Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - Stepmom Presents: The Husband Hunt – “ PURSUE” (Episode 2)

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

This is a Clown Parade Production:  Episode 2: PURSUE After we have picked our prized prey in episode 1, we need to know how to pursue it! We don’t want to spook them away, rather lure them to us. Known in wildlife as “aggressive mimicry”, acting as the prey’s prey is key. Stepmom will go over crucial pursuit tactics and of course answer your pressing questions!  Greta Titelman also hosts the podcast Senior Superlatives, you can watch her on the most recent season of Search Party and make sure to follow her @gertiebird!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Real Housewives of New York City are back for another bite of the Big Apple. Look who it is. Joined by elite new friends. Rebecca Minkoff. Have you ever heard of her? But things could change in a New York Minute. She had this wild night and ended up getting pregnant by some other guy. What?

You told her? Not today, Satan. Not today. The Real Housewives of New York City. All new Tuesdays at 9 on Bravo or stream it on City TV+. Oh hey, it's Teresa, back from the dead. Again. Just wanted to pop in and let you know that Haunting is back on October 22nd. Spooky season? I own spooky season.

We're serving up some killer stories, literally. And a few that might make you question whether you really locked the door before getting into bed. So cancel your lame Halloween plans. Haunted houses? Overdone. Candy corn? Honestly, who eats that? Your new tradition? Listening to me. Listen to Haunting starting on October 22nd on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All besties do, we navigate the highs and lows of life together. Big or small, we're there. And now here we are, opening up the friendship circle to you. Listen to Call It What It Is on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm NK, and this is Basket Case. What is wrong with me? A show about the ways that mental illness is shaped by not just biology. Swaps of different meds, but by culture and society. By looking closely at the conditions that cause mental distress, I find out why so many of us are struggling to feel sane, what we can do about it, and why we should care.

Oh, look at you giving me therapy, girl. Listen to Basket Case every Tuesday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Buongiorno, mi harlotas. That's Italiano for good morning, harlots. I learned that from my gorgeous horseback riding instructor, Giacomo, who would always let me ride bareback. Now, welcome to episode two of The Husband Hunt. It is I, your absolutely beautiful, bosomed, gorgeous, dipped-in-buttercream stepmother, here to give you the step-by-step guide for finding the husband that has enough guacamole, cake, coin, cabbage, that's right, moolah-lah, to fix your life and your face.

A few times. Now, if you finally screwed your head on right and are just joining us, I will be a generous bitch and briefly recap episode one, the very important first episode, Seek, where we go over the right environments to seek your prey, such as Michelin star restaurants, cigar bars, piano lounges, galas, plastic surgery conventions, the Monaco Grand Prix, and how to identify wealth, as it's more than just fancy watches and cars. It's also a healthy hairline.

So assuming you've heeded all of my advice from episode one and ditched that tragic old life of yours that was once wrapped up in synthetic fibers and disgusting v-necks from the gap. And once you've stopped purchasing all of your outfits from Zara and eating all of those burrito bowls from Chipotle, we can now move on to episode two. Pursue! burrito bowls from Chipotle, we can now move on to episode two, pursue. After we successfully seek our prey, identifying whom's the luckiest geriatric candidate is with the deepest pockets, it's time we pursue them. Once we know who they are, we have to keep track of where they are. Pursuing is an art after all, and we are going to be implementing the animalistic tactic known as aggressive mimicry. That's when you act as the prey's prey, when you blindside them by showing up in their environment or getting an invitation to join either way. You want them to think that they are feasting on you raw, cracking you wide open and licking you from twat to tit, when in reality you're eating them.

But they'll never suspect a thing. Pursuing is primal. It's all about the way we smell, eat, drink, think. All of it matters. So we, of course, must start with what not to do. Because I know a lot of you dildo heads out there are chomping at the bit to just talk, talk, talk, pursue, pursue, pursue after you feel you've done all the seeking. And I can't have you destroying our chances without the gate. Mother needs you to move out of the house ASAP. So just how seeking must look happenstance, pursuing must too. It must always feel like an accident or to put it more romantically, fate. When you have finally put yourself in that correct environment, it is time to make contact. And I mean official contact, such as introducing yourself and starting a proper conversation. I hope you little numbnuts know how to talk because sometimes when you talk to stepmother,

well, it sounds like your mouth is filled with barbels. Oh, and please bring Altoids along. That little crackerjack breath of yours, the stench practically permeates through my pores. So number one, do not act desperate. If anything, always act shocked. I don't care if you drove 13 hours to Sun Valley, Idaho to seek your prey in town for the billionaire summit. No one needs to know that you put effort into anything other than your outfit. You're seeking work. Congratulations. And now your pursuit must begin. And this, my dear listeners, where the fun

happens and no one likes desperation. Our introductions to our prey must be as non-predatory as possible. You don't want to scare them off by acting like an aggressive cow mooing all over the goddamn lawn, being so thirsty she's sucking down the goddamn watering hole. You want to lure them to you like the snake in the fucking Garden of Eden, the only good character in that book, in my opinion. Yes, that book I'm talking about, the Bible. You are the apple, the delicate little flower with no ulterior motive other than enjoying wherever it is you are. You mustn't act like you have to talk to someone. Rather, make them feel honored to be in your presence talking to you. So when they do approach, when the seeking has worked and the pursuit has begun, after you've batted your lashes or tastefully fondled that lychee in your mouth from your lychee martini,

you must stay calm and collected. Once they're lured to us, you must present as the gorgeous, exotic, expensive bird you are. Number two. Stop smelling cheap. You want them to take you seriously, and smelling cheap is for the mistress of the manor, and you want to be the matrona. That is once again Italian for matron. You can kiss that Paris Hilton scent you purchased in high school.

Goodbye! Ta-ta to that cucumber melon body splash. Au revoir to whatever mid-market scent you're traipsing your twat around in. I don't care if Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue is technically designer and your signature fragrance. It's time we smell rich. And I mean really rich. Educate yourself on the most opulent perfumes on the market. You want to smell like a living Jackie O, not Miss Jackie Ho. I do love a pun, and wasn't that one good? And if you can't afford

to go to the store and buy yourself that bottle of Byredo Mojave Ghost or something, oh, I don't know, Tom Ford Black Orchid, you can at least get yourself a fucking sample. Pheromones translate to sex, dear. Why do you think I rock your father's fucking tube socks off every single night? Do you know why? Because I smell like the oyster he wants to eat. That's right. He loves brine. Anyway, we want them to cream themselves just standing there smelling us. If you don't see a little puddle in their pants of either cum or pee, then you are not working

hard enough. A little pee at least means he's close to death. Now once we are in conversation, let them guide it. God, please stop acting like a know-it-all. I know you know your way around a target, but let them show you the way around their brain. It is important that you talk to them about whatever it is they want to talk about. Why, if they want to talk about their roast beef dinner not being soft enough for their fucking teeth and then gave them acid reflux and now they're switching from Prilosec to Prevacid, let them. You love pharmaceuticals, dear, especially when someone works in the industry. If they want to talk about how their ex-wife was a lifeless, unfunny cunt

who never let them buy that dream yacht or go heli-skiing, indulge! An adventurous man is always good because you can always take out life insurance policies. It is important to make our prey feel safe and seen and secure and that we are interested in everything they are. We don't want to let our little old opinions bleed through. No, no. We want to learn. And you must show them that you, you know, you appreciate them. These little skin puddles, these little aging men, they really get off on being teachers. They love to act wise and mighty. And you are going to do no such thing as dumb as stopping them.

Now, don't freak out. Of course, there are some people who love an opinionated gaping hole. But it's important to understand the terrain before we go plunging headfirst into what might be a shallow fucking pool. If you graduate from, say, standing at the bar or pool or lounge to sitting down and sharing a meal, do not be a picky eater.

These men want to see how you're going to fit into their world. So whatever they want to shove down their little giblet suckers, you're going to fit into their world. So whatever they want to shove down their little giblet suckers, you're going to too. I don't care if you're GF, DF, whatever the fuck. It's rude to turn down caviar, sour cream, and bellinis, dear. You are not a heathen. You only eat the finest things in life. And this is always a good test. If you're unsure as to what they're packing in that bank, it's always good to order the most expensive thing or five on the menu.

And when it comes time to talk about your measly little lackluster life, you don't want there to be any red flags on your end. Yep, that's right. No pets and potentially no family, as they can be a real sticks in the mud. So it might be important to put that little rotted fluff up for adoption and getting estranged. We don't want it to become logistically difficult to hop on someone's G5 down to St. Bart's now, do we? No. We, of course, put Toby up for adoption, and we no longer speak to our five siblings and our absolutely deranged parents, who we all know are coupon clippers. And finally, for what not to do. And this is very, very, very important that you listen. Do not bring friends as wing people. If you bring them, they have to be uglier and dumber than you, dear. And that is

just that. And I know you think that's cruel, but I don't make the rules. You are a diamond and everybody else is a semi-precious jewel. Or plastic, if you're smart. The Real Housewives of New York City are back for another bite of the Big Apple. Look who it is. Joined by elite new friends. Rebecca Minkoff. Have you ever heard of her? But things could change in a New York Minute.

She had this wild night and ended up getting pregnant by some other guy. What? You've told her? Not today, Satan, not today. The Real Housewives of New York City, all new Tuesdays at nine on Bravo or stream it on City TV+.

I felt too seen. Dragged. I'm NK, and this is Basket Case. So I basically had what back in the day they would call a nervous breakdown. I was crying and I was inconsolable. It was just very big, sudden swaps of different meds. What is wrong with me? Oh, look at you giving me therapy, girl.

Finally, a show for the mentally ill girlies. On Basket Case, I talk to people about what happens when what we call mental health is shaped by the conditions of the world we live in. Because if you haven't noticed, we are experiencing some kind of conditions that are pretty hard to live with. But if you haven't noticed, we are experiencing some kind of conditions that are pretty hard to live with. But if you struggle to cope, the society that created the conditions in the first place will tell you there's something wrong with you. And it will call you a basket case. Listen to Basket Case every Tuesday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, friends. I'm Jessica Capshaw. And this is Camilla Luddington. And we have a new podcast, Call It What It Is. You may know us from Graceland Memorial, but did you know that we are actually besties in real life? And as all besties do, we navigate the highs and lows of life together. And what does that look like? A thousand pep talks, a million I've got you's. Some very urgent I'm coming over's. Because, I don't know, let's face it, life can get even crazier than a season finale of Grey's Anatomy. And now here we are opening up the friendship

circle. To you. Someone's cheating? We've got you on that. In-laws are in-lying? Let's get into it. Toxic friendship? Air it out. We're on your side to help you with your concerns. Talk about ours and every once in a while bring on an awesome guest to get their take on the things that you bring us. While we may be unlicensed to advise, we're going to do it anyway. Listen to Call It

What It Is on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everybody, it's Matt Rogers. Back when I was a server, I was one bad day away from a huge personal crisis. Thankfully, Giving Kitchen is here to serve those that serve us. Giving Kitchen is a nonprofit helping any food service worker who gets hurt, gets sick, loses a family member or their housing.

That's giving relief. So when you or someone you know is in crisis, tell them to ask for help from Giving Kitchen by visiting givingkitchen.org slash help. That's givingkitchen.org slash H-E-L-P. Together, we are Giving Kitchen. We help food service workers. Let me tell you a time that I did the dumb, dumb thing

and brought a wingwoman who was not uglier and dumber than me. I brought my ex-friend, Kelly Chrysler Von Heaton, yes, of the Chrysler family, out to seek and pursue with me. Now, I knew this big kahuna I was seeking was going to be at a gala called Big Wigs for Bosses. Yes, the foundation that provides literal big wigs to bosses. Now, I bought two tickets with my hard-earned cash from suing a date for burning my labia.

He happened to wake up and had no idea. He finger-blasted me with hot sauce-filled hands and, well, you know, you can always settle when someone does damage. Anyway, I thought it would be a good idea if I brought Kelly along. After all, she was rich and looked it, and therefore made me look richer. She also had an eye for some of the finer details I was blind to at the time because, of course, she grew up with a Richie Rich. For example, she turned me on to the fact that some Richie Riches wear Merrills and Casio watches. Awful baggy shorts from REI and bucket hats. Oh, they even traipse around in free promotional t-shirts one might find from a

t-shirt cannon at a football game. She opened my eyes to the fact that some dirty, filthy white whales, aka trillionaires, like to live in their former skin as a way to camouflage themselves from hunters like me. But thanks to Kelly, no one could hide from us. Kelly, on the other hand, was 5'9 Princeton grad who looked like she was based off of an American Girl doll. Thick hair, green eyes, perfect little teardrop tits. Well, that night, Kelly came in and blindsided my dumbass and hunted my prey. I had finally lured Bartlett Tingle, a.k.a. Chip Tingle, the inventor of Fringle, over to the ice sculpture. The ice sculpture, which, by the way, was a huge wig.

I lured him away from his date because I had done my due diligence. I had sought him, clocked him, knew exactly where he was going to be, and this was my pursuit. And after I lured him away from his date, I accidentally got my finger stuck underneath this giant wig bust. Right when he came in and started to delicately defrost my finger with his, Kelly came up from behind and her expensive scent alone made him lose me. She was quick to point out the obvious, the obvious way that I could get unstuck, which was simply by removing my hand. And he was so taken with her in that moment that I lost him. So the lesson is, never bring a hunter who can out hunt you it's too risky and will happen why it

turns out kelly never gave a fuck about me she used me like i used her except she had better tactics she knew i was planning on going to the big wig gala to find my big wig pringle man himself chip tingle and once she knew i was seeking chip tingle once she knew i did all of the work to seek seek seek and she knew i was on the Cape. Well, of course, we must talk about what to do now that we know what not to do. When we pursue, it's important that we are pursuing with the personality that they want to be around. Now, I know I said don't be too opinionated,

but that doesn't mean don't have a point of view. Once you find out what kind of personality your Richie Rich likes, why mimic it? It's not that hard. Just act like the person they want to see. Remember, you are embodying a creation of their dreams. When you are pursuing, it is important to act like something they have never seen before. To act like the thing they have been dreaming of. The pursuit is all about fulfilling their wishes. Why they are finally figuring out that they could have it all. And that's right.

It's with little old you. So do understand the kind of personality type your little skin sack wants to deal with. For example, the manic pixie dream girl, always the popular one for the emotionally repressed billionaires out there. They love this type. They love having you around to insert life and joie de vivre within them and also deep, horrid emotional drama. Why, it's exciting for them. They get to feel like the hero in both scenarios. They also get to feel revived and young and fresh. Perhaps take a molly with them. Dance like, you know, a sexy little vixen in front of them and for them. Make them feel like they are the only person lucky enough in the world to be on the wild personality ride that is you. Go braless in a white t-shirt, wear little jean shorts, show them what it's like to be

a completely emotionally reckless person without ever divulging too many of your issues. Remember, being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl means that you're there to service them. By being wild and free, you are boosting them and their value. You're making them more interesting. You're making their life more enticing. Why, you being a freak, nasty little emotional whore could make their business ventures more exciting. You could be the life of the party on a business trip in Ibiza, and that's what he wants from you. He wants you to enhance him. Then, of course, the domineering bitch. It's always a suave Richie Rich that likes this,

like a George Clooney type. They want some smarty pants lawyer to march into their life and say, Jerry, I absolutely object. They want you to boss them around. While they're tired of being bosses in the boardroom, they want you to be their life boss. You march in in a wide leg pinstripe pants from some gorgeous Italian designer and you tell them how to run their life. They are not in charge when they leave the office. You are. You tell them where you're going to be having dates. You tell them where you're going to be having drinks. You tell them exactly what time you want to eat. You run that Rolodex. You run that calendar now. Oh, they don't want domineering? Why, a cute and quiet brainiac is always good for a fellow cute and quiet brainiac. Looking for a tech nerd to seek your little fangs into? Someone that you

can suck up a bunch of stocks in their publicly traded tech company. Why, they always like it when you're quiet, but you bubble up with some sort of kooky factoid about physics or, ooh, math. Be sure that you can quote Aristotle and Socrates and that you've done your spark noting of Stephen Hawking's writings and, course Infinite Jest and oh maybe the tipping point. These little brainiacs love someone that's quiet but then in the bedroom becomes an absolute vixen. They always love a little piss on their chest and a little shit on their floor. Never forget that. And if you need a little inspiration it's always helpful to look up that mousy little cunt Anna Kendrick. Now another personality type and the last personality type, not to get confused with the manic pixie dream girl,

is the independent free spirit. This is the personality type of a richy rich who wants to act not needed, but also wants to fund your entire life. The manic pixie dream girl, why they need the man. The independent free spirit, they don't need anyone. They just need you to watch them be on their massive four-wheeler in their camp at Burning Man. They want to wear goggles on their heads and hell, maybe they even have braces. Maybe they've gone and followed fish on tour for who knows how long.

The independent free spirit, why? They're covered in little tattoos, sort of markers of their past stories. Now, if you want to go full in, being the independent free spirit is an investment. It's important that you look the part because all of these oldies, typically men that have a panache for collecting records and of course, classic rock and love any kind of Americana will absolutely eat an indie free spirit up again. All of these personality types are enhancing their life in some way. Now do shop for the occasions. I know I say this in every episode, but it is so important when we're pursuing

that you really, really nail the look. We can always keep the tags on. Just make sure you aren't a sweaty glutton so the ink doesn't run. We want to look like we belong in whatever environment the pursuit takes us. While we're in Miami, of course we're in whatever environment the pursuit takes us. While we're in Miami, of course we're in Edito Silk Versace. Skiing in Aspen, obviously among Claire Onesie with a matching chinchilla hat. Don't know how to ski? No problem.

Just look like you do. Wear the goddamn boots in the lodge. Carry a fucking tennis racket. Think of this as Halloween, except you're the only trick in sight. Pursuing is simply convincing them that they need to have you around. A successful pursuit, and dear, you'll have them eating from the palm of your hand. Next thing you know, you'll be on decapture mode, but we won't cover that until episode three. Now, since all of you little freaks seem to have peanuts for brains, please remember that pursuing is delicate.

If they don't answer your call first thing in the morning, that's okay. In fact, don't even call them. Be confident enough in your pursuit that they will come running back to you. You never want to be overbearing. You never want to come off as, oh, needy. Save that for later, dear. For now, let the pursuit speak for itself. Why, you've had a great time. You've gone on great dates. You've gone on great dances. You've gone on great trips. Now it's time for Stepmother to answer your questions. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City are back. I love that.

I love that. Oh my gosh. Welcome. And last season's drama was just the tip of the iceberg. You're recording us? I am disgusted. Never in a million years after everything we've been through did I think that you would reach out to our sworn enemy. We were friends. How could you do this to me i don't trust her the real housewives of salt

lake city wednesdays at nine on bravo or stream it on city tv plus i felt too seen um dragged uh i'm nk and this is Basket Case. So I basically had what back in the day they would call a nervous breakdown. I was crying and I was inconsolable. It was just very big, sudden swaps of different meds. What is wrong with me? Oh, look at you giving me therapy, girl. Finally, a show for the mentally ill girlies. On Basket Case, I talk to people about what happens when what we call mental health is shaped by the conditions of the world we live in.

Because if you haven't noticed, we are experiencing some kind of conditions that are pretty hard to live with. But if you struggle to cope, the society that created the conditions in the first place will tell you there's something wrong with you. And it will call you a basket case. Listen to Basket Case every Tuesday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey friends, I'm Jessica Capshaw. And this is Camilla Luddington. And we have a new podcast, Call It What It Is. You may know us from Graceland Memorial, but did you know that we are

actually besties in real life? And as all besties do, we navigate the highs and lows of life together. And what does that look like? A thousand pep talks, a million I've got yous, some very urgent I'm coming numbers. Because I don't know, let's face it, life can get even crazier than a season finale of Grey's Anatomy. And now here we are opening up the friendship circle. To you. Someone's cheating. We've got you on that. In-laws are in-lying.

Let's get into it. Toxic friendship. Air it out. We're on your side to help you with your concerns. Talk about ours. And every once in a while, bring on an awesome guest to get their take on the things that you bring us. While we may be unlicensed to advise, we're going to do it anyway. Listen to Call It What It Is on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, everybody. It's Matt Rogers. Back when I was a server, I was one bad day away from a huge personal crisis. Thankfully, Giving Kitchen is here to serve those that serve us. Giving Kitchen is a nonprofit helping any food service worker who gets hurt, gets sick, loses a family member or their housing. That's giving relief. So when you or someone you know is in crisis, tell them to ask for help from Giving Kitchen by visiting givingkitchen.org

slash help. That's givingkitchen.org slash H-E-L-P. Together, we are Giving Kitchen. We help food service workers. Hi, Stepmom. So my now ex-boyfriend broke up with me saying that I was too mentally stable for him and that he cannot fix me and therefore he cannot love me, which is super toxic, but I'm still sad. So give me some advice. I want to know how I can get over this. I am already spending millions, but I need something stronger than that. Well, for starters, dear listener, thank you so much for calling in. Stepmommy is proud of you for spending millions. I would advise for you to go and spend billions. Of course, not of your own money, but of somebody else's.

It's quite a thrill. Now, some people are born perfect, and you do sound like you join me in the ranks as one of them. As it pertains to your rather deranged ex, I would suggest sending him a Lego set, something very complicated to build, as it appears that he needs something to transfix his time with and focus on fiddling with something else like plastic rather than your perfect brain. Now, there's nothing that a little trip and dip into the Aegean didn't fix for dear mummy. So I would advise you to take a trip on a yacht

and completely escape. Avoid reality. When things get tough, say no, not for me. You're too good to be wasting your time on being heartbroken, dear. When there's a whole entire world of magnificence and complete idiots waiting for you to take advantage of them so trot off now i want to see you at pasha in ibiza not pouring

your tears over some loser that should be better left locked in his room doing his legos hello so like i work like graveyard shift and like the mcdonald's doesn't open until 5 a.m. and my shift doesn't end until 4. Should I wait for McDonald's to open or should I just go to sleep? Wow, what a stunning question. Thank you for calling in. Now, let me teach you a little tip. It's called Postmates.

That's right. You don't wait for anything in this life. If there's one thing that I've taught you, you need to completely spoil yourself rotten. So the second you get off work, you run your ass home and you get into your most coziest, gorgeous, 100% silk pajamas into your sheets and you simply open up your phone and order McDonald's and pay someone else to bring it to you. There will be no waiting in the world of stepmother, and I don't want you to start waiting as well.

So no, don't wait. Have someone bring it to you. Hey, stepmom. So my dilemma is that I'm dating someone amazing. We're in a great relationship. Things are going super well. Very mature. We communicate better than i've ever

communicated with anyone in my life uh there's a lot of trust and respect there he's a wonderful person i have no reason to believe that anything bad is going to happen and yet i'm constantly thinking that something bad is going to happen. Like the relationship is just going to unravel or it's going to fizzle out or end really dramatically. And it's getting to the point where it's kind of like all I can think about when we're together. Like is he having a good time? Is this the beginning of the end? Even though there's nothing in reality that leads me to think this way. So basically I'm just really in my head acting psychotic, trying desperately not to let it affect my relationship. And I feel insane because there's nothing there to be worried about really. And we talk about it all the time and

he's very comforting and lovely. Um, there's just something in me that like still hasn't quite settled into the safety of this amazing relationship so i would love your advice thank you so much for listening um anything that you can share to help me just like calm the fuck down and enjoy this. It's so great. Thanks so much. Bye, Semo. Well, well, well, what a complicated question. For starters, snap the fuck out of it. If I were to drop this absolutely stunning ice cream sundae in front of your face,

would you just sit there and watch it melt? No, you'd pick up the spoon and devour it bit by bit, enjoying every bite as it slurps down your gorgeous hole. So that's what I need you to start doing in your relationship. Stop making up these false realities, dear, that he's not having fun with you. What you need to do is wake up in the morning, stare at yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself you deserve it.

Because when we feel deserving of all of the riches life has to offer, why then we start enjoying them. So please do me a fucking favor and start enjoying it. One more little measly ounce of time in that little head of yours and you're going to completely drive yourself up the goddamn wall. And it sounds like you already are. And there's nothing more unattractive than some stunning fellow future stepmother not fully indulging in what life has to offer. We're only here for a short time now, darling, and I would hate to see you let it go to waste. So get your head out of your fucking ass and start living in the reality that is your cozy little cashmere cable knit of a relationship. And remember, you're in control.

No one else but you. Hi, Steph. Kind of like fun, exciting question. So I'm in my early 20s. And because of a condition I had, I could not have penetrative sex. So quite recently, and I started someone and keeping maybe feel really comfortable and everything and so honestly I just started having penetrated sex uh but it's all very exciting and new and like I just wanted to like ask your advice on like you know how do you keep it like spiced up

in the bedroom favorite positions like you know like what should i be doing and all that jazz because i feel like you just know sexy time 100 um yeah thank you so much for taking the time to listen to this bye congratulations on finally being able to get penetrated that is so exciting for you and stepmother is proud now what i would suggest is figuring out what gets you off. I mean completely off. I mean to the point that you're squirting all over your room. The ceiling is soaking wet. Dildos, ding-dongs, ding-lings, vibrators, anal beads, anal plugs, anything you can stick in, stick out that you can clean, my dear, you should try it.

I highly suggest investing in a sex toy or 30 and figuring out what it is that will make you skyrocket to the moon and back so that once you have a partner that you want to prowl around the sheets with, you can absolutely blow your mind. We don't know what we want until we've figured it out for ourselves. So I suggest taking a deep dive into your clitoris and figuring out what exactly it is she wants, how she likes to be touched. And then once you're fully introduced to her, you can successfully introduce her to someone else. Now, in terms of stepmother dearest favorite positions, I do love a classic face down, ass up, doggy style. Call me a purebred Doberman, honey, because mother needs her back blown out.

And that is what I will get. I like to be plowed so hard, doggie, that my knees crack. Another classic position that I highly suggest is, of course, reverse cowgirl. This is always fun, too, if you have a vintage Versace chap to wear or potentially a gorgeous Chanel Western collection hat. Now, I would advise these positions do require some power. So please go to the Pilates class I signed you up for. Enough dilly-dallying and start getting that core in check. What a stunning episode that was. Thank you so much for all of your questions, for writing in and for

listening to your stepmother. Now, I hope that you will be joining us next week for episode three, as it is very important to the success of your future life. Now, will you please run to the store? Your father's balls are engorged from exploding too much in my mouth, and I need to pick up his medication to relieve his prostate. Ta-ta! own spooky season. We're serving up some killer stories, literally, and a few that might make you question whether you really locked the door before getting into bed. So cancel your lame Halloween plans. Haunted houses? Overdone. Candy corn? Honestly, who eats that? Your new tradition? Listening to me. Listen to Haunting starting on October 22nd on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, friends. I'm Jessica Capshaw. And this is Camilla Luddington. And we have a new podcast, Call It What It Is. You may know us from Graceland Memorial, but did you know that we are actually besties in real life? And as all besties do, we navigate the highs and lows of life together.

Big or small, we're there. And now here we are, opening up the friendship circle to you. Listen to Call It What It Is on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm NK, and this is Basket Case. What is wrong with me? A show about the ways that mental illness is shaped by not just biology. Swaps of different meds, but by culture and society.

By looking closely at the conditions that cause mental distress, I find out why so many of us are struggling to feel sane, what we can do about it, and why we should care. Oh, look at you giving me therapy, girl. Listen to Basket Case every Tuesday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey there, I'm Dr. Maya Shankar, and I'm a scientist who studies human behavior.

Many of us have experienced a moment in our lives that changes everything, that instantly divides our life into a before and an after. On my podcast, A Slight Change of Plans, I talk to people about navigating these moments. Their stories are full of candor and hard won wisdom. And you'll hear from scientists who teach us how we can be more resilient in the face

of change. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.