Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - "I Don't Think So, Honey! 9" (Part One)
Episode Date: December 12, 2018The 9th installment of “I Don’t Think So, Honey!” Live is here! Part One featuring: Ian Lockwood, Jes Tom, Carmen Lagala, Charlie Todd, Cody Lindquist, Griffin Leeds, Lisa Kleinman, Casey Jost, ...Amanda Giobbi, Becky Abrams, Julia Claire, Michael Delisle, Margaret Dodge, Andrew Fafoutakis, Jeena Bloom, Jenny Rachel Weiner, Halle Kiefer, Liz Arcury, Rachel Sennott, Miles Robbins, Geraldine Viswanathan, Ali Kolbert, Krystyna Hutchinson, Melinda Taub, and Courtney Soliday. Hosted by Matt Rogers & special guest co-host Pat Regan!---MERCH! MERCH! GET YOUR LAS CULTURISTAS MERCH!https://www.teepublic.com/stores/las-culturistasSUBSCRIBE ON APPLE PODCASTS TODAY!LAS CULTURISTAS IS A FOREVER DOG PODCAST. LAS CULTURISTAS IS PRODUCED BY EMMA FOLEY.http://foreverdogproductions.com/fdpn/podcasts/las-culturistas/ Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City are back.
I love that.
I love that.
Oh my gosh.
Welcome.
And last season's drama was just the tip of the iceberg.
You're recording us?
I am disgusted.
Never in a million years after everything we've been through
did I think that you would reach out to our sworn enemy.
We were friends.
How could you do this to me?
I don't trust her.
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.
Wednesdays at 9 on Bravo.
Or stream it on City TV+.
Curious about queer sexuality, cruising, and expanding your horizons?
Hit play on the sex-positive and deeply entertaining podcast,
Sniffy's Cruising Confessions.
Join hosts Gabe Gonzalez and Chris Patterson Rosso
as they explore queer sex, cruising, relationships, and culture
in the new iHeart podcast, Sniffy's Cruising Confessions.
Sniffy's Cruising Confessions will broaden minds
and help you pursue your true goals.
You can listen to Sniffy's Cruising Confessions,
sponsored by Gilead, now on the iHeartRadio app
or wherever you get your podcasts.
New episodes every Thursday.
Do you ever wonder where your favorite foods come from?
Like what's the history behind bacon-wrapped hot dogs?
Hi, I'm Eva Longoria.
Hi, I'm Maite Gomez-Rejon.
Our podcast, Hungry for History, is back.
And this season, we're taking in a bigger bite
out of the most delicious food and its history.
Seeing that the most popular cocktail is the margarita,
followed by the mojito from Cuba,
and the piña colada from Puerto Rico.
Listen to Hungry for History on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I'm NK, and this is Basket Case.
What is wrong with me?
A show about the ways that mental illness is shaped by not just biology,
swaps of different meds,
but by culture and society.
By looking closely at the conditions that cause mental distress,
I find out why so many of us are struggling to feel sane,
what we can do about it, and why we should care.
Listen to Basket Case every Tuesday on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey everybody, I just know you're going to come see my show Have You Heard of Christmas at the Duplex. This is Matt. Hey, everybody.
I just know you're
going to come see my
show.
Have you heard of
Christmas at the
Duplex?
This is Matt, by the
way, and there's still
tickets available for
Saturday, December 15th
and Saturday, December
22nd.
So please come.
You can get tickets at
purplepass.com.
I would be very, very
grateful to see you
guys there.
And if you can't come,
you have to give me a
gift.
I like Everlane stuff bye
hey guys this is matt and i just want to tell you about a new forever dog podcast
network staple and that is a new pod called this is what democracy pods like and this is going to
be one of your new favorite podcasts i'm actually sitting here with one of the hosts former lost
culturistas guest billy domino. Billy Domino, say something.
I haven't done anything since that episode of Lost Cultures.
I'm structurally unemployed.
And with that, check out This Is What Democracy Pods Like, also hosted by Oscar Montoya and Kate Friedman, who are right now late to this recording of our episode featuring me.
We're going to talk about everything on this podcast.
We're going to talk about democracy.
We're going to talk about what it's like to be in a democracy.
We're going to talk about what it's like to hold democratic views and then to work to uphold them in a democracy.
What?
If you were to combine Pod Save America and Pod Save America, you would get This Is What Democracy Pods like On the Forever Dog Podcast Network
Hosted by
Billy Domino
Oscar Montoya
And Kate Friedman
And featuring
On an episode
Fucking me
Jay Leno
Oh you
You yes
Matt Rogers
Are you guys
Going to get Jay Leno
We've got him
So many times
He keeps coming back
In a new car
Every time
We start recording
In the outside studio
We hear beep beep.
Hey, come on, look at this car.
You just got a horn.
You just need a steam engine.
Have a look.
Oh, Jay.
Look, man.
Oh, I see.
Wow.
Bowen, look over there.
Wow.
Is that culture?
Yes.
Goodness.
Wow.
Las Culturistas.
Las Culturistas.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
Please welcome Matt Rogers and Pat Regan. this okay oh okay hold on ding dong last culture east is calling i was gonna see if you even knew it i knew it even though i don't listen to the podcast unless i'm on or i mentioned no i actually
that was gonna be the first thing i asked by By the way, my name is Matt Rogers.
And my name is Pat Reagan.
Hi.
The way that I usually start the show is by asking who listens to the podcast or who listens to Las Culturistas.
Oh my God.
And then I was like thinking, thank you, by the way.
I was thinking, I guarantee Pat does not listen to this podcast.
I don't listen to any podcast. I guarantee you listen by the way. I was thinking, I guarantee Pat does not listen to this podcast. I don't listen to any podcast.
I guarantee you listen to your own.
Sometimes I do.
If I'm on a podcast or I'm mentioned, I listen.
After I'm mentioned, I stop listening.
Unless it feels like it might come back in.
Welcome to our seminar in narcissism.
Do you ever do the thing where you hit 15, 15, 15
and so you hear yourself talk?
I live in that space.
I don't do that.
That was a guess for him.
I don't do that.
I don't do that.
I'm so thrilled to be here and kind of pitch in.
I don't know why Bowen was unwilling to do the show.
I feel like it begs
the question, like, I guess I want to take
an audience poll. Do you guys think
that Bowen is A, busy at
work tonight with his new
best friend Claire Foy,
looking forward to their podcast,
or
do you think that we finally
killed him and I finally won?
Took my rightful place as the La Culturista
Bowen is
the queen
I'm Emma Stone
and you're
the other one. Rachel Weisz? Yeah
That's how you feel at least
That's how you feel. Oh wait you feel that I am
you feel this way? That I am Rachel Weisz?
Actually no You can get the merch now. I got a cute little Rachel, at least. That's how he feels. Oh, wait. You feel that I am... You feel this way? That I am Rachel Weisz? Actually, no.
You can get the merch now.
I got a cute little pillow with you feel this way on it.
I don't know.
Pillow.
Who knew?
You're Rachel.
I'm...
No, you're Emma.
I'm Rachel.
You feel this way.
Okay.
You feel that you are the schemer out of the two of us?
No, no.
I just switched how I felt.
Oh.
So, you're Emma.
This is like very the queen
right now. Maybe I am the queen
in a way.
Now that you say that, maybe that's how I feel.
I think you are the queen, although I don't
think that Bone and I compete to curry
favor with you.
That's Sooty and Catherine.
Anyways. But anyways,
we did see the favorite together
which is why you're getting all this favorite yes we have one guy in the front like this
snapping for the fave um did you guys like the favorite i love that we're talking like this is
a gay podcast you know because like we're not like did you guys like venom we're like did you
guys like the favorite um i didn't know did you guys like The Favourite?
I didn't know what The Favourite was until you told me, do you want to see The Favourite?
And I said, what is that?
And you said, a movie.
And I said, sure!
It's so important to just get out and not isolate.
And that's why The Favourite really is helpful.
Yeah.
It's a good tool to get kids out of the house, the favorite. My issue with the favorite is that...
We're doing reviews.
We're doing reviews.
Are we?
Or are we not?
Let's do reviews.
Okay.
I felt like this film was enjoyable.
Great so far.
At some...
Though it did at some...
At certain points, it was three hours long, I felt.
Like, the runtime was two hours and one minute,
but at certain points, it was three hours long, I felt. The run time was two hours and one minute, but at certain points it was three hours long.
And that was hard for me
as someone who struggles to pay attention
to even anything.
Never mind lesbians.
I actually had a difficult...
I had a difficult time with the favorite
because this is me with all Oscar movies.
After they're over,
I don't know if I actually
am trying so hard
to like them
so that smart gay Twitter TM
doesn't get horribly upset with me.
Totally.
Or if I really enjoy myself
at the cinema
and I feel that I enjoy myself
at the cinema
and I think Emma Stone
gave her tour de force.
And I think she's the MVP.
For me, my Emma Stone movie is still easy A.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
And as someone who did meet Penn Badgley in my former customer service position.
I love Penn Badge.
I do love Penn Badge.
He wasn't like, he wasn't hot anymore when I saw him.
And that's,
and guess what?
Like,
that's okay.
Wait,
he did.
Okay.
I'm not going to say it because you know,
hot is subjective.
They say.
They say.
I'm just saying.
They say.
People are saying this right now.
People are saying this right now.
Current events are happening right now. As we speak. And'm just saying. They say. People are saying this right now. People are saying this right now. Current events are happening right now as we speak.
And they are saying this, which is that.
Hop.
It's a red top.
It's a red top.
And also, I do believe that Penn Badgley was once irresistible to me.
And now I feel that maybe I'm a Chase Crawford gay.
Yeah.
Okay. Hey, guess what? Wow. That earned a Chase Crawford gay. Yeah. Okay.
Hey, guess what? Everyone's safe here.
Everyone's safe here.
I, for me, in my experience around Penn Badgley,
he was, at one point, I feel
irresistible to me.
Now, absolutely, I would suck
his dick. I am able
to resist him today.
You would suck his dick, but you wouldn't resist him today. You would suck
his dick, but
you wouldn't have to.
It would not be a compulsion. It would be a choice
today. Whereas, let me tell you something.
This is 2008.
I'm sucking that dick and it doesn't matter what
I feel. It's not a choice.
In 2008, it wouldn't be a choice.
In 2008, not a choice. In 2008, it
wasn't a choice to suck Penn Badgley's dick.
And that's actually a rule of culture.
It's rule of culture number 71.
In 2008, it wasn't a choice to suck Penn Badgley's dick.
I feel like my back is to y'all.
Hey, it's thick over here.
Are you guys comfy?
Great.
Cool.
I'm really comfy in my Everlane denim jacket.
And you can use the promo code dingdong at everlane.com for some percent off.
Stitcher Premium.
That's one of them.
And I'm comfortable.
This piece was $10 at Uniqlo.
It did come in a packet.
There is no promo code, but it was $10.
So in a way, you don't even need one.
There was drama backstage because a Forever Dog produce asked if I was wearing Everlane.
And I said, what?
And she said, Everlane.
And I said, what?
And you didn't know Everlane?
And then I come to find out that Everlane is sponsoring Forever Dog.
And I've not been told.
Where have you been?
It's taken us by absolute storm.
I have yet to be taken by storm by Everlane.
I'm still sifting through the packets of teas at Uniqlo.
You are awaiting the storm.
I'm awaiting the storm.
You are.
Currently, your status is awaiting the storm.
And that's actually a beautiful fucking space to be.
Yeah.
To know the storm is coming
and to sit on the beach
like Taylor Leone
in Deep Impact.
Las Culturistas!
I knew a movie.
I never saw Deep Imp.
You've never seen Deep Imp?
No, I've never seen Deep Imp.
I...
You have to force him
to get culture.
I've seen... Armageddon? that lily's ob what is what's this what did you just do lily sobe and that was an agree for lily sobieski yes
i love lily's oh but she what she what did she do wrong why isn't she still here
i think i think i think who did she cross in hollywood
is my question she looks like a little helen hunt can i say something where's the lie
she's saying absolutely right that silence was definitely go ahead say something
okay i saw an image while i was at Duane Reade recently. Pointing.
All great stories begin.
And the image that I saw at the Duane Reade line was an image
of Kate Hudson.
And I was struck by how much
2018 Hudson looks like
Goldie Hawn, her mother.
Oh, yeah, that's always been the narrative.
It's always been the narrative, but I never agreed with the narrative.
I was like, okay, you're telling me they're a mother-daughter,
I'll believe you, but I never saw it in the bone structure.
And then imagine to be standing in
Dwayne Reed, a gay man, in 2018
and to finally realize
that, wow, Kate Hudson
looks like Cody Hahn
was
shaking.
It was shaking for you? It was shaking
for me, yeah.
I actually think that Kate Hudson is
brilliant. So do I.
And I think she is good and has a great
eng. And if
I think so too, and if Fabletics
made menswear,
I would be taking my storm.
For now, you must await the storm.
For now, I am Taya Leone.
And Taya Leone.
Who I one time saw in a restaurant.
Oh, this is tea.
This is like mean tea.
Should I spill it?
Yeah.
Saw David Duchovny in a restaurant with his kids.
And then Taya Leone came in and she like sat down with the kids and he left and they didn't speak.
I feel really bad.
That's like
family drama that's like not good.
A family can look like anything and that's what
works for them.
I just thought it was crazy to see like
a celebrity divorce kid hand
off. That is crazy.
In dojo on the
Lower East Side.
Maybe you could have stepped in and kind of facilitated a
conversation that needed to be had.
Pat, it happened so quickly, there was no opportunity to step in.
Okay, well,
maybe digitally. I don't know.
I guess I just
stepped in. Yeah, in a way you just stepped in, which is
actually important, and you actually are a social worker.
Thank you.
And speaking of stepping in
really can we all just give a very warm loving round of applause for pat who stepped in and was
my true sister tonight thank you really thank you thank you you know it's funny i feel like i i
identify as my i don't think so honey career being over i've retired and this is all just fun now
like none of this affects my legacy i don't feel a need to perform career being over. I've retired, and this is all just fun now. None of this affects my legacy.
I don't feel a need to perform well.
But I'll step up to be a pillar.
You're like when Barbra Streisand does a movie.
I'm like when Barbra Streisand does a movie.
Yeah.
And that is so freeing.
Yeah.
But when I got the text, when I got the several texts.
It was several texts, in fact, panicked texts.
I found out that Bowen was going to be held up at work only hours ago.
And I find panicked texts to be a potent aphrodisiac.
Yeah.
And, um...
Did you get horny when you received a text from me?
Um, no.
Though we do need to address the elephant in the room.
Yes, we made out for 20 minutes on a dance floor in 2014.
And why are you bringing it up?
We did.
And we both had the intention of doing it. It wasn't
like a mistake, y'all.
It wasn't like, oh wow, we found ourselves
doing this. We had the intent to
hook. And
Matt did very much say, I wouldn't let
you back, but I have an early morning tomorrow.
And that's cool.
And if you catch me saying
that tonight to any of you single gays just come home with me anyway um i know not what i do
and say i don't know my words my heart i love it you can get that on a phone case
um so what do you say should we um i don't i mean you're kind of
steering the ship i'm just here to support support you're right why am i even asking you should we
get started with the show so who here has ever been to i don't think so honey live before who's
been here before who's new to the event yay wow okay so freshman freshman freshman um okay so basically what's going to happen is you're going to see uh roughly 50 comedians get on stage
tonight they are all going to take one minute to rant against something in culture in a segment
that bowen and i call i don't think so honey it is um the i guess, climax of our podcast every week. We are doing it here tonight.
50 of them.
52 if you count myself and Pat Regan
because we are about to demo them for you.
I'm going to go first.
I'm going to do a prepared one, then Bowen.
I'm sorry.
I miss him.
Wait.
Wait, can I say, can I say, I miss him.
That's really hurtful.
I just
gave you so much props.
You gave me so much props.
Can I wait? Can I say why I am mad
at you? Because I came
out here and I turned around and you were back there
and like as if you wanted like more fanfare.
I didn't know. Okay. As someone who was once
brought on stage to a smoke machine
at this show. Yeah, I maybe't know. Okay, as someone who was once brought on stage to a smoke machine at this show.
That's true, you were.
Yeah, I maybe did come to expect that.
But maybe we should do a little segment called, Are You Mad At Me?
Or maybe not.
I guess we have to do it at the end.
This is now a crossover episode.
This is now a crossover episode.
I guess we'll have to save it at the end.
We'll have to see what happens over the next hour and a half-ish.
And I also just want
to say this.
I don't have the
spatial awareness
to like talk,
to sit into this
and talk into this microphone.
I feel confused about like...
Well,
this is part of the gig
and if you can't
fucking handle it...
Okay, cool.
Okay, cool.
All right, so...
Game on.
I think it's probably time for okay so i'm just this is
like behind the scenes bts you're gonna time me we didn't have time to go over this you guys
all right so um didn't know i was running tech this is a stopwatch
pat also lost his phone in true classic fashion and it is in the back of his mind. My phone is somewhere in this building and if you
see it, it
is an iPhone SE, which is yes, in between
a five and a six.
While he does this, I'm going to go up there.
Do I give you
warnings?
Thank you,
Denim.
Do I give you warnings?
What? Warnings?
No, any warnings.
Like 30. Oh, just 30 seconds, 15 seconds, and five seconds.
Cool.
Great.
When there's five seconds left.
Not at, obviously.
Great.
So, perfect.
So this is a very current event, and I'm very sorry, but I have to attack this one thing.
So now you say, this is Matt Rogers, I don't think so, honey.
This is Matt Rogers, I don't think so, honey. This is Matt Rogers, I don't think so, honey.
Your time starts now.
I don't think so, honey, the thank you next video.
Yeah, I do remember the movies, bitch.
I saw them, and all you did was remind me
that it's better than the bullshit you put together.
Regina didn't have a dark root.
You picked the worst scene in 13 going on 30.
Okay, not the worst, but who cares about that scene?
Everyone knows the best scene in 13 going on 30 is, say it with me, when they dance to Thriller.
30 seconds, 30 seconds.
I'm sorry, but what the hell was going on in the Jennifer Coolidge scene?
They wrote that that day.
You had months to prepare.
Are you kidding me?
The big tooth is the confusion over big dick?
No.
And with the amount of promotion that we had for this,
you would have thought this would have been the deep impact of music videos.
Would have done very well justifiably commercially and would have
made a huge crater in pop culture,
but I don't think so, honey. Thank you, Next.
Thank you, Next.
Do you feel
this way?
I feel this way, as you can tell.
All right, so let me just talk to you a little bit about...
Did you watch the video?
I haven't seen it yet.
I'm definitely kind of a blue-collar comedian,
still have a day job.
I was at Chelsea Piers at the soccer practice
of the kids that I nanny.
Down to earth, Still a hometown girl.
And it's not like you can just whip out your phone
and watch it because what if it gets lost?
I try to be present.
Yes, it's true that I try to be present with the kids.
Yeah, that's actually probably good.
Yes, that's true.
Okay, so now Pat is going to take the mic
and he is going to do a troll bowl
I don't think so honey topic. You can leave that here, baby, because there's one up there. Now, Pat is going to take the mic and he is going to do a troll bowl.
I don't think so, honey topic.
You can leave that here, baby, because there's one up there.
Calm down.
What the fuck am I dealing with at this moment?
All right.
So a little bit of background on the troll bowl.
The troll bowl is filled with topics that are very difficult to go negative on. It is a brave, not for the faint of heart moment to choose something out of the Troll Bowl.
Past topics have included Julie Andrews, JonBenet Ramsey, and Princess Diana.
So let's pick one out for my friend Pat Regan, who looks good.
Can we talk?
Stop. Stop.
He worked out two times today.
Stop.
Before and after the kids.
Before and after the kids I worked out.
All right.
He's so bashful.
All right, here.
I don't think you're going to know who this is.
I bet I won't.
And that's what's so annoying about standing here getting it.
Okay.
I'm ready.
Pat Regan.
And just tell me if you don't know who this is and I'll throw it back in.
Okay.
Your I Don't Think So Honey
trouble topic is
Henry Winkler,
aka The Fonz.
Yes.
Okay, great.
He's your I Don't Think So Honey topic
and your time,
Pat Regan,
starts now.
I don't think so honey
Henry Winkler,
like what,
you're supposed to be
like the comedic voice
of your times?
You're fucking lame
and not that funny.
I don't think so honey
Henry Winkler,
we saw your butt
in the water boy
and I didn't want to see it. I never asked you actually. Put your ass away, Henry Winkler. I
don't think so, honey. You're not that hot. You were problematic in happy days. It was rape culture
what you were doing, Henry Winkler. I don't think so, honey. I don't think so, honey. Henry Winkler,
your hair isn't that good.
30 seconds.
And I can tell that you think it is.
I don't think so, Henry Winkler.
What have you even been up to anymore?
Like, I feel like you just make money for no reason at this point, and that's not fair.
I don't think so, honey, Henry Winkler.
I don't think so, Henry Winkler.
You have no star quality, and somehow you made a fortune off of having star quality. 15 seconds.
And that's not fair to those of us who have star quality.
I don't think so, Henry Winkler.
I think that you probably don't love gay people.
I don't think so, honey, Henry Winkler.
Five seconds.
I don't think so, Henry Winkler.
You are bad.
And that's one minute!
That was Pat Regan's
I don't think so, honey, from the troll bowl.
Okay, so just quick update on Henry Winkler.
He just won an Emmy for being in Barry.
I don't watch that show.
And that's okay.
All right, are you guys ready to get the show started?
Okay, so we have arbitrarily named all these groups this first group is called shut up susan
please welcome to the stage ian lockwood
please welcome to the stage jess tom please welcome to the stage carmen lagala
please welcome to the stage charlie todd. Please welcome to the stage Charlie Todd.
And please welcome to the stage Cody Lindquist.
Yay!
I love it.
Okay, the very first to the mic is Ian Lockwood, everybody.
Okay, Ian, hello.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm shy.
I'm scared.
No, shy comedian. I look shy comedian. No, I'm shy. I'm scared. No, shy comedian.
I look shy comedian.
No, I'm actually confident.
You're very confident.
I'm loving the coat.
All right, so listen.
Okay, are we going to do the Trill Bowl or an I Don't Think So Honey prepared topic?
I got something to get off my chest.
I had a feeling that was true.
Okay, this is Ian Lockwood's I Don't Think So Honey, and his time starts now.
I Don't Think So Honey, we work in starts now. I Don't Think So Honey, WeWork, and all co-working spaces, honey.
No, it's just people buying into bad corporate culture in a way they think is really alternative.
But honey, it's not.
Also, my WeWork is full of weird guys.
Like, I walk into the WeWork bathroom stall as a guy is exiting, and he goes,
I warmed it up for you.
I don't think so, honey, no.
Like, I see a man having a public meeting in the kitchen, which, like, no.
And he responds to a woman's comment with, I'm laughing because.
No, I don't think so, honey.
No, my WeWork is full of weird neon signs that say, like, you do you.
And, like, no bad days.
Both true.
15 seconds.
But the biggest one is 15 feet wide, truly.
And I shit you not, it says, amber is the color of your energy.
No!
Five seconds.
Five seconds.
I don't think so, honey.
And that's one minute.
That's Ian Lockwood
Taking down WeWork
And now to the mic
Everyone welcome Jess Tom
Hello Jess
Hi
How is it going?
I'm really scared genuinely
No don't be afraid
And if that's true
Follow the fear
This is my terror face
Alright Jess Is it going to be pre-prepared Or the troll ball? It's going to be pre-prepared No, don't be afraid. And if that's true, follow the fear. This is my terror face.
All right, Jess, is it going to be pre-prepared or the troll ball?
It's going to be pre-prepared today.
Pre-prepared.
This is Jess Times.
I don't think so, honey.
Their time starts now.
I don't think so, honey.
Cinderella.
Yes!
Cinderella is the original problematic white feminist.
She yearned to escape servitude,
but was willing to get there on the backs of brown mouse women.
Yes!
Using their free labor.
She was like, I need to go to a ball, you can make my dress for free.
If you reverse the narrative of Cinderella,
it's about women working in a sweatshop under a CEO.
30 seconds. And then after they did all that work,
she had a fairy godmother the entire time.
That's intergenerational privilege, honey.
15 seconds.
Oh, but the fairy godmother didn't help her
until she was an adult.
That's exactly how I trust fun works.
You cannot fool me.
You cannot fool me, honey.
Five seconds.
They recreate in real life little girls dress up like Cinderella for Halloween.
And who do you think makes those costumes?
I don't think so, honey.
Just time, everybody.
This fall on Bravo.
It's time to turn up.
Think you've seen it all?
I don't think you've been a good friend to me lately.
We're friends like that.
Who needs enemies?
You ain't seen nothing yet.
Cheers to being Germanic.
With the Real Housewives of Potomac.
Oh, my gosh.
Can I take this in?
It's going to be amazing.
New York City.
Everyone is a gossip.
No one gets a happier life.
Salt Lake City.
We don't wear costumes.
We wear fashion.
And below deck sailing.
You broke the rules.
And now you're here getting upset.
Watch all new seasons on Bravo or stream it on City TV+. Let's have a real good time.
Once again, we find ourselves in an unprecedented election.
And with all that's happening in the lead up to the big day, a weekly podcast just won't cut it.
Get a better grasp of where we stand as a nation every
weekday on the NPR Politics Podcast. Here are seasoned reporters dig into the issues that are
shaping voters' decisions and understand how the latest updates play into the bigger picture.
Listen to the NPR Politics Podcast on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey, friends. I'm Jessica Capshaw. And this is Camilla Luddington.
And we have a new podcast, Call It What It Is.
You may know us from Graceland Memorial,
but did you know that we are actually besties in real life?
And as all besties do, we navigate the highs and lows of life together.
And what does that look like?
A thousand pep talks.
A million I've got yous.
Some very urgent I'm coming overs.
Because, I don't know, let's face it, life can get even crazier than a season finale of Grey's Anatomy.
And now here we are, opening up the friendship circle.
To you.
Someone's cheating?
We've got you on that.
In-laws are in-lying?
Let's get into it.
Toxic friendship?
Air it out.
We're on your side to help you with your concerns.
Talk about ours and every once in
a while bring on an awesome guest to get their take on the things that you bring us while we
may be unlicensed to advise we're gonna do it anyway listen to call it what it is on the i
heart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I felt too seen.
Um, dragged.
I'm N.K., and this is Basket Case.
So I basically had what back in the day they would call a nervous breakdown.
I was crying, and I was inconsolable.
It was just very big, sudden swaps of different meds.
What is wrong with me?
Oh, look at you giving me therapy, girl.
Finally, a show for the mentally ill girlies.
On Basket Case, I talk to people about what happens when what we call mental health
is shaped by the conditions of the world we live in.
Because if you haven't noticed, we are experiencing some kind of
conditions that are pretty hard to live with.
But if you struggle to cope,
the society that created the conditions in the first place will tell you there's something wrong with you.
And it will call you a basket case.
Listen to Basket Case every Tuesday on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Unbelievable, Cinderella. Take that in your many iterations.
Everyone.
They love you.
Give it up for Carmen Legala.
Here we go.
Carmen, hello.
Hi.
Denim.
Wow.
Yes.
Same.
All right, cool.
So are we doing a pre-prepared or a troll bowl topic?
Even though I don't know any celebrities,
I'm going to try the troll bowl.
Wow.
Brave.
Brave.
Very brave.
Well, let's see.
I mean, I did not think Pat Regan would know the Fonz.
I can't believe you thought that.
I didn't know he was in Bowery, but yes, I knew who he was.
Okay, this is great.
This person, this thing is not a celebrity.
Oh, thank God.
But they're worldwide known.
Okay.
And that thing, your trouble, I don't think it's on any topic, is kangaroos.
Oh, God.
And your time starts now. I don't think it's a funny topic. It's kangaroos. And your time starts now.
I don't think so, kangaroos.
Going around with your hopping and your big... Why are your feet so big?
And then they angle back the other way
like an upside-down L7 situation.
They're weird.
Just regular feet, kangaroos.
I don't think so, kangaroos.
You don't have to deal with regular cargo shorts like the rest of us.
You get to just carry your shit on the front of you.
Everything's so convenient for you, kangaroos.
I don't think so, honey kangaroos.
Being in Australia, why aren't you here so I can hug you?
Drag them.
Drag them to hell.
I don't think so.
Honey kangaroos.
15 seconds.
Beautiful, beautiful brown fur in your...
Just you punch people in cartoons,
but probably not in real life.
I've never seen it on YouTube.
So it must not be real.
I don't think so, honey.
Kangaroos.
And that's what did it!
Expertly done.
Kangaroos are shook.
Give it up for Carmen.
Coming to the stage,
welcome Charlie Tong.
Hey, Charlie.
I am loving it.
What do you think?
Pre-select.
Oh.
Wow.
Okay, calm down.
Confidently pre-select.
So this is Charlie Todd's I Don't Think So Honey,
and his time will begin now.
I Don't Think So Honey Just Salad.
Wow.
If you think we're just going to be cool
with you guys stopping to chop salads,
then you got another thing coming to you, okay?
Yes.
All right?
I'm not coming back to your store.
I'm going to go to Chopped.
I'm going to go to Hale and Hardy Soups.
I'm going to go anywhere that chops a fucking salad.
You have one job, and it's just salad,
and people want their fucking salads chopped, all right?
I'm not going to bitch about you guys having grain bowls. 30 seconds. I'm not going to bitch about you guys having grain bowls.
30 seconds.
I'm not going to bitch about you guys having wraps,
you guys having smoothies,
and a lot of things that aren't just salad.
That's fine.
I'll let that slide.
I'm a fan.
I've been a fan for five years.
I bought my orange bowl five years ago.
I show up with my bowl.
I get my two choppings or maybe one free cheese,
and I'm a happy customer.
But don't you dare tell me that it's better for me if you don't chop salads because it's faster.
Oh, thank you so much for spending less time on my salad.
I don't think so, honey.
Yes, Charlie Todd!
It's true.
It's true, Pat.
There are not just salads there.
There are not just salads, and I think that this is true.
I know my heart. I don't know my words.
I think that it's true that a rat was found in a just salad
wrap. Really? I don't know if that's
true. They sound upset.
I'm going to let you guys work it out later and for now
please welcome Cody
Lindquist!
Hi! Hi!
Also my mom's name is Susan so
this is a very perfect group for me to be in.
Yes.
High school you is like, yes.
I'm constantly saying to my mom, like, stop it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So it's great.
I should have called it stop it, Susan, because shut up is mean.
No, that's more what Charlie, my husband, will say to my mom.
Oh.
Just kidding.
Come on now.
No.
The family dynamic is spicy.
No, he's nicer to her than I am.
Okay.
All right.
So, Cody, talk to me about this.
We have a troll bowl here, and we also have, you know, probably a mind full of ideas.
Oh, my God.
It's a snap decision, and I'm going to do pre-prepared.
Pre-prepared.
I love it.
This is Cody Lindquist.
I don't think so, honey.
And her time starts now i don't think so male movie stars being in movies
with women that are 25 years younger than them yes i am sorry honey i get it you're fucking hot
but you're 50 and if you're 50 you are fucking grandpa yes okay if there is a 25-year-old woman in the real world who is dating a 50-year-old man, that is the only fucking thing that we talk about, okay?
And guess what?
He got so much goddamn money that we all go, mm-hmm, that makes sense, okay?
Because you know what?
If he's 50 and he's just magically single because he hasn't met the right woman, like, no fucking way.
He got issues.
Yes.
Okay?
That man has a fucking problem
with every woman you've ever seen
and there's not some dumbass 25-year-old
who's gonna come around
and change his life for the better.
Five seconds.
No, thank you.
And you know what?
Fuck you
because it makes every goddamn 50-year-old man
think that it's okay to leave his
wife because he thinks he's gonna get a 25 year old woman how many people have a goddamn dad who
has left their mom because he thinks he is gonna go out with anne hathaway like i do not fucking
think so honey my husband my husband is a year older than me the way God fucking intended.
And that's one minute and 25 seconds.
Cody Lindquist.
Give it up for this group.
Shut up, Susan.
Ian Lockwood, Jess Tom, Carmen Nogala, Charlie Todd, and Cody Lindquist.
Unbelievable.
Oh my God.
I think Hollywood just healed a little bit.
I think Hollywood is now going to change.
I'm so excited for what's to come in Hollywood.
And you know what?
We are awaiting the storm.
We're awaiting the storm, Ritaya.
And we actually have a rule of culture.
It's rule of culture number 24.
If you're 50, you're grandpa.
Write it down, Kelly Jo.
Yes, honey.
I see you, girl.
All right, everyone.
Give it up for our next group,
and it's called
Say It With Me, Pat.
Gorgeous Delights.
Everyone, welcome.
Griffin Leeds.
Welcome, Lisa Kleinman.
I'm gonna say things with you.
Welcome, Casey Jost.
Welcome, Amanda Joby And welcome Becky Abrams
This is the dance I do when I feel the energy
It's very Cat Co I feel
And for me when I'm engaged I raise the roof
Yeah
Have you seen that Pat Regan has brought back raising the roof?
Can everyone raise the roof?
Yay!
It's 1994.
Okay, cool.
Everyone, please welcome up to the mic, Griffin Leeds.
Jumpsuit.
A jumpsuit moment.
It's a fake jumpsuit.
Is it really?
Wow.
You're telling me that thing is two pieces?
It's two pieces.
It makes it easy to use the bathroom.
Yeah.
And can you speak about...
I'm practical.
And speak about the sash.
Speak about the sash.
Listen, someone else dressed me.
I can't speak about any of this.
I love that.
He's got someone else to dress him.
That's rule of culture number four.
Get someone else to dress you.
All right.
Griffin. So right, Griffin.
So talk to me.
Are we going to do a pre-prepared topic
or there's a troll bowl here
and I'm just saying it's here?
There is a troll bowl.
I haven't really done short form improv since college,
so I'm going to stay pre-selected.
No, no, short form is important.
It's important.
Short form is important.
It's important.
But I've been a fan.
Drill culture number 89.
Short form is important.
It is. But no, I've been arove culture number 89 short form is important it is but no
I've been a fan of the pod
so I've had
I've had some topics
and I want to use one tonight
so I think we're gonna do
a pre-selected
this is Griffin Leeds
his I don't think so honey
starts now
I don't think so honey
those straight girls
from high school
who suddenly gave a shit
about me
when word got out
that I was gay in college
wow
you think I didn't know what was going on winter break sophomore year when I start getting who suddenly gave a shit about me when word got out that I was gay in college. Wow!
You think I didn't know what was going on
winter break sophomore year
when I start getting
all these friend requests
from wannabe Lena Dunhams.
It's the social media equivalent
of when you have a group of people
clearly talking about you
because they all turn
and look at you at the same time.
Listen,
I am not some object
to be collected,
stuffed,
and mounted above a fireplace. I'm a human being to be collected, stuffed, and mounted Above a fireplace
I'm a human being to be mounted
Then stuffed by a fireplace
Thank you
Hell yes, bitch
I could have been an ally to you
Because I could have told you all the times I clocked your boyfriends
In the school bathroom, not washing their hands
Then going in the hallway and touching your hands gross
15 seconds, the tea
You know, my true friends, they knew early on.
And when I did come out to those true friends,
they thought I was fucking with them
because my true friends know that first and foremost,
I'm a tricky little jokester.
Five seconds.
Second, I'm a mother.
And third, I'm a faggot who doesn't think so.
That's one minute.
Very good.
Griffin Leeds, give it up.
Using Lena Dunham as a pejorative. What did you say. Using Lena Dunham as a pejorative.
What did you say? Using Lena Dunham as a pejorative.
Losing Lena Dunham.
Using Lena Dunham as a pejorative.
You know, that's
a discussion to be had.
We're going to have it right now.
But actually, I'm going to say,
talk to me after.
Yeah, no, we're really down to talk about this.
All right, everyone, please welcome to the mic, Lisa Kleinman!
In a patterned pants.
Thank you so much.
Long time listener, first time caller.
Wow.
It is time to call out.
Now, talk to me about the bowl versus the pre-prepared topic.
I'm doing pre-prepared.
I love that.
I love that.
It's your journey.
Go forth on it.
I love that for her.
I love that for her.
All right.
So Lisa Convins, I don't think so.
Any topic is pre-prepared and her time will begin now.
I don't think so, honey.
Harry Potter. I am so sorry,
but I cannot
believe a story
about British teenagers that wear
Catholic school uniforms does not
make me horny.
But that is the magic,
I guess, of Harry Potter.
I am sorry, I am an adult
and I don't need to read a glorified
picture book about people that don't need to read a glorified picture book
about people that don't fuck and do drugs.
And I'm not talking about butter beer.
And I don't think so honey.
JK Rowling.
We get it.
You lived in your car but you know what?
So did Jewel.
And I would rather listen to pieces of you
than fucking a story about a virgin
that bumped his head and plays sports in the air
and Broadway, Broadway,
a two-part play like you're fucking angels in America.
You are not angels in America
and J.K. Rowling, you are not Tony Kushner.
And that's one minute.
Wow.
Wow.
I have to say.
Wow.
That was Lisa Kleinman.
That was really important.
She didn't have me.
She didn't have me.
And then she said Jewel and she had me.
You know what?
It's actually rule of culture number 15.
So did Jewel.
Thank you, Lisa.
And now, welcome to the mic, Casey Jones!
It's Casey Jones.
Hey, everybody.
Can you please give it up for your fantastic hosts?
Oh, my God.
Charmer.
I fucking love you.
I love you guys. I fucking love you. I love you guys.
I fucking love you.
We have a rare
straight male appearance
which I celebrate.
He's a straight man.
He's a straight man.
Some say.
Some say.
And did very well
in the straight pageant
which I just held.
Thank you.
Next one,
January 23rd.
Oh, a plug.
And you heard
that announcement right here.
And the amount of growth I saw in Casey
throughout that pageant was huge
he grew from when he started the pageant
to when he finished the pageant
he was still straight by the end
but he had grown
but he had grown as a straight
it's a real spectrum
absolutely it's a spectrum and that's actually rule of culture number 3
it's a spectrum
so Casey listen
Celebrated improviser
I mean we have of course the option to do the troll bowl
I will say that no one's ever celebrated improv
Wow
We just said short form was important
We haven't even gotten to long form
You're right that was maybe the first time ever
That short form improv was celebrated
I have prepared.
Is that okay? Do it.
I want to hear what you got. It's interesting that I'm following
Lisa, my actual wife.
Amazing.
Actual wife.
Lucky man.
Oh, yes.
I almost
just said propose to her.
They're married.
It's interesting that I'm following her
because she was so articulate and intelligent.
And well, let's see what happens here.
Here we go.
This is Casey Jost.
I don't think so, honey.
His time starts now.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
I don't think so, honey.
Books.
I hate books.
Books suck.
Why are books so long?
Make books shorter.
Yes. Infinite jest. Why are books so long? Make books shorter. Yes!
Infinite jest. More like infinite.
That's how long
it takes you to read it. War and Peace. More like
War and Peace out. I'm not reading you.
1984.
More like 1984.
Which brings me to my next point. Books
are boring. Every time I start to read a book,
I immediately want to do something else.
I think to myself, I'd rather be
painting. Am I a painter? No. Do I
paint? Hell no. That's how much I hate books.
I'd rather paint.
Next. It takes so much work with your
hands. Self-explanatory.
Next. The good books
don't have pictures and the bad ones do?
That's ridiculous. Guns ahead.
If I have to pick a favorite book, which is a
hilarious scenario, I pick Go Dog Go.
That describes the actions and interactions of a group of highly motivated dogs who operate
cars and other conveyances in pursuit of work, play, and a final mysterious goal.
A dog party.
That's a good book.
And that's one minute.
Wow.
Wow.
The Kleinman
Josts are
not readers
no
and I famously
only ever read
nine books in my L
yep
bet you didn't know
it was a phone
the whole time
wow
their kids
are getting
screen time
yes
which is huge for kids.
That was amazing.
Everyone up.
Give it up for Amanda Jovi.
Oh, my God.
Darling.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
This is a thrill.
Wow.
Yes, move it out of the way.
I can't have it in my way.
It might block my butt.
No.
Wow. I can't have it in my way. It might block my butt. No!
When an icon steps forth,
you appreciate.
Is that a rule of culture?
That's a rule of culture.
Number nine.
When an icon steps forth,
you appreciate.
Yeah.
You know,
if Leigh-Anne Rimes were to walk into the room right now,
we would appreciate it.
I think she's here.
Maybe we wouldn't.
I don't know why I picked Leanne Rimes.
She was on my comp list.
She was what?
She was on my comp list,
Leanne Rimes.
Leanne?
Yeah, Leanne?
Just say, I see her.
I see her.
Hi, girl.
Hey, girl.
See you after.
Mimosas at night.
Oh, my God.
Amanda.
Yes.
So listen,
there is,
you know,
famously,
there's the troll bowl
and there's a pre-prepared
option as well. I have a pre-prepared because it's serious. Okay, let's, you know, famously there's the troll bowl to pick from and there's a pre-prepared option as well.
I have a pre-prepared because it's serious.
Okay, let's do this.
Okay.
Here's Amanda's I Don't Think So Honey and her time starts now.
I Don't Think So Honey, the United States of America.
Wow.
A country with a problematic start built by immigrants and founded on unalienable rights, which is now
consumed by hatred and exclusivity, not to mention supporting a nation that is facilitating
the greatest humanitarian crisis of all time. So I don't think so, honey. I'd like to make a list
of the states that I believe can be doing a better job. Okay. And 30 seconds. Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida,
Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland,
Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska,
Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio,
Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.
Thank you very much.
And that's one minute and 20 seconds.
And let me tell you something.
That was all the states.
So I think what she's saying is we all could do a better job.
Yes.
That seemed to be the message.
That seemed to be the message.
You got to think.
When you come here, be prepared to think.
Okay.
So who's next here?
Oh, okay.
It's Becky Abrams.
Hello.
Hello.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Wow. Hi. Zoe. Hello! Wow!
Wow!
Hi!
What are we thinking?
How are you?
Well, I was gonna do bull, then I was gonna do pre,
now I'm gonna do bull.
Wow!
Thank God I didn't fall.
I just told you, tail is oldest time at this show.
Tail is oldest bull. Okay, here we go. This will as old as time at this show. Tell as old as bold.
Okay, here we go.
This will be coming up soon, this event.
Okay, well, I have to tell you if I don't know what it is.
Well, I think you know.
Your I don't think so, honey topic from the troll bowl, Becky Abrams,
is the Golden Globes.
Oh!
And your time starts now.
I actually don't think so. Golden Globes.
What do you think you are? The Oscars?
Incorrect.
Are you the, I don't know.
Wait a minute. Is Golden Globes part of EGOT?
Remind me. Remind me. No, wait.
That's Grammy. I don't
think so. You better rethink Golden
Globes. That would make it like
E-G-G-G-G-G-GOT. And it's
not that.
Yeah!
I liked it when two female comedians
hosted it, and then some reason that went
away last time.
I'm not sure why. Maybe some
rethinking is in order.
Not sure, sweetheart. But do think
again.
Who did it last time?
Ricky Gervais?
15 seconds.
Wow, the office in England was so amazing.
That's why everyone on Bumble is talking about the British office.
Sike.
It's actually the American office.
Five seconds.
Five seconds.
Golden gloves were like golden boobs.
I don't think so, honey.
Boobs are great.
Golden gloves are not. And that is why I don't think so. Golden boobs. I don't think so, honey. Boobs are great. Golden gloves are not.
And that is why I don't think so.
Golden gloves.
I'm in for it.
Becky Abrams capping off the gorgeous delight group.
Give it up for Griffin Leeds, Lisa Kleinman, Casey Jost, Amanda Joppy, and Becky Abrams.
Bye.
Bye, Beth.
I love you.
I miss them.
I miss them, too.
I wish that Casey did propose.
I miss them.
I miss you guys.
That was so good.
What I will say is even if I'm already married, if I'm ever on stage with my husband, yes,
I'm going to propose again.
Yeah.
And it's going to be beautiful.
Because I want them to know
I still care.
Exactly.
And also I want
uproarious applause.
Yeah, yeah.
From those around me,
from those in front of me,
from those to the side of me even.
Yeah, even over there.
I'm just saying
we're not opposed
to seeing a proposal tonight.
All of a sudden
we're like Chris whatever
who hosts that show. Chris
Harris. And actually
I don't know if that's true.
And actually what I will say
as a guest host is I will guarantee
that there will be a
proposal by the end of the night.
There will be a proposal!
You know, Bo, with the year wrapping up it's uh time to put a bow on 2018 if you will oh my god
was that intentional wordplay you know what bowen it was and that's because i'm really literally
trying to get at something right now which is that if you're doing your holiday shopping
and you want to pick out a new outfit for that special someone who needs a new
them you gotta go to mod cloth oh mod cloth is your go-to i love mod cloth so much you can
transition from layered looks to looks you can wear as the weather warms up and if you're jonesing
for a getaway we mod cloth has a collection of amazing swimwear suited just for you i love that
suited yes yeah so hit the site and discover something uniquely you oh my god
mod cloth is truly the best yeah yeah i mean if you want to start the new year with a clean slate
here's the thing it's going to be cold soon and i went on there and i was looking for a gift for
my mom and they i just got her the literal cutest coat i hope she doesn't listen to this because i
don't want her surprise to be ruined right but this is the time, you guys, where you have to start
looking for stuff. And they
have really amazing clothing for all
different body types as well, which
is what I really like. I mean, everything
looks very comfortable. And so
you know Katrina Rogers, she loves to
be comfortable. She loves to be comfortable. Now,
I went on Moncloth and I bought this
gorgeous knit dress for the
cold weather. It's so cute.
It's so gorgeous.
I'm not going to reveal who it's for.
Don't you dare reveal because here's the thing.
Anyone could be listening to this podcast famously, you know, available to everyone.
Available.
Some of these apps are just free.
It's the blessing and the curse of podcasts.
Can you believe this insanity?
Anyway, I love, I can't for uh my recipient to receive this and for
them to just really take in the gorgeous quality and style of mon cloth you could wear this look
when you're going to see what the famous rockefeller christmas tree that's true now here's
what you're going to do to get 15% off your purchase of $100 or more.
Go to ModCloth.com.
That's M-O-D-C-L-O-T-H.com and enter code DingDong at checkout.
Yeah, this is valid for one time use only and expires on March 3rd, 2019.
So one more time, M-O-D-C-L-O-T-H.com and enter the code DingDong at checkout.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ay. Ah. Ooh. Ay.
Ugh.
My cloth.
Okay, so
this next group,
wow, I guess we,
this is a perfect lead-in
to this group,
which is called
Drama Tonight.
Please welcome
Julia Clare.
Please welcome Michael Delio please welcome Margaret Dodge
please welcome Andrew Fafutakis
and please welcome Gina Bloom
yes
huge
hello everyone
hi
okay so I guess the very first to the mic is Miss Julia Clare, everyone.
Give it up.
I said this is the sweater of my dreams.
Thank you.
I do feel like tonight was the wrong time to wear a turtleneck.
Why?
I found out when I got here.
Everyone's showing their tits, and I'm just here not showing my neck.
No.
It's actually rule of culture number eight.
Not everyone can show their tits.
Yeah.
At once.
We need all sorts of different voices.
That's true.
It's like a logistical nightmare.
Yeah.
For sure.
All right.
So listen.
I think it adds a new perspective to the night.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
I'm pretty counter-cultural.
Thank you.
And we love that.
And listen, speaking of culture,
we actually happen to be here doing I Don't Think So Honey.
And so there's two things that you could do
given your choice.
Got it.
Two things that you could do given your choice.
I don't know my words, but I do know my heart.
Okay, so listen.
We have the trouble.
We also have a beautiful brain.
Oh, thank you so much. Full of ideas, I'm sure.
It will be pre-selected. I love it!
This is Julia Claire's I Don't Think So Honey.
It's a pre-selected topic kind of night
and her time starts now.
I don't think so honey
people who can sing.
Yes!
I know you had eight years of lessons and went to tish
but no one needs to hear your hauntingly beautiful version of Madonna's like a prayer
you're ruining karaoke honey 30 seconds.
We can all hear you harmonizing
during the happy birthday song.
You're committing war crimes, honey.
You have a beautiful natural talent
that I will never possess,
and frankly, I'm embarrassed for you, honey.
15 seconds.
See, also, I don't think so white people who can dance, honey.
You're throwing off the grading curve for the rest of us.
If you're a white person who can dance,
that is cultural erasure of me only.
That's one minute.
Julia Clare, everybody.
That needed to be said.
That needed to be said that needed to be said
you feel this way
I feel that way
he feels that certain
type of way
alright everyone
please welcome
Michael Delisle
I love a sweatshirt
over the moment
what are we calling it
a flannel
what is it
what is it
I'm just saying
I'm admiring the look.
I love a sweatshirt over a button down.
I just love a tasteful crew neck.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
We love everything about you.
It's a short sleeve shirt.
Is it?
Yeah.
Okay.
Your secret's safe with us.
That's a very phone on a clipboard thing to do.
Listen.
You should have said that for a reveal at 30
seconds.
I know.
It was a short
sleeve.
But listen.
We can do
pre-selected or
Michael we could
do the troll
bowl.
Let's do the
bowl.
Okay.
Okay calm
down.
I love you
doing the bowl.
All right so
here we go.
Okay. Topical as well. What do you think Pat? I love you doing the bowl. All right, so here we go. Okay, topical as well.
What do you think, Pat?
I think it's topical.
My barometer says topical.
Okay, so Michael,
your I don't think so, honey,
troll bowl topic is Christmas music.
And your time starts now.
Okay, I don't think so honey
Christmas music
what the hell
I'm really fucking pissed right now
yes
because I've heard a lot of Christmas music already
and yeah there are a couple good ones
but you know what's not a good one
the Paul McCartney one
oh hard agree
that one sucks
that one has so much synth in it.
He should change his name to Synth McCartney.
30 seconds.
I don't think so, honey.
There's so many other songs.
There's a song about reindeer.
Oh, yeah.
That's bad.
That's true.
There's too many reindeer.
I don't think so, honey.
Reindeer. In songs. 15 seconds.. That's true. There's too many reindeer. I don't think so, honey. Reindeer.
In songs.
15 seconds.
They got one song.
And then they're done.
I don't think so, honey.
Christmas music is...
Some of it actually is really good, though.
Five seconds.
Five seconds.
No, some of it actually is really good,
and it makes me feel good,
especially when it's sad and it's snowing.
It does make me feel good
but also I don't think
so honey
to it as well
one minute
wow
you know I love that
give it up for Michael Delisle
you know
I like that
Mariah Carey tune
I do
I like that tune
I recently was in an Uber
with my entire
immediate family
yes
and on the radio was an Idina Menzel, Michael Bublé version of Baby It's Cold Outside.
And I was like, is this helpful?
Did we need it?
Because I didn't know they did it.
And no one in my family would answer me.
You asked the question out loud, is this helpful?
I was like, I didn't know they made this.
Did we need this?
And no one answered, so I just kept saying that.
And next to the mic, everyone, please welcome the phenomenal Margaret Dodge.
I said in the email, kindly turn a look, and this is what we have.
You are welcome.
Margaret, stunning.
Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
So listen, Margaret,
it's an honor and a privilege to have you.
What do we think about the choice before you?
Trouble or pre-prepared?
I have something to get off my chest.
So I'm going to pre-select.
Pre-selected.
I'm going to pre-select.
Here comes Margaret Taj with her I Don't Think So Honey
and her time starts now.
Bradley Cooper's ripped abs
in A Star is Born.
I don't think so honey.
You really want me
to take you seriously
as a director?
You had to show your body in the movie.
Let me ask you this.
Was this your directorial debut, or was this an audition for the next Magic Mike?
Whoa!
30 seconds.
Yeah, so you could have made a brave choice and, I't know not shown your body but uh the actor Bradley Cooper
just had to get in a subliminal ad for CrossFit listen those are not the abs of a 40-something
alcoholic entertainer I should know because I have dated and been a 40-something alcoholic entertainer.
One minute.
Bradley.
Bradley.
What happened?
Jackson, Maine?
More like Jackson, Vane.
I don't think so.
And that's one minute, Margaret Dodge.
Agreed.
Absolutely.
Or maybe, I don't know,
eat a couple bag of chips.
I thought his stomach
was an important part of the film.
It was not the part
I had notes about.
And as someone who is
bravely in recover,
I will say there are people
who manage to be on meth
and also have truly
porn caliber bodies.
And I don't know how they do it, but it is possible.
And with that, let's welcome Andrew Papoutakis!
The hat, the hat, the hat.
You can tell I have a meth body uh clearly here we go so let me tell you
andrew yes there is a choice there's the troll bowl and there's the pre-selected i think it's
my first time bear with me first timer everyone on stage tonight first timer i'm gonna go pre-select
pre-selected i love that yeah i like that love that. Yeah, I like that for you. So, Andrew, your I Don't Think So Honey time, it will begin right now.
I Don't Think So Honey social media stories.
Ooh.
Calm down, James Joyce.
I don't need to see what you ate for lunch today. I have a dancer friend who will post 14 stories of him lip syncing to Ariana Grande.
We get it, queen.
You have abs.
Come on, queen.
We get it, queen.
You look good in a jockstrap.
I don't think so, honey.
Listen, Kurt Vonnegut.
I don't need you posting snaps of you on the stage of SNL with Awkwafina, Miss Bowen Yang.
That wasn't me.
That was not me.
15 seconds. Listen, JK Rowling.
I don't need you posting snaps and stories of you with a bad hair day.
Matt Rogers, you're gay and white.
You're perfect.
And that's one minute.
That's one minute.
Wow.
Andrew Papadakis, everybody.
And now to the mic.
Please get ready for Gina Bloom.
Let's go. Oh, jacket central. And now to the mic, please get ready for Gina Bloom.
Let's go.
Oh, Jacket Central.
I love.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh.
Okay.
I'm very excited.
So what are we thinking here?
I have a lot to bitch about.
Then bitch about it.
I am doing pre-prepared.
Pre-prepared.
Gina Bloom, your I Don't Think So Honey time will begin now.
I Don't Think So Honey, Big Little Lies Season 2.
Let's just say I'm a little bit skeptical, okay?
I'm a little bit skeptical.
It's like getting that second pitcher mimosas at brunch sounds like a good idea.
But the next thing you know, you and Kyle are in a fight neither one of you can understand.
And the experience is fucking
ruined from now on.
I don't think so, honey. Have we
learned nothing from literally
the second season of every Ryan Murphy
show ever?
Have we not?
Have we not?
By the way,
watch Pose Season 2.
Trans representation
is very important.
15 seconds.
15 seconds.
I promise you'll be
flaming hot dog shit.
Watch it anyway
because that's how
it works out.
But back to the topic
at hand.
HBO,
what's next?
Sharper objects?
Five seconds.
Oh, look.
Amy Adams' sister is fucking Hitler this time.
I don't think so, honey.
Good night.
And that's a win!
Gina Bloom!
Give it up for drama tonight.
Julia Clare, Michael Delisle, Margaret Dodge, Andrew Papatakis, and Gina Bloom.
Thank you all.
Wow.
That was an electric group.
Oh,
I think we're okay. I would actually have a water
if you can kind of get your hands on a Diet Coke.
Thank you so much. Just kind of work
your magic. That's a true ally right there asking
us if we need a drink. Yeah, that was... And it was
Casey Jost. And I just want to say that for the record,
no one else here tonight has tried to buy me a drink. Yeah, that was... And it was Casey Jost. And I just want to say that for the record, no one else here tonight
has tried to buy me a drink.
And it's that little shit
that you have no idea
how much that meant to us.
It's that little shit.
It's that little shit
that can change your whole fucking day around.
It's actually rule of culture number 40.
It's that little shit
that can change
your whole fucking day
around.
Okay. Wow.
This is crazy. Another insane
segue. Oh my god.
They're so hard to come by and yet we've
come by a couple tonight. They're like, it's almost
as if they're natural resources or something.
Alright, so this, because of the sharp objects mentioned before, that's almost as if there are natural resources or something. All right, so this,
because of the sharp objects
mentioned before,
that's what makes this good.
This next group is called
And Starring Amy Adams
as Amy.
That's so stupid.
Okay, everyone welcome
Megan Meadows!
Welcome!
Oh, Jenny Rachel Weiner!
Welcome Hallie Kiefer!
Welcome Liz Arkery!
And welcome to the stage, Rachel
Sennett!
Do we
have everyone?
Megan Meadows is not here!
Okay, cool. Well, guess what?
She's here in Spear.
Maybe she's with Bowen somewhere.
Maybe.
Wow.
Wow.
Maybe if Leigh-Anne Rimes would like to come up.
Does Leigh-Anne Rimes here want to come up?
What she's made of.
What?
Brandi Glanville.
Yes.
Are you team Brandi or Leigh-Anne?
And only answer if you feel safe.
Brandi, cool. Cool. I and only answer if you feel safe. Brandi, cool.
Cool.
I wasn't until
Celebrity Big Brother.
But that's not
what we're here for tonight.
That's not what we're here for.
And I have to say
I'm happy that Leigh-Anne
and Brandi aren't here
because I am not
trying to see a fight.
All right.
Can we get going?
All right.
This was supposed to be Megan
but everyone,
please welcome to the stage
the glory of my heart jenny rachel weiner
okay the glory of my heart even yeah honey honey i don't know where i get off wearing fur and a
calvin klein jumpsuit oh okay i i really i mean it's a it's not a jumpsuit it's a it's a leotard
one piece one piece i love it though and i'll tell you exactly where you get off i don't think Okay, I mean, it's not a jumpsuit. It's a leotard. One piece.
One piece.
I love it, though.
And I'll tell you exactly where you get off.
I don't think it's on Honey Live.
I don't think it's on Honey Live.
I'm giving you Kim K vibes.
Kim K vibes.
You need that vibe.
Okay.
That vibe needs to be at every show.
All right, listen.
So we have the troll bowl, and then we, of course, have preselected.
So what's up?
Okay.
Here's the deal, you guys.
Talk us through it. And be through it I'm doing troll bowl
Like a true psycho
Like a true psychopath
So here we go guys
Jenny, here we go
Your I don't think so honey troll bowl topic is
Going to the movies
I don't think so is going to the movies. I don't think so, honey.
Going to the movies?
What do you think?
I want to get off my fucking couch, honey.
I have Netflix.
I have Hulu.
I have Amazon Prime, baby.
You think I want to go to the movies and pay $15 for a ticket?
I'm sorry, $18 at some places
and $30 motherfucking dollars at iPix.
Okay, honey?
At iPix, you can lay down,
you can have a waiter,
but it's $30.
I'll stay on my couch.
Thank you, honey.
Okay?
I don't think so, honey,
going to the movies.
Okay, I want to watch TV, all right?
TV is in its prime.
We are in the golden age.
I don't need to go to the movies to have a good time.
Also, am I trying to get fingered in the back like in high school?
Yeah.
Maybe.
Maybe.
I don't think so, honey.
Going to the movies alright bitch
one minute
that's one minute
thank you
Jenny Rachel Weiner
wow
you owe me
$19 for when we saw The Favorite
and we agreed you would Venmo charge me
I'm not saying you haven't paid me back
I'm just saying it's fucking crazy
he owes me $19 for when we saw The Favourite.
Are you going to square?
What is this, an adoption?
It's like, I better be getting fingered in the back for $19.
And we were past that, so I famously did not finger him when we saw The Favourite.
I left the movie theater bravely unfingered.
You also bravely used your phone on
full brightness
several times. I'm so sorry to stop
this, but I want to publicly say
he in a packed, packed
honey theater, full
brightness, texting his crush.
I want to say, firstly, I would never
ever fucking do that to you.
And I want to say, secondly, I
can't figure out how to get my phone not on full brightness. And I want to say, secondly, I can't figure out
how to get my phone
not on Popeye Ness.
And let me tell you something.
If we ever find the phone...
And please,
everyone look under your seats.
It is not a sweepstakes.
You need to give it back to me.
We gotta go.
Everyone,
please welcome
Hallie Kiefer to the mic!
Yes.
Thank you for having me.
How are you?
Good
I didn't have a look
But I did have loft
You have a look
This is a full look
What are you talking about?
You know it's like
You wear it to the office
You can wear it the rest of your life
We love
This is the office
If this isn't a look
I'll eat my hat
Oh my god
This is a look
What?
Someone just shrieked something
You're a star
Says the audience
Everyone Yes Hallie What? Someone just shrieked something. You're a star, says the audience. Everyone.
Yes.
Hallie.
I feel better that I have notes.
Yeah, right.
Okay, so here we go.
Listen, I have a note, and it's we have to say,
are we picking out one of these notes?
Oh, God.
No, I have notes, and I have thought that I have pre-prepared.
Pre-prepared.
I love that.
And here's Hallie Kiefer's pre-prepared.
I don't think so.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't think so, honey.
Adam McKay's upcoming Dick Cheney biopic, Vice, starring Christian Bale.
I don't need a dramatic reenactment of something that happened nine years ago, honey.
We all lived through two terms of Dick Cheney.
Okay, I don't need someone to uncover his
insidious genius. I was there,
honey. We all
were. Actually,
Hallie, but if you think about it, it's
only by exploring history's villains
that we truly understand them.
Yeah, sure thing,
sweetie. That's like when the big short
won for best screenplay
and then the VPs of all the banks went to prison, okay?
I don't think so, honey.
I don't think so pandering movies about recent history
that make people think that they're actually doing something, okay?
And if you're going to pander, you can go ahead and give me a Condoleezza movie.
Okay.
And that's one minute.
Adam McKay.
We're like Adam McKay.
Holly Kiefer.
And I have to tell you.
What?
Say.
I saw Vice and it's good.
And Vice is good and also
Condoleezza is in it but they don't make a big deal
about it. I'm like, you gotta make a
big deal about Condoleezza.
Would you say that's a rule of culture? I would say
rule of culture number five.
172? I
agree. Rule of culture number 172.
You gotta make a big deal about
Condoleezza. And this is for the straights
in the audience. She might coach an NFL team.
Wait, coach?
Yeah, she might coach.
You might see her on the field like this.
Oh my God, with a headset?
And then whisper something to the other coach like this.
Podcasts are a visual medium.
I just did a really good impression of a coach.
I love that act out.
I love that act out.
The sound of toothbrush goes buzz, buzz, buzz.
Clean my teeth. Make them good good that is just a little song about brushing teeth what do you think of that bow i loved it and not only was it a song it was
a christmas carol for the holiday season um the thing was it was wheels on the bus right but then
i think because it's about a buzzy toothbrush oh the buzziest gift this season
oh it is a holiday a carol oh it's a holiday carol all right you know what i'm saying you
know wheels on the bus it's reminiscent of many holiday songs absolutely and had someone told me
that was um you know ding dong the bells in the halls or whatever i would have believed them but
it's as good as ding dong and the bells in the halls right matt here's the thing there's a buzzy
gift on everyone's list this year of course that's that's i guess the reason for all the buzz humor
yes it's something they'll use twice every day and it was featured on oprah's o-list and it's
perfect for everyone with a mouth yeah making a list brushing them twice yes how about that
how about that and you know just let's just let get to it. This it gift that we're talking about is Quip,
the electric toothbrush designed to make brushing better.
And Quip makes holiday travels clean and easy
with a multi-use cover that mounts to mirrors
and unmounts to slide over the bristles
for on-the-go brushing.
And you know all about their sensitive sonic vibrations,
gentle enough on your little sensitive gums,
and there's a built-in timer with guiding
pulses to remind you when to switch sides you know all about quip at this point if you're a
lasco treason fan or even a podcast man in general you know all about quip oh baby we love quip we've
loved them for over a year now yeah you often will just start conversations not with hello but with
i love quip i'll say i love quip i love that they're one of the first electric toothbrushes
accepted by the american dental association and have thousands of verified five-star reviews.
I love that. And you know what I, you know what actually is a controversial thing? What? I said
to you, Merry Christmas. And you said, I love Quip. And you know what? They don't say Merry
Christmas anymore in America. You're right. That's the war on Christmas is we're losing it,
but we love Quip so much and they have over 5 000 verified five star reviews
and you know quip looks like a big ticket tech gift with a stocking stuff for price
starting at just 25 and if you go to getquip.com forward slash ding dong right now you get your
first refill pack for free with a quip electric toothbrush but you don't have to tell your gift
either don't tell them no ruin the either. Don't tell them that.
No, ruin the gift.
Leave a little mystery.
And that's your first refill pack free at getquip.com
slash ding dong.
D-I-N-G-D-O-N-G.
You better get going
and deck your teeth.
And here we go. Everyone welcome liz arkery to the mic
and these are the pants i see in the mirror when i look in it oh thank you i want to be in those
pants oh great i want you to be my pants oh okay but we can work it out this is a one piece no
it's a one piece oh it's a one piece oh. It's a one piece. Oh, it's a one piece.
Oh my gosh, I love.
Thank you.
These are men's shoes because I wear a size 12 and a half in women's.
And I love.
Thank you.
Now, Liz, we have, of course, two options.
We have the trouble.
We do have pre-prepared.
What's your deal?
I'm going to do pre-prepared.
I love it.
Here comes Liz.
Here comes her.
I don't think so, honey.
Her time starts now. In honor of Mickey Mouse's 90th birthday this month, I don't think so, honey.
Disney Quest.
This is a very niche thing.
Disney Quest, you bill yourself as an adjacent VR experience to the Disney World parks in Orlando.
I don't think so, honey.
Bitch,
you are a,
you promise that the magic will continue once you leave the parks for the
day.
You know what?
I have news for you,
honey.
It doesn't.
The magic comes to a screeching fucking halt.
Okay.
You promise,
you promise that you're going to be this beautiful.
You get to ride Aladdin's magic carpet.
That was built in 1996, motherfucker, and it has not been updated.
You are a dilapidated arcade in downtown Disney.
You are nothing more than a soda-stained overpriced Dave and Buster's bitch.
Hey, Disney Quest, are you a guy I'm fucking?
Because I'm tired of pretending to like video games
to feel close to you.
Wow!
Y'all don't know.
She's right.
Disney Quest is not the fifth theme park, bitch.
What?
It's torn down, right?
It's not there?
Good.
Make room for a big ass Chili's or something.
I love Chili's.
I love Chili's too.
I love Chili's.
Wait, I love Chili's.
Don't drag Chili's. Not when I'm around. It's rule of culture number nine. I love chilies I love chilies too I love chilies Wait I love chilies Don't drag chilies
Not when I'm around
It's rule of culture number nine
I love chilies
Okay
Gird your loins everybody
And welcome Rachel Sennett
Hello Rachel Sennett
Hi Rach
Oh my god
I'm so excited to be here
The material on my shirt
Is aggravating my back sit
But other than that
I am amazing Oh my god, I'm so excited to be here. The material on my shirt is aggravating my back sit, but other than that, I am amazing.
Oh my God.
And with that, what are we thinking?
The trouble or the pre-prepared?
Pre-prepared, baby.
Oh, cool.
Yep.
Rachel Simmons, pre-prepared,
I don't think so, honey, topic, begins now.
I don't think so, honey.
Girls who post dead birds on Instagram.
Yeah, fuck. No way no way okay you are compensating
for not having a personality first of all i'm confused do you like animals or not i don't know
i don't know second of all are you trying to prove to me that you're sad because if you were sad you
wouldn't see the dead birds because your eyes would be filled with tears.
Yes.
True.
Also, these girls, they're not just posting dead birds.
Okay.
They're posting dead rats, other dead animals that you can't identify, pictures of trash.
What is going on? These things I see on the street, I look away.
I look away because I don't want to see them.
Okay.
So why are you attacking me
In another medium
I should feel safe on my phone
Yes
That is the only place I should feel safe
I don't want to see a dead bird
A dead rat
A dead piece of trash
I don't think so honey
Girls who post dead birds on Instagram
I agree
I agree. Cosign.
I agree.
Oh, my God.
I would never look at a dead thing.
I wouldn't look at a dead thing.
I would never, ever.
Everyone, give it up for this group and star in Amy Adams as Amy.
We have Jenny Rachel Weiner, Halle Kiefer, Liz Arcuri, and Rachel Sennett.
Goodbye, fabulous girls.
Goodbye, girls. Oh, fabulous girls. Goodbye, girls.
Oh my gosh.
All right.
Now, here's the thing.
Yes.
Speaking of the film
that we saw together
as a platonic couple.
Okay, if this is another segue,
I'm going to freak out.
You're about to freak out, honey.
No, I'm going to freak.
Because this next group
is called
The Favorites with a U.
Ah!
Please welcome Miles Robbins.
Please welcome Geraldine Viswanathan.
Please welcome Allie Colbert.
Please welcome Christina Hutchinson.
Please welcome Melinda Taub.
And please welcome Courtneyinda Taub. And please welcome
Courtney Saladay.
We are all here together.
Oh, yeah.
Now, here we go.
Miles Robbins to the mic, please.
Please.
Hello. Why wasn't Andy Serkis
in the Emoji Movie?
In what movie? Andy Serkis. Why wasn't he in the Emoji Movie? Why wasnkis in the Emoji Movie? In what movie? Andy Serkis. Why wasn't he
in the Emoji Movie? Why wasn't he in the Emoji
Movie? I don't know. This isn't my
bit. I'm just asking. Oh, I mean, I guess
he should be in any movie where they need someone
to act out things that move around. He's very
good at it. Yeah. Wait, who? I
missed. Andy Serkis. Do you know Andy Serkis?
I don't know that person. He's the cartoon man.
He's the cartoon man. So basically what he
does is he will act
and then from his acting
they create like King Kong.
Oh, I don't like that
as a job.
He doesn't like it.
That shouldn't be a job.
I think that the people
should just draw
what they want to draw.
You don't like it
when they put like dots
on Zoe Saldana
and then all of a sudden
there's Avatar?
I'm going to make a bold choice
that I don't like that.
So I think we have
the answers to your question.
And that's Las Cosaristas. You're welcome.
Alright, so listen, Miles.
Are we going to do a pre-selected topic
or do you have an idea about the trouble?
I have notes.
And I don't have any short-term
memory. Okay, perfect.
So I'm going to read them.
There's a printer at my mother's-term memory. Okay, perfect. That's okay. So I'm going to read them. I like that.
There's a printer at my mother's house.
Oh, okay, brag.
Where I live.
Brag.
Brag, again, no rent.
So I have a pre-select.
Pre-selected.
This is Miles Robbins' pre-selected I Don't Think So Honey.
And his time will begin now.
I Don't Think So Honey, carbon footprint shame.
Yeah. I don't like global warming honey. Carbon footprint shame. Yeah.
I don't like global warming, but there's no way that I am accepting responsibility, okay?
I am one little worm with a television.
Best Buy has 100 televisions, and they're playing SportsCenter all day, every day, okay?
I will not feel bad about flying to California to visit my dad while the NFL flies military jets over their stadiums just so their fans can come for the national anthem.
Okay?
Brushing my teeth in the shower.
30 seconds.
To conserve water will not do much when there are golf courses in fucking Arizona.
Okay?
Riding my bike to save gas doesn't do shit while
NASCAR exists.
I don't think so, honey. NASCAR.
We do not need NASCAR. Only people in Florida
like NASCAR and fuck Florida.
While I'm here, I don't think
so, honey. Florida. If you want to keep
fucking elections, you can at least get erect.
You have flaccid shmegma haven of
a state. Florida's best asset
is that it is a place
where Art Basel goes to score coke.
I once tried Googling best artists in Florida
and it auto-corrected to arsonists.
Okay?
I guess the good news is that it will be
underwater soon anyway.
Thank you very much.
I don't think so, honey.
And that's my old Robbins.
I don't think so, honey.
Wow.
Wow.
Very good. It's actually a rule of culture. A number 90. I once Googled best
artists in Florida and it auto corrected to arsonists. I really enjoy that. All right.
Everyone welcome Geraldine Viswanathan to the mic., Geraldine. Hi.
How are you doing?
I'm great.
And how are you feeling about the troll bowl?
And just like everything going on.
And everything going on.
And the proposal, the Eminem proposal.
Yeah.
It could be you.
It's a pre for me.
It's a pre for you.
Pre-selected.
And here she goes.
Here's Geraldine's I Don't Think So Honey.
Time will begin now.
I Don't Think So Honey babies.
I'm sorry if there are any babies in the audience tonight.
But every time I hang out with a baby, we have nothing to talk about.
And it's super awkward it's actually really bad
like
99% of babies don't work
30 seconds
they don't have jobs
and like the 1% are models and actors
and like that's basic as fuck
like get a real job, babies.
And, like, don't talk to me unless your baby is mixed race.
And I'm not saying that because, like, I'm mixed race.
I was actually, like, never a baby.
And I think that's why I can't relate.
Five seconds.
The only baby that I am here for is gay icon uh baby prince george
i am anti-baby but pro prince george i am a royalist yes queen thank you that's one minute
thank you for swannathan she is a royalist wow i love that i love that i'm here for baby prince
baby george and i also love that he's a gay icon here for baby Prince George too I'm here for baby George
and I also love that
he's a gay icon
and I also think that
Geraldine kind of
maybe offered some inspo
for a new Lost Cult March
which would be
it's a pre for me
It's a pre for me
It's a pre for me
Thank you for that merch
I will make money
off of that
Alright
Everyone please
welcome
we're very excited
to have Allie Colbert
here tonight
What's up? Hi Hi Hi All right. Everyone, please welcome. We're very excited to have Allie Colbert here tonight.
What's up?
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you feeling?
It's exciting to have an Allie on the stage.
Allie.
Because I love an Allie in film and I love Allie on the stage.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
And I love an Allie on stage in a film.
I love that too.
Yeah.
And we are behind you. Stars born.
Yes, exactly.
That's what we're getting at. I know.
Can I say, similarly
to how Bradley Cooper shot the film,
we're behind you.
And now we can see the perspective of the
audience. And that's why we're both going to show
our abs to the entire fucking room
tonight. Perfect.
Okay, so listen. Are we doing
a pre-selected topic or the
trouble? We're gonna do pre. I love that. It's a pre-selected topic or the trouble? We're going to do pre.
I love that.
It's a pre for me.
Yes.
Allie Colbert, here you go.
Your time begins now.
I don't think so, honey.
People wanting to date people who have nice families.
Like, I'm good with my family.
I don't want to deal with another family.
You know what I mean?
Like, the best person to date is someone whose entire family has died in a car crash.
Listen to me.
Find yourself a sexy and capable orphan.
They are single.
They are available.
They are free.
30 seconds.
Mother-in-laws.
I don't think so, honey.
I have a mother.
I'm not looking for another one.
I don't want to spend the holidays with someone else's family.
I don't want to talk to my boring ass uncle.
Why would I want to talk to yours?
You know what I mean?
10 seconds.
Thanksgiving with your family when my mom is at home serving her stuffing and her mashed
potatoes to the people who raised me?
I don't think
so, honey. Five seconds.
That's all I have, honey.
And that's one minute!
Allie Colbert!
Wow. I agree.
I agree, and I once
met this really hot guy who was an orphan, and it was
the hottest thing I ever heard in my life.
He was, like,
wrestling around the foster care system as a youth,
and now he's like succeeding, I think,
and at least being really hot.
Yeah, that's good.
At least that.
All right, everyone.
I think about him all the time.
I think about him all the time.
Please welcome a true icon, Christina Hutchinson to the mic.
Hello.
Hi. Hi.
Hi.
Oh, man.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, here we go.
Talk to me.
I'm fucking pissed, man.
Oh, she's mad.
I think that means pre-selected.
I got a pre-selected topic,
and I'm really going to try to get in every word that I wrote down.
Oh, I am, like, excited.
Here we go.
Christina, your I Don't Think So Honey time starts now. I Don't Think So Honey
tampon commercials.
As someone who is actively bleeding
right this very second, tampon commercials
can suck my fucking clit.
They're all like, what's a day like on your
period? And then they cut to a shot of a girl
in a white bikini doing the limbo at a pool
party with a smile on her face as if
she's smoking a blunt, riding a Sibian
on the deck of her fucking summer home. Fuck you, you honey what's it like when i'm on my period i'm gross i'm angry
i'm bloated and the true irony of all this is i'm the horniest i will ever be all goddamn month
i am hornier than a 15 year old straight boy sitting in between two pairs of titties at the
playboy fucking mansion i'm not running through a park walking my shih tzu in a white pair of jeans.
Every sneeze is a gamble.
15 seconds.
Every cough is a lightning bolt of fear that I'm going to go full on Carrie in my underwear
while I'm standing in line at the grocery store.
I'm sporting a baby bump full of angry air and I got a Ben and Jerry's in one hand
and a Tachi Magic wand in the other hand and I want to punch everyone in the fucking face.
One minute.
And that's one minute.
They're on their feet.
They're on their feet.
They're on their feet.
Christina Hutchinson.
Wow, I haven't heard the term.
Unbelievable.
I haven't heard the term Sibian in a long time.
I haven't heard the term Sibian in a long time,
and I'm just grateful. We need to do more with Sibians. We need to do more with Sibian in a long time. I haven't heard the term Sibian in a long time, and I'm grateful.
We need to do more with Sibians.
We need to do more with Sibians.
Everyone, write that down.
Get out your little notebooks that you all have.
We need to do more with Sibians.
Cool.
All right, everyone.
Melinda Taub is coming to the mic.
Hey, hey, hey.
How you feeling?
Real good.
Yes.
How are you?
Are we doing a pre-selected topic or the show ball, which is here?
I'm going to do pre-prepared.
I love it.
Cool.
Here we go.
Pre-prepared topic from Melinda.
And your time will begin now.
I don't think so, honey.
Airplane safety videos.
First of all, how dare you suggest that if I'm in a fucking plane crash i don't get to die
i don't want to i don't want to survive that shit are you kidding me
best case scenario of surviving a plane crash is like slowly bleeding out while you get eaten by sharks or like ending up on a confusing island.
30 seconds.
I don't think so, honey.
And what?
You're telling me that if the plane crashes, I have jobs?
I don't think so, honey.
My only job is to go to heaven.
15 seconds.
And I don't think so, honey, on paying job is to go to heaven. 15 seconds. And I don't think so, honey,
on paying celebrities to be in your video.
However much you fucking paid Gillian Anderson to be British
for the day, you could have spent it on
giving me a centimeter more of room, because my
knees are in my armpits. I don't think so, honey.
Yes, Melinda!
That was...
Melinda Taub, everybody!
Very on point. Very on point.
I want to die if any one thing
goes wrong on a plane.
I'd rather be dead.
My literal dream.
To die in a plane crash.
Is that okay to say?
Alright, here we go!
Everyone, to close out Act 1,
please welcome Courtney Saladay!
Hey, Court! Hey,
Court! Hey, Court! Hey!
What's up? Oh, so much
is up. Having a really good time.
Yeah, we're having fun tonight. Alright, so
listen. To continue the good times,
it's a troll bowl,
or it's a pre-selected... It's gonna be a pre for me, John!
Pre for me! Watch this, watch this!
It's gonna be a pre for she!
Oh!
Sorry, I didn't realize. High five! Alright! It's going to be a pre for she. Sorry.
High five.
All right.
So your time, Courtney, will begin.
Oh, my God.
My phone just did something insane.
Your time begins right now.
I don't think so, honey.
Cab driver asking me for directions?
Yes!
Are you serious?
First of all, I don't have a lot of of money this is like a huge luxury for me i was supposed to be relaxing it's like a spa and now you're giving me something to do
i can't listen to music i can't listen to a podcast because i can't play the directions
out loud i don't know if you can hear. I have to like repeat them out loud to you.
Do I expect you to know every street in the city?
Yeah. But if you don't, get one of those things that goes on your air with the GPS.
Like people complain that Uber is killing your industry.
It's like step it up.
I don't think so, honey.
This is either passenger.
It's so rude.
10 seconds.
Okay, so also.
Five.
Emotional labor, women, it's not fair.
That's what I mean.
I don't think so.
Give it up for the favorites.
We had Miles Robbins, Geraldine Viswanathan,
Allie Colbert, Christina Hutchinson,
Melinda Taub, and Courtney Saladay.
Thank you.
Okay.
Wow.
Can I ask you a question?
Are we having a good time?
Cool.
You could have said no.
You could have said no, and the fact that you wooed,
that means everything to us.
Yes.
It's that little shit.
It's that little shit.
Like when someone fucking woos, that could change your whole fucking day.
And let me tell you, y'all are going to go to the bar right now during our 10 to 12 minute intermission.
Jessica's back there.
You're going to tip-ha, and we're going to come back here, and we're going to do more I Don't Think So Honey.
We'll see you guys. And do not leave and miss the marriage proposal that will happen on this stage tonight in our second half.
We'll see you then on The Bachelor.
Forever.
Dog.
This has been a Forever Dog production.
Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio and Alex Ramsey. For more original
podcasts, please visit forever dog podcasts dot com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts,
Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest forever dog news by following
us on Twitter and Instagram at forever dog team and liking our page on Facebook.
Curious about queer sexuality, cruising and expanding your horizons?
Hit play on the sex positive and deeply entertaining podcast Sniffy's Cruising Confessions.
Join hosts Gabe Gonzalez and Chris Patterson Rosso as they explore queer sex, cruising,
relationships and culture in the new iHeart podcast, Sniffy's Cruising Confessions.
Sniffy's Cruising Confessions will broaden minds and help you pursue your true goals.
You can listen to Sniffy's Cruising Confessions, sponsored by Gilead,
now on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
New episodes every Thursday.
I'm NK, and this is Basket Case.
What is wrong with me?
A show about the ways that mental illness is shaped by not just biology.
Swaps of different meds.
But by culture and society.
By looking closely at the conditions that cause mental distress,
I find out why so many of us are struggling to feel sane,
what we can do about it, and why we should care.
Oh, look at you giving me therapy, girl.
Listen to Basket Case every Tuesday on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Welcome to Gracias Come Again, a podcast by Honey German,
where we get real and dive straight into todo lo actual y viral.
We're talking musica, los premios, el chisme,
and all things trending in my cultura.
I'm bringing you all the latest happening in our entertainment world
and some fun and impactful interviews with your
favorite Latin artists, comedians,
actors, and influencers. Each week
we get deep and raw life stories, combos
on the issues that matter to us, and
it's all packed with gems, fun, straight
up comedia, and that's a song that only
nuestra gente can sprinkle. Listen
to Gracias Come Again on the iHeartRadio
app, Apple Podcasts, or
wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey, friends.
I'm Jessica Capshaw.
And this is Camilla Luddington.
And we have a new podcast.
Call it what it is.
You may know us from Graceland Memorial, but did you know that we are actually besties in real life?
And as all besties do, we navigate the highs and lows of life together.
Big or small, we're there.
And now here we are, opening up the friendship circle to you.
Listen to Call It What It Is on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.