Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 195: Listenerpasta III - He's So Cold

Episode Date: October 7, 2015

We're kicking off Halloween month with our third annual Listenerpasta episode! Tune in to hear us read Creepypasta written just for us. Includes demigods, Civil War ghosts, flaming genitals, and more.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left That's when the cannibalism started People with nose hairs are good at telling the weather That's actually a fact what I don't know, I feel like some guy with a mentally long nose hairs told you a fucking lie Absolutely not. I think some guy with a mentally long nose hairs was just trying to find some way to desperately fit into society Because technically we should be shunned I'm very good at weather predicting. There you go, Marcus. Yeah. Yeah. I've always said that about Marcus

All right, can we start the show? Yes. All right. Welcome to the last podcast on the left everyone I'm Ben Kissel joined in the studio by Marcus Parks and in Toronto. Henry Zabrowski is there all naked No, I'm Ben Kissel. No, you are. I'm Ben Kissel. Oh, I love when you introduce us on the show Ben Kissel I'm Ben Kissel That wouldn't be what I say though Wouldn't be I've got long pants on because I've got big legs. I'm Ben Kissel I'm Ben Kissel. My hands are too big for gloves. So I have to wrap sheets around them in the winter time

That does sound kind of cozy sheets for gloves sheets for gloves. Yeah, then sheets for gloves Kissel That would be a better nickname than I've had my whole life, which is oh, you know house for feet It's really sad. And house for feet Kissel. Yeah, classic I could see how that probably came about for when you were terrorizing small villages And you got one of their huts stuck on even one of your huge toes Yep, then they laughed and laughed at me and I said i'm done killing. I'm gonna become an entertainer It'll be great. Well speaking of entertaining the month of october is upon us Thank you satan for your pumpkin spice things. Thank you satan for your many black cat things

I'm gonna give pumpkin spice to a different deity though. I don't know which one yet, but I'll figure it out Yeah, like lord fartamus I hate pumpkin spice things. Why is the only october thing I do not like I hate pumpkin spice things All right Well, whatever the thing we do love is pasta and we specifically love it when we get it from listeners and we mostly love it When it's super creepy and today we're doing creepy listener pasta We actually got some very creepy submissions from some people Out there and I think I think we're getting better

I think what we're gonna do with last podcast on the left is when we've said this before creepy pasta at this point in time Truly sucks balls And let's take it back Let's take it back and make it better This is the first start. This is our alamo. We lost the battle We could take it back today is our goal yet Okay, or possibly our san jacinto No, or if you will send jacinto. Oh, and I will is that when you guys realize hi, you know, we can reload these guns

No, that's when we figured out that you can slaughter mexicans during their afternoon siesta. Oh, that's a true story That's how texas want its independence. We killed the entire army while they slept It's why our economy is doing better than the spanish to the spain the spaniards. They're always sleeping on the job this way Okay If your society Has a pre-ordained nap Built into it. I love it. You are going to be vulnerable to attack Yeah, because you're not like germans, you know, kissle never sleep never

And you raise your children using a harsh like a mixture of A direct attack for disappointment. You know, it's it's creative discipline. Oh my god. Let's get to a listener pasta Oh, okay. Now before we get into this listener pasta, we're gonna start how we always start. I just wanted Wherever you are right now first thing I want you to just take off your shoes get them feet out So, you know really enjoy yourself. All right, then just open up the flyer pants Hopefully you're not wearing any underwear and not in public again Wherever you are. Well, listening to this podcast. I don't care if you're in the middle of a run I want you to take off your fucking shirt and whatever if you're a man or a woman take off your bra

And then I want you to just roll up Mmm. I got this stuff right now called god kush Right, that's just fucking thick. It's like dense nooks very hairy on I want you to get some of them to ranch legs I want you to get your fanciest knife I don't want you to chop it up on a chopping board the way you'd normally chop up your basil. You're you're personally Right. Yeah, chop it up on that Just get a fucking piece of parchment paper from your grandfather's will

I'm gonna roll it up in that And fucking doob it down until you're not a person anymore and be ready to get fucking creepy pasta Until you got shit in your pants Or just vaporize All right, so Henry you're starting off, huh? Yes. This is a story from jj hug What was that same kind of last name's hunk? I love it the jj hug jj hug. Do you think it's a real last name? I don't know. I hope it is. Yo, yo, jj hug. I do not kiss. I only hug Come close to my chest. I like to I heard a 22nd jj hug makes endorphins release

You know if you if you hug somebody in bed, it's called cuddling That is that is an isolating sentence. You shouldn't just say that normally That's what's the difference between cuddling and hugging is that your opener when you start talking to a woman? No, no, no, no It's a huge huge man It's just coming up to you and saying, you know when you're hugging bad, it's called cuddling Well, you gotta go I've got house repeat. I don't know if you can tell. No, I mean all the people running up and down my legs because they're scared of me They think i'm a giant tree

JJ hugs story I have basically a ghost story that is juxtaposed by a personal human horror that was going on at the same time The first eight years of my life I lived in a room that was haunted and the haunted was localized to my closet The figure I saw on more than one occasion looked like an old shirtless man Whose face had been deformed by burns He would talk to me at night on a more than one occasion attempted to get me close to the closet If I walked by the closet sometimes he would try to reach out and grab me

As soon as I was able I would run from my bed pass the closet and into the kitchen any time I left my room It was always cold in my room In the middle of summer in massachusetts You would sweat in every other room in the house But rarely ever in mind which would have been awesome if there weren't for the freak that liked to whisper uncomfortable things to me Kissel you remember that from your home life. Absolutely. My dad. Yeah Well that was going on around the age of six my family began to be stalked by a mental patient He would come by our house and unlock all of our windows just to let us know he'd been there

We had these sliding windows When we came home We'd taken the windows out and replaced them so they were all were tilted in their frames At night he would open my windows and talk to me I was very scared of him I would steal knives and sleep with them under my pillow at night as well as hide them around my room so I could get to them My parents testimony and our idea of him put him away for a long time We certainly never saw him again

So I was terrified to be in my house as a child due to the ghost in my room And terrified to go outside Because that was where the dark man lived that would open my windows at night Kind of got raised this towards the end there. You got a little bit. Yeah, I didn't get it No, no, what you didn't convey is that dark man was in quotes I mean, I think the creepiest person in this story is the kid hiding knives all over his house All over his room if I mean his parents, I mean they probably they probably sent us another creepypasta about a terrifying sun They had

He's taking all the knives. We tried to eat steak and the sun would just go. I don't know where the knives are You know, it's just like well, you know, we we knew he was lying because um, he'd have knives sticking out of his pants pockets Yeah, yeah, all right. So this next story is from ariana didn't get the last name This is from ariana gronda gronda. This is who it is ariana grande You heard ariana grande was a big listener of the show. She loves it. She does. I'm gonna give you a shout out ariana Popped them tops off enjoy yourself. Love you live girl I agree with that

When I met my biological grandmother, I was about four years old She had a painting that she made herself hanging proudly on her living room wall The subject matter was a sweet smiling very realistic little blonde girl Nobody told me who the girl was and I wasn't interested in knowing because I was terrified of her I avoided the living room like the plague I always felt like she was actually watching me and I swear I could see her eyes move to follow me across the room Like one of those cliche haunted house movies I wouldn't be able to enter the room without crying and screaming and I had to go in there in order to get to the front door

Later on when I was older. I was finally told who the subject of the painting was It was john benay ramsey furthermore My grandmother used to dress me up with heavy makeup and take elaborate photo sessions of me nothing sexual Just not exactly appropriate for a kid. My parents were weirded out by the pictures And I was recently told they suspected my grandma of secretly sending my pictures To child passions. Ooh This is my problem is that

If I were to have a royal painting of john benay ramsey in my home that you made yourself Yes, I would be taken away by the feds. Correct No, you can paint any pictures of uh john benay ramsey that you want really? Yeah, you're fine You're an artist. What if I did john benay ramsey as princess laia slave bikini? Totally fine Yeah, technically you're protected under the first amendment. Yeah, man. I love this country Now don't do that in toronto. They'll make you prime minister That's about fucking Ooh the reptiles. I met one. I met a congressman like one of their one of their parlor whatever the those fucking

Parlor man, whatever they are. I don't know what this country has. What do they got prime ministers and parlor man over there, right? Yeah, I think they've got a parlor man. I don't know. I saw one and she looks like a rancid old bitch And I just wanted to I almost just hit her with a fucking trash can I wanted to pick up a trash can throw at her. She was shaking hands in the in the uh in the street But what I did was I got back at the fucking reptiles I said she took a bunch of pictures with people and I photobombed throwing up the fucking goats Yeah Good job, Henry. Hell yeah, dude

Politics are local. You weren't crushing it But don't throw you can't throw garbage get in the reptilian. They love trash Thank you. Yes. Yes. No, he must vote for me. Yes Yes, you will vote for me even though I mean technically we are far to technically superior race to all of you and could come and just take over but I will disguise myself as a politician and go through the grassroots campaign It takes to elect Olivia chow to whatever position is. I'm not really is this a parliament I do parliaments work

Municipal government is the true path of change. Ah, yes You know just because their reptilians doesn't mean they don't love democracy I will fix the potholes. Also. I will make a soup of women's tears gosh All right, so this let's see we got one here It's for me. Yeah, and it's by this guy richard osmond. This is this is just gold um So every saturday this nice guy he would take you know every saturday the nice man next door takes my daughter to the playground down the street

Where I used to play as a child so he used to go to this playground as a kid So he remembers it and then he's like, oh, we'll bond my daughter will go to the same playground And we'll continue the legacy the osmond legacy Yeah, well I did I got one long one of the uh towards the end here This saturday he didn't show up. So I decided to take her myself like a you know good dad Finally, yeah, uh only to find it had been demolished 10 years ago. Where was he taking her? So the guy the guy let his daughter go with the next door neighbor to the playground And then the guy probably had a stroke or something couldn't pick her up one day

And the guy's like, I'll be a good father take her to the playground. It had been demolished 10 years ago. Where's he been taking her? Where's he been taking her? So that's my question because that's the thing is I normally just let a dude Yeah, I'm only associated by address with To just take my fresh young daughter. Oh, yeah, look what happened when elbert fish did it You just always give your young daughter to your neighbor. I would tell this at least he ate her succulent young ass Deeply covered in spices, you know, I mean because at least because he could have just killed her and raped her and left her in a gutter Yeah, but you know he almost did something worse though

Hmm. I mean he did have a time He doesn't know where he was taking her though. Where do you think he was taking her bent the guy who with the playground? Is there a blimpy's around? Maybe a wendy's a water burger He's probably taken her to the archery like arena so that she'd become new Katniss ever worst What's her name? Katniss nerdy Katniss nercy birds. I don't know. I don't read those fucking but the hunger games, right? I don't know. I just remember Jaylaw's boobs. Mm-hmm. That was from a leak that she Her phone was hacked. Yeah, that was a 4chan thing. Yeah. That's why you don't put nothing in the cloud

Nothing nothing in the cloud. Mm-hmm. That's what I say Except like, you know, I keep putting them out in the cloud, but they don't show up anywhere No takers. No takers. No takers. Sometimes the cloud rains down naked pictures of Jaylaw's titties Sometimes the cloud rains down naked pictures Be Arthur Oh, man, I wish the golden girls had the cloud back then. She had a thing. I'd like to call long belly Yeah Let's read this next tale of woe and horror. Oh

The flutter of bats. That's the flutter of your tits The flutter of bats. No, that is that is boob. Yep That's kind of kind of sound like bad. It's just kind of sound like bat flutters. Yeah I'm just guys my new bat flutters Yeah, so I'm in a Mario Brillo wrote a poem about uh witnessing a UFO Which is very interesting because he says it's a true story, but he wrote it in poem form And I really appreciate this. Mm-hmm. And so this is the name of his poem on witnessing a low flying triangular unidentified flying object in the Hudson Valley

1985 Also a B side of a rush album. Yeah gives a lot of way there in the title. All right. Yeah Relax dear reader and this truth behold I saw a flying saucer more of a triangle be told It was the summer of 85 and I worked at a camp Strolling across a lush field with not the light of a lamp. I wasn't alone There were two right beside me. We three saw this light clear the top of an oak tree One red light moving so slow in the darkened sky and remarkably low

We stopped we stared we smiled uneasy and when the one light broke we all became queasy For right in front of three pairs of eyes six ocular orbs. No reason for lies There was no explanation as much as we tried as we watched the red light split into five All floated together as slow as a turtle our minds tried to leap this unfathomable hurdle First moving slowly but not very high an aircraft is heavy. It should have fell from the sky We watched and we shivered we shivered we did Feeling like dumbbells or lucky or kids what we saw wasn't miles up in the air These were not tiny stars twinkling quote-unquote up there

There were five perfect lights and a triangle formation Filling our souls with fright and elation. They made little sound Perhaps a low hum. I wish you were there because I know this sounds dumb But as we stood there excited watching the craft I opened my mouth and began to laugh We realized right then that what we were seeing was a real UFO yet had no thought of fleeing And neither we or the craft for took a sweet time Hardly high overhead slowly sailing sublime The rate of its movement was way too darn slow to keep it aloft and yet we watched it go

Slowly but surely these five bright red lights passed over the treetops and into the night So let's just go back to drinking the keystone light and uh, I guess then you know, I don't so uh So we're gonna go back to brownie chuckle Yeah, we're out in the woods to suck and fuck each other away from our lives Oh, no, but did anyone see the lights in the sky? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but also, you know, anybody see this fucking There's a worm. I got coming out of my fucking overalls. Oh, you know, I think it's nice It's gonna be nice with the three of us to fucking crawl over each other like a bunch of snakes

It's time for me to pin a missive about our experiences. Okay, I guess I'll just jerk it to this fucking mailbox Yes, I must away back to our hut Guys got the car Oh, I'm playing birdie in the worm and the woods and then you see a ufo. It's an exciting weekend wherever they're from Here's the next one. This is by derrick lingren When I was about four years old when I was living in california My family lived on the second floor of an apartment building one night while we were sleeping My ma heard our hamsters squealing in the living room

When she went out to see what the hell they were freaking out about there was a man on our deck With tools to break open the sliding glass window She freaked out and ran to get my dad's sawed-off shotgun in the closet because he was overseas at the time But before she got the gun, she picked me up and put me in the dirty laundry basket and put dirty clothes on top of me By the time she got back to the living room the man was inside the house And he was unzipping a large duffel bag that he had brought with him My mom pulled the shotgun on him and told him not to fucking move or else she would blow his brains out While doing this. She also called 911 in a few minutes. She had the cops at the apartment

She let them in and they arrested the guy and apparently he literally shit his pants when my mom pulled the gun on him And in the bag they found duct tape Rope skinning knives and other torture implements. I mean he thought he was going to be the multitasker But then she was the multitasker got the shotgun got the gun open in the door This mom was on fire. She was like a hindu goddess. She must have eight arms or something also They had guard hamsters You don't know what's what's the but what's the best to protect each person's home as individual choice for them Yeah, I've never heard of a hamster making any noise whatsoever except when my sister and I found one of our

guinea pigs growing up dying. Yeah, yeah They don't make no they don't like see things and make noises. That's very strange I don't know what they I don't know how they train those hamsters to protect the family Henry remind us one more time what happened when your guinea pigs died So my sister and I heard they we heard in the middle of the night We were up in the middle of the night and we heard the guinea pigs making this Noise and we walked over to it and the guinea pig was laying on its back just going like It's like body fucking shaking real hard. It was obese. It was obese. Yes, but it had led to

guinea pigs are supposed to live for like three years because they're fucking two pays With a heartbeat and they're just supposed to die. They're just supposed to be food for other animals. Yeah, like that's all there. They're bait And this one lived to like seven On I don't know how it lived and it just sat there and so basically what happened is what I think the what the doctor said is that it's It's it's throat turned to liquid shit. Like it just died. It's just fucking died hardcore official diagnosis Yes, mr. Browski But it was the middle of the night and so me and Jackie are both like we're not waking up mom No, you know what? We're gonna let her sleep and we'll we'll deal with this tomorrow. So we let the thing die. I guess

We didn't really know We went to sleep But I woke up in the morning to my door swinging open And my mom walking in with the dead guinea pig in her hands Going Henry Thomas his body so cold He's so cold Which is horrifying. She did the same thing when my fucking grandfather died. Yeah I think she's gonna do the same thing when you die too

Oh, he's body so cold and then I had to go out and I had to dig a grave for it Oh, like I was Igor I was sent out to the fucking backyard to dig a grave for it And my mom wrapped it in fucking tin foil like a burrito And then we threw it in the garden we threw it in a hole and my father's just sitting there He's like your mother woke us all up to have a fucking funeral for the guinea pig. I can't believe it was still alive I forgot it was alive Oh, man, that's kind of fun. It's like a Hawaiian barbecue. Right? That's where they do the tin foil thing And they bury it under a little bit of ground and some cooked it up. I love that story. Yeah

I love the mrs. Abrowski just got everything fat Like everything that she like knew and loved. She's like, I will make it fat I will make it mine She would nothing would please my mom more is if I died by eating by 37 But she would just love it. She she was viscerally mad that I lost weight. Yeah She was like legitimately. She's just she's just like, oh, you think oh, so oh, so you're skinny now, huh? So you're just not gonna eat the meatloaf, huh? That's what we're gonna do You're not gonna eat the things I've made for love for the love out of you

What I did to support you all my life. And I was like, you made me 320 pounds Yeah Well, you're gaining it all back. So don't even she'll be happy next year No, she don't know because I'm fucking riddled with muscle because it's even it's almost getting hard for me to make my Fat flutters. No, it looks like it's close to difficult Looks like it's extremely easy This one I'm a whole halloween soundtrack. Yeah, you are body

Good god, it is special. Um, all right, so this story it's from a guy named pat paul Buchanan very different from pat Buchanan. Uh, well, who knows want to say pat Buchanan Buchanan You just I know you in your night. I can imagine any the girls you date hearing you all night just going like Oh pat Buchanan, silent majority, silent majority They know it all those girls I'm dating aka bags of popcorn that I'm eating Oh So one girl what? I haven't seen a girl in years

All right, so this is a story by paul Buchanan. This is a heartwarming one. That's why we gave it to you Okay, I had a cat Bartleby Bart for short. That was that I was very attached to I'd rescued him from an abusive owner He had fleas matted fur Terrible teeth one of his fangs was broken. So the pair of us were basically inseparable I don't know why that would make him a because he's a little freaky cat But anyway, that's sweet. So we love this cat. So the pair of us were basically inseparable Five years five years back his health went into freefall. I did everything I could moved heaven and earth But in the end it was kinder to let him be put to sleep

I was a horrible mess since I basically lost my best friend People around me keep saying you should get another cat. You're the kind of person who needs something to look after But I was adamant. I wasn't ready to get another pat Thing is whatever I said this stuff would happen around the house I'd hear his footsteps running in the hall Seeing movement out of the corner of my eye He had little toys that would light up and flash whenever they were knocked about and I'd find them randomly blinking A couple of times I'd feel something brush against my arm when I was sitting down

Like he was like, he used to say hi I a couple of times. I'd feel something brush against my arm when I was sitting down like he used to say when What the hell is this? A couple of times I'd feel something brush against my arm When I was sitting down like he used to like he used to to say hi Yes, it's it's I I'd feel something brush against my arm when I was sitting down like he used to Just say hi, okay, but we're missing a comma there. That is true. That's my fault. That's an acting. That's an acting That's acting

I Didn't get that Sasquatch roll I just want to make that clear again. That's the Sasquatch thing you auditioned for two months ago. Yeah, they haven't called me yet, so There's still a chance. Well, I'm still cream as screaming into the full moons whenever I see him That's how you get acting rules, right? Anyway, so this guy's cat's dead so far is sad And there's things moving around his apartment every time he thinks about the cat right eventually I got a new pair of kittens tail and Chester and the weirdness stopped It's hard not to think that yeah

This was my old cat checking up on me and that once he saw I would be okay He went on to wherever but any religious types who say animals don't have souls or whatever Bullshit animals have more humanity and soul to them the most humans I know so then he took kind of a hard turn there Exactly he definitely doubled down on that and became a very sad that then the story became more sad. Yeah, so Anyway, rest in peace To Bartleby the cat yeah, I can just imagine you Be in a doctor telling a family that like the mom has cancer like in that same told with that same tone

Where you just you just mean like well, you know What do you believe it just seems like Hot under hot under the collar Cancer yeah better than saying her throat turned The shit No, I would say if I was a doctor and I had to give the bad news that somebody's mother or father or child had cancer I'd say think of the worst memory of your mom Now I got some good news for you. She's got cancer

Okay, you know how your mom was a real fucking bitch remember that old she's got cancer. She's got cancer Softening the blow I think it's really very important. That's really important. Remember your worst Christmas your dad just had a heart attack So you won't have another one of those think about the positive So this next story is by William the bill Samuel Big long bill Samuel Is that a good nickname for big long big long bill I love it. It's just kind of another name Supposed to go like I don't know like frog horns something like that

No, I wish my name was Henry hard Henry Zabrowski My uncle is the straight-laced guy. He was a math and physics teacher But now a math tutor and it's safe to say he's a bit of a bore We'll make the most interesting story seem dull and almost refuses to exaggerate the truth on anything So he's not a liar like me So when he told this story every one of my family believed him He won't tell many people in fear of being labeled as that guy So I'm gonna leave his name out of it, but we won't his name is Marvin

Mm-hmm, and give his address, please it is 4 4 4 Bartleby University Lane Hmm strange Several years ago he and my aunt lived in a pretty suburban area on a main road Outside the house was a street light that would stay on through the night and they had to buy blackout blinds to help them sleep Was one of the factors that helped them make their mind up when they decided to move into the Neath Valley One night my uncle was in bed asleep when he said there was a glow in the room that will come up as They hadn't lived in the house long. It was stupidly late when he was half asleep He thought it must be the street light outside his window

He laid there and dozed for a bit, but then the realization hit him. They had moved. There was no street light anymore Curious he got out of bed Careful not to wake my aunt and wander downstairs He went to the front door where the light was still shining and opened it He stood out in his front yard and said he couldn't believe his eyes a Large cigar shaped object was moving down the valley emitting this large orange light He said there was no sound that he was stumped by what it could be He said he stood there for a while, but then things went fuzzy

When I asked him to describe fuzzy, he said it was hard to explain, but it was almost like he wasn't himself Like he was having some sort of out-of-body experience if he was aware that he was still in his body He said he seemed to then black out after this feeling and then he found himself now standing in his back garden in his pajamas With no recollection of how he got there and he had a killer headache Confused and frightened. He went back into the house locked the back door and then remembered He was originally standing in the front garden, so he locked that door then went back to bed He says he fell asleep almost instantly when he woke up in the morning He said that he felt that all had just been a bad dream. He didn't really believe that what he saw was real

That was until the following day when he was reading the paper and saw an article about a UFO Splotted flying down near the Neath Valley Oh My god or Milton burl The cigar the cigar also Your poor uncle was was raped by He doesn't want to talk about that. You're gonna already know this

We know that we already know this problem by Whitley Striever They don't want to talk about it because it's that guilt of the pleasure. They felt And it's very it's it's sad for him. Yeah, well, yeah I mean the aliens know what they're doing. They they're milking them people, you know cows don't want to give it up either It's kind of like I feel like you have to make you can't just steal the cums from balls Because I feel like in the end like you know, they're not gonna be this they're not gonna be the sweetest swimmers Yeah, I think in order to make semen. I'm not really sure I'm not a doctor as you can tell But it seems like if you really want swimmers to be swimming you should give them a little bit of a

Like they should have a nice time getting them out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to force them out Yeah, you want to coax them out you want to coax them out? Yeah, that's true or put sharks in the water chase them out Just kind of more of the probe approach. I was like almost keeping my girlfriend up last night talking about how There's an alien thing That is true that they talk about being in the presence of grace. I think we've talked about this before about especially the tall grace that There is such a visceral animal like reaction to when you see one apparently or is this idea that like literally you lock Into sort of an arched back with your hair standing up on your body because you literally have an animal response To seeing a super predator like it's like an alien like a fucking lion

A cornering a rabbit that you literally are you you had you go back to like a natural animal state It's very interesting. Hmm. Also when you're on dates with me, I Was just say butt up face down. Let's do this alien Come and get me aliens. I got a real nice land in strip for you I'm gonna put it this way if they really do make you shoot as hard as I think they make you shoot They do I'll try it once Yeah, I'll try anything once put the general cup on me once. I'll try it. Mm-hmm. I'll probably you duck duck me I'll probably be like hey, hey, hey, why don't we do the thing where you make me shoot ropes, huh?

You know, they're like we hate when they're eager Yeah, you're gonna ruin the whole thing All right, this next story is by Claude Wilson Who helped us out quite a bit with the 9-11 magic episode? Oh, okay Yeah, and helps out quite a bit on a lot of stuff Claude Wilson great magic guy This is a nice bit of a Lovecraftian writing called the gods of man The earliest of humanity's religions all follow a very simple pattern. They have no loving savior No utopian afterlife for the goodly no divinely ordained morality

Spiritual beliefs were nothing more than the interactions between masters and slaves on a far greater scale The gods were cruel tyrants who were appeased by any means with human slaughtered on mass like farm animals their hearts and blood Sacrifice to creatures known by many names They all ishtar Woden Clalock Moloch even L that dread idol still feared in countless temples and churches

Take me tie a lock now in this age all priests are merely fools or thieves the deluded or the deluders The truth has been lost to them that over the course of thousands of years The original role of all the earth's bishops and shamans and imams and monks Was simply to stave off the wrath of those ancient things which we stumbled upon when we were still apes We had found them in primordial towering cities of all chalcum Built by abominations which walked like men the favored servants of the horrid pantheon of the gods and So to please those capricious lords of this world The cruelest and most ruthless of the ape men took it upon themselves to spill the intestines of their kin upon crude altars of

Stone and obsidian these wretched rituals continued in cycles almost eternally Offering up the energies released by the victims death throws to the eldritch ones After millennia feasting on suffering in pain the old gods found themselves contented for a time Gorge on countless souls they entered into a death-like sleep beneath the currents of the ocean and the crust of the land The sacrifices did not end with their slumber as the descendants of the most merciless of the ape men the Priest kings continued to provide slaves and captives to appease the old ones Appetites and to keep dead and dreaming but humans are forgetful

ignorant and Easily impetant beasts the priest kings Already heartless by nature and corrupted by power took the rituals of old and made them into religions To celebrate their own glory and suit their desires Slowly the sacrifices to the primal gods of old ended in favor of celebrations and Massacres in the names of the priest kings and their mythologies This has truly been our greatest folly for now without fetters to keep them in wrapped in sleep the old gods begin to rise and

They are hungry for Auntie Anne's pretzels Up to the nearest airport and buy yourself a soft delicious buttery Auntie Anne pretzel extra salt please Yes, I love that if that's all just ad copy. Yeah, I Love Auntie Anne's I was walking through Penn Station the other day That's smelling Auntie Anne's and then right by the bathroom and it was very confusing for my nostrils

Just the poor ad man who just wrote these things been like and I will reveal the truth of the old gods Also sell the new nacho cheese filled and see and square pretzels. It's easier to eat They think that one's with little hot dogs. I'm not too I'm sorry, Jerry. You know, we really appreciate all the work you've already done here You put a long hours you're the first one in the last one to leave But we cannot bring about the end times of gathoul I'm with the October sales thing. I mean we want to do these pumpkin flavored pretzels We do and we want we're trying to get into the Halloween spirit

But the old gods are surely gonna destroy all forms of reality I'm starving That's all I know all right, so this one is For me to read it's called rabbit man by Daniel and it's really one of the best best so far One night I saw a big-ass rabbit that looked like a man Man's body rabbit head Donnie Darko style except white head and paws shit was scary Also, I shot a big foot with a BB gun once it might have been a bear Thanks for the story man. Oh

That's the best one yet Really good story. You want to redo it I think we got it in the one I think we did it Big-ass rabbit look like a man. He also possibly shot a big foot or a bear with a BB gun Well, now I saw big-ass rabbit look like a man. This man's body rabbit head Donnie Darko style set white-headed Paws it's scary. I bet You know because it's like hair type thing. I don't like things with you know when things have like a natural rabbit head Yeah, I think it's very creepy a natural rabbit head

Yeah, like instead of like a creepy rabbit head if someone has a real just sort of rabbit face kind of like the David Lynch rabbits Yeah, yeah, and also an inland empire and all that. Yeah. Yeah, she really creeps me out Yeah, they belong on rabbits If you put a human head on a rabbit, that'd be just as scary. Yeah, you got to keep the heads to yourself Don't be mixing up the heads. This isn't return to Oz See a human head on a rabbit. It's okay. Don't give it a day. Take don't tell anybody, right? Don't I love this gig all I do is fuck all day long just other rabbits though, which is weird But yeah, get used to the pussies

You got to close. Thanks. Thanks, Bernie Henry so this is by Alec Ritchie So it started when we moved in with my stepdad He lived in a two-story house in a middle-class neighborhood that him and his father built themselves The paranormal activity started almost immediately after we moved in It was the typical slamming doors and missing items, etc. Our cat became a recluse as soon as he stepped foot in the house He would claw at the kitchen cabinets forcing him to open and hide in the back corner He would only leave the cabinet to eat and shit

Before moving to the house. He was your typical cat We were a military family so he'd been moved around a few times but had never acted like this His behavior never changed. He hid out in the cabinet until the day he died Certainly after we moved in we were hit by Hurricane Hugo at the time was the most damaging hurricane ever recorded After the storm cleared my mom said she woke up and said started talking to my stepdad Who was sitting at the foot of the bed? She said she was talking about the storm and commented on the clothes He was wearing she described it as a wool jacket and hat He was an extra in a civil war movie and she thought maybe he put on the set costume for some reason

After talking to him for a bit. He didn't reply or even turn around to acknowledge her He just looked at the back window that face a backyard. She looked out the same window to see my stepdad removing fallen tree limbs with a chainsaw She turned back to the figure at the foot of the bed and he was gone The bastard flappin again only the creatures of the night. No So did his stepfather often get up in the middle of the night to put on his civil war costume I mean he could have been a sex thing because I don't know I haven't met many women like this But you know, they're probably some women. They're like mm-hmm Nothing, I love better than a hot set of nuts all wrapped up in wool. Oh, yeah, totally. I love the scent

Yeah, the scent of the sweat from the wool though the woolly sweat creates yes Mm-hmm. All right, this next story is called the legend of fucky hollow One night Iqabah comes had a throbbing boner dick and needed to drain it So he went to the pumpkin patch to find a place to dump his goo He found a fat ass slut squash Pound his cock through the side. He kept screaming. You like the way I fuck you or Or gourd mouth a guy saw it someone bought the pumpkin he blasted his fucking load into made a pie with it It was salty and the guy got mad the other guy told a piece Iqabah jizz and the pumpkin one time

The mad guy found Iqabah cut off his dick So if you're ever eating a pumpkin pie and it's salty you should go to the nearest covered bridge There you will see Iqabah with a flaming pumpkin. Where's cock should be? Thank you for the story the legend of fucky hollow has to be made That's the only story so far that I could see being also a big-time series on television Although I think he changes Iqabah it comes to Iqabah jizz there by the end no no no no no He doesn't change it. It's he saw Iqabah jizz Yeah, it becomes a verb. Ah, yes

Mmm, you know when announced become verbs your favorite type of English Ben. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Um, I all this is People are really starting to get us Yeah, I mean they really get what we like. It's just for me Yeah, for us about cut off his dick for you big flaming pumpkin where the cock should be I think it's very nice. Is it a cut is it a pumpkin shape? Is I guess that would be like a gourd or a squash. Well, it's a pumpkin on his dick It's a pumpkin spirit on to his dick. Yeah, but it says where his cock should be implying that there's no cock there Yeah, I think it's a like the headless horseman has a pumpkin for a head. He has a pumpkin for a penis Iqabah comes that is

You know it takes a village It takes a village this to shall pass All right, Ben take take us home. All right, so this one's from a noe. Yeah. Yes. I know I know it's whatever and you know, and you know, that's today. I'm new y'all What fun stories they've been so far. All right, so this is it was during this. Okay, so this is there's no name It's just called and I was just this name. Well, yeah It was during the summer of 1985 Well, Richard Ramirez was on the loose and after getting out of work in the middle of the night

My brother realized that he had forgotten his keys And so not wanting to wake my mother he decided to go through the window but doing so he made tons of noise Which got the attention of the neighbors they called the cops and once they got to there They broke down the door to my mother's house and held him at gunpoint half asleep on the couch After they realized that he wasn't the night stalker the cops apologized for the door my not the trauma Not just the sheer trauma being held at gunpoint gunpoint. Well, you're half asleep, but the door they were very concerned My mom and the cops had a good laugh about the whole incident and they ended up taking my brother to jail for having weed in his pocket Very nice, but sorry about the door. We are gonna take your son anyway

So this is this about the scariest thing of all which is about race inequality Mixed with the criminal justice system. Yeah, this one is too real There I say real to be too real to not be scary because that's very scary That's mostly just a cops can just break in your house, right and fucking arrest you just because you're being Mexican Yep, just and you had weed in your pocket But they would have never known had they not broken into your house and held you at gunpoint that is true And you said that he looked at a picture of his brother from the time. He said he was much uglier than Richard Ramirez But on the other hand, it's hard to be prettier. It is he's

What I wish every morning when I wake up if I would have a Richard Ramirez next to me giving me a little butterfly kisses Oh, those cheekbones Sweet hot leather God his mouth is rotten teeth. Look at his tongue in and out licking in the front of your lips You know, she's like, oh nothing like being at home. Yeah smell of fish eggs on his breath. That's great Disgusting just the sugary comes coming out of him The sugary eight and coming all over your knees while you're sleeping. That's the worst part. It's just makes me think about the deep dark dungeons

Dungeons of the crypt You could just replace an entire studio sound The people who break the celery when somebody, you know has to have their leg broken in a van dam movie. Mm-hmm Foley artists Foley artists the bats would be my children. Oh, they're the only ones I trust in the night We have a need eyes to see. Oh, what's that sound? It's pains that's a chain noise. That's good That's a door noise. Henry. We have a woman. She's walking down the street. She's elderly. It's raining. She steps into a puddle and falls There's a witness and whoa, it's a given to me a bit of a slip-a-doo

the bats will come and save me The bats will come and care me to say oh, no, they're just nipping on my breasts. Oh, there's no milk in there little bats We ain't looking for milk. We're looking for your sweet teddy blood There's so many things that I do so many soundscapes that I can make for you So please just an easy fee of $1,200 I will make a soundscape for you my main noises are um I can make bat flapping noises Yeah, I can make the sounds of toddler feet stepping on a bunch of pizza dough and I can make the sound of Male breasts slapping against a male belly

Yeah, that sounds actually totally wonderful as soon as the only sounds you need that's it a Squid clapping its tentacles. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, if they saw a really good show by the oysters Send an email to cavecomanyradio.com to set up your appointment today. Mm-hmm No, we just want to I want to go see some ocean some ocean theater Yeah, what are the oysters playing in for this year's holiday event? Love them. They got big tongues When you're eating oysters you're eating a shells tongue No, you're not eating a shells tongue. Yeah, you are the whole body of a thing in there that doesn't have a brain and they just make

It horny it's got a brain All right. Thank you guys so much for all your submissions. They were unbelievably fun. Yeah, this is great So yeah, thank you guys so much and next week. We're gonna be hearing stories from people actually gonna be calling in If you guys sit in some to us, we're gonna be getting a hold you in the next couple days To set up a time next week And if anybody out there still wants to submit a story if you want some last-minute submissions We're gonna be taking them until probably Friday Cave company radio at gmail.com is the address to sent to send us a very short

Description of the story that you have to tell us and we'll set up a time for you to Skype in with us And a high old keen everybody. Yeah, hail yourselves in this wonderful Halloween season And remember yeah, cuz we're fucking it's just amazing to like talk to the listeners of this month this precious precious month Welcoming Satan back into our lives. He's the only one who listens. He's the only one you can trust If anybody tells you to trust them, that's not Satan they're lying Okay, but then take that with a grain of salt Remember to come up with questions to ask our resident wizards we're gonna have two wizards on the show in three weeks time to

Possibly do your queries and or maybe do a spell for you. Yes Yes, and Ragnar will teach you the good way to do chaos magic magic and the bad way to do chaos magic Yes, he has good very good examples of Successes and absolute disasters. All right very exciting. Yeah, and go to cave comedy radio calm Slash merch to buy your last podcast on the left t-shirt. Follow us at LP on the left on Twitter Marcus Parks is also on Twitter at Marcus Parks. I'm at Ben Kissel. Mr. Henry Zabrowski is at Henry loves you Thanks so much for supporting all the shows here that we do on CCR roundtable and sex and other human activities Which has been amazing. I listened to it the other day. Oh really your voice is milky and nice. Thank you

That's nice. I won't listen to that show because if I hear another single thing about Jackie's vagina I will throw up and I will never stop throwing that's right Well, you can hear Jackie talk about it on the roundtable of gentlemen as well. So you really get enough of that That's great. That's great. Yes. Jackie being a Henry sister. Yeah, two other shows and yes and top hat and all those Programs so thank you so much and I'm gonna do a hail yourselves. Mm-hmm, and I'm gonna do a make goestalations. Oh, all right hail Satan Again ritual Creates perception creates a reality get with the program people get with it anything. Well, let's see. Is there anything else feel good Um, we have a live show say you guys have been awesome

Todd talking about heroes on the on the on the Facebook page and on Twitter and it means a lot to me I'm live tweeting every episode for heroes reborn if you want to ask me a dumb question Then I'm forced to answer publicly. I will do that. I am also if you notice. I'm trying to put some truth out there I'm being too real for NBC They have yet to tell me to stop But doing my conspiracy corner, but I want to get into some discussions I want to get the Robbie K fans Activated into thinking about conspiracy thoughts. So let's do this people. Yeah, I love it

And I saw it was it's at a seven point seven on IMDB, which is very good. I mean, that's yeah, that's like great That's solid. Yeah, we're doing a good. Yeah, the show is doing great show is doing great Yeah, and the live show this month if you want to join us for the October live show It is going to be on the let me check real quick exactly when it's gonna be It's always the fourth Saturday of every single month. So this month it is going to be on October 24th 24th October 24th Creek in the cave 10 p.m In Queens, New York off of the G train and off of the 7 train if you want to come out and travel for it Yeah, come on out start making your plans now if you want to have a new key spooky October

It's always super fun and thanks so much for watching the live stream whenever we do it live those They seem to be doing very very well. Yeah, we're loving it. Yeah. Good. Bye everyone Good bye start working on your costumes now. You don't want to be a last-minute Sally You have to see it. Oh, don't be a last-minute Linda. All right. Get your shit together. What about last-minute Larry? You guys don't get one. Don't be sexist Say hail me Henry hail me. Yeah, because you have to otherwise then the tradition is broken and everything falls apart Hey, you're right. You're right. I keep forgetting about how a loose tenuous line. We have a reality Yeah, yeah, goodbye everyone for more shows like the one you just listened to go to cave comedy radio comm