Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - "Spider Wars" (w/ Patti Harrison)

Episode Date: March 3, 2017

OOOO Bitch, we have it ALL this episode (and you can too!) - We GOT Patti Harrison, we GOT "I Don't Think So Honey," and you know we GOT our brand new segment, "My Perfect Little Doo-Dah Day!" Listen birds - Patti spills on Nature Nick, Matt gives a tour of the Hearst Tower, and Bowen lets you know which Warby Parker frame is a must (the Bowen).LAS CULTURISTAS HAS A PATREON! For $5/month, you get exclusive access to WEEKLY Patreon-ONLY Las Culturistas content!!https://www.patreon.com/lasculturistasCONNECT W/ LAS CULTURISTAS ON FACEBOOK & TWITTER for the best in "I Don't Think So, Honey" action, updates on live shows, conversations with the Las Culturistas community, and behind-the scenes photos/videos:www.facebook.com/lasculturistastwitter.com/lasculturistasLAS CULTURISTAS IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttp://foreverdogproductions.com/fdpn/podcasts/las-culturistas/ Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez was found off the coast of Florida. And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba? Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home, and he wanted to take his son with him. Or stay with his relatives in Miami? Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. And we are super excited to tell you about our new show, Dudes on Dudes. We're spilling all the behind-the-scenes stories, crazy details, and honestly, just having a blast talking football.

Every week, we're discussing our favorite players of all times, from legends to our buddies to current stars. We're finally answering the age-old question, what kind of dudes are these dudes? We're going to find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple

Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Cheryl Swoops. And I'm Tariqa Foster-Brasby. And on our new podcast, we're talking about the real obstacles women face day to day. Because no matter who you are, there are levels to what we experience as women. And T and I have no problem going there. Listen to Levels to This with Cheryl Swoops and Tariqa Foster-Brasby,

an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll. This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. I was a desperate, delusional dreamer.

Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate, delusional dreamer. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. Hey, everybody. Today's show is brought to you by Casper.com. Receive $50 towards any mattress purchase at www.CasperTrial.com forward slash LasCulturistas. And by WarbyParker.com. Get a free five-day home try-on at www.WarbyParkerTrial.com forward slash LasCulturistas.

Five pairs, five days, 100% free. LasCulturistas is brought to you by the Forever Dog Podcast Network. Be sure to check out more original comedy podcasts at foreverdogpodcast.com. And please come to our live show, Las Culturistas Live, I Don't Think So Honey, at Littlefield on March 21st at 8pm. 50 comedians doing 50 segments of our I Don't Think So Honey. Get your tickets at foreverdogproductions.com Yes!

Alright, enjoy the show. Come on! Set your flag on fire. Talking about henna. Henna. Henna. Henna. Aiko, aiko, ande. Jagamofino, anane. Jagamofino, anane. Ding dong. Las Culturistas calling. Rukuku. It's time for culture. Rukuku.

All my birds. I know you're at home listening. And I hope you're nestled in to your nest that you've made of twig and mud and spit. Because guess what? what you got a great fucking episode today and look before we move on you may have noticed a little shill for our sponsors are we allowed to talk about this oh yeah let me tell you something casper mattress honey and warby parker you better lay on it you better put it on your face to see okay and we'll be hearing more from casper and Warby Parker pretty soon.

You can guarantee we will. And honey, we have sold out. This is the new us. But I love it. I love it too. You know what? I'm like Katy Perry on her second album. Sell me out, bitch.

Make me a pop star. Make me a Casper mattress pop star. Her second album after the first Christian pop one. No, I'm talking about one of the boys wasn't even sellout. Teenage Dream was a sellout. You don't think one of the boys nope nope nope i think i kissed a girl hot and you're cold i think that's indie rock indie rock bitch absolutely i think wow and come for me in the comments come for matt in the comments below but

here do not come for our guests because our guest is pristine no do not come for our guests in the comments, even though you technically could, because she is a writer for Seriously TV, honey, and I would say well on her way to icon status. I mean, I feel like she's already a preeminent icon with the Barkchler Patty Reviews Exotic Animals edition.

Truly amazing. And really made a star in Nature Nick. Oh, Nature Nick. We'll talk about Nature Nick. I think Nature Nick is a full star. We will talk about Nature Nick at length, honey. And you might have also seen our guest as one of the co-hosts of It's a Guy Thing at Union Hall, one of the best variety shows in New York. Ugh, Catherine Cohen, Miju Rahara, you might have heard of them, whatever.

You might have heard of them, whatever. And she's just a star on the rise, honey. Please welcome our guest, Patty Harrison Oh my god, Roo-coo-coo Roo-coo-coo Looks like there's a bird here with us Roo-coo-coo, chirp-chirp Hi Patty, how are you?

Hey, I am very good I'm so happy to be here Thank you for all of those plugs All the plugs, I mean, yeah You gotta plug You gotta plug, guys We're all drinking some delicious Marcel Malbec. Plug that.

Plug that. This was bottled last week, honey. It's Malbec? It's Malbec. I thought it was Malbec. Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? Absolutely, it is Malbec.

It is Malbec. I'm sorry. But you know what? French-Canadian Bo and Yang got that wrong. I got that wrong. It's okay. One time my social studies teacher in seventh grade accused me of not being a real quebecois because i said i accidentally let slip quebec i added the

qua sound instead of the quebec and yes and then my social studies teacher was like well bowen you're not a real french canadian are you know i was like look show me your canadian passport show me your dual citizenship and then I shall grant you that, honey. And I was about to get in her face, but I did not have the words, honey. That person sounds disgusting. You have the words now. Now I do. I did not know how to speak until very recently. I had a seventh grade social studies teacher who hit on one of the girls. No. Yes, he did. No, no, no. Yes, his name was Mr.

Should I say his name? No, please don't. Don't say his name. Let should i say his name no don't please don't say his name let's just say his last name was another word for when you take a small sleep whoa okay and patty any middle school teachers who may have you know preyed upon students yes

actually yes um uh we had a uh teacher that, it wasn't in my time. It was in my sister's time. But he, I shouldn't even say his position because I think he's still at the school because he was working there when I was. But when my older sister was in high school, he offered to uh one of the girls back from volleyball and then tried to touch her in the car and she jumped out of a moving car oh my god that's insane that's crazy and it's so cool it's so cool that she was able to do that she did that when she hit the

ground she went into a round off back handspring back tuck and he was like that's what i was trying to get you to do he was also the the gymnastics coach. Is this in good taste? This is beautiful taste. And then that girl was booked. Black Widow. She was Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett Johansson. And Patty's older.

And Patty's sister is Eliza. Emily Blunt. I was going to say Eliza Dushku. I said any name that came to my mind. Eliza Dushku. And then, of course, that's how they booked her for bringing on when she did the round off back handspring back tuck back handspring flying back twisted layout full step out step out step out yeah oh my god this step out's where the best part oh my god i love that movie i did see it again and it does not hold up yes it does it does it does it does

hold up for being a teen movie it is very nuanced in the message. I remember. I mean, the message is great, but I'm saying like some of the humor, it's like, all right. Of course. I remember watching it when I was like 10 and being like, why didn't Torrance win? Yeah. I was like, at the end, I like missed the point. Right, right. And now it's like very relevant.

It's very relevant. A hundred percent. And it's crazy how much it holds up also one of the best scenes maybe in all of 90s film i think happened which is the toothbrushing scene with kirsten dunst and first of all let me say queen kirsten kirsten made a glamorous return at the oscars this past week she looked unreal at the oscars i didn't see her. Okay. I'll show you a picture of it later. She just totally nailed it. She nailed it.

And I hate making it about what they wore, but I couldn't deny. She just looked amazing. No. Matt and I were watching it together, and then Matt goes, this is Kirsten saying, remember me, bitch? No, this is Kirsten saying, I'm back. And also, she's been saying it because she's actually been quietly doing great work for a long time.

Sure. Within the past five years. Like Fargo, the television show. Melancholia. Big time. Like she's just good. No, she's great. And if you think about it, she's actually been very present in like kind of movies where like we were growing up.

Like she was in fucking Jumanji. Yeah. You know what I mean? She was in... Interview with the Vampire. Interview with the Vampire. Interview with Vampire Diaries. Interview with the Vampire Diaries.

Yes. And also, who could forget? I mean, Thea Ridge married Jane in Star Wars. Yes. Star Wars. Absolutely.

Absolutely. It's Star Wars. Star Wars. You're putting the S on the wrong part. I said Star Wars. I meant Spider-Man. Yeah. I mixed up my multi-billion dollar franchise

looked at you like you're fucking stars war spider wars you know they'll do it I would see if there was if there was no context and someone was just like hey Kirsten has a movie coming out this weekend spider-war yeah absolutely

run don't want don't even fucking ask me don't give me a choice i don't want your choice i would smoke a pound of weed and then i'd go see spider wars i hope it's literally just like someone like on like an old camcorder like following a spider like no I want it to be this an old elderly woman with a bag of spiders just tossing it out into an open field and another elderly

woman and then being like go yes and then she's battling against another elderly spider handler wait and then who plays the elderly

women yeah where's Kirsten Kirsten okay I want Kirsten to voice the general of the of the of the side that you root for. And I want the women to be played by. Charlotte Gainsbourg.

Charlotte Gainsbourg. Famous elderly actress, Charlotte Gainsbourg. And let's see. Isabelle Rupert. Isabelle Rupert. And she wins the Oscar for that. For Spider Wars. She loses for Elle to Emma, but she

wins for Spider Wars. Best supporting actress. Best actress. Is that Paul Verhoeven? Yes. I love him. I did not see that movie, but I love him. Not only did I not see that movie, but also I haven't seen Moonlight. You get

good. I didn't see it either. Really? You guys gotta get to it It's really beautiful Yeah I was sub tweeted today By Sudi Green Who said I know Who all of you are

Who haven't seen Moonlight And she's talking about me And Mo Frye Pasik Happy birthday And Patty Harrison now And Patty Harrison Shut up Don't come for me

Don't come for me in the comments Don't come for me on the podcast We don't come for you I'm sorry Do not come for Patty in the comments Sooty Green you are blacklisted Sooty Green how about how about this Snooty

how about this Snooty Green yes Snooty Mean drag her drag her Snooty Mean honestly she deserves it honestly shout out to Snooty Mean but listen guys We should at this point

We've now dived way back We've dived back Back Back into history Yes It feels like an appropriate time We want to ask Patty The question we ask all of our guests

Yes Okay Which is Patty What was the culture Growing up That made you think Culture I could get used to this

What influenced you What made you say Culture's for me Like culture I think I'm Gonna like this Yeah It could be a movie Culture? I could get used to this. What influenced you? What made you say, culture's for me? Like, culture, I think I'm gonna like this. Yeah, it could be a movie, it could be a television show, it could be music, it could be just culture of life. Just any culture? Any culture. What influenced your path?

It could be suburbia, it could be whatever, you know. Well, you see, i was very obsessed i became very obsessed with um with like toonami and anime but like like a cartoon network like yeah let's talk about the toonami lineups from when you were growing up yeah probably when we were growing up. I didn't have cable famously, but I would love Toonami. No, really. What are we talking about? I didn't truly have cable. This is hard to move past.

Excuse me. You haven't seen Moonlight Patty. I would be careful if I were you, talking to me about things that you haven't seen Moonlight Patty so I want to be careful for if I were you talking to me about things that you can't move past alright be careful I'm sorry this is a disaster yeah no I shouldn't yeah okay

so I guess at first it was Dragon Ball Z and then Sailor Moon and then later on there was Tenchi Muyo there was Tenchi Universeo. There was Tenchi Universe. There was Rurouni Kenshin. I love Rurouni Kenshin. Oh, my God.

And it's Samurai X now. I think if you, like, watch it on. Oh, yeah. Do they call it Rurouni Kenshin on Netflix? Oh, is it on Netflix? It's on Netflix now. I think they call it Rurouni Kenshin on. They probably call it Rurouni Kenshin across the board.

But, yeah, I remember the anglicized thing was like Samurai X and it was like watered down a little bit because Rurouni Kenshin was pretty violent yeah yeah they had to cut it

they did I think with like Dragon Ball Z yeah I remember seeing a scene later where Sal vomits oh no I'm sorry

no where it's like Trunks cuts someone in half or is it trunks or someone cuts trunks in half oh yes he takes a sword the yes it's during like the android saga the android saga iconic saga yeah i became that was a moment uh toonami was like i became blindly obsessed with like as because I'm half Vietnamese and my mom did not try and indulge us in any way

in Vietnamese culture. I think she was escaping a lot of it. So she was very much trying to be Americanized and Americanize us. So, yeah, we never like I'm I she never like taught us any Vietnamese or really like went into any of the details. So it was very much like we were Ohio people. And so it was exciting to me to feel like, oh, these some of these like people, I i guess are supposed to be like me even though it was like a very glazing over of the sure that i'm not japanese or that i'm not well yeah and and like it was just the thing you could latch on to uh just to be like well this is what asian media

means to this is the closest thing i can i can i can come to with asian media i mean that is no i i relate to that fully and even in a house where like we did speak chinese and we did like live that culture like anime was like the thing that was like affirming for just what i would watch and read uh like what i watch on tv and read in books or in manga it was just like oh this is something that was made relatively close to where my family's from yeah it's yeah it's it's it's weird it was huge yeah dragon ball z um sailor moon i remember after school just everyone gathering and was pokemon part of toonami no pokemon was wb yeah w yeah that's right that's right oh my god yeah this is a throwback that's that's real time pokemon was a real culture stopper i remember the principal at my elementary school came over

the loudspeaker and officially banned Pokemon from our school Yeah we had that moment too Everything Pokemon was banned First it was the cards And then there were like erasers Pencil top erasers going around for a while That like Because people would just ping them off stuff

So then this got banned And then they just banned everything Like you couldn't even wear like a Pokemon shirt It was bad It was, it was bad. It was like people were doing deals. That's deals. Like people were trading cards before school,

uh, dirt, like during breaks. It was like, and it was like transactions would be happening during school sometimes. And like, I guess it got to the point where the teachers just couldn't handle it anymore. So it got to the principal.

And I remember we had to be sitting in our seats for this major announcement. It was like the fucking Sessions announcement today. It was like a press conference that the principal was having, and she was like, from this day forward, there will be no more of this. Oh, my God. Just think about, I don't know. I mean, sure, like we had some Christian families

like forbid it and like force kids to like burn their cards. Yeah. But I feel like there's nothing inherently like bad or damaging about poker. It's so funny. Well, it was the fact, I think it was the fact that, it wasn't even that it was a distraction. I think there was something to people were getting really upset because they

felt like they were getting ripped off with the specific trades that were happening. And there was a lot of like drama. And I remember even with my own cousin, I convinced him to trade me his blast toys for a Venusaur. I had two Venusaurs and he was good. He had one blast toys and I, I,

he, we did the trade and said no tradebacks prior which was very important yeah and at that point it was locked in we handed over the cards and that was that and my aunt called me later that night and says michael regrets trading the card he wants it back for matthew and i was like there's absolutely no way i'm sorry the deal's been done i became like a businessman in that moment. I was like, no, the transaction is complete. See? But, Matthew.

We're blood. Michael regrets. Michael regrets, Matthew, please. Michael regrets. It's like the Godfather moment. Surely. But it was crazy. And I remember it was part of that was like kids crying and kids being upset and kids being jealous of each other it

became this new materialism it was like he has a charizard he's socially worth more than us and still so yeah yeah anyone that has a charizard nowadays i'm like well yeah you set up straight around them they're in the upper you get immediate head from me i'll tell you that right now you get a charizard you get a you get a charred side, you get a blowjob. So you know I have two teeth. I give them good. And they're right up, one right up top at the center and one right at the bottom

of the center. They're so sharp. Two teeth. They're both in size. But kids will find any Kids will find any way to like barter and like pedal and and shit like because it's actually natural in the human body to pedal yeah there you go you learn how to barter you learn uh how currency works yeah social and capital capital honestly and then remember the

video game craze the game boy shit you probably still play I still play honey I was very poor I did not have a game boy but people surrounding me did and then I got a hand I got a game boy by the time like game boy color that was like the second series of game boy

color that's when my friend who got who had money who always got like toys as soon as they came out he gave it to me yeah and then i got to play a black and white giant game boy oh my god oh my god but it was like i remember i remember when the new ones would come out and then i finally lost a handle on it when like there was all of a sudden a thousand pokemon i was like i forget it i don't know these people yeah i stopped i i had pokemon cards for like a while i think like into eighth grade it was when the the symbol

pokemon yes that was just letters yeah yeah um and then yeah remember when those and those animals can they just made them letters that's when i We're out of animals. Did you ever watch Fushigi Yugi? Because I was obsessed with that. No? What is it about? It's about this Japanese schoolgirl, of course, and she gets sucked into this ancient feudal Japanese world where she is deemed the priestess of Suzaku.

And she's one of four priestesses who has to summon 12 other warriors that each in service to one of the four Japanese gods. And it's all out war. It sounds literally fierce. It sounds fierce, but also like, it was a lot going on. It was very busy.

Would have loved the simplicity of Spider Wars, honestly. Spider Wars, we're going to keep coming back to this. Spider Wars is literally just spiders fighting to see're going to keep coming back to this. Spider Wars is literally just spiders fighting to see who can be the best spider, and I'm on board for that. Anyway, but no, Fushigi Yugi was great. But yeah, Toonami, did Toonami have Johnny Bravo on it?

No. That was Hanna-Barbera. Oh, yes, yes, yes. But it was Cartoon Network. It was after. Got it. So it was like Powerpuff Girls and Johnny Bravo. Those cartoons, I think, came on because I think Toonami was from like Florida.

Which all Japanese. Yeah. It was like anime from Florida, like 7 p.m. or something. Did you ever get it? I was allergic to Johnny Bravo, despite him being like. Your type. My type. Right.

Big and blonde. Big and blonde. I liked it when it was on and then i recently saw a clip of the what the episode where he gets turned into a woman and he gets street harassed and he's like understands why it sucks to like harass women oh my god get out and it's like it's that's powerful but they only did it for one episode and i mean it's like yeah my favorite are those shows for young kids. I mean, they're designed for young kids that have like a moral message for one second and then go back to being about stupid bullshit. Yeah.

Like, I remember I watched a Lizzie McGuire episode one time where Lizzie McGuire's best friend, remind me of her name. I don't know her name. I'm going to watch that. Gwesbys. Gwesbys. Gwesbys. Gw gwebby's like isn't eating and gordo and lizzie notice and i for some reason i know the actress's name was la lane okay but i don't know the character's name miranda so this is it seems like eating disorder but she was like not eating wow and it was like this plot line where she was like really kind of like

struggling with food. And at the end of the episode, Lizzie McGuire has this monologue where she was like, we just want you to be happy. We're your friends. And to see you unhappy, like really hurts us. And we want to make sure that you're okay.

And like, they had all had a hug and I was watching with my dad. It was a health teacher. And he's like, I'm going to show that to my class. And I was like, maybe. But like the rest of the show is about like her being a half a cartoon. I don't know what I didn't know. It was so stupid.

But then they did have that one episode. And then there was that one episode of That's So Raven where she goes to get a part time job. And she sees a vision of the person that owns the store saying I don't hire black people. So it was true like every now and then those shows would come out with a message. A social app. A social app. And of course

who could forget the Sabrina the Teenage Witch episode about abortion. Is this real? Oh my god. I was gonna say Harvey. Harvey's like oh Sabrina. Oh shit. You can't do this without my consent. well i was gonna say harvey harvey's like oh sabrina oh shit oh shit you can't do this without my consent she's like yes i can um oh i would die i would gag for what rupaul was on sabrina no yeah look it up it's on youtube i will he's been on everything he's been on everything he was on seth meyers last night really to go for those of you listening i wonder oh my

god i gotta ask our friend. Yeah. Who works there. Who produces. He produces the interview segment. So I guess he must have talked to RuPaul. Henry Melcher, if you're listening, he would have told me. I'm sorry.

We're not talking about Henry. I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. Guess what, folks? We're teammates again. And we're going to welcome you guys all to Dudes on Dudes. I'm a dude. You're a dude. And Dudes on Dudes is our brand new show.

We're going to highlight players, peers, guys that we played against, legends from the past. And we're just going to sit here and talk about them. And we'll get into the types of dudes. What kind of types of dudes are there, Gronk? We got studs. Wizards. We got freaks. Or dudes, dude. We got dogs. Dogs. We'll break into the types of dudes. What kind of types of dudes are there, Gronk? We got studs, wizards. We got freaks. Or dudes dude.

We got dogs. Dogs. We'll break down their games. We'll share some insider stories and determine what kind of dude each of these dudes are. Is Randy Moss a stud or a freak? Is Tom Brady a dog or a dudes dude? We're going to find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season.

Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, a five-year-old boy floated alone in the ocean. He had lost his mother trying to reach Florida from Cuba. He looked like a little angel. I mean, he looked so fresh. And his name, Elian Gonzalez, will make headlines everywhere. Elian Gonzalez.

Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian Gonzalez. At the heart of the story is a young boy and the question of who he belongs with. His father in Cuba. Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him.. His father in Cuba. Mr. Gonzales wanted to go home

and he wanted to take his son with him. Or his relatives in Miami. Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. At the heart of it all is still this painful family separation. Something that as a Cuban, I know all too well.

Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story, as part of the My Cultura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Cheryl Swoops, WNBA champ, three-time Olympian, and Basketball Hall of Famer. I'm a mom, and I'm a woman. I'm Tarika Foster-Brasby, journalist, sports reporter, basketball analyst, a wife, and I'm also a woman. And on our new podcast, we're talking about the real obstacles women face day to day. See, athlete or not, we all know it takes a lot as women to be at the top of our game. We want to share those stories about balancing work

and relationships, motherhood, career shifts, you know, just all the we go through. Because no matter who you are, there are levels to what we experience as women. And T and I, well, we have no problem going there. Listen to Levels to This with Cheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster-Brasby, an iHeart women's sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll.

This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. We talk about guilt, shame, body image, and huge life transformations. I was a desperate, delusional dreamer. And the desperate part, that made a lot of trouble. I encourage delusional dreamers. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate, delusional dreamer. the desperate part got me in a lot of trouble. I encourage delusional dreamers. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate delusional dreamer.

I just had such an anger. I was just so mad at life. Everything that wasn't right was everybody's fault but mine. I had such a victim mentality. I took zero accountability for anything in my life. I was the kid that if you asked what happened, I immediately started with everything but me. It took years for me to break that, like years of work. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. We're not going to do this. We're not going to do this.

We're not going to talk about any straight white men here today. Sorry. Thank you so much. Not even our producer, Joe, who looks really handsome today, actually. Joe looks really good. Like, you got a little bit of a haircut, and your facial hair looks great.

You look great, Joe. It's also been a long time since we've seen you, so you look very handsome. Very handsome. What did he look like the last time? Oh, my God. Fucking beast. Like, you don't even understand.

Fucking disheveled. Fucking comes in here, has no presentation Ugly Like wide Wide and ugly Stinks Stink

A smell Unwiped ass Yeah unwiped ass Like when you got too much Asshole crap In your fucking crack Or it's like They did one wipe

But it was a messy Muddy shit So they just made a line Up their back And they didn't care to do a second way best insult i've ever heard in my life was in high school which is these two kids were fighting and the one kid goes to the other kid yo by the way i fucked your mom and you need to tell her that she needs to wipe her asshole better oh because she's still got crap in her asshole

all right and then he spells it out after he did he was like because she's got shit in her butt just so you know that's what that joke was and it was just like everyone was too shocked that he had gotten that explicit but like he won the fight yeah but by by going real blue did anyone check in with them i feel like her her narrative was hijacked here yeah it's true she's got no she, she really can't, she can't chime in on the conversation. Do you know why I didn't wipe my ass? It's because I don't have time. Because I'm doing this by myself.

I'm a single mother. I have to drive you to school, make your fucking sandwiches. I make them with my shitty hands. And every time I fuck one of my son's students. Shit all over my hands. Every time I fuck one of my son's classmates, I don't think about wiping my ass.

It's my, it's the only thing I have time, it's the only release I get. It's a very quick, They have 40 minutes for lunch, takes them 15 minutes to drive to my house.

What am I gonna do? Wipe my hands? No, I have to fuck these kids. I'm not a monster for not wiping my ass. I am a monster for fucking a kid,

but I'm also a single mom and I'm very busy. Understand my plight. point oh let's write that i love it um it's the sequel to spider wars spider wars 2 mom mom mom who doesn't wipe her ass yeah but fucks her son's class played that's what kirsten dunn's place yes but she's she makes a return appearance she reprises her role Reprise is her role Reprise Whatever I'm talking about Reprise, reprise

Okay, here's a question Answer it for all time The second time a song is done in a musical Is it a reprise or a reprise? Reprise is the noun Reprise is the verb Done Open and shut

Okay, so to reprise something Yes So I used the word wrong with Kirsten just now But it's a reprise when it's an object. Do you know what I'm saying? Okay. Just don't use it wrong again and then we're good. But I feel like colloquially

people just go wild. It's like people... Because I want to say biopic, but I've been told it's biopic. No. No, no, no, no. I think it's biopic. I maintain that it's biopic. Fuck. no, no, no, no. I think it's biopic. I maintain that it's biopic. Bi- bi- fuck. Biopic.

Reading it online for so many years. What is it? Biopic. I did think it looked like biopic. No, because they're- Biopic? That doesn't sound right.

It's gotta be biopic. Because- In my film classes, every professor in TA had said biopic. No, because that's like them trying to sound smart by saying, like rhyming it with the word myopic, which is not a genre. Where'd you go to college?

Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. Athenza State School. Athens. Athens State School. Was it a state school? Was it private? No, Ohio State University Ohio State is state

Yeah We were an hour and a half I'm so sorry South Did you and Mitra know each other? Yeah Through college improv We didn't go to school together

But we met at OSU's improv conference Which is great Which was Was it Bellwether? So you did improv in college I did In the whole bit

Yeah Yeah I did Oh my god Bellwether I wish I would have They So They invited us out there NYU Oh Dangerbox? We were this close to going you did in Providence College. I did. In the whole bit. Yeah. Yeah, I did. Oh my God, bellwether. I wish I would have, so they invited us out there, NYU. Oh, Dangerbox? We were this close to going and then the trip just didn't work out.

Oh, you should have went. It's a blast. It's so good. I know, I kind of wish I, and then maybe we would have met each other. I wish we would have done more trips. That's something, looking back in college,

like I wish our groups would have done more. You guys did some. We did some, but they were all East Coast, you know what I mean? Like you guys went to LA.A. one time. We went to L.A. twice, yeah. Where did you go to school? I was at NYU as well.

Along with Dylan. But Bone was in the improv group, Danger Bucks, and I was in Hammercast. And we just, the sketch group. And we didn't really do a lot of trips. Like, we did a lot. We did one to, like, Yale. We did D.C. together. D.C. And then, of course, they were Skidmore. Washington Del Close.

Somebody said a joke about Del Close today. It was like, I don't know who Del Close is, but I looked at a picture of me. It looks like a fucking asshole. And he's really wise. He's like a white guy with a big beard and glasses. No one's ever seen his eyes. Like, total fuckboy. Hey, Matt, he is dead.

And just so you know, you can fucking run your mouth all you want, but improv gurus can die. And when they do, it's hard on all of us. And they can't respond. He probably got a shitty ass too. And you know what? I'll say that without him being able to respond. Can we confirm that someone wiped Doug?

Yes. I'm sure we can. Patty, I think Matt and I Want to talk all about Patty Reviews Exotic Animals Edition I love it Can you tell us

Can you spill the tea On Nature Nick Nature Nick What's his deal No as much I'm not as eager To let you spill the tea I just want to know

His deal Okay If he leads a private life Who are we to Spill all this tea He is He obviously loves The attention He is happily married And he lets his wife leads a private life who are we to spill all this tea he is he is he obviously loves the attention

he is happily married and he lets his wife uh name a lot of the animals okay they're and she's getting them she's got the pants and that yeah yes uh and they uh they raise these animals and um and think, Long Island. Oh. Yeah. And he's very nice and formal. He's a good foil to you. A great foil to you. But lately, I think Nature Nick is really just clocking this attention he's getting.

Because I think in the new episodes. Oh, he's been a little more sassy. He's been a little more sassy. He's been a little more sassy. Yes. Well, that's the, so the first series, um, of episodes, uh, my turtleneck, uh,

mustache series. Uh, I, um, we shot all those in one day. Right. And then the second series, which are the ones that are being released now.

And there's like, I think six more. So we did six at one time and then we came back and did another six. And the second time he was like I didn't understand really what you Were going for the first time but now that I watch it I get it's like a funny thing So he he he was a good

Sport both times totally I think he Understood his role his assignment His fucking place I did like how he Was just earnestly in the first series just like Yeah this is this animal. Well, no,

Patty, I don't, I don't know about that. Like just answer your question about that. Very, very, very just innocently, I guess.

But I mean, I fucking love everyone loves the series. I think how we, how did you, how did you pitch this in the room? It was there. Did you do a Patty reviews of other stuff before? Was this,

was the exotic animals edition, like an addendum to like something that didn't even exist before no so uh this was actually something that was pitched uh by i guess helmed by ethan berlin who is the creative lead uh he he is a light, and he, so he just basically said, if we got an exotic animal handler just bringing a bunch of animals, would you want to shoot videos of them? And I was like,

oh, hell yeah, queen. And then he was like, what would you want to do? I was like, I don't know. He's like, can you just review them or something? So that was basically it. It was very loose,

and very, Reviewing animals. Yeah, it was very loose um and very viewing animals yeah it's very uh it's uh there's it doesn't seem like it but there's nuance and we're saying things uh yes as a trans woman of color everything i do is intrinsically political yeah that word yes yes that word yes you caught me i was gonna say political and i was gonna say political Say it Matt Political That word How long did it take to shoot the first series

I feel like that shoot is The first series is bonkers Crazy amazing and I'm like How could you sustain that energy For a whole shoot for a whole sesh it was it was I think 10 10 or it was like a I guess we got there but the shooting it was I think probably like 11 to 4 30 p.m or 5 p.m oh god I thought you were gonna say 11 hours I was like yeah sure it's 11 hours per animal all animals they all passed on from uh wear and tear absolutely what is the best animal oh my god yes give us this i think that the best

the animal i had the best time with um the wallaby there was yeah the wallaby is great the uh the parrot there's so insane there's a lot of stuff that didn't make it in that is uh so basically there uh there's another video coming out that's a kookaburra uh and i think it has another name it's like a kingfisher but basically uh they're both very talkative birds like naturally but raised i guess in the wild they they communicate with each other but since they're both raising captivity right they talk to when they make noise they talk to people and uh but they were before we were filming, they were both beside each other, like in their cages. No, no, no. And they are just like responding to any noise.

So when one would start, another would just start to go. And kookaburras are the loudest animal on earth. Like it is the funniest noise. And so the parrot, and the parrot's the same way if you as soon as you start to talk at the parrot it just starts to be like like that shit and so as long as you do it it will do it back in the kookaburra is the same so if you just like it'll start to do it back so and that's so fun to me is when someone matches your energy in an improv scene. And then also if it's just a bird. I had so much fun matching energy with these energies with these birds.

Those were really fun. I think that's the quote. I think just the Patty Harrison quote. Not irrespective of this podcast, but I had so much fun matching energies with those birds. Roo-coo-coo. Roo-coo-coo. Come on. I did recently write a song called All My Birds.

Yes. And you guys can look out for it. This is real. This is real. This is real. We were in Chicago and Matt just wrote this song one night. We had just finished dinner. I don't even think you had that much to drink.

This is not a drunken thing. No, it never is. You were inspired. I think that it's going gonna be the first single off my untitled album as of yet untitled album and i'll be dropping pretty soon i think i think i think i think the title of your album is gonna be joel can booster eat my ass joel can booster eat my ass yeah oh for the that's out of context but in joel is in austral you right now. And he was on Tinder and he came across a profile, which was this guy, Bryce. Bryce. And the first line was, Joel Kim Booster, eat my ass.

And then he said, I promise mine tastes better than Justin Trudeau's because Joel famously posted a pic of Justin Trudeau's ass. Do you think that that means that Joel is famous? Like all of a sudden he was scrolling through and do you think someone knew he was there? How did that come about? That's what I think it is. I hope that's what that means. I hope I get famous enough to have people beg you to eat

their ass. On Tinder, on like a real crapshoot of an app to like, it's not like he was on Instagram and tagged him, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, I hope that's what the reason was too but I mean could it be anything else I'm sure I'm sure that's the Occam's razor it couldn't be anything how could we what's a scary thing we could find about this oh that maybe it's not a good thing that he obviously has

an ass eating stalker or that his ass has some toxin in it and he wants to poison joel oh my god do you think that there's a witch that's cast a spell on this boy and he has a poisonous ass like an apple and he's trying to lure joel to eat the ass no not bryce joel will fall into a deep sleep no bryce wouldn't get anywhere near a witch fuck you no and the only the only way to wake Joel up from the sleep is to eat Joel's ass. It's passed on. You know what's funny? I told my dad today about this podcast, because I don't think he really got what it was.

And he's like, oh, you got to send me a link. And now we'll just jump on to this episode where we're talking about eating my friend Joel's ass. Hi, Rich. OK, Matt's dad. Imagine this. It's like Sleeping Beauty, a story. But it's two gay men.

And one of the men is eternally asleep, and the only way to wake him up is to eat his ass. And when you walk up to his castle, he's laying face down, and he's in a fucking jock strap, and he's in a little cropped mesh football t-shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's laying face down. Oh, my God, yeah. He's in a penis the band shirt.

That is probably Joel's outfit. It's the iconic Joel look. Oh, my God. It's the iconic Joel look. That, God. It's the iconic Joel look. That, oh, that, I would write that.

Patty, Patty is good. Patty is coming up with a bunch of these premises and I'm on board with all of them. Well, she's trained to come up with premises now. I know, but listen, I'm saying I just,

I'm greenlining left and right. I thought you were going to say she's trans. But she's trans. And it's like, wow, Matt. Wow, Matt.

That's where I was going with that just so everyone knows amazing ideas just so everyone knows when i walked in the door matt turned around and he took his straw out of his tab soda and he winked at me and he's like she's trans and then he turned back around and then he put he took off two fedoras yes took two fedoras stacked on top of each other in completely different shapes yes i dispute every word and that's when i knew that there was there was a fracture in the queer community that caused the fissure absolutely right then and there wait patty i think there's a star um a potential in your mother because patty over over thanksgiving break i'm sorry to bring this up no but over thanksgiving but this is on patty's potential in your mother. Because Patty, over Thanksgiving break,

I'm sorry to bring this up, but over Thanksgiving, but this was on Patty's Instagram story, and then she weeks later posted it on to Instagram. I'm so glad she did. It's, you start with an fade in on Patty's mom scrolling on her phone, and then cut to Patty just doing

the reverse shot of just us seeing what's on her phone, and then Patty has blurred out the phone screen and put an overlay on top of it is Hugh Jackman's penis real And then it's just Patty's mom just scrolling through and then cut back to Patty's mom scrolling And then you hear off-camera Patty saying mom. That's so gross. What are you googling? And then Patty's mom is like I'm not googling anything. what are you talking about and that performance star making talking about she uh she has she can just access a gravitas in a way that i haven't seen a comedic gravitas where it creates this juxtaposition it's kind of like absolutely i mean you know i i I would say on a Ferris and scary on a Ferris and scary movie, not since on a Ferris and scary movie.

Have we seen this gravitas? Wait, I watched scary movie too. Uh, a couple of days ago is the one you need to watch. I ha I had that VHS. I can quote it from top to bottom. Same.

Come on. It's my favorite one. And I'll say it again. The best scene in cinema history is when Simon Rex walks out. Simon Rex walks out of the classroom after getting a date with Anna Faris's character.

And he closes the door and all the crayons hit the door. And Regina Hall says, Now who the fuck did that? Yeah. I think the opening scene of Scary Movie 3 is true. I watched it again. Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy.

Amazing. Yeah. Both of them so good. Yeah. She goes, and I love when she sees like, Pamela Anderson sees that Jenny McCarthy's like, obviously dead. And she's like, are you okay?

Her head falls off. And she's like, are she's like are you okay her head falls off and she's like are you okay okay the cow says blank oh no the cow says the cow says blank dude yeah three letters dude dude and it's really funny to see you guys laugh i don't know you guys can't see this but they are both beaming right now smiles and that is one of the most misogynistic uh scenes in a film and as a feminist watching this now is very uh you know or are they having fun women wrote that film women wrote that film women wrote that film oh my god i listened to anna ferris on On RuPaul's podcast And she is just A cool Fucking person And fucking Anna Faris Is the best

And the way she booked Scary Movie Was nuts Like she like Gave herself a year To like book Something in LA And she like

Was not a comedic actress Yeah Super dramatic All her friends were like You're not funny Like what are you doing Her roommate was like I don't understand

You're not funny And then she So she went in She went in for Scary Movie And like the Weyand brothers Loved her Yeah And then she, so she went in, she went in for Scary Movie and like the Weigh In brothers loved her. Yeah. And then she just did

the first fucking movie. I think that's why. Yeah. I think it's why it's so funny is that she plays, it's the dumbest premise of all time and she just delivers

every line so sincerely. Yeah. And that's, it's very inspired so much of like my sense of humor. Yeah, 100%. Like what I was attracted to

is like as a as a comedian yeah same i think that any comedic actress which are two words that i comedic actress like what does that mean sure sure sure also actress yeah but like if someone came in there and tried to play it for comedy it wouldn't have been it you're right. Like, and you can, you can pick up on that right away. Um,

Oh my God, this is all coming back to me. First R-rated movie I ever saw was scary movie. Cause my sister and I wanted to see it so badly. We were not 17. Very controversial film. So our mom brought us to see the scary movie. And then by the time,

uh, I forget, I forget, I forget which, which actor this was. One of the Wayans brothers, by the time he's like in forget, I forget which which actor this was. One of the Wayans brothers. By the time he's like in the bathroom and there's that glory hole thing. And then he gets stabbed in the ear, fucked in the ear and dies.

My mom was like, we're leaving. Yeah. And I oh my God, I just yeah, I just remembered that. I think that that happened to us with Anchorman. We went to Dorney Park, me and all my cousins is that no it was straight pg-13 but we went to dorney park with my cousins and it poured rain so much so that they closed down the park and we're like fuck and my parents were like all right we'll go take them to the movies so they took us to see anchor man and i was probably like 13 14 but uh

i was with my two my sister who was 10 and my cousin who was 9 Christina and Chelsea and my cousin Michael and I were laughing hysterical and I think they made it 10 minutes and they were like no we have to take the girls out the younger kids and the first time I watched that movie I was like I don't fully get this but I know it's funny

and the second time I watched it I was like no this is the best movie of all time anchorman i fucking loved is it is it pg-13 i think it is and there was like an unrated version that came out as the dvd yeah yeah i remember uh i remember a moment with austin powers oh yeah with uh a lot of vagina when she when she says in japan men come first and women come second and i remember and he's like oh sometimes not at all and then i remember asking myself like drilling her what is that what does that mean and she's like it's a joke let's move forward and i said no what does come mean tell me what come means and she's like let's move forward and i was like okay so what

come forward let's oh my god i mean i feel like people are now i get it now we get it because i know what come my dad chased me out of the room with austin powers too and then i went back in the room because he was laughing so loud at it and i was like what is it i want to be involved and it's like no you have to get the fuck out of here this isn't for you this is the thing i had no one explain it to me because i would just get the austin powers movies from the library watch them by myself in the basement and not have anyone explaining me what the jokes are. And I could probably still do with another watch through and pick up on things that I have not picked up on. We recently spoke about Clueless, watching the movie Clueless.

Being as young as we were when that came out, you wouldn't get anything. I didn't get anything about the movie Clueless. And then later on, but I always liked it. But then later on, you actually get what they're talking about. And it's like, wow, this is actually so good. I think people in our age group are finally now owning up to the fact that the scary, like the movies like the scary movies and Austin Powers movies were like comedically influential for us. Yeah, they were great.

And that's all you need. You just need the key. If you're at a formative age, you just need to see someone who can like, I mean, it could, it could, I guess it would be considered hack now, but those were like blockbusters, blockbuster comedy movies that like everybody saw that you could quote with your friends.

Yeah, totally. Yeah. And it plants the seed. Yeah, it really does. I mean, that was actually the first time I ever think I wrote creatively was like,

I was, I happened to be in a creative writing like class that was like an elective in ninth grade and all my friends were talking about this actually is the way I obviously bullied in middle school a lot and then didn't have any friends and then in ninth grade

like everyone was talking about Anchorman and I had just seen it and I was like quoting the lines and like quoting lines with them was the way I became like friends with everybody like we all kind of thought the same thing was funny and then i remember like that was the first time it really clicked for me it was like oh wow somebody writes that movie sure and then like i also really got into the television show lost and i was like wow someone writes this like i never connect to this but keep talking I just like no but like just those two things like I was really like comedically satisfied by like Anchorman and

all those like dumb dumb dumb dumb comedies that were coming out at the time like Wedding Crashers came out at that time and like Scary Movie 3 and all that shit and then also like I was so into Lost and then I got really into Desperate Housewives. Right. And I got really into Grey's Anatomy and was into all the ABC network dramas. And I'm like, oh my God, wait, hold on. Storytelling. Yeah. And it was the first time I ever realized that was like a thing people could do. Mark Cherry.

Was be a writer in that way. Because at the time I was such an idiot. I just thought being a writer meant like you wrote for a newspaper or like wrote novels. And I was like, well, that seems like really hard or like not interesting. Yeah, I think my concept of like film and television was that like you write, direct, you star. Yeah. Oh, like Anna Faris wrote and starred in this movie and she directed it and it's very cool. She's the lead character, so she made this movie.

Wow. And this is her movie, and what a feminist thing to do. Yeah. Wow. I don't know why I keep bringing up feminism. I'm not a feminist, and I hate feminism. And with that thought, we actually have to take a quick break to have a word from our, you guessed it, bitch, sponsors.

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Really? Why? You know what I like? Veep. Oh, yeah. I love it but but i can't like i can't get on board with the stuff that like the mass is like in terms of comedy like i really i watched about three episodes of modern family and i was like i'm actually good forever i'm good forever i couldn't get into modern family either it's the weird pacing and the rhythms i think it's i've also i've watched i just find it hard to get on board

with things i think with my intentions being because i've watched an episode of veep and i was like this is incredible and then i haven't watched anymore yeah yeah i do that see henry loves to binge veep and it's one it's it's kind of like 30 rock where you could just watch you could watch an episode again and it's still funny and it's great. But like with drama television shows, I get obsessed. I get obsessed, obsessed, obsessed. Like I'll sit there and binge, binge, binge, binge. Like right now, you guys, listen, Patty and Bowen are not on board yet, but Big Little Lies, I'm telling you, it is such a gag.

I gag constantly on this what is it about? it is about rich moms in Monterey California and it's like Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman and Shailene Woodley and Laura Dern

and it's like the power struggle of moms it's like PTA really involved moms who treat the fact that there's conflict amongst the kids and birthday party drama on the same par as the murder that happened. It's like Desperate Housewives, but with no wink. You know what I mean? It's like a really kind of heightened, dark Desperate Housewives, but the moms are richer, the houses are bigger, and the quality is better. Wow.

I feel like... You must. It's based on a novel, so it's only going to be one season. So it's essentially like a miniseries. The seven episodes of it. It's not going to do a season two, so it's going to be really good to binge.

It's David E. Kelly and Jean-Marc Vallée who did Dallas Buyers Club and Wild. It's really good. See, my thing is as I saw previews for it and I said, wow, this looks visually pretty. But

when are we going to have shows about older women and it's not a mom thing? Right? Like a Grey Garden scripted thing. Well, I mean, it's already happened mom thing right right i want like a gray garden scripted thing well i mean it's already happened technically but like you know what i mean their qualms can or their their dilemmas can be beyond like mother motherhood it's like it's when you see i don't know i will say i agree that here's what's cool about the show the initial conflicts the conflict the initial conflicts are based on oh

something happened with our daughters oh my gosh like this really bothers me but then once you get to see what they're actually upset about it's actually a really interesting examination on marriage it's a really interesting examination on like you know what happens when you're someone who really is driven individual person, but you also have to take into account someone else's feelings. Like it's like, there's, it's a lot more than just them being moms.

Like, and I actually think that's part of the subversion of it is it's like, you do think that it is just going to be this thing of like, Oh, that's funny that they, um, it's funny, it's funny that they get, that they get all into who's invited to this five year old's birthday that they um it's funny it's funny that they get that they get all

into who's invited to this five-year-old's birthday party but it's for them it's just like it that's just like what's on the surface and it's the subject matter it deals with is really cool exploring the deeper control dynamics yes honestly yeah it's about power the show is about power but i just want i agree with patti though i want to see a scripted drama female driven feud that's about feud but you know what it's about spiders fighting yes spider wars if it's gonna if it's gonna take us to old women who are spider generals science they've engineered these spiders. Well, no one knows this. It's kind of like a Pokemon or like a Beyblade. It is a Pokemon, yes.

Where it's these women meet in this field, and then they release all their little spiders in this field. But it's very strategic. It's not random. No one knows this, but- These are masters. Masters of spiders. All spiders are old women.

That's true. Did you ever watch Escaflowne? No. It's familiar, but I did not. Was it about like a giant robot? It was about giant robots. It was like Gundam Wing, but prettier. Oh.

Anyway. Guys, I could go on and on. Do you watch Girls? Huh? Do you watch Girls? Famous anime girls. I watched the first season of Girls, and then I watched the most recent episode, which was crazy good.

Yeah. Yeah. So good. So good. I was put off after I watched like a cup, like short portions of like episodes subsequently after the first season. And I was like, what is this?

And it got pretty weird in the second and third season. And then the fourth and fifth season were both so good. And this season has been so great. Like this, this last episode, like everyone's freaking out about it because it is genuinely so amazing but it's emblematic of what the show has been for the last two years it is oh man there's

just this bottle episode from the past season yeah and five that with Marnie and it's fantastic that's that's what I've heard I've heard Allison Williams is knocking it out of the park with this boyfriend or ex boyfriend narrative I've been I've heard lots of people

gushing about it there you go i think a lot of people are turning a corner on aw as she's known on instagram i was apprehensive about seeing get out because i was like how can this be good if allison williams is in it because i remember peter pan i will always remember peter pan i replay it i'm replaying it now i live it it. I live it. And, but she fucking was amazing. That movie, like she was such a, I couldn't imagine anyone else doing that. Like she's kind of perfect for that.

I have to see it. Well, here's the thing. Not, not two nights ago. I say, Matt, let's go see Get Out.

We have time to kill. We've approximately an hour and 44 minutes. The runtime of Get Out to go see Get Out. It's two, the theater's two streets away. Let's go. And he goes, I'm too scared. But out to go see get out it's two so the theater's two streets away let's go and he goes i'm too scared but then i said no it's not it's supposed to be amazing and not just a scary movie and then today how scary is it it's not like it's a it's like a thriller here you go and like and then some and then there's there's a piece of their sudden

moments there was a piece in in vulture today that said the headline was just stop being a coward or don't worry cowards get out isn't that scary yeah it's not like jump scare right it's not like it's not like a spooky like a clown creature scary right it's it's uh it's more like suspense in like a suspenseful thrill i guess it would be like like silence of the lambs okay it's lumped in as a horror movie but that's more like not it's like a suspenseful thriller and you're like following and i would say get out is is not comparably violent by any means there you go all right it's great listen i know i have to see it i want to go see it i cannot wait to go see it we'll see it it's just like it gets you know listeners of lost countries as well know i'm a jumpy boy little what movie did you see that

you were like this is so scary i regret to give you an idea of what goes on in here and i'm speaking to like my chest and my stomach like i just get so physically inhabited i had to stop watching Breaking Bad because it was too much. It made me anxious to go see it. I couldn't even start to watch Stranger Things because it was too scary. But I'll get over it, you guys. I'm gonna go see it.

That's okay. You don't have to be apologetic about it. No, but I feel like it sucks for me because it's stuff that I want to go see. Like I want to go see that shit. It does suck and it changes how I think of you, but you know, it's okay, I guess. Cause what do I matter? I'm just, you know, an influential internet select.

Patty will drag you to death, bitch. I will drag you. Patty will fucking drag you. will drag you She'll call you I'm gonna get dragged What does it snooty mean? Snooty mean What were we just talking about before we got on this? Casper mattresses

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I clapped like a seal you just clapped like a seal Patty You just clapped like a seal. Patty, look at her fucking seal. Fucking seal. Shut up. Patty Harrison's a fucking seal. So wait, Seriously is not in the Hearst Tower anymore? No.

No. We are. Where are you? I don't know if I'm going to give away my building. Don't give it away. But they're not in the Hearst building anymore. We're in the Hudson. We're in the Hudson. Find the bar barge that's where i'll be i just always my casper mattress with my

ass up in the air i always pass by the hearse tower because i'm a tour guide on a bus and i always look up at it and i think oh my friends are doing comedy there no i went there i wasn't there so seriously was there and then they left but then i went back there recently um and i i went inside and i was like because everyone is i think our building right now is very nice it's like my first like official comedy job and i was working at a restaurant before so i'm just like amazed to be like working in the city and like this this is all cool. But you miss working at restaurants. Well everyone yes honestly I miss working at a restaurant and someday I will own

one. It's gonna be called Ham Sandwich Store. And not affiliated with Data Ham it's gonna be called Ham Sandwich Store and we're gonna be selling not even artisanal ham sandwiches. I'm gonna go out to the store. I'm gonna buy

some bread and I'm gonna buy some ham. Fuck it up. Some boar's head. Also, Theta cannot do anything because Theta's old moniker used to be ham sandwich. Sandwich. Sandwich and not sandwich. So there you go. You're in the clear. But, okay, so you

went back and you saw you went back to the first tower. The Hearst building is just beautiful. It's so great went back and you saw you went back the hearst building is just beautiful it's so great and did you know it's made of over 95 recycled steel and at the top of the building there's a basin that catches all the rainwater and precipitation and they use that water to heat cool and power the building it has a platinum certification led certified a leader in energy and environmental design it was actually the first skyscraper to be constructed after the events of 9-11. So it holds a very special place in New Yorkers hearts. Yeah, that's what I always think about when I see Hearst Tower.

Matt, that is devastating. That whole thing you just did. Watching you do it. It devastated no one more than me. I mean, you guys can't see this because it's a podcast, but his eyes, he welled up. Oh, they're fully bleeding right now. I welled up and blood came out of them. It's crazy what happened.

I welled up clear tears and then I cried blood. Matt, if you really want to, you can date a building. I really want to fuck the Hearst Tower. You know, construction began on the Hearst Tower in 1928. And then in 1929 obviously the stock market crashed so the building only stood at six floors for almost 75 years until 2006 when the hearst corporation they had their money back they had patty back and they began construction on what was to be completed as the hearst tower but here was the

thing the building had been historically landmarked. So when that happens, you can't touch it. You can't change it. You can't even look at it the wrong way. So they had to find a loophole. That's what they do. They literally created a loophole. They dug out the middle of that Hearst Tower

and built that modern steel structure from the sixth floor up, and now we have the amazing, green, environmentally friendly building we have today. Matt, this is fucking psychotic and i have called the police under the table i have truly called you guys should all be paying me money right now because i'm giving you part of the experience and oh my god wait hold on i'm looking at center window there's a sax player who's doing a break dance oh my god matt tell

us about him what about him well you know buskers can make up to $500 a day, says Gothamist Magazine. Is that true? Allegedly. Let's all be Buskers. That's how I begin that segment. Oh, great. Anyway, you guys, come do the tour I do. I don't want to say the name.

Oh, why not? Why not just self-plug your own job? No, because why? Because why, guys? Wait, okay. It's called Matt Tours. Matt Tours. Matt Tours.

Spider Tours. Spider Tours. It's called All Lives Matt Tours. Only for people west of the Mason-Dixon. You guys, we have a really amazing... Wait. Go. I just have to say real quick you're into the intonation of um is it uh it was it miami was it miami i'm the i'm the head witch oh yes yes yes i'm the head witch i'm the head witch after you are killed. I'm the greatest witch. Yeah. Witch. Witch.

Witch. Oh my God. Anyways. I think Patty. I'm the greatest witch. I'm glued. But then you canceled halfway through. No, we didn't cancel it.

It's just that sometimes inspiration doesn't strike, although we can announce right now. Hold my hand. No, I respect that. What are we doing? I don't know what this is. It's time to announce. What is happening? That there will be. We've announced this already. It's time to announce that there will be a two nights in Austin coming out on March 5th and March 6th.

We're doing it. We're going to be driving. We're going to be in College Station. No, we're going to be in College Station, Texas. Everyone can look out for us there. All of our fans in College Station, we're coming on March 5th. And all of our fans in Austin, we're going to be on March 6th. We're going to be in production. We're going to March 5th And all of our fans Fans in Austin We're gonna be on March 6th We're gonna be in production

We're gonna We're gonna shoot on South Congress South Congress Let's just say One of the One of the episodes We're excited to announce

The episode title Here we go What is it? Feud Jesus Christ This is the first This is honestly The first I'm hearing of this

And also Yeah and don't you Fucking Aren't you fucking Itching your skin about that Cause you love to call yourself The producer of this project You love to be in Creative Because you love to call yourself the producer of this project. You love to be in creative control.

You have to be in the driver's seat. Well, guess what? I am here, too. OK, well, then. OK, well, this is Matt Rogers is the showrunner. There's been a little bit of a power power struggle here. I just want to say, Patty, to address this. We did have to cancel.

I felt like viewership and engagement was down. I felt like it was time. Why not go out on the set? Bowen is a very negative presence. No, no, no. I will say that. When we're on the set of Nights In, Bowen will get very negative when he feels like we're not fulfilling his creative vision. Because he gets very narrowed in on what he wants it to be.

That's not fair. And then he really cares about likes. I don't know if anyone knows this, but Bowen, at Faye Dunaway, really cares about likes. I don't know if anyone knows this, but Bowen at Faye Dunaway really cares about likes. And once things aren't immediately hitting, he immediately gives up and thinks we should just do other things on our vacations. But I don't want to do other things on our vacations. I want to create content.

I want to remove the stigma of caring too much about likes. Likes is likes are the most immediate feedback we have now. And you know, you care about likes patty uh i um you do wait i do and i i guess my relationship with likes is kind of not uh what a lot of the relationship a lot of people have with likes and i think if i explained it now it would sound all willy wonky and then i would probably just sound crazy or something. You're dodging the question. It's like a love hate relationship.

And I think a lot of people can identify with that in the very least with anything other than likes. You know, you have your parent and some people say, I love my parent, but I don't like my parent. You have that. You know, that's kind of the same thing anyways. I don't know. Bowen is difficult and we've seen it and we know that he's difficult. Let's get back to the point, which is that Bowen is difficult, and we've seen it, and we know that he's difficult. Let's get back to the point, which is that Bowen is very difficult.

Yes, you know what? I just hope that going into this next series, these next two series, that Bowen will give an open mind because we have a great cast. We do. We have a great cast, and I won't announce who they are,

but you know what? It's a great cast. My dream is that someday and not in a shoehorned way that it naturally occurs that I for some reason I'm traveling with you I was just going to say it would be an honor to travel with Patty and do a night thing I do want to say

I do my best work in Orlando. I agree. In general, it's because the reason why Chicago was tough was because it was hard to shoot because we couldn't do outdoor scenes. It was cold. It was very cold. And it was windy and cold,

and we were just indoors, and it just didn't feel fun. Too much light reflecting off that bean. Off that bean. The bean was... So, Patty, with that in mind, what's your dream location? In the United States,

I think California is just so diverse. The terrain. Even the hills where you can hike and it's like Puma country. It's scary. But it's like Puma country It's like scary Yes But it's just very beautiful Tall grass

Yes Like it's You could like Yeah I see a shot With someone running up a hill Yeah Yeah Yes

With their arms in that way Like a Like a Paulina Rubio Paulina Thank you Thank you Paulina Latin pop star

Somewhere she just shot up Out of bed I'm sure she's doing fine People fucking love her Paulina Charged Charged Guys listen we have a new segment to debut today

Come on this is a historic episode This is really going to be great because I know That what you all gag for And what you all wait for is i don't think so honey but the thing is we've given birth to a sister segment of i don't think so honey and it's called take it away bowen my perfect little doodah day yes now what we have people do this is a social segment we want you to submit to us your short description short of your perfect culture filled day and in your wildest dreams, what would you do?

Money is no object. Location is no object. You can fly anywhere and back within the day. And so we've gotten some great responses now. Now what we're going to do is we're going to read one, and then as a group with Patty, we're going to critique. Can I ask, just to clarify, what is a culture filled day well it can really mean anything if culture to you it's you know to little cindy loo who means being in whoville

then that means cindy loo who will want to go back to whoville yeah and then and then i hope she would you know yes of course i mean not be so incubated not be so incubated but i think cindy loo who of all people needs to needs to go to a college in a big city. I think Cindy Lou Who, right now, Cindy Lou Who... Study abroad. Yes. Cindy Lou Who has a high... is a very high-functioning executive in... Go to South by

Southwest. Yeah. There you go. She, I think, should... Her parents, who obviously are very wealthy... Yeah. I mean, Christine Baranski's your mom? She was the next-door neighborki's your mom no she was the next door neighbor oh i thought she was the mom wasn't she horny too she was so she was horny and rich and that was like the who that she was uh you're deformed she basically really wanted to fuck the grinch i think she actually probably like had something going on christine baranski

and the grinch yeah i thought she had something going on. Christine Baranski in The Grinch? Yeah, I think she had something going on. Guys, let's open this up to the listeners. If you think Christine Baranski's character in How the Grinch Stole Christmas... Had a little something going on. Fuck The Grinch, let us know. Do you think she was unrightfully unfucked? Do you think she should have gotten some dickies? I think that she has a debilitating Michael Fassbender-esque like sex addiction like in shame.

I didn't see shame. I think Christine Baranski in The Grinch is obsessed with sex. In a way that it's like a violence against herself. Yeah. Sure. She's succumbing to all. I think it's an illness. It's like hurts.

It's like chafey. Right. Yeah. It's like she shot those lights onto her house in that one scene and then she got behind the door and immediately started weeping and she watched porn oh i love it porn their nose it's the same but their noses are different exactly it's just sex with fucked up noses just as fucking yeah graphic i love it honestly thinking about those who's fucking has gotten me real excited to do this segment.

Oh, great. So, yes, we and culture is open to interpretation. Culture could be I sat on my deck and drank a peach tea. If you live in Georgia, that's culture. So it's really just the way you want to spend your life for the day. Culture is life. Culture is not just film. OK, for the basics out there.

Culture is not just movies and music Culture's not just Beyonce For you fucking basics Oh wow Matt is coming for the basics Drag them Coming for my listeners You fucking basics

So today's perfect little doodad day Comes from Jesse Jesse we love you so much Jesse And we're gonna Matt you take it away You read this Okay I would like to read this culture by Jesse

My perfect doodah day wake up to chance the rapper eat a bacon egg and cheese and catch up on tv big little lies girls new girl people should get back on it uh and then i'd probably walk around a cool neighborhood in nyc or explore brooklyn so much culture or see a bunch of movies back to back in the theater my night would probably consist of going to a lot of comedy shows till i wanted to barf and quit comedy forever wow that's from jesse so all right so right off the bat i'm gonna say this sounds like a great day sounds great yeah i would say um well what are your initial thoughts guys i want jesse to go to a waterfront I feel like that was

I was going to say waterpark In New York City though she's keeping it pretty local And I did say before that location is no object Like she could go No I think she should have gone to a waterpark here Sure I'm fine with If Jessie's not a fan of waterparks I would suggest she go to the waterfront

I think she needs to go to Splish Splash On Long Island You think so The way I would suggest you go to the waterfront. I think she needs to go to Splish Splash on Long Island. You think so? Yeah, I think the way I would critique this is she should do none of what she said. She should have woke up early. She should have. And she should have woken up to an alarm.

Not Chance the Rapper. No, don't listen to that. Get into the car. Don't listen to any music. Just on the way there, text your friend. Say, hey, meet me at Splish Splash, which is a water park on Long Island. Drive out, rent a car.

No context. Just at 9 a.m. in the morning, her friends get a text that says, meet me at Splish Splash. And they know where to go. And then they meet there. They do all the rides until the park closes. At the end of the day, they go right home and they're exhausted

because they had such a great time and they just go to bed could you imagine i think that's that's what i would have done for if i was jesse and that to me makes this a failure okay patty did you have something to say well first off i was gonna say going to a theme park and riding every single ride kind of sounds like it's you know having sex to the point where it's violence against yourself that's not true where it's just chafing it's just it's, you know, having sex to the point where it's violence against yourself. See, that's not true. Where it's just chafing. It's just, it's not fun to ride that many rides.

It is not that fun. It's jarring and your body hurts. I would say the one thing she should do when she wakes up is listen to Chance the Rapper. I disagree. I think that she should definitely listen to him. I think he's, you know, he's doing amazing stuff. He's unwrapped.

That is unheard of. He's unwrapped. That is unheard of. He's unwrapped? No label. He's no label. No, I mean, I think he probably has like an agent. Sure.

I misspoke. But he's spoken at length about how he refuses to release anything via label because they own all of the publishing rights and all of the, and royalties. But anyway, yes. Okay. Yeah.

I think that's the most cultured part of the day. And I think it goes downhill from there. I need new girl. Oh, Patty patty's although i will say something i watched new girl on a plane and then i watched another episode and another episode because guess what it made me laugh and you just said that you don't watch comedy i know maybe Maybe I'm basic. Basic. Patty, so it all goes downhill. Any recommendations, constructive recommendations on how to make it better? No, I hate giving

people advice. I don't want to ever say anything constructive. I just want people to feel the sting of my little venom. I'm a bitch. No i honestly i really like i feel like uh i've watched new girl uh so something that i think in terms of my opinions that i think frustrates uh people sometimes with me is that i think um there is this idea of uh you know someone being

a trans person in the queer community the media representation of a trans person is that naturally they're sassy or they're coarse because it's kind of it's kind of analogous to drag queens and it's that sass and that spark yeah i have very very neutral opinions about most things i am very uh reasonable and i don't have super strong opinions i do have strong opinions but i can also in a lot of in a lot of ways see like the the opposite sure and i and i always would say i guess i always would say, I guess, I always would say, I guess, I would say that because I don't like New Girl doesn't mean it sucks. I think it means that it's just not for me, but I can appreciate the fact that it is entertaining to a lot of people and a lot of people that I respect. On that note, I think starting my day with watching New Girl would be a nightmare. I would slit my arteries in the back of my legs. Yeah.

To surely die. Sounds like the recommendation is instead of watching. Just great. Chance the Rapper is a great start. But instead of the New Girl. Well, she also said Big Little Lies and Girls. So maybe after Big Little Lies and Girls, she wants something that she can mindlessly watch while she i don't know brushes her teeth or something is that she will i think new girl is a mindless watch and then girls might that big little lies it sounds

like there's nuance there so that might be more challenging sure i mean start with big little lies and girls and then end with slitting your knee um okay yeah that that sounds good and comedy shows she said to go yes she doesn't want to go and see Comedy shows so she doesn't see them anymore There you go We'll go see them until she barfs Until she barfs and wants to quit comedy So that

But that's her dream day That's her dream day but I think she wants to Come back in and Be excited about comedy and what she's doing You know what i'm saying maybe that's yeah i think i think famously is this true comedy shows earlier in the night are better and then as they get a little bit later they get a little bit wackier you know wait is this according to who this is just my just my assessment of like the theaters

i've been to and seen Like sometimes You sit for a show And like Often times The like Quote unquote Good shows Will be at like 8 and 9.30

And then 10 And then the shows That are on like 11 and 12 It's like people Maybe take them A little bit less seriously Because there's less people there

This is just You're talking about Programming theaters At theaters in general Yeah I'm just saying Like at that point it's like oh okay we're taking this a little bit less seriously now now i can barf i see that i think i think those slots you know if someone has like an 11 or later show they're probably like

there's not as many people coming this i can be more lax with my performance and my presentation and then it's it's so it uh you know becomes wackier or it's like if you get booked on a show at 4 p.m., you better bring your A game. Because it's very early in the day. Ellen will be there. Ellen will be there. It will be packed. She's going to bring Portia.

Ellen comes to shows. Ellen comes to shows. That's what I love about her. Ellen heckled me. What did she say? What did she say? I was, get this. I'm getting it.

I was on a showcase for one of the biggest networks on TV. Oh my God. You can't say what it is. Don't say it. I can't say what it is. Don't you dare. FX. It was FX.

It was the FX comedy showcase. Comedy showcase. It was at 1 PM at Muchmore's. Yes. I go up on stage. Rest in peace. And then Ellen. Oh no, no, no.

Ellen's sitting there. She's sitting there and fucking in her suit and her full erect penis is just out and she just says, I didn't come here to see some fucking tranny. And then she

threw a handful of Swedish fish and pelted me. Pelted you. She pelted me and was Ellen DeGeneres. This happened. This is real. And it was mortifying to me. She sounds like a humiliating person.

She called me a tronny. And then she was like, just so you know, it's T-R-O-H-N-N-I-E-I-G-H. Like Jennifer Jason Leigh. Like how she spells her name. She sounds disgusting she's a bad person

let's take let's boycott Ellen we are I've legitimately come for Ellen on this show no you have but we are going to I will

I want to transcribe that story word for word and I want it I will make it my cover photo yeah good just you watch I want people to know about this we're gonna print that on a t-shirt

we are we are you laugh but we are alright guys well you know what no recommendation We're going to print that on a t-shirt. We are. You laugh, but we are. All right, guys. Well, you know what? No recommendations. And then we're going to put your name on the end. So just good luck getting ever booked on Ellen.

You know what? But maybe 10 years from now, she'll book you. And then you'll have to just very charmingly explain what this was about. No, no. Okay. No, wait. It was funny because it was a joke and she slowly removes her 17 inch flaccid dick dick and says i remember you you tronny and then someone comes out in a bear

costume and scares you and then she she gets up and uh what that? Gets up and That's funny She's like dancing Wait that was my favorite part of the Oscars I'm just kidding I liked it though I liked that song All right Bowen Any more words of wisdom for Jessie here?

Who's giving us her Honestly that sounds like a good day A lax ass day What about a cool neighborhood in NYC And exploring Brooklyn? Sounds like a good day. Yes. A lax ass day. Lax ass day. What about a cool neighborhood in NYC and exploring Brooklyn? Yes. You explore the boutiques on Atlantic Avenue. My street.

She was vague here. Yeah. Give some specific things she should explore. I don't think she was being too vague. This is my only recommendation. I want her to go to Best Buy at Atlantic Terminal, buy a two terabyte hard drive, and I want her to back up every device she owns. Yes. Because you never know what's going to happen.

This is a good day now but the law of averages she's going to have a shitty fucking day where her laptop falls in a puddle. And also that mall has a cold stone. So you should go to Cold Stone. And that mall has an anti-an. And the sizes. And the sizes. Gotta have it. Love it. I always do a gotta have it.

You always gotta have it. No I always do a gotta have it You always gotta have it No I always do a gotta have it I always do the biggest Fucking one And you know what I mix What do you mix Cotton candy Ice cream

With strawberries And rainbow sprinkles Because I'm a Gay man Bitch Oh yeah And then you tip them You tip them and then they give you

I tip them and then they sing Hey y'all we got a tip And then they do this song Few times I got tipped like that But I never got tipped again Hey hey so I ain't got a tip in my jar Ain't got a tip in my jar Is that a real

Sounds very real I don't think so I think i made up that tune that's a good one they can use that for free i gotta i gotta be honest every time i've ever gone into a cold stone creamery and i ask for uh the ice cream of my choice uh which changes day to day so i'm not gonna say one okay don't get that i love mint chocolate chip okay so but anyways sometimes i go in um well i guess not sometimes every time i go in i say and they ask me for the size i say gotta have it do i gotta have it and then i kind of like look around and i say yeah i gotta have it and then they look at me

and they say does ell Ellen know about this? And she's behind you. Yeah. And so is the bear. And just resting her, she rests it and it hits the base of my neck. That's how big her flaccid cock is. And then one at a time, all the creamers go,

T-R-O-H-N-N-E-I-G-H. Tronny. Tronny. Tronny. Drop that Ellen stickny It's really visceral for me I love it Thank you Jesse I hope that you can now live a better day Okay and here we go And now I think it's time

Here we go for those of you who don't know I Don't Think So Honey is the cornerstone of our podcast This is where we each take one minute on the clock to rail against something in culture. And we have a very exciting announcement about I Don't Think So Honey. This is our first episode since we've announced. Oh my gosh, yeah.

And you know what? Patty Harrison is going to be involved. Patty Harrison. On March 21st at Littlefield, you guys, at 8 p.m., we have Las Culturistas Live, I Don't Think So Honey. We have 50 comedians That are going to be coming up

They're all going to take a minute to do a live I don't think so honey This is going to be so fun We have some amazing people booked for the event We're not going to name their names Because they may drop out I don't want to jinx it I don't want to jinx it

I just want to make sure that everyone like is there patty if you drop out we will send ellen i will send ellen okay but all right so we have amazing people seriously people from snl people from late night it's gonna be incredible it's gonna be very fun okay amazing here we go tonight show people target lady target lady's gonna be there um people people who fucking don't work at television shows who are just as good i don't know who these people think real target ladies i think people like snooty mean snooty mean we'll be there we'll be there yeah okay all right guys so i don't think so any i don't i kind of have something prepared what about you well then you should go first well i kind of do well i kind of don't at all Wine?

We're pouring Patty some more wine Yeah we've been drinking What? What the fuck? You sit where you are and you judge? I don't think that's very Jesus That's so Such a That's not very Jesus Such an incendiary

Drag from Matt I gotta say Matt is very vocal Very political these days That is a political statement Well you know what judge not Lest you be judged Okay here we go It's exhausting to think in these terms

But I do alright Bowen Yang's I Don't Think So Honey starts now I Don't Think So Honey gay shop keeps When I walk into their boutiques and they shoot me mean eyes because I'm wearing gym shorts. Bitch, I am a customer, a potential customer, until you shot me those that stupid fucking mean

mug. Honey, I was gonna buy it. Maybe a nice Stephen Allen shirt. How about that? Stephen Allen on Atlantic Avenue. I see you, bitch. Those shopkeeps wearing their fucking you know, tortoise shell glasses who think they're all all that honey no honey i don't think so honey i'm there to shop here whereas i'm there to try on your your fucking you know twill shirts and i was gonna buy one even though it's overpriced at like

150 dollars i was gonna i was gonna shell out that 150 for that twill shirt honey until until you you you shot your unshaven craven fucking face at me bitch i don't think so honey i will not give you my money and i will never give you my money i will be shopping at the muji at the uh everlane at the uni clothes honey of the world because those shop keeps are on my level and they treat me with respect that's's one minute. Wow. I gotta say, I love that you said shopkeeps. Shopkeeps. That's what they are, honey. If this were feudal fucking society, they would be nothing. They would be the rabble and I would go into their stores and I should be the ones shooting

mean looks. Wow. That's what I think. Rabble? The rabble. What is that? It's like riffraff. The riffraff.

The rabble. I remember I learned what that word meant. Rabble. The rabble. What is that? It's like riffraff. The riffraff. The rabble. I remember I learned what that word meant when Maleficent, Angelina Jolie as Maleficent was like, you invited everyone, even the rabble. She goes, well, that's a crazy fucking Maleficent impression. Even the rabble. See, my problem with Angelina Jolie is she's not sexy enough. You know what I mean? One of the ugliest women in the whole worldolie is she's not sexy enough you know what i mean one of the ugliest women she's just not sexy enough like for me it's like come on like do a little bit more

sexy for me every actress just do it a little bit more sexy you know what i mean if i'm a casting director in hollywood i'm just sitting behind my desk and i'm like come on do it more sexy okay all right so we're pat, do you mind if Matt goes? And then after you've seen two being done, you'll know. Now, I know a topic that I want, and who knows how it'll turn out. Okay, here we go. You know what? This is the beauty of I Don't Think So, Honey.

We were never fully prepared until we go. You're never fully dressed without a smile. And this is Matt Rogers' I Don't Think So, Honey. Time starts now. I Don't Think So, Honey, when servers and bartenders pour beer in a smaller glass just because of the kind of beer it is. Bitch, I want my beer in a fucking 16-ounce pint every time. I don't want to hear that you recommend a fucking Belgian pale ale and then I get it in a fucking scoop-dupe glass. I want my beer in a tall-ass glass.

I don't want to get a beer next to my friend, and all of a sudden, just because he gets a Stella, he gets to have a big ass beer, I want to have just as much volume in my glass as ever, and guess what, I don't know if you're trying to protect me, because I can handle myself, bitch, I've been 21 for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 years, coming in 3 days, yes, that's right, it's my birthday. All right. Well, guess what? If I wanted something in a small glass that was an alcoholic drink, I would have ordered a glass of Merlot, Cabernet, Rosé, any of the

whites. I would have ordered wine. I would have ordered a mixed drink if I wanted a small glass. Don't give me no cooler. Don't give me no scoop dupe. Give me a pint if I order a beer. I demand it. I don't think so, honey. All of you. And that's one minute. Matt Rogers coming for glass sizes.

Today, I had dinner with my parents, an early dinner. And they told me I needed to order this beer, this palm ale. Oh, that sounds lovely. And I said, that's amazing. What is that? They said it's a Belgian ale. It's amazing. And they gave it to me in this fucking little tumbler. Like like a little tumbler and i'm like what the hell no unacceptable i don't like that and especially especially during the christmas season honey well when you good thing it's the christmas

season no it's not but guess what this is when you really need to look out for it because that's when they get real crafty with the beers and so you want a chocolate beer you want a little bit of this a little bit of that guess what it's going to come in a fucking thimble yeah so just make sure that you know what you're ordering sure and ask the server is this going to come in a regular ass glass or am i going to get fucking two sips out of this thing i don't think the thimble is filled with a pine cone yeah or something for the flavor and i'm like you know what get out of get out of here i would really get into it i don't think the onus is on us as customers to ask about the sizes. That's just me.

It should be on them to choose the classes. Yeah. I mean, just let me know if I'm going to get like a little fucking cup of beer. Sure. What does onus mean? Like the responsibility. It's anus, but with an O? Sure.

Horny. The responsibility isn't on you to be like, I want this thing and this thing and this thing. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It just bothers me when I feel like I'm not getting what I paid for. There you go. And also, very commonly, those beers are like $12 each.

Oh, sure. The ones, the real craft ones. Overpriced. I'm looking at the straights. You know when you order a craft beer at a bar? They're nodding. Yeah. Okay.

Patty? Okay. Are you about ready for a one okay it might be it might be meeker it might be me but you know what you make it your own you make it your own okay we've had people on here that have been really meek okay okay whatever that means now this is patty harrison's i don't Think So Honey. Time starts now. Okay. People who undershare, especially when you ask someone what their weekend was like, and you come in, especially someone like me. I always lead strong. I lead vulnerable. I think the best way to have a good conversation is to really let yourself be open

and say something gross. I usually lead with something about my bowel movements. If I come back from a weekend, someone was like, how was your weekend? I was like, oh, it was was crazy i am not regular right now i i like i farted and shit came out and that's you know that's me being open with you and then when i ask you back you're just like oh um yeah it was fine i went to a bar and then you start to walk away with your tea and like no no no no no come back come back to me or if i say something like oh yeah i can't have uh i can't do butt sex for a while now because i got a rip because someone

put their wiener in too fast and you bleed and then and then you know i'm open with you and then someone is like oh well this weekend i i was gonna seek it out but i stayed in and i watched stranger things or some shit that is just rude to me and i that that's a full minute i don't i don't think so honey i don't feel like that i don't feel like that no you did it i didn't say a lot let me tell you something you didn't waste the opportunity not like the others because how do you know what you did you got real about vulnerability you got vulnerable you talked about your asshole rip. They're bleeding in the seat.

In the seat. That's sexy. In the seat right now. Look, I just want to say, Patty, I hope we did not fail that test because before we started rolling, Patty, Patty, Matt, and I were talking all about butt stuff. Butt stuff. In a real way. I think we got right on the same page. We were. We were all on the same page about butt stuff.

It is an art. It's a craft. It is truly a craft it's an it's it is a sport i will say because you have to exercise that muscle yes literally i'm actually now just getting into you know penetrating myself great see you guys um it's been an amazing episode um right is that all the time we have yeah that's all the time we have joe sadly nodded yes can we harmonize yes here we go amazing when you dream it can be so good when

you dream you can fly forever when you dream you dream with me. Oh, for the longest time. Oh, for the longest time.

I don't know the words. You guys, Patty Harrison came in here and slayed the gig. And you know what she is gonna be at last culture is this live i don't think it's haunting on march 21st at littlefield come at 8 p.m 50 community it's gonna be unbelievable um shoot us a get us a review on itunes you guys rate us review us on itunes we'd love that and look we fucking love patty fucking love patty where can where can people find you online? You know, seriously,.tv. That's the website that I work for.

We're on YouTube. We're on Twitter. You know, Twitter and Instagram. Party underscore Harderson. Party Harderson. As you'd imagine, it's spelled. I did not give that name to myself. It was Gavin.

Right, of course. Of course. Yeah, I'm just, yeah. Well, hell yeah. We love you. We love you. We thank you. I love you. Right, of course. Of course. Well, hell yeah. We love you. We love you. We thank you. Forever Dog, thank you guys. Thank you guys for listening. And Bowen, here we go, bitch. Here we go, bitch. Matt Rogers, bye.

Bye. Rook-a-coo. Rook-a-coo. Forever Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm. For more podcasts, please visit foreverdogproductions.com

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