Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - "Penis Envy" w/ John Waters

Episode Date: May 13, 2026

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Listen to Kingdom of Fraud on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Look, Matt. Oh, I see. Wow. Bowen, look over there. Wow. Is that culture? Yes.

Oh, goodness. Wow. Las Culturistas. Ding dong. Las Culturistas calling. Welcome to the cavalcade of perversion. Oh, I'm so excited. I'm wearing my, my Seth Bogart merch for our guest.

Yeah. This is what they sold at the account. Museum. Which, come on. Which was... 18 rooms. Oh, my God. How are you up on the...

Because I did my research. On the exhibit or on the museum? Did you see the exhibit? Did you see the exhibit? Oh, it was fab. You went? Yeah, I did go. Amazing.

It's a major day, and also I feel like the spirit of the guest was on the New York City streets today, because I'm walking down the street, and I'm wearing sort of a jacket that I didn't realize had holes in it. And so medication, I was holding in my jacket. fell out just beta blockers felt like anxiety meds fell on the street and a woman ran up a crazy woman with a like a pin like a clothes pin ran up and said do you need a clothes pin and i was like and i was like

what and she goes for your hole and i was like okay today is the day john waters is on oh my god because a woman just ran up to me with a big clothes pin and offered it for me to have for my hole Beau. For your hole. I was like if this isn't a John Waters film, absolutely. It would need to have been a lot bigger, I think. Everything would need to be more outsize. Did you, did you pick up your meds? I got them. Don't worry, everyone. No, we're okay. This is, this is so wonderful. He just celebrated his 80th birthday. Happy birthday. He's going to extremes tour. He's going to Fire Island for the first time in a minute. He sure is. You're going to see him at the Ice Palace. He's now part of the, I guess, turf war. If he's

you want to call it that between Fire Island and Provincetown, but he's a P-Town guy. Oh, yeah, you are kind of like showing your cards there. Wow. I don't really know what else to say. He's my favorite director ever. I've said this on record. I had a hard time picking between female trouble and multiple maniacs in the Criterion Clause. And what did you choose?

I chose multiple maniacs because it's the most shocking movie still of all time to me because of what being stolen divine do in the church. If you know, you know. Oh my god And I was watching Serial Mom on the plane Yesterday for the first time in years And that is a perfect movie It sure is

Perfect film Yeah It's oh my God And I had a sex stream about Johnny Tiff Johnny Tapp Today not even from crime baby No I had a sex stream about Matthew Lillard

Well that's just gonna happen That's just gonna happen But he was like he had like a dark beard And he was just all musly I love the Lillard I love the Lillard Well, he's my favorite. He's here.

Everyone, please. Welcome. John Waters. Thank you. Very much. And happy birthday again. Thank you. I know my birthday.

My God, it was so overhyped that people were yelling happy birthday to me on the subway strangers. What could you ask for? What's the appropriate level of hype for your 80th birthday? Well, I did 59 shows on the road last year. I did nine birthday shows. No, eight, I think, in like 10 days or something. So it was, I was, I'm a carny. I'm on the road.

But the math works out. eight shows? No, what is it? Well, I think it was seven or eight in nine days. I forget, but I did, I was every day doing a different city. It was great. But you don't, but I feel like you maybe, you, you're a little bit allergic to like overpraise, right?

And this is mostly what this podcast is. Well, no, I'm not, I'm just used to. I built a career on bad reviews. Now when I get good ones, I'm shocked. I take them with no irony. Like when the Academy Awards had a museum, how would that ever be podcast? You weren't checking for me before. But it was so great.

It was wonderful. I don't feel like Janice Joplin when she went back to her high school reunion after she was famous. And people were still mean to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They were still mean to her? Yes. No one could give up. Which is kind of funny.

She thought she was going to go in and be like, huh, how showed you, and they were still hateful. Hi, ugly. Basically, they didn't say that. They didn't say that, but they acted like that. Yeah, they felt it. They thought it. But are people still mean to you from? back in the day? Never. The people that were mean to me then didn't matter. We put them in the ads.

We put the bad quotes in the ads. Yeah. And then, but then you'll never put the good quotes now in anything necessarily, right? Oh, sure, we would. We would put them on when my screenplay books came out. But we did publish on the back. The only quote was from the New York Times for Desperate Living, which criterion is putting out in 4K. Let's go. But the quote was, you can look far and wide and you'll never find, but you could look far and wide to find a film this ugly, but really, why would you?

That was in New York Times quote, and that's on the only thing on the back of the screenplay book. That's wonderful. Some of the bad reviews are written the most elegantly, I feel. You know what I mean? Well, then bad reviews mattered.

Today, it doesn't really hurt you that much. Or does it help? But it's don't have the power they used to. Like it used to, if you were an art film, you got a rave review on the New York Times, it was a hit. Yeah. Today, it doesn't mean it's a hit.

If it's the bad one, it's still a bomb. Right. But then our friends, we have friends who have made what I think were immediately considered future cult classics. Our friends Josh Sharpen Aaron Jackson made a movie called Dix the Musical. Yes, I saw it. You did? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Starring Bonas God.

But the thing is a cult classic is the worst thing you can say when you're trying to get financing. That means five smart people liked it and it lost money. Serial mom was a failure when it came out. And the executive that, he doesn't care that it's a hit 20 years later. He was fired because the movie didn't make money. Right. Yeah, that's all that matters. Do you keep in touch with them?

No. I bought a house with the money game. There you go. He got something out of it. He lost his job, but he wouldn't have been happy. No, but he was fair. And, you know, it's just like, my movies are weird. They test it.

They go to mid America to test it. Why? That's not where they're going to play the best. Yeah, but you know what? the person that needs those movies in mid-America, like, thank God they went out and tested there. They get to say, I got to really find my freak. But now

it's a different world. When I go everywhere, my audience is if it's in Iowa or New York, they're the same. They're smart, they dress well, they've seen every movie, because you don't have to go anywhere anymore. You can stay where you are and make it better. Yeah, 100%. I feel like there

is something about maybe hairspray doing so well that that's like the punk the punkiest thing you ever did. It's the most devious because it snuck in it. It plays in Florida and grade schools and nobody bitches. Two men singing a love song, encouraging interracial dating. Racists even like it. They're so stupid.

Wow. So I was reading that you were initially, were you shocked by the PG rating or were you just like, I can't believe we made something? No, I was shocked by it just because it was divine and I. Right. And then Newla at the time was shocked too. They wanted me to put the word shit in so we'd get a PG-13 at least.

I said, no, let's keep it. That's the shock. Now, that it is PG. Yeah, this is the race we're running. Because I even saw a hair spray for the first time in the seventh grade. Well, that's fine. So there you go.

It's perfectly should see it. But any age, that movie's fine. I think it would get a G today. Yeah, you would get a G today. But I just remember it being, because I think that was my first technical exposure. And it was when, like, they're playing, It's when like the woman's holding the sign up that says falsies.

And I was like, oh, there's something different about this movie. And I... Criterion is putting it out now. But we have the side, the scenes that were cut out where Tracy's mean, where she's mean to the kids that work in the drug shop, she gets a hickey in the car and says, hope he doesn't have blue balls, breaks into Amber's house, reads her diary and dyes her hair in her own house,

stuff that wisely got cut out because it goes so far away from the nice girl that Tracy was. Right. But now I want to see the movie of Alt Tracy. Yeah, of All Tracy. Yeah. Hairspray and the other dimension. Yeah. Yeah. Do you and Adam Schenckman still keep in touch? Yeah, some. Yeah, definitely. So Matt's in an Adam Shankman film now. Oh, good. Which one? Stop that train. Wow. Great. It's going to be really fun. It's real. I mean, it just you forget about a time when movies just went for the fucking joke in every single scene. That's what this is. Yeah. Well, I'm looking forward to it. I'll pay to see it. That's what you do. for your friends. You pay to see it. The Friday night it opens in a theater. Absolutely.

It's exciting to be excited about a movie coming out. Absolutely. But on that note, it's like the Dix the musical thing, as it came out, as it screened at Tiff, Midnight Manus, people were like, this is a future cult classic. And like, and like you say, like Josh and Aaron were like, but wait a minute, we wanted this to be like a current, a hit now. A future cult classic means it bombed. Yeah, yeah. And it will take like years of fermenting or whatever. or a patina or something. And you can't make a cult movie happen. I mean, I remember when Mommy Dearest after it came out,

they tried to make it a midnight movie. But why did not drag queens go to the Melania documentary, dressed as her and shout out stuff like Rocky Horror? Wouldn't that have been the most hilarious protest? I know. Take it back from them. So great it would have been. Well, Republicans have female female impersonators.

Mm-hmm. It's drag. Yeah. It's a gender affirmation. It's just their women underneath. I can't believe what the, the drag show that happens at every Republican event now. Well, they all look the same.

They all look like elderly porn stars. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do Fox. Whenever I go on the shows, they're nice to me, and I sell so many books when I do Fox. It's amazing. Wow. Are you seeing where the sales are coming from?

No. I mean, I don't care. You know, if they bought the book, it's certainly not encouraging what they're saying. And they were nice to me on the shows. I don't have any trouble. But everybody that works there looks the same. Yeah, yeah, it's a little odd.

Hot, you know, women that look like, I don't know, people said to me, did you ever go to Jeffrey Epstein's off? What would I do? I'd be horrible, pussy island. I would be hiding under a desk. Exactly. No, I didn't go there. No shared interests.

Yeah. Do you feel like you have this air of respectability now as you walk in the room? Yes, I'm so respectable I could puke. I said that at the Academy Awards Museum. Yes, but it's great. It's nice. It's nothing. I'm not, I don't take it as revenge.

or anything. I think it's just things change. Yeah. At what point did things become cult classics to you in terms of certain films? And I know that's a dirty term. Well, when Pinkfamingos came out right away, it became a midnight thing. So I could tell then it was working. And that was totally by audiences. We went to each city at a separate time. It did one city at a time. This was before video, before internet or anything. So you'd go to a city, we'd start one day a week, then two days, three days, four days. So it took two years. for Pinkfamingos to open around the country. But is there a rolling timeline

with like hairspray doing great as it comes out but then like Crybaby and then Cereal Mom? Hairspray was a hit for real. Yes, yes, yes. Cribe was definitely not.

But then was there this like delayed sort of like push of like Cryberry then becomes a cult hit and then Cereo Mom becomes a cult like do you get what I'm saying? Yes, but I've never gotten profit participation

from Crybaby or Serum. They've never broken even. Wow. Interesting. But they cost a lot of money. Yes. Yeah, of course. I was wondering about just because you had, you talk about building a career on bad reviews, et cetera, they accumulate. And then suddenly you're working with Johnny Depp on Crybaby and he was truly like, you know, Leo before Leo, the marquee idol. Does a star at that level seek you out because he was truly like, you know, Leo before Leo? Yeah. Yeah. The, the star at that level seek you out because he was. he liked your work? I went to him.

You went to him. Because I knew he was like Justin Bieber at the time. He was on the cover of every teen magazine, but he hated that image. Stick with us. We'll get rid of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll fuck it up a little bit. Yeah, totally. The same way Patty Hearst made a movie with me. She was sick of being a kidnap victim. You just want to change. And everything changes. I went to a big fancy dinner where she was honored on the man sitting at her table.

I said, how do you know, Patricia? And he said, well, she robbed the Iberian bank, which I owned. And he paid $5,000 to have dinner with me. I love it. She robbed him. Well, when she was in the SLA, I mean, she didn't think it up. She didn't know where the bank was, but still, I mean, it's amazing how things change. It's the same way as what me getting picked by the National Registry picked Pink Flamingos as a great American film. What was the scene in that screening that made him decide that, do my balls, mama? I mean, what line, the singing asshole? I'm trying to think what particular scene. I would think both of those things. Well, maybe, but that means they've got a pretty good sense of humor.

They place that movie above the graduate. They do. That was the variety. Oh, that was variety. It was a hundred best comedies. And I was there with Charlie Chapman. It was hilarious because when the movie first came out, we got one of the best bad reviews everywhere from Variety.

And they later said that they were wrong, which was very funny. And I love Variety. I've been reading it since I was 15 years old. Do you remember what they initially had said? Oh, yeah, the most, beyond it out, the most disgusting film of film history. Something really good. Yeah, something very declarative and perfect, marquee. Yeah, it wasn't pussy footing around.

Yeah, no, no, no, direct communication. I, we, you have to know, I think I even told you this when we first met. But at, like, almost every other show at SNL or every table read, we tried, Sarah Sherman and I would try to write in me as any character, any old character, screaming, no go from female trouble That's Edith Yeah that's Edith And Lauren just like

frowning at me being like Why are you screaming? What is this from? Why? One of our great screamers It's I and just Sarah and I bonded for the first time Because we each had female trouble Well that was in Sarah's show recently

I know it was great fun Did you watch the whole thing? Of course and when am I gonna host Saturday Night Love? I don't know That would be genius You would be wonderful I could write a good one with the crook. It's the only time I could ever write with somebody else.

Oh my gosh. I'll come back for that. All right, good. And you can do Edith. I can do Edith. Wait, I've always, I've meant to ask because I think when we met was right before Leslie Van Houghton got paroled. Yeah, I don't talk about that anymore because I'll tell you why. And I get why you ask, there's no such person anymore.

She's never going to talk about it again. She's vanished. It's over. Yes, because, and this actually goes back to what you're saying about everything changed. Like even something as like completely immoral and dark and awful and inhumane about what she was involved in and what she did. Well, immoral, when you're 19 and meet the biggest madman on his, but she never blamed him. She said it was her fault for making him a cult leader. So all I'm saying is I just don't talk about it anymore.

Only because it's over. He's dead. It's not over for the victims and nobody's saying that. Yes, yes, yes. I get why the victims. You cannot ask for forgiveness. if they give it, it's amazing. Like Charlie Kirk's wife the next day,

she did say she forgave who did it. That is Christian. It is Christian. For better or for worse? Well, I'm just saying it's hard to do that. I'm not picking sides. If somebody killed my mother, could I ever forgive them?

That's a really amazing thing. But I'm not talking about that. I'm just saying that she was paroled correctly, and she's out. There's no such a person. She's never going to talk about it. It's over. It's done.

And there is like, and you as a storyteller can understand like the ending of something, like the resolution of something where you're like, there's nothing to talk about. There isn't. It's the story's been told a many times. It's a terrible story. And what point would it be for her to talk about it? There's no point. I completely understand. I just was always so curious, especially because it's, and we're not going to talk about it anymore, but it's like, oh, it's over.

It's done. And like, you wrote such a beautiful essay. about that. Thank you. And I think that the LA Times editorial, we should, it is time for her to live amongst us again, made the governor not turn it down.

Yes. So the paper that made it the most notorious case in the world. Also, amazingly, and I believe correctly, ended it. And I think through her, you really looked at your own sort of obsession with.

Oh, yeah. I apologize for a lot of stuff. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah. And now true crime, I mean, when we made cereal mom, that was a joke on it. But now true, that was before true crime was as popular. Yeah. And now cereal mom, it looks like OJ.

It was before OJ even. But it wasn't even meant to be prescient, was it? You were just kind of doing something. Well, I was parodying true crime, definitely. Yes, yes. Introducing Eminem's caramel you already love now popped into a totally new texture. I'd say Eminem's are one of those truly iconic snacks. They've just launched a brand new freeze-dried innovation that brings a whole,

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Another podcast from some SNL late-night comedy guide. Not quite. Unhumor me with Robert Smygel and friends. Me and hilarious guests from Jim Gaffigan to Bob Odenkirk to David Letterman, help make you funnier. This week, my guest, SNL's Mikey Day and head writer Streeter Seidel, help an Acapella band with their between songs banter. The worst singer in the group? The worst?

Yeah. Me. Is there anything to the idea that because you're from Harvard, you only got in because your parents made a huge donation. The yard birds, right? That's the name. The Harvard Yard, but they're open. Do you have a name suggestion?

We're open. Since you guys are middle-aged, one erection. Listen to humor me with Robert Smigel and Friends on the I-Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Humor me. I need some jokes to make me seem funny. Welcome to my new podcast. Learn the Hardway with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games.

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Listen to Kingdom of Fraud on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you talk to Kathleen Turner still? Of course. We're right friends. She's one of the greats. She just played Gertrude Stein on stage. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, wow. See, I got to keep up with Kathleen. Kathleen Turner, like, that's, she really, that's a signature presence. Kathleen's great. Good friend, funny. She doesn't suffer fools, but she's smart as hell on a really good actor. You can tell. Yeah.

All right, so we have to ask you. You have your preparation here. I'm prepared. Yeah, yeah. And that is perfect. We have a question that we ask every single person that comes on the show, and that, sir, was what was the culture that made you say, culture was for me, these early influences that made you,

when you really look back on it, become John Waters or start. There was one culture only, and that was being a beatnik. When I read in Life magazine about 10 years old, I want a bongos, Deo, Dave! You know, I went to coffee houses where they had poetry. I wanted to wear sandals, dirty sweatshirt, The girls with black nylons with seams in the back

and turtlenecks I still wear a turtlenex to this day because of beatniks. Poetry, oh, coffee houses, interracial couples. Howl, City Lights Bookshop, North Beach, Alan Gisberg and his boyfriend, Peter,

that was the first queer beatniks. Junkie, William Burroughs, a junkie queer on top of it. Leroy Jones, I always loved him. And Maynard G. G. Crabbs from Dobie Gillis, the first beatnik. And Malcolm Sol, the most famous beatnik in Baltimore, who was the star of my first movie. And I just had my first poem published in the Atlantic last month. Come on.

Now I'm officially a beatnik. You're a beatnik. You made it. What was your first sort of exposure to this culture? Life magazine, when I read about beatniks. Life magazine corrupted me. I read about junkies, homosexuals, beatniks, everything Life Magazine covered. And every family got Life Magazine.

Yeah. Wow. Was this what led you to your first LSD trip? Certainly. Beatniks became hippies, hippies became punks. And still now I'm a beating. I went back to being a beatnik. Right.

Yeah. But what was it? Piazzadora and Harrisbury is a beatneck and reads howls. And Alan Ginsberg was mad and he was pissed. I asked if I could use it. Were you, because how old were you on the first trip? The first asset I took was in 1964. It wasn't even illegal.

I believe, and they used it in a mental institution for alcoholism, and my friend worked there, and he stole it. And it was, oh, he was. It was, it was, so strong. Was it really? It was stronger than. Yeah. And I never, I did it a lot then, and then I stopped.

And then I did it again for my book when I was 70 years old with Ming Stole. We took acid again. We hadn't in 50 years. It was still good. It was still good? I'd only tell old people to take it. Not young people, stupid. The 60s are over.

Because now when your family, you're not. concern when you're old, you say, I'm not, have dementia, I'm tripping. Yeah, I'm just vibing. And that's the last time. Yes, I would need to never do it again. And it was no, like, microdoses, these young pussies take. I know. The little spray you see that people have.

This was taken from Timothy Leary's asshole. Oh, my God. It was the best acid I ever took of my whole life. So I did it for the first time at the tender age of, like, 27, and I still feel like I have holes in my brain. Was that the... Oh, so it wasn't a good example? No, we were not together. No, we were.

It wasn't good? It was a great experience. I still have a fear that I just have, I took a melon ball or to my, to my, to my, my head. And I'm like, am I, am I less of a person now because of that? He's so much smarter now after it. I think you're probably better. Although some people I took LSD with went crazy, they became drug addicts.

So it didn't do that to me. I'm not saying that it's for everybody. No, of course. And if you ever see, even Bill, who was the head of AA, who invented it, he wore. wanted people to take acid. Have you ever seen it online when he said, can you see it? That's like the one people in AA don't exactly agree with. Same way Freud was wrong about cocaine. He was right about a lot of things and penis envy is making a comeback. Penis envy is making a comeback. Yeah. Yeah. It's the whole looks maxing thing. Like yeah, like I connected to that. It's like it's like it's like there's like

this need for male approval in like right wing circles. Well it's also now a them told me that when you go home with somebody now, you don't know what you're going to get. They said, whatever it is, it's politically correct to call it a bonus hole. It is? A bonus hole. How do you talk dirty? Get that bonus hole. You get your special.

You get my bonus hole. Talk that dick, cock sucker. I don't know. It used to be shut up and blow me. That was the best porn title ever. Shut up and blow me. Yeah, but that's politically incorrect. You can't say that.

Is it? I did a photo piece of that headline and all women bought it. Powerful women for their office. Yeah. Good. Which I loved. No, I love when we got to suck my dick from a woman. Yeah.

Did you watch heated rivalry? Which, oh, yes. Yeah. So that, that I feel like is appealing mostly to women. To women, it is, which is amazing to me. And I always heard, and I asked Bush lesbians if this is true. And they said, yes, that Bush lesbians like to watch gay men's porn. I don't get why.

Literally, my therapist is a lesbian. She, every session without fail, brings up heated rivalry to the point where I I'm therapistizing her. I keep being like, so you've brought it up again. They're not supposed to bring up their personal life. But the thing is, I'm just like, at a certain point,

I'm like, because she always relates in an interesting way. But she is a lesbian who's into heated rivalry. But that's not hardcore. That's softball. You're going to watch it. And I. And they said,

they want to have the big dicks himself. Exactly. I guess. I don't know if that's true. Penis envy? No. Well, that's a form of penis envy for a six women. is envy.

I don't know. I think it has to do with safety, to be honest with you. I think it has to do with watching like a love and a sex that has nothing to do with you and therefore it's kind of like I feel detached from it

and it's kind of nice. I think that's why so many women are fanatical about heated rivalry. Not to say that gay men aren't, but it's different. There is a, there's like a passion towards the show.

Yes. Good. The new audience they didn't count on. No, and I love that. And I love that. And I love that. The test screenings didn't predict that. No.

No. And did you watch hunting wives? No. See, that was a lesbian fantasia in Texas. No, it's so hard to turn on the TV that I have to have three assistants there to help me or I'll be duct taped to my bed. That it's just, I, I need the same. I don't, I barely know how to work the remotes either. I earn for three channels, rabid ears and tinfoil. Because so many, it's so hard.

It's too much. In the Sonos update, when I get them, I have to go to a mental institution. I have three Sonos can. You're not allowed to say that in more. You are allowed to say that. Mental, I don't think you can say, is that politically incorrect?

You can say, send me to a metal institution. And if you can, then this show is over. If you can say that, we're ending the show. How about that? I still say I need to be institutionalized. And sometimes I do feel that. It's a much house. Well, Betty Davis had the best line about that when they asked her about Faye Dunaway.

She said, she belongs in an institution and I don't mean marriage. My favorite Betty Davis quote is someone asked her, how do you get into Hollywood? She goes, take Fountain. Yeah, yeah, that's great. That's the thing she lived. And there's always the famous one. And I do take Fountain.

And I always think of that when I'm there. She lived on Fountain at the end. In a condo, she did, I think, yeah. Favorite Hollywood star of all time? A lot of Turner. And I'm still friends with her daughter, Cheryl, the most famous juvenile delinquent in Hollywood who killed Johnny Stompanato.

And I had Thanksgiving dinner one year with Cheryl, her lesbian girlfriend, Lily Tomlin, and Lana Turner, and myself. How do you find these bank robbers? Do they come to your, do you find... Well, Cheryl was very famous. If you look back on that case, it was one of the most famous cases in the 50s.

And in one of my books, I said, I wanted to meet her, and her hairdresser read it and showed her, and she called me. Wow. This is, and this is, this is just a lesser version of what you've probably understood. Is that through this,

like we'll mention one thing or one person and it somehow finds its way to them. And I'm like, that is dangerous. I feel like it does not necessarily, it is not necessarily a force for good for me in my mental health. You know what I mean? Because it gets it. Well, I've always said the only person left I want to meet is M&M and he still hasn't called me and I've set it for two years. Why? What do you think is his deal? What do you think is his deal? I'm all for him. I'm good. Maybe he's better than me. I highly doubt that. It's because it's because it's because he was... He's not homophobic. He gave Elton John and David for the wedding

matching gold cock rings. He's not homophobic. But is that part of the fascination for you? Like that he was so rampantly? I just like his record. And I used to go to this redneck bar in Baltimore where it was all white guys dressed like black rappers hung out. And every time I walk in, they'd play pute

by Eminem as a tribute to me. Oh, wonderful. So every time I walk and I go, hi. And I'd sit down. So it was just a personal thing. So did you get the Eminem of it all when he had first come out? Because I think as young gays, hearing him on the radio say things like faggot and like, you know, like whatever, stuff like that, I think it bothered us because we had our guards up. But you at that time hearing his music, it didn't bother you. It didn't bother you.

I thought it was like he was just causing trouble. Yeah. We did. I don't know. Because it was just a white person being a rapper was so new and people hadn't seen that. Right. It was, uh, it was over the edge. But no, I always liked him. Yeah. You. You love something or someone who chafes something. Who does something first and changes how we think about them. Yeah. Which he did do. Yeah.

Absolutely. Puk, you can play the record. Maybe you can play the record at the beginning of the show or put it under me. We'll put it under. It'll blend it. We will just mix it in. Lightly throughout the episode. Yes.

I think we can make it happen on the show. Eminem, if Eminem's team, people are getting this, what would you like that encounter to Where would you want to be? What are you guys doing? Oh, just in private, so we're not exploiting it. Of course. Come to Pete Town, Eminem. Yeah.

They'll love you. Say puke to me, please. Croom puke. And this is something that you cherish, right? Like, you don't want these interactions to be for public consumption. No, no. And if he wanted to talk about, you know, it's just a kind of thing. I have met almost every famous person I ever want to meet.

And I'm not bragging, but just I've been doing this. I'm 80 years old. I've been doing it for 50 years. And that's thrilling. It's exciting. And they like to meet you too. It's fun. But at the same time, I have great friends that are not famous.

My closest friends are not famous and I've had for 50 years. And I don't trust people that don't have old friends. Absolutely. I feel like I'm now getting to the point where my old friends are college friends, but I feel like I did a full hard reset once I got moved to New York. I feel like Matt's really good because he grew up in Long Island relatively close

you still have a connection to like those people I'm still I'm still But Facebook friend that's not a friend No no no no you have to work out You have to get your hair done You have to get your hair done You have to see them in person You have to go to their house

It's not just that It's easy to do that But to be a real friend is work Yeah it is And I what's that they say Like discomfort is a is a friend of community Like in order to like really maintain

community, you have to just make yourselves a little uncomfortable sometimes. Like, maybe you haven't seen someone in a long time, get out there to dinner and go see them. I try to see my old friends at least twice a year. And then, you know, it's funny, you say college friends are now old friends. That was technically half our life. I know. You know what I mean? Like, which just feels like it went by like that, but, you know, I've known you half my life. I've known you. Yeah, that's crazy. That's kind of wild. My best friend is Pat Moran, who's won, you know, she's cast all my movies. She cast a wire. She's won Emmys. But we met because we had the same boyfriend. and I've known her for 60 years

and we've talked every single day for 60 years. So was it hard having the same boyfriend at first? Not really. No. They're both dead and we're friends. Who had him last? I'm not going to say that. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I really admire, this is the thing that I maybe took for granted is that you do have this wonderful protectiveness over information and people and lives. My personal life, nobody knows. Interesting. I mean, I don't hide it, but none of the people, none of the boyfriends I have want to be in the press.

Exactly. And yet you're still, you're still known. You're still in the agora. You're still like, I do find it. You were also my first exposure into what Petown was. Yeah, this is my 63rd summer there. I was going to ask, yeah. So you've seen it all there.

Oh, yeah. I used to be friends of Norman Mail. I worked in the bookshop. I waited on Robert Motherwell. You worked in the bookshop. The premise on book. was my main job. The old one where the porthole building is is the pot shop

now. It's now across the street. I worked there and I worked before that for Molly Malone Cook and Mary Oliver before she was famous. She was my boss and she was huddled on the back in a p-coat acting crazy. Wow. I thought she's turned in her grave when I

had a poem published. Oh. But she was my girlfriend. I was with her when she won the Pulitzer, when she got her award or whatever award she got Pulitzer, I think. Yeah. And so I knew him forever and I worked in both the bookshops there. That was my education. Yeah. Did you ever do those? Because now they have those artist's residencies and those shacks on the beach. Yeah, I don't want to be out there. We took the, um, you know, it's fun for

an hour. I'm not lugging water out there. No, there's not plumbing. You shit in the sand. No, thank you. No, thank you. We did like the, the, the, the, the, the, the, jeep tour out there. That's good. I couldn't believe how far out. No, it's great, but I'm not lugging my stuff out there. No, no, certainly not. Not you. Have a coyote come shit on me At this juncture, no I'm saying like you You still expose yourself

But you are protective of others Yes Yes I don't tell dirt about people That don't want it No, I never do I never say mean things about people I learned a long time ago

Because then I sit next to them at a dinner Literally, yeah It doesn't matter when Yeah And I think okay And thank you for bringing this up Because I think this is what Matt and I have learned because we used to kind of speak a little too freely on this.

You know what I mean? Well, then you don't know. I've had to sit next to critics who gave me terrible reviews. They're uptight too. Yeah. And they're nervous to meet you. Well, they don't want to sit next to me at dinner. It's an irresponsible host that puts you there.

Or it was a devious host that was doing what they want to do. But I'm fine with it. Yeah. Yeah, well, you can handle whatever. You can handle whatever. I feel like, there is this I have Mr. Noe at all

which I bought in Boston I have my hard copy with me if you will sign it later Of course I will Thank you But was that where you Howie gas me to change a flat And I have a flat you have to change

If I had to change a flat tire or die I'd have to die Yeah that's the thing If I had to open the hood of my car Or die I'd have to die So have you always chosen partners That this is a thing they can do handy

They can all do it better than I can Right yeah yeah We've had conversations here with gay men of all stripes who are like... All persuasions. All persuasions who are like, if I'm forced to do anything manual, like I choose death.

No, if the grid goes down, we were set... A couple friends of ours, they're talking about getting guns for when the grid goes down. Well, you know, there is gays against guns, which I'm four,

but then I saw somebody with a shirt on and said, give fags guns, which made me laugh too. That made you laugh more. Yeah, I don't know. Well, these gays are like, when the grid goes down, we're both getting guns.

I'm like, babe, when the grid goes down, I'm out of here. I'll shoot my, off of my leg if I had a gun. You're never the only one that said that. I shot a gun once. A biker, a straight biker in there, took me in his Cadillac limousine, broken down thing,

and we shot machine guns in the woods, and it was fun. Your first gun was a machine gun. Only gun. First and only gun. Listen. With a real biker to a straight guy, I knew. And you, so you knew him enough that you. Well, he invited me.

Yeah, sure. And it wasn't like to, not blew him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't like that. No, it's just machine guns in the woods. He's in one of my movies. He's in Desper Living. He plays Eater.

He has the line. You can suck my royal hemorrhoids, you fat pig. That's his only line in the movie. Only line in cinema. And what year was this that you shot the gun? 77. Okay. So at that point, you'd already like given guns, you'd already used guns in your films.

In Pinkfamingo is that gun, is a real gun with real bullets in it that just the unit photographer happened to own. We had no safety people. We're lucky, you know. Yeah. I mean, there was nobody standing in front of him when he shot it. Sure, sure, sure. The bind certainly was not pistol safety. It was not one of his top things at the time.

And did you have an intimacy coordinator on that? I always imagine when an intimate, do you mind eating shit? Is that okay? An intimacy. How do you feel eating the shit? Even in my last movie, a dirty shame, all the extras had to make out and hump with each other for hours every night. They didn't know each other. They just started laughing.

And I read a thing about Pasolini Sala where they were underage and nude in it and they said we had the best time. When he'd say cut, we'd just start laughing. We had the best time. What I will appreciate intimacy coordinators, let's say on Pink Flamingos, they would have said,

this is how I would eat shit just so you have a way in and you don't have to second guess it. Did you ever work with them? I've worked with one. And what was the scene that they had to advise you on? Right.

So you're going to love this. It was just two guys making out at the club. And I was like, I've had experience doing this. Was it a stranger? It was an extra? It was my love interest in the movie. Oh, so it was someone that you work with every day. That's just called act.

Right. That's stunt work, maybe. But they did give, like, actually good, like, blocking, like, camera sort of. Well, that's different than. And this is, and I, and I think, this was something that I maybe, I appreciate that knowledge, right? And it's, I think I, I wasn't, I obviously would never wish an intimacy coordinator upon you. I would never want you. They'd run. They'd run. They'd just run. They would run. We had for my last novel, my only novel, Liarmouth, have to give it to a sensitivity

editor, and she never called us back. We could never find her again, and she quit, and so we just put the book out. No, there was. It was a famous one, and she was a big editor. and she refused to respond after the Senate to it. But then it got published. Yeah. So then it was fine. I had a great editor, Jonathan Galassi, who had faith in his own filth. Maybe she was like, if I were to impose sensitivity on this, it would lose what makes it special.

So why would I do that? They never think that way. They wouldn't have a job. Yeah. And now a quick break from our sponsor, Vital Proteins. And it is vital. Collagen peptides is a wellness supplement that supports healthy hair, skin, nails. bones and joints.

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Is somebody coming after me? Jacob told Levan, you're ruining my life. Listen to Kingdom of Fraud on the Aihar Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. One thing, because just to speak on the intimacy coordinator, did you use it for Fire Island? Not really. But my thing was like a thing where I was like, the character was drugged. in a sexual situation.

So then it became a thing of like, she was just kind of like administering like safety on it. But I do think like it's wildly different when it comes to like, it depends what your film is depicting. Yes. You know what I mean? Like the intimacy coordinator,

I hear the conversation about it happening. I think it's a really fascinating conversation to hear when you speak to filmmakers like who have been working for a long, long time, this sort of like confusion towards it. And now it's so industry. standard that I just wonder how that rubs with people that have been working. I hated

filming sex things. I never liked it. It's embarrassing. Because it's awkward? To me it is. You know, like, do this. I just want to make them comfortable. But I mean, and Pink Pomegos Divine really gives head. Yeah. Who's that real? Yeah. Wow. And to a straight guy, and he started laughing. They were friends.

He didn't even get hard. But he he had to yell, Do My Balls, Mama, one of the rudest lines in the movie. Roodest. Do my balls, mama. Imagine the intimacy coordinator on that. Do you mind saying that? Yeah, so how I would say it is. Go ahead.

No. No, I thought you were gonna give me a line reading. Right. Do a line reading. It's just do my balls in the last where I was wanna land, Mama. Do my balls, mama. Good. I did my audio books of all my screenplays came up and I play every role in all six movies.

So it's, and I had to yell, do my balls, mama. I'd look over at the technician thinking, Jesus, I hope they were prepared for. Because when you're reading your own book and it's dirty, it's more mortifying. It sounds filthier when you read it out loud than you write it or read it. And then like, with that much time passing, you're like,

oh, I didn't realize. I know. Well, certainly those lines. You can't, like, now I can say fuck on national network television, but I can't say fat on PBS. And which would you rather say? Both. Both, of course.

He did not to say fat fuck on Fox. Yeah. I, okay, so Mr. No. At all, I think was that where you coined Philth Elder? Maybe. I remember. Yeah, I did call myself that, but I did not call myself the Pope of Trash, William Burroughs. William Burroughs did. And all those other titles, the press made up.

The only thing I ever called myself was a filth elder, which is not exactly bragging. But do you love Pope of Trash? Sure, because William Burroughs said it. It's like being anointed from God. Of course. I have that shirt, too. I have the John Wanderers Pope of Trasher. Wait to you see the new stuff we have.

There's new some. Have you seen the Comrags? The John Winter's Comrags? I'm the only celebrity comrague. And we have... Not for long. I'll get in there. I'm the only celebrity cum rag!

And puke bags we have. Also Susque Bogart's company and he did these, but we have a whole new line. Wait to you see what we got coming out soon. I framed the puke bags from the 50th anniversary screening of Pink Flamingos from P-Town. Yeah, we were in P-Town for that. That's right.

That's where we met. That's where we met. And that was one of my favorite nights. It was my first time. P-Town. We were seeing the fifth anniversary, a 50th anniversary of pink flamingos. They were showing Fire Island at the film. Yeah, we were firing. Yeah. But Philth Elder, do you feel like there are filth protegees? Do you feel like there are, there are, there's young people that don't imitate me.

The ones that do, I don't like it. I don't like the works that they're just trying to be shocking without being funny or witty. Yes. No insight. But they're certainly young filmmakers that surprise me. They're mostly French, like Gasper Noe and Bruno Dumond and all these kind of young filmmakers that are made i love eddington i loved sarat was did you see that movie oh it is so good so i'm just saying there's still great movies out there definitely yes but none have this kind of like i don't know there's there's just a good heartedness to all your films is that a fair to say yes i think i was i made fun of things i loved my whole life not that i hated and maybe that's why including i started by making fun of myself by calling my films trash epics and everything you know i think that's

one of the things that immediately... So one of the... We asked this question, what was the culture that made you say culture was for you? And one of my answers to that is I was 10 years old and my parents took me to see hairspray on Broadway. And Good Morning Baltimore. I think that what jumped out about it the most for me

was the fact that she was so joyfully, joyously singing about and playing in her world of filth. There's the flasher who lives next door. I play the flasher and Adam Shankman. Yep, yep. Type can. Perfect. But there is something about that it's one of the things I think is the most unfortunate things in the world is people who take themselves seriously.

And so watching her just immediately eschew all of that. But she loved her life and she was so self-confident. She was so proud of the place she came from even though it was garbage. You know, and in that way it then wasn't garbage. And she saw hope in it. and she saw possibility and future in it, and she just went for it. That, I think, it being made into a musical

and then into a movie musical, that message keeps getting delivered to kids, and it's important. You can't screw up, Harris, Bray, even a bad version of them. No, yeah. Because the characters, Tracy stands for anybody ever that was hassled for being different in any kind of way,

who takes what they were hassled by, exaggerates it and wins. That's all you can do. If they use something against you, own it, grab it, say yes, I am and then make it worth. It takes a long time to learn that though. And I feel like, you know, her, like that, that, it's just an important thing. It's like that thing that makes you different is what makes you special.

That's like the Tweed way of saying it. But it's that you said it. We haven't heard that term. Yeah. We love saying Trey. I like it too. And you speak that way, though, there's a whole language called something. You know, I'm so allergic to it, but like, I'm sure we could do it.

We could get all tweet with each other. It's more English. John Waters' films really break the mold of what's acceptable. Legitarily. Like, it's like, it's that kind of like, I don't know. And we do that all the time. We're guilty of that in earnest. But we love to make fun of it too.

I think that's, that's like our, that's us making fun of ourselves, the way that you were making for yourself. Well, it's important to do that. We are not Tweed. I am going to reject this. No, I don't think you are either. No, no, no.

Thank you so much. I feel like the, the beatnik thing, though, is what developed a good taste for you. And so then you learned the rules. and then you were able to revel in bad taste. Well, I was able to realize, like, a dirty t-shirt could be great, not bad, that, I don't know. It was Beatniks outraged people at the time when they came out,

and it was the first thing I saw rebellion that I wanted to do. I always say the first record you buy as a child, no matter how young that your parents hate, that's the beginning of the soundtrack of your life. Wow. What a terrible thing to like your children's music. That stunts your child. If you say, oh, I love that record.

You're going to keep finding one until you hate it. You're so right. It's true. You're so right. Yeah. And I think that bad taste or good taste, whatever side it falls on is just compensating for, like, the thing that you were lacking, maybe. I was drilled good taste and you have to learn those rules to make fun of bad taste. So I thank my parents for that.

Like, what did that, like, how did that show up for your parents? Like, they were like, this is how you wear. Oh, my God. My mother thought you should die if you wore white shoes after labor days. Like in She was right. I'm still right wing on that. You're right wing on white after Labor Day. You can't wear velvet before Thanksgiving.

You can't wear Pat and Lither before Easter. I believe you should die if you do this. Like in serial mom. Who is that actress who was also in Crybaby? Like the woman, the juror who gets murdered in Syria. Patty Hurst. Pat, that's Patty Hurst, of course. Oh, my gosh.

Just fashion. changed. No, it hasn't. Kills her. Kills her. Patty really takes that hit well. Even Kathleen said, better than any stunt woman I've ever worked. Oh, yeah. It really did. But I think this is so, I was like reading

something about like how bad taste shows up and it's in these cultures. I'm just going to throw these out there. People can come for me, but it's like between like Russian godiness and like some kinds of Asian gaudiness, like

Saudi gaudiness. Like these are all from... It's hairhoppers. People that spend too much time on their hair without irony. Without irony. And act rich when they're not. Because they're... Show labels.

And look, the same as everybody with no iron. It's a hair hopper. You shouldn't... Swiss people know how to be rich. You hide it. Yeah. Because it's coming from, like, in let's say, like, in all these parts of the world that I just kind of...

rattled off. It's like because they were coming from like desolate really, really just austere places, right? We're like, oh, you didn't have the nice, you had no idea, you had no access to anything good. Maybe the tyranny of good taste they'd never grew up with. That is a sort of an American or British thing. Which is what you grew up with with your parents, this tyrannical sense of like, this is what you have to do. Well, they were very opinionated on and they taught me what was right and wrong. And I'm not sorry they did. I still use a lot of all the stuff that they taught me. Yeah.

And, but yet, they were horrified by the movies I made right up to the end, but they supported me doing it. They were, they were, which is amazing. And my parents had a happy 70 year marriage, so I'd give them great credit. Wow. And then that also expands your palate in terms of like, like, I have always, I love, I think, I think I got my first, like, sort of written sense of, like, Comte Garcon, like, Ray Kawakubo stuff from role models.

where I was like, oh, yeah. Like, you still have this appreciation for, like, like, the current fashion. Do you still go to metal shows? Yeah, I went to, I went to see nine-inch nails just recently. We went to nine-inch noise. I saw them in L.A. at Anaheim. Oh, wasn't it fabulous?

The audience is really, I just like looking at the audience at all these shows. It's wild. It was good, yeah. It was, like, it was horrible. It's time for faggots to love nine-inch nails again. Oh, I go to heavy metal. I just like to look at the kids. What are you looking for?

Because you're observing. Something new. Some new thing. And I just think they look great and having fun. And they always, I'm always the oldest person there. Ever since William Burroughs died, I'm the oldest person. Yeah. Not that I'm the same, but he was always the oldest when I were, and it went anywhere.

Yeah. And so, no, I just like to see the energy. Yeah. I like to see. I hate old people like my age and say, we had more fun. No, you didn't. No, you didn't know what's going on. Yeah, fun adapted.

I would have been a hacker. I would have been a hacker. Except they have bad clothes They have poor posture They're just hunched over the Hackers should be using the standing desks With the treadmill they walk on You're just going to do great hackers

So hacker clothes like you can't do That's Norm Corps Yeah Because there's no clay on the table for you to molder in No there's no rebellion look for a hacker Because you've got to blend in And when you're out you don't want to get The dark web you don't dress for it

What do you think of like the people still debating what camp is now? That their old queens that the last movie they saw was Rita Hayworth. I don't know anybody that would say the word camp. Yeah, you never, you don't say it. No, that word was over in 19, after Susan Sontag wrote about it. It was like sitting in an antique store under Tiffany Lampshade talking about Betty Grable movie. Holy moly. Then it became

Camp became I don't know trashed Then it became filth Now it's just American humor Yeah now it's just Met Gala It's just funny Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Like your stuff will always be Singular it will never be like Even as I'm wearing merch Even as you're at the academy Even as it's being like Institutionally recognized It will always have this Like this

This fingerprint of like It's fucked up now You think it's worse now? Yes, because of political correctness. You can't even say happy birthday, Fatso, you can't say that anymore. Like, the stuff in there, you can't say any of the shit that's worse

than it ever was, and yet still nobody gets mad. Have you heard about this movie The Drama? With Zenday and Robert Pound. Oh, I'm dying to see it, though. Yeah, it's interesting. I think you'd love it. I think you'd love it. I think there's a lot of... I'm a big fan of him. He's wonderful. And he takes chances in all movies. Yes, he does. He does.

I'm dying to see it. Isn't it the same... Didn't Ariaster executive producer. He did. He did. And I love Arias. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was gonna say.

Remember the movie about sleeping dogs lie where the girl tells her boyfriend, everybody's playing, tell the truth, and she says she blew her dog? Uh-huh. This is the same kind of genre? It's the same conceit where... I know the secret. Don't tell. But in that way, she, like, confesses to this deep dark secret, right?

And it's about, like, you know, gun violence and it's... No, I know what it's about. I'm dying to see it. That's the next movie I'm paying to see. But I think about female trouble all the time where Divine literally shoots up the audience. Well, who wants to die for art? That's so politically incorrect after that happened for real. Yeah.

Yes. That puts it in a whole different weirdness. But no one ever complained about that. Literally, like 10 years ago, you could make gun violence jokes. We would do it. Like back at like UCB and stuff, like when we were doing sketch comedy, like there would be, it was maybe this. is just young people doing comedy and sketch comedy and doing what they think was funny.

But a common thing was for a gun to come out. You know what I mean? Nowadays... Oh, I put one up, Mink's ass in Desperate Living. I cringe at that. It would make people nervous now. Made people nervous then. Yeah.

Really nervous now, though, that it's like... No, even the Pink Flamingos thing with the vine with the gun sometimes, they exit out and stuff. Really? Well, because it's... Literally triggering. And everybody and politicians

in Baltimore always say, how can we make the city better? I said, don't. Just put out a bumper sticker. The wire, it's still like that. And that's supposed to make it better. Well, let's embrace it. Let me tell you, the wire in Japan, they love it.

Really? It's internationally one of the most known and loved things about Baltimore is one of the best TV shows ever now. So why do we hide that? Why do we hide that? I mean, do you know if your movies play in Japan? Oh, I've been there.

with them. And they love it there. Yeah, they're great. Oh, they must do. It was a huge hit because they love Eddie Furlong. They love hairling. They love hairless, adrogynous men. Yes. Leonardo to them is, you know. So Sylvester Stallone?

They would so gag. Like the bears, they don't get that. There's a very specific subculture of bears in Japan. They have, they have eagles. They have multiple eagle locations. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, the eagles everywhere. You're right.

It's just not a young person ever in. one. Because S&M does look stupid on young people. You think so? Yeah. What do you make of pups of these of these? What do you make of pop? Of these twinks who go around?

They're not all twinks. Lock them up. I'm just kidding. Like the rest of the dogs. Adult babies. Lock those fuckers up. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I don't get it, but you can be whatever you want. But however, aren't Plushy's lesbians? I'm not sure. I don't get that. I don't get that. I don't get that. But I went to Plushy. accidentally once in the eagle

in Baltimore and it was mostly lesbians and I didn't know that and plushies are different from furries no I think it's the same it's the same I just I want to get dressed up like a fucking stuffed animal and have sex it's too hot it's so warm yeah but then I think probably something else

takes over in the brain that it's satisfying where you don't think about how it's hot you only think about how it's satisfying maybe yeah there's some things that lose me adult babies when I see them and their faggs are called mommies and they nurse them and if you're sitting in a bouncy chair at 60 wearing 200 pounds

lock them up I ain't marching for them no one's marching for them yeah some people are some people are the rights of adult babies not me well have you watched have you checked in on I guess the closest thing

to the chaos euphoria have you watched any of euphoria I have it and I should you're fine you're fine You're fine. But we're dealing with adult baby stuff on Euphoria this season. I read all about the shows and I don't know. I do the same thing.

And I'll check in on clips and I'll be like, okay, this is what's happening. But there was some scene last night in Euphoria where I was watching it for a second. And then I was like, this kind of feels like a Don Waters movie. It's like, you know, Jacob Allorty getting the shit kicked out of him by the mob. And Sidney has a bloody nose, just her huge tits and her wedding gown, just like sobbing. Like, what's happening? And I'm like, there's something here. spiritually.

I feel like one of your movies. I guess. But were you laughing? I was laughing because I wasn't, I didn't have it in context. I don't know if I'm supposed to be laughing at home. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel anymore watching the show, which I think is an issue. Maybe that's why people are talking about it. I think you're probably right.

Uh-huh. Yeah. I think it's time. It's time. Okay, so this is what else must be on your board there. Well, I was told I had homework. I had two particular things. See, I hate being a podcast that gives home.

but it is fun homework. You know what I mean? That's fine. That's good homework. Yeah. So this is I don't think so honey. When you give it and they don't prepare. It happens all the time. Who did the worst?

The worst I don't think so honey ever? Probably us at some point. No, we bomb every week. We really do. I don't think that's true. And well now I watch when I bomb. No, watch when I bomb. Celebrate your pride with the station that says bold, vibrant and diverse as you are.

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Yeah. Me. Is there anything to the idea that because you're from Harvard, you only got in because your parents made a huge donation. The group. The yarn birds, right? That's the name. The Harvard Yard, but they're open. Do you have a name suggestion?

We're open. Since you guys are middle-aged, one erection. Listen to humor me with Robert Smygel and friends on the I-Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Huber me. I need some jokes to make me seem funny.

Welcome to my new podcast, learn the hard way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests.

I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing and we're still chasing it and we don't know when we've done enough because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses.

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On my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free, our Heart Radio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. Jacob Kingston grew up in an isolated polygamous sect. We were God's chosen kingdom on earth. He felt destined for greatness. So when a swaggering Armenian businessman catapults Jacob into an extraordinary world, he doesn't look back. Ferraris and Lamborghinis, private jets, meeting the president of Turkey.

I'm Michelle McPhee, and this is one of the most shocking criminal conspiracies I've ever come across. When Jacob met Levant this plant to a billion dollar fraud. But with two kings from entirely different worlds, just how long can their empire survive? The largest tax investigation in American history. You need to tell me what you know. Is somebody coming after me? Jacob told Levan, you're ruining my life.

Listen to Kingdom of Fraud on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Anyway, this is out on Think So Honey. It's going to be a one-minute segment. It's going to bomb or it's going to not. It's going to be what it is. So this is at one minute. Do you mean not to talk fast like the ads of the side effects at the end of her drug out on the radio?

You know, don't feel pressured to do that, but if you could. All right. Yeah, we're going to model it for you first. All right. Then you're going to. It might go a little one. Choose your own adventure. That's fine.

All right. So I do have something. It's been a struggle. I've been, had this on the brain for a while. And I feel like I actually haven't taken to the mic on this. So this is a good opportunity. We go. We're breaking new ground.

This is Matt Rogers. I don't think so any his time starts now. I don't think so. you can't buy any medication you want at the CVS because it's under the behind the fucking lockbox. Get real. I need Muson XD so it cannot work on me. By the way, also I don't think so many Muson XT.

They said there's meth in this. Fuck off. Like, is that why it's behind the glass? Because there's meth in it. You can make meth with it. Okay, that's ridiculous because I'm taking it. It's not even helping me get not sick. It's not going to create meth.

I, every time I'm in the CVS of the Walgreens have to ring the fucking bell. They take their sweet time. getting over here. Now you can't even get toothpaste. Can you make meth from toothpaste? Because you would think I am really having a hard time when I go into any store and I'm like, why can't I get this? Oh, because if the wrong person came in here and got it, they're going to create meth with it. I don't think so, honey. By the way, I've been not sick for two weeks, but having whatever's going on here for two weeks. Musenxtee, I guess I have to increase the meth in there

because it's not working on me. Claritin, is there enough meth in that? I can't get enough meth to get me sick. I don't think so, honey. Just let me have the fucking medication that I need. And that's one minute. Plus, you have to check out yourself. This is what I'm saying. Like, I need your help to come get me the product and then you're of no help when I'm checking out. I know. The hell. And they act mad. I thought, if I didn't act, you won't have a job, you should be glad. Well, by the way, there's only three people working in there at any given time. So this is the battle of the machines. Ever done meth? Maybe not.

I did, I shot diet pills once, though. How did that? Oh, it was horrible. A big black bubble was in my arm. Oh, my God. I tried, I did crazy shit when I was young. But I never got into it that much. I never like shooting up.

It was like, but I had good veins. He did meth one time on accident. I did almost everything else. When I stopped taking drugs was ecstasy, a drug that makes you love everybody. That's not a high for me. See, I love it. I can't get it. I would hate it.

You would hate it. And a cuddle pile, can you picture me in one? No. Don't stay away from ketamine then. Oh, I wouldn't do that one either. No, it's bad. You just drink water all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, the ketamine, that will get you barnacling on someone that you're like, I don't even like you that much. But here I am. It's what you got to do. You ready? I'm ready. Okay. Can you my phone? Oh, no.

I have my own phone for it. All right, so this will be Bowen Yang's. I don't think so, honey. And get this. if I can get my thing up. Where is my, where is, um, there we go. This is Bowen Yang's, I don't think so honey, as time starts now.

I don't think so honey, the distance between the beach and the main dragon province town. This is why I will always still gravitate towards Fire Island despite the, despite the way it changes the year to year, despite the crowds, you never know where you're going to get. Peatown represents wonderful stability and wonderful community.

And yet, if you will, want a sunbathe in any sort of respectable fashion. You got to go to the public pool. I love a public pool, but sometimes even that gets a little too crowded. Yes, I do, John Waters. I don't love riding a bicycle, especially given my family history with bicycles, three different generations of bike accidents. I'm not going to chance it. There's a curse on the, on the Yang family. So that's why I will never really get it up in a sense to go to the beach in Provincetown. And you never know where you're going to get weather-wise, and there's just shit in the sand because people, because the artists and residents are taking dumps on the beach.

I'm just assuming that's what's happening, but I feel like that is, that's the main sort of obstacle I have with Petown. And that's one minute. Why don't you just go to the small beach on commercial? It's right on the Bay Beach is right there. Go to the Bay Beach. That doesn't count. Well, you can't say this, no.

You want to go to the Boy Beach where you have to walk across the dunes with all the bicycles and all that. That is like a real beach to me. Well, that's because people are having sex. But I don't even, that's not even the appeal. All right. How do you get a real beach? Are people having sex on it?

They're not doing that at the Bay Beach. They're not doing that at the Bay Beach. I, but that's, I do as I get older, love Petown more and more over Fire Island. There's no way it can compete. First of all, in Peatown, you have restaurants. Just that alone. You don't have restaurants. No.

Well, there's a couple. There's a couple. I mean, there's food. Yeah. There's not restaurants. Like, if you go to Cherry Grove, you can get your restaurants. Right. That's which is where you'll be when you go, right?

I play both the other place to the Pirates. You do both. You do both. It's nice. But you are not going anywhere near the Belvedere. I don't, I mean, I'll remember that place forever. I've stayed there a couple times. It was very, very kind of like pink narcissus. Yes.

I mean, it is fantastic in that way, literally, where it feels like you're in a fantasy. I would think you'd love it. But I've, can you picture me in the baths? I've never gone to the beds in my life. Walking around a towel is not how I do well. I feel you go dress just like this. I would, but that was a problem. Somewhat.

You're you, you can do whatever you want. But I'm trying to blend in in between shows. That's right. That's right. That's right. Are you ready? I'm going to talk fast. Okay, this is John Waters.

I don't think so, honey, his time starts now. I can't stand the way some people talk. I hate it when actors use the word journey. That's not a fucking journey Winning the Spirit Award Escaping from Ukraine is. I hate airlines when they say Your flight is because of weather.

There's always weather. Always. You mean bad weather. Or when the MPA say rated X for language, there's always language. You really talk about a silent film? I hate actions and say they're humble. We'll go down the SNM bar

and shut up and get smacked around. I hate people say surreal if you're talking about Dolly, all right? Not some boring thing in your daily life. I hate it when weathermen say Windchiel and Heat Index. That bullshit words. I hate when get it.

People said, this is my lover. Who are you, Lady Chatterley? I hate it also when gay people say to me, hey, girl, but I don't know. Excuse me, do I look like a girl? I guess it failed getting dressed this morning. And people say, are you a top or a bottom? It's not a political party, I'm independent. And worse of all, when people say, can I take your pitcher?

No, my pitcher is home with Kool-Aid in it. That's one minute. Wow, thank God. That was just about modern life, and I love it. Did I hit the minute? You did. In fact, you were 56 seconds, and the slapping down of the paper was the final four. We love pitcher.

I hate it. I've heard newsmen say that. Look at this picture. Oh, my God, you should be fired. You should be fine. People say that's a regional thing. No, it's not. It's stupid.

I was just. I'm an idiot at Pete's I'm coming up to you. Oh, my God. Hey, girl. It is surreal to see you. Can we have a picture? I hate when people say, oh, God. It is surreal.

to see you girl. I need a picture. Hey girl. I'm a too familiar. How long would you have to know someone for them to call you girl? Never. Do I look, if I fail getting dressed at us? Sir?

Yeah. Yeah, there you go. Hi, King. What if someone called you King? Better than girl. Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. Zadio.

No, I'm good. That's what they call old people. Zadio. Zadio. Yeah, Zadio is interesting. I like Zatio. They're not my friend Pat Moran when she dated an older man. Her mom said that.

Old chickens make good soup? Yeah. What is that supposed to mean? Like when you're old, young people go after, you say, yeah, old chickens make good soup. Yeah. What's the soup? Come? No, it's just tender. Girl, you're a second-sterned.

Tender. Yeah. Old chickens make good soup. It means you want to bathe around in their broth. Yeah. That's interesting. I guess, yeah, I guess, I guess, I guess old people do. Old chickens make good stuff.

He wants some old people soup. I want old people soup. Crazy cannibal ass. Yeah. Well, John Waters, the star of Kevin on Amazon Prime. On Prime video. What are the stars? I'm not the star.

I think you're the star. Aubrey Plaza also involved. Whoopi Goldberg. Oh, the whoops. The whoops. John Waters. Any parting words of wisdom? I don't know that I would ever preach to anybody.

I want to hear your words of winsome of things. it would make me nervous if you're younger than me. Are you prompting us right now? Yes. What would make you nervous? Oh my God. Hmm. What would make you nervous?

It sounds like I think you should feel completely liberated or whatever about talking about this, this idea of like political correctness. I feel like that's the thing that makes everybody nervous. And yet I feel like you have, you've probably earned a problem. place where you can just sort of you've seen it all you've done it all you've shocked everybody up and down like I think you don't have to be nervous about anything but I make fun of the rules that we live by not our parents I make fun of the liberals rules yes and now there are more rules than my parents had oh trust me we understand we we we understand that completely um I have a thing okay so on every episode we end

with a song mm-hmm so you're gonna do that this time you're gonna end this episode with a song. Hey, hey, set me free. Stupid Cupid, step fucking with me. Las Culturacis is the production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and Iheart Radio podcasts. Created and hosted by Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. Executive

produced by Anna Hosnii and produced by Becker Ramos. Edited and mixed by Duck Bame. And our music is by Henry Kmerzky. Another podcast from some SNL late-night comedy guy, not quite on Humor Me with Robert Smygel and Friends, me and hilarious guests from Bob Odenkirk to David Letterman help make you funnier.

This week, my guest, S&L's Mikey Day and head writer, Streeter Seidel, help an a cappella band with their between songs banter. Where does your group perform? We do some retirement homes. Those people are starving for banter. Listen to humor me with Robert Smigel and Friends on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Michelle McPhee, and I've been unraveling the stream criminal alliance I've ever reported on, a Mormon polygamist and an Armenian businessman. Multi-million dollar house, Ferraris and Lamborghinis, private jets, a billion dollar fraud. But how long can this alliance last? Tell me what you know. Is somebody coming after me? Listen to Kingdom of Fraud on the I-Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite. therapist and hosts care games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed

professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor? It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Life is full of hurdles. So how do you keep going. On Hurtle with Emily Abadi, we're talking with the most inspiring women in sports and wellness from professional athletes, coaches, and Olympic champions about the challenges that shape them and the mindset that keeps them moving forward. At our level, at this scale, being able to fail in front of the entire world. Like, I can do anything. I can do anything.

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