Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - “The Healin’ Titty” (w/ Michelle Buteau)

Episode Date: August 31, 2017

God have MERCY, this ep is TOO good!! Living legend Michelle Buteau descends upon Las Culturistas Tower to talk Taylor, Gaga, and Bowen’s vicious illness. Rule Number 98 of Culture: "Madonna In Evita...Okaayy." Now honey, you MUST rate 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and you MUST write an award-winning review.LAS CULTURISTAS HAS A PATREON! For $5/month, you get exclusive access to WEEKLY Patreon-ONLY Las Culturistas content!!https://www.patreon.com/lasculturistasCONNECT W/ LAS CULTURISTAS ON FACEBOOK & TWITTER for the best in "I Don't Think So, Honey" action, updates on live shows, conversations with the Las Culturistas community, and behind-the scenes photos/videos:www.facebook.com/lasculturistastwitter.com/lasculturistasLAS CULTURISTAS IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttp://foreverdogproductions.com/fdpn/podcasts/las-culturistas/ Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Real Housewives of New York City are back for another bite of the Big Apple. Look who it is. Joined by elite new friends. Rebecca Minkoff. Have you ever heard of her? But things could change in a New York Minute. She had this wild night and ended up getting pregnant by some other guy. What?

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Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy, Elianian Gonzalez was found off the coast of Florida. And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba? Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home, and he wanted to take his son with him. Or stay with his relatives in Miami? Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Julian Edelman.

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And the Facebook. Well, if you're not already following Facebook, I don't know what to do with you. Very good point. Now, please enjoy the amazing Michelle Buteau! And let me tell you something. I'm going to have to do a lot of the heavy lifting on this episode. Yes.

Because my breasts next to me, my right breast is sagging, honey. I am sagging. He's not feeling good. I am sagging. I am depleted. I'm sick. He's not feeling good. I am sagging. I am depleted. My glands are shot. No.

What is wrong? Here's the deal. I mean, Matt was deathly ill last week. Deathly. And then it just, you know, succession, succession transference, whatever. And then now here I am. You just don't feel good. I told you today. You've got the aches, the shakes, the fevers, and the quakes.

And this is kind of insensitive, but I told you today over Facebook chat, I was like, I'm full season five Izzy Stevens on Grey's Anatomy. And I love it. He said, I have a head wrap. I have a head wrap. And I literally was like, what? And I literally pictured you at home with the Izzy Stevens head wrap, which honestly, in my mind's eye, looked pretty fierce.

She rocked it. Oh, my God. We have such a good guest. We certainly do. She's bringing me to life. And we went to the same concert. Not on the same night, but she's giving me the same strength that this songstress did. Let's go through the credits.

Okay, let's go through the credits. So first of all, you got to listen to the album, which I actually listened to today for the second or third time. Now this is actually, this is the album is called Shut Up. I listened to it on day fucking one when it came out. And I was like, oh! Yeah, come on. You're one of our favorites.

And you haven't since the jump. You can see her in the, this is going to be very cool, upcoming FX show. And there was a bidding war for this show, you guys. And it's called Singularity. I had to be real mask in my audition for that. Same. They asked me to be like Masky Nerd.

And guess who didn't book? Us. Us, bitch. They were like, okay, be like more of like a Seth Rogen. I mean, he's a little. Right, right, right. Be more of a Seth Rogen. I was like, ooh, that's a stretch.

Well, you know they went with Damon Wayans instead. Oh, that's great. I'm constantly losing out to roles to Damon Wayans. You can see her right now on The Tick on Amazon. Yes. Nice. And then you can also see her in the upcoming film with Bowen Yang

called Isn't It Romantic? My Three Best Friends, Michelle Buteau, Bowen Yang, and Rebel Wilson and Brandon Scott Jones for it. I love that cast.

And also, Bowen says Priyanka Chopra is prettier in person. It's true. I thought that was Gal Gadot for like 20 minutes. At the fucking table. Yeah, I was like,

look at that brown girl, Gal Gadot. Come on, bro. I had no idea. Didn't she look amazing? She looked amazing, but I was like, do you know how to read? She kept missing her line. I was like, come on, girl. I know you are better than this.

But she was living for Brandon Pacho, and she was like cackling at his general direction. Oh, is that the gay guy? Yeah. Yeah. Them jokes. Them jokes. Do you remember? I looked at him one time.

First of all, I love table reads for the food. I bring Tupperware. Oh, my God. Y'all ain't going to eat all these fucking finger sandwiches. They had sushi. They had a lot of sushi at this point. It was too much sushi. It was very big.

You can't fit it in your mouth. Wait. First of all, this is our guest, Michelle Buteau. If you didn't know, now you know. Oh, my God. It's the Buteau. Oh, my tit just hit the microphone. Whoops.

Whoops. Healing titties. Yes. Healing brown titties for boot out. Oh, my tit just hit the microphone. Whoops. Healing titties. Yes, healing brown titties for everybody. I'm going to lay some tit on you. Thank you. Lay some tit on you. Now listen, we really do believe that positive energy heals. So this is a positive energy.

I'm feeling really good about it. The tit? The tit. The energy. The film. It's more like sarcastic energy, but yes, it's still healing. No. No, this is the most engaged I've been all day.

I went into work because I took two days off already, and I presented, and I was just like a fucking mess. And then I went home. I hate work. I felt fucking... I went home. What's work? What's work?

I took a two-hour nap, and then I woke up, and my body was a wreck again. No. And then I came straight here. Yeah, no. I mean, whatever I'm coming woke up, and my body was a wreck again. No. And then I came straight here. Yeah, no. I mean, whatever I'm coming out of and you have now is a real beast. Fuck, is this going to be like this movie with Denzel Washington where the beast comes into me? What is this? Oh, Jesus, Lord.

What is this? Well, so I can tell you that there's a lot of movies sometimes that come around, and there's those contagion movies about like a rapid disease. And there's nothing more terrifying than that. Trust, because you think terrifying than that. Trust, because you think it could happen. Oh, it absolutely 100% could.

We ride the subway, so. Yeah, no. That whole, in contagion, that whole thing started because Gwyneth Paltrow

fucking give a butterfly kiss to her Chinese business associate. I thought she sucked somebody's dick. You know what? I gotta watch that movie. I think it was a reveal at the end

that she was sucking strange dick. Yeah, right? She was cheating. cheating she was cheating close your legs to marry or else the world dies yes don't come for me unless that's up for you so hold up getting back to these gay jokes yeah like this is oh this is the one like usually i like to i have to like look at the script because I hate like not knowing and shit. But this one dude, he had this joke where he's like, no, no. I think Rebel was just like, why don't you calm down and sit on a bag of ice? And then like I grabbed my pearls that weren't there and I looked at you. I think we looked at each other.

We looked at each other and it was like a subway look of like that homeless person is too close. Yeah. Yeah. We're just like like how could it be? Oh no. I didn't know there were jokes like that. Well I mean

Paula Pell Paula Pell like punched it up and Paula Pell is famously queer and maybe she like felt ownership over that joke. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

It was just the one. I guess we'll see. It was just the one. I mean Just the one. I riffed a lot. Did you riff a lot? At the table? No no no. I guess we'll see. It was just the one. I mean, I riffed a lot. Did you riff a lot? At the table?

No, no, no. Can you imagine? I wish. Oh my God. Just imagine. On set you riffed.

I know it. Yeah. We were on set together. Michelle came in and did Criminal Crimes, my web series that Above Average and fucking killed and it was a riff-a-thon.

You killed. But thank God. That was fun. You were so excited to shoot with Michelle. So excited. Really? Can I tell you, I actually have been, I love you for years.

And I told you this, come on, light. This continues to happen, listeners. Rule number eight of culture, you know the lights are going to go out. Well, nobody told me that shit in the email. What the fuck? I didn't know that was a rule. You just leapt out of your seat. No, but for real.

And I think I told you this. Yes, bitch. Drink at the fluids. And you too. We're drinking beers. Bowen's drinking what? Vitamin C? Lemon water.

Lemon water. Come on. So I think I told you this on set of that thing we did. And receive this. So when we were freshmen in college at NYU, you came through NYU and slayed the welcome week.

And you, honestly, you made me feel a lot less stressed out because it, but that was the worst. Going to college was the worst.

Because he was still in the closet. Because I was like in the closet and so freaked out and like, oh my God, are people gonna,

are people gonna like, am I gonna make friends? Like, am I gonna die? It was like New York City and I was like so much. Wait, gonna are people gonna like am I gonna make friends like am I gonna die it was like New York City and I was like so much wait where are you from then? Long Island but like it's so different got it like Long Island is like suburb down

and then you go to New York City and you think oh I got this I'm from Long Island and it's like so lonely and horrible but you honestly I think it was the first time I breathed and laughed like in like the two weeks before and I loved it was the first time I breathed and laughed in the two weeks before. And I loved it. That's so amazing.

And then you said to the whole crowd of freshmen, friend me on Facebook. And I did. And we've been friends on Facebook for like eight years because of it. Oh my god! Which then, years later, when I was working on the Above Average shoot with Criminal Crimes at the Chess Club, my sketch group at the time, they were like, who should we get to play the coroner? And I was like, I'm just going to throw this out there. Like, you know who I love?

Michelle. And then they were like, okay, let's see. And then you said yes. And I was like, blue. And that was a good moment. Anyway. That is hysterical. And I love.

You know what? I am so glad that you told me that because a lot of times you show up to colleges especially for welcome week and you're like how the fuck

as like a full grown realized woman right sitting and spinning on dicks yeah 100% paying taxes performing for people

with rich parents just there to eat chicken tenders oh yes are they gonna fucking relate to me and a lot of times you leave like feeling like Taxes, performing for people with rich parents just there to eat chicken tenders. Oh, yes. Are they going to fucking relate to me? And a lot of times you leave feeling like, well, at least I'm still doing what I love. Yeah. And I got a paycheck.

Yes, it was a gig. It was a gig. I mean, there is something special about NYU. Yeah. And I remember all the- The parents are even richer. Exactly. Yeah.

But it's nice in a way where everyone knows that they're about to get cultured. Yes. And like, whether they have really rich parents that own boats and wear red pants, or if they're from another country, it feels different. But it's so nice that you remembered

someone that before you. Oh, not only do I remember, but years ago I was like, hire her for a job. No, I'm obsessed. And honestly, friended you on Facebook like you requested. I can't believe I did that. But looking back, it's so funny because now that we are in the comedy world and everything, we have friends that go out and do those college gigs. And I'm like, I wonder if they're all hitting them up to get oh my god i mean who does that i'm

such a and i'm looking through my i don't even go to facebook anymore i'm just like who the fuck are all these people i know right i have no idea who anyone is oh my god i wonder if joel kim booster's out there hitting up people for fun he's told me story like very Yeah I'm sure he has He's told me very Saucy stories Saucy even Joel Joel No Um

Wait Butoh Can we talk about I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you By your last name Why not I don't know

Come on I loved it Okay Okay okay Michelle Our What did we think of Gaga We briefly spoke about this earlier

What did we think You went on the first night I went on the first night For Gaga Uh huh And um You know Think of Gaga. We briefly spoke about this earlier. What do we think? You went on the first night. I went on the first night for Gaga. And, you know, I have not wanted to spend the money to see her before. Yeah. But I was like, I really like all her songs. Yes.

And I love her musicianship. And I love her message. I'm just like, bitch, just go. Yeah. And so I'm so glad I went because she really really I don't want to be like she changed my life but I like it when I leave feeling inspired

you know because I watch I love my whole thing is I want to go to a lot of shows because I want to see people before they die so I see a lot of

Mariah Carey I saw her open for Lionel I've seen her Christmas show and I'm just like can you just not take a Xanax today and just be present and stop yawning

so it's so nice when somebody's like, you know. Present. Yes, and still loves it. There's joy. Yeah. And she was so fucking good. And I forget how many songs she has.

She has so many hits. I couldn't say. And it was like me and an eight-year-old girl. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. No, it was like Francesca, Shashir, Nicole Byer, Mateo, who wore clothes. Just kidding. He didn't.

And Lisa. There's no way. Oh, my God. I didn't know that was the crew. That's such a good crew. It was a great crew. That's so fun. It was a dope crew.

I mean, we all had seats, but adjacent. And so we hung out before and after. And I'm just like, God damn it. She was so fucking good. She commanded that stage in heels. Yeah. Costume changes. Uh-huh.

Spoke to the audience. Like, I used to watch, go to Madonna concerts. She never said anything. Not even, like, you're welcome. Here's the thing. Yeah. I mean, it'd be something if she said, you're welcome. Gaga.

And she, I don't know if she said this on your night. But, like, and I don't think she invented this. But, like, at the end of the show, she was like, I always like to play stadium shows, like a bar, in a bar, like a stadium show. I think that's like a, like a Stones thing or something.

She never, she didn't say that. She said that. And it was so true because in the middle of the concert, I turned to my friend David Mazzoni and he, and we were just like,

this feels like a bitter end show. This feels like. Yeah. Yeah. An Arlene's Grocery, like fucking show. But that's how she came up too, right?

Yeah. Which is amazing. And she's name dropped. She was like, she brought her like came up too, right? Yeah. Which is amazing. And she name dropped. She was like, she brought her like old Lower East Side like collabos. Oh my God. Tommy London, if you don't know him, fucking check him out.

I used to hang out with him. Tommy. I used to go to his shows. And he used to perform. He came up with Gaga. Nice. Right? Was he a dancer or no?

No. What does he look? Does he have the big aviators and the hat or no? And the beard? No, he looks more like a low budget Elvis. Yes. Wait, he was there last night too. He the beard? No, he looks more like a low-budget Elvis. Yes. Wait, he was there last night, too. He had, like, such a, he had, like, a huge pop, a leather jacket.

He looked kind of good. Oh, see, we got there right in the nick of time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, I was going to say, like. Right when Gaga was starting, you got there? We were like, we're not going to get there until, like, 845. Because doors open at 6, and we were like, oh, we've been to Beyonce at Citi Field. No.

Yes. Did you go to Beyonce at Citi Field like she no yes did you go to Beyonce at Citi Field yes two hours bitch we're not supposed to do it for two hours it was crazy and then I turned

and also we had shit tea seats me, Sudi and Henry were sitting in the last row of Citi Field I'm not kidding you like right up next to

the chain link fence I was there the last row I was there like three rows in oh my god so I was like there and like my hair

was sticking up because it was so windy so crazy and cold freezing and it was like around this time of year right

yeah it was June of last year yeah and it was so fucking cold and eventually I'm saying to myself like when the fuck is she gonna come out

and I turn to my left and someone says I heard she doesn't hit the stage until there's complete darkness complete darkness in the sky.

And I was like, okay, I guess we're going to wait. Yeah. Yeah. I got there so early just to watch DJ Khaled fucking have sweaty titties for two hours. Yeah, that's so funny. It was so long. It was so long. I don't know.

Beyonce's kind of, I think, not ruined for me. Obviously, I love the Formation World Tour, but I saw the four concert at Roseland Ball the formation world tour but I saw the four concert at Roseland ballroom when she did four shows for the four albums and I was 150 feet away from her right and it was I don't know because she was still massive at that time and she was pregnant then it's revealed months later that she like what that's when she revealed her little bump on the VMAs and and she revealed shortly after that she was like four months pregnant. And I had seen her a month and a half before. And I'm like, the bitch was pregnant while she was turning it out?

Like maybe she was like having fucking morning sickness. It was crazy. Oh my God, I can't even take a big shit and like find something to wear. And this bitch is like squatting for two and a half hours. You would never think. With like a placenta growing. You would never think she wasn't in the peak of her life. Like there was no.

I gotta go home and lift weights. This is just like not okay. I feel like pregnant Beyonce just obviously dense circles around us all. Totally. So I have a gripe. Can I just. Yeah, come on gripe.

Okay. Okay. One is like all natural deodorant and doesn't work. The other one is like... You smell good. I was telling you, you smell good. Oh, thank you. Just don't go in. Okay. You probably can't smell anything anyways. So sick. Beyonce had twins, and I feel

like that wasn't natural. It was IVF. Speak on it. Normalize that shit. Oh, okay. Amal Clooney. Like, I feel like I hate when bitches, like, pick and choose. Like, now Plastic surgery Not to get all woke And like feminine And about

But like I feel like Now we're talking about Nose jobs Like it's fucking Getting your eyebrows done But like these bitches Need to start normalizing

Shit for other ladies Who are out there Working trying to have kids Yeah Going like another Fucking route I'm just saying I mean

There's a lot of discussion Right now about What they are and aren't saying, especially talking about Taylor Swift with the whole fucking Trump thing. Now she's back out with her song.

I haven't listened to her song. What's happening with her song? Just continue to not listen to it. Because why give her any more money? She's a villain. Tell me about it. Oh no, tell me about it.

She's just a full villain. And the thing is, this is painful for Matt and I because we fucking shelled out hundreds of dollars to go see her live. Talk about stadium tour. Talk about, we went to MetLife Stadium, paid $180 Uber, Michelle.

MetLife in Jersey? MetLife in Jersey. I drove Phoebe Robinson to go see you two. Oh yes. Granted, three tickets she invited me. Great. We were in that car for four hours and 45 minutes. I'm like, we should be in Maryland

right now. Yeah. And we were stuck at the Lincoln Tunnel for an hour and a half. I saw an old Chinese guy pee by his car. Fuck.

Girl, bye. And then we saw two random white people trying to go into the tunnel and she's like, white people, you can't go into the tunnel. They were trying

to find their ride. So then they just jumped in our car and ended up driving with us there. That's filthy. They jumped in your car? Yeah, they weren't like, they were like normal looking.

Oh, that's crazy. Like nine to five Talbot wearing motherfuckers. That's some white privilege right fucking there. Well, that's why I had them in my car. I was like, what are they going to do? What are they going to Jimmy Buffet me to death? Get the fuck out of here. And they're fucking Talbots, yeah.

Exactly. And they're Bolton's. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out. I mean, so yeah, I'm just like at least, and maybe Matt's just like standing in solidarity with me, but I just read, I was in this fever dream fucking state on my way to God last night. I was reading this thing piece and it was just talking about how she, like she's irredeemable

until she speaks out against Trump. And I was like, yeah. And so I went into my Spotify, deleted all her songs. Um, and now like if I'm ever in the mood to listen to her again, I'll just, like, go to my music app and, like, not have to pay her a streaming dollar. Like, just listen to it. And I'll just pirate her shit from now on.

Her whole thing is now, like, her whole single is, like, she, like, ducked real low for a while because, like, Kanye and Kim got her and like all that garbage and you know like she was exposed as what she is and you know she ducked out of the spotlight for a while and now she's back with this song look what you made me do and it's like

essentially the message of it I think is like I own everything that's ever been said and done about me and I'm actually taking it for myself none of you can ever say anything to break me because, like, um... I'm still here. Maybe the message is, like,

I was confused for a while. I think I finally realized it. It's like, you're responsible for... You're all complicit in this and what I've done, like, which is kind of crazy. It's some evil villain shit. You know what it's like? To me, Taylorana Swift feels like,

and I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. You know, she's entitled. Yeah. She's also talented, but she's like that friend that hooks up with one guy and can't stop talking about dick and acts like they know about dick. It's like nothing really has happened to you.

Life has barely happened. A dude didn't even rape you multiple times. He grabbed your ass and now you want to fight the good fight. Thank you for speaking on it, but also let's keep it moving because if I had to go to court every time someone grabbed my ass, I would always be in motherfucking

court. Do you know what I mean? So I feel like things happen to her and she's like, I have to write a song and good for you, boo boo. Well, the irony is she released her fucking video for it on Sunday, like as Harvey was touching down, like there's like shit going on in the world and people are dying. That's insane. I know

Beyonce dropped Lemonade when Prince died, but like, how can you not? Because we need to heal. But then she like paid tribute to him. Yes. Because we need to heal. That was a contribution to the world. Look what you made me. I also can't fucking say the title of the song. It's so bad.

It's so bad. So fail on that. Look what you made me do. It's just like, it's the ultimate like, I'm a victim. And then I had posted this article today that basically said, you're never going to know what Taylor Swift's politics are because she'll never say it. She's the only pop star of her caliber

who claims to be a feminist who won't speak out against Donald Trump, won't denounce Donald Trump, obviously because she won't like her dollars. And it is her personal right to keep her vote private. But you don't really have to guess what her politics are when her entire message is

I win, but all the losers and haters are coming for me. Where have we heard that before? Donald fucking Trump. Not Jill Stein. No, bitch. Yeah. You fucking two percenter. Get the fuck out of here.

Fucking, I mean like, what was I going to say? Oh no, it's just like a shitty Howard Ashman Disney villain song. Oh my God. It's really what it is. This is the best Yelp review I have ever villain song. Oh, my God. It's really what it is. And honestly. This is the best Yelp review I have ever heard. No, it's so shitty. And also the video is so uninspired.

Go watch the video one time. Anyway. Watch the video one time and you'll be like, oh, this is some garbage. Because my thing about it is it's just everyone else's cool video put together. Yeah. There's one image in it that I haven't seen before. I mean, we're all inspired by somebody, but it's also like,

boo boo. Yeah. Like, you know, Bruno Mars is still Bruno Mars. He just got that, you know, stank on it. Right.

My thing is like, James Brown, like Little Richard, but it's Bruno Mars. Yes. It's like, stop trying to be Beyonce with no ass.

Yes. So inspiration is inspiration. Everyone's going to be inspired. Everyone's going to have references always. Yes. But when you make that much fucking money. Yeah.

And when you are that much. And every time the world's going to stop whenever you do anything. You have to be extraordinary. Come correct. Like, come on. Like, at this point. Even the new kids are coming up with new songs. The new kids on the block.

They're coming up with new songs. Yeah, right? Yeah. Oh, my God. You introduced me. I'm so late on the Cardi B train. but you're, I don't think, so honey on our live show. I was like, who's Cardi B?

And then I listened to Bodak Yellow. What did I say? What did I say about Cardi B? Do you need a tissue? No, no, no. It's like post-nasal drip. Anyway. Strugs.

Strugs. No, I mean, your thing was, I don't think so many people who don't fuck with Despacito. Yes. And then you said, any song that makes me want to shake my ass like Card b or something oh yes yes yes yes yes i was like who was cardi b and yeah i was very late to the cardi b training i didn't know cardi b either and then i watched i watched her videos and i was like she is so funny damn she's amazing so good she's so authentic and she's so real and like she did the pre-show at the vmas on sunday and like every line of bodak yellow her like her like hot single right now just has some

fucking curse word in it and so like she like had to like skip every other syllable she's like she was really struggling with me yeah yeah yeah i don't know i don't know yeah yeah yeah oh my god didn't you tell me she sat on someone's face And broke their nose She Yeah That is on my bucket list Bitches Yes Yes

I tried to I hooked up with this dude That looked like Adrian Brody And I really tried to Yes But it was 30 as fuck Oh my god It was like a bouncy house

She can't fucking Find it in the air Spin it like a top Oh my god Spin it on noses Spin it on schnozzes. She fucking. A memoir by Michelle.

She, no, so what had happened was she. Spinning on that schnozz. She has a lyric in, in Bodak Yellow where she's like, I forget what the lyric is, but she was like,

explaining the lyric, this lyric about like, this guy eating her ass. And she was like, yeah, one time I got carried away. He was like, eating me so good that i just put my full weight on his face and his nose broke and we had to go to the emergency room and we had to be like we were too embarrassed so we just told them we just told them that he got jumped shit that's amazing so funny she should be on the tlc show

sex sent me to the emergency room oh is that a show that's a show and those reenactments are so ghetto it is amazing oh we have to watch cause I'm tired of watching like fat bitches like shit a baby into the toilet

yeah no no no I didn't know I was pregnant it's old news yes this is and it's always like some dude that can't stop orgasming

and he's like hi hi hi yeah yeah it's fucked up it's great Sex Send Me to the Emergency Room yes

Sex Send Me to the Emergency Room where you been I hope they're in season 4 Oh come on Just give that a fucking order So I interviewed Cardi B one time And she's amazing Wow tell us everything She's um

I don't think she knows how funny she is She's just who she is which is great And her name is Bacardi Is it really so she nicknamed herself Cardi B and her sister's name is Hennessy yes you know what that's great she's Hennessy and Bacardi she's overcome so much by having that name yeah right she I mean uh I don't know if she's puerto rican or dominican but like she lives her life like nobody watching and i love it and i asked her like how did you because

she was a stripper before i'm like how did you get into stripping and she was like i'm not gonna do her voice because that's fucked up but she was like i was bagging groceries at Pathmark in the Bronx and I asked my I asked my manager I was like how do I like make more money and shit and he was like there's a strip club across the street you got a good body and she was like I just go like dance and shit and he's like yeah you strip you take your clothes off and dance

she didn't know the transaction sometimes you gotta make it obvious for me too right there is esoterica there the real housewives of New York City Look, sometimes you gotta make it obvious for me too, right? No, totally. Totally. There is esoterica there. She had this wild night and ended up getting pregnant by some other guy. What? You told her? Not today, Satan. Not today.

The Real Housewives of New York City, all new Tuesdays at 9 on Bravo or stream it on City TV+. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, a five-year-old boy floated alone in the ocean. He had lost his mother trying to reach Florida from Cuba. He looked like a little angel. I mean, he looked so fresh. And his name, Elian Gonzalez, will make headlines everywhere. Elian Gonzalez. Elian Gonzalez. Elian.

Elian. Elian Gonzalez. At the heart of the story is a young boy and the question of who he belongs with. His father in Cuba. Mr. Gonzales wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or his relatives in Miami. Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. At the heart of it all is still this painful family separation.

Something that as a Cuban, I know all too well. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story, as part of the My Cultura podcast network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. Guess what, folks?

We're teammates again and we're going to welcome you guys all to Dudes on Dudes. I'm a dude, you're a dude, and Dudes on Dudes is our brand new show. We're going to highlight players, peers, guys that we played against, legends from the past, and we're just going to sit here and talk about them and we'll get into the types of dudes. What kind of types of dudes are there, Gronk? We got studs, wizards. We got freaks. Or dudes dudes. We got dogs. Dogs. We'll break down their games. We'll share some insider

stories and determine what kind of dude each of these dudes are. Is Randy Moss a stud or a freak? Is Tom Brady a dog or a dudes dude? We're gonna find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll. This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. We talk about guilt, shame, body image, and huge life transformations. I was a desperate delusional dreamer and the desperate part got me in a lot of trouble. I encourage delusional dreamers. Be a delusional

dreamer. Just don't be a desperate delusional dreamer. I just had such an anger. I was just so mad at life. Everything that wasn't right was everybody's fault but mine. I had such a victim mentality. I took zero accountability for anything in my life. I was the kid that if you asked what happened, I immediately started with everything but me. It took years for me to break that.

Like years of work. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. So she... She started that, yeah. And then I heard she, like, had to, like, pay for herself. Well, she, like, saved up a lot of money

because she was, like, in a very abusive relationship. Oh, shit. Yeah. And so she's, like, come such a long way. And, like, I'm rooting for her so hard. Well, that's what love and hip-hop is sort of, like, a very abusive relationship. Oh shit. Yeah. And so she's like come such a long way. I'm like I'm rooting for her so hard. Well that's what love and hip hop is sort of like showcasing too. It's like there's a whole culture of women who are strippers who want to be rappers and performers and what they do is like try to get their song played when they're stripping.

So people like. Yeah. It's like a showcase. It is. It's America's Got Talent. Yes. But everything is a live round. Yes.

And they always hit hit that golden button. Wait, Michelle, we have to ask you the question. And I'm so glad that this is just on a roll. And we haven't asked. We usually ask this like 10 minutes in. But we'll ask you the question we ask all of our guests. Okay. Which is like, what is the culture that made you say culture is for me?

Like growing up, what is the culture that made you say culture is for me? Like growing up, this is the culture, like could it be a film, music, something that you saw in comedy, whatever, that made you,

that really start to set you in the direction of who you would become like culturally. Like pop culturally. Fuck. Who's this last culturista?

This is a very hard question because my parents are immigrants. Yes. So already I was like, this is how you all tw because my parents are immigrants yes so already i was like this is how you all twerk um like at five you know like a lot of reggae songs and stuff so but american culture for me i was like lisa bonet on the cosby show i was like oh i just want to wear my dad's blazers she was so fucking cool yeah. Yeah, and just like, yeah, just have like a one-liner.

And then also, this is so embarrassing, but Dirty Dancing. Yeah, okay. Oh, the lights went out when I did Patrick Swayze! His fucking baby Swayze

slid through the house! Honestly, his spirit is here. Yeah. Now I'm watching Tyler Henry Hollywood Medium, so you know I believe in that shit Okay

He is so sweaty Is there anybody That can give him a Gatorade And a fucking rag Tyler Henry or Tyler Henry That poor boo Is a sweat

And talking to all those spirits He's a sweating little boy Long Island Medium Does not sweat that much No But I also think It's cause she doesn't Really feel the spirit

I think she What Does Long Island Medium Like doodle like Like Tyler does No Tyler doodles I like That kind of like Was like oh that's cool I think she's big. What? Does Long Island Medium doodle like Tyler does? No, Tyler does the doodling. I, like, that kind of was like, oh, that's cool. It'll come to you when you do the doodling.

I feel like he's legit and she's not. That's just from what I'm... I feel like she's legit. Is it because she's, like, tan mom? That's a medium. No, I feel like here's the thing. Like, every time I... She does the very ambitious, like, live reading in a group,

and she does it on all the talk shows, and she'll be like, Is there anyone here? Pass from the thing. Every time I see... She does the very ambitious live reading in a group, and she does it on all the talk shows, and she'll be like, is there anyone here? Pass from the chest. Pass from the chest. And then everyone will be like... Heart disease? I think.

Any names that begin with an R. She'll be like, it was your father. And they go, no. And she's like, all right, well, someone yes. And someone's like, my uncle.

And she's like, that's what I was saying like that's what I was saying that's what I was saying when I said father figure Teresa passed from the chest and Tyler's just like

this is so strange I'm getting the name that starts with J it's probably Jonathan and he died of a very specific thing

and they're like oh my god literally exactly right yeah but okay I really like watching him I definitely want to like pat his forehead and give him some powder. And he's adorable. Where's the makeup girl?

Yeah, we can't find her in his mind. Yeah, no. Also, when he read Bobby Brown and did not know who Whitney and Bobby were. Come on. Yeah, that was a suspect. But was like, I'm seeing a mother- a suspect. But was like, I'm seeing like a mother-daughter relationship. I was like, boo-boo. And then he goes,

yeah, I'm realizing who your wife is now by seeing that picture of Bobby Christina. I was like, bitch, you didn't know from Bobby Brown sitting in front of you that you were going to be talking about when he was in Houston. Bobby Christina tipped you off.

No, there was something fishy there. That was terrible. Like whoever produced that should have like kind of rethought that but did you see the Lil' Kim episode because Biggie came through Biggie came through but it's also really hard to watch Lil' Kim's face

oh sure I mean did he know who Biggie was he well she said that jacket belonged to the great notorious B.I.G. and he goes wow and I was like, I think that... I think he knows. But actually,

he did mention... You know, I very rarely recognize the people I read. And then she opened the door and he was like, are you Lil' Kim? So he knew who she was.

That's insane. Plus, I wouldn't know that's Lil' Kim if I met her. Yeah, that's true. Because her face

has changed so much. She was so good. She's still... I'm sure she's great. Wait, how did we get on this? Because you were talking about Dirty Dancing and the Ghost. Oh, Dirty Dancing, yes, and the Ghost.

But I loved it. I loved it. I was like, oh, wow, going away on vacation. Yeah. Havana. Exactly. Oh, the first one. Havana Nights.

I know. I don't know why my mind jumped to that. Can you imagine if I thought that was the only Dirty Dancing? I was going in 2004 my God, no, no. Can you imagine if I thought that was the only Dirty Dancer? That was fine in 2004. Oh my God. She's like, where's Quintana Roo, babe? Oh my God. Anyways.

That's great. No, that's amazing. Oh, and I guess like salt and pepper. I was like, I must. I knew from even going to Catholic school all my life, I was like, you have to own your sexuality because these guys out here are just like trying to take it from you and like make you feel like guilty for no reason and shit. Yeah. Yeah.

And I love like just Queen Latifah and shit because they were like, take back the fucking night. Yeah. Yeah. Who you calling a bitch? Yes. I love that. Push It is like an early feminist anthem and it doesn't get the credit it deserves. It doesn't. People play it when they like give birth. I'm like, stop. Oh, yeah. No, I love that. Push It is like an early feminist anthem, and it doesn't get the credit it deserves. It doesn't. People play it when they give birth

and I'm like, stop. Oh, God. Stop. That's not this. That's what you play while you're conceiving. Yeah. So, this actually, I mean, come on. This actually is interesting, and it's very similar to me, too. I actually didn't have a lot of comedic influences.

I had a lot of musical influences. And sometimes when people ask me, what are your comedic influences? I have a really hard time with that question. Same. Yeah. It's hard for me to say, well, you know, of course I love The Simpsons. Because I fucking didn't. You know what I mean? But I can tell you what music I was listening to every step of my life.

I hate when people make you feel bad. Like, I don't like Seinfeld. Get off my dick. Yeah. I can't do comedy and not like Seinfeld you're pulling from different references yeah I'm sorry it's a bunch of poor white people who don't know how to dance why am I gonna like this shit yeah but that's funny it's just interesting that you mentioned

a lot of he gets so nervous when our knees touch well cause I'm sick I don't want to contaminate it should be good in quarantine oh Michelle yeah I don't give a fuck it's fine I mean I that's that is the most that is Lady Gaga level contaminated. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I don't give a fuck. It's fine. That is the most... That is Lady Gaga level warmth. Yeah, you're right.

Iconique on the level of Gaga. We're going to take a very short break and then we're going to come back with Michelle. Are we going to smoke? Boutteau. Honestly, I would love to. I've been debating whether I should. No, but the thing is, here's the deal. When I was very sick, I would love to. I've been debating whether I should. No, but the thing is, here's the deal.

When I was very sick, I actually ate a ton of edibles. Did it help? Yeah. Because it got me to stop thinking about how sick I was. But see, sometimes the pain is amplified. Sometimes even an itch will feel so painful to me. I get these body highs where I'm just like, oh my God, what?

There's an itch on my shoulder. That is one thing. It's just, it's probably, it's what you're smoking. Because sometimes I'll smoke something and like, like I'll just only focus on the one part of my body that I'm holding stress. Does that ever happen to you? Yeah, my jaw.

Really? That's your jaw for me? It's my back and my shoulders. That happens to me naturally because of titties. All right, let's take a break. Okay, let's take a break. And we're back. Ooh, we're black.

We're back, and one of us is black, and one of us is Asian, and one of us is... Colors have been a ton. Yeah. Michelle. Or a yogurt commercial. Or a yogurt commercial. Or a yogurt commercial. Or a good dove commercial.

We're like a casting director's dream. Yeah. If we were all big girls, we'd just be in panties right now. Posing next to a dove bottle that's shaped like us. Yeah. With a big piece of paper that we have to go behind to get naked and take a shower. What is beautiful? Who's to say?

As long as my self comes off, I'm beautiful. Oh. Wait, you honestly don't know. You were talking, you were griping about your deodorant.

Finish that thought. I don't think we could like fully follow this idea. I'm trying to go au naturel. Great. It's hard because my body's so ethnic.

Yeah. In nooks and crannies where i'm not expecting it to be right oh baby so yeah you know what i mean behind the fucking ears that's just me oh behind the ears behind the ears it's just greasy as hell oh yeah okay i got it no i mean that's gross yeah i'm i'm vulnerable for sharing that um no it's okay you are vulnerable i'm very vulnerable do you like it when like when a guy kisses behind your ears or you're just like, no, I don't know

how it's going to be? I don't think they've done it enough for me to know. Are you into licking in the ears? Are you guys into that? I do it a lot and people hate it, love it. Wow.

It could have gone either way. In fact, I will put my tongue full the way in an ear. That's gross, man. Do you ever come out with something unsavable? What did you say? Do you ever come out with something?

Unsavable. Do you ever come out with something on my tongue? Like you dig out something. Yeah, do you have to be like Gordon Ramsay in Kitchen Nightmares? You'd be like, excuse me. No, I have. Clean this up. Anyone I ever hook up with is fully excavated in every way.

No, I'm just kidding. Ew. When I used to hook up with guys, because now I every way. No, I'm just kidding. Ew. I do. When I used to hook up with guys, because now I'm a married lady. Yeah, you are married. I'd bring them home and put them in the shower. Yeah. That's good.

Because I don't know you. I don't know how you live. Yep. I don't know what your definition of clean. Guys. Right. Boo. You can never tell.

Boo. Not washing your hands. Finger nails. No. When I was in college and when I was in my early 20 when I was like in my early 20s I think like I would hook up with guys like after being out and like whatever

and we would go home and do whatever and I wouldn't think a second thing about it but now it's like no you have to be squeaky clean before and after

the whole time yeah and then get like an omelet at the diner yeah with the person no sometimes

if there's good conversation how did you and your husband meet how long have you been married to one night stand just fucking really omelet at the diner. Yeah. With the person? No. Sometimes. If that's good conversation. How did you and your husband meet? How long have you been married to? One night stand. Really? Like, how are we talking about? Just fucking my way into romance. Omelet afterwards or no?

No, he had to go back to Amsterdam the next day. Oh, yeah, that's right. This is a Dutch guy. Yeah. And then you talked about this on your album. It's so funny. It's all true. Yeah.

It's so fucking true. I posted a photo when I was in Amsterdam and Michelle commented, let me know where you're going to go! And I was like, oh, what? And then I just made the connection. Oh, yeah. That's my city. Yeah. I love that place.

It's fucking great. Have you tried Reikstafel? What's Reikstafel? It's like an Indonesian-Dutch hybrid. It's a butt thing during sex? Oh, yeah. Indonesian food makes me... Well, okay. It's like sweet Chinese food.

It's really good. Sweet and spicy. Indonesian food makes me shit water. Nice. I will do it because Dutch people love it because European countries love flavor, which is just usually countries they've colonized. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like, I'll eat it, but, like, it'll be like a curried egg. And you'll hate, and you'll just fucking shit water. I'll just shit water and keep, like, burping it for, like, three days. Yeah. What, oh, God. Like, food poisoning? Like, I don't, would you call that food poisoning? No, I, no.

I've dealt with that recently, and I was just like. Oh, it's terrible. Just like a little intolerance. A little intolerance, but it's making me shit water For three days in a row Yeah When it's coming out of like Everybody We should definitely

Change the subject Okay alright Yeah yeah yeah No I just feel like I want to be shit And this is the thing The Coach Reza's You listeners

You know that we get real Yes Ooh And I'll get bodily real with you Bodily real And I mean the last Our last episode was titled Herpes Simplex 1 Yes Oh wow So yes We had a whole conversation With Rae Sonny about real with you bodily real and i mean the last our last episode was titled herpes simplex one yes oh

wow we had a whole conversation with ray sani about what the herp is being herpetic being herpetic and what and what happened what happened was we talked about the differences between having a uh a cold sore which is herpes simplex virus one yes and getting shingles shingles and also getting canker sores which I had been dealing with a canker sore outbreak and I'm always like what the fuck and then a doctor one time told me I had herpes 1

and then I got tested for it and they're like no you don't who was this doctor I was like bitch it was city MD oh I was like did you go to out of the closet no it's right next to out of the closet I went to that one I don't trust these city MD doctors Did you go to Out of the Closet? No. It's right next to Out of the Closet. Yeah. Honestly, no. I went to that one.

I don't trust these city MD doctors. Really? No. I looked out this week and my physician was an actual MD. Not to shit on people with DOs or whatever, or physician's assistants, but it's like, oh, well, I'm obviously going to feel better. You know what? I take that back.

Sorry. I mean, don't cut this out. But it's like fucking Brian from The Bachelorette. Right. Do you watch The Bachelorette? I watched this season. Yeah, same. Brian was the winner. The chiropractor who was a quote-unquote doctor calls himself a physician. The smooth talker

that said anything perfect. And who like tongue-rammed her in the first fucking episode. It was crazy. His kissing was wild. It was crazy. His kissing was wild. It was blue. I'm surprised that the wrestler stayed there for so long. So I was like, what does she see in him? I didn't get it either.

I think he was a good guy, admitted a long time. And also, you know he was there so they could stretch out that fight with him and the racist. Why did that racist stay there for so long? Because she didn't have no choice that's the thing about the show is they keep them yeah have you seen unreal on lifetime oh yeah oh yes it's it's i can't believe that it would be even that real like that's so fucked up it's crazy make out with these people and just like try and have a moment in front of all these lights and shit yeah i mean that's also another thing is it's like i remember the one episode where she got in the hot tub with Peter,

who was the runner-up, and he was rubbing up her back, and they were in the hot tub. I'm like, there's cameras there! I know! And this article today that I posted on Facebook, it literally was talking about Bachelor in Paradise, and it described the Bachelor contestants as people with great bodies who just don't really have the heart to do porn.

I was just, it is like a gateway to like a sex tape. Yeah. It's certainly not dissimilar. It's just exhibitionist in that way, which is fine. Like no stigma, but it's just, it's a little, you know. Yeah, but you're calling it love. Yeah. You're trying to be like all sincere about some bullshit.

Totally, totally, totally. It's like you just want to get your dick wet yeah are you watching bachelor in paradise no but i i heard like that really unfortunate story about how people were blackout drunk and she yeah no it was it was it's not good and they they've now so i didn't watch this episode last night but they had her on to give like her tell all so i'm gonna watch that episode but it can't have gone good the thing about that situation is you can't deal with it well. It should have just been cancelled. Like, shut it down.

But also, when there's a lot of money involved, this goes back to the whole Taylor Swift thing and everything, when there's money involved, you just keep on going. And if you never apologize, then you're never wrong. Exactly. God, that sounds like the White House's platform at this point. That's what this whole article was. It was like this new Taylor Swift video is the first pure piece of Trump-era art. That sounds like the White House's platform at this point. Oh, yeah. That's what this whole article was.

It was like, this new Taylor Swift video is the first pure piece of Trump-era art. It's like Reagan-era art we think about, like Top Gun and fucking Dynasty, where it's just like rich people or military people. Right. And now it's like, oh, this is going to be about, like, this is just that second coming of that, where it's just like, we're fascinated by rich people. I mean, we kind of did that during the Bush years too like with The Simple Life

and stuff I was having a conversation recently about like the direction of music about how everything like this new Taylor Swift song is like oot

oot it's just very like kind of industrial like more industrial and like clubby than anything she's ever done yeah and I thought like

gay's fucking in a bathhouse to it yeah gay's fucking in a bathhouse to it that Yeah. Gay's fucking in a bathhouse to it. That's your joke. Like, right. Yeah.

But like, the thing is like, if that's where we're at right now, like a kind of very like 80s, if we're in the 80s right now, like in, like in terms of politics and in terms of like music, then like it,

with the next coming, we'll be like, I think that rock music will come back. Like, I think that something will happen where like where I'm just trying to think ahead to what's going to be next because we can't exist in this space anymore. I felt like Lady Gaga was getting a little bit more rock with her new album, Joanne. Yeah. You knew she was going to go to Joanne when she brought out the pink cowboy hat. Right.

You're like, oh, here's another song I don't know. Totally. And The Cure is like- I love The Cure. It's like such oh, here's another song I don't know. Totally. And she, and The Cure is like. I love The Cure. It's like such a nice 90s R&B throwback. I'm just like, oh, that. Like, do that. I miss that.

Take us to a happy place. That's my favorite type of music, yeah. Somebody told me that Taylor Swift's new song reminds them of Peaches. Oh, yeah. She's just like talking. Really? Look what you made me do. Look what you made me do. Look what you made me do.

Sucking on my titties like you want me. It's so bad. It's not a chorus. It's really bad. I'm regretful to say that I'm interested to hear what the album sounds. I think I'll listen to it one time through and then make a decision about it. Right. But I will listen to it because I'm interested.

But the thing is, like, it doesn't feel like it's going to go in a very musical direction. It just sounds like she's, like, pissed and, like, wants to make dance music and be this new teller who wears, like, a choker. Enough. Is she going to, like, be in a movie and, like, put on, like, a prosthetic nose and be like, I need an Oscar?

Yeah, probably. Well, she was briefly cast in Les Mis. As fucking Eponine. As Eponine. Really? And then they were like, no. Really? But this is something I just remembered. She campaigned to play Joni Mitchell in a biopic, and Joni was like, fuck no.

What? I love that. Oh my god. She was trying to do movies. She was in that stupid ass Valentine's Day with a thousand people in it. Oh, I never saw that because I like myself. Yeah, right. The real icons do it all. They're great in movies like Gaga, Rihanna,

Madonna, fucking Beyonce. Wait, Madonna? Like, you know, League of Their Own and stuff like that. Evita. Evita, Evita, of course. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

See, just kidding. Rule number 98 of culture, Madonna and Evita. Okay. Okay. See, just kidding. Rule number 98 of culture, Madonna and Evita. Okay. I can't, but I will. But I will. But we did. Oh my God, I just lost my train of thought. No, but saying like-

Wait, can I ask you guys a question? Yes, yes. So the I don't think so, honey. Yeah. Has there ever been one that just like fell flat where you're just like, oh, I'm so sorry. Like someone just just bombed. No, I don't. I mean, we bomb all the time on the pod.

But I don't. We'll do one shortly. We'll all do it. But the live show, yes. But the live show, no. I think if anything, everyone always fucking kills. But the thing is, on this last live show we had a couple occasions where people

decided to come for us. Oh wow! Like for example Timothy Dunn he turned to us and said I don't think so honey

childless adults at Disney World. And Bowen and I have been known to frequent Disney World and we have not one child

between us. A patent offense. It was terrible. And also, Annie Donnelly fully said, I don't think so, honey. Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. Why should we listen to you about culture? You think you're the only two gay people. She goes, Matt Rogers. Oh, my God.

She goes, Matt Rogers, can I be friends with you? Because all your friends become famous except you. Oh, my God. And then she goes, Bowen Yang, you never get fucked. Well, it's called the 1-800-CONTACT. No. Which is so funny. Warby Parker, more like.

No, wait. Sponsored by Spoke. No, sponsored by Warby Parker. So dumb. Anyway. No, no one's like bombed. No, no one's bombed. Sometimes I disagree. So dumb. Anyway. No, no one's like bombed. No, no one's bombed. Sometimes I disagree.

Mostly Bowen Yanks. Sometimes Bowen will say some things and I'll just turn my I don't think so honey right around on him. Oh, yeah. Got it. Yeah. So it's. Wait, how'd you guys come up with it?

Because we used to say it to each other. We used to say it to each other. And Matt had the idea to make it a segment. You know, pat passing on Matt. He's like, thank you. I was like, I don't think so, honey. And then we just. But here's the thing.

And I think I said this at the show. Like, at first we were like, let's just, like, build a segment around a stupid catchphrase like they do on all the podcasts. And it'll be dumb. But then, like, slowly, like, people got into it. And we were like, like, you stare at a catchphrase. The catchphrase stares back. Yes! And people were like it's the centerpiece of the show and we were like oh my god

like it's like it's snowballing and like not in a good or a bad way it's just like oh we thought it was like a goofy bullshit thing. Is that what the shirt says? What? The t-shirt that they sold the show? It says I don't think so honey. Las Culturistas. Las Culturistas. Yeah. That's so funny.

Anyway. It's amazing. It's bizarre because it's like that genuinely was just something we said. You never, it's okay. So sometimes you get sent like,

because comedy writers, you get sent like a packet to do. And they're like, come up with some bits to do on the show. And you can never fucking think of anything. Like that's always

how weak I am. Like you want me to come up with jokes, I can come up with jokes. Yes. But when it's like, come up with fucking think of anything. That's always how weak I am. You want me to come up with jokes? I can come up with jokes. Yes. But when it's like, come up with some segments. Oh my God, the segments. Of bits.

Because it's just like terrible low budget game shows in 90 seconds or less, right? Yeah. And I hated packets because it was always for an older white woman or man. Right. And my manager would read these packets for Conan and Jimmy, Camille, and then she's just like, at the end of every sentence sentence I hear, hey girl, hey. So you can't, you just got to write for yourself. But I love me a catchphrase.

Like I, I don't know if I did this at the NYU show, but I used to like do this from the waist down fucking shit at colleges where I'm just like from the waist down. I don't remember that, but I do. But you do say that's your journey that's your journey that was the podcast I had for like three episodes and I was like

fuck talking to people it's your journey boo and like from the waist down I was like say it like when you get like a fortune cookie

instead of in bed and like yeah you know what here's the thing about catchphrases and people shit on them all the time as like cheap and hacky

but like they really do provide a framework for comedic thoughts. And people who did the I Don't Think So Honey shows who were not stand-ups, it just brought something out of them. It gave them a nice, strong, starting POV. Yeah, it's a license. Totally. And you, I think Michelle specifically was an exemplary. I don't think so. Slayed. Because she actually followed the rule of just repeat I don't think so honey as many times as possible. Every single sentence Michelle said started with I don't think so honey.

Oh, I didn't even know that was one of the rules. But I knew you would say it. I just like felt the spirit. Oh, totally. You embodied I don't think so honey. That's why I put you last in the first act. You were last in the first act. I was like, I know.

People fucking lost it. I had this coworker who first act I was like I know people fucking lost it I had this co-worker who went and she was like I hate Despacito but I agreed with I kind of agreed with Michelle in that moment I was like yeah

you know what I'm wrong I never fucked with Despacito until you're out on things like that what I just did it and you want to know what it is

it was Bieber that was driving me away okay there's an original version but like just take Bieber out of the fucking equation. He's not even really speaking English. Do you think that Bieber is sexy? No.

No. And that's it? Yeah, and that's it. No. Yeah. I want to. I see the sex appeal, but no. I feel like I see right through him, and I know his game.

And even though I had an abortion the year he was born, so he can probably be my kid, but no, he is not sexy. He's like, there's blazing insecurity with a bunch of talent, and a big dick. And

that's just not my type. Totally. Yeah, I feel like people are tricked into thinking he's sexy because they oil that bitch up. And those tats are doing a lot. You could have a water slide with no water and he would shoot down it. He is oiled up at all times.

I was like, ow, that hurts. I was like, bitch, he is lubed. I think he did this song because he's like trying to get back at Selena because he's like,

oh, you think you run the Spanish game with the fucking millennials? No, here we go. And then like, does she though? Yeah, she's got, oh, you think you run the Spanish game with the fucking millennials? No, here we go. And then like. Does she though? Yeah, she's got. Okay.

She's got like more followers than I think any Kardashian or JLo. Oh, that's cool. Like she's got like the markets between like Hispanic. Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, she covers a wide base. But that's so awful because it's like Selena Gomez's music like appeals to all demos. But Justin Bieber trying to get back at her for going in this one

specific vertical of a musical genre is like so but like I feel like they're always through music trying to get back at each other

yes yes yes am I crazy no you're right because his last single his most recent single that came out like last week is called Friends

and it's actually really good I like it a lot his music is good don't apologize he's actually good he plays I like it a lot. His music is good. Don't apologize. He's actually good. He plays a lot of instruments. He's a dick, but like, as long as he's not running like a fucking sex cult at his house and like peeing on like

15 year old girls. Yeah, right. And I'm like, okay, he's a dick. He doesn't want to take a selfie. But you know who does that? Taylor. Who do you stand for though? Is there a popular artist that you fully stand for? I can't Deontay Gaga

Who else? Yeah Gaga Fuck I just like old people Yeah I know that's fine Like Lionel Sure Yeah

Mariah No I can't stand or sit for that Yeah but is that because of what she's become or what she was? Were you never down for Mariah? But you see her in concert I always loved her music, but I always felt like she's a girl I would never get along with. She makes you feel shitty for not wearing heels.

That's how I feel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. She's like, are you going to eat that bread darling?

And it's like, yeah, bitch. Oh God. Darling. You nailed the darling. The darling. Where did you get that?

It's so annoying. I don't even know. You know what? I really love Sia. Yeah. Sia's fucking great.? It's so annoying. I don't even know. You know what? I really love Sia. Yeah, Sia's fucking great. Sia's fucking cool. And I like Sia and Rihanna together, and I like Rihanna as well. I feel like that bitch has got a story, and I feel like she does the most by doing the least.

Yes. And I love that she can't blink. Yeah. No, I love her because now I feel like the bitch is always high. Yes. Yes. I truly think she gives zero fucks, and that to me is a quality that I admire. She gives zero fucks, but she also gives the right fucks for the right things.

Like the met ball, she always follows the assignment. She's a good student. She's a good student when she needs to be, when it counts. Yes. Yeah. I think she's a lot smarter than people give her credit for. Oh, 100%. But that's

good too because then you're like you know you always know what people are gonna do yeah yeah you know what i mean you're never surprised never surprised because they think she's dumb they they think she's a dumb blonde yeah yeah yeah but she's not she's that's that's the thing about like i've said i think i've said this before but whenever anyone's like oh beyonce doesn't write her shit sorry oh rihanna doesn't write her shit yeah i'm like why are you saying that do you think she's stupid yeah no i was like no no yeah yeah i was like do you think she's stupid okay why yeah yeah ask yourself is this definitely not racial yeah because it probably is like i i think there's a lot of is this long island who is this uh i'm just saying like there's people out there that are like yeah there's no way that beyonce or

rihanna are involved in what they do creatively at all and i'm like why are you saying that it's like haters why could why could why are why is it not possible that they are it's also like katie perry can't can barely make it through a fucking interview too. It's like she skips every other syllable all the fucking time. And it's like you're not putting that on her. Right. I don't know. It's just, it's an interesting double standard. It's like, it's, it's, ooh.

That's a kernel. It is. Yeah. Because if you're too like Olivia Pope, they're like, she thinks she's bougie. Um, yeah. But if you're like Rihanna High on a fucking boat, they're like, she cray. She's an idiot. Yeah.

Yeah. Totally. Oh, it's so tough for us. I keep touching your knees. That's okay. No, they're like, she cray. Yeah, yeah, totally. It's so tough for us. I keep touching your knees. That's okay. No, I'm so sorry, Michelle. Touch each other. You're co-stars.

Get some hand sanitizer outside in the bathroom. Girl, bye. I truly, truly would never forget myself. You can't have Ebola on your knees, girl. What do you mean? I'm pissed all over my knee. No, I'm kidding. What? I love that you...

Speaking of pissing. Yes. So Nicole Byer had this great fucking quote at Lady Gaga because we had really good seats on the floor. Yes. And she's like, why are they punishing us for having money? Because we had to go like a very long way to get in the bullpen and then

it was just porta potties. The bullpen entrance was nuts. It was all over. Porta potties! You guys were in the bullpen? Yeah. Well, we were just, we had floor seats, but you had to go through the bullpen entrance and all the floor seats. Did you guys see each other? Oh, you were the other night. Yeah.

You were the nice weather night. I was the nice weather night. Yes. Yes. Thank God. So wait, that was you, Francesca, Sasheer, Nicole, and Mateo? Mateo and Lisa. And Lisa.

Lisa. Oh my God. That's such a, that's a dream group. Wow. It was really fun. Were you guys smoking weed on the floor? I had a little mushroom tea. Ooh.

And then I had a little hash pen. Yeah, word. I wish I had gone to this fucking concert. It was really great. It was hard to smoke, though, because the eight-year-old was next to me. Yeah, but who cares? I was really trying to blow it in her face. I mean, if you vape it.

Stop moving. Just a little bitch high. Oh, my God. Good for those eight-year-olds going to Gaga. You know what I don't get? What? People that try to get their dogs high. I'm like, leave the those eight-year-olds going to Gaga. You know what I don't get? What? People that try to get their dogs high. I'm like, leave the dog alone.

That's so unethical. Your dog just wants a treat. It doesn't want to be high. Yeah, your dog also doesn't know what the fuck's going on. If your dog wanted to get high, it'd be begging you for some weed. Yeah. Oh, that's shitty. Dogs beg.

I don't like that. You can do that to your dog. And also, have you ever seen the videos of the babies? This is crazy. But there's a video one time I saw online of a baby that like

had a nicotine addiction oh yeah from like the Philippines yeah and the baby was smoking the cigar like a fucking 45 year old woman

we had to write jokes about that fat baby on best week ever I did the research that was it really scared me and he like cried when you try to like

get the cigarettes yeah that was crazy the baby like had the whole fuck. It was so lived. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. A very lived in smoker.

Best week ever. When was that? Oh, it was like 2005. No. Well, it was like 2005 at first and then it came back for like 12, 13.

Were you there with Michelle Collins? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, you know, every, do you know Brian Foss and Josh with Michelle Collins? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Okay, so you know everyone. Do you know Brian Foss and Josh Love? Of course. Brian actually

wrote my segment Panties Off for me. Panties On, Panties Off. Nice. Oh my god, I love it. Brian Foss. He's the best. He's the fucking best. He is the best. He's the most boyish daddy. I haven't seen him in a while. I have too. I love him. Oh, I saw him a couple weeks ago. When I think of him, I think of bow tie.

I don't know why. I don't think he's ever worn a bow tie, but I think a bow tie. But he's a bow tie-ish guy. Yes. He's very clean cut. He's Bradley Cooper in Wedding Crashers. Oh my God, yeah. But nice. But nice.

I actually think that Bradley Cooper has never been hotter than he was in Wedding Crashers. Woo! Did you see him as the elephant man? Oh, he was naked in that. Oh, that dick. He had his dick out? Well, no, but I could see

through the linen pants. You peeped it. I haven't seen any good male celebs naked live. Clive Owen. That's hard. On Broadway.

Live? Like Daniel Radcliffe? I didn't even see Equus. I didn't even see the Daniel Radcliffe dick. Like you were looking for it? No, I didn't see it. Oh, okay.

I was like, it was hiding? Yeah, I need to seek this out a little bit more. Okay. Can I tell you, one time I saw Chris Pine in person, and I couldn't stop looking at him. I saw him, too, at Freeman's. He's crazy hot. He is very attractive, but he also just screams patriarchy.

So I'm like, okay, to me, yes. Very American psycho. I'm going to get my way no matter what. Really? Not that it's his own fault. I'm sure he's like

woke and wonderful. But yeah, but him, Zac, what's his face? Yes. Yeah, no thank you, Zac Efron. Also, he's too ripped for me now.

Yeah, he's too jacked up. Okay, let's move on to I Don't Think So, Honey. Let's do I Don't Think So, Honey. Okay. Great. It let's move on to I Don't Think So, Honey. Let's do I Don't Think So, Honey. Okay. Great. It's time. Now, I Don't Think So, Honey, which I guess as of tomorrow, if you're listening today, you can

listen to on our own channel. No, as of next week, next Wednesday, we're releasing. Yeah. Alright, so soon you can listen to it on our own channel. I feel like it's been two weeks, though. It's been like three. Anyway. Anyway, yeah, soon you can listen to it. You can also listen to it on Spoke anytime.

I don't think so, Honey Live. Michelle Buteau absolutely slays it. Lots of other comics are on there. Killing, killing, killing, killing, killing. And it's such a fun show. Murder. Murder. We hope to have another one very soon, you guys.

But with a twist. It's going to be really fun. But with a twist. Lemon or lime? Orange. Ah. An orange twist. Can you imagine?

Just dip the whole thing in. I wouldn't mind. I don't need an orange twist. Anyway. So, okay. This is I Don't Think It's Funny. This is our minute to rail against something

in culture or life which is just killing us and getting at us. And, uh, sometimes it stumps us, but I have a good one. Okay, you go first. Ooh. Okay. All right, so you're gonna set me up, bitch? Shit. Yes, yes, yes.

You're taking time off of me? Yes. Oh, yeah, one minute. We're the real deal. This is Matt Rodgers' I Don't Think So Honey. Time starts now. I Don't Think So Honey orange juice. Bitch, you are poison.

You are chock full of sugar and guess what if they try to tell you bitch that you should be drinking orange juice to flush out your system and get you well guess what you better hope

that part of your viral disease isn't canker sores because vitamin C and citrus acid is bad for your mouth and your canker sores will come roaring to life guess what

orange juice especially y'all with Pope, you think that you are natural, you think that you can offer it to children, you're killing the kids. 30 seconds. Because guess what? Those kids should be drinking water or milk.

Yes, I said milk. As an adult, don't drink the milk. You don't need it. As a kid, get your bones strong. But don't drink juice. Juice is poison. I learned it from Henry Kapersky. Also, he wants me to tell

everyone that he thought Taylor Swift was garbage well before everyone else he hasn't been listening to her for 5, 6, 7 years but he also hasn't been drinking orange juice and that's the point of this

I don't think so honey honey I'm never gonna drink orange juice again it made me sick orange juice you are the cause of my maladies

and that's one minute wow testify I got orange juice feeling bad about itself. There's never been a good OJ. That is... Ooh, the juice is loose. The juice is loose? The juice needs

to be locked up. All kinds of the juice. I'll go next. I have a similar one. Wow. Ooh. Okay, here we go. And, you know, this is I don't think so, honey. Time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Fucking lozenges. My throat has been... I'm sorry. This is a slow one, honey. Time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Fucking lozenges. My throat has been... I'm sorry. This is a slow one

because that's where my brain is at. I don't think so, honey. Lozenges because, look, you barely make my throat feel better. And the numbing ones, like, what am I, the fucking dentist's office? You're going to numb my whole mouth? No, I don't think so, honey. I have food to eat and I want to feel the texture and the mouthfeel

in my fucking mouth against my cheek against my molars. It's a sensory delight and you're taking that away from me and honey, I don't think so. I don't think so, honey. Lozenges, hauls, a fucking pep talk on every rapper. Bullshit.

It's all platitudes I've heard from the fucking secret or something. Just get, hire new writers. The anguish. Staff new writers. Get WGA on it. I want actual original pep talks from you on your rappers. I don't like these fucking cliche generic ones.

Five seconds, come on. I don't think so. Honey, sephical. Number one doctor recommended? No. Number one, me loathed. That's one minute. I'm sorry.

That was so long. No, I want to tell everyone something at home. You have to stand up out of your chair right now, wherever you are listening, and you have to give Bo Nyang a round of applause because that was really hard for you. Because I saw you struggling the whole time. And also Bo Nyang is-

Eyes were closed, trying to breathe. You dragged your ass out of the sick bed today to come here. And I have what you had, and I know that it's really bad. Don't lionize me. Okay. Well, thank you. Okay, fine, bitch. You suck.

That sucked. There you go. All right. So now, imagine establishing a legacy. Yes. Like Michelle did with her I Don't Think So Honey. And now it's all on the line. This is it.

This is Game of Thrones bitch every episode counts you might be Daenerys one week you might be you might be fucking Cersei the next wow okay alright so this is Michelle with toes I don't think so honey and time starts

now I don't think so honey motherfucker if you are invited to my house and don't bring something bitch you don't need to be honey, motherfucker, if you are invited to my house and don't bring something. What, bitch? You don't need to be a ghetto Martha Stewart to understand how fucking life works, motherfucker. I don't think so, honey, if you think I'm gonna be like Voila Davis in the help just trying to

fucking serve you and shit. I'm not trying to serve you, honey. Why are you going into my fruit basket acting like that's the food I cooked for your ass? I don't think so, honey. That shit is from Whole Foods made by a prisoner in the Bronx. And I paid extra money for that banana, motherfucker. 30 seconds.

Put it down. I don't think so, honey. If you're trying to get all my La Croix. Meanwhile, somebody else brought rosé. Drink the rosé, bitch. Now you want to make a fucking spritzer with my La Croix? I don't think so, honey. You got me acting like a fucking fool hiding cases of LaCroix

under my fucking couch like a crazy person because I'm trying to hide shit from my friends. I don't think so, honey, if you ain't bringing shit to my house because this is how you make a bitch crazy and unfriend a bitch on Facebook. Oh! Oh my god. That's one minute. Voila!

LaCroix. That's your drag name. Actually, it's Dick Lexie. I'm dyslexic. But thank you. Oh, my God. My drag name is Voila La Croix. That is, that's legendary. I can't believe Voila Davis.

Voila Davis. That was really good. That was amazing. And it might even, I don't know if it tops Despacito. It's up there. It's up there. You're legendary. You're a legend, Michelle.

Thank you. I have a lot of feelings in order to put them. And this has been a really wonderful episode of West Club Recess and everyone's going to gag. And I thank you so much

for coming out here. Stop, I'm gonna press you. You're so sweet. No, you're the best and loved you for years and will love you till I die. Till the end of time. Don't die.

I will love this bitch until my dying day. That is something true. That is something true. When I'm laying down in my grave, you will look down at me and on my shirt it will say Michelle Buteau.

Wait in the water. My name is Thomas Blunt. My name is Thomas Blunt My name is Greg Flork Just kidding

Both our names are Emma And That's Michelle Buteau Iconic Oh my god Hit her up on social Now listen I think it's Buteau

And not Buteau I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry What is it for everyone For definitive It's whatever the fuck You want it to be

No Facebook me And there you go Facebook friend her She's asking for it On a mass scale Thank you What is it for everyone? For definitive. It's whatever the fuck you want it to be. No, no. Facebook me. And there you go. Facebook friend her. She's asking for it on a mass scale. Thank you. What?

Who doesn't? Bye. See you at White Cat. Forever. Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Bohm. For more podcasts, please visit foreverdogproductions.com. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty and I'm the host of On Purpose.

My latest episode is with Jelly Roll. This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. I was a desperate delusional dreamer. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate delusional dreamer. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez was found off the coast of Florida. And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba? Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him.

Or stay with his relatives in Miami? Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. And we are super excited to tell you about our new show, Dudes on Dudes. We're spilling all the behind-the-scenes stories, crazy details, and honestly, just having a blast talking football. Every week, we're discussing our favorite players of all times, from legends to our buddies to current stars. We're finally answering the age-old question. What kind of dudes are these dudes?

We're going to find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Cheryl Swoops. And I'm Tarika Foster-Brasby. And on our new podcast, we're talking about the real obstacles women face day to day. Because no matter who you are, there are levels to what we experience as women.

And T and I have no problem going there. Listen to Levels to This with Cheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster-Brasby, an iHeart Women's Sports production and partnership with deep blue sports and entertainment. You can find us on the I heart radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast presented by capital one founding partner of I heart women's sports.