Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 259: The Puerto Rican Chupacabra

Episode Date: February 17, 2017

It's one of the strangest cryptids around this week with the Puerto Rican Chupacabra. Is it an alien? Is it a monkey driven mad from experimentation? IS IT BIGFOOT? Tune in to find out, maybe. Dark Standoff by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Disco Medusae Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Groundwork Kevin MacLeo

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? I like better making radio with my best friend. You're so disgusting. Best friend in the world. It's nice to have. Always accepting. Never judging. Are we good to go? We are. Welcome to the last podcast. On the left everyone, I am Ben Gissel, Marcus Parks. I would introduce our Mr. Zabrowski here, but his mouth is full of food. Fueling up. Fueling up. And what an episode to fuel up on. I suppose it's apropos. We're talking about the Puerto Rican chupacabra. I thought it was going to be cute like a chihuahua, but it's mean like a chihuahua.

Let me ask this question, Marcus. Do you feel more so than any topic ever before that we're covering your true heart? Who you are as a person. Because when you say the Texas chupacabra, normally you look at the evidence and you're like, it's a duck. Or just a boy that escaped. It's a duck. Or possibly a mutated coyote. I mean, I've looked into a lot of things. For fucks. That's your Texas chupacabra. It's a duck. Which is some guy showing me like the most incredible thing is the sheeps were empty of the blood. Which is awesome. I don't think that's true. They look at a bunch of goats and sheep and they think they're literally empty of blood like it was Marvin the Martian who had showed up and attacked them like it's a Looney Tunes cartoon. We got some UFOs to get to in this episode as well. Absolutely. The Texas chupacabra and the Puerto Rican chupacabra are definitely two different breeds. The Puerto Rican chupacabra is much more rare.

The Texas chupacabra called my brother about it a couple days ago. He said about every 18 months some dumbass redneck shows up on the news saying, oh yeah, I killed a chupacabra. You knew I did. Why is the most enlightened person in Texas called a dumbass? Of course he saw a chupacabra. I was watching Monster Quest yesterday and I was like talking about the Texas chupacabra and the guy was like, nah I knew. When I saw two of my goats completely deflated that the chupacabra was somewhere out in the dead of the forest so I took a gun. I hung it from a rope in a tree and this is true. And I knew that as soon as I saw that animal I was going to pop it in the brain. And so he kept a gun in a rope in a tree and he walked through the woods until he saw something kind of like a chupacabra.

He shot it in the head and he brought it so they had of course a cryptozoologist shows up and he's dressed in a full black leather with the black leather fucking dumbass cowboy hat. A thin one like from poison. Oh yeah, Brett Michael. Yes, of course. And he shows up and he's looking at the bones and he's like, what do you think about their genuine chupacabra? And he's like, this is a very unusual dog skeleton? Second amendment rights. I think the guy might have looked like Tom Savini as well.

Oh, probably. Yeah, we're not going to be covering the Texas Chupacabra today. We're going to be covering the Texas Chupacabra in our next spate of live shows so don't worry about that. Come on out and see us. But today we're going to be focusing specifically on the OG Chupacabra, the Puerto Rican Chupacabra. Alright, let's dive in. Now a lot of the information we'll be giving you today was taken from the fantastic book Chupacabra Road Trip by Nick Redfern, who you probably saw on Monster Quest.

He's always on those shows. Does he have a very thin leather cowboy hat? He lives in Texas. I do know that. Now if you're interested in cryptids at all or the paranormal in general, this book has just the right amount of skepticism mixed in with a good amount of conviction. It is highly recommended. And this is how you know you found the right partner is if you turn to that person and say,

hey, for summer vacation, I have booked us on a Chupacabra road trip. And they say, that sounds like fun. That's nice. It's almost like the same as driving around looking for trash on the side of the highway. That's exciting because mostly what you see is trash on the side of the highway. And you never get disappointed. Not at all. In no way is that going to end your relationship.

Your fragile, fragile relationship. Now the Chupacabra is a sometimes small, sometimes large cryptid of the vampiric variety that is said to suck the blood of farm animals by puncturing their necks with long fangs. And this is where the Chupacabra gets its name from as Chupacabra translates literally as goat sucker. You know, how many times, how many years I've spent out on this farm and of all the many varied creatures that exist out in God's wonderful universe. Why can't there be a farmer sucker? I know, it's ridiculous.

With a little Chupacabra teeth in there, puncturing wounds in your penis. No, while creatures fitting the description of the Chupacabra have popped up all over the world, its origins lie in the Caribbean island of Puerto Rico, a beautiful land of rainforests, enchantment, and friendly dogs. And I already picture it wearing those little boxing shorts, little green boxing shorts with little gloves. I love them. Now tell me, you just came back from Puerto Rico.

Yeah, I spent Christmas in Puerto Rico. Did anybody accuse you of being a Chupacabra? Not at all. He's a Chupacabra! All the men who work here at the creek, all the cooks, they all call me Chupacabra. Cool. Yeah, so I guess they see something in me. Yeah, that's what it is.

Because they say the Chupacabra, what I also like is the idea of the calling card of the Chupacabra is the difference between whatever the animal it is and other predators is that it leaves its prey. So it just, which is very interesting, the idea is that most other predators take the prey and take it someplace else, but they leave it almost as if they want to be caught. Well, and they just, they only eat the, they only drink the blood, they don't eat the flesh, right? Yeah, I mean in most cases they only drink the blood, the two little puncture wounds. Now while many skeptics say that the Chupacabra phenomenon could not possibly be real

as the creature only started showing up in Puerto Rico in the mid-90s, but that isn't necessarily true. No es, necesario verdad. Good job, Henry. Now while the term Chupacabra only showed up around 1995, weird shit had been happening in Puerto Rico for decades before that and specifically weird vampire shit in addition to UFO secret government tests and a Bigfoot or two. Yeah!

Bigfoot, love them. Man, I would love to be on a Bigfoot hunt in Puerto Rico. And you could go and they got the plantains and nothing but sweet, delicious pork and the beaches and Bigfoot. Oh yeah. El Yunque Rainforest, which is where Bigfoot has been seen many a time. El Yunque Rainforest is the most beautiful place I've ever been to on the entire earth. It's fantastic. And with any luck, there'll be a Gary Busey-like billionaire aboard

who just finds himself a poor impoverished person from New York City, covers him in a Bigfoot outfit, throws him into the woods, and you get to hunt him like you're a real person. You're a real person. You're a hunter. You're for Bigfeet. Bigfoot. This isn't even though Bigfoot out in the jungle, kind of steaming, they're kind of humid,

thinking it would shave itself, probably looks like a normal Bigfoot ugly person. But before we get to all that, let's cover some of the original mid-90s sightings. Now, a woman named Madeline Tolentino reported that she witnessed a creature that was three feet tall, ran on two legs in a strange hopping motion that will become important later. Remember that! Sounds like Lieutenant Dan with the forest bump. Yeah, large black eyes, bony fingers, long arms and legs,

and a feathery line running down its back. But another witness who saw that creature closer up said that those feathers were actually sharp spines, and that witness was also close enough to see that the creature's mouth was full of fang-like teeth, perfect for goat sucking. Well, I don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but did they get married? Did they get married? Did they get married?

The thing is that I don't necessarily see fangs and think, oh, that's good for sucking. Normally what I'd like to see is a long tube with a bunch of, like, You're talking about a probiscus. Yes, like, spines at the very end of it. Now, that's good for sucking. Well, that is a good point, and maybe we can get that answered. How do they actually get the blood out of there?

That's very true. I mean, there's a lot of difference here. How are they getting the blood out of there, Mark? Oh, you know what it was? Twirly straws. Ah. Every chupacabra comes with three twirly straws. Have fun with it.

Make it fun. Make it fun. This wasn't even close to the only sighting in the mid-90s. Nick Redfern, author of Chupacabra Road Trip, interviewed a farmer named Jorge, who lived in a small village and raised roosters for cockfights, an industry that legally pumps $100 million a year into the struggling Puerto Rican economy, employing 1.2 million people.

Literally. Wow. And their baseball teams literally cost about 10 million a year. Well, we were talking before the show, out of all animal fights, cockfights are probably the most reasonable. I mean, I dated a girl in high school whose dad was a cockfighter, and he treated those animals wonderfully. Absolutely.

This is technically some sort of validation syndrome, because you chose to sleep within the cockfighting mafia. You know what I mean? So you chose to love on the wrong side of the tracks, the cockfighting track. Roosters, again, yeah, I don't feel like they have that very much, that very many emotions. No.

Until I saw chicken people. Oh, chicken people. So you're going to tell me that chickens don't have emotions, and they should be allowed to fight each other? I think it's the people that are broken inside that implant their emotions inside the chicken. Maybe you're correct. And then it's sort of a reflection.

I do want to say, though, the girlfriend that Marcus had, her father told her she must break up with Marcus, because she's dating a chupacabra, and he will kill the entire fighting flock. He's got those spaced apart teeth, perfect for sucking. Leave him, leave him. So one night, Jorge woke up to the frightened cries of his beloved roosters, but decided it wasn't worth going out.

Check on that night as chickens freaking out isn't exactly a rare occurrence. Yeah, why did he even wake up? All chickens and roosters do is scream. But when he woke up and took a look at the cages where the roosters were kept the next morning, he found that all of them were dead. Now, while one might think this was merely one of many of Puerto Rico's wild dogs having a good time, the only wounds the roosters had received were two neat puncture wounds on their necks.

Furthermore, the roosters had been completely drained of blood, although it is possible in a lot of these chupacabra cases where they say they're drained of blood, they say there's no real blood around, so they assume that there's no blood left. As Redford points out, lack of blood at the scene might just mean that the blood of the roosters had merely pooled into the lower parts of their bodies, as that does tend to happen once a heart stops pumping blood. See, I had that happen to me on Sunday because I had sat on the couch for approximately 12 hours.

And eventually, the blood does pool all the way down. Well, I suffered from blood clots growing up. Okay. Honestly though, he keeps saying this, all the blood is gone. Total asongry is a vaccinatio. I'm not sure how to say God. No, that's not right. But it's never all the way gone.

In order to get all of the blood out of something, you need a probiscous. Yeah, as far as I'm concerned. Or you got to shake it. Well, we've never actually caught a Puerto Rican chupacabra dead or alive, unlike the Texas chupacabra who has been caught dead many a time. This woman, on Monster Quest, this woman has been like, I found the chupacabra on my land, and I knew it was, because I had never seen a canine form such as this.

She chopped off the head of the corpse of this dead dog and froze it, put it in the freezer around her family, brings it out, and the guy, the cryptozoologist, she brings out this frozen head of a dog and is like, well, there's a first time for everything. Look at that. That's a dog. It was nice to have a severed dog head in your freezer for months. The only actual evidence that we had of the Puerto Rican chupacabra

forensically was a bunch of chicken feathers that were supposedly covered in chupacabra saliva, but once they were finally sent for DNA testing, unfortunately, the sample had to grade it to a point where it was useless. And there is somewhere a farmer wiping his brow of sweat, because he is like, if they find out I'm licking my chickens, I will be embarrassed. You are my favorite chicken.

You'll be so succulent. I just want to go fight. Can I go fight? I would like to go fight. You are my sweet little loud, sodlic, delicious little chicken. The chupacabra would just come and save me from this hell. But the lack of blood wasn't the only strange thing about the crime scene. All the chickens have been locked away in separate cages

when Jorge had gone to bed that night, but by the morning, each cage had been unlatched to get at the sweet rooster inside. This suggests a human culprit with opposable thumbs, but how could a human drain that many chickens with no light to guide him? As this was a small village, there were no street lamps or anything like that, and how could said human get away with no footprints?

He was floating on a bunch of balloons. That's like in the movie Up. Oh, I like that movie. And then there's the matter of the hair. Jorge found a tuft of coarse hair stuck in the wires of one cage that had been particularly roughed up. Jorge gave the tuft to the cop who showed up to investigate the dead chickens. The cop said, I'm gonna go have it analyzed,

but Jorge never saw the hair nor the cop ever again. Well, it's not a cop. That was a stripper on the way to a bachelorette party. But also, it just seems like you've got a man named Jorge who lives out and he calls the cops over and he's just like, the god sucker has come to my house and literally just trying to shut him up. So they look at the thing, they see a bunch of coarse hair in there.

They naturally assume that a Greek man has just gone rooster wild. Sure. Can you eat the chickens after the chupacabra has killed them? No, I mean, I think you can. A chupacabra chicken sounds exceptional and rare and probably a very high price for a plate of chupacabra chicken. I guess honestly the jury is out on that for me personally only because-

You eat brains? I know, but they're raised for that. They literally just have their legs of atrophied and they'd be put in a tiny cage so they can do nothing but think so their brains get big and juicy. Oh, is that what they do when they put chickens in cages? So they can think. They can think, they get big and juicy.

But my head, people also collect roadkill and eat roadkill. Well, you can't, it's legal in many states. Barment stew, yep. They call it barment stew? Some people do. I could give it a new name, probably could call it Lubbock stew. Well, I think that's the same thing. But I don't have a problem with that.

A broth called a good aspermant soup. Yeah, why not? This is more of a stew than a soup. It's just a name. Yeah, we'll call it truck tire stew. Shout out to our listeners in aspermant. Oh, absolutely. A few years later, a rancher with considerably more land and animals

told Redfern that he awoke one morning to find a gaping hole in one of his fences and four of his prized peacocks dead on the ground. See, Puerto Rico's a land of extremes. There are people that are extremely rich and people that are extremely poor. But they all drink Madaya. Oh, and who doesn't love Madaya? It's wonderful.

It's like Bud Light, but better. It's the official beer of Puerto Rico. Spanish beers are better like that. I love island beers. It's like El Presidente. El Presidente is technically the cheap ass Budweiser, I think of Colombia. And it's fantastic. Oh, absolutely.

I would not be for peacock fighting. I would be against that. How beautiful that would be. Well, it would be a bunch of Lady Gaga's fighting each other until they're just nothing but mass pools of blood. Well, I think they're just too pretty to fight. Now again, these peacocks have been drained of all the blood out of puncture wounds on the neck.

But this time, the birds also suffered from small triangular shaped wounds that have penetrated their skulls. Like a can opener. Yeah. Now the next night, the rancher on the lookout for the beast heard something forcing its way through the fence once again. He turned his flashlight towards the sound to see a four foot long creature crawling through

and the peacocks, now seeing the creature as well, started screaming at the top of their lungs, which sounds like this. That is the worst audience we've ever had. It's an interesting sound. It works. It's definitely effective at getting attention. It sounds just like a siren.

I was in an Airbnb once and I heard those noises out in the night. And I thought it was Bigfoot because Bigfoot cries are the Oh! And so we recorded a bunch of my phone. And I got really excited before I wanted to. Our friend Keith, back in the day, was a scientist. And I was like, you gotta listen to this. I think it got concrete proof of Bigfoot.

He's like, it was a peacocks. You're a fucking moron. So you did do that. Yes. I'm an investigator. You stayed in your house, though, in your underwear. Yes. You just turned on your...

I just held my phone up outside the window. With any... I mean, you're lucky it wasn't a water park full of children. That would make it extremely... And then you're trying to tell the cops you're like, I thought it was Bigfoot. I thought it was Bigfoot. Now, the rancher said the animal that was coming through the fence

walked on all fours. But when it was hit with the light, it stood up on its hind legs, snarled at him, and unsheathed a row of spikes from out its back. It stared at the rancher with glowing red eyes before dropping to all fours and running away. Oh, my God.

Is that Katie Holmes? Oh, there she goes, escaping Scientology. Good for her. Now, fairly recently in 2004, the Chupacabra attacked a small petting zoo in Puerto Rico's Illusion Park, much to the dismay of the local children who were said to be very upset.

It would have been pretty incredible if they loved it. Oh, absolutely. But you know... Look at all the violence. That is breaking the contract of the petting zoo. If you are an animal in the petting zoo, it's like, you can pet me, but you do not get to bite my neck.

That is against the rules of the petting zoo. One morning, the owner of the park came to work to find almost a dozen goats slaughtered behind the enclosed fence. But this attack was much more intense than the others. While the marks on the goats were similar to that of other Chupacabra attacks, three of the goats had been dismembered,

and one half of one of those goats' bodies had been devoured. Maybe he came back and was mad, right, because his previous attempts had been failed, sort of like the double event in the Jack the Ripper of Murder scenes. Could be. Now, then he said that due to the brutality of this attack,

it was most likely the work of more of Puerto Rico's wild dogs. The dogs. The jungle dogs. Not the nice beach dogs or the queens that hang out in front of the cute store. This is a thing... Jungle dogs. Is that a racial term?

I don't like that. Jungle dogs. Jungle dogs was taken from... Actually, that was a term Carolina used who actually grew up part ways in Puerto Rico. There's jungle dogs, there's beach dogs, there's fruit dogs. Oh, that's exciting. Yeah, I have a question.

I want to meet a bath dog and take baths with it. Puerto Rico is lousy with dogs, but most of them are... They're great for dogs. I know. I mean, well... No, no, he means it's full of dogs. It's lousy with dogs.

It's not lousy for dogs. It's a great place for dogs. Yeah, the beach dogs are wonderful because the beach dogs are all cute. They'll just walk up to you and be like, and they'll give a little bit of food and then they'll just kind of play with you

for a little bit and then they'll run away. And they'll have sunscreen on their noses because they're out on the beach so long. Little surfboards tied to their little feet. But there are really just... So there are... But the jungle dogs are worse because they're more wild?

Yeah. But you can still, like, control a jungle dog or any dog, right? Can't you just go like... Like, do the thing where you go... Like, what the guy does from Dog Whisperer. Caesar Milan? He's been proven to be a fraud.

No, I've seen him do shit to dogs. Yeah, it's all edited nonsense. What? Yeah, he's a liar. Oh! Sadly, sadly. No, I mean, these are wild dogs. Like, what?

You get a pack of wild dogs. Like, what was it? Daniel Johnson almost got killed by a pack of wild dogs. Really? He was almost killed every time he stands... Walked out of his house.

Yeah, but boy... He's a very vulnerable human being. Yeah, he really... He thinks about it. Yeah. What choices do you have to make in life to get killed by a group of rabid dogs?

I don't understand how it happens. You have to think that Casper is real. Oh, he is. But if it was wild dogs here in Puerto Rico, how do you explain the fact that the gate had not been forced open and why were there no paw prints or hairs in the enclosure

besides the hair of the slaughtered goats? Y and D. Y and D. You either of you have answers for me. Well, part of it, in my head, is number one, it's a jungle island. It's a tropical island. There's got to be a variance

of types of animals that are probably out hidden in the underbrush. As scientists, if you have to find little animals that could be... They look like balloons. And other animals look like squids. They have dog heads. They could be the Chubacabra.

Or then you could have things that are like talking boots. You don't know what's out there. We don't know. I'm thinking maybe the foot clan as a training exercise. Shredder sends them out there to go kill a bunch of goats.

But you also put... They're like turtles. They are like turtles. And you also put a bunch of stuff in here. Recently it was like, or it could be something like Stunperia. But that will come later.

Now, as we said earlier, weird shit has been happening in Puerto Rico for decades, much of which has some bearing on the Chubacabra case. And a lot of it seems to start in 1957. According to locals who talk to Redfern and one lady I found on the internet

who anonymously posted to a message board who said she was in Puerto Rico in 1957. I believe her. Definitive proof. Why would she post on a message board? Anonymously. She said, and Redfern said that a UFO

was cited by around 30 people in 1957 in Puerto Rico. Redfern said he visited the site of the alleged crash, and there was indeed a large indentation in the mountain that could plausibly be UFO-sized. And in addition,

no trees grew anywhere near the supposed landing site. Same thing as in Gulf Breeze. Cool. And it is said that when the government showed up, they found a UFO full of creatures that fit the Chubacabra description. Now, could it be that this story is merely the locals having fun

with Nick Redfern, a British man from Texas who was asking too many questions? Absolutely. It's a fun thing for them. What a great afternoon to go lie to this reporter all day, drinking medias,

shooting at his feet. Absolutely. Great time for the reporter, too. Oh, yeah. However, there was another sighting reported by Mufon. The guys, the only, the credible people, the good guys.

The people out there that are fighting for us doing the Air Force's job since 1969. That's the mutual UFO network for the uninitiated. That report was separate from what the locals told Redfern. This report told of an incident

that happened in 1984 on El Yunque Mountain home to Puerto Rico's rainforest. Oh. Many separate witnesses reported that a glowing white disk crashed into the mountain. And whaton went and said,

he actually saw the disk after it crashed. Now, I found an article that quoted a high-ranking US military officer speaking confidentially as they do. Because they're literally not allowed to speak any other way. It could have been a drunk American. No, no.

Ouch. Totally shirtless, but he just pinned all of these awards to his own skin. As long as you got the pins in the hat. That's all that mattered. This military officer said that he was a part of a team

that searched the site. Apparently, they got in some kind of shooting match with whatever it was that escaped from the wreckage. And while this guy didn't see anything concrete, he did say that they found green, luminescent blood on some of the leaves.

And this is 1984. This is three full years before Predator came out, so he's not just watching Predator. But I imagine he did say, if it bleeds, we can kill it. Oh, absolutely, he said that. What if they literally just came there to Puerto Rico for the beautiful pork?

Yeah. For the beautiful pork, the wonderful people who are so extremely friendly, I couldn't believe it. Beautiful beaches. Rain forests. Mandaya. Dessert.

Desert dogs. And then beach dogs. And ice cream store dogs. Yeah, and jungle dogs, maybe the aliens like jungle dogs more than beach dogs because they have a different climate in the alien land, and they can talk to the jungle dogs better. I just suspected that the government

covered the whole thing up and shut all the alien corpses, which very well may have been of Chupacabra shape and size off to Roosevelt Road's naval station. Wait, so Chupacabras are flying now? No, not well. Well, possibly.

How many species of man is there? Well, there's one. No, there's monkeys. Now, it could also be that these creatures did not all die, and did in fact escape, surviving in El Yunque for almost a decade on what supplies they managed to salvage

from the wreckage before eventually resorting to sucking the blood of local chickens and goats completely and totally nude. Well, you're just saying that if they need clothes. I'm speculating here that these creatures needed clothes and now they're totally fine with walking around naked. They would have made clothes.

They might have made clothes. I would have made clothes. The Terminator just went into a bar and killed somebody and got his clothes because he'd done that. I mean, if the Chupacabra wanted clothes, if they are an alien species that crashed on Puerto Rico

and have been foraging in the El Yunque forest ever since, if they wanted clothes, they could have gotten some clothes off clothesline or something, but no witnesses to the Puerto, no witnesses to the Puerto Rican Chupacabra described a Chupacabra in a T-shirt and jeans.

Or a bunch of, like a Moo Moo. It would be incredible. Just like, it's just a Chupacabra coming out in a farmer's overalls and his hat just being like, just standing to me cabras, my sweet little cabras. But also, again, seriously,

you know, a lot of times cryptids are connected with UFO activity, right? And so it's the idea of this, this is not uncommon. We've seen this with Bigfoot very often. The idea is that where you see a cryptid a lot, you see UFOs because there's something about either everybody's jumping in on the lion train

or it's a really, there's a weird energy happening there. But speaking of Roosevelt Roads, it must be said that over the years quite a few servicemen reported seeing UFOs in and around Puerto Rico and it may not be a coincidence that San Juan Puerto Rico is the location of the southernmost tip of the Bermuda Triangle.

No! Wow. Also, Puerto Rico is one of the capitals of the phenomenon of the unidentified submerged objects. There's a lot of sea UFOs there. Absolutely. Those are the ones we want to meet. Yeah.

And is it a coincidence that in 1997, when the chupacabra craze was hitting a fever pitch in Puerto Rico, in fact, the chupacabra thing was so huge, Carly was telling me about it, they had stuffed animals, they even had like a chupacabra cartoon that was quite popular at the time.

It's a good mascot. It's a great mascot. Yeah. But is it a coincidence that in 1997, the state director of MUFON in Puerto Rico was arrested for running an illegal shooting gallery and owning a multitude of extremely illegal unregistered AK-47s?

Fuck yeah! Oh man, was he just an idiot with too many guns? Or was he getting close to something? All right, certainly was that some form of drug dealer hedging and literally hiding his guns under the umbrella corporation of MUFON and abusing that. Absolutely not.

But these MUFON guys in Puerto Rico were taken that shit seriously. I love it. If I met Stanton Friedman, if Stanton Friedman is not carrying a gun on him, at all times, he doesn't really believe. You got it. If it comes down to,

if you really think that the governments involved and the governments trying to like is going to literally shut you down for your investigations of the UFOs, you better be fucking packing because our government, we have swarm robots to kill everybody. Yeah.

You need to go and talk to Congress about your Second Amendment rights to shoot aliens or anyone who you think might be an alien on site. You need to let them know that you should be strapped at all times. That guy's chewing gum funny. Yes.

You are going to end up, there's a great documentary on Netflix. Marcus watched it last night. The Curse of the Man Who Sees UFOs. It's fantastic. And he was talking about submerged UFOs as well. He was looking at, I forget what... Monterey, California.

Yes, he's like, they're all down there. And he was crazy, but a wonderful person, but I don't know if I want him to be armed. I don't know if he was crazy. No, he wasn't. Well, he's crazy in his own unique fun way. We always talk about this.

It's the chicken and the egg scenario. Does seeing UFOs make you crazy or are you crazy because you're seeing UFOs? He had been seeing UFOs since he was a kid. He said his first encounter was a glowing ambulance showed up at his house and then a creature that looked like Bullwinkle came up and climbed up to his window

and told him not to be afraid. This is what I'm talking about. This shit happens all the time. It's like the same thing with Ed Walters seeing the dogs, right? Or it's a weirdly psychedelic experience. It's a trippy thing. And he said when he woke up,

his brother was screaming and covering the window with cover diapers. See? That's right. Like a prisoner in solitary. But some of that footage, Henry, you have to see it because that footage is unbelievable.

If you haven't seen that doc, check it out. It's really fun. I mean, at the very least, it's like secret government. It's cool stuff. Air Force stuff going on. Yeah, the curse of the men who saw UFOs. It's fucking great. All he knows.

I really, really loved it. I'm getting a gun to protect me and my family from aliens. Well, I think that's your second amendment, right? You should do that. Big one. Just go shoot at the sky every night. Well, that was another UFO sighting in Puerto Rico

that resulted in an actual encounter for one woman named Rosario. She told Nick Redfern that she was picking plantains at the foot of El Yunque when she suddenly heard a deep hum coming from above. She looked up to see a black, triangular object about 30 feet in length, hovering 100 feet above her. A pencil-thin beam of light shot out,

expanded, and covered Rosario in a pink glow. Her mind was then hit with a deluge of images of nuclear destruction and environmental collapse before they came to a stop on the face of a gray who looked a hell of a lot like the alien on the cover of Communion, which Rosario said she was inexplicably drawn to read after the incident. I mean, just bad trip.

Yeah, it could be. But also, Philip K. Dick had the same exact experience. I mean, he ended up dying of a brain aneurysm two years later, so they don't know if it was connected. But he said he had the same thing, a beam of light from an entity called Valus shot him at the head and gave him the information, essentially, that time is not real.

He saw himself in the Roman times. And then he spent the rest of his life, the next two years, breaking it down in one of the most insane diaries that's ever existed, which I have a copy of, and it's a lot. Well, I watched that movie Doctor Strange, and that was a lot. It is.

Entertaining go. Because you know what it is about Benedict Cumberbatch? He's kind of a jerk, but he's lovable. That's his name, Benedict Cumberbatch? Yes, I hate him. I'm done with him. I don't follow the actor's names. I like the characters they play.

I don't like the actors. Now, the light. Then, after she got all the images and after the communion alien came up, the light suddenly retracted, and the craft rose into the sky, moving deeper into the rainforest. Three days later, just a couple hundred feet

from the plantain-picking spot where Rosario saw the UFO, two girls saw a spike-back chupacabra, which stood up on two feet and stared at them for a few moments before trotting away on all fours into the forest. And they were spitting at me, saying, I'm not spitting, I'm not spitting. I'm not spitting.

The thing is, I'm still like way hungry. It's like I didn't get any nutrients from it. What am I doing wrong? You said you sucked its butt? Oh, yeah, like Gogart. Gogart, brown Gogart. They squeeze him like toothpaste. Did you miss the meaning we suck its neck?

Oh, I didn't know that. You were not spitting it. I was spitting it. I was spitting it. I was spitting it. I was spitting it. I was spitting it. I was spitting it.

Oh fuck. How much shit do I have to be eating all the time? At least 3-4 times a week. I killed a whole farm of these fucking cabras yesterday. I am chock-full of shit. I'm like some kind of diaper. Well you are a poopy chupacabra. Years later one unlucky farmer who had a run-in with the chupacabra also got a visit from a couple of bonafide men in black. Now one night the farmer had heard the sound of screaming pigs coming from his yard. The farmer ran outside with a machete and a flashlight so he could defend his flock, but when he got there he found his yard scattered with dead rabbits, his prize pig lying in a pool of blood beside them.

No, not Enrique Piglesius! Oh, that's- Enrique Piglesius was such a great pig. Oh, I love pigs. Such natural charm. Total natural charm. Smarter than dogs. The farmer heard a growl from behind, turned through his machete into the darkness and heard a sound like metal hitting metal. So not exactly a survivor.

Exactly what I would do. Whatever it was, growled and ran away, and the next morning the farmer was visited by a man and a woman in black suits. The farmer took them out to the yard and explained what had happened, and after listening for a while, the people in black, hereafter known as PIVs. Thank you. Not men in black. I know, I already can see Hollywood writing up a movie. What if we call it men in black and then we put W.O. in lipstick in front of men. We say women in black.

And then we have one black woman and one white woman. Greg, I'm loosening your pitch so I can see number one. You're fired, but guess what? You're rehired because I just wanted to hire the man that came up with that idea. Wow, wow, women in black. Wow. After the PIVs talked to the farmer, they turned around and vanished into the forest with the farmer's machete in hand, and he never saw or heard from them or the creature ever again. Still the first on the way to a bachelorette party. They stole his machete.

It's not like they got back into a car and drove off. They just walked into the forest. Alright, well, see ya. It's gotta be that, honestly, that's incredibly strange. Two people in suits just show up. You're like, huh, nice machete. Well, we better take this to the lab or something. What was that? It's gotta get on out of here. So, oh man, there's so many leaves.

It's a very thick forest. Is that a chupacabra? Whoa! Now, there were other events in which a chupacabra attacked more than just a pig go to chicken. The most notable is the case of the Mocha Vampire. And the attacks started on that one with farm animals. But in March of that year, a woman was viciously attacked by a creature covered in feathers. Sounds kind of funny.

I just asked, whoa, that was covered with seagulls. Later that month, another woman set a huge winged monster, landed on her roof, and started screaming before flying away. And a couple of days later, a rancher found more than 30 of his chickens had been slaughtered. And over that two-week period, around 90 animals were killed. While the legend of the chupacabra had not yet been created, rumors were abound that the attacks were actually the product of a cultus. Actually, some people say that the animal victims of the chupacabra are really victims of santeros,

or those who practice santeria. We had the same problem in Queen's neighborhood. It's not a new problem, it's just a difference between people being ignorant. But a lot of Haitians moved into my Queen's neighborhood where I was growing up, and they would do rituals all the time. So it's like literally there would be dead chickens everywhere and all that stuff, and the cops would just arrest them on animal cruelty. Because I guess you'd need a license.

Yeah, but meanwhile the cops are eating a pulled pork sandwich on like a chicken bun. Yeah, the cops are just ruthlessly beating people in the street. Well, there's actually a huge case, and I think 92 or 93 down in Miami, where a church that was full of santeros, they were doing santeria, they were barred from having their church there because the town didn't want them there slaughtering chickens all day. And the case actually went all the way up to the Supreme Court, and they found that they were allowed to sacrifice animals in the pursuit of their religion. Yeah, I mean these people are all eating bratwurst, which is just like family members.

You know, it's just every animal, you know, when their family members ground up into one, I think there's a lot of hypocrisy with all that. Yeah, you could go and just, you eat veal three times a week, and you're literally just eating like we just made its body so soft. Yeah. By making sure its bones can't move. It was the same thing they did with the Hmong population in Wisconsin. They just peel chickens and cook them in their backyard,

and it's like, you're supposed to go to KFC for chicken. You shouldn't make it in your backyard. Yeah, and here in New York City, there's still that weird thing that the Heseads do, where they put all their sins into the chicken, and then they kill it. They have a lot of weird stuff going on in the community. Yeah, and they do it out in the street. Yeah, the Hasidic community here in Brooklyn is very strange. It's the largest in the world.

They're strange. They've given them a lot of money in rent, so hopefully they have bought a lot of chickens with that money. Actually, in the case of the Chupacabra, there have been people arrested for Santeria and for going and killing people's chickens that weren't theirs, and the perps told police that they had chosen areas where Chupacabra attacks were known to happen, and the Santeros had purposely spread rumors of Chupacabras being out and about to cover their tracks. So they used the Zodiac method. Where you just put murders into a thing that's already happening into a phenomenon,

so it could just be a part of the big umbrella phenomenon. Now, this may be a fairly simple explanation for what the Chupacabra actually is, but there are other fairly sort of reasonable explanations out there. Let's start with the monkey theory. Yay! Puerto Rico is home to the Caribbean Primate Research Center. The CPRC is located not on the mainland itself, but on the nearby island of Cayo Santiago, aka Isla de los Monos, aka Monkey Island!

Oh my God, I wanna go to Monkey Island! Daddy, can I go to Monkey Island? Daddy, I wanna go to Monkey Island! Experiments on Monkey Island have gone on since the 30s, when a group of rhesus monkeys were shipped there from India. Today, almost a thousand rhesus monkeys cover the island and live out in the open. Which started accidentally, because two dozen rhesus monkeys just got out. They're clever, and they just got out of the research facility, and now they just live on the island, and now there's monkeys all over Puerto Rico,

because somehow the monkeys figured out you could just float on trash and get to the island. And I bet you one doesn't wear any clothes like Richard Hatch from Survivor Season 1. Now, while we know for a fact that monkeys were subjected to HIV experiments on Monkey Island, locals suggest that this isn't the only monkey experimentation going down on the island of enchantment. Do you mean they're giving them a bunch of party drugs? Yeah, and then one person killed somebody, and they called him a party monster, and the whole thing went downhill. Take as evidence the testimony of a woman named Guanina.

In 1987, Guanina was walking through the hills around Mocha, where our previous vampire attack had occurred 12 years earlier. She heard the sounds of a pig in distress, and ran to the top of the hill to see no less than seven monkeys attacking the pig. Oh, I thought the pig was going to be working on a Suduko he couldn't understand, or the New York Times Sunday crossword. No, monkeys see monkey do, and they see a bunch of farmers beating the pigs if they learn fast. Or pig.

Now, Guanina shouted the monkeys away, who screamed right back at her before running off into the woods, leaving the pig shaken, but relatively okay. Good. Pig came out. The pig was immediately murdered for food. Yeah, but it was. Yes, but at least he had a few more minutes of life.

They were just trying to ride him and have fallen to tiny feet. That is true. This is odd behavior for rhesus monkeys, who usually stick to just eating fruit or cereal or grains, or you know, simple stuff like that. Like tricks? Like, cereal in the... I don't know what you mean.

Zoological term. I don't even, I cannot... It's what the book said. The book said cereal. I think they do eat cereal. I had some rhesus puffs the other day. They should be eating that. Well, the rhesus monkeys.

So why don't they eat rhesus puffs? So different. I don't know. I'm just spitballing here. No, what would cause these monkeys to be so aggressive? Well, that brings us back to Roosevelt Road's naval base. Some say that they were performing experiments in underground bunkers on monkeys

to turn them into homicide killing machines for use on the battlefield. Kind of rage virus like the one that was in 28 days later. Now these monkeys could have escaped the underground facility or have possibly been turned loose, and hence, chupacabra. This is the thing, though. I just took a picture of a rhesus monkey.

They're small. That means that sometimes the chupacabras are small. Sometimes they were large. Yeah, I'm not saying the chupacabra thing. I'm talking about the super soldier thing. Why would you want the super soldiers to be a bunch of tiny... That's like that stupid Reddit question. Would you rather fight the goat-sized chicken

or the bunch of something... Horse-sized chicken or a chicken-sized... Some dumb shit. Yeah, yeah. I think that's a very tough question. I'd rather fight a thousand little horses. I would like to see you fight a thousand little horses. I'd also like to see how the footage of you stomping

a bunch of tiny horses and how they would ruin your future political campaigns. Oh, that's been ruined a long time ago. You know what I would do? I would sit down on a rock and read a book, and hopefully it works. I'm just saying... And they just sit next to me.

You just make the bigger monkeys the super soldiers. Yeah, of course, yeah. You got to start with the smaller monkeys, and then you move on to chimpanzees. That's a weird backwards theory. That's not backwards theory at all. You start with the smaller ones, and then you work your way up.

That makes sense. You start with the dumber ones and work to the smarter ones. Well, they're still white. Well, the chimps are the smartest ones. The bonobos are the horniest. And why are you equating size with intelligence? There's a lot of very intelligent, tall people,

and a lot of very dumb, small ones. I don't know. In my estimation, the smallest are always the smartest. You're not. Well, if we're talking about injecting viruses into animals, that brings us to our next possibility,

the thylacine conspiracy. Ooh. This is so cool. Is this the one where Matt Damon plays the Chinese guy? Oh, yeah, but then he loves the environment, so it doesn't matter that they ruined it during filming that movie. Now, this story comes courtesy of a mysterious contact

who got ahold of Nick Redfern after seeing him talk about chupacabras on TV. The man went only as Ed and sent emails from an encrypted address. He had a theory very similar to the monkey hypothesis, but this one was even more bizarre. Ed said that he worked at the Dugway Proving Ground, which is a top-secret army facility outside Salt Lake City

that has been testing biological and chemical weapons for the U.S. government since 1942. Redfern described it as kind of like an Area 51 for biological weapons. Cool. It's the Dugway... Dugway Proving Ground. Top-secret? Yeah, but then we know its name.

Well, we know Area 51. Well, now we do. Before we didn't, but they now officially acknowledged it. There's some real top-secret stuff out there. We don't know where it is because it's top-secret. That's true, but the reason why we know about Dugways because they were responsible for the infamous Skull Valley sheepkill in which they allegedly accidentally

released the nerve agent VX from an F-4 jet into the valley and killed 6,000 sheep back in 1960. There was no way they were just testing that out in the public. The government would never do that. See, I know, when we took off the plane, we had like something in the back. Oh, tubs and tubs and tubs of virus. Yeah, well, other way, that's all gone now.

This is the nerve agent VX. It was the same stuff that they tested on some of the Edgewood kids. Oh, horrible. Yeah, and actually, this is one of the things that started to turn the public on the government during Vietnam where they saw that, oh, shit, we're using chemicals, huh? That killed 6,000 sheep, huh? Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

It seems like it would be a weird thing to control. Like, if you just sprayed a bunch of chemical agent out into a bunch of people, then it would like seep everywhere or hurt the environment. No, no, Agent Orange knows politics and it knows who it's fighting for. And guess where they tested Agent Orange? Uh-oh.

Super Agent Orange tested in Puerto Rico. Okay, there we go. And my uncle got sprayed with Agent Orange and it hurt his family. It did, yeah. Now, Ed claimed that back in the 80s, Dugway was performing experiments of the psycho monkey variety using the DNA of an Australian dog called the thylacine

that had been extinct since the 30s. The thylacine had the head of a wolf, a striped body like a tiger, a backwards-facing pouch like a wombat, and a heavy, stiff tail. It could walk on all fours like a dog or it could get on its hind legs and awkwardly hop around like a kangaroo.

But most importantly, the thylacine had immense, powerful jaws that could open to almost 180 degrees. Perfect for chewing up commies on the open battlefield should it come to that. And it will. But it's very interesting because now, I mean, we know for a fact that Russia went very deep into animal experimentation.

He wanted monkey super soldiers as well, Stalin did. And so it's not entirely outside of logic that they would try to use a dog and make it into a super soldier. I would take a dog, you know, super soldier versus robots any day. It's more adorable and we can control them. They will be literally just mowed to death

by the treads of the many robots. Oh, yeah, the robot war has begun and if you don't think it has, your head is in the sand, my friend. Yes, sir. It's dangerous. And of course, Ed said, the place that the government decided

to test out these super dogs, Puerto Rico. As to the similarities between the thylacine and the chupacabra, the chupa was reported to go from four legs to two on more than one occasion. And concerning the spikes, Ed said it was possible that people

were confusing the tiger-like stripes on the thylacine's back for spiny protrusions as the chupacabra was often seen in low-light conditions. Now, the thylacines, as far as the army using them is concerned, proved to be too difficult to control and the program was abandoned around 1997.

And since rounding up the creatures might cause a bit of a stink, the military decided to let them run free on the island to either die or thrive. I think that's very smart. You take a bunch of genetically modified vicious dogs and just let them, they'll find a way.

Life finds a way. They'll start building homes and they'll make jobs, you know, and that's the idea is that they only add to the infrastructure of Puerto Rico. Full-proof plan. We got little dog mailmen instead of the dog, instead of the mailmen getting worried about being bitten by dogs,

the people have to start getting worried about being bit by the mailman. Oh, absolutely. Those dogs come home after working and delivering mail in the rain full of bite marks from delivery, from former UPS workers. Now, as far as who Ed the contact actually was, Redfern had a friend trace his encrypted email

which is sent from a SafeMail.net account. They found that the emails had actually come from two locations, Maryland, home of the NSA, and Langley, Virginia, home of the CIA. There wasn't just no way this isn't true. Now, zoologically speaking,

there is one other explanation for the chupacabra. It could be a big-ass bat. It's gotta be a big-ass bat. Out of all this shit, it could be just a big-ass bat thing? No, a woman named Ann recalled that in 1975, a series of dead dogs were found in her area of Puerto Rico,

each dog missing all of its bones, including the skull. So it's just the skin was there. Just the skin and organs of the dog. Which is the opposite. Normally you want the organs as an animal. Normally. Because you wouldn't need the bones

unless you were a fucking serial killer bat. Well, yeah, muddle it down for maybe a powder or something. Now, in August of that year, Anna was driving along one of El Yunque's twisting mountain roads when suddenly out of the trees came a five-foot-tall bat-like creature

with its wings folded behind its back. Out of its mouth stuck two huge fangs, and it walked on muscular legs. Its blazing red eyes focused on Anna for 10 to 20 seconds before the creature unfurled 15-foot-long wings and took to the skies. Hey, what's going on, girl? You hear me now?

Tell me, would you think I'm more of a Clooney or a Val Kilmer? That's a funny little Batman joke. I gotta go anyway. I got a bunch of goats, I gotta suck. Aw, I thought he was a Val Kilmer. Val Kilmer now. I love current Val Kilmer.

You wanna go on Twitter? No. All he does is talk about weird parties he used to have with rock stars. One time he said he tickled Lou Reed. I don't even wanna know what that means. Another woman named Rosa said she was out drinking with a few friends of hers in Old San Juan,

which is a social district in the capital. Although none could explain why they felt the urge, all of those women that were drinking together suddenly had an overwhelming desire to visit El Yunque, which is about a 45-minute drive away. They were going to the clam slapping get-together. Oh, yeah.

Now, once they got there, driving down the same twisting roads, they also saw a creature. This one, though, was about four and a half feet tall, and it walked across the road in a shambling, penguin-like scuttle, unlike the other Bat who had a very muscular stride.

The wings of this creature were also different, as they were so long they dragged the ground, but both had the same glowing red eyes. As Rosa and her friends watched, the creature continued its bobble across the road, it stopped and stared at him, and then disappeared into the forest. It could be an old one,

an old Chewbacabra. Maybe. It could be a nerdy one. It could be. Yeah, it could be a cop and a trench coat pulling them over for drinking and driving. Maybe like the Burgess Meredith of Chewbacabras.

Possible. Yeah, the other one was all tall and muscular, with taut wings and muscular legs. This one just kind of bumbled about side by side with long, droopy wings. And he didn't even take off. He just stared at him and then continued on his way. Literally, if they find a skinny, muscular, tinier one,

it's all three of us in Chewbacabra form. The third giant bat sighting came in the mid-90s when the people of the Guanuka Canal reported attacks on not just animals, but humans. That creature supposedly made its home in the old abandoned sugar mill, but it disappeared after only a short reign of terror.

Now, all this suggests is that the Chewbacabra could be some of heretofore undocumented bat as Puerto Rico has just as many shitty bats as friendly dogs. Bats are both, they really do help the environment, but they are hard on communities, because they are like, they are flying rodents. They are literally out there. They normally keep themselves, they're surprisingly clean,

but their shit gets everywhere, and it's also highly flammable. Guano. Guano, I learned that from Ace Ventura, and bugs love it. They love it. There's a whole ecosystem based in their own dookies. They're good for the environment.

They are. That's the most terrifying part of planet Earth, is the gigantic mountain of cockroaches on the batshit mountain. That is hell on Earth. That is a nightmare. But this makes a lot of sense. No footprints, the bats fly in,

and then they just fly right out. I can see this theory working out. But vampire bats are really small. Look at this. Well, just one single cave in Puerto Rico is home to hundreds of thousands of bats, 75% of which are Jamaican long tongues, while the rest are either city mustache bats

or ghost faces. City mustache bats? Sooty. Like sooty. Like soot. Little gray mustaches. Little gray mustaches. Or they got the ghost face.

You're with their ghost face. Well, the ghost face are the rappers, and then the little mustache people are his accountant. Yeah. I did a report in first grade on bats. How'd it go? I am a charmer. Was it vampire bats?

I did vampire bats. I did fruit bats. I was really obsessed with this bat biologist named Merlin Tuttle. Ooh. Merlin Tuttle? Do tell. Yeah.

Well, Puerto Rico, Merlin Tuttle? Yes. It's a cargo shorts. I'm certain that he kept the cargo short entire industry a lot. Well, you can put a lot of bats in the pockets. Puerto Rico is in fact home to a gigantic system of over 200 caves comprising of 11 miles of caverns.

And much of that is totally unexplored. And maybe not so coincidentally, those caves are also closed off to the public. Also, if you look at Loch Ness, Loch Ness, the whole bottom, it's a weird intricate series of caves. You look at where Bigfoot is up in those weird and the mountain areas.

It's all these kind of weird unexplored nooks and crannies of the mountains and forest areas. So if there is a weird creature hiding somewhere, it could possibly be underground in one of these caves. Could be. And there are indeed bats that suck blood, specifically the vampire bat. But the largest bat we know of,

I think it's called the Golden Crown Flying Fox. It has a wingspan of only about five feet, and its body is nowhere near the size of a full grown man. So we're talking about something that would have to go to some pretty hardcore evolution. But you ever see skydivers when they all skydive together and they form a one? Yeah.

Maybe the bats did that. Become like a swarm? It's like a Voltron bat? Could be. Could be. Let's think about that. But vampire bats give little licks. They bite the toe normally or the heel of an animal and they go like...

Like the tickle it? And they only like a little bit of blood because they got tiny little mouths and tiny bellies. That is true. And they usually only kill things because they give them rabies. Yes. Because normally they want to keep the... It's interesting because saliva has a natural coagulant

and so they want to keep the creature that they're eating alive so they can keep coming back to the same cow or goat. Ooh, that's very hellacious. Oh, it's terrible. Yes. But even though there are no vampire bats in Puerto Rico, that's not to say there aren't any possible vampires. In the mid-60s, a MUFON member who worked at Arecibo Observatory

said he spoke to a guard who said he saw a man dressed in a long black cloak skulking around the observatory grounds. Now the MUFONer didn't give it much thought until two days later when a cow was found nearby, dead and drained of all its blood. Interesting. I just feel like the MUFON guy first was sad because he had to finally put away his cloak and his hat because he was having a fun time playing outside vampire

and then the whole cow thing like ruined his buzz. It was like, ah, fuck. Yeah. Well, a cow, a heck of a lot harder to kill than a chicken. Much harder to kill. And much harder to drain of blood. Yeah, you really got to choke it for a long time. Oh, yeah.

As fantastical as all this sounds, none of it compares to our final theory, which strangely, I think, might be the one, Henry, that you are most likely to get behind. Hmm. That theory states that the chupacabra is, in fact, a bigfoot. Yeah. And vice versa. Yeah.

Get with the program. You fucking idiot. OK, I'm just going to say bigfoot. They give footprints, and there's no footprints involved here in any of these stories. Well, I mean, you're being racist. That's not racist. You're racist.

If anything, you're going to be foot-sized. Yes. Bigfoot is chupacabra. Chupacabra is bigfoot. This is not a Finkel-Einhorn. This is not another Ace Ventura reference. OK. Racist.

No, that wasn't... No, there have been no less than 20 reported bigfoot sightings in Puerto Rico from the mid-70s to recent day with the indigenous people of Puerto Rico even having a bigfoot legend all of their own. The two chupa-related sightings, though, occur in 1977 and 1983, respectively. In both of these stories, witnesses said they encountered

an extremely tall, hair-covered, man-like creature dropped to all fours when he noticed people were looking at him and he began to change. Ooh. Like, change clothes or... Like how you change as a person. Oh, yeah, all the time, every day. The creature shrunk to a chupacabra size.

Its limbs took on the shape of a dog and from out of its back sprouted the tail-tail spikes. The creature both times snarled at the witnesses and bound it off into the jungle. It's awesome. Yeah. It's a meat-based transformer. Yeah, it's very werewolf-esque, I suppose.

It's very werewolf-esque, absolutely. And a lot of people, if you come to our live show, we'll talk a little bit more about the chupacabra werewolf shapeshifter, coyote legend connection. We may even talk about it a little too much. Yeah, I just feel like... Well, I don't know. Okay, I just feel like we're lumping them all in together here.

Well, maybe they've always been all the same thing. Maybe the idea that our reality, number one, is thin, so maybe those kinds of things are, they're purposefully meant to see them and understand them to know and to learn the fact that reality is thin. Hey, Marcus, I have a funny joke. What's that? You know what's not?

Your reality isn't thin? Alright. Henry. Were you guys saying... Why are you guys laughing? Why are you guys laughing? Did you make a joke, man? You must joke about his weight.

No! No, no, no. We were just talking inside baseball. I remain forever secured. One witness who saw the Bigfoot shape shift said that soon after the encounter, she had an experience that sounded like it could be compared to a bad trip.

She said for about 15 minutes, the world became distorted in the area she was in and was very familiar with, suddenly looked different, but still somewhat the same like a dream. She was extremely familiar with the area, but she said she suddenly felt lost. Nothing really made sense. Red Fern points out in Chupacabra Roadtrip

that this is extremely similar to what is reported to happen in England with the famed Willowwisp in which people are led by a pisky to their doom. See? They said that. The English are hilarious. They really are. It's cute.

And the thing is that in the end, it's like people are led by pisky to their doom. It could just definitely be whiskey. It tastes like piss. That could be. And most of the time, it does lead you to your doom. That's sort of an Evan Williams or something. This also jives with the stories of Pixies and Brownies

who were known to shapeshift from time to time. And it also works into the possibility that cryptids, their reality is very thin. Our reality is very thin. It all kind of blends in together in some odd, strange way. But whatever the Chupacabra is, well, I'll likely never know for sure. Oh, my goodness.

Wow. It's more like what it isn't. You know what I mean? I know what you mean. What isn't it? Well, it's not a lover of chickens. That's for sure. It is a lover of chickens.

Yeah, it loves chickens. Yeah. Sometimes you love something so much, you kill it and suck all of its blood. I guess so. And for our vegan vegetarian listeners, I want to apologize for the whole episode. We love chickens.

As a matter of fact, when I was in middle school, I got a rooster down. I've told the story of the rooster many times. Yes, yes. So I have a connection to the rooster and the chicken. I feel that certain animals were bred for eating. And they're made dumber for that purpose. They don't know that they have a fate.

They don't know where they are. They're essentially like little machines made out of delicious meat. And I know that it's difficult for everyone to see that. Well, that's why I'm in the rare camp of pro-genetically modified KFC chickens because they bred the brain right out of them. Yeah.

Just making lumps of meat. There it is. I like that. But you know, when you cut grass, that smell, that's the grass crying. I've talked about that too. It's not. Why is not?

I read that. This is the second time in two days you brought this up. It was a meme. It was a meme. Was it a humorous meme? No. They say that it's the sound of their suffering. It's the smell of their suffering that they can bear aware,

which is also like, well, think about this. If grass is aware, that's like a prison. They should be longing for suicide. Yeah. Well, they just get, yeah. But then maybe there's a little grass troupe of cobra. I'm going to go around and look at every blade, see if there's a little two holes in it.

I don't know which one of us is going to turn into a shirtless person on the side of the highway first. Wow. Just in different cities. I'm going to go to Monterey, California. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to pick somewhere dumb like Iowa.

Yeah. That's a good dumb place. Des Moines. Yeah. Be a Des Moines guy. Well, just you're outside all the time shirtless. So be cold. I'm going to Paris, France.

Oh, we can go anywhere in the world. I didn't know that. I'm going to go to San Juan Puerto Rico. Land of Enchantment. Back to your roots. Argentina for me. Honestly, this has made the Chubacabra a lot more fun and interesting for me.

Like I like the Puerto Rican Chubacabra. When you're going down that world of, you know, of course I love the idea of the combination theory that they are like weird psychedelic creatures. Puerto Rico is, I mean, it's a really cool place and it does have a very strange feel to it because I'd spent a ton of time in a El Yunque forest where a lot of these sightings happen.

We climbed to the top of the mountain. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. But you do get a sense of like, shit, there could be something out here. There could be some things in this forest that nobody has ever reached, that nobody has ever seen before. And it's an eerie feeling, but it's really beautiful, especially once you get on top.

And you were literally in the clouds. It was like being in another world. I could absolutely see something weird happening out there. And to this day, the people of that town talk about the Chupacabra on top of the mountain. And they say he was there. And would you believe he had a girlfriend? A human girlfriend.

I don't have a girlfriend. All right, thanks so much for listening to the Puerto Rican Chupacabra episode. Such fun stuff. Marcus, what do you want to tell everybody? Be sure to go to cavecomedyradio.com slash live for tickets to our upcoming live shows. We can't wait to come to St. Paul, St. Louis, Ithaca,

Salt Lake City, and San Francisco, and in Salt Lake City, we're going to be actually at the Fan X Comic Con. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to be there for two days. I want to grab it, Stan Lee. We're supposed to be in a room with Stan Lee. He is very old.

Yeah, I'm going to grab at him and be like, I'm the thing, I'm the thing, clobbering time. I'm going to go find Jonathan Reese Davies and talk to him about sliders. Ask him how his face is. I want to ask him if Jerry O'Connell is nice and if his brother is nicer. Oh, that'll be fun.

All right. Yes. So that'll be super exciting. Thank you so much for donating to the Patreon page. Absolutely. That's been awesome and life changing for us. We really appreciate it. If you donate to our Patreon page,

even just a dollar, you get advance ticket sales, which means you will get advance ticket sales to our upcoming Texas tour that is coming in April. We are just a tiny, tiny, tiny little bit away from being able to announce the dates and the cities on that. Of course, I mean, the cities we can announce, we call us in Austin, but we can't announce

the dates just yet. Know that it is going to be in April and if you are a Patreon supporter at patreon.com slash last podcast on the left, you get advance ticket sales because all of these shows will absolutely sell out. And we thank everybody that has given to our Patreon so far.

You guys are really changing our lives here. Absolutely. And thank you so much for supporting all the shows here on CCR. Marcus, you're doing a great job. Abling is top half for everything political that you need. It's fun, lighthearted, and it helps

make sense of this mayhem round table of gentlemen, which makes sense of nothing. Which is a perfect case. It actually hurts the conversation, but it's great. Yes, it's just fun. Page seven for everything you want to hear about entertainment needs, sex and other human activities. If you want to hear Marcus talk about his wonker

and mental health. And mental health. I haven't talked about my wonker in a while. He does. He throws it in there. There's a couple of wonker mentions here and there. Also in Salt Lake City, I'm really excited because we'll be doing a panel so you can come

and talk at our faces. Also in Austin, I can't wait to go to Salt Lake Barbecue. I just keep thinking about it. It's great. Oh man, oh man. You're way off top. So follow us on Twitter.

I'm at Henry Loves You at Marcus Parks at Ben Kissel. Follow me on Instagram at Dr. Fantasty. Ben Kissel won. And at Marcus Parks. And follow last podcast left on all of the bullshits at LP on the left.

And follow me on Spotify. I try to release a new playlist every week. Also watch last stream on the left. We'll be doing it again at 9 p.m. this Friday. If I write a name, write a name in you. Hail yourselves, everybody. Hail Satan.

Hail Gean. Go get some shirts at cavecomingradiomerch.com. Hail me. Buy the shirts. Please. If you really want to do something fucking nice with your fucking life. Well.

Buy his shirts. Buy the shirts. No, that is a big help. Magus Deletion. Magus Deletion. Magus Deletion. Magus Deletion. All right, time for the last podcast

and the left shout out. So thank you guys so much for donating to the Patreon. Thank you for your money. Thank you for your, and for your love. Thank you for your money. I don't say I like that. Amelia Hartberg.

Thank you very much. Sarah Thompson. Cody Lemmer. Little Chive. Let's give him a fun little wrap. Or he wraps about onions. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh.

Emily. Heather Holly. Sean Archer. Amanda Schenck. Kristen Sperling. Scott Knipper. Josh Sperling. Scott Knipper.

Josh Nichols. Samantha Bridge. The Bombay Gin. Wow. Bombay Gin. I'm going to drink it from now on. Bronwyn P. Elizabeth Stites.

Casey Roy. Matthew Conrad. Matthew Ginnett. Courtney Fillmore. Katelyn Rodden. Kaley Rodden. And Dave Salvatore. Oh.

All right. Should I do one more? Do one more. All right. Let's keep it going. Fiona Grace Barnes. Charlie. Charlie.

Nobody. Oh, that's not true. I think he says Charlie. Nobody. But you're somebody. Craig Pompry. Craig Waddy. John Delea.

John Ramsey. Summer Sweet. Ty Vu. Riley Thomson. Riley Thomson. Haley Matic. Max Peters. Kailin Medeiros.

Lindsay Green. Kailin Medeiros. Kailin Medeiros. Kailin Medeiros. Kailin Medeiros. Lindsay Green. Dave Parker. Patrick Hannon.

Michael Micah. Loving. Megan Gunter. Viking Slayer. Alex Dewey. Sagan Medevick. And Jesse Savage Enberg. Now this goes out to Sarah Starly Worthington.

What's going on, girl? Debbie Campos. Megan Hyatt. Jake Roper. That's Roper. Thank God. Frank Roy. Alana Spano.

Like Jesse Spano. No. I remember she was taking speed once. I'm so excited. Chris Darling. Jennifer Kumpf. Eric Johnson. Anthony Farnsworth.

Mad City Butcher. Sounds dangerous. You shouldn't do that. Anna Sundborger. Miles DeClerk. Felicity Ellis. Lisa Gallacher. Susan Luellen.

Hey, girl. Lisa Neff. Jason Christensen. Jill Holslander. Alicia Jane McDowell. Hannah Wilson. Kell Sanders. Brunner.

Christopher Prillo. This is a plug, but it's hilarious. They did it in four different chunks. The yellow dandies are, without a doubt, the next big act in comedic bluegrass. Hey, I love comedic bluegrass. I've never heard of comedic bluegrass. I actually did not know it was a thing. But you invented it in graduations, and you're the next big thing in it.

You just keep giving that cash. Josh Green. Christina Claggett. James Crowell. Jack Beloff. Phoebe Taylor. Joshua Weber. Colin Citron.

Stephanie Turner Puleo. Hunter Geisler. Kerry McGovern. Jenny Wokka. Aaron Townsend. Megan Peterson. Lydia Green. Thank you.

I got Off the Cuffs, which is a kink thing. Matt Everman. Christopher Matthew. Robert Hilerio. Bunny. Rafael Estrada. Tyson Freeman. Mike.

Jennifer Lynn. Nicole Chastain. Grant Lone. Sam Reed. Austin Wells. Samuel F. Haney. Rich O'Keeffe. Joey Young.

Hunter Melton. Kali Manrique. Lindsay. Mandy Lovick. Kelsey Heisman. Ivan Surro. Melissa Steven Steinbacher. Jason Ellis.

La Cranmar. Olivia Hossleton. Amanda Maloney. Joshua Kraft. Emily S. Baldwin. Lindsay Karina Lovas. Brenton Macaulay. Liz Chavez.

David Vaughn. Traeger Ruder. Traeger the Ruder. Taylor Makara. Jody Timmons. Joey Bucks. And Joey Bucks again. Double Joey Bucks.

Joey Bucks. Look at that. Two times. Likes the fucks. I guess so. Ashley O'Brien. And Alyssa Hartman. I got Travis Steenstra.

Kellan Tarrett. Kim Schmidt. Peter Morrissey. I hope you're happy. Allison Grigoletto. Jacob Hedenberg. I hope you're happy. Oh, Jacob Hedenberg.

Wayne Pearl. Cole Giesman. Hannah Warren. Sean Keefe. Dexter Tunze Pressert. What? Tunze Pressert. Tunze Pressert.

Tunze Pressert it is. Dexter. Laura Bowers. Desiree. Joshua Herod. Jason. Michael Bedford. Rachel Munger.

Ryan Jett. Emily Russell. Good morning Antioch. Antioch Wisconsin perhaps. Interesting. Cyrus Hahn. Thank you so much for donating. Also, we've got Rebecca.

We've got Kath Ru. We've got Michael Dorling. Kristen King. Lily Cutter. Lily Cutter. Look at that. It's like when you're in line at Six Flags. You say Lily Cutter.

Cutter, get her out of here. You cut in line. You're thinking stabbing. Lily Cutter. Cutter. Cutter. I understand what you're going for. The baby, the child.

Okay. Katelyn Nygaard. Elise Evans. Steve Kopeski. David Zucka. Teran Studer. Alice. Christina Fosdick.

Levina Sheetz. Lane Fosdick is kind of a... It is fun. It's cute. Yeah, it's kind of cute. Levina Sheetz. Lane Hisit Bonnard. Mallory Frogael.

Alexa Shea. Sarah. Katelyn Milazo. Oh, Taylor Moon Duggan. How are you, Taylor? Yeah, we know. We know. We know.

We know. We know. We know. Taylor Moon Duggan. How are you, Taylor? Yeah, we know her. Yeah, she's very wonderful. And Natalie.

Jay Satquey. Andrew Mattingly. How did you fold the dishes earlier this morning? Mattingly. What? What are you talking about? Mattingly? All we know is that I know the baseball Mattingly.

I don't know. John Mattingly? You can just fold the dishes? Fold the dishes? Yeah. You know. You don't fold a dish. You know.

Maybe it's a plastic dish. Melissa Blizzard. Kit Zildstra. Hushy Singh. Michelle Chen. Darren Owens. Stacy. Coming to the stage.

What did you make her a strip? I'm sorry. You know what? A Broadway performer. Broadway performer. Yeah. Anna Franco. Lucas N.

Tucker Mulcahy. Mulcahy? Mulcahy. Alex Larson. Jeremy Flint. Dylan Doherty. Jeremy Andrews. Brennan Store.

Harry. Nathan Savage. Rachel Go. Have fun with your day. Oh. Alaska Harrison. How's Mrs. Harrison? Don't worry, Alaska.

Zoe Johnson. Sherry Jones. Mary Packard. Heather Sohara. Lizeth Ruiz. James Alexander. Cliff. Tiffany.

Shala Gill. Dylan DeDeer. Caitlyn Colasus. JC Crane. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. JC Crane. Olivia La Rosa. Gill M. Peters. Andrew Buker.

Kent Childress. Andrew Breazier. Cause it was like a bra. Yes. Why are you mocking this man? enem blirays. Kent Childress. Andrew Breazier.

Tei. Angel Filipea. Stéphane Schlach. Cami Robinson. Imperial Castro. Lindsay Mercer. Okay. Alyssa Sable. The Guitar Caster Podcast. Woo! Kyle Egan Slater. Caitlin Rochelle. Robert Perry. Stephen Braun. Corey Bayer. Joe Ravenson. Heather Melling. Mike McGing. Daniel Cole. Taylor Perez. Mike Thompson. Stacey Grillo. William Young. John Michael Perkins. Dan Tully. Miranda Hester. Rachel Urting. Melissa Morris.

Tony Barraza. Haley Dixon. Brianna Lacaboni. William Mayhall. Matthew Sinisi. Joel. Brittany Bennett. Kate Russell. Chrissy Deller. Lucas Wingard. Pretty sure we've done these before. But still. Eel. Double shout outs. Ian Campbell. DK. Bridget Chessire. Rich Messina. Heather Thompson. Alana Watson. And Louis Gaudet. All right. Let's keep it going. Pamela Participants. Prattie Passon. Heta McAndrew. Andrew Collins. Jennifer Rosberg. Lauren Macaroni. Claire Aquiliano. Okay. Butchered that one. I apologize. Claire Aquiliano. Let me see it. There we go. Aquiliano. Aquiliano. Aquiliano. Robert Pearson. Keith Gamblin. Randall S. Towsley. Erica. Julia Rogers. Oh, this one just says daddy. Nice to see you. Thank you. I don't actually support what you do.

Okay. Well, yeah. By their pledge. I agree with that. Sarah Boudreau. Kelly Maureen. Daniel Cutner. Blake Allen Davidson. Oh, he sounds like he should be a comedian. Bethany England. Lulu Thomas Stacy. Joey Pauline. Allen Deranglowski. Deranglowski. Yeah. Allen Deranglowski. Enika. Elizabeth Sokol. Robert Kraft. The owner of the New England Patriots. How much money did he give? It doesn't say, but it says we get Tom Brady. Just give us the money. Give us more money. Melissa Marcos. Nadine Lujan. Eric Lomora. Travis Frye. Antonio Salaris. Chloe. Damien Dimmock. Dustin Bean. Nicholas Encinius. Okay. Brian Nacostro. Nacostro. Jamie Chambers. Stephen Caruba. Allen Marshall. Raj Nair. Tim Hulskamp. Adalo Adabayo. Adalo Adabayo. Perfect. Adalo.

Adalo. Adabayo. Okay. And then I'm just going to wrap it up here for me. Well, no. Oh, no. This is good. That's all of them for me. Chris Jones. Michael White. Roy Unafjard. Taryn Studer. Michael Misfelt. Riot Hussein. Like Barack Hussein Obama. Stephanie May. James Bonnert. Stephen Bradley. Brad Simkelett. Nathaniel Osterman. Corey Roberts. Kyra Lee. Gregory Rousson. Hilary Barton. Lindsay Mansfield. Like Jane Mansfield. Beautiful woman. D-Drave. It was a beautiful place. It is. Yeah, it's nice. Can't believe they got the boobies in there. I guess you can flatten them down. She died with a car full of Chihuahuas. She did? That's amazing. Take the wheel, God. D-Dra-Lillianthal. Steph. Quentin. Christopher Ryan. And Alex Creary. Thank you so much for your

donations. I got Grady Horn. Steve K. Lindsey Duke. Gabby Gorgas. Nick Lozell. Kate McGranaghan. Sarah Quinn. Ryan Hough. Yasmine Gonzalez. Juby Fobik. Juby Fonik. That's better. Mickey Sarge. Wendy Lamont. Gretchen Mann. Caitlyn Smith. Hey, Caitlyn. She came to our Chicago show. Yeah, hey. Charles Powell. Victor Giannini. Catherine Howard. Leah Bushman. Lacey Panthake. Eric Pierce. Jessica Roy. Brad Simcollette. Corey Robinson. Ian Campbell. Bridget Cheshire. Heather Thompson. Alana Watson. Definitely doing some doubles here. Just it does, yeah. Louis Gauvall. Louis Gauvall. You know what? We're just reading what's given to us. And if you got double shout outs, hey, man. Double Magustas. Double Magustas. You will definitely be fertile.

Absolutely. Thank you guys so much for donating. We really appreciate it. Hail Satan. Y'all keep him with y'all. Be real, y'all. Be good. Be real. You be you. Hail yourselves. Hail me. And a hail game. We'll go to the next one.