Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 128: Werewolves Part II: Eat the Boy

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

We wrap up out two parter on werewolves with the notorious witch trials of the 16th and 17th centuries and the wide variety of brutal murders blamed on various werewolves during that same time period.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? God. How much is that doggy in the window? How much is that doggy for sale? Is that the theme song of that? You put it to like a baseball song.

Yeah. Give me that doggy and his old leash. I won't leave until you give me that dog cause it's roof. Roof roof cause it's a doggy. If he's not barking it's mute. How many pet stores do you get kicked out of a month? He gets kicked out of one, two, three pet stores. I don't go in anymore cause I didn't take my lexapro.

You should probably stick to the medication. Otherwise you just stare in puppy's eyes and cry. I don't go to a doctor. That's good. It's best not to. Welcome to the show everyone. That's Marcus Parks. I'm Ben Kissel. Should be Medicaid at Henry's at Browse? Now you're just an... An honor of werewolves part two. You're going to become a dog.

I'm doing it all like a Peter Stumpf today. I can't wait. Aren't I a naughty dog? We're Wolverie. Today is going to be exciting. I'm going to say we're Wolfery. Well I think it's a V and if I'm correct and I am it's we're Wolverie. We're like a Chuck Wolverie but a werewolf. I like a Chuck Wolverie.

A Chuck Wolverie is a great Wolverie. A big dog who's in charge of the love connection. Chuck Wolverie. Well today... We're Wolverie. We're Wolverie. We're going to be going through werewolf and witchcraft trials and werewolf and serial killing throughout history. Not good to be convicted of a werewolf.

Not bad. I would say it's bad to be a werewolf but also at this time it was also probably pretty bad to just be a dog. Oh yeah, definitely. We're going back as far as the 15th century here. Do you have any information as to when we sort of domesticate the dog? Not off the top of my fucking head. That's actually going to be our next podcast. It's like an animal husbandry.

Episode 130. Animal husbandry. I'm just saying that if we want to get some good research on this podcast, we need to start going on the way way back. Yeah, when we began to domesticate the dog. I do believe it was during the 1400s though. Werewolf. It was a very common accusation in witch trials throughout history. Accusations of lycanthropy, which is transformation into a wolf, were usually mixed with accusations of wolf writing or wolf charming. Never mind wolf hugging or wolf kissing.

That's how you charm them. Oh yeah, you give a little... Oh, you're so cute. Then you suck its dick. He is guilty. Wait a minute, I just sucked the dog's dick. You were charming, my friend. Oh yes, it was pretty charming the way I made that dog come into my mouth.

Yes, you can technically suck the dog off but not so nicely. Well, in a vowed, I believe that might be in Germany, France, Europe, definitely. Yeah, what is vowed? I think vowed is, it's a city without a doubt. We do know that. Stick with that, it's just a city. Child eating werewolves reported as early as 1448. Werewolves were cited in 1598 in Anjou.

That's France, definitely. And a teenage werewolf was sentenced to life imprisonment in Bordeaux in 1603. But he then started playing for the prison basketball team and became... I don't want any more, no more Teen Wolf, no more Teen Wolf references. You can't do it. Well, we do, I mean this was back in 1603, but in case you did know, teenage werewolves exist to this day. Yes, absolutely.

Oh, and it's a common thing, but what I will say is don't be afraid of them. Try to understand them. And in fact, KENS-5 in San Antonio decided to take a little trip down to the local high school to talk to some of these teenage werewolves. Let's hear what they have to say. Definitely, yeah, out of the mouths of babes, huh? Werewolf babes. Were babes.

Meet members of the wolf pack, one of several packs scattered about San Antonio's... Losers! Gangs are posers. They just want attention. That's why they go on tagging stuff. The pack, we're family. We go to see each other for our problems. And yes, they sometimes meet under a full moon.

That is, if mom and dad let them out of the house. We're here. What are their problems? Were they run out of kibble? No. All right. And you know what? We have some San Antonio listeners.

And if you see any of this wolf pack, will you please leave out some Alpo? Get some Alpo out there. Give them a nice howl. Give them a howl hello and tell them about the podcast. I think they'd really enjoy it. So back to the old timey witch hunts. A peak of attention to lycanthropy came in the late 16th, the early 17th century as part of the European witch hunts. And 18 trials, 18 women and 13 men were accused of causing damage to property and cattle while in the shape of werewolves.

And under torture, they confessed to having hidden their wolf skins under a rock. Where's this fucking rock though? Out of all the things to confess under torture. It's under a rock. It's under the rock. A lot of times you're going to see this. I feel like as soon as they get to the torture phase of any of these, they have to confess something because either way they're dead. So it's like, you might as well go out big and say you're an werewolf.

And we're going to get into this with these people. One of my biggest pet peeves, if I was growing up in the 1600s, is when they start ratting out their friends. Under the torture. Why are you going to bring me into this? Make up a name, improv. I feel that it is. It was Gertrude de Bunchedon. Gertrude de Bunchedon.

We got to go to the mall. You've got to find her. Maybe she's at the mall. Don't name your best goddamn friend. Henry, if I'm ever getting tortured, I'm not going to name your name. Thank you, Ben. I won't say I won't. Not mention you.

I don't know what that means. So you're going to mention me? Marcus, you probably will be guilty. And I will tell the truth under torture. Well, during the valet witch trials alone, which not all of them were werewolves, but in those witch trials alone, at least 367 men and women were killed. Yeah, because we're not even touching the where seals or their where seals in this whole thing. These where seals, most of them just ran like restaurants.

Yeah. Good cooks. The Larson family is a long line of where seals. Yeah, very underreported. They don't eat any humans. They just sort of eat a lot of high-carbed foods. And they bark. Yes, yes.

One of the women that were on trial for where wolverie, her name was Claudia Gilliard, or Gaylord. And according to witnesses, she was seen behind a bush, assuming the form of a wolf without a tail. Maybe she was just taking a dump. Dumping it. She may have been taking a dump at the time. But at the time, they were like, women don't toss rocks from their backeth. They toss only stream water. She's a werewolf.

She's got to be here. There is no way that she is doing a natural human thing, such as poo poo. She's a werewolf. Well, she was tortured. And how did they torture this one? Regarding the torture, the judge commented. They just kept giving her orange as the new black spoilers. Oh.

Oh. They all die. No, they don't. The judge says, common report was against her. No one ever saw her shed a single tear. Whatever effort might be made to cause her to shed tears. And then she was burnt at the stake. They should have showed her that Shakespearean love movie.

And also the term common report was against her meant everybody thought she was a bitch. Bitch? You're being tried as a bitch. Sorry, a witch. Never mind. Well, this other guy's name was Michael Verdun. He was the werewolf of Polygny. How do you pronounce that?

I don't think it's Polygny. I'm sure it's not how I say it. Polygny. In 1521, Jean-Bran inquisitor of Bessincon. I ask the questions and you answer them. I am the grand inquisitor. Let me ask you this inquisitor. Are you a gay?

I am. I ask the questions. You give the answers. Do you know if I'm gay or not? You are gay. Thank you for releasing me. Let Dandy Phopp tried Philbert Montau, Pierre Bourgeois, and Michael Verdun for having made a pact with the devil and for lycanthrope. Lycanthropy.

They all just, I just pictured Gerard Des Pardoux in my head for all of these characters. Yeah. It's me. It's Gerard Des Pardoux, Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, and then Candlestick from Beauty and the Beast. Oh, yeah. Gay, by the way. No, no. He was a confirmed bachelor. So these men, they came under suspicion when a traveler passing through the area was attacked by a wolf.

Of course, the man was quite the formidable opponent, so he was able to stab one of the wolves. And so he followed the trail of the injured creature. He came upon a hut, and inside was Michael Verdun, who was under the care of his wife, was washing a wound on his body. I must have washed it, washed it, cut on the penis. I washed it, cut on the penis. You gotta stab him in the penis a little bit? Yeah. And then, of course, the man seeing this, he believes, well, this has to be the wolf.

Of course. So he goes to the authorities, they pick up Michael Verdun, they torture him. And then he admitted, under torture, that he was a shapeshifter, and also named two werewolf accomplices. This is some bullshit. And then also confessed to diabolism, murder, and eating human flesh, and all three men were promptly executed. I just feel like if you're getting tortured and you can shapeshift, you shift, right? Oh, yeah. Activate it. Scared the shit out of him.

Turn into the wolf. You go like, wow, look exactly like the dude that's like going at, like, as a quizzing man, and then being like, I'll go and sleep with your wife. You go and fuck any woman in town. And you realize, ooh, what about the voice? No, you can have one. So finally, by about 1653, all this started winding down. This pastor, an actual pastor came out, he said, this is an illusion. After that, the only record of there being like, canthropy being prosecuted. There was a boy who claimed he and his mother could change themselves into wolves.

And actually they didn't even prosecute that. They didn't take him seriously. But this is the slippery slope of liberalism, and now we got a bunch of teens in Texas. Proclaiming their were wolves, and then we're just letting them off free, and they're famous. Yep, they got fame because of it. They're getting hugged in the street. It's awful. And so in the 17th century, James I of England started winding down all of the were wolf, or all of the witch hysteria. He called them varvals, and he said that they were victims of delusion induced by, quote, a natural superabundance of melancholic.

God, sciences, not come that far. Yes, we don't see melancholic anymore, but sometimes you'll have like a mysterious cough or something, and then they look at you and they're like, I don't know what you got. You sad? Have you been sad lately? They also, this is a little sad. We mentioned it briefly in the last episode, but they did believe that children and people with Down syndrome were were wolves. I like this, though. You know, they're not pitying the Down syndrome kid. They're terrified of them. They just fucking lop their heads off as soon as they're born. If they were afraid of them, it'd be a different story. I'd say more power to them. Let them take the word and own the word, you know, but that's the thing is because it says here, it's because they were, they were born with a flat face.

They have the flat. I mean, really Down syndrome kids couldn't be further from a were wolf. They're very nice. I don't know. They're hypernaturally strong. They are. They can only know one speed, full speed. Yeah, absolutely. They're going to run up a tree and they're always sleeping on the couch. Now, how many times do you swat up on the butt with a fucking newspaper? Has anyone tried to put a football helmet and pads on these kids? I bet you they'd be great. They can't. They cannot remember plays. What you do is, is that you tie ropes to them, right, and put them on tracks. Right. You do like old, like, you know, that old electronic video game that it goes, and like, you know, the old, like, fiber it around and you time to post. And then you sort of like electrify the posts until they fucking kind of like, all around a field. And then that what we do is number one, when we control these players, we eliminate the possibility of concussion and also we stop giving criminals millions upon millions of dollars.

Well, I have no idea how you're going to do that with that plan. That is offensive on many levels. Have you ever seen a guy with Down syndrome with a beard? They always seem hairless. Well, let's move on. I mean, we don't know. I'm just saying, it doesn't go into the werewolf mythos. I don't know. They got the flat face. I mean, you know, this is 1600, 16th century logic. That is true. But yeah, over the years, we have evolved and lycanthropy is a diagnosable medical condition. Now it's in the DSM five. And they believe now that lycanthropy is just a manifestation of schizophrenia. It does meet all four of the conditions for schizophrenia.

So now it's just seemed like that's just a real special brand of it. Yeah, possibly because we know a lot of people that, you know, Richard Ramirez believed that he was truly evil and he changed into a beast. I mean, I think that that was true. But yeah, so that's as close as we have to modern werewolves are like the more vicious serial killers. Do you remember the vampire of Sacramento? Yeah, you know, that's not that far off from our next fucking character. Yeah, now we're going to get into actual murderers throughout the years. Most of these are, you know, from this era, this time period of the 16th, 16th and 17th century up to the 18th.

But these are some of the most brutal murders that I've ever fucking read about. I mean, there was just more freedom before the cameras, you know, cameras on every light post on every stop. 24 hour goddamn news cycle. Please state this first guy's name's Peter Stubby, the werewolf of Bedbury. It's Stube. I believe it's Peter Stube. Well, he's also documented as Peter Stube, Peter Stube, Peter Stube, and Peter Stoomf. And then also Abel Griswold, Abiel Griswold, and Ubel Griswold.

Oh, I like Ubel. Well, there wasn't really a standardization of spelling in those days. No, no, no, everyone's just kind of making it up as a go. You can just lie to people about your name back there. There's no identification card. My name is Ravencloak Archibald. Why? Because it's Wednesday tomorrow. It will be something different.

They'll never call me a nerd again. So this all happened in Cologne, Germany, or around Cologne, Germany. Oddly enough, the place fucking stank. I was gonna do it, but you got there first. So a lot of farmers. Is this where Cologne comes from, by the way, is it like Champagne? I think so. And not from Germany, though, is that there are Cologne, France.

This has been probably one of the lesser accurate episodes. Well, we don't know much about Europe. We've never been there. I know a hell of none about Merck. I know about Europe. Oh, I know a bit. Not much. All right.

So a lot of, for many years, farmers around Bedburg were mystified by the strange deaths of their cows, day after day for weeks on end. They would see them all just around the dead cow. Just like, yep. Here? That is, yep. My question is about the cow. Is that its feet?

Or go on? Yep, yep, yep. So what car are you driving these days? You driving a car? Woof, yep. Hot summer. Very hot summer. Yeah.

All right. So, of course, the farmers, they suspected wolves. I mean, they were all, all these cattle were attacked in the manner of wolves. You know, throats ripped out, completely mutilated. But dick sucked. Well, again, what happened? Did you have a saucy dream last night about a red doggy dick or something? No, no, I'm just saying you'd be surprised.

No cameras, again. So you're telling me if we went back to 1930, whether there's very little cameras, everybody's sucking anything stick, anything that wasn't pinned down. So this guy, Peter Stube, it was not wolves. It was actually a mass murderer ramping up to his first murder. Oh, yeah. So he did start with the cattle, though. Was he learning how to mutate human bodies and things?

They're just getting cozy, cutting meat. Yeah, just getting comfortable with this fucking awful, awful mental disease that he had. Children, of course, started disappearing. It just sounds like the beginning of Dave Thomas' career from Wendy's. Ah, yes. Sure. So children began to disappear from farms and homes. Young women vanished from paths that they traveled daily.

Some were found dead, horribly mutilated. Others were never found. And of course, hungry wolves were suspected. They thought they'd start with cattle. They're moving up to humans. Were there any found just like, nicely mutilated? You just look at a mutilated and be like, he is getting very good at this.

No, only with the folded body. So Peter Stube, he did not literally translate into a wolf, to transform into a wolf, of course, but he was known to wear wolf skin while he was doing these devilish fucking things. Now, how fucking frightening is that? That rather than him even being a wolf, is that he's got a fucking bloody wolf skin all over him, just going like,

oh my god. Come here, come here, come here, everybody. It's a nice jacket, but I throw blood on that jacket because you don't wear fur for a clothes. That's what I always say. Is that what you always say? No, I just don't have enough money for a fur coat. What do you call that fur coat you're wearing?

And those mink lined boots you have on? I call them when I want to feel like a woman out there. So at his trial, Stubb confessed that the devil gave him a magic belt of wolf fur at age 12, that when he put it on, he transformed him into the likeness of a greedy devouring wolf, strong and mighty,

with eyes great and large, which in the night, sparkled like brands of fire, a mouth great and wide, with moot shop and cruel teeth, a huge body, and mighty paws. I'm a owl.

And now you can buy that same belt at Hot Topic for $29.99. So get out there, San Antonio kids. I kind of sounded like the Lord Rael voice. Oh my goodness. They're like this of a greedy devouring wolf. They're going to be dead soon, huh? What a group of fucking morons. They're really ramping it up, man.

The white robes are in. It gets dumber and dumber every week. He's just out of ideas. He's biding time because people keep coming up to him and being like, when's the final solution going to happen? He's like, next week. Next week, yes. But until then,

take out a bag of chips and make them in two shorts. You want them to wear jorts? Jorts for everyone. So Peter Stube. I think you made a mistake there, Lord Rael. They all look like clansmen. Tell them to take the hoods off, would you? So of course, Peter Stube,

he was actually a fucking absolutely insane serial killer. He was responsible for the deaths of 13 children, two pregnant women, numerous livestock, some of his actual, this is some details on his murders. Most of the young women were sexually assaulted before being ripped apart. With the pregnant women, he ripped the fetuses from their wounds

and ate their hearts, panting hot and raw, which he later described as dainty morsel, dainty morsels. A heart is a dainty morsel? Small children were strangled, bludgeoned, and the throats were ripped open with his bare hands. Some were disemboweled and partially eaten. And of course, the lambs and the calves

were ripped apart and devoured raw. I mean, he sounds like a werewolf to me. This is pretty much what they would do, right? Or, I mean, he was a very early foodie. And he really liked to get very natural. The original like George Zimmer and like bizarre foods. Yeah, can you believe it? And this is kid's penis.

I'm eating it for the television show, and I gotta say, I'm horrified at the depths I've crawled to. And in one instance of a triple murder, stub-sauced two men and a woman taking a walk outside the city walls of Bedburg and crouched out of sight and hid behind a bush. I'm hiding, I'm a werewolf. Yeah, this is kind of comical.

This is very comical. He called out to one of the men by name. He knew one of them. Hey buddy, hey buddy, I need help with some wood, yeah. All right, Stubbs, they'll be right over there, buddy. Just come over here. Behind this bush. Why are you behind the bush, Stubbs?

I'm a werewolf. Oh, no! When the young man was out of sight, Stubb bashed his head in. When the man didn't return, the second young man went looking for him. Where could he be? My buddy over there, he went to see me. Oh, no!

And then, of course, the woman, fearing danger after the second young man did not come back. She didn't even go looking for the other young man. That woman fucking dashed. Oh, she dashed. Yes, she should have! Two strong men went missing. She's just a gal.

We don't know if they're strong. One or the other, they were incredibly strong, or they were weak with malnourishment and disease. So the men's bodies were later found, but the woman's body never was, and some said that after he raped and killed her, he ate her completely. That's where that Richard Marks song is all about.

I swear, I left her by the river, which is kind of interesting. She's been drowned. Really? Interesting. It's about Peter Stube. Well, at least one child was actually able to escape from Peter Stube.

He saw them, he ran after them. He's tried to grab one small girl by the neck. All the other children ran away. He tried to rip her throat out. He just went into just a crowd, like a school of children. They were playing in a meadow among some cows. This is how a whale feeds, right?

Well, that's what I was saying. I literally think he was running through a field and going like, I'm away! I'm close. I'll eat you. So there's some Darwinism here, right? Or some survival of the fittest. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be Darwinism. So the slow fat one just got grabbed by the neck. But she had one of those high colors. All the other comes up there, about such delicious strawberries and chocolates. But I finished my dessert. Oh, I'm being eaten by the animals.

Oh, that was the girl that got murdered? That was a fat young boy. Oh, I see. A fat young German boy. I don't know why he's there. That's funny. This little girl got away to her very high 17th century neckline.

She started screaming, and since they were playing in a meadow among the cows, the cows became frightened for their cattle and attacked Peter Stubb, and the girl was able to run away. Saved by the cows. Saved by the cows.

Very interesting. And Stubb wasn't only just a rapist and a murderer, he was also a purveyor of incest. That's right. I'm Mr. Stubbs, not only am I known for rape and murder, I also fuck my kin. I've been fucking my boy, and I've been fucking my sister.

I couldn't get any worse. I guess I got my day planner full being a werewolf and all. He had incestuous relationships with his sister and his own daughter, whom he impregnated. He was also into infanticide, murdered his firstborn son,

led the boy into the forest, killed him, and ate his brains. Come on here with your son. Come on with me, son. I made a nice swing for you. Come on here. I ate your brains. I'm a werewolf.

I wish we could play that Bill Cosby bit where it's like, I brought you into this world and I can take you out. And we're just like, oh, that is funny. That's funny. In the damnable life and death of Stubb Peter, written just two years after his trial, George Borus wrote,

I'm sold three times. You would go through the streets of Cullen, Bedmar, and Pepperac. This town is spelled C-P-E-R-A-D-D. So, that would happen. In Cully habit, very civilly, as one well-known to all the inhabitants thereabout,

and oftentimes was he saluted of those whose friends untitled when he had butchered, though nothing suspected for the same. I... Someone's got to get that mustached walrus back into the ocean. That's what it sounds like to me. My bristles keep falling down.

I'm covered in yogurt. Yogurt, alright. So, when they found the limbs of several missing persons in a field, the townspeople, of course, this is where they saw it. Alright, this is probably a wolf, or at least many wolves.

So, they sent out hunters to find this wolf or wolf pack. And they saw out in a field a gigantic wolf, and they followed the wolf. They tracked him, and when they finally had the wolf cornered, it was not a wolf,

but instead a cowering Peter Stubb. Peter Stubb. Was in the forest. So, he just sort of looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the beginning of Terminator 2, just nude in the fetal position. Yeah, because he thought, of course, I can't escape

from all of these wonderful German hunters. So, I'm going to take off my wolf belt, and then I'm going to greet them as a man. Yeah, sure, absolutely. Cops hate to arrest a naked man. Yeah, and especially Germans. They're not into killing people at all.

So, that he only had an ordinary walking stick. That's the opposite. We could just reach your fucking grandfather's journey. You know, I'm sick of it, Henry. Your father was an NYPD officer who used to play German music so... No, I mean, he wasn't a good man,

but he was on the right side. All right. Of course, they thought, all right, we know Peter Stubb. He's a nice guy. He has waved to us in town on a sundry day. That's all you had to do back in the day

was be like, hello, that was a wonderful man. So, of course, they took him back to us and said, this must be a devilish trick. Let us take Peter Stubb back to his home, but on the way that became suspicious and, of course, arrested him on the spot and tried him for his crimes. He was brought to trial

and only under pain of torture on the rack. Of course. Because the rack is just, like, literally just, like, breaking your arms over a half an hour and he's just like, get it! But then I get up, but I also feel like the detail

of these crimes that he said, I really think it also gets to a point where it's like, I'm gonna die, the way I ruined my career. But you're the one who stands the same. Yeah, I'm right. Yeah no, I'm the only one that has maybe a broken arm,

but it's not out of there. Sure, I'm not a big)(f *** %** just bone traveled, yeah, I know, I know, you probably hear about maybe unfortunately, but some where,

but still, So it was also called making a kissle. That's where my family comes from. Long rack survivors. Some say that Peter Stube was actually probably innocent because all of this was, the entire, all the confessions were made under the directs of torture.

Right. But he was all, but regardless, he was found guilty on October 28th, 1889, 1589. And the execution was extremely gruesome. His body was strapped spread eagle on a large wheel. So this is after the torture. After the torture. So he just bent through it all.

Yeah. This is his torture. And it was slow and long. And with red hot pinchers, his executioners pulled flesh from his bones in 10 spots. His arms and legs were broken with a large axe and his head was cut off. Yeah, you know what?

You know what? I would just like, get to the, get to the head part. You know? You gotta kill these werewolves dead though. Yeah, I never heard of this before. Just the 10, they just pull it like a pulled pork. Just 10 spots all over the body. So we didn't die from that.

No, he of course. Well, they, the pinchers were red hot. So sure. It cauterized the wounds as they were doing it. So he wasn't bleeding it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was just a different kind of death penalty. Although not much worse than what we have now.

You know when you say someone's hot and you're like the and you let you poke it and go like, ooh, they used to do that for real and melt your fucking skin. So stub, stube was like, but you think I'm attractive? Is that what this is about? It's like, yeah.

Now we're going to cut off your dick. Okay. So on October 30th, first they executed Peter. They, well, they burned his body at the stake. And you know what? They went ahead and threw his wife and mistress on the fire as well. Well, you got the fire going.

You know, it's like, if you got an extra couple of stakes in the fridge and you already got the grill on. Then of course, after he was already burned, they took the wheel on which he was tortured, set it high upon a pole from which hung 16 yard long strips of wood, representing the 16 known victims.

The first freedom tower. Yeah, it really, humans have not changed at all. No, we really haven't. At the top was the framed likeness of a wolf and above on the sharpened point of a pole was placed Peter Stubbs severed head. Now that is fucking heavy metal. It is heavy metal, yeah.

Is there been any bands called like Peter Stubbs? Stubbs. There, the band Macabre wrote a song called The Werewolf of Bedburg, which is pretty fucking sweet. He's like, this Stubb, he went and ate some kids and had a good time. Yeah, he had a good time.

That's a little bit too metal for our kids right now, Liza. So our next Werewolf. Are we done with Stubb? We're done with Stubb. He's all dead, huh? He did a Stubb, he didn't have a tail, but what he did was he went and he killed his son.

He killed his son. And ate his brain. It's another song by, what was it? It's called Macalder. So the next one is Giles Garnier, who's a French hermit known as the hermit of Saint Bonot or the Werewolf of Dole. Bob Dole.

Dole, man. I'm a Werewolf of Bob Dole. Oh yeah, you're gonna vote for me, huh? I'll vote for you. Yeah, I'm Bob Dole. Yeah. I got this pen in my hand because my arm was crushed in the war.

Keep on bringing that up and it's really terrible. Who was with that? Yeah, all those old Tybee Warfettes. Yeah, we talked about it. Yeah, I was with the arm. We'll talk about it all day. Torture. Torture, yeah, torture.

I'd like to see Stubbs hold a pen. He fell on old sack of fucking bananas. Yeah, you never know. Got an elevator shaft, something cartoon-y. Yeah, something funny. So the Werewolf of Dole was a reclusive hermit living in the town, outside the town of Dole in France. Bob Dole.

All right, enough with the Bob Dole. God. He was recently married when he committed this so-called, you know, supposedly committed these crimes, moved his new wife out to an isolated home. Well, he's a hermit. She knew what she was getting into. She married the goddamn town hermit.

Yeah, yeah. If you marry the town hermit. You go away from town. Yeah, but I can change him. Oh, my goodness. So of course, he was unaccustomed to feeding more than just himself, so he couldn't provide for his wife. He was a hermit.

Well, my god, he's jammed for one, oats for one, beans for one. My god. Because you're sitting in silence all day just like, we don't talk about anything. Not accustomed to talking to more than one. I only got a conversation for one, and that's mostly me saying, ask myself, hey, hermit, the dole, you need to use the bathroom?

No, then don't. So during this period, many children went missing or were found dead. So of course, the authorities issued an edict that encouraged and allowed people to apprehend and kill the werewolf responsible. Find anyone you think is a werewolf and kill it. What about that strange hermit that nobody likes?

Kill the hermit. All right. Of course, one evening, a group of workers were traveling from a neighboring town. They came upon what they thought in the dim light to be a wolf, but what some of them recognized as the hermit with the body of a dead child. You can't arrest a hermit at all.

All right, I'm doing this for the good of my house, my household. He was just trying to feed his wife. Well, that's what his defense was. He said that he was in the forest hunting one night, trying to find food for himself and his wife. Yeah, the kid wasn't wearing an orange vest. Had to know that. When it's hunting season, you've got to be fully, fully visible.

A specter appeared to him offering to ease his troubles and gave him an ointment that would allow him to change into the form of a wolf, making it easier to hunt. I can give you a special ointment. He's like, oh, yeah, give me some ointment to the hermit at all. And she's like, oh, here you go.

Oh, wait for it. It's a salty. It's for the ointment. Oh, oh, the ointment I can make. I think I've been sexually abused. So Garnier confessed to stalking and murdering at least four children between the ages of 9 and 17. Where are the parents?

How are these kids just out and around, though? Oh, this was a different time. They had these kids ran wild. They were trying to kill some of them off. They had to lessen the load no matter what. So yeah, they let the kids play an extra bit of the cliff. You let Timmy go play in the woods today? Oh, you didn't?

Well, then how is he going to die, Becky? So his first victim was a 10-year-old girl that he dragged into a vineyard outside of Dole. Strangled her, removed her clothes. Making wine right outside of Dole. I hate the Dole thing. Yeah, stop it. He strangled her, removed her clothes,

and ate the flesh from her thighs and arms. And we had finished. He removed some of the flesh and took it home to his wife. See, there we go. Did you want the meat, honey? It's trickle down. Yeah, trickle down meat, honey. Here you go.

He killed or he attacked another girl and bit and clawed her. Interrupted by passers by. He fled. The girl eventually died from her injuries a few days later. He's just doing this on the trail that people walk on a daily basis? He's a werewolf. He doesn't have self-control.

No, he's not a werewolf. He thinks that it ghost shizzed on his face and made him a werewolf. So now he's invisible while he's eating the girls? Yeah. I see. His next victim, he killed a 10-year-old boy, cannibalizing him, ate his thighs, his belly, tore off a leg, saved it for later.

I get hungry sometimes, just listening to details. I do think that, I mean, those would be the two parts that you eat, the thighs and the belly, I mean. And it just makes me feel weird to be thinking, you know, like, eat the boy. Eat the boy. Like, if there's a village problem, you know, like, you know, it's like, who do we eat?

It's like, let's eat the boy. Did you just throw your voice? Is that? Somebody bring me the boy. Henry, do you want the boy? Someone bring Henry that delicious boy. So finally, he strangled it. Well, as he was strangling another boy,

after he strangled it, of course, that's when the pastors by came, he had to abandon the prey before he could start eating it. On January 18th. Wait a second, that hermit of Dole has eaten that boy we've been saving. Crazy. He's a food thief.

On January 18th, 1573, he was found guilty of crimes of lycanthropy and witchcraft, who was burned at the stake. But not that bad. He burned in the stake compared to what happened to Stoob's. That's a courtesy. Again, this is another, like, if you're a werewolf and you're in a place where you're,

that werewolves get a particularly harsh fucking punishment, get out of town. Go to where they'll just at least burn you. Burn at the stake. I mean, really, if you could burn to the stake, you pass out pretty quick. The smoke comes up, and then you're just kind of there to cook for a little while.

Is that true? Yeah, definitely. It's one of the easier ways to go. I cannot imagine it's one of the easier ways. Unless they do it the way that they did it during the witch trials with real slow burn, put some coals down there, which was a brutal way. Yeah, you start swallowing fire, and then your lungs just go.

You die very quickly. Unless they want to make it a slow process. It's like a roast. It's like cooking anything. Interesting, I can't wait to die. Then more than 50 witnesses came and testified against him, and he was sometimes in human shape. They were just bored.

They had nothing to do that day. 50 witnesses, that's a lot of witnesses. That's a lot of witnesses. 50 people was like an entire town back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They all just wanted to be cool. The word in French in that time for werewolf, loop guru.

Loop guru, sounds like the first baseball player that did a homerun. That's loop guru. Good old fashioned loop guru. He won't be able to see it anywhere about that new fangold hula hoop. Oh, yeah. The next one is the werewolf of Pavia in 1541.

As a wolf, he fell upon many men in the open country and tore him to pieces. After much trouble, the maniac was caught, and then sure discaptors. Anybody who's labeled a maniac is hard to get. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Always. He assured his captors the only difference

which existed between himself and a natural wolf was that in a true werewolf, the hair grew outward. Whilst in him, it grew inward. Very interesting. A statement by a true maniac. I mean, this is sort of a, it reminds me, I was just watching something about a transgendered fighter, though, and she sort of described her sexuality

in a similar way. I mean, she was a man, and now she's a woman. She was half wolf. No. Are we saying that old trans people are half wolf? But maybe this guy felt like he was a wolf more than a person. Well, in order to test this theory, the magistrates cut off all his arms and legs.

Was it full of hair? He was not full of hair. OK. And he wasn't post-op yet. I can't imagine. You've got to have the implanted hair first. But I feel like in the middle of him sewing off his arms, he's like, it's a metaphor.

It's a damn metaphor. Of course, the last werewolf, the last man wolf that we have is the werewolf of Chalons, who, his crimes were so heinous, his name is lost to history. Whoa. He was burnt to death for his crimes. He was otherwise known as the demon tailor. Yes, the demon tailor of Chalons.

I've made your suit, but it's far too small. Yeah, damn demon tailor. He decoyed children of both sexes into a shop, abused them, sliced their throats open, and then powdered and dressed their bodies and then jointing them up like a butcher cut to meat. Interesting. Right, right, right.

But it all powdered up and kind of fun there, looking like a little judge. It's fun, yeah, making a little, making them be all dressed up like a fun doll. Now do some Shakespeare, children. Why aren't you speaking, children? Why aren't you speaking? Oh, I killed them.

Ah, I should give them the play and have them read it first. Men kill them. All right, back to the drawing board. The werewolf of Chalons. At night, he would roam the woods and leaped out on stray passers-by and turned their throat to shreds. I'm a werewolf.

I know, it's the same tactic all these people. It's a lot of sneaking around and leaping out of bushes. The barrels of bleached bones were found, concealed in his cellars, as well as many other foul and hideous things. You could say the same thing about the fucking Parkes' horse ranch. We're cattle ranchers.

The Marcus Parkes' cattle ranch. I'm sorry. Yeah. Thank you. We have horses as well. And he said that he died unrepentant and blasphemy. Fuck you, God! Fuck you, God!

That's the only way to go, though. And that's how two-pack went out. Yeah, unrepentant and blasphemy. Fuck you, cop, or something like that. So let's round out everything with some actual wolf attacks. These are fucking scary, because these actually have, like, this is nature coming in and fucking up, man. As bad as it can.

This was a scary time period. Yeah. You know what I mean? You actively believed in true malevolent forces existing on planet Earth. Fun times. And a lot of it was covering up, you know, which is probably psychopathic behavior.

And then also just straight up fucking packs of wolves. Yeah, real wolves existed. In 1450, a pack of four, or a pack of man-eating wolves killed 40 people in Paris. Four killed 40, huh? I mean, it doesn't say exactly how many. Yeah, a pack. But yeah, a pack of man-eating wolves killed 40 people in Paris.

They entered the city during the winter. I sure wish we didn't kill the werewolf now, because I think you probably could have killed the actual wolves. God damn it. A wolf named Cortaud was the leader of the pack. They said it was reddish in color. And eventually, the wolves were killed when Parisians, furious at the deaths, lowered Cortaud and his pack

into the heart of the city. There, they stoned and speared the wolves to death right in front of Notre Dame. Oh, that's a great. I love it right after church. Have a good wolf murdering. Get out there, guys. Who's like leader of the pack, like in the Greece times?

Who's like, brum, brum, the leader of the pack. And it's him just fucking greasing his hair back and finger banging some girl in a pink sweater. Yeah, why not? Yeah. Next up was the Greasevald werewolves. In 1640, the German city of Greasevald became overrun with wolves.

The population of the beasts grew so large that any human who ventured out after dark was in danger of being killed by them. So finally, a group of students decided that they had enough. They gathered all the silver, goblets, plates, buttons, anything else they could find, melted them down for bullets, struck out in the night, and when it was all over,

they had killed all of the wolves. But they had no cups to drink anything out of. Just so many dead dogs. Yeah. They were just a little poisoned. They just killed these dogs. How long ago was it? I mean, like, because now dogs are precious.

Love the dogs. You know, we have a whole Westminster dog show. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because the Westminster dog show probably started with getting a bunch of different dogs together, just burning them in the head, and fucking stabbing them with swords.

Although I watched a documentary on the Westminster dog show, they are harming the dogs with all the inbreeding. But we'll talk about that on our new podcast, Dog Parade. Have you seen? Which will be very exciting. Have you seen that new dog called Pig that's got its head morphed into its shoulders? It's crazy what they're doing with these animals.

It's kind of fun. It's fun, but it's also, like, disgusting. And it's really, you know, we're playing God. They're making, like, Mario Brothers enemies. They really are. Yeah. Give it a rocket launcher on its shoulder. So finally, we're going to end with what

might be my favorite, the werewolf of Ansbach. In 1685, the Bavarian town of Ansbach was terrorized by a large wolf. The rumors were that the wolf was actually a werewolf whose identity was that of the town's dead mayor. You never let me legalize gambling. You had a big deal with the casino people. They should have let them in.

And when the wolf was finally killed, the people of Ansbach dressed the wolf's carcass to resemble their mayor. It was then put on display in the town square and later moved to a museum. You know, guys, I'm new to town here. What do you guys like to do for your free time? We kill wolves.

We dress them up like our politician. I'm just going to keep on moving along. Can you imagine how nervous that must make the new mayor? Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Hey, uh, hey, everybody, I just want to start with this press conference. First of all, saying, um, not a werewolf.

Not a werewolf. It's like that old Donald chick. And he'd be like, I am not a witch. I am a vampire. No, no, no, no, no. Not a special. I mean, I'm a Democrat. Kill him.

Kill him. Well, that's it for werewolves. Are I werewolves? Is that right? I love this storyline. I love this great topic. Oh, yeah. So much death in the werewolf history.

So be kind, be kind to your dogs. Yeah, be kind to the Greek people that you know that you may actually accidentally think are werewolves. That's just nasal hair. Yes, that's just thick coarse Mediterranean body hair that does make wolves. Notice we want to put out.

So there's been another school shooting yesterday. There was three this week. Yeah, big week. Want to put out another sort of mental health advisory. If you are ever having thoughts about shooting somebody, contact someone. Contact a teacher or a police officer. Don't contact us.

Because we cannot help you. But contact a medical professional to talk about it. And don't kill people because Slender Man. Because he's not real. Slender Man is not fucking real. That's the thing we talked about it on Top Hat. The kids are being charged as adults because they're 12 years old.

Well, I mean, the fact that they believe in Slender Man proves they're not adults. No adult kills because of Slender Man. Who cares? This stuff is real. But their combination of their, they're also idiots. So they need to be put into some place. Yeah.

Yes, I know. But Slender Man isn't real. Don't kill for him. He's not going to do anything for you. Because it's not real. He's not real. Laugh at the killers because they tend to be very douchey. They're very douchey.

Pieces of shit. And it's ineffective. It will lead to all these lame hashtags, too. This is a stuff to hold. Oh, yeah. And the other one is also want to put out Hail Discordia and the power of chaos to our listeners over at the land of Discordia.

Yeah, yes. Hail Discordia. Hail Discordia. Discordia. Is that a country? You don't understand. What do I mean? I'll fill you in later when we have our sleepover.

Well, all right, I can't wait to hear about it tonight. And then I believe Zorba. She's our listener in Australia. I think she's having a birthday or something, so happy birthday. Happy birthday, Zorba. Happy birthday, Zorba. All right, everybody.

And we'll be doing a live show, whatever. We'll do that later. All right, everyone. Hail, Satan. Hail me. Alguin. Hail yourselves. Me, coste, costelechos.

Me, costelechos. Don't be a werewolf. Oh, yeah, definitely not.