Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 136: Ted Kaczynski Part 2: Eat Your Cake and Have It Too

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

The Unabomber saga comes to a close with three fatalities, 16 serious injuries, and a whole lotta sour milk.

But I also literally got the news right before I was walking into a big network read for A to Z. So I was literally walking down the hallway to go be a chuckle fuck for the big brass at NBC and someone's just like, hey, Robin Williams committed suicide or like, fuck. I was the first one to message all the friends. Yeah. Yeah. He broke it.

Thank you. Thank you for that. No problem. Thank you so much. And it was from the Jason Voorhees Twitter account. That's not where I found out about it, but I did see the Jason Voorhees mentioned it and I thought that was maybe Jason wouldn't could have let that one go, you know, but it was kind of sweet.

There was. I loved him in Aladdin. It also was asked on Twitter if I could include more choking and sucking on the podcast. I think it's for masturbation. I don't have, you know, you're naughty and you shouldn't be masturbating to this. Ew. That's gross. I'm a surlady.

And no, people like it all day long. People like to masturbate to you. You're on that website, Bear Huggers or Bear Lovers or Chubba Ramah Chubba Ramah Chubba Ramah. Ladies and gentlemen, go to ChubbaRama.com and leave the finest reviews for your one and only Hong Kong, Henry Zabrowski, let everyone know you like the way he looks. Everybody can jerk off to me. Usually I have a lot of people jacking off to my voice, but I feel like people are actually

jacking off to your body, Henry. Yeah. Isn't that strange? What do you mean strange? I think it's different and unique. I think if you find me sexually attractive, you're probably a cool person. Yeah. Yeah.

Sure. They're into cake farts and stuff like that. Who is it? Yeah, exactly. I think I'm going to get into it, by the way. Anyway, welcome to the show. That's Marcus Parks. I'm Ben Kissel.

Of course, we're joined from beautiful Los Angeles. Hi, my name's Ted Kaczynski. By Ted Kaczynski himself, I had no idea you were on the line. From the Super Max prison in Colorado. Yes, it's good to be here and I got to say, I went to the commissary and I said, do you have the trident that I ordered? And they said no. And I will have my revenge.

I agree with you, Ted. You got to have a nice smelling breath when you're in prison. So when you're violently accosted in the showers, everyone also has a good time. It seems my natural spoiled milk smell seeks to keep the men from me. Really? So you've actually, this is kind of interesting, like a skunk or other animals that exude toxins and smells that are so unlikable that someone won't even kill them. But Ben, doesn't a skunk also deserve some love?

I agree. From other skunks. A skunk deserves a wife, a skunk wife. Well, I guess you'll just have to go through with this stinky old pillow of mine. I've been rubbing my dookies on so it can smell like me. So you've been rubbing your dookies on your prison pillow. Yeah. Well, Ted, you're a brilliant mind and I'm sure all the mathematical equations that you've

written in dookie on the walls completely make sense and you're like Good Will Hunting, speaking of Mr. Robin Williams. Yeah, yeah. What's the fellow that Matt Damon played? Whatever his name is. Yeah, I guess. I have to definitely say that's the first time I've heard that comparison. All right, let's continue on.

Ted Kaczynski. Man, I spent a while reading his manifesto this morning. Yeah. What a fucking crybaby nerd. They always are. He's like a BTK type. He's got a couple of good points. We're going to get into it.

Okay. I'm fine with the philosophy. No. I'm fine with the philosophy. The philosophy's good. He's got quite a bit. Except for that. He gets a little racist.

Well, up top. I mean, Anders Breivik did copy and paste very large sections of the Unabomber Manifesto after he killed those 77 kids, except he replaced the term leftist with multiculturalists and also cultural Marxists. And as we discussed before, Andrew Breivik, he now is in an Oslo prison and he has paid friends because they don't want him to get sad. I'm sure Mr. Kaczynski. Ted, as a matter of fact, do you have any paid friends in prison?

Is anybody hanging out with you at all? Let's just say I'm difficult to be around. What I've done is I'm getting really good at toilet wine. You're making your own fine vintage, huh? If people want to come by old Kaczynski's place, I got a whole bunch of Merlot that's been stewing around in my butt sink. No one will come. That is now called a butt sink from here on out.

No one will come and hang out with me. So Kaczynski just got nicknamed the Unabomber, the Universities and Airlines Bomber. Yes. Where was the first University Bomber? The first one was at Santa Barbara, I believe, and then American Airlines. Santa Barbara's beautiful this time of year, too. It's so nice up there. Henry, you can just hop in a car and head on up there.

I could, couldn't I? Or Charlie? Or a bus. I think we should just- I think we should just- California's beautiful. Stay right where you are so you have an alibi for this evening. I think you're getting- you're dangerous when you're isolated and lonely in Los Angeles. Yes. Yeah, I'm looking at a video of you right now and I can see the sun shining in through

the window and even the sun is depressing in Los Angeles. You know why? Because it doesn't fucking stop. It works too well. It's like God is always looking for your secrets. Sun gets in your crevices. Well, what happens in the dark of New York will be shown in the lights of L.A. I will have my revenge!

Yes, you will. All right, let's get- Unabomber! Unabomber. So, when we left off Ted Kaczynski, he had just made the headlines for the very first time by bombing American Airlines Flight 444. Was not done with the airline industry just yet. One thing that we'll start seeing now that he's starting to, like, I guess, get into his groove, they're going to be very long stretches in between attacks with Ted Kaczynski.

There's going to be stretches- Well, because apparently he was taking a lot of downtime to work on his ribbon dancing for the Olympics. I heard that. Unabomber. When he was working on his ribbon dancing technique, again, he went to the qualifying rounds to one of the specific breaks and he didn't get it because he smelled like dog shit and he said that that would ruin the Olympic Village.

And again, another reason Ted Kaczynski was looking for revenge. Is it true that he shoved the ribbon up his own butthole and tried to lit it on fire and lit it on fire and then he called himself the first human bomb? Yes, he also went by this big stinky yo-yo. Well, he was not done with the airlines two years later after American Airlines 444 in June of 1980, he sent a letter and a book to the president of United Airlines, Mr. Percy Wood. And the note that he sent along with it, he said, Dear Mr. Wood, I am sending copies

of Ice Brothers by Sloan Wilson to a number of- It sounds like a Wayne Brothers snow comedy. To a number of prominent people in the Chicago area because I believe this book should be read by all who make important decisions affecting the public welfare. So he's just an uncle. He's just a bad uncle, but he has no nephews or nieces to spread on his cool books that he thinks will educate them. He's a smelly Oprah.

A smelly Oprah? Yeah. Yeah, I could see that. So what actually was inside the book was a ingenious little bomb. When you opened up the book, the book exploded, tiny metal and wooden fragments exploded in this guy's face. He had a damage to his hands, his face, in his thigh, there was a huge chunk of metal lodged right in there.

This reminds me of those talking cards that Hallmark sells now. When you open it, it's like over the hill and it's like a big fat chicken on a beach and then it just, you open it up and it's just like, happy birthday, you old bitch, you old bastard, your balls are all wrinkly and strange. Happy birthday. Yeah. It's my birthday. Who is holding you with these cards?

So he was just experimenting with that, but his birthday gift was a bomb. A big bomb. You know, but technically a lot of these bombs that Ted Guzinski set out just kind of sound like Looney Tunes pranks. Oh yeah, there's going to be a lot of Looney Tunes pranks coming up here pretty soon. He was definitely a prankster. This is the point when a postal inspector, Tony Mooljot, that name, so I think I want to go into medicine.

What's your last name? Moolgot. Oh, no, no, no. You're going to be more post, I think more postal. You're a mailman. That's a mailman's name. And interesting fact about Tony Mooljot, there was a biopic made of him for the USA Network in 1996 in which Mooljot was portrayed by Dean Stockwell.

Really? I love Dean Stockwell. Yes, of Blue Velvet, Quantum Leap, Battlestar Galactica, handsome guy, cool actor. No doubt in my mind, now knowing that piece of information, 1995 USA Network, the only reason that network stayed on air is because of Lorenzo Lamas. That show was the only show that mattered. Silk Stockings. Renegade.

He was tortured into being handsome. We know this story. So Tony Mooljot, he was the one that started putting a lot of the wood clues together. He noticed that in all of these bombings, there was always wood involved. There was wood pieces. There was a wooden box. In this bombing, the letter was addressed to Mr. Wood, the publisher of the book was Arbor House, whose logo was also a leaf.

The phony return address was Ravenswood Street. Cool. And he did have a sense of humor. Yes. I mean, it does sound like all locations from a Fear Street novel, Ravenswood Street. Ravenswood Street with a babysitter is a terrified. So this is also when he starts putting his own little signature on all the bombs. They found two initials punched onto the bomb, FC.

And they found out later that FC stood for Freedom Club. It is kind of fun. But in order for it to be a club, there has to be more than one person in it. This is how sad and lonely Ted Konzinski was. Even the manifesto was from the point of view of a group. He had to make up his own. He wasn't. He said he wanted to be a hermit, but no, he wanted friends.

He wanted to be, he wanted to have like a Winnie the Pooh type scenario with a bunch of friends. Right. And he was piglet and he had a funny bouncy tiger friend and a soft bear friend and a little boy friend and he couldn't get it together. And speaking of the wood used in this, this whole process, like once, once he figured out like the wood being used where they started like kind of like pinging out like, well, one thing that we now know about him is that he is a woodworker.

So he obviously has got some kind of woodworking skill and apparently a lot of it was honed because he had a pen pal in Mexico. Did you read about this? No. Where he had a friend in Mexico that he would write in Mexico to this farmer that he somehow knew. That he was just like, you know, in perfect Spanish was just like, and one day we will overtop our governments and the mountains will be free and the cactus will be free.

And you know, and the Mexican guy's like, well, he's sending me letter. Why is he sending me letter? But so what Ted Kazinsky got known for is these wooden cylinders that all the bombs were put inside of, right? Because he also made one for his own fucking mother, which is a bad present for your mother. I mean, it's nice to get her something though. It is, you know, yeah, he sever ties quickly after, but he sent him a wood tube that just said, Montaneri, Montaneri, Sempre, Libere, which meant mountain men are always free.

That's kind of fun. It's a fun message. You stupid. Oh yeah. Mountain men are always free. I agree with him. So 1980 comes around after this, the president of, and that's what's amazing. He got to the president of United Airlines.

That's how far this guy could reach. I mean, this is obviously before any major terrorist activity has occurred on a plane, right? This is even before like Lockerby and all that stuff. I feel like everyone's just kind of taking it easy, living that Hawaiian life, running airlines and stuff. America was really easy in the 1970s. Yeah.

You should know what, nothing was going on. It wasn't like there were roving gangs and gas shortages, Jimmy Carter being a fucking flopper. Yeah, but even despite all that, everyone, the airlines were just like, everything's just fine here. There is a hunky dory. I remember when you could be able to like walk your grandmother onto the plane and then walk into the cockpit and shake the pilot's hands and then sometimes they'll let you fly.

I remember when I was a kid, you just go into the cockpit and then the pilot, he kind of smelled like booze. He was like, hey, pop up, pop up on my lap and that popped up on his lap. And then what he did, he put his arms around my lower waist like it was a seatbelt and he's like, you take the control. You take the damn control. You were molested. I flew the plane for 45 minutes.

Really? And I was like, this is, you just can't do it anymore in this post-911 world. You know? Well, yeah, I mean, did you fit in the cockpit comfortably or did you find it to be a tight squeeze or? You had like a smoking chair and there was a gate and they had been playing Monopoly for hours and there was just some sleep woman in a lawn chair in there. Interesting.

Very different times back then. Yeah. Yeah. And you just kind of screwed a wheel to the wall in your bedroom and you just kind of turned that a little. And I walked in on one of my father's stag parties for the police station. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's fun though. So 1980, the FBI's Behavioral Sciences Unit comes on board. This is still, the Behavioral Sciences Unit was still fairly new at this time, but these people were extremely good at what they did. There are a ton of great books. There's Man Hunter, There's Between Good and Evil, Read Up on the Behavioral Sciences Unit.

And they put forth a profile on this guy, and this is very early on. They've only got a few bombings so far, but their initial profile fucking nails Kaczynski. They got it, huh? They said he was an above average, he had above average intelligence, he had connections to academia, that he was kind of a Neoludite where he just hated technology, and they had this guy absolutely nailed, but three years later. You know, I was watching this doc and one of the FBI analysts literally was just like, and one of the students we saw the first bomb, the first bomb, we knew, like, we had a nerd

in our hands. It was just kind of a nerd. It was just like amazing. I was like, yeah. Sounds like an okay Cupid situation. They just described the man that they loved, and they found him. Yeah, but they were describing Paul Bunyan, but what they got was a teddy fucking Kaczynski. Well, yeah, I mean, everyone wants their nerd to still look like a jock.

Yeah. That's most important. Yeah, yeah, at the end of the day. So this goes on for a couple of years, and the BSU, they have their profile. This is what they're working with. This is who they're looking for, but other factions in the FBI decided that this was a dead end. This wasn't the guy they were looking for.

They were looking instead for a blue collar airplane mechanic. Oh, yeah. And what was the motive, what was the reason for that? So they were thinking workplace violence? They were thinking that, yeah, that he hated airlines, but he also hated universities for some reason. Right. I'll tell you one thing.

He was afraid of planes, and he couldn't read. So this is also when they put forth in 1983, they set up a 1-800 hotline for the Unabomb Task Force, and they also put out a $1 million reward for anybody who happens to have any information leading to the arrest of the Unabomber. I like the idea of somebody calling up the 1-800 hotline, but they forgot to hit the 9 instead of the 8. They were looking for a porno thing, and it was like, yeah, yeah, oh yeah, what am I wearing? Yeah, hood, yeah, love that hoodie.

Yeah, aviator glasses, yeah. Oh, yeah, mm, yeah, you got a beard, you smell that, mm, yeah, keep on going. Or are you jacking off right now, sir? This is also a really good new way for jocks to, like, get at nerds is to call them up to the Unabomber hotline and have the police come and pick them up in the middle of school. They'll probably pee their pants and everybody will laugh. Yeah, and then they'll smell like human feces, and everyone will know it's them. So the next bomb is mailed.

He gets back to professors. He mails it to Pat Professor Patrick Fisher at Vanderbilt, and this is just extraordinary bad luck that this bomb went off at this certain place, because the teacher that was supposed to go to the professor he was supposed to go to, he was in Puerto Rico at the time. The teacher was in Puerto Rico. So his secretary was in charge of opening all the mail, and... Yeah, a woman doing all the work again. So the bomb explodes, it injures her face, it injures her arms, but here's what the

bad luck was all about, is that the bomb had been mailed using canceled and insufficient postage. It never should have got there in the first place, but apparently the post guide felt like doing somebody a solid that day, or they just didn't check. And that was literally the last time a mailman has ever done a favor. Yeah, absolutely. I feel bad for mailmen, you know? I don't feel bad for mailmen, they're all part of their own society.

Everyone's part of their own society, Henry. What does that mean? Now, comedians are the loners, there's wolves put out in the world, wandering those. You're in a sketch group with nine people. Yes. So this poor secretary, so this post office guy did a good job, a good thing. Well, a secretary's first job is to possibly die for her boss, in a secretary's half bodyguard. It wasn't even supposed to go to this guy, Kaczynski didn't intend for it to go to this

guy, he intended for the package to be returned to the fake address because of the insufficient postage. That was supposed to go to electrical engineering professor Leroy Wood-Bernson of Brigham Young. Another wood. Another wood. So this... Get a Mormon. Yeah, no doubt about it.

Yeah. So he was trying to get goofy with it, he was just trying to have fun, he was doing a hook shot. Yeah, it sounds like the cream Abdul-Jabbar move here. Yeah. Revolutionary. He was pulling a Harlem Globetrotters. Yeah.

So a couple months later, he goes back to Berkeley and engineering professor Diogenes Angelacos. Now this guy literally had stuffed grape leaves for feet. And he was so Greek. He's... This is when Kaczynski, not all of his bombs were mail bombs, some of them were just planted. Some of them were Yeager bombs. Ooh, that's very popular though, he was 20 years ahead of his time. So some of these he just planted in these universities, which you know, meant he did

travel a fair amount. So Kaczynski dropped this one off himself, he didn't rely on the postal service? No, he didn't do this via... The next couple of them are both ones that he delivered himself. He delivered this one to the mathematics and computer science personnel office. Do you think that's because he was so upset that they blooped on the first, on the last time he tried to get fun with the postal service? I think that's a lot of...

He was like, I'll just do it myself then. Yeah. I think that it's also like there's a certain point because part of the way they break down this type of killer is they talk about like bomber killers, is that they're very detached and they like to like stand behind and watch the chaos happen. Right. And like in his case, he was a missionary killer. So he was doing it for a purpose.

I imagine there's a point where he's like, because we see this all the time, his confidence is ramping up. He's starting to believe that he can control what other people do around him. So I'm certain he wants to now get in the mix a little bit and then drop it off. So maybe like, not that they'll see you, but so he can watch them pick up the box and it'll get him all, get his spinky little boner heart. Well, he's a celebrity. He wants to walk the red carpet.

He's got a big movie premiere coming out, you know, but what's the news media like at this point? Is all over him? Are they covering it? No, the whole, you know, the airlines thing, that was a big deal when it happened before Twitter and yeah, of course. So, you know, it's when a bombing would happen and it came out that it was the Unabomber and they definitely started like Unabomber strikes again.

I said, but you know, it's not 24 hours. I know not a 24 seven news cycle. So it wasn't on par with like Richard Ramirez or there wasn't a son of Sam. No, no, no, there wasn't that chilling effect yet. But the manhunt was constantly building. Yeah. The more that these popped up because then it became the biggest manhunt known to man. So he leaves this strange apparatus in the faculty lounge at Berkeley and the electrical

engineering department and said that it had like a handsaw grip on it and it was a weird oddly shaped metal container. So this professor, he just walks over and picks it up and when he picks up the grip, a pipe bomb inside blew up this guy's face, his hand, his arm were all damaged. Flesh was ripped from his fingers, his tendons were all fucked up. Hungry. Yeah. Yeah.

Pretty appetizing stuff. And it could have been much, much worse because what was actually inside this apparatus was a big tank of gasoline. But the reason why it didn't explode was because he filled the tank to the very top and there wasn't any, there wasn't enough actual air and enough oxygen in the gas tank for it to explode. Right. It's the problem when you, when you are a nerd, a bomb and other nerds, sometimes these

nerds are going to school you in how you're actually very stupid. Yeah. Yeah, that's the thing. This just seems like a very rookie mistake. Everybody knows that about gasoline. Yeah. The guy, the guy himself, the victim himself, Professor Angelacos, he said, the idiot filled the tank to the top.

He didn't leave enough air for the gasoline to explode. It seems a little cocky for a bomb victim, I'm sorry. And this time, he's, this is when he starts putting little false clues in there. He wants to try to trick these guys and he does a damn good job of it for a very long time, tricking all these investigators. What are some of these false clues? He left a note with the bomb that said, it works. I told you it would.

And then he signed the initials RV. Now, what's the RV stand for possibly implicate these other previous Berkeley colleagues and Robert Vaught. Yes, RV. So now he's trying to frame up other people for these crimes. Just throwing a bunch of roadblocks in the way. He just also, it just gets to a point where he's getting like a little riddler with it. Yeah.

I don't think he's doing enough damage. I do think he's wearing a green suit though. Yeah. Just a green screen from the moss grown on his body. Yeah. Washing himself with this pee-pee water. Yeah, exactly. How did the note explode?

How does the note explode in an explosion like this? I'm not sure. I mean, I guess if you attach it to a certain spot, if you look at how the- I feel like if our show becomes bombing technique driven, we're going to get taken off the air. Right? Yeah. Yeah, we can't do that. No, I'm talking about note survival.

I'm just saying we can't go through diagrams, but I imagine it's something like what you do, how an envelope bomb is, you open it up and it goes like, you go like, oh, let off a grimoire, and then you open it up and then you don't have hands anymore. Very scientific. Thank you, Henry. So the next one comes three years later. He waits three years before his next bombing. What are we at now?

We're at six. This is when he's really getting heavy into his ribbon dancing. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's three years. Are we at six bombs now? I don't know. Roughly.

I think so. He's got the ability to just chill out for three years. He's doing nothing. He's holding his skills. He's just tinkering around. Here's what's going on with his bombs, and this is a part of his ingeniousness, but also the reason why this took him so long, and the reason why there were so many failed attempts, because he was working on all of this without any electricity.

No electricity, no running water. He's very meticulous about it. He wants to make sure that they're all built exactly the way he feels they should be built. He's also building them with a message. He wants the note to explode. If he wants the note to be there, so. I think he's just lazy, and he wants to stop working at sundown. No way, buddy.

He's also working on his manifesto. He's got his journals. There were several other bombs that he had in there that he was probably testing bombs. He was catching squirrels, the fuck. He was catching squirrels to have sex with. Yeah. I don't know if that was him. I've talked about him before.

It's the fleshlight of the forest. Yeah, the biggest, thickest, fattest squirrel. You feed it for a bunch of months, right? And then one time, you put a little valium into food, and the squirrel gets all lethargic, and then you go, and I mean, it's one and done. Well, I guess, depending on how, you know, into what the squirrel is. Yeah, it's true, and also depending on whether or not, how big old Teddy Kay's tube is. Yeah, it's probably, I would not be surprised if he just whipped out a huge donker.

I would think he has a gigantic cock. You never know, though. You never know. It's always the weird, skinny white guy who has the bulbous fucking baby arm now. So Air Force Captain and Berkeley grad student John Hauser goes into the computer lab at Berkeley. He sees a three-ring binder out, and, you know, it's not odd for a three-ring binder to be out, but for some reason, he picks it up, he opens it, and the binder explodes.

It's another bomb that he's left. I think that the Unabomber Ted Kaczynski is really making a message here against Snoopin. Is that your three-ring binder? Do you know who's three? Is it yours? Is it your name? He's in cues. That's right.

Oh, yeah, it's just him teaching. Yeah, he's like an Ann Landers. So this guy lost four fingers. He lost partial vision in his left eye. He had medial nerve damage, blood spurting out of his arm as soon as it happened. And here's the sad thing about it, he was going to be an astronaut. Aw. What's going to stop him from being an astronaut?

He has six fingers. It's tough to be in space. You got to screw stuff in, and you tie three pencils to the other side. Those are, like, fingers. Right? Yeah, I mean, that's true. If he's in space, then, you know, maybe he can just kind of, like, glue some things onto him.

I don't know how space works. Sorry, being an astronaut's really scary. He dodged a bullet. Yeah, exactly. He would have died probably in, like, what, Apollo 11 or whatever the one blew up. Yeah. They were all fine. Yeah.

No, not all of them. The Challenger was bad. Challenger, yeah. It was also called the Challenger, so. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, they should have gone with, like, the easy train. That would have been a nicer ride, I think. So this bomb was much more, I mean, it was much more powerful from all the rest of them,

because he started using better materials. He started using ammonium nitrate, started using aluminum powder, the shrapnel. He used tax-led nails, and. I also mentioned, because there was a period of time when they said that he did go in an attempt to make human connections in the town that he was, like, 50 yards from. Yeah. So he'd walk over there, and there was this woman talking, and she's like, oh, Ted used to come in here, and he'd talk about books, and it was all over my head, but I gave him

some rice. Yeah. But it must have been fun. What a barrel of laughter. I would have loved to see him lying this whole time, be like, yeah, I need, I need a, yeah, like, uh, cold-created nails, and then some, I gotta, I run a, I run, I construction. I run construction. I run a bunch of this stuff.

So, uh, yeah, no, yeah, I'm, yeah, I'm Ted, yeah, Ted from the foam rubber plant. Y'all, you remember me. Uh, good. You remember me? Oh, yeah. That's bad, I wish you didn't. Oh, dang. I need a little linsky, and I need all these nails for a nail collection.

Frogs, yeah, I don't know. He also apparently befriended a small boy in the town, which he befriended a small boy. Did the boy change his will to murder? Because if he didn't, he's not a very cute kid. No, the kid was probably like, yeah, get him, Ted, yeah, fuckers, get those fuckers. So now we're about, we're finally getting into the fatalities. Yeah, his first kill, finally, Christ. Well, he's done a lot of damage, and I think we're, we've been lucky so far.

Yeah, so far. So he starts planting bombs in parking lots, uh, and the parking lots of computer stores. First one he plants, uh, in front of the Rintek computer store in Sacramento. It was a block of nails with, or it was a block of wood with nails coming up from it. You know, the type of thing. You know, you run over, it's going to ruin your car tire. Right. Yeah.

So the owner, Hugh Scrutton, he, uh, walked over, and as soon as he picked up the chunk of wood, uh, the entire thing exploded, blew off most of his hand, uh, fragment in his organs, impaled his heart. He died almost instantly. Nerd on nerd violence. It is a shame. That is sad. It is a damn shame.

They should be getting along. They should all be taken care of each other. I agree. So this one had, uh, sharp eggs, chunks of metal, nails, splinters, uh, had three ten inch pipes with a mix of potassium sulfate, potassium fluoride. A bunch of those like, what are those like, you know, uh, like blade saw, like Pogs, Jammers. You know those Jammers? Yeah.

Jammers. I do want to see like a live report of somebody like 50 feet away from him. Just like, yeah, uh, zoom in on this. This is where I got my splinter right here. It's right here. I got it. If you know, if you zoom in, yeah. I mean, they say splinters are one of the worst pains humans can have next to paper

cuts. Am I another victim of the Unabomber? So I can, I'll be here all day if you want to call or interview for interviews. Ask me questions or something, you know. That was my block of wood. He ruined. Yeah. So anybody who's researched the Unabomber case or anybody who was alive at any time

in the mid nineties, then you know about the sketch, the famous sketch of the Unabomber. But I had on the folder that I kept all of my Unabomber clippings on, I took the picture of the sketch and I duct taped it to the front of the folder. Yeah. So you may be asking yourself, why is it so shitty? Yeah. Why was it so wrong? Why was it so cool?

That's what I want to know. It was cool as shit. Yeah. It made him look like a super villain. Yeah. Yeah. He kind of, well, he kind of looks like, like a Mexican lone ranger. Yeah.

Sure. And the reason why it's so bad is because the only witness there ever was to any of the Unabomber's crimes was a secretary outside of Cams, Inc., which was in Salt Lake City. She saw a guy with a hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses put something down on the ground. And she said he was six feet tall, he was about 165, aviator sunglasses, wearing a hoodie. And she was all the way across the parking lot from this guy. Well, she did not get a good look at him. About secretaries is you don't want them to have that long of vision because as soon

as they start seeing freedom, they will go for it. I know. They are your slave. They are your soldier. They are your servant. They are your lover. I think you're going to have a lot of sexual harassment claims when you're the boss of Henry Zabrowski, Inc.

So the vice president of Cams, Gary Wright, drives his truck into the parking lot, sees the piece of wood with the nails sticking out, it's the exact same thing. He kicks it, just going to kick it out of the way, and it blows up with the same force. But Gary Wright survived. This is what he said. He said, at first, I thought I'd been shot. I started to bounce around quite a bit, and I could see my pants were missing from about my knee down my left leg, my shoes had been burned, and there were quite a few holes in

my body. Kick it. That's what you got to do. If you see something, never pick it up. If you have to touch it, give it a kick. You know what I would say? You know what's a good thing to do at a thing that you don't know what it is, and you're not sure if you're unsure if it's a bomb or not?

Throw a banana at it, like 20 yards away, and see what happens. Let the banana take the hit. This guy Wright, 11 years later, during the trial when they were doing victim impact statements, he said, I still remove pieces of shrapnel that continue to rise from below the surface of my skin. That's kind of cool though. This is also another way, and I'm not going to really put this out there because I don't believe that you should murder anybody, but if you're having a hard time breaking up with

somebody and you see a mysterious package, you could also tell them to go kick it. Yeah. Well, you could, but then don't, but if you are that person, never kick something that someone tells you to kick. How secure is your relationship? Not, they broke up, Henry. I'm just saying. Well, then it's not secure, because they're broken up.

Don't want you to kill anybody. I'm just saying, but think about it, your partner dies a horrific bombing tragedy. You get all the points, but I'm just saying, I'm not going to do it. It's not at midnight. It's not, it's not the Comedy Central show, which we should be on, by the way. Yeah. Fans petition us for at midnight. I guess they, they're active on Twitter.

You can reach Chris Hardwick there. Yeah, that's where they get all their material from. But if you, if you tell your boyfriend or ex-girlfriend to go kick something and they don't kick it and they say, you go kick it, then how are you going to get out of, you're not kicking it? Just don't kick it. Run away. Run away.

Get out of town. Let it go. Tell them you forgot your bike. Yeah. Stop. And then you just never go back. And you never see them again. You say goodbye to all your stuff.

So the next victim, this is, this guy is definitely his nerdiest victim. His name is a Dr. David Galertner. Yeah. No. It's not a good name. Galertner. Because you know, they called him like the Galertner and he had like one of those backpacks that were like 75 pounds.

Just sounds like at some point, some unlucky bastard got a Galertner gun for like World War II. And when you shoot it, the barrel just droops and makes a sad sound. Excuse me, excuse me, Mrs. Harris, you forgot to assign homework. Shut up, Galertner. I hope someone blows you up one day, you big old nerd. I don't mean it, Galertner. I just wanted to let you guys know that I have cut my own underwear.

So in an attempt of a Grundy, I will not be feeling it. Thank you. So he got blown up pretty bad. He did do kind of a badass thing. He drug himself down five flights of stairs and made it to the campus medical center. But he has the saddest quote. He said, they're a computer scientist far more distinguished than I, I don't even like computers that much.

He didn't even have the ego to get blown up. No, bro, this is your shot at the big leagues. You got blown up. You know what? It really inspired me to really get into the electric guitar. And so you'll see me on my new cover band, the Galertner boys will be covering the likes of the Wilkes brothers and Travis Whitley, the Duba sensation. He acted like Macklemore after he won the VMA award for best rappers.

Like I am sorry. I am not the best. I'm not a computer scientist far more distinguished than I just want to say thank you. I just want to say thank you to whoever sent the bomb. I never never thought I'd be doing this interview. Number one. No one's ever taught to me before. No one's really given me a bandaid yet.

I'd really appreciate one of those as well. And Kaczynski doubled up on this guy because not only did he blow him up, but he also called up Galertner's brother, who is a geneticist, and just told him, you are next. But he was too busy on a motorcycle with a woman in a halter top smoking a cigarette next to Yosemite Canyon. Yeah. They don't call me Galertner. They call me Mr. G.

Yeah. Maybe you met me. Yeah. My name's G. Yeah. How'd you find out my last name was Galertner? Your last name's Galertner, and she leaves him. Come on. That's how nerdy these people were.

This is where, yeah, Ted thought, I mean, Ted was cool. Yeah. First time in his life. So the next fatality, this is when he's on his run. This is 1994. All these bombings have been... How much time has passed here? Oh, man.

So far, this has been 16 years. We started with 18 years. He started in 1978, and this is in 1994, so he's been going for 16 years now. The average, how long did he take between each bomb? I would say... Some of them months and some were years. Yeah. Right.

I would say on average, because some of them, there was a six-year gap between one, there was a three-year gap between another, and then other times he was doing them, yeah, just like month after month, and you don't really know why. We do kind of know why or how he chose these people. He would go and look through directories at the libraries. He would look through these printed directories, he would order them, and look through all these printed directories of professors all throughout the United States, and even though he didn't necessarily know much about these people, he would just see, you know, Gleertner,

associate professor of computers. From his mind, he's watched, he's like, yeah, I'm going to get all these jocks, yeah. Yeah, yeah. This keeps bombing worse nerds than him. Because in his mind, these were the jocks. Right. These were the jocks. So it's December 10th, 1994, and we're getting real close to him being captured here.

But he sends a mail bomb to Thomas Moser, who, he was unfairly depicted as helping Exxon Valdez clean up their image after the big spill in the early 90s. So Ted zeroed in on that guy. So what, Ted was, he was a member of ELF now? He was like a member of the weather, other ground, he got all liberal all of a sudden. But we said at the same time, the weather underground was like full of a bunch of people writhing around each other, having sex and doing acid and having a great time and killing people.

Yeah. Blowing up. Well, they never actually killed anyone. Well, I mean, the group did. No, Ted had an old watermelon that was his best friend. Right. That's true. In his stupid little cabin next to a fucking highway.

Yeah. Oh, and watermelons. That's a short relationship, you know? Once you drill the hole in it, maybe, maybe 48 hours. Gets all soggy. Sweet, sweet 48 hours though. That's a honeymoon I'd like to take. It's very interesting the way that he chose these people because he does choose, I guess

in this situation, he, he can be like, I'm, I'm, I'm the good guy and I guess technically this is the best, this may, this makes him, this is the worst person that he's sent a bomb to, even though I think I was just doing his job. But it was, no, but it wasn't true. Yeah. He wasn't even, he wasn't involved in it. Right. He just, yeah.

But the media had said something that he was. Some shitty environmental magazine. Right. They said that he was very much involved in helping clean up the image. So basically Kaczynski was just getting environmental magazines delivered to his house and then he was buying a bunch of nails all the time. He wasn't getting anything in his house, he was doing the thing. He went to Barnes & Noble and he sat around and acted like it was a library.

Right, right. Reading all the magazines for free, taking advantage of our technological advancements in society. He's the only person to walk into a Barnes & Noble and the staff members are just like, why don't you use the bathroom? Go to the bathroom. Feel free. So despite the company's name being actually incorrectly spelled, this guy opened it up

anyway and the bomb was so powerful that his head was almost severed from his body and his hands barely connected to his fingers and his intestines were just a mess. But I would also say this is too, this is also a good kind of an interesting serious lesson of like, don't open things that aren't spelled correctly, don't open things that look kind of weird. You're not expecting a package, you're a part of some, the takedown of the technocracy. So don't open it. And judging by Marcus' description, don't open boxes with your teeth.

Good lord, how does his head almost get blown off? He packed it with razor blades, metal, nails, it was a vicious bomb. Razor blades, that seems, so he's stepping it up. And it was also a shame because he had his favorite hat on, not to make fun of the victim. No, no, never. So this is what his wife Susan said, and this is how she described the blast. She said, a thunderous noise resounded throughout the house, a white mist was pouring from the kitchen doorway.

When the mist settled to the floor, a horrifying image emerged, my husband's body, face up on the floor, his stomach slashed open, his face was partially blackened and distorted, blood, horror. And then I mounted him and I felt his rock, hard love, feeling, pressing against my soaking wet ocean-like vulva. He entered me. That was the first time I ever came. Henry?

What's happened? I thought I lost you guys. Romance. I thought we dropped the thing. Romance Henry. No, we're just, you know, sitting in it. Being romantic. Oh, good.

You guys having sex? No. No, no, no. Finger at each other over there. Stop it. Oh my God. Way off subject. But my friend Dave, who designed the graphics, graphics for Gabe Company Radio, he saw a man

get knocked out at a bar in Menominee, Wisconsin, because, by a woman, because he, the woman was leaning over the bar and he stuck two fingers in her butthole. Whoa. She turned around and she's a- What possessed you? No. No. She's a big Wisconsin woman.

She knocks him out and then the whole time she's just screaming, he put fingers in my butthole. He put his fingers in my butthole. So that was the funniest scene. Anyway, off top. So next, his third fatality and his last victim was on April 24th, 1995. This guy, his name was Gilbert Murray. And he was supposed to be part of the timber industry, and of course we know that, you

know, Ted was a big fan of nature, you know, and compared himself to Thoreau, and he decided that this guy needed to die. One staffer, when they got the package, the staffer said, well, this is heavy. Must be a bomb. Again. Every time. Every time. And it was in extreme bad taste because Oklahoma City had happened four days earlier.

He also, after the Oklahoma City bombing happening, Ted Kozinski was so fucking stinky jealous of Timothy McVeigh because he couldn't believe it. As he was like coming out of the, he watched the news and apparently he flipped out and was like, no, I'm the ultimate bomber. I'm the bomber. And it was all, oh, it's like those world's fattest people. You know, there has to be someone who's three, who's like, I'm 893 pounds and someone's 898 pounds and they're like, I'll get there.

That's Ted, yeah, whatever. But now, McVeigh, he got caught very shortly after he was arrested. Two days after. It was almost immediate. The Unabomber's name was tossed around in that situation, right? I'm sure it was. Absolutely. But then they were like, no, he was making, he was whittling his bombs.

Yeah, right. These are handmade bombs. This was like nothing even close to what McVeigh did. Although this one did destroy the entire office in which it was open. Destroyed all the furniture, blew a hole in the wall. By far his most powerful bomb to date. But he's also, I guess, he's starting to get cocky and this is when he decides it's finally time to unveil himself to the world.

And this is when he mails industrial society and its future to the New York Times and the Washington Post. Okay. Which sounds like a Prague rock album. Yeah, yeah, definitely. With Tripp Skippelman on the double bass. Ooh, cool. And industrial society and its future.

I like that. The Manifesto is a tough read. There's certain interesting things in there. It's basically, he's anti-technology in a way that I don't particularly totally glean, but it seems the way he kind of, the summary is that he believes that technology takes away our individuality and that are into, like, once that happens, we'll be a part of a gigantic technocratic dictatorship. Yes.

Henry, I want to ask you this question, because I feel like you'll have a good answer for it. What was more difficult to read? The Kaczynski Manifesto, let's say, who else, let's say Zodiac, maybe some BTK in there, or the letters that Chris Farley wrote to his parents from rehab. Oh my God. That's cruel, man. It was so sad.

Henry and I are both huge Chris Farley fans. The letters Chris Farley wrote to his parents were all like, like, I do well today. Yes. Me hope. Me don't drink. No, no. Like, it was all, he wrote like a child. But Kaczynski was slightly, what made his Manifesto so difficult to read?

Snoozefest. Yeah. Yeah. It's very dry. Not shocking. You put a little bit of violence in there. One mention of a nipple, you have my full undivided attention, or a reptilian drawing, drawings. Sure.

Would have helped. So the number one complaint is that he's boring. I mean, he was a little bit racist, but it was mostly against these things called the leftists, is what he just used when it seemed like it was just, that was just code for the cool group of kids that he couldn't be a part of when he went to school at Berkeley and at Harvard in the 1960s, and it's like, just means people that don't wear bras. It seems like the, but the Exxon-Veldale's guy. That was, that's an interesting choice if he was still against the leftists.

I mean, it wasn't a, I mean, leftists, it's, it's weird how he says leftists, because when he says leftists, he's talking about the over-socialization. That's the word he keeps using over and over again, over-socialization. It's leftists and environmentalism don't have anything in common as far as, as far as he's concerned. Henry, actually the whole, I think this really does what he feels about leftists. All right. How do you read that part that I've got italicized there?

The moral code of our society is so demanding that no one can think, feel, and act in a completely moral way. Some people are so highly socialized that the attempt to think, feel, and act morally imposes a severe burden on them. In order to avoid feelings of guilt, they continually have to deceive themselves about their own motives and find moral explanations for feelings and actions that in reality, you listen. You listen.

They have a non-moral origin. We use the term over-socialized to describe such people, and I want to be with Ashley, and I want to go to the malt shop with the seniors, and they never invited me because the math club all smelled like milk, and there's nothing I can do about smelling like milk. My family's home smelled like milk. Ben! Oh, Jesus. Did I miss something?

I mean, it's all in the delivery because it can either be delivered by a nerd mathematician, you can also deliver it like, the moral code of our society is so demanding that no one can think, feel, or act in a completely moral way. I agree. Some people are so highly socialized that the attempt to think, feel, and act morally imposes a severe burden on them. In order to avoid feelings of guilt, they continually have to deceive themselves about their own motives and find moral explanations for feelings and actions that in reality have a non-moral

origin. We use the term over-socialized to describe such people. Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted. Sir, sir, sir, did you, you wanted twenty on, on pump seven? On pump five! I don't know, man. Give him that gas for free. He's got some cool ideas.

Well, because what he was saying is that basically, what he says is like, socialized means that the government wants to homogenize by making us believe that everyone is equal. He tried out, I'm sure that he went out and tried to play a pickup game of basketball and just no one chose him and then he was like, against it. You don't think I don't have the reach? I have long arms and I have a vertical of at least four inches, oh. Yeah, so socializing meant that, you know, like he just thought that they thought that they were, in order to make everybody equal, which is what the leftist wants, is that what

it does is make sure that nobody's special and that means it ruins the idea of an individualist, which is what he technically believed himself to be and that, that was the problem. I agree with him. There's only one. There's only one Ted Kaczynski, so he wasn't, he wasn't an individualist. Yeah, there was, there was only one Peyton Manning and he is a good man and there was only one Lorne McCall, who also just died. Lorne McCall, who?

Nevermind. Yeah. So there's, you know, there was a ton of debate as to whether they should publish this thing or not, you know, they think, you know, is this giving into a terrorist if we publish this, but eventually they decide that if we publish this thing, then maybe someone will recognize this guy's writing. Because he said that he would kill in 90 days. Yeah.

If they didn't publish it, he would kill in 90 days. Classic. Yeah. And when there was a debate going on as to whether they should publish it, you know who came forward? Fucking Bob Guccioni. Guccioni. Guccioni, the fucking owner of Penthouse Magazine.

He says, I'll fucking publish it. I'll fucking put it out there. I'll fucking put it out there. Solid as bushes, beavers, I got it all Los Angeles. Beavers are found in the woods, so isn't that nice. So Bob Guccioni, he volunteers to publish it, but Kaczynski, which he had. What a weird day in the editing room, in the editor's office, if they did publish it. They'd be like, okay, we're going to do the double dongs with the two chicks on the bikes.

Then we're going to do the spunk shot with Pamela. She's only 18 or 17 and a half. We'll call her. She says she's 18. She said they're kicking me out of the hotel, guys. We got one chick. Shut up. We got a new chick who actually likes to get booted, like literally likes to boot in

her pussy. You and Obama is going to be doing an entire memoir in the middle there. This is going to be four to two pages of the magazine. And yeah, then we'll do one with a chick eating a cherry. And we do piss this month. Next month. Every month. Every month.

Well, Kaczynski, he replied. He said, you know what? I'm very gracious, but it's not a very respectable publication. So if the guy reach out to the Unabomber, you know, I'm not sure on that. Must have been publicly. Yeah. It has to have had to have been a public thing. I don't know how smelly just the letter was, you know, you just get him like, you know,

you're much guccioni or Kaczynski, one guy's full of spunk and lube, the other's got nothing, but nails and wood and gas in his hands. So he said that, you know, penthouse was less respectable. So he said that if it is published in penthouse and only penthouse that he reserved the right to plant one and only one bomb intended to kill after the manuscript was published. Just one. That was his, that was his bargain. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. I can't believe take his entire plan with the manifest or at least his like overarching view of it was that revolution, say this actually now that I think about it. That's how bad penthouse was. He was still, he was going to get to kill one person. This is not a, that's the insane deal. That's a negotiate. That's a weird negotiation.

I'm just being like, okay, you can kill one nerd. All right. And then it's only because we hate nerds here because our sales are worse than playboys. I also like to bring up how many less boobies and beavers are we going to see this week with his manifesto clogging up my penthouse thing. So we're going to have to do is make the type really, really small. And for that, you can also kill one boy because that is half a man. I do feel bad for the poor, poor, poor person, if it wasn't penthouse, it would flip in through

while rock hard. Like, ooh, hardcore erotica. I mean, the fetish that this would lead to, if you just ended up coming a whole bunch of Kaczynski's manifesto, that's not, that's not, oh yeah, I'm going to take down the fucking technocratic industrial society. What do you think? Fuck it. Take that technocracy.

Do you think hustler would have gotten him two kills? So eventually the New York Times and the Washington Post decided to both publish it. They decided to both split publishing costs and they thought, of course, someone's going to recognize it. And someone did, David Kaczynski, Ted's brother recognized it through one strange little phrase because he was reading it and he thought, like, this is, this is familiar. You know, like, I know Ted kind of writes stuff like this. Yeah.

They had been estranged for a while at this point because he cut off the whole family. Even though his mom was paying him, his mom was giving him some money throughout this whole, uh, his whole, uh, this whole time. And he had cut off his brother finally because his brother got married and he was jealous of his brother meeting a woman. Thanks for bringing that up. I forgot. Trust fund.

This is just a trust fund kid. Yeah. Trust fund kid. The most pitiful trust fund kid possible. I hate BTK because of his puns and I don't, I don't like Kaczynski because he's a trust fund kid. At least his poetry was short. And at least he had a job and he was working hard, you know.

So the one thing that tipped, uh, Ted's brother off that this was actually Ted was one weird little reversal of a saying, the saying, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Kaczynski, however, and Kaczynski's mother both said it, you can't eat your cake and have it too. That was it. That was it. Also because his brother had been getting up until the point they had severed their relationship. He would send his brothers these ranting letters about like, you know, the government

and technology. And so basically this is a good lesson if you're going to be a bomber, which I don't recognize. I don't think you should be. No. But you leave your philosophy out of like your emails to your like, your friend, don't flirt with people and don't catch up with people by telling them how you're going to take down the technocracy.

Well, David, before he calls the FBI, he wants to make absolutely sure that it's Ted. Uh, and so he hires a private investigator, the private investigator checks him out, uh, looks through, uh, compares the letters that, uh, David already has to letter the unabomber moment manifesto. And they just said, you know, it's almost certain that this is the same guy, a private investigator. Uh, was the first one to kind of solve the case. Yeah.

To have that same, that, that moment of yes, this is probably the same guy. Uh, and so David, he goes to the FBI and you know, this is two, three years after Waco, you know, this is four years after Ruby Ridge. The FBI and the ATF who were both heavily involved in this case don't have the best reputation at this moment. Right. No. So David decides, he says, you know, listen, we're going to do this, uh, but you cannot

go in there guns a blaze and you have to do this delicately. If you try going in there guns a blaze and he will blow himself and you're, you up with it. Absolutely. Can you mention also like you mentioned the whole shed is probably booby trapped. Oh yeah. He's got a bunch of shit going on. Yeah.

It's going to be better than it's going to be bad. So that's when the stake out begins. Ooh. Now, this is just a, this is a Dan Ackeroi movie, that's what it sounds like. It is. So they started just moving FBI members into town and this is when a guy said, uh, this guy Robert Grace Smith said in a book, uh, a unabomber, a desire to kill. He said, uh, they were, uh, mountain men who were too tidy, postal workers, far off their

roots, Taurus out of season, lumberjacks, and prospectors. I like to see your finest hole that has the fish in my body. Craig here have come all the way from Munkatunka, Idaho, and we are here to do some fishing because if I ain't fishing, I'm driving my truck. Yeah. Well, what's Craig's last name? It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, isn't it, isn't it, Craig? What did you say?

I said, Blackluller. Blackluller. Blackluller. That better be my name. Anyways, let's go. I want to see a deer in the forest. So people in the town immediately knew something was weird. You know, everyone has.

Yeah, the town turned into Twin Peaks. Yeah. They had people with snowmobiles that were brand new. They just, but they didn't really know what was up, but had they, you know, known Ted a little bit better and had they actually liked him. Catching each other and like fishing nets and like all covered at neon gear, like for a hunting and stuff. I want to see a bunch of, yeah, a bunch of cops or FBI, ATF people put in the snowmobiles

in the water. Wow. These are the craziest jet skis I've ever seen. It's kind of drowned. That weird. I do most of my hunting in Key West. They finally get a tip off on how to get Ted out of the apartment because they waited for a days upon days for Ted to come out, but he never did.

And they had sharp shooters on them. They had all sorts of things. He's not coming out. He's got a shit and piss bucket in there. He's got no reason to come out. Yeah. But I mean, he would have to run out of food at some point. He would have to come out at some time.

He would have to come out sometime, but you know how the ATF kids, they're very impatient. What do they have to do? You got your whole life. They are clocked hourly. Yeah. And that's the problem. So they get it. They reach double time at certain point and they can't pay that.

So they get this guy, his name's Butch Gehring, and Butch tells him that, you know, Ted's very worried about the boundaries between his land and the government's land, apparently his land bumped up against some government land. So they sent in a park ranger with a map saying like, Hey, Ted, can you come on out? You know, there's, you know, we want to ask you some questions about your land. Ted, I know, I know how concerned you are. There's a bunny choking on a strawberry out here and you need to come see it as it dies. So he comes outside and they immediately handcuff him.

And they take him while they're searching the cabin. They take him to the local police station and they set this woman with him. Her name's Alice DeLong. She's an FBI agent. She fed him. She held a can of soda up to his mouth and gave him something to drink. And she said that, okay, this is what she said about it. She said, I felt as he droned on about cooking turnips and carrots using limited facilities

as if I were on a bad date. Which is hilarious. Which is like the one woman he went on a date with back in the day, because it says here as he was talking about how to cook turnips and carrots, and it's just him just been like, You wanted to cook a turnip until you hope that it gets white and carrots can be so soft and sweet. And you're eating candy. Wow.

With their carrots. This is the most boring thing to cook and it's certainly the most boring thing to discuss cooking. You gotta wash it in the stream. Can't trust the aluminum in the water. I mean, at that point, if you're actually on a real date with him and you're not working for the government, you just want him to get to the bomb part, just for an exciting time. If you're 34 and single, I'll date anybody.

You know what I'm saying? Well, he knows how to cook. 34 and single, uh, assign me up first, um, on that man. Hack. You know. Well, Mondays. I know it. I'm sorry, I was being Cathy.

Hang in there. You know. That's the only men that are out there, they're either good, they're either married or gay or taken. Yeah. And I'm going to eat mint chocolate ice cream and go to sleep tonight. Isn't that right, girls? Yeah.

That is so funny. That's funny. I love working here at the shit factory. So, uh, Mr. Long, she continued, he smelled like warm dirt, which is code for shit. Yeah. Yeah. Night soils. They called it.

Yeah. Uh, he smelled like warm dirt and was so filthy that even his long eyelashes were caked with soot above the bluest eyes I've ever seen. Oh, oh, he was missing a front tooth. Oh. Why is he in love with him? If we would have ended with above the bluest eyes I've ever seen, then you'd think, because warm dirt, I kind of like the smell of warm dirt.

Dirt smells good. No, no, no. I love the smell of dirt. You're wrong. I grew up with horses, though, and a pig was your father. Yeah. That's the whole thing about it. Who didn't love the smell of dirt?

No one likes it. I like the smell of, I like the smell of women's shampoo and, and their clothes coming out of the dryer. Yeah. I like that, too. And it really makes you feel clean and not disgusting. Yeah, but y'all don't. Baked goods.

Y'all like. Oh, I love baked goods. Y'all don't like how dirt smells. No. I will say I've never smelled it, um, because that would, I don't know where I, or how, I don't know how to do that. Yeah, I also don't lay down in graves in order to relax, Marcus. Right.

Well, dirt can smell very nice. Yeah. It's actually, it's- You're the ones who are wrong. Well, it's, it's, it's death. Dirt is just a bunch of death that's been, anyway. Smells wonderful. It's, it's just old bones and bucks.

Yeah, that's all it is. It's just dirt. It's just stupid dirt. Right. I like the smell of pizza. Oh, pizza's great. I enjoy all of these smells as well. This is sometimes, it's funny, sometimes Marcus reveals himself.

I'll have you know I'm not the only one that thinks it smells good. Uh. Anyways, they confiscated over 700 items from his 10 foot by 12 foot cabin. And they found a ready to mail bomb beneath his bed. Any day he was about to mail out another bomb, they don't know where, uh, but he had one ready to mail out and he was already working on the one after that. I feel like you don't have to put it in your, that's like, you know, shut in the bathroom door when you're the only one home.

Well, it's a very- He was going in there. It's a very small apartment. It's a very small shovel. Oh, so you're talking under bed storage. Under bed storage. Yeah. I see.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In order to organize it as well. Right.

Right. That's an important, yeah. Uh, and it's also at this time they arrest this guy and they start, they start, uh, looking at Ted Kaczynski's history and they, for a brief moment, they thought he might be the Zodiac. Okay. Because a lot of, uh, he was in Berkeley at the same time as the Zodiac killings. Uh, they're both in the cryptology or cryptography because like I said in the last episode, a

lot of his, uh, journals were written in very intense, very complicated code. Uh, however, uh, he did keep the code key handy, uh, so it was very easy to- So he wouldn't forget his own stupid code? What a fucking nerd. That's what this guy says. Like, well, you know those guys you would have like their like locker combination taped to their bag? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, here you go, bullies. This is how you fucking to open up my locker and then shove me in it. Uh, do you want to go into that? Your story that happened to you? I don't. Any further or? No, I used laughter as medicine and I used, and I used togetherness as a blanket.

Good, good. So, uh, so we just kept the code right there. Yeah, just kept the code right there so they were able to easily decipher. I mean, not that he said anything worth a shit. Right. Yeah. But, you know, they still had the code. Took a dump today.

Ah, well, buckets getting full. Saw a bird. The extreme is still cold. Yep. This bomb sure ain't popping. I miss Gilligan's Island. Love Gilligan's Island. Great show.

Oh, so the trial comes and the trial is handled in a very, very strange way. As far as media access goes. What did the code say? Do we know? It was just, it was just, it was just his day. It was his thorough like journal where he talked to whimsically about the forest and shit. Right.

Yeah. The coverage of the trial is very strange. The, all of the main conglomerates, ABC, NBC, AP, all those guys, they all established what was called the Unabombed Trial Media Group. Okay. And they said that they would only give press passes to bona fide journalists. You got to be bona fide. You got to be bona fide.

But he's also, this is again, this is the controlling of the narrative and what was it? They had to pay a fee just to get in. Yeah. They had to pay, well, if that's, if that's not even, if you got into the actual press pool, like to see the whole thing, because that was reserved all for the major media outlets and every day they would do a lottery where two independent news organizations would be allowed into the trial.

But all the rest of the spots were filled by the major media. So people are basically buying tickets to go and watch a nerd kind of show off. So basically this is Comic Con. This is the first Comic Con of all time 1995, the Kaczynski Trial. And also it's like, it's like Prince tickets. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And the other journalists who couldn't get into the room, they were put into a different room where they pumped in audio on the speakers, but you could only get to that room if you paid the $5,000 initiation fee and then took out liability insurance, which cost another $1,500. Was there a cake that was in the shape of a bomb and a celebrity speaker? I mean, I guess Kaczynski was the celebrity. Yeah. Yeah.

You had five grand to sit in a room next to the courtroom and just hear the audio. Just to hear the audio. And you also hear Ted Kaczynski's mother did the same thing as I went, she used to say, and then I saw Ted in the nose and I knew, oh, he has gone into his shutdown place. She got all sad for him and it's just like, lady. So his lawyers think, all right, the only way this guy is getting out of the death penalty, because this is a federal case, and the death penalty definitely applies, they think the only way to do it is to portray him as mentally ill, but Ted, that is the last thing that

he wants. And in fact, he takes also the best thing to prove he's insane. Yeah. Yeah. He was so pissed off. He said, there's no way. The only way I'm going to do a mental health defense is if you give me an 80% shot that it's going to work.

You wanted steak and it's shark tank? He wanted 80%? I mean, how would they possibly even know that? Well, that was his term. Well, then, okay Ted, it's 80%. Okay. Then I'll do it then. Obviously insane.

Yeah. Well, he decides, and his lawyers go through with it, but he fires them and he says, you know what, I want to defend myself. And if you're a juror, you're like, thank God, this is going to be great. And then you're like, oh, this is like a bad first date. I am going to die. Yeah. And he seems to be like, you'd be surprised how many birds you could see in one day.

Up to nine, that's the biggest amount I saw. My shoes are made out of leaves. Mr. Kaczynski, get to the facts of the case. I'm sorry. I just put myself to sleep. Just thinking about it, burn up is a great thing to make a tie out of if you can get a hold of it, if it's in season, it burlaps seasons nine months long. If you make the jury fall asleep, it would be a mistrial.

So that's actually kind of genius. So he decides he wants to defend himself, but the judge says the only way that he's going to even consider it is if Ted goes through a mental health examination. And of course, you know, he hates mental health and psychology in all of its course. Yeah, because he suffered through a variation of MKUltra. Yeah. So he agrees to it, and the doctor on site diagnoses him as a paranoid schizophrenic with extreme violent tendencies.

But he still doesn't want to go- I thought they were going to diagnose me as a carpenter. That's crazy. So they come back and the judge says, you know what? Nah, I'm not going to let you defend yourself. You better go ahead and do a plea bargain. So Ted Kaczynski, he pleaded guilty in exchange for life in prison, not going to the chair. And one impact statement from one of his victims said, during the sentencing, please, your

honor, make this sentence bulletproof, bombproof. Lock him so far down that when he does die, he'll be closer to hell. That's where the devil belongs. I mean, okay, no reason for the narrative here, buddy. It seems like you're editorializing a little bit. That's cool, though. Yeah, so he went to jail and he's- He's still there, right?

Everybody steals his homework, you know, to copy from the jail, the prison school. Oh, yeah. I mean, I bet you that he can still tell that turnips and carrots, cooking recipe to anyone that'll listen. Absolutely. But now it's probably like Frito Lay's and random baloney. And they bring him into war-torn, like gang war-torn parts of the prison in order to make them all fall asleep.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, indeed, yeah, no more riot police needed. Just put him over the loudspeaker. You know, you can cook baloney right over a nice flame. Sometimes a bird will go, sometimes a bird will go, I saw a rabbit on my birthday. I named it Ted. After myself. Shut the fuck up, Ted! Shut the fuck up!

Well, just so you know, these days, Ted Kaczynski, he's in the Supermax Prison in Colorado. And in 2012, he submitted his current information to the Harvard University Alumni Association. He listed his eight life sentences as achievements, his current occupation as prisoner, and his current address as number 04475-046 U.S. Penitentiary, Max, P.O. Box, 8500, Florence, Colorado, 81226. Send him your panties, girls, give him a thrill. I bet you that he gets them, he has no idea what they are. I mean, that's the one. I understand why people find Ted Bundy attractive, or even Richard Ramirez with his or the Spanish

looks. His terrible breath. Yeah, Ted Kaczynski, girls, don't, don't with him. I don't think they're in. He's gonna make your clothes smell. Great, so Kaczynski's in prison, he killed three total, injured how many? 16. 16.

Yes. And, yeah, interesting story. 23 attempted bombings. Ted Kaczynski. And don't forget about on August 31st, the Cave Comedy Radio Sausage Party, which is gonna be a ton of great sausages, bratwurst, and all that type of stuff. All day on Sunday, we're gonna be doing live podcasts, we're gonna have a big live show with all your favorite CCR people, and you can make a whole weekend of it if you want

to, because we've got the last podcast on the left live, the night before on August 30th. Yeah. So. Everybody vote for us on the, for the creakies, for the best podcast? Yeah, go, yeah, go vote, you can go to the Facebook page and find a link to, yeah, vote for us at the Creek Awards for best podcast, and, you know, the Roast Markets Parks for best specialty show, fucking last podcast on the left for best variety show, we're nominated

for a bunch of shit this year. A bunch of stuff. And we got, I've gotten a couple of, you know, random messages with people, everyone has their own thing that they were mildly upset about that we were making fun of, but we make fun of everything, and we love everybody. Yeah. I got like five of them, literally just be like, have you thought about maybe potatoes are tasty, and you shouldn't talk about them in a negative way, but, but of course.

Yeah, we have everyone get, everyone gets their own little piece. Yep. All right, everybody. Well, let's do a Hail Satan. Hail Satan. Hail Satan. And of course. And of course.

I'll gain. Hail yourselves. There's come in the Papa John's dough. Ah, don't ruin this for me. Papa's in the house. He's coming in all the dough. So what Papa means, Papa's in the house. Papa's in the house.

He came in his pants. Well, inhale me, everyone. Yes. All right, buddy. All right, guys. See you soon.