Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 164: Playing with the Dead

Episode Date: March 5, 2015

Whether you like to use them as Google or a variation on the Fleshlight, the dead are at your disposal on this episode of Last Podcast. It's necromancy, necrophilia, and the connection between the two.

There's no place to escape to this is the last time on the left That's when the cannibalism started So my grandmother's corpse and it was fun to see I thought they burned her they burned her they burned her now I don't stop you from looking at it though, you know, it's weird about ashes human ashes is that they are so dry You know cuz I had a bunch of spaghetti that I had I was got weird mom My mom was making spaghetti and she's like you want some parmesan And I was like of course mom and then she took out the box on my grandmother's ashes and she's just like let's make her own

Parmesan I was like what was that mom and then she dumped a bunch of my grandmother's ashes all over the spaghetti then we just ate it It's just so dry It was a fun time, you know, yeah, it sounds great. Yeah, absolutely There's something about death that really brings the best out of everybody absolutely we laughed a lot that's so fun Well, I'm what I'm happy that you enjoyed your grandmother's funeral It sounds like you might have had a little bit too much of a good time My problem is is that I mean I was the one to serve, you know, supervise the corpse because it's she was a bit

I was a bit of a vampire and so I made sure we put her in a silver spittooned Sarcophagus And then I chopped up her head with a shovel and I stuffed with a bunch of garlic cloves in there And I set it on fire outside in front of her house on a grill. Mm-hmm. That sounds very good And then the family ate your grandmother Absolutely because then we had to burn the whole corpse live and then you eat they then we use the thing for Parmesan spaghetti, so yes, yes, yes, I'm very sad. I'm very sad. All right I got to it. Well, it's better than having sex with the corpse of I guess that's a welcome to the show

That's Marcus Parks. I've been kiss'll we're joined by the not nearly grieving enough Henry's a browse I bet he's lost his grandmother saying she's just not as she was not necessarily a very fun woman. She is dead now Yeah, she's dead right now. Yeah, and she's making a fucking pain in the ass for for James Gandolfini right now I'm probably Negative about his life. I did I get addicted to heroin it had he known he was gonna meet Grandma Zabrowski He would have never never started the habit. No, no, no He would have started going to the gym start doing some pull-ups of some crunches He really could get that blood pressure down today. We're gonna be talking about necromancy

Necrophilia yes, so look at a corpse and they say oh, that's just something to be buried in the ground But some people look at a corpse and they see nothing but possibilities absolutely Yeah, because it's like in necromancy people in necromancy necrophilia Basically, we're looking at if you decide to treat a body a human corpse like it was either Google or Like it was a flashlight And we're calling today's episode last podcast and left plays with the dead We please get a creepy J noises. We're playing with the dead. I will say this Number one the only way you are allowed to listen to this episode

I don't care if you're at your office or if you're in your home You must go to a Spencer's gifts and you must buy at least one or two plastic skulls First and then well, you know back to 1995 when Spencer's gifts were still around and also you cannot You cannot listen to this episode unless you are fully nude wearing a Executioners club. So what is the difference between how you start a lot of these shows and that on the movie compliance? When the man calls up the random burger joint and forces the person to sexually assault one of his employees Cuz I don't get to see what you do and compliance. He got to see See the tapes

I just have to imagine it the problem is that the way my brain works. It's always the worst possible thing It's like I always want to see a lie the voluptuous woman, but it's always some fat man Yeah, I mean, it's gonna be our audience that you are requesting to get naked We're not talking to young Sophia Lorenz out there. Although you are all very beautiful people They're seriously the women are beautiful The problem is is that they won't do the naked thing at the work But a guy named like splarsh will do it at his office. Well naturally, of course Well, he has a startup in Silicon Valley splarsh is the multi-billionaire right now in the war

So necromancy is one of the most forbidden of the dark arts. Oh, yes It is said to be the most dangerous and one of the most difficult of the dark arts Let's start off with a definition in case you don't know exactly what necromancy is because Necromancy is a form of magic involving communication with the deceased either by summoning their spirit or as an apparition or raising them Physically so it isn't necessarily raising the dead Having them walk around doing what you will with so as one very was one necromancer youtuber said it's like it's like a medium Could be called a necromancer if that's the term of the week. You want to use that's what he was

He was being very cool. He had a headset on What was he listening to in that head? I don't know by the way And so how far does it how many rituals do you have to perform before you just start looking at the person's genitalia? And you're just like, oh, maybe I'll wiggle it. Maybe I'll just wiggle that like you do the sage I think it's real early in. Oh, okay No, so you have that you have the intention going in that you're gonna wiggle it around You're gonna be done. I mean, let's just say it. You got a dead body. You might as well braid the pubic hair For the first 15 minutes

But necromancy because that's actually I wasn't clear on it because Marcus was like I want to do an episode of necromancy And I was like, okay. Well, what technically is necromancy and it's interesting The idea is that you use like normal in normal magic a normal normal black ritual black magic rituals What you do is you create like a magic circle and you use sigils and you try to basically put your will upon the universe Or possibly join your will to the universe's will blah blah blah. You try to get Jenny to love you in math Absolutely try to get out of like, you know, whatever court trouble you're in sure Maybe if I just yeah if I make a sigil and I put a bunch of Budweiser on there, maybe my DUI will go away You know, yeah, and absolutely and just something with you

But we find out the only way to make a DUI go away is you just got a you're a walker now You're a walker. You're a bit of a jogger. I I So but necromancy is is a type of magic where you basically use spirits and you ask spirits to either give you powers or Do shit for you. Yeah, but the problem is is that the reason why necromancy is so dangerous is because in order to do it Basically, you have to die what they say is that the commanders use all this magic They go to the realm of the dead. They fish up some ghosts. Just like Yeah, they got a bite yeah a big one

Yeah, they pull them out of the boat, but the problem is is getting rid of them because they use our energy To feed on themselves and this is all again saying if this is real so and of course for the sake of this podcast It is so you fish out a ghost but unlike fishing out of fish the ghost eats you you don't eat the fish You eat it, but hopefully while it's eating you you're getting all their shit from it So really being a spirit being a specter being a ghost is exhausting Yeah, well another some of the other reasons for Divining the dead for summoning the dead is to possibly ask them about future events How would they know anything about future events because the dead possessed knowledge that we do not possess

But then we'll also find out that like aliens sometimes the dead lie and that winner where the fuck you then Wow, how much money you spent on black candles you had to go down to the smelting house and get yourself a crooked dagger How much that costs on eBay? It's a crooked daggers are going for $5.99 You can't believe it Wasting all this money just to have a ghost show up and be like I think Hillary Clinton's gonna fart next week Thanks Demetrius from fucking level nine Demetrius the lying ghost

Well early necromancy was related to and most likely evolved from shamanism Which that is calling upon the spirits of ancestors Classical necromancers addressed the dead in quote a mixture of high-pitched squeaking and low droning And I do have Bible evidence for this. This is okay, and there's nothing more reliable than the Bible Oh, absolutely. The Bible mentions necromancers. I think about 14 or 15 times by name I will answer my grandfather. Oh, she's to call fucking David Copperfield a necromancer You know to this point your grandfather has yet not to be proven wrong, but I feel like necromancy Yeah, you call anybody a necromancer. I think that's gonna be a good new insult to be like

I love you goddamn necromancer. This is from the Bible Isaiah 819 and When they say to you inquire of the mediums and the necromancers who chirp and mutter should not a people inquire of their God Should they inquire of the dead on behalf of the living? The answer is no And this is before you know nowadays we have a very high Standards of embalming and things like that but back in the day these people were just really having sex with rotten corpses Oh, absolutely pretty much immediately. Well, we're gonna cover right now. They weren't even having sex with the corpses Okay, this is this is that this is the time before having sex with the corpus This is a spiritual connection they have with that. Yeah, they were just yelling at a dead bot

Right, there's yelling and waving a wand over just a body sitting a pile of sand high-pitched squeaking and load droning It's legitimately sitting and going It's so weird this fucking body is not giving me the safe numbers to the Bank of America It's insane. I guess the heist is canceled You should never get a necromancer to be the lead of our heist team. I want Debbie to marry me No, let me first let me conjure up a spirit Oh, well during the process of my necromancing I seem to have Sharted my robe. I thought you were gonna say I thought you were gonna say live lived a life of loneliness

What if the two as we said earlier is that it is very dangerous And if you go on the internet looking for information on necromancy most of them tell you do not do it It is the most dangerous black art that you can do but if you do not do it or happen to be curious Yeah, there are several YouTube channels that will get you very thorough disguise like a very thorough instructions I was utterly confused and there was these people are intense with their necromancy Well, let me alleviate that confusion Ben for I found user named old timers on the occult corpus message board This is what they said they said if you want to do necromancy. Here's what you need to do You want a word to look up you start with?

Catabases it's high necromancy if you do it you talk to the veil Oh course learning to control karma key learn the crown of fire meditation invocation so you can turn it into the death shroud So you know to those you can learn in the afterlife and I'm a key user. I'm not a ritualist I don't use robes or salt or anything like that I only have like three weapons forged or reworked to harm and kill shades and provide basic protections and the key words here Or the belong which is Jaguar's Mayan Raphael Psycho pump healer a pillion death god Gotta get into him Greek necromancy That's that's the hardest form of necromancy to understand and it's because it's legitimately all Greek to me

Milk and honey and water the dead enjoy these find out why so this was the guy at Thanksgiving Where everyone pretends like they're gonna go home, so he leaves and then they all come back and he's still Basically, there's two sub branches Well, this is actually the we're gonna get back a day Yeah, that's not him saying that but yeah user old-timer remember milk honey and water the dead enjoy these you find out why yeah It's on you to find out why and I tell you why it is is because they have a sore throat Oh because because Craig keeps breaking a morgan force fucking the throat all these corpses What's the worst part of being a ghost getting your throat?

I think it's gotta be when when the orderlies come in and face rape me Oh, I thought I was gonna be hanging out with Michael Jackson Yeah, and dancing to harpsichord music by fucking Beethoven, but instead I keep getting mouth fuck Yeah, you went to deep throat heaven, so that's not very good You sound like Sasha Gray after a long day of work So basically there are two sub branches of necromancy. There's regular necromancy and necromancy light Oh, I love only 50% of the calories of normal necromancy is when which you call up the spirit of the deceased And then there's infernal necromancy in which you return the deceased spirit to whatever is left of the body

Oh, one of them one of them is simple let's say like mediums, you know spirit mediums and the other is going and Physically digging up the corpse and returning the spirit to the body so you can have a conversation with it So the spirit just like says says goodbye to its ghost roommates like see in a couple hours and he just comes back He's just like you wouldn't believe what they did to me. I gotta tell you man. It is rough being single as a ghost That's why I got to get married. I got I got to find somebody special because I just can't handle the scene anymore There's all these guys with neckbeards trying to rape No, it's it's also it's very interesting I also feel like there's a difference between like regular necromancy is like people that like who do like a

CSA that gets delivered to their house and infernal necromancy is like I'll make my own jelly Yeah, right you can just go buy some of the story, you know, I like to make it cuz it's hard and it takes hours to make the jelly Like people who make their own barbecue sauce. Oh, yeah, yeah people with hours to spend doing nothing but pickling Those are the people who dig up all the fucking corpse and try to shove a ghost back inside of it They're already good at pickling might as well. Well, there are a lot of different motives for necromancy Some people conjure spirits out of affection for a loved one that the sorcerer may miss What is the difference here as far as conjuring? What's the difference between like a seance and something with necromancy? It's it is that is a hazy line. Yeah. Yeah, pretty hazy line. You could say that a seance is

The regular necromancy. Okay. Yeah, there's also people that want to conjure up the spirits for arcane or secret knowledge That only the dead are said to possess. Yeah, like what a casket smells like yeah And what and what what heaven what they're hors d'oeuvres in heaven. I hope it's mmm TGI Friday double baked potatoes Say the most common reason or at least way back in the day is treasure hunting Because magicians believed that the dead of course had the secret knowledge that the living did not possess right They knew all the secrets of say A Spanish silver, but that's why we're gonna who we're gonna get to a man named ea cating and runs a website called become a living

God calm and he talks about but basically an eternal the idea of just definition of being a god you use necromancy in order to Know all be all and see y'all I would say the person who's trying to summon a ghost or summon a spirit for the for for Information on where silver is isn't educated enough to even out of all the questions in the world You're just like where where is the silver at? Where's all this? I'm duck it's at and all it's things to know all it takes is cousin Randy with a sheet over his head I'm not being like it's in your cousin Randy's asshole It is like that goes pranking me

I mean take a metal detector and go out to the beach and find it like everybody else is a future millionaire a Necromancy was most effective in the year following the subject's death. Yeah has to be within the first 12 months Yeah, it has to be within the first 12 months after that reaching the spirit was either it's considered to be extremely difficult if not Impossible and it said that these ceremonies could carry on for hours days sometimes Weeks leading up to the eventual summoning of the spirit Is that just because like they're waiting in line to get into heaven or hell and they're just like well I got about a year to wait here. They talk about that take one year. What's the logic behind that? It's because it is another arbitrary rule that old-timey magicians do just to keep people

It's just like well you got about a year, you know, like you just like they have to say that Oh, yeah, just to give it some sort of parameter. Right, right, right So the preferred spots for Necromancy were Underground vaults hung with black cloth and lit with torches or a forest Glen where privacy could be expected of course Crossyards also very popular as were ruined castles Abbey's Monastery's churches and of course Graveyard so anywhere like this in price was possibly a real estate agent Exactly. I was like who's coming to the it's with the cobwebs dwell I'm just looking for a nice two-bedroom for my

Look, I have a bone staff. It's a bone You see my mortician's cap look it's got a half bath. Uh-huh that is lovely It's especially good for one. Would you have a wife? Yes, especially good for couples and then we have here Oh, this is where I put my cauldron. Well, we're looking to rent Yeah, we're not here to buy so we're just gonna go lovely to meet you. Here's my card It's made out of flesh in blood Start the car Becky so the best time for Necromancy naturally is between midnight and 1 a.m. Yes The witching hour a full moon is acceptable

Yeah, but the ideal conditions you want to be gay about it If you want to be super gay about it the full moon was acceptable But the ideal conditions were dark and stormy nights as spirits have trouble showing themselves in good weather Yeah, this is so with there used to be an abandoned house in the middle of the woods in Wisconsin where I grew up And we used to go do very similar Weegee board things like that what I'm saying is if you are in high school right now go do these things in the woods because this is the Last time in your life where you're allowed to do it where people won't judge you really really harshly Yeah, because if we as 30 year old men go out and do it now

Yeah, that means we're confirmed loners. Yes, and we got to have sweatpants and they come with like pre Stages on them feel like the same time it could be a good group date with a bunch of people Maybe we go up maybe we'll even propose that all you come up come to New York Last I guess enough we'll go out to a graveyard in Long Island, and we'll just we'll have some beers We'll have some tunes, you know, maybe we'll dance a little bit Maybe I'll disrespect a tombstone that thing's not gonna come back and do nothing to me It's barely it's barely a thing. Whatever bro. Whatever and you know, there's some single people here people here Talking to you right now from last podcast on the left. So ladies come to the graveyard

Graveyard party on graveyard. I really hope it's not just man. You know, this is gonna be a bunch of chicks, man Haha, so cool. Cool. Yeah, nice So as far as the process goes and you two are gonna need to know this process if you're gonna carry out this little field trip Yes In the nine days leading up to the ritual the necromancer and his assistants are required to bring themselves as close to the Shroud of death as they possibly can come they should wear faded and worn clothes stolen from corpses and I'm six foot seven. Well fine was what seven where art? We're gonna have to go to a freak show fucking graveyard outside of some like some weird Florida trailer park down

Terrible and you're also required to recite funeral rites as you put them on for the first time And you are not allowed to remove those that clothing until after the ritual and here's where you're gonna hit your snag You're not allowed to even look at a woman for the nine days leading up You're just saying this is automatically assumed that you would have to be a fucking neck bearded geek breath Right to even do this. And by the way all this information. This is from grim wars from the Middle Ages So it was definitely it's always been a male dominated field necromancer What's a good? What's a good definition of a grimoire for people? Maybe who are lame and well? I would say a good definition of a grimoire

Spellbook yes spellbook a magical a text that has magical spells roars bindings things like that The so you got to wear a corpses suit for nine days nine days look at women not look at women And you can't have any salt because salt off. Yeah, that's what's all yeah, you can eat no meat But dog meat in the world is Happen for dogs are the creatures of Hecate the goddess of ghosts and death to be honest I think I may have sat next to this guy on the subway And in a perversion of the holy communion you can only eat black Unleavened bread and the only drink you're allowed to have is the unfermented juice of the grape grape juice

It's actually pretty good, which is actually kind of risky because it's so hard to get out it stains so thoroughly Right, so you don't want to spill it on that corpses suit You just dug up from the corpse that died about 19 months ago Do not get a white suit from the corpse if you open up the grave and he's wearing a white suit Plus you the next great if you two white suit you'll end up seeing all the smag them on it I love it This is also sort of like the original thrift store just old-timey Middle-Evil medieval Cemetery this is thrifting this is thrifting well the aim of all this is to form a sympathetic bond with the disease

Because it's kind of like dead It's close and then you're supposed to be sympathetic with the with the corpse you took Sympathetic is a different let's sympathetic mean something different psycho it means it's psychically sympathetic Which means basically you set up a vibration in your own mind and in your in your fucking aura Kissles up smirking. I know what you do is you have that fucking because then because the brains are like fucking tuning forks This is how ghosts work right is that we're like tuning forks and sometimes other Energy vibrations match to our own vibration, and then you're connected. That's calling generating sympathy How is being single going? It's been long

Very thorough Really single and you know I do I do want to say right now. I know that we have a lot of listeners out there who practice ritualistic Oh, we are not me. No, we are definitely not me and Henry both practice at practice ritualistic magic. Yes It's very fun. It's like it's I do light ritualistic magic. I definitely know I've created sigils I've done I've done all of that. I've done my own version. I've lit candles. It works. Yeah ritual magic works You can manipulate your reality using purposeful will but the problem is is this is just this is where it gets a little nerdy Yeah, oh, what did you say in the email powerfully nerdy powerfully nerdy? Yeah, and it's good Yeah, these things ground you back in reality, and they're sort of a

They're they're a nice restart for your week. Absolutely, but you could be a modern-day sorcerer Without diddling a Of dead body good. Yeah, that's nice to know So let's get to the night of the ritual the necromancer and his assistants So if you'll notice the necromancer always has Assistants the necromancer and his assistants you enter the graveyard with torches You draw a magical circle around the grave of the one that you would aim to disturb You then set fire to a mixture of henbane hemlock saffron

Allows wood mandrake and opium. I would love to see a press conference with all these guys apologizing for starting the next wildfire in California We did not know that it was gonna be such dry brush out there now This is where it gets fucking really heavy man You zoom the corpse and you lay the head of the corpse to the east with the limbs arranged in the crucifixion And then next to the right hand you place a small dish Which burns with a mixture of wine Mastic and sweet oil and you can take your that corpse's hand and fucking put it in that wall

That is fun that is fun to do the necromancer then touches the corpse with his magic wand Three times and where do you get the magic wand from? You get it from the alley to be honest No, you get you have to make your own wand I have V from Atlanta Sometimes creates wands and she does them very effectively. Okay. Have you gotten one yet? No, I didn't because you cannot ask for one. They have to just be given you have to like find one or make one your own I did not know that's how they go. So it is magical. It seems I'm not gonna do this

You that you touch the corpse with your wand three times and then you cite you a site a conjuration from your grimoire Here's an example by the virtue of the holy resurrection on the agonies of the damned I I conjure and command the spirit of insert your name here Paul Rubin To answer my demands and obey the sacred ceremonies on pain of everlasting torment Berald, Berald, Balmain, Gabe, Amor, Agama, Arise, Arise, I charge and command these And someone bring me my inhaler because I am feeling asthmatic If I was a king you're hired dude. Oh, I would be a great fake wizard. Oh, I love that

There are some variations on on necromancy if the person commits had committed suicide The sorcerer is required to touch the body nine times Instead of just three and you're also required to ask Hecate who is the you know God of God The goal of cheap may the God of cheap Mexican beer You got to ask her where the soul Is located because apparently suicides go to a different place. Yeah, they're in the back They're in the back like the size 38 jeans at fucking J crew Don't even get me started

This is sad the way we treat people who committed suicide post-mortem. They obviously had a tough time on earth They should be or do they go to a better place? No, they do not no Suicides always go to a worse place. Right. I mean, I know you got to discourage the act But at least give them something nice Yeah, you got to discourage it because if they went to a better place then everybody be doing it Well, I don't know man. I just like watching basketball too much That probably is keeping somebody alive. It is absolutely absolutely a lot of people alive, of course. Yeah, sad So if the conjuration worked the spirit will re-enter the body stand up and answer every question that the necromancer asks it

I don't really know the lottery numbers Yeah, I think that maybe I'm the wrong one you have asked the mega millions weren't alive or weren't around when I was alive What is a lottery? What is that? What is what dollars? What are dollars? Come please just let me just let me go back. I mean I was literally just about to get Harriet Tubman to give me the old major down in my my Sickity sack. I would love to hear how hard or not she was to crack I'm sure she was she was stealing with so much shit all the time talking about

Just like I can't trust you you're a white man And I was like I'm different on one of the good ones Well, those things are gonna Harriet's gonna have a long way to go before she can trust a white fellow That's for certain of course and the interrogation is over The sorcerer has to reward the spirit. So you reward the spirit by burning its body Ensuring that it will never be disturbed again. Cool. Yeah, I feel like these ghosts just have a lot of questions Like what's that thing with the lights and the wheels? Yeah, what is that an eye an iPhone? What's an iPhone ghost would have a lot of questions about the world that we currently live in yeah, that's right

So let's go through necromancy throughout the ages Norse wizards were said to be so skilled that they didn't even need to wait until the body was in the grave And could make hanged men still hanging from the gallows Answer their questions about the afterlife. Seriously. Those are like three different like metallica albums like titles Just in that one little paragraph Just the idea of necromancy Norse wizards fucking making hanging from the gallows dancing dancing from the grave Hanged men still hanging Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah hang man answering bullshit

Sounds like it in medieval spain necromancy was taught almost matter of factly in Toledo Seville and Salamanca in deep dark caverns beneath cemeteries and mausoleums also the birthplace of the tapas Oh, I love a good tapas. Yeah, now we mentioned the bible a little bit earlier one of the earliest stories of necromancy comes from the bible Samuel 29 King Saul frightened by the enemy army of the philistines was advised to consult with the woman known As the witch of indoor now that is that a star trek thing as well? Or is that a star wars indoor with star wars star wars? That's where the ewoks live. Oh cool indoor That's so she was just like a tiny fat woman all covered in hair. I think so. Yeah Yeah, typical Italian so Saul went to the witch and summoned the prophet Samuel who told him that he would die the next day

Which he did whoa, don't talk to that ghost ever again. Here's another verse from the bible This is from Leviticus 1931 and remember the same book of the bible that tells us that being gay is a sin Yeah, it was just this is the pat robertson. This is the 700 club bibles. Yeah, this is the yeah, this is leviticus 1931 remember that Do not turn to mediums or necromancers. Do not seek them out and so make yourselves unclean by them I am the lord your god a man or a woman who is a medium or a necromancer shall surely be put to death They shall be stoned with stones. Their blood shall be upon them. I felt really I feel really bad for biblical aragoth Oh, yeah, because again, this is what a haunted community. They didn't ghost ghost and human marriage should be allowed Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, I think they should open that up think about it

Absolutely, you know what the problem is going to be is that ghost human divorce? Oh, that'll be that's why I say let him get married. I said let him get married It's gonna see how much of a punishment is it of itself exactly Well, my wife and kid died in that fire I've really been thinking I've really just been going through a rough time and when the corkscrew factory shut down It's really just been kind of rough and it's it's you have been pretty hard being out here being you know a spider man in time square But I think it's good and I think as long as we can hold to make sure these humans can't marry ghosts I think that we're gonna be okay. I agree. Yeah, the twist off really ruined that corkscrew factory

well Well other cultures actually they use necromancy as a means of seduction Yeah, and according to a greco-egyptian text Here's how you do that first the magician must make a wax doll and stick it with 13 needles Through the eyes ears mouth hands feet stomach brain anus and genitals Crafts were different then Yes pinterest would have been quite quite. Uh, what's the term? McCall you macabre

At sunset the doll is then placed on the grave of the person of a person who had died either In great violence or early on in life. This was done Actually, this is what you want when you're trying to use the dead as a source of energy You want someone who is killed violently or suddenly in an accident because they don't know that they're dead a lot of the times And they're easily accessible. Well, not only that but they also have a lot more life force within them say so Or gone energy or gone energy Exactly so after summoning the corpse the reanimated monster would march to the desired woman's door And bring her hither and bind her and this is what he would say to her

Let her sleep with none other let her have no pleasurable intercourse with another man save with me alone Let her neither eat nor drink nor love nor be strong or well let her have no sleep except with me Oh my I am ben kissle. Oh Well, I love ancient egypt What a time it was for me, but it's also a that's kind of like the the ancient jewish idea of the golem As well where you basically use the dead to uh, I mean in this case, it's be a matchmaker Slash kidnapper. Yeah, sort of yeah So necromancers they also played in the cadaver racket in ancient egypt

Sorcerers would buy bodies from embalmers and keep them on hand for whenever they may be needed You never know you never know you never know you really never know And in the middle ages sorcerers would search grave sites for pieces of corpses Which were thought to have a cult power like stinking so hard it makes all the people leave the room Yeah, sorcerers don't seem quite as like cool as they are now they seem like yeah They're kind of like just like stinky can collectors the big problem with sorcerers back in the day is that they didn't have ed hardy shirts To really show everybody how fucking metal they work. That's true and they didn't have a reality show either No, they didn't have albino contacts that they could put in. Ooh, those are cool. They are pretty dope. Yeah

Now paulis grilandus a 16th century witch judge wrote Some take a small piece of buried corpse especially the corpse of anyone who has been hanged or otherwise suffered a shameful death The nails or teeth the hair ears or eyes sinews bones or flesh and um, they make a chili out of Must be really difficult being a witch judge. Oh, not really. I usually just be like she's a witch There's a witch and then a bunch of guys come and take her out of there. You know, it's actually pretty sweet Pretty sweet deal. No, I do what happens to them afterwards. No idea. I'm someone said they drowned. I'm not really sure I'm too busy inventing this thing called hockey What you do is is it you get a guy set up nuts and some witches nuts

And then you tie him up and then you hit him around with a crooked stick and a bunch of nuts And then I think it's gonna be really great when it gets cold here in 15,000 years. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, I can't wait for that But however most sad after sought after was the flesh of unbaptized babies Isabelle Gowdy a Scottish witch was said to have dug up a freshly buried infant She buried buried it in a farmer's manure pile as a way of putting a curse on him and his crop It's also a really good way of ruining a birthday party. Yeah Yeah Hey, uh, I think someone's putting dead babies in our shit pile again, Susan. I need you to leave my piles of shit alert

All right, this are my special pales of shit It's such a ludicrous way to give you I will put this dead baby in your pile of dung Don't think I will not Necromancy was also sometimes used as a public spectacle in one magical contest contest Roger Bacon A franciscan friar and a pretty famous guy in occult circles and a man named vandermast Germany's most renowned sorcerer faced off during also a karaoke dj Yes to be right Fridays at sing song we got vandermast

Hey guys, don't even think about touching rush because I'm the fucking rush master. All right, you put that on I'm gonna shut you off. All right. I'm gonna play you off Well those days Tom Sawyer I love rush well those two faced off during a festival after bacon burned a village to the ground using his magical burning glasses So he fell asleep drunk Sun hit his glasses just right so vandermast led off by conjuring the spirit of the general pompey But bacon very cleverly Summoned Caesar who in a repeat of their original battle defeated pompey

unimpressed with vandermast Unimpressed with vandermast display. He turned the battle over to his friend fryer bungay now The problem with this thing is that in modern times this is would also be known as a um a set from the comedian uh Oh jeff dunham. This would be a jeff dunham set. Yes in real life He would be your success. These are puppets. Yeah. Yeah. So bungay waved his hand uttered incantations and conjured the tree of hisperides Complete with a dragon. No, he didn't Oh that must have been the town's gossip

These guys seem like unbelievably, uh, I just I feel like they're their feet kick. You know, they seem like funny little feet kicks. Yes, and they're always dancing They kind of float around vandermast in in in Response conjured Hercules in a feat of tree as he had in the story Hmm, but bacon unable to stand by as bungay was losing the content. Sorry bacon I just can't seem to make enough dragon tree. I I just don't maybe I don't have enough juice It's like a pokemon was real and it was to them. This is a good time to live. I mean if you were a man and yeah Bacon waved his wand and stopped Hercules dead in his tracks. I made his pants fall down

He then commanded the mythical figure to carry vandermast home to germany which he did throwing the sorcerer over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes There's just one huge dude to be like, I'm not a mythical fan. I'm just the guy that you got Hey guys, uh, so you guys like stand in front of like the only places that sell our general store and our butcher And like a bank early form of bank. Oh, we have I'm not really sure how to describe it You all just kind of like are getting in my way here, you know doing your fake magic battle and uh, I swear to god I'm about to invent a thing called a wedgie I just thought about it, you know, because uh people got underwear now and he has found a he has found our weakness

We be going now The wedgie is the only way that you can describe the cruelest the cruelest punishment of a necromancer is when a town constable comes and Sticks your head in a in a trough for use for the pigs and swirls your head around I believe it is called a swirl Quite dreaded punishment of the necromancer. It's awful. It's a brutal one. So I know what you're asking Hey guys, I really want to try out some necromancy But I don't want to get my hands dirty. Absolutely. I don't want to go and dig up a corpse because you're a pussy A fucking pussy. Well, it's illegal to do. You're a pussy. Well, you go to prison for it. You want to talk to fucking ghosts

You go to where the ghosts are. It's like having an update and you invite him to your house and you just think Ah, you're not sluts Okay, well, I don't know if that's like that But yeah, so the alternative that you have is a magic hand bell Invinced by the necromancer Gerardius in 1730 who also sounds like a pickup artist. Yes. I'm sure that he was The bell must be cast of an alloy of lead tin iron copper gold silver and mercury So much smelting in these episodes. We have so much a lot of smells. We've been talking about smelting for like five episodes

These weren't easy things to make though, right? But then they realized it's just a bell That's all it does so they had to give a reason to continue making them. You go to the blacksmith Yeah, you go to the blacksmith the local smelter and he'll take care of it for you. It's all a pitch Tell you pitch what the bell is for exactly these metals must be melded quote at the day and hour of the birth of the person Who desires to be in confluence and harmony with the mysterious bell? Cool near the top of the bell The necromancer must engrave the date of his birth and the names of the seven planetary spirits needed to make the Incantation work that's Eritron for Saturn Baythor for jupiter

Thalig for mars Ock for the sun Haggith for venus Ophiel for mercury and fuel for the moon. It's a lot. Yeah Yeah, and again beautiful gift for someone you're searching for a mysterious gift for Preferably someone you just kind of vaguely know at the office. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, this is a real good secret san again Right, and then just go into great detail about what it means and why you guys should go out sometime Go out to Chipotle so take your time

You know, I mean don't get the bill for a long time No, yeah So beneath those names and around the bottom of the bell the sorcerer was to write the ancient Hebrew formula the chetra grammaton It's all in one bell. This is all it's got to be a pretty big bell or you got to write real small No, you're gonna take down bell. I had seen I've seen these necromancer bells before We're really gonna need a solid 10 to 12 gallon bell so 10 to 12 gallon. Yeah, we got we're not gonna get in there Got the smelters fired up. No, you worry about we got you covered, buddy We're gonna get that in a solid nine or nine days

And again you pump out one of these necromancer bells that is not a bad deal at all Well, it does need to be a bell that is small enough to Require a handle because on the handle you have to write the word adonai on one side and jesus on the other I'm giving you a hundred bucks. Why don't you just do all this for me? Can you do that for me? But once the bell was constructed the sorcerer was to wrap the bell in green taffeta And take it to the cemetery where he would bury it for one week The idea was that the bell was to absorb the neighboring corpses emanations and confluent vibrations

Which would give it the quote perpetual quality and efficiency Requisite when you shall ring it for your in god. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like marinating a lamb chop What you want is a solid hour. What you want is a four hour Marinate or in a marinade but what you have to have is is uh is an hour at least one hour But what you really need what you need for the magic bell is one week After a week the necromancer dressed in ceremonial clothing resembling a toga. Now, where did I put that? Where did I put that bell? Oh, where did I? I knew I should have brought my iphone should take a picture. It's like rock in your car in an unfamiliar street

Take a picture where you're parked He would hold the bell in his left hand an apartment with the signs of the seven planets in the right The deceased would hear the sympathetic ringing and be compelled to come forth and answer the summons I'll tell you what man. I'm no ghost. Don't fucking nobody's gonna be ringing a bell for me Like I'm some kind of fucking ghost butler. I don't know no no no no no no no no you make an appointment. You come find me Mm-hmm. Tell me ring a bell like I'm just gonna fucking hop to it. Fuck you man. That's right. That's gmail me That's what I always say shoot me a gmail. So we've been talking about some pretty heavy stuff here We have talking about some super heavy stuff super intense stuff

But before we get to the really heavy stuff, we're gonna take just a moment to hear a word from our sponsor. Yes, indeed All right, wasn't that exciting that was very exciting. It was almost like we pre-recorded it earlier What and what a lucky sponsor they are right in the middle of our necromancy episode Whichever that sponsor was they're gonna be very happy. Be sure to visit freeloot.com slash left put in the code left We've already done. We did it. All right moving on moving on. So let's move on to this youtuber named ea Kating yes, he runs a website called become a living god calm, which is a bit confident Right, I think so, but this is a series of so again. These are modern necromancers Right become a living person outside of your mother's basement. That would be a goal

That should be the goal. You should use some of these spells to maybe get a job outside of the Taco Bell Again, what I like about necromancy specifically is a lot of these guys are it guys at your specific office right now actually Actually ea kating what his day job is carpet cleaner carpet cleaner And I would not trust him that is a very invasive job Oh, I don't want him in every room of the house. He will be it all and so the ea coding kating is He is a self-proclaimed necromancer With a group of guys including who we'll hear from now. We want to show you so

The problem is that Again necromancy Is probably he how do you put it the nerdiest of the magical scientists? It's up there. And so this is kind of evidence of the kind of shit. I've been listening to for the last two days Uh, this is from a what is the series called the most evil grimoire of necromancy? Yes on become a living god now. This is done by a guy who calls himself timothy I don't see this as real name. Why would he make it make up timothy? I don't yeah, because the other ones are named like arias and darksword and like blood angel and so everyone was

They were sitting around a circle and they're like you get to come up with your own name. What do you want to be? I will be Scorsias. Okay. What do you want to be? I will be um dragons helm and you I'm Tim, timothy, timothy, any name any name? Timothy, I'm afraid of getting confused. Okay. Tom is now gonna be timothy everybody Um, so let's say hear from timothy his personal experiences in the world of necromancy. You're not carpet cleaning My path of necromancy. Oh my god

Is that it is the darkest most baneful magic there is there comes a certain point Where demonic ascent ends and necromanic descent begins And while working through that You're inviting these rituals of death into you into your body into your life

In into your loved ones lives And it sparks insanity It there you know, there is a possibility of you even becoming ill. I myself have had my discs and my lower back deteriorate to the point Where they are no longer there. Yeah, and I don't don't think that that's his mountain dew addiction No, that's nothing This guy it would take this guy an hour to read a tweet. How slow does he have to talk? I don't know. He could be a half office chair. Oh, yeah, I'm not really sure We want to play some more from from timothy. Absolutely

this Entire process that I was going through I met a man named john in front of a coffee shop and received a formal initiation into the order of the 13th judgment Which ironically at a starbucks was simply an order devoted entirely to necromancy And they are 100 behind me at this point and they Are one of the few orders that said, you know what this information needs to be out there While working with the order of the 13th judgment

I discovered their secrets of akasha subterfuge and who akasha subterfuge really was The archangel of death magic Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah peeling back the disguises and the masks allowed me to dig further into this dark baneful current While all this is happening I had already received a voodoo initiation And to specifically Haitian vote on Essentially and cool while working with the loa not only were they willing to give me their dark secrets of necromancy into the dead, but they gave me permission to allow those to be

Released 45 minutes of this I'd also like to hear his boss hearing this be like, oh so uh, I guess you may be uh found that uh time uh to be on And uh get the secret initiation into the the 13th order of necromancy when uh, you're a 15 minutes late for your shift at the dare queen Huh interesting 15 minutes late, huh? Like that's gonna be like a professional would do that like a professional necromancer would do that I just want to see like you know like frank the newest manager at starbucks And they're like well when you took on the responsibility of being a manager

That means you have to go kick the two nerds out of the parking lot frank. So yes, you must be a manager Do one more selection from timothy one more selection. Oh more timothy, please is a 200 page grimoire This is him pitching the grimoire that he's selling Did he write it? No, he wrote this grimoire. Well before we play it. He wrote this grimoire. He's selling it in the very beginning He's like you will get um proper initiation Into the ultimate depths of the darkness of madness and also I'll show you a way to get a 50 discount code For the e-book of the grimoire and it was basically him just like sell it's it's 300 dollars

That is insane. I would love to see this. I hear this like uh recorded It would take what do you 24 hours for him to read this book? We need to know lord. Oh lord All right, let's hear the format of the book is a 200 page grimoire It has extremely Good mind altering Massive Total life transformation rituals in it. Yeah, cool. Uh, the lessons in and of themselves are pure

Original Documentation that I received from these spirits timothy, you're awesome. Thank you. I will have stories of both my insanity And how I descended into essentially the underworld and came above a god Is that why you're wearing a creed shirt right now? There will be new Sigils that were never before seen gateways cool things to that nature which

The western necromancer would love to be able to see but what I do is I bring these in and I Show the necromancer or the practitioner how to use these sigils and gateways End their own life. Do you ever play settlers a good tan? But also how to get to the point to where they no longer need those cool You're gonna have some hardcover choices Just a copy of the book

We're gonna have a real leather addition Which is going to include free ritual relics that were made by myself cool And you're also gonna have a beautiful beautiful fine cloth leather a fine cloth addition Yeah, I did and that's the kind of shit that you want to leave out on the table for when dates come over Exactly. It's a great coffee table book if you never want to have friends over for coffee So all right, so now we're going to blend the world of necromancy and necrophilia. Yes, this is you will find out Is it's actually a little bit of a slippery slope?

All right, right. Well, that makes a lot of sense though. You would want to And uh, we're gonna take it away marcus. You found all this. This is what you spent your time creating I listened to nerds Live out dnd fantasies and you um listened to a lot of people Talking about corpse fucking a lot of people. I listen to people talk about corpse fucking I read about people talking about corpse fucking. I went knee deep into the world This is the section of the episode where if you accidentally pull the headphones out at work You you will be fired. Oh, yeah, this is uh, yeah, that is that is your warning for this portion of the show

Yes, uh, and this is an interview with a woman named, uh, lila windel Uh, she is uh the head of I believe they're called the american association Uh for the acceptance of necrophilia Something like bonafide All right, bonafide. I'm so glad they they get tax exempt status. That's great. They do that's really great And uh, this is her doing an interview on wb ab out there in long island Uh, she is from long island and she is a very big believer in Combining the worlds of necromancy and necrophilia. All right. And by the way, she's doing this interview with a sex therapist

And a btsm enthusiast. Oh, wow. All right. Let's listen up. Number one. There is no actual intercourse Number one. Let me get for some necro files. There is for some necro files. There is not for you Not for me personally because I believe it is a corruption of the dead. Okay. What do you do once you're in the mausoleum? Well, have you ever been to a necromancy ceremony? Of course, yeah, any of you happily i'm familiar with them, but I have not attended All right. Well, the basic principle of necromancy is seducing the corpse and order That the spirit may come through it the spirit of death if you will may come through it. That's basically now. There are metaphysical metaphysical That's basically what I do

Can you be more specific? Everything but intercourse. Okay. Oh, everything. Do you touch the body? Yes Do you caress the body? Yes. Do you kiss the body? Yes. Oh, yeah All right. I just I just answered it when I answered mr. Moran's question Say it's lord. All right. She's like sally bertarsky in high school. Does everything but the everything but the panic Typical typical sally. I love the sound of that one man because you know, he's obese. Oh, yeah Yeah, do you have sex with her? Deeper and deeper All right, let's hear a little bit more from her which maybe they don't want to I well I believe on some occasions the bodies have responded to you haven't they

Well, nobody has nobody believes me when I say that the bodies have responded. Let me just re-identify wb ab The queen of the necrophiles and the king of the sadomasochists Dr. Moran and read Alan John Connelly joining me tonight. Please the bodies have responded to you. All right Well, a place I used to work in Lila, please. I worked with a man who was a psychic photographer. I guess you call him he took pictures of all kinds of psychic phenomena And uh, he used to have an observation window and he used to comment that the bodies used to Respond to me being there which nobody ever believed but it is truly used to Not just move because of muscle contractions

But long after they've been dead Sit up move look at me turn around follow me around so forth and so on all kinds of little maneuvers like that This is true. This has actually happened There have been quite a few witnesses to it and whether you believe me or not I don't care because I don't care anymore. It has happened and that's that Absolutely because they find out that oh, hey, you know when that Lila woman comes she starts sucking everybody's dick Right. Hey gotta get on that junior. Right. How do you get so many blowjobs a week? I just pretend to be dead Um, no, she's uh, she's mentally ill. Well, you know, or the corpses are following her and she's still going to this day

I mean, she's got what she's got a website. You can go visit it She's definitely backed away on the necrophilia thing does not talk about that on her website quite as much But she's got a lot of lovely paintings for sale She sells handmade lamps and her music and her music. Yeah, absolutely. Yep. She's got some wonderful music And so now all right, so basically so necrophilia again. It's just sexual attraction to corpses They do they talk about here. There's genuine necrophilia and pseudo necrophilia Right, which is like genuine necrophilia means I suck on a fucking dead dude's cock all day long And a pseudo necrophilia is it's like I like when they're quiet. Yeah, I knew I knew a pseudo necrophiliac

What do you mean? I don't get it What's a pseudo necrophilia? He just likes a woman to lay there like people who like that when you watch at porn Of like women asleep and shit like that. Yeah, it's just a woman staying completely She just would he would ask women to stay completely and totally still He would turn the air conditioning up in the room really high to make the body really cold He would ask them to stay Extremely still and some people actually ask their partners To have an ice bath before they have sex

You know other than the ice bath. That's pretty much exactly what david letterman does to his studio audience, you know Super super cold. It's super cold. It's super cold. Really letterman studios are supposed to be like 55 degrees. Yeah, that's super cold Um, but you found a thing here that you like to call that you didn't you didn't even call I didn't call I found this uh posted anonymously on a message board. That's so weird. It was anonymous Um, it's called necrophilia a beginner's guy. Mm-hmm. Yep Now, what is this? So this is for the layman who want to get into being necrophilia This is for someone who wants to get into the business of fucking dead bodies. Oh, so there's a lot of money in that Yeah, I remember like for typing. It was always mavis beacon. She was great at mavis beacon typing was great

So this is sort of the mavis beacon But for necrophilia X So necrophilia X they prefer to go about their business alone weird sharing is not a part of this alternative Lifestyle as the corpse usually wears out fairly quick. Yeah, you can't everybody hop it on pop all day long. Yeah Wears out it does not wear out. It is aggressively mutilated And torn to pieces. Well, that's not to say that the occasional orgy involving four or five necrophilia X and about a dozen or so Corpses doesn't occur. It only happens on somebody's birthday. Right. Yeah So here's how you find a partner finding a partner for your necrophilia X activities is definitely the hardest part

Yeah, it's like trying to get beer when you're 15. Yeah. Yeah, exactly You not only have to gain access to the corpse, but you got to find one that suits your specific Oh, yeah, because it can't just be you can't just be a slut for any if it's like, you know The whole point is that you got to take a look at that corpse and be like, you know what man That dead old woman really makes me hard. Yeah, I feel terrible for the corpse any corpse should do To still be fat shamed. Can you be dead and still be fat shamed? I'm still not good enough for you. You're a necrophilia I fuck corpses. I fuck corpses, but no fatties. No, no Well, we will get to some necrophilia X later who had that exact same opinion

Unbelievable back to finding a partner if you have access to a morgue that is absolutely your best bet And in fact most necrophilia X are a part of the funeral industry Oh god this sentence Cemetery's are a bit harder to deal with as finding a screwable corpse is harder to do that's a direct quote However, if you know how to interpret signs, this shouldn't be a problem if a grave consists of a mound of fresh dirt And it's covered with flowers chances are that the stiff hasn't been lying there for too long Yep rotten flowers on the mound usually hint to the state of the corpse. Some people are exclusively into quote-unquote parking the bone

Sex with skeletons Sculpt, but ain't alone. I mean it'd be like having sex with Akira Knightley Yeah, so scary typical Hollywood woman. Yeah, if this is the case you can dig up pretty much any grave you want and That the uh the inhabitant hasn't yet disintegrated into dust. Well, you can just buy a bunch of chicken and take all the meat off the bone Just fuck those bones. Yeah, it's not the same. I don't know. Well, you can just buy a cadaver I get bury it and then you can't really you can't buy a bone. You can buy a skeleton. Yeah, you can buy a skeleton Yeah, but still it's but it's all about the fuck. It's all about the digging because some people like an element of danger I don't know what it says here try to scope out a fairly secuted

Cemetery for your passions unless you like a sense of danger to go along with the set for your passions It sounds like a book that Fabio was on the cover of in 98, but it's totally different So now let's talk about preparation Depending on upon where you are at this point. You're either going to have a little work to do Or a lot of work to do the person in the morgue will obviously have to do a little more than just open up a locker Pull the corpse out and bang away if you're one of the cemetery people You'll have a lot more work to do an experienced necrophilac is always equipped with the bare essentials a shovel Vaseline and a box of rubbers

Yeah, I protection Oh necrophiliacs stress using condoms. That's great. I'm so happy that they're all about condom use Gotta use safe sex when having sex with somebody's dead family members Well, vaseline is used to loosen up the corpse a little bit that makes it less likely for a body part to break off while you're having fun And it also prevents quote your dick for becoming too irritated while screwing the dried out pussy The box of condoms used to play it safe. No necrophilac shouldn't be without it You never know which scd's your partner had during his or her lifetime and believe me It doesn't get any better after the person dies. That is disgusting. This is all word for I just feel like the word for word

Nature of this is perfect. He reminds me this who is who are you taking these words from an anonymous poster on the internet? Yeah, and do he I have the feeling that the same feeling when you guys read these words as I did during the toy box killer episode Yeah, where I'm just like, uh, some people are getting hard though Yeah, no one none of our listeners are getting hard right now I hope not you can put on more than one rubber for extra protection if it is warranted But screwing a corpse without protection is just plain stupid unless you want to be the next date for a neck or feel Yeah, if you're in a cemetery try to drag the corpse out of the grave and behind a bush order another

Secluded place pumping away in a grave may seem more convenient, but it's as severe disadvantage to you if you need to take off In a hurry sometimes and you will you will definitely have to take off in a hurry Sometimes the corpse is too fragile to be moved emotionally Right why why why in that case make it fast or just break off the head hand or lower torso And take it with you for added convenience. Oh cool. Yeah, like it's a piece of string cheese Oh, exactly corpses can be recycled if treated properly if you're a proficient embalmer You can keep a corpse over five years if it has been properly involved. That's true That's free sex whenever you want it

You naturally don't now want to be too rough with embalmed corpse because they are more fragile And that's the beginner's guide to necrophilia The beginner's the middle of the end guide, right? I mean, that's pretty much all of it, isn't it? Experienced necrophilia guide is like how to fuck them an MSG how to fuck them in a rowboat Like all sorts of specialty areas, you know, we've covered a lot of necrophiliacs here on the show We've covered a lot of really famous necrophiliacs. We've covered Ted Bundy. We've covered uh, J Dom's yeah, we're gonna be covering Edmund Kemper here in the future Who fucked his mother's head like it was a blowjob machine. Yeah, that's all true

Yeah, he did but let's get to some of the regular Joe necrophiliacs. Yeah the day-to-day necrophiliacs The civilians the laymen the people the little people the people that do it for the love of the game I just loved that that guy was anonymous though because anonymous also takes down large corporations They take down corrupt governments and they I assume they meet certain places and it ever We also teach you how to fuck a corpse and they also teach you how to have sex on the corpse It's not capital a anonymous. Oh, it's just an anonymous source. He's not the guy fox mask Uh, they're definitely some guys. They're definitely some guys on b that fuck corpses without a doubt We know this in fact, I think there was photographic evidence once of a guy fucking a corpse after he had killed it

Hey, you know, it takes a village. I don't even know if that sentence is applicable Yeah, yeah, they in Rome. Yes, they do kill people and fuck their corpses, but they also take down Scientology They're okay. So anonymous is okay with us. Let's uh go with it Let's uh talk about this woman named Karen Greenlee in 1979 She gained national notoriety when working as a mortician's apprentice in Sacramento, California She absconded with a hearse containing the body of a 33 year old man Disappearing for two days police found her over in the next county She had OD'd on codeine and is left behind a four and a half page letter in the coffin confessing to necrophiliac encounters

With somewhere between 20 and 40 dead young men It read in part now these sound like these sound like cool fucking like heavy metal lyrics. Yeah, why do I do it? Why why fear of love? Relationships no romance ever hurt like this. It's the pits. I'm a morgue rat This is my rat hole. Perhaps my grave. It's the pits refers to when you lose your job And then you lost your job by your boss punching his fist through your top hat And then you're like, oh, it's the pits. I think you step outside and it starts raining. That's the pits This is having sex with a corpse. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course

She was charged with illegally driving a hearse and interfering with a burial As necrophilia was not a crime in california at the time in the 70s It is now a felony, but here's an interesting fact that I look up Only 28 states have laws against necrophilia and there is no federal statute barring necrophilia I that is a true shocker age is just a number Well, I mean at some point the number is zero because it's a corpse. Yeah So for stealing the body and the hearse Karen got 11 days in jail a 255 fine and two years probation There's people serving life for stealing snickers for three times. Well, this is 1979. This is before three strikes

Oh my god, the mother of the dead man. However sued her for mental anguish asking for a million bucks She did get a settlement of 117 thousand dollars Five years later Karen gave a what I could only call a surprisingly jovial interview to a guy named jim morton Uh, I found this in a book. I got called apocalypse culture, which is a fucking. Yes. I love that book Love that book. It's the second edition. Be sure to get the second edition because it's got some extra bonus material But here's a couple of the things that she revealed. There's no penetration involved She receives her pleasure from clitoral stimulation. Okay, specifically 69. I saw that I didn't yeah

I saw that again and again a lot of 69 with the female necrophilia. So there's a corpse just be like, uh, ma'am Can you get your bush off? Can you get your bush off? It's so hard to concentrate on the blow job while you're sitting on my face Is the man, uh, is the man hard or no, no, there's no way right? Well, I did just falls off I have well, I have read a story from a necrophilia. I've told a couple of necrophilia stories on previous episodes Uh, I've got this book called cemetery stories. This is fucking it's fantastic It's mostly about cemetery cemetery culture. The bodies are fairly stiff from rigor mortis Anyway, so you can kind of angle the dick up. Nope. Here's what you do is, uh, there is a Hydraulic pump that you can insert into the penis to make the penis erect

And you can rock back and forth on the erect penis that has been made erect by hydraulic pumps I think that's why the hydraulic pump was invented. It wasn't to make the great highway system that we have now No, it was to fill up corpses dick so weird people can ride them all night We know what I'd also say is I love the tiny pain smirk on your face as the details go like Ben has a perfect look on his face As we talk about it. It's like a it's almost like Forcing back vomit, but it's also a smile Well, I mean it is Oh, well, you hear this when she finds the odor of death to be extremely erotic

She said now you get now you get your body that's been floating in a bay for two weeks or a burn victim That doesn't attract me much. Oh, it's like that faith hill. Is it faith hill that don't uh, bad Don't impress me A body floating in the in the bog that don't impress me much She's also attracted to the blood as the body tends to purge blood out of its mouth when disturbed in such a way Yeah, especially in uh the uh kind and especially in the sex when they blow up the cock Uh that the rocking back and forth, especially after being embalmed causes the mouth to purge blood embalming fluid bile All kinds of shit. Yeah, so and that tends to froth out and sure yeah quite disgusting

I mean this embalming fluid has to be dangerous for the body, right? I mean if that gets in smoke embalming fluid You know, you can do all sorts of things with embalming fluid, but what is it weird shit to you, man? Very true Well the blood however, that was the main reason why she stopped the year this interview was 1984 Right when the AIDS scare but started to become a national thing so she stopped because The may the pretty much the age of the men that she preferred men in their early to mid 20s Those are the guys that were all dying from AIDS, right? So that's why she stopped doing it

Well, this is this is one of that's the collateral damage of AIDS that no one's talking about Yeah, the necrophilia necrophilia Yeah, really did a hit on the community. She would regularly attend the funerals of men She had had necrophilic relationship with she said I would get to mourn right along with the family at the loss of that Love one except I was growing in a little different tone. So she was coming at the funeral Yeah, she was coming at the funeral the mother of the victim She was caught with had her son's body exhumed saying she wouldn't bury her cat in that cemetery Karen attended the exhumation from afar and watched the whole thing

If you're the kid though, you're like mom, just leave me alone. Leave us alone mom. She liked me mom Um, she enjoyed embalming everyone except for the obese, especially they've been autopsyed Their guts would slide out on the floor and and all this melty fat Yuck yuck I the autopsy like what did they get an autopsy like the autopsy dude is just like yeah, they're fat fat got him Yeah, the fat did it. Yeah, okay. So I'm back up. Here's an interesting uh coincidence the second funeral home She worked for also got the bodies of another famous necrophiliac The bodies of the victims of richard chase the sacramento vampire

Oh, wow sex with the uh, mr. Chase. It was before she worked there Yeah, it was a mutilated baby and the other one was a pregnant woman and stuff like that. So yeah, yeah Yep, she's she said that she had been caught before one funeral home And she said this happens quite a bit the funeral homes just chase them off They just kind of shoe them away because they don't want to report it. Well, I mean, it's very similar What the pedophiles were to the catholic church the necrophiliacs are the funeral home business bad for business Oh, it's gotta be bad super bad unless you unless you advertise it's dr. Fuckers mortuary this story that she did This story she's telling right here

One mortician I work with used to like to take a trocar a large hollow needle used to suction fluids from corpses And push it up inside any male cadaver's dick. He'd say oh look this corpse has a boner This guy was really weird. He looked like larry from three suges. And that was the weirdest thing about him Yikes, wow and after the court mandated therapy She said these people were always trying to change me only helped me get myself more in touch with my feelings I used to go from the therapist's office to the funeral home It didn't work fault. I like how she did the porky pig ending to that whole thing as well Well, let's uh, we're running a little uh short on time here

So, uh, let's let's skip over courtney hinds the small thin blonde Uh, let's skip over to a real piece of shit. Now. This is probably one of the grosser things Yeah, I've I've got that you've picked out for us to cover because really up to this point Don't fucking say that was a very accusatory tone, Henry Well, no, it's you picked out for us to call it. We all take full responsibility for the show that we do Um, but uh, yeah up to this point. They've been fairly juiced. Uh, uh, you know Very hard it about there You know and this woman, uh courtney hinds, you know just to give a very quick things that she is extremely

She believes that she's being very respectful to the bodies She believes that she's giving them a gift that she's giving them the gift of love And doesn't believe that she's doing anything wrong whatsoever. And that's something you see with these necrophilia acts is that none of them Believe they're doing anything wrong. No, they're jovial people just Yeah, they're just they're very mad of a matter of fact about it Like just like we would talk about having sex with our girlfriends. They talk about fucking corpses. Oh, man Man, I yeah, dude. I was having sex with that other. I was having sex with a chick the other night, dude Yeah, dude. Wow weird. I was uh, sounds hollow and not not like the no she was real

It's weird. You're sweating and blinking a lot Have you seen the drinks? No, you're looking at a guy from the drinks So let's talk about this guy rob, which is of course a pseudonym I found uh an old article in la weekly that interviewed a couple of his real name is bobby This guy rob complete asshole the highest order. He was arrogant. He was a bully He was absolutely terrible to his wife and any other woman that he came into contact with Rides that kind of got rides dirt bikes a lot a guy guy a guy who has an extensive collection of like Of years and years of nugget magazine in a closet

Yeah, just treats women as disposable Uh, but this his whole fascinating was necrophilia came as kind of a teenage lark His best friend's father owned a funeral home and the boys would finger the corpses while masturbate I mean, I did baseball practice and we played with pogs and stuff like that But I could see how kids would do that. Sure. Yeah, it's different kind of kids different groups of friends So after he discovered a woman that would voluntarily have sex with him He stopped that nice, but years later he returned to his old habit After he discovered women that would voluntarily have sex with him

Yeah, he was like 13, but then once he got to be like 15 and he started lying to women enough where they would fuck him Yeah, but what's kind of just like what were you doing before? It's kind of like how columbus discovered cuba Right where he came in and then just killed all of the people that had been gotten his way of discovering cuba. Oh, yeah So after he discovered living women, uh, he stopped but years later He returned to his old habit because he had cheated on his wife after their second daughter was born And felt horrible guilt. He said I'd lie next to her at night feeling guilty in my own home I learned my values. I still think about it all the time, but I don't act on it That's why I think in my heart

That i'm doing the right thing And he's talking about fucking corpse. Oh, he's not doing the right thing. No. No, he's not. No, he's doing the wrong thing So his old school friend from back in junior high was still in the embalming business We're getting the gang back together. Yep during a strunken a drunken stroll down memory lane They went back to the funeral home and the visits became a guy's night out ritual And now rob spins his saturday nights with other morticians at the mortuary While they tell the wives that they're playing poker. It is kind of like you're playing poker It's a little bit. It is kind of like poker. Yeah

Because that's a problem is that you know your you know your husband's lying to you and going out and fucking corpses when he says like No, honey. No, I'm gonna go out with uh with the bob and and steve time. We're gonna play some poker Pig like noises. Yeah rob said he liked the can't come rotary among morticians that it's like a secret society He said a hell of a lot of people would be into this if they had easy private access to fresh bodies No, I suspect half the people come in contact with corpses play with them. Absolutely inaccurate the hard not to take advantage of Lying there passive. You can act out any fantasy with them. You have access to those taboo places and notions I love that he put the blame on them like they're hard not to take advantage of them. They want it

They wanted me they wanted me to not fuck their dead corpses. They'd be alive. Yeah. Why did they die if why do they die of cancer? That's what he said. He said that necro sex hurts no one. I hate the way they do this too with the calling it necro sex at necro play Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. These are rob's terms He said he's not cheating on his wife with another woman and he isn't running the risk of falling in love I dare say it's worse necro. I would argue it's worse. It is worse necro play requires only one consultant adult The dead are dead. It's no harm to them. It is safe painless sex I don't like this guy because he comes at it with the typical male mindset of just like just put it in and Thump around with it. Like he has no necro mancy with it. Dare I say romantic romance

No, no, no, no, no, no, no because he you'd be frustrated because he'd be like I've been going down in this corpse for like 45 minutes and I know I'm not getting anything Um, we probe and talk up a stream Maybe take up a different orifice each and really ham it up If we're really hard up or had enough beers we'll experiment with males too We don't score every week, but it's always a hoot. It's like entering another world You leave your worries behind You feel free

That's like a different episode of cheers. They never talked about And then ask if he would care if any of his relatives were violated He said I guess I'd mine if it were my mom, but we never touch old people. We're normal That's what he said. Yeah Harold and maude is like he was like that movie is disgusting. That is gross I cannot believe that movie got made and that is our episode on necro mancy and necro filia I haven't had this feeling in a long time. I yep. I'm right back in the toy box. Yeah, I'm right back. I'm waking up Yeah, dude, that dude that's creepy as hell. It's the it's henry's voice is the same for the toy box killer as he is for

rod, you know what it is It is that thing it's it's that because it's the husky secret voice It's the disgusting. I want you to have sex with my german shepherd voice or bang a corpse voice. Yeah. Oh my god All right, every man. Can I just say this? Uh, let's leave these corpses alone, huh? Leave the corpses alone. Leave them alone Please leave them alone. I know they're just lying there and it's so sexy that they're just lying there You can do whatever you want to them, but hey, man, let's give them break. Don't fuck them and also don't bother them You know what just leave necro mancy out of it. Don't ask them questions. It's really they're dead It's really dangerous, but there's nothing wrong with the seance though. No, that's right. They have to come to you

Um, all right, everyone. Well, thank you guys so much for listening and uh, I want to say, um, lisa Uh, dave willis's wife. Hey, I'm glad you listen to this show. Hey lisa dave willis's wife Hey, um And uh, man hail satan. Yeah, sweet sweet satan. Be sure to go to itunes rate and review Uh, and be sure to go get your last podcast on the left t-shirt at cave comedy radio com slash last podcast on the left and if any of you out there Are listening on different platforms rather than itunes or stitcher. We move to rss over to soundcloud Uh, and so you're gonna need to go over there to re-subscribe. That's just a little bit of an update. Thank you

And we're on twitter. Yes. We are. Yeah lp on the left is our twitter handle. Yep Yep And henry loves you. I'm at ben kissle. That's a heat marcus is at at marcus parks Um, i'm gonna say a hail yourselves everybody for being so amazing And i'll be you can put your clothes back on now if you're at the office. Oh, yeah, thank god. Yeah, please hail me if you would thank you For more shows like the one you just listened to go to cave comedy radio com