Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang - "Tragical" (w/ Jo Firestone)

Episode Date: September 27, 2017

A podcast FEAST! The one-and-only JO FIRESTONE, one of my favorite comedians of all time, joins Matt and Bowen to talk the power of Demi Lovato, the horrors of catering, and the nuisance of not having a butt. Bowen shares his (bizarre) love of airplane food, and Matt hilariously rails against a homophobic woman on the subway. Everyone sings and sounds GREAT, obviously. And perhaps I'm biased but I just have to say - it's another instant classic. Write this one up Splitsiderrrr cause if this isn't "the podcast of the week," I don't know what is. - HPJLAS CULTURISTAS HAS A PATREON! For $5/month, you get exclusive access to WEEKLY Patreon-ONLY Las Culturistas content!!https://www.patreon.com/lasculturistasCONNECT W/ LAS CULTURISTAS ON FACEBOOK & TWITTER for the best in "I Don't Think So, Honey" action, updates on live shows, conversations with the Las Culturistas community, and behind-the scenes photos/videos:www.facebook.com/lasculturistastwitter.com/lasculturistasLAS CULTURISTAS IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttp://foreverdogproductions.com/fdpn/podcasts/las-culturistas/ Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City are back. I love that. I love that. Oh my gosh. Welcome. And last season's drama was just the tip of the iceberg. You're recording us? I am disgusted.

Never in a million years after everything we've been through did I think that you would reach out to our sworn enemy. We were friends. How could you do this to me? I don't trust her. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Wednesdays at nine on Bravo or stream it on City TV Plus. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll. This episode is one of the most honest and raw

interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. I was a desperate delusional dreamer. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate delusional dreamer. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one.

I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. And we are super excited to tell you about our new show, Dudes on Dudes. We're spilling all the behind-the-scenes stories, crazy details, and honestly, just having a blast talking football. Every week, we're discussing our favorite players of all times, from legends to our buddies to current stars. We're finally answering the age-old question,

what kind of dudes are these dudes? We're going to find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season. Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez was found off the coast of Florida.

And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba? Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or stay with his relatives in Miami? Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Las Culturistas is brought to you by the Forever Dog Podcast Network. Find us and other great podcasts at www.foreverdogpodcast.com. And if you're loving what you're hearing, subscribe to us at Apple Podcasts.

And while you're there, please write us a nice review and give us a five-star rating. Thank you all. Thank you all. Ding dong, Las Culturistas calling. Well, cluck, cluck, cluck. Cluckity, cluck, cluck. A couple of chickens walking in this little pen to cluck it up. I feel like a goddamn chicken.

You know why? Why, bitch? Because I feel cooped up. Because you feel cooped up. Well, fly open the coop and start half flying out of it. Because you know chickens, they don't really fly as much as they flap their wings and simply float off the ground. For fleeting moments, they can fly. And isn't that kind of wonderful to think, you know,

the chicken, they can't possibly have a very long memory span. So they remember lifting off the ground and realizing they can fly, and then surely they forget what's just happened. And there is, of course, the flip side to that, which is the crushing

fear, which must the crushing fear, which must be coming to your senses and plummeting to the ground. Yeah, 100%. I do want to say, and not to play devil's advocate, but there are some chickens out there. My late grandmother used to run a farm

and used to raise chickens, and she was very good at that, at raising chickens. But one rooster pecked her in the ankle and she bled and she had a horrible wound and then you know what that night she killed the chicken she killed the rooster cooked it for dinner we all eat it isn't that beautiful that's tragical tragical now that brings me to a story okay the word tragical brings me to a story tragical is not a word

but uh it might be i had to pretend it was a word when I was in high school. I was a lowly busboy at a restaurant called Nicky's on the Bay. Yes. In Bayshore, Long Island, New York. And the boss's daughter... Now, was this the boss that you had sex with on a boat? No, no. I had sex with his son.

Oh, my God. He took my virginity. His name was Peter. No! It okay not okay um uh our guest is uh so anyway so uh yeah so this is actually the the guy who took my virginity's sister okay that was the guy's the the restaurant's daughter yeah of course and she was literally always pregnant from the six years that i worked there as a busboy or like five or six years she was literally always pregnant. From the six years that I worked there as a busboy, or like five or six years, she literally was always pregnant. I never saw her not pregnant.

She was like that woman who's always pregnant. Okay. And there had been some really terrible news story, and she comes in, and we were all talking about it, and she was like, are you talking about this? Oh my God, it's tragical.

It is so tragical. It's tragical. And she kept repeating it, almost like, it was like comic the way she kept repeating it because it was so not a word and everyone knew it. Right, right. Like you would say it's a tragedy or it's tragic, not it's tragical.

I mean, here's the- But she kept repeating it and oh boy, it was funny. I do want to just, and I don't mean to correct you, tragical is in fact a word according to the dictionary. What is the definition? It's just like how ironical is a word, but you wouldn't really use it in place. Yes, 100% I guarantee.

I mean, is it like how bootylicious is a word? No. Because it became like a thing in Popsi? You guys, please please culturistas listeners chime in because i mean you can just fact check this it's pretty discreet yeah mention it in your rate of review mention it oh yeah mention it in your review guys um you know it's not tragical the fact that our guest is here with us tonight it is not tragical in fact it's a triumph it's a triumph it's a triumphal oh let's a triumphal. Oh, let's go through

the credits, baby. Yeah, let's do it. Okay, and God, you know what? The credits... We're talking to you, God. ...are an embarrassment of riches.

Dear God. Here we go. She's got her Comedy Central half hour September 29th. It's going to be fantastic. Which, guess what? It's like this week.

It's this week? Yeah. And you might have seen clips of it on Comedy Central's socials? It's like this week. It's this week, and you might have seen clips of it on Comedy Central's socials. It's so funny already, I can't wait to watch. And her album she just recorded

at Union Hall for two performances. Wow. She's got lots of options to cut around. Cut together the best. Not to say that both nights weren't the best, but you know what? It's really good to have options. It was the same night, but it was different shows. Even if you're a famous stand-up like Kevin Hart or Amy Schumer. You need those options, honey.

And she's, of course, a phenomenal writer on The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon. Performer, too. Performer. You've seen her star turns as Miss Backup Ohio, Betsy DeVos. I mean, God, Run, Don't Walk. Look those up So funny

And of course She is She was the erstwhile host Of Dr. Game Show On WFMU But now it's making A glorious return On Earwolf

We're so excited It's truly one of the most Fantasmical Tragic Non-tragical Triumphal podcast Non-tragical Also you've probably

Just seen And known our guest From being like True New York Like live show icon Queen of New York Queen of New York As Josh Sharp would call her also you've probably just seen and known our guest from being like true new york like live show icon queen of new york queen of new york as josh sharp would call her and she refuses the title and that's how you know guys please welcome joe firestone thank you oh wow jojo this is a joyous moment i think that was really a build-up um yeah i just did i wanted to mention you had a restaurant story i had a restaurant story i had a

restaurant story go on i used to work in a restaurant and um there was this guy there that was a cook and he was like so gross the worst and he was dating the hostess but he would like grab us and touch us all the time because the hostess didn't know what was happening in the kitchen oh no and he was like just like this really bad guy, and he was always drunk. He just was a gross guy. And one time, he was really skinny everywhere except for he had a belly. He had skinny arms, skinny legs, skinny head, skinny neck, big belly. Yeah, you know what that is?

Alcohol. Yeah, well. And so then one of the waiters was like, Hey, man, why do you got a skinny body but just like a big fat belly? And he goes, you don't want to know his comeback? His comeback was at midnight, this pumpkin turns into a big old dick. So the logic there is my stomach turns into a cock You fucking asshole Ask another question bitch

I don't know Can you imagine the anamorphs Also midnight like it's some Cinderella story At midnight each night My belly turns into a dick That's It's possible He really zinged it in for a laugh there each night my belly turns into a dick. That's... Oh, what a zinger. It's possible.

He really zinged it in for a laugh there. Good for him. Restaurants are gross places. They're really gross. Literally everything about them gross. The people that work there, gross. Gross. The things that happen with the food behind the scenes, gross.

So gross. I remember when I was a caterer, I used to eat the... eat the... people's wedding nights, and I was acting like a rat, you know, just shoveling any kind of hot hors d'oeuvres. Hot hors d'oeuvres. But you know what?

Weddings, I'm going to say pretty hit or miss with the food. Oh, they're always miss. When have you had a hit? I'm going to say, and she might be listening to this. No. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

I was going to say my sister's wedding. Oh, shit. Some of the hors d'oeuvres were, I was a little underwhelmed, but then the entrees were, the main courses were delicious. See, I feel like it's the opposite most of the time. Oh, okay. The hors d'oeuvre, that's where they really put care into it. The entree, it's just a slot bucket.

It's just a slot bucket. Okay. You know what always crushes it for me? The cocktail party when the girls and the guys are walking around with the trays. Oh, yeah. And they're like, little hot meatball? And you're like, absolute. And they're like, little pig in a blanket?

And you're like, 100p. Like, always nailing it with, like, the things that are being carried around on trays. And then when you sit down, people always fail to keep it simple. And this is so funny because it's actually rule number 38 of culture which is keep at weddings keep it simple okay the problem is though that by the time you sit down at a wedding you've eaten like six the equivalent of six hot dogs yeah that's true but here's the thing always it's like would you like the boule base or the fucking steak a la carte or whatever it's never like

what I'm saying is you gotta do your chicken or fish that's it bitch that's why you know what I will defend airplane food till the day I fucking die in what sense because they keep it simple

and they keep it fresh what airline are they don't. And they keep it fresh. No, they don't. What airline are you flying? I want to bump up to that. Honestly, you guys, honest to goodness, and we're speaking to God right now. This is for you, God. Korean Airlines, they have make your own bibimbap. No, they don't. Where do you make it?

They give you a bowl of rice. No, they don't. They give you the toppings and the sauces and the gochujang, and you mix it yourself, and it's like a fucking Chipotle burrito bowl in the sky, baby, and it's delicious. Korean Airlines, go to Korea. Well, okay, so let me walk this back.

They give you the ingredients that you're to use. It's like make your own meal, and you don't have to put everything in it. Oh, I guess that's true. That's true, And I will always love a disgusting beef meal in an aluminum tray on an airplane. See, I don't know. I feel like I'm at

war. Honestly, maybe it's just because I've literally never been served real food on an airplane. You know, sometimes they do make it hot. That's what I'm saying. I like the hot food. It's so hot to the point where it's not supposed to be eaten yet, but you eat it because your senses are off because you're in the sky.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get that, like, your brain starts to melt, and you're like, I eat this. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Like, people in airports at, like, 4 in the morning, they'll be eating, like, a pizza. Because it's just like, why are you eating that? Why are you eating combos at 4 in the morning? They're like like a pizza because it's just like why are you eating that why are you eating combos they're like i don't know yeah it's breakfast i don't it doesn't make any sense what's the longest flight you've been on i don't know i

don't go in long i don't know if i've been on a long have you been to europe ever yeah i guess i've been to europe well i would consider that must be must be europe must be must be europe must be europe i gotta say uh eight say 8, 9, 10 hours. 10 hours. 10 hours. That was when we went to, what was that, babe? Right, France, right? It was France.

Yeah, I'm not saying it the cool way. France or whatever. France is why I say it. When I was a caterer, I used to serve these things that were very popular. And they didn't realize, I guess they didn't realize, but they named them chicken blue balls. And it was like a chicken cordon bleu bite. Oh, my God.

Chicken blue balls. Let me tell you something they knew. They knew, Joe. Don't give them that. Now, I want to ask, because I feel like your catering past life is so woven into your tapestry, into your history, Jo. Please don't say that. And so tell us, would you ever consider revisiting it in a show?

Never, never. Okay, all right. A show? Like party down? Like would you create a show? A show around? A one-woman show? No, no, no.

Oh, don't do a one-woman show. Like Jesse Tyler Ferguson did? No, no, no, no. Oh, don't do a one-woman show. Like Jesse Tyler Ferguson did. Well, no, I mean. But Jo is so inventive with her show premises. Oh, no, we can't do a catering show. I remember one time I got a text. I was at a catering job, and I hated catering so much because they always put me on bathroom duty. What?

Just because of my personality. What's bathroom duty at a catering job? Cleaning them up. No. Because of your personality. What does that mean? Weak. They find the weak people and they say, do the worst thing. And you go, okay.

Listen, the thing is about catering, I remember one time I got a text. No, I got a Facebook message. And it was, hey, congratulations. And I thought that it wasn't that I tried out for anything or applied for anything, but I thought that I had got my big break.

And I thought that I could just run out of there, like rip off my uniform, run out the door. And I found out it was to someone else. Oh my god. It wasn't going to be anything. Are you at liberty to say to out it was to someone else. Oh, my God. It wasn't going to be anything. Are you at liberty to say to who it was meant to go to or from who it was sent? I think it was from this comedian named Tyler, and I forget who it was to.

I don't have the archives anymore without Facebook. I have it delete after two weeks, my text. What? Yeah. Really? To save room and also like to forget. Even like with Bowen? With addresses?

Unfortunately, yeah. That's fine. But that's probably one of the reasons why I have to sleep and save room is because me and her go back and forth. And let me say. And forth and back, honey. And forth and back. And forth and back. Back and forth and forth and back.

That's rule number. 70. Yeah. When you text, you better go back and forth. And forth and back that's rule number 70 yeah when you text you better go back and forth and forth and back but no i was i was i almost to and fro for the kids i almost did that today because i was trying to save up room on my phone and i was like should i just do that setting should i just make the leap you won't miss the old text i know because i never i never go back for posterity you know but maybe you will But I want to get into this with Joe. Joe.

What? I think for some reason your absence on Facebook is the most felt for me. And I'm constantly, as more time, no, stop, let me finish. Okay, okay. As time and time passes, as time passes and passes. Time and time. As time, as passes time. As time and time passes.

To and fro. I believe I miss Joe. I go... Is that a real song? And then I... It could be. It could be. I go, Joe...

As time and time passes, I believe I miss Joe. Oh, I thought it was, I believe in Miss Joe. Like, she's a fortune teller. No, as time and time passes, I believe I miss Joe. Right, right, right, right. I'm so sorry. And then the hook is, on Facebook, on Facebook, hey. Oh, so you rhyme Facebook with Facebook?

Yeah, because let me tell you something about pop music nowadays. It's all so simple. Keep it simple. It's so simple. I had a dream I was sipping whiskey neat. That's all you got to say for a whole song? You know what? Absolutely. I had a dream I was sipping whiskey neat That's all you gotta say for a whole song You know what absolutely I had a dream

Put a thumping beat under that I had a dream I was sipping whiskey neat What literal melody Did we just do I'm sorry not sorry You heard that one I love that song It's screaming Screaming like an eagle heard that one. I love that song. And that's her! That's her! I love that song.

It's screaming. Screaming like an eagle. That's what she does. Screaming eagle Demi Lovato. She gets notes every two hours, that Demi. It's amazing

that she can still sing. She will shoot out her chords in the next year. You don't think it would have happened already? She had this song on her last album

called For You and she, God, and do it. There's just one part. And she, God, didn't do it. Well, there's just one part. I mean, like the chorus itself is, For you! Which is nuts.

But then up to the bridge, she goes fucking insane. And she goes, and so the chorus ends with, Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da. And then in the second time she does the chorus, she ends it with, Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da.

No! It is stressful to listen to it's so bad there was a song called Stone Cold that she did live on Saturday Night Live and it was like and she's whiffing her tits off like so so high and it was like everyone was like, everyone was like, and Facebook afterwards was,

Josh Sharp afterwards was like, Demi, fuck you. She was screaming her little ass. She was squelching her ass. But I do love Demi, and guess what? That song is so good. Sorry, not sorry. It's really good. It's really good, and whenever I have to do ass. But I do love Demi, and guess what? That song is so good. Sorry Not Sorry? It's really good. It's really good, and whenever I have to do something stressful, I listen to Demi.

Oh, it's so good. Got me feeling so bad. Got me feeling so good. Do you know, like, the beat comes in and out of Sorry Not Sorry? No, that's not true. What? Yeah. Reveal when this happens. When it's like, when the man comes in. Which man?

It's like, baby, I was so, do you know what I'm talking about? No. Okay, wait, how does the beginning go? It's like, I look good. What is it? Oh, wait. The beginning of the song? It's like, baby, I'm a baby.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. See, now I'm out here looking like this man. I'm a baby, I'm a baby, I'm a baby. Ooh. I'm such a baby. When does the beat go? I was getting paid for the baby,

but this one, it gets worse. Wait a minute. Oh! She's right. The beat goes out. Wait a minute. The beat goes out during wait a minute. Cause he has to say wait a minute. That goes out during wait a minute because he has to say

wait a minute that's so true Joe I'm so sorry I regretted you it's okay we should never have done that we should never we should never have done that

we should never have done that we never did Joe let's ask we're going to ask you what we ask all of our guests yeah because now I'm really interested I've always been interested

I wasn't before I've always been interested in Joe's cultural upbringing and Joe the question we will ask you is, what was the culture that made you say cultures? For me, I want to step in a cultural direction.

Truly formative. So I wasn't really allowed to watch many movies growing up. We're allowed to rent a movie once every two weeks. Yes! This is because why? We didn't have cable. My dad just didn't think it was worth it. Okay.

And so my brother would always choose Death Becomes Her. why? We didn't have cable. I don't know. My dad just didn't think it was worth it. Okay. My brother would always choose Death Becomes Her. Thank God. I watched that over and over again. Then, but I got to go over to my friend Adina's house and we watched over there. We watched. We alternated between Rocky Horror Picture Show and Blue Lagoon, which is where we saw our first penis.

Oh my God. There's a full penis in it. Blue Lagoon. Is that with Brooke Shields? Yes. And Mr. Feeny. Can I tell you something? By the time this episode releases... Tomorrow? So... It's not something you guys can come to now because it'll already have happened

when you guys hear this, but I'm like the sidekick for a night late with Brooke Shields. And I've never met Brooke Shields. I don't know what's about to happen. But you're going to have to riff off of her. Riff with her. How did she choose you?

I don't think she did. I think I was suggested by someone that. She must have. No way. I think she might have chosen you too. She must have chosen you because she must have. Here's what happened, I bet. Okay, because celebrities, you know, they like to pick.

But I think what happened is that the producers at ILA were like, you could choose this person, this person, and this person. Here are their videos. Okay. And she was like, I'm in love with Matt Rush. Because you know she had to feel passionately for you to be. Yes, I agree. All right, well, the first question I'll ask her tomorrow is,

hi, why me? I thought it was going to be, have you seen my work? Why me? I think you're going to become, have you seen my work? Why me? I think you're going to become best friends. You're going to get free Latisse. Honestly. Latisse. I will make it my goal to befriend her.

I think it can happen. I will try to get her on the pod. You're going to get her on the pod. Get her on the pod. Oh my God. Can you imagine if we interviewed Brooke Shields? Of Blue Lagoon. Oh my God.

Spin City. Spin City. Wait, she wasn't.oon. Oh, my God. Spin City? Spin City. Wait, she wasn't. No. What was she on? What was the show that was like? It was the same set. They shared the set.

Oh, God. I really should know this. It wasn't news radio. No. No. Oh, God. We're so off. David Spade was a boss.

Just Shoot Me. Just Shoot Me. No, she wasn't on that. Oh, shoot. Oh, God. We were such bad. Suddenly Seymour. Suddenly Susan? That's it. Suddenly Susan. Okay. I mean, Blue Lagoon.

Suddenly Susan. She's Susan. Lipstick Jungle. Wait, I feel bad because it feels like fate that you said that because that's literally happening tomorrow so I had to mention it. But anyway, I'll let you guys know how it goes please do um but continue so you would go over and you'd watch rocky har and blue lagoon rotationally and you would be also frequently watching death becomes yes and so i watched these movies over and over and over and would you like get something

out of them every time or was it just like something that just it became so ingrained into your memory that's me out of it every time. Every time. Amazing. What were those things you got out of it? Like different understandings of what the penis was. Yes. And different understandings of sexuality. Right.

Because it was just like, because I remember it was like, at first we were like really afraid of Rocky Horror Picture Show. And then we were like, we understand Rocky Horror Picture Show. And we're, you know. So are you a kind of person, are you the kind of rocky horror person who will go to a screening have you been to them i have only been one screening but i liked it a lot i i like those screenings where people engage yeah you know did you dress up no i'm not a big fan of costumes but i i understand why other people like them right you know what i miss i miss the room screenings i feel like they don't do that anymore.

Yeah, they don't do that. They were doing that for a while, like three years ago. Yeah, they were happening a lot. They even did that. We were in college, too. We were in college, and they did them,

but I would go freshman year. It was very funny. It was so funny. The first time is always so funny, and then the second time, you're like, I know what's happening, and the third time,

you're like, I gotta go. Yeah, you can. But have you guys heard about the new movie, The Disaster Artist, that James Franco directed? So he plays Tommy Wiseau. What? Yeah, oh, this is about you guys heard about the new movie, The Disaster Artist, that James Franco directed? So he plays Tommy Wiseau.

What? Yeah. Oh, this is about to come out. And apparently it's hilarious. Really? So it's a biopic, essentially, of Tommy Wiseau and his creating of The Room. Maybe the biopic is the wrong word. It's a depiction of the creation of The Room.

Yeah. And James Franco plays Tommy Wiseau. Dave Franco plays Greg Sest sester who's like the best friend who's in the movie and i think allison brie is also in it um who's the hilarious actress who plays the blonde girl in the movie she also was in um brook shields no i feel bad i'm gonna find out who she is later and i'll say but she's amazing Ari Greiner oh okay Ari Greiner um and like lots of cameos too yeah

so um gotta have cameos but apparently it just premiered at like I guess the Toronto International Film Festival and like

it was like a huge hit like everyone thought it was the most hilarious thing ever I can't wait to see it um but

I just just to get back to Joe's culture um now has this informed how would you say I can't wait to see it but just to get back to Joe's culture now has this informed how would you say this has informed you now as an adult an adult

an adult I think that I like I used to another culture I used to really enjoy I used to want to I used to want to own a candy shop. That's what I wanted to do when I grew up. Either that or celebrity psychiatrist.

And I realized I just wanted to do something that was frivolous. Candy does kind of hurt people, but I just wanted to do something that was like made people feel good in this little room yeah and i guess that's kind of what i try to do now even though sometimes i get a little angrier now i think stand-up comedy has brought out an edge in me that makes me hateful and uh scared of people no it rounds you out i would say it rounds out the other facets of your personality. Maybe. Because, you know, you balance out the joy making in a small room with the hatefulness. I guess so. I do find it's made me become a bad person. I've never seen you ever once be hateful or angry.

I agree. I have. I've seen you get flustered. I've never even seen you get flustered. I'm always flustered. I'm flustered right now. But I was at a show in L.A. And I was in L.A.

And I was saying a joke. And it was like a sex joke. And nobody was laughing. And I was like, I said the words, what, are y'all virgins? And I thought, what's happening to me? And you believed that you should say that in the moment. In the moment I was like, I know what'll get them. And it's like, what the hell?

What if they are virgins? Maybe they're waiting for something. Yeah. What if it's a religious group coming in, wanting to see comedy for the first time. They sit in the front row and I said, what are y'all, virgins? And they were like, yeah. We are.

We're waiting for the love of our life, Joe. I think it just made me turn into a bad person. Do you think comedy's made you guys bad people? Yes. I think it's exposed me to horrors. Yeah. If anything, comedy has just flipped my own underbelly up. So I'm seeing

parts of myself I don't like. Yeah, maybe it's not that it's turning you bad, but it exposes... It's like when you lift up the drain cover and you're like, oh my god, that's where the animals live. Right. Costumes, we wear fashion. And below deck sailing. You broke the rules. And now you're here getting upset. Watch all new seasons on Bravo or stream it on City TV+.

Let's have a real good time. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, a five-year-old boy floated alone in the ocean. He had lost his mother trying to reach Florida from Cuba. He looked like a little angel. I mean, he looked so fresh. And his name, Elian Gonzalez, will make headlines everywhere. Elian Gonzalez.

Elian Gonzalez. Elian. Elian. Elian Gonzalez. At the heart of the story is a young boy and the question of who he belongs with. His father in Cuba. Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home

and he wanted to take his son with him. Or his relatives in Miami. Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. At the heart of it all is still this painful family separation. Something that as a Cuban, I know all

too well. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story as part of the My Cultura podcast network available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. Guess what, folks? We're teammates again. And we're going to welcome you guys all to Dudes on Dudes. I'm a dude, you're a dude, a dude and dudes on dudes is our brand new show

we're gonna highlight players peers guys that we played against legends from the past and we're just gonna sit here and talk about them and we'll get into the types of dudes what kind of types of dudes are there girls we got studs wizards we got freaks or dudes dude we got dogs dog we'll break down their games we'll share some insider stories and determine what kind of dude each of these dudes are is randy moss a stud or a freak is tom brady a dog or dudes dude we're gonna find out jules new episodes drop every thursday during the nfl season listen to dudes on dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and I'm the host of On Purpose.

My latest episode is with Jelly Roll. This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. We talk about guilt, shame, body image, and huge life transformations. I was a desperate delusional dreamer and the

desperate part got me in a lot of trouble. I encourage delusional dreamers. Be a delusional dreamer. Just don't be a desperate delusional dreamer. I just had such an anger. I was just so mad at life. Everything that wasn't right was everybody's fault but mine. I had such a victim mentality. I took zero accountability for anything in my life. I was the kid that if you asked what happened, I immediately started with everything but me. It took years for me to break that, like years of work. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. Well, I guess to be totally

serious about it, it's like what's funny is the truth, and the truth is not always a cool thing to find out about yourself or other people and stuff like that. And I would imagine working in late night right now is frustrating because you have to react to a lot of truth, and truth

is bad. So much truth. The truth right now is bad. you have to react to a lot of truth and truth is bad so much truth the truth right now is bad i know there's like only one news story every day that's like whale escapes from zoo and it's like the rest of it is horrifying yeah yeah yeah and even the whale escaping from the zoo could have dire consequences i mean what's the whale state of mind who's around where did it escape to like did it escape to someplace worse? There's so many questions. Right? There's no, there's not.

I mean, maybe there was never fun news. Maybe there was never, ever fun news. That actually is comforting. No. I remember as a kid, as a kid, when I would watch the news, they'd be like, nothing, like, no crime, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they'd be like, oh, just so you know, there's razors in your soup and in your noodles and in your cookies. And it's like, oh, even if there isn't something to be afraid of, the news will be like, there's something to be afraid of.

But right now there is. Even razors in your soup is like, oh, I'll take that. I know. I'd rather take that for sure. Can I rather there be a guarantee that if you order a soup, there's a razor than have Trump? Yeah. I'd rather have a razor filled soup. Oh, for sure can i'd rather there be a guarantee that if you order a soup there's a razor than have trump yeah i'd rather have a razor filled soup oh for sure for all of eternity can i say something and this is yes this is a joe memory and um i feel like you know years from now we'll remember the people we were with uh the day of the election the day after the election and i would extend that to the week of the election and the the week of the election, I was supposed to,

I went on Joe's, now, May She Rest, her show, Dedications at WFMU. It was very fun. I was very excited to do it. And then on November 8th,

November 9th, Trump got elected, but I was still supposed to go in the following week. And Joe was just like, hey, it's just going to be really rough. But come in anyway. I think I'm going to make this show all Celine Dion songs. And I was like, you know what?

It was one of the first moments in the week, or in the aftermath, that I was like, okay. There are still these little touchstones, like Celine, like Joe, like her ded dedications and so we went on we did we did all celine songs people called in um a couple people i think justin linville called in and was like genuinely scared about what the election meant and we and

joe and i just had to be like had to like toe the line between being like fun and silly and talking about silly things but also like oh but the world is really bad and that was just like freshly like the world is bad and like i feel like now is really bad and that was just like freshly like the world is bad and like I feel like now like whenever someone says that it's like yeah of course it is but back then

yeah mid-November was like a cool novel thing to say but anyway but Joe was the beacon and Celine was the beacon that's not how

I would have handled that okay I would have said to that person calling in scared I would have said well that's not what this fucking show is

we're picking our favorite Celine Dion songs, so I'm sorry that you're scared. Especially if it's a member of the comedy community, you'll see again. Yeah, it's just like, I'm sorry that you're afraid. I mean, this is not what the show is, and we do have so much time, so Justin, I don't know. Oh, man.

But here's a question. I'm sorry. Kisses to Justin. Did you guys hear that Justin once flew to... He flew to the Dallas-Fort Worth Airport because he was craving Whataburger, which is a burger chain in the South. You've got to be kidding. But he gets free flights because his mother works for one of the airlines.

And so he gets free flights, and he was really craving Whataburger. And Joe told me this story, and it was shocking. You flew back the same day? The same day, after the meal. My dad once, we were in an all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant outside of Orlando. You could have all-you-can-eat lobster tails. And we were having such a good time that my dad said you know what it's almost worth it

to fly here for this and fly back it's almost worth it and he was fully convinced we never did it but I was like I wanted to really push him on it I was like yeah if you say let's fucking do it let's come down next

Thursday night. Is your dad as good energy as you? He's good energy. Rich is good energy. He is, I would say, the better energy is my mother. They're both good energy. But my dad's good energy. I would say my dad, his temper and frustrations can act up in a way that my mothers do not sure my mother has like i think out of the 365 days a year i think she's got has like four or five bad

days whoa she she's a very kind of resilient positive person and my dad i see get like frustrated and his temper gets the better of him more than my mother yeah Yeah. But he is 8 out of 10 days, or 9 out of 10 days in a good mood, I think. But there's moments during the day where it's like, what do you mean this is happening? That's ridiculous. He came up to me one time and said,

I'm not going to do his voice. He goes, Bowen, your instagram is really is really something else you're out of your goddamn mind and i was like you're right in your goddamn mind one time he saw my he saw our friend dave mazzoni and we had just done a promotional picture for pop roulette and on the back of it you saw dave's butt and my dad to dave's face goes that's a big ass you got a big ass you don't think about it when you see it and it would not out but then yeah i got a big ass and i saw dave's eyes just like i saw him like just like pass out

speaking of asses speaking of asses and this is something I literally thought of today, Joe, and I didn't even put this, just connect the dots that I was seeing you tonight. But I put on some underwear. I felt my ass and I was like, I think I'm like Joe Firestone in that I don't have an ass either. Joe has a joke in her half hour about her not having a butt, which I don't think is necessarily true. I don't have a butt. I don't think it having a butt, which I don't think is necessarily

true. I don't have a butt. I don't think it's like a flat, I don't think it's a straight drop. It is a flat. No, it's not. It's a flat, and then my leg's indent. So, like, that's how you know. But the indent means that there's something there. No, it's like the residue from my back. Like, the back extends

and maybe it's some kind of tail memory. And then it goes. Tail memory. It's like a cliff that goes into the. Oh, my God. I don't think so. Like I have two dimensions to my body and it's back and leg.

But I'm sorry that you don't have a butt. It's really, butts are in right now. How do you deal with it? I don't know. I was thinking about getting those pants that, not your mama's jeans, you know? These aren't your mama's jeans. These aren't your flat-ass mama's jeans, let me tell you. You know your mom with that flat ass and her stupid jeans?

These aren't those. Is there padding? Yeah, I think it's like the way it's stitched. It's like really tight, you know, in some places. Not like your mom. Fucking loose-ass, dumb stitches. I feel like it must press the cheeks apart. Like there must be a lot of fabric.

So you do silent farts. Yes. We all know the trick. That's never worked for me. You pull them apart and it's just like a fucking ghost. No, but if you're trying to be discreet and fart silently, why would you take both of your hands and pull apart your butt? I don't know.

I do it literally all the doodah day. No, where? That's why no one ever hears me. But where are you? Are you in public? Yeah. In front of crowds of thousands. You don't take your hands and fly your butt cheeks apart.

I do. No, you don't. When hands and fly your butt cheeks. I do. No, you don't. When I'm at work, I go, hold on, everyone. No. So you sing, but you won't fart. So it's very clear you're farting no matter what. No, I don't think it's clear. I think I get away with it each time.

But Matt's also working with different equipment. Matt has a very, I would say, globular ass. I think I've seen it on Instagram. Yes. You're out of your goddamn mind. Have I shown it on Instagram? I think you've taken almost nude pictures. I've taken some almost nude pictures,

not because of, like, a vain thing, because I think it's funny. It's very funny. You really do the funny. Funny sexy. Because it it's also like yeah he's like it's like this is a good picture you know what i mean but it's also like you know he knows he knew he had a good picture before this is for us i think that yeah this is for us globular does not sound like a good thing but i'll take it like globes like a little like a little I'll take it. Like a globe. Like a little. Like a globe. Like a little. Honestly, it's not not there.

I will say this is a new, this is new lexicon for the listeners out there. Matt famously refers to his ass as his world. No, my hole is my world. His hole is his world. Like if you're ever going to show someone, if anyone ever is going to go down there and, you know, see it or do things to it, I say, you show them your world. You invite them into your world.

Or he'll say, I'm about to show you my world. And then he takes his pants down and splits his feet. And then I'll simply raise my legs high like Lady Liberty holds a torch and spread them wide. Hold on, you're holding your leg so up in the right hand?

Yeah, like that. Yes, he's doing it now. Oh, he's doing it now. It really does look like Lady Liberty. It's beautiful. What if it's slowly turning into green metal? Your poor, your huddled asses. Oh. Um.

Get me your poor, your huddled asses. It's like such a shock that that would be the next word. That's what it says, really. No one's actually looked at her little book. Her little book. Everyone's like, that's what it says on her little book. Her little black book. Who do you think is in the Stat little book. Her little black book. Her little black book.

Who do you think is in the Statue of Liberty's little black book? Carrie and all the guys she slept with. Oh. Who? Who, who, who? You know.

Thomas Jefferson. I think she fucked the Stonehenges. I think she fucked the Colossus of Rhodes. Oh, no, Mom. Rushmore Boys. She fucked

the Rio de Janeiro Jesus. This is bad. I want to listen to Joe just talking in this masculine accent. The shiny Andy Warhol. The shiny. She fucked the Easter Island guys. Those horses. Those big heads. Those horses at Eastern Parkway.

Yeah, yeah. She fucked the... What horses at eastern parkway yeah yeah she fucked up where where horses on eastern parkway there are you know those um

by the brooklyn museum yeah and it's like that big arch yes oh yes the grand army plaza of course i'm so sorry

you know who she fucked everyone on rushmore but teddy roosevelt because she was like why are you up there no because the sculptor wanted to show off that they could do glasses wow okay special skills

um joe i think i think you are really um amazing amazing And you're showing America the breadth of the characters that we see in real life. What? Such as Betsy, Miss Backup Ohio. Miss Backup Ohio. Tell us what goes into making these people come to life. Yeah, talk about that. Well, you get like one hour before you know it's happening. Yes.

And then that hour is spent in makeup. Oh, no. By the time you get out there, it's really just exploring. Oh, well. It's exploring and heightening. But it's successful exploration and heightening. Sometimes it's like a very,

it feels like you wrote, it feels like someone did a TV show. It's like sometimes it's, it's like a very, it feels like, um, like you wrote, uh, like, it feels like someone, uh, did a TV show. It's like what you would imagine in like working at a late night show is you're just like, oh, and then you just get in makeup and then you run on stage and then you're like, oh, that's what it is. That's actually what it is. It really is. It makes it not, I mean, it's, yeah.

I don't know. So you were enjoying working there? Yeah. It's a hard job, but I, I, you know, I don't really sleep very much. No, Joe. But apart from that, it's okay. They have a Hale and Hardy soup in the basement. I love that. Do you have, have you had the tortellini florentine?

No. Oh my god. It's very good. I need to try that. Is that a staple? It's an everyday. No. Oh, it's not. Okay. Well, I get email blasts from them whenever they have my favorite flavors. Oh my god! And so I got an email from them today, and they were flirting with me because they said it was tortellini, but it had mushrooms in it. And I knew they were being bad.

And did that make you say, I really want to go, or you didn't want the mushrooms? No, mushrooms are the deal breaker. No, I don't mind mushrooms because I put it on my list, but... That's true, you did put it on the list. You did ask for it. I did. I do feel like I said to myself, the large isn't large enough. And I thought, that's so

fucking stupid that I would get mad about a soup. No, I get mad about soup all the time. I hate that I'm going to that soup place so much. Yeah, but it's good. And also, isn't it healthier? No. No. But the cream of tomato, my favorite is the cream of tomato with chicken and orzo.

And what do you get, Jo? Do you get the seven-dough sour grain? Seven-dough seven-grain. Seven-sour grain. Seven-grain sour. Seven-grain sour. Time passes. Time passes. Back and forth. Sours. Fourth and back. Sour. Sour. It's the 7 grain sour

dough or crackers I got it sour grub today I had 4 halves of cupcakes so 2 yep cause I was like I don't want to go to the soup place do you know what I always get when I go to Hale and Hardy

the seafood chowder the lobster bisque. That's expensive. It is expensive. It's sometimes upwards of $11. What? No. I got the big one too. Because I have a big stomach that turned into a dick at night. Midnight precisely.

All that lobster bisque? Yeah, it's all that lobster bisque. Hey, why you got such a big ass stomach and a little body with a globular ass well if you must know my big ass tummy

turns into a cock at night and then I lift up my legs to the sky like Lady Liberty her god damn self and show my world

can you imagine my own belly dick you're in somebody you're in somebody else and you're like this used to be my belly. And they go, and in just moments, it's going to turn back. Quick, quick, let me come. It's not.

It's so. No! And your old boss or your whatever, that guy, that chef chef he's saying it as if the belly is the is like the carriage is like and the dick is the pumpkin do you know what i'm saying like the belly is like the dress it's possible but dude do you guys know what i'm trying to say it's like yes the belly is not the curse the belly is no the spell he was clearly horrified and put on the spot and honestly objectified physically. He might have been a nightmare to work with, but he was being

cruelly, cruelly addressed. He was put in a bad situation. I remember that was the only job, the only time I've been ever sexually harassed, but it was this guy kept saying I looked like, who's the woman that's in SeaWorld? What?

Which woman? She's really politically active. She was like five years ago. She doesn't have any hair. Oh, she was in League of Our Own. She's in SeaWorld? She's a sister. What's SeaWorld?

Wait, Waterworld. You're talking about... Oh, God. No, I don't think it... Wait, Lori Petty? Yes. And they'd be like, girl, you look like Lori Petty. girl, you look like Lori Petty.

Ah! Girl, you look like Lori Petty. Young Lori Petty? The scrappy one from Little League of Their Own? The little sister. Yeah. Ugh. Little...

She was annoying. Yeah. What's her name in the movie? Kit? Kit. Kit. Yeah. Do you know that that baseball stadium is still intact?

What? It's perfectly intact Because the mayor Of that town Was like You gotta make it Built to last It didn't used to be

My playground It still is Rockford But now The Rockford Peaches Are a cheerleading team For the boys baseball No

Oh that's horrible I honestly think Oh my god Option this Make a fucking reboot Where the cheerleaders Want to play No. Oh, that's horrible. I honestly think, oh my God, option this. Make a fucking reboot where the cheerleaders want to play the plot of play. Yeah. I don't know. I'm tired.

Option this. Option this. That should be a new segment on the show. Oh. Option this. Option this. That's good. That's what got her on the fucking Tonight Show.

I know. There you go. The segments. It's a crazy bit called Option This with Jimmy Fallon, where Jimmy, he goes, option this, and he chooses a choice. Joe, I just got, I get, you know what? Love that.

Joe can just toss off these premises, and they're gold, but it's like she doesn't fucking. Meanwhile, us, we got one fucking bit. I don't think so, honey. We got one fucking bit. Don't you dare. They're going to put it on our goddamn gravestone. Don't you dare. Both of us are going to die together at the same time. I don't know so, honey. We got one fucking bit. Don't you dare. They're going to put it on our goddamn gravestone. Don't you dare.

Don't you dare. Both of us are going to die together at the same time. I don't know. I just... I think it would be really hard. I really don't think either of you should die first. I think you should die. We have to die together.

We have to die together. You have to die together. And you know what? I think it's time... I think... I don't think so, honey. I think this might be the last one. What?

This is going to be the last one. This is it. I think after this, we're going to die. We're going to die and the bit... Well, don't come up with a backup. Please, just come up with a backup. Fans, what would you do? I wanna pose a question to the

listeners. What would the listeners do? Would you do anything to keep I Don't Think So Honey alive? Anything? What would you do for us? What's in it for us? Do you think that they would continue the lost culture is this brand no with oh you're trying if we died i'm talking about hpj oh h hop producer joe i think he would cast two people that looked and sounded like us to keep

going why do they need to look like you because he wants to fool them he wants to fool them with he wants everyone to he thinks that they're all dumb the listeners, right, right. You can't fool someone with your voice, but you can fool someone with their looks. Or no, that's the other way around. Yeah, it's the other way around, but you know what? It's fine. Because our listeners are all so fucking dumb. Guys, come on.

They're so dumb. Don't, hey. I'm just going to say this to you on the side. Our listeners are fucking dumb. Hey, listen, you don't want to say that. Switch us out. They don't fucking know at all. So dumb. You don't want to switch switch us out So dumb

They all like They think all this And a sixth grade And a seventh grade And a college Okay Yeah I can't dare you

Oh Option this A seventh grader Who goes straight to college It's a perfect day Okay So the Emmys happened Yes Oh yes They were lovely At the time of recording this We're recording this Right so the Emmys happened. Yes. Oh, yes.

They were lovely. At the time of recording this, we're recording this right after the Emmys happened. Isn't it crazy that you, like, all of your friends get dressed up? It's amazing. On your Instagram, you're like, oh my god, all of a sudden... Even if you're not friends with them. Exactly. You're like, wait a minute, my friends are at the Emmys. Can I tell you

my favorite bit that's happening right now, though? Annie Donnelly is ripping everyone apart for what they wore. Annie Donnelly is doing fashion police on her Instagram for all of the people who went to the Emmys and she is really taking no prisoners. She's just telling everyone

they look bad. Of course Annie Donnelly, villain of the Last Coach Recess podcast, said I don't think so honey Bowen and Matt on our live show. On oh i don't think so honey 2.0 this is this is this is one of the annie's burns from her fashion police for the emmy she goes meet your juhari oh yeah a little choker little goth girl well you look like a fucking goth girl but she's like almost not a bird at all but you know what in annie's voice anything is anything is now i think is it time for my virginity story yeah wait oh yes that wasn't part of the plan but

i will tell it no well i lost my virginity to the owner of a clam bar that I worked at in high school. He texted me a lot over the school year preceding. I was a freshman in college. I was slowly considering coming out. And he took my V-card over the summer. On a boat? Not on a boat. Oh, okay.

That was later. Okay. He took my V-card in a bed. Oh, great. And I'll tell you what. I'd be working at the cash register downstairs making coffee for a guest, and he would call down and say, hey, can you send Matt Rogers up with a coffee for me?

And every waitress in the restaurant would know what that means. And I would go right up there, a 19-year-old me, and he was 29. Looking back, I would not have done that. Yeah, that's okay. But the boat story is I told him I didn't want to hook up with him anymore He said okay we'll just be friends He's like let's go out on the boat This weekend

We went out into the Long Island Sound And he anchored the boat And he said we're gonna hook up And I was like I don't want to do that So that's actually a shitty story That's really messed up It is messed up He's like, I don't want to do that. So that's actually a shitty story. That's really messed up. It is messed up.

And I did it. Essentially, I gave consent to it. But I didn't realize until years later how fucked up that was. And especially to a 19-year-old? Yeah. Oh, where is he now? Where is he now? Still there?

Oy, oy, oy. All right well that's it's no i mean that's that's bad but the thing is and i didn't even realize it was bad until years later anchor that's like the physical like you're staying put because like what was i gonna do literally jump into the long island sound oh my god oh. Oh my God, Matt. It was so shitty. I'm so sorry. And I actually didn't tell anyone about that until like last year. But I believe like it was like, it was like very much not a moment for me. Like the social media movement

of everyone sharing their kind of stories and everything like that. But I told Henry, I was like, you know, just so you know, like I feel like I didn't, I kind of didn't realize

like that this happened, but this totally happened. I mean, and I brought up, I asked you to bring it i brought up the boat thing no honestly i was sharing it as a lighthearted story and then i was like and i sometimes say the boat thing and i don't really get into what happened on the boat yeah but that did happen you know what we get and it happens i think to so many people oh absolutely yeah yep

just like those situations of like you did it but you didn't give consent, even though you technically like didn't do a drag in your feet. You know what I mean? The thing is, is that you would never do that to someone else. No, no, no. And I think it's like, I just wonder what those people think. Like, what what does that guy think? Is he just like, does that weigh on him at all? I think he thought it was like flirty and fun, but I had made it clear that I didn't want to do that anymore

That's not friend. Oh, yeah, no it was really even if I like Took you out to sea and put an anchor down Yeah, and we're not gonna have sex even if I was just like let's just sit here for a while You're like I want to go back. Yeah, and I was like no let's just sit here for a while You'd be like this fucking crazy bitch needs to get out of my life you know what i mean it was crazy wow it was crazy and then all of a sudden the like relationship was like back on oh and because i was like well i mean like i guess it's gonna happen regardless but

this is these are things that you don't realize it's like a 19 year old not for nothing, but lives in Long Island where the patriarchy is super solid. And I mean that not only just as men have control over women, but older men have control over younger men. And, you know, he was my boss. So there was so much going into it that was weird. But, yeah, that's a fucked up story. But I didn't know I was going to just share. But look, I was saying

we get real. Did you get rid of him when you went to college? Yeah, yes. He was very upset about that because he was like, so what, you have no time for me anymore? Because I decided that when I went back to school, I would come out of the closet and transfer to Tish

at NYU and try to pursue comedy tish at nyu and like try to um you know pursue comedy finally and i was gonna like really try to become who i was and he like that was like such a bad thing he was like so what you're not gonna come back and work here over the summer anymore like we're not gonna be friends and like you know i'm just gonna sit here and work at this place forever and etc etc and et cetera. And it was kind of like, yeah. He is going to work there forever. Now looking back on it, he's like very much a Trump supporter.

And this I think is a common thread with a lot of those people is they're angry about their lives and how they've turned out and they feel very trapped situationally and they're looking for someone to blame. And it's politics in general. And they think a change up there is going to like change

their lives and they're just they're obsessed with being the victim. Or they're you know they've sexually assaulted people and they identify with that as a you know whatever. I feel like that kind of like it's also like that's you're 19 years old he's 29

years he has you have no you don't have to dictate his life. No. that's, you're 19 years old, he's 29 years, he has, you have no, you have no, you don't have to dictate his life. No. Like, he can do whatever he wants. And to be like, no,

you're not, you're just gonna leave me, ugh, that's kind of manipulative. It was so weird and manipulative, and I remember at one point, like, when I knew it had to end, was,

there was like the real owner of the restaurant, who was his father, and he had like a much younger girlfriend, who was like 16 or 17 years younger than him, and she was like the real owner of the restaurant who was his father. And he had like a much younger girlfriend who was like 16 or 17 years younger than him. And she was like the manager of the restaurant. And she was always very unhappy. And, you know, it just wasn't a good, it was very negative atmosphere. And she looked at me one day and she was like, I just know that you and so-and-so are going to fall in love.

And you're just going to, you guys guys are gonna be just like me and my boyfriend and i was like an aspirational and i was like oh my god i have to get the fuck out of here i was like i cannot do this i was like this is horrifying and also you know what else sucks is you can't tell anyone about it when it happens because you're closeted and i think he knew and it's your work and it was my job and everyone that and honestly if i had said something to my co-workers they would have just been like oh my god that's so crazy they no one knew that it was like no one was had the like especially out there and at that time like there was no like way to express like i think i was like sexually

assaulted or taken advantage of like it, it was not like that. It was like, ooh, it sounds hot. Or, ooh, I guess you guys are back on. Or, ugh, men. Right. And also, you know, when that grab them by the pussy stuff came out, that group of people were all like, come on, this is just how men talk. This is ridiculous.

This is how men talk. Crooked Hillary, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, you know what? Maybe you guys need some better men in your lives yeah and that's nationwide people didn't give a fuck about that because that's the kind of men that they're used that are out there realize how many times i've heard that expression grab them by the pussy and just it's i like hasn't been a visual for a while it just became a visual just yeah hands i mean it's a horrible visual. It's horrible.

Isn't that awful? A combination of words that actually makes no sense. Like, no. It doesn't make sense. I think it does. I think he would do it. I think he would do it, but it's like... I mean, that's the thing where you really have to put the Lady Liberty's legs up.

Yeah. He's saying that as if, like, women are aroused by that. No, I think that that does, that is the kind of thing that arouses gas. I think that if you are surprised in that way, it does release the bowels. You, yes, you. I'm sure. Oh, that's insane. Spread the cheeks. Spread the cheeks. Grab. Silent fart. Yeah. Grab him by the cheeks. Spread the cheeks.

Silent fart. Grab him by the world. Donald Trump. No, that was awful. Do you think that you would be more likely, if you saw Donald Trump, to do something? Would you fart in him? Okay. I would go into a catatonic state.

So here's what happened. But Bowen's been in the same. So he walked past me. I went to the taping of his SNL episode two years ago. And okay, well, first I should start off. So Sudi invited me. Sudi had me and Becky Chacon and Sam Reese as her guests. And we all go.

Good group. Great group. And then we all go out afterwards to where the after party is. And we're some of the first people there. And then that show, that episode, Ivanka had a walk-on during one of the sketches. And no one applauded for her. She had her one line. It was like a prompter mistake.

Prompter mistake. Like, I don't think the applause thing went up. Yeah, exactly. So people didn't applaud for her. And Sudi was like, oh, that sucks. Like, I kind of feel bad about that. we were like yeah i guess so um and and so uh and this was before you could really just like pin that on pin all the shit on ivanka at the time she had our sympathy in a way yes um and so uh so then the four of us go to this after party restaurant we're just

sitting there eating uh drinking uh and then uh who should walk in but ivanka and ivanka walks in and she just announced her pregnancy like two weeks before i had seen so she walks in and then we were pretty we were all pretty hammered at this point so we go oh yes ivanka like we were her fucking best idiot girlfriend idiots and then we're just, like, waving her down. And then she turns, sees us, clocks us, and then, like, smiles and waves at us as if she, like, recognized us or something. And she came over. And she walked over, and it's like,

oh, like, you're so used to this. You're so used to doing, performatively doing this. So she walks over to us. She goes, hi, how are you? Great to see you. We were like, hi, Valkia. We were like, great job tonight were like, we were like, great job tonight.

You were so fun in the episode. And she goes, and she literally said, well, thanks so much. I mean, SNL, what a dream come true.

Am I right? And we were like, yeah. And then I went just hammered at this point. I go, and then I rubbed my belly. I go, and congratulations.

No, this is insane. We fucking like gabbed with her and she was like thank you so much we're so like she goes jared and i are so excited no you didn't know he was a little robot boy no we didn't you know you hadn't you hadn't really seen jared at that. And so she said that, and then she like, we like exchanged a couple more pleasantries, and then she's like, and then she's like, well, well,

I've got to go back to my section, but it was great talking to you guys. Have a great night, okay? And we were like, bye. And then genuinely, I was like,

wow, I know her dad's a piece of shit, but I, I'm really genuinely starstruck. And I kind of was for that of was was she gorgeous in person she was fine in person um just this towering bird and then so then fucking bill o'reilly shows up too and that was insane but then i'm drunk and then um i'm close to the bar which is close to the door and then towards the end of the night at this this point Donald's leaving and everyone's just like, oh make way, like

Trump is leaving. And so I like step out I step out of the way and he walks by me and in that moment I was like he's a foot away from me. Like, I mean I had that thing where it was just like, I mean this is insane. You could do it. I could do

something, I could like fart or like scream or something and like I could do something. I could, like, fart or, like, scream or something. And, like, I could be that insane person. But then, you know, I've never told anybody this before. You know what I did? What? I said, again, drunk, I go, great show tonight. Oh.

No. And he goes, didn't look at me. He just waved and said, yeah, thank you. And then walked out. And then Bill O'Reilly was right behind him. And then I walked right. I walked out right after Bill O'Reilly. And Bill O'Reilly stopped and was like, hi, great to see you. SNL, what a dream come true.

Am I right? Oh, my God. Thank you. Jared and I are so excited. I'm filled with shame that I complimented Donald Trump on his SNL episode. And that is a true fact. and I will never live that down. Wow. I don't think, as far as the media is concerned, you've done the worst thing by any means.

I also don't think he even listened to you. He didn't acknowledge my existence. He wouldn't remember you, I don't think. But no, I'm just saying, it's the thing. Thank you. It's the thing of like if you could go back in time and like do the

kill Hitler not saying I would have killed him killed Trump but it's just like I don't know Bowen watch out but it's like

it's like oh in this moment in this moment in time when I was when I was that close to him what I chose to do was to compliment him insane

anyway I mean I do think that there is a thing where it's like, what do you actually do when you're with, you know? Yeah. And like, I don't, I think at that point people knew how bad he was, but people didn't think he was going to win anything. He was a sideshow still.

He was still in the primaries, right? He was still early in the primaries and, you know. He was still one of 16. Yeah. And it's like, it's like seeing the Babadook before you see the movie. Uh-huh. You know, you're just like, see the drawing? A little cartoon. A of 16. Yeah. It's like seeing the Babadook before you see the movie. You know, you're just like, see the drawing? A little cartoon. A little drawing.

And then you watch the movie, and then you're like, oh, no! But the country just hadn't, most of the country hadn't seen the movie. Hadn't seen the movie. Some of them had been to Toronto, but not all of them. Yeah, Toronto, which actually just happened. Toronto just happened. Toronto just happened. It just happened. It did.

And James Franco did very well. James Franco did very well, and the Lady Gaga documentary did very well. Did you hear what won the audience award? This is actually kind of interesting. What? What did? It's called Three Billboards in Ebbing, Missouri. It's a Frances McDormand movie.

It looks great. Written by Martin McDonagh. And apparently it's really moving. Martin McDonagh. And apparently it's really moving. Martin McDonagh wrote what else? In Bruges. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Here it's fun stuff. He's a playwright. I got him mixed up with

who did The Pillow Man? Martin McDonagh? It was. HBJ says. HBJ. Not quite as fun. Not quite as fun. He has range. You know who's so fun. Not quite as fun. Then it just shows you he has range. He has range. You know who's so fun?

Shonda Rhimes. Wait. Oh, she's so fun. She's starting a new thing. She's moving to Netflix. Wait, do you know... Wait, did you know that... You guys watch Moonstruck? I've never seen Moonstruck.

I've seen it. I saw it when I was very young. I don't remember it. It is such a good movie. Yes, I remember it. It's such a good movie. Yes, I remember it. It's such a good movie. Well, that it was fun. Yes, I'm sorry.

It makes you so happy. Cher is really good in it. Cher might be the best one in it, and there's a lot of really good people. Yeah. Oscar. And it's written by a playwright who wrote it. Oh, John Patrick Shanley.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah, and he also wrote Doubt. Yes, but it's really good. I really recommend you watch Moonstruck I love Moonstruck

listen to that a little cultural tip watch Moonstruck everyone and we'll all report back it's really funny there's an Italian grandpa who has five dogs

oh my god that sounds hilarious there's so many good parts snap out of it of course snap out of it of course

you know you've seen it you've seen it you love it it's so good Cher is the best one of the of one of the pantheon of divas. She's really good at everything. Everything. Yeah, she's very good.

And she's funny. And good at Twitter. Oh, yeah. She's very good. Except she's really bad at putting emojis in the middle of words and also weird capital She doesn't necessarily know what's going on. That's why we love her. Okay, it's time to move on to I Don't Think So, Honey.

Now, if you listen to the show, you know this segment. If you are just listening to the show for the first time, you picked a really good one. It's very good. Yeah, and it's our segment where we take one minute to rail against culture. We are so mad about these things. And it's time to take one minute to say just how mad. Yes. Now, Matt, you said you have something? I do have

something. Okay, okay. I don't know where it will go, but I know what it is. So then I'll put one minute on the clock, and Matt, I can't wait to see what you have. This is Matt Rogers' I Don't Think So Honey. Time starts now. I Don't Think So Honey, woman on the train who locked eyes with me after two other women kissed and rolled

her eyes. Let me tell you something, honey. You picked the wrong bitch. I don't know what it was about me that gave you the impression that I was going to share a homophobic moment with you, honey, but I don't think so, honey, because guess what? I'm a homosexual, man. And I will look at you dead back in your eyes, which you've rolled, and I'll tell you with my

gaze that you can't come for the gays and I can't believe you and I think I shamed her adequately yes but you're in New York honey you're just gonna pick someone and roll your goddamn eyes like expecting that any old person is gonna be with you these were two beautiful lesbians, honey. And they loved each other. They were a beautiful biracial couple. And I love that. And guess what?

Maybe it was that that made the woman a little irritated. But I don't know. All I know is, honey, you need to get it together. That's one minute. Oh, my God. That's so upsetting. That was so good. She rolled her eyes.

And looked at me like, can you believe this shit? And I was like, get out of here. That's great. That's really good. Bowen Yang's I Don't Think So Honey. Hold on, hold on. Wait, do I have to do one? Yeah, you do.

Okay, great. Yeah, here we go. Alright, here we go. Bowen Yang's I Don't Think So Honey. Time starts now I don't think so honey Uniqlo black runner jeans That are supposed to stretch to fit

They tore at the fucking thigh pelvis Groin area within two weeks Bitch I don't think so honey These little I can say this These little Chinese children Making my pants And I don't think so honey myself

for buying into that and you know supporting that horrible oppressive structure and institution myself I don't think so honey though these pants 30 seconds were supposed to last me for many many many days of work of auditions all purposes really I don't think so

honey for them for them not being there for me when I needed them most. For them, I invested time. 15 seconds. I had them tailored to my leg height. I have short legs, bitch. And I needed to wait an extra day

to give them to Uniqlo to have the adjustments made. Five seconds. And I don't think so, honey. These pants! I don't think so, honey, for not being dependable. One minute. That's my minute. Oh, my God. Bonyang on pants.'t think so, honey. These pants! I don't think so, honey, for not being dependable. One minute.

That's my minute. Oh, my God. Bonyang on pants. Oh, it's so many layers. There's a lot going on there, and I can... My gift is to be able to connect all those dots gracefully.

Both of yours had a lot of layers. Thank you, Joe. And they provoke conversations. And we hope people will converse with us. And we hope Joe's I don't think so honey gets all the people talking we hope it really lives up to what she's seen here

this is not gonna live up to it at all Joe this is gonna be one of the best what was your I don't think so honey in the live show memes anyone ever call them may mays may mays

and I think we should Joe are you ready yeah this is Joe Firestone's I don't think so honey time starts now I don't think so, honey. Time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Why can't you eat egg salad and tuna salad in public?

Yeah. Why can't you? They sell it. Why you gotta go home to eat it? It's too stinky. I don't know. It smells like tuna. It smells like egg.

We all know what that smells like. I think it's fucked up. There's a social stigma. It's two of the main three cold salads. The only other cold salad that we have left is chicken salad and that's not a salad I want to eat. There's also ham salad

but I don't think that's sold in stores in New York. 30 seconds. I just feel like it's weird that you'd get dirty looks if you ate that in a room of people. People get mad at you and that's another option. They have that at the deli. If they didn't sell it, people obviously are buying it.

And where are they eating it? 15 seconds. Where are they eating it if not in work? Where are they eating it? Are they eating it at home? It's too embarrassing. I don't know why. I tried to eat egg salad once on a subway, and I almost got kicked out.

Doors are closing. Stand clear. And that's one minute. Wow. Joe. I think that's filth. subway and I almost got kicked out. Doors are closing. Stand clear. And that's one minute. Wow. I think that's filth. You're disgusting. Joe, why would you eat chicken salad? I'm obsessed with chicken salad. Okay, but what about tuna salad?

Tuna smells like a tuna. Egg salad? I haven't come across it enough to make an egg. It's at every deli. It's at every deli. It smells like an egg. It's at every deli. It's at every deli. It smells like an egg. It smells like an egg. My nephew is like, he's three and he's really cute.

He like has a really weird way of speaking. And he's like really specific about his words because he's like learning this. Yeah, yeah. And my sister-in-law was like, Sammy, what do you want to eat for breakfast? And he goes, egg. And then she goes, how many eggs do you want to eat for breakfast? And he goes, egg. And then she goes, how many eggs do you want? Do you want one egg or two eggs? And he goes, one egg.

And you know what? You knew what he wanted. You knew what he wanted. He communicated it really well indeed. Very well indeed. One egg. I think this trifecta of the salads, the cold salads, chicken wins out. Chicken wins out.

You should try chicken salad. Okay, I've tried it. They have a really good chicken salad at Trader Joe's called Wine Country Chicken Salad. And it's with raisins, delicious, delicious mayonnaises, and blends of spices and seasonings. Different kinds of mayonnaise? No, I mean, like, they seasoned the mayonnaise in such a way that's very good. I never heard it pluralized. Mayonnaises.

Absolutely. Joe? Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Do you like cold salads? I love a tuna fish. And I will frequently enjoy tuna salad if there's not just a tuna fish. Okay.

You eat plain tuna? Out of the can. I take it out of the can, I put it in a nice bowl, I mix in some mayo and some mustard and I'll eat it with a fork. Oh, so you make your own tuna salad? I make tuna. No, but that's tuna salad. Tuna? By itself.

No, but you mix it. It's not by itself. It has some mustard and mayonnaise. No, no. Tuna salad, you need a little bit of greens in it, honey. Uh-uh. No, that's not true. That makes it a salad.

By definition, a salad has greens. But by definition. This conversation is tragical. I think the title of this episode is Tragical. Tragical. Tragical. Or whatical. Tragical. Or what was the song called? Bitches at the Beach?

Bitch at the Beach. Bitch at the Beach. I think it should be Tragical. Tragical. Bitch at the Beach. We really didn't get past the chorus. No, yeah, it's true. I feel like I've been really shot down multiple times.

Say something and we'll encourage you. I think the title of this episode should be Bitch at the Beach. No. Okay, you know what? That's fair. Say something and we'll encourage you. I think the title of this episode should be Bitch at the Beach. No. Okay. You know what? That's fair. Say something else.

I, my, did I talk about this last episode? My bowels are still, I started taking probiotics today. Yeah. They haven't done, they're not doing it.

Oh, do you have bad bowels? The worst they've ever been. I've had explosive diarrhea since I moved to New York. Joe, I'm so sorry. It's something I'm used to. Yeah. And I think that it just kind of becomes part of your routine.

But you know, I've been talking about this. Usually when I have my diarrhea afterwards, you feel so much better. Maybe, not necessarily. These past two weeks, I've had to go at least twice consecutively within 10 minutes and then you're exhausted and you feel like there's a demon inside your bowels maybe you gotta eat

I don't know you know what I took a nap today after I shat out of my globular world and I think that's this is my journey. That is like Matt just learned all his favorite words and put them all in one sentence.

I just took Matthew. I'm learning words. That was nice. I believe that I will miss Joe. We will miss Joe so much. I believe it. I had so much fun doing this.

Thank you so much, Joe. We love you. Thank you for having me. This is so fun. Joe, where can people find you? You're not on social media very much. No. That's fine.

You can't find her. Guys, I'm Matt Rogers. I'm Bowen Yeh. And our episode was with Joe Firestone. Thank you, Forever Dog. Thank you, listeners. Thank you. Thank you.

Bye. Thanks. Bye. Thanks. Our listeners are so fucking stupid. I bet they don't even listen to see what happens at the end. They got a fifth grade listening level. They got a fifth grade education. Third grade reading level.

Couldn't even read the hard Harry Potters. The hard ones? The hard ones. They want everything past the second half of four. Hard crux. Forever. Forever. Dog.

This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey, and Brett Boehm. For more podcasts, please visit foreverdogproductions.com. Dog.

I'm Julian Edelman. I'm Rob Gronkowski. And we are super excited to tell you about our new show, Dudes on Dudes. We're spilling all the behind-the-scenes stories, crazy details, and honestly, just having a blast talking football. Every week, we're discussing our favorite players of all times, from legends to our buddies to current stars. We're finally answering the age-old question, what kind of dudes are these dudes? We're going to find out, Jules. New episodes drop every Thursday during the NFL season.

Listen to Dudes on Dudes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On Thanksgiving Day 1999, five-year-old Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez was found off the coast of Florida. And the question was, should the boy go back to his father in Cuba? Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home, and he wanted to take his son with him. Or stay with his relatives in Miami? Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story,

on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty and I'm the host of On Purpose. My latest episode is with Jelly Roll. This episode is one of the most honest and raw interviews I've ever had. We go deep into Jelly Roll's life story from being in and out of prison from the age of 13 to being one of today's biggest artists. I was a desperate delusional dreamer. Be a delusional dreamer.

Just don't be a desperate delusional dreamer. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trust me, you won't want to miss this one. I'm Sheryl Swoops. And I'm Tarika Foster-Brasby. And on our new podcast, we're talking about the real obstacles women face day to day. Because no matter who you are, there are levels to what we experience as women. And T and I have no problem going there. Listen to Levels to This with Cheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster-Brasby, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment.

You can find us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports.