Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 186: Fairies

Episode Date: August 5, 2015

It's time to descend into Fairyland with the boys this week as we discuss the wide varieties of fairies, their practices, and why you should never eat their tiny cakes.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left That's when the cannibalism started That sounds much better They dumb Gabriel Inglisius Oh One of the last podcast on the left everybody I'm Ben Kissel joined By Marcus Parks. I'm staring at Marcus Parks, and I was gonna say in studio Marcus Parks But so is Henry Zabrowski. My name is Banika Inglis. What's that?

Ben Rika, Ben Glasius. Ben Rike and Brun Glasius? Ben Rike's here. Inglisius. And I can be your hero. Yeah, man. That's great. That's that's great Yeah, I can be your hero. I love all your hits That's if a man with Tourette's controlled the universe And can just create Latin singers well when his mind he dreams about them and then they come to life when Donald Trump's president A man with Tourette's will control the universe will be very happy You know we've been covering some really light subjects here on last podcast on the left So I think it's time we get into some really hardcore stuff. This is what I'm saying. All right

We've been too easy on you fucking retards Take it easy. All right, it has been easy breezy over here just covering drifter murder and having sex with dead women Who cares today? We're getting a hardcore deep into one of the darkest topics We have ever covered the lands of fairies. I can't believe we're going there This is really our 9-11 the land of fairies everybody on today's last podcast on the line I'm gonna put it this way, right? We came up with the idea to do fairies again to do a break from we to the It's we've been Josh and yeah, yes, because we've been very serious up until now covering very heavy subjects We want to do something light um

fairies is Dumb Topic I realized this as you don't even gnomes. I feel like gnomes has more meat to it Yeah, don't tell fairies stuff. Don't tell Terry the gnome that he'll be very upset if you think he's dumb Yeah, I'll find a fairy. You know what at times I want to grab a fairy and be like, oh, yeah I want to make your knees explode. Yeah, so I slap her tiny knees together and throw a fucking ass falls off And I pick up her ass and she'll like fucking bubblegum. I love fucking a fairy like as a goddamn Prancing butterfly. Yeah, you haven't changed one bit Terry. What you been up to?

Yeah, I've just been up to my eyeballs in turpentine getting died All right, go back. I'm hard for a goddamn fairy prancing around fucking asking for it Oh, all right, go back to your turpentine bath, please Henry's back. Thank God Marcus I'm so happy your brain hasn't been full of murder drifter sex and random macabre this week This has been such a wonderful week. Let me tell you about the books that I've been reading this week I have not been reading the hand of death. I have not been reading the most dangerous book in the world I have not been reading Henry Lee Lucas a drifter's tale Well, that is 9-11 as a magical ritual what you should read if you ever if you if you hate having

Conversations with people normally like if you hate small talk start reading the most dangerous book in the world And it'll never have a normal conversation again, of course the most dangerous book in the world is just a loaded Magnum Which is kind of fun. Yeah, these are the some of the books and these are the books that I used for this week's research I used a field guide to demons fairies fallen angels and other subversive spirits by Carol K and Dinah Mac Oh, that one is actually a very very fun book. I'd recommend to anyone I cracked open volume 7 of man myth and magic the entry by K. M. Briggs Who's written quite a few books on fairies and the power of magic by Derek and Julia Parker a book that I've had since I was a kid. I did all of my research on Yahoo answers this week

I think yahoo has all the answers. Don't go that don't go to yahoo for any sort of scientific advice Or what's happening with politics go there to discuss fairies and you'll find the truth Can we just go ahead and say fairies aren't real and it's all dumb. No, no, no, no, no fair I guess fairies are real, but again For this episode, I'm not even broaching the top topic of fairies as Interdimensional beings as connected aliens because you know what why why add any truth to this episode absolutely Well, here's a little bit of an introduction to fairies fairies as with bees a good rule to follow Concerning fairies is if you don't bother them they won't bother you and they're also pacified by smoke

Oh, yes, very good. That's a total myth about the bee by the way. I've never once said anything negative to a bee I've never even looked at a bee wrong. I've never had sex with a bee wife I eat a bit of their honey, but that's just their poop. I just think that you smell like a deer to them I think that's possible. I've been attacked and ran down by bees multiple times Also, I mean like you your whole lip is crusted with with powdered sugar. Oh, right. That's the problem Now some fairies can do good or ill Some are holy wicked and even the best of them need to be treated with respect That's the number one thing you need to know about fairies is that they always must be treated with the utmost respect like Aretha Franklin

I agree with that Lover yes, because many a helpful brownie now a brownie now does it is It is a racist idea Because the brownie fairy the brownie fairy is the Subservient helper fairy that shows up at the night It does all the work for you that you didn't want to do with a night much like a slave Because they do but you know technically you don't have to put a weird like spiked collar on a brownie to make him do it and Steal his family and kill his daughters to make him have no lust for life anymore. You have a very interesting sense of US history

Yes, by the way, the legend of the brownies comes from long before the times of the Dutch slave trade very good So yes, many a helpful brownie has turned into a malicious boggart because some fool has played a practical joke on it So what do you guys think Bogart or Bogart? I mean I like a good Bogart Bogart is what you do to a joint Sounds like Ben when he first wakes up in the morning Now there are first the heroic and romance fairies of the Arthurian legends and medieval romances I feel like most of this episode needs to be done with it Yeah, what is a medieval romance exactly?

Uh, he didn't rate me. He didn't rate his romance in the middle of it. Oh the middle ages Guinevere Middle ages a lot. Oh, right. Yes. Yes. Imagine what Dixon pussies smelled like during that time period. Oh, can I ever? Like a Bogart Well a great example of these fairy romances is Dana Oh she of Ireland They are the aristocracy of fairy land who ride and fight and hunt and live in a beautiful land Exempt from death or change the land of the ever young and each one of these fairies is deliciously white I see fairies are usually depicted positively as dainty winsome small or even tiny

Usually females yeah with butterfly like wings, but once you look down at their feet, you will see talons instead of toes They are so tiny that the whole royal dais can be caught under a man's hat Yeah, they're all just a bunch of vegans. They're all Gwyneth Paltrow's I don't like these fairies one bit. They're obnoxious. They're annoying me I don't want to be on a date with them at all. Do you want to go get barbecue? No, I just want to dance on the head of a cake Leaving a print on the icing. God damn it. Am I not getting fucked? No, you're not getting fucked you well, maybe These fairies they live in an underground parallel universe that can be entered through holes in the ground

I bet it's got the tiniest doors And you go knock knock and then a fox comes and goes oh And the box butler opens the door for you and there's nothing but tiny cakes and little shoes I feel like you're really on this cake thing. Did you have breakfast this morning? I'm I'm pretty hungry and Speaking of fairy food Henry if a human visits fairy land and eats fairy food he or she will usually not rejoin the land of the living Also, another way to get caught in fairy land is by joining a fairy dancing ring for fairies

Are always dancing in ring and it's their dance anywhere outside of a fucking ring And they are thrown out of the club and they are tortured to death Yeah, these fairies are living in nilbog when you can't eat the food these fairies are terrible What do you think no bug came from my friend? I tell you what enough tiny foods in dancing in rings And I wouldn't want to come back to normal life I don't know but Xbox and Netflix now dancing in rings 24-7, but you're tired tiny pastries Even tinier roast beef Nothing puts a smile on my face

Imagining the fairies dancing on the tip of my fucking cock. Mmm. Yeah, and I would assume they'll have curly fries in fairy land I love a good curly fry Well the best way to keep fairies away is to keep your house clean and tidy while also leaving around food drink water and Towels so they want you to be an average new Lower-eside squatter but then also keep your apartment really nice and clean You just have to be a stand-up comedian with no possessions Who just leaves out old food all the time, right?

So currently I actually am living like the fairies want and all I'm getting is mice and cockroaches So I don't know what I'm doing wrong fairies. Oh, is that what a fairy is? You should go up here Dressing a full lace like sheer outfit with a TR on and go to your landlord and be like I seem to have a fatty infestation in my home I have to come in the whole place is crawling with roaches and mice I'm almost a scant to ask them to leave because I love the sound their tiny feet when they dance Well, we're not gonna talk about the fact. I did have a conversation with my mouse the other night like your Dumbo Yeah, yeah, I'm the Dumbo. He's the mouse and he wants me to join the circus, but I don't know where there is one

But he keeps gestureing towards this gun. He's like this is how you apply for the circus He's like putting bullets with his little nose closer and closer to the gun wants me load it load it load it up Well fairies, they are often considered to be neither good nor evil. They are a capricious bunch mischievous and spiteful, but on the whole not harmful unless they are Disrespected remember that very important thing to remember about fairies. Yeah, they're like people who work at the DMV, right? Very very capricious. Yeah far too much power by the way Yes, people at the DMV well in 1670 John Aubrey the English antiquarian. This is my question

You may have heard of him. What is an antiquarian and antiquarian is the man who deals in antiquaries now? This is my question. Is that like a hipster? Is it like a dude with a handle or most session only listens to a phonograph and like 2015 is that what he is pretty? I mean, it's a guy that it's a guy that deals in antiques like for example Jack smart from last episode that helped Henry Lucas by giving him a place He was technically an antiquarian. Oh, and he brought a little fairy a little fairy back to his place, too That very was a drifter who killed a whole bunch of people So this is what John Aubrey said after he carefully recorded an encounter with a fairy

Being demanded whether a good spirit or a bad return no answer But disappeared with a curious perfume and the most melodious strength. Mr. W. Lily believes Twas a fairy I'll never be married, but I do love the figure of a lady I do especially when it's course with hair I love it Niles Crane. He sounds like Niles Crane From Frazier. Yes, I don't think we've had a Frazier reference before Congratulations to both of you. I'm the dog in it

I'm the sort of racist Vietnam veteran or maybe it was World War two Well, there have been Fairy hoaxes in the last century the most famous being the Cottingly fairies that were found in Yorkshire, England the pictures while admittedly are Pretty good. They are pretty convincing. They're not so much so that they fooled even sir Arthur Conan Doyle of Sir Sherlock Holmes fan that dude was ripped on cocaine Fucking literally being like this must first have some writing powder Yeah, fucking look at those fairies

Dancing everywhere, man, I was the other night I was seeing like four or five fairies They're telling me hey you could check a guy's shoes because you can find it from a guy's shoes whether or not He's a butler or not. Oh, I better put it in my new fucking Sherlock Holmes book. Oh, man I got another idea. What if he's got another guy? He's got a guy with a fucking bowler hat. That's his best friend Elementary, that's what I think man. Oh man. I wish you'd start a restaurant, man Sir, this isn't a book you just dumped your ink well on the pages. Oh Oh, I just need some more fucking writing powder. Where's my you holding out on me, man? Sick man

That's how the founder of penguin died when publishing Yes, sir Arthur Conan Doyle was a noted spiritualist and in that in fact he edited and published a lot of Spiritualist pamphlets right that were put out around this time So he was always looking very hard for any sort of proof that there was some sort of Supernatural presence in the world. Hmm, but the two sisters Eventually admitted decades later in the 80s that most of the fairies in the fairy pictures We're just simple cardboard cutouts from a children's book and that is absolutely fucking totally obvious Look at the pictures. It's just like yeah. Yeah

Yeah, that's fake. However, the one sister does maintain that the fifth picture There are five pictures. She maintains that the fifth picture is and it is admittedly the most haunting one Yeah, that has a little bit of transparency to it. She maintains that that one is real It's not I believe her because she's a woman and they don't lie women do not lie. I've read that they told me that before Yeah, I've read that book women don't lie and other lies from women. Yeah, I love that Written by Pamela liar Well fairies have a more a morality all of their own which does not correspond to human rules and ways all demand respect But this respect thing again, what have they done to deserve it?

They were they make food that poisons you they live in squalor all they do is dance around That's what they all they want man. How many you know dance like nobody's watching right? That's all they want to do Mmm, I don't know love by you never been hurt eat pray love eat carbs They just seem like subway performers with poison in their pockets. That's all there show time show time show time demand to be respected Yeah, yeah, I know I must kick your face and you're late for the train. I'm just up here I'm playing old hip-hop songs and I'm actually not very good at break dancing, right? I didn't miss I demand respect and you got my respect Well, what they hate above all things

Miserliness oh you can't have a bad time. You can't be a miser You can't be a skin flint No stinginess no bugaboo's no bugaboo's allowed No Scrooge McDuck's in the fairy world. No, no, no because you'll get a little spanking from a tiny hand. Yeah, they just all remind me of the Macaulay Culkin's character in party monster. Oh, there are a bunch of maniacs these people They're all these fairies are on drugs I just want to do a little bit of a crossover just imagine Henry Lee Lucas catching a fairy in his hands to snap it To his neck right here while it's flying around and then just wrapping around his dick like a cock ring

You know, I'm just like oh I've got that shoot done. It was the second one. I regretted the mode Well one thing about fairies very open sexually Okay, so this is all just Fleetwood math. Is that the deal is that what's happening here? Yes, it's just backup singers for bands in the 70s. That's what fairies were This is honestly Charles Manson's crew This whole these guys are on a bunch of drugs hanging out in a random random commune and you know Charles Manson was like the one rule Is we respect each other?

That is it. Well, you may be asking yes, they're very open sexually What are their organs like? Where do you put it? Where do you put it? Are they like humans? The answer is absolutely not. They are similar But not exactly the same for female fairies and this is I want to put it Can I read the directly from the book? I mean this isn't actually this isn't direct quoting Oh, this is from the book the magic of the goddesses, which I found which is um Disturbing Because it's just a lot of you know when someone obviously put a lot of work into

Making up the fake menstrual cycle for a thing that doesn't exist, right? Just a weird kind of thing because you know a guy thought about a four-foot tall voluptuous lady Hmm for like a four-inch tall tiny tiny lady. Yeah bleeding from the pussy That's all he thought about right months. You wrote a whole book about it. Hmm. Well, not all fairies are tiny Some like the Irish believe that astrophairies are six to seven feet tall. Oh wow my kind of fairy Yeah, that would be just like your kind of fairy Thank you, but yeah, what if they actually had six or seven foot tall Irish people then they then then the Irish would have made some Contribution of basketball. That's a good point. Oh, they have some great fairy Irish basketball players

Well, if you're wondering about the Cycles of fairies, and I know you are. Oh, yeah, everybody is they do not minstrate Female fairies you do not they do not minstrate. We're guessing But it's not school that fairy female Oh, I feel a cell just once right after she matures and then not again. So she has given birth Weaned her baby. I'm them tiny little torpedo fairy tits. Oh, can you imagine that sweet? Well coming out of them fairy mmm fairy breasts, you know Can you just make it so they don't minstrate at all?

Oh, they minstrate once they hit maturity They give birth they minstrate after each birth only after each birth They minstrate once more and then they just ovulate constantly always ready to take the seed of a human man I've met fairies like this before I've definitely heard that sentence before but mostly it's to keep you away Yeah, so they're always wanting it. Oh fairy fairy vaginas Extremely elastic. Okay, so how elastic are we talking here like Acme Cartoon threw a black circle on the wall And it makes a train tunnel like how big are we talking about like Chloe 70 elastic and a Nicole Smith elastic Oh, very elastic on Anna Nicole. I love her you'd almost say baggy

Mm-hmm. There's some change you can change Well, they're so elastic then they wouldn't they want to welcome Sperm into their womb for if you didn't know female fairies covet male Human DNA above the DNA of the fairy male because they like getting gaped They must Can you imagine cuz it must fit

They must fit on your penis like a like a like a finger pop. I say again not all fairies are tiny Imagine Prince Oberon or Princess Titania of a midsummer's night stream Back in the day when you used to go out to eat with your parents and they had a quarter machines And there was a slimy little green things that you could put on your thumb remember those things and they were like little monsters Yeah, that's how I imagine the bad thoughts of my head to be. Oh great That's how I imagine what a fairy looks like sitting on your deck. Yeah, I wanted to fuck Prince Oberon It's like half donkey right doesn't that make me like a plushie? Like technically yeah something like that. No the half donkey was prettiest

We're going to be discovering later on people who truly believe in fairies And I just think that they are the the saddest group of true believers I've ever met they're wonderful now that I'm getting into the sexual organs part of it I'm kind of into them. This is for This is just to make men like 45 year old white guys that only want to have sex with 21 year old Japanese girls Right, I mean, I'm just so happy that the bronies have a group of people they can beat up. Yes, which is kind of fun Well, yes, you know the well the female fairy desires the male DNA because

The fairy species needs human DNA to improve their own species because we are above them Isn't like one little seed the one little sperm like huge to them. Oh, yeah, damn it people Fairies are all so human size. Not all fairies are tiny. I just can't imagine. I mean, I make big sperms Yeah, yeah, I've been told I make big thicker sperms like you could see it and it goes stuff like it's like Where's my home? It comes out of my dick talking. Yeah, and so I feel like yeah Yeah, I mean, I'm confused. I'm just kind of confused. I feel sexually confused in each load Henry only has three sperm Yeah, but you may ask what happens when the male fairy has sex with the human female

Well, I have been thinking that I do just picture this fairy just inside of a human female's vagina like John Goodman in a hot tub You know On the labia his head is resting on the water's fine. Oh, it's a little actually warm in here Hey, can somebody hand me a vine or something. I mean some kind of rope. I'm thinking I'm a wee bit stuck Well, first of all the female womb is very hostile to the very sperm That makes fairy impregnation male to female Extremely rare and when it does happen. It is said that albinos are the offspring of a male female Or a male fairy and a female human kind of a kind of a just a kind of a racist myth there

I think so too. Yeah, well albinos people are people with albinism as they prefer to be called They are not a race been I am no adabino a fairy raped my mother I'm sorry, sir. That's not gonna help you get the job here at books a million You they're not a race of people. No, they're completely different. No, you can be an albino white You're gonna be an I've never well. I say I've never seen an albino Asian Well, why don't they get together and call themselves a race and take over another one? If you're an albino Asian listening to the show send a picture of yourself to the Facebook page And I will send you five dollars

You're giving people away money away constantly now because I feel bad for the albino Asian, right? Should I it made his life harder for you for his life better for anyone who's ever watched a behind-the-music when VH One used to do those you'd be like, how did Millie vanilla and TLC lose all their money? We're watching Henry do it He's just giving money away. I will say when I defaced all those dollar bills It is true. It is a federal offense and I pulled up my my my wallet and when I was going back through like I went through They what is the scanner and they had to check my wallet and they opened up and they saw all the defaced dollar bills And they're like what is this and I was like, oh, it's nothing and they're like You're not supposed to be this is a crime, and I literally had to throw them all out in the fucking garbage

But throwing away money is legal Yeah, you can't write on that was of course for comic-con Henry promised a dollar for everyone He saw the last podcast shirt believe it or not. He came home with just a couple of dollars I left no I didn't give any out, but I did leave three dollars for the maid in the hotel Ferries you're asking do they have the power of levitation? Yeah, fuck a course. They do yeah Yeah, do they the answer is yes. Oh, yes, the answer is absolutely. Yes Not all fairies have wings as we'll find out. There are many different kinds of fairies We're about to get into it these rules are too fucking loose, right?

Let us now get into the actual Practices of fairies and perhaps the most disturbing fairy practice of all is the act of stealing human babies and Replacing them with one of their own which are creatures known as Changed and again I'm going to go back and reference the alien human hybrid episode and talk about how if we want to say that fairies are Old-time representations of alien visitations to humankind and it's maybe that this is where that is based out of is this idea that An alien race was trying to combine with our race in order to create someone that can live within our dimensional space

Area, it is either that or this is all based out of loneliness Crushing crushing loneliness. Well as manneth and magic volume 7 says the birth of a deformed Moronic or exceptionally ugly child is an old tragedy Oh since the big dawn of time or ugly kids just the worst curse a family can have but sometimes the ugliest babies grow into the most Beautiful people that is very true. It really is true. Yeah, but one explanation for this for a child such as this being born is the existence of changelings now British in origin changelings are described as pale big-headed

mentally retarded or Deformed human babies otherwise known as like the royalty Yeah, the entire country. Yeah in actuality. These are not babies at all, but Elderly feeble often senile old fairies who are traded for healthy human children as we said earlier For their DNA Now that's a crazy retirement plan when you get to go and be a baby Yeah, it's kind of a Benjamin Button type situation. I want to go be a baby now Yeah, it's like Jurassic Park, but I guess the fairies version. Yeah DNA then what what happens to the baby?

Oh, it just kind of grows up in the fairy world, and then it dies like the matrix Yeah, blue pill red pill. Oh, can you are you ready to bend the spoon? Yo, man, you just took both pills Tommy oh, you got some judge rail So am I gonna see the truth or not? Do I get to learn kung fu? Unfortunately, they canceled themselves out. You're gonna work at a gas station for the next 40 years. Are you lost fishberg? Oh, no, I loved you at house guests, man. You fuck a great house guest, man You're the one of the foreign east stand-ups in the sea lawns fishberg Just never watch my daughter's porn, please you dolly-golly porn. Oh, no. God damn it. I must stop telling everybody

Now as changelings grow older, they are notorious pranksters known for stealing milk Just just like they weren't being fed milk The idea is that fairies it also because that's a main fairy food is milk cream and butter They are also known for playing music that forces people to dance against their will you mean like the fucking DJs down in Ibiza And they also break valuable objects It's hard to tell exactly if a child is a changeling but a baby born with teeth is highly suspect Also, that's a sign of a baby that is a vampire. Mm-hmm. They also sort of sound like juggalos Yeah, break stuff break stuff force to dance drink milk

Ever even everyone knows a juggalo craves their milk. Well, that's the only way you can get the juggalo fart Which is one of their mating sounds milk fago and eating old fucking black and miles Oh, right and for our juggalo listeners. I respect you and I respect you respect what you're they also like respect They do you have to respect a juggalo because if not, they'll smear their booby pain all over you the men and the women Oh my goodness in Ireland suspected changelings were burned to death on red hot shovels You know, you know who never would have made it out of that alive? Crispin Glover Well, it's an ugly man. Abe Vagoda as a baby never would have made it. We wouldn't have those people in

1895 also in Ireland a young woman was burned to death as a changeling by both her husband And her family working together because she didn't want to help invent butt stuff Butter is good lube in Ireland And a favorite way of dealing with changelings in Ireland was to whip it until the fairies came to take it back So many retarded kids. Yeah, you know, just not having a good time You know now we treat them with respect and we give them Spinny hats teach them how to weight lift right they can compete against each other in the cruel games known as the Special Olympics Yeah, back then they were just just destroyed immediately

Russians just put them in cages. They whipped them and we put them to you know, force them to do athletics And sometimes they manage restaurants. Don't forget about that. Oh That's when you would hug all the people which is inappropriate because there's a problem. Yes, I know he was mentally disabled and running a Restaurant it was fine for him to hug everybody, but that was like a weird 40 year old white man He's like, you know, I like to give all my favorite customers a little bit of a hug. Yeah, don't mind the planer He calls the stick the planer I'm not fully convinced that man didn't walk out of that restaurant and become totally normal just like Kevin Spacey and in the usual Suspects, I think you just like man this doidoy thing. It's really working out. I'm hugging everybody

You know also did a lot of hugging welcoming customers into his restaurant that Jared from Subway. Oh my goodness He's a Well a common English changeling tale tells of a baby who never grew was always hungry Never learned to walk and lay in its cradle year after year and had a strange hairy face The mother's oldest child a soldier came home and was dismayed by the odd creature the soldier Suspecting that fairy mischief was afoot took an empty egg shell Which he filled with malt and hops and heated it on the fire laughs came from the cradle I am old old ever so old said the changeling but I never saw a soldier brew beer in an egg before

Before the changeling knew he had been tricked the soldier went after it with a whip and the changeling ran out the door and Returned the normal baby to its crevice. I'm going to go to a strip club and look at some ass I was how was dancing the other night It was a bit of weird elderly, but baby man came in and just kept saying Tristan shout Tristan move how I love how your ass can groove and just slap the weird tin cup on the table over and over again and Through weird medieval coins at me. So it was pretty good. It was good. Yeah. It was a good night Then I saw Brian again. I think we're gonna be together forever

He made me soup in an egg shell Well, if you are a new mother or father or if you've got a baby on the way I'm sure this story is particularly Disconcerting to you and you may be asking yourself. How do I guard myself against such a horrible thing happening? Well to guard babies against changelings the Scottish would mix whiskey with dirt to feed the baby as its first food Also, what the parks is dead to Marcus as a child And I've got I never get sick and never get sick Marcus padded his stomach ever so I do believe you do never get look like a changeling for a second

Yeah, you really did Other ways to protect against changelings are to drape the father's trousers over the crib Or hang an open pair of scissors above the sleeping child or Surround the crib with a ring of fire. So all of the things to do are just Endanger your child. Yeah, just make it like you know a fire match from WWE So you got Kane's got to be lit on fire by the Undertaker or a bizarre carousel. It's just involves scissors Well in Ireland, here's another thing that you can do a charm was made from old horseshoe nails

Hen excrement chicken shit for our southern listeners And salt that you would rub on your baby And that would scare away the changeling who would then return the knot at all Mentally challenged perfectly normal baby that you and your wife deserve so I do I don't want to be anti-Irish anymore But it just seems like the Irish did quite a bit to Torture and destroy the mentally challenged obviously they they don't do that anymore Which means at some point a reformist had to come along and just be like don't salt your babies Hey, listen, hey, hey, hey, no, I'm just like any other McGillicottie on the block

I love to do it to an ugly child There's nothing I like better than covering an ugly fucking retarded kid all covered in chicken shit But we got to stop it because there's a thing called television now and people are taking pictures of it See all right, and we're losing a bit. We're losing some girl Okay, so every single time let's put this way every single time you want to rub Butch chicken shit on your retarded kid just have sex with your wife without a condom Oh, there we go the old Catholic way So you guys there's been already a lot of misunderstandings about fairies

Yeah, specifically from the two of you I just refuse to accept any new fairy facts into my mind right That's a very good idea. Yeah, well be open gentlemen. All right because we're about to go into another Subsect of fairies. These are not your stereotypical tiny fairies not even your larger Uh Princess titania Queen titania Okay, these are nature Serena Williams fairies Princess titania in my mind is I see

What's her Serena Serena Serena Serena Williams? I see her body Your butt waggling everywhere. She's got fairy wings on She's got like a thing That's what I see Serena and Venus the world was dangerous threesome They'll kill you if you mess up. I want to be dead that way Oh, I would love it and it's what a great time for women's sports Rhonda Rousey USA women's soccer and Serena Williams again. I hope she lifts me over the threshold someday No, I would love that idea. Well the fairies we're about to cover now

These are nature fairies forgotten gods spirits of streams springs and lakes spirits of trees guardians of animals and plants and of growing crops also put it this way if you run an Etsy shop and you make Fucking charms or some shit. You can just make a charm at any one of these things and you'll sell at least 12 of them Oh, at least yeah first up is the Nixie Teutonic in origin the Nixie is a freshwater femme fatale fairy closely related to the mermaid and that she has a fish-like tail and heaving bosoms However, she's giggling Not so much into her tail, but I do like her tits

And I like it's just I look at the fish part of it. I'm like I feel kind of weird, but then I look at the kids You know, I'm like that's all right She is completely green her skin hair teeth all of it totally green She has also been cited posing as a gray horse doesn't make any sense, right? Let me continue. Okay. She is distinguished from the mermaid who is usually interested in only sex Yeah, like a tawdry fish Slut Well, that's how mermaids kill is they bring sailors and men underwater not understanding that men need oxygen to breathe

I just don't care a man You still fucking the fish part and it's not like she's got a human vagina No, you're just like the thing is again a tits are great and I'm gonna the mouth is great She's pretty she's got nice hair and stuff like that, but she's still got no actual human vagina No, if you want to have sex with the mermaid just go on the top of your roof and fuck your shingles Well Her penchant she's not necessarily in to sex her biggest thing

shopping shopping Oh my god She often appears in marketplaces under the guise of an old woman like a Hasidic woman looking for Deals in century 21 She's usually discovered by a child or a clever villager who lifts her skirt exposing her fishtail A clever villager I would never say because then you could say someone like Ted Bundy was a real clever villager Yeah, most subway sexual people most subway sexual assaults are done by people who are just really clever villagers Being on a packed subway is no reason to be a clever vigil villager keep your hands to yourself judge

I thought she was a fish fairy. Well, they are clever because they notice that she drips water wherever she goes So you see an old woman pissing herself right and the first thing you think is better lift that skirt Seems like that. It's a nixie in town. That's a clever villager that elderly woman urinated in public doesn't look embarrassed enough They have been known to marry mortal men for whenever a young wife vanishes It is certain she was a nixie if she was last seen sinking into a body of water and the water turns the color of blood I feel like Drew Peterson needs to use this on in his defense for all the women that he's killed It's just a damn as she was a nixie and I'm not being fun about it. I mean, I mean believe me Yeah, I was walking around was feeling real clever. It's all an old woman pissing herself and I'll lift her up

The next thing you know did that did a little diddle yet a yet a yet a we were married, right? And then she just disappears. What am I gonna do about it? Yeah, she had a fish pussy. You're free to go mr. Peterson and another innocent man exonerated by judge dukemse I only do fairy law The male version of the nixie is the knock who is often heard shrieking during shipwreck He takes the form of a bird but has also been seen as a horse Or a half horse or half of a ship or a gleaming silver coin

Or a ring stick to a form make rules and stick to him This is the problem with these fucking fairy ideas. It's that they could just be anything They can be in what's the point of even having one form if you could be like six other forms I just feel like an uncle was out with it with a with his with his you know Nice and she just was like what's that he's like it's a knock and then she's like what's that it's another knock Believe it a boat and a horse can be the exact same thing. It's a knock Yeah, uncle trevor's going through a divorce because so he's sick of making up fairy tales for his daughter So he's getting bored the next thing you know, we got a whole fairy fucking

Disagraphy going on all like still merillion about horse shit Now you the knock very dangerous to protect yourself against the knock Spit in your water before you drink it All right, whatever very good. So that'll protect you against a uh great great great also a good way to just you know More and more ways last podcast to the left makes your tender dates more difficult. That's right Spit in your beer. I'm protecting myself from a male nixie I have to go to the bathroom Oh for some reason Deirdre never came back, but I did so fervently swipe right

Another of the water spirits are the meros a kind of irish sea fairy They are never seen without their red caps covered with feathers and are said to be charming and seductive But extremely vengeful if wronged the first merosighting came in 887 ad When one washed ashore of scotland She was documented as being 195 feet long with seven foot fingers a nose as white as a swan Cool I just say cool. I think it'd be a cool tattoo A lot of us also sounds like cool tattoos. This is another good thing for ladies

If you want like a full back tattoo that's like sexy or one of those full like leg tattoos All this shit's also good ideas for that. Oh, yeah, go read the field guide to demons There are some amazing illustrations in that book a lot of good tattoo ideas And of course this was in scotland. This is in scotland So they just measure by how far three people can spit And so one person spits the other one goes to where that person spat landed spits again and then one more and so it was 193 feet again. It's also the farthest the man can piss. Oh, yeah There's all different kinds of units of measurement in scotland. The male marrow is deformed and unshapely with green hair

A red nose and tiny eyes They stay underwater and keep the spirits of dead sailors and cages at the bottom of the sea It is said that female merrows prefer human lovers to these creatures. Oh, great. Cool. More fake stuff Awesome. Oh, but you know, it's not fake. In fact, our friend Ragnar from Iceland Will absolutely say that these people are not fake and we cover them a little bit on our gnomes episode The hildreff and I actually do fully believe in stuff like this This is where I do believe in don't get me wrong, right? We're making fun a lot of shit I believe in elemental energies

I believe in sort of interdimensional creatures and shit like or entities or everyone to say They come in and out of our multiverse because we live in a fucking hologram I don't want to get into it because I'm already mad. I'm already kind of upset about today's episode No, no But there are things that they're taking seriously a lot of people we will listen to in the research of fairies There are a lot of interesting serious stories from people who live in harmony with these weird energies, but again, they're aliens. So, yeah The hildreff that's all I have Well, the hildreff they are invisible, but populace

Some say that their hats make them invisible While others claim that their power lies in their special coats Yes, I bet it does if they're invisible. Why don't why don't they just be naked? Because they're still civilized ben But no one can see them. I don't they can see each other no mark is there There is no answer to that No, they can see each other they live in a society just like we do but it's invisible Are the hildreff oak asking the same question of us?

You mean tell me the hildreff oak wouldn't be walking out with their cocks and titties out all the time I would be that seems like a fantasy island. I can get I don't know. Why don't you fucking skype ragnar and ask him? Let's skype ragnar. Wake him up from a dead sleep Let's say hey ragnar, shut up wake the fuck up shut up shut up. Do you hildreff oak have their dicks out or not? Only ask only ask in the tough question Well building a house on a hildreff oak dwelling can be fatal So it is very important to check to see if they are present because they are invisible if you are uncertain

Leave a tool behind at the building site overnight and if the tool is missing the next day It is said that the hildreff oak have given their sign that the space is already occupied It's also how you can tell if a bunch of um illegal mexicans are squatting in an apartment Yeah, or some gypsies or something then they're the pedipary They are from the Maori people of new zealand. They are tall Red-headed Exceedingly pale. Who does that sound like? Somebody I know. We have to end the show now And they are rarely sighted for they only move on foggy days, which is weird because normally our little

Pepe pray Pepe paray, Pepe paray. What is it? Pepe paray? Pepe paray? Pepe paray. Oh, we have one It's sometimes really grumpy on foggy days, and he likes to sleep in Pepe paray. The males are expert flute players. That's where the big differences Yeah, between our pets is the fruit. Well when you say flute That's the that's the little thing you hold and you hold and you you close it up there and you bend it And then you make it into a heart and you give it to a girl. No, yes Is that what you do with it? Yes when you like to flirt with someone like you are an abominable slow-maker

Yes, I'm always bending things. Me make valentine Me need beautiful woman to You Make me feel comfort in night. Yeah The males they are expert flute players and they use their skills to arouse human females Which is the opposite of what normally happens when you are in a marching band. Yeah I mean, that's what jethro toll was all about. Yeah, it was all about the lead singer figuring out that you could Get laid playing the flute. I also take it singing about old men looking at little girls in the park

Hmm Ed used to be it was fine in the 60s to do that It really was but I'll take it back about the marching band thing marching band people get a got a lot of dick and pussy Oh, yeah, yeah, I have my I have my first I caught my first feel on a marching band trip. You caught it, huh? Copped you copped it. I copped it. Were you being a real clever villager? Yeah, sounds like you're supposed to ask for it. No, I was I copped it. Yeah, no you cop a feel Now did what was she expecting to be copped it? She was completely down with being copped. Well, she was like, yeah, come on and cop them

You better do it soon because I gotta shine my glockenspiel before 945 Texas love. She was a clarinet player. I'll have you know, we've gone over a lot of different fairy types here Gone over the fairy spirits. We've gone over the traditional fairies. We're going over a ton of different things here Now you may ask yourself How why? What is the explanation for all this now the explanation? What is it? Yeah, Marcus? Yeah, you got some explaining too Right the fairies are sometimes believed to be the fallen angels that were not evil enough for hell But still followed lucifer in the rebellion and as the fairies were falling from heaven

Jesus held up his hand and they stopped short in flight the most wicked the lucy fugi Fell into the mines and caves of earth and became kobolds and No, I am sick of medieval nerds. Yeah, the loot the lucy fugi the lucy fugi lucy fugi Or the or the lucy fugi. I think it's lucif lucy lucy fugi the lucy fugi They sound like the ones that bust down and bust into restaurants with oozies and kill everybody Yeah, you're a mess with the wrong number of the lucy fugi family Huh next time you know what I'm gonna do you want to mess with one of the lucy fugi what I'm gonna do I'm gonna ruin your your batch of walnuts with my tiny feet. Okay

I'll give you an offer you can't refuse I want you to be a brood in the shell of an egg and the beautiful bosom of my daughter my neck and neck How she dances on top of a beautiful icing cake You've never seen anything like oh She's she's the feet of a fish. Oh, you won't believe it. Huh? She's got the pussy of a fish She's got the tits of my daughter No some Fell of course down into the depths

But others fell into the sea and became mermaids and water spirits Others fell into the woods and others fell near habitation And those became brownies and hobbs whose duty it was to work for man without reward Another belief is that fairies are people who died before their time and were too good for hell But not good enough for heaven Or if they were babies that died before they were baptized like chris farley could be one You know what I'd absolutely think chris farley might be one Or if a lot of people who say that they took pictures of these fairies, uh, I think a good explanation them for them is uh

They're bugs. Oh, no. No. No, I just big bugs. No now that I believe they're reincarnated chris farley's Which explains why every single morning I wake up and there is an empty bottle of vodka in my living room And I have no idea what happened the night before. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Nothing like a brownie fairy to come and help you in your blackout. Yeah Well a less common theory. We've got to finish that bottle of vodka for bed because if we don't finish it He'll finish it in the morning A less common theory is that fairies fill an intermediate space between man and angels Spiritual animals if you will and that comes from the shakespearian idea because there definitely was they had like a view of man

Where it was angels man animal demons it is sort of like because everything in Fucking british terms has to be some form of hierarchy because you have to know where you stand Of course all given times for some reason you can't be free like a goddamn red blooded american as far as modern believers and fairies go There's a lot of different ways that people regard them, but there are definitely modern believers Let's hear a story from an old irishman Who had an encounter with a fairy when he was but as they say a wee lad Not only did he believe in them he had seen some evidence I believe there was such a thing as fairies

Well, I've seen evidence so one time we the mclean's where I grew up they bought a mayor from sydney And uh, she was a beautiful mayor and she had a beautiful mane and beautiful tail And I used to pass an awful lot of the time combed out their Mane and combing out her tail and one time morning I went up to the barn To uh comb the main note and the main was all braided So I went down to the house and I said to them I say so I was only around 12 then I suppose And I told them I say there's something wrong with the mayor's uh main So they all came up and the old fellow said right away. He says open the she and the work of the fairies

I believed it was the work of the fairies because that was the what the mclean said and anyway, mr. mclean He went up to the barn and he stayed there all night, but shortly before dawn. He kind of nodded and fell asleep When he woke up the man was braided And there was nobody committed to the burn the doors was oh the heck was going to braid a man a mayor's mane anyway It had to be done by some spirits of some kind What people don't see though in the video is that actually the man is completely nude in a barrel of Guinness Yeah, yeah, yeah, nothing sober about that story Of course as Henry said earlier

He went to yahoo news for some answers Modern day fairies. Let's hear What some of these people have to say yes, here's the question Well, I kind of believe in fairies. I liked ready stories on the internet about fairy encounters I don't want to seem crazy. I'm not I'm only 13 too young to be crazy Lol, but I love fairies and I want to know if they're real. What are some encounters people have had with fairies? What are some food fairs like what can you do to attract them? You can attract fairies by doing offerings while fairies cannot actually consume the offerings

They can absorb energy from them. They can also send a real creature such as a bird Squirrel dragonfly Or other being To eat the offering. My fairies are named moya and gills They each have a different tree that they go to for offerings I scryed their names using a crystal and a Ouija board to talk to them. No Ouija boards aren't evil. They're bits of wood with letters and numbers on them. I've been using one for 30 plus years Again for your offerings home baked goods are best

Foods with artificial additives and preservatives are not good both for fairies and humans You can buy goodies for them, but try to stick with organic goodies or foods without artificial ingredients And the sources are pagan. I'm not crazy either. I'm a middle-aged teacher And you wonder why our children are dumb and you wonder why we're losing to china On every single level. That's who's teaching america. And there's one more good one. This is another answer Yes, okay. I've been studying these for two years now And I encountered one is a woman saying a song to attract fairies in the next day some fairies kidnapped her about three feet tall

And talk her to fairy world and danced and ate fairy food and then the fairies took her back home And then she woke up on the ground in months pass and people thought that she was a witch and they sent her to jail Then years later they sent her free because she Conformed that she was a witch and she had good health because the people didn't give her food and fairies brought her fairy food And food fairies like oh, well, I think one is milk and that's all the food they like that I know and how to attract them hopes this helps And that's also your traditional drink This helps and that's also your traditional drug cartel kidnapping

And yeah, yeah, also known as girl with nosering trap next to on bus, right? Wow, what an episode on fairies right there. That's our Dumber yes indeed. I'm sweating profusely out of sheer stupidity. Oh my god I'm sweating out all the knowledge that I've gained over the last couple years I hope you've had your fill of fiddle music because I'm sure we have covered most of this episode with fiddle music Correct. We do have done this. It is filled with fiddle music. Yes, very good. Yeah, I love as much fiddle music as you can fucking stand I hate flogging molly. I hate that. I love it. Do you like that? Do you like that irish punk stuff? I'm telling you, it possesses my feet like they have little fairies and I have to kick them

Yeah, you're a regular peripahe I am a peripahe and that was very informative and educational and it's nice to know where I came from Yes, and now I just have to learn how to play the flute or I'll just continue to bend random things Yeah, no one knew that Ben was an aboriginal from New Zealand. So nice I was previously just a bigfoot or a yeti or a sasquatch, but now I'm also a Now you have enough information to go out and talk to any 290 pound Stevie nicks looking 45 year old woman that you want That's right

And if she walks out or he walks out after you spit in your water then it was never meant to be never meant to be He couldn't handle your stuff in the first place because if they can't handle you at your worst They don't deserve you at your best. That's right. Always show them your worst first always always That's bad dating advice Well, thank everybody for listening to the show. I want to or I guess we all want to thank uh, morgan winegarten for sending us her mortuary sciences Practice head in the mail. I actually got to open up a box and see

A head staring right back at me so excited realistic human head You don't see the grimace like smile on marcus's face like a wolf howling at the night I mean, I actually got to say What's in the box? And there was actually a head in there What's in the box? What's in the box? What's in the box? Yeah, it was his wife's head. Um Can I, can I maybe? Is there a real skull in that though? I just want to ask. There is not a real skull What it is is that it is a a practice skull that they have and they cover it in wax

They give them a picture of a dead woman They say or that picture of a woman or a man and they say they have to reconstruct the entire face using only Wax and makeup and it is Amazingly creepy, but also somewhat beautiful in my eyes at least absolutely sure and I'm glad it's here at a basement of a Mexican restaurant I'm gonna mount it on the wall That's great You know, we don't big game hunt here, but we will mount human heads. That's right. Well human heads that have been constructed That's right. Yeah, and if you guys want to send us any weird shit our address is uh 10 93 jackson avenues and into

The creek in the cave care of last podcast on the left, uh 10 93 jackson avenue long island city new york 11101 and here is a reading from the satanic bible for today I want you to take this with you because i've been thinking about it the satanist Shones terms such as hope and prayer as they are indicative of apprehension If we hope and pray for something to come about we will not act in a positive way, which will make it happen The satanist realizing that anything he gets is of his own doing takes command of the situation Instead of praying to god for it to happen positive thinking and positive action add up to results And again the man who wrote the satanic bible was simply trying to get laid and those are just how you uh organize an orgy

That's really just perfect rules for that I will actually say that that entry from the satanic bible really turned things around in my life, right? Yeah, like that is one of them to me. That's one of the most inspirational Yeah, it's great. It's easy reading. It's a lot of fun. I would recommend do what I do is sit down Roll yourself up a fucking like a fucking Gandalf stick smoke it while listening to Wagner and reading it out loud to yourself whoa stew from mbc a-to-c

Um hail hail sweet satan. Yes again sundays at 12 15 an adult swim Please watch new episodes of your pretty face is going to hell I'm gonna keep plugging it because fuck you and you have to watch it. You must watch it Well, I think they love to watch it. It's a great show and the fourth saturday of every month at 10 p.m Is uh the last podcast on the left live show. That's right. We live streamed it video wise last month And we got over a thousand people watching it and that was just announcing on the facebook page We're announcing it right here for the first time on the show that we will be live streaming it every month now We got it down to a fucking sweet science

Uh, so we will be posting the link. You'll be able to find it on the last podcast on the left youtube channel Uh, and that's the fourth saturday of every month at 10 p.m Eastern And if you are in the area be sure to come out to the creek in the cave. We had a fucking fantastic crowd there last Oh, it was so fun every live show is amazing and it's great to meet everybody and you guys are all wonderful people Uh, thanks so much for supporting all the other shows here that markets and I do uh roundtable and top hat and of course markets with jackie Zabrowski uh section other human activities. Uh, everything is going great here at the station So thank you guys so much. Yeah, and one more thing for lp on the left at ben kissle at Henry loves you at market sparks

And go to cave comedy radio dot com slash merch To buy uh your last podcast on a left t-shirt because remember the heart ones Limited edition and they're going fast. They are unbelievably. They are beautiful and once again. Thank you to yay. Oh, y Uh, yeah, you make some good magic. Yeah, you really do the t-shirts are fantastic and we're sending them out Uh this week so be on the lookout ladies and gentlemen light a candle jerk off bring some magic into your life Cool shit can happen for you. That's right. Hail yourselves and hail gain. Hail me and make gustalations to everyone and every child Yeah, all right. Yeah

Yeah, for more shows like the one you just listened to go to cave comedy radio dot com