Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 205: The Detective Popcorn Christmas Special

Episode Date: December 21, 2015

A brutal homicide. A desperate cop. And a BUTTERY SONG. It's the Detective Popcorn CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! Join Detective Popcorn and a sleigh-full of surprise guests as they unravel the mysteries of friendship, family, and MURDER. Not familiar with Detective Popcorn? Listen to parts one and two of our BTK Killer series for a buttery introduction. And if you’d like to support the show (and receive some bonus goodies) please visit our Patreon page! Starring: Henry Zebrowski, Ben Kissel, Ed Larson, Jackie Zebr

Welcome to the last podcast of the left, I am Ben Kissel, as always with Marcus Parks and this guy over here. Hi, hello Henry Zabrowski, Heroes Reborn, 8pm on Thursday. Check it out, literally. Still? Yes, we have three more episodes, NBC, please love a god watch it, I need that money. It's a great show. It's Christmas time everyone and during the Christmas season people receive gifts, there's

gift gifts. Here at last podcast on the left, we have decided to give you a wonderful gift. And the gift then also lets you give us a gift. Yes. Double gifts! Everyone's getting gifts here. The gift that we are giving to you involves one of the best characters that Henry Zabrowski has ever created, and that is of course Detective Popcorn.

We have been talking about this idea for a long time, literally two years. We've been wanting to do a little bit of a Christmas special, even though I hate the holiday because it celebrates the birth of the mortal enemy of my dark lord and savior Beelzebub. But we decided to, we really wanted to encapsulate the Christmas spirit in a last podcast way and so today we are delivering unto you this Christmas special from the world of Detective Popcorn. It's a little murder mystery.

Some of your favorite stars appear and I think you guys will really enjoy it. Yes, and in addition to that, Ben mentioned giving maybe a gift to us. We have officially launched our Patreon page. You can go to patreon.com slash last podcast on the left and sign up for a monthly subscription. Of course the show is still 100% free, but if you give us a little bit of money each month then you can get some of the bonus content we've been talking about for a long time. And you can also get some special things, go check out the page, there's a ton of stuff

on there. And most importantly, Marcus Parks will get a tooth! Yeah, I'll get a new tooth because I've got this big hole over here and the chicken keeps getting stuck in it. And I have to lick it for a long time to get it out and it's very unsettling. That is sadder than any story I've heard on the subway from somebody cling-clang in a bunch of change in a cup asking for cash. So I hope you guys enjoy this.

We put a lot of work into this. Ed Larson guest stars on it, Jackie Zabrowski, my sister guest stars on it. And another character of mine, I'll let it be as a prize, is on the show. That's right, no spoilers. So happy holidays, merry Christmas, or whatever you want to celebrate, but here is a wonderful detective popcorn mystery. My God, what happened? This is Officer Dumkins, looks like a probable 1-8-7 over on Candy Cane Doodrop Road, send

a meat wagon. This is a mess. What happened to her eyes? It's Christmas time and I love this season. Detective Popcorn, thank Christ you're here so fast. You know I love to solve crimes, I also love to pour Parmesan cheese all over myself, any problem will do, so much variety in what popcorn has to offer, delectable low calorie snack.

Okay, well that's wonderful, but it looks like the victim has died of blood loss. If all this blood is hers, she's been hollowed out, it's like a pack of dogs ripped her open, but I know dogs and they don't stack up guts like that. This shows a person did it, and she's been sodomized. The curry on me, that makes me Indian, mmm, put a bunch of Hershey's kisses in me, that's what I become the most sinful, chocolatey savory treat, perfect for any time, I dare you to deny me, mmm, thinking about it. Whoever did this crime is a true monster, oh that reminds me, I gotta put on a Christmas

special for all my friends, mmm, fancy treat for the ears and eyes, so many cookies dancing in thing, crunchy exteriors, mmm, the soft, delicious, interior, Tina Fey will guest out, Ted Danson will also be on the show, if the audience is lucky enough, mmm, cheers. Detective Popcorn, please, we're in the middle of a homicide investigation, but I will also remind you, it's already Christmas Eve. Oh no, Ted Danson certainly will not be available, whatever shall I do? I made no phone calls to celebrities, I've choreographed no dance numbers for my cookie friends and my candy bar friends, mmm, just crispy nougat in the center, I'm mad about

Christmas though, but mmm, macadamia nut white chocolate, mmm, it's very good, if you like that particular flavor combination, and I do, mmm, most people do, Christmas time is a good time of year for snacks, mmm, mmm, thinking about it. God, why are you on the force? I'm in need of Christmas miracle to pull this off, oh my, oh my greasy bottom, is that Santee Claus, oh yeah, on the garage, and you're on you beyond Drupy, on Stoopy, on weed, on Coke, on squeaky, here I come, yeah. Hey, sorry the bus was late.

Charles Manson, mmm, how did you get out of jail? Every 55 years a man spends in jail, he's allowed to leave for Christmas Eve one time to help someone have a merry Christmas. So I can't immediately arrest you? Not until the stroke of midnight on Christmas Eve, thanks Barack Hussein Obama. I'm the luckiest living bag of corn that has ever been, and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one. You're gonna see that baby and dig, I invited everybody I ever met to come to your Christmas

party, Ram and Jam, Detective Popcorn, Squeaky, she didn't really get back to me, and the devil himself. Wait, wait, wait, the devil likes Christmas, Charles Manson? He invented it. Jesus was born in February, in the year he didn't exist. So what do we do now, Charlie? Just think about the Yuletide flavors, just mmm, mmm, turkey is all stuffed up to its giblets and gizzard stuff, mmm, a boat all full of savory, glistening brown gravy pools

of grease. Mmm, you know it must what makes a genuine southern gravy. Mmm, the smell of desert ass inside an old tent, mmm, mmm, unwashed butch hair all over my nose. Maybe you guys should just sing a song or something, I... Oh, I didn't know we were doing songs, you know? Oh, now this is one of my favorite songs, it's about how sometimes all you need to do is play a drum for Jesus Christ and that's good, that's all you need to do.

But normally I make up my own songs. But don't worry, Charlie, I'll handle this song then. I just, I just feel... Let me handle it. I just feel like I can join in on this song. But you don't have to worry about it, it's sort of my thing, I'm excited to sing the song. I just think that I...

No! I'm a musician. I am with you, Charlie, and I'm not shooting it down, but... I'm a musician, I feel like. I can't necessarily include you on this specific song, but maybe later, okay? So you're going to start singing without me? Like I should be included on the song parts, because... I work with the Beach Boys, they took two of my songs, you know.

This is what happened the last time. They didn't let me sing my songs back then, and you know what happened the last time. I'm getting, I'm getting legitimately, I'm getting legitimately mad, you know. I'm about to hop up over there. Wow, that was so nice, I almost forgot we're doing a Christmas special right next to this dead body. It's easy to forget if you're not thinking about it. You know what?

I never forgot. So when do you think your friends are going to come, Charles Manson? It won't be a party if a million people don't show up. Mmm, I'm going to make my pecan pie, mmm, mmm, with a schooly center, and a snippety snappity top, like Patricia Heaton. From Everybody Loves Raymond? Mmm, she was always mad at Ray, funny circumstances with his parents living across the street, mmm, thinking about it.

I hate to break your detective popcorn, but nobody's coming. I may sound lucid at some moments, but I am legitimately insane. You see, Christmas is not just about the trimmings and the tressings, little popcorn man that I am sure I am hallucinating. Sure, Christmas is all about the lights and all the gifts, and Christmas, a magic fat elf he breaks into your home at night, he can read your mind. Not every single thought you have, both innocent and sexual. But what Christmas is really about is friendship and family.

It's about who you spend it with and showing people that you love how much you care about them. Sorry, I had a 50-year-old pussy haircut on my throat. You're right, Charles Manson, all that matters is that we're together. Christmas is in our friendship. I once had sex with a horse because I won the bet. Oh, could it be? Santa!

Santa! Ho, ho, ho! Merry-go-good lord! Is that a light bulb inside that dead woman? This is the seventh victim of the living room furniture killer. Oh, so he makes people into... Living room furniture, yeah, yeah, yeah. Merry Christmas, Santa!

Ah, it's Charles Manson and a living bag of popcorn with a police badge on. You know for a fact that I never killed anybody, Santa. This is true. But you did give Harold a five-year-old once. She needed to relax. I find you a humor to be satisfactory. I like you, Charles Manson. Something my mama never did.

Well, you're your presence, even though you should be on the novel list just for being awake. I love it when the children sleep, huh? And I can watch their dreams. All right, huh? Help me out quickly, crap it. No way. No, it can't be.

What is it? Wait, okay. Oh, oh, oh. This is a jar of pussy juice, Santa Claus? It's what you asked for. I would cry if I wasn't afraid that my tears would turn into ghosts. Oh, now it's my turn to open some presents. Are these napkins, Santa?

Yes, you are covered with butter and greasy to the touch. My bottom does get soggy with the butter. I got to put a napkin down so you can put it down on your knee. Have your date fiddled around with my kernels, looking for one that's still warm. I hope you're not watching the scary movie, Scares Me, or my salty goodness could never give you just a little bit of pleasure. I'm a perfect snack that anyone can enjoy. Yeah, well, it's time for me to get on out of here and go see the rest of them Christian

boys and girls, but no Muslims, though. Terrorists. You know about that? Jews, too. Woof. Rats. Whiskers on them. Horns, as well.

That's a bit far, Santa, but before you go, can we sing a little bit of a song? You know, I tell you, the only thing I like better than singing songs is going through a little boy's underwear drawer and looking for secrets. And I did that five minutes ago, and I'll tell you what, I didn't find any secrets, but I made a few. Oh, this is great. I have a great idea for a Christmas song. It's called What's Your Game, Girl?

I Got a Game. We've Got Games. Yeah, Charlie, don't worry about it. Me and Santa are going to handle this song. I just, I have a strong idea for a song, and that should be good enough. And Charlie, Christmas is about learning to relinquish creative control. That's why your record career never cut off the ground, because you're not a team player. It's just that sometimes you have a vision, and it's hard to translate a vision to nine

moving parts, you know? And I have a singular idea of what really is going to make the record, you know? This is what I'm talking about. Is this attitude here? Do you see? Do you listen to yourself? I am listening to you, and I acknowledge what you say about what I should do and don't do, but I still feel there are times when I am the most correct person in the room.

It's just most honest to my own voice. It's this non-negotiable behavior, this brinkmanship that you live by. It is not conducive to a record, or record is sometimes it's about a family creating a house. Disagree to disagree about music. You are a living bag of popcorn. You know what? We can't agree to disagree.

You're in jail for 55 years, you know what I'm saying? For letting a bunch of unshaved lady maniacs kill for you. Agree to disagree. Christmas only comes once a year. Me too. That's why you got a chair, shit. Christmas only comes once a year. You know what?

Christmas only comes once a year. Unless you're in Syria. Thank you everybody. That's all I can let that song continue for. And now it's time for a chip of the hat, no wink of the eye and a nod of the kerchief, and up, up, up the chimney I go. Oh god! Holy shit he exploded.

shit he exploded oh god no he did the exit shit in the wrong way he didn't eat me messed it all up I got someone in my mouth mmm mmm tastes like meatballs and cooking officer Duncan's we found him you caught the killer yeah he was having sex with a reindeer display outside a home depot classic who's ever last one of them I'm the killer and I hate is that yes detect detective popcorn yeah it's me from last from last podcast on the left yeah I love that show well thank you I'll tell the guys yeah love is a strong word I you know I really it's

like the facts like the research is wonderful it's just that fat guy super racist it's a character really like that the potty humor gets in the way of like the whole it's a comedy podcast always just interrupt interrupt talk over talk over and it's that dog meat fella that I listen for your serial killer we saved the day technically we did all the work but I'm glad you're having a very merry Christmas yes I just hope nobody eats me before I get to open my presents in the morning well it's midnight I gotta go back to jail normally one would say I'm sorry I have to arrest you to keep with the whole friendship theme but you have

been making me very nervous this entire time oh I'm definitely on the verge of doing something weird but I'd probably start by fucking that talking bag of popcorn you know I'm saying I just love ball and strange she did I do let's go Manson the detective popcorn Christmas special star Ben kissle as officer Duncan's Henry Zabrowski as detective popcorn and Charles Manson at Larsen of the roundtable of gentlemen and the brighter side appeared as Santa with special guest appearance by Jackie Zabrowski as officer number two you can hear Jackie on section of the human activities and page seven as well as the

roundtable of gentlemen and the detective popcorn Christmas special was co-written by holding McNeely of the roundtable of gentlemen thank you guys so much for listening merry Christmas and happy holidays from everybody here at cave comedy radio again if you guys would like to give to us this holiday season we just started our patreon page that's patreon.com slash podcast on the left we love doing the show for you guys so much but if you would like to give something back to us that's where you can go to do it to show your Christmas spirit or your Hanukkah appreciation whichever one and you guys are the best

fans in the world we love each and every one of you and hey here's to a awesome 2016