Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 223: Witch Hunts

Episode Date: May 6, 2016

In honor of our upcoming show in Los Angeles, we're covering some of the most brutal and bizarre witch trials in European history, from the strange English hillbilly saga of the Lancashire witches to the France's oh-so-fancy poison for profit witch scandal, The Affair of Poisons!

There's no place to escape to this is the last talk on the left That's when the cannibalism started Not nine sisters for nine misters, that's good. That's my new but that's my new Uh women human trafficking nine sisters for nine misters vocal warm-up nine sisters for nine misters And they have to go or they're all will be murdered I'm getting all the sounds in there. That's not a limerick though. We already discussed. Oh, yes That's right. All right. So this is the last podcast on the left everyone. I am ben kissle. That's marcus parks. Hey

Uh, he's here. Ah Shakespeare Instructor William Racks me on so your birth name is billiam. Yes Okay, you didn't you didn't give yourself that name my mother decided to reclude my nickname into my regular name So they called me billiam. I see and I will not be Approach it any other way Keep billiam keep your tight tight and keep your armpits

Dimp because we are making Shakespeare for the 21st century. So there will be Robots in it. Oh, that's fun. What is it? What are the damp armpits have to do with Shakespeare? I don't know. Okay. I saw a Shakespeare last night for the first time in many years I went to see our friend Ryan Fike do a very interesting play, but I gotta say they're all wet afterwards Yeah, they're standing TV and movies. I only got a look they learn stuff for an hour and a half They're yapping all this fucking nonsense. I keep a script on my knee when I'm doing a television show I don't need to learn anything. I get to learn like maybe a paragraph at a time I'm right. Acting's easy. Well, they sweat and then there's a lot of spit involved as well

Jumping around and they're doing all these things where they're pretending to be different characters So they jump from one side and go like And they jump to the other side and he pretends to twiddle a mustache And I'm just like this new Shakespeare is very active. All right, that's good Well speaking of actors a lot of them live in Los Angeles and we're gonna be there July 16th So in honor of our LA trip we've decided to cover a topic that people have been clamoring for Witch hunts. Absolutely because what our LA show is gonna be we're gonna be doing uh the show at the Crest Westwood theater

And it's gonna be on July 16th at 7 30 p.m. What we're gonna do is we're gonna show our very own last podcast on the left cut of the old film Haxon Haxon rules with uh, and I'm gonna do a custom soundtrack for it. Yes. He is he's very excited You can see the glint in his eyes his eyes are like two fucking silver teeth in the skull of a dead man That's right. You know if you put your hand your your hand under your armpit and you can you can make a little fart noise This marcus does that but he puts his hand under his butt cheeks. It's really strange How his legs can bend back like that You know, you could you could touch the ball of your feet to the back of his head. Yeah, it's horrible

Very limber and very flexible. Oh, let's get on with witch hunts Witch hunts and specifically European witch hunts. Yeah, you're peeing on some witches if you're in Europe I don't like Germany. I'm just trying to I'm just trying to mix it up. You know, obviously less effort Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Go to Crestwestwood.com to get your tickets witch hunts So the great european witch hunts lasted literally Hundreds of years with the most ferocious incidents happening in the 16th and 17th centuries So before the heyday of witch hunts witchcraft itself was seen as something that was ultimately not that big of a deal to european society See which is they dealt in like fortune-telling and spells curses and blessings of course

But they mostly did so either of their own power Or the power of pagan gods that existed in these lands for thousands upon thousands of years But what changed in the 14th century was the introduction of the devil. Whoa. Yeah See in the early days of christianity the devil wasn't a particularly big part of the entire belief system You've seen mostly as like a trickster god somebody That you could easily fully tried to take your soul, but you just trick them and you'd like to just mix them up There's a thing we also talk about like cock for feet. That's a big thing too with the devil And it was like a weird base creature. The idea is that the serpent was just a base creature because he was low to the ground

It just kind of applied the devil to all pagan gods because of what we talked about before the shape of Baphomet right in the creation of the connection of the goat to weird like sexual proclivities And because also they had to destroy the moon religions of earlier times in order to replace them with the more masculine solar Religions of the the 12th and 14th so up to this point that the the devil was just a real bulky batak batak He was just a jokester. He was a clown. Everyone kind of mocked him But he was a fun guy now the devil becomes a badass though, right? Yeah, which is cool. He gets fucking promotion. Oh, yeah Yeah around the 14th century, uh, they church said the catholic church

They decided that it needed an enemy and they even they commissioned artists, uh to make new representations of the devil I've got this great fucking book called the illustrated history of the devil, uh, which you can pick up super cheap on amazon It's fucking awesome art book But what it talks about in there is that the catholic church did actually go to artists and say like hey Listen, we need to beef this guy up a little bit. So what I have here is a man. It's kind of stalking He's got these big sunglasses so you can't see his eyes, which is kind of fun He's got an orange vest and then but it's some kind of wacky new circumstances He has had nine metal arms be fused his spine

No, that's uh doc ock from spider-man. That's a great name for him We're going we want the devil, but isn't he? Yeah, but he's evil because he's got so many Yeah, you can trust him. We just he's got a latte in one and the other one his finger on you We don't even know what the latte is at this point. Oh, it's oh, I heard it could be coffee We have to stop hiring these future artists artists from the future And the good thing about the devil is like Henry said he was a base creature The the devil in the bible is a very vague figure Like it's he tempts Jesus in the desert. He makes a bet with god to fuck up

Job and the old testament and it doesn't even say in In genesis that he the serpent is actually satan. Well, he just owned the original street cart He was just selling apples on the side of the road trying to trick people. Yeah, exactly We just get it. He was a salesman. Right. He was a capitalist. Yes, but the other but also there were many devils You know, I mean back in the day when there was more of it There's a pantheon of evil things that people had to deal with all the time until we made a capital D devil Because we had to make we had they had to have their own Saddam Hussein. Yeah Yeah, seriously, they had to have a devil

They had to have somebody that they could scare people Into joining the church like if you don't because at first like oh, you know You'll your soul would be in eternal damn nations like well, okay I can deal with that But if you say like the devil's coming for you like the devil will kill you in the here and now because when people talk about You know this sort of like spiritual. It's nebulous. You can't really wrap your brain around the concept of eternity But you can wrap your brain around the concept of the reason why your crop felled last year is because the devil did it Oh, yeah, and then or eventually some naked woman

Uh smashed a baby and rubbed it up inside of a vagina and that's why your corn is not going for it That makes sense. I just missed Saddam Hussein. Remember that we had Saddam. We all do. We all do. Yeah, we really do Well, and just like we saw in the satanic panic of the 80s and 90s Which the satanic panic has about a dozen different parallels To the witch trials that we're discussing today But with the devil comes the devil's minions Also, by the way, if you're listening to this episode and you have not put on a song that is remotely called witchfinder general And there's not or not listening to king diamond right now

You need to fucking stop or because that's the one problem with being a podcast of our nature So we can't afford the heavy metal soundtrack right the fucking episode needs We remember just be listening to maiden And and continue and then continue to listen to the saxon go for saxon king diamond go for maiden There's a lot of just look up new wave of British heavy metal and google and then just go from there motherfuckers Mm-hmm, and the satanic panic panic just to clarify people like damien eckles the west Memphis three were you know Falsely convicted for murdering three children because there were satanists. Yeah, you know according to a small town in arkansas But it was also a 1970s film with a lot of teardrop boobies in it. Oh very nice. Yeah, and damien eckles

I mean him and his friends they were sentenced to death They were going to be executed right like this the the witch hunts. It was it's definitely on a much smaller scale But this shit Exists to this day like this sort of what we have not humanity has not progressed as far as we would like to think We have in the last 500 years. We're pretty much still the same exactly We've been going after groovy people for a long time. Yeah, and that's all it is It's going after groovy people Although witch hunts and executions were happening for at least 100 years before the real golden age of witch hunts

began with the publication of the malleus maleficarum translated to english as The hammer of witch hunts But actually it was a terrible thing. Oh, yeah, we can't we can't celebrate. Yeah, we can't celebrate It's one of the most I mean, it's not necessarily up there with the bible, but it's in the top five of the most blood-soaked books in all of this The hammer of what witches But also what happened was

Actually it became as large as the bible because it came out exactly the same time as the first printing press And so the bible and the the maleus were one of the first printed books to come out and we were going to find out is that the the uh, it was a uh Book there was a step-by-step handbook for the identification hunting and legal prosecution of suspected witches. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, that was its whole thing and it was written by these two guys, uh, jacob springer and hindrick kramer Uh, and one of these guys, I think it was kramer He was actually removed from his position as an inquisitor for being too overzealous You know, there are some nice germans. I just want to say

Not all of them. The problem is is it just got it's the bad ones that make the publicity. Yeah, they make the newspaper Yeah, I mean we're gonna see um Yeah, there's not a lot of nice things to say about the germans when they get into big groups Oh, you know the problem is they just have a hard time with with a bunch of just groovy ass women that they can't sleep with The thing about them the maleus too is it's so it's broken down with section one is how to identify a witch And it's basically various different things like which is we're gonna find is now stereotypical of of of how to identify a witch Which is she's a man. She's a woman without a man. She's like she's like she's left her own She's uh spinster. She is uh nude all the time. She is a little sexually proclivity

She has a sexual proclivity about her She's free with her sexuality and they just stamp them down and section two is uh what they do And so there's a lot of stuff like I always find what is interesting about section two There's only one section about which is destroying crops, but there's five sections about which is destroying men's penises Yeah, well, that's a big section, but that's that's an important thing But they are focused on the penis being disappeared the penis not working anymore And as soon as that happened they just accuse basically a woman that if they can't sleep with a woman They show up they're stepping on it on their wife and they're having sex with a woman and they're and they're fucking

Spaghetti goes limp. They Burn that woman right another good way to tell if a woman is a witch if you take her to arby's and she likes the horsey sauce More than the arby's sauce. She's a witch. Uh, then count me as a witch my friend. Oh my god. I knew you were double witches Well the the penis disappearance uh The penis disappearance thing in witchcraft, uh, this isn't just european witchcraft This is one of those things that developed independently in different areas around the world when you get witchcraft like africans To this day, I mean you still look at african like because africa still to this day has pretty fucking intense witch hunts

Uh, and one of the big things is that they have stolen my penis that she has stolen my penis I cannot find my penis. Where is my penis? Uh, and that happened wait gotta put a bell on it That's what I do. That's why I got two jingle bells. It's a hard time It's you came really here to the podcast because then I covered my penis and the bells in a big old sock Yeah, thank god. No, I what I do like in the maleus is that a way to describe is that like the way you can tell That a witch will remove your penis by illusion or magic and the way that you can tell of its illusion or magic Is that if it comes back? Uh, it's an illusion. I see It's very dumb, but they of course it's like it's it's sex sexual fear of women

So they immediately just a bunch of guys with ed pretty much. I'll just exactly and I imagine at the time It was often A lot of guys had ed because they're eating nothing but like valerian root and living in mud Right. Um and in section three is a legal. It's the legal breakdown of how to Interrogate and punish witches which is brutal And the whole thing is just all the various different ways to smash a woman's breasts. Yeah, it really is there They the the torture that they put these women through and men and children Uh through it is uh, I mean it's up there

It's it's because they took so many cues from the spanish inquisition Uh, a lot of this stuff was kind of a bit of a holdover from that time. So the torture that these people went through is Uh, it's pretty brutal. It's pretty straight to the point. Yeah Now we do the thing where you keep you up with limp biscuit all night, you know And then even waterboarding is bad, but you know like technically it's illusion of drowning They just smash your feet. Yeah It's just it is poke your eyes. Yeah, you know, I mean it's just not you You think they could have thought about it a little bit and maybe a little bit more creative

I don't like putting you in a dark room and then one of them dresses a ghost and like you just turn the light on Everyone's wrong. He goes oh That would be scary. That would be scary They said they just cut your nipples off pick them up by the wrinkles and then turn them upside down and shake them And if there's if there's any dicks to fall out, then they were dick feet Oh, it's here in the dick purse I knew I should have thought of something when she called it her dick purse. Please bring me my dick I just don't get how you can be accused of stealing cock. You got no dick on you

It doesn't make any sense. You've noticed in the very tip of that cock. There's a bit of gum Could I have a piece of it, please? I had an onion before being arrested but the book also is very Specific in the fact that if you are accused of being a witch, you're done You are a cute you are you are a witch and now it's a matter of whether or not the devil Asylons do enough that you won't confess and give up other witches, but either way you're murdered They lied to you about exiling you, but either way, they're gonna burn you Yeah, and uh, the the whole thing is that we must save this good woman

Or we must save this man from eternal damnation before we just murder them for witchcraft because we want to save their soul But there's still witches so we still have to slit their throats and burn their bodies in the town We gotta do something we gotta do it. There's no choice almost harkening back to um, shanrikyo the idea of killing somebody for their own benefit Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what it is. So by 1520 the Malleus Maleficarum had gone through over a dozen Printings with the witch fever reaching its pitch in england with the passing of the elizabethan witchcraft act of 1563 And the Malleus sat on the desks of lawyers and judges throughout europe and it was legit And the the the two authors had basically said that the pope issued this thing called a bowl pope innocent Basically sent them out and said I want you to go and write the definitive manual on witch hunting

But it turns out that was a lie and it's possibly like all of the documents that they had from the pope that said like Oh, this is the jit. It's fucking this shit. You guys are fucking really rocking this fucking horseshit I mean like all of that turned out to be hotly contested later on So it's essentially what became like the precedent for all legal matters for hundreds of years was total horseshit You're telling me the pope lied to the people. I can't believe I'm stunned I can't believe that tiny-legged man with his fucking hooked little Slippers on and his boy penis would lie to people So the first person executed under the witchcraft act was a 63 year old woman named agnes waterhouse. It's a witch named

It is yeah She was hanged in 1566 under suspicion of bewitching a neighbor to death aided by her familiar a cat not so subtly named Satan it's Satan Sounds like a satan No, it's kind of just a slithery form of nathan Okay, she wanted to call me nathan, but she didn't realize that nathan was the name so she called me satan burn the witch So agnes still a talking cat. Yeah. Yeah, it's creepy creepy So agnes was not the first and definitely not the last elderly woman to be executed for witchcraft and with

Reason following the black plague the decimation of the european population resulted in the creation of the nuclear Family now most of us of western european descent grew up this way It's you know the nuclear family as parents and kids with pretty much no room for grandma grandma sucks. Yeah, yeah Yeah, no room for grandma no room for grandpa. It's shuttling them off Uh to the nursing home and with society being in shambles the elderly were pretty much just seen as an inconvenient pain in the ass With nothing to really contribute to the family's survival, but see at least now we put them in nursing homes We put my horrible grandmother in an assisted living facility costing thousands of dollars for years She sat in there accusing people of rape and stealing people's spoons

She was a horrible woman. It's just yeah And but back in the day we could have taken memar and just nailed her shot in the shit out of the middle of the forest You named her memar that we called her memar memar. Yeah, but my cousin's called her memie Memar is just as bad as Mimi. I would say Mimi is closer to a name. Yeah, Mimi's fine Like Mimi's like that's something that like Mimi's to me sounds like a large Mentally challenged woman with like a with a moo moo on where you could see your nipples through but I believe that's what she was yes And so scores of elderly people mostly women were actually shuttled off to live alone

In hovels where they lost their minds either due to dementia or as was probably the case in many quote-unquote witches Paraphrenia Paraphrenia occurs later on in life and is different from schizophrenia In that while the patient might be suffering from paranoia and hallucinations They still retain all of their intellect and personality characteristics Yeah, it was like my grandmother was talking to the portrait of my grandfather acting like he was there all the time But she was still a raging bitch. Oh, yeah, that that's normal

Yeah, that's the thing is that there's you got a lot of wacky shit happening in the heads of otherwise Rational normal human beings or maybe they weren't even that rational begin with right they go out there now that they're alone Now it's like it's the witch scenario It's an old woman living alone in a tiny hut out in the middle of the forest and she's out there being like I see a vampire and he's got a bowl of things for breakfast at some sort of pound I think you're just looking at it at breakfast box grandma

Oh, yeah Yeah, see that's the things that people they had no clue of how the brain actually worked this being that you know 15 1600s and they took all of these bizarre testimonies all the confessions of old ladies with severe mental illnesses as fact Like they just they didn't know that someone could make shit up like this because it's you've got an elderly woman A once respected member of the community before they just locked her up in a shed out in the forest Who seems rational by all accounts, but her mind has turned into mush And so because of that that's how you get a lot of the you know, that's how you get the stereotype of the old crone

That's how you get all of this bizarre testimony It's fascinating stuff marcus. You got to remember again things are only as real as you want them to be right? You see what I'm saying. Absolutely not. There's a very concrete. No. No. No. No real is just turn real around What is it spell leer right? What do we do with our eyeballs right? We leer at things right leer sometimes your eyeballs Where are you going with this? I'm just I think you were just talking Please don't arrest me sir So it's also important to note that most of the information that we know about these witch trials Comes from the witch hunting manuals themselves because the Malleus maleficarum was by no means the only witch hunting manual

It was just the most popular one like there was a demonology. There was the identification of witches There were pamphlets that people put out all the time. They just write them up Print them up and send them out and we also know about witch trials from the court records Which are spotty at best and by no means feature any sort of transcripts whatsoever What do you think the first year was that there was a legitimate expert in anything? Oh, no, I guess this is it 1400s for witch reviews. I don't think they were experts in any way But I mean they were everybody could just walk out and be like I know what witches are they're the ones She's got long toes fucking got her face up. Yeah. Well if she did he was right and she was in Europe

It took a while the Greeks and the Romans did pretty good with a lot of shit, but I think they were still kind of full I mean they built nice stuff Pythagorean geometry What does that even mean? I like witchcraft better because I have a whole thing with math or I don't think it's all real I think I don't think because if it doesn't work on a planet outside of our planet or another part of the galaxy Then it doesn't even matter and we won't know if that's gonna happen And she'll 10,000 years from now. So what is even the point of having geometry? So let's just go back to hunting witches. This was me when I was 15

She's yelling in math class Oh the other thing about these uh confessions is that we only know either by accident Uh or by every once in a while someone actually coming out and saying how many of these confessions were obtained by torture Either by the state or in the case of the north berwick, which is the employer of the accused See in 1591 a man named david seaton heard through the grapevine that his maid servant gilly duncan Had suddenly acquired a reputation for healing the sick and when he questioned gilly about the rumor She of course denied the charge. No, no way. So seaton responded to her denials with torture Using a medieval torture device called the pilliwinks

Yeah, which is a vice-like device that slowly crushed the fingers and toes of the victim Oh pilliwinks to me sounds like a bunch of Sexless pink tiny creatures that just wants to teach us about caring for each other Sounds to me like candy that looks like confetti But no, it's a thing that smashes fingers and toes. So it's a hammer. The pilliwinks is a hammer. No, it's a vice Yeah, it's a vice with it. It's got screws on it. Uh, and it's pretty much you just put the fingers in. Yeah, I know exactly Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's two metal plates that you just slowly just I like to call it the pilliwinks. Yeah, it's such a kind name for such an atrocious device

But why would they hurt this woman? Uh, she healed the sick. She did something good. Yeah, but she did it nefariously Yeah, yeah, she did it nefariously. Yeah, because that's the whole thing is that it doesn't matter what you use it for If it's diabolically inspired then eventually you're gonna start off healing the sick Sure, but then you're gonna end with stealing some cock slippery slope See that's the thing all of a sudden she's got a fucking belt full of cocks Right. All right, and she just doesn't care if you have the flu or not because she's got enough cocks to win The cocks of the month competition that she has to bring back to her witch group every month. Of course It was not until Seton

Searched the maid servant's body from head to toe for the devil's mark Which he found upon her neck that gilly duncan Confessed to being a witch and that all her cures were a result of the diabolical magic. No, there's no way He sexually enjoyed that at all, right? Not even close. No, it's not even it's not like his job to do it Actually, the maliance has a whole description where there was one man's job During the court processions and that in order to look for the devil's mark His job was to shave the woman entirely from foot to head and that was his one job and And there you can't because the witch hunters like it was a whole crew. It wasn't like I volunteered to shave her

Yeah, people say I'm doing real good again with a close shave because we really pay attention To the details. Yeah, well, you never know what she's hiding in those eyebrows. That's the problem. We're in the pussy here Yeah, you never know So in case you're not familiar The devil's mark is a spot on the body of a witch that is supposedly impervious to all pain Which is a result of the devil scratching off the holy chrism of the witch's christian Baptism and the discovery of the devil's mark was a boon to witch hunters as it was seen as hard evidence That the accused was a witch

It was such an important part of the process that each witch hunting crew Also had a guy in charge of this known officially as the witch picker named slurry And I don't want to be a witch picker for today. So, you know, I mean bend over All right, spread them open. Nice. Nice. Nice. I don't say anymore. All right flip her over You know what this job doesn't get any easier, but somebody's gotta do it. All right. Let me check your boobies mashing your boobies together Just mashing them you like it. Ah, I'm too good at my job Tough day at work

Somebody's got it. Somebody's gotta wake up and make some donuts, huh? Yeah, we know So after gilly was tortured pricked and arrested she immediately began naming dozens of co-conspirators And a plot that reached far beyond the local peasantry and what started as a simple 16th century afternoon of a boss Torturing his employee over a rumor that she was helping people out Ended up uncovering a plot to murder james the fourth aka the king of scotland No, not the man who's never seen a pair of underwear Embred, I'm sure. Yes. Oh, yes bog people Really are

Now unlike many of the stories we'll cover today this one actually does have a kernel of truth There was likely a plot on king james king james's life instigated by a man named Francis Hepburn Earl of both well who had a claim to the throne should james die without an air and it is possible that Hepburn was using the local witch club as a smoke screen to hide his nefarious plot Somehow directing a bunch of hapless peasants to murder the king So Hepburn could take his place at the head of the table

Now even though it is certain that the vast majority of people accused of witchcraft had nothing To do with the actual practice itself. It is fairly safe to assume that there were some people into some super witchy Shit those few hundred years that the hunts were going on. Absolutely. I mean people People have been doing magical rituals for forever since the beginning of time It only became until this part of history that it became illegal used to be a thing that they used to work with Constantly they have stories in the bible when they're talking about king Solomon Which would work with witches even though the bible is like, you know, we got to kill every witch. It's like they would still go and use And they were part of society and then all of a sudden they just flipped on them

It's like all of a sudden there were like death to all podcasters And it's like what are we gonna do? What will what will Los Angeles do with their unemployed? We'll see that's the things what's really important to remember is that these big witch hunts You know, we say they lasted over hundreds of years, but they were essentially isolated incidents You know, it's not like there was like a weekly witch hunt every like every other set like every saturday or anything like that Like it was often decades even lifetimes between hunts So it's almost certain that there were people practicing witchcraft throughout this entire time quote-unquote witchcraft But as we said before the most likely explanation that the large-scale movements were probably just a bunch of groovy people

Trying to have a good time to alleviate the boredom and constant drudgery and misery of their life They're living in the middle of forest. They're covered in bugs. Let them fuck. I don't know. It seems like they're dick thieves Let them choose to fuck each other and a lot of times it's like, yeah, there'll be like one dude around That it's like pretending to be the devil that guy's smart. Yeah Yeah, see these gatherings pretty much an excuse to just have a gigantic orgy And as it is with a lot of things like that It's a little easier to let loose when you've got a bunch of ritual involved and Francis Hepburn of earl Took full advantage of this. You're just setting the mood. Yeah, they sound like juggalos

No, but I mean, but I also say the juggles are also hunted by the government They are and they are persecuted They are and we need to stop this modern witch hunt of the juggalos and let them drink their fago That's right. Let them have crab infested sex with each other Well, they you know There is a little bit of an std problem. There is but the problem is is that I'm just afraid for when all the Crabs that the juggalos are creating with each other's bodies that are then mating while being next to each other from different strains Of different parts of lower california that they will eventually create giant super crabs

Yeah, yeah, yeah that our government and that will be the problem the government really will have to handle Yes, because you know who they're coming for Robert Downey jr. It's very possible America's treasure. Yes. He is See most of these covens had a quote-unquote devil leading the rituals Which was usually just a dude dressed all in black wearing sick-ass mask that someone had made from an animal's head They'd use anything they'd use a goat. They'd use a pig. They'd use a dog. They'd use a deer But there was always some dude wearing some super cool shit And the whole ritual ended with the osculum infame In which each and every member of the coven would line up and kiss the butthole of the group devil

Who in this case may have been the investigator of the king james murder plot francis heffern or all of bothwell Hey, you know while you're back there treating my asshole like a champagne flu. Hey, we should kill this king Yeah, think about it. I just just say one which is like I will do something special for you my infamous leader Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do agnes? Oh, that's good. Play it like glass I'm getting goosebumps I think she stole my penis And you know what good for her good good for her

So the earl of course escaped all consequence and fled to italy But thankfully for him he left behind plenty of poor people to be tortured and executed in his stead Oh, so they had to kiss his butthole if they got tortured One man john fion confessed under torture that he had attended many meetings in which gilly duncan The maid servant who had started this whole mess was the resident musician with her main instrument being the jews harp Oh, isn't that interesting? I just pictured a lawyer just wanting to prove that he was the devil Exhibit me and he pulls out his pants and shows his butthole. Look at that butthole Look how clean and as clean as an ivory skillet

He's a devil. He's the devil learn the witch now another co-conspirator agnes simpson Said that her part in the whole plot was to sink king james's ship Her method was to pass a cat three times through the links of a chimney crook then pass the same cat three times under the Chimney itself Then she tied the cat's feet to a dead man's dick for an indeterminate amount of time And then she threw the cat as far as she could into the sea poor cat I mean technically the cat led an interesting life Yeah, I guess so. Yeah the cat

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so these plots naturally required a whole crew to pull off agnes said that the cat plan Was hatched at a gathering of more than 200 witches who danced drunk in a graveyard as gilly played the jew's harp once more Now this conspiracy that agnes created is an important aspect of the hysteria surrounding witch hunts because the idea That an impolite old woman or just a simple maid servant could hold any power whatsoever That would be ridiculous even by 16th century standards that some old woman in the forest could hatch a murder plot to kill the king But if that same old woman was backed up by a far-reaching and well-organized group led by the devil himself Then it starts to become a little more plausible a little more plausible And that conspiracy can be blamed for all sorts of problems that a government might have

And as we said earlier witch hunts rather than being a constant feature of life during these centuries Uh, they were incidents that burn bright and very hot for relatively short amounts of time And many times said hunts coincided when that particular region was suffering from religious or political problems Because then you create an enemy for everybody you go look and you say there's a giant network of evil witches that are Conspiring to steal our penises. You're gonna get people mobilized. Yeah, that's what hillary clinton needs to do Yeah, talk about she wants to get the grassroots. Right. Right. Right. Yep. For example in germany 250 witches were burned when a catholic prince was in the process of retaking a city from protestants and in another instance Also in germany

133 people were burnt in a single day following tensions in the populace in other words German politicians on multiple occasions persecuted and murdered large groups of innocent people Daring times of civil unrest ensuring that said politicians either gained or held on to their political power It's kind of like they're they're saying like uh, like they're uh, did I do that? Right, right. You know like that's what they're doing. That's their that's their gimmick. Yeah, you know But I actually think the german people just find trees to be so sacred that they don't want to burn them Yeah, they're more environmentalist than that. They know they can make more people. Right. Yeah, you just burn them And the fat bubbles and crackles

Making a sweet pernil. Yeah Well, that must be an interesting odor there just piles of witches burning constantly. It smells like pork. Does it? Yeah Don't do this. Don't get my wires crossed. Yeah. All right. I'm already on the verge of eating people No, it's really does like it supposedly smells like a like a sweet. It's a very sweet smell specifically because they're witches No, no humans. Oh because they're humans when you burn or cook a human. It's a sweet pork smell. Huh? Yeah, what else? Are there beans? You know the thing I find it really goes good with pork is sort of like a jelly kind of marmalade You can put on top and get a sweet savory kind of thing. That is a good thing. Yeah Time in between their feet or something. You'll have people one day Henry. Don't worry about it

Now the Germans to say the very least can be an overzealous people and between Ben don't give me that look They're overzealous. They're full of energy. Yeah, you will say they really go 110 percent They do go 110 but overzealous. I mean, I'm not sure if that they're they're stern, but motivated Which is the worst? Yeah, I would say the Isis is overzealous. Yeah, I says okay. Yeah, they're fighting off more than they can chew. Yes the Nazis the Germans But the playbook is definitely being written. Yeah, yeah, they're just That

This is real serious. Yeah, and they got a lot of tools. They love tools. Yeah, well too many people So between 1609 and 1616 200 people were executed for witchcraft in the Bamberg region of Germany alone Which eventually came to be known as the Shrine of Horror. Yeah in the center of all this activity was The Hexen house possibly the most brutal and deadly location for accused witches in all of Europe That's your free band name for the episode. Hexen house Victims would be roasted in iron chairs and have their flesh rinded from their body with red hot painters God have you talking about the pork thing? I'm just saying actually this sounds delicious. I don't want to lick the chair

They're legs would be crushed their shoulders dislocated and of course they would fall victim to the dreaded Pillywinks. Oh every time Oh, we love you Yeah, so you're gonna be rich, huh? But a grind of bones You go get them cheeky winky. I like Pillywinks. They're fun and nice Yeah, it's fun. I would be an episode. Oh, I said what was that? Well led by Prince Bishop Gottfried van Dornheim aka the witch bishop

It is estimated that a minimum of 600 people were burned as witches during the 1620s in Germany But unlike england where the aristocracy was shielded from accusations due to their ability to sue any detractor for defamation of character The ruling class in Germany who had originally instigated all this bullshit died right alongside the poor Germans tough, but fair tough, but fair. That's right See in Germany when a man or woman was sentenced to death for witchcraft All of their assets were split between the town the church and the lawyers involved with the establishment claiming that this was necessary To recoup the expenses of torture incarceration and execution distribution of wealth Oh, Jesus christ think about it

So this is what's gonna happen that Bernie's gonna do this So Bernie's gonna they're gonna burn the 1% and give the rest of the money to the town elders and the churches Yep, hot shares So Bernie's gonna show up in a fucking cool ass goth witch finder general outfit out of nowhere with a fucking loot And a giant like papal hat that's made in black. Yeah, cool. Yeah, actually. I'm kind of into it. Yeah Yeah, so in 1629 79 of Offenberg's wealthiest citizens were executed and had their property confiscated With the only break in the proceedings coming when the clergy complain that they weren't getting a bigot up piece of the pie But the killings resumed shortly after an agreement had been reached

Reaching across the aisle, right? That's what's important. That is now not surprisingly the witch hunts of the rich in Germany Abruptly ended soon after certain regions made it illegal for towns and churches to confiscate the property of executed citizens I almost feel like it wasn't about witchcraft after all weird Marcus because it seems like they were really trying to kill as many witches as they could Yeah, weird weird weird stuff. You know what I will say though about this whole time period bad time to be a lady I think yeah, what time period has been great to be a lady. It's good now. It's better. It's okay. Hey, dude. It's all right now It's all right. It's better. We're not crushing their bones anymore. No, no, not all the time Not here. No, not in new york specifically New york is a great place in the cave not the creek in the cave is a great place for women

The podcast studio has been very good to women this area around the table is a very safe place Physically for a woman just right on the table around six inches radius. Yes, perfect place for women are yeah, they're doing great Women are fine. Yeah, totally But a couple of decades later in france the wealthy aristocracy became embroiled in their very own rich witch scandal of their own known as the affair of poisons In which 36 people would be executed following an old-fashioned poison for profit land grab I love these poison for profit no

I want to be a show like hosted by tony danza. Yeah And it was just a little the poison for profit laying grain and I got to say I'm really happy to everybody that's been involved typical tap dances at the end of it Now after being accused of trying to poison her father and brothers in an attempt to inherit their estates an aristocrat named Madame de brunville confess to a crime After undergoing a technique called the water cure in which she was forced to drink 16 Whole pints of water in one sit, but also then a big dog at k-pack gave her a free shivvy bandolier That's got a fun. Oh, that's not that much water. Is that too much water? I'm always slamming that much water

That's a lot of water Especially if you're I wouldn't confess to a crime if I had 16 pints of water. You're also dehydrated Also, they're wearing a tiny corseted faceted dress. Yeah all the time. Yeah, these are courtesans that we're talking about here All right, but it just seems to me like the water drinking of the water is the least torture we've heard so far It's pretty pretty intense. Well, it comes down to it to everybody. It's france. So everybody's eating a lot of butter And drinking a lot of wine. It seems like you gotta do something to clear the urine. Yeah, I mean, okay But we'll move on but I just feel like I have all the torture you've heard of this woman Just had to have a couple of pints of water 16 pints. Well, you've had 16 beers in a night

I had it this morning Yeah Yeah, but you're not allowed to go to the bathroom or nothing This don't don't break the seal bodies bodies are different Do you think that that's what they they made her sit on her cork? And then she blew up like it was like a like a fucking loony toons cartoon I don't know what happened. I just feel like she wasn't sitting on the hot chair She wasn't getting piddly winked or whatever the hell it was called said to drink water

Anyway, bodies were different. Yeah, I guess so so this woman after she confessed to the poisoning She was beheaded and her body was burned at the stake for good measure after the head was lopped off But the incident sent the court of louis 15th Into a veritable tizzy of poison paranoia and it wasn't long before accusations of witchcraft began So authorities began to round up local fortune tellers and alchemists who Under duress of torture started naming members of king louis inner circle as co-conspirators and a whole Variety of plots to poison rivals spouses and family members It seems kind of crazy that you could take a bunch of rich fancy powdered wig

Aristocrats and slap them around a little bit and they'd confess so easy. Sure. They're weak people So the most well known of all these rounded up sorceresses was katharine mon voice on aka Law was on she was a midwife and alleged sorceress. She claimed that the king's mistress had participated in multiple black masses In an attempt to retain the king's favor over rival lovers It was pretty sweet and apparently when they went to her house It's like she would use these the black maybe the black masses and what was involved The babies would be sacrificed and one historian claims to have found records that indicate that a police found these the baby bones

Yeah, they actually said that garden. Yeah, they actually said it in the report babies bones Yeah, uh, yeah, so she would slip so her main lover So king louis the 14th's main lover was a woman that was like a very politically motivated lady that he was she was called the real queen of France She would walk around and basically be able to talk to talk with a bunch of different ambassadors in different dukes and bullshit of The court and she was really good at it But she was getting edged out by a supple young country girl that he had glowy 14 that just seemed literally milk in a goat Yeah, sure. It's hot. Yeah, that's what you do. He's just like I want that one. I want one of big tits

Oh my god for them. That's like a porno Yeah, exactly And then he cut to her who's been doing all this hard work all this legwork for him right she felt betrayed So she talked to love was on and in order to get him to love instead of like doing shit being like well Maybe I'm gonna learn this thing. I learned from this Chinese guy called a blow job Instead what she's the Chinese invented the I don't know I'm pretty sure it's a disgusting American tradition. I don't know. I think it's been around for a long time The Indians actually technically did it. I don't know if that's no the Kamasutra. No, the French the French the rich

Yeah, yeah, no the French were all about blow job. I think the bun the French invented butt licking as we know We know that for certain But so she went to this woman She's like, how do I what do I do to get Louis 14 to love me again? She's like, oh, we're just gonna do this thing. We're gonna lay down this table take off for your clothes She's like great great great great and then we're gonna do is we're gonna slit this baby open from its pubic bone to its face Right and dump its blood all over you while a real priest that she knew comes in and reads the bible over you And how does this work exactly then romance romance? I see okay. It's really extending yourself for a loved one

That's what it is. Sometimes you got to show the effort. Yeah It's not about what you do. It's about how you do it and what what was the energy behind what it is that you're doing Your show not tell. Thank you. You're welcome No, la boysen after she confessed to all this by the way those baby bones in the garden It was said that it could have been enough to add up to about 2,500 baby corpses. That's a lot. That's a lot of babies. It's probably a bit of an exaggeration Although some historians say like maybe they found babies. Maybe they didn't could have been chicken bones Who knows but what's a better story?

And also the way she confessed is that they took a little boss on out and got her hammered Yeah, no, yeah, they got a super hammered and then after she confessed She was naturally burned in the public square and before the entire affair was over 34 more would be burned as well before king louis finally put an end to it deciding that the whole affair is just bad publicity Yeah, first of all, I love the idea of just being able to accuse somebody of witchcraft for you don't like Yeah, I almost want to go back to these times. No, that's what it's all about. Oh, dude You would have been burned years ago. No, not if I call you a witch first. You're a witch. You're a witch I don't know. I think that you would have been called a witch first, but I would have just owned it. I would have been like

I've been working on that laugh for years. Yeah, it's a pretty good laugh I also want to make this like a hangover movie where she goes out and gets trashed and that ends up What'd I do? Yeah, it starts with her like looking at her snapshots Turn Ken Jong is there. Oh, and that was the guy who taught me how to do blow jobs Oh, man But while the french were dealing with witchcraft and the highest reaches of society the filth of england And we're having their own scandals

Cool Now in the early 17th century two rival families of english hillbillies from the pinto forest Were in the middle of a few that sounds like it's more in mexico. Yeah, right? Yeah, the pinto forest. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, well, maybe they took where the beans grow Or don't you go where the beans grow because it's most sacred land there You do not crush a bean you get a five years back y'all can your feet fall off And a lot of beans are grown in like california No

Both families were known far and wide to have sold their souls to the devil And both were headed by matriarchs matriarchs that were said to be the very definition of the old crone Stereotype and at the head of the clan southern was an 80 year old beggar named elizabeth known locally as old dim dyke. Yeah, and on the other side was an whittle aka old Chattix You know you're like ugly When a part of your nickname is old. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah dim dykes and chattix, huh going at it dim dyke Chattix now the two were rival herbalists who bolstered their business by claiming to have the power of the devil behind them

Got to have a gimmick got to have a gimmick But the only problem was they were both trying the same gimmick We don't know what the devil who bought chattix's soul was like But dim dyke claimed that the devil who bought her cell Appeared as a little boy named tib who negotiated for her soul by saying she could have her heart's desire in return Although what that heart's desire was we will never know. I like a name change That would be nice. I don't like my name I'll think it's a bit to tell it. Yeah, I like a bit of the lick lick

Yeah, no, you're a dim dyke. I'm sorry. I can't change that Now the rivalry came to a head when 11 year old alice device of team chattix Accused team dim dykes elizabeth whittle of theft and elizabeth in turn Accused the 11 year old girl of witchcraft now children played a huge part in witch hunts Much like the satanic panic of the late 80s early 90s People took the testimony of children as fact citing Psalm 8 2 which is Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength because of thine enemies that thou mightest Still the enemy and the avenger

It's putting a lot of credit on kids. Yeah, never trust a kid No, yeah, and this paired with the confessions of the senile and paraphranic is part of the reason why so many Of the quote-unquote facts that we know about witches and their ceremonies are so bizarre and nonsensical I mean if you remember some of the stuff that we talked about in the satanic panic stuff You know where they were talking about being flushed down the toilets to the basements where old grandma was playing the piano And dozens upon dozens of children were being sacrificed all at once even though none of these children were being reported missing It's just the idea of you know kids kids are also trying to appease Whoever it is they're talking to an authority and with terms of old people. They're also happy to get the attention

Yeah, they literally will Willing to be the center of a witch trial in order for somebody to pay attention to them It's sad Right, and you should trust children if they were around Dennis Hastert or Jared Fogle then you can trust the Now it is you could try you have to give them it when they're saying stuff like when they're saying calling somebody a witch That's what's hard. Yeah. Yeah, that that's hard But if it's some but you know pretty straightforward molester then sure if it's a molester you have to at least pull the trigger on somebody No one Lutheran minister

This is just for example About children calling other people witches this one Lutheran minister He claimed that the Holy Spirit would never allow children to tell lies about the devil And he took one boy at his word and executed a fair amount of innocent people based on the kid's testimony That is until the day the kid accused a member of the community with some actual standing After which the investigator offered the kid a bribe to say like hey, did you make a mistake? Did you kind of mean to accuse somebody else? Why don't you accuse somebody else and the boy took the bribe without question?

I think he did it I think he's the one with the devil Here's a five dollars It wasn't him Very good And so the inquiry was abandoned the boy was beaten and they put the whole affair behind him But this boy was actually one of the lucky ones. Yeah. Yeah for particularly in sweden Children were executed right alongside the adults in one case in 1668

15 kids were executed under suspicion of witchcraft 36 others were let off with a lighter sentence with the nine to 15 year olds Enduring public beatings with rods every sunday for a year Wow. While those under nine were sentenced to being beaten on the hands on three consecutive sundays All right It's kind of fun. It's organized. Yeah, very organized strangely organized but organized nonetheless But back in england the dim dyke chattics affair was only beginning The 11 year old was promptly detained by authorities in Lancaster castle the same place her accuser was being held

Perthet suddenly team chattics and team dim dyke were faced with a mutual problem And in a meeting of the families consisting of 18 women and two men a plot was hatched to blow up the castle Kill the jailer and free the girl. So essentially, this is the beginning of festin the furious bog style Yeah, exactly But by the end of the meeting records show that the women had made plans to meet an entire year later If there was no occasion for an earlier meeting Suggesting that the plot to blow up the castle was largely forgotten by the end of it as all in attendance We're far too drunk to remember what they had all gotten together for in the first

But that's how you got to the point where you decide we're gonna blow up the jail No, they started with we're gonna blow up the jail blow up the jail Like that's like the first conversation like yep. Yep. Yep. Absolutely Yep, we're definitely blowing up that jail and that's what we're going to do. We're gonna open a restaurant Yep, because you cook good and I'll run front of house Perfect But things only got worse from there for the families for by the end of the whole fiasco over a dozen Of both families were executed for among other things

cannibalism infanticide and horse murder horse murder I kind of the so that actually seems to make sense. They were eating children No, they were accused of eating children. Oh, you don't think they were no, where's all the men go? Where's all the men they were working 18 women two men. They're eating the boys That's what they were doing Nah, they're being groovy man. I'm gonna have to go with the government on this one. Oh, you're gonna want to go? Yeah, I'm sorry. They're just hanging out. Jack's got to go. Yeah, I would have been exit. Oh my god Oh, you would have been which finder general finder general. That's what I'm saying

You would have been a witch finder and you're a witch and you're a witch and you're both dead Yeah, that is true. He could kill us very fast. I'm the devil called tib That's what I would have and I would have taken that on the highly. Yeah Yeah, I would have ran. Yeah. Yeah, that murdered you in your sleep. No, I don't sleep That is true which finder generals cannot sleep. Yeah, which finder generals hate to sleep always busy So the great witch hunting hysteria in europe had slowed down considerably by the early 18th century Scotland's final execution was in 1729 when a woman named Janet horn was burned alive in a barrel of Scalding hot tar for allegedly turning her daughter into a pony and writing her to a black mass. This is my daughter

Yeah, but what if she did? I mean now I'm taking the side of the stage here. I really can't uh, I could see her doing it You can see you can see you're doing it. That's possible. She just considered her pony her daughter. Well, you know Oh Tar Sweden's last hurrah was a tad more dramatic resulting in the beheading and burning of 71 people between 1674 and 1676 Germany held on for another hundred years burning their last witch in 1775 the year before the birth Of america. Wow, nothing of this sort ever not even once who he would never do it There's no way there's like a muslim band being proposed by the front row

No, no, no, we never burn witches. We never own people We never killed a bunch of people. We showed up at a land completely empty. Welcome Matt. They said welcome Please come and the guy's name was matt. Absolutely have have us. Yes Take our families. No, please would you that's where the young man joke came from take my wife, please Please kill my wife and me and my sons Wow, please great country. We did great. We're great. We're great But the biggest holdout of all was england who drowned their last witch in 1880 Although that was more of a citizen's arrest than the state sponsored execution 1880 1880. Yeah

Yeah, they uh, they uh, these two guys killed a woman by the the drowning test Then the oh sure the drowning test is when you tie a rock to a woman And you throw her into a it's my it's a money python joke. Yes If she drowns, she's not a witch Yeah, which is very sad. Yeah, very sad if she drowns She's not a witch, but if she floats then she's required to swim back to shore Well, she will then promptly be burned alive at the stake in the town square, right? So, you know Wish in one hand, you know, take a dump in the other which get feels first, you know, it takes a village

Uh two in a bush. Yep. That's what that is But only 40 years later Witch hunting would be revived in england in a decidedly less deadly and much more Foppish manner by a man named Montague Summers Now this guy is a fun fun little guy. Yeah, he's a fun fat little man Now Montague was obsessed with witches vampires and werewolves like Robert Pattinson And he was the first person to translate the maleus maleficarum into english publishing his translation in six in 1928 And he said the maleus maleficarum was one of the single most important documents in the history of written documents

And I think he is actually pretty It's border and on correct. Yeah border on correct there. So Montague He was also a proud member of the uranian poet movement The members of which believed in the grucco roman practice of Arastos Aromenos or Manboy love. Oh, I thought it was like oil wrestling. No

But it was oil wrestling, but it's with the child So he's a pedophile. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. They were the kind of the precursors to nambla. Right. Yeah. Yeah So he was a foppish pedophile who hated witches Right, especially those new to older women No as Montague was english obsessed with the occult and was the possessor of horrific sexual predications It almost goes without saying that he crossed paths with the great beast 666 Alistair Crowley. So basically Crowley showed up as the new modern purveyor of magic

And then he Montague decided that he wants to because he's not a fan of the woman folk He's gonna come out and he's gonna say I'm a witch hunter after which they then probably fucked each other Yeah, yeah, yeah, it wasn't even that he was I mean it was more like a chase thing where Alistair Crowley came out and said I'm a wizard and Montague came out and said I guess I'm a wizard fan I mean hunter Uh-oh They made a nice little like chase game out of it. Yeah. Yeah, and they just slapped each other's butts all the time That's two weird fucking bald-headed

ruddy Old englishmen soft bodies Soft berries very soft and like the vast majority of witch hunters throughout history real or not Montague It was not a fan of the women folk Well in this episode with a reading from Montague's summer's book the history of witchcraft and demonology In the following pages I have endeavoured to show the witch as she really was an evil liver A social pest and parasite The devotee of a lowly and obscene creed an adept at poisoning black meal and other creeping crimes

A member of a powerful secret organization inimical to church and stewed A blasphemer and verd indeed Swaying the villagers by terror and superstition a charlatan in a quack sometimes a board An abortionist the dark counselor of lewd court ladies and adulterous gallants A minister to vice Inconceivable corruption Battening upon the filth and foulest passions of the age

Well, well, well, well, we've got a nerd alert. We've got a nerd alert Gregory you need to get off of my staff for you sweet little boy. I need to go to a meeting Unbelievable what a bunch of jerks off. Yes But again, it's like I will say it's like I love witch women. Yeah, I would love it are great Witch women are the best of the witch women are the best women on the face of the planet Man, give me a witchy check any day of the week. I'm with one. We're all dudes. I love it. Yeah, it's great It's wonderful. I like them dancing naked. I think it's awesome. Yeah, man. There should be more of it Get them weird. Get them odd

All right, so that that is uh the witch episode. Yeah, rich man. Yeah, yeah witch hunts We did we're doing our best to keep witches alive now. So yeah, I think we're doing better If you are a witch and you know some spells send them our way some good things are away Yeah, you can use all the help we can get power and money. That's what we need. That's the big stuff Now you're just asking for money. Yes. Yeah, and if you're just you don't even have to be a witch to do that Well, I'm saying maybe but then it's kind of more acceptable to ask for it as a witch Okay, man, you don't even gotta do witchcraft if you're just using it as an excuse to go fuck go fuck go fuck Come on man. I'm just asking for a nice spell a blessing to be sent our way power and money

Or just send us money at the patreon page. That's very nice, too But you don't have to be a witch to do that you could work in construction Yeah patreon.com slash last podcast on the left to donate to our patreon campaign And you get all sorts of free little uh, you get some free stuff. It's just that easier to be witch Yeah, that's all you got to do. Yep. Oh, by the way, thanks to assistants, uh, megan fiero, sammy, coglin And alice bennett for their help on this one. This one actually was a super super super research heavy episode Oh, this was a bear. Yeah, also If go ahead and read the malice maleficarum if you choose to hurt your brain for a while

But it's really interesting to get a view into that that time period and how they viewed women and magic It's very specific It's just got that old english sentence structure where you don't know what the sentence is about until at the end of the sentence Yeah, so it takes a very long time to read. Yes trickery and of course if you guys uh, want to I mean once again We're coming to la on july 16th go to uh crest westwood.com to get tickets for that They are selling out very quickly. There are only a few left Uh, and uh, thanks everyone for chicago. We'll see you guys tomorrow. Yeah And uh, we've got a ton of other shows coming up including the fucking uk. We're coming back. Yeah

We finally got it booked. We finally got our uk, uh, our uk dates Rebooked um, and we'll be coming back go to the facebook page to see where exactly the tickets are For that, of course patreon supporters You're gonna know exactly when those tickets go on sale You'll be the first to know and that's what we're gonna try to do from now on the patreon supporters will get First dibs on all ticket sales and that's from the one dollar up to the 50 dollar You know it's like everybody you guys you guys are the one supporters So you guys are the ones that gonna get like first dibs on all this type of stuff because the reason why we're able to do this

Stuff the reason why we're able to do so many live shows out of town is because of the money that you guys give to us So you get first crack. It's incredible. This is gonna be a fantastic tour. This is gonna be so much fucking fun It's gonna be in early october the second to the sixth. I think But you know, you're gonna be able to you guys are gonna be able to buy tickets here real fucking soon It's gonna be cool as shit and uh, we'll see y'all in england in october, man Yes, and you get half off the door if you say we're here to see the fat rolling stones That's us No, that's not true. Um, all right everyone. Thanks so much for listening find marcus on twitter at marcus parks and uh,

Instagram at marcus parks. Henry's uh, Henry loves you on twitter and dr. Fantasty. Yes I'm on twitter at ben kissle um Again, no doing instagram can't remember my password So that's kind of screw me over there. Oh, go and check out my music show the lucky bone show on mixclaw.com slash marcus parks I just put out a new episode yesterday It's sweet Yep, mr. Parks do a couple of other shows together able against top half for politics

If you want to feel like you're getting drunk with your friends listen to roundtable of gentlemen and page seven for all your entertainment needs And uh sex and other human activities for the mental health advice if you're scared of yourself Yeah, you'll be more frightened after you listen. Yeah, we've been getting a lot of new listeners there from uh from us From all you last podcast people. It seems that many of you struggle with mental health issues stunning stunning to hear But hey, we all do so come on. Exactly come on over not me I'm completely fine. You are doing okay. I should all be medicated Hail yourselves. Hail satan, please and hail gain and hail me

Me and the quiet of the night The most delicious All right, all you patreon subscribers as promised We got to give you guys a little bit of guys some shout outs shout out What up shut out? What up? What up to big Greg? Oh, Greg? This is good. This is like word hip. Yeah, we got out. Shout out. Shout out. You're on fleek You're you're feeling ratchet. Yeah, you assholes your assholes for making assholes. All right, that's fine All right, we're gonna start off. We're gonna do this chronologically in the order of the people that uh gave to us

Of course, the very first people that gave to us was the joystick jerks podcast, which are all awesome dudes Uh shout out to carly drew lin hotten sally salla de meray Gary iazel or lazel either one jason murray jeff hyalman Uh joe r uh and just simply matthew. I'll only give a shout out to patrick edmundson Kevin zadnik monica esquivel mike t cherry daniel marlin. Hey daniel. Hi daniel plat britney burtner

dick forge Is there a dick forge dick four? Wow cooper villhelm and norman pinata All right, so now my list of people less mcginnis Isn't that exciting i have a little less is more that's kind of a fun one alice in mahoney

So hey, i'll have some i'll have more mo honey. Yeah, yeah, alice in my honey. Yeah my honey sam jacob's Don't know him. Don't know it. Don't know the name don't don't uh nickolas eggnew So like spiro agnew. Yes, but nickolas eggnew a victim's name. Yes Shane bagwell sounds like a pro wrestler. Very cool. Oh, here's what i won't pronounce correctly timu milimaki I think i actually might have done it right perfectly. Can i look at it timu milimaki? Timu milimaki. Yeah, there he is. It sounds polynesian. There is hawaiian. There's an umlaut over the a so it's milimaki

Hey, yeah, okay. Simon woolly. He he actually called in one time. Simon woolly. We love you. Simon. We'll see you in the u.k. Good night, dear. Sorry mate. That's australian. Good night. Hey, mate. Totally different country uh seamus stimson or seamus stimson depending on how you want to go with it Well for his sake, i hope it's seamus because i'm reading like seamus Which sounds like a sort of a uh seaman related thing andres. There's no uh, andre. There's no last name there another secret person Uh, here we go. Derek divorce smith And i'm done for now All right, we also have jessica garcia

Uh, greg hampshire alex resendez son keith kragnik rion marx long time fan Hey rian Uh john mclung uh christopher sorenson also another long time fan. Thank you christopher sam hall And jerky man randy catson Yeah, jerky man

I love that. I love you randy. I just got my own dehydrator so i can make my own jerky rob deal hey, buddy feeling good mulitha jason chappa good work, buddy lube branchot tom connelly. Hi, my name is tom connelly. He's certainly not a murderer. No, definitely not devin seth

jennifer Just jennifer. Just jennifer. That's her. She's like tiffani. Uh gevion peters brian maul and michael trumov who's also a long time listener. Hi ll you well? Has he ever sent us beef jerky? No, so okay Hey, all right, so my list continues with sarah class and isn't she classy? Yeah Class it's got a k class for the k so she spelled her own last name. Ooh, so she's cool. The conversationalist podcast

So that is that's that's beneficial Uh to the podcast be conversational erin atchinson erin atchinson erin eric postal weight oh we know eric posse weight shelby moe and martin martin martin martin martin

You're so crazy martin a very underrated show by the way. Yes, I actually watched it. We've also got rafael astrada jesse rooney tailor lord kalina bowman erica young peter whitehead emily fuller adam warner jason larin g Just g. Huh katherine mitchell and george reynolds

Taylor lord. I think that's a porn star. I don't know. I swear to god. It is if you google her She's a porn star. There's marcus doing it. Yeah While marcus is looking at that pornography A man to a lancaster hails fuller marwan abu jure Taylor martin miss amelia superhero hello

What did you do about isis? nothing josh center gray rogers kimberley bonerata Ben was that you that's me. I donated through the page. That's so brave. Yeah. I want my bones marcus nicky poof There's a whole box of them over there. Yeah, you just have one. Oh, I can't look at them scrum Nikki pook who's been sexually aggressive towards all of us really?

olivia mccray And troi Troy by the way, you've been your thinking of tracy lords Old school always am yeah mid mid 80s lady. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. She's from stubenville stubenville They make the best porn stars because they have bad uncles and they were to go All right, so those are the shout outs. Yeah, that's it We're going to be doing about uh 60 of them every week. We've got a lot of patreon subscribers So it's going to take us a while to get through them, but every single week

Go ahead and donate and you will hear us. Um, give you a shout out shout out shout out y'all martin martin Bye bye