Last Podcast On The Left - Episode 260: Live In Chicago

Episode Date: February 24, 2017

We're live from Chicago! Join us as we discuss Charles Manson's illnesses, the poetry of Son of Sam, Batsquatch, and the significance of the Denver Bronco's 1997 Superbowl win. Bass Walker Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

There's no place to escape to this is the last time on the left That's when the cannibalism started All right, should we start it up let's start it up. All right, welcome to the show I am a ghost in my bottom Sounds disgusting. All right, welcome to the show for what I am Ben Kinsle. That's Marcus Parks This guy. He's over there in Los Angeles. That's you. That's you Henry. Yes, you're right I uh, haven't taken my shit yet today. You know what it and you know what it kind of feels like is it feels like Like I've got a hive of bees in the back of a car

Yeah driving And I hear like a Like in the back and I'm just being like I hope I don't hit any speed humps I'm funny speed humps so that I don't disturb this hive of bees back there Which is what I'm kind of doing right now. I'm hoping that I don't express too much emotion or energy Right and then shit my fans. Well, I do like that you call them speed humps Yeah, I always feel like uh when you when you gotta go it's always the feeling of like the in-laws are coming over And uh, you know and the house isn't quite clean enough

I had a dream that I was kept in a dog cage last night. Really by a by a little African boy and an older woman. They were like serial killers. There were serial killer teams if they were lovers They were like it was very strange. It wasn't like a little boy It was just a young kid and like an older woman and then finally I tricked them and I got the key and I got out of the uh I got out of the dog cage in order to escape from like the shed I was in I had to break the old woman's arm Well, that makes sense. They did have you captive. So you are the hero here. Mm-hmm technically Um, all right so we've been going all across the country and the world doing live shows and this week's episode is uh,

The live show that we did in chicago. Absolutely. Yeah What we're doing with our new live show is uh, we're gonna be Going and touring a single show for about a month uh in cities all across the united states And then at the end of the month we get to release some of the best ones Uh for you the listener and our live show is uh both more like an episode, but it's also still really visual So there are some things that are cut out There's some things that you have to go to the live show to see But this is the majority of our live show from chicago

And uh because this was the live show from chicago if you are listening to this in your car Your car will begin to smell like alcohol. So if you are pulled over just tell the officer That is the crowd from the live show Projecting its energy into your Nissan. I would say of all of the shows and all the places we've been with I think chicago was the drunkest. Yeah, which is really remarkable for us to say. We went to glasgout Chicago's drunker than scotland They don't have fluoride in the water and the bars were full at 10 and no tv's were on and remember if you want to come and see us we got shows coming up and uh,

Ithaca, new york, salt lake city, utah and san francisco, california All of those tickets are available on cavecomedyradio.com Live and we're about to and we got a brand new show coming your way We're doing our bill burr shit This is our fucking week. We we made a bunch of material and now we fucking we burn it We fucking give it to you and now we got a jerry sign felt it all the way all the way back again Have you been watching stand-up comedy? Yeah, why?

Because I just I'm desperate grassmen of straws All right, so because this is probably our drunkest show, uh, this is a challenge to you salt lake city Yeah, step it up when we go down to utah. I want to see all the Mormons drunk Isn't it slightly dry there or no? There's not like a thing Yeah, it's like they have what is it three percent beer or something Yeah, and then all the the liquor bottled you can't order a double so you just have to get a single twice I mean it really makes no sense. No and and the pourers they're they're very they're frugal They're like, you know grandma's thumb is on them and grandpa was drinking too much during the war

And he doesn't get to enjoy his gin anymore Well, we better be ready to be real flirty and salt lake city And we will see everybody at the sold out show in st. Louis Next week and we can't wait to come to st. Paul Actually, there are still tickets to our late show at st. Paul. So yeah, just google last podcast on the left Uh, st. Paul turf club go to turf club And you can find tickets for the late show at st. Paul there We're almost sold out tickets for the second show still open a couple of my all my friends who I said were on the comp list

You're off Buy the tickets. Are you kidding me? No, this is I've got so many emails for your apology tour This is the apology to make up all the shit that you've done The apology tour is off. You're buying tickets. Yeah, remember everybody whose couch you accidentally set on fire gets in free Yes, and yes, we used to throw random flammable objects at each other may Mainly just me throwing them at my friends, but whatever Get over it buy a ticket

All right, here is our uh live show from Chicago Chicago hail yourselves hail yourselves Wow, thank you guys so much fucking Chicago Oh Holy shit Wow Hale yourselves

Wow Wow Wow This is a dangerous dangerous level of energy. This is incredible hail Satan Thank you guys so much for coming Chicago Oh I want to say congratulations to you guys for that. This is very good looking because outside most people are shaped like gigantic like the head from the Cubs guy, right? They actually had not pandering. I don't understand fucking sports. I don't know that was really good, but it's like big spheres and they roll around

I just remember off, you know, of course Chris Farley and all that shit. He's here. I know that he's eating it's every day Establishments here. I've always go to the ones that used to ate at right before he fucking died and the problem is is that he died Do you fuck prostitutes specifically Heidi Hauser, which was the prostitute who killed Chris Farley by draining him too much Well, what she did was is that she drained him to death. She also just kind of let him die Well, yes, because he was like it's safe for you. Don't have I have enough money for you Before you don't have I have enough money for a day seven and then she did the thing like that joke of me and like how do you make sure to not Wake up sleeping pills if you get out of bed at night you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet She just let him deflate like a balloon but instead of air it was blood and pus from his fucking lungs

What children's tales did your mother tell you how do you not wake up sleeping pills when you walk by the medicine cabinet? It was a funny old joke who what in what household by the way down in the green room Henry shared with us that his father used to be in a Byte gang called with the the cycle path cycle path and that is true that is true and they would wear swastikas for jokes No, it's a joke. It was a joke. It was a funny joke. He told a story about how they used to go the cycle path keep in mind his father a future NYPD Well, obviously this is pre NYPD. This is pre NYPD. Yes, but so they said they would get together and it was a funny thing to do This is a Newark, New Jersey. They would drive around and there was like 30 to 40 guys in the gang at any given point and they would do Is all show up on somebody's lawn and do donuts and tear up the whole place screaming and screaming and pulling up the flowers and banging on the door We're gonna get your wife. We're gonna get your wife, right? And they laugh. They thought my dad was laughing like it's like an old story about how wonderful Christmas is

But the people inside were like David spade and PCU and Jerry Piven was like go to sleep. Go to sleep. They were horrified. They were. Yes, but at the same time one man's prank is another man's felony changing crime. Thank you guys so much again for having us Chicago. We got picked up. I got picked up from the airport today. Holy hell. Yeah. And of course coming from the airport and the cam driver. So my sister sends me a link. Apparently now what they're doing with my little nieces in a dance recitals right now. She does competitive dance. So now what they're doing is they're doing a thing where they will send a link that is a live feed to the dance recital. So in the back of the cab, I'm watching it on my phone because I said I wanted to be a part of like, you know, her competition and supporting her. And the cab driver is like, hey, where's little girl dance on the phone? And I was just like, yeah, he's like he hit the window completely down. He's wearing just like a light little jacket.

It's 30 degrees outside. Yeah. Going out of highways like it to show up on the phone like like that that just shows up on the phone. I was like, I have the link to it. Well, and it's not nor it's not erotic. No. And then of course that is why Donald Trump put in the Muslim travel ban now because he's like all the pedophiles are here. No, we're good. We're good. Eastern European. Eastern European. Yes. Isn't that nice. And then there was a song playing was an early 90s dance hit that I believe is called work. And it's like work, work and something in the back. And so finally he's like, is that your new singing? She black. And I was just like, yes, very good. Yes, very good. But in America, when a song has the word work in it, unlike North Korea, no one's working. And I think that's sad. That is sad. Absolutely. Guys, holy hell, hail your fucking cells. Hail yourselves.

By the way, this, this city, I only had a bunch of cheese curds. I had a bunch and I had a thing in a restaurant called the pork sickle, which was fucking amazing. What was it at first draft or something like that? Has anyone been there? It was so fucking good. They kicked me out of the restaurant because I was rock hard. Yeah, because you're going to guys look, I've made a flagpole running around. I'm like a park. Right. But it was not a park. Don't put a swing on it. This city is so unbelievable. And thank you guys so much for having us. Yes, of course. Absolutely. Now, normally what we do is it's like we've developed sort of like a stage show. It's kind of like a running show where it's like you have the various blood clotted man. You've got the man who collects bones and you've got, oh, Mr. Brain. He's the smartest man in the world. No, I think Mr. Brain. That's what you've named yourself.

Is that Stu? Not anymore. Did anybody watch A to Z? Very ferocious. Can we just call it A to M? Let's just call it A to M. The checks have stopped. And that makes sense. Ask the mouth, which is exactly what happened. And that's what actually was going to happen in that 14th episode between Andrew and Zelda. It was the ass, the ass from fucking Requiem for a Dream. But we've developed a kind of show here and we hope you enjoy our wares as a part of our show. And so the first thing we want to talk about is Charles Manson is still alive. Still kicking.

Alive and kind of well. He's not well at all. No. Absolutely not. Charles Manson was taken from prison. He is in the hospital right now for intestinal bleeding. Another problem is that if your intestines become the elevator from the shining, you didn't live your life right. You didn't make a lot of good choices, which we know that about him. But I'm so glad that he built. I'm so glad that he beat Mary Tyler Moore. Yeah. She is going to make it after all to the grave. She didn't, though.

Can you imagine how terrible this man is where his shit is bleeding? His shit is blood. His own shit is actually more disgusting than shit. He's an upside down vampire. He's making blood. He's like a vampire's ice cream machine. And you can imagine being a vampire and you take a big bite of the Charles Manson. You're like, I think I hit the wrong tube. It's blood shit.

The world's worst vampire plumber. But our heart goes out to him because when it comes out to when he dies, a big chapter in the American story is closed. A big, cube-covered square of the American quilt is removed. This country will not be the same. I will probably cry. I will have an emotional reaction. Well, of course.

I mean, when Manson dies, it is still a symbol of our own mortality. And we can all agree Manson is, they killed Sharon Tate. Killed Sharon Tate. Killed Sharon Tate. But I firmly believe that Manson is better than Roman Polanski, who was the person that was fucking Sharon Tate. Roman Polanski is a pedophile on the run. Manson stood up for his crimes, served his time.

I think he's better. I swear to God, Manson didn't kill anybody. I will say Roman Polanski, though, has got a fate worse than death. He is staying in a hotel in Poland. Yeah, he's been there for like 20 years. Yeah, he's forced to be in a Polish hot tub, which is what they also use to warm soup for the kitchen. Ooh, the world's biggest dumpling.

Yes. Actually, ooh, that does sound fun. But also, I mean, Roman Polanski, technically, is mostly guilty of just holding a casting couch session about nine years too early. All I think about when you said that, Henry, all I can think about is Kathy Bates from About Schmidt, just like sitting in a hot tub.

Like, you will be served soon. God, we have the same body, me and Kathy Bates. That's something fun. But so, and then we also were fine with Woody Allen because he married his daughter. You know what I mean? Because it's fine to molest your daughter as long as you marry her. The only reason Woody Allen was allowed to do that

is because no one actually thinks he has the ability to come. Because he looks like someone who would pass out. And she's just like, when you done? He's finished months ago. When you go make movie again? Yeah. I am so over Woody fucking Allen, by the way. He sucks.

Yeah, he sucks. He's bad. He made four good movies. Charles Manson is very, very ill now, but he was actually supposed to die in 2002. But he didn't. He didn't. He was supposed to die in 2002.

They didn't think he was going to make it to his 2007 parole hearing, which he was denied parole. In fact, it was the 12th time that he was denied parole. 12 times. 12 times. He's up for parole again in 2027. He might make it at 92 years young. Yeah, I think he might make it.

We can put our minds to it if we all just sit and do that. I think, I think I'm feeling better. Oh, look, I think I'm just making strawberry jam. All right. Oh, no, it's not jam. It's not better. Mr. Manson, we are really thinking about letting you lose here your 92 years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Will you do any harm to anybody if we let you out? No. We've actually got some actual footage from his 1997 parole hearing. Let's, let's see old Charlie here. Oh, my goodness. I've been carrying Linda Ding Dong across these little kicky backs on Ruby Boop.

We're up with Mother Goose flying this whole world. If down the line you were actually given a parole date, what would your plans be? I would go poof, poof, poof. Business denied parole for five years. That's cool. Okay. That's cool.

So, so courts, courts tenographer, could you please read back what Mr. Manson said, please? 1027. Mr. Charles Manson said, I believe it is skibbity bop, skibbity, skibbity bop, skibbity bop, skibbity bop, skibbity, skibbity bop, I want to fuck a snowman. Uh, stenographer, please correct that to snow person. Yeah.

I'll fuck it if it's got a dick, because it's just a carrot. You just pull that dick off and you've got yourself some lunch. Mr. Manson, you're free to go back to prison. Thank you. Thank you. But also, uh, it's, did not as lawyer at some point just being like, when they ask you, what are you going to do when you get parole? I have the answer.

No, Charlie, I want you to deny your instincts and just say, run an ice cream store. Poof. God damn it, Charlie. You're the cutest fucking cold leader I've ever met in my life since I took off Sahara, because he was also very cute. Yeah. Yeah, I've defended a lot of people.

Charlie, but you had a couple more years left in prison. Now, what are you going to do with your extra time? I mean, you're healed, you got a clean bill of health. Well, I think I'm going to become a lawyer to bats. Really? Bat law. Bat law. And absolutely, I think that's really the next step for me.

I'm going to educate myself and I'm really going to exonerate several fruit bats just because fruit bats look evil. Shouldn't mean they should be guilty of rape. Well, you know what, Mr. Manson, I think we got a case for you. And that is a perfect segue to our next segment, Bat Squat. Yeah. Now, what we've been doing, so a lot of the show, you know, we like to cover cryptids.

Right now, who here is aware of the phenomenon of cryptids? I mean, everyone listens to the show pretty much, except for the various strange people that were dragged here by your significant others. I'm really looking at one person. How many people have never listened to any of the CCR shows? Great. All right, good.

No, you haven't. The person who is front and center is not listening to anything. I'm sorry, ma'am. You haven't listened to anything? We know our show is like three doors down, meets Blink 182. Yeah. But then we also, but then sometimes Marry is a bad boy.

Marry identifies as a boy and that's fine. Now, we like to cover cryptids, right? So, they do have cryptids for those of you not in the know, the four of you. It's like something like Bigfoot or Mothman, which are some sort of, like a weird monster-like entity that sort of reverberates throughout American history. And a lot of times we try to cover them on the show,

but this is a whole section that we actually had to cut out. This is from our Flying Humanoids episode, that unfortunately had to be scuttled because of tactical difficulties, but we are bringing it to you now. This is Bad Squatch. Bad Squatch was first seen by Brian Canfield, who's an 18-year-old kid from Buckley, Washington.

Now, can I ask you a question before we start? Sure. What did Stick look like? I believe it actually looks like a bowl of Quaker oatmeal. Oh, so it's more like a base for what could have been a penis. Yeah, absolutely. It's a breeding ground for penises. I'm talking dog penis.

Like a little tuft, it kind of pops out and then like that rope unfolds. Oh, my goodness. Sort of like when... Like a probiscus. Yeah, like a Pinocchio's nose, but me out of red meat. Well, that's a good point.

Usually dogs are only aroused when they're lying. Is that true? Yeah, dogs lie. See, I... I had... My older sister's first husband had a rottweil that was like... He was always like,

going pet Jake. Going pet Jake. He likes it when you pet it. And then you go and pet... Was your older sister married to cousin Ed from Animal House? Pretty much. Pretty much.

I would rub the rottweiler and it would just sprout the worst wickedness hard on. Like I was Pamela Henderson dealing with it. Give him credit for the pun, I guess. Pamela Henderson. Wow, I think it is beneath you, but it still works. It still works.

It still works. So you aroused your sister's dog. I didn't do it like... I wasn't like... Ooh, ooh, ooh. And what were you wearing? Were you wearing a dog outfit? A negligee.

I was 15 years old with my older sister's first husband. Of course, I was wearing a see-through teddy with garters and converse shoes so I could get out of there as fast as humanly possible. Well, that seems a little bit odd. It does seem odd. That's fine.

So Bat Squatch here. He was first seen by Brian Canfield, 18-year-old kid from Buckley, Washington. Kid was driving down a deserted road one night when his truck suddenly slowed down, the lights dimmed, and a nine-foot-tall, hulking figure descended from the sky and landed right in front of him.

He said the wings were so big, they spanned the entire road. He said he was nine-foot-tall and oddly muscular. And this is the exact same story every point guard had when they drove down the lane and they met George Mirassan. Now, George Mirassan was Billy Crystal's slave from My Giant. Yes.

Because he owned a slave in that movie that was that giant man, and he would drag him around. And no one seemed to mind. No one cared. There was literally, again, I cannot be seen if I stand on this stage. That's why I gotta pull you down with a dog chain

so you're at my fucking shoulder height. No one cared that Billy Crystal owned a giant slave in My Giant and they thought it was funny and cute because he got all the toilet paper off of the top shelf so Billy Crystal could wipe his disgusting ass. Because you know his ass looks like two fucking pink races. Oh, absolutely. Right next to each other.

Yeah, and when he poops, it just looks like a big breathing heart. Weird. I don't know. I don't know. We're not recording this. We are recording this. Oh, we are recording this.

We're actively recording this. I thought you said up top we weren't recording this. No, no, no, no. I would not say that. That'd be weird. We're not recording this. We're not recording this. Well, if the tape goes missing, it was me.

Interesting. Now, with Mothman, the phenomenon I was linked to, when people saw Mothman, they viewed as a harbinger of doom. They said that when the Mothman showed up, it was before the, there was a gigantic bridge collapse and then the TNT factory exploded. A lot of fucked up shit seems like the Mothman should be a suspect.

I literally just blame it on growing up in New Jersey. Yes. Yes, because it grows there. It was West Virginia. I thought it was New Jersey. That's the Jersey Devil. That's the Jersey Devil. Get your shit together.

You're a loser for not knowing all these different fake monsters. No. Well, what did you do in high school? Yeah, you guys, you make out and you wrestled other men and that's true though. You did wrestle other men. Yeah, I did it at the same time. Interesting.

That's how I won all my matches. Oh. Yeah, it turns out if you get your opponent hard, didn't leave. They might cut out after you said it, when you get your opponent hard. And no one heard the rest of it. When you get your opponent hard.

I'm not saying my father was in the stands. He'd be like, if you got him hard, you got to marry him. You got to marry him. It's the Christian way. If you're going to be gay, you better be good at it. Yeah. But this is, so was he like that? Was Mothman a harbinger of doom?

Did he show up in specific, like spots or for specific reasons? No, Kenfield said that it was just uncomfortable. Like it just showed up. Yeah, it just landed in front of it. They just stared at each other. So I'm just like driving down the street. Just like got to get to work and go to go.

Maybe actually got to go home. I would rather go home than go to work. Hey buddy, what's going on? I know I'm like standing in all the road here, but... I guess it's kind of got to be this way for whatever reason. Brand new Toyota Corolla. I see it. It's really nice.

So like the wheels on it, I know about cars. Yeah. Well, it's actually a Dodge Ram. You fucking dumb shit. Couldn't help but maybe notice you're looking at a gigantic flying bat weightlifter. Doesn't really understand much about cars. So you ever been on Reddit?

Yeah. It's like a bulletin website where people give it up votes and down votes and it's according to a popularity. A lot of times certain like powered users kind of like, they're able to get things to the front page a lot faster because their connections and then you can promote stuff like that. It's kind of a corrupt inner system. I know Reddit, yeah.

I was reading this story about a young boy that had broken his hands and legs in an accident. And his mom would come in and notice he was of a boy becoming to a man. You are on the hood of my car. I'm just saying. Yeah. I just want to.

Apparently she would come in to wash his feet and she said that she began to notice that he was fully erect, uncomfortably so because he was like a 13 year old boy. And so in order to relieve his stress, she would go and sort of manually release him. And then that that relationship, that sort of those incidents kind of grew into a full on sexual relationship.

What if I played REM's everybody hurts? Would you just go? I'm just saying. Do you think it's bad to have sex with your mom if she's doing it for a good reason? And turn the window wipers on and it just just go. Get out of here. Do you ever feel inside your own belly button?

Is that weird feeling? Is anyone ever done it to you? I should go. Do you have any place to be? No, dude. You want to go cruise by Walmart and go play with the whole clubs? That is how I spent all of my high school years as high playing with the incredible whole clubs.

They were amazing. Henry Zabrowski. Thank you, everybody. Wow. Wow. Wow. Windy city. Windy city.

Wow. Well, I mean, it is windy and it's a good city to tune in because you can always blame it on the person behind you. That is what a great thing to have as quality to admire in a city is that it hides your farts. It's like Seattle. It's great because it's raining all the time. So you could cry openly in the street.

Absolutely. We were in Seattle. They have legalized weed. We threw a bunch of weed into the crowd. It was a great time. Henry bought a $7 Starbucks. I did. Yeah.

We got so much weed that I used weed as a tip for my morning coffee. That was really fun. Yeah. That was a fun time. We'll never get those times back. Never get them back. This is more of a cocaine city. You're not used that as a segue, Kissel.

We are recording this. Oh, this? Yes. So the Bat Squatch is not seen a lot. So basically, they have this incident and then the Bat Squatch just flew away. Yeah. He just flew away. That's it.

He was never seen again in that area of the country and has really never been seen anywhere ever. That's right, though. No, I have one more. I did have a sighting that I really liked. I forgot about this guy. And this is all reported by people who are trustworthy and non-crystal. Absolutely.

Absolutely. There is no way they're lying. These are key witnesses. There's no way they're just drinking and driving and trying to get out of a ticket. No way. This is all real. No way. Dale Roberts, he posted on the site Unexplained Mysteries.

Which, by the way, is a mystery. That's fine. I mean, it is redundant. Yes. And the counter, now this counter, he didn't see the Bat Squatch himself, but he heard a story from some hiker friends from his that saw the Bat Squatch and told him to tell everybody the story of Bat Squatch. Two Unexplained Mysteries, the website.

They were on Mount Shasta. Me and my friend were hiking around Mount Shasta and out of one of the crevices flew out this big creature. I mean, this thing was huge. It was as tall as a man, as stocky as Hulk Hogan, and had leathery wings. I believe the wingspan was at least 50 feet from one end to the other. I was holding on my camera, but I was paralyzed with fear as this thing flew by. I didn't get a picture.

Sorry, holding your fucking camera. Bat Squatch is in front of you, don't take it. What do you think this might be? Could it have been a pterodactyl? It was flying or gliding fast. It seemed to have a head of a bat. You know, thinking about it, it doesn't really have the head of a pterodactyl. I saw a picture of a pterodactyl, and the heads are not similar.

I think it had more the head of a bat or maybe even more like a fox. The damn thing finally flew into a clump of trees and vanished. I heard you guys might be going back to Mount Shasta, and if you do, please look out for this thing, because if you see it, you will piss all over yourself. I kid you not. In no way did this guy just urine out of his pants because he was too drunk and had to have an explanation for it. I saw this fucking 50-foot creature.

I know it. Yeah, I also maybe had 17 Millers. All right, let's move on now. Well, we have more cryptids to cut down. Yeah, we do. We have the blue fur creature of Petropovlovsk. This creature was seen in 1991 by the Ivanitsky family. They endured ten straight nights of an extremely loud cricket-like sound. BLEH! BLEH! BLEH! BLEH! BLEH! BLEH! BLEH! Ignored it. Ignored it will go away.

Must be something to do with the water in the room. BLEH! BLEH! BLEH! BLEH! BLEH! Ignored it? And that is the Russian alarm clock alerting the person that he's not quite drunk enough and he needs to drink more vodka. Ten nights they heard that before they finally thought to look under the bed. It's literally this gigantic noises coming from me. Russians are very good at denying things.

Oh, absolutely. They opened up the bed and out from that space ran a three-foot tall creature with large bat-like wings covered in blue fur and with a flat face that looked like it was made out of plaster in a tiny lipless mouth. Oh, it sounds like a Dick Tracy villain. It does. It sounds cute. It sounds like one of those mannequins from those funny 80s crash test dummies. That's right. They had a television show.

I thought you had to crash a car. I crashed a lot of cars. Those are called DUIs. Those are criminal offenses. Well, either way, the blue fur creature was also what they referred to as a loaf of bread in Russia because it was full of moles. It was so rare. And the creature suddenly, when they started pelting it with slippers because they were understandably scared, it grew to three feet its original size from the size of a small dog or rat to something three times that large.

And then when it grew to that size, out of its nose came a large trunk that protruded and wrapped itself around the leg of one of the family members. And that's when the kids went and grabbed all the household chemicals and started spraying with it. And that's when the thing limped over into a corner, rolled over and died. So that Russian family murdered probably a mentally handicapped person from Chernobyl. Yeah. Because they were scared.

And then the grandmother came home two hours later and was like, where's the thing that makes me come? You killed it! No, what's wonderful about it is that you slap it with a slipper and then its nose gives you an orgasm. Well, grandmother, that was your living dildo? Yes. Get with the times. It's 1987. Be groovy.

We have some bad news. So the creature after it died, the father of the family, got paranoid because he thought he had killed a state-protected creature. This is the USSR in 1991. They don't have food! No food! Family members are regularly murdered for just thinking about happiness. And they had state-protected creatures.

So the father scooped it up, took it outside and threw it in a ditch, hoping the whole thing would just go away. And when he went back out the next morning to check on the status of the body, he found that it had disappeared. Someone ate it! Thinking it was the coolest new kind of chicken. Because they had no normal chicken! Well, now that I think about it, I hope that grandmother went back and retrieved it.

And it's just like... And it's purphagina-ated like it was a boa constrictor? Oh, my God. And it was like, no! No! No! Back into the tunnel, you go. Yeah. Like a poor couple getting abducted. No! No! No, not the genital cuff.

Maybe a little bit of the genital cuff. Zero killers. Now, I want to ask about this. I want to ask this to the audience. Who here, this is genuine. Everybody understands, we hear a lot about Ted Bundy's attractive. Jeffrey Dahmer has a swimmer's body. Now, who here is attracted to son of Sam?

Or could be? Like, raise of hands. No one. So sad. Way in the back. We have two in the back. Literally two in the very, very back. Wow. And they are covered in newspapers?

That's not bad at all. He's got beautiful lips. Yes. And if you really think about it, like by Williamsburg standards, he had one room that he lived in alone with one hanging light bulb and it smelled like milk. Cool. That's cool. Yeah.

That's like punk rock. Yeah. But he did smell of milk. The thing is that wouldn't you want to look at that as some sort of fixer-upper? Because then really all you got to do is wash them once. Right. And then you've done your job. And then he understands that he gets the positive validation from that,

but no one wanted to put in the time with him. No. Because of all the murders. Oh. All of the murders. Well, David Berkowitz, he actually began his career as a criminal long before he became the 44 caliber killer from 1974 to 1977. David Berkowitz started over 1,400 fires in and around the New York City area.

We know this because he meticulously detailed every single fire in his journal where he called himself the Phantom of the Bronx. He literally kept a fire journal. And now that does sound like, it sounds like a bourgeois poem. Like it sounds like a, oh, passion. But he's not from Espana. So it literally just was the weird pseudo sexual history of a fucking serial killer. Because what we know now is that arson is a common behavior

and someone who will eventually turn into a serial killer. It's a weird sexual habit. It's kind of like, you know, peeing your pants about shame and then killing the animals you get a little bit of boner from. And I'm sorry, but also the setting fires is a sexual act. And you get sexual pleasure for it because you cause chaos. Ooh, like Ghost Rider maybe. But he himself was on fire.

He was more like Michael Jackson during that Pepsi commercial. Oh, should have worked for Coke. Yeah. So by 1976 Berkowitz starting to lose it just a little bit. This is a letter that he wrote to his father. Dear daddy, it's cold and gloomy here in New York. But that's okay. Because the weather suits my mood.

Gloomy. Daddy, the world is getting dark now. Now it's getting dark. I think it's because I've got this. I think I left this blanket over my head. I was trying to go to sleep. But now I'm afraid if I take it off, will there be a monster at the end of this book?

Oh, daddy, things are really getting dark now. Mr. Berkowitz, it's the NYPD. We've got a report of multiple... I didn't kill anybody. That's not why we're here. Oh, good. Multiple fires have been started all around the Bronx. Could I possibly help you do a glass of semi-hot milk?

It's always relaxing. What I like about having a little bit of the milk moustache is they look like a young Santa Claus. So dry in here. The heat is really kicking up in the wintertime and I can't control it. It's because of my horrible landlord. And then it cooks the dust and it dries out

all of the different passages in the back of my nose. Oh, God, it's like a desert back there. You are funny. You are funny. We are going to have to come in and just kind of hang out under your swinging light there. Yeah, you're going to interrogate me. A little bit, sir.

Let me certainly hide this Journal of Fires. Don't worry. It's like a gorgeous poem. Journal of Fires. It's about the passion that I feel when I go outside. It's a little cold outside. If I forgot my car and I got to walk down the street and I forgot my car again

because it's the best part about it. The car is that you can put the car into the back and you kind of lay it and you don't want to wear all the clothes I'm going to need throughout the day because you don't know what's going to happen if the temperature changes. Because you me, I see my chest

as soon as it gets the tiniest bit of cold outside. It looks like the turkey's done. I need to cover it with some cardigan fabric in case I don't get harassed in the street. Call the mother dog. Let me just... We will have a cup of warm milk. Oh, good.

Let me just... Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! That's right.

That's what I was thinking. He was very, very confident with what he was trying to say. I was... He was in the middle of it. He was in the middle of it. He got into a fight with the chicken. He started the fight at the age of 37. He murdered six,

he wounded seven. His entire murder spree lasted an entire year.. He wasn't good enough. He has a losing record. He has a losing record. He was, like... I don't even know how to make a football reference.

So he was caught. He was convicted. He went to prison. And sometime in the 1980s you want to get in there, you're not trying to carve off the face, you don't want to like play with the skull like it's a hand puppet like Ted Bundy, these are creative driven people. Son of Sam, which is shooting, taking pot shots, he viewed himself as sort of a romantic character.

Like he loved writing letters to the police and so that turned into a very legitimate poetry collection that he wrote that's here, it's called The Serial Killer, David Berkowitz, Son of Sam, Son of Hope. You know, he became a Christian in prison and not like a normal, not like a, it's cool to love Jesus kids kind of Christian, it was like a full on like esoteric ancient Christian, very strange. Yeah, and this is what David Berkowitz looks like now, look at that, he looks like every landlord in Queens, beautiful, beautiful guys, he looks like the guy from Bar Rescue, and

he's always catching bartenders skimming the drinks, so this actually begins a series that we've been working here on Dickhead Prison. It's called Prisoners Who Did Terrible Shit and Who Are Terrible People, Read Poems. And I put my name in the basket and I'm supposed to get ten minutes of time to do whatever it is that I want. Yes, Mr. Berkowitz, you are next up, you are welcome to read your poetry. Oh God, I'm so nervous, it's like the first time I'm really, really in thoughts out loud, you know, because it's kind of like holding in a fart.

You scream in your cell all day. All day long I'm practicing for this, my big moment. What they said is that in order to alleviate my nerves, I'm supposed to imagine everyone in the audience being completely nude. You actually can't legally do that. I cannot legally do that because of my crimes, also I've seen most of these men completely nude in the showers. That's correct.

Now I've written several poems here, now tell me who he is, a guy who's a real jerk at the office. Huh, what is the deal with those guys at the church in the office? That's the joke, that is the beginning of a joke. I could do whatever I want with the ten minutes I have. No, it has to be poetry, sir. If you want to do the joke open mic, you can sign up for the joke open mic. Well, lucky this is a perfect segue to my poem, So Long Jerk.

What is the deal? I just want to see how fast you are. That is a joke, yeah. This is a real poem. All of these are 100% real. It was like a metamorphosis when you left our offices. The place became tranquil, co-workers were thankful. Projects got done, we actually had fun.

We prayed and prayed that you'd get laid off, and off you went, unemployed and silent. Now it's back to work, minus one useless jerk. It's kind of like when Sammy was around, he was always giving people a hard time pushing them over, forcing sex upon them, and then we finally got laid off by getting a chair. You got six more minutes. It's relatable. It is relatable. It's relatable humor, it's relatable prison humor.

You guys remember that one time? We all got HIV. No, that's a joke, sir. You're going into jokes. It's a relatable joke about prison. But we don't tell jokes here, do we? No, this is about poems, this is serious poems. That's right.

I've got four minutes of poems, Mr. Burkowitz. I've got three more minutes of poems, I've got six more minutes of banter. Okay, well let's get to the poems, please. So much banter. I've got a lot of guys here. Oh, God, I've lost my place in the book of poems. Just get it done. Find the poem, any poem.

Read the poem you're on now. Read the poem now. Oh, it's just specific, I need to get my, I need to get my spirit out. No, Mr. Burkowitz. Please, Mr. Burkowitz. I need to get my spirit out. Please, Mr. Burkowitz. I will kill again, I will kill again.

Well now you have four minutes left, sir. Oh, if I know that I would not read my poem, I will kill again. All right, we'll revoke his milk privileges for a week. Please read Mr. Burkowitz. This is a poem about my grandfather, it's really important. Any poem will do. It is a damn poem. Inmate parks may help you find it.

Here we go, all right. This poem, who he is on a date, unfortunately here in prison, we're not all allowed to be in relationships. Just get it. I hope, well I hope you're ready to feel erotic. What is the deal with being someone and having them love you for once in your life? Mr. Burkowitz, that is a joke. It's just, let me finish.

A bedtime affair. What is it I adore that lays hidden inside your heart? That sweet nectar, a fragrance of mint and spice, so arousing and pleasant. You are an aphrodisiac, a lover filled with dark kisses. At night I will invite you into my bed, just the two of us, locked in an embrace. The joy running down my face. Is it true that you won't cheat on me? But I will cheat, oh yes, on my diet.

Perhaps this box of Valentine's chocolates is the best love there is. It's a poem about chocolates I've never been loved. All right. Let me find the, I'll find the ground. We have got a lineup. Multiple inmates need to get through, Mr. Burkowitz. I just gotta say. One more, one more.

How is everybody feeling about our president? That's a joke, sir. It's really controversial. Mr. Burkowitz, that is the set of a joke. Oh, thank God. That's the set of a joke. This young child molester found my poem for me in my book. Well that is true, and that is actually technically legal.

Now who here remembers their grandfather? I do. Now what's to deal with remembering your grandfather? That is a joke, sir. Mr. Burkowitz. All right. Grandpa, holy shit, I remember grandpa. So long ago, just a blur.

You held me, made me laugh, always a smile, a happy time, I won't forget. You're fine pennies, you're wet kisses, you're prickly whiskers, before God came to take you to the graveyard. God came himself, and then he disappeared for everyone else. Your time is up. Thank God. Henry Zabrowski, everybody. Oh, God.

Henry Zabrowski. Son of Sam. David, fucking Burkowitz, holy shit, and ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Marcus Parks. Marcus Parks. What a guy. That is, that's the best reaction we've had. Running all the shows on CCR, unbelievable.

Unbelievable. Everything is done, unbelievable. That's what I say, Marcus fucking Parks, all right, let's move on to the tip of the spear, the man who officially has the president's phone number and constantly gets called by him. Literally, it was like the fifth person Donald Trump called when he won the election. He is the technically the last honest man in America, and I'm sorry, everybody, he's the only person fighting for the essential, honest nature of this fucking country, Alexandra

Jones. Alexander Jones, tip of the spear. He's a status, by the way. Look at that dumb shithead. God, I want that body. That's the body you're working for. I want that body. I want to be fat but hard.

Yeah. It's the body that scares horses. I love it. All right. Well, Alex Jones, of course, like his guy won. I mean, Alex Jones' entire thing is that he's fighting against the system. It's all a conspiracy. They're all against us, he has the documents, but his guy won.

He's never been on the winning side before. Never. He doesn't know what to do, and what he's doing is drinking. He's a lot. He's drinking a lot. He's being publicly intoxicated quite a bit. Quite a bit, and we have a video of him. All right.

Trash. Let's check it out. All right. We've got to come and this, by the way, both of these videos, this is inauguration day. This is his birthday. It's real. He's having a great time. This is real.

Buddy's Hitler. I mean, really, well, I'd love to hear about Freeman the Press with them legalizing domestic propaganda under Obama. You actually have liquor on your breath. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you a Puritan? No, I'm just amazed that you're doing your job with liquor on your breath.

See, I need the guts. I got too many guts, baby. I drink alcohol, so I got too many guts. Look at how happy he is. No, it's actually made up. I've had a coffee earlier. He had a coffee two days ago. Literally sounds like every father at a DUI checkpoint.

Yeah. Well, I had a coffee earlier, so I love the police. Yeah. And so this is, you know, afternoon time, you know, he's just getting a little revved up. He's talking to the protesters. Let's see him about six hours later. And I got a center, I don't need a board, I don't need any others.

The will of the Republic will dominate this B.F. Yeah. 1776 will commence again. That's right. You like it? This is just the infowar. Imagine you get the physical fight with us. It's over.

I remember that. You understand that. When Thomas Jefferson. I know you do now. Don't you? We haven't taken the gloves off, and if you want to keep pushing with your commie Chinese, everybody else, we're going to blow your ass off the map. All the secret weapons ain't in the control of you anymore, are they?

They're now in the hands of George Washington 2.0. So I know why you're shaking in fear. That's right. Wow. George Washington and Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton had that conversation in 1776, and they say a couple hundred years from now, a dumpy shithead who looks like he's filled with soup, will be drunk and shouting about what we've done. See, this reminds me of the same dad that was caught at the DUI after he won the softball

game. Oh, yeah. Well, I think we all know T-Balls rigged because of the ball. Joe DiMascio. Oh, and the ball was, you know, and my son, I think he's gay. Well, of course. By the way, let's just let that sink in, by the way. This man has a phone call away from the presidency.

That's the world we're living in. Yeah. We get all the time for everything we do. We constantly get called, we get called reasonable, only because the world's gone batshit and sane. This is Tom Brokaw now. Yeah, we are moving to the center. We're Good Morning America.

Yeah. Good Morning America. We're slightly less drunk than Kathy Lee and Hoda. You know what I would say? Let's call it Sultry Evening America because that's when we woke up. All right. Well, of course, Alex Jones, big conspiracy guy, let's move on to another big conspiracy that revolves around one of the most famous murders of the 21st century.

It all starts with the 1997 Denver Broncos. Pay attention. Pay attention here because we've got a lot. I got a lot of information, so I'm going to have to. This is numerology stuff, so you're going to have to really pay attention. Do we have a lot of threes, a lot of 13s, a lot of sevens. Are there people that are into numerology into the crowd? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. The same women that wanted to fuck David Berkowitz. I think that that's great. That is all in brand now. All right. Listen carefully here. On January 25th, 1998, the Denver Broncos won Super Bowl 32, which precedes number 33, which is the highest degree of free basonry and one degree above 32, which is the freezing

point on the Fahrenheit scale, right? All right. You know it's true because he has to say right after this right, right, right, right. Now the Broncos victory over three time winning Green Bay Packers into the streak of 13 consecutive years where the AFC representative had lost the Broncos won by seven points scoring 31 13. Backwards also John Elway played for the Broncos looks like a horse. Good boy.

That's true. And John Elway lucky number seven, right? And John Elway. He had endured three humiliating defeats in the Super Bowl during his first seven season. Humiliated. He was stripped nude in a parking lot and they played with his penis a bunch of guys and behind a dumpster. That's what happened to you.

Yes. And then John Elway managed to be shut out of the big game for seven seasons afterwards. Terrell Davis, the MVP of that Super Bowl, scored three touchdowns on the path to victory. That Super Bowl was held on January 25th, 1997, exactly 13 months after the death of Jamba Day Ramsey. Now December 25th, 1996, 1996. Let's think about that date for just a second. There are a lot of people that believe that for AD is the actual birth date of Jesus Christ,

not zero AD. That would make January 25th, 1996, the 2000 celebration of Christmas, which would make that day the perfect day for an Illuminati blood sacrifice, making Jamba Day Ramsey an actual blood sacrifice to bring in the sacrificial age to appease the gods that the Illuminati worship to this day. Reasonable. People are going like, yeah. Yeah.

Well, when Marcus starts screaming like that, it's got to be true. Just keep just not. Got to be true. Just keep now. To be honest, it could. No, I was just going to say that's what Joel Olstein does also, but it doesn't matter. I would say this could be a revamp and repowering of the Masonic, the Masonic ritual that the Jack the Ripper murderers were.

Absolutely. The murderers, the Jack the Ripper murders ushered in the 20th century, the age of conflict. Of course, we had all of the wars, we had all of the terrorism, but now we are in a sacrificial age. They're trying to sacrifice you. Each and every one of you. The Illuminati wants to lead you all to your death like taste of the slaughter, but you will not let them.

None of you will let the Illuminati win. We will fight against them every single day. 1776 is commenced. I also do like the people in power to then also several people going. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, if you all taste like a porcicle, I have no problem with that. No problem.

But I actually do believe because there are people, there's a lot of new revelations that have come out recently about JonBenny Ramsey's murder and there are a lot of people that believe that Burke did it. Yeah. But they all say that Burke did it. I actually don't, but I don't think she, I don't think that he did. No. No, no, no.

She knows what's up. She was murdered by people that were involved with her father. Yes. As because he would not help in covering up 9-11, right? And so she was, she was murdered as a sacrifice and what a good way to get some crazy dude who's some weird cousin of somebody in the Freemasons to kill a little girl by trying to validate the whole thing by this big Byzantine numerological explanation about what you got to do in order to open up the portal, right?

Jack the Ripper opened up the portal to the 20th century. What if JonBenny Ramsey's sacrificial murder opened up the portal to Internet porn? Probably dead. And then he just yelled out, thank you. Like that's what they've been thinking all along. And there it was. I hope you guys felt the, the stench of booze and the excitement of that wonderful Chicago crowd.

Oh yes. I would say it was like sense memory. It was like that. What was it? The portrait of a young artist? It was like the hint of mustard that took him back to his childhood. That just took me back to guys going, hey, hey, hey. Oh, a wonderful crowd.

A malort filled night it was. Yes. And what you don't get to hear there is all the amazing audio or the amazing video that we have on our live shows. So you didn't miss out on anything. We've got some great stuff. But you missed out on a lot. Well, what did they miss out on?

They missed out on a lot. They missed out on all the visual stuff. No, I know that. But if you come to the live show, Marcus, you do it. I don't know what on earth. Get out of here. I'm flustered from Henry. Last night we were watching the musical meet me in St. Louis and they kept saying, I don't

want to go to New York. There's plenty to do right here in beautiful St. Louis. You're spending the same thing, but backwards. You're spending your nights watching stand up comedy and then like 1960s like sing song movies. Yeah, I'm just, I'm just not looking out the window. Well, if you come to our live shows, you know, of course that cut off right after our John Bade Ramsey bit.

But the live show always ends with a big visual element. So if you want to experience the full live show, you got to come out and see us. Once again, cavecomedyradio.com slash live is where you go to get tickets. And we're about to announce a really big spate of new live shows. So be sure to listen up for all spate. I love that word. Spate. Spate.

Be sure to listen up for all the new announcements. A lot of very exciting cities are going to be getting the last podcast on the left treatment. We can't wait to come out and see all of it. Absolutely. And honestly, I want to thank everyone for listening because of because of you. We went over a million listens last week. Yes. A seven day span, a podcast that was just created out of out of the ether.

I cannot believe we're over a million a week. And it's all because of you, the great listeners and all the hard work. Marcus and Henry and dare I say myself do. So really, but it really was that's quite a dream come true to get a million listens in a week. And the more our numbers grow and the more powerful we become. Yeah. As the tides begin to turn the direction of our side of history.

Why are you painting your nails black right now? I'm just saying the more powerful we become, the more influential we can become as a population, as a group overturn the governments of the world. One true nation. You know what, Henry? I'm not saying an NWO. We're going to do this one friend a month. I just want you to make a friend a month.

That's it. Just start plenty of friends. I got this. This dows homemade soap that the person who's staying with me bought the other day. And I have Natalie bought me this little trophy that says world's greatest boyfriend. Okay. So that this actually got sadder than I thought it could. I have this card from, I have a membership card to PBS because I paid $5 to donate to

them so I could see the rest of British Bake Off on their app, on the Apple TV. So the three objects near you were the saddest three things I've ever seen somebody have close to them. Learning the Tarot by Joan Bunning. A great book. Right now. Yes. Okay.

And if you guys want to support us, go to patreon.com slash last podcast on the left. If you give just a dollar, you get advanced ticket sales to all of our live shows. And that really has been a life changing contribution that you guys have been making to us. And we'll be doing more shout outs here in just a second. Absolutely. And I'm going to do a weekly creepypasta. Yes. The first one should be released today or, you know, this week.

And I'm just going to read one story like for 15 minutes. So that should be fun if you are a Patreon subscriber. Yep. $5 or more gets the extra bonus content. Oh. Wow. That is a good idea. Do you want to pledge $5, Henry?

How about I just give you $5 or an IOU? How about an IOU for $5? Okay. That's as good as money. All right. Well, thank you guys so much for supporting this show and all the shows on Cabe Cabe Radio, Abling and Stop At, Roundtable of Gentlemen, Page 7, Sex and Other Human Activities. We have so many t-shirts and fun products.

We do them in your way. Oh, yeah. We got a Don't Come At Me with that t-shirt. We got a new Jackie t-shirt. It says that's my name. I'm wearing it right now. That's officially on sale. Yeah.

I don't know if he can. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That's a strange name. Jacob's.

Right out of your mouth. Jacob Reich. He's singing a song. I'm Jacob Reich III.What is that? All right. Kathryn Duber. Thank you. Put your Salvador Jeralgu.

Jeralgu. It's J-A-U-R-E-G-U-I. Jeralgu. U-I. U-I. U-R-G-U. All right. Merritt Hamilton, Jamie Lachelle, Timothy Price,

Valerie Crowley, Meredith Richardson, Dolce Soul, Corrin Wendell, C.D., Valerie Radcliffe, and John Finucane. Finucane. I've got Jeff Engel, Jacob Boche, Andrew Harshman, Talgalaven, Ryder Moore, Dixon Grant, Matthew Crawl, Hannah Atkin, Sam Bartholomew, Chris York, Mark Flackett, Zachary Miner, Andrew Tercik, Katie Shanahan, and Kerry Leahan.

What was that, Dixon Grant, huh? Dixon Grant. Over under five on Ascotts. Got to have an Ascotton. Grant, in my head, he rides his butler, who's dressed as a horse, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like what happened to Richard Pryor in that movie, The Toy,

before people realized how insanely racist that whole premise is. Yeah. I have Melody Schaefer, Cat Todd, Alfonso di Renzo, Pia Alloriot, yes, because it's got those weird O's and the A's. You've got to A's with a dot on it and an O with a slash through it.

Oh, it umbed out. That's a Swedish person. Is it Riotten, yes? Riotten, yes? I don't know. Riotten, yes? If there's a slash through it, you don't pronounce that letter. It's like, you know.

No, it's Pia Alloriot. Katie Ryder, Crystal Doss, Timothy Young, Patrick Murray, Jane Ashburn, Dylan Crenshaw, Amy Allshaus, Joel Steele, Nina Modelsky, Chase T. Hopper, Johnna Blockmon, Kay Bean, Jessica Jones, Caleb Bourdon, Aidan Tomes, Alexandra, took her money down, saw that, and her lower to a lower package. Oh, she did.

She did. Don't call him out on that. She might be having financial trouble. I think that that's wonderful, though. She must have given so much to be able to take it down. Take it down. Take it down. Liz Conlin, Steve Hull, Corey Ficus, Tyler Harris, Casey

Nott, Alyssa Bacham, William Mitchell, Adrian Negrete, Elliot Casey, and John Rapaz. All right, I got Darren Robinson, Ian Campbell, DK, Bridget Cheshire, Rich Messina, Matt Denison, Alex, Jenny Walker, Alexis Johnson, Brittany Gould, Hello, Brittany. Liberty Seal. That's a great name. Liberty Seal isn't that powerful.

Nick Waters, Steven Imson, Sam Kersh, Sarah Dunn. I'll just do a couple more. Alice Tate, James Audie, Sophie Kay. Well, there's a management company, Sophie Kay. Really? Maybe that's her. Who knows? Like entertainment management?

Yeah, I think they want me to be the, I don't know. I have no clue what they would want with me. Jim Jones, Sam Delfanti, Kean Spilhouse. Ooh, I like this, Kean Spilhouse. That's a fun place to go. Emily, Caitlin Ho-Ho, Ho-Hee, Ho-Hee. It's H-O-H-E. It's a Ho-Hee. I don't know.

How? It could be how? How? Ho-Hee? Ho-Hee. Ho-Hee. I love that name. Rachel E. Johnson, Carolyn Rekker, Dylan D. Whitty-Witton.

Jesse, yeah, he said D. Whitty. The Whitty-Witton? Dylan D. Whitty-Witton. Dylan D. Whitty-Witton. Did you not put the oil in the right part of the car because it turns it. I'm drunk. I'm drunk.

Jessica Stanley, Lauren Macaroni. That's a fun one. Louis Godot and Chelsea St. Amur. I got John Hall, Sarah Thomas, Sam Homer, Matt Houghton-Popey, Haley Dixon, Breanna Iacoboni, Mill William Mayhall, Matthew Sinisi, Joel, Tammy Mercure, Brittany Bennett, Kate Russell, Chrissy Delar, Lucas Wingard.

Oh, hello, Lucas. Hey, Luke. Hello. James S. Barrett, Simon Colley, Tim Perham. Perham? Yes. Perhaps Perham. Perham.

Yeah. Chad, wait, what? Oh, I was just going to say how much per ham. I think Henry said it. I did the per ham. Chad Miller, Dan Strauss, Ashley Craig, Sue Kern, Stephanie Gurgis, Geeklet, Kelly Webb, Julie Kurtz, Mark Thorn, Miguel Santana de Silva, Dave Lumsden, Drew Smith,

and Johnny Weand. Oh, David Lopez, Joe Foster, Christina Navarro, Wade Norcross, Trevor Marine, Kelsey Stone. Hi, this is Kelsey Stone with the weather. Cody Matheson, Karen Diane Wojewódski, Kevin Berg, Forrest, Matt Dreggers, Destiny, Ben Vaughn, Catherine Smith, Gary Thorn, John Taw, Trevor, Nick Cowling, Cody Robbins, Joy Richard, Samantha Spamer,

Kandiac, Katie Evans, K.P. Francisco, Tori Mears. Ooh, Tori Mears. Kevin Conlon, Cooper Velossick, Megan Campbell, Christy, Temazubai. They all sound like pop singers or porn stars. I love that. And there was a Ben in there. There's not a lot of Ben's.

I thought it was more common name. Isn't that strange? Haven't come across one Marcus yet? Isn't that wild? Oh, this is a great name, Candy Janish. Ooh. Candy Janish. Jessa Serafini, Faith Latour, Robin Scammer.

Oh, Faith Latour. We met her in Chicago. She was a part of that fucking crowd. Wonderful person. We love you, Faith. Robin Scammer, Eli Hindman, Chris Stokes, Michael Winnock, Thomas Schumacher, Chris Schmidt, James Ashton Roper, Samuel John Swinburne, Dylan Tucker, Precious Creature.

Oh, that's a funny word. Oh, yeah. You know Precious Creature looks like me. You are a precious creature. You are precious. Rich Kelowna and Ashley Coven. Andrew Coyle, Paul Barack, Angela Felton, Nolan H, Alana Watson, Saizio, Chad Stewart, Ludwig Holmstrom,

Robin Hardwick, Brent Ilez, Kate Sabalo, Jesper Uldall, Katie Guidry, Ben Thomas, and Amber Powers. Faith, you did not permanently scare me, though. It's just for the second. Mark Gertz, Michael Lysiak, Scott Owens, Ashley, Laurie N. Wilson, Waco Weston Graham. Whoa. That's a big old south name.

Waco Weston Graham. His name is Waco? Yeah. That's cool. Maybe Waco is like his nickname, like he's Waco Weston. I love the name Waco. Is that true? Chris Zabella, Carly Voltershite, Shay Carly, Tori Maze,

Tommy McKenzie, Cameron Ciotte, O'Yenken, Christine Fjord, Hadas Rosen, thank you so much. Thank you so much. This is Mary Lewis coming in. Laurel Rose, Nathan Bultemeyer. OK, strong name. Stephen McKay, Krista Garrick, Dakota Mendoza, who Dakota's another good one.

And Ben Laura, now we're going to Ben's. A lot of Ben's here. There's too many of them almost. Monica Black, Caitlin Fatout, that's not pronounced right at all. Gianna Lupa, Cynthia Buckley, Lacey Peters, Bonner Demling, not pronounced well at all. Caitlin Allen and Dana Jacobs, thank you so much.

David P. Andrew Miller, Sam Turner, Justin Davis, Parkus Marks. Whoa, that's a name. James Cassattari. You imagine there's, in another world, there's a Parkus Marks, and he's got great teeth, and he stands up straight. But he's like short and Asian.

Daniel Badams, Carolina Jurzic, Joe Dittorpe, Kristen Joshua Rojo, Sean Lockton, and Brock Randolph. I love it. Wow. I'm done. Oh, you're done? Oh, OK. Well, we got a couple of more here.

We're going to go right on to Katie Campbell, Alex Swindle, Alexandra Swindle. Oh, that's a family. Or maybe it's the same person, unless they named their son, Alex, and their daughter, Alexandra. Which, in what you think that is, they can. Yeah. People can do that.

I know. You can name your kids whatever you want. And technically, you're their master. Jack Mead, Chris Domainy, John P. Kaspa Pouncing. Pouncy, Omar Maguka, Maguka, M-U-G-I-C-A, it's Maguka. M-U-G-I-C-A? Let me see that. Is it Maguka?

I don't know how to say it. I, M-U-M-G-I-C-A. Mugisa. Mugisa. Oh, you're just silencing the C. No, I'm just saying that's probably how it's pronounced. Yeah. It's not only Mugisa or Mugika.

Mugika. Probably, it's not Maguka. I don't know. All right, give it back. Good lord. If you do have a name that you know I'll mess up, maybe put a little pronunciation there. Catherine Fugati, Jacob Mead, Alexa Carlson, Katie Parker,

and Halle. I got Jeanette Bastien, Trevor Alfred, Megan Schmelzenbach. Oh, I love it. Craig Noonan, Teresa Baxter, Liz Orr, Vicky Pearson, Laura Porit, Matthew Patton, Chrissy Ruel Arundel, and Nama Ralee Braun, H-E-Burra. It's there's a Nama, there's two A's in a M-A-A-R-A-A-L-E-E.

Nama Ralee, H-E-Burros, Christina Giovanelli, Ryan Holiday, and Allison Pettygrove. All right. We got Joss Evans, Anthony, Daniel Sorensen, Paul Kuletta, Jim Renzi, Nicholas Vendorheiden. For a second there, you sounded like what's his name from the old days from Saturday Night Live. Nick Vendorheiden.

Oh, that's good. And now a musical guest, Andy Kaufman's Ghost. OK, Mark Ostrowski, Matt Gaines, Russell Hull, Nicole Cibella, Alina Calabro, Nicole Jones, Ethan Lutsky, Jasmine Jones, and my final, but not, well, but I think the most important last name, because I have one of these, Megan Payness, which is what happens when you lose a lot of weight.

You get a little Payness. Is it really Payness? It's Megan Payness. You remember that it's Payness. Let me see that. It's on the top. I read it. I did it on purpose.

And maybe it's Payness. It's Payness. It's P-A-N-U-S. Let's have this. Payness, Payness. I got Trent Kasparis, Matt Braxmire, Sickle Best, Stephanie May, Valerie Myers, Olivia Rivera, Megan Gardner, Noelle Cummings, Matt Yonker, Dylan Grady, Jenna Wally,

Brian Levy. Brian used to work for us here at Cave Comedy Radio. We love him. He's very funny on Twitter. Jennifer Register, Kristen Meyer, and Lena Eckerblum. All right. And that's been this week's Patreon Shadows. I'm sorry.

I don't know what. Why would you let that get in there? Yeah, you're the one who introduced us to hold it. OK, technically, this is all your fault. If you would like to hear what we're talking about, go listen to the roundtable of gentlemen. And thank you so much to everybody who gave to our Patreon. We so very, very, very much appreciate it.

And again, if you want to get a shout out, patreon.com. Slice podcast on the left. Awesome. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. And thank you for your gifts. And thank yourself for yourself.

Yes. M'guz de lesions. M'guz de les anons.