Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 150: Monsters of the American Indian

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

We cover the world of Native American monsters, from the terrifying witches known as Skinwalkers to the mischevious, possibly murderous Mannegishi.

There's no place to escape to this is the last time on the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? So he's hold my moccasins for me. They are full of dirt. It is made by Tony S. Brown. Brown is my skin you say? This is one hell of a makeover. Thank you, dear Dr. Is that a Native American makeover? The new HGTV show I've heard so much about?

Please tie my buckskin tighter. It fits my form better, so I am more attractive to Wampa Wampum. Oh, Wampa Wampum. She's the least heavy of the females of my tribe and how I wish to wife with her. But sadly, there has been a basketball player from the Utah Jazz who has come through the reservation to get cartons of cigarettes and Wampa Wampum is leaving with him. Oh, it's tough. You can't compete with a Jazz player. They're very athletic. Tune in to Native American Makeup Tips Thursdays on the Hallmark Network. You've got a beaver's back of his tail and rub it against your eyes and his fecal matter is a dark brown and it is good against the brown of your skin. Most of our makeup is brown.

Well, that works. That's very convenient. I hope it's not all poo poo. That's pretty gross. Poo poo makeup isn't necessarily going to sell. Your assumption in river mud allow the brown of the river mud to mix with the brown of your skin. Right. I'm not sure how I feel about where the conversation's gone. Your assumptions of my people are highly offensive. You're assuming that they use poo poo for makeup.

I assume nothing. You've assumed that, tall man. Well, how'd you come up with that nickname? Big tall walks with melted candle. No, you're disgusting. That's offensive towards my body. Good Lord. You started it. You started it. Who started the conversation with a Native American? I can't win that.

We did start it. Native American cryptids. Let's get it started. Native American cryptids. Today on Last podcast on live. Can we put out a big caveat at the very beginning? Native Americans are boring. I'm like, what? Your stories are amazing.

I automatically assumed that a Native American storyteller would be incredible. And then the ferret turned into a woman with breasts. And then I knew that was my wife. They're all just kind of stumbly, bumbly. I saw this 45 minute long video with a guy named Chief Dan last night talking about skin walkers, recovering skin walkers today. And I watched this video last night. And I can tell you, I went right to sleep.

Yeah, maybe you shouldn't listen to Chief Dan. He might not be the most authentic of all the Native American speakers. I'm Chief Barry Winstead. Chief Dan. He was just like, absolute. Me and my Indian buddies. I'm sick of fucking corn. I tell you that.

I'm sick of being an Indian. Right. Well, I had a DNA woman come to my cultural anthropology course once and she gave a rousing speech. I watched a program on PBS last night about the differences between urban Native Americans and reservation Native Americans. I thought it was quite fascinating. Like RAPSTER Indians?

RAPSTER? They were in their fucking chief hats backwards. The feathers in the front. Yeah, they're the hip RAPSTER. Native Americans. I'm very interested in their view of the universe and their view of magic and involvement in our reality. And we're going to talk with John Keel addresses that.

Yes, John Keel. He says that certain locations such as the Bridgewater Triangle that we covered a few episodes ago are hotspots for paranormal UFO and most importantly crypto zoological sightings. And he argues that this is because these locations are a type of window into another dimension. Okay. So there is a we have we've talked about before on this podcast.

There is a relationship between ghosts, UFOs and cryptids. Yes, that they all seem to happen at the same time. And in Native American folklore and Native American stories about the way they deal with cryptids, the way they deal with shapeshifters and skinwalkers is that it's very much a part of their community. They believe that it happens all the time. They don't know the difference between what is just a crazy animal like a cryptid and what is a wizard wearing a belt hat.

You know what I mean? There is a difference to be fair. I mean, you know. I mean, let's not say they in generalize all Native Americans here. And something like to be called American Indians. Yes. And many of us love to be called Cree. We like to be called Dine.

Yeah, that's a lot. Because what's weird is that it turns out that Navajo when translated into racist English actually means seven foot tall redheaded beer addict. Oh, you know that. Wow. Two empties and two falls in front of them, Henry. That's right. I'm about to make them all the same.

But no, Navajo actually broken down means thief. And so they do not choose to use the term Navajo. They like the term Dine, which means the people. Yeah, that's nicer than thief. And Sue translates to enemy, I believe. And their name is Lakota, what they call themselves. I believe one of our listeners is a Lakota Indian, in fact. Welcome aboard.

Big Dick, awesome dudes. Big Dick, awesome dudes. I've heard that before. So this guy, John Keel, he says that the sudden disappearance and appearances of these wild unknown creatures all over the world, even in densely populated areas, because we do see certain cryptozoological animals showing up in cities suggest that they have some means of transportation or else they are deliberately dumped here and retrieved by some form of transportation.

It is an offensive thing to call the homeless. Also, I don't know how many times I've walked into the creek. And I'm just like, oh my God, I can't believe a Sasquatch has worked his way into the bathroom and is washing his hands. That's amazing. He's learned how to wash his hands. It's such a long flowing here. Oh, that's just Ed Larson.

Of course, the creek being the creek in the cave where we record all of our fun. And what is that foul odor emanating from such a skunk ape? I can't believe he is so dangerous. They have this creature in the, it's Edward Larson again. I love that joke. From the round table of gentlemen. You're commenting on Ed's weight, which is so funny because he is so fat. And then the odor thing too.

And then to make it a trifecta, you brought the hair into it. I love that joke about how fat and hairy and smelly head is. Round table of gentlemen Mondays on cave comedy radio. Great joke. So John Keel here says that another world exists outside our space time continuum and that these myriad objects and creatures have found doors from their world to hours in these window sectors, which actually fits into another UFO. We're going to do, I want to do a whole episode about this other concept

that Jacques Valais created was just this thing called a control system. And that our earth lies within what it may possibly be like a matrix, like a, like a computer simulation that aliens have trapped us in, that the grays and reptilians have trapped us in purposefully to feed off of our emotional energy. And part of that is including these, the cryptid myths and the idea and people and shamanistic abilities that all fits into our, that theory about basically they manipulate people and create these cryptids, these sort of like beings that pop into our world in order to generate fear that they eat that makes them, makes their butts larger.

So they're farming our fear. That's the whole point of absolutely. And I can contribute quite a bit to that as well. It's been, that's been kind of things been swirling around in my head. Can't wait for that fucking episode. Absolutely. And that's going to be, that's going to be a fucking hogs leg. Oh, oh my God.

So these creatures, uh, John Keele said can be broken into two different groups. Group one are genuine animals of land and sea, but still unknown to science. The accepted definition of crypto zoology, they include at least three, but probably more types of abominable snow persons. Oh, let's get really politically correct with it. And at least seven large amphibian mammals and reptiles. And overall they seem to be harmless and would prefer that we leave them alone. You know, those, that would also include Nessie and another monster that we're going to cover later on in this episode.

We're going to cover a few of them in this episode. I don't want to live in the world where the abominable, abominable snowman is nice. Really? He's supposed to be mean. The Yeti should be mean. What are you basing your entire, are you basing all your opinions of the Yeti on the Rudolph the reindeer fucking Christmas special? Rudolph the red nose reindeer. And yes, that's how they should be.

They're terrifying. Yeah, I suppose. Come on. Who was a nice Yeti? I'd love a nice Yeti. Harry and the Henderson. Maybe go to the movies with him or it'd be funny to like get a hamburger with him and I mean you're going to like check it out and check it out. He's just like, I am alone in this world. This young goblin man has chosen to be with me.

He's my friend. He's my friend. And group two, these are entities on this planet and around it that are far beyond all efforts to translate them into understandable cellular creatures. They are part of the energies that were scattered into space billions of years ago and their intelligence is so vast and so ruthlessly inhuman that there is no way for us to comprehend it or communicate with it. So these are reptilians and things like that? Yeah, things that are outside of our knowledge essentially. Possible interdimensional beings that are controlling our reality. Exactly.

Which is why what does it really matter if I'm fucking late to work? Yeah, explain that to your boss. You won't be fired. Well the first monster that we're going to cover today. We're going to talk skin walkers, right? Which one is he? Is he number one or number two? Well that's what I was about to get into. Oh, thank you, Marcus. Somewhere between the two eggs. Exactly, we don't necessarily know.

There is much debate between what, as to what the skin walkers actually are. The denay, as they prefer to be called. The denay, they prefer, they think that skin walkers are actual witches. Actual witches in their tribe, actual people, while other people believe that skin walkers can be Sasquatch. But today we're going to be focusing on the witch aspect of it. So skin walkers, they are shapeshifting witches that are able to assume the attributes of various animals. Especially canines. They can walk in the skin of another animal.

The Navajo name for it, I think. The Navajo language is fucking incomprehensible. It's very hard to speak. And that's why we used it in wind talkers. The movie wind talkers, because the Nazis were like, what is this fucking, what is this, what is this, what is this? It's not as beautiful as the German language. The German language. Yeah, it's tough to say which is worse sounding.

Yeah, I think German's worse sounding. If you could go and become any animal, what do you think smells the best? You know, because when you're stuck inside of these creatures, that's going to be pretty rough. Well, the animals... You always have to be kind of nice. Well, your clothes, they can turn into foxes. They can also turn into coyotes, owls, wolves, crows. And the name that the Navajo use, it means with it, he goes on all fours.

And so there's also... So the DNA folklore around skin walkers is that they started as a... Skin walkers was a race of medicine man that would work with the Navajo or the DNA in order to... Basically, during the beginning when white people started showing up, they were very nervous, obviously, because we are not a good group. And we let ourselves be known as a bad group. When we show up, party's over. Immediately.

I mean, we brought the accordion here, which ruined America for a long period of time. Whether it be colonists, conquistadors, cops, anytime white people show up, it's done. Well, I would like to see some cops within an accordion. That would be nice. It was my father. And so they went and they would work with these skin walkers to basically go and spy on them. And so skin walkers would go and dress as a fox and go watch a conquistador taking a dump and be like, this is when you get him. You get him when he's shitting.

It's like, thank you so much, Magic Fox. And so that was happening. So they worked together for a while, but then eventually these skin walkers started getting apprehended and would be put into like jails and various forts and they became addicted to white flour, beer, all the stuff for the white people like fucking mastered real early. They got really into like ownership, which is the thing that they didn't really understand. And so the skin walkers started to turn and become evil. Yeah, they are one of several varieties of Navajo, which as opposed,

they are known as a practitioner of the witchery way, as they call it. Oh, I like the witchery way. I like the witchery way too, as opposed to a user of curse objects or a practitioner of the frenzy way, which is how I view my comedy style and also how I walked on the street where I'm like, because that's how you don't get mugged. Sounds like Charles Manson taking a dump. So just going back for a flower. Flowers, flower that did it?

Yeah, flower. Yeah, you make delicious bread. Yeah, they've been eating dirt. They're like, you know, you can eat dirt. They're like, I don't like it running flower. I don't like the dirt. And he's like, eat the dirt. And they're like, this guy made a thing called a donut. I met this white guy and he made this thing called a donut and had like stuffing in it. Real good running flower.

Yeah, that is the downfall of all societies. Yeah, once the donut is introduced, it's all downhill from there. Yeah. So skin walkers are mostly men. They're rarely women and they use their powers to travel in animal form. And in some versions, some versions, the men or the women who have attained the highest level of priesthood are called. It's called klitziatzi. Klitziatzi.

Klitziatzi. It just sounds like a great new porno. Yeah, klitziatzi. Klitziatzi. Yeah. I'm having one. Klitziati, which means pure evil when they commit the act of killing a close blood relative, a sister, brother, mother, father. Or they commit incest or they commit necrophilia.

This act is said to destroy their humanity and allow them to fully immerse themselves in the teachings of the witchery way. I'm gonna say necrophilia is the least offensive out of all those three. Absolutely. Because if you're dead, hey man, if I'm dead, go ahead and play with my balls. Yeah, everyone's going to. But way chief Dan put it too, he was like, they have a meeting once a week, once a month. It's not really a meeting as much as it's a gathering meeting. Meeting, they meet, they stand together.

And I was like, get out of the way! But what he basically said was that they stand in front of pelts, that they'll stand in a circle and they'll stand in front of the pelts. And then kind of like the tree rape in Evil Dead 2 is that if they once they kill their sister, brother or something, the pelts like runs up their body and makes them an animal. I see, yeah. It's pretty much the equivalent of a black mass. Right, right. You're getting into the religious implications of it. But men are far more numerous.

It is generally thought that only childless women can become witches. And not every witch is a skin walker, but every skin walker is a witch. Is a witch, okay, good to know. And by Navajo Law, a known witch has forfeited its status as a human being and can be killed at will. By law. By Navajo Law. Wow. Not by American law.

I don't know why we need to top that one. Well, but as we know about, or as you know about reservations and such, the laws are, the rules are much different out on the res. What would argue, there are no rules if you're a man. Whatever happens on the res, stays on the res. And all you know what will add up, what happens on the res? Drinking booze and eating corn. Yeah, a lot of that. It's a real poopy morning. So some Navajo believe that skin walkers have the ability to steal the face of a person.

But they have to, like you have to lock eyes with it and like you have to like hang out with them for a long time. I'm going to lock eyes with everyone. It's kind of like how you start to look like you're your dog after you've been with your, having a dog. Yeah, you start to look like your dog or your wife or your husband. Yeah, everyone just sort of merges together at some point. Yeah, they can use their power to read human thoughts and they also possess the ability to make any human or animal noise that they choose. They may use the voice of a relative. So they can go like, hey!

Or they can go... That's good. Are you sure you're not a skin walker? Kill him! Yeah, they might use... You go up to a skin walker and all of a sudden he comes up to you. It's like a perfectly full Native American man. He comes up and he goes, hey, here you are, make a fin.

And he, like, wait a second. You're looking like a Burt Lancaster, but you're some like a Hong Kong Chinese. Skinwalker logic. Every single time. Right, right. And much like vampires, skin walkers can't enter a home without invitation. There was also another very boring witness testimony I learned from a girl named Eileen who may have been retarded. I'm not really sure, but she was a young Indian woman that was interviewed by this cryptozoologist named J.C. Johnson,

who has a, he has a very popular documentary out about skin walkers, but it's not available in any way she performed. You have to email it and he will send you a link because he says it's got too many Native American secrets in it. So sure, okay. But he did his series with this girl named Eileen and asked her if it's because she said she witnessed like a skinwalker attack. And again, 45 minute long video and it was her literally just going like, I see it in a living room and I hear a knock. I knew then skinwalker come. Look out door.

Did not see man. Go back to kitchen. I hear. I look out the door. I see man. I don't let him in. That's a male man. That is the male man.

Yeah. Milk man. Milk man here. Well, concerning. She heard running up and down her ceiling that basically he disappeared and then he showed up on top of the ceiling and then he popped back in front of the door and it was a wolf dude. But he was sitting with glowing red eyes, but he wouldn't. He could only come in if he let her in. Yeah.

And concerning the, his whole, I guess, belief that it exposes Native American secrets is that the Navajo are extremely tight lipped about the whole skinwalker thing. Oh, yeah. They hate to talk about it. They hate to talk about it. They think it belongs to them and they, but they also believe that if you talk about a skinwalker, the skin, if you identify a person as a skinwalker, most likely the skinwalker will fucking murder you on the spot. Right, right, right, right. Yeah. And that's not going to help you get a job.

No. You know, just talking about skinwalkers all everywhere you go. That's not going to help you like advance your standard of living there. Yeah. They do all kinds of creepy shit. They use a powder called corpse dust. That's cool. It's also known as corpse poison, corpse powder to poison their victims.

It's composed of ground infant bones, preferably twin infants and bones from the fingertips and the back of the skull. So I believe that this, this is, that is the drug known as, I mean what it's called, it's zombie powder. Yeah. Yeah. It starts with a Y. I know. Like, yeah, you could be. You could be.

Well, it slows down your heart rate and your, and your, your whole respiratory system to the point where it seems like you're dead, right? Yeah. Well, that's what they say. They say after the victim breathes the dust, the tongue starts to swell and blacken. They go into convulsions and they die. They can, it can either be blown into their faces or down the chimney of their home. Apparently the, none of the people who were fell victim to that watch WWF wrestling in the 80s when Papa Shango attempted to use that same trick against macho man Randy Savage. They didn't realize they just have to hulk up a little bit. They just got to go wild.

It's called scopolamine. Yeah. It's got to shake the ropes. According to the skim walker legend, they're very seldom caught. And those who do track the skim walker and learn their true identity must pronounce the name of the skim walker in full. And once this happens, the skim walker will get sick and die for the wrongs that they've inflicted upon others, which this is a huge thing in folklore, monsters, all kinds of shit. It all comes down to the name. Well, this chief Dan would be easy as hell.

Dan. You look back even to just like the Torah and all this stuff, names are really powerful. It's the way to gain agency over something. You'll see that in magic all the time. And then it just got to be kind of anticlimactic when you're like, Herbert Winklestein. Yeah. Yes, that's me. The power is now mine.

Well. I'll never be a skim walker again. He was a beautiful bear. He was a great big bear man. Do you get away with it then? If he's a skim walker, can you go to the judge and just be like, you don't understand he's half an owl? Well, we'll get to that here in a bit. There's going to be a story in which that exact argument is made.

Yes. But let's go back to 1878. Yes, we're going to the Navajo witch purge of 1878 in which more than 40 Navajo witches were killed or quote unquote purged by tribe members because the Navajo had endured a terrible forced march at the hands of the U.S. Army in which hundreds were starved, murdered or left to die, much like the Trail of Tears, but not quite as bad. And at the end of the march, of course, the Navajo were put on a terrible fucking reservation in the middle of New Mexico and Arizona, I think is where the Navajo reservation lies. And they thought that, of course, since all this horrible shit was happening to them, witches.

It has to be witches. Oh, witches got the blame for this one. Yeah, witches got the blame for all of them. And witches were the one who invented the blow job. They invented that stuff. They were the freaky fun ones and they always had to kill them. Witches are the best women I know. Always, always.

The reason why they thought that the witches within, they had a quote unquote proof in this, that witches within their own tribe had caused all this bad shit to happen, they found a collection of which artifacts wrapped in a copy of the Treaty of 1868 and buried in the belly of a dead person. That was just a very fat man. The fat man who lost some shit in his folds. Happens all the time. Believe me. I found an interstellar ticket under my tit the other day. Oh, there was no reason for that.

Oh, interstellar, great movie. Yeah, good movie. So let's jump ahead to 1983 and this is an encounter from the white man. Thankfully, somebody I can trust. Finally, a credible resource. So one night while driving at night along Route 163 through the Navajo Reservation. We had an old VW and we had a good old time. We walked down the engine land because we liked the ice cream.

So we drove 600 miles across the reservation to get some ice cream. It's gigantic. So they're driving at night for members in this truck. It slowed down around a sharp bend. Suddenly they felt just the atmosphere change around them. Time itself seemed to slow down and then something leaped out of a roadside ditch at the vehicle. One of the witnesses said it was black and hairy and was eye level with the cab. Whatever this thing was, it wore a man's clothes.

It had on a white and blue check shirt and long pants. Its arms were raised over its head, almost touching the top of the cab. It looked like a hairy man or a hairy animal in man's clothing. But it didn't look like an ape or anything like that. Its eyes were yellow and its mouth was open. But they also didn't know that somebody had just finished up a shift at the local Greek restaurant. Right, right. I would love to hear his side of the story.

I was just walking home in the middle of the street. I went to the road where I go to my normal hiking. I went hiking with the people on the road. And I went out there. I don't know how to be scared of me. I say, oh, I have free bag of dosas. Free bag of dosas for everybody. And they hardly drive like I'm some sort of wolf.

I'm no wolf, I'm quack. You're Greek? I'm quack. You're Greek? I'm quack. So these people, they go home. They go home. The father who was a Vietnam vet, battle hardened man.

Maybe some PTSD happening. I don't know yet. We don't know. They go home. They go back to Flagstaff where their home base is. And they woke up in the middle of the night to the sounds of loud drumming outside. They looked out their window and they saw the dark forms of three quote unquote men outside their fence.

And the beings, very shadowy, tried to climb the fence to enter the yard, but seemed inexplicably unable to cross onto the property, frustrated by their failed entry. The men began to chant in the darkness as the terrified family huddled inside the house. And those men made up the band, the Grateful Dead. Their car. And again, what we're seeing here is telltale signs of when cryptid, the viewing of cryptid or cryptid experiences match UFO phenomena as well.

The missing time, the like weird rules, specifics of the view. It's like, cause you'll also see when we cover other cryptids, as we've heard before, between like Mothman, Momo, the Missouri monster, all these things that are like shapely like, Momo, sorry. I mean, we had a guy we called Momo, but that's cause he was a convicted child molester. The only way that you can kill Momo is to put peanut butter on the top of its mouth.

He licks himself to death. So apparently that family, they had the house blessed by a Navajo woman, and it, you know, did not, they did not have any loud drumming outside of their house ever again. All right. So in 1987, this is very interesting. This is when murder actually comes into it. The mutilated body of Sarah Saganitso was found in a rocky area behind the Flagstaff Medical Center, and George Abney, who was a professor at Northern Arizona University,

was arrested in September and tried for her murder. Okay. Part of her left breast had been bitten off, and the prosecution offered testimony that the bite mark matched Abney's teeth. The defense countered that circumstances surrounding Saganitso's slaying suggested a skinwalker witchcraft murder, including a broken stick left across her neck, as well as a clump of grave grass found next to her pickup truck.

And Abney's attorneys first tried to... Those are things that are used in skinwalker magic ritual. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know the broken stick across the neck. That's a little weird. The clump of grave grass, though. I get that.

So Abney's attorneys, they first tried to implicate this woman's former boyfriend on the basis that he was a member of the Native American church, but he was proved to have been at a sweat lodge in Tuba City the night before. Tuba City, the Tuba City sweat lodge. Oh, my God. Run by a hairy Lloyd Bubbleson. Yeah. He's half dead and he's like,

Hey, come on down to Tuba City, because we've got solid 97 degrees inside my sweat lodge. Remember my living room. Come on down, meet my wife. Meet my wife, she's just a bunch of meat. She ain't even a woman. Come on down, Tuba City. I'd love to go to Tuba City.

One day, one day, we'll make a field trip out to Tuba City. Seems like the kind of city that an elephant would be happy living in. It's the Parisapolit. It is. Tuba City. But anyway, the professor ended up being acquitted. Oh, great. Really?

So he actually got off. He got off. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if the Skimwalker Defense was what got him off. It was most likely forensics and various other. Or the lack of forensics, maybe. The lack of forensics, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, he did, he did get off.

And the defense still did bring the Skimwalker argument into the courtroom, which is very unorthodox. Very unorthodox. But it worked. A lot of people didn't think that Johnny Cochran rhyming everything was going to work. But it did. But look at OJ. Look at OJ.

The lawyer just walking around just being like, and you never know when a bird's a bird, a bird can be a man. It's a Foxman. You don't know. I say, you bring me out here a Fox that could also not be a man, and then you will convince me that this man is guilty. Right. Will you please, Barrister, will you please leave the courtroom?

You're right. I quit. Yeah. And our last story concerning the Skimwalkers, it concerns a woman who is delivering newspapers in the early morning hours. She claimed that during her rounds, she heard a scratching on the passenger door of her vehicle, and of course, her baby, when she can't leave her baby at home when she's fucking delivering newspapers,

baby was in the car seat next door. She said that the door flung open, and she saw a horrifying form of a creature that she described as half-man, half-beast, with glowing red eyes and a gnarly arm that was reaching out for her child. Yeah. She fought it off. She fought it off, managed to pull the door closed, and then pounded on the gas pedal and sped off.

But to her horror, the creature ran along with the car and continued to try to open the door, and this is something that you see a lot with Skimwalker testimony. They always run after the cars. They're always chasing cars. They're always running after cars. There was another testimony. Sort of like a dog? Like a dog.

Well, they usually turn into canines. Okay. Yeah, they are. I mean, I guess that's just ingrained in the brain. But one of them was actually said to race along a car going about 60 miles an hour, and then he actually overtook the car and then turned right in front of it and sped off. But this woman. That's great.

Yeah, the Skimwalker tried to open the door. She said it stayed with her until she came to an all-night convenience store, ran inside, screaming in hysterical, and the store employee dashed outside and didn't see nothing. Well, that's just part of their marketing campaign to get people at their goddamn gas station. You know? Hey, dumb Tony, go run the cars. We will protect you from werewolves. And in one, you know, final strange, strange case, a woman said that she saw two walkers,

two skinwalkers who appeared in the form of humans with dog's heads smoking cigarettes. That's like that funny painting. Yeah, that's like that poker painting. That's a lot of fun. All of this also, like, every single one of these stories reminds me of, like, Warren's Yvonne, like music video. The werewolves of Tuba City, the laziest werewolves around. I think we should start remarketing ourselves as the werewolves of Tuba City.

Oh, please. Yes, can we be? Henry Zabrowski, the werewolf of Tuba City. When we go on our national tour, we got to stop by Tuba City and give those good folks a hell of a show. Yeah, that's going to be our first national tour. That's what's going to be called. It's going to be called werewolves of Tuba City tour 2015. How do we get to Tuba City?

The thing that really gets me about Tuba City is that I've heard is that their brass bands actually kind of suck. Oh, that's terrible. And that's terrible. I mean, at this point, it's Tuba City. There's a lot of pressure on them to be good. God, it's almost like that anchor man scene where they're like named whatever, just like name the things in the room. It's like a lamp. And then someone's just like, what's the name of the city? And he's like, Tuba. City.

You're holding the Tuba. Yeah, it's good. Tuba will work. Yeah, Tuba City. Let's call ourselves Glock and Spiel Lake. Let's go with Tuba City. Okay. Tuba City, you're right.

Right. Get Herbert out of here. Herbert Winklebaum. Glock and Spiel. No one ever respects me until I've been barefoot. I knew I should have come to the meeting and barefoot. Then they would have accepted Glock and Spiel Lake. Well, actually, no, we can't move on from Skinwalkers now because we almost forgot to talk about Skinwalker Ranch.

Oh, yeah. Now, Skinwalker Ranch, this is sort of like, this is a place where Skinwalkers can like run free, right? Where you bring an old Skinwalker and it can kind of just mail amongst the bushes. Yeah, that's pretty much it. It's like a sandals resort for Skinwalkers? It's in Utah. It's a certain ranch in Utah in which there's a lot of Skinwalker activity. One researcher who went to Skinwalker Ranch asked some of the local natives about a place called Dark Canyon

because he had been told that there were centuries-old petroglyphs in Dark Canyon, some of which depict the Skinwalker. But of course, the Tribal Council, they denied his request to explore the canyon. One member later told him that the tribe denied the request because it didn't want to disturb the Skinwalker for fear that it might, quote, create problems. The tribe's advice? Leave it alone. Skinwalker Ranch was actually purchased by this Boston millionaire who's obsessed with ghosts and UFOs

because Skinwalker Ranch is also a huge hotspot for not only cryptic sightings, but UFO sightings and ghosts, poltergeist activity, all this crazy shit, animal mutilations, like all the cow mutilations and shit like that. You see all the eyes being bored out. It's all happened in Skinwalker Ranch. And so this billionaire bought it to just sort of be a research zone for paranormal activity. And this guy named John Anderson, he was a former, some kind of center, some kind of something. He says he's something.

He was a colonel. And he went out there to research and they were talking about, they were like, it's another fucking super boring interview with him. And they're like, so when you get out there, how many aliens did you see? And he's like, you know, there's a lot of activity over at the Skinwalker Ranch. But when you hear it all kind of described once, it sounds pretty exciting. You think, when I got here, I thought I'd be fucking eating breakfast with an alien every other day. But mostly we're playing poker.

Sounds pretty fun. But there's also a place called Skinwalker Cave, which is what the Dark Canyon thing is. And JC Johnson, who is a cryptozoologist, who's a fucking rube. Who's just the weirdest dude of the face of the planet. He was like, I went out to Skinwalker Cave because I had heard several indications. And there were cryptids involved inside the cave. And I went, I've noticed several very unusual mud formations. Who only could have been done by a massive hand.

And he coined the term sheep-squatch. Which is a sheep creature. I heard a sheep-squatch. Wow, I love sheep-squatch. What were the mud forms? What were they of? They were clumps. Piles. Piles of mud. Piles of mud. And he's just like, only could have been formed by a thing with hands. No human would stack mud like this.

Right, right, right. I'll buy it. I'll believe it. All right, well let's move on to our... Skinwalkers. Skinwalkers, yeah. There's a lot more to it. There's a lot of lore around it. It's a fun thing. It's Wizards meets werewolves. I love it. It's fantastic.

Yes, the walls of reality are thin around Skinwalker Ranch. Let's move to Thunderbirds. Yeah, Thunderbirds. I love Thunderbirds. They're described as giant vultures. Yeah, Thunderbirds are just big birds. Yeah, they're real big birds. Yeah, real big birds. They're described in Native American lore

as giant vultures whose presence indicates large storms on the horizon. Some say that Thunderbirds exist in both the spiritual and physical realm and that their visitors from a plane of existence beyond our comprehension somehow stepping through doors that aren't really open. So they were the first sort of weatherman. Yeah. Thunderbirds are the first weatherman but less rapey. Yeah.

You know? They're Elrokers with sort of bad things. Weathermen are rapey. Weathermen are rapey? I was watching them on the other day on local news because I currently don't have a Roku box so I can't watch Netflix. And yeah, weathermen are rapey. Okay.

They're strange birds. They're strange birds. Tell me that every weatherman's a rapist. I'm not saying every weatherman. You're saying Elroker. America's sweetheart. Hell no. That's possibly pinned a woman up against a fucking NBC bathroom door in his finger.

Okay. Going like, hey, I'm Elroker. You tried it. You just bring me down. You bring the whole fucking system down. We've got the Bill Cosby allegations. We've got Bill Cosby on yesterday's round table of gentlemen. Yes, we did.

So listen to that and we'll get to the bottom of all of it. So 19. No, I didn't rape. You know I just bought her. Oh my God. You know I don't need to rape. I'm not gonna give them my money. I'm not gonna give them my Kodak film.

I get Marcus. How lucky are we? Bill Cosby on twice. Twice. This week on Cave Comedy Radio. Two days in a row. I said Theo, come over here and help me rape this woman. And he was like, no, dad.

I mean, Mr. Cosby, you ain't my real dad. Not good. So in 1976, Armando Grimaldo of Raymondville, Texas, reported an encounter. He was smoking a cigarette on his mother's mother-in-law's porch. His estranged wife, Christina, was sleeping inside. I can't believe it. Armando Grimaldo has an estranged wife. He's smoking a cigarette on his mother-in-law's porch.

I want to see the fight that led to him. I'm going outside to smoke a cigarette. If I come back in and you're still sitting at this goddamn table, everyone's gonna be bloody. And as Armando would later put it, I heard a sound, like a flapping of a bat. Like, it was like wings. And a funny kind of whistling. Kind of going like.

The dogs in the neighborhood started barking. I looked around, but I couldn't see anything. I don't know why I never looked up. I guess I should have. But as I was turning to go look over the other side of the house, I felt something grab me. Something with big claws. I looked back and I saw it.

It started running. I never been so scared of my entire life. It was Bill Cosby. Oh, yikes. He said that he escaped the big bird by diving onto the ground and crawling on his belly until he found safety under sheltering bushes. That's it. That's a tip for all you kids out there.

You see a thunderbird find bushes. There's also talk that a thunderbird could also possibly be, like what you've seen is exciting of a possible, like still living dinosaur-like creature, like a pterodactyl. Well, we'll get to that in just a second and how that whole theory disproves evolution. Uh-oh. Big week.

Finally. Finally. Take that, Darwin. Take that, Charles Darwin and the other guy, Richard Dolan. Two Bill Cosby experiences and disproving evolution all in one week. But you're going to have to wait a little bit for that because we've got to hear from nine-year-old Marlon Lowe of Laundell, Illinois in 1977. He says that he was snatched from the ground by a giant black bird

in the sight of his mother and other witnesses. He was carried several feet before his struggles brought him to the ground. That year, 21-year-old Francisco Magalanus Jr., who may or may not have been drinking, he told police that he went to his backyard around 12.45 a.m. to investigate a noise and noticed an unknown creature in a stoop position and, according to Francisco, who may or may not have been drinking, the black bat-winged animal then rose to a height of six feet and pounced on him, scratching him badly in the ensuing struggle.

He broke free and ran back to his house. He described the creatures having the face of a pig with bright red eyes and pointy ears, long arms, stubby legs, and an eight-foot wingspan. He claimed that the monster made a hissing sound like a snake, and when it was touching him, his skin would become hot. Pig bat. One theory is that these creatures, as you mentioned earlier, one of these creatures are some kind of pterosaur, like pterodactyls.

We all know pterodactyls. Sure. We were all eight years old once. We all know what they are. Apparently, they never actually existed. No, they did. Oh, right. Yes, they did.

What do you mean? Don't say they didn't exist then. Some people say they didn't exist. That's my favorite dinosaur. Well, a lot of people say they don't exist. Well, actually, they're not dinosaurs. They're pterosaurs. It's two different things.

I'm about to nerd alert. Come on. Good God. But them being pterosaurs, matches, loosely matches, descriptions of the bat-like wings, the scaly skin, and the long tail, Ken Gachat, an expert on big birds, theorizes that a group of these animals could populate remote parts of Mexico's unexplored mountains, or the marshes and jungles of Central America, and for reasons unknown, these animals may periodically migrate or roam the Americas.

So this guy, he's an expert on big birds. Big birds. I would love to see if somebody presented him with a tiny bird. He's like, I get that squirrel out of here. I have no idea what the hell that thing is. I do big birds. Now, here's where we're going to blow open. Here's where the whole ball game's going to explode.

One researcher, Jonathan Wickholm, he uses the pterosaur theory to refute the general theory of evolution. And this is the problem. So once we start pulling threads, and the whole thing comes apart, all in one fucking, all in one nine-year-old boy getting raped by a pig bat, I think that that's the science's fragile. He says, quote, one reason people believe in the general theory of evolution is because of continual one-sided declarations that dinosaurs and pterosaurs are examples of primitive life that is forever gone.

And the existence of living pterosaurs is more harmonious to a belief in a creative God than it is an accidental evolution of microbes into the life that is now on the planet. Go fuck yourself. There we go. And it makes a good point, though. He's also the only man in the world who watches Sesame Street and is, like, filled with rage. He's going, like, you see what I'm saying? You've got grouches and you've got big birds.

And if you tell me for one second that there is not a God in the sky who is making these, look at this, these are creatures that they've just filmed. And they'll be on television next to children. Yeah. He said I have to prove his theory true. We're letting these fucking monsters teach our children the alphabet and it's not even the right alphabet. It's not the right alphabet.

I know the right alphabet. I think when we start looking at the letters, if we start looking at the research and we look at the letters and we know that there are several letters in between D and E, that the government hasn't been hiding from us. Well, it is. There is a theory that the 26 letters of the alphabet don't do this. Don't do this. Not now. So we'll save that for a later episode.

So his evidence, he went out to Papua New Guinea, which is a site of many big bird sightings to look for evidence. And he got a testimony from a school teacher named Eunice who described, yeah, Eunice, you got a school marm named Eunice. I love her. You got to trust her. Oh, she's sweet. I can already see her shape in my mind.

She described and attempted grave robbery by one of the creatures known by the natives in Papua New Guinea as the roping. One night in April of 1993, near the northwest coast of Mblah Island, after a large funeral procession arrived at the burial location, a creature with a glowing red tail came from the sea, and about 200 mourners were awake when the creature flew overhead. The villagers banged, pats, and yelled, whereupon the intruder flew into a nearby swamp, and the light disappeared.

Oh, cool. This all sounds like, what was the name of the sonics sidekick? Tails. Tails. Or knuckles. Knuckles, I don't know. Knuckles and tails, those were his two sidekicks? Which one was the gay one?

Knuckles. Tails. Tails was a girl. No, Tails was a boy. Was he? But two men also saw the roping clinging to the side of a tree, and it almost looked like a boy climbing up a coconut tree. And according to Wickham, who has never actually seen a roping himself,

the creature has a wingspan of 15 meters with an inflexible tail, some seven or eight meters long. The creature is featherless, has a large headcrest, and is bioluminescent, glowing eerily as it sails through the night sky. Now let's bring some actual science into this. Sure. So in Wickham, the conclusion is unmistakable. He said that I went unmistakable.

Yeah, you can. Yeah, no way. He said that eyewitness evidence indicates a giant ramphorokinachoid. A ramphoinkinachoid? Ramphorokinoid. We'll call it a ramphorokinoid. It's a big bird. It's a real big bird.

It's a real big bird. It's a real big bird. He says that that pterosaur has an established presence in the Southwest Pacific. Those pterosaurs were among the first pterosaurs to have appeared. They had an 11-foot wingspan, and they were a part of the Triassic period, which was admittedly about 210 million years ago. Cool. I mean, I want this guy to be right.

Yeah, so these pterosaurs have apparently been hiding out in Papua New Guinea for the last 210 million years, apparently sidestepping all other evolution. Like whitey bulger? Yeah, like whitey bulger. Like a mafia man. There's like, oh, we better go to Papua New Guinea, hide out for a couple million years, let the heat die down.

I just want to say, if there are any of these pterosaurs left, we should probably get them and start killing them and grinding their bones, because you know that bone powder is going to make you real hard. Like goatweed? Only the crest. You've got to grind down the crest. It's all about the horn. That would be a reason that men would kill an animal like an entire species.

It gets big. They add the rhinoceros, the white rhinoceros. They're gone because of boners. Because of boners, yeah. Or because lack of, really. If you can't get a boner, you don't deserve to get one, and you shouldn't scientifically use any pills to achieve erection. That's what I mean.

So you're saying that it's God's will that you don't have a boner? If you can't get a boner, you don't deserve one. Okay. Sure. Sure. That's what I'm saying. The next up is the Ogopogo. Now, the Ogopogo is a fun little creature that is a more dangerous version of the Loch Ness

Monster. Yes, a much more dangerous version. Which is really strange because it's Canadian. Yeah. So I thought it would be nicer than the other creatures, but it's not. God no. In fact, it has its own little theme song. It gets its name from the Ogopogo, the Funny Foxtrot by Cumberland Clark and Mark Strong.

Yeah, it's a 1924 English music hall song that was written specifically to beat your family too. Alright, so you want to play a little bit of the song? Yeah, let's play a little bit of the song. This is by the Paul Whiteman Orchestra. Whiteman. A whole black orchestra. Yeah.

And let's hear a little bit of the Ogopogo. It's actually good. Yeah, it's great. It's really fun. It's a really fun song. It's like a song that should always be playing in the background of a haunted hotel. A haunted hotel or just if you're watching random war footage on your computer at home alone.

I don't even know why you began. So the Ogopogo, it was a cryptid lake monster. Why was it called that? Do we know why? It was because the Pogo Stick was a popular craze around the time. Yeah, the Pogo Stick came out around 1921 and the song the Ogopogo was actually not about the lake monster at all. If you listen to the lyrics, it says it was a little man from Hindustan.

It's kind of about more of a Pukwajee. Oh, Pukwajee. Yeah, but it's more of a Pukwajee from out in India. But it was very popular at the time and someone was like, ah, fuck it, Ogopogo. That sounds good when I saw that big monster. That's a new craze and it's always going to be the craze. Pogo is going to be able to take over the castle and the car will take over the horse. Pogo is the only way to travel and that's what everyone's going to do in the whole future.

Everything's going to be Pogo Lane on the highway. I love that. I tried to Pogo Stick a couple of times. I couldn't do it. You know what I couldn't do? Go forward. I could go back. I would always go backwards on it.

I would always go back, yeah, because you're just pulling on it. You got to practice more. I'm pretty good with Pogo Stick myself. Well, it's a pretty good skill to have. I guess it is. It must be. Yeah, it's working out great for everybody. So Ogopogo was allegedly seen by the First Nations people since the 19th century,

at least as far as we know. They believe that the small barren island known as Rattlesnake Island is the home of the Okanagan Lake Monster. And there are pictographs that some feel depict the monster near the headwaters of Powers Creek. And other references, other Native American references include the Chinook Wicked One and the Great Beast on the Lake. And he's also sometimes called the Snake in the Lake.

Snake in the Lake. Yeah. Snake in the Lake. What happens when I swim with no boxes on? Yeah. Snake in the Lake. It seems like a real creepy uncle game. Let's go play Snake in the Lake.

Hey, little Benny, when you come off my house, I'm playing Snake in the Lake. Yeah, yeah. How do I play? Another game I like to play is called Dragon in the Bush. Oh, I love dragons. So the Native Americans, the First Nations people, they claimed that the rocky beaches were sometimes covered with the parts of the animals that the monster had ravaged.

And while crossing the lake during bad weather, the Indians always carried a small animal that they would toss overboard in the middle of the lake to appease the monster. So British cryptozoologist Carl Shuker, he categorized the Ogopogo as a mini-hump variety of lake monster and suggested it may be a kind of primitive serpentine whale such as the Bacillosaurus.

It's much like the Loch Ness Monster, how they say that he's a kind of plesiosaur. This is more of a serpent-like creature. He's usually described as being one to two feet in diameter, a length of about 15 to 20 feet. The head has been described variously as horse or goat-like. Oh, this was the thing that Rape told his mother. It made him.

Oh, yeah, I think that is right. I've heard that story before. Yeah, and of course the Europeans, when they went into the area, they kind of picked up the Native American tradition of offering an animal to appease the Ogopogo when they went across the lake. Charlotte, I'm sorry, Charlotte, but you're going to have to offer your shitsuit.

Oh, don't feed the dog. No, not the shitsuit! Not lollipop! Oh, don't give it to the creature! 1914, a bunch of Indians, Nicola Valley and West Bank Indians, they discovered the decomposing body of an unidentified creature from Rattlesnake Island. They said it was five to six feet long.

Danny DeVito! It was 400 pounds. Danny DeVito! He weighs like a buck fifty at most. And they said it was blue-grey, had a tail and flippers, and an amateur naturalist in the area felt that it was a gigantic manatee. About how big are manatees, Henry?

You lived in Florida? Yeah, eight to nine. One's long. It's a manatee. Henry, how big are you? I'm probably the exact size of a manatee. Really? But less dense. Very dense creatures.

Cute, smelly, though. Oh, yeah. And some people, of course, hypothesized that this was an ogopogo. But in 1926, four years before the first official Nessie sighting, by the way, some people were said to... 30 people were said to have seen the ogopogo

in the beach. And in 1947, a bunch of boaters all saw the monster at the same time. One witness, a Mr. Cray, described the animal as having, quote, a long, sinuous body, 30 feet in length, consisting of about five undulations, apparently separated from each other

by about a two-foot space in which that part of the undulations would have been underwater. There appeared to be a forked tail of which only one half came above the water, and from time to time, the whole thing submerged and came up again. I believe that there's something to a lot of this.

It's strange. Things break through and create an impression on our reality, and maybe that's one of them. Maybe it's just what happens. You see a thing, and that's how your brain interprets it. Some people would see an alien, some people would see something else,

and this is just kind of a weird reality anomaly, and that's just how our brains deal with it. It sounds like a super-fun little creature. I want all these creatures to be real. I wouldn't say that. Absolutely. There was another study in 1959. In 1989, a man named Ken Chaplin took a video of what he thought was

ogopogo. Wait, what's that mean? Ogopogo. Yeah, ogopogo, yeah. He took a picture of what he thought was ogopogo and sent it into unsolved mysteries who surmised that the picture was of a beaver. Where's Robert Stack?

He's a beaver expert. Yeah, he looks at it and he's like, this is no beaver like I like. This is a woodland beaver. That's sad for this poor guy. But Ernie Gruz says, I've seen a lot of animals swimming in the wild, and what we saw that night

was definitely not a beaver. It ain't no beaver. It ain't no goddamn beaver. I know a beaver. I've seen a beaver by wife. That's how my thought process works. It's very to a beaver. I wouldn't know what a beaver was. I have sex with this beaver

three to four times a week trying to make a child. That's great. That's how I deduce what anything is. I look at a computer. My first thought is that ain't a beaver. I whittle it, not a person, and I go, not a stereo, and then I get it all the way down to a computer.

So this man's in good company, though. There's been over 200 sightings by credible people, including a priest. Oh, nothing more credible than a priest. A surgeon? Yeah, absolutely, because he kept trying to grab its tail and suck on it, but he couldn't get ahold of it. There was a surgeon that saw him,

police officers, and a sea captain. Who would know? I can't see. All these people are reliable. The only other thing else they need is, like, a gypsy woman. Right. Are there any more Irish bartender

than a fucking U.S. fucking senator get me fucking started? Yeah. There are no more alcoholic professions than those four professions. Cop, semen, priest. Surgeon? Surgeons are terrible drunks. Something's got to drink enough to steady the hand.

That's true, yeah. So let's wrap all this up with the Dover demon otherwise known as the Manageshi. They believe that the Dover demon is a tiny, little, semi-humanoid being, what is sextactilis?

Sextactilis? Oh, with no sex. It's weirdly in between. He's a semi-humanoid. It's this very thin, lanky arms and orange in color. And the Manageshi, they are considered to be a trickster

people in Cree folklore. And they said they have big heads and no nose. A big-headed, no-nose creature? Yeah. Terrifying. So the Manageshi, the little people as they're called, they're said to live between rocks and the rapids.

And one of their biggest delights is to crawl out of the rocks and capsize the canoes of people canoeing through the rapids, spinning them to their deaths. Oh, got you. Get their sandwiches. What was that Disney movie about this, right?

The little guys, the Disney movie with the fella there and everyone, they're all running around. The fella. Dislickable me. No, it's an older one. No, for like the 70s or the 60s, I think Hans Christian Anderson is a part of it. Are you thinking of the Lilliputs? The Lilliputs, gullible travels.

There we go, sure. And it's said that they have six fingers on each hand. And others say that they have no mouth. And they're mostly aquatic-based cryptids and they spend most of their time in dams and the rivers, much like beavers. How do they eat?

Are these beavers? Are we talking about beavers again? I think this whole episode should actually just be entitled Beavers. Do you think it's beavers? That ain't a beaver. And they have a very peculiar method of breathing. They absorb oxygen through the water

in its skin. So water comes under the skin, they absorb the oxygen. There's also many theories that where aliens could hide more often and stealthily is in the water. And what do these things sound like when you describe them?

They sound like little grays. Sounds like the same fucking thing again. And again, I'm starting to get mad how many similarities there are. Not only that, but they also are said to communicate via telepathy, which is another similarity to the grays. The description of them said that they're very

hairy beings with a narrow face with, quote, the wine of a dragonfly. Again, it's just Greeks. Yeah, they said that they'll help you if you give them gifts such as tobacco. They just smoke constantly under the sea? Give them a pack of smokes. Maybe Armenians.

Seems more Armenian. There's no doubt about that. So where the Dover Demon comes into it, the Dover Demon was cited on three occasions. It's got to be pronounced correctly. It's the Dover Demon. I don't know.

Every time. If I ever have a turtle head or anything like that, when the poop goes out a little bit then it goes back in. That's the Dover Demon. I'm calling that a Dover Demon from now on. So on April 21st and April 22nd, 1977, the Dover Demon

was spotted three times. They originally brought in crypto zoologist Lauren Coleman as the initial investigator. The Dover Demon was the name that was disseminated by the press. The name stuck

and Coleman couldn't handle it himself, naturally. So he brought in three other investigators, Joseph Nyman, Ed Fogg, and Walter Webb. Now these people were credible. Webb himself, he was the assistant director of the Hayden Planetarium

at Boston Science Museum. So the first sighting was the Bartlett sighting. Three 17-year-old boys were driving through Massachusetts when the car's headlights caught the tiny little man running across the road.

Now because they're from Boston, they stopped to go beat it to death, right? Of course, naturally. At first they thought it was a dog or a cat, but upon closer inspection they realized that it was a bizarre, unearthly looking creature crawling along a stone wall.

So they continued to watch the creature and they reported it to have disproportionately large, disproportionately large, watermelon-shaped head and illuminated orange eyes like glass marbles. Hairless, rough, flesh-toned skin, tan, and sandpaper-like,

the creature's appearance was plain, no nose or ears, and no mouth. Just big, orange, marble eyes. Down syndrome. Can you please bring me to the mall so that I can get a makeover?

That's your thing, Dover Damon. They just went to the mall and drew lips and eyes off of it. I gave it a shout out and it's like, am I beautiful now? I had to say this, Dover Damon, but you are still pretty frightening. Cute though, much better looking. Other witnesses say that the creature had

green eyes and seemingly smooth, chalky, grey-toned skin about three feet tall and made a blood curdling noise similar to a hawk screech combined with a snake's hiss. But you also, people talk about that too with skinwalker logic as well,

is that a lot of times someone will see what they'll say is that when a skinwalker's in form there's like a mental confusion where some people will see a coyote and some people will see like a mixture of something else and some will see a person or it's like maybe whatever it's poking through is going to appear to you

as ever you wanted to and you're going to color it in your brain. Whatever color you want it. And some people also say that that is something that also happens with alien abductions. That some people see aliens, some people see angels, some people see demons.

I want to see like hamburgers. Of course you will. You're going to eat them and then they're inside of you. You will. When the five dimensional beings do make contact with you you will see hamburgers. I'm going to be the one that gets made contact with. Out of the three of us

the five dimensional beings are going to contact you. Yeah, you don't have to go so far down to the earth with the light. So I am saving energy here people. So the creature was sighted about an hour later by these two kids 15 year old John Baxter

and 13 year old Pete Mitchell as they were walking home. They said that it ended up running into a gully, standing next to a tree and then darting out into the wilderness and the third sighting was the next day Abby Brabham 15. I'm sorry, hold on. Blabham? Open Brabham was at least a beautiful girl.

Hopefully she was beautiful. Let's say Abby Brabham. Brabham? Brabham. Yeah, and Will Train Tor. Yeah. It called me Train Tor. Yeah, you could pull that one off. They claim to have seen a similar looking creature

on the side of the road and Brabham's description matched Bartlett's and Baxter's description except this time the cryptid had illuminated green eyes instead of orange ones. She approximated the height to quote about the size of a goat

and investigators attempted to shake her up by noting that she said that it had green eyes reflected by car headlights while Bartlett mentioned that orange eyes were reflected back to Hamby's automobiles life but Brabham was steadfast in her description

and all of the kids drew sketches of the monstrous side shortly after and on the piece of paper that included Bartlett's sketch he wrote, I, Bill Bartlett swear on a stack of bibles that I saw this creature or it just turned out to be a young Ross Perot.

Yeah, it could be. Meanwhile, everyone's just getting put in cement shoes and being drowned in the river there by the mob but the cops are investigating the eye color of the fucking whatever monster we're talking about right now. And that's what we got for this week.

And so Native Americans they see a lot of shit. They do. They got great chanting music. I love Bison. I've had that. I've had a Bison burger before really good. I can see why they hunted the shit out of those fuckers.

Well they were very good about the conservation of the Bison and there was us who came in and hunted them to extinction. Whoever got me the burgers is who I'm happy with. I refuse to eat Bison. I don't know why.

I feel guilty about it. It's delicious. I don't want to eat pig. I need a pig bat though. Oh my god, pig bat burger. Pig bat? It would be fun to go catch one too because then you get your exercise in

and you eat weird. Henry, we should do an entire last podcast just on Henry's diet. I literally had a bone marrow pie last night. How does that even work? How do you get bone marrow? How much bone marrow fills the pie?

It is literally just how many fucking bones they creaked and cracked to get all the fucking in our bones this sweet delicious butter. You just crack our bones and you suck on the bones. The way you're talking right now is really quite disturbing.

I feel like we are Bill Cosby's victim and we just had the sip of coffee that's been drugged. You know what my favorite flavor of pudding pop is? It's chocolate. You want to come over here? I got a chocolate-favorite pudding pop

inside my penis. Oh, it's penis. Yes, that's it. It's very... And why wouldn't you? I do too. All right, yeah. It's really terrible what he did to those women.

Yes, it's very terrible what he did to those women and it's quite awful. And I'd also like to say that I do it. You know, I'll kidnasside. I have the utmost respect for the Native American people. Oh, yeah, they're great. Yeah. After everything, yeah.

No, the Native American where people they have a rich culture and I'm sure in their own language they're fantastic storytellers and whatever language they try to speak. Henry was referencing Chief Dan. He wasn't a Native American.

Dan and his buddy Chief Barney and they're just hanging out just drinking fucking steel reserves. Yeah, Chief Dan runs too late to work for the 7-Eleven. I mean, it's like pathetic. The reservations do need help. Yes, they do. Yes, they need

a lot of help. But yeah, that's our Native American episode. Don't forget to cave comedy radio. Don't forget to go to cavecomedyradio.com slash last podcast on the left and get your last podcast on the left t-shirt, $25 domestic, $40

international. And if you're really good at cutting up shirts, make one for your dog. Yeah. I would love to see a dog in this shirt. Yeah, make one for your dog. And of course, go to iTunes and rate and review the podcast.

We've been steady in the top. You said rate, right? Rate, with a T. With a hard T. Well, you can't Cosby all over a podcast. How would you even do that? Cosby has five stars. That'd be great. Hard T. What if we start changing the word rate for Cosby? And so you're saying Cosby? Cosbeater?

Yeah. A date Cosby? I guess it could work. I don't know. Why don't you try it out in LA, float it out there and fly here in New York City. That sounds great. All right. Yeah. How's LA going, Henry? The fans want to know. It's whatever. Perfect.

And of course, as we said last week, if you think that you are about to hurt yourself or somebody else, please get help as soon as you possibly can. Don't be a fucking loser and do it yourself. Don't do it.

Go get some help. Go tell somebody. No matter what. Tell them. Please. All right. Hail yourselves, everybody. Eat some food. Hail me. Oh, my blood is thick with bone marrow. That's so gross.

Bone marrow pie. It sounds like something that a Skeletor would order. It really does. Yeah, that's a super. That's a supervillain's meal, Henry. It's meat jelly. It's not. It's so gross. Oh, God. It puts hair on your back. Yeah. And you don't need any more of that.

No, you are covered in it. Yeah, Henry, they have to shave a neckline for you. Have I shown you this? How hair is now growing from my belly to my back from my side? You've got rib hair? Look at it. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yes, I can confirm.

He has rib hair. It looks like his back hair is reaching over to his belly as if it's an old friend that he's long forgotten. Get a little hug from his hair. Oh, God. That's great. It only makes me softer. Yeah, I bet it does.

All right, everyone. We'll talk to you soon. All right. My goos-tillations. Thank you for watching.