Last Podcast On The Left - Best of: Cryptids

Episode Date: April 28, 2023

This week the boys celebrate Spring Break with a compilation of some of our favorite tales of Cryptids featured on the show over the years. From the Big Ole' Hairy Man himself to the chaotically mischievous Terry the Gnome, Cryptids come in all shapes and sizes, so sit back, roll up a hog's leg and get into it!Featured Episodes:Episode 63: BigfootEpisode 93: Gnomes!Episode 109: Regional Monsters Pt II -  A Hint of MucusEpisode 259: The Puerto Rican ChupacabraEpisode 314: The Jersey DevilEpisode 441: Lake MonstersRelaxed Fit: Single-Use Cryptids LPOTL returns next week with a brand new episode!

Hey guys, it's Jackie Zabrowski, and Page 7 and Wizard of the Bruiser are going back on tour with the Release the Butthole Cut Tour, we're coming to your town, hold it where are we going? Salt Lake City, Denver, Colorado, Las Vegas, we're going to Portland, Oregon, to Carmel Washington, Oklahoma City, Kansas City, and St. Louis, Missouri, where can they find tickets MJ? For tickets go to lastpodcastnetwork.com. What's that again?

Hell yeah. There's no place to escape to, this is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Man, wait, wait, wait a second, let's set the, let's set the vibe, guys. Set the vibe, bro. I ain't got a brand name.

Son of a gun. Son of a gun. Son of a gun. Son of a gun. Son of a gun. Son of a gun. Son of a gun. Son of a gun.

Son of a gun. Son of a gun. Son of a gun. Son of a gun. spring break. Welcome to the last podcast of the left spring break edition. Yeah. You know what I'm thinking of doing the spring break? German Austin powers. Yeah, baby. Yeah. Do I make you run Z baby? I'm going hardcore senator from Minnesota, Minnesota. Oh, that's good. Take a look at your parameters. I don't think you guys are gonna stand when spring

break is all about looking at your parameters. Spring break. What do we do with all these inflatable balls? Break is all about hanging out with Eric Nice doing the grind. Eric Nice. Remember him? Is that from the grind? MTV? Why didn't you think of Daisy Fuentes instead? We were watching two different shows, my friend. That's the show inside the show. Eric's abs. Daisy Fuentes was fine. I love Davey's. I love Daisy's Fuentes and I miss her. I'm not fucking I'm what I'm not what spring break. There's no rules. Yeah, baby. Yeah. Do make your auntie baby. Disturbing. Okay. Today's episode. We got our best of we're talking cryptids. Yes. Also, if you are, if you do see a cryptid this spring break, take a photo,

send it in, make the show, make the show. We are having a little bit of a spring break here because the, the elves that are inside of the podcast factory, Fernando, Madeline, Kelsey, Kelly, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron. We have the whole crew, right? Oh, they all got to sleep. We are just so tired. They are. We're whipping them and we're like, Oh, we do all they squeeze content from their little hands. Yeah. But now they get to go down to South Beach. Yep. They can do that. They're released channel. They're LeBron James go to South Beach. They can go anywhere they want. Yeah. As long as they're fucking back here exactly one week from today, ready to work. No, and it's great. Honestly, it's, we want

to say a big thank you to our entire crew. Yeah. Here LPN. They work their asses off. Thank you very much. Enjoy your time off. You're paying time off your PTO. All right. You guys are so congratulated. Compassionate capitalism is put together a cryptid best of it's a bunch of our like old chunks of podcasts and we have not listened to in a very long time. I'm very excited if you guys hear this. I want us to do another cryptid episode soon. We will, which we will do. We shall do indeed. Okay. Enjoy this best of cryptids. Marcus, let's just start off. Do we want to start off with the first footage that was

ever filmed of the Sasquatch? Absolutely. That would be the Patterson Gimlin film. Okay. And Sasquatch has been, by the way, nine out of 10 times. That's a snuff film. Absolutely. Well, that was all their previous movies. And then a bunch of just like pictures showed up and just videotaping his own butt to see if he had pimples on. And this is the video that I'm sure every single one of you have seen. It's a very short picture that was filmed on October 20th, 1967. It's the one that has Bigfoot just casually strolling along. They say that it was a female Bigfoot that they originally had caught squatting and taking a shit next to the river. Oh, well, no girl wants to be caught doing that. Even a Bigfoot

girl. And of course, the Bigfoot also has gigantic hairy tits. Holy Lord. Yeah, I love them. I love them. Get in there. And as you can see, I mean, you said that the Bigfoot's taking a shit looks very annoyed as it's walking away. And you wouldn't think that an animal that is just just generally an animal would look annoyed. So you think there's something special to the Bigfoot brain, something special that might make them ashamed of a public poo poo? Yeah, just a little bit more human than the Simians. You say ashamed, but it really just comes down to its inconvenience. And I'm just really surprised you didn't. This is the only thing I would say it's like that makes me believe it's a hoax is that wouldn't

it attack them? Right? You know, like, if you feel me taking a shit, if you bust into my house and feel me while I'm taking a shit, I'm coming at you. But I mean, you got poop in the butt. You didn't have time to wipe. It's got that squeaky feeling. You just want to get back home where you can finally hop in that shower. Yeah. And Patterson and Gimlin were also both armed. Yeah. Well, I yes. And two horses as well, which are terrifying beasts. Yeah. Yeah. But it was just with like nun chucks. These guys are kind of they are a couple of months, but they may they may have made the only piece of footage about Bigfoot that actually exists because I mean, people fight it all over the place, though. It's the same.

Let's pretend this film is real. Where was it shot? It was shot in, let's see here, shot in California. Okay. Yeah. North of California. California. And what year was this? Six Rivers National Park. Six River. And what year was this shot in? 1967. Okay. So I guess the weed was sweet and music was jamming. Jim Hendrix was just on the scene. Was this just me setting a scene? Well, the streets of San Francisco were filled with hippies looking for answers, making questions. Yeah, that's the thing. It could have just been the lead singer of the Grateful Dead on a terrible bender. What was that? Jerry Garcia. Jerry Garcia. Sorry. I only know him by his ice cream name. Cherry Garcia, which I think is more important. Think

about it. That's made me happy. I have spent more time with Cherry Garcia than Jerry Garcia. Very sad. I'm literally sitting in a bucket of Cherry Garcia right now. This is an eaten town. Well, here's an interesting background for both Patterson and Gimlin. Patterson died of cancer in 1972 and Gimlin didn't talk about the subject until the year 2000 when he finally began giving interviews and making appearances at Bigfoot conferences. Now, here is my question for you. This is cash right now. Yeah. How excited was the guy who finally got Gimlin for the big conference? Excited. Then immediately like, Oh yeah, that's why he hasn't spoken in 30 years. He knows nothing. Because he's taken all the free ketchup packets out of

the burger can go and like, well, you never know when you need some free ketchup. Like saying like stuff like that. He's sleeping on a couch. Yeah. My girlfriend's in the bathroom. Really. I wish ketchup packets would have those funny sayings like the Taco Bell packets. I don't even like hot sauce. I just take all of them and laugh. What I love in here too is I was reading this like one little bit here and they were saying that when they finally captured the beast, he said that you characterize the creature's expression as one of contempt and disgust. You know how it feels when the umpire tells you one more word and you're out of the game. That's the way it felt. It doesn't sound good enough of those little

league analogies. Let's uh, let's go for some of the criticisms of this film. We can go through some criticisms of it. Uh, and some positives first. What are the positive is is that it looks like a monkey is that it's a bit, whatever it was, it was very big. Are there any scientists that think that this is a legitimate possibility? Absolutely. And these are real scientists. Yes. These are real scientists. Okay. So they have some support. There's this guy Grover Krantz, uh, that he points out mostly the first say that his first name is Grover and that's a problem. Any science, if you're a, if your name is Rupert or Grover or like hedgehog, the only thing a Grover could ever invent accidentally

is the chia pet. Well, uh, one thing that a lot of anthropologists have tried to do to actually authenticate this is that they can look at how the person walks and they can compare how a human walks to big foot or how big foot walks compared to a chimpanzee. Uh, but the only problem with that is the film is, uh, done at 24 frames per second. The frame rate isn't high enough to actually distinguish that with any kind of scientific credibility. However, how convenient. However, what Grover points out, uh, is he mostly points out to the dimensions of the creature, how gigantic it is. He points out that the tremendous width of the creature's shoulders, he estimated at 28.2 inches after deducting one inch for

hair or 35.1% of its full standing height. Would you also have to do with Ed Larson in order to see if he could fit in a cubby hole? Uh, he had a full standing height of 78 inches, uh, or 72 inches of its walking height, which is a bit stooped, crouched and sunken to the stand. The creature's shoulders are almost 50% wider than the human mean. For comparison, Andre, the giant had a human ratio of 24%. Holy shit. So whoever this was was fucking massive. However, I will address that later, the gigantic creatures. Uh, only very rarely do humans have a shoulder breadth of 30%. Krantz argued that a suited person could not mimic this breath and still have the naturalistic hand in arm motions present

in the film. He also says that the figure's stride, center of gravity and biomechanics aren't consistent with a human's, uh, biomechanics, center of gravity and stride. Just that this thing moves very strangely. Okay. And this does not account for the fact that he may be a skilled mime or character actor. Mm hmm. This is California after all. Think about it. Think about it. And, uh, so Krantz also showed the film to a man named Gordon Valiant, who's a researcher for Nike shoes, who says he made some rather useful observations. A researcher for Nike. Put them on your feet. Time up. It's the laces that keep them on. Isn't that weird? Some people don't use the laces. That's weird. Mm hmm. It ain't spaghetti.

I heard, but I eat it. So after all these years, you did have some anthropologists, some mainstream anthropo, mainstream scientific community anthropologists, which, uh, all of this, all of the big foot supporters call the M, uh, mainstream scientists, the M M M S S. Okay. Mainstream scientists, MSS took me a little bit to get there. It's a lot to get to. Yeah. That's fine. That's fine. There's a lot. That's one. The one thing I'm discovering about all these, all of this stuff is there are a lot of acronyms. They love it. A lot of acronyms. They love them. Very hard to get your brain around. So some anthropologists did come out. One even wrote a book in support of it. However, in 2002, Philip Morris of

Morris costumes claims that he made a gorilla costume that was used in the Patterson film. Oh, he says that he discussed his role in the hoax privately in the 80s, but first admitted it publicly in 2002. He claims he was reluctant to expose the hoax earlier for fear of harming his business, i.e., giving away his perform, a performer's secrets, which would widely be disregarded as disreputable, much like a magician going on the Fox network and showing how all the tricks are done. Interesting. Oh, that's, that's an insult. He did an insult to that magician guy. That is, that is unfair. Yeah. There is definitely a fight in Philip Morris's past with his father that he definitely seemed to have lost when his father said,

get into the tobacco business. It's going to be huge. He's like, fuck you, dad. I'm making costumes. Well, Morris City sold an apesuit to Patterson via mail order in 1967, thinking it was going to be used in what Patterson described as a prank. Well, when you get that from the mailman, make sure to scream, my bride. My bride. The perfect costume for my monkey drama. This is strange. I did not know this, this. Ordinarily, the gorilla suits he sold were used for a popular sideshow routine that depicted an attractive woman changing into a gorilla. Whoa. Yeah. That is a sticky. And after the initial sale, Morris said that Patterson telephoned him to ask how to make the shoulders more active and the arms longer.

And he said, here's why I said this is, this is why the creatures walk is so strange. Morris said, the Bigfoot researchers say that no human can walk that way in the film. Oh, yes, they can. When you're wearing long clown's feet, you can't place the ball of your foot down first. You have to put your foot down. Any scientific explanation that begins with when you're wearing clown feet, like it makes me just shut down. Another thing when you put on the gorilla head, you can only turn your head, maybe a quarter of the way and a look behind you, you've got to turn your head and your shoulders and your hips. Plus, the shoulder pads in the suit are in the way of the jaw. That's why Bigfoot turns and looks

the way he does in the film. He has to twist his entire body. He says that also Patterson called him. That's also how monkeys are built. That's how gorillas are built where they can't they can't turn their head individually. They have to move their body. So however, one more person came out, none other than Bob Heronimus, the man in the gorilla costume. Really? His last name's Heronimus? Yeah. It's kind of like you're like what's the guy was just like shut up mom I'm painting hell dude. Heronimus Bosch. You're walking around a nice quiet neighborhood. It's a beautiful spring early evening. And there's many picturesque gardens along the street when suddenly you notice a strange little figure with a bright red hat

and plushy beard. That's very rude gnome, Pamela. Yeah, come here, show me your ass, show me your ass, you fuck. I think we're in the bad part of gnome town. It's staring out at you through the bushes. What is it? Come on, yeah, yeah, you wanna see, I'm fucking, I see my foot long gnome dick. I thought they were supposed to be cute and nice. That gnome is master. Yeah, I'm gonna take my pointy head and shove it right in your fucking ass. You're walking around hanging around all your tops. This isn't as magical. This is not as magical as I thought it was going to be. Yeah, I got my dick stuck in a fox's ass early this morning. No, you did. Yeah, do whatever the fuck I want. My name's Terry. Oh, yeah,

I'm a badass gnome in the fucking, oh, look at this beautiful corn. Oh, right. I'm happy all of a sudden. I can't believe how thick these squash are today. I guess I could go ahead and shove it up my ass. Well, you were being pleasant for a moment, but then you mentioned the squash up your ass. I was very much enjoying pleasant Terry. Yeah, a lot of people like it when I'm nice, but everybody else can go fuck themselves. Terry, how many cigarettes do you smoke daily? Can gnome smoke more or less? I smoke one cigarette. It takes me nine hours. Nine hours for one cigarette. I got a tiny mouth in case you can't tell. Unless you want to, yeah, I'd be perfect for sucking your dick, you fucking tiny, you

monster. I have a small dick. That's nice, Terry. No one fucks with me. I'm a Siberian gnome. Oh, wow. Of course, Siberian gnomes are known to trounce around with trolls. Yes, the Siberian gnome has been the most affected by crossbreeding. Yeah, which just sounds like rape. Yeah, gnome rape. Different types. So let's go through all the different types of gnomes. Yes. Well, first of all, the adult male gnome weighs about half a pound. Wow, a half a pound. Yeah, the adult honey, I'm just feeling so fat. I'm telling you, I feel like a three quarters of a pound to go three quarters of a pound. You look at your fat bitch. Well, Terry, again, I didn't invite that sort of comment. Leave

that door fucking swinging open for old Terry. He's gonna stick his tiny big ass boot in there. Difficult to have a tiny big foot for a tiny dude. Yeah, I shove around your fucking meat piece. Terry, you've changed. Yeah, bring me a beer so I can drown in it. The average height of the gnome is six inches. I think there's a gnome in this beer. Somebody in Milwaukee, Wisconsin is the crack of a crack open a PBR. Oh, that's Terry, the drunk. You're hammered, man. You're hammered. No, dude, I think there's a no. No, this beer is fucking cheap. It's like a mean fucking drunk troll. Get something nice. You fucking you gotta stop saying to me like you can fucking take me. So I was also reading about how gnomes

are very durable, but how you could grab a gnome and throw him across a room and it bounces off a wall and it's totally fine. Oh, yeah, I believe that all the sorts of fun things you could just fucking make up. Yeah, I read a story where a cat, a man found a cat choking on a gnome. He squeezed the cat's neck until it spat it out and he thought the gnome was dead. So he kind of laid it out on his table. It's going to say honey, look at this. This is a dead female gnome. Oh, neck it is a J bird. I died and I woke up in hell. I woke up in hell. And he comes and he comes wakes up the next morning. The gnome is missing. Oh, every time turns out she's just playing dead, playing the typical nome

trickery naked female. No, it was a naked female. No, apparently that's a weird element to that story. Yeah. Yeah. And I looked and I flopped around. It's a little gnome's boobies for a second. Just, you know, cause no one was looking at a bizarre little no. I know that I can write a little post about this. My blogosphere called raping the gnome. Raping the gnome. But of course, the gnome wife's husband came back, thanked him for saving his wife and they had a good crop of barley that year. Here's a blueberry. That's very nice. What do we do with the fucking blueberry gnome? Give me some cash. Where's the money gnome? Well, there's another story about a gnome being saved and the man asked what

I want free wishes. He gives him a big, big nugget of gold. That's nice. And then he takes it to town. He tries selling it and they say, you're just a simple woodland farmer. What are you doing with all this gold? And he said, no, but a gnome gave it to me. Get to the back of the bus, mister. We're not buying your bill of sale here. They didn't believe him. They didn't believe him. Oh, that's insane. They threw him in jail. Oh, come on. Gnomes is like those genie things where it's like the gnome does things and you can't believe you, you know, you got to be aware what gifts you receive from a gnome. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, a chunk of gold. The mail wears a peaked red cap. Yes. Well, let's

go back real quick. Let's hit up the types of gnomes. We've discussed the Siberian gnome, the edgy Terry type gnome. Yes, the Siberian gnome. He is centimeters larger, so he's the bigger gnome. Okay. He is. He associates freely with trolls. Wow. And in certain regions, there's not a single gnome to be trusted. That would be in Siberia. The Siberian gnome takes revenge for even the slightest offense by killing cattle, causing bad harvest, droughts, abnormally cold weather, and so forth. The less said about him, the better. The better. Don't even write about it in a fucking website about gnomes. Because God knows what this guy's going to come up with. He showed up here and be like, eh, raped your wife. Well,

that sounds like a typical Siberian gnome. That's not fucking cool. Why did you rape my wife? Because her fucking gash was open to me and I hopped up in there. Yeah, Terry. Terry's going to fucking slide it in and out, so she has an errrrgasm. I'm not sure. Terry's going to invoke an orgasm. Yeah, I'll use my whole body. I fucking slam that clip like it's a boxing bag. That is disgusting. That's horrible. Yeah, that's not for Terry for a second. Just a moment. We've got farm gnomes. We've got farm gnomes. They resemble the house gnome. Yeah, they're like Uncle Tom gnomes. Yeah, Tom's been put to work. They are of a more constant nature and they are conservative in all manners. The house

gnome is a special sort. However, he resembles an ordinary gnome, but he has the most knowledge of mankind. Gnome kings are chosen from this family of gnomes. They're good natured, always ready for a lark or a tease. Hey, so we were talking quickly about Iceland, which really would you, an Iceland, they heard a fake that exists there. They say there's up to 65% of people that live in Iceland. Ragnar, you can tell us if that's true or not. Believe that they've at least seen a gnome. Never mind been raped by one. Well, I don't know how many, how many believe that they've been raped by one. I don't know. 68% have been raped by a gnome, but only 65% have seen him. So 3% just can't believe they were raped

by a gnome. They just sat on a twinkie. That happens. It's a weird way to eat. But what's really interesting, so it's very common there. Another thing we discover is with a lot of gnome sighting and what they say is like hidden people, like elves, tiny people, is a lot of times it again coordinates with places of heavy UFO activity. And another thing that correlates with that is that when we talk about Iceland, I think about Iceland is that it's sitting on a bed of moving lava, right? And so Iceland on a sort of geological standpoint is still like being formed. And so there's something to the idea that it causes a constant transition and there's something going on underneath it. It has an effect on the mentality

and of course like even the psychic state of people living around there. I'd say the volcanic gases probably cause a fair amount of that. And also magic mushrooms are fucking everywhere in Iceland. You see a lot of gnomes on magic mushrooms. Yeah, I'm sure if you eat it, you spend all day just being like, grandma's making stroganoff tonight and she's just like been eating fucking golden rimmed fucking whole like brownberry mushrooms out there and she's just like dancing on the ceiling and then she's like, why are you supposed to make a stroganoff grandma? And she's like, the colors. I'm a rainbow. Oh, that's great. That's beautiful. I love grandma. I love going to grandma's house. There's also a thing called house gnomes.

Sure. Excited. But it's like there's a crop circle. Like crop circles are also formed around natural aquifers and like all these things where it's like when we're when sort of heavy geological activities happening, that's when you see a lot of sightings of these types of things. So that's not farting. It sounds like I'm farting constantly, but there's drilling going on. Someone is doing some construction. So there are not quite soundproof studio. No. Do these gnomes enjoy sort of aquifer like situations? They like some swamp lands or things like that. Can I read the daily routine of the gnomes? Please do, sir. After sunset, the gnome house comes to life. Even without windows, they know when

it begins to get dark. And besides, the field mice begins to toddle about them. Time for me to wake up. The lady of the house steps out of the alcove bed, puts on her slippers and shuffles off to the stove where she belongs. Well, he gets the fire underway by adding dry leaves to the embers. Next, she puts on a couple of pails of water on the heat if her husband wants a bath that is and a kettle on for tea. She then goes to the bathroom to make herself presentable. And he's sleeping this whole time. Oh, he's deeply sleep because he's got work to do. Right, right. When she leaves the bathroom, her husband waits a few minutes, then pokes his feet out of the alcove, Bev, sometimes with morning mumbles and grumbles.

He then steps into his slippers and hangs his night shirt and night cap on a handsome wrought iron peg. That's nice. Except if you're a porno and then it's a nail. Fucking buried in a fucking board. Yeah, that's sad. He looks unimprovingly as his wife empties hot water into the tub. Tossing the temperature. He then steps to this bath. I hope it's the right temperature. In bathing, he takes a couple of handfuls of dried soapwort, Sopanaria officianalis, from a tray hanging on the wall and splashes it around in the water to produce an abundance of suds. He coughs a little bit because he's a raging alcoholic and smokes constantly. Well, mother and father of those occupied, the children set the table for breakfast.

In the meantime, father dries himself. Right, which is quite a great image of a no drive. Yeah, really quick. How big is a gnome towel? Four inches? Four inches? The gnome itself is only six inches. Yeah, that's the thing. I feel like that's a pretty large. I use a nine foot towel. Oh, because I burrito myself. Right, right. After breakfast, his wife prepares a snack for his night journey, a hollowed acorn filled with tea and a bag of biscuits. The biscuits taken from various grass seeds are a hearty meal in themselves. He likes his first pipe, waits until his wife has cleared away the breakfast things, and then they discuss the coming nightly activities or problems concerning the children. I think little Bobby

gnome is going to kill us in our sleep. Most likely, honey. I'm afraid he's going to take a tiny fucking gnome, a K 47 to his school. Oh, that would be adorable. The first little gnome gun. Yeah, no lumbine. Yeah, that was one of the saddest moments in gnome history, wasn't it? Yeah, they blame Marilyn Nome's dark gnome music. Yeah, of course. The beautiful gnome, the beautiful people, the beautiful gnomes, the beautiful gnomes. As he enters the outside, he checks up the train for a few minutes. If it is not yet dark enough, the gnome waits besides a friendly rabbit until deeper darkness falls. His activities at night may be some of the following. He could go to the forge pottery or sawmill. He

may go to his herb garden or either sow seeds, weed, hoe, prune or harvest. He may take care of the firewood supply or pick berries. Everything that can be done during short, sultry, summer nights, long, cold winter nights, velvet, black moonlit nights, rainy nights, etc. And just before sunrise of the gnome's activities, do not cause him to seek shelter elsewhere, which means he can go fuck whatever he wants. That's the thing. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why if there was a kitty cat that was waiting for me outside of the hollow lawn? Yeah, and it throated me over and over again like you won't do. I love to watch the little gnome juggly club. You know, it'll be kind of fun to watch. So this next guy is someone that

a lot of people out there probably would have heard about, especially if you're really into aliens, the flatwoods monster. This is my favorite kind of regional monster because you hear a lot with Mothman as well. A lot of these stories are often paired with UFO sightings. I love it because to me it supports the idea that there is a grand paranormal theory that like aliens and these monsters and elves and fairies and shit are all the same thing. Don't look at me like I'm crazy. I'm not even looking at you. I'm trying to... I looked away. Yeah, you got to look away. I have a series of beliefs. The one fun thing about this with the flatwood monster, he has a little scooter with him. He's got his own little

mobile. He's got like a Dr. Robotnik, like a professor X thing. Which is very fascinating. Well the first sighting of the flatwoods monster was in 1952 when a group of kids saw a flying saucer crash into the land out of the sky. They went to go check it out. Of course they saw a large pulsating ball of fire, which is really cool because this was also witnessed by a bunch of people. This was seen by like a couple dozen people. Some adults in there. They called the police station because they thought there was a downed aircraft. And so a bunch of people went out to go see what they saw. And the great show on the history channel introduces us to an investigator who has been working on the case for 20 years.

20 years. He hasn't had a wife in 20 years. But he's got a lot of files on the flatwoods monster. He does have a lot of files. And a lot of saying, I think he's just got a lot of dirt in those canisters. He's collecting all the dirt from the scene. Well, of course, these kids, though, they were the first on the scene. It was a group of three kids. They detected a pungent mist in the air that burned their eyes. A lot of smells. In fact, we see that a lot with big feet as well. Yeah, big feet. That would be the plural big foot. Okay. There are many big things. I think big. I mean, I don't know about. I've never been to Oregon, but I swear to God, I'm scared. The idea that there's

like nine to 12 big foots up in there. I think big foots is the proper term. Yeah, not big feet. If any of you have an opinion on whether it's big foot or big feet, I guess the time to email. Well, go to the last podcast, go to the last podcast, Facebook page and let us know there. Big feet sounds like a whole nother creature. No, he's got he's not only he's only got one big foot. He's got two big feet. So if you want to make an argument that the whole thing is wrong, it should just be big feet because he's got two big feet. And I will add that into my super theory. It's an ongoing debate then. I'm going with big foot. When I release my journals, everyone will see the truth. No, you're going to be

framed for a crime. You didn't commit just because they're so psychotic. So they go out there with their flashlight. They're looking at the object that is of large glowing ball on the ground and they see off to the left two glowing lights in the trees. They shine their flashlight over revealing a creature, which is said to be at least 10 feet tall, a red face bulging non human eyes and shaped like either a heart or the ace of space. People saying it's ace of space and it looks specifically very artificial. Now we're like which is really interesting because you're going to hear the there's several other sightings of this monster, which we'll hear right now. And apparently this is some sort of costume

he was wearing or some sort of protective suit makes sense. Yeah. Why don't you take some of the other sightings? Well, the other sightings were basically the other there was a couple driving was a 31 year old woman and her daughter were driving down the highway near the area where it was originally seen about a week later. And they saw another gigantic nine foot tall humanoid. They were driving very similar to a UFO story, blinding light hit the car. They stopped the car in front of them through this light and smoke, which began to surround the car, which again, they said smelled like mustardy smelled super sulfury. This creature and a gigantic look like what we hear and describe the original

sighting of the monster. It's like a gigantic metallic skirt. Yes. And the bleeding. Yes. And it said the same thing. This creature came forward and look lizard in nature nine feet tall to its hands. The same thing that described in the first monster, its hands were just like two long digits. Yeah, two fingers short stubby arms ending in long claw like fingers, which protruded from the front of the body. Yeah, it's just somebody after an 18 hour rave, you know, just body painted. Yeah, some woods rave. Yeah, but it was floating on on this device and it came up to their car, touched their car and apparently created a V burn on the hood of their car and then disappeared. And the car stopped, right? They

had some car troubles. Yeah, that was a very common UFO scenario. What is the name of the town again? This is Braxton County, West Virginia, Braxton County. So I'm just going to go on a limb, a 31 year old mother driving with her 21 year old daughter. Yeah, 21 year old daughter. Isn't that interesting? Both of age, but this is another common scope because you can easily connect this to the Mothman sightings because Mothman, same exact thing, full town, giant glowing, redding eyes, huge nine foot tall creature and they're, but he could fly. He didn't need this. But there's, there's a connection to the two that I think a lot comes from like, uh, the poison is gases coming out of the mountains. Well, that's

my favorite thing about it. This guy would, he would just get everybody super messed up on this, uh, on these inhalants. Mustard gas. Yeah, because the people who originally saw the flatwoods monster got incredibly sick. They say that even later on in that monster quest episode on, uh, though about the flatwoods monster, they basically said like everybody who was involved in the original sightings have been dying of cancer. But the thing is, it's a very old sighting and, uh, I have a feeling these people will all change. They were going to get a lot of whiskey and they all died. Uh, just, it seems to be natural causes. It's all coal mines. I mean, there is a very rational explanation for the flatwoods

monster. They had a blood and throat cancer. Yeah. Asteroid owl. Um, they call it. I don't understand. What do you mean? Explain this owl thing. They said that they, the way they have explained off the flatwoods monster is that it's this chain of that they saw, they saw an asteroid. There was a fire in the forest and then they saw a big old owl and it shined their lights on it in the, uh, in the, and they have a thing called, um, expectant perception. Yeah. Like they use in cryptozoology, which is that this idea that like if you are told that you're going to see shit and if like cause the mothman was also happening, I'm not like nearest to the same time. And these stories have happened all over the country

for forever. And so it's like, you're expecting to see something. So maybe you'll take the vision of an owl that he shined a flashlight on and make it into a giant monster in reality. Not only that, but in 1952, this was when aliens and UFOs were all over movies. They were all over comic books, television. These kids, they see something flying out of the sky. Remember their children. And then they, they will see what they want to see. They were in their teens. Yeah. They were in their teens, but still these are the types of kids that are going to be seeing that type of stuff. And the short, uh, type of protruding limbs with claws.

It's owl claws. Yeah. But how big? Oh, yeah. I mean, that's how it can get pretty big. They can't get nine feet. I mean, they can't. Well, if they're up top and you see, if they're on top of say a bush or something like that, because it was also described as being green in nature, the actual pleated skirt, it could be an owl sitting on top of a bush. How am I the one that is being portrayed as crazy right now? I'm just saying it just sounds crazy that just some owls can be around in the forest. I've seen a lot of owls that never thought it was the flatwood monsters. Not even once. Not at all. But you never know. But there is these stories have been told for years and years and years. And so, and

so we could probably hop from that to the moth man, of course, the moth man, which is just that we have, we've, when did moth man start 1966? Yeah. 1966. So, and this was again, West Virginia. I mapped it. It's been an hour from flatwoods. And so it's the same area again, a town sitting on, and that's specifically a point pleasant, right? Point pleasant was sitting on a coal waste dump, like underneath the ground. They dumped all the waste products from the coal mine into the water supply. Yeah, that's good. They've been getting poisoned for a while. So they were just seeing things. Maybe. Yeah. But I feel like if you get poisoned for 20 years, you get used to it. Oh, absolutely. You build the intolerance. Yeah. Yeah. Until

the cancer comes. Well, and the cancer is going to come for us all anyway. Most likely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Massive heart attack as well. That's that's a very good possibility. We don't know, though, going back to flatwoods real quick. We don't know where the smoke came from. And everyone does seem to think that that was a real phenomenon. It just sounds like the smoke is a part of what made you see the thing is that it's probably some fart from a mountain of poison. It was a mountain. It came out and yeah, it made everybody just go like the impact of the asteroid upon the ground could have expelled some sort of gas because there are asteroids falling on record on that day at that time in that area. Oh,

that's it. Yeah. Unless it came from the asteroid. That's a very, very good possibility. It's an asteroid in a big owl. Oh, it is. All right. All right. A lot of smoke, though. I'm going to take a look at the evidence again and decide for myself if it's not the black with the fucking monsters real or not. Oh, you mean the children's drawings? Yeah. Well, they're very well very creepy. Yeah. They're creepy as shit. I like the way you describe, you know, how that's just the earth fart and sort of like a guy's original. You're taking a big piss. And then like a volcano. Oh, it's just got shit. I'm not a scientist. Right. That's yours. Take a big shit. And then you're like, you're a bad father. They know that

most of you most had some spicy food. Oh, it looks like a spicy shit to me. Oh, so instead of us really getting into the moth, man, because we covered the mountain before. Everybody knows it. And so a real brief, a bunch of mothman sightings happened and then a bridge collapsed outside of this point. Pleasant West Virginia. And they believed it became this harbinger of bad news. Well, in reality, the bridge collapsed because of bad government. I mean, infrastructure in this country is not doing well. Not nailing it. No. Now, while many skeptics say that the Chupacabra phenomenon could not possibly be real as the creature only started showing up in Puerto Rico in the mid 90s. But that isn't necessarily true.

No as Necessario Verdad. Good job, Henry. Now, while the term Chupacabra only showed up around 1995, weird shit had been happening in Puerto Rico for decades before that and specifically weird vampire shit in addition to UFO secret government tests and a Bigfoot or two. Yeah. I would love to be on a Bigfoot hunt in Puerto Rico. They got the plantains and nothing but sweet, delicious pork and beaches and Bigfoot. Oh, El Yunque Rainforest, which is where Bigfoot has been seen many a time. El Yunque Rainforest is the most beautiful place I've ever been to on the entire earth. It's fantastic. And with any luck, there'll be a Gary Busey like billionaire aboard who just finds himself a poor impoverished person

from New York City, covers him in a Bigfoot outfit, throws him into the woods and you get to hunt him like you're like a real person. You're a hunter. You're four big feet. Also, this thing though, Bigfoot out in the jungle, kind of steaming, they're kind of humid, think it would shave itself. Probably looks like a normal big fat ugly person. But before we get to all that, let's cover some of the original mid 90s sightings. Now a woman named Madeline Tolentino reported that she witnessed a creature that was three feet tall ran on two legs in a strange hopping motion that will become important later. Remember that. Sounds like Lieutenant Dan, the forest bump. Yeah, large black eyes, bony fingers, long arms and legs

and a feathery line running down its back. But another witness who saw that creature closer up said that those feathers were actually sharp spines. And that witness was also close enough to see that the creature's mouth was full of fang like teeth. Perfect for goat sucking. Well, I don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but did they get married? Did they get married? The thing is that I don't necessarily see fangs and think, oh, that's good for sucking. Normally what I'd like to see is a long tube with a bunch of like probiscous. Yes, like spines at the very end of it. Now that's good for sucking. Well, that is a good point. And maybe we can get that answered. How do they actually get

the blood out of there? That's very true. I mean, there's a lot of difference here. How would they get the blood out of their mouth? Oh, you know what it was? Twirly straws. Every chupacabra comes with three churros. That's fun with it. Make it fun. Make it fun. This wasn't even close to the only sighting in the mid 90s. Nick Redfern, author of Chupacabra Road Trip, interviewed a farmer named Jorge, who lived in a small village and raised roosters for cockfights, an industry that legally pumps $100 million a year into the struggling Puerto Rican economy, employing 1.2 million people. Literally. And their baseball teams literally cost about 10 million a year. Well, we were talking before the show out of all

animal fights. Cockfights are probably the most reasonable. I mean, I dated a girl in high school whose dad was a cockfighter and he treated those animals wonderfully. Absolutely. This is technically some sort of validation syndrome because you chose to sleep within the cockfighting mafia. Well, you know what I mean? So you chose to love on the wrong side of the tracks, the cock fighting, cock fighting track. Roosters again. Yeah, I don't feel like they have that very many emotions. No. Until I saw chicken people. Oh. So you can come here and tell me that chickens don't have emotions and they should be allowed to fight each other. Well, I think it's the people that are broken inside that implant their emotions

inside the chicken. Maybe you're correct. And then it's sort of a reflection. I do want to say, though, the girlfriend that Marcus had, her father told her she must break up with Marcus because she's dating a chupacabra and he will kill the entire fighting flock. He's got those spaced apart teeth. Perfect for sucking. Leave him, leave him. So one night, Jorge woke up to the frightened cries of his beloved roosters, but decided it wasn't worth going out. Check on that night as chickens freaking out isn't exactly a rare occurrence. Yeah, why did he even wake up? All chickens and roosters do is scream. But when he woke up and took a look at the cages where the roosters were kept the next morning, he found

that all of them were dead. Now, while one might think this was merely one of many of Puerto Rico's wild dogs having a good time, the only wounds the roosters had received were two neat puncture wounds on their necks. Furthermore, the roosters have been completely drained of blood, although it is possible in a lot of these chupacabra cases where they say they're drained of blood, they say there's no real blood around, so they assume that there's no blood left. As Redford points out, lack of blood at the scene might just mean that the blood of the roosters had merely pooled into the lower parts of their bodies as that does tend to happen once a heart stops pumping blood. See, I had that happen to me

on Sunday because I had sat on the couch for approximately 12 hours and eventually the blood does pool all the way down. Well, I suffered from blood clots growing up. Okay. Honestly, though, he keeps saying this, all the blood is gone, total asongry as a vaccinatio. I'm not sure how to say gone. No, that's not right. But it's never all the way gone. In order to get all of the blood out of something, you need a probiscous. As far as I'm concerned. Or you got to shake it. Well, we've never actually caught a Puerto Rican chupacabra dead or alive, unlike the Texas chupacabra who has been caught dead many a time. This woman on Monster Quest, the woman who's been like, I found the chupacabra on my land and

I knew it was because I had never seen a canine form such as this. She chopped off the head of the corpse of this dead dog and froze it, put it in the freezer around her family, brings it out, and the guy at the cryptozoologist, she brings up this frozen head of a dog and is like, well, there's a first time for everything. Look at that. That's a dog. It was nice to have a severed dog head in your freezer for months. The only actual evidence that we had of the Puerto Rican chupacabra, forensically, was a bunch of chicken feathers that were supposedly covered in chupacabra saliva. But once they were finally sent for DNA testing, unfortunately, the sample had to grade it to a point where it was useless. And there

is somewhere a farmer wiping his brow of sweat, because he is like, if they find out I'm licking my chicken, I will be embarrassed. You are my favorite chicken. You'll be so succulent. How big in the top of your breast. I just want to go fight. Can I go fight? I would like to go fight. You're my sweet little loud, salt lick, delicious little chicken. The chupacabra would just come and save me from this hell. But the lack of blood wasn't the only strange thing about the crime scene. All the chickens have been locked away in separate cages when Jorge had gone to bed that night. But by the morning, each cage had been unlatched to get at the sweet rooster inside. This suggests a human culprit with

opposable thumbs. But how could a human drain that many chickens with no light to guide them? As this was a small village, there were no street lamps or anything like that. And how could said human get away with no footprints? He was floating on a bunch of balloons. That's popping the movie up. Oh, I like that movie. And then there's the matter of the hair. Jorge found a tuft of coarse hair stuck in the wires of one cage that had been particularly roughed up. Jorge gave the tuft to the cop who showed up to investigate the dead chickens. Cop said, I'm gonna go have it analyzed. But Jorge never saw the hair nor the cop ever again. Well, I mean, not a cop. That was a stripper on the way

to a bachelor. Yeah. But also, it just seems like you got a man named Jorge who lives out and he calls the cops over and he's just like, the God's not gonna come to my house. And literally, they're trying to shut him up. Right. So they look at the thing, they see a bunch of coarse hair on there. They should naturally assume that a Greek man has just gone rooster wild. Sure. Can you eat the chickens after the chupacabra has killed them? No, I mean, I think you can. A chupacabra chicken sounds it sounds exceptional and rare and probably a very high price for a plate of chupacabra chicken. I guess, honestly, the jury is out on that for me personally, only because you eat brains. I know, but they're

raised for that. They literally just they have their legs of atrophied and they'd be put in a tiny cage so they can do nothing but think so their brains get big and juicy. Oh, is that what they do when they put chickens in cages so they can think they can think they get big and juicy. So then, but my head, people also collect roadkill. Yes, roadkill. Well, you can't it's legal in many states. Barment stew. Yeah. They call it barman stew. Some people do. I don't could give it a new name. Probably could call it Lubbock stew. I think it's the same thing. But I don't have a problem with that. Good ass Vermont soup. Why not? This is more of a stew than a soup. It's just a name.

Yeah, we'll call it truck tire stew. Shout out to our listeners and ask them. Oh, absolutely. So by late January of 1909, the southern part of New Jersey, as well as parts of Pennsylvania and New York, were in a full blown panic that would last a full seven days known at the time as phenomenal week. In that week alone, people made well over 100 reports that they'd seen something resembling the Jersey devil. The whole thing started with a man named fact cousins who saw it flying down the street in Woodbury, New Jersey that Sunday. Then when a cop in Bristol, Pennsylvania reported that he'd seen the creature and it even took a shot, the thing became a little bit more real because a cop had seen it. Of course,

and he tried to shoot it immediately. I mean, he had to at the time. He thought it was holding a weapon over the next few days. Strange tracks started appearing in dozens of towns across southern New Jersey and Pennsylvania. And on January 19th, a Mr. and Mrs. Nelson Evans were woken up by a strange creature outside their house in the middle of the night. This is the account is told by Mr. Evans. It was about three feet and a half high with a head like a collie dog and a face like a horse that a long neck wings about two feet long and its back legs were like those of a crane. And it had horses hooves. I believe it was married to Matthew Broderick. It walked on its back legs and held up two short front

legs with paws on them. It didn't use the front legs at all while we were watching. My wife and I were scared, I tell you, but I managed to open the window and say, shoot. And it turned around, barked at me, and flew away. I believe it said its name was Sarah Jessica Parker. That is a classic bed. Classic bed. Sarah Jessica Parker. Wow. Relevant and classic. That's the thing. Another woman chased the devil down with the broom as it was trying to eat her dog. And that encounter was followed by the entirety of the Black Hawk social club seeing the devil whiz past their windows during a meeting. Wow. And that Black Hawk social club must have been a pile of bitches. And you know, when they came into

that to whatever quilt social that they went to afterwards, we all saw the Jersey devil last night and they're all like, oh, yeah, we did too. It sounds like someone's ghost is talking slammed slammed him again. Nice. Social clubs were they women or men? I thought the men were mostly in the social. Yeah, that was a social club. They had the Black Hawk social club. That was a bunch of dudes hanging out. I thought it was like a cool group of goth chicks and I got I was happy with the idea of it. No, it's a bunch of dudes from Trenton, New Jersey. I think everyone was kind of goth back then. It was more everybody looked like John C. Riley back then. Yeah. Yeah, everyone, the men and the women. Yeah.

But it wasn't until a city councilman in Trenton claimed he'd seen the devil, which made the whole damn thing official that the Jersey devil panic really got out of hand. You can always trust public officials in Trenton. Always. So by Friday, schools were closed and factories were shut down because the men refused to leave their families to go to work. This is after just five days. Wow. And other men formed posses and searched for the devil throughout the night. This is so fun. Yes, it's awesome. Even a local fire department got in on the game when they freaked out and sprayed what they assumed to be the Jersey devil with a fire hose until whatever it was ran away screaming. Probably just the town

drunk. Just a guy, just a guy with like elephantitis who's just been like, there's no reason for this treatment. I'm the only one in this town who knows how to do taxes. Everything settled down by the end of January and the sightings of the Jersey devil have been sporadic at best ever since with one of the most gruesome happening in 1966 says you though, Marcus, because every single person I know that I texted the two people I know from Jersey and both of them said, oh, yeah, I got a Jersey devil story. And then when you watch other docs and like the monster quest episode about Jersey devil, everybody's got a story which involves been like, we're out. And you I mean, we were completely straight, but we had only

a couple of beers or only smoking a little bit. And next thing you know, I'm looking at a dog horse. We all say the same. Yeah, it's all it's the exact same story over and over again, except for this one in 1966. This is another clip from mother leads 13th child from a cop who responded to a call about the Jersey devil attacking a farm. I was called here Mr. Silcoch advised the station that he was missing numerous ducks and some other type of animals. I arrived at the scene here at this time he advised me that he was missing 31 ducks, four cats, two dogs and a few geese. Apparently some type of animal come in and gotten these foul and his animals and taken them off somewheres, neither just killed them

for the sake of killing or had eaten some of them. No other animal could have done that. I love cop talk so much. I love that. And upon the scene of the crime, all 30 plus one that is 10 plus 10 plus 10 plus one 31 Trent Uno in Italian, the foul, the water foul with marble texture to their wings, to their feathers, the ocular, I don't know what the scientific word for feathers, John, you know, they would disappear a Indian from the scene. They do let you know everything they know, everything they know. Yes. Yeah. I mean, if we're going to talk lake monsters, we would be remiss if we didn't start with the most infamous lake monster of all time, the biggest and most famous cryptid that we have yet to cover here on

the show. Choose. Choose wisely. Choose wisely. What's it going to be? Jack Nicholson on the sub eating a sandwich. That is my favorite. I had to go through a series of people, but then I was like, I'll be mad at me. They'll respect that person. Jack Nicholson, because he's doing so well, eating a sandwich on a boat. That's my favorite. I'm talking about the Loch Ness monster. Oh, this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, when it comes to a location where cryptid might live, it's hard to do better than Loch Ness. Loch Ness is the largest body of freshwater in all of Britain. And other than a few vacationing middle class Englishmen, it was largely unspoiled until 1933, when some of the locks surrounding

forest was cleared away to give easier access. And a sum of Loch Ness's entire situation was ruined by next week's topic, which I'm actually very discredited for about how what is we're going to cover deforestation. We're going to talk about what's going on in Brazil right now. No, no, that's like season 25 of the last podcast on the left. We're just talking about how like bugs are also kind of evil. And I love that. I can't wait to read the bugs are also kind of evil script. Some organs look weird. Yeah. Furthermore, Loch Ness is not a singular body of water. The River Ness connects the lock to the sea, which conveniently gives Loch Ness believers an excuse when people ask why Nessie isn't

being constantly spotted by the hundreds of thousands of observers who have been coming to the lock since the 30s. Well, he's got to everyone's trying to punch its vagina like Marcus Parks did. I did not punch the Loch Ness monster's vagina. You would if you could. I know you would. Absolutely. I know that about him. However, people do tend to see something out there with fair regularity. And there's a reason for that. The locks waters are often terribly calm and the high shorelines cast shadows and reflections that cause small objects like birds and small animals like otters to appear much larger than they really are. What does the otter do? He plays eats. That's it. Okay. You seen any puts the blocks

of the different shapes in the proper slots? Yeah, I just don't know how an otter survives other than like for fun on Instagram. Turnin' tricks. It's a sex worker of the lake world. In addition, wakes from boats passing through the lock, of which there are many, can be reflected from the shores to form a standing wave in the center of the lock long after the boat has passed out of sight, which could easily be mistaken for the wake of a large creature swimming underwater. And it also has a lot of like weird channels underneath it. It has a, but it's got a weird bottom to it where they say that people can, things can hide or whatever, but it does seem to be more than anything. Every time they've

taken pictures of what could be, there's a recent picture of a Loch Ness actually that came out like several months ago that came out, but it was a big fish. Well, that's yeah, but it's fun if you just call it a Loch Ness monster. And what's the difference? And so I mean, yeah, you're getting on my page. Yeah, what? I mean, honestly, the, the water is still full of the scariest of all the creatures as far as I'm concerned. If you call it a tuna sandwich, it becomes a tuna sandwich. That's what Subway did. Now Scotland is full of locks just like Loch Ness, some so deep that the Eiffel Tower could be dropped to the depths and the tip wouldn't even break the surface. Whoa, Carmen San Diego. Wait,

is she in the Eiffel Tower under the ocean? That's where she put it. That's where she put it. I don't know. Carmen San Diego, you were trying to find Carmen San Diego. I don't think that she had anything. Did she have anything? She would steal the important historical figures and landmarks. That's why you were trying to find Carmen San Diego. I thought they were, I thought she was just a missing person. What do you think? She thought that she was just like guilty or rape or something? Yeah, like Roman Blansky. I don't know. I thought everyone was just trying to find Carmen San Diego. I thought, I honestly was like, someone kidnapped her. Like, what is she from Utah? Like, what's going on? Wow, you missed

the whole point of that show. What was, honestly, what documentation did they have? She would say like, ha, ha, ha. They'd see her in her helicopter lifting up the Eiffel Tower going, ha, ha, ha. So she was evil. Yeah, she was the villain. A cappella saying the things all. I remember that. Well, because there are so many locks in Scotland, the Scottish, like many folk who develop societies around large bodies of water have a plethora of folklore involving terrifying water monsters. Most disturbing is the shape shifting Kelpie, also known as Eyck, which roughly translates in English as water horse. I wonder why they went with Kelpie as opposed to... Something Scottish, Scottish has old language. They

don't think they have Gaelic. Is it the same as Gaelic? I mean, they, yeah they're that Yeah, that's a Gaelic. That is definitely Gaelic. No, that's not the Gaelic I know. That's your gray. We're here. We're ready for you. We're ready to be guests on your show. Thirty-nine and holding. Well ironically, water horses are always encountered on land and can be identified by the seaweed tangled up in their mane and their wet skin. If an unsuspecting or foolish soul decides to climb upon this mystery horse, they would

find that the water horse's skin is also highly adhesive. Oh, sticky horse. That is not a game you want to play with your grandfather. And the water horse will gallop straight into the lock, taking the stuck and screaming victim down to the depths where they meet a horrific death by drowning. I know what I saw! Look at that guy over there molesting that horse to death. Wow, that is horrible. Really, I cannot think of a worse fate. So do you die from the drowning or do you die from them destroying your entire body?

In this fantasy, you die from drowning, but it does sound like what could have happened is they got got by a boa constrictor and you could call a big snake a water horse if we're getting into creative names for things that we don't understand. Call it a freaking anaconda. I don't think they ever had boa constrictors or anacondas in Scotland. Yeah, I don't even know if they have jungle snakes in their locks. I don't know what they have over there. Something can get wandered over there because when you think about maybe during the Roman

times when they spread deep into the Anglo-Saxon territory, they could have accidentally have brought with them various exotic animals and littered them throughout these areas. This is actually a theory that I now in my Starbucks Addle Brain I actually think is literally Noah's Ark. I think it's just a lesson that's don't get on a strange horse. What? I would never touch a horse. That was the light horse.

Wait, that's the lesson you got out of this? Well, specifically, the water horse targets children by pretending to be tame and gentle and it's back. Come on. Oh yeah, come on, kids. What you doing? You playing a game? I'm a fun-talking horse.

You know, it's weird that you have that to try to attract me, a child. It's the most creepy thing I could- You're the biggest child I've ever seen. No, I don't like that voice at all. Oh yeah, come on. Get on me, long child. All right. Well, the water horse's back will actually lengthen to accommodate as many children as

are present. Oh. Then, once all of them are glued on tight, the water horse speeds them to their doom. Sweet. Honestly, there's so many kids in Scotland in these areas, they have a lot of kids. I mean- Sometimes it's good to have someone to take out, like, eight in one go to help the town have enough corn. Get this thing some training, make it a bus driver.

Why not? The kids are already on there. That'll be kind of a fun way to show up to school until you have to unstick yourself from the sea serpent and you probably will lose the back of your pants. Honestly, we're really building out our cryptid high school, like, cryptid high school. Whoa. Yeah. So, on a bulk tail featuring the water horse, one of the children actually cuts off all

of his fingers in a bid to escape. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Fingerless, he then watches as all of his friends are carried off into the water, which of course makes him the one who survives to tell the tale. I was training to play the harp. Oh, that's really sad. Now I've got to use my fate and my dick.

Yep. You're going to have to become a drummer. Strangely, many water horse stories are very similar to vampire folklore. Sometimes a water horse will take the form of a man or a woman, then shapeshift into a horse instead of a bat when it comes time to eat the victim alive. That's scarier than a bat. Yeah, why would they ever be a bat? There's something terrifying about just like, kissle standing up, waking up, kissle standing

above my bed just being like, I got lost going to the refrigerator. And then all of a sudden he morphs into a horse. Yeah. That's scariest. Fuck. And then starts eating you alive. Get on, I'm sticky. I think a horse eating you has actually got to be fucking painful.

You're going to want to hop on me now, I'm sticky. Okay, good. Better get out there while the stick is fresh. There's actually even a water horse story in which the creature shapeshifts into a horse and chases his victim all the way back home, but is unable to enter because, like the vampire, he must be invited inside before he can cross the threshold. Interesting. Wow.

Wow, this would be great for horse girls. Wouldn't they want to turn into a big, dude, horse girls want to, they're girls that are, they normally have very long hair and they are obsessed with horses. In school, I'm surprised you didn't see some because you were from farm areas. Well, we had cows, oh, someone who does, someone who's upset, like girls that are obsessed with horses. A lot of the times, they're particular, they're an interesting bunch, lonely, loving horses, the solitary nature of horses, they're the only ones that the horses can understand,

the horses, the only thing that they can understand. My question is, is that like, do they want to turn into a horse or do they just want to have sex with one? It seems like their perfect man would be a centaur. I do know some horse girls who had the experience of riding horses all the time, were quite fond of riding the horse. Well, a lot of kids, you know what I mean. Quink, quink, quink, quink, that's what happens when you tell a woman, better get in, what

a horse is sticky. Well, that's the only reason they get away with all the beastiality, no one can see it happening. This is ridiculous, double standards. They can ride the horse, I said, oh, she's just really, she's into charcuterie, what's that called when you ride? She'd have to ride the horse upside down, she'd have to grip onto what it's called to do, like she was hugging it.

What's that thing? What did you call that when you play with the horses all the time? It's not charcuterie, that's a meat cheese board. It's called cuterie, I am just saying you open it up yourself. I don't think there's a word, I don't think there's a word, there's a word, there's a word. Mitt Romney's wife does it. Oh, you're talking about dressage, you're talking about dressage, dressage, it's fancy

horse walking, that's not what I'm saying, that horse walking, those horses might be sticky, you don't know. You said, what's the word for when you play with horses all the time? That's what it is. They get paid a lot of money to do that. The horses get paid to do that, to be charoked by those people. Guys, just so you know, and March will have been doing last podcast and left for ten years. And I think that's the dumbest you've sounded.

No, I don't think so, I don't think so, years. Kevin loved horses, he had horse illustrated. Oh, don't make me sad. Well concerning their ubiquity, stories about water horses were told in Scandinavia, Siberian Russia, Italy, and Eastern Europe, and one explorer of the Americas in 1535, hard natives tell a story of a fish shaped like a horse that wandered land by night, searching for victims. Can I ask something?

If it's a fish that's shaped like a horse, can we just go ahead and call it a fucking horse? Yeah, because it's on land. It's a horse. When it's in the water, it's a fish, and when it's on land, it's a horse. That's pretty cool. But how do you refer to it? A fashorse.

Ooh, a fashorse! That's scary, and you have to, even if you're sober, you're like, I saw a fashorse should be like, he's hammered. No, the fashorse, you're way too de-wished. I know, the fashorse, you're way too de-wished. Fly from Northland. Now our next cryptid today has been seen much more than just once, but it still fits the postulation that these creatures are slipping in and out of our dimension, but this one,

like many of the others will discuss later, seems oddly in between human and animal. That's what people even say about us, but look at us, I'll show you I'm a human being. I'll show you my butt. Sure. Now I believe we've already talked about this creature at some point in the past. I think it was on one of our early adult swim live streams, but in the context of this episode, the story of the lizard man of scape or swamp bears repeating. So on June 29, 1988, a 17-year-old named Christopher Davis was driving home from work in the early

morning when he blew a tire near the edge of the scape or swamp near Bishopville, South Carolina. Hello. My name is a tire. Save it. We got live shows this weekend, right? We need to fucking burn through this shit now, all right? Till we get to stage this weekend.

He got out of the car and changed the tire, but just as he was finishing up, he heard the thumping sound of something rapidly approaching. No. Christopher turned and out of the darkness came a seven-foot-tall, scaly green bipedal lizard with three black-clawed fingers and glowing red eyes. Hey, Salby, have you played Red Dead Redemption 2? I love Red Dead Redemption 2. Also, I'm just going to point this out.

A lot of height shaming going on today, guys. Oh, whatever. There's no height shaming. Where's the shark cryptids? Where's the little troll cryptids? I've asked about doing tiny creatures, which we did gnomes once, and we will eventually do because there is a whole chapter in the Inhumanoids on here-suit small creatures. So we can actually do quite a bit of book-ing.

No. I mean, we are, most of the creatures we're talking about will be seven feet tall. I do have a couple of little ones for you coming up later, so you won't feel too bad, but it's just I'm sorry, Ben. Most cryptids are gigantic. They're either tall. They're very, very tall. That's how they are seen over reeds.

Well, and of course, that would be because they're intergalactic and the gravity changes so they would be taller. Now, wouldn't that- You know what? That's the first fucking point made today. Absolutely. What's extremely odd about the lizard man or lizard man is that they seem to have a particular aversion towards automobiles, and as a result, don't really pay much attention

to human beings. Now, this is a great topic on Coast to Coast AM. If you look up lizard man, there's a lot of lizard man coverage in Coast to Coast AM, and you know why? It's because George Norrie cannot physically understand why lizard men hate cars. Because he's stuck on this, and this whole time you're like, I don't understand. These lizard men can go so much farther than South Carolina if they have themselves some form of vehicle.

Yeah. Why do you think they're scared of? Is it because Fords are fixer of air daily? He went, he did, he's very mad, and then most of the people say this, and there was one cryptid hunter on Coast to Coast AM, whose main thing is like, can you even imagine how many lizard men must have been mauled and hurt by traveling vehicles? Sure. Because when it comes down to it, they're skittish, you're more scared of us than them,

and they shouldn't because they're scary, and we're not, right. Cars are very scary for a lizard man or lizard entity. They say lizard men get clipped by cars, yeah, they say that they take their rage out on these cars, because they've been clipped by them all the time. I believe it. When Christopher Davis saw this creature, he jumped in his car and tried escaping, but before he could take off, the lizard man attacked the vehicle by ripping off the mirror and gouging the roof.

I mean imagine if you are a creature that has slipped in from another dimension, you keep getting hit by cars and killed by cars. You don't know what a car is, so you just keep attacking the car, you think the car is your natural enemy, you don't know that the little thing inside is actually the thing that you should kill. Yes. Honestly, a car is just a cryptid kinder egg, you tear it open and then you get your little prize on the inside.

Oh yeah, the screaming little meat nerd, it's like a big clam. Play with the person like they're a bicycle and throw it away. Jurassic Park, Tyrannosaurus Rex has the moment where it starts attacking the car like it's a person, like as an animal it fell. And Tyrannosaurus Rex was just so upset because it couldn't touch its own balls. Christopher did get away without any further damage, but that summer, multiple cars in the vicinity of that swamp were vandalized, with ripped fenders, deep scratches and bent antenna amongst more destruction.

I will give credit to some of the crypto hunters on Coast to Coast AM, cause George Dory does it and he never does this, but he did pose a question, now maybe there's some form of natural explanation for these lizard man, could be some form of dinosaur caught in a time machine. You know, like. That's the natural explanation. We used to do the same thing when we were just like teenagers, we used to rip stuff off of cars and stuff.

No, no, only lizards can do this. Where's one broken crypto hunter who was like, that's an interesting question, George, whether or not it could be a natural phenomenon, because the one thing I will say, and I will, I will duly blame. And so we got a highway run through here. You don't know what comes off these circus trucks. These cryptozoologists are so afraid of the circus, they bring it up in each episode. They blame the circus, they're like, you know, these circus, you know, one of these creatures

come up on one of these circus, these circus trains come up over there, these circus don't report it. These circus don't report it. They don't report it. They're felons. No, because when it comes down to circus, it slimy, calm man, coming around here, telling you what your weight is. I'll tell you what my weight is.

I'll tell you what, oh, you think that's a big lady? Oh, this ain't bigger than my aunt Tom. Uh-huh. Yeah, you can put a beard on anyone. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. No, remember we were, what was the one that we were, that we did the live show bet on many years ago, where the fucking, the goat ax, the ax with the gigantic goat, the whole

thing was that it escaped from a lightning storm, had like a big fucking thunderbolt, had struck this fucking train, this circus train, and now this creature is hanging around underneath this bridge killing teenagers for the next 30 years. But the way that this cryptozoologist talked about circuses, it's if he survived something wicked this way comes, when he was so scared of the circus, he's like, I ain't got no rules. You know, they live their everyday jobs and they run out and out and they're spinning on poles.

So one of these people going there, they were wearing nothing, just nothing, wearing a bikini, jumping on top of a horse instead of being an accountant, trying to say, I don't have a real job, just because I wanted to go, because I wanted to go, I want them to flip upside down. I think there's a lot of people with the vendetta against the circus for one reason or another. Maybe they lost a family member, maybe they wanted to be a carny and were rejected because they were too sober. You actually have to be very skilled to join the circus.

I know, honestly, please God, please be skilled if you are running any amusement park ride. Oh yeah. I don't think they are though. No, they're not. Be very careful on those. No, no, we were in Kennywood and every employee, honestly, at the most was 13 years old. Yeah, yeah. Same at Coney Island.

But I trust the kids at Coney for some reason. I don't know why. For some reason. Because they've been raised watching the coaster go, they should know how to work it, right? They're just there on the boardwalk, you know, they've absorbed all of this information. Yeah. Well, in one lizard man case, a couple of weeks after Christopher's encounter, a couple reported that their car was covered in teeth marks and scratches.

And when police investigated, they found some hair and a muddy three-toed footprint. Oh. Now, the lizard man or lizard men, they laid low for about 20 years. How about lizard women? That's true. Sure. Sure. They should actually change sex really easily if they are an amphibian, so it should actually

be a lizard person. You answered your own question. Yep, I did. Didn't I? Good work. Well, I'm like fucking Ted Talk. Good work. They also might have just returned to where they came from for 20 years.

Oh. But in 2008, a woman named Dixie Rawlson walked out one morning from her house to find that the front half of her van was chewed up by some obviously large creature. I know this was my ex-husband, Steve. Does he eat a lot of cars? I know what he's trying to do, blaming it on lizards. Something had bitten through the front grill, both sides of the van above the wheel wells were bitten as well, and the metal trim was bent as if it was made of nothing stronger

than paper. This woman also reported a trail of blood, and according to her report, a good number of her 20 cats were missing. Nine is a good number. Okay. I'd take a good number as seven, because if it's nine, it's almost half my cats is gone. But if it's seven, that's a good number.

I'd go five to seven, yeah, five to seven in there, because four isn't a good number, a small number, yeah, five to seven. Why did you hit 20 cats? Are you even counting? At some point, I would imagine that I would have counted the same cat three or four times. Yeah, you can't tell them apart too often. Ten years later, a different woman claimed to have gotten a picture of the lizard man, but that picture is almost certainly a fake.

This somewhat famous picture shows a confident, muscular, particularly rubbery lizard man striding through a clearing in a wooden area like he's got the fucking biggest dick in town. He might. He might. He could. I will say, you know what I saw that was actually pretty realistic was a drawing of that picture. It's actually much more realistic than the picture itself.

Fantastic. Well, the woman claimed that she took the picture when she was leaving church, I suppose, trying to lend Jesus to her honesty. A lot of the picture is fun. It's also obviously a humbug. The H word. Yeah. And speaking of having fun with the lizard man, in 2017, the South Carolina emergency

management division tweeted a warning about the upcoming solar eclipse. They said paranormal activity increases during solar events. And we don't know. We don't know. That's so cute. I love it when the government makes funny little jokes. It's like they said, maybe there's a lizard man that they maybe they're more active here in solar.

I don't know. Hold on. It's so funny. Maybe they are. But they're advising the residents to remain vigilant against the car munchers. It's so fucking funny. It's so fucking funny. It's like trap bears.

It's so fucking funny. It is funny. Do you know that 45 grand spent each year on the fake tracking of Santa Claus at Christmas? Nice. I think it would be irresponsible if they were using harp for it. We would have shot him down many, many years ago. We're already testing out the electromagnetic rays that we're using to knock down orbs out of the sky right now.

Which is actually probably what happened at Roswell as well to bring that all the way full circle. One interesting thing about the lizard man, which is why I think she took the picture of it outside of church, or says she did, or connected it to church, is that there are a lot of people in the area that view lizard man and things like lizards as a, or a walking lizard, an upright lizard,

or whatever you however they wanna call it, as an example that Satan still walks the earth. And that that is an example of them using, that's an example that Satan is still strong enough to physically manifest onto planet earth. And that actually, the whole lizard man thing has this strange biblical side to it, where they talk about it as if it's a harbinger

of bad things to come, or that literally lizard man might eat your pussy and turn you into a Satanist, which he might. I don't know what it'll do. Wait, so what does God have to do with him attacking cars and Satan? Satan hates cars? Does Satan not like cars?

Yeah. Holy fucking shit, Satan doesn't like cars. Yeah, you're gonna have to give him your car then, buddy. I think he doesn't like speed. Okay. And he doesn't like things like that. Take it slow, you're here for a while. But because they connected also to the idea

of the reptilian aliens, and how the reptilian aliens, if they are real, right? The idea they feed off of negative energy, and the constant division about whether or not our aliens angels are aliens demons, and they use that to kind of say this, because they kind of lump the lizard man into this kind of pan pseudo religious idea

that cryptids are demons. I mean, the nice thing is, you can make it all up. You can make up anything. You can just say anything you want. So that's great. Yeah, it is fun. Isn't it nice? Yep.

Now, one of the things that I often hear people lamenting is that these sorts of encounters seem to be in the past. That sightings and weird shit don't happen anywhere near as much as they used to. But with just a little bit of Googling, and mostly with the site phantomsandmonsters.com, I found that people are still seeing weird shit all over America almost every single day.

And much of it is entirely unique. Well, last year, during the height of the quarantine, we talked with our buddy, John Tenney, who talked about one of the weird anomalous things that he was doing and reported quite a bit. It was those floating hairy squares. In Detroit, as a matter of fact, I believe, yeah. Multiple people from different areas

who had not talked with one another. These two covered in hair. Floating through. And in my mind, there's, you know, is that ball lightning? Is that an example? And is the hair something that's just kind of static? Or is this new fangled, now or America's of finally accepted obsession with orbs?

Hmm, who knows? One person in Tennessee said that his father was transporting some goods through Mont Eagle. Okay. Why did you make goods sound nefarious? Because, I mean, that is what people transport. He just said goods in air quotes as if it's just corn. Because you'd say corn if it was corn.

Yeah, no, when you say goods, it's purposefully vague and I don't trust purposefully vague when it comes to transportation of goods. Yeah, it's women in a U-Haul. Wow, all right. But this guy's father said that he saw something that night that, quote, rubbed him the wrong way. I hate that.

In the middle of the night, this goods transporter saw a cat-like creature with abnormally long legs and a short torso. Aye. They're gonna get Jackson Galaxy out there. Aye, aye, I will be tamed. It had a notably ugly face and was sitting on a brick wall on the side of the road, perched feet flat and knees bent.

I'm just living my life while you're all hating on me. Let it live, let it live its life. Come on, come on, some people like me, I don't. The creature was at least four feet tall and while it had a body like an animal, its face was human-like, but unsettlingly deformed. All right, what do you want from me, right? You want to be more cat-like and then I will be fine?

Because I'm human-like, I'm deformed, is that what you see? I'm actually fine. I think you're super cute, cat weird thing. I do? No, I don't think you're that cute. Please don't cat-fuck me. I'm more human-like than cat-like. No, you're not, you're still more of a cat.

I'm not gonna fuck you. Yeah, don't fuck the cat, remember? No, I do remember. That was a test. Similarly, two people in Northern California saw a creature with animal-like features, but like the creature in Tennessee, the whole package was put together

in a bizarrely random and uncanny way. I love mixed-matched animals. I love them. This is my favorite part of, like, cryptids, is that stuff where it's just like, I don't know what happened in between dimensions. They all just get scrambled up. Yeah, a whole bunch of horrible, horrible taxidermy.

These people said that they were on deliveries when they saw a creature near a disused rail yard at about 11 o'clock at night. This odd creature, waist-high with the features of a cat or a rabbit, something in between, was standing on a trashed-out boxcar. Okay. Once it was noticed, it quickly skittered off

on two hind legs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little cabin. It's a cabin. And even more unsettling was its face. The face was extremely round, unsettlingly round. What's with the round? I don't know.

It sounds just like Thomas the Tank Engine. It's not that bad. I know that he's fake, man. If I saw a fucking talking train, I'd become a domestic terrorist. Yeah. And like the creature in Tennessee, this creature wasn't quite human,

but it wasn't quite animal either. Life from your grave. There it was, everyone. I hope you had a fantastic, what was it, 90 minutes of pure cryptid heaven? Oh, we don't know. We'll never know. We don't know.

85 minutes. Okay, everyone, thank you so much for listening. Hope you learned a lot about things that may or may not exist. Either way, did it get you laid? What are you talking about? It's still real to me, damn it. I know.

It's still real to me. I did just catch you looking at the Bigfoot subreddit. Of course. Those are, that's where I am. That's where I lurk. High strangeness, cryptid lore, Bigfoot fox. Let me just see what you're saying. Dude, no, look, you're right, but you want to see this?

You guys were all talking. I did a close-up on a frame of Patty. Yeah, look at this. Enhanced. They even painted more of a man. No, that's an eight-face. This is why the jury system doesn't work. This is from the Patterson Gimli video.

Someone enhanced on the face. Been saying it looks more like a man. Henry is saying, you look like a Bigfoot. And Marcus. And I'm saying that he looks like George Mirazan. However, he could also be a Bigfoot. We don't know. He wouldn't allow the government to have his DNA

for his 23 and me, which I think all giants should be forced to submit to. All right, everyone. Thank you so much for listening. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Hail game. Magus Dalatians, everyone.

Why don't you go out there and cover some stranger in suntan lotion on your spring break and just, hail me. Just say that. Create into their butthole. That'll be nice. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them.

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