Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 115: Creepypasta VII - The High Price We Pay at the Pump

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

It's another installment of Creepypasta, this time with salty seamen, mysterious diseases, and screaming deer!

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time. On the left. Why? That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? The old man reaches as high as true. I understand, in my job as a citizen,

I reach down and I tie a shoe. I touch his little walls and I was like, do you remember I can do anything I want to pray I'm old. I'm young. I'm strong. So now you're placed in society. I give a little pat. But get out of here, you fucking old naughty.

No matter what he is, he's old. He's just an old man tied to a shoe. Yeah, everyone survives because they fucking make a deal. Because they cut a deal with the devil. But he's not surviving, he's about to die. I'm saying, anybody who's still alive after 70, cut a deal with somebody.

So they have a irritable bowel syndrome and society has changed all around them and they can't keep up. It's like every story we see, we make a wish with a genie and a genie makes the wish bad. A monkey paw scenario. A monkey paw scenario. Welcome to the show, that's Marcus Parks.

I'm Ben Kissle. We're joined by a terrible human being. I agree, Sam. I don't really do these things. That's satire. That's satire. I don't really go when I touch old men. If I fucking wanted to, I could. Because what the fuck are they going to do? Yeah, you were in World War II. Guess what? 60 years ago.

Was it 60 years ago? I'm the MTV generation. Right? Yeah, you fought the greatest war. You know what I did? I got no jobs, thanks to you. This country, you're fucking drying up the world. Old man. I think you're projecting a lot of things.

A lot of your insecurities and inefficiencies on this poor elderly gentleman. No, I'm just saying. That's Henry Zabrowski. It's me. It's Henry Zabrowski. Hi. Hello. You better not be an old man. I can podcast. Put away your computer that my generation made possible. Mine. Not yours.

Alan Turing, I think, would be it. He didn't give him a lot of credit for being of that generation. No, I'm talking. No, no, man. A homosexual. Isn't that something? All right. Well, speaking of computers, all of the stories that we're about to read to you on today's creepypasta program came from the computer. Ghostly gnocchi.

Oh, nothing like fluffy pillows of ghostly gnocchi. Ghostly gnocchi sounds amazing. Oh, man. So big. Just goat cheese, gnocchi, gnocchi. And you eat that. You got some lamb ragu on the side. Sign me up. And my pornos. Did you just hit puberty?

Oh, yeah. I'll have the gnocchi, please. Yeah. Batman? Yeah. Something like Batman. I'll have the Batman special, please. Yeah. That's where you bring me gnocchi. That's the third puberty when Henry goes through menopause,

which is kind of bizarre because he's not technically a woman. Yeah. So we're going to read some creepypastas today. This is the big thing. We've had a lot of flack from people. These 911 calls that we used to do for these scary episodes, they're irresponsible. And we know and we're stopping doing it.

We're not doing it anymore, right, Marcus? Right. We're not playing any more 911 calls because it's terrible. It makes people upset. And so today we're just going to be reading creepypastas and it's going to be, we're just going to scare you a light scare. Well, you didn't set up that surprise at all.

I'm just saying we're not playing any 911 calls. No 911 calls. I wonder if we're going to play a 911 call. Ben? The game is yes and. It's an improv game. You keep the ball in the air. You're not playing any 911 calls.

And if I hear one, I'm quitting the podcast. Oh, okay. Well, then I hope we play a bunch. All right. So we ready to read some creepypastas. Let's read some spooky spaghetti. You know, I actually, because I was sleeping in my hotel room in New Orleans, but it is true though. There's so many talk of ghosts and stuff

that I was really waiting to like wake up and see an old man like standing in the foot of my bed. And then it did happen, but it was just the help. And obviously. And I was like, don't make the bed while I'm in it. And he's like, oh, is that a goat? Yeah. That's similar to your maid joke that you did. Oh, that arranged.

On the last episode of, or two episodes ago now. And Henry, we just covered the Bridgewater Triangle of course. Yeah. A couple of episodes ago. And Henry, you wanted to defend yourself in New Orleans. Yes. I want to say that. Yes. It's a little bit late coming, but yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you guys can say whatever you want about

because I'm not in the studio, but guess what? Yeah, I was fucking hammered. Right. On this tour. I know more than him. Right. You're going to come at me and try to tell me what you know. And I don't know if you would consider the fact that some people on this tour are fucking experts at the paranormal.

Technically, you came at him because he was just leading a tour. I paid to take the tour. Yes. But he, but that's what I'm saying. That's why I then said that yes to the tour. It's a good tour. French Quarter fandoms is a good tour. Sure. Because he answered my questions. And sometimes you got a fucking, the old couple

that I was standing next to in the tour group, they started asking me questions. And how do you think that made the tour guy field? I don't give a shit. The tour guide field. I feel like maybe he felt like less of a man and I beat him. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Something like that. Maybe he was making borderline minimum wage.

I just didn't want to deal with a chair of based ghost lover. But who knows? Henry was telling us he would go to the, he would be like, and this is, you know, such a, such a mansion and it's haunted. He'd be like, oh, those are the original structures. Yeah, but they're asking good questions. Did they have a paint job in 1983

on those structures now? Because that will affect the, it will affect. All right. So, all right. So now let's start again. Let's so creepyposses. Yeah. Lay down on your bed. Okay. Unbutton your shirt a little bit. If you're a man. If you're a woman.

Just take off your bra underneath your shirt. Smoke a fucking bowl of whatever you can get. Some, some golden rod fuzz. Some fucking deep dish. Nugza. Only marijuana though. Marijuana. Yeah. No, no crack. No crack.

You could, you could smoke, smoke crack. If you want. That's what you do. That's what you do when you listen to podcasts. I don't know how you'd focus on a podcast if you're all fucking a man crack. Yeah. But if that's what you do. Lay back. Turn off the lights. And just let us coast you to a cemetery.

Load of ghosts. On the sounds of our voices. That's great. All right. No, that was that was great. That is great. All right. There we go. In the mirror. Don't look at me.

All right. Normally you sleep soundly. But the thunderstorm raging outside is stirring you from your sleep. You begin to doze. Then another crash jolts you away. You're awake. The cycle lasts most of the night.

So you lay there, eyes open and outward looking at your room stretching up before you in oblong shadows. Your eyes move from nameless object to object until you reach your mirror sitting adjacent to you across the room. Suddenly a flash of lightning

in the mirror flickers in illumination. For a second the mirror reveals you dozens of faces. Silhouettes within its frame. Mouths open. An eye is blackened. They stare at you. They're black pupils fixed upon your face.

Then it's done. Are you sure what are you saying? Unsettled, you don't sleep for the rest of the evening. The next morning you remove their mirror from your wall and put it in the trash. It didn't matter if the vision you had seen was of truth or falsehood.

You wanted to be rid of that mirror. In fact you scrap every mirror in your house. Just like the Larson's did when Ed was born. Weeks pass in the event of that night fall into passive memory. You are spending the day at a friend's house and it's time to use the bathroom.

While you're in there the faucet starts to run without you prompting it. Taken aback by this you do not yet act. Trying to reason with your paranoia in your mind. The water starts to steam and a skin of moisture covers

the mirror up above. You're watching intently as words form. Please return the mirrors. We miss watching you sleep at night. Well that's great. It is scary. Get those mirrors. In the mirrors.

I feel like the mirror has been like you're looking fat. You're not looking great. That's okay. I'll make you look thinner. Those pants don't fit. Oh my goodness. The meanest mirror is around. There you go ladies and gentlemen.

Did you fart? No. Someone took a shit. Stop it. Stop it. People are tired of hearing about it. People are tired of hearing about the weird smell in the basement. I know about the weird smell in the basement. It was a sudden weird smell. I did it every day.

I was going to say edit it out. Nobody farted. It is disgusting. It is a good odor. I saw a pretty young girl going to the bathroom and she dumped. Maybe that's it. It's like we're on a date. I got to read these things here.

This one is called power outage. When I was six everything was simple. This is true. This is a true story. Is this real? I'll read it in a child. When I was six when I was six everything was simple. Just like every other six year old's life.

Pretty simple stuff. Although there was this time when actually I don't know what happened. It was June 13th, 1999. How old then? I was six. It was cold even though it was summertime.

I thought you said like 32. I was six. June 13th, 1999. It's a true story. I can't refute that. I was alone in the basement playing by Game Boy. This is what it says. 1999 Game Boy. In one of those plug-in light attachments

nothing really out of the ordinary until it started to rain. In fact it was a rather big storm and I was in the basement when my parents were upstairs when the lights flickered. Isn't that scary stuff? Sounds like you're playing your Game Boy and then your parents are upstairs.

The storm starts and then you're like, oh that's scary. I can see how that's scary. I was there so I remember I was feeling chill. Kids will never learn to read. Yeah. Either way the lights were flickering but they shouldn't have been flickering.

At the time I didn't think much of it though and I just continued to play my Game Boy. Maybe Kirby. I was sucking in some enemies. I was actually about to beat the... Oh no, that's right. The third gym leader when all the lights in my house just shut off

as a six-year-old I was pretty frightened you can imagine that. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. It was so dark, so eerie. I had this feeling of nervousness throughout my body. I ran upstairs as quickly as I could pretty slow. But as quickly as I possibly could. More of a shuffle, anvil.

Looped up the stairs like an ape man. I was drunk. I started drinking young. I ran upstairs as quickly as I could while carrying the Game Boy and it was my only source of light. I looked at my parents and they were not there. They were gone. So I was like home alone.

Nothing bad can happen. You know, you're a filthy animal. Daniel Stern. The wet bandits. Of course that's a home alone reference. Of course I cried out for my parents' names. I was like, banked. Laura, those are my parents' names.

That's true. Banked? Banked, my dad's name is banked. He came up like a German. B-E-N-G-T, banked. I didn't have no clue that your father was named after a fake thing. I had no idea your father had a fucking horrible name. Well, he's a real man if I can continue.

Nothing. I cried out their names and I heard nothing. I ran into every room looking for them and they weren't there. Then I started to hear things. Tapping on the glass, footsteps and creaks on the floor. Someone or something must have broken into the house. Perhaps Daniel Stern. The wet bandits.

They just sat there on the floor crying, burying my face in my arms. I kept crying until I heard something coming in from upstairs. Rather slowly, I shined my light on it. Big white, very tall. That was not one of my parents. You didn't pre-read this, right? No, no, no. I did not.

Big white eyes. Big white eyes. Big white eyes, very tall. That was not one of my parents. Although that describes my dad. Pretty good there. What is that question mark? As it almost reached the top of the stairs,

and this boy that was paralyzed with fear and I couldn't move, the light shot back in on it. It was staring at me with its eyes huge that looked like they were beating it like a heart. They were beating like a heart, these eyes. Like bubup, bubup, like a heart.

These eyes were beating. Good description. Thank you. And its space skin was partially torn off, revealing its muscles. I could see huge columns of saliva coming from its mouth. It was gesturated with its finger for me to come over to it while a sickening grin was on its face.

My parents then came in through the front door as they had gone. My parents then came in through the front door as they had gone to the neighbor's house, and I turned and looked back at the stairs to find da-da-da-da-da-da. Nothing. Da-da-da-da-da.

We're just going to give them really short ones from now. That was a good one! Because it's like, oh, I'm downstairs and playing my Game Boy, right? The lights start flickering. I run upstairs. Mom, Dad, where are you? Oh, shit, they're nowhere to be found. Cry, cry, cry. Then I look at the stairs. Big white eyes, beating like a heart.

This is good, though. You see that pacing, that drama kind of gives it an ending. You know what I mean? You build to an ending. You and me andering sort of, I'm just putting through your style is different.

What do you think of the story? Well, either way, that was a really scary one. Who's on the stairs? I'm going to read one called the high price we pay at the pump. Hell yeah. Pump, pump, pump, pump. Pump, pump, pump.

That'll be $40. Oh, look, baby. The price of gas is a whole dollar cheaper at that gas station. Pull in and top off. Sure thing, doll face. In fact, over there, it's going to take 20 minutes to just to get to the pump.

So what? The money we save right now pays for your lunch tomorrow. Don't be so lazy. Ron reluctantly follows his wife's request and pulls into the local shell station to take advantage of the amazing deal on gasoline. Is this written by like BP or something?

Yeah, this is. You can only find it at BP fuel stores. The longer he waits, the more and more aggravated he gets. The person directly in front of him is taking an abnormally long amount of time to fill up his small Prius. He almost seems to be stroking

the grip of the pump a little too awkwardly for Ron's comfort. It was cold outside and the weird man had gloves on, so he figured he was just trying to warm up his hands. Ron, when you finish pumping, can you run inside and get me and Sophie some ice ease?

Ron's truck was nearly on empty and taking forever to fill. The breeze shooting under the canopy was much colder than he anticipated. He notices his fingers and hands starting to tingle and numb from the frigidity. Once he's done, he goes inside to get the drinks.

As he was pouring, he started feeling a violent tingling sensation crawl up his arm at an alarming pace. When he pulls up his sleeve, he notices several red vein-like streaks bulging up past his wrist towards his shoulders. As the streaks hit his neck and carotid artery,

he begins to feel like his blood is boiling within him. Wave after wave of crimson blood begins to spray out of his mouth and nose hitting the entire line of customers at the counter. As he slowly stumbles out of the store, he can hear screams and sounds of vomiting behind him.

Ron finally makes it to his car and his wife opens the door in a panic to see what was wrong with her husband. As he falls within her grip and into the car, she notices his skin slides off his muscles as though he were poached in boiling water. He sprays the last of his

bloody bile over her. Let me say that again. Bloody BLOODY BILLE over her. And their terrified daughter in the back seat as he sags away through her arms, she sees dozens of patrons suffering similar fates all over the gas station lot. The domino effect was unmistakable.

So were the red veins protruding from Sophie's neck and the boiling sensation in her own chest. And then she looked up at the sign and it said $3.99 a gallon, oh my God. Oh, you got it, you got it, man. With voices like this. So, yeah, they had a disease, that's what that is, right?

They just started losing their skin. No, it was the disease, is that there was a gas station, this is how I see it, is that the gas station was the ground zero, it was the ground zero for a virus, an infection, and they lower people in with low, low prices. Low, low prices, that's the problem, that's why I stopped going to get gas

and I just let the car just sit on the street. Yeah, that's what I do, I stay safe. You know, I don't go to any place that has to sail, because the only thing you want to do is suck your dick. That's right, well that would be so bad. You know, I go to, yeah, the time I go to the store and they're like, oh, we got to sail on canopies, and I was like, what's canopy?

I've never had that, and they're like, start sucking your dick, it's an old man, and he's like sucking your dick and playing with your balls, and that's why I don't have any respect for old men. What I want to do is suck your dick. Every old man I meet, oh, World War II, World War II, I'll suck your dick for fucking five dollars, I'll make you slut me, suck your dick.

Well, it seems like you want to get your dick sucked by an old man. No, because you're saying they forced me to do it. Dude, how does an old man frail, bad hard? He gets you all hard by being all slutty, and then he fucking sticks your dick in his mouth. Okay, well, you know, speaking, speaking about old people, I've got a creepypasta.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's about old people. That sounds great. Yeah, so, so. That sounds great, yeah. This does not, this is not going to be a... Okay, here we go. 9-1-1.

How it is. It's really an emergency, but it is sort of one, two, this little old lady. I've been terribly upset, and I thought the only thing I could do, I don't think of sleep pills and all of that. And I went out and bought myself a couple of small bottles of beer.

I thought that would relax me. What's the problem? The problem is I can't open the bottle. Could you send a man over, and I'll be downstairs, and have him open the bottle. Okay, now, wait a minute, okay, wait a minute. Am I correct that you can't sleep, so you went out and bought two bottles of beer,

and you want a policeman to come by and open them for you? Yes, please, because I don't have any equipment here that seems to handle that kind of a problem. Yeah, I have never gone in. I think I had to catch a bottle once, and a neighbor broke the top off. Well, listen, I'm gonna get you someone out there to open those beer bottles.

Well, you just stay in your apartment now, and I'll send them up to the apartment. What's your phone number? Wait, wait, take a look at it. It's a new one, and I don't remember it very well. Oh, this is scary. Well, that's, you know, it's just fine.

Oh, okay, I see if it's fine. It's okay if it's funny. Yeah, it's okay if it's funny. I figured it'd be okay, but it was a little grouchy. Yeah, it's good to open a beer bottle, okay. It's a joke. I'm gonna get a beer bottle. Yeah, because sometimes, and that's to show you,

and sometimes old people can be fun. That is right. That's true. Maybe I'm wrong, you know? You might be. That's really, yeah, absolutely. Sometimes old people are cute and fun, and sometimes they get a waste government dollar

to call the fucking 911 services, to get someone to help her drink her fucking booze. That's okay. I like this woman, and I'm happy that the operator is sending officers. Yeah, yes, an officer, and then you show up in Taser. I mean, she might get killed if she acts erratic. Yeah.

But yeah, okay, that was a nice 911. That was nice. That was sweet, and adorable. I kind of, I mean, I fooled you into it. Yeah, thank you, though. Thank you, they didn't see that coming. No, nobody saw that coming. All right, Henry, do you want to read another creepy story

of the Spooky Pasta? Yes, absolutely, I do. Hold on, let me find it. What you find up there? Greck it. Okay, this is called the Kaleidoscope. That's one of those toys, right? Yes, a Kaleidoscope.

Yeah, I know you had a very sparse, bad childhood. Right, right. But it's a simple toy. The parents are supposed to give to their kids. Yeah, no, this is a simple toy. They've been having since the 1880s. It's shaped like a telescope, and you put it up to your eye,

and you rotate it, and it shows different pretty things. Ooh, I always asked my mom if I could see that movie. Yeah. Yeah, but she never loved me. Because you were sitting underneath the cabinets. You were underneath the sink? Yeah, right. Because that's where they kept the bear children?

I was just making my face like a Mr. Yuck sticker, putting my tongue out there, and don't drink the bleach, I would say. Yeah, and of course, the only movie they'd ever let you watch is Trying for the Well. Yeah, getting grandpa all pumped up and screaming at television, and being like, I was there, I was there, holding a flag.

That's right, the Kaleidoscope. This is a true story. Well, Honeymooning in Maine, with my wife. My wife and I stopped in the picturesque town of Booth Bay, on a particularly dreary and rainy day. Since our planned picnic was out of the question, we saw it shelter in a dilapidated little antique store near the harbor.

While my wife inspected the large chess and side tables near the door, I eagerly examined the antique tools and seafaring equipment inside the glass sales counter at the back. You know how I like tools and seafaring equipment. It's great on my super narrow railroad apartment I have. It's great to just fill it with fucking old boats.

Being a collector of optics and mariners instruments, a white person, I hope to find a sextant, or perhaps an old leather-bound telescope. A particularly interesting piece caught my eye. It appeared to be a heavy brass flashlight, bearing a worn-brown patina, but remarkably modern in design. I asked the shopkeeper,

but he could only tell me he was found in the same old sailor's chest as several of the compasses and the sextant, also on display. He inquired as to whether I would like to purchase it for five dollars, or perhaps have it for free. It's worthless to me, nobody wants it. When I remarked about the price, he sighed wearily, and then reached into the cabinet and achieved it for me.

Here, see for yourself, feller. You said feller. He did, yeah. Yeah, with the R. You said it on that, yeah. Yeah, that's what they say, it's main. So he was like, yeah, save, I just had a feller. I see, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That horrible accent. The craftsmanship was wonderful, quite durable, and apparently handmade, perhaps somewhere in Europe. Europe. Oh, interesting. That's Europe. You know, you guys say Europe.

I'll say they in Japanese, I'll say it's in Europe. Worn lettering indicated it might be German, or perhaps Austrian in origin. I twisted the bulb, housing, and a weak red beam swept out. Poking it into a dark corner of the shop, I was greeted with fantastic monotone swirls, moving and entwining with each other like a pit of eels.

As I stared further into this unusual projector's kaleidoscope, my fanciful mind invented ghoulish faces and sinuous gnarled tendrils, shutting the device off. I turned excitedly to the shopkeeper, fantastic, I said. It must have an oil filter of sorts in front of the lens. I have two Victorian kaleidoscopes, but none of that, none that are illuminated like this. You don't get it, do you?

Nobody gets it. He'll come back to return it after a while. The shopkeeper leaned on the counter, and I could see that he was breathing heavily and perspiring. He was 400 pounds. Y'all think it's some sort of trick till they start seeing it when the light's off. That ain't no projection, mister.

That damn thing, that light, ain't making up those creaches. Zadako. It's just letting your eyes see what's already there. And that's when my mom never bought me one, you know, because she was like, those are for the devil. It's the devil's telescope. Yes.

Oh, enjoy your devil's telescope. And then all you have to do is not buy it, bro. Yeah, no, just don't buy it. Pretty easy. Yeah, his bartering style was pretty bad, though. It's $5 or free, but I think he went with the five. Oh, Victorian kaleidoscope. I love the leather bound with the kaleidoscopes

that I already have, because my life is boring. He had two kaleidoscopes, maybe. Sometimes I play with a bit of trash, like it's a soccer ball. I kick it back and forth. Oh, what a fun game. That is a fun game. That sounds great. All right, well, it's my turn.

Do you want to take shredders? Do I want shredders? Do you want shredders? I don't care. And I'll take the gapper. It's the Gaper. Are you worried that I'm going to ruin this? It is G-A-P-E-R. That is Gaper.

It's the Gapper and Creepypasta. I mean, are you worried I'm going to ruin it, because I'm going to say the Gaper? Just go for shredders. Shredders. The Gapper. Well, it is technically not the Gapper. OK, so this one's called shredders.

All right, so if you're reading this, turn your lights. Hold on. I read the Gaper. I actually read some of the Gaper. I was prepared for some of it. You have to be called prepared, as I read some of it. That's what I meant. That's how we prepare, and then the rest, it just

improvs and flows. So obviously. Yeah, no, people love me on these episodes. Everyone always says Ben reads to us so, so good, thoroughly. He's definitely reading something. It's like he cares about this. No, I'm a 32-year-old man. OK, so now this one's called shredders.

OK, so if you're reading this, turn your lights off before you continue. OK, so they are attracted to light. OK, OK, so you got to turn your lights off, because these goddamn things are attracted to light, and they're alive in the room. I call them shredders. They will shred any form of life they come in contact with.

Don't be fooled by their human appearance. The only, I mean, this just seems like a bad office job. They only seem human with their expressionless face and slow, steady pace. It's kind of a ramy type thing there. But their eyes grow wide when they see life, and they can't help but murder them with their long, sharp nails. And they will start with your face, ripping it to shreds,

then they'll go onto your neck. And then you're pussying your crack. That's correct. After that, you're dead, so you can't feel the rest anymore. But they shred you until you are a big pile of rotten flesh. They should be calling the slawers. We turn you into cold slaw. I guess it's not as scary as shredders are.

We're the slaw boys. We're the slaw boys. We make slaw out of you, but also cabbage. All sorts of slaws. We can make it out to Henry first, so I can eat a little bit of them before you shred me up and slum me down. Shred me up.

I know this because, OK, so yeah, so it's like you turn into a big rotting pile of flesh. And this person, who is me, knows this, because I survived an attack on the shredders. My family wasn't so lucky. The only reason I survived is because I thought of a way to stop them. It's just got to throw salt on them.

I got a picture of my mother and held it out of the front. OK, I got a picture of my mother and held it out in front of my face. They can't kill what is already dead. Foolproof. Nothing dumb about this idea. Wolfman's got nards. OK, so their footsteps sound like leaves cracking

because of the way their bones rub against each other. If you hear this noise outside your window, don't worry. There may be time for you to save your life. Hurry and grab a picture of the one of your family members before they get to your room. I bet you're thinking, what? My family is alive and well.

Are you sure? When was the last time you checked on them? Some about the cheery way that you said that. Are you sure? Where was the last time you checked on them? Can I reread it? No, no, I'm just kidding. Yeah, it's already said and done.

Yeah, it's all good. So that's scary. Yeah, it's scary. Oh, yeah. Well, that's why I wanted you to do it, Ben. Because I did it so good. Because you're scary. Yeah.

Hey. Hey, what? You're thinking, what? My family is alive and well. Wait a second, there, friend. My family is alive and well. When was the last time you checked on them? It's been years.

Your family's dead, and you've been eating your boy. All right. They tried a shredder called pancreatic cancer. Oh, that's sad. That's sad. Well, very scary story, and I'm so happy I got to read it for all of you. All right, this one's called The Gapper.

The Gapper. Starring Asia Kira in The Gapper. The Gapper. Everyone has heard it. The voice in your mind that comes from nowhere, bringing absurd thoughts that you have to shake off. The voice urges us to pull into traffic, jump from deadly heights, and reminds us just how easy it

would be to take someone's life. This phenomenon has been labeled as intrusive thoughts, unwelcome and voluntary thoughts, images, or unpleasant ideas that are upsetting or distressing, and can be difficult to manage or eliminate. But how are these thoughts intruding? Where are they coming from? Why do they come?

Who do they come? That's not us. Who do they come? Where? You're ruining the story. What do they come? Zoom. There is a place rumored to exist between the living

and the dead. This place, however, is not for the living. It's Portland. Or the dead. It exists just outside the reach of the souls who travel from this world to the next. It is a cold and dark place, and its only inhabitant is resigned to a lonely, miserable existence.

It is beyond reach, but not beyond sight. It's like being in your room. Ah, I see. That's a funny joke, yeah. The poor creature that lives in this real reality is forced to watch as the bright souls exit our world and continue their journey onward. The gapper, as it is called, is banned from entering

the next world, and so it stands with its mouth open and contorted in a frown of disbelief and anguish, watching as we pass within sight. The gapper's world is truly dark, and the only illumination comes in fleeting flashes from the traveling spirits. This comforts it, and in order to keep the lights coming, the gapper nudges and prods us towards our end.

Psychologists have wondered why we get these intrusive thoughts, but the truth is they don't originate from within our own minds. We are being used, called to death, like a match in the basement. I don't know match in the base. I don't know. I do get it.

Call to death like a match in the basement. That was a cool sentence. Yeah, it's a cool sentence. It's a real cool sentence, but yeah. If there's a match in the basement, would you go to the match in the basement? I don't know. I don't know.

It's just because you light the match in the basement, and it extinguishes. Yeah, but you're called to death. Like they're saying that death is the match in the basement, so you're going down to the match in the basement and the death. It's not written well. I mean, it's like, yeah, you're a match. You're a flame. Yeah. Okay. I shall read another yes You shall in the headlights. Mm-hmm

Real story this is a real one. They're all real. Oh, I see. I was driving home late one summer evening It was dark and everyone was in their beds My eyelids felt heavy as I struggled to pay attention to my driving on the dark and empty country road I knew this road so well. I could probably drive home with my eyes closed It didn't sound like a bad idea as I sleeply nodded. It's a horrible idea. It's bad You should drive all your sleep before I knew it my eyes were closed And I was asleep for a couple of seconds before jerking my head back up and shifting my body in the seat I rolled down my window and let the cool air blast in my face. I was almost home

Just needed to focus on my driving a little longer focus Then I got claps into my soft bed focus Focus I Opened my eyes. I must have fallen asleep again I know something in the middle of the road ahead But I was still waking up and didn't even cross my mind yet that I should slow down it happened so fast My eyes widen as I saw a deer a doe a female deer That glowed white in the headlights, but something was strange. It was bounding right towards me

Adrenaline suddenly shot through my body and I felt numb I swerved the vehicle in hopes of evading a collision with this maniac a animal Oh Split second seem like minutes I heard a thump because I side-swiped the deer but managed to get back on the right side of the road and look in the rearview mirror I swear I heard a woman's blood curdling scream The deer was still running straightforward But somehow its neck was completely twisted around as if broken and it was looking at me still its mouth gait open

It disappeared to the darkness behind me along with screaming I woke up in my bed the sudden peeking in the windows between the curtains. Was that a dream? It must have been My body felt shaky and paralyzed from the nightmare, and I was wet with sweat Well, that's disgusting wet sweat At the laying there for a while reviewing the strange dream in my head I finally had the ability to move again, and I rolled over to look at the window beside my bed The white deer were staring at me with pinkish-red soulless eyes

It screamed Winky-binky, so it's deer That's a big thing is dear. Yes. He's haunted by deer ghost here Out of all the things to be haunted by ghost here goes We'll put out some ghost feed and have him fucking ghost eat You get me? Ghostier? Ghostier. All right. Well, that is scary stuff. Do you have another one Marcus? I've got it. Well Ben's got one. This isn't actually a creepypasta This is something amazing that Marcus found in an old-time in newspaper. Yeah in 1988

Well, I found this in a book. I was on one of my book buying expeditions, and I found this wonderful book called You went to buy a book. I mean exped- did you hop a theory? He did. It was an expedition Okay, it makes it a lot more fun when I call them expeditions. It's more fun that way It's a lot more fun that way But I found this book the encyclopedia of martyr murder and inside I found this newspaper clipping from 1988 Oh, this is awesome. So it was inside the book. Yeah, some other freak had this whole book in here, you know And then Marcus inherited it. Yeah Yeah, no the book inside down through the ages the encyclopedia of modern murder this little little snip it was found in there and it's a title

It's about John Wayne Gacy and of course as we know from our Gacy episodes He was a huge political figure and things like that. So the the headline is gaseous sales tactic the Springfield, Illinois Condemn killer John Wayne Gacy has complained to the state Republican officials about campaign leaflets that say he would have been eligible for weekend passes Had he committed his 33 murders in Massachusetts? I mean, this is of course tied into this was Dukakis when he was running the He was soft on crime. That was the whole thing in a type written letter received Monday at the state GOP headquarters Gacy said it's an insult to the voting public that the Illinois Republican state central central committee has to drop such a

Sleazy level has to drop to such a sleazy level by exploiting the name of John Wayne Gacy in order to scare people into voting for George Bush Can't Bush just run into his own record and truth instead of all this scary fantasy ask the letter Which is it's you it's you first of all you're the scary thing. Yeah, you're the terrifying You're defacing the name the good name of John Wayne Gacy Which is really amazing. Yeah, George Bush he said you know because he not only was it like this was a big pamphlet that was put out and He said last week that all the murderers rapists and child molesters in Massachusetts Supported do caucus. Yeah, of course did and I actually just want you look so silly in that tank

Yeah, I just watched I just watched a documentary on Lee Atwater last night because I'm a very cool guy But it was it talked a lot about Willie Horton who was of course the black fellow who got out and like killed a person And that's why everyone thought to caucus was going to uh was was in bed with all the I also love the fact that Gacy's a lifetime Democrat. He's still dead. He could Barack Obama could have used that leverage That's right. I mean so Gacy supported do caucus, which that's probably not good if Gacy really wanted him to win He's gonna be like I love Bush Gacy for Bush 1988 But of course he came out at some point. I love that do caucus, you know, like him just like I'm a big supporter of

It's just going like mister. I didn't get this out of the newspaper I'm happy that you like me mr. Gacy, but uh, you know, you are I appreciate your vote. I am glad is can you vote your felons No, I can't vote at all. It's because I killed all those boys all the boys, okay? Yeah, so anyway, and we might actually talk about that more on able to stop that because I think that's really fascinating It's wonderful. Um, but yeah, so that's why you got to go to the bookstore people because you never know you buy an old-timey creepy Book store the bookstore. I found that this book at a half-priced books in Dallas, Texas You got to stop going to that TV and movie store Go to the book store go to your discount bookstores and go to the crime section. That's where I find crime and occult at

Discount bookstores is where I get all of my best and we're the handsomest men there Yes, oh, absolutely always yeah far Powell's books and Portland is him has an amazing Yeah, mysticism and true crime section. Mm-hmm fantastic. Yeah, the strand here in New York City also has a wonderful crime It's pretty searched over and a lot of those guys are pretty weird Yeah, I work there. Yeah, I love going down to a basement to buy. Yeah, it's about zero. It is always fun compelled to go there by a match To go to the basement. I'm just trying to death call A match. All right. Well, let's get back. I think we only have one more. Oh, yeah Pasta is really really gone. It's been right past us. We got one more and maybe something. Oh, yeah

Yeah, oh my okay Marcus. Well, then are we gonna do the one more? It's called the medic ooh in the winter of 1944 with overtaxed supply lines and the Ardinas a medic in the German army had completely run out of plasma bandages and antiseptic during one particularly bad round of mortar fire his Encampment was a bloodbath those who survived claimed to have heard above the screams and barked commands of their lieutenant Someone cackling with an almost girlish glee No girlish not ghoulish Yeah, German cackling with girlish

The medic had made his rounds during the fire and almost complete darkness as he had so many times before But never had he been this short on supplies. No matter he would do his duty He had always prided himself on his resourcefulness The bombardment moved to other ends of the line and most men dropped off to sleep in the dark still hours of the morning New Year's Day 1945 the men that woke at first light with screams They discovered that their bandages were not typical bandages at all, but hunks and strips of human flesh Whoa, several men have been given fresh blood transfusions yet

There have been no blood supplies available each treated man was almost completely covered head to toe with the maroon stain of blood The medic was found sitting on an ammunition tin staring off into space When one man approached him and tapped him on the shoulder his tunic fell off to reveal that large patches of his skin Muscle and sinew had been stripped from his torso and his body was almost completely dried of blood in one hand Was a scalpel and in the other a blood transfusion vial None of the men treated for wounds that night in that camp saw the end of January 1945 awesome, and that's why they were so hard to beat. Yeah, the Germans die The doctors just work so hard. Yeah, it seems like a really nice doctor. Yeah

Yeah, that's the kind of care that you can't get the American HMOs Yeah, this is what this podcast it's all been leading up to is an anti-HMO Brought to you by Pfizer and show like that It's been a long ruse. Well, that's a very scary one. That is a scary one a lot. Yeah, that one's pretty cool Yeah, it's a medic that sacrifices himself. You know, it's not like the Russians. You just kept throwing more and more. Yeah, they had been we had Band-Aids sure. Yeah, we gave them band-aids. We gave our medics all the band-aids that they could have Yeah, but it's so light and they're relatively cheap. Yeah, it's band-aids. Yeah, we're Americans. Yeah, we're Americans We treat people right normally like we treat people like normal people now like dr. Frankenstein. That's right. You know, yeah

Yeah, I can't believe we believe we've just breezed through all that Actually, I got one more thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got one more thing. You know, it's kind of what could it be? You know, it's Marcus, you know, just check it out. You know, what is that? Hello, ma'am. Hello? Can you hear me now? Did I lose the signal? Yeah, that's really cool. I'm as handed in the blank zone. You got ya!

Oh, that is cool. We're always gonna do 911 calls. Yeah, yeah, I hope it ruins your day at work. No, that's not true. We want to enlighten everybody. That was a woman who had been killed by her father, 61-year-old Alton Beasley. Actually, that was 47-year-old Elizabeth Beasley. She was shot by her father, Alton. And he also called... Alton makes it sounds like he's from fucking, like, Klaxon.

Yeah, K-packs or something like that. I am Alton. I killed my daughter. Well, we don't have any criminal accord here at K-packs, so I guess you're free to go. I guess that's fine to go. I guess she's just an egg. She's a part of the hive mind, so it doesn't really matter. Yep, it was, yeah, it killed 47-year-old Elizabeth Beasley and 36-year-old Anna Lobsack. What'd they do wrong? What'd they do bad? Nothing. Henry, they were victims of a terrible heinous crime. It was a murder suicide.

Okay. All right. Yeah, well, that's cool. Creepy Bossa, yes. Creepy Bossa, I like to throw the 911 calls when we can. I hope they killed your bones. Yeah. No, Henry, you don't like the people that listen to the show. I just end up listening to them.

Henry wanted to do three 911 calls. I know, and you really wanted, these were actually, the first one was a straight-up joke, and then it was comical and light-hearted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't so bad. Well, the first one was a straight-up joke, because after finding that first one, I refused to look for any more. Yeah, that's right. And that's really what it's about. It's reach for the moon. If you don't get the moon, you land amongst the stars. Well, these are 911 calls, though.

So, this is like different than that analogy. Human, pure human misery. I mean, I haven't seen you laugh so hard in years. There's a lot of source material we use for the show. Yeah, and we pull from a lot of different cows. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, a lot of different cows. Oh, right. Well, that's Marcus Parks, and he's on Twitter at Marcus Parks.

Henry's, Henry loves you, and I am at Ben Kissel. I'm at Ben Kissel, yeah, and then, oh yeah, and then listen to the round table enabling his top hat, and then there's other human activities. Yeah, and page seven, I love the page seven. And page seven, yeah, those are the ones our family wants to. Yeah, yeah, that's our family. It really does sort of sum us up as people all very well. Kind of, you know, they're all equally inappropriate. Yeah, but you know, it was different sensibilities.

Yeah, a lot of different ways. Hail Satan, everybody. May his power help you as it helps me. I mean, you look terrible. That's all that matters. All right, hail yourselves, everybody. Hail me! And magustalations, I believe.

Yes, always. Retire to the embankment. That's all right.