Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - Stepmom Presents: The Husband Hunt – “SEEK” (Episode 1)

Episode Date: June 29, 2022

This is a Clown Parade Production:  Episode 1: SEEK Welcome to The Husband Hunt with Stepmom! The first episode goes over the deeply important steps to finding our prized prey! Stepmom goes over everything from making sure we are in the right environment, spotting out prey and to making sure we have a gorgeous outfit on while doing it! Stepmom then answers some listener questions and gives her biting advice.  More episodes will be released on the Clown Parade podcast feed.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This fall on Bravo. It's time to turn up. Think you've seen it all? I don't think you've been a good friend to me lately. We're friends like that, who needs enemies? You ain't seen nothing yet. Cheers to being Germanic. With the Real Housewives of Potomac.

Oh my gosh, can I take this in? It's gonna be amazing. New York City. Everyone is a gossip. No one gets a happier life. Salt Lake City. We don't wear costumes, we wear fashion. And below deck sailing out.

You broke the rules and now you're here getting upset. Watch all new seasons on Bravo or stream it on City TV+. Let's have a real good time. I'm NK, and this is Basket Case. What is wrong with me? A show about the ways that mental illness is shaped by not just biology. Swaps of different meds. But by culture and society.

By looking closely at the conditions that cause mental distress, I find out why so many of us are struggling to feel sane, what we can do about it, and why we should care. Oh, look at you giving me therapy, girl. Listen to Basket Case every Tuesday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, friends. I'm Jessica Capshaw.

And this is Camilla Luddington. And we have a new podcast, Call It What It Is. You may know us from Graceland Memorial, but did you know that we are actually besties in real life? And as all besties do, we navigate the highs and lows of life together. Big or small, we're there. And now here we are, opening up the friendship circle to you. Listen to Call It What It Is on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey there, I'm Dr. Maya Shankar,

and I'm a scientist who studies human behavior. Many of us have experienced a moment in our lives that changes everything, that instantly divides our life into a before and an after. On my podcast, A Slight Change of Plans, I talk to people about navigating these moments. Their stories are full of candor and hard-won wisdom. And you'll hear from scientists who teach us how we can be more resilient in the face of change. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Yeah, come in. Hey, I think we have... What's the schedule? I'm sorry, my assistant's out sick. Oh, I think we're supposed to meet with Will and he's got... Oh, there he is. There he is, hi. Did you guys already start? I just, just walked in. Yeah, so you're not late.

Because I had five past two we were starting. Do you mind if we... It's fine. I was going to need one second to just kind of quickly align. Let me step out. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Step in. It's fine.

You're good. Let me step out. It's not a big deal. Guys, this is too much. Guys, I'll step out. I already popped open the sugar-free Red Bulls so that we could all sort of get started. Here, do you want one, Will? I would love one.

Okay, here. Here you go. So this is our big new endeavor, huh, do you want one, Will? I would love one. Okay, here. Here you go. So this is our big new endeavor, huh, boys? This is exciting. At least I'm excited. Well, I think I can speak for myself, but I'm excited too, Beau. I'm so excited mostly to kind of hear from you, Will,

like what these people are doing in this podcasting space. There are so many, so many new people here that I'm thrilled to lay down in front of you. Yeah, well, you seemed really excited all week, and we've been really looking forward to the meeting. And I just want to make sure that it's not ultimately going to be a waste of our time. You guys let me in the door because I know your time is important to you and super valuable. So I don't want to waste it. Well, you don't have to get on the actual floor.

You're supine on the floor right now talking to us. I think some people think better by walking around the room. I think I get more calm and I think better by lying down. So let him lie down then. Because you know who recorded her hub? I'll mind that. Who? Alicia Keys.

Is that real? No. All right. So what kind of, I guess, is this a podcast you want us to produce? This is going to be, what I want you guys to produce are multiple podcasts. It's one podcast. It's a podcast called Clown Parade, an anthological character piece carefully curated by culturistas.

Right. Like a series. And it's a series. And we have a number of very talented individuals who take it over and do their, it's their time to shine. I see. I like that. For this amazing audience we have out there. I'm intrigued so far.

Yeah. I'm intrigued so far. So you sort of want to use our celebrity. Yep. To skyrocket these new talents. Well, and I know that that's what you guys want to do as well. Absolutely to use our celebrity uh yep to skyrocket these well and and i know that that's what you guys want to do as well absolutely use our celebrity right pay it forward exactly as they said in the movie pay it forward starring the incredible helen hunt and hayley joel osmond And Haley Joel Osment. I never saw that. And don't forget. Don't forget.

Kevin Spacey. Hey, I see him on the list. We got to take him on. Okay. I don't want to produce this podcast. Will. Will. Will.

I did not. You know what? That was just a spitball idea. What is this? And you know what? Let's take that off. Kevin Spacey masterclass. No.

No, no. Don't read any further. Don't read any further. Oh, my God. Okay. You're already fluffing up. Okay, so who's the first person who's going to take over this? Clown Perrine, an anthological character piece carefully curated by Culturistas.

Yeah. It's a very talented young woman. Okay. Greta. Yes. Oh, Greta Teitelman. Yes. Yes, of course.

GT. She's actually, GT actually is a very close friend of ours. So excited to hear what she's cooking up. Yes. Oh, Greta Teitelman. Yes. Yes, of course. GT. She's actually, GT actually is a very close friend of ours. So excited to hear what she's cooking up. Yeah. It's called Stepmom Presents. Uh-huh. The Husband Hunt.

Ooh. Is a step-by-step guide to getting the life of your dreams the way Stepmom wants you to do it. As the saying goes, work is for people who don't know how to fish. Jesus said that. That was Jesus Christ and I believe 2

B.C. 2 B.C. Before Christ. And you guys know that Greta's a comedian, actress, writer. She's living in Los Angeles. Oh! Love that. So, which was such a coup to get someone from LA.

Yeah, well, Charity Coppy knows a lot about the biz. And you don't have enough people in podcasting who live in LA. You really don't. There's a huge deficit. Absolutely. It's mostly from Des Moines, Clearwater, Florida. Clearwater, Florida, huge podcasting city. Tulsa.

Yeah, like I said. Omaha. Omaha, thank Florida. Clearwater, Florida. Huge podcasting city. Tulsa. Yeah, like I said. Omaha. Omaha. Thank you. You're welcome. I think it says, okay, in your notes, you can currently watch Greta on the HBO series Los Espookys as US ambassador Melanie Gibbons.

And what else, Matt? I'm reading her. She was in Search Party. And you know, Greta's comedy can be seen on Comedy Central, Vice, and of course, Instagram. Of course. Of course. But now...

Clown Parade. An anthological character piece carefully curated by culturistas. I'm excited about this husband hunt. Is it going to be graphically violent? That's what I've been told. Okay, good. It's going to mostly feature graphic violence. I love that. That's what I've been told. Okay, good. It's going to mostly feature graphic violence. I love that.

That's very in. You know, on an auditory level, it's chilling. Oh, my gosh. I love it. The sounds of ripping flesh. Screams, gnashing teeth. Yes. Broken tibulas and fibulas.

Oh, my God. Crunching bones. Oh, my gosh. A lot of teeth extraction Yes No gauze No gauze On the extraction You normally have it

No gauze needed Will get up off the floor let's listen to this I think hey everyone Let's listen to this This is Stepmom Presents The Husband Hunt By Greta Teitelman. Is that rotting cabbage I smell?

Oh, no, it's you, my little twats and tweakers. Joining me, your stepmother, for the very first episode of Stepmother Presents The Husband Hunt. That's right, me, your gorgeous stepmother, found a warm spot in her incredibly generous heart to gift you, my fellow listeners, a guide to finding the husband that houses the keys to your dreams. The bag, the money, the loot, the grub, the grime, the gems, the gold, all of the gush in the world is waiting for you and it's simply not that hard, dear. And that's why I'm here to present to you

a step-by-step guide to getting the life of your dreams. After all, the saying goes, work is for people who don't know how to fish. And darling, we are in the deep sea. Now, if this is your first time ever being introduced to me, stepmom, I'll tell you a little bit about me. I am the one who haunts your dreams. I am the one you never want to come into your life.

Why? Because I will take everything from you and not bat a lash. I will come in, meet your father, snatch him right up in my very palm. And next thing you know, why, your inheritance, that car you love driving to work every day, your sweet, sweet childhood room suddenly cleared out. And now it's my aerobics room and oh yes, I'm going to be taking all of everything your dreams ever rested on. But don't worry, dearest, if you listen to this podcast, I'll teach you how to ensure the brightest, most bountiful future for yourself.

And you might be thinking, why stepmom, this seems awfully philanthropic of you to be doing something as kind as teaching your sinister ways, teaching the tricks of the trade to all of the trollops on the town. And I guess you could say I did feel a little like giving. You know, all of the greats always do, and why not me now here? I do believe in karma, even though she is a bitch. Now, let me tell you a little story from my past. A time long ago when I too was like you, an absolute nitwit stomping around in American apparel. When I was living my life off of the rack and nothing custom.

When I was being Lord knows embarrassing taking the subway and not a car service. It was back, back in the day when I thought I had it all by having a threesome with a skater and an artist. Two of the biggest offenses you can do. While we were out one night dancing, having fun. Partaking in a little MDMA, one might say, sipping on some vodka sodas from, you can only imagine, the well. The next thing you know, we decide to experiment because we're living in our youth bohemia,

blinded by the fact that it was a dead end. One thing leads to another. We have a threesome. On a mattress on a floor. Jersey-knit sheets. It's hot, sticky, stinky, and smelly. The sheets were brown. Who sleeps on brown sheets, you ask?

Why, the kind of person who doesn't have access to freté. So once we're done rolling around, I obviously didn't come. I say goodnight and wake up three days later with a bleeding snatch. That's right. A bleeding snatch that smells like rotted sulfur.

A bleeding snatch that is saying to me, Stepmother, this is not the life of your dreams. Stepmother, something is wrong. And what was wrong? I got the clap. That's right, Chlamydia. She attacked me because I was making foolish mistakes, trolloping my little twat all around the square,

saying, oh, it's no big deal. I'll just sleep with this wannabe Basquiat. Oh, it's no big deal. I'll just sleep with this wannabe bosskiot. Oh, it's no big deal. I'll just sleep with this wannabe Tony Hawk. Well, it turns out neither of them had any money, so there was no collateral to be collected. If you're going to be messing with someone that can give you such a thing, at least get money for it, dear. And that's when I swore to myself, I swore there was a bigger and brighter future out there for me. Even if it involved me riding someone so hard I could hear their arthritic bones snap underneath me. It was a price I was willing to pay to never get plowed by a hot young thing with the clap ever again.

Knowing full well that one day, with the amount of money I will collect from riding someone until they die, that I could just pay my future skater boyfriend to clean himself up. So, take it from me. Everyone in your life, as you know it, has got to go. Ciao, sayonara, goodbye. It's time to move on. And if they get mad at you, if they get sad that you're leaving them, well, they'll most certainly be happy when 10 years from now, they can leech off of you at your compound in Malibu. This very first episode, as we are tigers in the jungle, is about seeking. It's about finding our prized, prized prey. Finding the prey that will soon become ours to keep forever and all of their bank accounts too. So let's start with what not to do. As I know all of you are out there living absolutely pathetic little wastes of life,

wasting your time working jobs, dating people that probably smell like patchouli. So I am here to lay it out for you stupid, stupid, stupid people as easily as I can. Now, to start, you need to stop sleeping with people your own age. That's right. Chances are they make just as much money as you do. And chances are they're just as lost and confused as you are. Chances are they probably think the future holds something big and bright for them when in fact it doesn't. So you need to start getting your life together and wrapping your head around the fact that you are going to be staring at a pair of old dangling papaya balls until the day he croaks, which is hopefully sooner than later.

You also need to stop splitting the bill. Now, nothing irks me more than when I see young hot foxes out on dates with prized packages saying, oh, let's split it. No, you will not be spending any of your coin in this seek, my dear. You must stop going to the wrong environment. That is our biggest lesson number one. When seeking, we would never hunt a tiger in the ocean, now would we? Nay, nay.

So all of those little cool kid hangouts you've so enjoyed going to in your post-grad years from NYU, you can stop attending now. No need to go to Sophie's Bar on the Lower East Side. No need to be going anyplace offering you a shot and a beer combo. From now on, everything will be 50 plus. That is the crowd that we can get into. That is the crowd that we can manipulate. That, my dear sweet listeners, is where we are going to see. No more getting dickmatized by some Pete Davidson wannabe, because you want to know why? They're not Pete Davidson, darling dearest, and even though they're covered head to toe in absolutely disturbed Calvin and Hobbes tattoos, or whatever the fuck it may be,

chances are the only way they're getting around town is on two wheels not connected to a luxury vehicle. Now you need to stop letting these lanky little skater fucks wheel their way into your heart. I don't care if he's 120 with a dick that's 19,000 inches long. The only thing that would make me care about that if he was 120 years old. Now, the only acceptable member of a band moving forward is Mick Jagger. None of this, oh, he's in the second coming

of the Strokes nonsense. Any musician, we all know it's just a life of a tour bus, dear. Now, do you think that tour bus is going to pay for your shopping spree at Chopard? I think not. That gets me to artists, generally speaking. They've all got to go. Stop trying to live your godforsaken Patti Smith fantasy.

It is not 1960. You are not Andy Warhol. You are not a muse. You are living in 2021 fucking some guy wearing god knows what from who knows where. That is not what we want for our futures. Vegans. They are absolutely the worst. Now you're thinking, oh stepmother, is it because they don't eat meat? That they're not carnivorous little whores like yourself? No, frankly, I don't give a fuck who eats what As long as they're eating my ass But I will say, vegans always tend to have morals and lean socialist

So you must know that your future will not be bright in bubbling coin. Now, a big excuse that I hear from time to time is, oh, but they've got potential. Oh, this skater that I met in Tompkins Square Park has potential. Oh, this artist in Omaha has potential. Oh, my boyfriend working a mediocre job at H&R Block has potential. Well, you know what? I don't like potential. The only potential I want is a potential that you're going to die after we have signed the marriage papers, darling. The only kind of

potential is the potential for me to absolutely gain every single ounce of your net worth after you have officially croaked at the table. I know that you're thinking, wow, this is awfully harsh. I don't think I can get comfortable with the fact that money and this stunning future of my dreams is evil. Well, welcome to wearing your big girl pants. These decisions are hard, but if you want to have a life that isn't hard, you can start by toning down your morality. Now you're wondering, well, stepmother, this sounds so hard. I'm so overwhelmed. You want me to leave my community, leave my friends, try and force myself to be attracted to these old archaic pieces of meat. How do I do that? Where do I start if I'm not hanging out at my dive bars, if I'm not going

to the house parties, if I'm not sleeping with someone who has four roommates? Stepmother, where do I go? Well, that brings us to what to do, where to go, where to seek the prey we want to catch. Now that we've broken those nasty little habits, we need to cultivate and create new ones that are going to lead to good gains and potential suitors. So, the first and foremost step is making sure we are in the right place at the right time. You need to be going to correct events and venues as this is crucial. You also must learn how to spot the man that is loaded, hopefully more than just his bank account and what to wear while doing it. We can start easy. A NASCAR event, say. Or if you're lucky and you're listening to this in Europe, the Monaco Grand Prix. These events are great for meeting oil tycoons or CEOs of another evil company. And I know that you say, well, I don't want them to be evil. Grand Prix is that people go there to flaunt. So it's very easy to spy with your little eye a gold Rolex Daytona or a vintage Breitling. Or, ooh, is that a Maserati I spy? Men like to be flashy there.

And you'd need to be a complete dodo head to not be able to clock them. Why, they're everywhere. Oh, what is that you see? A Gucci loafer and a man with a cane? You better pounce on that like Tony the Tiger in the goddamn morning. But I don't want to pay for tickets to go to a NASCAR race. I don't want to pay to go to the Monaco Grand Prix. Fine. There are always events we can go to for free and not attend ourselves, such as, but not limited to, a plastic surgery convention.

Why, these events happen in gorgeous towns such as Scottsdale, Arizona, La Jolla, San Diego, California, even my shining star, Las fucking Vegas. You don't need to attend the convention. Why, you can simply find out what hotels are housing them. Oh, is the Aria in Vegas housing a brand new plastic surgery convention for a whole new type of breast augmentation? Do you happen to be there for one night only, alone, looking for someone to split a gorgeous steak with? The plastic surgery conventions are harder to spot a real richy rich, but know that for the most part, if they looked, taught, and tweaked themselves, they probably want to taught and tweak you, and they probably have the money to spend to do it. It's important to remember that

warm weather destinations is also ample time for you to show your natural beauty. Show that body, show that ass. Show them what they're missing. Flaunt it in front of their face till they are drooling on their little feet and come begging for it. Oh, you're too scared to approach someone? Bump into them. You see an old, old man alone on an elevator carrying a briefcase with a stethoscope around his neck? Just tell them you feel faint and you need them to check you out. It's a perfect intro. Doctors are always good to tell as old as time, really.

And chances are a doctor at a plastic surgery convention is in it to make money, dear. They're not saving the kids. Oh, galas. Another excellent event. Always where rich people go with guilt when they want to feel philanthropic themselves. An event to attend to flaunt 30, 40, 50, 100K towards some god-awful donation. Ooh, save the elephants, save the sharks.

The earth is on fire. A perfect place to find a man with completely liquid income to flaunt about. Find the highest bidder and you've found your guy. They're there with a date. Track them alone, write down their name. And next thing you know, oh, is that you I see at the golf club? Is that you I'm running into at the deli? Why, I had no idea you'd be here.

Pro tip, always make sure you do your due diligence on all of these catches. You never want to write down a name that potentially is getting indicted. You never want to write down a name that is potentially in debt. You never want to write down a name of someone who has filed for bankruptcy. You only want it to be clean. A clean catch is what we're after. You also want to make sure that they potentially have a few offshore accounts. And it's important you get access to those.

But that is something we'll cover in the future. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City are back. I love that. Oh my gosh. Welcome. And last season's drama was just the tip of the iceberg. You're recording us? I am disgusted.

Never in a million years after everything we've been through did I think that you would reach out to our sworn enemy. We were friends. How could you do this to me? I don't trust her. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Wednesdays at 9 on Bravo, or stream it on City TV+. Hey, friends.

I'm Jessica Capshaw. And this is Camilla Luddington. And we have a new podcast, Call It What It Is. You may know us from Graceland Memorial, but did you know that we are actually besties in real life? And as all besties do, we navigate the highs and lows of life together. And what does that look like? A thousand pep talks. A million I've got yous.

Some very urgent I'm coming numbers. Because, I don't know, let's face it, life can get even crazier than a season finale of Grey's Anatomy. And now here we are, opening up the friendship circle. To you. Someone's cheating?

We've got you on that. In-laws are in-lying? Let's get into it. Toxic friendship? Air it out. To you. We've got you on that. Let's get into it. Air it out. We're on your side to help you with your concerns. Talk about ours. And every once in a while, bring on an awesome guest to get their take on the things that you bring us. While we may be unlicensed to advise, we're going to do it anyway.

Listen to Call It What It Is on the iHeartRadio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts i fell to a scene um dragged uh i'm nk and this is basket case so i basically had what back in the day they would call a nervous breakdown. I was crying and I was inconsolable. It was just very big, sudden swaps of different meds. What is wrong with me? Oh, look at you giving me therapy, girl. Finally, a show for the mentally ill girlies. On Basket Case, I talk to people about what happens when what we call mental health is shaped by the conditions of the world we live in. Because if you haven't noticed, we are experiencing some kind of conditions that are pretty hard to live with.

But if you struggle to cope, the society that created the conditions in the first place will tell you there's something wrong with you. And it will call you a basket case. Listen to Basket Case every Tuesday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey there, my little creeps. It's your favorite ghost host, Teresa. And guess what? Haunting is back, dropping October 22nd, just in time for spooky season. Now I know you've probably been wandering the mortal plane, wondering when I'd be back to fill your ears

with deliciously unsettling stories. Well, wonder no more. Because we've got a ghoulishly good lineup ready for you. Let's just say things get a bit extra. We're talking spirits, demons, and the kind of supernatural chaos that'll make your Halloween season

complete. You know how much I love this time of year. It's the one time I'm actually on trend. So grab your pumpkin spice, dust off that Ouija board, just don't call me unless it's urgent, and tune in for new episodes every week. Remember, October 22nd, the veils are thin, the stories are spooky, and your favorite ghost host is back and badder than ever. Listen to Haunting starting on October 22nd on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Now that we've discussed in full where to seek, where to hunt, where to find your prey, it's time that I take some of your questions that I know you've been dying to ask, dear old step-mommy. Hi, this is Eric, 24, from Germany.

Since the pandemic, I'm having a really hard time committing to anything. I don't want a boyfriend or a steady job or even a long-term apartment. Anything that ties me down feels wrong. And now I'm wondering if I'm just valuing my freedom a lot after being locked in for so long or whether I'm just scared of commitment. Maybe my question is, how do I get everything I want without committing to anything? Does that make sense?

Well, hello, Avita Zain from Germany. How do I get everything while committing to nothing? Well, aren't you just a king after my own heart? The only thing you need to be committing yourself to is securing the bag. You need to commit to yourself that the only job you're going to have is spending every waking moment of every waking day finding someone that you can take complete advantage of. That way, guess what? You'll never have to commit to a nine to five in your life. You'll have all the freedom in the world, not paying for any of it yourself. You'll be able to jet off to

Ibiza, hop on the boat to the Seychelles. You'll be able to take a romp in New York City, a ski in Aspen, a trip to Hawaii. You'll be able to go to Iceland and visit Bjork if you find someone rich enough. Just commit to yourself the life that you deserve. A life filled with never-ending fountains of funds. And I know you can do it, darling dear. Why, there are a lot of richy-riches out in Germany, and if you just get to trotting along, I'm sure you can find one who will only make you commit to them for a short time. That is, until you take

everything from them. Godspeed, dear, and listen to stepmommy. Stepmom, my best friend and I are both about to turn 30. We'd love your advice, do's and don'ts, life lessons. We're here for it all. Please advise and thank you. Well, first and foremost, never tell anyone you're about to turn 30. Jesus Christ, it's like I need to start at the very first lesson with you people. As far as you're concerned, you will be forever and always 27 years old. I don't care if you're 55 and your marionette lines are cracking off of your godforsaken face. You will always be 27. You will always be just out of college adjusting to your adult life. You will always be young and carefree. And if anybody asks, quite frankly, dear, it's none of their business.

So for starters, you and your friend aren't turning 30. You and your friend are turning 27 again. Now, what you and your friends must do is kiss goodbye that old trollopy life you were living before. Now you're entering a new time, a new era, a new phase. You deserve nothing but the best the world has to offer. You deserve that $280 T-bone steak drenched in gold. You deserve that pair of Manolos you've been dying for ever since you watched Sex and the City for the first time. You deserve whatever god-awful, opulent thing your heart desires, and the only way that you're going to get that is by meeting someone that can offer it to you. What I would suggest is going through your Rolodex of high school friends, finding someone

who you know is richy rich and hopefully their father is still around and marrying them. Why, it's not that hard, dear. A few years back at home, rekindling old romance with a high school friend's daddy isn't the worst it could be. It's always a good place to start, especially now that we're aging. Now, if that seems a bit too uncomfortable, I would advise you to start wearing more sunscreen. God, I mean, those melasma marks are just getting out of control. And oh, please, please, please. That shirt is just, when is that from? 2006? You need to revamp your wardrobe, darling, and please stop eating so much pork.

You're starting to smell like brine. Does V8 really clear you out? Here's a little secret from stepmom. You want to really get cleared out for a night of a proper fuckage? Wake up in the morning and don't even think about touching a glass of water. You pound a black coffee and then you pound a V8. You strap on your little Chanel running shoes and you take yourself for a sprint around the block. That's right, full speed sprint. If you don't come back and spray like a fucking geyser,

then I don't know what will help. But I promise you, I promise you, that is the stepmom douche. Hey, stepmom. I'm just wondering if you have any tips on looking your best when you have a little seven-month-old running around. How do you do, doll mommy? Oh, a gorgeous mother. You have to love a breeder from time to time now, don't you?

Now, one thing that I was always envious of of my breeder friends were their gorgeous, milking, luscious breasts. I would suggest squishing those things together in a stunning La Perla bra and trotting them around town for everyone to see. Remember, you have gorgeous, gorgeous jugs simply dangling off your body, waiting to become your chest butt. Now, dear, if you're feeling insecure about your body, please don't. I want you to roll in the sheets with yourself. Remember what makes you tick. Remember that the whole world wants to be fucking you, but only you are going to be fucking yourself tonight. So when you put that little baby down for nap time,

or when you do what my mother did, sit me in front of the television in front of a Jane Fonda workout tape, take some time to make yourself moan. That's right. Take some time to get back in touch with your vagina, dear. Remember, it doesn't just have to crack open for the child. It can also split open for the gods of cum.

So, I will remind you that you are absolutely stunning. And the whole world can't wait for you to remember that. Hey girl, how do I choose between either dating an attorney or a pretty put together kind of legal drug dealer? A classic conundrum really. Now I want you to do something that not all of us do and actually take a moment to consider the assets here. What are they each making annually? A semi-legal drug dealer could be racking in a lot, but I would suggest you to run for the hills if it is not an organic drug, such as marijuana or potentially psilocybin mushrooms. Anything else will simply implicate you and potentially send you to jail for a long time. And well, we don't want that. So I need you to consider how legal it is exactly. Now,

both have the opportunity for a lot of financial gain. And in some ways, drugs have more of that than being an attorney. What kind of attorney is he? If he's doing something so stupid as representing, I don't know, the public, then maybe the drug dealer is better. But if he is smart and representing, of course, completely corrupt companies and people, then you have a shot of living the life of luxury. I know it is you're seeking. Now, please be cautious in this drug dealer world. I would hate to see you get swept up on a stunning sailboat trafficking some gorgeous, gorgeous drugs from, I don't know, Portugal to St. Barts. That would be a true shame. Oh, I do applaud you, though, on your taste in men.

It sounds like you really know what you're doing and not fucking around. Well, what a gorgeous episode of Stepmom it was today. I hope you enjoyed episode one of The Husband Hunt. I hope that you'll remember that now's the time we start to seek. Now is the time we go out into the wild and try and find our precious prey. Now is the time we break those nasty old habits, such as sleeping around with you-know-who and you-know-where. Now is the time we say goodbye to all of that shitty fabric

and all of those stinky apartments and hello to places like the Carlisle and the Upper East Side. Now is the time you get comfortable with the fact that maybe your future isn't in Greenwich Village, but in Greenwich, Connecticut. Maybe now is the time we go out of our comfort zones and start attending events for big people, adults. When we seek, when we go out into the field,

when we go hunting, we must be prepared to turn into a kind of animal we are not comfortable with yet. I promise you, dears, it's worth it. Once you adjust, once you see, you'll see all of the wealth around you that's just waiting for you to come in and grab. It's right there in front of you, dear. Don't be a fool. Until next time, it's me, your stepmother, and this has been The Husband Home. the husband home. And as all besties do, we navigate the highs and lows of life together.

Big or small, we're there. And now here we are, opening up the friendship circle to you. Listen to Call It What It Is on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm NK, and this is Basket Case. What is wrong with me? A show about the ways that mental illness is shaped by not just biology, swaps of different meds, but by culture and society. By looking closely at the conditions that cause mental distress, I find out why so many of us are struggling to feel sane, what we can do about it, and why we should care. Oh, look at you giving me therapy, girl.

Listen to Basket Case every Tuesday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On my podcast, A Slight Change of Plans, I talk to people about navigating these moments. Their stories are full of candor and hard-won wisdom. And you'll hear from scientists who teach us how we can be more resilient in the face of change. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Again. Just wanted to pop in and let you know that Haunting is back on October 22nd. Spooky season? I own spooky season. We're serving up some killer stories, literally, and a few that might make you question whether you really locked the door before getting into bed. So cancel your lame Halloween plans.

Haunted houses? Overdone. Candy corn? Honestly, who eats that? Your new tradition? Listening to me. Listen to Haunting starting on October 22nd on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.