturistas content!!https://www.patreon.com/lasculturistasSUBSCRIBE ON APPLE PODCASTS TODAY!CONNECT W/ LAS CULTURISTAS ON FACEBOOK & TWITTER for the best in "I Don't Think So, Honey" action, updates on live shows, conversations with the Las Culturistas community, and behind-the scenes photos/videos:www.facebook.com/lasculturistastwitter.com/lasculturistasLAS CULTURISTAS IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttp://foreverdogproductions.com/fdpn/podcasts/las-culturistas/ Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City are back. I love that. I love that. Oh my gosh. Welcome. And last season's drama was just the tip of the iceberg. You're recording us? I am disgusted.

Never in a million years after everything we've been through did I think that you would reach out to our sworn enemy. We were friends. How could you do this to me? I don't trust her. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Wednesdays at 9 on Bravo, or stream it on City TV+. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez was found off the coast of Florida. And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba?

Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home, and he wanted to take his son with him. Or back to his father in Cuba? Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or stay with his relatives in Miami? Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. And we are super excited to tell you about our new show, Dudes on Dudes. We're spilling all the behind-scenes stories, crazy details,

and honestly, just having a blast talking football. Every week, we're discussing our favorite players of all times, from legends to our buddies to current stars. We're finally answering the age-old question, what kind of dudes are these dudes? We're going to find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Sheryl Swoops. And I'm Tarika Foster-Brasby. And on our new podcast, we're talking about the real obstacles women face day to day. Because no matter who you are, there are levels to what we experience as women. And T and I have no problem going there. Listen to Levels to This with Sheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster-Brasby, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Forever. Dog. Look, man. Oh, I see. Wow. Bowen, look over there. Wow, is that? FOREVER! DOG! Look Matt! Where? Oh I see! Wow! Bowen look over there!

Wow is that culture? Yes! Oh my goodness! Las Culturistas! Oh my god! Who's next? The next group is called... Natalie Portman!

It'll make sense! Welcome Anna Fabrega. Welcome Alyssa Stanoha. Sandy Honig. Julio Torres. And you saw them as a net banning. Welcome Peter Smith. Hello. Peter. Okay. Fab-u-louse. Natalie Portman. I'll get Natalie Portman from this group. The whole vibe, right? Okay, welcome to the mic,

Anna Fabrega! Anna. Ooh, I think Anna told me what hers is and it's really good. Okay. Yeah, I'm gonna go pre-selected. Pre-selected sounds good to me.

This is because of an experience I had last weekend and I said, you know, I don't think so, honey. Carpeted restaurants. Go. What are you thinking?

Putting a material that is absorbent and difficult to clean on the floor of a restaurant. It's like, would you put carpet in your kitchen? No. Don't put it in a restaurant. Everything that spilled, that has ever touched that carpet is still in there. They are not putting the chairs up at night and getting a steam cleaning vacuum to do a deep cleaning of the carpet. It's moldy. It's disgusting.

And the people that are like, the restaurant owners that say, well, it helps with the noise. It makes it less noisy. That's not a good trade-off. That's like having your car stolen and being like, well, at least I don't have to pay for gas now. No.

Get rid of that. It's not only disgusting, it looks tacky as hell. And it makes the room damp. No one's eating like, damn, I wish it was a little muggier in here. Five seconds. I don't think so, honey.

Get rid of that carpet. Let's put in some hardwood floors, tile, or linoleum. Hardwood floors only. That's that carpet. Let's put in some hardwood floors, tile, or linoleum. Hardwood floors only. That's one minute. That's one minute. I'd rather have linoleum than carpet in my restaurant. I'd rather have linoleum.

You know what? Every dim sum restaurant is shaking. Yeah, it's so true. Every buffet on Long Island is a-co-aking. Oh, my goodness. A fan of a great carpeted restaurant. Oh, my God. Come on, Alyssa Stanoja.

Let's go. Let's go. Oh. Woo. A boot. Hannah Montana. I'm Hannah Montana. A booty, man.

Yes. Alyssa, what are we thinking? How we feel? I'm feeling pre-select. Okay. Pre-select. Pre-select. Okay.

This is Alyssa Stanoja. Okay. I'm terrified. Oh my God. No. This is Alyssa Stanoja's I Don't Think So Honey. Our time starts now. I don't think so, honey, our time starts now I don't think so, honey, thinking you're too good

To talk shit Thank you Okay, clap for 45 seconds Okay If we don't talk shit, what do we have? Ask people What do we have if we don't talk shit? It is all we have

It's the oldest pastime. It's the oldest human pastime. I was raised by a woman who says to me, every time I see her, the biggest mistake of my life is talking shit, but... 30 seconds. And then she goes off on someone, you're not better than me for not talking shit.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Seriously, though? Seriously, though? Seriously, though? If you're not a discerning person and you don't know what you don't like about other people, then you're not gonna self-improve. Oh! Okay. Okay.

Talking shit. I have no allegiance to anybody. I'll talk about everyone behind their back. I'm not wrong for that. That is the right thing to do because everybody's crazy. I'll talk about everyone behind their back. I'm not wrong for that. That is the right thing to do because everybody's crazy. I'm mentally ill. Fuck you! And that's one minute! Wow. It's actually

rule of culture number 100. Everyone's crazy. I'm mentally ill. Fuck you! Put that on a shirt. Fantastic. Alyssa. Wow. Next up we have Sandy Honan.

Wow. Very unreal. Fuck you. Fucking fuck. I knew I was following Alyssa. What we doing? A pre-select. Sorry I'm shy. I don't think so any of your time starts now. What we doing? What we doing? A pre-select. A pre-select. Sorry, I'm shy. I don't think so.

I don't think so. And your time starts now. I don't think so, honey. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. No. I'm sorry. But the lead actress who plays Mrs. Maisel is not Jewish. I think that is fucked up. Maisel is not Jewish. I think that is fucked up. If that was

anything else, if it was any other group, people would be marching in the streets. There is this, when people say, oh my god, Rachel Brosnahan does such a good job playing, all I hear is,

wow, wow, what a great cartoon of a Jew. Wow! Wow! What an amazing, she does such a good job being so annoying and loud. Wow! I don't think so, honey. I don't think so, honey. But, um,

they have Monk, so that's okay. Five seconds! I don't think so, honey. Get a Jew in there. Get a Jew in there. That's what I meant. No, no, no. I love Mrs. Maisel.

You know why? Mrs. Maisel is marvelous. You know why I love Mrs. Maisel? Why? Because Alex Borstein is in it, and she played an Asian woman on TV, and it's good. It's good for people. It's good. It's representation for people. It's good.

It's representation. Representation matters. Raise her. All right, let's get a little something from Julio Torres. Julio! Hello, Julio. Hello, Matt.

Hello, Bowen. Hi. Are you going to wear this Princess Peach crown? Well, I found it backstage. Really? Yes, I did. It was just there Princess Peach crown? Well, I found it backstage. Really? Yes, I did. It was just there waiting for me. Oh, I think it looks fabulous.

Wonderful. I think you'd take that. Now we have the princesses present. Yeah. You have your lips pressed up against the mic. And is this a babyish performance? No, this is how I always am. Okay.

Okay. Excuse me. What are you thinking in terms of pre-selected topic or the troll ball? I will do a pre-selected topic. Okay, you'll do a pre-selected topic. This is Julio Torres. Thank you. I don't think so, honey.

His time starts now. I don't think so, honey. My hun's been lying to me by saying that the girl is dead and trying to fool me with the heart of a pig in a box. No, honey. If I ask you to kill the girl, kill the girl. Don't lie to me. Slay!

Now she's living in a forest with dwarves and I have to go finish the job, honey I don't think so funny I have to learn I'm not the prettiest from my mirror No, honey 30 seconds I think that's all I have Thank you

And that's 42 seconds 42 seconds Jul 42 seconds. Julio Torres. Wow. Oh my God. And now it's almost like you get to kiss Julio if you put your mouth on the mic. Wow, from now on.

What do you think, Peter Smith? Get up there. Peter Smith. Peter. Yuma, yuma. Oh. Yuma, yuma, yuma. Peter, what are you thinking

We're gonna do a pre-selected Pre-selected This is Peter Smith's I Don't Think So Honey And their time starts now I Don't Think So Honey Barada We seen this stuff Unfinished cheese Wrapped in mozzarella

Tied in a knot Put on the table like you should pay 15 bucks for this. Alright? I don't think so. Alright? How they do this they put the unfinished goop goop cream curdled cum alright of cows. They put it inside a purse of finished mozzarella cheese. They tuck it up like one of those little bindles you walk on like that. And they serve it

to you for over, this is double digits we're talking about, people. On the bill, two digits. Fifteen seconds. Fifteen? You know what? I love a tightly knotted thing with a creamy center. I love it. I'm gay. I love a tightly knotted thing with a creamy center. I love it.

I'm gay. I love it. Five seconds. I don't want a discharged cow fetus as an appetizer. And that's what it is. You know what? I agree with you. I don't want that. What are you going for?

You got good stuff in there Peter Smith Peter Smith everybody give it up for Natalie Portman Anna Fabrega Alyssa Sanoa Sandy Honig

Julio Torres and Peter Smith wow wow stunning and now please welcome the next group

which is entitled horny singles in your area Catherine Cohen Anna Suzuki Please welcome the next group, which is entitled Horny Singles in Your Area. Catherine Cohen! Anna Suzuki! Let's wait for them to come on stage. They are approaching the stage. Catherine Cohen!

Anna Suzuki! Millie Tamarins! Joanne Perkins! And Pat Regan! Horny Singles in Your Area. Joanne Perkins and Pat Regan wow porny singles in your area seek treatment took front and center bitch you need to seek treatment bring to the mic Catherine Cohen

oh my god she's so shy a shy performer so shy I'm wearing a diaper Kath Coe What are we even feeling? Priscilla That is preselected in

Catherine Cohen's speak This is Catherine Cohen's I Don't Think So Honey Our time starts now I Don't Think So Honey Guys who push down on my clit Absolutely not honey Absolutely not, honey. Absolutely not.

PSA, you weirdly don't have to punch my vagina to make me calm, honey. Keep it light, keep it soft, tickle, tickle. Like when, okay, maybe like one time you're outside and you see a ladybug and you're like, okay, ladybugs are good luck. And you like see it on a piece of grass and you're like, come here, little ladybug.

Yes, that's it. That's what I want, honey. 30 seconds. Bitch, I know it's hard to find because my bush is to hit with me huge. And you know why? Because that feels good to me in my life and when I get rid of it, it hurt because of the razor burn, honey.

I don't think so, honey. 15 seconds. Yes. Take me to your apartment. I don't think so, honey. 15 seconds. Yes. Take me to your apartment. I don't care if you have a bed. I don't care if you have a grand piano in there. Sure, and why not? Five seconds.

Just make sure to keep it soft. Keep it tickle tickle. Keep it ladybug style. Go la la loo la loo la loo la loo. That's what it is. Anna Suzuki! Wow. Hello. Good evening. Oh, I can't wait for this.

She looks like... Yes, untangle, untwirl, unfurl. Are we doing a pre-selected topic? Pre-select. Here's Anna Suzuki. This is really controversial. Her time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Bowling.

You are not a real sport, honey. I don't care if you have a league. You are not a real sport, honey. You know what real athleticism is? Me literally trying to figure out why you won't die. Die bowling. Die. I won't die. Die bowling. Die. I don't think so, honey.

If you Google is bowling, the first suggestion is a real sport. No, you are not. Also, Sandra Oh was snuffed. Sandra Oh was fucking snuffed. What the fuck is Killing Eve? No one is watching Killing Eve And it was not a great vehicle for her I don't think so honey

Sandra Oh was snuffed And bowling is not a sport Five seconds But it seems like that's a wrap And that's Anna Suzuki That's 55 seconds Wow many controversial things. They're bowling, not a sport.

Sandra Oh not given a vehicle by killing Eve. You know what? Everyone's entitled to their own opinion. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion. As long as it's not harmful, everyone's entitled to it. And no one was hurt tonight by the opinion. Anna Suzuki, everyone. Now, please welcome to the mic, Millie Tamaraz.

Millie Tamaraz. Yes, Millie. Ooh, the coat. Oh. I wanted to be classed as well. Millie. Stunning. Thank you. All forever 21. Thank you.

Forever 21. Infinity. Now, tell us about your thoughts about pre-selected topic and the troll bowl. I'm doing pre-selected because as a woman of color, you've got to work twice as hard. Yes! Go for it, queen!

So this is Millie Tamer. This is I Don't Think So Honey. Our time starts now. I Don't Think So Honey, Nicki Minaj. Now, I know what you're asking. Millie, as an unapologetic Dominican woman, are you obligated contractually to be Team Cardi? And to that I answer

yes. But first of all, you're corny, Nicki. You care about numbers. She was pressed that her album didn't make number one. You know what album didn't make number one? Carly Rae Jepsen's Emotion. And that shit still rocks, alright? Now you're asking,

did I listen to Queen? No, I didn't. Why would I listen to Queen? Negro Swan came out by Blood Orange. Bop. Astroworld by Travis Scott. That came out. That's a bop.

Mitski, Be the Cowboy is a bop. I'm not listening to Queen. Finally, Nicki Minaj endorsed Andrew Cuomo. And let me tell you, honey, I don't think so. This is Trump's America. We're doing socialism, baby. Yes!

That's one minute. When she endorsed Cuomo, I was out. That was cavalier. Thank you, Millie. And now we're having Dwayne Perkins to the mic. Dwayne. Yes, Dwayne. Overalls.

Overalls. Hi, Dwayne. Hi. Hi. What's it going to be? Pre-select. Pre-select. This is Dwayne Perkins' I Don't Think So, Honey.

His time starts now. Ooh, I don't think so, honey. People with more followers than me on social media. Yeah fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck all of y'all i have more than 5 000 i don't know first of all my social media is fantastic instagram perfect twitter absolutely stunning linkedin inaccurate so you think you're better than me because you have more followers? Why? Because strangers love you. Strangers would love me too if I was less abrasive. And if I said

nigga less, whatever. How much time left? 30, 25. 25. All right. And also, if you have less followers than me, what the fuck are you doing? Yes, work. Work harder. Step your game. 15 seconds. Content is life.

Just today, I took a photo of me doing nothing, and I was like, caption, you don't have to live to live. That is gold. Five seconds. Gold. Five seconds. Peace out,

niggas. I don't know. And that's one minute. Wow. Please retweet Dwayne Perkins. Rule number 100 of culture. You don't have to live to live. You don't have to live to live. Rule number 100.

The second rule number 100 of this evening. Thank you. All right, everyone. Give it up for multiple icon award winner from Las Colas Recess, the newly big-armed Pat Regan! I almost did my I Don't Think So Honey on Pat Regan

suddenly having arms. It's harmful and damaging to me and my family. And I want to say, shirt by Topshop, jeans by Uniqlo, body by Blink Fitness. He loves a franchise. He loves a franchise.

I don't support small business. I don't support small business. Seriously. I don't. Pat. I don't support it. At all. Excuse me. What are we doing? Are we doing pre-select or are we doing troll bowl? That's so funny you ask. I, my whole life, I've come up here and I've done pre-selected.

Yeah, he has. But now, as I get older, the planets being where they are right now. It's true. They're in such a place. I'm going to do troll bowl. Wow! Historic. Historic. Pat Regan's

first Trouble. I pick for you, bitch. Back the fuck up. I know you have arms now, but back the fuck up. It's crazy. Okay, I love this. Pat Regan, your Trouble, I don't think so, honey, is Ricky Martin!

And your time starts now! I don't think so, honey, Ricky Martin. Okay, I don't remember if you're gay or not. You should be more. He is gay? Yes. He is gay. I don't think so, honey.

Be more vocal. Be out there. I don't think so, honey, Ricky Martin. Like, you need to be writing new stuff every day. Like, I am an artist. I'm working. I'm working. If I didn't come out with new stuff, I would be out there.

I don't think so, honey, Ricky Martin. Like, you're too hot, I think. I'm, like come out with new stuff, I would be out there. I don't think so, honey, Ricky Martin. You're too hot, I think. I'm really attracted to you and you seem uninterested. I don't think so, honey. I don't think so, honey, Ricky Martin. One time I saw you on Watch What Happens Live and you were boring as fuck. I don't think so, honey, Ricky Martin.

Your music is trash. I don't think so, honey, Ricky Martin. You wear too much black. I want to see you color block more. Yes, yes, Ricky Martin, you wear too much black. I want to see you color black more. Yes, yes, yes. I don't know. 15 seconds. So, honey, Ricky Martin, you stupid bitch. You're such a fucking stupid bitch.

I can't stand you. And Ricky Martin. Five seconds. Was it him that announced his dick was small then took it back? What? Someone did that. Look it up. And that's what it is.

Something to think about with Pat Regan. It was him or Enrique. Look it up. They came out with a special condom brand for small dick condoms. They were like, it's because I have a small dick.

And then when they got made fun of, they were like, I was just kidding about that. Wow. I think that might have been Enrique. He feels like the smaller penis to me. We don't have to discuss this. This has been

Horny Singles in Your Area. With Kathryn Cohen! Anna Suzuki! Millie Tamra! Dwayne Kirkens! And the newly big-armed Pat Regan! Let's keep it moving.

We're more than halfway through the show. We're almost done. This next group is called Okay, I Need That Gown. Welcome Mo Frye Passick. Welcome the fabulous Kiko Soiree. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Welcome Katie Hartman. Welcome Natalie Walker. And Larry Owen. Yes. Oh, so the stunt queens have arrived, I see.

Wow! Wow! Give this a moment. Yes! This group is already shaking it up a little bit, and now we're going to continue to see shaking it up with Mo Fry at Passage!

Let's go. Hi. Mo, could you please tell us if you are going to do a pre-selected topic or dive into the troll bowl? Because last time you went into the troll bowl, it was messy because you got David Bowie.

This tattoo is for David Bowie. And I think that's just fun. No, and it's not even because of that experience. I I think that's just like fun. Yeah, it is. No, and it's not even because of that experience. I grew from that. I'm going to do pre-select. Pre-select, and I respect.

Yes, this is Moe Frye Connexion. I don't think so, and your time starts now. Okay. I don't think so, honey. Being a young, beautiful, gorgeous New York ingenue, and yet somehow still having a hemorrhoid? Oh! Are you kidding me?

Me? I don't think so, honey. It's like you wake up, you're having a good day, you look in the mirror, you say, I'm me. That's fantastic. And then all of a sudden you're like, ow, my asshole hurts. What's going on?

And you look down and it's like, what the fuck? And then you Google and it's like, what is a hemorrhoid? And they're like, did you mean hemorrhoid? And you're like, oh my god! 30 seconds. I don't think so, honey. It's like, if I'm gonna be rooting around in my asshole for 20 minutes, it better be for sexual gratification. Yes, agreed. It's like, I don't think

so, honey. Telling someone about it and then being like, oh, me too. I've had them before. I'm like, all of my experiences are unique! 15 seconds. Do not relate to me. You should be shocked that this body this face

has a hemorrhoid it is crazy I don't think so honey I guess I don't think so honey God

I will grow and learn from this thank you so much and that's one minute our second I don't think so honey God

and honestly a hemorrhoid it can happen to you anyone no it cannot it can happen to you

I never thought it would happen to me God God she's having a rough night God got me with a hemorrhoid? It can happen to you. Anyone. No, it cannot. It can happen to you. I never thought it would happen to me. God, God, she's having a rough night. God got me with a hemorrhoid in 2010. Oh, she did? She got me with a hemorrhoid in 2010. You ever had a hemorrhoid? No. Never? I have, um... No, never had one.

But I shit out beef stew every day. His butthole has different problems than mine. Now, please welcome to the stage... We're single, by the way. Legendary Kiko Soiree! Kiko! Miss Kiko.

Oh, hello. Hello. Kiko. Kiko Soiree, we have a question. Uh-huh. And she has an answer is it going to be a pre-selected topic or the troll ball for me I think I'll pre-select

she's got a pre-election for pre-selection this is Kiko Suarez. I don't think so, honey. Her time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Cards Against Humanity? That shit is dumb!

That is a dumb game. That is a very, very bad game. Now, I won't play any game. I won't play Go Fucking Fish. But you're telling me, when people are like, oh, let's play Card Against Humanity, I'm like, oh, I think I'll watch. Why?

Because when Apples to Apples came around, I already had an eye roll, and then we made it worse. Because it's so bad. You're telling me we're going to sit in a circle and just say gutter words? We don't need to pay $49.95 To do that I don't think so honey

Capitalism We can do that right now Someone give me an adjective ending in ing Normal one Running I'll pick a noun With my grandmother Feels like Now you say the most

gutter thing on your brain right now. Guttered. Hello? Okay, running with my grandmother feels like dick in my mouth. Hilarious! That's Cartoon Humanity. Bye!

And that's one minute! Wow. Kiko Suarez. I love describing bad words as gutter words. Gutter words. That's a gutter word. Kiko, thank you. The Real Housewives of New York City are back for another bite of the Big Apple.

Look who it is. Joined by elite new friends. Rebecca Minkoff. Have you ever heard of her? But things could change in a New York Minute. She had this wild night and ended up getting pregnant by some other guy. What? You told her? Not today, Satan.

Not today. The Real Housewives of New York City, all new Tuesdays at 9 on Bravo or stream it on City TV+. I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. Guess what, folks? We're teammates again. And we're going to welcome you guys all to Dudes on Dudes.

I'm a dude, you're a dude, and Dudes on Dudes is our brand new show. We're going to highlight players, peers, guys that we played against, legends from the past, and we're just going to sit here and talk about them. And we'll get into the types of dudes. What kind of types of dudes are there, Gronk? We got studs, wizards.

We got freaks. Or dudes dude. We got dogs. Dogs. We'll break down their games. We'll share some insider stories and determine what kind of dude each of these dudes are. Is Randy Moss a stud or a freak? Is Tom Brady a dog or a dude's dude?

We're going to find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, a five-year-old boy floated alone in the ocean. He had lost his mother trying to reach Florida from Cuba. He looked like a little angel.

I mean, he looked so fresh. And his name, Elian Gonzalez, will make headlines everywhere. Elian Gonzalez. Elian Gonzalez. Elian Gonzalez. At the heart of the story is a young boy and the

question of who he belongs with. His father in Cuba. Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or his relatives in Miami. Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. At the heart of it all is still this painful family separation. Something that as a Cuban, I know all too well. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story,

as part of the My Cultura podcast network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll. This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. We talk about guilt, shame, body image and huge life transformations.

I was a desperate delusional dreamer and the desperate part got me in a lot of trouble. I encourage delusional dreamers. desperate, delusional dreamer, and the desperate part got me in a lot of trouble. I encourage delusional dreamers. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate, delusional dreamer. I just had such an anger. I was just so mad at life. Everything that wasn't right was everybody's fault but mine. I had such a victim mentality.

I took zero accountability for anything in my life. I was the kid that if you asked what happened, I immediately started with everything but me. It took years for me to break that, like years of work. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't stunt queen Katie Hartman. Wow, wow, wow. Stunt queen. Stunt queen.

Stunt queen. Katie, what is it going to be? Okay, so here's what happened. Here is what happened. Last night, I passed out on my couch. I was very drunk, and I never pass out on my couch. I woke up in the middle of the night. I remember waking up and being like, I have a fucking great idea for I Don't Think So.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I wrote it in my phone and I fell asleep and I woke up this morning and I don't remember what I wrote and I did not look at it. Okay. So what I'm going to do, it may not make any sense. So it's a preselected, but I wrote it in a blackout dream. Okay.

She wrote it in a blackout dream. Okay, she wrote it in a blackout dream. Okay. Here we go. Enter the blackout dream void and your time starts now. I don't think so, honey. My boyfriend's penis dipped in garlic butter. You are the perfect thing

and yet if I put you in my vagina I might die of bacterial poisoning and maybe never get a yeast infection again or maybe never get a yeast infection again because garlic is anti-yeast it would be like fucking the serfs or who are the oh the savory

version of the smurfs yep anyway I'd fuck the garlic butter dick so hard and too long like 9 hours straight and then a doctor or an intern at a medical facility would be like excuse me don't do that that's too long but it would be too late

and then I would jizz a delicious herby butter comes that when you spoon it over I said I wrote porn but it should be pan seared scallops would get me 3 michelin stars I don't think so honey my boyfriend is being a stint in garlic butter I wrote porn, but it should be pan-seared scallops would get me three Michelin stars. I don't think so, honey. My boyfriend's penis dipped in garlic butter.

And that's one minute. Oh, my God. Fantastic. Absolutely. That is literally, that lives in my brain. That's what lives inside you, you freak-o. Wow. Oh, my God.

That's Katieman, everybody. And now, debuting a new do, it's Natalie Walker! Natalie! I do stan, I do stan. Oh my goodness. A Kusama-esque top. A Kusama?

Yes. Okay, what's it gonna be? How do we feel? All right. Like Uma Thurman, re Harvey Weinstein, I have to take time to formulate. And I'm just so angry. But you're angry.

So this is something that I had to formulate. So it is a pre-select. Here we go. It sounds like it's going to be a hurricane. Oh, this is Natalie Walker's I Don't Think So Honey. Her time starts now. I Don't Think So honey. Glenn Close. I have always been underwhelmed by you as an entity,

but the catalyst for my augmented vitriol this evening is that you said of the Scarlett Johansson rub-and-tug controversy, anyone should be able to play anyone. Oh, you think anyone should play anyone regardless of whether they meet any of the qualifying criteria for the role? Unsurprising take, coming from someone who did a musical without meeting the basic

qualification of being able to sing. Speaking of Sunset Boulevard, you stole and butchered those songs after Patti LuPone nailed them in the original West End production. And I believe as a cosmic retribution for this, you have had to watch women lap you in your most famous performances. Fatal Attraction, Erica Christensen did it better in Swimfan. Marquise de Mortoy in Dangerous Relay. Sarah Michelle Gellar did it better

in Cruel Intentions. And I know that your Cruella de Villa will be eclipsed by Emma Stone in the recently announced prequel. In conclusion, Glenn Close, you are the groundhog of prestige actresses. We bring you out of hibernation. You see Meryl Streep's shadow and you are the groundhog of prestige actresses. We bring you out of hibernation. You see Meryl Streep's shadow, and you are fated to another six years of winter inside it where you belong.

I don't think so, honey! And that's the one, baby! She... You went there! She did that, and she didn't even mention, after the ScarJo thing, did not even mention fucking Albert Knob. Albert Knob! Let me play a trans man. I'm a fucking woman.

Wait, best Glencoast memory. We went to go see her in Sunset Boulevard on my birthday in the worst imaginable seats, way in the top. She walks out, all we could see was her feet on top of the thing and everyone is applauding and screaming

and we were like screaming for her feet. And then she was... You guys don't care? Did you guys not care? Not for you? For me? Thanks, love ya.

Alright, Lowry Owen! Lowry Owen! Thanks, love ya Alright, Larry Owen Does anyone still wear a gown? It's the theme Everybody rise Okay, Larry Rise

Rise Alright, talk about What are we gonna do? It's true It's true. We're going to troll. It's true. It's true. It's true.

I'm picking a good one. The good ones are on the bottom. Okay, they sink. I picked it. I picked it. Here we go. Your I Don't Think So Honey topic is Jean Benet Ramsey. And it's to us now.

I don't think so, honey. JonBenet Ramsey. I could give less than one millionth of a fuck about any white bitch. Do you know what the fuck the black American has been through and continues to exist under? Your fucking tabloid ass, headline ass, 60-minute ass, clickbait in the age of now ass will not get me. Fuck that bitch and fuck you who think that I will not eviscerate that bitch on stage right now. 30 seconds! Jean Benet Ramda.

What are you, a fucking drag queen? You better fucking death drop out of heaven to your second death, because I'm shooting you down, bitch. 15 seconds. How much time? I don't motherfucking think so, honey. I don't think so, honey. I don't think so, honey.

I don't think so, honey. Five seconds and that's one minute. Sometimes the world just gives you a gift. You know what I mean? The world says, here, a gift. Give it up for, okay, I need that gift. Mo, Brian, Passe. Kiko Suarez.

Katie Hartman. Natalie Walker. And Larry Owens. Wow. True fucking freaks. Freaks. Freaks of nature. Let's welcome this next group. They are called

OnlyFans.com Welcome Dave Mazzoni. Welcome Sam Tucker. Max Witter. And Gabe Gonzalez. And Joe Castle Baker. Wow.

They all have OnlyFans.com accounts. You can watch them jack off for like 40 bucks. Sure. Dave Mazzoni! Dave, Dave, I love. Okay, Orange, come on in. Yes, she's serving orange tonight.

Serving orange. Talk to me about pre-selected topic or trouble. What do you think? I have a pre-selected topic. It's been semi-addressed, but I'm going to go in it in a brand new way. Yes, honey. POVs. Everyone has one.

This is Dave and Sonny's I Don't Think So Honey. It's time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Lady Gaga's character in A Star Is Born being named Ally. This is Lady fucking Gaga, okay? Like, Ally is like

a barista. Ally like, has a party when her parents are out of town and the cops came, but we all ran, and it was fine. Like, Ally is a niece, you know? 30 seconds. Ally is not the name of Lady fucking Magoogle's character in A Star is Born. I want Esmeralda.

When I think Gaga, I think Candelabra. I think, like, long 3,000 year backstory. I don't want a girl named Allie who like doesn't like to sing her own song. So I don't think so honey the name of Allie. It should be Stefani or something better

but I'll still be there and if it's bad you'll never see me again. That's one minute. You gotta leave town if it's bad. Wow. Allie is a cousin. Rule number 25 of culture. One minute. You gotta leave town if it's bad. Wow. You have to go. Allie is a cousin. Rule number 25 of culture.

Allie is a cousin. And the niece is a niece. Is a niece, yes. I'm so sorry, Dave. Please welcome Sam Allie Taggart. Sam Taggart. Oh, you bitch. Samuel. Oh, you bitch.

You are a bitch. Damn. You look so stunning tonight. Shut up. You look like so good. You look so amazing, Sam. I look like trash. Shut up. You look so good. You look so amazing, Sam. I look like trash. Shut up.

You look so good. I look bad. Everyone knows it. Everyone's talking about it. Oh, my God. You look so stunning. No, I can hear the whispers. You've never looked better, babe.

You've never looked better. Sam, what are you going to do? Here's the fucked up part. Oh, my God. What's fucked up about it? I'm honestly going to do preselected. Oh, okay. You fucked up, bitch.

I'm a freak. Okay. Sam Taggart, he's a freak because I don't think somebody's'm a freak. Sam Taggart, he's a freak. Because I don't think so when his time starts now. Okay. I do not think so, honey. A core that is unengaged. Slay, queen.

An unengaged core. Here's the thing. I know what you're thinking. You're like, I'm at the gym, I'm doing biceps. Like, what am I doing with the rest of my body? It can relax, right? I'm working on my arms no no you have to keep that court engaged the whole time and like look and I know what you're thinking like oh like he's being so preachy and like no like I'm not telling

you this just to like here's the thing like I work with children and every single day I tell them look it's never too young to start working on your core like you have to focus and just keep it engaged And what's really really cool about all of it is like even sitting in your chair right now You can be engaging that core and like people think oh, it it's so hard. But I simply don't think so, honey. An unengaged core, get it engaged. And that's what I'm in it.

Oh my god, Sam. The whole time I was so slouched and I wasn't engaging my core. I don't think so, honey. It's actually so important and I'm not even trying to be preachy. I know. I'm not pulling my way back.

Guys, everyone sit up. Engage your core. Engage your cores right now. Yes. Everyone engage their core. Good. Great, great, great job. It's so important.

Next, welcome to the mic, Max Witter. Max. Oh, Max. Okay. It's fall. We get it. It's fall. We get it.

It's fall. Actually, that's... Okay. Yes. Yes. Okay get it. It's fall. Actually, that's... Okay. Yeah! Yes! Okay. Yes! Wow.

Soleil! Soleil! Actually, I'm sorry. I just wear it better. Sorry, I forget. All right, Max. No, actually, it is really hot. Actually, I...

Max. No, should I just wear... Okay, fine. What? It's fall. It's fall. Okay. What are we going to do?

I'm going to do... I had a brief moment just now. You had a flirtation with it. I know. It was like, you know, like a gorgeous... I made this. It was sort of like a...

He blew it. I glass blew it. It was like, you know, like really still water and you like see your like shimmering reflection. Yeah, yeah, I know that. I've been there.

Lick the mic. Oh, my God. So did Julio. Congratulations. But you know what, Max? Hi. Max, that water that's still is stagnant, so don't do that. Don't do it.

Oh, so don't do the trouble. Don't do it. Okay, Max, it sounds like we're doing pre-selected. I'm doing, wait, what? It sounds like we're doing pre-selected. Yes, yes, sorry. Okay, great. I'm doing, wait, what? It sounds like we're doing pre-selected. Yes, yes, sorry. Okay, great. I'm, sorry, verklempt.

Verklempt. This is Max Witterts. I don't think so, honey. His time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Apples. Why are they so heavy when you put them in a bag? One apple in my hand, light as a feather.

Two apples in my hand, light as two feathers. Three apples in a bag is a fucking bowling ball. I tried to pick up a bag full of five apples and my fingers got ripped off and they sprayed blood everywhere. Why is it that I can't pick up a bag full of five apples and yet

an apple pie that has 29 apples in it is light as a feather. I can hold that on my fingertip, spin it around and eat it in one setting. That's fucking ridiculous. Also, fuck apple culture in general. I don't like that apples are constantly like sycophantically vying

to be like the symbol of fall that belongs to the pumpkin. That is the pumpkin's life or not. You know what? And you can't beat the gorgeous lumpy drama that is a pumpkin. So I don't think so, honey crisp. And that's one minute.

I don't think so, honey crisp. I don't think so, honey crisp. I actually agree. I don't think so, honey apples, but I deeply do think so, honey apple cinnamon. Oh. Right? Apple cinnamon could suck me.

I love apple cinnamon. He's so sick of apples, sycophantically vying to be the symbol of fall. That honor belongs to the gorgeous lumpiness of pumpkin. The pros. Thank you, bitch. Thank you. The tapestry of words.

And now it is time for Gabe Gonzalez. Gabe. Come on, Slay. All right, Gabe. What are we doing? A pre-select topic or the troll bowl? So I've dipped my dick into the troll bowl before.

You did dick the dip. I did. I dick the dib the dib. I'm doing pre-select. Pre-select. Sounds good. This is Gabe Gonzalez's I Don't Think So Honey as time starts now. I don't think so

honey, FEMA. Because y'all showed your asses when you made the same mistake my gringo ex-boyfriend made in college. You pissed off a Puerto Rican. Ask him how that worked out. I don't think so honey, FEMA. Don't tell me you can't bring supplies

to Puerto Rico on a plane when my grandmother regularly makes that flight with her carry-on, a cake for someone's baptism, two soup pots, and a roast chicken wrapped in foil riding coach on American. 30 seconds. I don't think so, honey, FEMA,

because several real housewives did your job better than you. Bethany Frankel has the time to invent skinny bitch vodka and help the Puerto Rican people. What have you done with your life? 15 seconds. 15 seconds. I don't think so, honey. Honey, FEMA, because if your raggedy ass ancestors had enough weapons to bring across the ocean in 1898 to colonize Puerto Rico. Five seconds.

There is no excuse for not being able to bring food and supplies in 2017. I don't think so, honey, Fima. Because I bet you think you can still shake your ass to Jenny from the block. She is Puerto Rican, so I think the fuck not.

What? There we go, bitch. Digging in verse, honey. Bethany Frankel is showing you up, Fima. Speaking in verse, honey. Gay Gonzalez. Destiny Frankel is showing you up, Fimo. Wow. And that's the tea. Everyone, give it up for Joe Castlebaker!

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What do we want to do? What do we think? Okay, so I feel like this is such a huge risk. I'm about to take on, like on full-on bareback sex, but I'm going to do the troll bowl right now.

He's going raw, baby. We're going raw. We're going raw. Here we go. Your I Don't Think So Honey topic is Denzel Washington. Okay, Denzel Washington. Denzel Washington. Okay, Denzel Washington. Denzel Washington. I have seen maybe one movie

in my life, period. And it wasn't a Denzel Washington movie. So culturally, I have zero point of reference from now on for the next 45 seconds. Denzel Washington, anyone name a movie he was in. Flight.

I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. Equalizer. Equalizer. Haven't seen it. Training Day. Training Day. Haven't seen it.

Remember the Titans. Okay, if Denzel Washington played a gay man in Brooklyn, Philadelphia. Philadelphia! He did, he did. I haven't seen it. That's the thing.

That's the thing that's so crazy. Glory! I haven't seen any of it. I haven't seen movies, period. Yeah, Denzel Washington. Actually, you know what? I actually like Denzel Washington. I realized just now.

I actually like Denzel Washington. I'm coming around now. I'm going to go home and watch like Denzel Washington. I realized just now. I actually like Denzel Washington. I'm coming around now. I'm going to go home and watch a Denzel Washington movie. Bye-bye. And that's one minute. That's my minute. You know what? Yes.

We saw a full arc. We saw a full arc. Full arc. Someone who didn't know any movies he was in, and now he's going to go see one. He's going to go watch one. And that is education. That is OnlyFans.com. Give it up for Dave Mazzoni.

Give it up for Sam Taggart. And Joe Castlebaker. Okay, we're almost done. This next group is Scrub-a-dub-dub-bish. Welcome, Sarah Tolomache. Give it up for Rebecca O'Neill.

Oh no, wait, Rachel Jarowski. Give it up for Rachel Pegram. And give it up for Lisa Traeger. Yes. Hello. Hi, hi, hi. It is time for Sarah Tolomach.

Come on, Sarah. Sarah, what's it going to be? What do you think? I'm going to go with preselected. Preselected. This is Sarah Tolomach. I don't think so. Your time starts now. All right.

I don't think so, honey. Buying things online. Is this really convenient? I feel like I'm always in a six-month loop of returning things. It's like a passive-aggressive haunting that I've invited into my house.

I, you know, like, First of all, I always have to figure out a game plan of how I'm going to return this item this time around. Where it's like, can you print this label? I'm like, I would, but I don't have ink right now for my printer. And I don't feel like buying it at the store because I can't remember 20 serial numbers. And if I did buy it online, I just wouldn't receive it because I can't remember 20 serial numbers. And if I did buy it online, I just wouldn't receive it because I don't have a doorman. So now I have to go to Kinko's and print up a

label to return a piece of shit item I don't care about that was quite deceitful, what I didn't want. And I'm standing behind some crazy guy that's photocopying his headshots, where I'm like, if you have to photocopy your headshots in a Kinko's you're not gonna make it it is so annoying Kinko's is a place for crazy people only the homeless shelter

it's crazy over there. And that's one thing. I don't know. I'm going to close. Thank you so much. Yes. I agree. Also, I don't want to get anything in the mail. No. Because then I have to be, I don't think so many people are signing for things.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Just put it in the fucking thing. Put it in the fucking thing. Everyone, welcome Rebecca O'Neil. Ooh, baby, baby, baby. Hello, hello, hello. How are you? Rebecca, what's up? Prince on top, prince on bottom. Prince on top, auntie fashion for life. Let's do it. Yes, auntie fashion. Are we doing pre-selected

or the troll bowl? I did troll bowl last time, and I've messed up. No, you did not. I picked out Elizabeth Warren and I roasted Gabby Giffords for a minute because all white politicians look the same to me don't call me crazy okay i respect so i'm going pre-selected i won't make the same mistake twice okay all right i don't think so any of your time i'm coming for a new york culture i don't think so honey bodegas let's's do it. I moved here from Chicago a year ago. Okay? From the murder capital. Okay, we have

delis and we have corner stores, but they are two separate commercial enterprises, okay? At a bodega in Chicago, there's no people cooking in the kitchen. There's people cooking here, which is quaint and a little unsanitary. I don't think so, honey, okay? At a bodega in Chicago, you can get the shit I like.

You can get a blunt. You can get a cool beverage. You can get a warm orange. Shit like that. Room temperature citrus, okay? But I don't think so, honey. I got a gripe with New York bodegas. Why do the bodega dudes ask what you want on your sandwich if they're going to do whatever the fuck they feel anyway?

15 seconds. It's true. That's phony. Like, be real. ask what you want on your sandwich if they're going to do whatever the fuck they feel. Anyway! That's phony. Be real. Call yourself a tastemaker, a concierge, and shit like that. I don't think so, honey. This is a fat gripe, but that's cool with me. I'm done. Bye. That's one hit. Becca O'Neal.

Yes. That is one freaking minute. It's true. They do whatever they want with the sandwich it's lawless it's anarchy in the bodegas welcome to the mic Rachel Dorofsky yes Ray J here we go

how do we feel about the decision that is yours hold on I gotta You're from Chicago. I'm also from Chicago. Let's talk high schools later. CPS? Peyton? Whitney Young?

Hell yeah! This is relevant to only us two. New Trier. New Trier. Boo! CPS. Okay. Today's my birthday.

I just want to say that. Happy birthday, Rachel! Birthday queen! I just want to say that. Birthday queen. I just want to say that out loud. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Now, are we doing on this birthday? I wrote a little something something

because I'm a writer at heart. A writer at heart. We have the written word courtesy of Rachel Jorofsky. And her time starts now. Okay, I don't think so, honey Okay, I don't think so, honey, having I don't think so, honey, on my birthday.

All right? Commemorating my day of birth by gathering all the comedians I respect most in NYC, or as I like to call it, the big-ass motherfucking apple. I don't think so, honey. Okay?

Birthdays! Birthdays! Oh, no! Rachel! Rachel, take it. Birthdays are meant to be celebrated in solitude where I can think about who I once was, who I am, and who I ultimately will become. Okay?

Making a... Planning a birthday party and masquerading it as a comedy show, even though it was likely booked months in advance? I don't think so, honey. And five seconds. What did I do last year? I thought about what I was going to do about insurance

because I was getting off my parents, and I don't think so, audience, now calculating how old I am. That's one minute. That's one minute. Put that over there. That's where it goes now. That's his new home. Rachel DeRoss,

everyone on the bird. And give it up for Rachel P. Grubb. Wow. Oh my god, thank you. The winner of the Gauntlet Zougag in San Francisco at FlushFS.

The winner of that prestigious title. Handpicked by Alaska Thunderfuck and Jinx Monsoon. Well, here we go. I hope it translates. What are we doing? It's gonna be pre-select This is Rachel Pegram's I Don't Think So Honey Our time starts now

I don't think so honey Babies that come out with hair Okay Bitch go back inside I don't want you full of hair You're a full ass human If I have a baby that comes out with a full head of hair I'ma ship shipping off to school.

Cause that is a what? Adult. That is an adult. That bitch been in there too damn long. Was it nine months? Was it 10? It wasn't, isn't a whole year old. And don't get me started on teeth.

If that baby comes out with teeth, if a baby has teeth, when it comes out, if it can nod its way out, you gotta let it go. 30 seconds. Yes, you heard me right. I am permitting killing babies. If your baby comes out with hair and teeth,

it didn't deserve to live. Because it is a mutant. I want my babies like bowling balls, soft, and only have the three normal holes they should. Round, you know, whatever. Five seconds.

Whatever. Listen, baby ass babies, babies should be fucking babies, you know? Babies should be babies and they should not be able to do anything else but be soft and round and simple and dumb and not be able to talk and oh my God, if I see a baby that opens its eyes, I'll let it go down the river. That's one minute. Let it go down the river at that one minute let it go down the river that baby could become moses and rise up against you wow wow we know the tale of moses we know welcome to the stage lisa trager yeah hi baby how's it going?

So good, you guys look great You look so good, I love the belt It's a harness It's a harness Listen, what are we thinking? I'm troll bowling Troll bowl I love when they do that

Alright, here we go Okay, your I don't think So Honey Troll Ball topic is Billie Jean King. And your time starts now. Wow. Wow. I need a moment. I mean, I think she can have better hair.

I'll start there. I think it's like a mini baby mullet, like the lamb chop mom. So I don't like that. Little round glasses, that's a weird trend. I don't think she should be doing that. She did look athletic on the court. I don't know.

I wish she had more drama. She's kind of boring. Why isn't there a drug addiction? Why isn't there a secret love affair? Why you're just following the rules and just playing? That's kind of stupid. But I'm glad she beat that

guy. I really didn't say enough bad things. Five seconds. Do you have a chance? Oh, God. I wish she was in this I mean in my... I wish I could see her play. So fuck you

for being old, bitch. That's one minute. Billie Jean King roasted tonight by Lisa Trager. She's pretty unimpeachable. She's great. Sarah Talamash, everybody. Rebecca O'Neal. Shinobi Alon.

Rachel Pegram. Rachel Jorofsky and Lisa Trager. We have to make a last minute change. Now welcome to the final group of the night. Are we ready for this? This group is called Jack Twist, Jack Nasty.

And it is Shinobi Alarge, X Mayo, Alex Song, Lorelai Ramirez, and Michael Hartney. Here we go. Oh, and maybe Lorelai Ramirez and Michael Hartney. Here we go. Oh, and maybe Lorelai is not here.

That's okay. Do we not have Lorelai? That's okay. Let's get it going with... Shinobi Large! Shinobi Large! Nobi, what's it going to be? Come on, Nobi.

I'm doing pre-select. Pre-selected topic. This is Shinobi Large's I Don't Think So, Honey. Your time starts so your time starts now okay i don't think so honey white people wearing red hats listen i need to be able to tell from a distance whether or not we fuck with each other whoever made the the design on that maga hat made the the font too thin so you gotta be real close i can't tell whether or not you're a hipster or you're a racist. The same thing goes for those neo-Nazi haircuts, you know, with the shaved sides and the long on top. I looked around and I saw a few of y'all out there.

Yes, it's over for that. Okay, listen, white people, I know you feel that my people, gay people, black people, that we're taking your roles and your opportunities and your privileges, and I'm here to take another one from you, okay? okay listen white people I know you feel that my people gay people black people that were taking your roles and your opportunities and your privileges and I'm here to take another one from you okay yeah no more red hats no more red hats no more neo-nazi haircuts and no Tucker Brian uh Ryan all y'all no you cannot say nigga that's for Five seconds. I don't think so, honey. White people making racist signifiers trendy. No more red hats. No more red hats!

No more red hats! Shinobi Alarm! I don't care if it says love on it. Red hats are cancelled forever. Make America gay again. No! It's not funny! You know who is fucking funny? X! My ass! X! My ass! No, it's not funny. You know who is fucking funny? X, my ex.

X, my ex. Yes, I am obsessed. X, what's your name? Yes, I must drop it. I am not that brave. No trouble. I must do preselected. It's time for preselected.

Come on, X. I don't think so. Her time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Lord of the Rings. Okay? I just saw that shit, and it took that motherfucker six hours to get a motherfucking ring, and the bitch didn't even have diamonds on it.

And the shit, first of all, that little Gandalf, little crackhead motherfucker, every time that motherfucker popped out, I was like, get your old Bobby Brown ass, Whitney Houston cracked out ass, Gandalf, he the only ally in all this shit, don't get me started on these motherfucking hobbits, all they like is ass, titties, and weed, they got fucking new balances for motherfucking feet, and then there's not one motherfucking black person, we don't even sweep, we don't take care of the kids. And then, who is that? That Aragorn elf bitch? Oh my God.

Every time she pop up, I'm like, bitch, solve the problem or leave. What are you doing? The fuck are you doing? And Frodo never got a motherfucking manicure. Them shits look so bad. And who's the other one? Who's the bitch?

Shit. He was making all the little half animal, half people. Galadriel Arlen? He was fuck Diablo. That's what the fuck I'm going to call him. He was the demon. I liked his hair. I really did.

I liked his hair. I really did. Oh, my God. Galadriel. Galadriel, also known as that Aragorn elf bitch. Give it up for Alex Sock!

Alex! Alex! Hi! We bought that shirt at the Gaga show. We went to see Gaga together last summer. Yes, and it rained, right? Yes.

It rained, and Gaga said, free production value. It's free production. Yes. Wow, yes. Free production. She's the queen. She's the queen. Now, listen.

What are we thinking? Is it a pre-selected time, or is it the troll bowl? Last time I was here, I came on stage, and I asked you, what is a troll bowl? Yeah. And then you found out. And we found out. I'm going to do pre-selected. Pre-selected.

Alex Song's I Don't Think So, Honey. Her time starts now. All right. I don't think so, honey, putting on a brave face. Now, a little back story about where this came from is I got the email from Matt. I woke up in the middle of the night, which was 6 a.m. For me, that's the middle of the night, and I wrote down, I don't think so, honey, putting on a brave face, and I put my phone away, and now we're back. We're on

stage. So here we are. 30 seconds. I don't think so, honey, putting on a brave face. Who do you think you are? Toni Collette? I get it. Yeah. And that's the one joke I wrote. Let's do some crowd work, huh?

How's everybody doing? Is everybody excited for the fall? It's the first day of fall. Five seconds of crowd work! Wow! I'm doing okay today. Thank you! And that's one minute! Alex

song. Ooh, baby. Wow. And now, please welcome Michael Hartney! Michael! Hello, Michael! Hello, Michael. Hi, Michael. Hi, fellas.

Hello. Michael tweeted about his topic. He did not reveal it, but he gave a little preview. He said it's something that his boyfriend is doing and that he hates it. Well, here we go. Let's burn this relationship bridge, bitch. This is Michael Hartney's I Don't Think So Honey, and his time starts now! I don't think so, honey. People who send me text messages consisting solely of the letter K.

Are you trying to start World War III? That's... I am disinclined to think so, huntries. I deserve an O.

Oh. When I get a text that says okay, I read okay. When I get a text that says K, I read you, Michael, are a subhuman cum stain. Undeserving of love or an O. 30 seconds. This will not stand, motherfucker. How long does it take? How long does it take?

O, O, O, O, oh, oh, oh! I just did it so many times! Maybe it is not the time saver you're claiming it to be, but rather a nefarious microaggression designed to make me feel small. Five seconds! Look down,

bitch! It's me! I'm gonna kick you in the fucking dick with my fucking flagellum! Tay? I don't think so, honey. And that's one minute!

Now, everyone remain seated because there is going to be one more I don't think so, honey, and I just texted him that he's doing this. Because we had a dropout, there is room for one more I don't Think So Honey, and I just texted him that he's doing this. Because we had a dropout, there is room for one more I Don't Think So Honey, and it is coming courtesy of

HBJ, Hot Producer Joe, Joe Celia! Hot Producer Joe! Woo! Wow! I'm so excited, because he sits with us every day while we record, and the bitch is moving to LA soon, and I'm so excited. Because he sits with us every day while we record, and the bitch is moving to L.A. soon,

and I'm so fucking devastated. Yes, we're giving him this platform. But we have this platform. I know he's got I Don't Think So Honey locked and loaded, and it is time. For Joe Celia's I Don't Think So Honey, and it's time. Wait, is it preselected or the troll ball? Oh, it's preselected now.

And his time starts now. I don't think so, honey. People who look at me and say, you're HPJ? Sorry, I'm not Alex, everybody. So people, no, is it sad? No, it's funny. I'm fine, I'm fine.

But we all try so hard, don't we? And these fellows, some of my best friends, Matt and Bowen, were nice enough, essentially, to give me the funny moniker, Hot Producer Joe. It's funny. It's nice. It's in the world of the show. And then I go to fucking LA, where apparently, yes, spill the beans,

I'm moving, and everyone goes, you're HPJ? I'm trying. We do our best. I'm too busy producing Las Culturistas to go to the fucking fitness, Pat Regan. I'm trying. We do our best. I'm too busy producing Las Culturistas to go to the fucking fitness, Pat Regan. I'm sorry. I'm doing my

goddamn... Guys, it's funny. I feel fine. My beautiful girlfriend's here. It's all good. Five seconds. It's funny. It's funny. I love Matt. I love Bowen. This is very sweet. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you for coming. Thank you for listening.

Thank you to our talent. Subscribe, rate, and review. And tell other people, you're HP. You're HP. You're HP. Okay? HPC, HPD, HPL. I'm doing my best. And that's

one minute and 30 seconds that's HPJ wow wow wow thank you to this group Jack Twist, Jack Nasty Shinobi Allure, X-Mail Alex Dung

and Michael and Joe Celio HPJ wow we are running 30 minutes over time so we are going to leave you right here. Thank you so much to the Brooklyn Comedy Festival. We love you. My name is Matt Rogers. My name is Tony.

Give it up for all your performers tonight. Have a great night. Bye. Forever Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit

foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news

by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team and liking our page on Facebook. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez was found off the coast of Florida. And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba? Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home, and he wanted to take his son with him. Or stay with his father in Cuba. Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or stay with his relatives in Miami. Imagine that your mother died trying to get you

to freedom. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Every week we're discussing our favorite players of all times, from legends to our buddies to current stars. We're finally answering the age-old question, what kind of dudes are these dudes? We're going to find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Cheryl Swoops. And I'm Tarika Foster-Brasby. And on our new podcast, we're talking about the real obstacles women face day to day. Because no matter who you are, there are levels to what we experience as women. And T and I have no problem going there. Listen to Levels to This with Sheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster-Brasby, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports

and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll.

This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. I was a desperate delusional dreamer. Be a delusional dreamer.

Just don't be a desperate delusional dreamer. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one.