Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 127: Werewolves Part I: God's Werewolf

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

Werewolves! Where do they come from? What are there origins? And do they still walk among us? We cover all this and more in this, our first installment.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Ask me what a reward is. It's straight fucking cash. Yeah, smiles. Yeah, I smile every day. We're comedians. You know what I mean? I don't need to make a tiny little slave that will then that I have to serve. So you're the slave. You make a master. I make a little slave master who fucking, oh daddy, stop smoking weed all day. Oh daddy, make money and buy me clothes because the kids at school will make a fun of me because I'm dressed in fucking saran wrap. Yeah, but your kid is making valid points. You should stop smoking weed all day. I don't need a boss.

Alright, I am a fucking, I am a jaguar. Alright, Marcus, you're recording. Alright, that's Marcus Parks. I'm Ben Kissel, terrible father of the year. I am the jaguar and I have no boss. No office for the jaguar. Why are you a jaguar? Ah, jaguar. He is the most undisciplined of the cats. I don't think that's true actually. Ah, jaguar. You never see me in the night made of shadow. I am smoke weed when I can the jaguar. That's a weird jaguar, but all right.

Is that that weird? That was a weird one. We don't know what jaguar. Maybe I was a bit of a where jaguar. Alright, well today we're talking about werewolves. You see? That was good. No, it was creatures in the night. Alright, werewolves everybody. Very exciting episode. I deflected some Mormons today. I did what I do want to say that these two fucking blonde-haired blue-eyed little fucking Nazi pieces of shit.

Trying to sit next to me on the train and I was wearing my zombie Jesus t-shirt and I just showed up my t-shirt and they walked away. They love zombie Jesus though. They're Mormons. If they can't get through one layer of zombie Jesus, how are you going to fucking make it in this world? Alright, you can't turn me. You can't turn anybody. Nope, nope. But the Mormons are one of the nicer folks who Evangelica- Evangelize? Evangelicalize. Evangelize. No, they're not. Yeah, they're one of the better ones. They dress in their little suits. They're kind of adorable.

They're fucking stupid little suits. I want to give them wedgies. That's rude. Alright, everybody. Alright, let's go into werewolves, Marcus. So let's- Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey, hey, Steven, I got a new dog for you. That's not a dog. I love werewolves.

I love them too. Werewolves throughout history. Do we feel in the end, like a lot of what we're going to read about werewolves is that, you know, there are magical properties to werewolves and many of these folklore. But also it seems like there are possible sort of filter for, before we understood that there were things like, you know, being a psychopath. Being a psychopath. Just big old cats. Yeah, and wild animals as well. Yeah, big cats. It's the same thing with gods. We created gods to explain things that we couldn't understand. Yeah, because everyone was like trying to tell everybody else it was bad to be beaten off all day.

Say there's a dude up there with a fucking lute sitting on a cloud making sure that you aren't shooting your fucking jasm all day. And, you know, when you go get a job. That's what God was for. That's what he was for. Alright, I'll buy it. Let's start with Ancient Greece. What lies in Henry's ass crack? Ancient Greece.

Hello. You want egg? You want bacon? I'm making bacon. You're making bacon. So writers have handed down a griopause's tale of domainitus. What? These are not words. These are all like itchy skin diseases, right?

Sounds like it. Who, during the Arcadian sacrifices for the festival of Zeus Lycaeus. Lycaeus means wolf, by the way. Tasted the viscera of a human child who was turned into a wolf for ten years. Now viscera means what? That's like gut. Gut back. Cool.

At the end of those ten years, however, he supposedly became a man again and competed in the Olympics. So this is kind of like a teen wolf. It's like when he turned into the wolf, he was better in sports. You know, and it was like him coming in on chariot while fucking Johnny Meagood's playing on the top of it. I mean, it's sort of the opposite, though, because when he turned back into a human, he was good at sports. As a wolf, he didn't understand organized competition. No, but the wolf gave him his fucking groove back. I'd say it's more like Ray Lewis.

You know, he killed somebody, he wasn't Baltimore Raven. Yeah, he killed somebody who wasn't allowed to play for a while, and then he became an athlete again and won the Super Bowl. Hell yeah, everybody's dream. That's America's dream. You know, Elliot Rogers, if he had just made it through the killing, he would have been on to be an amazing singer songwriter. That's possible. So in the Latin work of prose, the satiricon, which by the way, satiricon, also a fucking awesome metal band. Also an awesome Fellini film that's really good to get a fucking spark to.

And because it also gets your fucking, your rope all fucking stiff. Your rope stuff, yeah. Well, that was written in 60 BC by Gaius Petronius Arbiter. Can't one of these guys make me be fucking Eddie? Not yet, not yet. We didn't get there yet. We didn't get lazy as a tongue yet. Yeah, we're not going to get to Eddie before we get to Wisconsin. And that's a long ways off.

And one of the characters in that story, Nicarose, he tells a story about a banquet about a friend who turned into a wolf. Listen, everybody, listen, listen. This is a very boring story so far. He describes the incident as follows. Who had I looked? Oh, so what did we look for my body? I see he'd stripped and he piled his clothes by the roadside. Who invited Nicarose? He pees in a circle. No, listen. No, listen.

Is it going anywhere or just like last Thanksgiving when you told the story about the twigs that were all cracking? You'll do it to a werewolf at the end. You'll love it. All right. He took my body. He stripped and piled his clothes by the roadside. He pees in a circle. He pees around. Okay, we can't eat until you finish the story. And then just like that, he turned into a wolf man. After he turned into a wolf, he started howling and he ran to the woods. Is that it? So he peed on some things.

Yeah. Yes. It was the magic pee, but it made him into a wolf. You had a full year to come up with a story this year. I hope everybody tries my crackers I made. I made crackers for dinner. Thank you. I don't know how the satiricon got to be such a famous work of prose because it fucking sucks.

Yep. It's horribly written. And then he had to pee on a clothes and a circle. And then he turned into a wolf and then he ran off. So the pee pee made the werewolf? It was a bond he made possibly with Zeus like chaos. And Zeus wanted urine? That is possible in magic.

That's one of the possible ways in order to become obese to do your transmogrification is you take all of your clothes off the things that represent man. And make you human and then you perform some sort of animalistic activities that is pissing all over it. It's just like, you know, how many times does Kelly piss on all those girls? To turn them into him. Yeah. Wild. Now you're on the trolley.

Oh, all right. So when you're drunk and you piss all over yourself, you become more like Ben. Oh, I see. You become the were-Ben. Oh, all right. So before the end of the 19th century, the Greeks believed that the corpses of werewolves, if not destroyed, would return to life in the form of wolves or hyenas which prowled the battlefields drinking the blood of dying soldiers. Now that's really going to hurt the draft. You know what I mean?

Yes, war is already bad. But then if you also heard that even if you're just kind of wounded, laying it in a field, eventually some kind of celestial beast is going to come and suck the rest of the blood out of you. That's going to, that's going to make people nervous. I don't, I feel like it's kind of a nice thing to do, though. Put them out of your misery, drink out the blood faster. I mean, otherwise you're going to bleed out real slow. Bunch of slugs are going to get in your eyes.

Disgusting. So in the same vein in some rural areas of Germany, Poland and northern France. The dumber parts of Europe. It was once believed that people who died in mortal sin came back to life as blood-drinking wolves. And these undead wolves would return to their human corpse form in daylight. And they were dealt with by decapitation with a spade and exorcism by a parish priest. The head would then be thrown into a stream where the weight of its sins were thought to weigh it down. Sometimes the same methods were used to dispose of ordinary vampires.

So these are Catholics? I'm not a werewolf. I am totally a person. I'm sick and I have a bad complexion. Well, we better cut off his head. No, no, I'm the town accountant. I'm the only one who understands the taxes. Kill the tax vampire.

I'm on board with that. I want to kill some fucking tax vampires real soon. Absolutely. The vampires were also linked to the werewolf in East European countries, particularly Bulgaria, Serbia and Slovenia. And this is the poorer and dumber part of Europe. Yeah, yeah. It's real bad. This was just made up after somebody was just looking at his wife.

And she was all pissed off at him. He was like, Bertha, you're a werewolf right now. I'm going to go tell the town priest. Get that head right off. Oh yeah, you go tell your buddy. That is a church. A church. In Serbia, the werewolf and vampire were known collectively as Volklok.

And over here in America, the American Indian tribe, the Nascapis, believed that the caribou afterlife was guarded by giant wolves, which killed careless hunters venturing to near. No, for something as peaceful as a caribou, that's a very violent heaven. I mean, they are they are safe, though. The caribous are having a very peaceful time. At the same time, they're still going to be like, yes, I would feel, let's say our heaven was us in a giant, like, you know, nice baseball stadium. We're having a great time. We're having a good time. We're laughing, watching baseball game.

But outside of it is just like a bunch of just like laser driven, 20 foot long AK-47s, right? Like, I guess keep caribou from getting in there. No caribou in our heaven. No, absolutely not. You'll be nervous with the AK-47s around. I mean, wolves eat caribou, so this would be like getting World War II vet heaven guarded by Nazis. Cool. It's weird.

That's kind of fucking awesome. I want to see that movie. This whole episode is filled with things, Rose. I literally was like, that's a movie. I want to see. You'll see. A bunch of World War II vets come back from the dead, okay? To protect our fucking souls from giant Japanese spiders.

Coming into our heaven. You know, right now we're going to stick with Portlandia. We're going to go with season four. I got a couple more ideas. This thing called a talking trash can, and it goes, hey, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Yeah, and it's called fuck you the trash can. This could actually work after Marin. That could actually work out.

Now, let's get into some of the folklore of werewolves. Let's start with appearance and behavior. Werewolves were said in European folklore to bear telltale physical traits even in their human form. These included the meeting of both eyebrows at the bridge of the nose, curved fingernails, low set ears, and a swinging stride. Now, you're talking about being just being Greek. Yeah, Greek or Russian or just anything Orthodox. One method of identifying a werewolf in its human form was to cut the flesh of the accused under the pretense that fur would be seen underneath the womb. There's just so many, all of these ways of testing for werewolves are dangerous and permanent.

Yeah, like they don't have any, there's no, like, can't we, like, stick their finger in some cobalt and the cobalt turns green? Like, we just make up a new thing and not always, like, how do we slash at them with this fucking pronged form? It was always very difficult to avoid, you know, the scrutiny, because, like, back in the day, if you were a witch, well, if she drowned, she wasn't. But your dad, and then now they just, like, cut you open. They're like, if he bleeds, he's a werewolf. Yeah, and he's just like, yeah, it was just the one free-flow and big-titted woman in the fucking, in the clan. And I'm sure that a lot of these guys are just, like, it's whoever you want to get rid of. Oh, yeah. That's what, that's the easiest part about, like, a lot of these things where it's like, if a guy's, like, a little off,

or we were talking about, like, you know, if you're a Down syndrome, stuff like that. Well, we haven't gotten to that yet. Yeah, but it's like, if you're any sort of, let's say, a weird, or you're some sort of, like, probably traveling lothario, they think you're a werewolf. A weird wolf, if you will. Thank you. And I will. All right. Hello.

Don't do it. The appearance of the werewolf, of course, changes from culture to culture. The Swedish people, they believed that a werewolf could be distinguished from a regular wolf by the fact that a werewolf would run on three legs while sticking the fourth leg out to look like a tail, because werewolves don't have tails. They say that's the same thing with witches, when they are in animal form, that any animal form that they take on, they do not have tails, which I find to be interesting. I wonder why that is. I wonder if it's because you, because you could tell a lot about animals, like, how a animal's, like, mental state by its tail.

Yeah, that could very well be it. I don't know. I don't know. I'm asking for it. And you're trying to find logic and medieval thinking. I think somebody saw a three-legged wolf. That's what happened. That's a werewolf.

That's a werewolf. That's a werewolf. That's a werewolf. That's a werewolf. That's a werewolf. No PD. Here's something I didn't know about werewolves. Why are you cutting off my dick?

There's a big snow set. I'm a three-legged wolf already. Better cut off his tail. Oh, it's got a tail in the front. You know, life has not been good for me. That's sad. It's got three legs to start with. They cut off your dog.

It's just a man who's got a fuck. No dick. He's been slashed multiple times. He's still bifidous. He's, like, ran from town to town because he thinks he's a werewolf everywhere he goes. With any luck, this town will think I'm a god. No, no, not a werewolf. It's just back hair.

I just have back hair and I have knee hair. I mean, that's a good question. Was this a part of evolution? Were people just super hairy back then and we just slowly got rid of all the hairy ones? I don't think so. I don't know. Henry's still around. That's a good point.

Yeah, and I'm staying. I didn't see you last night around midnight. Because I was being a werewolf. Here's something I didn't know about werewolves in medieval Europe, they staunchly believed that werewolves, they like to devour recently buried corpses, which is a weird thing. They dig up the corpses and they eat them.

Again, it sounds like an excuse that somebody made because also the time there was all that crude science going on, you also have, like, you know, so, like, people digging up dead bodies to, like, do stuff with them. Trying to reanimate them, right? Yeah, dumb shit like that. Also, looking at this is probably during this, like, you know, you know, we always see spikes and sort of irrational beliefs,

like, you know, after the plagues, when, like, during specific wars, like, during, like, weird, like, even local problems. Most of those irrational beliefs involve the Jews. All right. Every time, you know, like, that's a thing. It'd be different if they said that these were, like, the hook-nosed wear-to-cans.

Like, that would be different. That would be like, okay, now we're getting into racism. Yeah, yeah. I'm actually surprised that the Jews never showed up and werewolves are witches because in the black plague, oh, the Jews, man, they were blamed for almost everything. That was one of the... I say these Jews, you just got to get out of there.

Get out of there. Just take care of yourself. Just escape, leave your, leave your, I know it's your home. You want the Jews to make a large exodus. Is that what you're saying? Exodus. And to possibly have a state of their own. To preserve it.

Don't think. So Finno-Scandian werewolves, that would be Finland and Scandinavia around there. They were usually old women who possessed poison-coated claws and had the ability to paralyze cattle and children with their gaze. Just like a certain Rebecca de Morne. Ooh, yeah.

Oh, I haven't thought about Rebecca de Morne in too long. So here's how you become a werewolf. Many, many, many methods for becoming a werewolf. Oh. One of the biggest ones was to wear a belt made of wolf skin. Yep. That gave you magical powers.

Like Peter Stoop. Yeah, who will we, we will get to later. Yes. It was one of the most brutal murders of all time, of all time, if the story is true. So is that why Henry looks like a cow because he wears a leather belt? The roast is open.

That is good. Is that why... There are other cases in which it was over Sunday. We released the episode. We put it behind us. We can forget about it. I know, I just had a couple of extra jokes in there

and there was one of them, you know? Another way to do it, you can drink rainwater out of the footprint of the animal in question. I think that's just as opposed to the time when there was very little bowls. Yeah. You could also do it by drinking from certain

enchanted streams. The sixties drink from like bad water sources and you get real sick and throw up a bunch. Yeah. And then maybe you act all deranged because there's a lot of times they have like, you know, like ergot would be like growing in the fucking mud.

You know, ergot is a, a lot of people say that's a big reason for a lot of psychosis back in the Middle Ages. It grows on the fungus that grew. It grows on rye bread. It grows on rye bread and in wheat so they didn't know how to properly store

a lot of their shit. Because they were fucking stupid. We're idiots. And so this ergot, it's a hallucinogenic and a bad hallucinogenic. Not a fun one like mushrooms. It causes, you have,

You get all creepy, deep. You get really creepy, deep. You get really creepy, deep. And so this is what happened because of ergot. So if you're the one person in town who didn't take it then you're the werewolf because everyone just trips nuts all around you.

It's like when you're the only person who's on mushrooms. You're kind of the werewolf. Yeah. Speaking of elicit substances, the 16th century Swedish writer Olaos Magnus says that the Levanian werewolves were initiated

Uh, Olaos Magnus, he sounds like the world's strongest writer. He just keeps on ripping the pages on accident every time he- Oh, oh, I had the perfect page! These hands don't know their strength. I can't hold a pen, how will I write? He just keeps on snapping them, snapping them. He just like runs his fingers through stone to like write the words on the side of a mountain.

This will take a long time, yes. In Italy, France, and Germany, it was said that a man or woman could turn into a werewolf if he or she, on a certain Wednesday or Friday, slept outside on a summer night with a full moon shining directly in his or her face. That's where the term lunatic comes from, derived from Luna, the Latin derivative for the moon, saying that you get like a moon disease if you sleep in the moonlight. Hmm, I'm pleased, let's end this date.

I can't wait for you to have to start dating again at some point in the future. Oh, those are gonna be fun for them. Yeah, they'll see, they'll see, but I will be buying my women. Of course, when it comes to things like this, the transformation could also be accomplished by a satanic allegiance. Yeah, often for the sake of sating a craving for human flesh. Hell yeah. Now, we've got another reading here.

This is by Richard Verstigon, and the book is called Restitution of Decade Intelligence, written in 1628. Sounds like a Prague rock album. Restitution of Decade Intelligence. The new album by- The new album by- The new album by- Fuckin' love, King Crimson.

Yeah, I love these guys. Henry, would you like to read from Restitution? The vervels are certain sorcerers who are having anointed their bodies with an ointment, which they make by the instinct of the devil, and putting on a certain enchanted girdle. A girdle? A girdle does not only unto the view of others seem as wolves,

but to their own thinking have both the shape and nature of wolves. So long as they wear these head girdle like a certain dolly parton, and they do dispose themselves as very wolves, in worrying and killing and most of humane creatures. So there's like a Spanx? Spanx type thing? Magic Spanx? Yeah, oh my.

The curse of the werewolf was also considered to be divine punishment. It's said that if you were excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church, you became a werewolf. Man, if only that was so cool. A pedophile. Yeah, that's great. That would be so cool to be excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church. Not only do you not have to go to fucking church anymore

every fucking again, but you're also a werewolf then. But then I think they cut your head off. No, they gotta find you and you're too busy fucking hiding in the brush. The problem is you're not an actual werewolf and you'll just get hungry and gotta come back to town. Aw, man. Yeah. So let's get into it.

Right now I want to get into the story of these God's werewolves. I love this guy. This guy is the coolest. Now this is some stories of like great historical werewolves. There's like a shit ton of these and they're all awesome. Yeah, they're all awesome. So this guy, Theis, he was an 80 year old man and he said that his power came not from the devil,

but from God himself. What year was this around? This was in about the 1600s. 80 years old in the 1600s. Yeah. Strong immune system. Absolutely. Yeah, he's been eating a lot of corn stalk.

I'm not sure. I have no idea what they ate. Well, it's a myth that people did not live for a long time during those times because the average age, what they factor into that is the high infant mortality rate. Oh. So a lot of people... Oh, so yeah, if a lot of babies die at zero,

it's going to affect the fucking averages. I will say that that's fucking stupid, like in terms of math, because it's like, yeah, we know, yes, babies died. Yes, they're bringing, I know that brings the average age down. Yes. How did they survive all day without five-hour energy drink? I don't know.

Magical elixirs like Coca-Cola. So you think you can dance? If I didn't have that show, I wouldn't be able to live another day. Oh, Emmett Smith's so dreamy. I love his, he's light of step, but it's also fun to see him be a fish out of water. So this guy, when he was confronted with being a werewolf, he confessed, he said that his nose had been broken

by a man named Skystan. Skystan broke my nose! He said he was a witch who was dead at the time when he had struck theses. And according to theses... He was a witch who must have been dead at the time. I don't know, I'm 80. Yeah.

All right, I'm fucking 80. Yo, listen to me still. Oh, man. So according to theses testimony, Skystan and other witches were preventing the crops in the area from growing. Their purpose for doing so was to carry the grain back into hell.

Yeah, they're taking our jobs just like these Mexicans. Yeah. But we can say because they're taking grain back to hell, it's more like they're Hexicans. Hmm? I'm not going to give it to you. A really corporate America and the government slave state, that's what's taking our jobs.

Hexicans. Mexicans are the scapegoats, the Hexicans. So these, with a band of other werewolves, descended into hell to fight the witches and recovering the grains. Now this is sort of like the plot to I Frankenstein. A little bit. Yeah.

But it's like instead of witches werewolves, it's Frankenstein's gargoyles. Yeah. So the warring of the werewolves and the witches, it occurred on three nights a year, St. Lucia, Pentecost, and St. John. So they fucking scheduled it? Well, it was during the seasonal changes

when presumably the portal to hell opened up. I hate to tell these fucking witches, but you need to fucking do some kind of sneak attack. You need to like not just have it be the three nights a year, man. Well, but if they were slow to their descent and the witches would bar the gates of hell, the crops, the livestock, and even the fish catch would suffer that year.

Gotta be on time. These werewolves are the fucking tip of the spear of the last hope for this country. I just feel like it would be easier to study wind patterns and just like why weather is. No, no, no, no, no, no, witches. Witches and werewolves, they fight a war about irrigation and things like that.

They just went with werewolves. Yeah, I mean, yeah, farm aid would have been a lot more interesting if it was about like, yo, we need to raise money to help buy shields for the werewolves that are fighting the witches with our brain going down to hell, y'all. That would have been a better concert, yeah. So those weapons, the werewolves carried iron bars,

the witches used broom handles, and these said that Skyston broke his nose with a broom handle wrapped in a horse's tail. A bunch of fucking nerds. And when asked what became of the souls of the werewolves, which is a natural question because at this time they believed that werewolves are of the devil,

these said that they all went to heaven, and he said that werewolves were the hounds of gods who helped mankind by preventing the devil from carrying off the abundance. And then this dude turned around, wiped sweat from his brow and was like, oh, I hope they believed all that bullshit. Yeah, I can't go back.

Yeah, they just, they're like, all right, now we can arrest them for being the man who had sex with all the tomatoes left in the silo. The tomato fucker. Oh, no. I'm a werewolf. These maintained that if it was not for them, the werewolves all would suffer.

He said that there were werewolves in Germany and Russia also fighting witches in their own hells. So each country has their own hell? Yes. There's a lot of, there's a lot of rules, a lot of structuries put into it. The middle ages, they made it up as they went along. I would have, we would have done so well then.

Yeah, I feel like everyone just made up these things on the fly after people came to their house with pitchforks and fire. And they were like, no, no, no, listen. No, listen, listen, no, all this is totally cool. Yeah. So this, he said that he maintained his innocence until the day that he was finally convicted of the crime,

the judges sentenced him to 10 lashes for acts of idolatry and superstitious beliefs. That's so bad. One of the few people to not be executed. That tells you, but that's how fast is Hawker. And again, he probably was also pretty damn funny. You gotta be funny in that scenario or you're gonna get punished.

So you mean I could have given those Mormons 10 lashes for superstitious beliefs? I think that, not anymore. I don't think you're allowed to do that. I'll tell them, I'll tell them how I'm like, I'm a good werewolf. I love to corner some Mormons and give them this theory and just be like,

I'm a fucking good werewolf and where were you? When I was fighting the fucking witches on St. John's Day. So asking, you may ask, if I'm a werewolf, how will I be cured? Marcus, if I'm a werewolf, how would I be cured? Let me tell you, sir. Good, this is good.

This is good. We should play this, we should have a segment in every episode which is like, Ben, the customer goes to Marcus, the apothecary. So in medieval Europe, there were three traditional methods to cure the victim of werewolfism, medicinally, via the use of wolfsbane,

surgically, or by exorcism. Surrogically. Surrogically. Here's how they actually did that. Of course, many of the surgical methods were extremely fatal to most of the patients. Ah, yes, yes, yes. And that's why they call what a doctor's do, a practice.

Yes. Sicilians believed in an old Arabic belief that you could cure a werewolf by striking him on the forehead or scalp with a knife. Yeah, I'd fucking try to get close to him. Yeah, sure, go ahead, yeah, Grandma. Yeah, go tap it on the fucking head with a knife.

With a real knife there. A tap or a real strike, huh? A strike. I strike you. Ow, ouch. Are you a werewolf anymore? I would never was. You can also kill a werewolf,

or you can also cure a werewolf by driving nails into his hands. Oh, Jesus Christ was a werewolf. It's very possible. Jesus was the first werewolf, Harry. Where was he the first 13 years? Or, no wait, 13, what was it? 13 to 30.

You could also cure a werewolf. Much less extreme methods in the German lowland of Schwerlsweig-Holstein. A werewolf could be cured if one were to simply address it three times by its Christian name. That's a nice way to do it. Yeah.

So if you're a werewolf, that's where you want to be. You want to be in lower Germany. That's a big thing too. It's like werewolves need to be reading these fucking books and newspapers and going to where the less harsh punishments are. Say your name three times. That's simple.

Yeah. And Danish belief holds that simply scolding a werewolf will cure it. You're bad, werewolf. You're bad. You're bad. No, how dare you, werewolf. Oh, I rubbed your nose

in the boy you murdered. You stinking werewolf. You have never been, oh, I spunk you. You know what, I'm cured. I spunk you. I'm actually cured. Thank you. I'll never kill that boy again.

Is that a Dutch accent? Yes, of course. I spunk you. That sounds hot. I spunk you. I spunk you. Seems like the milk is going to come today. Yeah, that's for sure.

We'll have to go back and learn it a little bit more, but that's fine. So you had surgery done to you. You had your forehead tapped with a knife or you just had your name said three times or scolded. Yeah, or exorcism was involved. Oh, people would die during these exorcisms, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, because they would keep them tied up with no food for days and days because they thought that they were making the demon hungry and it's got to go up for fucking pizza. Yeah. And it's like, I don't think you understand.

Guys, let's be reasonable. Sounds like the devil is still in him. No, no, no, no. Just like looking for a sandwich. Sounds like something the devil would say. Reasonable is of the devil's vocabulary. That's not true. No, it's of the devil's vocabulary.

I'm reasonable. Tell me how many peppers did Peter Papa pick? It's a fake. It's a fake thing. The devil's still in the boy. No, it's fake. Nine. Nine peppers.

Incorrect. The answer is four. What? Yes. That is right. So let's now, let's get into some crypto zoological way. This is my favorite thing because now it's like

what's the difference between a werewolf and a dog man? Well, let's stay back in the 17th, in the 18th century for just a moment with the beast of Gamble Dom. Ooh. Cool. It was associated with man-eating wolf-like

animals which terrorized Gamble Dom between 1764 and 1767. The attacks occurred in an area 56 by 50 miles. It was said to be committed by beasts that had formidable teeth and immense tails. Witnesses also saw the beast were wounded at several occasions without dying,

including shots at point-blank range. Victims were said to have their throats torn out and the French government used a considerable amount of manpower and money to hunt the animals, including the resources of several nobles, the army, civilians, and a number of royal huntsmen which the U.S.

government has still not done for Bigfoot. Yeah, come on, guys. Or the frogmen, or the melon heads out there terrorizing people. The fucking Marines aren't deployed to Virginia to take down the moth man. These are the French. Absolutely not.

The number of victims, quite a few victims, 113 deaths, 49 injuries, 98 of the victims killed were partially eaten. Other sources say that it was more between 60 and 100 adults and children injured more than 30. But nobody did math at the time. Nobody knew how to record a single fact.

They didn't even know how many kids they had on their own. I'm pretty certain that there's three girards. I'm not sure how many sons we have. Actually, interesting enough at this time, the French and particularly the English kept some of the most detailed and accurate

records of deaths specifically in the Black Panther. They loved death. They loved it. And they loved to write about it, much like us. Yeah, they were very obsessed with death those days. So they made sure to write down every fucking thing. Unfortunately, there were people that were, no, there were this many deaths.

Of course, no, there were 60. Which did it? Get out of here. Get out of here, Jacques. Of course, descriptions vary, but generally the beast was said to look like a wolf but was as big as a cow. It said it had a big dog-like head,

small straight ears, wide chest, a large mouth. The muzzle was said to look like that of a pig or a cat. Could it have been a bear? It could have been a swamp goat. There's lots of different animals out there. It could have been a bat cow.

Have you seen these bat cows? I did see the bat cow. They hang upside down when they sleep. Oh my goodness, but the best part though is that because they sleep during the day, you just fucking lop the head off right there and you got yourself bat-teabone. Oh my goodness.

Bat cow burgers are my favorite kind of... So the beast fur was said to be red, but its back was streaked with black. And of course, like most cryptozoological animals, was said to be accompanied by an unpleasant odor. Because they live in their shit? Yes, they do. Constantly.

So the first recorded attack of the beast of Garavon was recorded in 817-64. Many people were killed throughout that entire time and it's said that the victim would only target the victim's head or neck region. The bites were not to the arms and legs and which is actually unusual because that's usually where wolves and predators go to first.

And they tear open the guts too and so play with your fucking intestines. And they were good at killing. So these things were just like, you know, it could have just been, I don't know, I don't know what they were. This is the beast. I mean, you know, I'm no scientist.

I wasn't back in the day. You know what I mean? I wasn't there. You're not now. No. Never have been. So conjecture is useless. Well, I feel like a real CNN reporter.

You actually sound just like one, like zero information. You're saying words though. So the hunt is... Where's the plane? Oh, we still don't know. It's still up there somewhere. But these huge beasts,

they could focus in on the neck and just kind of tear off the head. Yeah. It looks like, yeah. And they never ate any other part of the body? Oh, no. They absolutely devoured most of the bodies. So how do we know what it started? Well, medieval forensics.

Yeah, but these are not... I mean, you're, again, you're looking for logic in medieval thinking. Yeah. We're just trying to tell the story to the people. Yeah, man. Yeah. Well, you sound like some of those fellows

on the Facebook page. Oh, take it easy. Oh, my goodness. I can't deal with all that. So, of course, the hunt finally came because so many people were being killed. They finally went to Louis the 15th, who sent two professional wolf hunters.

I shall send a wizard. And the wizard will beat the big dogs. Won't they, Salsior? Yes. Ah, yes, King Louis. I'll take care of the bat cows. That's how all this insanity started. Louis the 15th, so I'd assume he's...

Is he the 15th in this generation of Louis that have been king ever since? Oh, yeah. So, he's retarded. But he is like that. James Dolan is the second of all the Dolans, and he's the worst owner in the world. But they also could just have been...

They could have just been normal dogs, but then they couldn't catch them. And so, eventually, some sheriff is like, and those dogs, they were big as a cow. And yeah, yeah. And they were meanest, meanest dogs I've ever seen in my life. Louis the 15th is just sitting there drooling on the throne.

And he's like, yeah, go, yeah, go kill them. Oh, scary, yes. So, finally, two professional wolf hunters, Jean-Charles, Marc-Antoine, Vomicelle, D'Amval, and his son. Oh, he comes running, by the way. Holy Christ. You're a wolf hunter.

And your name? That is the sexiest job you can have. And, of course, in 1765, Antoine killed another wolf that was 31 inches high, 5 feet 7 inches long, and weighing 130 pounds. Big fucking wolf. Yeah.

So, they thought they had him. However, on December 2nd, 1769, another beast severely injured two men. And finally, the creature was killed by Jean Castel on 1770, says that he was a part of a large hunting party, and he sat down to read the Bible and pray. But during one of the prayers, the creature came into sight staring at Castel,

who finished his prayers before shooting the beast. And some believe that this is proof that Castel participated with the beast, because the beast did not immediately attack him. So, it's said that this good Christian man may have been in league with the devil. Sounds like a nerd to me. Oh, yes, I will kill you, beast,

when I'm done with my readings, yes? When I'm done with my readings, beast. So, stay right there. Don't move, beast. Stay right here. Stay right there. And just be very patient. What are you reading?

So, let's get to some of the American cryptozoological. Yes, I would have beasted three rows. So, Castel did it, huh? Castel saved the day. Castel saved France. Saved the day and saved all of France. Ah, yes, and baguettes for everyone. So, the Michigan dog man was reported in 1887

in Wexford County, Michigan. He was sighted all over Michigan, primarily in the northwestern quadrant, quadrant of the lower peninsula. Now, that's a lot of directional information. Yes, it is. Northwestern quadrant of the lower peninsula. Well, you know me, I like the facts.

Yes. So, the Michigan dog man, he also attacked this man, Robert Fortney, who said he attacked by five wild dogs. One of the two walked on two legs, which, you know, I've seen before. When you cut off a dog's two front legs. I know, exactly. Every time I cut around on two legs.

Every time I've snipped off a dog's two fucking front legs. Right, right. They always stand right up, and they're all like, and they'll do a little dancing. So, Henry, I noticed you had a broken chair there, but the two new legs, are those, are there dog legs? There's dog legs standing right up.

There's still hair. You didn't shave the hair off from there. I know this is where dog men come into play. I think a lot of times what we're going to see with these dog men is that they're bears that got into some mushrooms, and they're all standing up all weird, or they have like mange. Yeah, and the weirdest thing about the Michigan dog man

is that in 1987, the legend of Michigan dog man gained popularity when a disc jockey from WTCM FM recorded a song about the creature and its reported sightings. Oh, cool. Called, The Legend of Dog Man Song. What's it all about?

Henry's going to do a little dance for us here. So the officer and I went out there, and me and Ben were going to be charged with a task. Well, Henry has not started to dance, and he is still sitting, and he's just waving his arms around, like he's way, way back in the hot dog line, but he wants to get the hot dog vendors attention,

so the hot dog man will just throw him a hot dog because of football, and he's going to catch it in his mouth like he's a real dog man. I just realized in order for me to dance, I'll have to wear these headphones, and I will just rip it off the table. The whole thing.

You could stand up the things along the line. No, you could just stay. It doesn't matter. I mean, we could make it up, and now it looks like a little, if a teapot could dance, literally hailed Hitler. Yeah, he's doing it. You want to say that at this point,

and he's now flipping the bird off as if he's angry with the hot dog man for not getting his attention. He's now making his index fingers long nipples, so that's kind of arousing and kind of exciting there. Oh, nipples on his knees. Nipples are now down on his knees. This is a really wonderful dance.

And now he is once again hailing Hitler. All right. Well, wonderful dance. Yeah, and you can check it out. 11 Lumberjacks near the garland swamp found an animal that was a dog. In a playful mood, they chased it around till it ran inside.

No chorus to this song. Just a story magic. No, it's like, it's a story rap. I mean, the most amazing thing so far is that people had jobs in Michigan. We had a disjockey in Lumberjacks. It's been seen in decades. We got to put this song up.

Yeah, we'll put this song up on the Facebook page. Great song, great song. Oh, yeah. It's wonderful. And it's just seven then did people go out and try to hunt the dog man. Oh no, no, no, no, they just kind of let it happen. No, they wanted to party with the dog man.

Yeah, you had a fuckin, you had a sweet ass DJ. And by the way, it sold thousands upon thousands of copies. He made a little cassette tapes, and he donated all of the profits to a local animal shelter. That is very sweet. Yeah, DJs are usually terrible people. That's the nicest thing I've ever heard of one doing.

A radio DJ. literally it's like on the terms of like morality it's like the very bottom is fucking US senator and then right above in his fucking radio DJ I was a radio DJ for five years yeah you're one of the good ones Marcus I will agree they've all got the ponytail the baseball cap but now they know exactly they know exactly how to tell those kids that it's reverse time here at the old ski hut roller skater here at Albertsons this afternoon we're giving away hats we're giving away frisbees we're giving away ke yj bumper stickers all right and

everybody let's get the lead out you know so let's get to there's also the beesa bray road which is a bray roll yeah that's an elk horn Wisconsin he's described by reported witnesses been several ways a bear-like creature two feet tall on all fours but you actually you know what let's let a couple of Wisconsinites describe it to us themselves mom dad this is in Honey Creek Wisconsin we went out on a Friday night to a fish fry actually it was a clear night there's a bridge we have to go across you have to make a left-hand turn right

after the bridge and I spotted something on the bridge in my headlights I stopped approximately 20 25 feet from the creature I think I may have said oh my god what is that head is back to us at first and swung around and looked right in the car I made eye contact with it 600 pounds seven I don't know but it was huge over seven foot tall as far as the fur that was reddish brown guys were black it didn't just vanish into nowhere it jumped off of a bridge it's like I can't believe you saw that you know what was that did we really see that thing at all even did you see that oh my god you guys were not believe it I was just

crossing the street right and then I saw two lights coming at me in the two big fat heads and they look like they were like a fish fry or something wait a second I think oh that's the biggest one of the kissles the kissle family there oh yeah they'll just let let him go George I don't know Mary Beth I don't know I think I should hit it with my car it is being a kissle man it ain't easy no it ain't well let's wrap up this episode with the Kentucky Wolf man yeah are there any like more urban wolf people like downtown Chicago there ain't no vampire in Brooklyn here buddy oh I would have been awesome though yeah I mean

come on think about Lower East Side Wolf man just like walking on the street like he's like an art star I mean that's he would be famous here everywhere else they want to mention and here they'd be like wow look at that guy he should open a gallery drug deal on the side coke coke smoke dope coke smoke Newport Newport all in this fur and stuff werewolf fur oh here you go since 1944 folks in rural Kentucky have been reporting sightings of a gigantic wolf like creature that walks up right I don't tell them now well I'm average it won't bird he wouldn't a bird well one man did describe it as a cross between a bear

and a gorilla mostly comes from the flat land oh yeah of course it was like two big times double big heads yeah wow some sit at a white or grayish looking coats is the heights of an average man that's hands have long claws and the feet are somewhat like a humans but configured more like a canine and it seems to be extremely aggressive kind of like Michael Douglas's feet in behind the candelabra have you seen there were some reason I watched behind the candelabra and there's a scene where he they're about to fuck each other Matt Damon and Michael Douglas and they show my Michael Douglas his feet and his feet

are like an evil bird's feet yeah he is the weirdest old man feet I've ever seen that's all I have I don't I mean this very very possible yeah the first reported attack was by a boy who's at the old fishing hole and was attacked by a silver gray wolf-like creature he's treated for deep cuts and shock next report came in 1972 a hunter said that he was attacked from behind by something and he had deep claw marks on the back on his back attack from a hunter you know so you know me I'm a good old face Christian man I got my wife Beverly things are fine things are fine in the house you know right next thing I know

I'm fishing and her chest just creeps its way up my back and up my shirt touch a model touch a model over yeah Billy and also this must be some kind of were wolf right totally not that fishing hole there have been no fish in that hole for 20 years there have been many many many attempts to hunter kill this creature or capture him but it's very elusive it can easily escape those that pursue it no one's found it yet no one's found it yet any found it yeah you know how it can easily escape people in rural Kentucky above average canine intelligence above average canine it's somewhere between the combination of

above average canine intelligence and below average human intelligence yeah that's the I mean above that intelligence should still make it be able to be found by human intelligence it's not a suit yeah it's not a slightly smarter than a dog I I knew when I alright so yes I made a John cage took a cage I filled with beef broth I got a I got a pot of beef broth in there to attract the werewolf in there and I put a Rubik's Cube in there and then he walked right in there he drank that broth he completed that Rubik's Cube and just walk straight out of my trap and it turns out it's because I forgot to put springs in

it oh yeah you gotta put springs in it so it shuts and then kind of locks on them yeah so in the 80s two lawmen were investigating the siding and Ashland cemetery and we're cornered they said that it came within 30 feet of them paced back and forth growling until it got bored and retreated back into the cemetery well that is it that is an exciting lawman story of all the lawman stories I've ever the dog man wants well I'll be seen very good thank you so much 2001 and by the way yeah these are continuing to this day 2001 a couple said they were driving down a deserted road and green up counting they were

afforded that the beast came running down the road towards them and instead of avoiding the vehicles it just jumped right over and went on its way also heard in 2001 a a werewolf dressed as an indigenous Middle Eastern man entered into a cross-country flight at JFK airport and crashed it into the World Trade Center wait a second are you blaming 9-11 on werewolves or I'm just saying you think the Muslim the extremists are the scapegoat for the werewolf I'm just saying that if they're happy if there had just been a Greek woman with the ceremonial knife on there to tap him on the scalp just to make

sure we would not be in this post 9-11 so you would recommend the PSA instead of the strip search and taking off your shoes just tap everyone on the forehead with a sharp slice people looking for hair underneath it and pressing silver onto them then do you think that's that would be acceptable with the Constitution if yes my god these are a lot of good theories here totally theories 2005 a man went outside to investigate a strange noise and saw what he thought was a child but realized that the three-foot tall being was covered in hair and had a snout like a dog it's a dog it's a dog that's

definitely a small to large maybe a St. Bernard who could be a cute dog strong and of course this year maybe I think this was written in 2013 the team from mountain monsters went to Hazelton Kentucky to investigate a recent sighting a man out hunting in the woods obtained video footage of the creature walking in the tree line at a distance the footage showed an upright biped animal a good six or seven feet tall and just walking through the woods waving at the camera during their visit to Hazelton other people came forth with accounts of finding tracks the tracks were larger than an average man's

hand and were canine from the tracks the creature was judged to be in the 350 pound range this team set up a steel drop trap and baited it with a live goat to try to capture the animal like in Jurassic Park sure yeah yeah capturing their uncle Larry he doesn't want to eat he wants to hunt so it seems like we have a 300 pound werewolf here but back in the old French days are around 130 pounds I think we have an obesity epidemic yeah that is where wolves have been guys they've been to watch too much TV we've been given them isn't in this these Nintendo DS's yeah with their Pokemon cards these werewolves are lazy they're getting lazier

because it possessed an uncanny ability to elude capture and this I'm not sure catch seas no catch seas can't catch me I'm too quick and because of Kentucky's standard of uncanny is once again very low yes they say that his uncanny of uncanny abilities included included the tactic of walking around the triggering met triggering mechanism and not eating the goat I think they got you got to go after it you know you gotta be the aggressor I just think that we need to leave these dog people alone that wasn't that's another good idea and let them let them live their dog people lives then what are the mountain monster hunter

guys gonna tell their wives they do for a living they go back to working at fucking Walmart that would be a good idea all right well that's where we are today's episode on werewolves we've still got a lot more stuff to do I love these werewolves we've got the mass wolf pack attacks which we mentioned briefly earlier this scourge of teen werewolves that is going on in this country right now such a scourge we've also got the big the whole witchcraft of trials serial killers that were said to be werewolves a lot of werewolves stuff coming up I'm excited about it all right everybody well I will say in

Augusta Lations yeah sure then I'll do a hail yourselves and hail yourselves and that's Marcus Parks on Twitter Henry loves you on Twitter I'm Ben Kessel on Twitter hail Satan how keen help me and yeah I think that's all the hails and don't go fuck yourself yeah that's very nice yeah if you're gonna go do a fishing hole make sure it is fishing it otherwise you're gonna be attacked by a probably a hairy fellow who lives in the woods and I'll say it this way too yeah if you've had sex with a man in the woods don't blame the werewolves that's right you know I mean it gets better