Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 228: Sexy Ghosts

Episode Date: June 17, 2016

It's the world of sex ghosts this week on Last Podcast as we tell tales such as "Pattie's Backyard", "The Heavy Breather of Heathrow", "Archibald's Orgy In Hell", and, last but not least, "The Urinating Goblin".

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Alright, well let's center ourselves. Are we recording, Marcus? Center.

Strong. Center. Can we say it together so we're all together? Center. Nope. Kissel, you ruined that. We have to center ourselves. Okay.

I almost shit. Ooh, I did almost shit. Alright, I think we're centered then. Wow. Wow, oh my god. I'm fine. I can get through the podcast, but... Yikes.

Alright, welcome to the show, everyone. I am Ben Kissel. That's Marcus Parks. We got Henry over here who just had an incident. So, I literally, my butthole went like, like, open just a millimeter too much, and then like, literally, Dr. Brown was just like, I'm ready to go to the park.

That's what I call, that's what I do. I have an ongoing inner monologue with my shit. Well, I love that you gave your stool a PhD. Yeah, I'm happy that he's a doctor. I don't want to go see him, but, you know, he's been through enough. Yes, that's right. My goodness.

Well, it started off sexy this whole episode, and it's just going to get sexier and sexier, because today we are discussing a sexy ghost. Now, we did an episode on spectrophilia a long time ago, many, many moons ago, not to be too Indian about it, but many, many, many raccoon moons ago, we went and we did an episode about spectrophilia, which is kind of the idea of people believing they have

sexual relationships with ghosts. And there are uncertain ancient cultures that do believe they do marriage ceremonies with ghosts, and then we did the one episode, that woman who was making orgasm noises because she was having sex with a ghost. Yes, that was our serious radio pilot. We had a call in, and she was discussing having sex

with a ghost, I believe. Absolutely, it happens all the time. So what just so happened to happen, is that Marcus got a book called... The Pregnant Ghost and Other Sexual Hauntings. Oh, I thought for sure if we were going to have a conversation about pregnant ghosts, it would be the Bible, and this would be about Mary.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's fiction. That is fiction. All of this is real. Oh, I see. These are real stories. These are supposedly real stories of sexual encounters that people have had with ghosts, and a lot of it is pretty erotic.

Well, it's not necessarily sexual encounters that people have had with ghosts, it's more encounters people have had with sexual ghosts. Sexual ghosts, perverted ghosts. Rapey ghosts. Disgusting ghosts. They are absolutely disgusting. I see somewhere between rapey and fun.

Well, we're all trying to play. I do desperately want to meet a ghost, which I think we can all agree proves that means I will never meet a ghost. But how sad. I want to meet scary ghosts, and if I met sexy ghosts, I'd be like, go get your brother who's scary.

He's like, yeah, but I'm ready to dance on it. You have to just be. I want scary ghosts. You take the ghosts that you get. Yeah. All right, it's like your hair color. Yeah, that's for your child. I have back hair.

I was born with back hair as a boy. You just take it. You take what you receive. Yeah, you are wearing full on Deli guy clothes today. I have a wife, Peter, on because I have a shirt on that I cannot sweat through before the meeting I have after this podcast. You know, we just sit down to record this show.

We are just sitting. I am gripped from the pelvis up. My body is just tight. Now, just think about this for a second. Okay, so this is really the first time we're really trying to be ironic. Like the whole point of this show is that I'm hoping you're sitting with your lover.

I hope you fucking oiled him or her up so deep. Sit with your lover. Get a lover. Buy a woman. Buy a woman. Purchase a man. Ask a man. You actually don't have to ever purchase a man.

Just go ask a man. He's got nothing to do. He'll show up in the house. He'll actually buy you things. Literally, he'll just show up in the house. He'll take care of things in the house. He'll put up light bulbs. If you make him do, he'll glue down tile.

That's what we're good for. So what I need you to do is, so it's like, first of all, take a couple of palmfuls of oil and just rub them all over your man's body so his hair gets all matted and make a bunch of, like make a shamrock in his hair after you put all the oil in it.

Get oil just on your breasts because you don't want to ruin the rest of your clothes. Yeah. Before we start and just, I hope that these tails get you rigid enough or sopping enough in order to just get on top of the person that you choose and also chooses you.

Right. To make sweet ham envelopes with. Yeah. Put it on a little Marvin Gaye. If you do get pregnant during this sexual ceremony you're about to go on, you have to name it one of our names. One of our names.

Name it if it's a girl. You Duncan, Trussell, Russell, Mussell, or Murdock. Okay. Those are the only five names you can name that child. And I just made them up. Actually, Murdock isn't a bad name at all. He likes it terrible. I like Murdock.

Yeah, I like Murdock too. Okay, let's go on. Murdock Parks. Murdock Kissle. It sounds like a guy with ripped off sleeves always even if he wore a shirt that morning with sleeves. Well, Murdock. What did you do?

You're pooping in the planter again. I didn't mean to kill a just moment of hunger. Murdock's a great kid. I love Murdock. So in the year of our Lord, 1969. Yeah. Yeah. Patty Morgan moved into a two-story fixer-upper

in Wellington, New Zealand. The house, however, was not without its charm as there was still an outhouse in the backyard that Patty decided to turn into a garden shed to go along with the garden she was planning to plant. Hence the name of this story, Patty's Backyard. I remember seeing this old New Zealand stag film, Patty's Backyard.

Oh yeah, one of my favorites. But soon after Patty converted the outhouse into a shed, she was awoken one night by a rummaging in her backyard. Thinking the local dogs were pilfering her garbage, Patty opened the window and yelled out, hoping to scare the dogs away. But what she saw was not a pack of dogs, but rather a filthy old man with his pants around his ankles.

And when Patty yelled out, the old man hiked up his trousers and scurried away. Sorry, there. I was just leaving a bit of fertilizer for the plants there. So righty taty, ripity doo, we'll see you a bit later. Why did you run away? I was liking that sad old woman. So over the coming weeks,

the old man returned night after night, albeit better behaved this time. He relegated his behavior to just picking through Patty's trash each night, and Patty, soft-hearted woman that she was, felt a little bad for the old man, just kind of left him to his devices. This is a good technique. Start, show them at your worst, which is publicly masturbating,

and then whenever you're not, you're doing great. Technically, he's doing something nice. He's rummaging through her trash. He's trying to put things together. He's trying to be nice. He's trying to, like, make clean things up. Question, though, is there not a term in New Zealand for a sex called rummaging through her trash?

Yeah, I think that that's actually a medical term. Yeah, he really rummaged Mattress last night. I can't sit on a stool no more. How am I going to go to the drinking competition? It's tough. But just like you don't give a mouse a cookie, the homeless man soon overstepped his bounds. Before long, the old man started sleeping

in Patty's backyard each night, and as is the natural conclusion when an old man starts sleeping in your backyard, Patty looked out her window one night to find the old man vigorously masturbating. Now, I've never read Give a Mouse a Cookie. No, I never want to read that. Does it end with the mouse jerking off all over the cat?

No, it ends with everyone learning an important lesson and say, if you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to ask for a glass of milk. I love giving mice cookies. I was feeding a mouse in my apartment for months. Yeah, again, this does sound like a secret code to get into, like, a gay nightclub. Yeah.

Also, question is, give a mouse a cookie, do they kill all the mice at the end of that book as well? Like, is there a mass extermination of these mice? Maybe diabetes or something. I think a mouse shows up at one point. Did they give the mouse a cookie? And so, after Patty saw the old man vigorously masturbating, she called over her boyfriend, Greg,

but by the time Greg arrived, the old man was nowhere to be seen. And Patty finally deciding that enough was enough, she built a six-foot tall fence the very next day and padlocked it from the inside. And the way to make it old man-proof was if you cover with hard candies and he'll just take the hard candies

instead of climbing the fence. That's a good idea. But lo and behold, the old man returned the next night, now fully aware of Patty's presence as he stared at the house with a silly grin on his face, masturbating just as, if not more, vigorously than before. Oh, you saw the look on that house's face. It wanted it.

Greg once again was called over, and once again, the old man disappeared without a trace. Babe, you keep waking me up. I can check this out. And I'll always do that. You know I like to do it. You know, I'm ready to fucking hammer an old man. I've been ready.

He heard me. You know that's my dream. He knows how my bucket list. But is this just something you want? No, Greg. No, Greg. Do you want me to? I mean, listen, I'm trying to be open to your desires.

We got that kickstand dildo with the other day. We got the sex trampoline. But I'm down for all that. Greg, I'm just not in the mood anymore. I'm just not in the mood anymore. You need me to put an old man awake and put my pants out and my ankles need me to jerk off at you.

Now, Greg, he was somewhat skeptical about the whole situation. He stalked. He staked out the backyard the next night from the second floor with a camera hoping to get photographic evidence. I gotta see this. It's like Tom Hanks in The Burbs.

But when the old man appeared to Patty, who was watching from the first floor, Greg saw nothing from his vantage point and was understandably baffled at the whole situation. And although the backyard was indeed the nightly masturbating grounds of a deranged old bum, it was still the matter of the garden to attend to. So Greg and Patty took a trip

to the local garden center one Saturday. While there, they struck up a conversation with the owner and upon hearing Patty's address, the old man chuckled a bit and told her it was a good job she didn't live there six months ago. As the previous owner, strangely enough, also named Patty. The three in five women in New Zealand are named Patty.

That is a good point. It said that this Patty, she had had quite a bit of trouble from her next door neighbor, a dirty old man with a penchant for garbage. But seeing the look of unease on Patty's face, the shopkeeper told her not to worry, as the dirty old sod had died of a heart attack

six months earlier playing with himself in Patty's backyard. Wow, and if you ever wanted to know what's gonna be Marcus's future, that's it, a dirty old man rummaging through trash, jerking off near outhouses that used to exist. It seems hack to say, but he died doing what he loved. He really did. He really did.

Maybe a woman would have been nicer if he was actually... No, no, no, that's what he loved. Think about how you don't know you don't have to worry about the compromises of a relationship at all. You get to spend all day doing exactly what you love, going through stinky old trash, jerking off on top of flowers. He's just living like a goat with hands.

Okay, so our next story is called The Brothel for Ghosts Inspectors. Now, up until about a hundred... I mean, if you are going into this place and you paid like 30 bucks and you're just walking to an empty room, you have to feel like an asshole. Well, you have to do it. You just hear like... Just noises pumped in.

I'm Abraham Lincoln. I came too fast. So this is a scam, right? I walked into a scam? Yep. Now, up until about a hundred years ago, a house existed in Edinburgh, Scotland, where people would watch night after night through the windows as ghosts fucked inside.

The house eventually came to be known to the people of Scotland as The Ghost's Whorehouse. Now, they only got televisions three years ago. That's right. So this is how they used to entertain themselves. So you see there, you see the shutter, there it's pounding the other shutter. It's goose-ficking.

It's good to be. It's just so you can see anything you want. So the house itself had been owned by a major Thomas Weir way back in the mid-1600s. He shared this dwelling with his older sister, Grisel. I don't even... just unfortunate. Or possibly Grizzle. Either way, just Grizzle.

Beautiful name. Something John Candy had to finish in the great outdoors. That's all I know. There were rumors of salacious incestuous behavior for years. It was not confirmed until the major aged 69. Yeah! Confessed to the foul deed, in addition to making several packs with the devil

and engaging in sexual congress with the dead. And Grizzle joined her brother in the confessions, claiming that she was able to spin yarn of any quantity for short bursts of time due to her own personal pack with the devil. That's it? Yeah. You became like a fucking Spider-Man at Joanne Fabrics?

Yeah, it's kind of like a bad job. That's dumb. Out of all the things to sell your soul for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yarn, she did. Now, all of this power was said to come from the major staff, which was a personal gift from Satan that also did all of their shopping for them.

Where's Satan in all this? Satan's allowing himself to be an employee? Yeah, what Satan's just fresh directs now. No, no, no. Satan's not the... He doesn't do all of the shopping. The magical staff does the shopping. That makes no sense! No, it's like Beauty and the Beast.

Oh, so it's like a l'Amuse? The perverted candle opera? Yeah, and what the hell can a candle stick even carry? He can't get you a turkey from the store? No, it's a magical staff. He bounces out, he gets the... Maybe he talks to him and they deliver it to the house. We've lost all imagination, kids.

I guess so. Yeah, you guys need to take a little trip into your own brain. All right. So, these two were, of course, executed, but Grizzle, sticking to her saucy ways, refused to be hanged with her clothes on. Yeah. And the hangman, who had already fastened the noose

tightly around her neck before she... Come on, come on, come on! He was kind of struggling with her like a fish on a line. Sure. I'm going with Satan! Oh, I did it! I don't want to see him act like me! Name's Grizzle for a reason!

I want to get my arms around me! Ooh, it's slippery. Eventually, the hangman just got sick of struggling with her and just kicked her off the ladder where she was standing without allowing her the common courtesy of last words. Her last words, essentially, she had written them down in the diary before and had said, I'm going to meet God, I'm going to fart on a bucket in front of her.

And although the exact location is lost to the ages, it is said that for decades, even centuries after, the captain's house was fuck central for all the ghosts and specters of Scotland until it was finally demolished at the request of the authorities. Oh, my goodness. Well, that's a great story. Too bad.

I mean, that's the closest thing they have to a Studio 54. Kind of a fun little place. It was kind of a Studio 54 for ghosts. I guess there was probably just a bunch of homeless people jerking off in there and then the authorities tore it down. Yes. I think about it, how raucous those halls would have been with music and mirth.

Oh, wonderful. For just a second, just the old man from the patty's backyard. He's in there jerking off. The talking mirror who was like, you all look great to me. Yeah, Abraham Lincoln, who's prematurely coming everywhere. Why not? Yeah. Yeah, just every time he sees a manservant,

homosexual. Possible. Possible. Our next story is called The Ghost of the Sex-Crazed Cat. This is putting a lot on the cat. Yeah, I know. Wait till you hear about this cat. There's one fucking horny cat.

Oh, right. Cats aren't horny for us though, but we'll talk about this. Now, this story comes from Mr. Edward Maynall, a well-known 19th century collector of ghost stories who swore up and down again and again that this story had happened to a friend of his and not to him specifically. Sure.

So anyway, one night Edward came home to find a mysterious cat waiting for him at the top of his staircase. I mean, it's already kind of like, it's already, he's painting the cat as if it's wanting to fuck him. Right, right, right. He saw, he just saw a cat in the house. He's like, that cat's trying to fuck.

It's possible. It's like a terrible in a pet shop. A turtle wants to fuck him. Well, the cat appearing to be just friendly at first soon began mating with Edward's shoes and tried over and over again to climb up Edward's legs towards his genitals. If again, if you have a cat right now

to do a bit of a callback, if you have a cat right now no matter what it does, no matter how it presents itself, no matter what it looks like it's saying to you with its body language, never fuck the cat. Never. Do not fuck the cat. No, there was a kid in my hometown, Roger, he was special needs.

He used to have sex with all the cats and throw them in the park. No, I thought he'd throw them in the river. Well, he threw them in Iverson Park, Iverson River. It's all the same. It takes a village. It takes a village. I'm glad he'll be voting this year.

Yeah, I think that he will be. So Edward, swatting the cat away and shaking it free, escaped to his room and shut up the cat with great difficulty. The cat tried following him inside, but eventually he managed to keep the damn thing outside. This cat's cravedick. Oh, yeah.

But the next day, the cat was waiting for Edward at the top of the stairs once again, humping, rubbing, and attempting to climb Ed's leg up to his genitals. I don't care if you're sitting with a full erect penis alone in your room because you're mastering the important that cat comes and literally tries to put his butthole on top of your penis.

Yeah, you gotta remove it. Do not fuck the cat. It never actually wants it. It doesn't want it. It'll kill the cat. It's gonna fucking, you're gonna de-organ the cat. You're gonna fucking pull its intestines out with your cock, all right?

So don't fuck the cat. Don't explain that to the doctor. I mean, you'll go to jail. So on the third day, Ed, no doubt girding himself for another unpleasant encounter, found no cat waiting for him. Thinking his sexy cat troubles were over, Ed went to sleep easy.

But the troubles were only beginning as Ed awoke in the middle of the night to find the left side of his body covered in blood with the cat who had punctured Ed's neck with its sharp teeth sitting on the bed staring at him. And Ed swatted the cat to the floor, and the cat, apparently satisfied with the job well done, vanished into the night forever,

spitting curses and blasphemies towards Ed as he departed. That is sexual harassment. I mean, if you're the cat, you're just constantly getting sexually assaulted by this man. I mean, you gotta kill your perpetrator. Why are you blaming, you're blaming the victim. You're victim blaming, you're both victim blaming here. I'm not victim blaming, I'm pro cat.

Cat doesn't understand what sex is with a man. It doesn't understand what a man can do in sex. No, this is a cat that can spit curses and blasphemies. The cat knows, if a cat can say fuck God, a cat can fuck a man. Well, he spoke in cat. I like to come and I like to tease. Like a ball of yarn, I make it go up.

Oh, let the penis go down. I'm always a tease, I never get it up. That is why my name is Cotty Perry. I'm Cotty Perry. You're Cotty Perry. Oh, he's teasing, never showing. All I want is, Marcus just bashed his head in the back of the fucking fucking face.

You're kind of a firework, you're a firework. So our next story is called The Marquis and the Radiant Boy. Yay. So happy, this isn't gonna go downhill quickly. Now, radiant boys are apparently not an uncommon occurrence in the world of phantoms and specters. Originally named Kindermulderen by the Germans,

radiant boys are said to be the ghosts of children under 12 who were murdered by their mothers. Oh, I thought radiant boys were altar voices served at the Vatican underneath a blacklight. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Now, this radiant boy sighting occurred in the late 1700s, just by a one captain Stuart, later the second Marquis of London, Daryl.

Who gives a shit? No, that's no second Marquis, it's a very big deal. Yeah, it's a very big deal. They're all fake. This is the one thing we're gonna have problems with in Europe. I don't believe in titles. I don't believe in Archduke. Who gives a shit?

Well, you don't believe in titles. I don't believe in them. I don't believe in them. I don't do that anymore. Oh, there's an Archduke. There is an Archduke. He's a fan of the show. I may act like they're important.

The prince and all that may act like they're important. He's literally the prince. You're inbred. These royalty, if I see a bit of royalty, I'm pantsing them. Oh, well, I show the emperor has no clothes on. When you're in there getting iron maiden, I'm not gonna go save you from the dungeon hell that you put yourself in. You weren't going to anyway.

No, I'm busy being king. I'm marrying queen. But I do refuse to believe in any sort of antiquitous fucking menarchy. So try to hold me in your prisons, London. So the captain out on a hunting trip in Ireland was forced one dark and stormy night to take refuge in a local stately manner. But unfortunately for the captain, quite a few other travelers had come upon the same idea and all of the rooms had been filled.

But one, which strangely enough, was completely free of any furniture whatsoever. Now the captain, not a particularly fussy man to his credit, took the room and slept on a pile of blankets on the floor. But in the middle of the night, he was awoken by the radiant figure of a beautiful naked boy who gave him a solemn look before fading into darkness. Sorry, you can't fuck me. It's more of a ghost than a boy. I just hate the term beautiful naked boy.

I don't know why Marcus said it. Is that in the book? That actually is in the book, yeah. Let's follow the author here, see what they're up to. Colin Waters is the author, yes. He was the one that definitely said beautiful naked boy. Yeah, it's like Mr. Holland's opus. I would say like beautiful coal.

Stout naked boy? He was like, that's what I would call myself looking into the mirror. Definitely not attracted to naked boy. Just naked boy. That's fine. I wish he had clothes on naked boy. I wish that boy had clothes on. Yep, I'm just going to say it.

Now the next morning, the captain, sure that some sort of bizarre prank had been pulled on him. I'm going to say this again to anybody in the audience who has a boy that they can use in a prank. Right. Never do it. No. It's never a funny prank.

Just show up. Can you imagine the prank? I thought it was a prank. Dude, we go to Atlanta this week and we're going to Atlanta coming to The Earl. Check it out. It's going to be a really good show. You go to the hotel that you're going to stay in, right?

I show up with a naked boy and I just put it in the bedroom taking a bunch of pictures of you guys this week with a naked boy in there. I'm going to be like, you guys got pranked. Right. Well, you could do it with the mirror trick. You could make him look like he was sort of ghost-like. Yeah, I guess so.

It's still a live nude boy. Yeah, you can't do it. No, just paint him in that paint that they had in Batman and Robin. He's still a naked boy. No, I know. And then you get a black light. It's not about the prank.

It's not about the ghost. Oh. It's about having possession of him. Because that's what it is. It's having possession of a boy. Yeah, we don't know. We don't have any. And you're just 233 plus a man.

You be all drunk and shit. You won't do anything bad. You'll definitely be like, OK, little boy, can you buy us some beer? Like, you'll say something weird like an uncle-y to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the captain, he was a bit perturbed. He did not appreciate the beautiful naked boy.

He spoke with the host and demanded, why did a naked boy appear in my room in the middle of the night last night? I'm going to say if a naked boy does appear in your room. Shut up. Should I never? Don't bring that up. Say it over.

Word. Yeah. The host, he called his head servant, Hamilton, into the room and asked him exactly where did Captain Stewart sleep last night? I put him in the naked boy room as he requested. Actually, Hamilton did say that as every room was full, he spent the night in the boy's room.

Oh, OK. Which was the name they had given specifically to that room. And that's the reason why I didn't have any furniture, is because that was the boy's room. And you don't put people in the boy's room. I don't know. Boys like furniture, but I guess if you're a ghost, you don't need to relax.

Your lumbar support doesn't really matter. Yeah, and I was a 13-year-old boy, and no one should have went in that room. No, and I don't think you would be described. I did cryptic horrible things in that room. I don't even want to think about it. Well, in Hamilton's defense, he said, he's like, listen, there's no reason to worry.

I built a large fire to keep the radiant boy away, because apparently radiant boys don't like really big fires, because the room's already radiant enough. But the captain, fearing the fire was so large that it might burn down the whole manner, had dampened it quite a bit before going to sleep, allowing the radiant boy to pierce the veil of reality and appear before the captain.

So they solved the ghost boy problem by starting a fire in the dude's room. He's like, there's a lot of problems. Yeah, I feel like the fire is worse than the ghost boys. No, there was a fireplace. It's like, I saw a cockroach, so I bought a gun. Right, and I shot my bed for some reason. But unfortunately for the captain,

all those who witnessed this particular radiant boy were destined to rise to the highest ranks of power, and at the climax of their reign, invariably, would die a violent death. Hope you're like being promoted. Sorry, you're going to get ripped to pieces by dogs. Night, night, I'm a nude boy. What was that last part?

Oh, nothing, don't worry about everything. It's been great. See my penis? You're a criminal. Bye-bye, I'm a nude boy. I think you said I was going to get promoted. Awesome, this is great, all worth it. And true to form, the captain who eventually went on to become a great statesman in his native England. He held quite a few high-ranking cabinet positions,

did indeed die violently by cutting his own throat in 1822. Cool. Cool. I mean, that's actually one of the coolest ways. I mean, never commit suicide. But if you were about to say that is the coolest way to die. Yeah, it's got a bad ass. All right, good for him.

I mean, he saw true horrors, so he can never erase the image from his mind. Horrors? Horrors. Yeah, it's true, but he saw just a nude boy. Well, a glowing nude boy who looked at him solemnly. Yeah. Sorry, you're going to die tonight.

I'm a nude boy. Do I make it move? Because if I do, you got to go to jail. I'm a nude. What about that promotion? Tell me more about that. Beverly Hills is the setting for our next story titled... Hollywood.

Love Hollywood. This story is called Valentine the Valet. Although the reasons are unknown, Valentine was said to haunt a four-poster antique bed that was imported from England to Beverly Hills in 1947. Again, England. Have a problem with your two-floored beds. I don't really understand why they got to have all the posts.

It seems really difficult. I'm going to whack my head on it. I've slept on one before. I fucking smashed my head into the post. It's four-post bed. It's got big sticks at the sides of the bed. Oh, yeah. I like those.

Those help you get up in the morning and help you fall asleep at night when you slowly grab them and lie down because you're a drug to do it. I like a woman that's hard on the exterior. Yeah. Now, the first sighting involved a woman named Marion Donovan, who, one night, whilst her husband was out of town on business,

was woken up by the barks and growls of her dog. And when she opened her eyes, a slim man dressed in green velvet stood in front of her. He began to take off his clothes and, once completely naked, moved over to the chair where Marion had left her clothes before getting into bed. Don't sit on them.

Oh, you're going to go, oh, he left a snail's trail. Oh, that ball juice. I hate it when men sit. Yeah, especially back then. Oh, it's like he's got a chocolate duster back there. You're covering everything in his streaks. It's disgusting.

At least you know where I've been. I was with a woman that used to yell at me if I sat on the comforter naked. Yeah, rightfully so. It's disgusting. Why? Men shouldn't sit nude on anything. Yeah. Now, as Marion looked on,

the man sensuously began putting on first her silky slip, followed by her bra and nylons, which he also sensuously rubbed up and down his legs before slipping them on. The man then examined himself in the mirror, knotted in approval. Likey. He began to joyously parade himself around the room

as if he had not a care in the world, indeed dancing as if no one was watching. This is exactly what Oscar de la Hoya did. Do you remember that? Yeah, I remember that. That's right. I forget all about that. Maybe he's a ghost.

That's why you can never punch him in the ring. And after a suitable amount of parading, the man took off Marion's clothes and put his own back on, adding a large feathered hat to his ensemble, marking him as an 18th century valet. He then walked toward the bed, disrobed once again, and started to get into the bed with Marion.

But Marion, now understandably pretty freaked out. Now she's freaked out. Well, she was frozen in fear up to this point. She jumped up and turned on the lights, only to find the bed was now empty. But the evidence remained as the clothes that had once been neatly folded on a nearby chair now lay in a pile on the floor

in the exact same spot which she had witnessed the valet undress. And although she was shaken, Marion was intrigued by the experience. And when the next night came and Valentine the Valet reappeared, Marion let the scene play out to its conclusion. But as the man laid down on the bed,

he immediately disappeared once again. I think Marion quite enjoyed the show. Marion was actually... She loved Valentine the Valet. She told her friends about it. She actually had her sisters sleeping. They were like, you've got to meet Valentine. You've got to see Valentine, yeah, exactly.

I mean, doesn't a valet park cars? No, back in the valet meant something else. Valet was like a sousio. There's like a term for a sousio. It's like a thing, he's like a bachelor. He's kind of like a valet, I guess. Or he's got you wear his vests. He just hangs out, he's got a big flop he had on.

He's a fancy lad, and he hangs her out. Yeah, he's wearing green velvet and a big feather hat. But he just hangs out with old ladies? Pretty much. It's the guy who's like, he's the bachelor of the court. He has the ears of all the females of Lady Danderley's group. But he's homosexual, but I don't understand it.

Or he's not, or he's just like, he's dipping a wick everywhere in all the ink wells. Could be, okay. Yeah, you never know with valets, there's slippery bunch. Don't fuck your wife. Oh, I would never trust her. Who will also fuck you? Oh, your wife? A real-life modern-time valet as well.

They cannot be trusted. Well, they don't own those cars they're driving. They pretend like they do, though. Oh, Ferris Bueller. Unbelievable. Now, our next story comes from a fairly unlikely place. Heathrow Airport in London.

Now, over the years, many a female flight attendant, particularly those showing a bit of cleavage, have reported the disembodied sound of heavy sexual breathing following them throughout the airport. And while the victims of the heavy breather of Heathrow,

as he has come to be known, have indeed been overwhelmingly female, one man, an engineer, encountered the spirit as he was enjoying a restful break in the employee bathroom. I don't know if it was restful. I bet it was filled with effort.

Yes. And as the engineer sat patiently on the toilet, he was suddenly hit with the sensation that he wasn't alone, and that there seemed to be a presence in the stall next to him. For the next five minutes, the engineer listened

as the breathing became louder and heavier until he finally fled from the scene in terror. Hey, were you shitting? Do you have any toilet paper over there? Oh, my God, it's Larry Craig.

It's Larry Craig. Are you a senator, sir? That's a deep cut. I like that. And although the engineer maintained that he was not a victim of the heavy breather of Heathrow, he nevertheless refused to enter even the

building containing the haunted toilet in question ever again. And that is not like the heavy breathers of Cleveland, which is most of the population of Cleveland. Because of the weight problem. I don't think this guy is a victim of anything. You don't think so?

There's a guy in the stall next to him heavily breathing because he was trying to get out of a massive size turd. There's a lot of big fat people in England too, because they've used that as being rich. Isn't that true? They believe that being fat means you're wealthy and you're important, right? I don't know if it's changed over time.

I've seen paintings of men in England that are very important. They're always big and fat. They've got to get my trousers over my knickers. But there's so many roops and nylots. And he was just a fucking lowly subway worker, so he couldn't understand that's how aristocrats breathe.

The British wear scarecrow clothes. Is that true? Yeah, full of ropes and random twig. Yeah, it just seems lots of girders and hoists. Yes, I mean the strangest thing was they would let their women get so big and they would be so proud of them and then they would tighten them up. No, the women are life.

The women are life and sweet. It's the men that look like tea kettles. I don't lie. We should fight a war and separate from them. Yeah. Don't like them. Jack says it without representation. That's all I remember from history. That's all you got to say, I think.

One of our most puzzling tales today comes from the marshes of southern England that of the mooner of Romney Marsh. We're having a lot of tales from England and European tales that are sexual in nature. A lot of sexual hauntings going on

over in England, Ireland and Scotland. There's no way to get there in July. We're going to be there in October. Oh, October! And if you guys want to get tickets go to gigsandtours.com and search the last podcast on the left. We actually just opened up 10 more tickets for Manchester. We sold it out

but we opened up 10 more tickets. So get those now. We also opened up 10 more tickets for our second London show. But sales are now available for our second London show and our first Glasgow Scotland show. Great plug.

I think there's a very interesting difference between the way we view ghosts and the way the Europeans view ghosts. I think it's because they have much more in touch with history. But it seems like they have much more saucy experience with

what is technically entities from the other side. I'm not even going to say ghosts anymore. I'm actually taking ghosts out of my lexicon. Because now it's all just entities that we have yet to understand. I'm happy this is where you're drawing a political correctness. The line. I will draw a line in the sand. Don't call them ghosts.

I just think there's another intelligence that we meet in some way or another. So in the difference between the dimensions we're meeting a lot of things that jerk off at us. The thing is that in Americans we take it more seriously. What happens in America, the Brits,

the people in the UK, they're kind to their ghosts. They light fires for the beautiful naked ghost boy. In America, we're like, hey ghost! You want to fight me and my fat New Jersey friends? Come on out ghost! We don't know how to talk to the ghost. Exactly. It comes from a Celtic tradition as well.

They used to bury their... They used to live in dirt huts and circle huts. When their ancestors died, when the grandparents used to die, they used to bury them in the living room. At the top of grandpa all the time. Like my grandmother did morbidly with my grandfather having him in the fucking shoe box

on the chair next to her. But that's just because she was mentally ill. But they were just more in touch with their history. Let's find the middle ground there. Speaking of intelligences, let's go for the Mooner of Romney Marsh. The first sighting came in

1801 when a group of smugglers meeting their contact in the marsh to sell their ill-gotten gains were approached out of the darkness by a mysterious figure. He wore a tricorner hat and dressed quote-unquote in the manner of a gamekeeper.

Which the smugglers thought odd. But nevertheless, they followed him into the marsh thinking he was most likely their contact. Hey there boys, right this way. Follow me here into the marsh. Right this way. Come with me. Come here boys. Right this way. But when the man stopped short,

the smugglers shone their light on him which is when the man in the tricorner hat pulled down his pants to his ankles and bent over in the direction of the smugglers before he disappeared. Hence the Mooner of Romney Marsh. Right this way. Right this way. Down go the pants

and right this way. Can you see my rump right here? Can you see it's my rump right here? Oh my god I... OHHHHHHH BUUUUT! It's a butt! Oh jeez it's a butt! I got you right gentlemen and now I go back to hell. OHHHHHHH

OHHHHHHH I saw the hole Tommy. I saw the hole. That's all he did. Trapped on the planet earth. So he could go right this way. Come right over here. Right over here. Now look at my butt. Bye bye!

That's the hell of an afterlife. He's just whole life is. Whole afterlife is the movie Porky. It's very fun. Yeah it's a good afterlife. Living in an 80s comedy there. Now the specter wasn't sighted or at least

not reported for another 7 years. When the Mooner came back with a vengeance. And each time travelers would report a man in a tricorner hat dressed in the manner of a gamekeeper pulled down his pants and bend over in the direction

of the witness before vanishing into thin air. Hello are you on vacation? Look over here. This is a tall cessation but look over here. No, no, no. Don't do your eyes. Look right over here. It's my butt. Disgusting. The Mooner's reign which was relatively short for a haunting

only 33 years a period of time that one might say is roughly equal to the lifespan of an adult male but after dozens of sightings the Mooner vanished in 1834. Never to be seen again. You know who else died at 33?

Jesus Christ. Wow. Man, if only he was real. 14. I can just imagine the ghost hunter that wants to find the Mooner and he says I tell you I'll get that ghost. I'll stop him. I'll stop him. Right this way. Right this way.

Check it out right here. It's my butt. I'm just gonna put it in and then he just starts fucking that ghost. Right, right, right, right. And then the ghost is like no, no, no, no, no. This is meant to be innocent. Yeah, and that's how you kill the ghost. Now let's go back to Glasgow

for our next story over in Scotland in the 1700s. Glasgow was home to Glasgow, Glasgow, Glasgow. Glasgow. Glasgow. I feel like an idiot saying Glasgow.

We literally need to figure out how to say all of these places before we go. Yeah, Glasgow. It's not Glasgow. Glasgow. I think it's maybe Glasgow. They gave me, I asked and I forgot. So in the 1700s Glasgow was home to a group of

sexual perverts known as the Hell Club. Not to be confused with England's Hellfire Club. Well it's definitely a hairier, louder, screamier version than the Hellfire Club place in box. Not bad. Every evening the Hell Club would meet for an unbridled

orgy of passion, debauchery and blasphemy. Everybody's got leg hair. Not a pant was worn. So many skirts the men and the women. It wasn't pansexual. It was another type of just deeply forest sexual. And in fact, the leader

a man known only as Archibald was known by a catch phrase he loved to shout it orgy. I want to fucking hell. What is that? I want to fucking hell. I'm not getting you. I want to fucking hell. You want to hell?

I want to fucking hell. You want, oh you want to have sex to the hell. I want to fucking hell. Oh, it's Scottish. Oh, it's got. That's good. Yeah, alright. But while one might think that this is a weird and annoying thing to do, it made him among the most popular

fuck toys in all of Glasgow. Because the sexiest man in Glasgow is the man who was loudest. Oh, I agree with that. Anyway, while the day-to-day orgies were indeed debauchers, they didn't get truly depraved until the annual celebration of Saturnalia, a holiday

that you may know better as Christmas, making this unofficially the annual Christmas orgy. Alright, the Zabrowski house with the Christmas orgy, the lube is made by guilt. Ooh, I like that. I want to go to your house for Christmas. And following

one particularly savage Christmas orgy, Archie, he of fucking hell fame failed to show up to the day after orgy at the hell club. Oh, isn't that sad. I can't come without that man screaming next to me and my wife.

Something's missing. He instead sent a handwritten note resigning from his post, giving no explanation for his sudden change of heart. But when that explanation came, Archie had quite a story to tell while riding home on his horse.

After the Christmas orgy, Archie no doubt exhausted. Because they are not in good shape as a people. Unless they're doing even the caber toss with the toss and the thing that's like none of them aren't shaped. They're drinking beer and lifting heavy things. They're strong. But they have no stamina. They're living great lives.

Archie was approached by a ghostly apparition dressed in black. The apparition told Archibald that since he had so so many times, very loudly expressed his desire to quote unquote fucking hell. It was about

time that that desire was fulfilled. Oh. And at that moment Archie was thrown from his coach to the ground where he immediately lost consciousness. Archie's spirit left his body completely and the apparition beckoned him to follow

when Archie asked where they were going the apparition curtly said Sir howl. But when the pair finally arrived Archie was surprised to see no fire and he smelled no brimstone. What he found instead was the largest, most drunken, most depraved orgy

he had ever seen. Yeah. And as he walks through the writhing naked bodies presumably looking for his inn. All right. I've got to stick my dick in there somewhere. You know all that because if someone's got fucking hell they know Archie's head is fucking hell.

But as he was looking through it Archie recognized a deceased friend of his from the hell club. Uh oh. But the woman named Mrs. D. While she was fucking she was doing so joylessly with the man who looked to Archie

as if he was pushing 80. He was having a time of his life. Yeah. He was having a good time. Well yeah she picked the wrong guy. I don't think that she picked the wrong guy. I think the wrong guy picked her. Oh no. And Archie asked her to take a rest from her copulation so they could catch up

a little bit. Rick give me a rush. We got everybody a dip. I got chips. There's dip over there. There's M&M's all sorts of finger foods. If you're in an orgy never eat the dip. Never eat the finger foods. No M&M's. They've got a soup. A whole soup to read. But you serve the soup

with your hands. For some reason the soup is getting fuller and fuller in the bowl. I have no idea what's filling it up. I don't know man I'm out of norgy. I can throw some ranch on some titties. I don't think so. Come on. Why not? It's already going to smell like ranch in here. You guys need to live a little. Alright. So Archie

asked her listen take a rest for just a second. But Mrs. D cried. Rest rest. But there's no rest in hell. And Archie suddenly aware that he was indeed in hell. Looked around to see the very young

in the thrall of the very old. Fuck. Men and women having sex with animals. And animals having sex with men and women. And hardcore acts of BDSM that nobody seemed to enjoy. This is not what I meant

when I said I want fucking hell. I thought it was fun. It was fun. I got positive validation for screaming I fucking hell. Everybody fuck harder. And the toy house killer was there. The toy box killer was there. It was there.

And the apparition turned to Archie and said now is your chance. Pick your pleasure and fuck in hell. And Archie now seriously rethinking his catchphrase begs the apparition to take him back. You guys

turned it. You guys did stupid thing with the devil always does where it's like I got the thing I asked for yeah thank you very much fucking ironically I hope this is fun. I hope I'm supposed to fucking learn if this is an Oh Henry story. I mean I think if you really wanted to screw over the devil

start having sex with that old guy. You just get you just go like alright just get it pet pet pet. I can learn like anything. Why not. But after Archie begged the apparition to take him back the apparition replied very well. But carry on your reveling and you shall return

within a year and a day. And with that Archie awoke. Climbed back in his coach rode home and wrote his letter of resignation immediately. I'm surprised it was so formal. Yeah it's like a Christmas Carol written by a sexual pervert.

But after telling his story to the hell club who understandably made fun of him Archie gave into peer pressure and rejoined the fuck fast that very nice. He never meant to quit. Never. However while Archie was as

virile as ever many noticed that he never used his catchphrase ever again. And a year and a day later on the night of the following Christmas orgy Archie a little nervous about the curse got blast ass wasted

and tried to ride his horse home. And that's how you always make sure that a curse of your death will not happen. Oh yeah. Definitely drink and dry. Absolutely drink and horse. And he fell once again. But this time the spirit did not return

to his body and Archie presumably is still to this day fucking in hell. That's why I always say I want to have sex at Applebee. But you can make that happen. Oh I can. You can definitely get a hand job anywhere in the rust belt.

Oh yeah. You can get a hand job at an Applebee. Yeah you can do that before nightfall. Oh is that right? Yeah. Want on tacos. Very tasty. Our second to last story today comes from Newcastle upon Tynes Quaside. What? They got funny names

for things that are normal here. I just wrote that down. I don't know what that means. I don't know what Tynes Quaside means. I'm assuming the Tynes is a river. It's probably got a 7-Eleven on it now if I know England. 7-Eleven they're just getting they have a 96 ounce soda now. Oh thank god. I've always

wanted a drink that I can also bathe in. I know. Now back in the 1600s this was the site of a notorious press gang in which young men would be forced to enlist as crews on ships against their will. Also called being Shanghai. Yeah also

in one night a local boy barrel maker named Henry Hardwick who was being pressed into service fought back as he and 20 other boys were being led to their fates on the high seas. But the press gang was not in the mood for Henry's hijinks that night.

They took the boy nailed him to the door of his former place of employ stripped him naked and beat him half to death. And as if this wasn't enough to make a proper example the gang then gouged out his eyes with a knife and castrated

him. And so for centuries since the apparition of the naked castrated eyeless boy will appear on moonless nights in the atmosphere and weather. Match those of the terrible night

he died. Also the first ever jack-o-lantern. Yeah kind of excited. I mean if you're this guy you're like you can choose one or the other. Leave my eyes or leave my balls. You can't choose. Would you choose would you choose please. You know I tell you what still gets Woody Allen

hard as a rock. Oh yeah great director though. Great director. He directed four good films. That's right and then he would have sex with all the women he cast because he almost didn't care about their acting. It's almost weird though that a director wouldn't care about acting and only about getting laid.

Finally we come to a tale told to us by a German named Carl Brucher. The name of this tale The Urinating Goblin. That's my wrestling name. What's your finisher?

I just pee all over the guy. The problem is just having to pee throughout the whole wrestling match. That's what's hard is having to concentrate and hopefully it won't get squeezed too hard on a bear. Oh absolutely. Well yeah I mean if he squeezes it out if he squeezes it out of you point it away you lose. His finishing move is coming a little early Ted.

He reversed his finishing move. He's peed all over the crowd. Oh now it's it's more of a golden sprinkler. That's strange. Now I finally came up with a good wrestling name for myself Dr. Gasoline. Oh man What's wrong with that?

It's nothing we're moving on. It's just the worst name I've ever heard. So one day in 1932 while on vacation in Ireland with his wife Mr. Brucher decided to tour some of Ireland's famous round towers. I am

a German and so my idea of a vacation is to go do the dumbest most boring thing possible because of history. So it sounds very fun to me. As he was taking in the beauty of a particular tower whose entrance was for some reason

15 feet above the ground Mr. Brucher saw a strange figure emerge and began to walk on thin air with no means of support as a circus performer might walk on a tightrope. Mr. Brucher moved closer

to the castle to get a closer look but as he moved forward he heard someone walking behind him and when Mr. Brucher turned around he was faced with a tiny figure of a 3 foot tall man naked except for a brown floppy hat

and Brucher said the sheer ugliness of the little man made him sick as he was covered in warts had a large misshapen nose and most disturbingly of all had a disproportionately huge

thick penis almost to the ground and here Mr. Brucher's own words is what happened next The goblin seemed fully aviated I was unable to take my eyes off his giant member

and giggling like a maniac I should say he began to swing it around and round like an enormous piece of rope and at this point I was walking backwards and stumbled over a rock so he answered back of my next standing on end and as I did so the ugly misshapen goblin

rushed towards me and in fear of danger I held my hands to my face expecting a blow when I suddenly experienced something hot and wet hitting me the goblin was urinating on me

as I looked up to now moin anger moin anger sinhora the ugly being began to fade away slowly taking on the appearance of the ghost you see in the pictures in the moving pictures Hitler loves the moving pictures

now why I did it I do not know but my first reaction was to lift up now why I did it I do not know but my first reaction was to lift up my arm to my nose and I smelt it you smelt it I had to

I was being curious I'm curious about boring things I'm German because of the urine shower which I had just experienced strangely not only did my clothes not smell but I realized that my previously wet clothing

was now completely dry I could see the gnome like figure once more returning to the air to the door of the tower in the same way that he came down so you did smell the pee though oh and it smelled most vigorously like pee for up to three seconds

strangely Mr. Brooker's experience with the urinating goblin is the only known encounter on the record although locals in Ireland are convinced that he had come into contact with quote-unquote

one of the little people and actually turned out it was the great great grandfather of Peter Dinklage oh isn't that something it's kind of nice yeah I thought it was my mother you came in contact with my mother wow well that was you know I wanted to say

scary and creepy but really it was sexy and naughty yeah if you came at all while we were doing the show while you were listening to the show first of all you know what actually congratulations congrats I hope it did it for you if we made one person come with the show I think we did our job

as long as it wasn't the radiant boy as long as it wasn't the boy yeah but even just if you were if you can come enough just from the description naked beautiful boy then you should go to the police and have them arrest you self-arrest yourself but if you also if you came to the idea

of a urinating goblin that's technically legal that's totally legal don't even worry you can just find a little person to pee on you I technically have the same body as that little goblin yeah and I've seen you wear brown floppy hats on occasion yeah strange wow what an episode guys what an episode what an episode

thank you guys so much for listening we will be in Atlanta this weekend yes yeah yeah this Saturday we're going to be playing the Earl go to badurl.com to get your tickets it's going to be fucking awesome we got a we got a a puppet man opening up for it

not a puppet man he's not a puppet man I thought he was a puppet man puppet man's a weird way to describe a person puppet man's almost yeah it's disgusting that's weird no he's Professor Mortay is Shane Morton from your pretty face is going to hell does all the makeup

is going to hell does a spook show called Professor Mortay and he is hilarious and it's going to be no puppets no puppets not a single okay no no puppets can I find a puppet man I will show you a puppet man we've interviewed Shane before on the show he's a great guy it's going to be a

wonderful performance done by all yeah absolutely it's going to be great babes and booze and spooks and hollers yeah that's right it's going to be awesome yeah that's June 18th it's going to be an early show I think it's at 730 730 say I go to badroll.com then a week after that

the Saturday after that we're going to be in Washington DC at the Kennedy Center just google last podcast on the left Washington DC you'll find tickets for that and we can travel so much we're doing all these live shows because you guys have been so wonderful with the patreon thank you guys you're really helping us out a

lot yeah patreon.com slash last podcast on the left if you guys feel like if you feel like that we deserve a little bit of cash for what we're doing go over and give to us there thank you so much for everybody that has contributed money so far god damn we appreciate you guys so much

we couldn't even tell you I'm going to quickly say it's like there's been a lot of heavy stuff going on in the world and in the country it's a part of why we did kind of a light fun episode today after doing the hillside stranglers I think I think a little bit of a message out there of a shoot love and productivity everywhere you go instead of destruction

and bullshit like embrace your fellow man and make something instead of destroying something yeah love passion satan that's what I say yeah that's great and yeah we talked about the situation this week on this week's abling is top at so go check that out and listen to roundtable of gentlemen

as well but we do but the next couple episodes we have coming up are I think you're going to really like we have a couple of good ones in the a couple of good we have a couple of good we're doing a bunch of episodes but we got a couple of really good ones and one I'll put this way is very much

enjoy endorsed by Jeff Goldblum really next week's episode I love Jeff Goldblum I actually just rewatched the fly it's creepier and creepier when he picks his nails off oh my god also check out the trailer for 31 it looks fucking

awesome the green room was also incredible I finally saw it I can't wait to see any on demon green room is by far my favorite movie of the year also Alex Jones was was proliferating David Ike's death hoax last night

but it was like last night before literally there was a whole thing that went out that David Ike had died and I freaked out and I literally had an emotional response I had like a preview of when he actually dies I got emotional yeah I was like I have to go and I'm just like I gotta re-up on my David

Ike yeah re-up I gotta reach out to him I gotta talk to him once well if anybody knows how to get in contact with David Ike I can send him a message right now we probably could just send him a Facebook message he's a lonely maniac I want to be his friend

yeah these guys that like we think they're constantly busy we think they're like always they're doing nothing remember when I sent that email to Stan Friedman we thought he wouldn't get back to us and he sent me an email back within seven minutes well that is a that's a fucking spoiler I'd say more like a

let's say more preview I got to meet Carl Rove as well and I will attest he is he does have cold hands alright so you can stop at round table page seven section of the human activities Lucky Bone Show

nixclad.com slash Marcus Parks and if you guys want last but not least on the left t-shirt go to cavecomedyradio.com slash merch we're about to have a page on the cave company radio site that's going to show all of our upcoming shows it's going to have tickets to all the links

we're going to get up very soon it's going to make all that shit much easier for everybody your pretty face is going to hell it's now season two is now on Hulu so if you got Hulu you could check it out it's all on there Hale Satan I'm at Twitter at Henry loves you and fucking Instagram all the fucking horses

Hale yourselves I'm at Ben Kissell on Twitter and Ben Kissell one on Instagram I'm posting every now and again nice yeah I'm at Marcus Parks on Twitter I'm also at Marcus Parks on Instagram I post almost every day good brandy it's my name that's good own your name it's all my name

names are important Marcus Jordan parks a.k.a. Dr. Gasoline Dr. Gasoline Dr. Gasoline wow I'm the pee pee goblin what do you got Ben oh I don't know the commentator

I want to maybe like loose skinned flag again weird that's for like the late night wrestling where everybody hates to why it's just like your mom has to shield your eyes because your pants slowly fall around your ankles as you wrestle oh yeah the human

carpet that might be good yeah either the human carpet or skin flanigan either one skin flanigan skin flanigan is pretty great who wins against Dr. Gasoline woo tough to say Hale me and Hale Gein

for more shows like the one you just listen to go to cavecomedyradio.com