Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 178: Columbine Part I - The Myth

Episode Date: June 11, 2015

On the first of this very special two parter, Last Podcast debunks the long standing myths concerning the perpetrators of the Columbine High School mass murder.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? It looks like a... Scrap, scrap, scrap, scrap, scrap, scrap. Slip, slip, slip, slip, slip, slip, slip. That's me slinging my menstrual blood like I'm a fucking spider woman. That's great. Alright, so should we start the episode about Columbine? It's not a porcupine, it's Columbine.

I know, where's this thing? God damn it, Ben. I want to start it with, it's not a porcupine, it's Columbine. I don't know, I don't think so. It's really bad. It's offensively bad. You're laughing way too hard at that. It's gold. Eric Harris, Dylan, Cleebold, of course today we're discussing Columbine. You know, today we're going to be talking about Columbine, which is, you know,

despite the normal tone of the show, it's a very serious subject. And again, I'm being not sarcastic as much as you are. No, really seriously. No, this could be described as a very special episode of our podcast. High school was hard for everybody. And it became more difficult after for 2019-99. Yeah, 1999, like first of all, the book that I took, that we took most of our research from is called Columbine by Dave Cullen.

It is a fucking stellar book. And I will tell you to the point in which it gave me nightmares about being back in high school. Yeah, Dave Cullen wrote this amazing book. This episode, we're not going to get into the gory details. We're not going to talk about them walking through the school. We're not going to talk about all of the carnage and death and blood. What we're going to be talking about today, we're going to be talking about the actual dickheads themselves, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, and the media coverage, the church's reaction to it,

and all the things surrounding Columbine. You're basically watching the development of Eric Harris, who's possibly, if he had not been murdered by himself during the Columbine massacre, what it probably went on to rape and murder as many human people as he can. And Dylan Klebold, who's a kind of panty-waste fucking loser who got drug along by Eric Harris, who's a psychopath, into this thing. And they are not folk heroes. They are not a bunch of people that were persecuted and then they went and shot a bunch of targets,

like they had a list, like they went after the jocks or the people that bullied them. All of that is total horseshit. And I also want to thank one of our new assistants here, Kaelin Hughes, for doing all of our conspiracy theory research today. But what I found amazing is Kaelin was born in 1993. And when I asked her, I was like, OK, so I need you to do some research on Columbine. She had a bit of a blank look on her face. She didn't, she had heard of Columbine.

She knew the name. She kind of knew what it was. She thought it was like an indie band like pavement, right? Right, right, right. I love Columbine's new hit all about how they got a blister and now they have to shoot up a school. Yeah, I remember that when they got all sad about how their shoes were too tight so they were going to blow up the gym. Yeah, typical. It's tough being a teenager these days.

It really is tough. It's tough. Well, what I was getting to is that a lot of kids, a lot of younger kids, especially our listeners, the younger listeners, they don't know what the fuck Columbine is. Right. You know, so Columbine, what happens on April 20, 1999, two kids, they were both, there was a sophomore and a junior, or a junior and a senior, Eric Harrison, Dylan Klebold, they killed 12 students, killed one teacher and wounded 21 others, and then they committed suicide.

It is the most infamous and well-known school shooting ever committed. Basically, it wasn't the first one. There were several leading up to it, but this was definitely, this moment in time, especially for our generation, was massive. Definitely, I would divide my high school years into pre-Columbine and post-Columbine because everything changed in my school when that went down. And other things also to remember, I know it's like it's done, but I feel like it's a detail to remember is that the massacre happened at Columbine High School, but it happened in Littleton, Colorado, which has connections to this, basically it's a part of this thing called Jefferson County, Colorado, which if you're going to take some of my research into account, is the hub of a gigantic international conspiracy, which is the fucking center of the wheel.

And Dylan and Eric were part of spokes of a giant network of vigilantes trying to kill a group of sexual predators known as the fat cats. That will be, I suppose, the opposing viewpoints during our Columbine episode is my research and Henry's research. Of course, going back to Henry's point, as before Christ and after Christ is often used in reference to time, before Columbine and after Columbine can be measured as well when it comes down to the institution of high schools in general and education in this country. After Columbine, it was locked down. So no longer going out for lunch, every single time you walked into the school, a lot of schools put in metal detectors, it became much more like airport security, teachers became TSA agents, and students no longer felt comfortable to learn, which is why our current educational process system in this country is failing miserably.

But Columbine was really a titular moment, and I say titular and I laugh, but really in the change, in the transition of the current situation we have right now. And I think another big point to remember about Columbine is that people that are parents now were students then. People who are like, people that are our age, you know, are early to mid-thirties. Okay, most people our age have kids. Are they doing well? Do they have $80,000 a year? I heard about this thing called owning a house. No, don't tell me. People do this.

So how's it too big? I don't need one squalid room that I rent from an old crooked Italian. No, like Hasidic Jew zone houses. Yeah, not adults. Can I also discuss when I bring in how the Zionist movement was also a part of Columbine? We do this time. Just because I mentioned Jew once, I mentioned Jew once, then all of a sudden you have to bring in the protocols. Just type in Jew Columbine and see what kind of forms pop up. All right.

Yeah, but I think the people that were teenagers then, their parents now, they're terrified. Whether they're conscious of it or not, that seed was planted by Eric Harrison, Dylan Kleebold, that school is not a safe place. And if school is not a safe place, then nowhere is a safe place. And that was their fucking goal. And also, what's interesting, so good things came out of the aftermath of Columbine, like the anti-bullying movement was good even though it was ineffective and meant nothing in connection to Columbine. But also, the negative especially is that if you want to also look at it again from a conspiratorial point of view,

it was a very useful event for our government to help slowly instill people getting used to a martial law environment. Basically, it's one of those things, it's those perfect things. It's sort of like 9-Eleven, whether or not they let it happen or if they were a part of constructing it or they just used the event. It was very easy to take something like that as a little doggy door is a way to slide in and take some more liberties away from you because they know we are so, we're afraid of fear. Well, bringing up 9-Eleven, I think that 9-Eleven changed America on a national scale, on a macro scale. How the nation of America approaches the rest of the world and I think that Columbine changed America on a micro-local scale. Like they both changed us into the fearful country that we are today, the fucking skittish beast that we are.

But Columbine started it on a local level and 9-Eleven started on an international level. Do we want to meet these fuckfaces now, Eric Harris and Dylan Cleol? Let's meet these fuckfaces and first of all, as far as the profile of the school shooter, there is no profile at all. The school shooter comes from every ethnic, economic and social class. The whole myth about them being into really violent video games and movies is false. Only a quarter of them were into violent movies and half of that were into violent video games which is much less than teenagers on average. They do share some things, they're almost 100% male, almost all of them suffered some sort of loss or failure leading up to the attack that they just couldn't fucking handle. And almost all of them planned ahead months, if not years in advance.

The myth that the school shooter suddenly snaps, that he was some sort of kid that was constantly beat upon and then one day they get the big fucking wedgie and then that's it. That is a complete and total myth, especially when you talk about Clebold and Harris. The big narrative that we've always heard is that they were outcasts, they were gossed, they were part of a trenchcoat mafia. None of that is true. They were not outcasts, they were not gossed, there was no feud between jocks and nerds, there was no targeting, there was no connection to this whole trenchcoat mafia thing. The trenchcoat mafia was just a great name. And so it's a really great name that all of the journalists sort of jumped upon when they first heard it. But the trenchcoat mafia was a thing that had started like a year ago before any of the murders happened and it was just a bunch of goth kids just trying to be dumb. They were just wearing trenchcoats and walking around.

I think they were getting into some altercations with people, but then eventually they were like, man, these fucking trenchcoats are hot. We're like, yeah, let's just take them off. It's like summer, this is junk. Well, what it all started with was one goth kid bought a duster at Sam's Club for a Dracula costume. The Dracula costume didn't really work out, but he kept wearing the trenchcoat every day. All of his friends thought that it was cool. They wore trenchcoats for a few weeks, they had a picture in the yearbook, and then that was it. Alright. So I mean, I think we do have to point out the fact that, like you're saying, how unbelievably goofy this whole trenchcoat mafia thing is. I mean, when we were growing up, when this term came out, it made them seem as if they were the most terrifying human beings that have ever walked the earth. And in reality, it's funny because look at that trenchcoat. I love it. We should be the trenchcoat mafia. I love it. Let's fight with the Jinko Gang.

You know, I mean, it was just, it is so comical now when you look at this in hindsight. But at the time, the trenchcoat mafia instilled fear in every single person and it made parents, it made their hair stand up on their arms. There's also a great way to weaponize goths. That's what this did, right? Because you think about this, right? If you've ever met a group of goth people, they are just not the most aggressive. This is not a group of people that are all like, this is not an action-based group. No, this is skulking, sitting on a stoop, smoking a clove group. This is a group of people that share anime and watch it in silence. And then if every once in a while, like, the guy will eventually sort of tap the girl with cat ears on like me, like every once in a while and be like, isn't this sad? She's like, I love this. And that's what goths were. And so they made the whole, the news media also then took that and made it like you're supposed to be afraid of the goths.

They were the actual Addams family. And like we've discussed in episodes previous, this is on the heels of the Satanic Panic sort of situation that happened in the early 90s. They were always looking for different ways. If you were a child in the 90s, every single parent watched 2020. Yes. And Dateline and these shows. And every single one of these episodes was a new panic that these shows were talking about when it came to teenagers and things like that. So every single day we would wake up and our parents would be like, don't shoot yourself in the head today. I watched an episode of 2020 and I heard the kids are doing that right now. So just don't just come inside and say, I'm sorry, I've just been making sketches with my buddy in the park all day.

I'm literally the most innocent boy who's ever lived. Right. You're on PCP. I know you are. I know you are. Yeah, why is there less shaving cream than there was yesterday? Are you huffing shaving cream? That's not even possible, mom. I watched a 2020 episode and they said you could huff shaving cream.

And I know you're doing the snooping because that's what all the kids are doing these days. Diana Hamilton said it on the TV. That's right. They're snorting the shaving cream. Well, you joke, but 2020, that was the reason why the Goths were so demonized because Diane Sawyer did a 2020 special about Goths who kill. Right. Yes, Goths have killed, but so as Dave Collins says in his book, so is every other subset, every other subculture. Everybody has killed.

You have a subculture. You have a subset. Somebody in that subculture has murdered somebody. But for some reason, because the Goths look kind of scary and because they were sort of attached to this massacre. We'll get into that later on more into the media perception and how all of this stuff was actually created. But as far as Dylan and Eric or Dylan, Clebold and Eric Karris. First of all, Eric Karris, the ringleader. He was smart.

He was popular. His peers considered him to be a cool dude. He had no problem with girls whatsoever. He managed to sleep with a 23 year old woman by the time he was 17. He was so well liked that the last human interaction he had before he started fucking killing people was a car full of girls. Waving, honking and trying to get his attention. This guy was by no means and in no way any sort of nerd. He was not bullied and he sure as fuck was no martyr.

What he was was the perfect picture of a psychopath. We'll get into deeper details as we go on. There's a person that loved to lie, got a pleasure out of deceiving people. He's Ted Bundy because he's handsome. He was relatively handsome even though he looks like a fucking normal high school fucking jerk. That girl's light because he was a jerk and he was a jerk to everybody. When you're 15, you're like, that's dangerous. And then it turns out it is fucking dangerous.

Very dangerous. There's no doubt about that. Yeah, absolutely. Dillon Klebold, he was shy, meek, self-conscious, the complete opposite of Eric Karris. Couldn't talk to girls, followed Eric everywhere that he went. He was constantly trying to impress him. Of course, there were these videos that Eric Karris and Dillon Klebold made before Columbine. And if you watch the videos, if you only watch the videos and in fact a lot of the press got fooled by this as well.

If you watch the videos without a trained eye, it seems like Dillon Klebold is the ringleader in this. It seemed because he's louder, he's more boisterous, he has more of a violent rhetoric. But if you watch, every time he has a big outburst and every time that he tries to act tough, he always looks over at Eric Karris. He always looks over at him to get his approval to see if he's doing it right. And the thing that is very disturbing about a lot of those, because they have released some of these tapes to YouTube, because there are two series of tapes, there's tapes that they shot with each other while they were walking around high school together. And when you watch those videos, those are on YouTube, they are disturbingly similar to how I was with me and my friends. We were a bunch of like jerky, ludicrous kids that were filming each other, running around, being crazy,

making stupid voices, making fun of people, doing all the stuff, making fun of teachers. They would be doing the same exact thing, but then they started doing the basement tapes, which was them basically explaining why they did what they did, which have not been released to the public. But there are transcripts of it, which I'm looking at right now, and it's just, you know, again, it's just another bitch fest. And it's very interesting when you watch these kids, they're kids, and they're acting like normal kids, but that shows you where the brain chemistry was off, that they were actually very, very mentally ill. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, during the actual shooting itself, Clebold hardly ever fired. He barely fired his weapon. He just spent most of his time cheering, you know, he just spent most of his time cheering on Eric.

More myths to spell about these guys, they were both heavily involved in school activities. They went to football games, they went to dances, they were into sports. Eric Harris was a big Colorado Rockies fan. Dylan Clebold loved the Red Sox. He wore his Red Sox hat during the massacre. And the biggest thing of all, they were bullies. They loved picking on kids. They loved calling kids fag, that was their favorite word. In fact, Dylan Clebold got caught scratching fag into a freshman's locker.

And Harris said the kind of torment that those guys went through, Eric Harris and Dylan Clebold, when I think about it, I'm so sympathetic to them, and I just feel so, it's a shame that they got bullied like that. Yeah, it's a shame that they got caught and had to, you know, pay money. Well, you know, people don't sympathize enough with the people who are bullying the young people, you know, it's just like, yes. What are they going through? They are going through a lot. There's no doubt about that. Yeah, Harris in particular liked to impersonate the special ed kids. I mean, I can't say anything against that because, I mean, listen to my approach to performance on this show. But I will say, I feel that it's effective and we do other things that help people, so it all balances out and sort of like, in a nasty way.

I agree. And it's just too bad that Eric Harris took his life with these great impressions of special needs children. He would have been huge in France. He would have been so famous in France. They love some good special needs comedy. Or if we could have gotten him on Mad TV. Yes, it would have moved over Will Sasso. Eric Harris is coming through. Well, some of the claims that the media made were actually true. Eric Harris was really into German shit. He loved Nazis. He loved Nietzsche. He loved Freud, which is a weird thing for a high school kid to be into. And loved Hitler's favorite band was KMFDM.

But ironically, Dylan Klebold, half Jewish. Just one of the conspiracy theories that Dylan Klebold didn't actually kill himself was that Eric Harris killed him because he was Jewish. Okay, and so he waited until that moment? Yes, it was absolutely solid. The friends were like, it's like three years they knew each other for a while. It was all build up. The whole thing wasn't even to kill the other kids. It was just to kill him. Oh, yeah. It was a ruse. So I'm saying, man, I'm talking about airtight conspiracies that I'm going to be talking about here.

I want to be fed to death. I can't wait. But Harris was into the German culture is as much as like bikers are, right? Like the Hell's Angels love to wear the swastikas and do all that shit because it freaks people out and makes people upset. Eric Harris's every single move was basically building up to be the ultimate adversary. He wanted everybody to go fuck themselves. And so that's why he adopted it. He didn't believe in anything. He was very smart in the fact that he can even understand these readings when he's 16, 17. That's what they all said is that he's next to brilliant.

But he's, you know, fucking psychopath and should have been aborted. So essentially Eric Harris was a pure psychopath. Textbook psychopath. When people studied him later and studied his journals and the videos and the things that he said during the attack, they just say textbook absolute psychopath master manipulator. Loved lying was very good at it. Actually, a colon Dave Cullen that wrote home on he put it perfectly. He said, even an earthworm will recoil when you poke it with a stick.

A squirrel will exhibit frustration if you tease it by offering it a peanut then repeatedly snatching it back. Psychopaths make it that far up the emotional ladder, but they fall far short of the average golden retriever, which will demonstrate affection, joy, compassion and empathy for a human in pain. A part of what they do to test for a psychopath is that they show them negative pictures. Like they'll show them pictures of like crime scene. So they'll show them pictures of like forest fires and stuff like that. And what they've noticed is that the their brains operate a different way where most people,

when they want something so that they are apprehensive, they get anxiety. Their nervous system, their heart rate starts increasing when they see these things. But psychopath, they're a different part of their brain operates, which is more like they're interested. They watch it and it's more like interesting. Oh, that's new information for me. Oh, that's cool. There's just no emotion. Yeah, it's more of an adaptation thing.

It's like he sees that and it's like, okay, I have processed that information and now I need to understand how I should react to it. What is expected of me? And that's the way, yes. And this is a very, very good skill that you can actually utilize in life to become a very successful person. A lot of presidents use it. Most people who are successful, Michael Jordan, for example,

when he shot that jumper for Craig Elo, what wasn't he? Scared. He looked at that forest fire and said, I'm going to put that fire out. He ran to it. Michael Jordan is a pure psychopath. He's a true psychopath. A pure psychopath. Man, what a very effective spree killer he would have been. Oh, he would have been.

Honestly, Michael Jordan would have been the best at anything he wanted to do. He would have been the Michael Jordan of spree kicks. He would have the definition of it. Yeah, absolutely. Without a doubt. Eric Harris, I mean, it's, you know, in remission earlier, but yeah, if it is actually documented in his journals, what would have happened had he not decided to go for the one big kill?

He describes in detail what he wanted to do to freshman girls, like what exactly, how he wanted to rape and kill them. And had he not gone for this, he would have eventually, he would have been on par with Ted Bundy. We would know Eric Harris's name for a different reason. Both Dylan and Eric journaled their entire experience to what the event on 420 ended up with, because again, they were both obsessed with the film Natural Born Killers.

And so it was called, the big event was called NBK. And they had journaled extensively up until then. And only in those journals do you get to see the full storyline, which is a growing psychopath in Eric's case. And then Dylan Kiebold, a fucking absolutely paralyzed depressive that was obsessed with how love is a ghost. And it's interesting, you know, you mentioned love is a ghost. I agree with that.

I do agree with him. Boo. Boobs. It's interesting you say that we're journals, and we talked about the trench coat mafia, they have the fashion, they have the journals, they were a bubble pen away from being a middle school girl. You know, but very close to being in an anime fan club. They are.

But you know, and this goes to the Santa Monica shooter as well. Obviously that was in 2014. He made his YouTube videos and things like that. There was a theatrical element to what they did. And then they brought it into the real life. They didn't have the intelligence. They didn't have the level of like, let's bring this to the stage. We want to be school shooters. Let's write a screenplay.

The whole thing was about the stage. The whole thing was about the stage. But the stage was real. Yes. And then the lives were real and the event obviously was real. Yeah, you want to talk. I'm imagining that reality is real and that everything is, you know, that things exist that you don't observe

and that we're not a part of an onion of different dimensions. And you know, I don't know. I mean, that's where I start getting really confused and people start like not talking to me anymore. Yeah, you have to wear pants at the mall. I just want to tell you, Henry. Yeah. And you talk about them and their fashion.

There is actually a part of the basement tapes where they're trying on their trench coats because they wore the trench coats for two reasons. One, to hide their weapons because they had a fucking arsenal with them. And two, to look cool. There's actually one part of the basement tapes where Eric is putting on his fucking coat and he's saying, this makes me look fat on this side.

Yeah, like a bunch of God. He's worried about looking fat. But this shows the psychopath he involved, right? The only person who knew that they were psychopaths leading up to and throughout the whole thing was David Fusilet, right? Who was the head investigator. Yeah.

Who had come in from the FBI, correct? He was not that. The head investigator was Kate Batan. He was pretty much just the head FBI guy. He was the one that became the expert on Harrison Clebold. And he's the one who figured out when he was looking at all their stuff. He was like, oh, these are not nerds getting revenge.

He's like, these are psychopaths trying to create a terrorist event. Yeah. Fusilet was also the guy that was the... He was coincidentally the last person to talk to David Koresh. He was the FBI's head negotiator in the Waco debacle. And he was the only... He was the one that recommended that if everyone was hungry that he should start barbecueing for everybody.

Which is very... Which is, you know... He was the only... Fusilet was the only guy in the FBI to oppose the attack. He said, no. He was the one... I remember when we were talking to the negotiator saying like, hey, I've almost got him.

I've almost got him. Just give me more time. Just give me just a couple more days and I can get these people out of there. That was Dave Fusilet. All right. So, I mean, I love that these people were in a situation where they just were like, does this gun make me look fat?

You know, if they're trying on all these weapons and things like that. Now, they were... Eric or Dylan, were they on any kind of radar before the event? The event happened. Obviously, this is before you can put these things online. So, these basement tapes and stuff like that. These would be YouTube videos today and TLC would probably give them a television show

called School Shooters in the Making and the final, you know, season finale would be them actually doing it. Were they on any sort of radar? Absolutely. Yes. They were on multiple radars. We'll get to that later on. Okay.

But the radars that Eric Harrison, Dylan Klebold were on are fucking unforgivable. Okay. Like, what happened with these guys, the radars they were on and the people that knew beforehand, they will never be brought to justice, but their inaction is fucking unforgivable. Okay.

It was a massive cover-up. We were going to hit this... We're going to get into this, but the type of cover-up here is also an example. Again, we want to get fucking weird about it. Again, how a banal decision to cover up a couple of pieces of paper that we're going to cover is what basically kept the truth from people for fucking 15 years.

People had no idea what actually happened at Columbine. They all just assumed it was faulty parents, and it was just two kids that because of they were on fucking, was it Luxov or Lufox? Luxov-Lufox, yeah. They were on this fucking drug that they flipped out because they were on this anti-depressant. But basically, you're going to see,

this is how cover-ups happen all the time. Is it a bunch of people just covering their ass? Yeah. And so they just don't say anything. People covering their ass for one mistake, and the ripples are fucking huge, gigantic. So as far as the motives go, you talk about them putting on a show, the stage, that was the whole point of it.

They were not spree killers. They were terrorists. That was their goal. The guns were secondary. Their primary weapons were the seven bombs that they planted around the school. If they would have succeeded, like the guns were, that was something that came after.

The guns were phase two. The big thing was the bombs. If the bombs would have worked, they would have quadrupled the body count at Oklahoma City. So they had a geocache situation with the bomb. You know geocache? Oh, it's an amazing app where you can find different caches all around.

Oh, it's incredible. Anyway. How lonely are you? I'm pretty lonely right now. No, I'm not lonely. Geocache. No, this is something you do in relationships. You go geocache.

No, you don't. No, you don't. No, I swear to God. No, the listeners know. Restaurants and stuff like that. You go out and you buy your gifts and stuff like that. The listeners know what a geocache is. Anyway, there's a geocache of weapons around.

Okay. You also use Timothy McVeigh as an object of like, they were like, they called him a pussy. Yeah. They wanted to do something bigger than him. Eric Harris constantly would, in order to fill people out to see who would join him on the mass server,

because the two of them finding each other took some time. So once they built, once he found the, once Eric found the perfect lackey in fucking Dylan, they, that took some time. Of course. Because he would feel, feel people out by telling them I had this fantasy where I was alone in the world and everybody else was dead.

And, but essentially he was using that to get laid. And it was very difficult for them to meet up. You have to keep in mind this is before e-harmony. This is before Tinder. You know, this is before school shooter massacre wannabe.com. You know? I remember school shooter massacre wannabe.com when that first came out,

and I met my first wife on that. And then I wish she had not killed all this people and shot herself because I thought it was just fun to talk about. Right, right. You know, but then we would just again, like I would just go on regular dates like a normal person, not like Ben with her. But then that didn't happen.

Yeah. You're the personification of a perfect mate, Henry. But you know that what we were talking about with these people, people thinking that they didn't have friends. In reality, Eric was just kind of looking for the right one. Yeah. And in reality, Eric had more friends than your average teenager. Like he knew a ton of people.

And he was looking around like he would, like there was one kid, actually one of the goth kids that Eric was actually friends with, one of the trench coat mafia kids. He, Eric had floated it to him, but he framed it in a very specific way to manipulate that specific kid. They were in bowling class one day.

And he said, hey, wouldn't it be cool if we killed all the jocks? That's what Eric Harris said to this other kid. And the kid is like, yeah, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, I suppose so. But just immediately rebuffed him, didn't take him seriously and didn't follow up on it. And Eric was smart enough to see it's like, okay, that kid doesn't have it.

Let's move on. And he laughed, Eric laughed it off. And he moved on until eventually he found Dylan. And Dylan was perfect because Dylan was already to attempt suicide. I mean, he wasn't, he never attempted it. He just talked about it all the time. Constantly.

Constantly talked about it. And so Dylan Klebold was like, was named his, I love this thing. He wrote it about in his journal that he called Existences a Virtual Book. And Eric Harris' journal was called The Book of God. Yeah, which those, those titles tell you everything you need to know about them.

So yeah, so Dylan was going to want it off himself anyway. So it was the perfect guy. So in the end, he became so mopey because there was a girl that he was staring at. Harriet. Yeah, Harriet. He was staring at Harriet for like a bunch of months, but she didn't even know I existed.

And then she was like, oh, I might as well just jump off the face of the planet. And it's like, once you read it, it's like, it's one of those things. We were talking about this earlier. Every time I've researched Columbine, and when I read the David Cullen book, it brings back these fucking very visceral memories

and feelings that I had because I journaled like that. Dude, me too. I, I would say like, I, I believe with Dylan Clebold, like I was reading the book and I kind of thought there, but for the grace of God, go I, I fucking, I was Dylan Clebold when I was in high school, that pussy fucking kid who was super depressed, but didn't know what depression was yet,

constantly talking about suicide, constantly obsessed with this girl or that girl. You know, if, if, I think if Dylan Clebold, if he would not have glommed on to Eric Harris, if he would not have chosen a complete and total psychopath to follow and emulate, he'd do a podcast with me. Yes.

Yes. He'd be running a podcast. I absolutely do believe that Eric Harris would have, eventually his depression would have gotten to the point where he couldn't hide it anymore. He would have gotten the help that he needed and he would have, I don't know, maybe fucking done podcasts in New York City.

Who the fuck knows, but. They're for the grace of Satan, go you. If I hear the name God on this fucking show again. All right. Well, you're going to be hearing it quite a bit later when we get to some of the fucking exploitation of this fucking tragedy. But yeah, these, these kids, their goal was,

or at least Eric Harris, his goal was terrorism. Colin, he quoted this professor named Juergensmeier. Juergensmeier? Juergensmeier. Sounds like a mustard. Yeah. It's just, it's German for never had a date. Oh, I see.

I relate to that. Well, he had a name for terrorism that I think is perfect. He calls terrorism performance violence. Because the goal isn't necessary. And he also gave a really good example. It was on the day of the first World Trade Center bombing in 1993, right? The first World Trade Center bombing didn't kill

a whole lot of people. It was a body count. It didn't kill a whole lot of people. The exact same day there was a bombing in Egypt in a coffee shop that killed dozens more people than the one in the World Trade Center. But as the guy said, a coffee shop is not the World Trade Center. It's all about the performance.

Right. And that's another thing is about this episode is that I think this is an important point to make is when we started telling people, like, you know, people asked us like, okay, what's the next episode? What's the next episode? I would tell someone Columbine, especially people our age, there was a visible reaction in these people.

Like there was a visible visceral reaction. Like, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Really? The images of Columbine are burned into my fucking eyelids. Yes. They completely succeeded. Eric Harris and Dylan Kleebold did exactly what they wanted

to do and made a picture that we would remember forever. And it's true. They completely, they created fear everywhere they want. They were like Osama bin Laden. You compare it to John Wayne Gacy's body count. John Wayne Gacy, we tell people, okay, hey, we're doing a two-par on John Wayne Gacy. They're like, cool.

John Wayne Gacy killed 33 boys, all the same fucking age as the kids that died at Columbine. But we don't bat a fucking eye at that. People don't care. People, but, you know, most people don't. When we're like, hey, we're doing John Wayne Gacy and at people next, people are like, fucking cool. We say we're doing Columbine next.

People are like, oh fuck. Well, I mean, you know, as we are now terrified of youth and we presume a lot of high school children to be guilty before innocent and we're, you know, and we think that everyone, young as a psychopath. But they are though, right? They are. John Wayne Gacy made clowns terrified.

Yeah. So he changed, I mean, John Wayne Gacy and Tim Curry's it. Yeah. Those combined made clowns terrified. Dylan and Eric made high school a dangerous experience. Yeah. And you know what? I still love clowns and I ain't afraid to know high schooler.

You're not afraid of high schooler. I'm not very comfortable with packs of high schoolers. Yeah, because you have to do a Chris Farley impression to let them, to let yourself get off the subway. So the guns, these kids, they had two shot up, sawed off shotguns. They had two tech nines. They had a ton of small bombs with them called crickets.

The guns, you wonder where the fuck did they get the guns? Right. They got where a friend went to a local gun show and bought these guns for these kids through the gun show loophole. The infamous gun show loophole meaning that so anyone can go to a gun show and buy a gun without having to go through any sort of background check or a three day waiting period or anything like that. Because it's fun at a gun show.

It's a gun show. Why ruin everybody's fun when making them fill out a bunch of paperwork? They got places to go. They got other bullets to look at. And what about all the target shaped like cops or sometimes the target shaped like black people? Right. You have to be able to go get that stuff.

Yeah. Or if you're a cop, that is just the target, just a black person. And we talked about this on Top Hat quite often, the loophole. It's 50% of the market. Yeah. 50% of guns are sold at this gun show. It's not a loophole. That's the whole thing.

Yeah, it's the market. That shows how dumb gun collectors are that it should be 100% of where you buy your guns. If you're that fucking secret about your guns, just buy them at the fucking gun show. So then by the way, post Columbine, a bill passed through the Colorado, the Colorado Legislature to close the gun show loophole.

Guess what? Failed in Congress. Of course. They didn't pass. So these two children walked in, they're dressed as if they wanted to shoot up a high school asking for guns and the person was just like, absolutely, here you go.

No, they went in there with them. They're dressed like they wanted to shoot up a high school because of them. At that point, they were dressed up like Clint Eastwood and Boy Howdy. Oh, I see. They were cowboys. Interesting.

Well, they did go to the gun show with the friend who bought them for them. They essentially went that one and that one. And the friend who was above 18 gave the guy the money. Who was their boss at the pizza shop? They all worked at. Blackjack Pizza. Yeah, they would just all fuck around

and throw M&A's off the roof together. But then he got exed out of the group because he got a girlfriend. And they were all upset because he had a girlfriend and he can't understand them anymore. Yeah, exactly. But the shooting started at 11.15. Cleveland Harris, they roamed the school shooting

indiscriminately, arbitrarily choosing who would live and who would die. They'd point a gun at someone and say, all right, you go and then the next person, they'd shoot right in the fucking face. And it only lasted 45 minutes. If anybody ever puts a gun to your face fart. Because.

Yeah, because then they'll laugh and be like, you know what? You're one of the good ones. You are funny. It is impossible. You're funny. Yeah, it is impossible to shoot somebody after they just farted.

Yeah. I don't know if that's true. I just feel like it's true. It's a lot of nature. Put it this way though. You better be sure it's a fart. Because if you shoot yourself, you're going to get shot. Yeah, of course.

All right, so it's a knife set. Right, right. So at 12.08, they both shot themselves. Eric Harris shot himself in the mouth. Dylan Klebold shot himself in the left temple. So we have about an hour of activity. 45 minutes. 45 minutes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 45 to 50 minutes. Yeah. Which is another thing we pointed out too, is because it was the same thing with Eric Harris, is that you won't do that thing about the psychopath as well, is that they are easily bored. And so they not only, once the fun started happening,

which for them, which is fucked up, is that Eric Harris was walking around going like, whoa, whoa, and then being like, this is fucking kicking ass. And Dylan Klebold's going like, I guess it's cool. And then they were walking around. And then Eric Harris just got bored. And sort of kind of like flicking through lockers

and stuff like that. Like he had already, it was already over for him. He doesn't even get, that's the one satisfying thing. It's like he gets no real pleasure out of it. In the end, it's another thing that becomes just as empty as everything else was in his life. Right, right. Yeah, just really quick.

So they began the massacre. And at what point did, because this is before cell phones, really, I mean, you know, we had some brick phones and things like that. Well, that's what we're about to get into, because this is the first hostage, or the first crisis of the cell phone age. Okay.

And that, I think that the Columbine changed everything because it was the very first time that cell phones were ubiquitous among the general population. Okay. Now the press had never actually been present for a school shooting or a massacre of this kind. Happening live as far as they knew.

Not for lack of wanting it. No. Because there's nothing wanting to see more than a bunch of kids shooting other kids. Because you know what? That's juicy fucking. That's some great fodder to sludge in between commercials. Oh, absolutely.

Yeah. And we discussed this quite regularly. People, you know, talk to us about us covering these very dark subject matters. I think we cover them much better than the media does. The same way that we discussed how OJ Simpson, the Bronco Chase Dominoes and Pizza Hut, and this is before Papa John's, the best pizza on earth.

And I will defend our stance on John Benet Ramsey. And we're also going to see how John Benet Ramsey fits into fucking Columbine. And the fact that they were part of the same child rape ring known as the Fat Cats, as you can see in the ransom note. It's possible. Written by the supposed mother of John Benet Ramsey, which is possibly her absolutely hypnotically suggested murderer.

They were part of a national syndicate that Eric and Dylan were raped by, and that would then give in drugs. And then they became psycho killers because the drugs broke their programming. So you're just smoking a lot of weed. That's the deal. Anyway, so what we're saying,

so as fast food in the industry, they benefited from the OJ Chase. Media loves these stories. This was gold. Sandy Hook was gold. These situations are not seen as as tragic. They're seen as something to profit from. Yeah.

It was a Kardashian butt of a story. It really was Columbine with CNN and Fox News as highest ratings in history. And that's what they see at that point. Yeah. That's exactly what they saw. What juice that is. What a great idea.

You know what? It's just I've only a school could fucking blow up every day. That was last year. This year is police abuse. Oh yeah. That's right. Awesome. New shit.

Awesome. Right. So it took 28 minutes for the from the first shot for the story to hit local news. It took 50 minutes for it to reach CNN. And at this point, school shootings were just they had come to know spring as shooting season in the media.

There were in 98 to 90 or 97 to 98. There were five different shootings, 10 dead, 35 wounded, but they were all just flash, you know, flash banks. It's like over and done with in about 15, 30 minutes. But Columbine, it was the first school shooting of the 1998, 1999 school year. And this one drug out for as far as the media knew,

three to four hours. The cops didn't go in full force. And they did not know that Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris had killed themselves for three hours after they had actually done it. So far he was going to change after this, right? Because the idea is that before the idea was to wait for the I guess it was kind of wait for the shooting to end or like secure the perimeter, secure the perimeter.

That was the big thing. And they also didn't know what they were dealing with. They didn't know if it was a hostage situation. They didn't know how many shooters there were. They didn't know anything about this. So they were very apprehensive. And not only that, but there was nobody in charge. Like within the first like the,

but in the first few minutes there were police officers. There were firefighters. There were SWAT teams about, they said that about a half dozen police officers showed up every couple of minutes. And nobody knew what the fuck to do. Nobody was actually in charge. But the biggest bit of chaos and the reason why the Columbine

survived to this day was that the schoolyard was fucking filled with journalists and frightened students. And all, all of the myths, all of the conspiracies, every single bit of this shit comes from the interviews and the misinformation that was given by these students within these first few interviews. So what was some of this misinformation? Okay. A lot of the people, multiple shooters.

First of all, that's the big one. Because the ideas, they saw them, right? Because this is what happened when they showed up to start working on this story. They were desperate for any information they could get. And these are newspapers. Again, we're trying to say their bottom, their, their goal is the bottom dollar. They're trying to generate a great story as fast as humanly

possible. They got their editors all the way in New York and Los Angeles who were like, where's the story? Where's this fucking story? So they're seeing kids covered with blood come running out. And they start asking questions, right? And so basically you're watching a bunch of people in shock trying to put shit together.

And teenagers at that. Right. Yes. And both Dylan and Eric were wearing, they started wearing jackets and hats. Eventually as the crime kept going, one of them took their jacket off. And then one of them turned his hat around. One of them took his hat off. And what that shows then, now what you got is four shooters.

Yeah. Immediately. Because now you're looking at, you're seeing a guy with a jacket, see the guy without a jacket, see the guy with the hat turned backwards, see the guy with the hat turned forwards. Now you're, and they're all over the place, quote unquote. That's what you're meant to believe now.

Yeah. And they're in the school was also on a slope. So if you're looking off from a distance, you could see through an optical illusion, it could look like that these two kids were on two floors simultaneously. Okay. So therefore that would make it look like there were four shooters instead of just two.

And kids also, they said like, okay, why was the gunshots? Why were they reported in opposite areas of the school? It's because these guys were using long, like tech nine's long range weapons. They have a range of hundreds of yards and the kids that did not know where the shooters were. They didn't know if they were 10 feet behind them or a hundred yards behind them.

So some kids also, a lot of times they were just shooting off in the air because they were kids because they were still children and they were still like, they literally were just kind of, now that they have the power of it, yeah, they were killing people, now they run around and literally playing, shooting it into things and stuff. So you're hearing bullet fire all over the place. It sounds like a massacre, but the real massacre didn't really

happen until they got to the library when they could get a bunch of people in close range, which is fucked up. Yeah, definitely messed up there, shooting kids at close range. When you say shooting guns in the air, it doesn't sound like a massacre. It sounds like an Iraqi wedding. I'll tell you, I love the way the Middle East celebrates. There are always a bunch of guys just showed up with a bunch of

homeless and dates and they're like, we brought the wedding present. This is the good guys, wedding or what? Oh, God, what is this? Oh, it's nerds shooting jocks, huh? Go nerds, huh? Go fucking nerds. There's another question that they asked, why did the students and witnesses hear further gunshots after Harrison Clebo killed

themselves because a SWAT team went in and the SWAT team was very careful and you can't, and really as far as the reaction goes, you can't blame the guys on the ground. You can't blame the local cops and you can't blame the SWAT team. They were going, they were essentially following orders from people who didn't really know what the fuck they were doing. And the SWAT teams were also, you can't really second guess the SWAT teams either because they can't go in their guns ablaze

because there were still hundreds of people hidden in every small nook and cranny in the school and they were, and the reason why they heard gunshots is because the SWAT team was going door-to-door and shooting all of the locks off of all of the locked doors and another thing is that there was a fire alarm going the entire time, a shrieking, deafening fire alarm going on for hours upon hours, extremely disorienting. Also as a SWAT team member, you have no friggin' clue who's

the shooter and who's the hostage, they're kids. So you're going through and you don't know if you're going to come across the shooter who's going to be pretending to be shot and going like, help me, help me, and then shoot you because it's like, you have no idea. So at this point, there are a lot of injured people but also everybody's a fucking suspect until you figure out what the hell's going on and that takes hours.

Right, so the SWAT team goes in there, shoots off all the locks which is, I think is a little, you know, adding to the stress of these poor kids with the fire alarm, same thing with Sandy Park when they were discussing just the chaos and the mayhem that occurred there, very interesting. And you look at these, do you think about these two little bitches, Eric and Dylan, is when they were starting, the whole point is that they were supposed to set those bombs off and

then they were supposed to sit in the parking lot picking people off until the cops showed up. Well, yeah, I mean, it's like when you talk to somebody who was a football player in high school and maybe they were the offensive linemen and they went to the championship but then they lost and they were very sad. And if they would have lived, Eric and Dylan would be at a bar right now and be like, and we planted all the bombs and

we worked really hard, we counted down, nothing happened. Yeah, and you know. Super bummer. And that's something that Colin actually says is that if they, if Eric Harris knew that he was known as a quote lowly school shooter, it would fucking infuriate him because he didn't see himself as a school shooter. He saw himself as a terrorist, a fearful figure, someone who

would go down in history as having a gigantic body count. He wanted to go down as Osama bin Laden. That's who Eric Harris wanted to be. Yeah, just sitting with a cane with a computer full of fucking porno and nine wives, man, get to go quietly in his sleep with two fucking slugs in the back of his head. Oh yeah. This would be a good day.

I feel bad for the students who just bought some clothes and they were into school because that was always a big day. This would be a good day for sweatpants. Why? Because you're just going to be in a closet with a bunch of people, get cozy. Or if you want to talk about how half the school was emptied out because of the Zionist movement to move people out of there

ahead of time. I'm talking about the hot seeds deep within the internet. Your anti-semitism broke the microphone. No, no, no, no. It's not anti-semitism. I'm talking about truth and being the fucking tip of the spear, man. Because you know the internet is run by 10 hot seeds with

levers. Deep in the deep below ground in Japan. Yeah. What happens on Saturdays, Henry? There's something else. There's a deeper conspiracy. They're working with the Muslims. Well, I don't know if that's true.

Another question is why did kids later repeat the same stories over and over again? And this is the beginning of the echo chamber. And the echo chamber is the manufacturer of all of the myths and all of the misconceptions that we have. It started because, Ben, as you said, cell phones. There were multiple televisions inside of the school and a lot of the kids inside the school.

And it was a huge school. There were 2,000 kids that went to school here every day. A lot of the kids inside the school were watching live coverage of the event, including the interviews done with students who had already escaped. So these kids, they were trying to call 911 first. They couldn't get into 911. So they called the fucking television station.

Television stations. And so they were talking to them live while the massacre was going on. And meanwhile, like, then police are calling police stations, being like, don't fucking talk to these kids. Well, because basically, if we still have active shooters, they're going to know that they're alive kids in places inside of the elementary school, inside of the high school,

that they're going to go and they're going to go find them and kill them. So then the anchors started going like, if you're watching kids, turn the TV off or down at least. Actually, just turn it down. Or you could turn your DVRs on. What we're looking for is numbers, kids. OK.

Exactly. OK. That sounds like a joke. That's not a joke. No. One reporter actually said, this is a quote, direct fucking quote. He said, if you're watching kids, turn the TV off or down

at least. And of course, you know, for a fact. Direct quote. The Shepard Smiths of the world and the Neil Cavuto's of the world. You're just like, oh, another phone call from a high school boy. Typical.

I'm getting all these phone calls from high school boys. I love it. Yeah. But the cops asked that the journal, they told them, like, stop that. And they said, all right. And they told them they ran, they told students to stop calling and said, OK, kids, seriously, stop calling.

But then they just kept keeping calls. And this is before, when we say cell phones, the biggest thing other than the device being a phone was the game snake. Yeah. This was before Periscope. I mean, they weren't live streaming these things. So the cell phone, really, the only thing they could do was

call. Yeah. Nowadays, they would literally, they would take out their video and we would see the entire event. Oh, we would see. I just remember the old days when I used to take out my T.I. 89 and play drug dealer. Yes.

I remember the old days of sitting playing solid T.I. R. R. R. R. R. R. R.

R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R.

R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R.

R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R.

R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R.

R. R. Well, I just thought of Highlander or something, whatever. But unlike Highlander, the violence of Columbine was very, very real. And that was good, that was good, right? I nailed it. Thank you. That's true.

Thank you so much. And there's so much more to cover, Marcus. Oh my God, there's a lot more to cover. We tried really hard to get this done in one episode. We tried to do shorter episodes. We're trying to get stuff into one episode, but it's just so much stuff. Yeah, there's just so much stuff, and this is just such an important story for so many different reasons.

And the biggest reasons, you know, it's stuff like what I just can't believe is the martyrdom that has risen up around these two assholes, that people see them as heroes, people see them as the ones that fight against the fucking bullies, like no, they were the fucking bullies. The school shooters never are the bullied. They are always the bullies. They are always the bullies. They are not the sympathetic characters ever. I also want to say this too, I know maybe this is a little hokey for our audience, but

I don't give a fuck, is that we have a lot of, you know, there are kids that listen to the show too. Like we got young kids who listen. There are kids that also who have listened to this and like sex and other human activities that have dealt with issues of depression and aggression and deal with like, you know, we all have weird thoughts and we all do weird shit, but a part of it, I think that the lesson that can be learned from Columbine is that it's always good. It's so much better to make a creative decision rather than a destructive decision.

If you could just get past your fucking dark days, it just gets better. It's that whole, it gets better thing. That's just for gay kids. No, it's not. Well, it is. It's technically just for gay kids, but we're taking it. Which is good. Yeah.

It's better. I mean, actually. Yeah. So it's like, it's dumb shit. It's like, learn to play the guitar. If you're ugly and everybody hates you, learn to play a guitar. If you get really good at guitar, people are going to like you. Yeah, sure.

I mean, there's a whole series of different ways to handle it. Don't shoot up a school. That's number one. Well, I mean, go and tell somebody. Like, I think if Dylan Cleveland would have told somebody, because that's the thing about, we'll cover this in the next one extensively, but everybody involved, their parents, everybody involved, except for law enforcement, did everything right. Right.

They all did everything that they should have. They did everything that they could have, but Clebold did not tell anybody what was going on with him. Like I said earlier, like, eventually it would have gotten too bad for him to hide. It would have just gotten, it would have been a fucking, you know, he might have had to be institutionalized or something like that, but telling somebody and going through some sort of short term discomfort to get your shit taken care of is so much better than not telling someone, having it fucking bubble over and you doing something that you cannot

fucking take back. And that is the worst thing that you can do is doing something that you cannot take back. A hundred percent of people that went to commit suicide, they go to commit suicide, they talk about jumpers. Yeah. They said that jumped and lived, said as soon as they made the movement to jump, they were like, oh fuck. Well, it's just, it's just, they were just like, oh, oh, oh, this is dumb.

Yeah. Oh, now I see. Oh, Becky could have liked me. Yeah. Well, it's nice to have that kind of moment of zen and I would assume the four seconds it takes you for it to hit the water with a concrete or quite enlightening. I don't imagine so. You want to live for the first time.

I'd be too busy going, woo, woo, woo, woo. But of course, don't shoot up a school if you want to be cool, order pizza. Order pizza while you're studying in class. That'll make you the coolest kid around. Everybody knows it. The dude who steals the peach schnapps from your parents' liquor cabinet. Exactly. Do something fun like that.

And like you were saying, Henry, turn, you know, turn these angst and turn this anger into a, you can really be productive with these things because it's not wrong. You are right when you're young and you think everybody is stupid and your parents are wrong and teachers are dumb. You're right. At no point do I disagree with 17-year-old Ben. I nailed it. Everyone's a jackass.

The world's shit. And everyone, it is a very difficult place to exist. But eventually it evens out because then you get to be the, you get to be the idiot in charge eventually. Exactly. And so wait it out and you become the idiot in charge like Henry just said and life becomes a little bit easier. Yeah.

It just takes a little while. And I also like to give a little reading from the book, the Satanic Bible that I've been reading that is really, this little quote is for something to me that has made me feel more powerful recently. He that is slow to believe anything and everything is of great understanding. For belief in one false principle is the beginning of all unwisdom. Whenever therefore a lie is built onto itself or thrown, let it be assailed without pity and without regret.

For under the domination of an inconvenient falsehood, no one can prosper. You're a nerd. I cannot believe that women talk to you. It is that's written by Alistair Crowley, the man who was, he was in an orgy at the time. Anton LeVay. Oh, Anton LeVay. What kind of satanist are you?

I'm not a satanist, I'm the highest of body image of human life. If I had to choose, there are some great tenants of satanism. I want to give a woman that views that as romantic as the woman that will tolerate me until I'm a corpse. Yeah. That's great. I want to give a shout out to a listener, Misty Reigns, I was going through a bit of a hard time right now.

So Misty, just fucking keep on going, you got to get through it. And I also want to officially announce this week that our new t-shirts are on sale. Please don't wear these while committing a crime, guys, if you could. Unless it's a crime of passion. It's the thing you can do. No, no crime. No crime. A crime of sex.

A crime of passion is murder, Ben. No, it's not murder. I thought a crime of passion was... It's great. It's a crime of passion. No, a crime of passion is when you go to a Publix and steal subs. Isn't that a crime of passion? What is wrong with you people?

And I have to say, on July 6th, I'm doing Fox News' red eye at 3 a.m. So I got a TV credit and it's just before the sun comes up, which is very good. So give that a watch. Get the word out, man. That's what I'm saying. Get the word out. That's the kind of grassroots campaign we've been looking for. Yeah, so our t-shirts, if you go to cavecomedyradio.com slash last podcast on the left, you can

order the new t-shirts. They were designed by Yayoi Neko. You never say it right? We have to stop saying it. No, no, no, no. I asked. Okay. Yayoi.

I asked them and they said, Yayoi Neko. And you say they because the pronouns does not want to be addressed as he or she, which is totally fine. Yayoi Neko. So yeah, yeah, yeah. So that is, if you go to YayoiNeko.tumblr.com, you can go see their artwork and all that. Right. A lot of really cool last podcast on the left artwork.

Yayoi is also the noise I would make if I jumped off a building within those four seconds. Yayoi. That sounds interesting. Heil Gehn, everyone. We'll do a hail yourselves. Thank you guys so much for listening and yeah. Hail Satan. I want to say thanks to Neil Young for the contribution of your lyric for today's episode.

I swear to God, it's Highlander. I'm sure it was in Highlander. It's better to burn out than to fade away. That is literally a Neil Young lyric. I don't dispute you, Ben. Who said it first? Neil Young. I don't know.

Highlander was more like, I'm now literally off the top and then they cut the guy's head off. You can find Marcus Parks on Twitter at Marcus Parks. That's Henry Loves You. I'm at Ben Kissel and of course LP on the left. And also go and buy the new Kalman album. You can buy that at thekalman.bankamp.com. And we're also going to listen to another track at the end of this episode.

We're just going to fucking keep playing the Kalman. Throw it out there. Why not? Yeah, you better start buying this shit. Yeah. And people are buying it actually. Hell yeah. Yeah.

People are buying it. We're getting a ton of great responses on the album and we thank every single person who bought it. It is about seven dollars for the Kalman album. Seven bucks. Seven bucks. And one seventh of that goes to Holden McNeely. And so you know for a fact, you're helping him die slowly through food because he is

going to be buying burritos and pizzas and random different rolls with all that. And of course Kalman and Holden from the Round Table of Joe. Be legitimately, his doctor legitimately said for him to stop eating burgers like he cut them off and then he called him yesterday and he's just like, would you believe it's a whole new, it's a burger, an arcade bar that's going to be opened up next to me. Holden McNeely's doctor told him he had to stop eating hamburgers like a father telling an infant or a middle school child. You have to stop eating.

He's eating too many hamburgers. He's an adult. Yeah. A doctor went to medical school and it's just like now I tell people who are fat not to eat hamburgers. I've never seen anything like this before. It's very inside, but it's very, very funny. Listen to the Round Table of Gentlemen and to really understand why Holden McNeely is

so disgusted. And now hear him sing a song. Beautiful. Thanks so much for supporting all the shows here on Cave Comedy Radio. Top hat, Round Table, Sex and Other Human Activities, page seven, those things. Make a slush. Make a slush. Are you alright?

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