Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 146: Creepypasta IX - Gjoberdik

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

It's Halloween creepypasta time again as we read stories about fake old ladies, hooker hair, and baseball murders, plus a bonus 911 call!

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Seven brides for seven fuckers. Oh man. Is that a good new one? Seven brides for seven fuckers. I like it. Oh my god. Last night. So I've been drinking a lot alone. You know what I mean? I sit in the house and drink quite a bit. It's fun, right? It's great. It's really great. I know. I think it's making me better. Better as a person.

And I smoked about three or four bowls. And I sat in a couch and I watched the first two episodes of American Horror Story, which was let's call it bullshit. But I thought that there were good kills in it. The kills were good. And it's just like, you know, at the same time, you don't need to make a crown that's creepy. I don't want to get into it. But I fucking genuinely was half asleep in a throes of booze and stuff like that. Right? And I was half asleep through like half closed eyes.

I opened up and I swear to God, I thought I saw an old lady in my room. Yeah, are we recording? Oh, I didn't even know. I beat the shit out of an old woman. No, no, no. I see. I thought I saw an old lady turn out to be a magazine that I got for the last airplane I took. It was just like, it had a whole lot of the bookshelf. And I almost struck it. You know? I'll hit a ghost woman. Yeah. You know what? Maybe you shouldn't drink alone.

You're hitting magazines, Henry. You're hitting inanimate objects that are supposed to be red, not hit. Please Henry, do not attack any full torso vapors. Oh my God. Next thing you know, he's kicking books. You should see what he's doing to flyers. Some full torso fucking vapor pulled up in a quote unquote mail van. He put my quote unquote mail in my quote unquote fucking mailbox. And I showed that full torso vapor a thing or two by cracking him in his nut.

Postal service workers have it hard enough. I don't think you have to crack their nuts every time you see them delivering you the much needed packages that have to be delivered to Mr. famous celebrity Henry Zabrowski. So workers don't have families. No. Postal workers are broken veterans that the government is killing through treating like robots. Well, that is not entirely inaccurate.

If we go back to an episode where we discuss the postal workers breakdown and how they murdered everybody. Yeah, that would be spree killers part one. Oh, right. All right. Well, that's Marcus and I'm Ben. Obviously Henry's here because he's punching books. My name is U. S. Postal Worker. Thomas Rafterson. Thomas, what's your favorite bills? I look through your girly magazines and I wonder what you look like in them.

I'll tell you what you look like and I'm you look like fucking garbage. Yeah. What's your favorite part about the job, Thomas? I like looking in windows. I like smelling the cats. The cat out. I put out the cat. I just fucking take a big long smell of that asshole. I just look in the mirror and if I see the lovely young woman who's living in there, I say, oh, yeah, sniffing your pussy, sniffing your pussy, sniffing your pussy.

And I also enjoy being on time with the mail. That's good. I was going to say there's some major cuts happening with the U. S. Postal Service. Do you feel like your activity as a postman has negatively affected the entire industry? Well, mostly I sleep. I wake up after about two hours of sleep because I spend all night punching magazines and drink scotch. Yeah. And then, you know, I get back, I get into work. First thing I do is go to sleep.

And then the second thing I do is I wake up, I slide on a pair of women's underpants and I jerk off through them. I get my mail bag and I do about 45 minutes of mail work. And then I go back to the office and I go back to sleep in that whole cycle. So when do you think the cops are going to catch you as a serial killer? When do you think you're going to be caught? I mean, we're all doing it together. You know, I met this man.

He said he was a U. S. Senator, but he had these weird, like, flap things that shot out of the side of him, like a Diplosaur and he shot and fed them all over this one guy. But then when we were hanging out, he seemed pretty cool and he had a pretty big plan for how everything was going to be for the next 30 years. So I'm into that. Very good. Very good. Well, that is spooky and that plays in perfectly for today's episode.

We've got spooky spaghetti, we've got some creepy pasta. Oh, we've got some phantom. Well, what happened? Pelepeñato? We've got some Parmesan Phantasms. We've got some creepy pasta up in this shit. Yeah. And I will say we've been doing these creepy pasta episodes for how long now?

This is our ninth one. Wow. Ninth one. Getting to the bottom of the barrel here. Yeah. People got to keep on writing those creepy pastas, you know? I have a couple of original ones and a couple of other things I think they're going to freak you the fuck out.

And again, this is, we're still celebrating Halloween. Yes. Went to Halloween Horror Nights. Oh, how was they? With Jackie Zabrowski, of course. Yes, I did. Thank you to people who suggested I go there. It fucking ruled. A lot less crazy than I thought it was going to be.

Yeah. And a fucking... Did people think that you were brother and sister or husband and wife? Yeah, that was what was Jackie insisted on buying this tentacle hat because we both were like, we grew up poor. So every time we went to amusement parks, we would like, we always see people with all the light up shit on, like all the cool dumb shit. And we were like, I want that.

And my mom is always like, you're going to put us in the poor house every time. Right. You're like, we're already living in the poor house. Yeah. So this time I was like to Jackie. It was like, we're getting all the fucking light up shit. And so we were covered in light up shit. And Jackie insisted on buying this tentacle hat that looked like a veil.

And so we just looked like an incredibly cold newlywed couple. Was it, is it your ultimate goal to become white trash with money? Because I feel like that was the trashiest thing I've ever heard in my life. We grew up poor. I swore to God when we had our money, we were going to buy light up hats. Yeah, that's exactly what it was. See all them kids had them big old top hats all made of felt and they had them aliens all over. I want to be like the rich kids who had that 499 dumb light up cap.

Dang it. Yeah, we were, we were living it up. We were Zabrowski rich last night. And it was amazing. We know it's very scary. And I hurt my knee pretty significantly. We went to the Dracula unborn house, which was kind of stupid. And the movie looks kind of stupid.

No, that seems like a whole marketing ploy. Why'd you go to the sellout place? Because it was, I'm grew up, I paid the money. We were doing every fucking maze. I don't give a fuck. We're doing every maze. And I was ready to punch out a Dracula as soon as I walked in there. And a fucking, there was a fake farmhouse.

I didn't see the flappy thing. Like because a lot of times the guys would pop out and come out of flappy things. And I was like, it was perfect, perfect for them. I was just staring at the flappy thing. What the fuck is this door? What is, and then fucking gay as Dracula pops out of the thing. Cause there was like nine Dracula's with wigs on and fake swords. And he was like, oh, and it scared me so fucking bad that I ran. I ran and fell over a stalactite and hurt my knee.

Oh my God. Henry, we've got to make that reality show we've been talking about for years where we just go to haunted locations. Yeah, it's too perfect. Shit out of me. Oh man. So now we begin this creepypasta episode. I want you to go and put your known as apron on, right?

But unless she's using the rest, unless she's no, rip it off for fucking fat. That's, I think that this is a sexual assault. But no, I'm just saying, hopefully she's not wearing anything underneath it. So you can see her big old hanging barata bags or swinging mozzarella. Oh, I love them. Yeah. And you fucking take off all your clothes, put on that apron, put on a chef's hat, right? Get a whole bunch of Jamaican basil, if you know what I'm talking about.

I don't. Fucking roll it into a fucking, a cigarette, a joint, roll into a joint. Jamaican basil, Jamaican basil, that's weed, huh? That's weed. I don't know how that's racist, but I don't want you to fucking smoke it to your dome piece right now and prepare to get your nipples hard by how scary these creepypastas are going to be. Yeah. Do you think that's how Ed Larsen from the round table prepares for his job at the subway?

At the cheesesteak shop. Yeah, but that is pretty much a subway. That's a bunch of customers. All right, so who wants to start? I can go first. All right, let's not. You want to start off, Ben, are you sure? I don't know.

I don't care. All right. Well, let's see you go first. You go first. I'll go first. No, I'll go first. My grandmother grew up in the slums. Okay, so what's this called?

This is called seaweed. Seaweed. Yeah, what's wrong with you, Henry? No, keep going. Keep going. Yeah, it's called seaweed. This is all about, it's a story that people find to be very scary and everyone's going to be terrified.

Please. My grandmother grew up in the slums. God, no more. All right, Henry, enough. I have an acting role on Thursday. You could. I do. I'm playing the Toxic Avenger.

Oh, I thought you're not playing the illiterate butler. No, no. Is that how I describe your reading ability? No, that's for whoever made the butler's next movie, the illiterate butler. I will be the star. I can't read, Gerald Vaughn. I better ask Mr. Nixon how to teach you how to read. I've been interrupted.

Very good. Let's just. My grandmother grew up in the slums of prohibition era, Chicago. Her family lived in a small house near the harbor. One of her earliest memories was of a particularly hot summer. Hot. It was hot. Seeking respite from the heat, she and her sister discovered a seldom used section of

the boardwalk near an abandoned warehouse. That's fun. Every night for several weeks, the two girls would make their way down to the docks and sit together on the edge of the pier as the sun went down. My grandmother vividly, for a time fondly, recalled the feel of the seaweed between her toes as she and her sister dangled their feet into the murky water. The water wasn't clean. So that's a sad state.

That's more of an environmental issue. Is that the scary part of the story? If you think about what we're doing to our oceans, that's pretty damn scary. So yeah, maybe people should stop drinking so many Dunkin Donuts. What are you talking about? Dunkin Donuts coffees are what's ruined in America. With the plastic. Anyway, so their feet are dangling there in the murky water due to the pollution we just

discussed. Even until years later that she returned to the pier and found that the warehouse had been completely demolished. Curious she made an inquiry to the Department of Planning and Development. Apparently the warehouse had been owned by the mob who was using it as a base of operations for the local prostitution racket. So that's kind of fun. So that's where your mother used to work, right?

At the Dock of Prostitute Houses, right? At the Prostitute Dock, your fucking fish wife. Are you guys making fun of my mom? Is that what happened? My mother used to work at, are you telling me my mother used to work at the prostitution racket? I'm just saying your mother was very friendly to me and my friends. My mom didn't have sex with you.

Did she have sex? It had only been uncovered when an associate, this is the prostitution racket, it had only been uncovered when an associate began disposing of rival hookers by fitting them with concrete shoes and dumping them into the harbor. So they have like teams, like they were known as like the St. Louis Pussyqueefs. Right. They were called like, you know, the Rumperton like fishnet bottoms. Yeah.

And then like Vinny's Vaginas, they were the tough ones snapping all the time. Okay. So they were dumping these rival hookers all the way with their concrete shoes and dumping them into the harbor. Investigating officers had recovered nearly two dozen bodies from the water of a secluded pier nearby. How had the bodies been discovered? A passing fisherman spotted some of the victims' hair floating near the surface of the water

like seaweed. Their hair, it was her their hair that she was touching with her toes. That the water was dirty because there was seaweed in it. But it was hooker hair. Oh yeah. So that's the whole point. So let's do that. First of all, I'm just going to say, if you think that a seaweed is a hooker's hair, you

are a fucking idiot. You deserve to have the dead body juice all over your feet. You and your fucking dumb grandmother. Well, this is why the story is real. It is real. Prohibition era Chicago, not a lot to do. And you just don't want to realize the hard truth that everyone, you know, that you think a seaweed is actually just a hooker's hair.

Everything you think a seaweed is hooker's hair. That's going to be great at fucking beaches from now on. They're like, ah, I got some hooker hair in my goddamn ankle. You're going with your dirty uncle Arnie to the beach. I don't know why that. I feel like it's more disgusting to touch seaweed. I hated seaweed as a kid. Hooker's hair.

I can deal with hooker's hair. It's just grass. Right. Human grass. Sea grass. Yeah. It keeps on growing. I think postmortem as well.

Yeah. Well, actually that is a myth. It does not keep growing. Rather, the skin recedes. Yes. Yeah, you're fucking idiot. You're going to have a nice pull ahead of hair when you die, Henry. It's funny.

All right. So this story is called The Old Lady. One day at a shopping mall in the afternoon, a woman was coming out of the mall from a shopping spree because she was fucking, had nothing else going on. She's a lady. Yeah. It's fine. People go on shopping sprees all the time, Henry.

I love shopping sprees. She was in a hoppy mode. She was in a hoppy mode. She had gotten to her car and loaded her stuff that she had bought into her trunk. When she was done loading, she shut the door of her trunk and she saw an old lady standing by the passenger side of her car. The old woman said, well, do you be a darling and give me a lift home? I don't have a car.

I was walking all day. The woman said, I'd be happy to. So she unlocked the door for the old woman. Don't do that. Old woman. She started to make her way around the car to the driver's side. She started to feel uncomfortable. So when she got in the car, she looked at our purse and said, turn, I can't find my credit

card. I'm going to go inside and see if anybody found it. The old woman said, I'll wait for you here. The woman left to go look for help and she found a security guard and told him the situation. She went back to the woman's car and the passenger door was wide open. On the seat of the car was a shopping bag that the old woman had been carrying. Inside of the bag was the old woman's dress and a gray haired wig along with a huge butcher's knife, a video camera and a roll of duct tape.

And I mean, like, at the same time, first of all, was it Alan coming as an old woman? Like, how do you know? Or is it like cut to reality and it's just a guy fucking full huge, like Eddie in an old man woman wig, there's going like, hey, yeah, you be darling and give me a little old woman here. I don't have a car. I was walking all day and I kind of like I'm thirsty for blood that go too far there. Thank you're overselling.

Mm hmm. All right. This story. Oh, that was it. That was it. That's the whole thing. That's the whole thing. Oh my good.

I thought there was going to be more. It just sounds like a Newt Gingrich weekend. All right. So somebody died with technically what she went she went on Amazon and bought the senator packet box that comes with a knife and a roll of duct tape and old woman's right and a video camera. I paid an extra $5 for the J Edgar Hoover collection. Yeah.

And that comes with paintings with an extra an extra wide front so you can slip your balls in there. Oh, perfect. All right. This one is called the real Santa. No matter what type of parents you have, they will always tell you about an old man in a red suit with a white beard and a hat that comes down poor unless they're poor. Yeah.

That comes down your chimney and lays presents in your living room every Christmas like eggs. Later on, you then find out it's all a lie. But what you don't know is they weren't lying. They were just giving you a slightly hidden warning so you'd go to sleep. Santa is really just an old man in poverty who abducts kids who aren't sleeping on the 25th of December and takes them to a so-called wonderland and does several disgusting and traumatizing things to you that he'll make sure himself you won't remember a single moment of it.

Now he's talking about like sucking your little dick and like playing with your pulse, right? And stuff like that. Right. Stuff like that. Yeah. Very traumatizing. What if he's like... Or he puts on like a one man show that's just like really boring.

Yeah. This is my question. If an old man's like sucking your dick and you're like a little kid, right? Right. But he's fucking like really good at it. I don't think you can be if you don't like the- it doesn't matter if they're good at it if you don't like them down there. I'm sure a cat's probably fairly good at it.

No, a rough tongue. Yeah, a rough tongue. Yeah, continue. Your parents in bed are actually pleading and begging God to make sure you don't go downstairs as they secretly themselves have experienced what he's capable of doing. Oh, Mr. Living in a two bedroom house, first world, first one percent problem. I can't hear the way he smelled, but I'll say that fake Santa ate me out for like an hour and your old father here won't even go down on me for two minutes.

He loves him. He loves him. Yeah. But he's left an accidentally large part of information of what happened to them in their brain. Oh, he also likes taking away very important things from children's lives so he can still slightly meddle with children's happiness. Wondering how your dog or cat went missing several years ago when you were little?

Here's your answer. So next time you and your kids celebrate Christmas, just think to yourself, what could happen if your kids go downstairs and enter the living room? Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. They're going to realize that you don't have any gifts for them because you're bad parents. Bad parents.

Bad parents. Or somebody named Roger stole your cat and had sex with it. There was a guy named Roger and Steven's point when I was growing up that got arrested multiple times for having sex with cats, which of course kills them because they're relatively small creatures. Sorry. And then he would throw them into Iverson Lake. Even a finger would kill a cat.

Yeah. And this man, I mean, he was mentally slow. How's he doing now? Is he good? Yeah. I actually think he turned out to be Scott Walker, the governor, which is pretty, yeah. He changed his name and really had made something of himself. Good for him.

Yeah. All right. I'll read one called Baby Doll. All right. So this one, Baby Doll. As soon as you received a realistic talk and Baby Doll is a Christmas gift from her father that year, however, so she got a doll, every girl's dream. However, try as she might.

The doll couldn't find the void left behind by the baby that Susie's father had killed and buried in the basement after discovering the 17 year old's unplanned pregnancy. Let's read it again. Holy Lord. That took a turn. Susie received. Don't really understand. It's two.

It's two lines long. Right. It's actually four. It's three and a quarter. It's three. She received a realistic talking Baby Doll as a Christmas gift from her father that year. That year. We know that that happened in that year.

She got a realistic talking doll. Yes. However, try as she might. The doll couldn't feel the void left behind by the baby that Susie's father had killed and buried in the basement after discovering the 17 year old's unplanned pregnancy. Yeah. My main question is why are we still celebrating Christmas? I don't know.

I feel like. If dad, if dad killed the baby, you literally had out a baby and your father came in there and he fucking popped out. It's he did something like how I imagine like what's the best way to kill a baby, right? Play golf with it. Grab a bite's legs. Yeah. Snap it like a wet towel.

Exactly. You go like snap, snap, snap. So it's all it's bones. Shatter. Right. Instantly. Right. Then you're just going to hang out for months.

I guess Christmas to come when we don't know when she was going to give us you talk like a baby doll and be like, let's not talk about August, huh? Yeah. I would have tried to distract her from the memory of me murdering her unplanned pregnancy. Get her a dog. Yeah. A dog is great. Because that'll fill the void.

Yeah. You know what also works for all that? PlayStation four. Oh yeah. That would be great. That'd be great. So yeah. So well, at least Susie got a gift, you know, and that's kind of nice.

A lot of kids out there get nothing for Christmas and she was having sex. She probably had a boyfriend as well. Yeah. She was the father's. What do you got, Henry? This is a story from Reddit No Sleep that is called Never Go Camping Alone, and it was written by Sanyin, S-E-N-Y-I-N. Or it's real.

Yeah. I mean, if it's real, it is like the saddest story ever. It's real. This is a real story. I could tell. He always loved camping. It's been one of those things that I fell in love with as a kid. My dad and I used to go camping all the time when I was young.

It would always tease me about the creatures that would come up to our tents, wolves, bears, or monsters. He'd often scare me with monster, a monster mask he would bring with him, which is fucking, that's really fucked up that he would do that because it sounds like you're getting molested. He'd stand outside the tent and pretend to be a monster just to spook me. It always worked because you're a pussy. I went on camping last week.

It's been six years since my dad died. I said to go on my own to enjoy it, to relax, to try to remember the good times I used to have with dad. I miss those fun times. I met a kind couple who was camped not too far away. They seemed so happy that I was almost jealous. The day went by just fine. It wasn't until night that something went wrong.

I woke up with a jerk. I'm having one. I could hear heavy breathing and footsteps around my tent. My heart raced and I didn't know why. I was disoriented. I didn't know where I was at first, having almost forgotten that I had gone to camping out in front of 656 Metropolitan where Ben Kissell lives. Then I laughed, telling dad to stop, but dad was gone, even gone several years.

That thing outside was not my dad. I felt a strong fear build up inside me as the snaps of twigs echoed in the emptiness of night. I heard no crickets, no wind, nothing, but the thick heavy breathing that circled around my tent. The shadow cast upon my tent. The fire outside still barely burning. It was stretched, disoriented, but long jaws like a wolf could be seen with teeth that

seemed out of place crooked, and the thick slides of drool were caught in the shadow as it dripped. It had to be a wolf or a bear, I couldn't tell. Dad always jokes. Dad always joked. I never thought it would actually happen. A deep snarl came from the beast outside. I was so scared.

I couldn't scream. I reached for my phone to call someone, no signal. The beast outside began to run against my tent and cracked snarls. It breathed deeply. It could smell me. I knew it. I didn't know how I knew, but it was there for me. I was going to, it was going to kill me.

The tent began to get pushed in. The creature outside clawing and pawing at it, and suddenly it launched itself forward, smashing the tent in as it snarled and cracked an eerie howl like a wolf in the night. But wrong. This howl sounded man-made in a way, howl, howl. Could not scream. My tent now halfway caved in as the beast tried to find me, and I knew, and I knew what it would, knew where I was if I screamed.

A heavy paw ripped through the tent. I had to cover my mouth with my hands, tears rolled up in my eyes. I was going to die. I thought it first a bear paw, but its fur was missing. Claws nearly three inches long, each a toe broken, and hanging off as if dead flesh and stitches. So stitches going around the beast ankle, as if a human had helped it. I watched as the paw pulled out, and a wolf-like muzzle shoved its way into the hole trying

to get its head in. This crooked teeth pointed outwards, a second set inside its muzzle like a shark ready to rip apart flesh. Stitches going across furless flesh as it snarled and growled, trying to rip into the tent more than a voice. I felt my heart stop. Come out, play with me, love me. I thought I had imagined it, but it kept talking an inhuman cracked voice like what

you would hear in a distorted recording, but this beast-mouth was moving with every word it spoke so fast it's hard to remember at all, but I remember it keep repeating love me. I demanded that I leave the tent and love it. I'll make you a part of me, we'll never be alone, always together, forever, in my flesh. I heard a scream outside my tent, a woman, I saw the light of a flashlight across over the tent walls that it caved in, an unearthly roar that same human created distorted noise that was so loud, howl, howl, it was so loud right over me, and then it left, it got off

my tent. Love me, I heard it scream in the voice as it ran, I could only assume it was chasing the woman that could hear her screaming, get off, blood-curdling screams of cheer horror as she cried. Morning came, I could not sleep that night, or the man outside my tent calling to see if I was inside, it was a man dressed in uniform, I guess he was the forest ranger that watched over the camping section, I slowly got out with his help, the couple that had been not too far from me, their tent were ripped to shreds, an area marked off by police, the

man told me a murder had happened, I asked a stranger what happened to the man who was with her, he gave me an odd look before asking, what man, she had apparently come alone, I knew that wasn't right, I talked to them, she seemed so happy, he helped me get my stuff to the car, you're packed up to leave and thanked him, as I closed my door, I heard him knocking on my window, I rolled it down, and fear struck into me as he stared at me with black eyes, red inhuman pupils in the center and tipped his hat, the stitches around his wrist, you'll love me next time, you'll never want to leave, I slammed on the gas pedal looking at the side mirrors I drove away, a creepy smile on his face as he just

watched, I've never gone back, I'm so afraid of going camping now, seriously, but I tell this story to anyone else, they just tell me it must have been a bear, and I was just scared, that was not a damn bear, I don't know what it was, but it talked to me, it wants me to love it, I like almost want to love him back, we could be together forever apparently, that's not the story anymore, I think that's you I think, no but that is literally the last two lines of the story, yeah but I do like that, yeah that bear just wanted you to suck his dick, yeah, it sounds like he went to Abe Vagoda's campgrounds, it's just one of the birds, love mate, love mate, good job, wandering the forest, people

have forgot about me, but if you remember me then they'll cast me in another sitcom with Seinfeld, do you remember my years on family food, never go to old haunted hollywood campgrounds ever again, that's scary, this next one's called lightning, I love lightning because that's where energy comes from, that's not where all energy comes from, well I don't know but that's where we got our first light, are you a thief man, no, legitimate, do you just think that the sun is a lamp and that the shaman come out every day and he pulls on the lamp light, if the sun goes out, if the sun's on a lamp, how come every day I wake up at noon and it's on, you know, how come that's the case, it's because you're

late for work, you should have been at work by then, yeah, lightning, we had just moved into a little ranch house in the suburbs, storybook neighborhood, quiet friendly neighbors, picket fences, the whole nine yards, suffice it to say that this was supposed to be a new start for me, a recently single dad and my three-year-old son, what happened to your wife, we don't know, calm down, calm down, I mean that's really the story inside the story, a time to move on from the previous years drama and stress, I viewed the thunderstorm as a metaphor for this fresh start, one last show with theatrics before the dirt and grime of the past would be washed away, my son loved it anyway even with the power out, it was the first big storm

he'd ever seen, flashes of lightning flooded the bare rooms of our house imparting unpacked boxes with long creeping shadows and he jumped and squealed as the thunder boomed, it was well past his bedtime before he'd finally settled down enough to go to sleep, the next morning I found him awake in bed and smiling, I watched the lightning at my window, he proudly announced, a few more mornings later he told me the same thing, you're silly I said, it didn't storm last night, you were only dreaming, oh, he seemed somewhat disheartened, I ruffled his hair and told him not to worry, there should be another storm soon, then it became a pattern, he would tell me how we watched the lightning outside his window at least

twice a week despite there being no storms, recurring dreams of that first memorable thunderstorm I figured, apparently this is also the same story as why Charlie Sheen and Brett Ross he broke up, this is because he kept saying shit like this, yeah, or there's a used car of salesman named Ron Lightning and he was just in there and molesting the boy, oh you kind of gave away the story, oh dude I didn't read that one, I'm sorry, it's easy to hate myself in hindsight, everybody assures me there's nothing I could've done, no way I could've known, but I'm supposed to be the guardian of my child and these are useless words of comfort, I constantly relive that morning, making my coffee pouring milk over

my cereal and picking up the newspaper to read about the pedophile local authorities had just arrested, every morning, that's what I do every morning, it was front page stuff, apparently this guy would select a young target, usually a boy, stake out their house for a while and take flash photos of them through their window while they slept, sometimes he did more, my stomach sank as the connection was made, at least he was asleep, yeah, at the time it was merely something from a child's imagination, in retrospect, it is the scariest thing I've ever heard, about a week before the predator was caught, my son came up to me in his pajamas, guess what he asked, what, no more lightening in

my window, I played along, oh that's nice, it finally died down huh, why were you playing along, no he said, now it's in my closet, lightening in the closet, pedophile in the closet, pedophile in the closet, but it says right here, I get to see the photos, police have collected, yeah, because you're too busy beating off to him, I don't know what you wanted from us, I don't know what story, because you literally were just sitting there going like, stirring your coffee, just going like, huh, pedophile taking pictures, son keeps seeing lighting as he goes to sleep, huh, oh well, I sure hope I can make it to the office on time and there's not a too good of a radio program on the radio that forces

me to sit in my car for 15 minutes, because I'm a fucking psychopath, yeah, bad dad, bad dad for sure, yeah, I can't believe I called that one, very good, keep it in, yeah, I want to get some credit there, nailed it, oh alright, now I have one, it's called smile for me, which is kind of exciting, and I always scream that at ladies on the street, smile for me, smile, which is great, which is really great, women love it, they love it when you do it, especially because I mean like, it's not like you always smell a vanilla vodka and you're ranting and raving and you're seven feet tall, you know what I mean, and grab at him and got your stinky phantasm shirt on, I'm sure that's fine, you know I just learned

his Texas chainsaw and mask shirt right now, vanilla vodka smells great, vanilla, I mean, everyone that's a scent that people, you know, you smell like a drunk baker, exactly, come and have my croissants, alright I'm going to read one called smile for me, alright this one here's the first five words, I have a beautiful smile, so far so good, see the way you say it in a blink, so far so good, alright I have a beautiful smile, oh how I miss it, this morning I woke up and I smile at my bedroom mirror, I am disappointed at what I see, I kiss my husband, when I love my husband, I kissed him and I blew him and I touched his balls a little bit and he said get out of here, get out of here Wendy, can I hear

you huge man, disgusting, you're not my wife, well he calls me Wendy because he respects me as a lady Henry, okay so I send my kids off to school there at some good school, whatever, I entertain guests of friends, I show them all a lovely smile but I look in the mirror and I do not see it, are you ready, here he calls from the parlor as you would, are you ready, you fucking bitch, yes my love, a huge wife are you ready for your oil sandwich, yes my love, I reply as I clasp a string of polished pearls around my neck, oh how big is that string of pearls, oh it's a nice size string because Harry knows me and he loves me, oh fantastic the children are with Mrs. Knox and the dinner reservations are all separate

eight o'clock sharp and I'll be there in time, Harry beams as he enters our bedroom, he crosses over to me and he puts his arms around my waist and tells me how darling I look tonight and I love him for that because I do feel darling, I embrace him warmly, how do you're getting huge, no it's a nice night, it's a good evening, it's a good evening Harry, alright I embrace him warmly but suddenly I feel his arms stiffen, that's not supposed to be what gets hard, the Vivian, Harry stutters, the Vivian, you know he stuttered that, yes dear I answer sweetly, in horror Harry raises a shaking finger, I've seen that before, in horror Harry raises a shaking finger over my shoulder and points at the old full length

mirror against the wall, fuck, fuck, your reflection, it can't be, is it staring at us, the reflection staring at them and me and I'm there, so it's staring at us, I turn to see her, I turn and I see her, gazing intently, she throws herself against the mirror, there is no sound only deafening silence, Harry help me, she mows as the batter, as the batter, and she mows as she batters the surface with her fists, she's getting real mad and she's stuck inside the mirror, I feel my eyes narrow, I feel my eyes narrow at her, Harry looks back and forth between myself and my abhorrently perverse reflection, my limbs be, I do have this feeling every single morning, I do want to say that, my limbs begin to elongate and dear Henry's

blue eyes widen, he shrieks and struggles as I grasp him, my jaw detaches, my face contorts and splits open up my mouth, my teeth look like shining, shined and pierced knives, Vivian's Vivian claws at the mirror, she beats against it as I devour her hapless husband, perhaps now she will learn how to smile for me, so give me a smile would ya, I just felt like this was very appropriate to all of your relationships, oh, they love it, so I spent a lot of time looking through a lot of creepypasta today and if anybody out there is an aspiring creepypasta writer, stop using mirrors, every third, every third story, every third story has a mirror in it, there's a creepy mirror, some weird mirror that something happens and

everybody's got teeth like knives, everybody's got teeth like sharpened steak knives, it is scary because teeth are not supposed to look like knives and everybody has a mirror, teeth like stalactites, teeth like, that's just an earth knife, teeth like drippin jism, teeth like prison shives, that is a knife, I mean it's a shiv, it's a shiv, it's a Vivian, Vivian, now we take a trip to Jobberdick, this is a story called Jobberdick, uh oh, in Jobberdick, a small fisherman's village in the country of Bulgaria on the dawn of January the 1st, oh, I'm sorry, I'm choking on a stone, I eat the rocks for breakfast, no food, no food here, everyone closes their curtains and holds their breath for half a minute, hours

after the craze of midnight celebrations, children look questioning at their worried parents but cannot help to shiver in the embrace of their shaking parents, one can hear the sound of bells being struck exactly 25 times last year, you can see short time span, the nearest church however, is over 30 miles away, 32, you will find no one in the streets in these wait for 30 seconds, and even the birds will stop, they're whistling, hmm, some have come out of their houses roaring boldly in disbelief of this century old tradition, on the first sunset of this year, two people gamble their fate in the very first rays of sunlight, the next dawn, the bells will be struck 27 times, ah, ah, ah, that was it, now I have two more

guests to my phantom party, alright everybody ring a bell, so that was like seven or eight vaguely recognizable accents in that one, I was covering all of Europe, oh I see, I was doing Epcot, ooh, that's very good, I hope you never have to work there, that would be sad, that would be the creepiest pasta of all time, if he had to work there, at some point in his life, yeah, you know it would be really creepy if a guy took a bunch of like, a bunch of flax for like six or seven days, right, like I do, and then sometimes you reach a certain stage of stasis with your poo poo, where it comes out like real hard chunks, like like little tit-a-tots, like poops, and it's what you want, some guy gives you

a bowl of like really brown looking gnocchi, and tells you, hey you want some bulgar wheat gnocchi, it's filled with the brown butter sauce, and you eat it, and it turns out to be his shits, what if it's your own shit, I think that's even creepier, that's some creepy pasta, I have another, I have this one story that kind of haunts me to my very bones, and it's about, so you've just married a woman, and you're spending one of your first nights together, get it back home, after the months of planning a wedding, it's so difficult, you know, it's put a strain on a relationship, and so it's nice, so it's like once a wedding happens, and you come on, like you spend a long time, you know, you're on a honeymoon,

and you make love out on the beach together, and then finally, it's just like, well you're finally at home, you know, and you finally come home, and you're like, this is it, we're husband and wife now, this is our home now, let's say you know, it's like late at night, and you're sitting on the couch, you got a roar and fire going, and just, you know, in a moment of passion, you just begin to start like kissing each other, and all of a sudden you hear the, of a phone ringing, right, and you answer the phone, and it's like, what are you doing with my daughter, you tell your girl and she say my dad is dead, then who was, who was calling on the phone, who was calling on the phone, I don't know, probably

their mother, who gives a shit, that's right, that was great, alright, that was a good fake out, good fake out, alright Marcus, what do you got buddy, I've got one called baseball is life, ooh I like that one, in 2003, there was a man who loved his wife, the wife hated baseball, but the man loved it, she was a bitch, one day, baseball isn't the best game on earth, you know, it's fine, one day the wife tried to block the channel that hosted live baseball from the TV while the man was at work, she also tried to make the man stall by saying that she was at the mall and she needed someone to pick her up, the man left work at five o'clock and went to the mall, after searching for 35 minutes, the man called

his wife, after not answering three calls, she answered the fourth, the man asked, where was she, where she was, she wasn't at the dress bar, and she wasn't at the candle wick place, she wasn't at the pottery bar, and she wasn't at the hot dog bar, now I can't have anyone, I can't be dropping my wife off at the farm mall, I can't find her at the milkshake coop, nope, nope, nope, not whatsoever, or the freshly squeezed egg sandwich place, the wife replied that she was picked up by her friend, she added that the game was over, and that the main team lost 8-0, the main team, the main team, they were supposed to go all the way this year, I love the main team, they got that one generic hitter and

then the generic third baseman, he was so good, they got the big guy, they got the good one, they got the guy who came like high tower, and then they got the little tiny guy, he was like speedster johnson, and they got the guy who pitches with his feet, he was so talented, the armless pitcher, yeah johnny upside down Rodriguez, that's right, well the man came home sad that the team didn't make it to the playoffs, but he found out that the team did make it to the playoffs by winning 4-2, and after the man found out that his wife blocked the channel, he brutally murdered her by stabbing her 18 times, the police took him to an insane sanatorium where the man insisted that he didn't murder her, the police actually let

him free, and after two weeks, he married another wife that aided baseball, murdered her, was taken into sanatorium again, and was again let free, and then after two weeks, he would do the same, I think that was written by Roger Goodell, the commissioner for the NFL, unbelievable, wow, this guy's got to start marrying people that they have a similar interest, they need to have an interest, it's very important to have things in common with your significant other, absolutely, yeah, all right, are we ready to jump into something actually very scary, yes let's do it, all right, because yeah I mean you know the creepy pasta barrel is running low, I got one called parasite, it is, let's do one more, let's

do, let's add Ben do parasite, okay, I haven't read this one yet, so if it's a little bit bumpy, don't blame me, that's weird though, it's so, because all that you are so prepared for each one of these readings, it's like I'm with a John Gilgood, or like an Alec Guinness, who's an Alec Guinness or a Gilgood, Alec Guinness, he was Obi-Wan Kenobi, all right, bridge over the river Kwa, well it doesn't matter, well I didn't see him at Comic Con, it's because he's dead, yeah, parasite, don't think of a pink elephant, it's the oldest trick in the book, as soon as you read that phrase, a pink elephant immediately pops into your head, and then you name it Henry Zabrowski, and now it starts in an NBC sitcom called

A to Z, I'm 30s on Thursdays, now don't think of a sanity devour, oh this is kind of funny, now don't think of a sanity devour in psychic parasite attached to the back of your mind like a shadow, what little time you have left will be more pleasantly spent forgetting that one of those just popped into your head too you fucking idiot, yeah, that's great, devoured feeling now you stupid listeners that we love, now you got that in your brain, a sanity devour in psychic parasite, I think that is also Henry actually, yeah, yeah, that's my goal, so this is a true story, this is the story of a killer named Larry Jean Bell, now what I like about this story, I mean I don't like it because it's mean, but he is a killer that

only he killed two people, a woman named Sharon Faye Smith, and a young boy, a young girl named Deborah May Helmick, now the thing that made this guy particularly interesting is that he kidnapped these people, and then what he would do is that this is very true is that he would, he would kidnap at the gunpoint, basically turns out that he was a family friend of both of these people, so basically he got them to trust him immediately, yell them at the gunpoint. If they try to kidnap you by a gunpoint, just say kill me now, shoot me now, and if they shoot you, you're dead, otherwise you get to live, never go, especially after what

he did, especially after what he does, so he kidnapped Sharon Faye Smith at gunpoint and took several pictures of her, basically he convinced her to take a bunch of pictures with him, and then he basically scooped her up from a car because she recognized him, and the parents got a call, so there was a gigantic in South Carolina, this was in 1985, the, it was a panicked area, basically this girl went missing, they found her car with the door open, her purse, and she suffers from a thing called diabetes in cities, which is a disease that, it's a type of diabetes, that is you have to be drinking a great deal of water, and it's a thing that lasts for 24 hours, like basically you have to be drinking

water constantly, and taking your medication, so basically how the issue was missing is that the bag, her bag was left with her medication inside of it, so there was a massive police hunt, one of the biggest police searches in South Carolina ever, and they get a call from this man, Larry Jean Bellable, it'll turn out to be, basically saying like I have Sharon, I'm going to, he gives her the details of all the things that she was wearing that day, so they know what it was, and they're like you're going to expect a letter from Sharon, you're going to find it, and they led them to this phone booth where the letter was left, and they read the letter, and basically it turns out what he had done is he had captured

this woman, and then made, realized that he had made his mistake, decided he was going to kill her, had her write her will, her last will in testament, and then choose how she was going to die, and apparently she chose, he basically, they gave her the options, could you choose gummy worms, I think that would be a fun way to die, just by chocolate, but it wasn't a TGI Fridays, so he said you could either shoot you in the head, give you a drug overdose, or strangle you with duct tape, and she chose to be strangled with duct tape because she was very religious, and she thought that this would allow her to atone for all of her sins.

That's the worst option, this is by far the worst option, hate the drugs. There's a bunch of, we're going to cover, we should cover this more in another episode because he basically then proceeds to constantly call this family, and they have an ongoing dialogue, but what I found is I bought the book, Murder in the Midlands, which is about Larry Jean Bell and this entire saga, and they had inside of it the last will in testament of Sherry Faye Smith, and I'm going to read it for you. So this is the letter that they received that she wrote, dated 6185, and that's how basically he identified it, as he said you'd know because it's going to have the date 6185 on it, and

time 310, written on it, 310am, which was, he said it was actually 312, but we both thought it was kind of funny that it was fine for us to round it off. They did it kind of funny, they were bonding there, isn't it fun? Last will in testament, I love you mommy, daddy, Albert, Dawn, and Richard, and everyone else, and all the other friends and relatives, I'll be with my father now, so please, please don't worry, just remember with my witty personality and great special times you all share together, please don't even let this ruin your lives, just keep living one day at a time, for Jesus, some good will come out of this, my thoughts will always be with

and in you, parenthesis casket closed, I love you all so damn much, sorry dad, I had to curse for once, Jesus forgive me, Richard sweetie, I really did and always will love you, and treasure our special moments, and ask one thing though, accept Jesus as your personal savior, my family has been the greatest influence of my life, sorry about the curse mommy, somebody please go in my place, sorry about the cruise mommy, because she was also she was just about to graduate from high school and we're going to go on a gigantic senior trip to the Bahamas, which is a rough way to gas, I'm sorry if I ever disappointed you in any way, I only wanted to make you proud of me, because I've always been proud

of my family, mom, dad, robert and david, there's so much I want to say that I should have said before now, I love you, I know you'll love me and will miss me very much, but if y'all stick together like we all always did, y'all can do it, please do not become hard or upset, everything works out for the good, for those that love the Lord, all my love always, Sharon, Sherry Smith, PS Nana, I love you so much, I kind of always felt like you're my favorite, you're mine, I love you a lot, I love y'all with my heart and she drew a big smiley face at the bottom, well not as much as she loves Nana, I mean she's calling out favorite, she's cursing, I mean she would have just been a fox news anchor now anyway,

you should see a picture of her, she looks like a fox news anchor, I'm sure she was sweet and sweet and pretty, I don't know, I'm sorry, I know it's supposed to be like a super sensitive thing, it is sad, but I mean at the same time, the thing about this thing that was like the worst about it was the fact that that love of Jesus thing made her like so like happy and fine with writing it because they had an ongoing conversation, like what you'll basically find, what you basically find out is that through their, I'm trying to find it now, I'm gonna have to, we'll have to cover this again, she wasn't, because she was so in love with Jesus and so indoctrinated into the religion, that's why she went with the

guy at gunpoint, this is why she allowed him to kill her, it seems like this is why she chose to be strangled with duct tape, I mean this story, I have sympathy for her obviously, but it seems very interesting the way that she was so ready to just yes and the guy who put a gun to her head and was about to murder her and gave her enough time to- She kinda jumps right into it, because they also do this thing too where they, he says to her, like we're gonna, I'm gonna join you with God and she, like they pray together, he talks, when he talks to the parents he says they pray together and that he was gonna join her with God and it was all good because God forgave him and now they just have to

forgive him and it was a very highly, highly delusional, it's all fucked up. It's completely insane, it's completely, had she not, had she been a satanist, a secularist or just even a goddamn rational Mormon, she would have said no, how about we don't write this goddamn letter or this will and testament and I bonk you in the head with an axe and I get the hell out of here. I mean at some point I'm sure she could have attacked this guy, well he is like leaning over her as she writes her final words, poke him in the eye with the goddamn pen. This is what, you know, satan never does this, satan just wants you to go to a fucking concert

and listen to records backwards, that's all he wants from you, but that's only because all of the bands that he supports record their albums backwards, which is confusing. Yeah, no, Jesus really, I mean he doesn't want a painless death, he really wants you to die as painfully as possible so you can die. I guess so with duct tape. We can follow the arbitrary rules. I mean good lord. He died like Vlad Dracula, I mean like he was fucking tortured to death, yeah don't take

advice from a guy who got nailed to a fucking tree guys. No, obviously he's a satanist, he should have died on the walk up there. I would never, I'll tell you this, one thing about Jesus and me as well, I never would have sat still long enough for you to get those nails in my hand. Definitely not. Squiggly wiggly. Try to catch me, try to catch me. Yeah, it would have been like a Steven Seagal or an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, it would

have pulled those nails out of the tree there and just jammed him in the side of the person trying to murder me. If only he, if only she was Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, instead of a tiny blonde 18 year old high school student. And then oh I love you all but grandma you're my favorite, I mean are you kid, how does that make the mother feel? That is not fair. That's not fair.

So I think we're gonna wrap up this episode with a 911 call. Alright, let's do that. Which we haven't done and we haven't done a 911 call in forever, this is a pretty brutal one. This is a guy in Florida that murdered six of his grandchildren with a 45 caliber hand gun immediately sat down on the porch and called 911 to turn himself in. This is a never released Charles Bronson movie called Revenge Against My Family. I'm on one with the address of the emergency.

Yes ma'am, I just shot my daughter and shot all my grandkids and I'll be sitting on my step and then when you get here I'm gonna shoot myself. What is the address of your address, sir? 2515 Northwest, 25 Parrots, Dawn Spirit, sir, every one of them are dead. Are you saying your name is Dawn Spirit? Yep. Alright Don, what kind of gun do you have? The Don and I, what kind of gun I got, they're all dead and then when you get here I'll shoot

myself and then you figure out what kind of gun it is. How long did this happen, Don? I don't want to hear it, man, I'm done with all everything, just bring them up, that's all. You got all the kids are dead in the house. Okay, how many people? Okay, how many people? Six kids, one adult.

Six kids and one adult? Yeah, one of them is a baby. Alright Don, is there any way you can say hello to me until I get somebody there to help you? What's that? Can I tag you down the cell with me? No, I'm not that, I'm waiting for them to get here, they get here, so I'm going to shoot myself on my back step.

All I'm doing is waiting for them. So you're saying you're on your back steps? Yep. Okay, Don. And shoot himself he did. Alright. Yep. As soon as...

Did he even say why? Hello, I just called you. What's that? Did he ever say why? No, he just, because when they got there he, like they had, he had a very brief exchange with the cops, then he just shot himself in the head. Yeah, I would assume it wasn't because he was super happy. No, no, no, no, he had a history of violence naturally.

Yeah. And of course, you know, everyone, you know, wondered, I mean he was a dangerous man, everybody knew, but, you know, apparently Child Protective Services had been there as well, they never took the kids out, but yes, he killed Caleb Coleman, Kylie Coleman, Jonathan Coleman, Destiny Stewart, Brandon Stewart, and Alana Stewart, those kids were 11, 9, 8, 5, 4, and a few months. Alright, well that's very sad, and it's too bad the cops didn't stop this guy from shooting himself because it would have been fun to see him do the old tar and feather type thing,

you know, go to trial and he would be the worst person on earth. They're so brutal when it's like that, it's like he's just, he made such a resolute thing, and it also says here that he accidentally shot his son not long ago. Oh, on accident? Yes, he says on accident. It went right through the baby, and like through the kid, like to his son, I mean what happened? Separate incident. Oh, separate incident.

Yeah. I don't know if this was on accident, I think he just had too much pride to admit he didn't shoot right. Yeah. His name was all off. Yes, his name was Don Spirit. Don Spirit. You can't choose your friends, you can't choose your family.

That's right. Yeah. You really, you really can. That's what that reminds me of, is that one. Is that a story? You can choose to kill your family, apparently. Hey, everybody can. Oh, this is your choice.

Right. Oh, this is sad. Don't tell me. They had a GoFundMe campaign, they didn't hit the, they didn't hit it, no. What were they going to get funded? The funerals. All the funerals? I mean it is six funerals, that's a lot of funerals.

Can't you just do, why can't it just be like one buffet of funerals? Can't it just be six? I mean, it's six, that's six embalming, six coffins, six grave plots. But one funeral. Is it still active? The GoFundMe? It is actually, yes, it is still active. GoFundMe.

Let's give the address to the, let's give the address to the GoFundMe. It's gofundme.com slash bell, Florida tragedy. They've raised 15 grand of 20 grand. Yeah. So give money to that. Oh, okay. I'll give money then. I will also give money to that.

As soon as I get money, I'll give some. Yeah. Which will be very soon, hopefully. Yeah. That is a lot of money. Six funerals, six coffins. Jesus fucking Christ. We'll fund them.

I'll give some. We'll all donate some money. I mean the coffins alone, that's like 12 grand. I mean the children's coffins, so they're cheaper. So maybe like 10 grand, 9 grand. I'm glad that they're cheaper. You know what I mean? Well that whole coffin thing anyway was a huge racket.

Yeah. At least in the end you're like, oh, my son is dead. But at least they're on, these caskets are on sale. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's like, oh, let's go, let's go check down at Ross and see if Ross has got some discount caskets. Yeah, exactly.

Spending all this money on this shit. Hey, I got an idea, honey. I know a baby is dead. Why don't we just put it in a fucking plastic bag and throw it off the fucking highway. That's not proper, sir. That's not proper. But nor is these, these funeral homes charging arm and a leg for these damn things. There needs to be like a Bob's furniture version.

You know, like a Bob's furniture version of a tempo pedicule. Yeah, but then as soon as you make tears for caskets, as soon as you say like, oh, these are the good ones, these are the bad ones. They have them. That's when you know how much people, how much you mean to people. Yeah, but I mean, you're dead. Well, if you go to casketsite.com, they've got discount caskets for you free next day nationwide delivery available.

You can get the 16 gauge model. Probably the shotgun that the guy blew himself up. The 16 gauge model. You can get it in tiger eye for only $2,990. Marcus and Henry, I'm telling you right now, if you guys skimp on my goddamn casket, I'll come back and haunt every damn thing you've ever tried to do with your life. You can get it in tiger eye. I don't think you have a choice.

I don't even have a choice because it's like the big and tall stores. They rack up the prices better than, you know, for a fact, you got a shop there. You have to. Absolutely. I want a tempo pedic. I want to be able to go up and down whenever my corpse wants to. I'm going to say this. I am going to cut off your feet so we can pitch you in a regular costume.

Put the feet near your head so you can finally see them. I'm going on. Foot head. Now I'm foot head when I go to die. You got to be kidding me, Henry. That's pathetic. After all I've done for you. Well, I'm glad that we left this podcast feeling all uneasy and fucked up.

Foot head. That's my favorite. That's my favorite way to exit a creepypasta episode. I like that too. By the way, the standard cremation casket is only $795. Yeah. Because what it is. I mean, Al Balsa would.

Yeah. Right? It's just like fucking you're going to set it on fire anyway. It better be really easy to set on fire. It's going to be made out of matchsticks. Yeah. Shaker, the Bayview Beach, Pacific Pine, Newport, Clarion Pine, Indicott Cherry. The Germans did it.

The Germans do it best in their funeral tradition. They just lower the casket right after the ceremony. You hear the fire start going, and by the time you walk out, you have the iron right there. The Germans. That's how they do it. You're talking about the Germans' efficiency in burning bodies. Well, no.

I'm not talking about Germans. No. No, I'm just. It's cheaper. No. I am not discussing. No. I'm 2,000 this half.

Yeah. They were so efficient. It was pretty amazing. All right. You know, they could get a whole generation of Jews. Yeah. You guys can really spin a tail. You guys can really take a sentence and make it seem disgustingly brutal.

You're the one who brought up your grandfather and his fucking down home way to get rid of a body recipe. That's how all the Germans do it. That's on your childhood. Yeah, I know that's how the Germans do it. Oh, right. Well, we don't. Henry's Polish Italian for Christ's sake.

They just put cement boots on them and make their hair feel like seaweed. Everybody knows that they drown them. We did it. We did do it. We're at the end of it. Yeah. And I just want to say that with Halloween's coming up again, it's coming up very soon. Thank God, not God.

Fuck God. That would be the wrong. I'm just saying. So we got Halloween coming up soon. We're very excited. You should be very excited for next week's episode. It will be fun. We have a heavy hitter that's going to make your, your penis swing and your vagina clap.

Yeah. Mm hmm. All right. He's a bit of a, let's just say he's a bit of a, he loves, he's a folk music artist. Yeah. Yeah. He is a folk musician. That's very bad at it.

As a matter of fact. Very bad at it. Had a couple of passable songs. Mm hmm. Went to only if you took them and then added a layer of G and R to it. Yeah. So follow us on Twitter. Yep.

That's Marcus Parks. That's Henry loves you. I'm Ben Kissel. Let's do a magustalations. Magustalations. I'm going to take, I'm going to take your hail gain. I'm giving a hail gain out there. You fucked it up.

It's hail gain. Yeah. Well, there you go. Yeah. And you should, it's so weird because those words should fit so comfortably in your mouth. Hail me. That is ridiculous. Hail yourselves and.

Hail sweet, sweet Satan. Yes. I can't wait to see you again Satan. Mm hmm. All right, everybody. We will talk to you very soon. Goodbye. Oh, and don't forget to go buy a t-shirt.

Yeah. Yeah. Buy a damn t-shirt. They're really good. I feel really weird wearing one of myself. Yeah. You know what, leave a comment thread on the Facebook page about it because I felt the exact same way.

Is it douchey if Marcus, Henry and myself wear the shirt? Yeah. I want to know. I want to know too. I feel weird. I feel like twice and I feel weird every time. But I mean, the one thing that I count on is that strangers won't necessarily look at the shirt and go, hey, fucker, you're wearing a shirt with your own face on it.

And people I know already know I'm a little douchey, so they don't worry about it. But then if they're like, oh, what podcast is that? You're like, oh, this is me right here. And I'm like, oh, did you sell any shirts or did you just buy one for your, did you just have one made for yourself? And I will also again say to everybody, we read that damn Facebook shit. Yeah. Oh yeah.

I'm posting shit. I'm posting stuff. Post scary stuff. It's fucking Halloween. Yeah. Let's do this. Let's do this together. Honestly, if they're gonna be a campaign to post something, post a video I haven't seen yet

because I've seen all of them. I've seen all of them. Well, then there's gonna be difficult to do. Post something that's scary that scares me. Yeah. Or post something from Mork and Mindy because Robin Williams is dead and that'll make us all sad. It's been months, Ben.

I know. It's just, it was sad. I thought about him the other day. He'll save me. Yeah.