Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 235: Albert Fish Part II - That's How They Do It In Hollywood

Episode Date: August 10, 2016

The nightmare continues with Albert Fish part II as we delve into Albert's horrific family life, the beginnings of his religious mania, and how that would result in two of the most horrendous murders we've ever covered. It's Gold Star time.

Hey everyone we got some amazing news for you that we can finally let you know about we've been so excited about this this Friday on August 12th 8 p.m. Eastern time we're going to be premiering our brand new show on adultswim.com called the last stream on the left it is live so you have to tune in at 7 30 p.m. Eastern to check it out that's the last stream on the left on adultswim.com August 12th 7 30 p.m. Eastern we'll see all there now here's more Albert Fish there's no place to escape to this is the last time on the left that's when the cannibalism started

I'm just following my dreams I'm just following you know yes and follow the fear all right your first step is your best step never trust a rainbow that's a very good point we're good to go welcome to the show everyone I am Ben Kessel that's Marcus Park hey we got the sky is a sage over here you know I've been told is that I'm my freedom of speech is being cancelled today it's not that's I guess we're all going to talk in jail we put a small limitation on certain activities that you might want to engage in here talking jail just take them with my truths that are too real once again Henry Zagrowsky too real

for fucking America just bling bling bling bling bling bling across the bars of talking jail all right well stay in talking jail then three squares a day no actually that's why I've only been eating too because I've been skipping lunch but making my breakfast to my dinner's bigger there you go Albert Fish part two we're continuing down this nightmarish road that can only be brought to you by last podcast on the left absolutely so let's pick back up with Albert Fish in 1917 when his wife of 20 years left him for a border named John Straub who'd been staying with the fish family in their apartment leaving

Fish and all six of his children behind now this is sort of like when David Berkowitz's mother left him yeah when he would like when that finally happened it's like he this was the thing that technically threw him off the edge into total psychopath ill oligarchy I mean this is what he said threw him off the edge right so this John character went and met the now ex-wife of Albert Fish she had six kids and somehow he fell in love with her yeah well he was staying at their place and she lit out without taking the kids she left all six kids behind with Albert Fish alone with that man and what do we know about Albert

Fish and kids he's great with them well just in terms of like he is really good with like Michael Jackson was great with kids they loved coming to the and to his gigantic the Neverland Ranch filled with fun animals and carousel rides a little bit of a semen room we had a bunch of just fun balloons everywhere and everything was recorded for sound and everywhere he was playing moans to the extent that he kept them occupied I suppose yeah how hard that is six kids yeah how much spanking you're gonna have to take with six kids you're in talking being the coolest dude in the room here's your loaf thank you he likes the

loaf too much can I have a third loaf now I prefer to have all three now yes so Albert Fish he gave this as justification for his terrible behavior among many other justifications he said that he had been quote-unquote betrayed he had nothing left to keep him attached to this world so he was now justified in doing whatever the hell he wanted in his long downward spiral began fairly innocently don't know though it never was innocent comparatively innocently fairly innocently yeah yeah by Albert Fish standard yeah by Albert Fish standards this is comparatively innocently but still very creepy the

same year that fish's wife left his daughter in the middle of the night went downstairs to get a glass of water and as she walked through the living room to the kitchen she found her father lying on the floor rolled up to his nose in the living room carpet the daughter apparently used to this sort of thing went back upstairs without a word and when the daughter came back down the next morning Albert was just then unfurling himself see Daisy this is the dizzy part I want to play human cigar and when she asked him very innocently just father why would you do such a thing he said

gee John St. John the Apostle told me he was called covered in being wild stuff I'm a naughty little burrito are sometimes you know when they don't fold a burrito right it falls apart you know what you got to do to a naughty burrito what do you got to spank it back in the shape well let's get this going early kind of true actually I know you never had coffee yet my nine-year-old daughter let your coffee be spanking your father think about how much more a week you'd be every day if you had to get up and give your father a good sound spanking for being a naughty burrito

that is not right so this whole St. John the Apostle thing this is when Albert Fish's religious mania began in earnest one of his sons told a story that occurred a few years later in 1922 while the boys were playing football out on a plot of land in Westchester where the Fish family had settled following the divorce and just as Albert Junior was about to throw the ball he saw his father standing on a hill completely nude yelling I am Christ I am Christ I am Christ I am Christ your dad up there she's saying I am Christ I he's Ham Christ weird you saying it over and over and over again and the boy as the

fish children did many times throughout their lives just looked the other way like the American government did during 9-11 think about it well you know my grandmother used to stand up and her pants would constantly fall down in public places so this is that unusual for people of a certain age but you know your grandfather your grandmother right this is my grandmother on my mother's side so you can't make any jokes I know but this wasn't out of some weird sexual predilection it wasn't like she fell her pants fell down she's like oh no everybody's got to come and lick my pants up past my knees I don't know that's

when it becomes that's a sexual fetish that's an embarrassing thing that's because of old age and it probably haunted her I don't think it haunted her she loved it she was kind of even care so she was kind of like that Spencer's gift thing that you'd squeeze the bulb and yes and she laughed she loved it she didn't even laugh she didn't care she would just they'd be like hey Lily and your pants are done trick yeah and then she would just pick them up shame I can't feel anything on the skin of my legs we can't talk about this for at length but I'll go into it on round table perhaps or maybe top it all right

so 1928 fish was living with his sons Eugene and John on East Eddie first over in Manhattan the boys came home at about 5 30 in the afternoon to find their father sitting in his bedroom with the door wide open sticking needles in himself that's the strangest thing so far human cigar being Christ naked on the on the hill I can deal with both of those but now this is where it gets odd so when they asked him just what the hell he thought he was doing fish told him that he had received a message from Christ telling him that's just what he needed to do with this time in his life can you imagine if he had a smartphone

how many notifications from Christ he would have had so many to just on all platforms you know what quite frankly I'm not sure if Christ didn't want him to do that if you're Jesus you're bored constantly you're in control of everything you're like I really what can I do to mess like I just want to watch a funny show today would it be okay tell me tell me Gabriel do you think it would be funny to make this old man stick pins inside of himself like he's a big stinky bush yes Christ once again you are you are true humor I am the Dennis Miller of heaven the Dennis Miller of heaven so naturally after that the two

sons shuffled there by then 48 year old father off onto their brother Albert Jr. and again one afternoon who knows why fish loved doing this specifically in the afternoon a junior while trying to fix a pipe that had gotten all gunked up act like it was also Albert fish too because you know that if the pipes are gumped up the fucking Hamilton Dennis yeah yeah he was trying to get him ungunct and he accidentally found a pair of homemade paddles hidden underneath the sink the paddles were each about two feet long and inserted into them were nails which protruded about an inch and a half outward and both paddles were

covered in dried blood that's what he said is that the needles were actually also very short yeah that's the way they do we describe it they were like sewing needles that he had like a glued or attached them somehow to these paddles they're homemade these are like this is fucking the most Brooklyn thing that you can do this is a DIY DIY yes and he said that I only with your covered and dried blood but they were covered in bits of gore like literally stucks on the end of like if you know Texas Jainsaw massacre style like literally if you've ever been on the set of a horror movie or seen places where they build special

effects the way they do it is by they make latex and they rip it and they kind of hang it like all died with food dye and they leave it on top of the nails but imagine that but it's coming from your father's ass yeah that's an intense butcher session there I was thinking though if in case of a zombie apocalypse this would be a great apartment to break into and steal all the goods from I mean this seems like a great walloping bat to a zombie space I mean no no no you got to break the zombies head no no no the best weapon in the zombie apocalypse I think is the baseball bat with the big nails coming out Harley

Quinn trapped inside of the building with the man who's constantly asking you to spank him because he's the reason why the zombies are here well you never know I just feel like it could be a good bat good weapon it very much could be so when Albert senior arrived home a few hours later from God knows where Albert junior asked him hey what's the deal with the paddle what is the time felt ruined that entire phrase and I'm really kind of upset with him for that these paddles can use them for swimming can use them for boating what do we do in spanking ourselves with them yes yes see yourself out and after much

protesting about his son finding the paddles fish finally broke down and softly said I used them on myself I get these feelings that come over me and every time they do I have to torture myself with these paddles want some flapjacks oh yeah flapjack sounds good that's not raspberries on them so it's a bits of my ass that's it makes it a little bit worse but do you think he was having a pedophilic tendencies or your thoughts and then whatever he would have those he would punish himself with this with this spanking paddle I think that he tried to validate him to himself that that's what he was doing because

that's we're gonna find out later on is that he believed that he was punishing himself for as many crimes rightfully so but I think at the same time he had already flipped reversed it so hard that he would just like the punishment yeah this is the problem with someone who's truly this say no masochistic is that as much as you punish them they love it yep that's why sometimes you just got to give him a hug he would have hated that he would have hated it no actually I don't think so because he would have gotten hard and would have known that you would have found it unpleasant that you would use hard what hugging you

imagine hugging a tiny short little shrunken old man I mean like oh he just needs some affection and feel like that as his penis just goes up your leg I would have given him a Starbucks gift card then I've never seen somebody sad to get a gift card never the only way to torture Albert I think so free mocha so by the time the 1930s came around Albert was as far as his masochistic tendencies went really hitting his stride and despite the paddle incident Albert Junior still lived with his father in the 1930s damn it and junior said that one night he came home and heard strange noises coming

from his father's bedroom and it wasn't strange noises like and when he walked inside he found his dad standing in the middle of the room his dick in one hand and the nail studded paddle in the other he was wild eyed and panting and with every blow fish cried out and jumped up into the air yeah why would he walk into the room he knows he's not studying astronomy you know for a fact if you're hearing those kinds of sounds when you open that door you're not gonna watch a camera you're not gonna see him like solving a credit here cancer or making new telephone yeah I would have been surprised walked in and just him jump

and rope just doing my cardio son doctor says I have to yeah instead it was you know yeah keep the door shut why would he go in the door never go in the door the door was open the door was open the door was open I mean it's three noises it's the smack it's the cry and then it's the jump and then actually four noises yeah yeah that's underneath it it's like cuz either way that's the under that's the baseline cuz it just sounds like a bat got in the house and Albert fish is trying to kill it with a broom it's very black sheep but um but at this point let's you know seriously though for a second at this point you

know that your father is weird yeah and then and literally every second you leave him alone he's doing something fucked up and even when he is not alone even when you're outside playing football with your fucking friends yeah he goes out which is also a very cool way to do an audible yeah if you want to is have have a naked old man run down the field next to the football thing and then the whole football team knows to change positions I think that's an audible yeah it's also an audible yeah it's a good job it's a great way to distract the defense you know sometimes these lesser collegiate schools will have somebody get on all

fours and bark like a dog during a during an inbound pass to distract the defense and then they got an easy layup yeah your father's naked on top of a mountain wiggling his cock all over everybody Jesus Christ yeah exactly hey defensive end take a look at that absolutely disgusting but he's been living with him his whole life do you think he would have learned nothing at this point like just like he's literally lived the life of total depravity in front of his children who have now taken it to be completely normal yeah yeah and the boys I mean of course the boys got the real gruesome and disturbing stuff

the girls were somehow shielded from the absolute worst I guess because they never actually lived with him yeah and the boys I mean Albert junior he didn't tell anybody about this stuff like he told nobody about any of this stuff that it was actually happening until Albert's trial in which he actually did talk about it as proof to say that his father was insane and not legally culpable for his crimes they did it to protect him which is really interesting that's how technically a good father he was which I guess at this time period means he didn't beat them with the rod or sell them to an orphanage yeah but it literally was a

good enough father to his children somehow that they were like we're like he's sick and this is like and we this is something he suffered with yes yeah yeah yeah and the daughters had nothing but nice things to say about him even after it was almost certainly proven that he at the very least had murdered Grace but a ten-year-old girl they were still standing right by him they called the whole thing you know these weird things that a that they did that he did they said it was something that he suffered with his Harold checker says like other parents suffer from a bad heart or arthritis or something like that they

also called him his afflictions yeah which is very interesting it's kind of like you know it's like in our house it was normal my mom literally said it was bad luck if you don't go for thirds at the dinner table healthy mother yeah he's it's right she said it was like bad luck it was like a thing where she was like she felt like personally insulted if you didn't eat to the point of nausea which is why of course your dog ate itself to death well it was just living in paradise go into your mother I guess so it couldn't bark because of fat around it's very sad but you know it's interesting his kids

didn't let this slip out you know when everyone has a like one thing their father does that you talk about publicly like I had a friend whose whose dad used to watch watch home improvement and eat sardines constantly and he would just like talk about it like that's you know kind of abnormal yeah but you know whatever I mean why did his kids like in a conversation just be like yeah and you know when your dad like goes up to his room spanks himself with a paddle full of nails and starts screaming I mean life is rough right what was that Albert that's what is your your dad doesn't go my dad does normal things like molest me

and my my sister and then we go get locked underneath the sink normal things punishments slightly less normal yeah and this was absolutely something that they dealt with their entire lives up until adulthood in 1931 Gertrude his oldest and his favorite was living in Brooklyn just a few blocks from where I live now over in bedside and during a nice family dinner with her father and her children this is a full family dinner here fish started squirming around in his chair and when Gertrude asked him if his rupture was bothering him for he indeed did have a rupture he said oh no no no you see not so long ago I put

three more of those needles in me he just said this at the dinner table at the dinner table and recalling the incident years later in a jailhouse letter to Gertrude Albert wrote you remember the needles I suffered with when you were living at 529 Franklin Street they took an x-ray of me in the hospital up there I am full of them when you go to the gas station and you when you clip you fill up the tank so it goes all the way to the air sure I get a capital F for my doctor needles needles needles needles nothing but I'm hungry for lunch but I'm chock-full of needles so the doctor looked at the nurse and was like what

did we officially tell him well I guess we tell him he's full of you are clinically full of you are inside out Christmas tree yeah and these people put up with this type of thing for their entire lives when Gertrude asked fish why he was shoving these needles inside himself he gave him his stock because Jesus told me because of these feelings I got my answer but not surprisingly none of his children ever pressed him on what those feelings actually were there was I get these feelings I shove needles inside of me and they go good enough I completely agree with his children I would never

inquire what feelings would have to compel my father jam needles up his taint I have a hard time just talking with my father about regular I can't even talk to my dad about football yet yeah it's like we're building up to just getting stories from back in the day I can't imagine dealing with the deeply dark no labyrinthine and sexual fetishes that your father has your father is up in his bedroom inventing sexual fetishes whole new things and you're just having a family yeah I can I can just now talk about if a food is over salted with my dad yeah the ham is a little salty right that's like criticism is

good to help us all learn it turns into a deep conversation for some reason I wish I again I want to reiterate the fact of how scary this is I know that we come back to it's like it does seem a lot of press remember that this man is the boogeyman he's going to be called the boogeyman three or four times but he was somebody's kindly father as well which I think is the scariest factor of all we want to say kindly I'm not sure if he was a kindly he was very good to his daughter he was great to his daughter yeah and even despite all the weird stuff still good to his sons I mean they said that he was a hard worker he

never drank he never hit him which early 20th century standards pretty good for a dad yeah he loved his kids he knew how to he knew how to love his kids you knew how to put on the face of loving his kids almost makes all of it worse yeah yes well I think we were gonna discover is like these are the seeds that are planted into somebody's life when later on when they're gonna try and prove that he's insane to make sure he doesn't get the death penalty they they don't I think these are the things that show that he is not totally insane he is sick and he is depraved he's probably closest to evil that you can get like like a

Dahmer like Dahmer got evil but mostly Dahmer's came out one big fucking goosey explosion over a couple years this is 40 years of this yeah building and molesting and doing all this shit and so he knew what he was doing for a long time he was definitely a psychopath and these are this is what shows it he knew he had to be a regular dad a little bit but at the same time some of the some of the curtains are gonna show yeah and this could also be a case of paraphernia which we talked about in our witches episode and it's a sickness in which someone's looks outwardly sane for all intents and purposes their actual

outward personality isn't saying but what's going on inside their head is you know just bats and fire oh interesting yeah awesome man everything's just like a black Sabbath cover kind of but it's real oh it's real out of it no it's not metal and fun that's the problem that none of it's metal and cool it's just truly nightmare like the music never stops so 1929 Albert discovered what would become probably his fourth favorite hobby behind the piss and shit and self-flagellation fish began writing horrible disgusting letters to women whose names he got from classified ads and matrimonial agencies and in most of

the letters fish presented himself as a successful Hollywood producer saying he would offer his undang affection as well as large sums of money in exchange for the performance of services for both himself and a fictitious son named Bobby good fakes on name good fakes on because he had said something like grape soda oh it's a fake son yeah and according to fish who usually used the pseudonym Robert Fisk Bobby had been crippled at the age of nine by an attack of infantile paralysis but despite being bedridden Bobby was still a very bad boy who needed frequent spankings specifically with a cat o nine tails and if you aren't

familiar a cat of nine tails is essentially nine whips in one so you get a lot of bang for your buck lot of bang for your buck you're saving money you're saving spankings yeah it is designed specifically to not only cause severe pain but to also lacerate the skin the cat as it's called was also the punishment of choice for Britain's Royal Army and Navy for many a year are so sexually bizarre you're all very and they have no chins they have got weeks to the British men have been watching Great British Bake Off and these men are gross-looking yeah oh yeah but they can bake can't they yeah so they can many

fine desserts you wonder if he thought if Albert Fish got extremely aroused with the stations of the cross yeah you know everything quite a quite a erotic for a man of his of his ilk everything he was sexually obsessed with the why he left on the YMCA every single thing which is the least sexy place in the world oh yeah there's upwards of 200 naked boys and men and Barbara Streisand and yet yes and Barbara Streisand and yet now we're also gonna find to is that Albert Fish is sort of like the original troll because it's basically you have all these kind of people just out there literally putting their name out there for for

help yeah he would use that information in order to torture them and he loved the feeling of knowing that somebody else was reading the thing and getting offended or upset yeah he loved it and this is what he wrote about his son Bobby being a naughty boy this is what he assured the recipient of the letter say that he is a naughty boy but he does not wet or must his clothes or the bed he will tell you when he has to use the toilet number one or number two for number one his pants must be unbuttoned at the crotch and his monkey taken out his pants and drawers are all made up with the drop see all you have to do is

lose three buttons in the back down they come all right well that's disgusting I vomited a little bit in my mouth and I never want to hear that again but what is interesting is that he'd use this letter as a bait letter so he would say that's the bait letter that's the bait letter because at the time he would say that the doctors gave him a prescription saying he needed to be beaten and he to be cat nine tailed and did every day he had to do this every day and you do this and often not get a response he just liked it so up to this point what you'd say is in respect say that if in return for these duties I will give you

upwards of thirty five thousand dollars in a follow-up letter if they say something in return yeah one woman escalated this for a long time and they had it back and forth together I cannot find her name it is in the book deranged by Harold Schechter and it is a but it's true and it builds to something else entirely yeah this is the first level of the trolling now we're gonna see where it goes to the second level what level would you get with level two I can't wait for level two I mean this is early 20th century cat fishing it is so bizarre to me that that's a bait letter it reminds me of the bait cars that cops

use but if they use like a you go and they're like someone's gonna come and steal this beautiful you go they usually put out a relatively nice car that might theoretically be stolen by somebody the fact that this got any response whatsoever kind of proves the person that responded to it is a little cuckoo bananas to right not a silly cuckoo bananas most of the time desperate like horribly desperate this is the depression this is a great depression there are their people out there that are desperate for anything and that's what he takes advantage of is just desperate people it's also sort of like instead of

using a bait car all together he they just use a shit-covered boy yeah I guess so yeah and that last letter gross right Ben super gross disgusting yes extremely gross you didn't think it was funny and cool yeah I didn't think I thought it was mostly like this is a good thing that I'll read after I ate a bunch of Thanksgiving dinner I need to purge did you so you didn't like him calling the boys penis is monkey no quite frankly it was one of the more disturbing imagery images I ever had because they actually pictured a monkey and then what would that what would that be like you know if you have problems

with that I have a lot more problems with everything else we're gonna read in this episode I'm already having visions of toy box killer I can't deal with it well this is what he would direct towards the women this is what he was building up to I wish you could see me now I'm sitting in a chair naked when you strip me naked you will see a most perfect form yours your sweet honey of my heart I can taste your sweet piss your sweet shit you must pee pee in a glass and I shall drink every drop of it as you watch me tell me when you want to do number two I will take you over my knees pull up your clothes take down

your drawers and hold my mouth to your sweet honey fat ass and eat your sweet peanut butter as it comes out fresh and that's how they do it in Hollywood that is true he's ended it with that's how they do it in Hollywood what he's right it is how they do it in Hollywood I know for a fact yes you know what when I was reading that letter I remember specifically hmm because I got a breakfast burrito and I was reading through Durange and as that letter came up I ordered and this is true extra avocado in the burrito and so as I read it I took a big bite of just a mouthful of just smushy niche which is what

he's about to call it and so here we talk about this and what they don't we don't put in this letter is it also a thing that Albert Fish had was a predilection for painting his ass different colors and shaving himself entirely and so when this woman finally showed up to meet him she actually they got together and met when she met him she was like well he's obviously not a Hollywood producer because he's a shabby old man she removed his clothes and spanked him right because he said he's so I'm gonna maybe give you I mean give you this money he was completely shaven and his ass was painted red he

also will sometimes paint his ass gold I don't mind that I think that's actually kind of normal I guess it's fine I guess it's fine yeah I mean with Albert Fish it's when you take these things like one or two at a time it's not that like that it is the culmination right that letter it's like you know you must pee pee in a glass and I'll should shall drink every drop of it as you watch me sure yep people write that type of stuff to each other on the internet every single minute of the day every single bit literally every single there's some there are 30 people right now writing that exact same thing to another person

who loves it I think there are nine people listening to this podcast right now actively drinking a glass full of people I mean that I think that's a wonderful thing if that's what you're into get after it of course the dookie thing becomes a little bit more extreme it's a little more extreme there's got it I'm sure there are a few listeners out there that love the dookie and that's totally fine but Albert Fish when you take it all together as a career like Derek Jeter not on a day-to-day he wasn't that great but you look at the whole thing yeah totally yeah absolutely so fish was eventually caught

writing these absolutely horrific letters in a moment of hubris when he decided to take his chances with a woman he thought might be into the sweet peanut butter scenario and included his return address with said letters you like buck shots buck shots you know those little Christmas cookies their peanut butter with chocolate in them that's what this makes me think of it is how permanently ruin them I never heard him called a buck shot never heard him call buck shot either what do you call them the thumb print cookies I call them rabbit turd yeah so fish was immediately arrested and interviewed by

a court social worker who described fish's behavior as quote questionable and upon the social workers recommendation fish was promptly committed to Bellevue the psychiatrist trying to get to the root of this odd old man's habits asked fish where he got the idea to write these letters and fish said it all started and he was working as a painter at a sanitarium up in Harlem a bit story time with Albert Fish so one night a chauffeur who had found a pile of dirty letters in a sanitarium garbage can how romantic of dirty letters yes a sanitary sanitarium dirty letters so crazy

person dirty letters what would that sound like ragging razzmatazz oh you know your breasts got spirals in them hypnotize hypnotize I can't stop reading so he read these letters allowed to a group of men in a weird early 20th century version of a stag party this is kind of like you know when John Wayne Casey we get all the boys together and they'd watch porno movies in his garage this by except this was a bunch of dudes in the depression in an alley of a sanitarium reading dirty letters that were found in a garbage can it's just like Sesame Street if Sesame Street was in shit

covered hell yes that sounds about right and fish said that after hearing the letters he thought it would be a hoot to write a few of them himself and when the psychiatrist asked him why he eventually came to feel as if he had to write these letters fish said it was just sort of a habit this kind of a cool fun crazy thing I did I've also been folding a thousand cranes heard if you do that you get one wish and you know what my wish is what's that someone to shit on my face sounds like you've already got your wish that you live in the dream stop with the origami whenever you want so throughout this

interview the psychiatrist noted that fish seemed to be quiet downtrodden even boring until the psychiatrist asked fish about his faith to which fish proclaimed himself to be a devoted Episcopalian but when the doctor asked him if his habit of writing dirty letters clashed with his Christian beliefs fish said there is no comparison and they didn't get another word out of him but still declared him quote unquote not insane and let him go I wonder how big that stamp is yeah not insane man I couldn't stop Episcopalian you know our listeners were thinking it so I just said it so they could feel

validation wow wow wow wow wow nice um he's the disgusting monster but less than a year later fish was arrested and placed back into Bellevue for sending obscene letters to the proprietor of a local boarding school and this time police actually searched fish's apartment they of course found many many more letters but the letters paled in comparison to what they found in the dresser drawer they found a cat and nine tails which was to be expected that's his that's in his bed that's in his case that's a shit that's fine and when police asked what he did with that fish said I whip myself with it although I

don't suppose that's anybody's goddamn business but my own I'm gonna say good point fish absolutely point fish I'd say the only point he gets but much more disturbing was the food they found in the drawer buried underneath his clothes was a decaying hot dog wiener and a carrot and for some reason one of the cops actually picked up the hot dog with his thumb and forefinger there are see something under the spell I mean it's like my fingers first make sure I make sure they're good and clean I'm gonna pick it up I'm gonna put this in evidence bag and you know I want to make sure again is that um when you pick

something up from crime scene just make sure your fingers are good and clean the cop held it at arm's length and asked fish what he did with both the wiener and the carrot so guy you leaving this out for some kind of salad or something because it got the hot dog carrot salad just seems like it sounds peculiar but I bet if you mix it up with some spice in there you get some you make some lightness with some acidity or you put some lime juice on there and stuff so that would actually be great so what are you doing with these through which fish replied stick them up my ass I feel bad about licking my fingers now but he literally just said

I stick them up my ass but again not illegal leave him alone oh the carrot I mean at this point so far the cops have nothing on the guy I mean can you imagine how loose his butthole has to be for him to put a hot dog up in there and then bring it back out again the ad not that I mean I mean he doesn't have like all the fancy lubes that we're accustomed to to slip things in and out of a butthole no hole is that it is a tight tight thing and hot dog wieners are very soft do we know if the hot dog was cooked no of course not no it was a it was a raw dog it was just a raw dog wiener dog in himself is that where the term comes

from oh but he had old tiny lubes or just like they don't make them like they used to now that was just literally axle grease yeah he was going to get him to stick him out we can also maybe call him a punyada punyada yeah wow all right so he's got a got a carrot a hot dog and a cat tail night I got a little wet there all right and after this incident he was held for ten days where neither the whip nor the food up his ass were discussed no reason to know never met you and fish was once again released by a doctor who described him as quote quiet cooperative and oriented oh now fish didn't just

anonymously send letters to unsuspecting single women and widows sometimes he'd even deliver the letters himself with a recipient knowing full well where the filth was coming from in 1929 fish was sharing a room with a couple of his sons in a boarding house here in New York City beautiful I heard if you make it there you can shove a bunch of carrots up your butt any time you want anywhere you wish the proprietor of this boarding house with was a one Mrs. Carlson Carlson said like many other people who had direct personal contact with fish that he seemed like a harmless middle

aged man that was the thing about fish is that if people just sort of saw him off in the distance he was creepy he was terrible he was the gray man but if you and if you of course if you got to know him you knew that he was all sorts of fucked up but just in general everyday pleasantries he was all right sure see the way he was also described though was stooped shabby like that was a thing you always hear a lot it's that he just seems it's more like there's pity involved they look at a man these kind of got a five o'clock shadow all the time a big hangdog mustache he was wore shitty clothes and he had a habit of clenching

and unclenching his hands nervously everywhere he went you imagine he was literally also moist to the touch I imagine most people just assumed oh this is a poor little like bad creature he's just like he's a poor unfortunate soul yeah that kind of walks the earth shuffling around and so we're gonna kind of not deal with it and don't realize that now those are all the telltale signs of somebody who is a molestar that's why I don't have sympathy for anybody anymore the show is ruined me I see an elderly person on the subway everyone says oh my god the stories they must tell they're full of hot dogs

full of them that's what they smell that way yeah they're a little street meat stands walking ever yeah and speaking of a molestar he was very interested in taking this woman's little boys out for afternoons at the movies never did never left her children alone fish so we know that but three months later she started getting letters from Albert and after the third letter which was apparently so terrible that mrs. Carlson couldn't even bring herself to speak a word of it she kicked the entire fish clan out of her house never be seen again but fish left something behind when Carlson went up to inspect the room upon the fish

family's departure she found in the middle of the floor which she could only refer to as quote a little mess what we're about to read here is the actual real one hundred percent true back and forth between mrs. Carlson and the prosecuting attorney during Albert fishes trial mrs. Carlson what do you mean by a little mess I don't like to say just what it was he made just some sort of dirt and he left it behind the door can you say what kind of dirt it was do I I have to what kind of dirt was it mrs. Carlson human dirt number two yes number lawyer lawyer is Ed in the so often in the trial yes it's literally

like a playground trial Albert fish must have been so hard during his own trial listening to everyone saying pee pee and poo poo around him like everybody's nine if you could ask your defendant to stop touching himself please during the trial he would make also they would say Albert fish during the trial would just make hopeless shrugs he would just go like that that emoji weird little thing but despite the shitting on the floor despite the dirty letters and despite the self-mutilation fish held on tight to his own twisted version of Christianity now this is a problem with with with these religious iconography and images

that we're gonna get because he was obsessed with the story of Abraham and Isaac yeah yeah in which Abraham was ordered by God to sacrifice Isaac his only son just to see if he would do it in Abraham acting on God's authority see this sounds a little fucking familiar yeah bound his little boy to a piece of wood and was about to stab him to death when an angel came down from up on high and essentially said whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa never mind God's just fucking with you you pass dude now just do whatever hang tan dude so I'm just gonna kill kill this kid though dude you got it you know but that's it but the problem

with is that it's sort of like what happens especially in the Christian I mean I guess any religion any devout really crazy that it's kind of like in heavy metal when you with some people used to believe that Iron Maiden was really evil and then you like listen to the lyrics that it's like them talking about the devil and stuff like that but mostly just in a rock and roll way it's about being fun and awesome but Dungeons and Dragons have the stuff yeah it's like yeah it's like yeah it's just it's dragons and demons and shit it's fun Albert Fish took the stuff in the Bible like Abraham and Isaac that's supposed

to be kind of like a funny story I guess it was supposed to be fake it's obviously fake it doesn't happen he took it like it was really really real and he built his own twisted mythology around it within his own head people still do yeah and he took it to heart in 1924 with the murder of an eight-year-old boy named Francis McDonald see Fish believed that if sacrificing a child was wrong God would send an angel at the last second to stop him and unfortunately no such help came for Francis McDonald who was strangled to death with his own suspenders and Fish was preparing to dismember the boy on

the spot when he thought he heard someone approaching and fled for some reason I pictured the angel is Bjork wearing her swan suit really she would be a good angel if I had to have an angel in my life if you had to have an angel come and tell you to stop murdering the boy or don't murder never murder only jump did you just jump did it sounds Jamaican no that sounds like Bjork if you're dirty Bjork you have to sound like this Bjork never kill jump only jump that's good that's my angel I like Bjork thank you see Fish would not only use the story of Abraham and Isaac to justify his crimes but he would use

other Bible verses as well taking them out of context and twisting them to his own needs see Fish's Episcopalian belief I think is very important here because from what I can tell from the Episcopalian website what Episcopalians do yeah it seems as if Episcopalianism is an interpretive sect of Christianity they even have their own addendum to the Bible that they call the Book of Common Prayer so it's like make them up yeah it's even it's all made up yeah it's all made up but you know some of them adhere stricter that is more strictly to the Bible than others and it seems like the

Episcopalianism is one that gets a little bit more interpretive with it so it's possible that this sect played into Fish's fish playing fast and loose with the verses for example one of his favorites Psalms chapter 137 verse 9 says happy is the one who seizes your infant and dashes them against rocks it's a tough favorite so yeah happy is the person who grabs your infant by their ankles and slams their brain into a rock is he taken out of context it seems like the Bible is sending messages specifically to Fish telling him it was totally okay to kill children yeah it's basically just like be Babe Ruth but

instead of a baseball bat use a baby but when taken in context it's really just some Jewish dude who's super upset at Babylon and is just blowing off some steam I don't think it's up it's supposed to be sarcastic essentially it's sarcastic it's the Bible the Bible's tongue-in-cheek not in that one section that's funny yeah what do you think the Jews got it from their sense of humor yeah I thought they got it from their years of being the butt of everybody's cruelty yes there's a whole lot of places they got it from okay yeah but yeah that's what it was is that it was just saying you know and a lot of

things in the Bible can be taken completely out of context twisted for and people can do it on both sides you know they absolutely can't but the murder of Francis O'Donnell would be nothing compared to his next murder fish claimed in a handwritten confession to the abduction and killing of a four-year-old boy named Billy Gaffney and his parents called him candy boy I actually don't think that's a bad nickname my parents called me lover of bread Ben yeah he just knew that oh just give him a baguette he'll never not be smiling love bread are you love bread was that like a weird like German

translation yes okay so it was like a German so it's like you know Luftwaffe moved off the pants can something like that but also so this is a really sad story because the parents left Billy alone they came from a poor family living in tenement house and Billy was playing with his best friend and when they went he went missing they were the search everywhere for him a tore up this family's life of course as it always does and then they asked a little boy like what happened what was the last thing that you saw once a lot of time you saw Billy and he was like the boogeyman took him and hence the nickname yeah and I

want to clarify for the listeners I mean you know obviously we make fun of everything on this show specifically the monsters we try not to make fun of the victims and so if it ever comes across that way that's never the intention these are very sad situations and this boy did not deserve obviously the horrific end to his life it's not funny it's not funny it's very sad and he could have grown up to be a train conductor who the hell knows but other way it's a train conductor in the 1940s 50s and this man would have the job would be very good it's an extremely respectable job it was certainly that

it's a it's a fine job it's not even it's a respectable it's a respectable job oh you're G to Donna G train is also an MTA train which is also a very respectable job yeah it may be an MTA yeah very respectful so we have that written confession and if this is true then the murder of Grace Budd was almost a mercy in comparison now we haven't done this in a long long time not since our very first I think our very first 9-1-1 episode if you make it to the end of this you get an official last podcast on the left gold star and that gets you no money and it gets you know like points off your license no and it does

nothing but what it does mean is guarantees you have a personal problem yes and technically we don't even have gold stars we don't I mean there's no that's like the Marvel no prize there's nothing tangible here you just have it in your own brain put it this way so remember again Albert Fish everything that we know about him comes from the testimony of his children and his confessions and from the letters we got we don't know what's real or what's fake what we do know is that his kids saw a lot of weird shit and their testimony in order to prove that their father was insane it gives us the basis

for the fact that he lived a life of total depravity now this letter is pretty rough but who knows if it's all true it could be sort of like fanfiction of his own life a little bit yeah or what he wish he did yeah a lot of times they do exaggerate the worst parts of human behavior as a point of pride so we don't know yeah or they have the harry potter fuck the other boys that would be fanfic and so that's a slash thick slash thick oh so this is that it's his version of slash thick maybe or it's real I don't know you decide there is a public dumping ground in Riker Avenue Historia all kinds of junk has been

thrown there for years I brought him to the Riker Avenue dumps there's a house that stands alone not far from where I took him I took the boy there stripped him naked and tied his hands and feet and got him with a piece of dirty rag I picked up out of the dump then I burned his clothes through his shoes in the dump then I walked back and took the trolley to 59th Street at 2 a.m. and walked from their home next day about 2 p.m. I took tools a good heavy cat of Ninetales homemade short handle cut one of my belts in half and slit these halves in six strips about eight inches long I whipped his bear behind till the

blood ran from his legs I cut off his ears nose slit his mouth from ear to ear gouged out his eyes he was dead I stuck the knife in his belly and held my mouth to his body and drank his blood I picked up four old potato sacks and gathered a pile of stones then I cut him up I had a grip with me I put his nose ears and a few slices of his belly in the grip then I cut him through the middle of his body just below the belly button then through his legs about two inches below his behind I put this in my grip with a lot of paper I cut off the head feet arms hands and the legs below the knee this I put in sacks weed with

stones tied to the ends and threw them into pools of slimy water you will see all along the road going to North Beach I came home with my meat I had the front of his body I liked best his monkey and pee wees and a nice little fat behind to roast in the oven and eat I made a stew out of his ears nose pieces of his face and belly I put onions carrots turnips celery salt and pepper it was good then I split the cheeks of his behind open cut off his monkey and pee wees and wash them first I put strips of bacon on each cheek of his behind and I put them in the oven then I picked four onions and when the meat had roasted about fourth

of an hour I poured about a pint of water over it for gravy and put in the onions at frequent intervals I basted his behind with a wooden spoon so the meat would be nice and juicy and about two hours it was nice and brown cook through I never ate any roast turkey that tasted half as good as his sweet fat little behind it I ate every bit of the meat in about four days his little monkey was as sweet as a nut but his pee wees I could not chew and we'll be back next week good food network show from hell like kind of that's what's like fucked up but you know that he would present it like it's a fun cute cooking

there was a recipe for him yeah he did it was so matter-of-fact just a recipe just like show he was he actually was twisting yeah it was twisting it he twisted he was presenting it he was literally I had a recipe I had an idea for cooking this boy and I saw through it very detailed because this is exactly how I wanted it to come out all right wow that's Albert fish part two congratulations for making it through everyone we're trying to have a we're trying to be as light as possible with this very heavy subject matter and hopefully you're getting a lot of information you didn't previously have

yeah this is cute yeah like a cute show it's fun and cute it's about a cute old man yeah if you don't take if you completely reverse what the show is I would say that this show this whole episode shows that old dogs can learn new tricks I'm not sure if that's right and it's like that I'm not talking about a John Travolta Tim Allen movie right now all right so thank you guys so much for listening yeah absolutely I want to thank Brianna Parrish you can find her beer Brianna Parrish calm for sending us the last of a series of three in the cutest serial killers that I've ever seen in my life she just sent us her a

little edgine and he's got a halo of nipples and he's got a little he's got a little tattoo that says mom and she also sent us a beautiful like little Richard Ramirez who has really bad breath and of course a cute little gasey yeah you can find her work at Brianna Parrish calm thank you so much Brianna for sending us all that cool shit you're absolutely amazing and among my favorite artists out there thank you and Marcus is wearing a shirt we just got today from Friday yeah so check that out I mean I don't know I have no idea maybe they're terrible I don't know God knows I'm hoping you don't go there it's

just a bunch of being like we slam as many holes as you can fail like what I don't even know but otherwise a cool shirt yeah sure sure yeah yeah thank you guys yeah and thank you guys so much for giving to the patreon that's been a life changer yeah patreon.com slash last last podcast on the left if you guys want to contribute to not just last podcast on the left but to cave comedy radio at large because you know of course we know a lot of people out there listen to all of our shows thank you so much for listening to every show me and bendu abling is top at round table gentlemen the stuff that I do a

Jackie Zabrowski section of the human activities in page seven and my own little music show the lucky bone show that you can find at mix cloud comm slash Marcus parks yes very nice and you can find Marcus parks on Twitter at Marcus parks and Instagram at Marcus parks on Instagram I'm Ben kissle one and on Twitter I'm Ben kissle I'm almost at 10,000 I'm gonna get there and when I get there my ego is gonna go who are you people you're gonna start doing that who are you already have well my name is Henry Zabrowski you can find me on Twitter at Henry loves you at Dr. Fantasty and I do amazing levels of

content everywhere we go and my brand is increasing in popularity and societal thing and I will escape from free speech jail you're still in jail my friend ding ding ding ding ding there's a man in here and he says he wants to take me to the shower room and I said no sir this is free speech jail you've got to go with them I'm a published author by the way so I'm now I'm gonna say it starts saying things like I've never your published author yeah Heat Street published my work all about third parties check it out it's a great article yeah I haven't read it I haven't been out the internet for two days it went

Ben Kissel viral which means 15 people 35,000 35,000 I don't know it was very good though it's a very successful article so I'll be ready more though so I'm an author so now again well I've never say I actually just I'm gonna post it somewhere it I've been reading this really interesting academic article that's like talking about like the philosophy behind whether or not we live in a hologram or some sort of simulation I gotta tell you it's complicated post it up and I gotta say let's change the simulation up like a little bit I want to be shorter I want more cash oh yeah that would really help

and so you guys are sure and with the patreon you guys are changing our reality with that so thank you we're changing everybody's reality I'm gonna say hail yourselves and do we want to plug the what we got Baltimore coming up Baltimore August 19th actually it's no week from Friday oh my god yeah yeah August 19th coming back to come back to Baltimore go up you get out of bar.com or bad auto or something like that just you know you'll get it you'll figure it out you're smart people I believe I can officially say this but I'm not sure the time of yet we're supposed to come through we're gonna be giving a stream

live stream show for adults swim.com which will be starting next Friday hopefully and we will definitely confirm that with a time we'll announce it on the Facebook page but I'm very excited I say we stay it out we say it out loud and make it a reality exactly because then it becomes a reality legally or not it's correct hail safe and everyone hail yourselves and hail gain and let's leave the kids alone for a second for like a whole lifetime you know what instead of molesting the kids you know what you do you tap them on the shoulder and you say hey little bud make goestalations you can be president you can be president man my

bottom is really uncomfortable I don't know what it is yeah I think I got like something on my bottom yeah is it your rupture it's all those needles it's time for more shout outs everybody yeah remember I know a lot of people said last week I didn't hear my name that's because we have a lot of names to go through so be sure to tune back every week to see if this is your week to be shouted out it's like our version of the Vietnam War Memorial yeah you're coming into the draft as well we're drafting you into the big leagues here of the last podcast on the left it reminds me also when I was in the tombs for 24 hours how

exciting it was to hear my name because then you get to get out cuz it's like you're a celebrity for a second but you're in jail yeah all right so the first name that I have here on my magical list it belongs to a fellow named Russell Matalozo hmm isn't that a fun name Andrew Palmaville and Pomeranians are my favorite animal so that's a whole village full of them Pomerville sir sir's nobog Zernabog Zernabog sounds like a cyborg I love him this person his name is UK HC so I don't know how to say that British Hillary Clinton oh there it is Kelly Carpenter Candace Whitaker Mark Olay

Nick Lazzell Sasha Sparks sounds fancy sexy yeah Joe Bollinger and Brent B thank you guys so much see bone Jones for 20 days I can smell that leaf you piece of shit nice guy he is nice Jacob boring no good guy Jake rides again what happened the first time Jake what did you what did you do the first time what did you fuck up I'm glad you're back Bobby John's Trevor Hein which is short for Heine Charlotte Collins hi my name is Charlotte Collins that is not a fake name I am a woman Rob Rob K rile camp at yahoo.com is that your name do you sell your name to yahoo.com

I would Nikki Lee hmm Emile H and Megan round I would sell my name to Hotmail but spell it M-A-L-E Megan rounds is also rounds is also a term that I also imagined that Albert Fish would use instead of Pee Wees oh I got Coleman Brown Sean Earl Beard Heather Shane Riley Cisco Keith Cassidy hmm Michelle knee Leslie Afaro Alpharo Alpharo Leslie I know Leslie Alpharo yeah she's been around she came in Chicago she's lovely wonderful human great small small very small that's good God made us in all different sizes and speaking of people who have come to the show China white one of the go-go-go girls yeah

Pittsburgh Queens of Zensei and C-17 I believe is their podcast yes follow them on Facebook they are always coming up with hilarious videos yeah they are there's Sarah young Naya Henderson Jared counts and Bedlam simply bed is he one of those amateur superheroes like they had a guy in Tucson yeah the Phoenix I think it was called I like bed ham more late I'm in bed disgusting all right my list continues there's a fellow his name is Pru PRUE so thank you Pru Kimberly Pulaski she's an N away from being a director hmm Kate okay Kimmy ooh this is a fun one Amanda hog it is nice that's a nice name Tamara Sellers

Lucy James Ian Graff Tanner Elberti and Franklin Smith Franklin Smith thank you guys very very much Jason Widdell Tom Connelly thank you Irish man Tina broccoli broccoli Tina broccoli tiny little feet on that Tina broccoli of Amanda Ham and Amanda hog and broccoli got together mmm we almost have a dinner me can't foul Shane Smith who sounds like a wide receiver yeah isn't that the dude who owns vice Shane Smith yeah all right so the owner for vices and it's big number but I mean write a fucking article about us yeah maybe that'd be nice Justin Andrew Boyer Mike Freeman Derek Spencer and Matthew elders thank

you and Hail Satan thank you hell yourselves I got a guy named Phil Connack Kenaki Phil Connacky I love this guy Phil Connacky and then we got a fellow named slew it might be a girl S L E W slew slow so he's a bass player Sabrina Stenson Mary Parker Scott Murie James T Lucia Stephanie May Sean Cumstock Hill and Hall and Spencer Caroline Botker thank you Chris Scales you fishy bastard Byron Dunlop Willie Freischl Luke Morse Jared Cole Griffin Mechelburg Claire Erby Olivia Beasley Jared loose I like Olivia

Beasley she sounds like she's a detective and she's gonna find out who graffiti the school and it turned out it's Alberg fish oh my god he has been up to much worse than just graffiti the school it's brown all right we got three more names here Laura McGinnis Katie Wendt and Adam Barrett from the bottom of our wonderful hearts thank you oh you have more I guess one more Katrina English great language yes Chris Day Patrick Spaddo and Lindsay Brazell yes thank everybody so much for giving to our patreon thank you so so so much we couldn't tell you if you want to give and you haven't given you a patreon.com

slash last podcast on the left is the place thank you guys so much couldn't tell you how much it means to us and we'll see y'all soon make us relations one and all hail Satan we'll yep hail yourselves and we all we oh all of you a tug yeah and that's not or a hug I would prefer a hug tug and a hug oh all right for more shows like the one you just listened to go to cave comedy radio .com