Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - On The Fifth Day of Culture... July 2nd, 2020: Ghislaine Maxwell, You're Under Arrest!
Episode Date: December 16, 2020Las Culturistas becomes a true crime podcast for one episode only as Matt and Bowen finally truly take down the notorious and stupid-yet-British criminal who should rot in Hell named Ghislaine Maxwell... on the 5th episode of the 12 Days of Culture series. Finally, a pair of podcasters do a close read on the name "Ghislaine". Every letter is scrutinized as the two girls who host as Cultch peel back the many layers that is this bad and ultimately evil first name. Along the way, Matt and Bow imagine what Vanna White's inner monologue must be like, and the two create a play as a result. Also, do aliens exist? If you're doing anything other than listening to this podcast episode today? "Can it, Missy." Alright, see ya tomorrow! Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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This fall on Bravo.
It's time to turn up.
Think you've seen it all?
I don't think you've been a good friend to me lately.
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You broke the rules and now you're here getting upset.
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Everybody has an issue.
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Look, Matt.
Oh, I see.
Wow.
Oh, and look over there.
Wow.
Is that culture?
Yes.
Oh, my goodness.
Wow.
Las Culturistas.
Ding dong. Las Culturistas. Ding dong.
Las Culturistas calling.
Day five.
I'm having a fun time.
Having a little bit of a fun time.
And this is the thing.
So you know what's one type of podcast that's really popular?
What?
True Crime.
Yes, girl.
Yes, queen.
I don't really listen to them.
Me neither.
Not a single one.
What do you think makes them so popular?
I think that people love trying to parse out in their head the whodunit of them all.
You know what I mean?
Like, I think that, and also I think people like to be a fly on the wall
to something that is grisly.
I really think that with that, they don't want something nasty and bad
and dark and violent to happen to them, but they're curious.
They have a morbid curiosity, as they say.
I don't care about the who and who done it you and
i care about what the why i think i think you should call them why done it's because that's
the juice honey yeah that's what you want that's like i don't okay great this person
killed that person that's not that that doesn't tell the whole story. I mean, I need some more context. Yes. The why, why is what we want to know.
And you as an actor,
as a artist,
you're always thinking of the motivations.
You know what I mean?
Like in so many of your creations,
I,
it's a fully realized,
you know,
exactly where they came from.
Like every,
every time you do a sketch,
right.
You think of this.
Sketch comedy is something that has to be very nuanced, very deep.
It's never about, you know, doing it.
It's never about anything except the motivation.
Yeah.
So this is really why I guess I bring this up is because I think today we're actually
going to be a little bit of a true crime podcast.
We're going to be a little bit of a true crime podcast. We're going to be a little bit of a true crime podcast,
but only today.
Only today.
And then everyone can go back to your other podcasts that you enjoy,
like,
you know,
my favorite murder or et cetera,
cereal,
you know,
these other kind of grizzly,
you know,
they're so scary.
These podcasts,
we're going to only get a little bit spooky today as we talk about a very
bad criminal.
Bad criminal.
Who's now sent up the river, as they say.
As they say.
This is day five and on the fifth day of culture, it was July 2nd, 2020 Ghislaine Maxwell
You're under arrest
This is the day that Ghislaine Maxwell was thrown in jail
Arrested in New Hampshire
They found her and they threw her in the bin
Where she belongs
Has there ever been anyone more loathsome than Ghislaine?
I don't think there's ever been anyone more loathsome,
and I couldn't believe when they finally found her
and threw her in the damn bin.
She is horrid.
And you know what I don't like about Ghislaine?
What?
She ran away in her house.
She ran away.
You know when they knocked on her door and said,
Ghislaine, come out.
They said that she was spotted running away in the house. Guess what, stupid? house when she ran away you know when they knocked on her door and said Ghislaine come out they said
that she was spotted running away in the house guess what stupid you can't go anywhere in the
house what are you gonna do jump no no no your house ain't that big no in fact not for nothing
but get a bigger house get a better house get it harder to find house be richer these millions
shut up gillane
want me to care want me to care about you you should have been richer stupid british
it's one of the stupidest british people ever and guess what y'all are supposed to be smart
honey you're offsetting the average you're an outlier babe i don't g. Can we talk about this stupid name?
Let's just go letter by letter.
Okay.
Yeah.
G.
Cool.
Fun.
Different.
Um,
I was so far.
I'm into it.
And then I,
then, and then I even hear the hard G like,
and I'm like,
Oh,
interesting.
What's this person's name?
Then what comes next?
Here's what it is.
Twist.
You ready for it? H. H. is. Twist. You ready for it?
H.
H.
Okay.
What is it going to be?
Gentry?
Don't tell me it's going to be Gandhi, honey, because there's only one queen with that name.
There's only Gandhi.
It's G-A.
I think you're wrong.
I think it's G-H-A-N-D-I-N.
I don't think I'm.
Can I say this?
We won't cut it out no matter what.
It's I'm, and I just looked it up.'t cut it out no matter what. It's I'm,
and I just looked it up.
I can,
I can confirm that I am correct.
What?
G A N D H I.
Wow.
Okay.
Spelling be my ass off.
I would be out of the spelling bee down.
Look,
I see,
I see your name and I see the letters G H.
I'm like,
wait a minute.
I forgot to buckle up because what because where the fuck are we going?
Yeah.
I just want to pause on this and say that Hans just chimed into the chat
and said, to be fair, he didn't spell it with the same letters.
So actually, you're being very sort of American capitalist.
What does that mean, Hans?
What do you mean, Hans?
Hans, come in the chat.
Didn't spell it with the same letters? Come in. What does that mean? Roman letters. No you mean, Hans? Hans, come in the chat. Didn't spell it with the same letters?
Come in.
What does that mean?
Roman letters.
No, this is not enough.
Come back.
Oh, no.
Well, he's saying that, yeah, that Gandhi himself did not anglicize his own name.
Romanize, you know, what have you.
Uh-huh.
Exactly.
Which was my point.
It was.
It was. And you anglicized it. And you ang point. It was.
And you anglicized it.
And you anglicized a lot.
I know. I know.
G-H.
Where does your mind go when you see
a name that starts with G-H?
Can I be real?
I'm hoping it's something like
Gelly.
No, but G-H-E-L-L.
Unacceptable.
I think it's unacceptable,
but once someone says G and I'm like,
I'm like,
Oh God,
I have no idea.
Let me just get real specific for everybody's,
for everybody.
You tell me this woman,
this is the name of a middle-aged British woman.
That's all I'm telling you.
She's white.
What do you think of these letters as I,
as I sequence them out for you?
And what do you think?
Well,
by the time it gets to H I'm like,
I have,
I'm so thrown off and disoriented.
I don't trust her already.
I don't trust her already.
No.
Okay.
So what's the next letter?
I,
excuse me.
Gila. I'm like, what? G i excuse me gila i'm like what ghi ghi ghi i'm like did you
pronounce georgia wrong i'm like did you pronounce gina wrong mama did you pronounce georgette wrong
no no the the person tells you it's ghi and i, well, let me just sit back in my chair, kick up my damn feet and see how the rest of this plays out.
Oh, let me strap myself in even further with the second buckle.
It's just popped over my face.
I say, honey, this roller coaster has started and we're on it.
And there's multiple buckles and fastenings.
Talk about the next letter.
You're not going to believe it.
S it's so guess,
guess geese.
I don't sister,
sister.
I'm tired.
I'm not Canadian,
sweetie.
I,
I bitch.
I don't like the geese.
Get the geese away from me.
Get the geese off the TV.
I'm not trying to see that.
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking, I'm literally thinking, okay, I guess I bought a ticket to the damn circus. Might as well stay to the end when the elephants twirl.
I'm thinking, I guess I elected for a procedure at the surgeon's office so that my head can go spin around on the damn hinge
off the hinge and also i'm thinking are they gonna pull this off you know what i mean like what when
i'm when i'm g-h-i-s far into this name i'm like okay is going to be some twist where they pull off this woman's first name
and I have to eat crow?
You know what I mean?
Will I have to eat crow tonight?
Oh my God.
And you hate crow.
I hate eating crow.
It's a very gamey bird.
And no one wants to eat crow.
You know why it's gamey?
Why?
Iron, a lot of iron content.
Well, there you go.
There you go.
And as far as I'm concerned,
I don't think I'll be eating crow,
but then we get the next letter.
But there's a possibility.
What's the next letter?
I think it's your turn.
The next letter is L.
Excuse me?
You're excused.
That doesn't make no one bit of sense so now what we've got is is literally
the word giselle and you're telling me we're getting a name out of this
giselle this woman's real and british real british and powerful powerful woman she's a powerful white woman of british descent
because none of these letters make any sense i've only i'm five letters and i only got one
damn vowel get the fuck out and let me tell you something i got zero patience thank you
and thank you hello g h i s l geesel how are they gonna get out of this one hey pat say jack this bitch is broke
she she can't even buy any vowels for herself and mama vanna white's turned to soup honey
because she's looking at the board saying there's no way vanna white's staring at the board saying
geesel she's saying i've never seen anything
like this on wheel of fortune and my 45 years of tapping the screens on this show i've never
seen nothing she broke her silence see the thing about vanna is she's actually very quiet very
quiet girl only at the end when pat sort of asked her like what'd you do this weekend will she say anything at all right but she vanna white when she
started to spell this name gee lane on the wheel of fortune board she had to stop and say now hold
on a minute hold on i've never seen anything like this she broke her silence and said i'm pat i
could get fired for this but i have to say this this doesn't feel right at all. This doesn't sit right with me.
And she would be right because the next letter is in fact.
Well, you know what?
God, you remember two seconds ago when I was like, there aren't enough vowels.
I could use another one.
Now it's like, I will be careful.
We'll be careful what you wish for because this, this, this is deeply unsettling.
A.
A. So now it's
literally you're like Gisla.
Gisla. Ask me one letter
ago, I've been like, please, for the love
of God, give me a vowel in this name.
But now that I have that vowel,
I'm like, oh, I didn't want that vowel.
Yeah, yeah. And so this is where
you start to think. Because now I have Gisla.
Gisla. But the thing is though, Beau, this is where I'm at at this point in the name.
This is where I'm like, oh my God, are they going to, at this juncture,
start using vowels and more consonants later to sort of make this work?
Because now I'm looking at it like G H I S L.
And I'm,
I am thinking to myself,
get,
get,
get.
And I think I'll like Island.
And I'm like,
Gil is Gila.
Is this it?
This might be something that,
that could be a name.
And that's,
this is the part of the name where i start to
get really scared because just because it's sort of because they might figure it out they might
figure it out and they had not inspired much confidence before so it's very very upsetting
to see a vowel come up and you go oh Oh my God, my greatest fears unfolding right before my eyes.
Because that's when I realized,
okay,
this person,
these people might actually be really powerful.
And it's,
it's scary.
Cause then when you hear the next letter,
you realize that the tides are turning.
What is it?
It's I.
Gila.
They're going to do it. They're good. They're going to do it.
They're going to pull this off.
It's like sick.
It's like watching an election go south.
It's like,
oh my God,
this is really happening.
The returns are coming in and you're like,
damn it.
Guile.
My work,
my hard work,
canvassing,
phone banking, donating, talking to my relatives talking to my
friends it's it's it's not going to matter it's it wasn't enough so there's part of me that still
has hope because right now the word does look like geese geeseli. Gisli. And I'm like, this can't.
No, this is not a thing.
This is where they start to sort of put the lid on it.
Yeah.
In a sick way.
They don't tighten it.
They don't screw it on just yet, but the lid is on.
No.
Because you're like, oh my God, it's making it at the factory.
Mm-hmm.
N.
N.
Gilan. Gilan.. N. Ghilan.
Ghilan.
Ghilan.
Ghilan.
Ghilan.
Ghizlan.
Ghizlan.
Ghizlan.
Ghizlan.
Now I'm like, okay, it's kind of pretty.
Ghizlan.
Not really.
But I mean, pretty to some.
But it's coming together in a way that you didn't expect at first.
Tough.
And Vanna is looking embarrassed
she's wishing she hadn't spoken up and she she's the writing's on the wall she's gonna get they're
gonna producer's gonna grab her by the arm once the cameras stop rolling and go vanna the producer
is gonna talk to you and she says she says will you let go of my arm will you let go of my you're hurting me stop it with your grip
you're hurting me and then the the producer says you can it and she says i've never been spoken to
like this i flipped the panels for years get off of me now you know what i will go speak to them and she gets sat down in the office and
they tell her you were this close one more outburst like that you're gone you're gone
you're gone missy and she says missy and they say i've never been spoken to like this and treated like this
at my place of work
ever
my 45 years working
I have worked here for 45 years
and they say
can it
missy
wait don't end the story yet
because we need to end the story on the last letter
no
and so this is when
you realize we're working with
true evil
because the last
letter is E
and that's when it's clear
that the first name of this
villainous
vituperative venomous woman woman is
gillane gillane gillane gillane and then her last name is max well And she hits you with that everyday last name.
Ghislaine Maxwell.
Maxwell.
It's just-
It's so deceptively familiar and warm.
Yeah.
And trusted.
It's reliable.
No.
And that's the psycho thing about some of these people
is they come in here with their exotic first names
and then a last name like Brown.
You know who's really, really a criminal?
Sudi Green.
Sudi Green.
I'm sorry to say Parvati Shiloh.
Yeah, criminal.
Criminal.
It's crazy.
You can profile people based on their first names.
Bowen Yang.
Yes, yes.
Criminal.
Criminal.
And so now we have Ghislaine maxwell and when vanna returns to the
studio she's walking back she sees that gillane is spelled out on the board and she says i i i'm
sorry i i and then i didn't know and her, her arms start to give out.
She says,
I,
what's going on with my arm?
She can't feel her toes.
She can't feel her toes at all.
And it's very cold.
All of a sudden it's very cold in the studio.
And she realizes she's like,
am I having an anxiety attack?
Am I having a panic attack?
And then one by one,
the lights,
the ceiling lights from the outside of the studio start to
turn off and then and then the ones next to those start to turn off and then it's like boom and it's
like boom all of a sudden like and everyone in the audience is starting to feel cold too and
everyone they can see their breath and all the contestants are like what and you know it's just
it gets really cold in the studio and all of a sudden the doors open and in
walks.
And all you hear is the high heels,
like clack,
clack,
clack,
clack,
clack,
clack,
clack,
clack,
clack,
clack,
clack,
and pan up and everyone pans up.
Cause no one's looking at the, at her face. I was just looking at the shoes and they pan up and everyone pans up because no one's looking at her face.
No.
No one's just looking at the shoes.
And they pan up
and it's Vanessa Lachey
and she says,
I'm doing this now.
Oh my God.
And Vanessa Lachey.
Vanessa Lachey walks over to Vanna White
who is on the floor
just slobbing. Sobbing. Can't feel, does not have any muscle control. Mm-hmm. over to Vanna White who is on the floor just sobbing
does not have any
muscle control
at all
as if she's being attacked remotely
and she says
I'm sorry I didn't believe that
Ghislaine could be a name
and then Vanessa says shut up
she says shut up
and then she walks over to the board to assume her new job.
And then she turns back and looks over her shoulder.
She goes, actually, on second thought, can it, Missy?
Curtains.
Curtains down.
End of play.
End of play.
It's a play.
Twist.
It was a play. Twist, it was a play.
Twist, it was a play all along.
And this is the problem with everyone that listens to our podcast,
is for them, things have to be movies and shows.
And guess what?
Sometimes things can be plays.
It's actually rule of culture number 94.
Sometimes things can be plays.
Plays. sometimes things things can be plays plays i think i would love to see like a play about
um a game show host duo dynamic like pat sajak and manna white oh what should what should what
should their dynamic be it should be like on tv it's like i'm sure like they get along great
in real life but like the dynamic should be it should be like morning show or something but it's like larry sanders but a game show yes like larry sanders as well
just like but then you know behind behind the scenes things get ugly what if what if this is
crazy it's wheel of fortune but um and so there's a host and a vanna white and the second they get
backstage the vanna White is like,
what are you doing, you fool?
I told you!
And all of a sudden,
the girl who does the stupid thing
of pressing the screens
actually turns out to be
one of the most powerful people
in entertainment.
Like Delaine.
Like...
Like Delaine. Real talk, when I first heard about gilane maxwell i thought i don't know who that
is and i i honestly went to go look her up and couldn't figure out how gilane worked
i think that was that that was a lot of people And that's what makes her so fucking sneaky.
Oh, yeah.
You don't remember her name.
It's like she could have.
That's why we haven't said his name once.
No, and we won't.
We won't?
Okay.
We call him you know who.
Like what because Trump.
Yes.
That's why she was his.
She could like sort of be sneaky in his right hand person this whole time.
The whole time is because.
No one can spell your name. Who is that woman?
And they were like Gila,
right?
And they were like,
yes,
that was Gila.
Very shifty.
I hope she gets what's coming to her.
Oh,
she will prison.
She should be in prison for the rest of her life.
And we should also say for real,
she should.
I don't think that's, I don't think that's unclear.
No, it's not unclear.
Our stance on the Ghislaine of it all.
I think that.
We should take a, everyone take a stance on Ghislaine today.
Yeah, can everyone just finally take a stance on Ghislaine?
Talk to your family members about Ghislaine so that they can take a stance on it too,
because we can't, you know, we can't, we can't be neutral in this otherwise the oppressor wins is that one way to bring america together galane
absolutely yes
this fall on bravo it's time to turn up think you've seen it all i don't think you've been a
good friend to me lately we're friends like like that. Who needs enemies? You ain't seen nothing yet.
Here's to being dramatic.
With the Real Housewives of Potomac.
Oh my gosh, can I take this in?
It's gonna be amazing.
New York City.
Everyone is a gossip.
No one gets out of here alive.
Salt Lake City.
We don't wear costumes, we wear fashion.
And below deck sailing.
You broke the rules and now you're here getting upset.
Watch all new seasons on Bravo or stream it on City TV+.
Let's have a real good time.
I'm Julian Edelman.
I'm Rob Gronkowski.
Guess what, folks?
We're teammates again.
And we're going to welcome you guys all to Dudes on Dudes.
I'm a dude, you're a dude, and Dudes on Dudes is our brand new show.
We're going to highlight players, peers, guys that we played against,
legends from the past,
and we're just going to sit here and talk about them.
And we'll get into the types of dudes.
What kind of types of dudes are there, Gronk?
We got studs, wizards.
We got freaks.
Or dudes dude.
We got dogs.
Dogs.
We'll break down their games.
We'll share some insider stories
and determine what kind of dude each of these dudes are.
Is Randy Moss a stud or a freak?
Is Tom Brady a dog or a dude's dude?
We're going to find out, Jules.
New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season.
Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I felt too seen.
Dragged. get your podcasts. I felt too seen. Um, dragged. I'm NK and this is Basket Case. So I basically had what back in the day they would call a nervous breakdown. I was crying and I was inconsolable.
It was just very big sudden swaps of different meds. What is wrong with me?
Oh, look at you giving me therapy, girl.
Finally, a show for the mentally ill girlies.
On Basket Case, I talk to people about what happens when what we call mental health
is shaped by the conditions of the world we live in.
Because if you haven't noticed, we are experiencing some kind of
conditions that are pretty hard to live with.
But if you struggle to cope,
the society that created the conditions in the first place
will tell you there's something wrong with you
and it will call you a basket case.
Listen to Basket Case every Tuesday
on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey everybody, it's Matt Rogers.
Back when I was a server,
I was one bad day away from a huge
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is a non-profit helping any food service worker who gets hurt, gets sick, loses a family member
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I'm sorry.
This is the way to like really kill two birds with one stone is be like
this is what actual like you know child sex looks like like it's it's the Ghislaine Maxwell's of
the world who like organized this it's not it's not these other bad bad actors you know
but you know the Ghislene thing could go pretty far
what do you mean what does that mean i think a lot of guys out there need to be really worried
ronald mcdonald all the powerful guys
walt disney he should be quaking. Bugs Bunny. Bugs Bunny.
We're coming for you.
Charles M. Schultz.
Pedophile.
No, I take that back.
Cut that out.
No, these can't come out.
These episodes, nothing can come out.
That's not true.
That was a rule of culture.
That was not a rule of culture.
What are your closing thoughts on?
On Ghislaine?
I think that it was one of the 12 days of culture was the day that she was arrested
because I believe that she was one of the worst criminals of all time.
I believe that she should be locked away with the likes of Yolanda Saldivar,
another one of the worst criminals of all time. And Keith Raniere. Keith Raniere. I think he should be locked away with the likes of Yolanda Saldivar, another one of the worst criminals of all time.
And Keith Raniere.
Keith Raniere.
I think he should be locked up for all time.
I think all these people should get locked up.
And that's sort of like my role as the,
one of the hosts of this true crime podcast episode of Lost Culture Is This
is the one that's like wants justice so bad.
You know what I mean?
Justice in the form of imprisonment.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
I love that.
I feel like in every duo,
there's like one that really wants justice.
Like there's like a Mulder and a Scully,
you know,
I want to believe in the skeptic.
Not sure how that relates to us now.
I think you're saying you're,
you're the believer.
Here's the thing do you
believe in aliens yeah okay freak go explain why well there's um is it kepler's paradox
i don't know what it is in order to ask me if i know yes right i have to understand what it is explain why you believe in aliens
yes there are there are these like scientific paradoxes that are like statistically like there
has to be alien life forms in this galaxy i don't know about this galaxy but the paradoxes are that
there are definitely aliens that are out there but the paradox is that none of them will want to come to earth.
The ones that end up being so advanced,
they do come to earth,
um,
will only want to destroy us.
Right.
Yeah.
So you're saying that they are out there,
but they're not going to bother us because they don't want anything from us
because they've already surpassed us
yeah it's oh it's the i'm sorry okay it's the fermi paradox that's what i was trying to um think
about um fermi paradox yes there's more to it i'm oversimplifying it but yeah do you believe in
aliens i actually did hear from a friend today um that there is this idea that we are not a developed enough society,
if you can believe it or not,
to be of use to anyone in another galaxy that would have the opportunity to
come talk to us.
Oh yeah,
for sure.
For sure.
Anyway,
um,
I think this has been a really interesting,
Oh,
Doug says Hans knows.
Wait,
Hans knows Hans. What information do you have about says Hans knows. Wait, Hans knows?
Hans, what information do you have about life
outside of this galaxy?
I think Hans is going to tell us that he believes in aliens
or that he's had an encounter.
It exists, he says.
He says it exists.
Well, that's not going to be enough.
And we only have two more minutes left in the episode.
So you have to like sort of prove
or give credence to your theory
give your info give useful information before we wrap for the day crickets crickets he says i
believe oh forget it he's just being a he's just being a david dukovny and we're we're being
jillian we're being jillian and it's it's i think j Jillian hard G or soft G this is women
figure it out
figure it out with the G's
I really don't trust
hard G soft G culture
I mean like
and then all of a sudden
you get Ghislaine
and then we have to have
this whole episode
I don't trust it
so happy that
that woman is locked up
thank God
thank God
I'm really happy that
we finally walked through her name
well
we still have to to our
appreciation yeah for the day of culture that was the day that gillian maxwell was arrested this
past summer to everyone that put her away what we want to say is i want to thank you
for giving me the best day Culture
You added a little...
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I'm NK, and this is Basket Case.
What is wrong with me?
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Swaps of different meds.
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We are Two Cool Moms.
We certainly are.
And guess where we could find us now?
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Oh, hey, it's Teresa back from the dead again.
Just wanted to pop in and let you know
that Haunting is back on October 22nd.
Spooky season? I own spooky season.
We're serving up some killer stories, literally,
and a few that might make you question whether you really locked the door before getting into bed.
So cancel your lame Halloween plans.
Haunted houses? Overdone.
Candy corn? Honestly, who eats that?
Your new tradition? Listening to me. Haunted houses? Overdone. Candy corn? Honestly, who eats that?
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